UBT: I Am The Other Woman
Dear Chump Lady,
I am the Other Woman. After almost 6 years together, and his wife finding out about our affair multiple times, I no longer feel one ounce of guilt about continuing my relationship with him. His wife is a clueless idiot. I pointed her to your website and your book over a year ago. I even mailed her a copy of your book, which she promptly returned to me. She thinks she’s different and that he truly loves her. He’s definitely not capable of true love… he thinks he’s a good husband.. Ha!
He’s a broken man inside. I know this. He now knows this too. He cheated on his first wife and she was smart enough to kick him out. Wife number two is holding on for dear life and thinks she’s won the pick me dance. Meanwhile, she’s policing the life out of him and he’s STILL using another phone to contact me and to come and see me. Even after being forced to retire due to a knee surgery and being home full time as she works from home. Any chance he gets, he’s talking to me. He’s definitely a cake eater, and I fully realize that I’d be inheriting a hot mess if he ever left her for me. So, for now, this works just fine for me. I get to live my life how I want it and not have to wash his dirty underwear. She can police him and make herself sick with the wondering if he really does want to be there or not.
I just want to point out that no matter how direct you can be with a Chump, The Other Woman, or the Cheater themselves, sometimes, life just carries on with broken people doing destructive shit. I don’t think I’m special and that he loves me any more than he loves her. I also know this is a HUGE character flaw on my part to continue in any kind of relationship with him, but I enjoy him immensely and at this point, I feel as though I did my duty towards letting her know — multiple times — the truth of what our relationship was by turning over phone records and text message transcripts that she requested. I warned her when she reached out to me that he wouldn’t change, so while I used to feel somewhat guilty about participating in her abuse, I now just feel sorry for the pathetic woman she is. I’d let her know again, but it does tend to become inconvenient for a period of time in the immediate aftermath, and who knows, she might actually grow a pair and kick him out this time.
So, to the Chumps out there who are questioning whether or not to reconcile — this above mentioned chump thinks she’s got a unicorn who goes to therapy and marriage counseling is going great.
Willing OW
****
Dear Willing OW,
I can’t take this much condescending crap before breakfast. But I know a machine who can, so I fed your letter to the Universal Bullshit Translator.
Maybe you’re trolling me, maybe you’re just another freebie orifice with delusions of grandeur, whatever. It’s all the same to the UBT. It gets Lebkuchen either way.
I am the Other Woman.
I am the Twatwaffle.
After almost 6 years together, and his wife finding out about our affair multiple times, I no longer feel one ounce of guilt about continuing my relationship with him.
I’ve never felt an ounce of guilt about my relationship with him. But I thrill to bullying and triangulation.
His wife is a clueless idiot.
He lies to his wife. So she’s the idiot, not me. I’m just some Willing OW with less moral sense than God gave dryer lint.
I pointed her to your website and your book over a year ago. I even mailed her a copy of your book, which she promptly returned to me.
Here’s a mindfuck — I’ll take a safe place for victims of infidelity and weaponize it! Who could fail to take advice from a stalking psycho sending them self-help?
She thinks she’s different and that he truly loves her.
I think I’m different and that he truly loves me. Or I just enjoy torching six years of my life as an STD petri dish.
He’s definitely not capable of true love… he thinks he’s a good husband.. Ha!
When I feel lonely and pathetic, I have my condescension to keep me warm.
He’s a broken man inside. I know this.
I traffic in broken men. Wouldn’t know what to do with a healthy one. Sociopathy finds its own level.
He now knows this too. He cheated on his first wife and she was smart enough to kick him out. Wife number two is holding on for dear life and thinks she’s won the pick me dance.
Behold the competition! I win the pick me dance!
Meanwhile, she’s policing the life out of him and he’s STILL using another phone to contact me and to come and see me.
On the one hand, she knows so I don’t have to feel bad. On the other hand, she’s clueless and polices him. I still feel superior either way.
Even after being forced to retire due to a knee surgery and being home full time as she works from home. Any chance he gets, he’s talking to me. He’s definitely a cake eater, and I fully realize that I’d be inheriting a hot mess if he ever left her for me. So, for now, this works just fine for me. I get to live my life how I want it and not have to wash his dirty underwear. She can police him and make herself sick with the wondering if he really does want to be there or not.
Being a side-dish fuck puppet works for me. Whenever I think I’d like to be more than just an alias on his tracker phone, I comfort myself with the thought that marriage is just dirty underwear and caregiving. It’s not like if he dies she inherits anything, or gets introduced places.
She can police him. I’m not obsessed. I just call her all the time, send her self-help articles, and write columnists about my affair drama. #worksfine4me
I just want to point out that no matter how direct you can be with a Chump, The Other Woman, or the Cheater themselves, sometimes, life just carries on with broken people doing destructive shit.
We’re all the same.
I don’t think I’m special
I AM SO SPECIAL. Broken but special. Like those dented appliance sales. A real deal!
and that he loves me any more than he loves her. I also know this is a HUGE character flaw on my part to continue in any kind of relationship with him, but I enjoy him immensely
I enjoy conspiring in her abuse. Is it an all-caps character flaw? Hey, it gives me tingles. Shut up.
I feel as though I did my duty towards letting her know — multiple times — the truth of what our relationship was by turning over phone records and text message transcripts that she requested. I warned her when she reached out to me that he wouldn’t change, so while I used to feel somewhat guilty about participating in her abuse, I now just feel sorry for the pathetic woman she is.
She must think it’s over because I gave her evidence, but I keep going back and fucking this creep. I won’t change, because I enjoy the deceit. #patheticprojection
I’d let her know again, but it does tend to become inconvenient for a period of time in the immediate aftermath, and who knows, she might actually grow a pair and kick him out this time.
She might. But I’ll still be there licking up his cum puddles for kibbles.
So, to the Chumps out there who are questioning whether or not to reconcile — this above mentioned chump thinks she’s got a unicorn who goes to therapy and marriage counseling is going great.
So, to the Chumps out there who are questioning whether Schmoopies are vapid, cowardly bullies or just disordered pieces of shit? The answer is both. Unicorns don’t exist, but sociopaths walk among us. Don’t waste your time on either.
Pass the Lebkuchen.
Why would she write you? I am baffled!!! Maybe she wanted the written beat down?
My guess would be that more OW writes than we ever see. My guess is that this one just happen to set herself up so nicely for a fun beatdown.
It’s an interesting question. CL says she gets lots of letters from OW’s, and my mind boggles at what they get out of it. I think KatiePig’s comment has a lot of truth, but there have also been some OW letters CL has published, in which they portray themselves as sad little bunnies, as much to be pitied and empathised with as real chumps – you’ve got to wonder what kind of delusional universe these morons live in.
In those cases, the lack of self awareness is just amazing. They just don’t see what is self evident to any normal person. Entitlement ? Stupidity ? A mindbending lack of emotional intelligence ? Who the fuck knows.🤣🤮🤣
Sociopaths absolutely love pity. In the Sociopath Next Door, the author talks about that. They want people to feel sorry for them because it gives them power.
She wanted a response so she could feel important. Maybe she thought she would print the response and send it to the FW’s wife with a boiled bunny. Maybe she still will.
OW write to me all the time. Usually to ask if they should tell the chump. (Yes, tell, even if you have shit motives.) But some are more brazen. Usually they’re writing clickbait online.
https://www.chumplady.com/2022/12/ubt-i-am-the-other-woman/#comments/711788
She’s here commenting on this thread! Yknow because she doesn’t feel guilty and is so confident she’s not a horrible person. More fodder for the the ubt!
In your next book, CL, a collection of this hilarious and infuriating dross, along with the inimitable takedowns from the UBT, in my humble opinion, would be screamingly funny. Oh, do ! 🤣 xx
They’re really proud of abusing other women. That’s how OW think. She’s bragging. She wants to show off how she participates in the abuse of another woman because she thinks it makes her superior. She doesn’t realize how pathetic she sounds to anyone who isn’t scum.
If any of this is truthful, the I-don’t-care part is a lie. OW’s tried so hard to win the pick-me dance, even sending the chump Chump Lady’s book!
Perhaps now hoping chump will read here and recognize the scenario. Finally will become disgusted with marriage based on OW’s contemptuous description and let OW have FW.
I hope chump finds the toothiest pit bull of a lawyer–yesterday–gets all the ducks in a line before telling FW–and BAM.
Yes, she DESPERATELY wants his wife to leave him so she gets him. But it isn’t working.
Yes, OW must realize that the only way she’s getting her man in the end is if the wife leaves him. He will not leave his wife for the OW. Ouch! lol
You want her husband and he will not leave her. He sounds like a real treasure. So do you.
The UBT is very clear. You stink!
Willing OW, you’re nothing more than a disgusting crusted over cunt! Literally!!! You’re the kind of woman that carries scabby sexually transmitted diseases and happily passes them along to your victims because “their idiots” for fucking someone like you. And, my guess is that’s your entire approach to life in work, friendships, family, etc. So, I guess I should add your nothing more than a disgusting MISERABLE crusted over cunt and an IDIOT too! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂Who in their right mind would continue to fuck a married man who most likely has more party players in his haram? Hahahaha… YOU think your THAT special?
When in reality nothing says IDIOT like writing into a chump column, admitting your the OW, and acting all superior when the only “special” thing you have is your rotten poke hole is nothing but a cesspool where he knows he can continue to ejaculate his sludge. You should be so proud!! (Scratch Scratch)
🤣🤣👏👏
Love your language, SC.
“…the only “special” thing you have is your rotten poke hole”
😆 Xx
I’m sorry to be so foul but I’ve had enough of horrible people who get off on hurting others bc they view victims as “idiots”, “less than”, and deserve abuse. As a long term narc abuse survivor, when I took back my power my give a shit gave up along with my filter toward horrid people. Instead, I say the blatant unfiltered filthy truth of who and what they are and set major boundaries!!!
Survivors of this level of abuse understand and often times have loose filter because we are often put through so much more than cheating. We are harassed (as Willing OW is boasting about doing to the 2nd wife) with little to no help from law enforcement or others, suffer severe mental and psychological abuse by the AP, FW, and their flying monkeys. As well as abused emotionally, financially, judicially, in therapy, and physical abuse, which, sadly can end up in death. So, it’s not just one of these crazy fuckers trying to destroy the victims but multiple people coming after them in different ways. We survivors literally end up fighting for our lives. So, please excuse my punchy language….it comes with the territory.
I think you’re fucking awesome bird! Yep, agreed, this troll is definitely a cunt of gargantuan proportions (maybe he needs a miners lamp when he goes in)…🤮
“I’m sorry to be so foul…
So, please excuse my punchy language….it comes with the territory.”
Are you kidding ? I love it. Spot on, hun.xx
I totally understand your rage and disgust. Hugs.💖👍
❤️❤️❤️
Gross. But if Lebkuchen has the power to get the UBT to ingest this crap, it must have superpowers and I want to make some! Think what good it could do in the world! Trouble is, when I search for recipes I find so many, and they are all quite different. Chumplady, would you consider sharing your favorite recipe? Please?
If this letter writer is truly an OW, her words make it clear that infidelity is always about more than sex. It’s about manipulation, deceit, control, delusion, entitlement etc. This dispels the widely accepted stories of “twu wuv”.
Right. It’s possible to have a long term FWB situation where nobody’s being chumped and you can keep it strictly “fun stuff” without dirty underwear (which, eww). But apparently letter writer needs the triangulation to get off.
Yes. Why don’t these women find a single guy who doesn’t want a relationship? I’m sure there are LOTS of guys who would like a no-strings-attached fling. It isn’t about that. It’s about needing to “win” over someone else to bolster their low self worth and feed their feelings of superiority (and yes, you can both have low self esteem AND be arrogant as hell). OW in my case was like that.
And as I said earlier, she DOES want to take the wife’s place. But FW doesn’t want to lose his cake so he’s not leaving his wife and OW is pissed.
Yes! A total power play by a sociopath.
You got that right! I can see this clearly now and this column has been so helpful in clearing up the thoughts about the past. OW, ha! psssht. She’s a loser.
Whenever I think of OW or FWs, the word piss-ant always comes to mind. My late aunt who rarely said a bad word, used that word to describe what she would call a nasty person. I like it.
Yep. This woman really has something wrong with her. CL called it. She’s a sociopath. They walk among us.
CL. Obviously I can’t know for sure but to me this seems like it deliberate troll or bait it doesn’t seem quite a real letter Also don’t know why but it kind of feels like it might’ve been written by a man
Kind of you to take the time to respond anyway just so people can have the reinforcement of the ridiculousness
Oh, I believe that ARE people out there who are this delusional. I’ve met them.
She may be a troll, but I get the feeling that this is a real woman who wants to feel special…, but she’s not. She doesn’t want to really look at herself in the mirror because she’s afraid to. If she did, she would be so ashamed of herself that she’d cry. So instead, she focuses solely on the outside, her face, her body, her clothes, her hair, and then she says to herself, “I look good, so I must be good.” It’s her way of making herself superior to others. Instead of looking behind the face (and deep into the mind behind her eyes), she’s hiding and deceiving herself. It allows her to justify her abuse of others. She doesn’t realize that she just hurts herself more in the process. Eventually, she may even come to hate herself, but only if she’s lucky. Because if she comes to hate herself, she might actually want to become a decent human being. I used to think my self esteem was shot by forgiving my fuckwit over and over as I tried to keep from losing my family. This woman doesn’t have a clue about what it means to have a healthy self esteem. As CL says, schmoopies are both disordered and cowardly pieces of shit. This woman is proof.
I don’t know, this letter sounds very similar to ones I ran across from my former spouse’s OW. She posted them publicly on social media, hoping I’d look her up, calling me foolish for not having looked her up sooner, then declaring me a stalker once she realized I had. This all has a very similar vibe… It also might be a FW troll. They’re all the same level of disordered, after all.
I don’t easily see a husband describing marriage in terms of washing the spouse’s dirty underwear. A bit too shaming to the ego. But, maybe you are right.
I agree. It was written with the intent of stirring the shit pot. Maybe it was written by a truly sociopathic OW, but it feels more like a troll.
Wow. She must think she’s special. She’s sick. That’s all I can say. And she is NOT (Huge Caps) the kind of ‘friend’ I’d have in my life.
Holy mind f*ck batman.
She’s nuts. If I was the wife a restraining order would be put in place
Willing OW:
You’re weak. Likened to a hollow ridge, a speed bump, an itch we can’t reach, a flittering knat, a vacuous hole that can’t be filled, or a chronic complainer – you’re a minor player with a bit part in the life of a Chump.
We don’t admire you, long to be a whit like you, or wonder what makes you special. You’re alot like someone we are introduced to and reply, “I believe we’ve already met before.” As in, no need for our further acquaintance.
We Chumps grow because of you. We step on the rungs of your weakness you lay as scaffold for us to climb. Chumps become MIGHTY as we ascend through awareness of your weakness while it makes us wiser and more noble people in preparation for greater opportunity.
While you stay low; we climb high. After awhile, we look back to see that same tiny blemish memory known as you. You’re barely seen in your miniscule size, but still a permanent stain that remains unmoveable. We step over while living a life of quality.
Willing OW, don’t get too inflated with false pride and ego . Your balloon had no air to begin with and never will. Your life is as the sound of clanging cymbals and little more.
Your balloon had no air to begin with 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Thank you, Latitude! I will carry your phrase with me for the rest of my days!
Wow. Just wow. That’s an extremely messed up woman. She doesn’t want him if he becomes divorced BUT she obviously likes to stir the pot…why? To emotionally and psychologically abuse the wife….. To show the FW that she has his balls in a jar? That is fucked up to the nth degree. Wow. I liked how she casually mentioned that he had to retire due to a knee injury. So that would most likely be a professional athlete. So there’s the money angle. She likes the money he throws at her. Probably pays for her apartment etc. Anyone else want to find the wife, have an intervention and remove her from these unhealthy, toxic people? Anyone? Anyone?
Could be an EMT or firefighter. Both are hell on your body.
I hope his wife runs to an attorney.
There are plenty of blue-collar jobs that beat up on the knees.
Interesting I was thinking cop but you’re probably right, which would also explain why the wife doesn’t leave. Sadly, wives of pro athletes just consider side whores part of the package most of the time. They eventually get tired of it as they get older and leave, but this scumbag is not the first, last, or only one if he is an athlete.
Hybristophilia: a paraphilia in which sexual arousal, facilitation, and attainment of orgasm are responsive to and contingent upon being with a partner known to have committed an “outrage” or crime. The term is derived from the Greek word hubrizein (ὑβρίζειν), meaning “to commit an outrage against someone” (derived from “hubris”), and philo, meaning “having a strong affinity/preference for.”
Hybristophiliacs are more often female and generally fall into two categories: “passive hybristophilia” that centers around rescue/redemption fantasies, and “aggressive hybristophilia” in which the hybristophiliac enjoys living vicariously through or participating in aggressive acts. Both types of hybristophiliacs typically assume they are special and will be “spared” partners’ aggression. Both types of hybristophilia are believed to stem from histories of childhood abuse.
That said, Martin Shkreli and Brock Turner got early release from prison.
The dead giveaway that she is an idiot? “He’s a broken man inside. I know this. He now knows this too.” She’s spent years untangling his psyche for him, and he’s oh-so-appreciative of her amazing insight.
He’s not broken, LW. He’s selfish. As are you.
Either way she’s a troll: either a blog troll or a real troll, with a little beard and green hairy feet. And she’s also a stupid fool. My best friend’s sister had an affair 30 plus years ago, with her boss. The product of the affair was a baby girl. The wife knows about the affair and the baby and chose to stay with her husband, to keep their family intact. I make no judgment on that because each to their own. The baby, now a woman, participates in some family activities. She has her own life. I wouldn’t call her happy or well-balanced but she has her own life. The OW has spent the last 30plus years brooding, having occasional sex with the husband. She never married, has no other children, and is as miserable as sin (love that expression). Willing OW sounds like the same person! She protests too much about her contentment and happiness. She’s a fool for many reasons, and she gets exactly what she deserves, whatever that ends up looking like. I’d rather be a chump than a troll. I have dignity.
Is chumps were respectable enough to become wives, husbands, or at least be brought out of the shadows. Anyone who has such little respect for themselves that they are willing to be a dirty little secret is a pathetic loser and certainly not happy.
Might Warrior, I just wrote similar.. I completely agree with you. I’m thinking this OW is angry … never married, didn’t get to have kids and is stuck. Or if she did have any of those things, she’s failed at everything and no one wants her. And so she’s acting like she’s superior when in fact, she’s jealous and acting out.
Unless I missed it, there’s no mention of children. The “Willing OW” leaves out quite a bit of context. In other words… we’re only hearing the bragging bullshit of a delusional pig. OW’s truth is more likely that she’s ANGRY. This is OW frustrated. It sounds like she’s jealous of the Chump!
I imagine that FW has been stringing her along — but won’t leave his wife. Sure the Chump is stuck… but do they have a family together? Are there religious reasons? Clearly there’s retirement and health issues at play. But OW is deluding herself that Chump is the only reason they are still together. FW doesn’t want to leave for OW.
So what is OW’s life? Broken as fuck. Does she have kids? Does she have anyone else? Doesn’t sound like anyone wants to marry her… just use her for cum disposal. Even if FW left OW, it likely wouldn’t be for this mean bitch.
OW acts like this triangle is happening in a vacuum. I’d love to hear the truth from Chump.
Well, if this doesn’t show us Chumps that the fuckwits our cheaters pick as OW/OM are just as disordered as they are, I don’t know what does. Call a lawyer, get a fair settlement, master scheduling software, go no contact… then make a bowl of popcorn, and watch them skip off to their twu wuv land of delusion. #nopickmedancinghere
“and watch them skip off to their twu wuv land of delusion.”
Because I moved several states away (job), I missed out on a lot of that. But, I did get some occasional updates and a few years down the road the full story of fw/whore’s fwittery. It was spectacular. The down side it caused my son and his family pain. That part was how I found CL, when I was researching narcissists.
“I’m not obsessed. I just call her all the time, send her self-help articles, and write columnists about my affair drama.”
THIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!
Can’t help but notice she’s educated herself on all of CN’s lingo, too. Takes time, that. Acts of the extremely disordered, volume 1000.
This person lacks so much substance as a human being, I’m surprised she can muster up the atomic clusters sufficient to physically touch a keyboard or pen. I’ve had some shitty self esteem in my day, but I’ve never thought so little of myself that I thought my entire existence wasn’t worth more than living as another person’s manky old sex doll. Weird that she grows enough spine to have an opinion on this issue when her spine is a wiggly noodle on the issue of “I and other humans matter as human beings”.
Co-opting CN’s lingo, indeed.
To this AP, “Leave a Cheater; Gain a Life” means the spouse should leave the cheater so that she, the AP, can gain a life with him. I don’t believe for a minute that she doesn’t want to wash their underwear in the same machine.
Exactly. OW has studied up on CL and is now trying to school chumps? I’ll take “pathetic” for $200, Alex.
And this — “I also know this is a HUGE character flaw on my part to continue in any kind of relationship with him, but I enjoy [it!]” Ah, okay, then. As long as you ENJOY abusing yourself and others, that’s fine then. WTF?
OW: just go get some friggin’ therapy. Anyone cool with being some guy’s free prostitute is clearly fucked up. Picking on another human because of your actions is also clearly fucked up.
I wish you a better & less destructive path in life.
I agree with your statement except the free prostitute. Those “free” skanks many times are way more expensive than the professionals. It takes a lot of money and gifts to keep them hiding in the alley. I had the credit card and bank statements to prove it. That was what helped me get out of my marriage debt free, and with a small paid off house to live in.
I urge all chumps to remember while your state may be “no fault” that almost never covers financial fraud. Run those financial forensics as best you can. If your lawyer can show a trend to the judge it can help a lot. Sometimes it is worth it sometimes not, in my case it was pretty easy; and it was critical to me to prevent me starting over in poverty. I was at the poverty line, but I was debt free. That was a huge win for me.
Susie: “free” in that he’s not actually paying her cash for her services. So in her deluded mind, she’s a girlfriend, not a dick receptacle. He’s smart to play her like that. And she thinks she’s smart bahaha!
Yep, they think they are something special.
Honestly as to fw’s whore/wife, she was proud as punch and never batted an eye looking me in the face when I exchanged a few cursory words with her at my grandsons graduation. I don’t even think she was feeling superior, in her world as I found out later multiple divorce and cheating was just a way of life. I doubt she saw anything wrong with it.
FW on the other hand slumped like the rat he was and and scurried away, never looking me in the eye. He did give my H a quick stink eye. My son and daughter in law both told me he hated my H, and made it clear even up close to the day he died. I never understood that. My H was not a part of anything, in fact I didn’t even meet him until a year after FW discarded me.
No I don’t think it was jealousy over me, I think it may have been because my H is a lot bigger than he is, and even more important he is an honest and kind person who also happened to be successful in his life and didn’t throw it away on an alley cat.
But who knows, you can’t get in their minds and it would likely scare the crap out of us if we could.
“No I don’t think it was jealousy over me, I think it may have been because my H is a lot bigger than he is, and even more important he is an honest and kind person who also happened to be successful in his life and didn’t throw it away on an alley cat”.
Spot on Susie. I wonder if there was maybe also a soupcon of shame at what he’d done ? No, that’s being too generous.😝.
More likely jealousy of *you* in that you’d got over him, and won a star in the relationship lottery, whilst he was stuck with the skank he trashed everything for. Ah, karma’s a bitch, but I like her.🤣
I really want to believe that Willing OW is a troll, but – sadly – there are some really weird and f*cked up people out there who get their kicks from sh*t like this. For those of you who haven’t read it, I’d strongly recommend “The Sociopath Next Door” by Martha Stout ….. they really are out there, and there are more of them than you think.
As regards Willing OW, she needs to drop her belief that she’s the prize; she’s not, she’s a piece of sh*t. She also needs to recognise that when she says “I now just feel sorry for the pathetic woman she [ie the Chump] is” that she is projecting in a major fashion. Lastly, she should just crawl back under her rock and stay there.
LFTT
“I feel as though I did my duty towards letting her know — multiple times — the truth of what our relationship was by turning over phone records and text message transcripts that she requested. I warned her when she reached out to me that he wouldn’t change, so while I used to feel somewhat guilty about participating in her abuse, I now just feel sorry for the pathetic woman she is.”
You were just herocially and selflessly trying to save her? Was that your motive? Cause it really sounds to me like, despite your protestations, you’ve been trying to break up this marriage for a while now, and it sure ain’t because you’re concerned about her mental health.
So you’ve spent over a year trying to break up their marriage, and you seriously think you’re going to get us to agree that her ingratitude gives you a free pass to “participate in her abuse”. As if.
It’s so funny how, whenever the FW and the AP get together and take a vote about who is to blame for the cheating, they always vote unanimously that it’s the fault of the Chump — the one person who isn’t in the room to call BS on them both. However, it has been my experience that when the missing party is the AP, and the FW is explaining to the Chump who was REALLY at fault, it’s always the AP who was the crazy stalker.
Omg, your last paragraph?! 1000000000%!
Okay, I’m not buying this. I think think centrality has just been given to an unhinged nutcase posing as an OW. But, the UBT did a find job slicing and dicing.
Agreed. A while back there was a nut bag that kept coming on her lecturing chumps on how awesome the OW really is, and giving links of shit we should read (as if). Can’t remember its handle, because after I read a few lines I just skipped over subsequent posts. I am betting it is that nut bag trying again to educate us on the fine art of how to properly react to the abuses against us.
Looks to me like she’s escalating her pick-me dance. She made sure the chump knows about the website by sending the book. She tried to give away his identity by mentioning he recently retired due to a knee injury. That doesn’t mean he’s an athlete, it just means he doesn’t have a desk job. She gave herself away with “So, for now, this works just fine for me.” That says she’s fine with the status quo FOR NOW, implying it won’t be enough later. I think she’s an OW. It would be a lot of effort to write something this long just to troll. She wants to say she’s won. She wants to scare of the chump. What a loser.
As disordered and broken as the FW is, he still not stupid enough to run off with you. You’re just a cheap fuck who’s got some mental issues. He jokes that your vagina is like the Lincoln tunnel. Broke down bored people gravitate to you. If this makes you feel special, that really is pretty sad. You tried to force his hand by torturing his wife. Does that make you feel good? I dunno. I kind of want to run you through my top of the line pasta maker. But the mess. I’m sure his wife is getting her affairs in order and planning to get a good buy out on her contract. You can have gimpy and what’s left. Just remember there’s plenty of other phone numbers in his second phone. Oh. And love? You probably are incapable of out. Who documents phone calls and records them in the name of true love?
“He jokes that your vagina is like the Lincoln tunnel.”
He’s wrong to say that. It’s actually more of a Suez Canal type hoo-hah.
I was thinking more of one of those polluted and septic canals around Rochdale. 🤣🤮
Seems like this ‘relationship’ is more about the OW toward the wife than the OW and FW being into one another.
OW is steaming pissed that the wife won’t go away so she can ‘win.’
I mean, with a prize like that….
Blah ha ha.
I can’t imagine battling so hard for a turd.
I did battle so hard to an extent. I’m so glad I was the big loser!
My ex FW’s dumbass schmoopie could’ve written this. Not the part where it went on forever, but definitely the sentiment and superiority bit, but couldn’t they all have written this? They all think they’re the ones who are so amazing and special and know their FWs better than anyone else. Dumbasses, every last one of them.
This is why it is so important not to share the Chump Lady Blog with FWs, OWs, or Flying Monkeys. It does not change their minds, it just weaponizes their words and actions.
Wow. …. Immediately after Dday, 8 years ago, I obsessed over AP— younger (32–I was 48), childless (I have 4 kids), mooching off her cheater psychiatrist daddy -still living at home at 32 (my dad died when I was 15 and my sociopath mother kicked me out in the streets when I was 16- I’ve been on my own since then), financially desperate (I’m a very successful professional with seven figures saved), underemployed (I’m a partner in an international firm)….I listened to you, Tracy, and “trusted they suck.” I left, divorced, built a life. Kids and I are close. My career is better than ever. My health is wonderful. I’m engaged to a loving and honest man.
XH and AP are apparently still “together.” She wants to slit his throat in his sleep (she told our 22 year old daughter this while in a drunken rage), XH has hired a lawyer to try to evict AP but she’s blackmailing him… XH has been dating on Tinder behind her back for 7 years, it’s like a scene from that show “Cops” at their house 24/7. Our grown kids refuse to have anything to do with them.
Too bad so sad. Not my monkey or my circus. They SUCK.
Incredible, so glad you’re in such a good place now.
Running to the kitchen to stir up a HUGE batch of Lebkuchen as I imagine the UBT will need it and several weeks to recover after digesting this bag of shit…
Just WOW. This person leaves me crestfallen for humanity.
Don’t be. The world is full of shitty people, but it’s full of good ones as well.xx
When I was young, and first discovered cheating FW spouse, I made up reasons for his behavior. I tried to understand OW motivations. I felt it was all a big mistake, was sure he had lied to her even more than he had lied to me, I looked at my own behavior. Complete and total Chump moves — and nothing good came from any of it. I even felt some compassion for the OW.
As time passed, my patience and understanding grew thin. I did not like the pick me dance. My brain started adding up the cost of continuing our sham of a marriage, and I realized I was heading for matrimonial bankruptcy. I started rejecting my chump philosophy and my FOO upbringing. I began a transformation into the woman I am today. It took years — no easy magic solution! I knew what I had to do to get a decent settlement, child support for my children, and how to minimize the changes coming in all of our lives.
I also lost all compassion for the OW. Here is my thinking — the moment OW finds out she is with a married man, she has a moral decision to make. If she chooses to continue her relationship, and lie to herself, and pretend to believe his lies, that is all on her. I have no mercy. That is a house built on shifting sand, and there is no good outcome for that house. I cannot empathize with her insanity. I am not responsible for her problems. I want her to spend 0 time thinking about what I am doing or why, because I don’t owe her an explanation. As for the FW himself, I have lost faith, and trust, and I do not believe that will ever be repaired. I married him and had his children because I believed we had enough in common to have a good life. I misjudged him, I gave him more credit than he deserved. Once I figured out the sum of our relationship was in the negative numbers, ending the relationship was the only thing that made sense. If the business of marriage is not viable, shut it down. Cut your losses. Move on.
There will always be an OW or OM who is willing to take less than anyone deserves and tell themselves that those moments of forbidden pleasure are so much better than living an honest life. God may forgive all their sins and weaknesses, but I won’t because that is not my job. I am responsible for my life and choices and guiding my children into adulthood. That’s it. FW and the many OW’s du jour have to pay their own tabs.
Well said! 100% on the money!
“— the moment OW finds out she is with a married man, she has a moral decision to make. If she chooses to continue her relationship, and lie to herself, and pretend to believe his lies, that is all on her.”
Golden! It explains the immediate bad taste in my mouth when reading her letter.
This has got to be a troll… if it’s not I hope OW realizes there’s another OW (or two) out there who can write this same message to CL. She’s not unique. They’re ALL being used. Idiot…
Imagining that this is a real OW and not a troll, expressing her real feelings and not troll feelings—this kind of thing bugs me, hurts me and triggers me a lot less than the OW who either don’t think about the wife at all, or (especially) ones who are like, “I’m so sorry his wife who was home with his four kids under age ten got hurt, but he just doesn’t have a connection with her and he and I have Twoo Wuv that’s Meant to Be, and his wife needs to understand that it’s for the best for everyone, including those children, if he is Happy, and he can only express his soul and follow his happiness by being with Me.”
So sad that any woman would accept “sloppy seconds “ from a cheating married man is unbelievable! The funny part is this insecure whore believes this? She’s trying to force herself and others to believe everything she thinks is real. He’s using her as a STD Petri dish because he’s probably sleeping with others. Don’t know why she would post here. Low class, desperate whore.
Speaking of cake eaters… I recently discovered an adultery forum (I’m shocked they exist) and cheaters posting on it literally refer to THEMSELVES as CAKE EATERS! Like this is an actual term used by serial adulterers! To describe themselves! I came across this one post in which a user writes: “Ethical nonmonogamy is so boring, it doesn’t have any of the fun or thrill of cheating to me, I guess I’m a cake eater.” I thought that this term (like “ego kibbles” or “fuckwit”) was invented by CL, but apparently it’s a more well known term… welp.
“Ethical nonmonogamy is so boring, it doesn’t have any of the fun or thrill of cheating to me, I guess I’m a cake eater.”
This is precisely why they cheat and why it’s foolhardy to think you can be in an ethically non-monogamous relationship with them. They hate being ethical, they can only enjoy sex when they are abusing somebody in some way, so they will always violate the terms of any such agreement.
They are abuse-o-sexuals, not polyamorists.
“They are abuse-o-sexuals, not polyamorists”.
Good one. I like that. It’s the “fun and thrill” of cheating that drives them, I don’t think it’s even the sex half the time, even the shiniest sparkletwat probably becomes old hat after a while, but abusing a chump with lies and deceit is the gift that keeps on giving. Such fun.🤮😡
Yep the concept has been around since the 50s. It was parodied by Andy Griffith on his show, he sang a song with Gomer called can’t have your Kate, and Edith too, you rascal you.
My ex brought up the saying about a year ish before he left. (1988) he said he never understood the saying because of course anyone would want to eat their cake and have it too. I explained it to him, but he didn’t accept it I guess.
” .. he said he never understood the saying because of course anyone would want to eat their cake and have it too”
A classic example of how shitty people measure others in their own pint pot.
I remember watching the “Wolf of Wall Street” with ex fuckwit, and expressing my horror at the character’s behaviour – fuckwit said anyone would do the same if they could.🙄🤮
Looks like she missed the point of this site, where the advice is to leave, not reconcile.
She’s been campaigning for him to leave by firing all kinds of advice and evidence at his wife in her but he won’t.
No pick me dance going on here. Nope. Not at all. Not one bit.
🤣
Thanks for the “they always affair down” proof today, Tracy.
It also seems like this letter may have been submitted in a bid to whap the beehive with a long stick and watch apoplectic rage ensue, and I don’t feel like being a party to their satisfaction.
There are indeed predatory people out there who look for a bit of fun without commitment. They completely know the score and will find another partner when the current one isn’t working out. There’s a certain sense of power when they find someone broken to take in, married or not.
I’m older and jaded at this point (also divorced). I think that if a partner finds one of those types of people interesting enough that they endanger the marriage, you need to move on. There’s a weakness there that goes deep.
My ex had an old girlfriend before me that he only dated for a few months that was like that. I could tell from the way he talked about her that she was always looking for the next one. They only dated for a few months. The thought that he fell for it was disturbing, but he insisted that it was over. Well, not for her. She called periodically for years, and then he began shaming me with how wonderful she had been decades before and how I was not. Big RED FLAG. I don’t know the details, but I certainly had my suspicions when he ran to the area of the country where she was last living. Definitely, the predator type.
This is great she writes,”He’s definitely not capable of true love.” WTF does true love even mean? Then later writes,” I don’t think I’m special and that he loves me any more than he loves her.” Maybe he just doesnt love, period. Saying I love you is a manipulation tactic for these disordered types. Keeps us under their control. But he says he loves me! Look at the actions!
Maybe OW doesnt realize that second wife chump also enjoys him immensely and thinks OW is pathetic! Maybe Second wife chump is getting residual benefits that she doesnt want to give up like medical benefits, being a stay at home mom, new car. Who knows what she gets out of the marriage? But we can call him pathetic and her pathetic too, because they are. OW is a sanctimonious Twat. I hope chump leaves him just so sparkle twat wins sparkle turd! And inherits the hot mess. Karma.
I did find it interesting that she thought so highly of herself for not being like those other other women that delude themselves into thinking what they have is greater than what it actually is, but then thinks the wife is deluding herself into believing she won the pick me dance. It is entirely possible that the wife is just as transactional as everyone else in this scenario. I’m not saying that that makes them all equal ethically, but the wife could still find the benefits of being married to outweigh having a wandering spouse.
“It is entirely possible that the wife is just as transactional as everyone else in this scenario.”
I don’t think it’s possible to judge the wife’s motives and feelings based on what this whore says. Consider the source.
I just hope the wife eventually kicks this shit bag out on his arse.
I’m not presuming to know anything about the wife’s motivations. The letter writer assumes they are the opposite of what I threw out as a possibility though. She assumes the wife is too stupid to grasp the reality of the situation. There are myriad reasons the wife could be sticking around beyond believing she’s gonna win the pick me dance.
I knew a woman (now long deceased) that I called and cried my heart out to describing the shit that my fuckwit was putting me through. She had a cheater husband who pretty much exampled the same career path as my fuckwit. She had a full-grown son dying from brain cancer. Her cheater husband was the bread winner as she was a housewife her entire life. When I called crying I’m pretty sure she knew what I was going through. Her advice, “You have to decide if you’re better off with him, or without him.” This advice was quickly delivered which meant that she had already considered her choices. In her case, I guess she felt she was better off with him. He had the money, the house, the insurance, and she only what she would have gotten in social security off of his career. This was way, way before 401Ks. I guess as her cheater got older he stopped screwing around. He wasn’t traveling anymore (after retirement) and he probably lost his mojo. So though he talked a big talk, she probably realized he was full of shit. We don’t know why people stay especially if we haven’t walked in their shoes.
I met a chump who stays married for the money and “stable” home life for the kids. She knew everything that was going on and was satisfied with her marriage of convenience. It took her awhile to get there but wanted the lifestyle and was ok with FWs side hustle. I couldn’t handle that but I admired her hutzbah
If that’s the case, she’s not a chump, she’s a volunteer. Chumps are unknowing. And I certainly don’t admire someone with no moral compass/integrity. What is she modelling for her children – money makes the shit sandwich palatable ?
The wife may know she’d owe alimony to FW, maybe he’s circling the drain, who knows. AP doesn’t know as much as she thinks, FW probably mailed the book back.
If his knee issue was so bad it required retirement the fuckfest isn’t what it used to be. Just another AP wasting 6 years of her suckiness.
Going to confession . Never mind father. I don’t need forgiving. I’ve justified the injustice myself. Look how saintly I am. I was honest about it after all. We have fun together without his wife. He might leave her is what I’m hoping but it’s no great prize. But victory will be mine.
Cant find a man just for her so she’s gotta get in the pig slop I guess.
It sounds to me like this OW is just out for Kibble and enjoys abusing other women through the FW.
“He cheated on his first wife and she was smart enough to kick him out. Wife number two is holding on for dear life and thinks she’s won the pick me dance. ”
So Wife #1 kicked the FW out and OW lost the pick me dance to Wife #2. Now she is dancing harder and doing everything she can to get Wife #2 to drop him? Wow, talk about a loser. I guess it is really more about OW getting her thrills by abusing this FWs wives. OW and the FW are truly sick individuals.
I hope the Chump kicks the FW out and gets a good settlement. OW will still be in the picture but perhaps the FW will not be able to get another Chump for her to abuse. The FW and OW deserve each other (but I guess they both need that third party for their respective thrills).
“The FW and OW deserve each other (but I guess they both need that third party for their respective thrills).”
I think this is very true. Once I finally decided to step out of the triangle, going as no-contact as humanly possible (child together, some financial stuff with the sale of the house), FW and OW fell apart VERY QUICKLY. Without me as a convenient target (since I wasn’t taking the bait when FW tried to engage or upset me), they had no one to dump their anger on except each other. OW left a month after they’d moved in together, leaving FW alone with a big rental house he couldn’t afford. Found out later that they had actually been miserable for some time, with attempted suicide, anxiety, depression, financial issues, abuse, fights, problems with her ex husband. The list goes on. OW was dancing HARD, and looked sick (she lost a ton of weight and looked haggard and exhausted, but always painted up and dressed like a prostitute). I’m sure she worried about keeping tabs on him and keeping him happy so he didn’t leave her the way he did me. He was quite gifted at making people feel inadequate. There was no happily ever after for them.
this OW is sadistic and the chump had best cut off all interactions with her, because OW is getting off on inflicting pain.
on second thought, a restraining order is required.
She is a repellent bully. Can you imagine her on Christmas Day? Frantically checking her texts, probably spoofing numbers to see if he answers. Day drinking – alone. This beast has no friends. Re-watching Sex and the City for the 18th time. Pretending she is free and loving it. You Go Girl! Praying for the sun to go down as she drifts through her one bedroom she rents on the bad side of town. Nuking her Lean Cuisine while she checks his Facebook again. Her writing is so illegible, I am not sure who had the knee surgery. But maybe she can chase this Cheating Cocksucker in their matching Rascals into the sunset.
They walk among us.
I remember NY’s Eve during our wreckonciliation, when OW was incessantly texting FW (to the point where I said something about it and he turned off his phone). NYE was the anniversary of our first date. She was lonely and insecure and had to sit home alone (without her kids) while her twu wuv was at home with his wife.
Poor soul. (Not. I don’t feel bad for her.)
I regret the wreckonciliation and all the pick me dancing I did, but I don’t feel bad in the least for the distress it caused OW. She deserved all the insecurity she felt.
When someone hates on victims “not standing up for themselves” as much as OP hates on the chump, they’ve either:
Been a victim of abuse and hate themselves
Not been protected from a perpetrator by a parent who was also being abused, and hate the parent who “allowed” it
Witnessed abuse and learned that the perpetrator is “safer” to be and that the victim deserves it for not being strong enough.
OP has experienced serious, unhealed, relational trauma and now accepts low quality, loveless relationships and is full of scathing hate and contempt for those who remind her of her own past pain. We relive what we don’t heal.
I feel sorry for this person, I couldn’t bear to live such a jumbled life.
On the other hand, she’s just a really shitty person who gets off on the pain and suffering of others. People like that do exist, and they may not have experienced anything untoward in their lives at all.
I think it’s a big mistake to assume bad people have hidden reasons for their behaviour, evil and cruelty can exist independently of ‘reasons’. I think of so many people who have experienced dreadful hurt, abuse and cruelty, but who rise above it. It comes down to *character*.
I agree. It does come down to character.
Relationships with caregivers are the biggest predictors of later attachment styles and patterns of interaction. It’s not being soft, it’s being scientific. True sociopathy and psychopathy are statistically rare.
Also, it doesn’t mean she’s not a piece of shit. She is, but I feel sorry for pieces of shit. These are reasons, not excuses.
Psychopaths and sociopaths tend to be predatory more than self-aggrandizing. If they have to let friends take the stage or feel superior to get what they want, they will. A narcissist would NEVER. Narcissists want revenge …. Psychopaths don’t bond or mirror, so your “misbehavior” is like watching the kitchen table dance a polka: interesting and rather inconvenient- breaks a lot of dishes- and a sign that it’s time for a new table. They don’t spend years compiling a Netflix special about all the ways you’re a monster in hopes of getting revenge. (Altho if they stumble across you alone in a dark alley, why not feel good with no consequences, eh?!)
TLDR: they’re easy to tell apart once you’ve had an entanglement with each. A psychopath isn’t going to care enough to write this (and a sociopath wouldn’t take the risk of sending a bunch of stuff to wife unless it was a bit deadlier/more effective than a book). This is pure narcissistic behavior, and she’s big mad that no one acts like she’s speshul enuf.
What about those people who have been “the golden child” all their lives ? Who in fact have never experienced one iota of negativity, ever, have been coddled, loved and sheltered, but still treat other people like shit ?
They’re statistically rare, but surely more common that we know. Remember that people with personality disorders tend to avoid therapy like the plague, so they are never diagnosed. The true numbers are therefore unknown.
Then there are people who may fall short of a cluster b disorder, but are high in the traits. My FW, for example, was one trait short of qualifying for NPD under DSM guidelines, and covert narcissism isn’t even listed in the DSM anyway. The criteria are for grandiose narcissism. So who knows how many of these freaks there are.
Why they are freaks doesn’t really matter to me, but some of it is genetic as well as environmental. I don’t feel sorry for them. There are so many others others far more deserving of compassion, like their victims. Cluster Bs derive no benefit from our compassion anyway, making it a waste of emotion.
“There are so many others others far more deserving of compassion, like their victims. Cluster Bs derive no benefit from our compassion anyway, making it a waste of emotion”
Absolutely. 👍👍
My reaction was much like yours. My hunch is she feels compelled to break of relationships in response to a parent who didn’t protect her from a perpetrator.
What bothers me the most about this whole thing is that this type of self deluded sociopath has access to my daughters 50% of the time. 🙁 Bring on the counter-parenting. I feel like I can’t make any mistakes as their mother because their dad makes them all.
I feel that! Just take up the space a mother gets (you’re mom, it’s okay to be cautious with someone who was fine with destroying your child’s family, you don’t have to be friends), stay calm, ignore ignore ignore. You’re only legally required to parent with the other coparent, so make sure he’s doing his job and any inability to do so (by delegating it to someone unqualified) is documented.
Mariah Carey has some great gifs saying “I don’t know her” – that’s the energy that will save your calories for worthwhile people and relationships.
This is another. “Waah! Nobody’s paying attention to me. Waah!” Hugs to Chumps! This letter truly shows how pathetic OWs are. And more importantly, FWs who choose to cheat are not worth a moment more of our time or energy. They can have each other. Get documents in order, Lawyer up, get yourself free! We do not need these low life’s I. Our lives!!
I am so flabbergasted by how evil this woman is that I can’t even snark about this pile of foul, steaming dung, and it takes a lot to shock the snark out of me. The stench from this horrifying creature has left me stunned.
Bitch, we know you’re lurking, so I just wanted you to know that we know you’re a sociopath and never felt one second of guilt. We also know that you actually do think you are special and that you do, in fact, want FW for yourself, hence your attempts to get the chump to leave him. You thought you could come here, lie so transparently and be such a smarmy little hypocrite? Really? 🤡 Like all FWs, you are on your very own delusional fantasy island and you have the EQ of a sand fly. Your IQ isn’t much higher. I sincerely hope your life is like the FWs dick- nasty, brutish and short.
Okay, in the course of writing this I did recover enough for that one bit of snark. Phew!
It was so sweet of OW to make a public service announcement for chumps. I’m so touched, I shall memorialize her with song.
Sung to the tune of Warning
By Green Day
This is a public service announcement
So I’m gonna be a pest
Sociopathic seething ugly hatefest
May impair your ability to stop yourself from killing me
You know quite well just what is ailing me
Keep out of reach of children
Live and die by fuckwit’s sword
I get my philosophy from someone else’s Pinterest board
Whoring, my life is whoring
I said, whoring, my life is whoring
Whoring, alright
Wrecking homes and invading chump communities
Gross smirking sadist, a stain on humanity
Caution, incoming filth, seething, jealous AP fit
Is it FW or am I the world’s biggest piece of shit?
Whoring, my life is whoring
I said, whoring and narcspew that’s boring
Whoring alright
This is a public service announcement
So I’m gonna be a pest
Flunked my STD test
And I think you know the rest.
Brilliant!!
👏👏👏👏
What OW says to wife: “I’m having an affair with your husband. Look at all the proof I have.”
What Cheaterhusband says to wife: “That woman is a crazy stalker! She makes up these things to hurt us! Ignore her crazy- I love you and I always will. She’s just a loon.”
See how easy that was?
The idiot here is most definitely OW- because she has no idea how he portrays her to his wife. He is holding all of the cards, and playing both of them for fools.
Twatwaffle 🤣👏🤣
CL knocked it out of the park with this one. Too many hysterical snarks to mention.
Holy shit did I enjoy this BURN, Tracey!
What a POS…. I can’t 🤦🏻♀️