Bad Apologies

If you’ve been through the meat grinder of betrayal, you’ve probably gotten some really lousy apologies.

“I’m sorry your errant chin hair has compelled me to cheat. Belinda is always perfectly groomed. My deepest regrets on not being Belinda.”

or

“Apologies for me not following my true happiness. I know you only want the best for me, and I tried valiantly to live a sham life with you, fathering five children, co-signing a mortgage, and enduring 23 years of your joyless tyranny, but now I am free. And isn’t that what matters? My self-actualization?”

or

“I’ll make this up to you! Forever! I’ll never rest a day until….” (incoming text from Schmoopie) … “Whatevs.”

Oh sure, some of you never got any apology at all. There’s a strange honesty in that. The jig is up, why bother with lame excuses? Regrets take energy that could be better spent crafting dating profiles.

But for the rest of you, tell CN about all the craptacular ways there are to say “sorry.”

TGIF!

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FridayGirl@69
FridayGirl@69
4 years ago

I never got one, not sure if it was better… I don’t justify the unnecessary psychological abused and the gaslighting that was absolutely horrible!

anna
anna
4 years ago
Reply to  FridayGirl@69

Me neither. Just blameshifting and an atempt to justify his atrocious action. Its been 6 months since D day, but I survived, I m stronger now and I can finaly see the truth of my relationship: how toxic it was and i m kind of glad that my narcissist husband is not my problem any more. A huge hug to all of you!!! Tank you for the strenght you transmit.

lemonhead
lemonhead
4 years ago
Reply to  FridayGirl@69

Hoping a reply here will get me into the conversation, Not sure how to post a new comment. Any thoughts from others on the lack of decision by husband to work on marriage – we’re two months separated. Apologies and insight have never been offered.

Happily Free
Happily Free
4 years ago
Reply to  lemonhead

And apologies or insight may never come.
I went through every single thing I could’ve done and apologized and said I’d do better. I even took the blame for everything he did. He still refused me because he insisted I’d never truly forgive him and that he needed to be with someone that didn’t know all the wrong he had done.
He played nice and respectful “because I was the mother of his children,” until I filed for divorce and let the consequences roll in. Then he started spreading the lies to anyone he could including to my children. He was deceptive and obstructive through the whole process. Divorce barely done and he re-filed for custody. I’ve been living this for over 4 years.
So as Wilma said, don’t project good on someone who has proven they’re. not. good.
Protect yourself and your kids.

wilma
wilma
4 years ago
Reply to  lemonhead

@lemonhead.
Read the book!
Get all financial records together FAST. and copies out of the house
Get to a lawyer FAST.
Actions speak louder than words and your husband HAS decided NOT to work on the marriage. Obviously (really it is OBVIOUS) you have no marriage to work on, now go work on getting away.
Do not project your values on your abuser. If you even glance at the comments here you will read that over and over and over.

NeverTrustAgain
NeverTrustAgain
4 years ago
Reply to  wilma

Amen Wilma. I know everyone has their own way of doing things, and I have tiptoed around divorce for almost 2 years, watching him cheat with 22 year-olds that he paid a lot of money (called an “arrangement”). Sooner or later you get to that point, this is not going to change, and the longer it goes on the more devastated you will be, the deeper the hurt and humiliation, and the less powerful your position will be in the divorce agreement. I couldn’t be rushed by my friends, and I guess I don’t regret that because it can never be argued that I gave up. I took a beating from having the image of “tolerating” the cheating and I never did tolerate it. I just didn’t want to throw away a 37 year relationship based on the past 2 years. There was alcohol involved, and that made it hard to sort out. Once he went to treatment and became sober, his cheating escalated and his mid-life crisis was extremely evident. It was then I knew it was over without question, and no turning back. I even wondered if he had some brain tumor that caused the extreme promiscuity, but it didn’t matter, the behavior said everything. My only goal now is to get away clean with good division of assets. He has stolen my future, I can’t see more than 10 days in front of me, but I can’t watch him slowly torture me any more. Can’t wait for my lawyer’s office to open on Tuesday.

Maggie Dee
Maggie Dee
4 years ago

Brain tumor was my first thought too! I was ready to schedule a scan for him. It seemed the only reason a formerly devoted husband would have three affairs, two with women I knew and one with a dear friend. Then I realized he was a covert narcissist, a very talented one. Apparently there’s no surgery for that, but a divorce gave me freedom.

Susannah
Susannah
4 years ago
Reply to  Maggie Dee

My Mom and I wondered if Dad had had some sort of stroke. We probably should have had an evaluation done when he claimed he had astral-projected through the bedroom wall into the living room.

ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
4 years ago
Reply to  Susannah

Bwahahahaaa!!

Perhaps a cognitive/mental disability could result in not knowing what you’re doing is wrong, but a mental illness – I would really love to see research on whether mental illnesses like depression, anxiety, schizophrenia can impair moral judgements like cheating and lying. I doubt Scientists would ever get a true answer on this one.

I did stumble across some research indicating that people who are autistic, or have a lot of autistic traits, are less likely to be influenced by a person’s appearance and more likely to be influenced by their behaviour, when they judge whether or not they can trust that person. Not applicable to the question, but interesting! The stbx claims to be autistic to a degree, though I don’t think he’s ever sought a diagnosis.

NeverTrustAgain
NeverTrustAgain
4 years ago
Reply to  Maggie Dee

It is so helpful to have someone relate…I have so much self-doubt on my judgement. How could I not have known he was this much of an ass-hole? I was completely and deeply in love with him for 35 years. I can’t even imagine wanting to have another relationship if I can’t trust my ability to assess a person’s honesty. Very depressing

Maggie Dee
Maggie Dee
4 years ago

Alcohol was a factor the last five years of my almost 25 year marriage. Narcissists fill their hollowness with whatever works short term: career success, adoring women, a killer golf game, alcohol, etc. You and I will never suffice, even though our adoration and unconditional love is the only true nourishment these narcissists will ever receive. I’m taking pride in my ability to give and receive love, even though I’m nowhere near ready to love romantically and may never be. I give and take love to and from my friends and family, my community, and God. You hang in there, and know that you are so much more than your ex or his arrangements will ever be. I think it’s tempting to let you imagination run wild and assume that he’s experiencing bliss, but he wouldn’t know bliss, true happiness, if it came up and bit him on the backside. You, however, know it. That’s why it hurts now. You know it’s value and you will have it again in a way you might not expect but will appreciate.

UnsinkableMollyX
UnsinkableMollyX
4 years ago
Reply to  FridayGirl@69

Nope, never got one ever from exh2.
Exh1 eventually did apologize to me for everything he had done; however, it was about 9 or 10 years later. By the time he got around to apologizing, I no longer needed it or even cared.

Carol
Carol
4 years ago
Reply to  FridayGirl@69

I had exactly the same and zero apology. Full blown Narc went into a RAGE when I told him I wasn’t tolerating infidelity!

Missing him, but why?
Missing him, but why?
4 years ago
Reply to  FridayGirl@69

I got an apology and, “I’m paying penance everyday,” and “I care about you,” and “I’ll stop by soon.” This was almost 2 months ago. I haven’t seen him or got closure for 6 months. I’m struggling how he can take a 16+ year marriage and just run away. I wish he would never have sent that email of hope. I’d rather him have say, leave me alone and I never want to see you again. While hard, it would have been my closure. But I guess not speaking to me, blocking my phone number and now probably my email, is my closure. I’m just really struggling with the abandonment.

BetterDaysAreAhead
BetterDaysAreAhead
4 years ago

He will never give you the closure that you are searching for. I once too was waiting. But I realized that a broken person can’t heal me. It’s just not possible. Once I accepted that, i was better able to move forward. That’s a daily process. If you are attempting to reach out to him, he will forever continue to feel empowered and your reaching out just feeds his ego. If small kids are involved some contact is understandable. But please stop relying on this person too heal or give you closure. You will have to find it for yourself. It sucks. But it’s the truth

DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
4 years ago

Missing him,

the DOCTOR and I were married 35 years+, on Dday and he has not reached out to me in nearly 3 years. He spent 3 hours with one of our 3 children, in all that time. He remarried Schmoopie as soon as the divorce was final.

Last week He missed our daughter’s college graduation (but invited her to visit him and his new family later…)

I understand why you’re perplexed as to how someone wipes out a long chunk of their life. Me too. But I remind myself that while it puzzles ME, that’s because I’m once AGAIN projecting my values and world views onto someone who obviously does not share them.

That’s a really hard thing to understand, let alone accept. I’m not there yet but I’m working hard towards just shrugging off thoughts of someone who clearly shrugged off a family.

I’d PREFER thinking he’s so ashamed of himself that he could not face us at the graduation. Obviously the milestone wasn’t the priority for him that it was for me.

Even if he’d brought Schmoopie and HER child to our daughter’s graduation, I sure as hell would still have been there.

So, he continues to make a reconciliation (with our children, that is) harder & harder. The more time that passes without contact, the harder it will be to overcome. I would not be shocked if he never does show up…surprised & disappointed, but not shocked.

I’m really sorry Missing Him, b/c I have had moments where I miss the intimacy and sense of humor we shared, a lot.

But when I was dating it was easier for me to put him out of my mind, even when my date was not as “good” in some way as my ex. So I think when cheaters are with APs or whomever, it’s easier for them to occupy their lives and avoid facing the void they created. Then again, every achievement or milestone they see with someone else’s child, may well remind them that out there somewhere – their own child is living a life without them.

That ^^^thought would bring ME to my knees.

But I can’t keep projecting MY values onto him because we clearly do not share the same values.

My ex’s choices mystified me for a long time. But the ONE useful thing my mediocre lawyer told me about my ex is that “he’s not that unusual.”

It’s a shitty club to belong to, but you are not alone. And life does get better.

I can honestly say I could not be married to my ex now, (no matter what. And believe me, I’ve imagined 100 scenarios).

But I’ve seen things in him I cannot unsee or unknow. But as devastating as that was to realize, I’m better now. He was gaslighting me and in the last few years he could be cruel. That would not have improved.

I am free of him and that’s the truth.

I would not reject him to punish him. I would reject him so I could look myself in the mirror with a modicum of self respect.

Keep at this; it’s work but it’s worth it. And the alternative is hell on earth.

NeverTrustAgain
NeverTrustAgain
4 years ago

I am grateful for this post, it is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you! Today is my 34th wedding anniversary, and my soon-to-be-ex is taking his 22 year-old “arrangement” girl to Hamilton in SanFranciso. He spent over $3000 on her this week, and that is just plain abuse. Can he wait until the divorce comes through? Not for a single minute. He actually sent me flowers at work today, telling me this day will “always be special” and he has “very good memories of the last 34 years.” Really? I can’t think of a single memory that wasn’t a lie. I will never trust anyone again. I am completely broken. I like hearing that life gets better. Looking forward to better, hoping that is really true.

Elderly Chump
Elderly Chump
4 years ago

NTA,

Your ‘story’ is very similar to mine. The shocker for me came when I realized that all of may memories were lies too – that my whole past was being re-written and, once aware, the red flags began bouncing up everywhere.

It has been about 2 years now and I can vouch for what others say here….it does get better but it is hell getting here. Memories bombarding at most inopportune times and tears flowing. I never thought it would stop.

Hang tough. I read a lot which helped me grasp the enormity of the situation but I didn’t find CN until I had been hanging out with the online RIC crowd. Talk about insult to injury! Anyway, I consider myself wiser now and my future is looking better every day.

(At the time of Dday I was literally ready to commit suicide because I felt like my life was over and I couldn’t see my way through the pain EVER. I have remarkable friends who talked me off of the cliff and remarkable kids to whom I really couldn’t have left in that way but the urges were very strong. I look back now and think what a complete waste that would have been.)

One of the hardest things for me to grasp was that the man I though he was and loved so dearly never existed. All a lie.

Discovering who I am is actually exciting and fun. I never knew this me existed before because he was such a substantial part of my adult life.

Kbchump
Kbchump
4 years ago

Great post Doctors1stWife..and yeah the thing I miss the most about my ex wife is our sense of humor, the busting out catch your breath laughing. I don’t have that with anyone anymore. Sucks.

freedomtogrow
freedomtogrow
4 years ago

Beautifully worded Drs1stwife &kids. I could not have said this better.

I would love to know if they ever admit, even quietly to themselves. The regret about things they missed out on with their kids? Because making the effort to have a relationship with their children was either too hard or to embarrassing?

Susannah
Susannah
4 years ago
Reply to  freedomtogrow

As far as I can tell, my bio-Dad does not regret writing me and my children off, at all. In the past 19 years, I am the only one who has given him grandchildren. He hasn’t seen them since 2008. He has never met his youngest two grandchildren, and he won’t visit because I live in Texas, which isn’t a “woke” enough place for him. He had been emailing me about once a week for the past three months, but this last month has dropped me completely. I don’t know if I wrote something that was too southern or red-necky, or if he died. It will remain a mystery, I have too much going on around me in Texas.

monimoni
monimoni
4 years ago

Thank you so much for this @DOCTOR’s1stWife&Kids, it is exactly what I needed to hear today.

Gerda
Gerda
4 years ago
Reply to  FridayGirl@69

I’m sorry for what I have done, But it wasn’t all that bad. I was still a good husband, ( while dating, fucking and spending my time with any willing hooker/ people I dated from the moment we got engaged)
father ( except for having sex with you while pregnant, and exposing you and unborn children to deadly STDs) and my outside marriage activities were only small portion of our life together( while u were taking care of our children, house, full time school and me screwing around, gaslighting you and causing PTSD)
And I was always the same person you married – sweet, loving, devoted, focused on good values and family ( yes, I block the abuse, psychological tortures of gaslighting, lies, cruel words and actions, abandonment, depriving you from healthy sex life, infecting you with std, etc.

Yes. Apologies.

Elderly Chump
Elderly Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  Gerda

Yes, Gerda I got the same and he still believes he was the wounded/wonderful one because all that followed his apologies – I am sorry BUT…….fill in the blank with any blame shifting statement you have or gaslighting techniques that his self-pity has immersed him into up to his neck.

Thanks to CN and CL I now see those apologies for what they really are – more manipulation and it is chilling to see that he truly believes them and ultimately, because he believes his self-pitying lies, has no remorse for what he has done to me or our houseful of children. All about him and his sorriness. Complete amnesia as to what he did in the first place to get the ball rolling – and believe me – that ball(s) rolled for a long, long time in and out of all sorts of women whom he chose not to mention to me until Dday. No big deal – right!!!! Did I forget to mention his minimizing it all?
Silly, silly me.

Luckily I still have my sense of humor intact and hope that I am never that silly again in this life time!

Jenfullofgrace2
Jenfullofgrace2
4 years ago
Reply to  Gerda

My STBX said he wasn’t going to beg me to come back (I left him on DDay). That was my apology for his cheating. I told him not to worry about it, I wasn’t asking him to beg in the first place.
Catch you on the flip side NEVER!

Fearful&loathing
Fearful&loathing
4 years ago
Reply to  Gerda

☝️ALL OF THIS, Gerda. SAME.

Authentic Chump
Authentic Chump
4 years ago

This text message arrived 7 months afterD-Day, and 2 months after I signed for divorce. The STBXH found out i was dating:

“If it makes you feel any better I now know the incredible depths of pain you must have gone through, pain like cannot be imagined, and I now understand why you said it was the most painful hurtful mean thing ever.

No one should ever go through this and for what it is worth I am really sorry I put you through it.”

Sounds more like he’s getting sorry for himself, or maybe Schmoopie cheated on him.

Cam
Cam
4 years ago

The lack of shame in these people is appalling.

ivyleaguechump
ivyleaguechump
4 years ago

Wiat. You mean you actually moved ON with your life? You weren’t pining away for HIM??

Every. Single. Guy. who ever broke up with me came crawling back after the fact, wanting desperately to get back together. It was like they finally figured out I was a treasure. Nope. I always moved on. Until Mr. Can’t Keep it in His Pants. I danced for two years.

So, working on fixing my picker, since my issue seems to be the guys that attract me. I’m done with cheaters, with roving eyes. DONE.

ivyleaguechump
ivyleaguechump
4 years ago
Reply to  Gerda

“I’m sorry, BUT…” isn’t an apology. It means “get ready for my justification/rationalization that will keep me believing I am as wonderful as I think I am, in spite of my hideous actions.”

During my 2 year dance, Mr. Can’t Keep it in His Pants moved from “I’m sorry you feel this way” to “I’m sorry I didn’t push harder for my ‘needs’ to be met” to ‘I’m sorry I hurt you”, which, I realize is more than many of my fellow chumps got. But here is the thing: he has never admitted remorse for actually having the affair. Oh, no. Because that was “so dear” according to his journal, and I will never be able to wipe that from his memory, and how spectacular it was to him. No regrets, no remorse. (Never mind the whores and other hookups he had while also cheating on Shmoopie.)

And yet, that is what I required. True remorse.

No “Buts”.

IPickMe
IPickMe
4 years ago
Reply to  ivyleaguechump

Oh the journal! Schmoopie wrote a love letter to Xhole in HIS journal. In a way, im grateful – it was what finally made me leave. The apology I got? “I’m sorry you’re mad at me”. I actually grieved this loser. The other side is so much better.

ClearView
ClearView
4 years ago
Reply to  ivyleaguechump

Thanks, Ivyleaguechump, I had the jaw-dropping experience, too, of hearing, “I take ownership of not emphasizing my needs more.” A classic I-didn’t-know-whether-to-laugh-or-cry moment; our entire relationship–from the most miniscule minutiae to the grand and gigantic–was always and only about his needs. In restrospect, I see myself and the mental and emotional gymnastics I performed to keep up and it takes my breath away. Anyway, thanks.

ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
4 years ago
Reply to  ivyleaguechump

Same. Sorty he put me and the kids through hell, but not sorry for the deception, false promises, broken promises, leaving for the EA. When it was clear she didn’t want him anyway there was more future faking (wish I hadn’t bern taken in) but still no remorse. He’s a proud man in the worst sense.

Rebecca
Rebecca
4 years ago
Reply to  FridayGirl@69

No apology or admission here either. Not during the high-pressure divorce or deposition…even though everyone at the table knew the truth.
It wasn’t that he couldn’t be bothered with a lame excuse or the energy needed to own up – it was all about KEEPING SECRETS!!!
If the words don’t pass through his lips, then it didn’t happen.
That’s some sort of crazy that I don’t even want to understand.
Shhh, years later it’s still a SECRET…

NewBeginnings
NewBeginnings
4 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Me too, no apologies. If he doesn’t ever admit it then he can pretend to everyone that it never happened.

brit
brit
4 years ago
Reply to  NewBeginnings

Same, no apologies, in his mind he didn’t do anything wrong, he didn’t cheat. It would have been okay if he did since we weren’t getting along, but he didn’t..,
There must be a chapter in the cheating hand book, “If you don’t admit to cheating then it didn’t happen.”
My cheater is honorable he claims he didn’t mess around until he moved out, he expected me to believe him because he’s a man of integrity.
They’re not only disordered they’re delusional

brit
brit
4 years ago
Reply to  brit

Cheater would get highly offended if I were to accuse him of cheating, you know me Brit, I’m not that kind of guy..

WaitingforTuesday
WaitingforTuesday
4 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Same!! We are divorced now, and so is the OW and her spouse. They still pretend nothing happened, and they still pretend they aren’t together, but they are together… my brain explodes from all the crazy. Same too, if it doesn’t pass through his lips, then that means it never happened. They are a special kind of crazy!!

Involuntary Georgian
Involuntary Georgian
4 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Yep: if you don’t say the word, it didn’t happen. I really, truly don’t expect an apology or an explanation – but I am still amazed that she won’t acknowledge that it even happened. I mean, if there’s nothing to be ashamed of – if breaking up two families for their forbidden love was really the right thing to do – why can’t she own it? At least her AP told his wife that he was leaving her for my XW. My XW left me the same week, and she still won’t even admit that she had an affair. We’re 3+ years out, they’re married, and she seems to actually believe that I don’t know.

Carly
Carly
4 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Mine too! She hovers in the back bedroom when I come pick up my kid…weirdos! Why do they act like that? Triangulation?

Susanna
Susanna
4 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Yes, if no one speaks if it it isn’t, wasn’t, never happened.
Sick.

Adelante
Adelante
4 years ago
Reply to  Susanna

Yes, and for the ex, keeping secrets is part of the thrill.

nini1912
nini1912
4 years ago

I got no apology – only that he was sorry that he hadn’t ended the marriage before it got to him cheating and making her pregnant – and yes I fulfil Tracey’s second Chump example – he fathered five children with me, lived in a terrible unhappy pretence of a 19 year relationship/marriage, co-signed a mortgage, but hes not getting any younger and deserves his happiness 🙂 🙂 🙂 oh well, two years out from d-day, trying to untangle myself legally from the unintentionally unemployed moron who wont co-operate with the courts I am getting to Tuesday best I can. Looking forward to a busy weekend with my young family that he has no part in.

dldr
dldr
4 years ago
Reply to  nini1912

yeah i got “yes she is my girlfriend because of how you treated me”. 18 years 2 kids and this fuckwit while working in another city decides to start his new life.unbeknownst to me. Going on Tinder dates in the expensive city while screaming at me that i spent too much on school supplies. I discovered this one (he “just kissed” a co worker last time he was working in the city after our son was born) early because he wanted me too (found the tinder app on his phone and pictures of her that i wanted to send to her mother so she could see what a pig her daughter was ( i refrained). He went back to drinking (because when you meet women form the internet at a bar and you don’t drink they think you are weird), she kicked him out for being a drunk. i allowed him to stay (we were very much NOT together) because our daughter BEGGED me too. The whole time he thinks he is going to live in our downstairs and go into the city to work and see her. He told me we can see where we are in 6 months. WELL- I said i don’t need 6 minutes, threw his stuff out the window and sent him packing. This was Sept – Nov. Schmoopie, who he met on Tinder and knew for 3 weeks too him in immediately. Quality person right? Come February i get a call from him “he needs mental health help. Like a fool, i say come home. I find him a bed at a hospital, pick him up from the bus station, drive him to the hospital 2 hours away and he calls me as soon as i get home to ask for a notebook, why you may ask? Schmoopies phone number is in it and he can’t have his phone in the hospital so he needs to know the number! That was it. I had his phone. I called schmoopie the one and only encounter i had with her to tell her that he was not coming to my home so i hope she could take him in. She did and they have been together ever since. She’s neat. he’s 50 she’s 35. He told me i had to wait 2 yrs for a divorce (he’s a lawyer, not a good one though) i begged, borrowed and stole to get a retainer and a lawyer who dismantled him. Her fee was worth that alone. She gave me the best words of wisdom about him. He is mentally ill and doesn’t know what he is talking about”. In dealing with him in the limited capacity that i have too for the kids (text only, no phone unless it’s critical and he doesn’t come in my house, he’s very upset about it . Now 2 1/2 years later i have MEH most days. I still come here a lot. Our 16 year old daughter won’t see him because he now lives out of state 3 hrs away with schmoopie in a one bedroom where my daughter sleeps on the couch and son a cot in the living room right outside there bedroom door. She says he rages about me the entire car ride to his place and then acts “weird” with his gf. My point is i’m glad i didn’t get the apology. It would have given me hope that wasn’t there. I just repeat what my lawyer says and be the best sane parent i can be. At least they have one. Keep striving for MEH. You can do it! Also i am typing this at work so forgive my run ons and poor punctuation.

Inescapable
Inescapable
4 years ago
Reply to  nini1912

I got something similar.
– I am sorry that I did not tell you are marriage was over before I slept with OW.
– I am sorry, I was not planning to hurt you, I really thought you would not find out.
– I am sorry, don’t you see how miserable I am

I never really got an apology supported by actions.
Empty words spoken with a logic that did not make any sense.

Forwhat
Forwhat
4 years ago
Reply to  Inescapable

I got a text last night – ‘I’m sorry’…for what -that question has been doggin me all morning.

Meow Mix
Meow Mix
4 years ago
Reply to  Forwhat

Mindfuck. Just trying to mindfuck you?.

SupineChump
SupineChump
4 years ago
Reply to  nini1912

I have five kids too! He was cheating during my fifth pregnancy?!? When he walked out, my kids were newborn/2/4/6/8 years old and I was a stay-home homeschooling mom. It’s four years later and I’m mostly at Meh, but some days the rage comes back, especially with his lawyers barking at me for not having a career to help pay for private school tuition, I DIDN’T ASK FOR THIS..

Carol
Carol
4 years ago
Reply to  SupineChump

OMG these guys are PATHETIC LOSERS!

NotANiceChump
NotANiceChump
4 years ago
Reply to  SupineChump

Yes, all this. My ex has been an abusive a-hole when it comes to the mediocre child support he pays me for our child so that I may finish my graduate program (he, of course, got his graduate degree ages ago while I supported him completely). Yet, still manages to travel all over the world, buy a nice big house, etc.

Ya know, I’m a fan of no-fault divorces, generally. They’ve made it easier for women to get divorced and leave terrible abusive marriages–something that wasn’t allowed a generation or so ago. BUT, I think every state oughta have a clause for infidelity, if it’s provable. Like, create some basic evidence standard for proof, then require the cheating party to compensate in some way for the victim’s loss. Maybe it’s that the receive more community property or higher alimony checks.

I dunno…but if the government wants to work on strengthening the family unit, they’ll spend less time working to prevent gay marriage and more time making cheating so financially devastating that these people are forced to stop.

Maggie Dee
Maggie Dee
4 years ago
Reply to  NotANiceChump

I agree. Infidelity is as damaging and hurtful as other criminal offenses. It should be considered and punishable in divorce cases. My advice to APs and unfaithful spouses is to apologize. Whenever you hurt someone, whether it’s infidelity or anything else, try to make amends. That’s basic humanity 101.

SheChump
SheChump
4 years ago
Reply to  NotANiceChump

NotaNiceChump – I totally agree. As this post clearly indicates, too often the cheater gets off scott-free from responsibilities, consequences and frequently lazy on child support. The ghastly impact of an affair on the entire family left devastated should be recognized by the courts. There should be some kind of compensation (even if to give a cheater a bit of thought before spreading their semen around, or opening their legs). The damage to the chump and the children is nothing short of catastrophic. However, it seems like a horrendous task to get a court to change direction on this. When did adultery become OKAY? anyway? It’s a sin, just like murder. Now you’ve got me on a brand new rant. I know, 6 yrs later – here I am, still haunted by the torturous days of devaluing, lying and stealing, and ruining everything in life that I valued. And, I’ll bet two donuts to a douchebag that he’s tripping away on the light fantastic.

Karmamamma
Karmamamma
4 years ago
Reply to  SheChump

Yeah, I have a DNA test proving my husband cheated since he fathered a child with his first affair partner. Now after affair number two I filed for divorce and I have to fight him to split the assets and give him extra since I saved more in my retirement account than he did. I would even be happy if the courts would split everything and give me half rather than letting him drag out the divorce.

Calgal1
Calgal1
4 years ago
Reply to  Karmamamma

Karmamamma,

Oh I feel for you! This is where the narrative on cheating needs to change. It needs to be recognized as the abuse that it is. Even in no-fault states, I believe a record of abuse can nullify the requirement of equal split. Cheating also should be treated as a breach of contract.

Idk what it is about these cheaters that drag things out in litigation. It just infuriates me that the non-cheating spouse is required to make a payout for purposes of equalization of finances with the cheater. While that was not my scenario, I had the cheater that dragged everything out. Claimed he would burn through all the money before agreeing to a settlement that he didn’t think was fair. My divorce cost far more than it should, and I don’t have the ability to quickly make that money back. While in the end Ex did pay a portion of my legal fees, it was a drop in the bucket.

I hope your cheating Ex experiences all the bad mojo and karma he deserves…

Jasmine
Jasmine
4 years ago
Reply to  Calgal1

Funny …the bible says both adulterers should be stoned to death ….there is no 50 50 split with a dead man

NotANiceChump
NotANiceChump
4 years ago
Reply to  SheChump

The problem is that adultery has always been ok, at least for men. No religion in the world has stamped that out. My grandpa cheated on my grandma, all my uncles have cheated on their wives, my great great grandfather came to America as a married man but took up with another women here and basically made her his wife, until his actual wife took a boat over. These are all Christian men. Religion did nothing to stop them and in fact looked the other way. Many of their wives were religiously counseled to stick it out with their cheating spouses. I can’t speak to God on this issue, but religion has failed women in this regard.

The big shift I see now is that women aren’t tolerating it as much anymore because we don’t have to. Enter: CL. Turns out, it’s gross and demeaning to share your partner with someone else. Also, it’s gross to be with a liar.

And I know that women cheat too…but from a purely historical and statistical perspective–this is a male-driven behavior.

weddingbelle
weddingbelle
4 years ago
Reply to  SheChump

How about compensation and maybe even jail time for the pricks that gave their spouses sometimes incurable stis?

NotANiceChump
NotANiceChump
4 years ago
Reply to  weddingbelle

I’ll tell ya, if I had gotten an STD from my ex as a result of his cheating I would have absolutely sued him for something, anything that I could. Even if I lost, it’s worth the effort to at least try to create a legal footprint and hold these abusers accountable.

Agree with SupineChump…I DIDN’T ASK FOR ANY OF THIS!!! I was a loyal and good partner.

Honeyandthehomewrecker.com
Honeyandthehomewrecker.com
4 years ago
Reply to  SupineChump

Oh my Lord, Supine!! You are mighty. Mine were 1 and 2..I can’t imagine 5!! I’ve experienced the same blame for only being able to swing a part time job as I raised 2 babies alone and got my bachelor’s degree. It’s the whole reason he hasn’t been able to afford coming to see our children in FIVE YEARS. Me. And my inability to make more money. Must also be why he’s 50k in child support arrears. Point is, blameshifting is right out of the cheater playbook, and yes, rage is the appropriate response to something so absurd and unfair, not to mention calloused and without empathy. They can’t imagine the lives they left us with for one second, but they sure feel entitled to tell us we’re somehow doing it wrong. Best to you, keep on rocking it with your kids. You owe exactly zero information about how you fix the life he broke.

Granny
Granny
4 years ago
Reply to  SupineChump

Oh my…. we made a deal about SAHMand him working until kids reach middle school… with his crazy busy schedule it made sense- to have at least one parent present from Mon-Fri
Yes.
What was not discussed?
Me following our agreement filled with respect love and support and him screwing over any value, any human being and getting mad for me not working at the end.
Yes. Lies anger and entitlement.

Expecting
Expecting
4 years ago
Reply to  nini1912

I’m sorry = I’m sorry you caught me

I’ll never do it again = I would have kept cheating as long as I could, until you caught me

I’ll make it up to you for the rest of my life = after a VERY brief period of time, I’ll cover my tracks better and try harder to not get caught… because I care about you

I didn’t mean to hurt you = because you weren’t supposed to find out, silly!

She means nothing = because she’s a prostitute

Carol
Carol
4 years ago
Reply to  Expecting

????????????????????????????????????????????

Kfindingmyway
Kfindingmyway
4 years ago
Reply to  Carol

Dang, that list is exactly what I got if you change #3 to I’ll have to live with this for the rest of my life.

What? Live with what? Exposure , shame, remorse. It doesn’t seem to bother him now,he has moved on and now our grown children seem to have forgotten also.

I can’t move past this until divorce, supposedly 8 months away.

Sandy
Sandy
4 years ago
Reply to  Expecting

Almost exactly!!!

Martha
Martha
4 years ago
Reply to  Expecting

This^^^^^, but for me I’d change the last one to “She/they means nothing to me = They are just friends. They are sexless to me. I can’t tell whether they are male or female. They are my healthy female friends.”

Yes, that was all said to me. And he also told me in The Divorce Letter that he wished I had “healthy male friends” too! This from a man who was EXTREMELY jealous the TWO times in 23 years that I barely came close to having a male friend. He had/has a harem of female friends and I needed to be okay with all of them!

OptionNoMore
OptionNoMore
4 years ago

You know, I don’t know if I recall an actual apology during the year of pick-me dancing. I think I projected feelings of remorse onto him, as in I could see that he appeared to feel badly and he spoke of regret for the damage he caused, but I can’t actually remember an actual apology.

Wow! Something else to sort through, great.

I know it’s so important for my well-being and future happiness to process all of this, mourn and free myself of it. I need to let this go. But, when another layer of the level of moral depravity committed against you comes to light, it’s difficult. In order to truly be sorry for something you have done, you have to own what you have done. Considering all that I have discovered about my STBXH’s behaviour in the final years of our marriage, things he doesn’t know I have learned because I’ve chosen to hold my cards close to my chest, it’s saddening to realize that there hasn’t been a true “sorry,” simply the appearance of regret on his part that I came to learn as much as he realizes I know.

Chumplanta
Chumplanta
4 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

Yep, Option, 3 years out from the his moving out and 3 1/2 years past the day, never got an apology.

One time, shortly after he left he called me and told me he wanted to meet me to apologize to me. I talked to my therapist about it and she asked me what would it change? Then she suggested I have in mind how would I respond. I determined that if he did apologize I would be ready with “That’s about what I expected you would say.” He never brought it up again. .

I once heard an older gentleman in his 70s, I’ll call him Bill, share with deep remorse that he owed his first wife an apology. I had the sense that he now realizes how foolish he was — fooled himself into thinking he deserved and was getting something better way back then. I have thought many times, what if I said to Bill, let’s go sit down somewhere quiet, as someone who was abandoned by their spouse I’d like to hear that apology. I will never do it, I’m sure. But an apology based on decades of realizations might just be interesting. Cathartic. And then I could say, “I don’t know your wife, Bill, but if she were here I think she would say ‘That’s about what I was expecting you to say.’”

violet
violet
4 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

Cheaters have a tendency to confuse regret and remorse. Yes, my X expressed regret that I discovered his infidelity. I cannot remember a single time when he expressed remorse. He certainly regretted that the image he had manufactured was shattered. Remorse, however, would have required him to examine his conduct honestly and acknowledge the hurt he caused our family. That was never going to happen.

Letitsnow
Letitsnow
4 years ago
Reply to  violet

My fuckwit just responded….. “you cant put my dick in your purse!”
Wow, just wow. Equal to, you can’t be the boss of me.
All I needed to hear.
Xo

oldcrone
oldcrone
4 years ago
Reply to  Letitsnow

My cheater’s OWhore sent me many angry and abusive texts telling ME all the ways I failed as a wife after the asshole dumped her. One of her classic texts said that I didn’t deserve him, and he was just going to be “put on a shelf” by me.
Uh, yeah.
Stupid skank, he cheated on HER the whole time too.
And I was the one who was “put on a shelf”. Asshole didn’t even sleep in the same bed as me for years, so he could sneak out of the house in the middle of the night to meet random people for skeevy “casual encounters”. Sex with him was rare and unsatisfying (with all his experience, he’s still a selfish man who really doesn’t know or care enough to please a lover).
He expressed outrage that she contacted me, but really who’s fault was this?
Sure, the fact that she knew that he was married makes her a lousy skank, but she wasn’t the one who strayed.
HE was the one who allowed her to think that they had a future (they were “together” ten years), HE was the one who cheated and lied, HE was the one who left his phone around so she could get my number (and worse, our kids’ and grandkids’ numbers), and HE was the one who constantly complained about and criticized me to her.
He said he was sorry.
Sorry doesn’t mean shit.
Fuck all the sorries.
You don’t get to do whatever and whoever you want for 41 years and then “sorry” your way back to me.
I’m sorry that I ever met him.
That’s the only sorry that matters.

SupineChump
SupineChump
4 years ago
Reply to  violet

I had exactly the same experience with my cheating ex. Lying and cheating kills brain cells, I swear…

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
4 years ago
Reply to  SupineChump

I definitely agree with that one. My ex used to always have it all together and always remembered everything. Now he can’t remember squat. This started before DDay and I was afraid it was early onset dementia. Of course they already have to have been pretty messed up in the head to cheat in the first place….

ClearView
ClearView
4 years ago

Chumpinrecovery, Can we learn more about this? My STBXH was convinced he had early onset dementia in the months leading up to DDay and clearly, he was in decline. Still, he’s marginally functional administratively, interpersonally and professionally. I chalked it up to the exhaustion and distraction associated with living a double-life. Ooops! Here we go, untangling the skein. Sorry, CL.

LeeLeeC
LeeLeeC
4 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

Hey Option – you never REALLY get over it. But, as CL says – you will get to a point of “meh” where it doesn’t affect you the way it had. And take as long as you need. I’m almost 5 yrs post-D day and I’m STILL not over it. I don’t think I will ever be over it.

renee62
renee62
4 years ago
Reply to  LeeLeeC

I am almost 5 years post and I am STILL not over it also. And I doubt that I ever will be. I thought that was just a “me” problem. Glad to know I’m not alone.

Apology never received.
I was told: “Would my saying I’m sorry do any good?”
Yes. If you truly meant it it would, Jackass…

So glad I am living a cheater-free life.

Rebecca
Rebecca
4 years ago
Reply to  renee62

His infidelity will live with me forever. The trauma is so deep and so profound.
I have a great life, amazing kids, wonderful friends, a sweet puppy and more blessings than I could list. I am content even though I miss what I thought was a partner.
I am a survivor and at peace because I can live a good life and carry the pain at the same time.

Smart Woman
Smart Woman
4 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

That’s helpful to me Rebecca, 40 years no apology, I don’t think I’ll ever get to meh, but I too can carry the pain and have a good life.

ClearView
ClearView
4 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Yes, Rebecca, all those things, too. As I’ve said to nearest and dearest lately, “I’m a mess but I’m also absolutely okay.”

GuiltyasCharged
GuiltyasCharged
4 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

Wow. Your post just made me realize that my ex never verbally apologized but was able to make me think he was remorseful by the way he acted. Lesson! Action don’t always speak louder than words. Guess it makes no sense to apologize when it’s already been decided to continue doing what your doing…..just pretend to be sorry to keep the chump part of the theatrical drama

wilma
wilma
4 years ago

@GuiltyasCharged. … nope
ACTION: no apology IS the truth.. he wasn’t sorry. Thus ACTION while perhaps not greater than words, DOES speak the truth.

watch the action and don’t listen is very good advice.

Seerant
Seerant
4 years ago

“She reminds me of you at the beginning.”

ChumpStaronHollywoodBlvd
ChumpStaronHollywoodBlvd
4 years ago
Reply to  Seerant

I got the same!!! It was amazing… believe me, I always have something to say, sarcastic or otherwise. But when he actually said, “she is kind of like you, if you had met her, you probably would have liked her or have been friends!!!” What in fucking hell??!! I think it took me a good minute to pick my jaw up off the floor, and ask “are you fucking kidding me? That stupid married cunt with four kids who screws married co-workers is nothing like me”. Oh man, I flipped the fuck out with that comment. I’ve heard some stupid shit come out of his mouth, that one, was a winner for sure.

ChumpaWump
ChumpaWump
4 years ago
Reply to  Seerant

Peeeeice of shit. These people are so fucked up.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
4 years ago
Reply to  Seerant

OMG! I just gasped reading this. Seerant, you MUST be better off without this callous jerk.

Adelante
Adelante
4 years ago
Reply to  Seerant

The ex has never said this, but I have observed that his serial infatuations always involved young women who were very much like me in my 20s (we’re now both in our 60s). Ironically, I can remember back when we were dating, the he, his father, AND his grandfather were all dating women who were 28. I used to make a joke of this but now I see it in a very different light.

UXworld
UXworld
4 years ago
Reply to  Seerant

” . . . yeah, at the beginning, when you didn’t know who I really was, and I could make you believe anything about me, and you didn’t have the benefit of years of seeing the ‘real me.’ I liked it that way, and that’s why I like her now.”

Happily Free
Happily Free
4 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Accurate!!

Doingme
Doingme
4 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

UX, I love the fact she admitted that she hid behind a mask. As chumps we often find greater fault with the OP believing they were the cause. And the cheater plays that with finesse.

In the absence of remorse they’d rather enjoy the pain inflicted. When the Limited spoke of the OW it was if he was drinking up the excitement as a high he got off on. He did.
“I told her I wasn’t happy for two years.”

They know what they are and embrace the power in duplicity. This awareness (ours) can be the starting point in fighting for ourselves knowing they so want to hold onto the reins to cause further pain in all way possible.

To me this is the initial understanding all chumps have to see to move forward.

I swear KK is the female Limited.

CurlyChump
CurlyChump
4 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Exactly! Lady liar hunted down another chump to replace the “me she used to know.”

CC
CC
4 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Oh god. One of the things the ex said to be when he said I broke his heart and I mistakingly asked how was, “You don’t believe in me.”

Yeah. I finally realized every word out of his mouth is a lie. On to a new, more gullible target.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
4 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

KK, likes being a lying tramp? ok That’s a pretty high bar she has set for herself!

LeeLeeC
LeeLeeC
4 years ago
Reply to  Seerant

Hahahaha! No way. So…I was a gold-digging, husband stealing skank with absolutely no morals, character or integrity who wanted to steal someone else’s life? Hm. Guess I need to have that checked!

K
K
4 years ago

“I’ve been a devoted husband for 25 years of my life, but now _____.” 8+ years of cheating is included in there somehow. And when he got caught the last time (while we were supposedly working on our marriage after his previous affair), “I was faithful for a YEAR and you still didn’t ______.”

No apologies, not even one. Just a long list of where I’d gone wrong, and never once any discussion about where HE’d gone wrong.

5 years out – I’m a MEH. And happy about that! I didn’t realize how incredibly stressed I had been for those years until (after spending a year on the floor), I could breathe again and was amazed how good breathing feels! I might be alone, but I’m not being lied to. 🙂

OptionNoMore
OptionNoMore
4 years ago
Reply to  K

So good to hear that you are in such a better place.

LeeLeeC
LeeLeeC
4 years ago

“We were a mess!” That’s what I got. And yeah – we were but mostly because you were a disrespectful, inconsiderate, rude, mean ass hat to me AND because you were fucking some white trash alcoholic moron. Ya think? Why be nice to ME or have any respect, loyalty or consideration when she was there to hang on your every word, satisfy your every whim and just breath in the sweet perfume of your majesty? He later described her by saying “she just wanted to be where I was.” P.S. That’s how I used to describe OUR DOG. Oh and yeah – THIS was how he remedied the fact that we were “a mess.” Nice.

Struggling
Struggling
4 years ago

I did indeed get a written apology email, a few months after he moved out. It devastated me when I received it. He used the words “I’m sorry” a lot, and I read between the lines, as he intended, and read all the ways in which I had failed him, failed to be a good wife, compelling him to cheat and leave. Eventually I put it through my own UBT, and can read it for what it really is: an “I blame you, chump” letter, thinly disguised as an apology letter. Big long mind-fuck. He presented himself as this great guy taking responsibility for the demise of the marriage, and got his point across that it was all my fault. Win-win for him. What an asshole. I won’t put the whole thing here, but this little nugget sums it up pretty well: “I’m sorry that I was unable to express my needs to you in a way that you could understand.” See how sorry he is that I’m so stupid? It goes on like this, and not once anywhere did he apologize for cheating, ha! Like it had nothing to do with it at all…

So I agree with Tracy a bit that “no apology at all” is more honest in a way

Calgal1
Calgal1
4 years ago
Reply to  Struggling

I received a handwritten “apology” letter in the mail. He was already living with his OW. I concluded the context of the letter was he was sorry for himself. It sounded more like he was sorry he didn’t live up to his ideals for himself. Not really sorry about the pain he caused me. No real acknowledgment of how his actions affected the family. It was all about him. In fact I’m pretty sure he said that he will have it harder than me in the future, because he will have to live with the knowledge of what he did. Wah wah wah…

Was he sorry enough to provide a smooth dissolution with a fair settlement to me? No. The divorce dragged on for years, he lied in front of the judge, he got caught in his lies during depositions and through bank subpoenas. In the end he settled because he didn’t want to go in front of the judge again, this time with her knowing he lied to her before. I settled because I didn’t trust the judge, based on her ruling to deny me fees the first time. I could have paid off the mortgage and fully funded college for my children with the money I paid lawyers and forensics.

The Ex refuses to help children with any college expenses and plays the sad sausage that I took all his money. Hah! If only that were true. After decades out of the workforce I work full-time for low wage and no benefits. I pay for college as much as I can, and the girls take out some student loans. He gives them t-shirts from his trips to Bora Bora, Tahiti, Cook Islands, Fiji, Hawaii. Oh, and I think they get invites to go out on his new boat.

He still has the nerve to tell his children that I have it better than him in the long run. It’s true. I do. It’s because I am the person I am though, not because I took something from him.

P
P
4 years ago
Reply to  Struggling

You didn’t have an opportunity to express your needs to him when he was absent cheating but you still weren’t compelled to cheat. It seems it’s very much him. Why were you upset? I’d have laughed, in his face, if necessary.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
4 years ago
Reply to  Struggling

Struggling, I too received the “apology-emails-that-weren’t-sorry.” X wrote almost exactly the same thing, full of blameshifting and condescending as fuck: “I’m sorry that you were unable to meet my needs and that’s what made me do ‘certain things’ and, anyway, the marriage had been over for a long time, sorry.” News to me! I did everything and more that a wife in a married couple does …. he made sure of that….him? Almost nothing that a husband should do. And I made him be like that. Funny I had such evil powers but no power to make him stop fucking other women, lying, threatening, abandoning…..

I’m so glad to be done with all that emotional abuse. Today is a million light years better — being divorced 2 years, rebuilding my life, and completely No Contact makes all the difference.

Fearful&loathing
Fearful&loathing
4 years ago
Reply to  Struggling

Struggling, I received an almost verbatim line to “I’m sorry I was unable to express my needs to you”. It’s from the playbook.

I also got: “I’m sorry you feel that way”. Nothing to do with the behavior that made me feel that way. Nope.

ClearView
ClearView
4 years ago

Yes, Fearful&loathing and Struggling, so grateful to hear from others who got something like, “I’m sorry I didn’t express my needs more openly.” The punch line for me, and probably for many of us, is that everything, always, was about his needs.

Martha
Martha
4 years ago

I too got the same line in The Divorce Letter about how he couldn’t tell me stuff. That I was sooooo judgemental and controlling! He brought up a conversation we had had a few weeks prior to the reading of the letter. I asked him what his best friend/best man at our wedding said about him going on a date with a newly divorced whore. I thought (stupid me) that his “Christian” best friend would have told him that it was wrong to go out on a date with a newly divorced whore. He told me that his friend didn’t say anything at all. He was supporting him and just being a good friend to him; he was just listening and trying to understand. Ugh. Now I realize he probably told a lot of lies to his friend or his friend is as morally bankrupt as him! My ex said to me in the letter that he realized the night I had asked him about what his friend said, that I was not being a good friend to him by judging him and questioning his behavior. He then went onto say “that he could only imagine how much he kept from me over the years, because of my black and white thinking” and my judgey attitude. THIS coming from the man who I thought was my best friend in the world. The person I told EVERYTHING too! The person who I had lengthy conversations with about so many topics. It sure seemed like he was comfortable talking with me about just about anything. Well, I guess he omitted everything about the double life he lead for 23 years. I’m not judgemental and I’m not controlling. But now I have no problem saying to anyone that you won’t treat me like this. And if you do, I’m gone!

Anger
Anger
4 years ago

“ I’m sorry you feel that way”
“ I’m sorry that I did it”
“ I will do anything to fix it”( except from what you ask for”
“ I’m here to help you deal with this trauma”( I said no thanks, just stop being an ass and stop fucking around… lol that was too much. You know- hearing how much he hurt me was an easy thing, doing something required work on himself)
“ I’m sorry I’m such a fucked up person, but….”
“ I’m sorry you can’t help me get better”( I kids you not!)
“ I’m sorry you are so hurt that you are unable to see the healthy way to move forward”( me- living my values every single day, him- no values at all and hiding it from day one. Yes, he should be a judge of s healthy way ????)

Etc.
“I’m sorry I screwed up… I feel so bad about myself… I feel like complete crap… help me please”

Fearful&loathing
Fearful&loathing
4 years ago
Reply to  Anger

“I’m sorry you’re so hurt you can’t see a healthy way to move forward “????! ????‍♀️

Yep. And CHEATING is a healthy solution to “marital problems”.

THey are all such selfish, myopic, dicks.

weddingbelle
weddingbelle
4 years ago
Reply to  Anger

Just use “I was a piece of shit” as the answer to every question you have. Yeah, really!

Marzy-d
Marzy-d
4 years ago
Reply to  weddingbelle

Well, to be fair, that he was a piece of shit pretty much is the answer to all your questions. Pretty good insight for a cheater.

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
4 years ago

Oh yes, I got that line of how he couldn’t be open with me. He just couldn’t tell me things because of this or that reason, always falling into the category of my awfulness. I call bullshit because these were not simply (daily) lies of omission with him, unable to utter the words “I am unhappy,” no, these were daily crafted deceptions and future faking from him right up until he poofed on me.

And still I was yelled at that I needed to ‘OWN MY PART’ in the destruction of it all. This came from the 50YO man-baby asshat who hasn’t spent a single moment in a counselor’s chair while I have had extensive therapy to understand this. The lying, cheating, cowardly fucker who abandoned me while I was away on a business trip, sending me an e-mail as the only word to me that my 28 year marriage was over, has decided that I had some part to own in his massive deception and yellow bellied and cruel departure.

As Luziana said, he had the gall to tell me that I deserved it.

Nope.

Fearful&loathing
Fearful&loathing
4 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

I think it’s really the only way they can live with themselves. Cheaters have to have a narrative, that they truly believe, that shows how awful and unhappy we were making them. No matter if the evidence points to the contrary.

Mine future faked up until a week before d day. Saying how happy I made him, how he still wanted to grow old together, and I was “the love of his life”.

5 days later(!) I find evidence of affair and confront him. Suddenly he’s “been unhappy for years, but just didn’t realize it”, but I (stupid unobservant wife appliance) “should have known”.

CC
CC
4 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

I was yelled at by the OW to “Own my part” in the failure of my marriage. According to her, Ex has admitted his faults in the marriage. I would love to know what those are because he has never admitted them to me. I however have gone to extensive therapy. I own my part. I understand more than he ever will about what happened in our marriage.

NeverTrustAgain
NeverTrustAgain
4 years ago
Reply to  CC

I have read a lot about “owning my part” and yes I think about that a lot. There is no mention (that I have seen) about a sexual component. Is this what is meant by “meeting my needs?” It’s a known fact that most post menopausal women have a lower libido, and so I didn’t initiate sex. He tells me after multiple cheating incidents that he needed to be “desired,” and that there was “passion missing in our relationship,” and that he was tired of always initiating. Almost offended that I wasn’t approaching him. He tells me that he found women that “wanted” him, and that excited him. When I point out that they will say anything to get into his wallet, he just shuts down and says it was an arrangment that worked well for him. I asked him how on earth he could be offended by my lowered libido, but not offended by “bring a rent check with you when you come to fuck me.” He just acts stupid when I ask this, and I never get an answer. I’M SO FRUSTRATED BY THIS I CAN HARDLY STAND IT!

KarenE
KarenE
4 years ago

NeverTrust, it’s hard for you to understand, because you are a reasonable, caring human being.

In his mind, every relationship is transactional. I give this, I get that. He ‘gave’ what he thought he was supposed to, in his relationship with you (not a lot, I’m betting. The entitlement is real!). But you stopped ‘giving’ what he expected; the adoration of the early relationship, plus the spontaneous desire for sex that came naturally to you at the time. It wasn’t about your relationship, about love and caring and history together, never mind about honesty and communication.

The sex workers fulfilled their part of the bargain. That’s all that he was interested in, with them. But you need to understand that that was ALSO all he was interested in, with you. This painful reality is there to be seen, in his behaviour.

Finding Peace
Finding Peace
4 years ago
Reply to  CC

I got the same thing “Own your part in the demise of the marriage!” No Apology, I don’t even want one.

I have owned my part – I expected way to little from him. I did way more than my fair share of household work, earning money and childcare duties. I tolerated way to much of his lazy, selfish, lying, cheating and BS! I am at fault for being kindhearted and innocent in believing he would do the same for me. I didn’t see the red flags because I look for the best in people. I own my part- Never Again will I believe a word out of his shit spewing mouth.

Faithful
Faithful
4 years ago
Reply to  Finding Peace

Ditto.

KarenE
KarenE
4 years ago
Reply to  Finding Peace

Yes, yes, yes, THIS!!!!

susan devlin
susan devlin
4 years ago

My ex,
Leaving the door said I love you, then went to crackhouse with prostitutes.
Said, its your fault I take drugs
He said, she’s a slag. It meant nothing, it was only once,
YOU SHOULD HAVE GOT OVER IT IN TWO WEEKS
Capital letters for not realising early enough he’s a moron
Apparently according to him she goes with all men
IF SHE’S STALKING YOU IT’S YOUR PROBLEM NOT MINE
He did actually say the comments in capitals letters and the rest.
He actually apologised, I think I’m supposed to be grateful, but I’m not.

Shelly
Shelly
4 years ago

It was always just regret that he got caught. After I engineered a way for Schmoopie’s husband to find out, which, in hindsight, was a very genteel approach, and he was upset with me, I knew it was hopeless. His loyalty to her lasted beyond their breakup and his charade of an attempt at reconciliation with me. I should have known after trying out two other therapists who had his number, and his insistence that we try another, that he was looking for a patsy. We found the Homecoming Wueen of the RIC and he put on his best act during our year and a half of therapy. Talk about ‘triangulation’! Either she was fooled, or she was tickled to have such a mess of a man to work with. But a sincere apology NEVER came. As the months went on, I knew it was over. Predictably, he was back at it, at least online, and I was giddily relieved to take a stand. I had changed in those three years. My grown kids supported my decision and I kicked him out. Even now, six months after our divorce was final, he still tells himself a big fairy tale.
People!!! This man is 63 years old with 3 fabulous grown children. They think he’s behaving like an eighteen year old. If THAT doesn’t wake you up, what will?

I’ve analyzed the living daylights out of my issues. Now, I can proudly say that ‘I own my own shit!’ It’s freeing.

time4achange
time4achange
4 years ago

Well, my list of fake apologies could go on forever. I’m sorry you feel bad about what I did. I’m sorry, but it was clear we had problems in our marriage, I’m sorry you are hurting so much because I stayed in the affair while we were in counseling for three months trying to work it out, I’m sorry but when you would come home from being on the road I felt like all you wanted was to have sex, I’m sorry, but I just liked the attention, I’m sorry I don’t know why I did it, can’t you just let it go and fake it until we make it………

WTF!! I’ve said it before. Don’t give in to the RIC. I wasted two years thinking I could make it work and smooth things over. I turned into someone I did not know or recognize. Don’t think the circular equation can be figured out. It’s an endless cycle of finding out more lies, hearing more fake apologies and then finding out more lies and the cycle goes on and on and on and on. Save yourself and move on with NO CONTACT as soon as possible.

Zoeispissed
Zoeispissed
4 years ago
Reply to  time4achange

My apologies we so similar. But they all led back to the fact that it was actually my fault and that I practically drove him into their (multiple APs) arms.
The only “I’m sorry” I believe from him is that he is sorry he was caught.
I stayed for about 4 months and then packed it up. His remorse was so fake. His flirting with other women was still real.

Tall One
Tall One
4 years ago

I’ve shared this before:

I did get one, and at the time I was like, “WTF…?”

“I tried” she told me.

I think she couldn’t have done better; I think really did try. And boy, did she fail. It hurt to hear that excuse, but I see it now as her most honest moment.

MissBailey
MissBailey
4 years ago

“I will concede to cheating but not with who you think.” Which means it was probably worse than I thought or suspected. Fucker.

Wobble
Wobble
4 years ago
Reply to  MissBailey

Ew. This strikes me as particularly evil MissBailey.

This statement manipulates you into self torture by forcing you to imagine the worst, while somehow also inferring that it was soooo easy to deceive you and lie to you.

Gross gross. What a mind fucker.

iwillsurvivethis2018
iwillsurvivethis2018
4 years ago

My ex’s first reaction to being found out was to tell me to just get a divorce rather than come clean much less apologize. A week later he came clean and asked to reconcile. I got one I’m sorry you’re hurting about a week after d-day. Then once he realized he needed to be accountable and transparent- he rattled off all the reasons he was justified in cheating. I told him I’m done I want a divorce. The next closest thing I got was a “I don’t want this”- when he realized I was serious about sending in the financial paperwork for the divorce. I said I’m sorry but I can’t ignore a five year affair – I’m done. I’m convinced the only thing he didn’t want was me taking 1/2 his retirement. Once he realized I was going thru with the divorce and intended to make sure my son and I were taken care of- well he became the man from hell. A year and 1/2 later – he still says he was justified. Not holding my breath from an apology EVER! and that’s fine- he’s a disordered person and all I can do is pray for him for my son’s sake.

time4achange
time4achange
4 years ago

Oh my gosh, same thing. We were married 23 years and I found out about the 9 month affair (subsequently discovered more). Once I finally got to filing for real and moving forward her true nature came out. The amount of money she wanted for spousal support was insane. In mediation she actually said “I’ve become accustomed to a certain lifestyle and it would be unfair for me to try and live different after all I did for the family”!!!!

weddingbelle
weddingbelle
4 years ago
Reply to  time4achange

Mine received a significant settlement from an accident. Chumpy me thought he’d put it aside for our son’s college education. When it came time for college 2 years later and there was no money he said he was mad at me because he was unhappy so he pissed it away!

iwillsurvivethis2018
iwillsurvivethis2018
4 years ago
Reply to  time4achange

Time4achange, he still acts like the victim. I recently came to the realization that I can’t hold on to his victim baggage just cause he’s angry that there were consequences to his actions. I should have known the minute he said he wanted a divorce right away, when he got found out. I never ever got an “I’m sorry I cheated , you did not deserve it”- for me that’s the only acceptable apology when someone cheats. Plain and simple!

time4achange
time4achange
4 years ago

Wow, exactly the same. She tells the kids that I’m the one who tore the family apart because I filed for divorce. I could go on and on how she paints this picture that I’m the one in the wrong because she decided to fuck other men, lie to me and steal money. She had set up a secret bank account, P.O. Box, cell phone. Her rationale was she was scared that I would divorce her and leave her with nothing if I found out about her affiairs so she had to protect herself!!!! How is that for Narcissist logic?!?!

Shell-shocked-chump
Shell-shocked-chump
4 years ago
Reply to  time4achange

Good grief – that’s vomit inducing!

Luziana
Luziana
4 years ago

‘I am sorry that your behavior destroyed my good feelings for you.’

‘Which behavior? Busting my ass for your daughter and you? Running your daughter to the orthodontist while you take your howorker to lunch because you can’t be arsed? Working 50 hours a week and still cooking meals from scratch every night? Making it possible for you to only contribute 300 dollars a month to the household so your monthly pure spending budget is over two grand while I have little to nothing? Never making a peep of complaint about any of these things until YOU suggest I’m ‘negative’ and the Sluterus is a ray of Sunshine? ???’

(Dead Stare)

‘No really, which behavior?’

‘I just want to feel loved’

‘I have no control how you feel, but nobody’s EVER shown you love more than me. You don’t want to be loved, you want to be worshipped.’

Narrator: The ‘behavior’ would not be identified. Cold Slab O’ Meat would lose fulltime custody of his daughter due to neglect and drama with the Sluterus, who was not, in fact, a Ray of Sunshine. They would engage a third Sugar Mama in a three year dance of Child Custody and Support Drama over the Adultery Baby conceived while married to me, whom they chose to name after a Wheel of Cheese. Sugar Mama would eventually ask Cold Slab O’Meat to leave. I found Tuesday. Now they are stuck together because no one else wants their Free Love Bonobo Monkey Asses. Their ain’t no Sunshine, just creditor lawsuits.

Cheater Narrator: Our Love Was Meant to Be.

Attie
Attie
4 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Oh God, fancy having a daughter named gorgonzola

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
4 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

“Adultery Baby named after a wheel of cheese” I’m guessing Brie and I bet they didn’t even spell it correctly (Bree). My apologies to a delicious cheese

Martha
Martha
4 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Please tell us the name! Colby? Brie? Monterey Jack? Goat? Feta? 🙂

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
4 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Named after a Wheel of Cheese? Poor kid: assholes for parents isn’t enough!?

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
4 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Hi Luziana????????????. Great to hear from you! I always love your insights and I find your humor so healing????????????

Shell-shocked-chump
Shell-shocked-chump
4 years ago

ILYBINILWY, she’s always been “the one”.
I’m sorry how all this happened.

He expected me to nod my head to agree that this was all some happy accident and fate corrected the error; not to worry though, because he still loves me. And oh, by the way… in all our 29 years together I was simply never his “one”, but rather a lower being he settled for since “she” wasn’t available at the time. Be happy I had even that time together with him.
All that lying, cheating and devaluation… that was just his way of letting me down easy. I was supposed to realize that he is still that ‘nice guy’ everyone loves (don’t be such a bitter bitch).

I kicked his ass out that same day.

Elderly Chump
Elderly Chump
4 years ago

Someone said this phrase from an old song to me the other day about my situation:

‘You are an angel flying to low’

Took me awhile to get it because to my old mind set the X was the knight in shining armor and it was my privilege to even be in his presence! I really was flying way, way too low.

But now I know I have wings! YOU do too!

Alana
Alana
4 years ago

Shell-shocked

After 29 years he told you that you were a consolation prize?
Such an ass….
I hope you don’t believe in such a bs…. it makes me cringe even reading that… just remember, memorize and remember – being a loving supporting wife, living your life based on high moral standards and practicing good values- makes you an amazing partner.
They have to lie to themselves to justify their horrible character and by blameshifting it on you ( oh my… you were not “ the one”… wtf? Is he a 13 years old teenage girl, looking for “ the one”- with butterflies and other nonsense???) so it’s easier to swallow the crap…
Love is based on respect, honesty, stability and support.

Keep your head up ????- you are the ???? here.

Shell-shocked-chump
Shell-shocked-chump
4 years ago
Reply to  Alana

Getting to a good place more so each day. Thank you for your words of support!
Why is it so much easier to believe in the bad stuff as opposed to the good?
Gotta work on that!
Enjoy the weekend!

Langele
Langele
4 years ago

“I kicked his ass out that same day.”

Mighty.

Shell-shocked-chump
Shell-shocked-chump
4 years ago
Reply to  Langele

Didn’t feel like it at the time…. You and CN helped me through the worst of it, and I can’t imagine what state I’d be in on my own.
Thank you!

Martha
Martha
4 years ago

Well, you are SUPER MIGHTY, Shell-shocked-chumped!!! When I caught my XH out on a date, that same night I told him I was done. Took off my rings and put them in his hand and told him to give them to his whore. I was devastated and soooo angry! I wish I would have kicked him out that night! But stupid me went to the pastor the next day and that lead to me losing the upper hand. And continued the Pick Me Dance and being chumpy. I wish I would have been like you! When and if you are ever feeling low. Remind yourself of kicking him out that same day!!! That took strength and courage! Be proud of yourself. You rock!

Shell-shocked-chump
Shell-shocked-chump
4 years ago
Reply to  Martha

(((Hugs)))

So Done
So Done
4 years ago

“I’m sorry if I hurt you.” IF he hurt me. As though there is any question as to whether he hurt me by cheating. Then, always followed by, “But you have to accept some responsibility for the issues in our marriage too.”

Even just typing this reminds me HOW HAPPY I AM TO BE FREE OF HIS ENDLESS MINDF@&#.

Gany
Gany
4 years ago
Reply to  So Done

So done

“ but you have to accept responsibility”
Yes I did. I was an honest supporting and loving wife from the start. That was my contribution.
You were lying cheating husband. That was your contribution.
My responsibility now is to keep my healthy ways not to babysit you.

“ couple counseling?”

We don’t have an issue as a couple.
Cheating lying and betraying your wife is the issue here. No marriage therapy,sorry.

So Done
So Done
4 years ago
Reply to  Gany

Gany,
Exactly! But in my STBX’s warped world view, I think he honestly believes that I bear some responsibility for his cheating. Which is why No Contact is the only way to go. Trying to reason with these psychos (as I did for years) is 100% pointless. They will NEVER get it because they are disordered.

Elderly Chump
Elderly Chump
4 years ago
Reply to  So Done

What was crazier for me in the beginning was that I believed that I was responsible – I had been so brainwashed for so long that everything about our life/relationship was my fault so why not the cheating too – over 3 decades of being responsible

What a huge relief when it dawned on me months later that NONE of it was my responsibility since our entire marriage had been based on his cheating from the get go which I hadn’t know about or suspected.

I have spent hours reading about disordered people, narcissist and sociopaths and he fits a part of every one of those definitions. No way am I responsible for that. He done did it to himself.

Rebecca
Rebecca
4 years ago
Reply to  So Done

His infidelity will live with me forever. The trauma is so deep and so profound.
I have a great life, amazing kids, wonderful friends, a sweet puppy and more blessings than I could list. I am content even though I miss what I thought was a partner.
I am a survivor and at peace because I can live a good life and carry the pain at the same time.

Persephone
Persephone
4 years ago
Reply to  Gany

Awesome!

Really, expecting to take responsibility for somebody else f…ING around … too much. If I could compel somebody to do something I’d compel a guy to shower me with diamonds.

WaitingforTuesday
WaitingforTuesday
4 years ago
Reply to  So Done

Ahhhh, I got that too, even before I knew for sure that he was cheating, he was telling me that I had to take responsibility for issues in our marriage (his number one issue with me was that I liked to buy organic food), which I didn’t know we were having, but he couldn’t trust me anymore because I had had thoughts of wanting to stay home with our two young children…

SupineChump
SupineChump
4 years ago
Reply to  So Done

My ex kept saying that too! “I know you want to act like this is all my fault, but you have to accept some responsibility.” My favorite was “Affairs don’t happen in a vacuum.” No shit.

Chumpachump
Chumpachump
4 years ago

‘I’m sorry I broke your trust but I’ve been very unhappy for a long time. You should have known I hated our life together.’

It is his refusal to apologize to our daughter that has really caused him problems, though.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
4 years ago
Reply to  Chumpachump

Chumpachump… were we married to the same evil bastard? X told me AND OUR KIDS that he HATED every minute of the last “10 years!” When our 10 year old cried that that was her whole life he yelled, “well I HATED it.” He gave up all custody and sees these wonderful children less than 5 hours a month for superficial meals and shopping. I wish that I could get a redo in life for their sakes. I will never forgive him for literally destroying them— after that, two of them became very suicidal … the aftermath has been beyond horrifying….

Chumpachump
Chumpachump
4 years ago

I’m pretty sure my cheater thought that if HE hated me than his child would surely hate me too. Boy was he wrong. He hasn’t seen her for a year and a half. That was my daughter’s choice.

Shell-shocked-chump
Shell-shocked-chump
4 years ago

@Motherchumper
There are no words.
That’s heartbreaking.
I feel sick.
How does your X live with himself?!?!?!
Hugs to you and your children.

Ella
Ella
4 years ago

Motherchumper

There should be a special place in hell for ur ex.
Breaking your heart is one thing, but doing it to innocent children- such a fucked up, horrible human being.
I hope he will pay for that one day

ClearView
ClearView
4 years ago
Reply to  Ella

Motherchump99, I am so, so sorry, you and your children were subjected to that utter disregard and abuse. Be the sane, steady, loving parent. Care for yourself with a healthy support system. Sending all love and healing to you and yours.

Martha
Martha
4 years ago
Reply to  Ella

I was going to say the same thing — special place in hell for parents who hurt their children like this.

I will never ever forgive my XH for all the things he said to our kids and for being a cold, sociopathic robot while they were sobbing uncontrollably. One of the things he said was that he hadn’t been happy the last ten years. Well, that’s gaslighting and rewriting history to our kids. My son said while crying, “You and mom always looked so happy and loving towards each other. You never fought.” His dad didn’t say a thing. I said, “Well, I guess your dad was faking it.” XH later said to me that he “didn’t like” that I said he was faking it. Well, pick one asshole!!! Either you were faking it or you were happy. You can’t be both!!!

Things my “Christian” XH taught my kids:

1.) Your “Christian” husband/wife can walk out on you at anytime.
2.) Vows to God and spouse mean nothing.
3.) The only thing that matters in life is your happiness.
4.) God doesn’t care if you are a pathological liar and serial adulterer. God only cares about your happiness.
5.) Other Christians don’t care about adultery. They only care that the person who got cheated on forgives and doesn’t become bitter.
6.) The pastor/church only loves. Doesn’t judge. Judging is so Old Testament.

My son has said many times to me since he was 15 (he’s now almost 20). “I’m never getting married.” He said, “Why bother.” He said this after watching how his dad blew-up his intact, loving, wonderful family. Son said, “Why bother.” I couldn’t agree more! Why bother when people who say they are followers of JC act like the Satan himself!

dldr
dldr
4 years ago
Reply to  Martha

@ Motherchumper, my ex says mind raping things to my children too. The latest is that he was so miserable that he had a tree picked out on his way to work to run the car into so his death would look like an accident and they wouldn’t burden them with his suicide. He cheated, i let him go, i don’t bother him and 2 1/2 years from dday and almost (july) a year divorced and he still rails against me. Your son’s words have me in tears at my desk. Children don’t deserve any of this crap

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
4 years ago
Reply to  dldr

I knew a sad sausage nicknamed Judas Jack (a Jesus cheater) who would jokingly threaten to take his trawler boat (financed by his adult son) out in the bay and light it on fire. Nothing like threatening to kill himself to get attention from his adult daughter.

Fled that circus.

Sausalito
Sausalito
4 years ago

Still waiting for a direct apology after six years. Just kidding about the waiting part; I know it will never come because in his mind, he was justified in cheating. After a year of marriage counseling, I got “well, maybe the affair was a mistake.” After we separated, I got a text saying “I’m sorry that things haven’t worked out between us.” The only time the words “I’m sorry” were ever used.

EstellaO
EstellaO
4 years ago

I got lots of tearful outbursts, “…but I LOVE YOU…..” and “I’m so sorry”s galore–but they were always along the lines of: I am so sorry I’m a mess–why won’t you take care of me anymore? How can you be so cruel when I’m the victim here?

After I kicked him out of the house, he replaced his wedding ring with a ring that had the semicolon symbol on it (for mental illness/mental health awareness)–and I thought that summed things up well: I love my messed up life/I love messing up my life, more than anyone or anything else (including, apparently, our son).

What I didn’t get was any empathy or any honesty. No full accounting of what was going on, no taking responsibility, no honesty with our son or friends or his family. He’s just moved right on to the next mark.

Whew! So so so so glad to be out of that thicket of crazy!

Langele
Langele
4 years ago
Reply to  EstellaO

“He’s just moved right on to the next mark.”

In a nutshell.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
4 years ago

My ex never apologized for anything ever while we were married. I was the one who did all of the apologizing every time he had a complaint. Any time I tried to call him out on his bad behavior I still ended up being the one to apologize in the end. A few months after DDay I did get “I’m sorry I didn’t ask for marriage counseling five years ago “i.e. I am sorry I didn’t try to fix you first before going shopping for your replacement”. Apology not accepted.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
4 years ago

On dday, after I assisted in throwing his crap into garbage bags, tossing said bags into the garage, I left the house. Upon my return I saw that he wrote on the chalkboard in the kitchen, “I’m sooooooo sorry.” Yeah, yeah, that makes it all better! Idiot!
Then, a year or so ago, he sees my neighbor in the grocery store and tells her “I feel like an asshole for doing NMSB wrong.” Yep, still an idiot!

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
4 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

Oh, yeah, how could I forget this recent one. A month ago I had to email. It was very business-like. He answered the question, then……wait for it!……”I’m sooooooo sorry.” Yes, yes, STILL and idiot.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
4 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

*an

Dan
Dan
4 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

Speaking of idiots, how’s this one:
Four months after I had last seen her, my fiancé (a junior at MSU) and her parents drove to my USA duty station in Alabama to visit me over Spring Break. Her and I went to dinner that first evening where she announced, much to my consternation, that she was pregnant. Strangely, there was no tummy bump to prove it. We talked the rest of the evening about how best to break the news to our parents, the date we should settle on for the wedding, etc. It wasn’t the fun date I had anticipated. When she departed to return to school, I asked her to give me the name and number of her OBGYN so I could stay in the loop – she agreed to provide it……but never did. She knew I had her then….she was only two months pregnant and she knew I would find out from her Dr. Finally she wrote to spill the beans – it wasn’t my baby – and she was so-o-o-o sorry. She just couldn’t stand to see me suffer through the ordeal without knowing the truth. She asked me to continue writing to her (WTF!) because she couldn’t stand to be without me, and…blah, blah, blah…I wadded up the paper and trashed it without finishing it. Who does that?!!

Kintsugi
Kintsugi
4 years ago

I got “Don’t make me hate you.”
To which I said, “Challenge accepted, fucker.”

Easiest damn accomplishment of my life.

KAF
KAF
4 years ago

“I apologize for the parts of this that were my fault” uggh.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
4 years ago
Reply to  KAF

You should smack his mother for giving birth to this loser!

Langele
Langele
4 years ago
Reply to  KAF

All the parts make the whole,
Asswhole.

KAF
KAF
4 years ago
Reply to  Langele

Yep – he screwed around with my daughters 21yr old babysitter in my house multiple times, had dinner with me and our kids almost nightly but he’s only going to apologize for his part…I guess my part was being a nice person letting her live with us

Kale
Kale
4 years ago
Reply to  KAF

Hope you kicked her out.

KAF
KAF
4 years ago
Reply to  Kale

I wish. He refused to leave or make her leave and kept bringing her into our house – with me and the kids there. When I confronted him he said verbatim “I pay the majority of the mortgage. I say she stays. F*** off and go back to your room.” I called an attorney I had met and told him him what he said. The next week we filed a restraining order keeping him from bringing her into the house. I won easily. He still brings up how horrible I was kicking her out to the street (and telling the kids that I did that as well)

KarenE
KarenE
4 years ago
Reply to  KAF

I hope your kids know WHY you did that! No matter how old they are.

paula
paula
4 years ago

At 2:am just three weeks past d-day I was sitting numbly on our couch, staring mindlessly at the TV. You all know those first horrible weeks – the crushing confusion, searing sorrow and the physical pain. My ex came to the living room and knelt beside me and asked what I needed. I took his hand and pressed it against my heart and begged him to stop the bleeding. I told him he’d ripped out my heart and that I not only couldn’t bear the vast empty hollow but that I was hemorrhaging every good thing. He looked me in the eye and swore that he would keep his hand on my heart the rest of our days.

That night when he come home from the office (after spending the day with co-worker OW) he sat in our driveway for an hour texting with her while I waited inside for him to put his hand back on my heart.

I knew then that I would need to stop the bleeding on my own.

Joyful news is that I did!

unicornomore
unicornomore
4 years ago
Reply to  paula

Paula,

When I was in that same stage, my Cheater had his big military retirement ceremony and he could see I was so upset and didnt want me to embarrass him/cause a scene so just before the ceremony, he did one of those same “were going to make it through this” kind, ostensibly loving moments throwing me a whole basket of crumbs so that I would behave in front of his extended family and friends.

His OW was in the second row with a fake date. He was back to full-on nasty mode as soon as his event was over. He ripped my heart out and stomped on it with that maneuver. It got worse from there. I have a new life now and cant remember what that pain felt like anymore. Even if my new husband left me, I dont think that anything could ever hurt like the father of my children betraying me like he did.

Involuntary Georgian
Involuntary Georgian
4 years ago
Reply to  paula

I know we’re not professional writers here, but I keep running across posts like yours that make me think that there’s more raw honesty and emotion on this site than in just about any book I’ve read recently. If I were going to try to put together a novel about the trials and tribulations of marriage I would come here first to find the real language of heartbreak and betrayal.

Happily Free
Happily Free
4 years ago

Involuntary Georgian, I thought of how to lose a guy in 10 days was transformed into a movie and thought the same thing about this site and CL’s book. In a world where cheating gets rationalized and normalized, I’d love to see this movie played out. I believe it would empower people who put up with it too long. Putting the pressure and the blame where it belongs is a tale worth telling to say the least.

Fearful&loathing
Fearful&loathing
4 years ago
Reply to  paula

❤️

violet
violet
4 years ago
Reply to  paula

It has been years since the troubles, but reading your post brought back those first terrible days. It felt as if someone had died. The grief, the pain, the anger, the not knowing how X’s infidelity was going to impact my children. One of my friends told me to “just keep putting one foot in front of the other” and that is what I did for a very long time. I have since recovered, and I would never, ever want to go back to my “old” life. Still. the sting of that initial discovery remains. Cheaters suck.

I wish you much strength and support as you continue on the journey that no one would willingly undertake.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
4 years ago
Reply to  paula

Paula, that broke my heart. I am glad to hear you have stopped the bleeding. (hugs)

UXworld
UXworld
4 years ago

Oh man — the lay-up of all lay-ups for me.

One year after DDay, and a mere five days after the divorce was finalized, she sent me a masterpiece of attempted manipulation via OFW, which began with this false apology:

“First, I am sorry. I am sorry that we promised ‘forever’ to each other when we had no concept of what ‘forever’ meant. If there is fault in that promise, we both have that burden -— how can we blame each other for what we could never have possibly understood then? We were naive, we were clueless, we were still growing when we made our vows. We did not know that we would grow apart.”

If you’re interested in the whole thing, along with my UBT of it:

https://www.chumplady.com/2018/05/uxworld-ubts-a-letter-from-kk/

Kbchump
Kbchump
4 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Oh my lord, that was a real letter from her??? Your UBT was spot on. My ex wife cheated and bailed out after 24 years so I get your disgust 100%. Thankfully our kids were older, adults now, so I can go 100% NC. But 5 years later I’m still flabbergasted over the whole implosion.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
4 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Wow, UX! Your KK really does think she is the center of the Universe

WaitingforTuesday
WaitingforTuesday
4 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Wow, I just read that UBT, and all I can say is woooooow

Langele
Langele
4 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Throw the hell up.

Jax
Jax
4 years ago
Reply to  Langele

I almost don’t see a point here – they don’t say they’re sorry because – THEY’RE NOT SORRY! Besides saying they’re sorry blows up all their rationalizations that make it possible to look themselves in the mirror! I wouldn’t accept an apology from a diabolical scheming liar anyway!

unicornomore
unicornomore
4 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

I met Cheater when I was 18..(5 years younger than my now youngest child…point being, I was YOUNG). We were married when I was 21. I TOTALLY REJECT the “we didnt know”, “we were clueless / young/naive” thing with respect to fidelity. Sex with other people is sex with other people and it doesnt take a 40 year old to understand this stuff. Lame excuse.

unicornomore
unicornomore
4 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

If a person discovered / admitted something to themselves about their sexuality that they did not know/admit/understand when they were 21…they have the option of “Spouse, I need to tell you that I must leave this marriage. You are a decent kind person and I will be fair” <— that is within the capability of humanity.

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
4 years ago

I think he may have said something along the lines of “I’m sorry if I hurt you.” But after being told “the marriage was over anyway” followed by the most ludicrous 4 reasons I made the marriage an unhappy place to be, his apology seemed pretty lame.

Yeah I think I would vote for no apology at all. It would have been more honest but then that would have been a very tall order.

NoRainNoFlowers
NoRainNoFlowers
4 years ago

I think the qualified apology is a red flag for an entitled person of any sort. I got many of those “I’m sorry but here’s why it’s not my fault” apologies which aren’t apologies at all but just another way to keep obsessively talking about himself. It’s interesting to me that cheaters dont realize they’d be better served to just say “I’m sorry” and then shut the f*** up, rather than the way most do using their apology to blame shift.

I keep getting the “filled with remorse” speech every now and then. I don’t even bother to comment. It would be good if it were true if he’s actually living with sorrow and pain for the way he treated us, but I think it’s a self serving type of feeling as though for him to feel sorry is for him to feel like “look at me, I’m not such a bad guy. I feel sadz, too.” Sure. Whateves. How indifferent I feel about him and his “feelings” four years later is a heavenly feeling!

CC
CC
4 years ago

Not only did I never receive an apology, any uncomfortable feelings he had were deemed my fault.

When I was trying not to scare the timid cheater, I amped up the niceness, taking extra time to make him coffee in the morning. Even though I was the one who had cancer and was going through chemo treatments. He rejected my coffee saying I was trying to make him feel bad. What I wish I would have said is, maybe you feel bad because you’re a shitty person.

When I told him he broke my heart. He replied, “You broke MY heart!!”

When I mentioned how mad my dad was at him for abandoning me. He replied, “Oh yeah?! Well tell your dad I’m mad at YOU!”

Basically he’s a 5 year old. The only apologies he ever manages are “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “That wasn’t my intention”…non apologies.

KarenE
KarenE
4 years ago
Reply to  CC

Oh, yeah, CC, thanks for the reminder about the ‘you’re only good to me to make me feel bad’, and it’s cousin, ‘you’re only crying to make me feel guilty’.

I kind of oscilate between thinking this is some extremely high-level sociopathic manipulation, and thinking that they really do see things this way, and there is something SERIOUSLY wrong with their brains!

It just never seems to cross their minds that they might feel bad because they’ve DONE BAD, or might feel guilty because they are GUILTY AS HELL.

But for my ex, at least these kinds of declarations are consistent with his general understanding of the world; someone else is responsible for ANYTHING bad, whether it’s his feelings, his behaviours and choices, the consequences of his behaviours and choices, even fluke occurences.

bypass chump
bypass chump
4 years ago

Him while sobbing: “I can never tell you how sorry I am.”

Me: “What are you sorry for?”

Him: “For how this went down.”

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
4 years ago
Reply to  bypass chump

They are all sorry for “how this went down”. So was my cheater: “I never thought I would have to divide my assets”. No news there… just a reflection of how predictable cheaters “reflexions” are.

Fearful&loathing
Fearful&loathing
4 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

Mine: “I’ve never seen myself as a divorced person “. ????

Then don’t behave in a way that results in divorce.

SupineChump
SupineChump
4 years ago
Reply to  bypass chump

Wow, that’s special. What an adolescent answer.

bypass chump
bypass chump
4 years ago
Reply to  SupineChump

Yes. without even knowing him you nailed it. He’s an emotional child. In addition even that half-assed “apology” was temporary. Mostly what I got was stonewalling and lying and blameshifting. Typical.

ChumpSaidBuhBye
ChumpSaidBuhBye
4 years ago

“I’m sorry that psycho whore blew it up on social media and caused you to be hurt.”

See, it was the OWs fault I got hurt. The cheater had nothing to do with it. In fact, he’s as much of a victim as me. I was never supposed to know. Had she stayed compliant and kept their secret like he told her to, I never would have found out. That psycho whore, it’s all her fault!

I think the blameshift onto the OW/ OM for exposing the affair is a really common cheater move.

oldcrone
oldcrone
4 years ago

Yes, he was “sorry”.
What he didn’t say was what he was “sorry” about.
Was he “sorry” that he cheated on me for the entire time we were married?
Was he “sorry” that he fucked the neighborhood whore behind my back for 10 years?
Was he “sorry” that he fucked her in my house, bed and car?
Was he “sorry” that he gave her access to my phone number and email address and enough personal information for her to hurt me where I really felt it after he dumped her?
Was he “sorry” that he spent over $60K on her and her family? Not to mention the money he spent stalking fresh supply, and on porn and strip clubs?
Was he “sorry” that he spent every major holiday (including our anniversary and my birthday) cheating with the flavor-of-the-month?
Was he “sorry” that he generously gave me SIX STDS over the 42 years we were married, including while I was pregnant with two of our three kids?
Don’t know. He never elaborated.
He did make it abundantly clear that he was sorry about the consequences to HIM; being ostracized from the family, losing the house and half his retirement.
He cried buckets for himself.

Pauline Whitaker
Pauline Whitaker
4 years ago

“I’m sorry about that” is all I have ever had

UXworld
UXworld
4 years ago

Like Maxwell Smart: “Sorry about that, chief.”

StrongerThanHeEverThought
StrongerThanHeEverThought
4 years ago

I got a series of apologies through the three years we tried to reconcile. Most of them the textbook lines.
“I’m sorry I hurt you, I never thought you’d find out”, etc.

The best one though was through text message. I had gone off on him for something and told him he owed me an apology for the last 10 years of mistreatment. His response:

I’m sorry for (insert noun)

free2bme
free2bme
4 years ago

This makes me want to put the “non apology” apology letter I got 5 years post Dday and 3 years of glorious no contact in the UBT. My ex is the non repentant prodigal son! “Free2bme- our 4 kids say you’re doing well and I’m glad. Yada yada yada- l dream of holidays as a family again….it’s best for the kids. I hope to hear from you IF you can find it in your heart to forgive.”

I did not respond. Thank you CL and Chump Nation (and Dr. Simon’s book In Sheep’s clothing). I can spot a manipulative move from a disordered cheater and it’s empowering to know I see it for what it is and I get to choose now. Not going to fall for that man’s words ever again.

Chump Lady, if you need to feed the UBT to push it to its limits, let me know! I have a single spaced 1 page word letter that was ignored thanks to you!

Turbo
Turbo
4 years ago

This all sounds so familiar. No apology, no remorse, no regrets, and no empathy. 4 years later, I get a generic apology (I’m sorry for what I did).

unicornomore
unicornomore
4 years ago

“I wont apologize for falling in love”
(and later)
“this is the first time Ive ever been in love”

This was 2005….back then, these words cut me like razor blades and I just typed them without giving a single fuck.

unicornomore
unicornomore
4 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

oh and I also got “I had a bad moment” which he was supposedly referring to a 6 month affair…found out later that it was a 2 year affair on top of at least 3 others. Seems his entire adult life was a “bad moment” …sad thing is, in this respect, his whole life was a “bad moment”

Free3bme
Free3bme
4 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Mine said he was in “ a dark place” for 2 years. I’m sure it was over a dozen years- maybe the last two were “darker”.

Martha
Martha
4 years ago
Reply to  Free3bme

Mine said he was in a “lost time” when he was having an affair with a ho-worker while I was pregnant with our second child and our son was a one year old gorgeous, smart, funny, fun and a joy to be around little toddler. He was also f-ing around over ten times with 100% naked Canadian strippers at this time. Yeah, he was lost alright! He’s always been lost. From the minute I met him way back in 1988, he was lost at Fantasy Island. “Deh, plane! Deh, plane! Here comes some more cheaters, boss!”

David2016
David2016
4 years ago

This was only a few months ago, (five years past divorce, seven past D-day):

XW: “I am deeply sorry I hurt you so badly.”

Me: “Can you specify what you did that hurt me?”

XW: “I’m really busy right now; I will this weekend.”

Silence since then. I’m at the point where I can laugh. I only asked because I was curious if she really is aware of the specific horrific emotional and financial crimes she committed. I am sure she is not.

karenb6702
karenb6702
4 years ago

No apology for me either in fact he can’t wait to get out of our marriage as fast as he can .
It’s like he checked out of the marriage months ago and I never even noticed .
I’m not expecting an apology either he seems to be very very happy with his whore . As he showed me he loves her and she loves him . I am nothing but an inconvenient truth .
Tomorrow is 10 weeks since d day and he moved in with her day 1 .

KarenE
KarenE
4 years ago
Reply to  karenb6702

Mine was super happy, too, Karen! Well, until I made him actually move out and stop eating cake. Until he realized that parenting was work (on the 15% parenting time he took, in our 50-50 jurisdiction). Until he saw it was hard to parent in one city while Shmoops was in another. Until he decided to only Disney Parent couple of days a month, so he could move to live w/Shmoops instead of parenting. U