The Fallacy of ‘Unmet Needs’ and Affairs

If I could wave my magic Chump Lady wand and rid the world of one founding principle of the Reconciliation Industrial Complex, it’s that affairs happen because of “unmet needs.”

You failed, ergo they cheat?

The argument goes that cheaters cheat because they weren’t getting what they “needed” from the relationship, and so they sought out affairs to fill those “unmet needs.” Who wasn’t meeting those needs? Chumps, of course. You need to re-evaluate the relationship (with the help of the RIC) and figure out all the ways you were failing your partner, which caused them to cheat.

Cheaters are then chagrined to be less timid forest creatures and voice those unmet needs with you. Sure, cheating wasn’t  an ideal form of expression… But you know, toxic shame and your anger are a big buzzkill, so the cheaters might be less than forthcoming. It’s all a process…

Oddly, cheaters are rarely challenged about the legitimacy of their “needs” — hey, they’re UNMET and that’s the important thing!

The encouragement to blame yourself

But this unmet needs thing really hits chumps where it hurts. We reflect. And wonder about all the ways we failed to less than stellar. We have to admit that yes, we aren’t always ideal spouses. We blame ourselves and then we strive to do better to ensure that this Terrible Thing never imperils our marriage again. After all, we have to own our part.

Recently, several people have sent the Universal Bullshit Translator some of these blameshifting divorce articles to put through the bullshit thrasher. Unhappy Husband? 6 Ways to Save Yourself from an Unwanted Divorce! and 7 Reasons Your Husband Left You for His Emotional Affair Partner. (Subtext: YOU ARE NOTHING WITHOUT A HUSBAND! SUBMIT!) The latter actually goes so far as to write after each failing: “The missing link in the marriage.” And the former has helpful hints like “Take Pride in Your Appearance.”

unmet needs

Sadly, the UBT blew a transformer after reading these, and needs some alone time right now. Suffice it to say, this unmet needs business sends chumps down rabbit holes of self-recrimination. If you object to this “advice,” the argument goes something like this.

Chump: I’m not sure his hooker problem is on me.

Quack: What? So you object to taking pride in your appearance to please your partner? Look, it’s hard to admit that we’ve let ourselves go. You could stand to lose a few pounds.

Chump: Um, well yes, I could stand to lose some weight, but I just spent $300 on highlights!

Quack: You should appreciate him more. Be forgiving. Don’t nag. Don’t run him down. Be sexier.

Chump: I try to be all those things. Again, I’m not sure how that relates to his hooker habit.

Quack: So, you’re saying you have a PROBLEM with FORGIVENESS? You don’t agree with PLEASING YOUR PARTNER? You think you can just grow fat and sexless and expect that people will love you unconditionally?

Chump: I think you’re asking me to love my cheater unconditionally. He just spent $40K on sex workers.

Quack: Well, of course. He had unmet needs.

The game is rigged.

“Unmet needs” puts chumps on the defensive. Now you must go line by line down the “needs” column and defend how you did or did not meet those needs.

The game is rigged.

  • First, the cheater can always add more needs. Hey, you missed a spot. It’s a perpetual game of Whack-a-Mole.
  • Second, by going on the offensive — your failings caused their failings — it diverts attention from the cheater’s actions and the harm they caused.
  • Third, it creates a straw man argument about whether or not attractiveness, attention, and sex are important to relationships. (Of course they are.)

We don’t make people abuse us.

Every quack therapist and idiot life coach should be slapped upside the head with this 2×4 — We don’t MAKE people abuse us. 

We don’t compel them to hit us, and we don’t drive them to drink either. Cheating — which is emotionally abusive (gaslighting, blameshifting, minimizing), physically abusive (endangering a chump’s health to STDs), sexually abusive (lack of consent, sexual humiliation, engaging in conspiracies, multiple betrayals), and financially abusive (double lives cost money) — is a disproportionate offense to ANY of our very real failings.

Unhappy people who aren’t getting their needs met can SPEAK UP and they can GET THERAPY and they can LEAVE. Ethically.

Here’s my imaginary conversation with a blameshifting therapist.

CL: Your advice sucks.

Quack: My advice does not suck.

CL: I’m going to steal your wallet and charge a lot of pinecone elves to your account.

Quack: You can’t do that!

CL: But hey, your advice REALLY SUCKED. Let’s examine the ways you contributed to my unhappiness, which made me steal your wallet and buy pinecone elves.

Quack: YOU SHOULDN’T STEAL MY WALLET! That’s WRONG!

CL: It’s hard to admit that your advice sucks, isn’t it? I think you should own your part.

Pay attention to the battleground.

See what I did there? I diverted attention from my unethical, disproportionate action (stealing a wallet) on to my specious reasons for committing the offense (I wasn’t happy).

So, I made the battleground the shrink’s lousy advice and not my bad actions.

I imagine that a shrink would feel rightfully insulted and find such blameshifting absurd — and yet marriage counselors do this every day — they go down $150/hour rabbit holes with their clients on what was so bad about the relationship that one partner felt the need to go elsewhere.

I can hear shrinks object, Oh no! Just because I examine their thinking doesn’t mean I condone it!

Bullshit.

Then why is the victim of abuse in the room?

At best, discussing a cheater’s perceived “unmet needs” muddies the waters. Hey, the chump had unmet needs too and wasn’t blowing their boss.

But what these conversations really do is reinforce and legitimize the idea that abuse is justified. And victims can protect themselves through self-improvement voodoo.

Stealing wallets is wrong. The proper response to a stollen wallet is calling the police. I can explain my unhappiness to a judge.

Cheating on your partner is abusive. The proper response is solo therapy to work on my deep entitlement issues. I’m not a safe partner. And my recovery (assuming I even want such a thing) should not be contingent on what my partner does or does not do.

I have an unmet need for better infidelity advice in the therapy world.

Subscribe
Notify of

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

465 Comments
Oldest
Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago

Damn, you’re brilliant. 🙂

FSTL
FSTL
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

There is so much Fuckedupedness in Marriage Counselling following an affair.

My asshole ex must have said “I cheated because my needs weren’t being met” about a dozen times after the therapist said it. She had never said it before…. but it was clearly a license to cheat in her mind, adding that our communication was terrible, so must also have contributed (ie bad communications makes someone abuse you and mistreat you).

Of course, what they NEVER explain is why the chump (who almost certainly wasn’t having their needs met) also didn’t cheat. And it also invites the cheater to reinvent history (as mine did – eg saying it was sexless, despite me running through endless sexual encouters we had had).

Brilliant commentary by CL, but has really made me angry again just thinking about it !!!!

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  FSTL

Our MC said that marriages on a 6-7 our of 10 satisfaction scale don’t cheat, marriages on a 1-3 scale do. Suddenly that made is straying ok because our marriage must have been a 2. I told him that the marriage was a 2 for me also, but I didn’t cheat.

And yeah, it was annoying hearing him talk as if we had no sex life. Ok, so was that your clone I was making love to all of those years, and couldn’t you have at least left me the clone when you discarded me for Schmoopie?

Jayne
Jayne
6 years ago

Hi Chumpinrecovery. I wonder how that MC could have held on to his 1-3 scale theory had he been counselling me and ‘The Great I Am’. He waxed lyrical, on a daily basis (and I’m not even exaggerating there) about how much he loved me, how lucky he was to have me, how great our marriage was, how he felt he’d won the lottery in having me (A particularly mindblowing mindfuck when D Day happened, believe me! I’m leery of getting involved with anyone ever again because of it). The one single credit I can give ‘The Great I Am’ is he never once tried to blame his cheating on me – nor did he ever try the ‘Unmet Needs’ bullshit. I adored him and he professed, to everyone – not just me, that he adored me. He made a huge speech at our wedding about how wonderful I was, how perfectly I met his needs, how understanding and tolerant I was of his idiosyncrasies – even alluded to our mindblowing sex life. Three months later he was chasing Schmoopie! Go figure – cos I certainly can’t!

spiritwoman
spiritwoman
6 years ago
Reply to  Jayne

I got the same Jayne, xh was still saying after dday that I was his “best friend, great wife and we have a wonderful relationship”. He never blamed me nor picked out any faults of mine to explain his cheating. He simply said he had NEVER been in love with me, and now he had found his soulmate after 20yrs married. So soon as he found his soulmate he realized he had been unhappy all those years. It is a total mindfuck when you’re trying to do the pickme dance in competition with a fantasy. OH, and the sex was great just about everyday(we didn’t have kids) and it just pisses me off that some people say “well if you had been taking care of him…”

Onemoreday
Onemoreday
6 years ago
Reply to  spiritwoman

Oh! Oh! My story! 10 years, suddenly he didn’t love me and had NEVER loved me! That’s what I could never forgive – rewriting the narrative of our life together. The most exciting years of building our marriage and home, bringing each child into our family, all the traditions we started, and every day telling me he loved me. But, wait. No he didn’t! Every single day was a lie! Every single child we brought into this world was brought into this world based on a lie.

The affair, which was deeply emotional, I could have forgiven. It’s the lies, secrets, gaslighting, blame shifting, etc. that ruined what could have been saved.

You didn’t love me but told me you did to marry me? You ruined my chance at a living marriage because you lied to me? Oh! You didn’t KNOW you didn’t love me because you didn’t recognize love until you met Siren? Yet Siren has NOTHING to do with our marriage. What unmet needs? Be SPECIFIC. I mean BE SPECIFIC BEFORE chasing your Siren.

Idiot,

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
6 years ago
Reply to  Onemoreday

I got that same line; “I’ve never loved you”. I told him “So you’ve lied for more than 20 years, or you’re lying now. Either way you’re a liar”. And he walked out.

Jayne
Jayne
6 years ago
Reply to  spiritwoman

Oh spiritwoman – what a particularly shit thing to do – to have denied all those years of his self-professed love for you. Just too cruel and evil. ‘The Great I Am’ insisted his cheating didn’t change his love for me – had nothing to do with it (some strange concept of love – as we know) but I still can’t believe I’ll ever have the faith to trust in love again. I’ll bet you must feel the same way.

As for people saying ‘well if you had been taking care of him ….’ I’m fortunate in that no one has even dared suggest it, whether they’ve thought it and not dared to suffer the WRATH OF JAYNE … well, I wouldn’t know, but if they did/do think it – they’ve probably been very wise not to try it on with me! 😮 x

Dragonlady
Dragonlady
6 years ago
Reply to  Jayne

I’ miss still getting the he “Loves” me so much, we just can’t be together!!! He tells our kids everyone. I’m like when you do what you’ve done to me that’s not love!!

Hell I don’t want anything to do with that sort of Fucked up cersion of love. And now I’ve breached his trust because I’ve told people about what’s happened and that is “defamation” and now his reputation is ruined. Hello you told me that you didn’t care!!! That’s right he was all bring it on. Like he was untouchable, the great entitled one.
Well now that sand castles come down with the high tide he’s all sadz Boo Hoo.

Spiritwoman
Spiritwoman
6 years ago
Reply to  Jayne

Jayne, the truth is it is cruel, and sometimes people don’t understand, hell I don’t pretend to either. What’s worse is trying to figure out how someone could say such things, even if it is in their head, which would hurt someone so deeply. I mean couldn’t he have had a bit of tact, a tiny trace of empathy for destroying me, as I was so happy and truly content before BD I would have spent my whole life with him. I read how so many cheaters throw the bomb at horrible times like on the betrayed’s birthday, or just after anniversary, maybe at a major holiday.

Mine came on a morning just after we had made love, (or so I thought) as I was still laying with my head on his shoulder with his arms around me. What a piss ass way to tell your wife, in fact, I remember every detail the date, time, weather, his exact words. It taints your memories and makes you doubt everything about the marriage all the way back to the beginning.

Perhaps I still think he was a great husband and I did think he was my best friend, up until that morning if anyone had told me, (except Jesus), I wouldn’t have believed them. It about kills me that he chose to leave me for a Thai woman he met online, never met in person, and had only been talking to for a few weeks. She couldn’t speak English, came from another culture and had a different religion. Shows that I never really meant much to him, that he couldn’t have been bonded to me very much, all our experiences together weren’t worthy of even trying.

Anita
Anita
6 years ago
Reply to  Spiritwoman

Spiritwoman, what a sick loser freak your ex is. He really isn’t normal.

The Ex-orcist
The Ex-orcist
6 years ago

ClusterFuck B Sociopath to me justifying his brutal revenge “you didn’t hang up pictures.”
WTF.
My bad???

FT
FT
6 years ago
Reply to  The Ex-orcist

I didn’t paint my toenails enough.

Meh!

Life is so much better without the financial abuse, the gas-lighting, the blame shifting, and the pathological lies.

Dragonlady
Dragonlady
6 years ago
Reply to  The Ex-orcist

Oh my gosh you got that to.
Add to the list;
You didn’t come camping to the cliffs with me.
You didn’t listen.
You didn’t create a space for me in the house.
And the best one of all…
You didn’t shave your pussy!!!

And there is more I’m sure but I shut that conversation down big time.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
6 years ago
Reply to  Dragonlady

Dragonlady,

Didn’t shave your p*ssy ?! I’m sorry… what is appealing about one’s partner looking like a prepubescent between the legs ?! Wash (with soap and warm water), trim the bush and be done with it. Look what our pornified culture has done.

rockette
rockette
6 years ago
Reply to  The Ex-orcist

Ahh they really are all the same I got the picture thing too! You bought the frames and never hung them up. My other favorite was – you didn’t vacuum enough. Then, you stopped getting me thoughtful gifts for my birthday. Then when I bought him a whole day of really cool adventure touring in Mexico on his birthday, it was you don’t understand me, you didn’t listen when I said I just wanted to hang out and do nothing on my birthday. Then it was, you were too independent/you were to dependent, you were emotionally abusive/you didn’t have mental health issues that you needed my help with. Make up your fucking mind about which needs are unmet, damnit!! Being free of the “unmet needs” mindfuck is one of the best things about leaving him in the dust. It is also the thing that took me the long enough to work through, and I still sometimes blame myself for being a partner who couldn’t meet needs and worry that in my future relationships something is so wrong with me that I will never be able to meet those needs in a way that will make sure he doesn’t cheat on me.

Chumpalicious
Chumpalicious
6 years ago
Reply to  rockette

I got the unmet needs too. I am 2.5 months in to him leaving and I am still thinking about the needs I did not meet. It is the holy grail of mindfucks. I will search forever but never find/solve the quest for the answer to the unmet needs.
FUCKHAT

StigOfTheChump
StigOfTheChump
6 years ago
Reply to  rockette

I know it’s a bit of an aside, Rockette, but I bet the Mexico thing was that he was terrified you would post stuff on social media showing him having fun with you, when he’d told Schmoopie what a crazy, mean, joyless, not to mention sexless, harridan you were.

rockette
rockette
6 years ago
Reply to  StigOfTheChump

Also yes, the foundation of his relationship with Schmoopie was talking about what ogres both her boyfriend (who she lived with) and I really were. According to her, she was shacked up with an abusive alcoholic who she couldn’t bear to leave until he found out about her relationship with my husband (after a year) and then HE DUMPED HER. According to my husband, I was probably also an emotionally abusive alcoholic (I was pregnant half the time he was cheating and 100% NOT DRINKING) who didn’t rely on him enough/cared too much about our baby and not enough about him/who didn’t text him enough/who definitely didn’t text him enough sexy pictures. Give me a fucking breakkkkkk

StigOfTheChump
StigOfTheChump
6 years ago
Reply to  rockette

Haha! *Gently hums ‘What a fool belieeeeeves’*

rockette
rockette
6 years ago
Reply to  StigOfTheChump

Ha!! I never thought about that until this instant but that makes total sense. He never suggested any pictures that day and in all of them is making this really uncomfortable face – by no means looking happy. He also took the opportunity that trip while I napped some days to “catch up on work”… aka talk to Schmoopie using the wifi in the lobby. The trip was before d-day and when I found out I asked him specifically if he had been talking to her while we were on a romantic vacation and he was all like “NOOO of course not that’s so fucked up why would I even need to talk to her while I was with you???”… aka YES OF COURSE.

StigOfTheChump
StigOfTheChump
6 years ago
Reply to  rockette

Haha. ‘That’s so fucked up’ is cheater code for ‘I did it’. Mr Cheaterpants was very reluctant for us to post pics of our new baby on FB etc (not that I was wanting to spam the world or anything), but I like to think that the one or two that I posted, and especially the cute captions to the ones with him and the baby, pissed her off. I didn’t know about her at the time, but I know he was telling her how horrible I was, and here were cute, jokey little comments between he and I online. Suck on it, Miss Poor Me BPD…

Bamboozeled
Bamboozeled
6 years ago
Reply to  rockette

WTF is it with Mexico?!? I posted a pic of me and my then husband on social media in Mexico. His mistress came upon the photo, which gave the date we went, and this is how she found out he was still married, And this is how I found out he’d been cheating on me for years. He told her he was going away with his mom, aunt and cousin. OK.

He ‘wasn’t feeling well’ a few morning so I went down to the pool and ate breakfast alone. He was back in the room face timing his girlfriend.

Damn it!! And I really really liked Mexico

rockette
rockette
6 years ago
Reply to  Bamboozeled

Hahahaa same loved Mexico. Next time we go back without fuckfaces in tow. Lots of love 🙂

Icantbelievethishappenedtomeagain
Icantbelievethishappenedtomeagain
6 years ago
Reply to  rockette

Spot on rockette. That is one of the biggest mind fucks of the unmet needs bs. It leaves us chumps with guilt and doubt. Not only regarding the marriage that is in ashes but you begin to wonder if you are the disordered one, and you begin to doubt that you’ll ever be able to have a normal, healthy relationship with anyone. CL and CN put it in proper perspective. We are not the disordered one, and we can and will have a great life after we fix our picker regardless if we couple up or remain single. I’m just realizing this 1 year post d-day.

rockette
rockette
6 years ago

Ahh I am almost precisely 1 year post D-Day as well! May 2nd, a date that shall live in infamy. Power to ya. What a crazy year, huh? I feel like recently I have been able to come to a lot of really healthy and helpful realizations. It’s that 1 year healing magic 🙂 To your comment, thank you, it is really nice to know that I am not the only one questioning whether I am the disordered one. That has been nagging at me all year… the maybe I am broken question. It is really refreshing to know that others also question this and have been able to leave that kind of self-doubt behind.

Icantbelievethishappenedtomeagain
Icantbelievethishappenedtomeagain
6 years ago
Reply to  rockette

rockette,

One year out is so much better than the early months of darkness, anger and depression. Yeah, to one year! Life does get better.

In my case, my X had an exit strategy, and right off the bat I had to deal with her old HSBF. It was brutal. She threw that in my face constantly and still does. Her new shiny attitude caused me to really doubt. However, since then I have seen multiple examples of her shitty character and that has helped me move on.

Good luck to you. We are not alone, and it is very comforting to know others have gone through this hell and not only survived but thrived.

Dee
Dee
6 years ago
Reply to  The Ex-orcist

Me too, Exorsist. Me too. I didn’t hang up enough family photos. (Note: we had three of those electronic frames in the great room that rotated unlimited family photos.) ?

I also left my purse on the counter. (Note: he raged at me because I dared to point out that he left his work bag on the stairs every night.) ?

The important thing new chumps need to know about unmet needs is that THERE WILL ALWAYS BE SOMETHING. As CL says, the game is rigged. You fix one ‘problem’ and the goal posts move again.

I spent two weeks fixing all my problems after D Day. I put out more photos, I put away my purse, I quit using big words, I quit talking so much, and I virtually ignored my kids so I could sit quietly with him every night to watch what he wanted to watch on TV. So at one point I asked him, “How am I doing meeting your needs?” His cold response? “Well, I’ll never be able to trust that this is the real you!” WTF?!?

If your partner cheated and YOU are being asked to make all the behavioural changes in order to satisfy his/her unmet needs…. you need to Get. Out. Now.

OhHellNo
OhHellNo
6 years ago
Reply to  Dee

“The game is rigged. First off, the cheater can always add more needs. Hey, you missed a spot.”

Mine wanted me to dress a certain way BUT WOULDN’T DESCRIBE IT TO ME or give me examples of the clothes he liked. “I need to be surprised by your clothing. It won’t turn me on otherwise.”

My personal opinion is that this was a result of years of porn use. A different woman every time, wearing a different outfit every time, filling a different hole every time. He couldn’t get turned on by anything else.

SO HAPPY to be free of that a$$hole!!!

Patsy
Patsy
5 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

Here was my catch 22!

“You Never Initiate Sex”

Except that when I did, I got rejected. Forward, whorish, controlling, who knows, but he didn’t like it.

I learned to initiate so subtly, that if he didn’t respond, I could even lie to myself that I hadn’t initiated so I didn’t have to feel hurt. (OK, that denial worked sometimes)

SeeingRed
SeeingRed
6 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

^^This^^ OhHellNo!! Porn addiction and Narcopaths needing variety. Felix the Tinder Cat had to taste every shape, size and color. He wanted to experience them ALL. I once caught him watching midget porn. This became a joke between us and I would tease him about it. Well I found he had cheated on me with a very small woman (a year later she popped up on his Facebook as a “friend” and I learned the sordid details then). Nothing is random with them. The joke was on me ha ha!! Then I started to see the PATTERN. Monkey see monkey do!

brit
brit
6 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

Today’s post could keep me going for hours too. There’s so many posts here that sound familiar. Apparently I didn’t dress to X’s standards, he complained that I didn’t dress like a pilot’s wife..?? I’m sorry, what does a pilot’s wife dress like? Is there a guide?

This coming from the same person who until I met him wore short, shorts with striped tube socks up to his knees.
Since X moved out, he wears bright fluorescent colored cycling ensembles, with every matching accessory made.

Chumpalicious
Chumpalicious
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

That’s attractive (sarcasm at work).

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

Mine complained that I didn’t dress up enough but he stopped taking me places where I would have a reason to dress up. I am not going to go wearing ball gowns around the house.

He also didn’t like the clothes I picked out and complained that I didn’t go clothes shopping often enough (he never appreciated my low maintenance aspects). There was one dress that he had complimented a few times so I wore it often only to find out that he was disturbed by my wearing it to certain venues where it wasn’t the right fit for the venue.

Today’s topic could keep me going for hours.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago

It could keep us all going all day.

My cheater complained that I didn’t dye my hair (I get many compliments). When he complained that I didn’t take care of my figure, my gut started nagging me. I’m in good shape for 65, don’t take ANY medicines, have a good job, but one of cheater’s unmet needs is that I’m no longer 25…it’s a serious character fault.

Today’s post has pressed my hate button, I am so damn angry!

FedupChump
FedupChump
6 years ago

Oh gawd.
We could never be perfect enough for these narcissists.
Mine (after he left us) once pointed to a tall young woman wearing a very short baby doll dress and asked me why I never wore stuff like that. First, I reminded him that I was five months pregnant, so nope. And secondly- I also reminded him that I did wear cute clothes- just for him- but he never seemed to notice. I’m​ not 5’9, so maybe THAT was the problem.
At that point I was still under the impression that we were working on things. Little did I know he had already moved on and in with his ho-worker. For all I know that woman we saw at the park, wearing that dress was her, because I have no idea who he cheated on me with.

Patsy
Patsy
6 years ago
Reply to  FedupChump

It didn’t matter what I wore. It didn’t matter if I was a size 6 or a size 14.

He didn’t notice.

FedupChump
FedupChump
6 years ago
Reply to  FedupChump

“I have no idea who he cheated on me with” *other than I know she works with him. But he works for the state so the list of female co-workers is lengthy.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago

Oh yeah, and the final straw that drove him to choose Schmoopie over me (before I even knew about her) was when I had the nerve to wear a pair of pants with a stain on them to work one day. I had been up all night with our daughter helping her deal with her depression issues and was too tired the next morning to notice or care that my pants had a stain (and in my line of work, my office mates didn’t notice or care either). When he first told me we should get MC he said “we just don’t seem to have the same priorities”. He’s got that right.

With Brave Wings
With Brave Wings
6 years ago
Reply to  Dee

He didn’t like what I watched on TV. Let him watch what he wanted to watch instead. “All you do is watch TV.”

Just. Can’t. Win.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago

We used to watch movies together on Friday nights. I usually let him pick the movie because he never liked the ones I picked out. He would only watch movies that got good ratings form his favorite movie reviewer. One time I made the mistake of letting him know that I had not particularly liked one of the movies he had picked out. I said this one time, about one movie. We stopped watching movies together shortly after that. I thought it was because the kids were getting older and going to bed too late themselves for us to stay up any later. During MC, however, he mentioned said “We used to watch movies together, but she complained about the ones I picked out”. Boy, anything you say or any opinion you express around him will be filed away to use against you later and always out of context.

LRC
LRC
6 years ago

Oh this is perfect.
I wasn’t meeting his needs …

My sauce didn’t taste like his grandmother’s, I spent too much time in the kitchen, I didn’t dress sexy enough, I didn’t like to watch movies, I didn’t have sense of humor (gee I’m not sure what’s so funny about making fun of me all the time), I didn’t respond in the morning when he whacked his dick on my shoulder and said “Good Morning!”

Yet I cleaned, cooked, everything from scratch, worked full time, took care of the pets, did laundry, made the lunches, took care of every holiday, shuttled the kids to and from sports, coached my daughter in cheerleading…. I could go on.

Bunch of freakin crap.
Go slap your mistress/now wife in the face with your dick.

I never have to see it again.

Chumpalicious
Chumpalicious
6 years ago
Reply to  LRC

Ugly piece of limp skin isn’t it.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago

Sadly, ChumpinRecovery, his need was for you to have no opinions, rights, or preferences.

MightyE
MightyE
6 years ago

Oh goodness. This reminds me of the non-incident of me telling mine he should really get to sleep since he had to be up very early the next morning, that became harped on for the next eternity, “I wanted to spend time with you, and you just waved me away and told me to go to bed!”

FedupChump
FedupChump
6 years ago
Reply to  MightyE

I put mayonnaise on his cheese sandwich. Wtf was I thinking?

MightyE
MightyE
6 years ago
Reply to  FedupChump

That’s one for the Stupid Shit Cheaters Say archives!

SheChump
SheChump
6 years ago
Reply to  FedupChump

What?? Not Miracle Whip!

Finally Free Heart
Finally Free Heart
6 years ago
Reply to  MightyE

When we separated, I was told I hadn’t met his needs by playing golf with him. He is obsessed with golf and I don’t enjoy the game. I would go occasionally, but it isn’t my idea of a fun time. When we separated, he said he had found a golf “partner”. It didn’t matter that the wives of his fellow male golfers did not play golf and the men enjoyed it as a group. I had failed in the marriage because I didn’t play everyday with him. It is so true, that you can’t win once a person decides to find fault. If it hadn’t been golf, it would have been something else. So, am happy to not have that pressure any more.

Chumpalicious
Chumpalicious
6 years ago

A little at odds – prickless and bent prick but you get the idea.

Chumpalicious
Chumpalicious
6 years ago

He also said he wanted a simpler life, then the cheating fucktard left for his whore and traded up for a sports car and took her to New York and whistler for vacation in the first two months after he left. What a simple, Buddhist life he has. Ahhrrgg puke. Prickless asswipe bastard with a bent prick.

Chumpalicious
Chumpalicious
6 years ago

Mine liked to go out at 2 in the morning to look at the stars. That wasn’t my thing. That is why he left. When I said my friend had the same issue, asshat said obviously it wasn’t as important to them.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago

I got… we need to spend more time together as a couple. You should get up at 5am with me and watch “The Walking Dead”.

Yeah, I’ve heard that many marriages with sociopaths were saved that way.

Palm smack to forehead.

WhereisMia
WhereisMia
6 years ago

LOL

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
6 years ago
Reply to  Dee

X just cut out all the annoying details, and called me Ball and Chain! Right in front of our friends, and anyone.
So I relieved him of the burden of dragging me around! Last time I saw him he called me The Center of His Universe. Make up your mind!

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  FreeWoman

Egads, yes, FreeWoman. I also would have very freely let my STBX-parasitic-asshat walk away had I had any inkling that he held such a ridiculous and infantile view of marriage.

I was beyond livid when I discovered my he used the ol’ “poor me, I have a wife and kids … I’m so overworked and underappreciated” crap in order to GET LAID.

Not only was he lazy (an almost fifty year old who proudly stated that a “gamer” is who he really is and wants to be), making his claim already laughable …

But, more importantly to me, expressing appreciation is one of my core principles (as an individual — with or without the parasitic asshat). Early in life I decided that when we value someone, it’s important to let them know that. I’m conscious of it — and consistent with it.

So, to be labeled by him as “unappreciative” made my blood boil. Heck, it still does. And to use the offensive label in order to cheat on me …. (come on karma bus)!

Damn, his blatant hypocrisy and lack of integrity STILL shock me.

brit
brit
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

X referred to me as his “ball and chain,” if television would announce a couple were getting married, he’d yell out, “Don’t do it”!
He acted as if being married to me was an enormous burden, which is ironic since I did most if not all the work.
I remember thinking no one else I know’s husband talks like this but I chalked it up to X’s sense of humor…, Looking back it was a clear act of disrespect and I shouldn’t have known better than to accept it as normal.
X also said he would never live with another woman again after being with me he’d be single for the rest of his life. Funny, that never happened he left our house to live with AP. I must not have been all that bad after all.

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

Yes, constant disrespect for the marriage and if I called him on it, he was “kidding” but he said shit ALL THE TIME.

“Looking back it was a clear act of disrespect and I shouldn’t have known better than to accept it as normal.” yes, this.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

THIS…. my X told the OW that we didn’t have sex for the last two years of our marriage. What he FAILED TO TELL her was I couldn’t stand the touch of his hand after I found an email he had sent in response to a personal ad on Craigslist indicating that he was a BiMWM… and he used a picture of himself from our son’s baptism day… among about 15 other email responses to ads. I (and our MC) suggested he get a blood test to earn back my trust. He refused, so there went our sex life.

But yeah, his needs were unmet by me.

Fuckers – the lot of them.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago

>>”Fuckers – the lot of them.”

+ 1000

Chumpalicious
Chumpalicious
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Soooo right. Fuckers they be.

Chumpy Chump UK
Chumpy Chump UK
6 years ago
Reply to  The Ex-orcist

LOL – I only bought mature cheddar cheese and not mild!! Plus our furniture is antique pine and he hates pine??? Never once told me either of those things in 28 years, and he helped pick up most of the pine stuff.

I didn’t like his many beloved plane prints much, didn’t say anything but didn’t use them as an excuse to bump uglies with A.N.Other either.

they really are turd covered and filled individuals

Got-a-brain
Got-a-brain
6 years ago
Reply to  The Ex-orcist

Bahaha! I got that one too!

MidlifeBlast
MidlifeBlast
6 years ago
Reply to  The Ex-orcist

I didn’t make his favourite dinner enough, which he didn’t actually tell me was his favourite dinner. But of course I was too busy doing all the other stuff. TF he’s gone, honestly!! I can see that now

CrazyDogLady
CrazyDogLady
6 years ago
Reply to  MidlifeBlast

And see, I made his favorite food TOO MUCH! I mean, how could I think that considering him in my every day life, above my own or my children’s need would be ENOUGH! I’m just so thoughtless! Or is it thoughtful.

We never could win these arguments.

marriagedetective
marriagedetective
6 years ago
Reply to  CrazyDogLady

Same here. It’s a crazy crazy game they play. Reminds me of that “whack a mole” game. The minute one pops up and you try to hit it, it drops down and another one pops up in a different spot.

FedupChump
FedupChump
6 years ago

What is with these assholes and food? My cheater insisted that I made dinner too early… Then too late. He’d send me links to “quick and easy meals” in retaliation of dinner being ready by 7pm rather than our usual 6:30. It was either too salty, or too creamy or too gluten free, which he insisted made him fart himself out of the house. (no, it wasn’t the gluten free pasta. It was the beer, and we all suffered).
Meals were a huge factor in the unmet needs department. That, and not being interested in sex at 3am. (Nevermind the fact I was an exhausted new mother). I was dancing away trying to meet his ever changing needs. Turns out, those revolving needs were just validation tools for cheating- because it isn’t us. It’s them. Any MC worth a shit should know this.

Patsy
Patsy
5 years ago
Reply to  FedupChump

What is it with meals?????

Mine would be rejected out of hand. He was too tired. It was too late. They were too rich.

In the end, I just didn’t cook for him because it hurt that my efforts and time spent were rejected. Then I was an uncaring bad wife. He never told me what he wanted.

Maybe I should have just made soup or something.

ZHUCHI
ZHUCHI
6 years ago

Gold. Chump Lady for president of the World.

MidlifeBlast
MidlifeBlast
6 years ago
Reply to  ZHUCHI

President Chimp?

MidlifeBlast
MidlifeBlast
6 years ago
Reply to  MidlifeBlast

Chump aaarghh!! Stupid phone!!!

lostntx
lostntx
6 years ago
Reply to  MidlifeBlast

We’ve got president chimp right now! Haven’t you ever noticed the similarity? LOL

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

I was going to point this out, but thought I’d better keep quiet. Glad you did, lostntx. LOL

FedupChump
FedupChump
6 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

Lol. Agreed. But I think it might be an insult to chimps. ?

Chumpalicious
Chumpalicious
6 years ago
Reply to  FedupChump

More like an orangutan.

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
6 years ago

This is an issue we all wrestle with here. If you left your narcissist and told him why you were leaving, he explains that he did those things that made you leave because he was unhappy. If you just got dumped one day ( after TWO decades and TWO kids) for the affair partner ( poof….gone!) as in my case, he explains that the reason he left is because he was unhappy. Basically, it’s all about their unhappiness.
I’ve come to realize that I could of been standing in the door way with my lipstick on with a cocktail in my hand and a hot meal waiting for him, telling him how amazing he is and how lucky I am to be with him, doing the dishes and offering him sex 10 times a day and this still would of happened. It’s not what I wasn’t, it’s what he is.
The new squeeze thinks she’s enough to get him to the altar and keep him faithful only to her. I doubt it, but I honestly don’t care. She will learn as I did that it’s not the capture that thrills him, it’s the hunt.
So. Happy. I’m . Divorced.

Findingpeace
Findingpeace
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

Paintwindow – yes! My stbx was “unhappy.” He lied, cheated, deceived, went to hotel every week with OW while telling me everything was fine and I was inecure, gave the cold dead eye stare, criticized and bullied, then abandonded his family, etc. Because he was “unhappy.”

I said gee – when you were in rehab 15 years ago they told you if you were unhappy to go volunteer at shelter, kitchen, etc., and help those less fortunate than you. Not betray and screw over your family.

I love that: It’s not what I wasn’t, it’s what they are…..

Stbx left his journal from rehab. They had to write their history with girlfriends. He cheated on every one. He has never been faithful to anyone. It was all about sex. He is unable to love. People are objects.

Forever2bme
Forever2bme
6 years ago
Reply to  Findingpeace

Same here. Since my ex walked away, I accidentally found a document which told me he left his first wife for OW 3 days before Christmas when she was 8 months pregnant! I had no idea. So then I decided to go through all his papers. I too found he had cheated on every partner he’s had, overlaps with all the addresses!

Serial cheaters like that will never change!

JustAnotherStatistic
JustAnotherStatistic
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

Yep!

Despite doing the pick-me dance, as we chumps do so well, in response to the initial “I’m unhappy” news, I immediately called out my cheater on this. I pointed out all the amazing things in the life we built together. I said, “If you can’t find happiness in this, there may be something wrong with you. Maybe you don’t know how to be happy.”

It took a few months to piece it all together with the details of the affair, but BOY OH BOY was there something wrong with him!

Now, I’m moving forward mightily in that same life, just without him. And it’s EVEN HAPPIER than it was before. Imagine that!

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago

“If you can’t find happiness in this, there may be something wrong with you. Maybe you don’t know how to be happy.”

Wich I’d been quick on the draw with this one. OUTSTANDING.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

I was so disgusted when Stbx said he had lost the last ten years of his life but I didn’t have any good response. Later I thought, their are millions of people who would have loved to lose their last ten years the way he did because we had a pretty good life with 5 wonderful children and I am not an evil bitch as he says- that is projection.

Blindside
Blindside
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

In the end, my wife settled on the “I wasn’t happy” excuse too. But like you say, just because you’re “unhappy” it doesn’t give you free license to:

1) Sleep with other married men;
2) Hide money;
3) Con your spouse into buying a bunch of expensive things right before you plan on leaving them for your AP;
4) Stick your spouse with your student loans;
5) And basically spend several years lying to, deceiving, and making an ass out of your spouse in front of your friends, family, and co-workers on a daily/weekly basis.

I wasn’t “happy” every day of my marriage either (who is?), but somehow I never considered doing any of these things.

That’s why the “unhappy” bullshit is just bullshit. If you’re that unhappy, then just end the marriage honestly and fairly. Then go have your midlife crisis. Otherwise you’re just a coward.

FedUpUkChumpLady
FedUpUkChumpLady
6 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

Blindside, you say it exactly how it is.

However, after I started divorce proceedings a year ago when he left (again) due to all the ways in which I didn’t meet his needs, it seems that I am still not meeting his needs. I stupidly didn’t realise that the only way I could meet all of his needs was to accept that I couldn’t/wasn’t meeting all of his needs and thus accept that he was entitled to go elsewhere to have his needs met, and not divorce him after all, as apparently in doing so I have given rise to more of his unmeet needs.

I think here in the UK it’s called “having your cake whilst eating it.”

Sad Shelby
Sad Shelby
6 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

After all this shit blew my life up my mom was talking to my aunt because I had gotten the “other people are 100% happy in their relationship and I wasn’t” story. (Imagine that people on Facebook might make it look like everything in heir life is perfect and it might not be ????) My mom asked her, “How many years of your marriage have you guys been 100% happy?” And my aunt said in 29+ years of marriage she has been 100% happy for exactly ZERO of them. My aunt and uncle love each other and neither has cheated on the other and in almost 30 years my aunt has not had ONE full year of being 100% happy. Guess why! Because no human being is ever 100% happy! It is the human condition. There is nothing wrong with it. It’s called life. But idiot cheater thought that everyone else was happier and went out to “find his happiness” with the whoremat and now he’s more miserable than ever.

The Ex-orcist
The Ex-orcist
6 years ago
Reply to  Sad Shelby

??whoremat. Good one!

mickeyblueeyes
mickeyblueeyes
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

If I ever break grey rock I will use this line and this line only..

It’s not what I wasn’t, it’s what HE/SHE IS.

Repeat this to your self again and again and again and again.

ReDefiningMe
ReDefiningMe
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

“It’s not what I wasn’t, it’s what HE/SHE IS.”….chumps everywhere, repeat this to yourself every single day – over and over, until you believe it.

What I’ve learned from Chump Lady, Chump Nation, and a super solid therapist over the years is mostly about this very truth. You’ll realize that this advice isn’t just cheater/marriage related – it’s for dealing with all kinds of issues and all kinds of people. Drug addicted sibling? Family disfunction surrounding an aging parent? Parenting teens? Pretty much the same advice applies. I’m just beginning to imagine a world where I’m not responsible for the pain of every person in my life; that their problems and feeling aren’t my responsbility or my fault. FOO issues for sure; and getting this is different than empathy (which has had me stuck for a long time). But for sure chumps, we could have been PERFECT every single moment of every single day, and the poor character and entitlement of cheaters and their ilk would have landed right in the very same place.

“It’s not what I wasn’t, it’s what THEY ARE.”

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  ReDefiningMe

What helped me was when I realized that not only was there nothing I could have done differently to prevent what had happened, I could have been a whole different person and it still would have happened.

StrawberryJellyfish
StrawberryJellyfish
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

I had the similar variety of cheater. After D-Day he claimed I didn’t make him happy like OW did. (Let’s see how happy he is after 12 years with Ms Cheaterpants over there.)

I actually apologized to him. Profusely. I was so sorry that I wasn’t a good wife to him. Eventually I wised up because one thing I realized is that it is NOT a partner’s job to “make you happy.” Now when I hear that phrase it’s like nails on a chalkboard. I am responsible for my own happiness and you are responsible for your own happiness. That doesn’t give you carte blanche to be a douche, but it does mean that I’m not going to dance around endlessly hoping to keep you happy at the detriment of my own sanity.

And another thing, feeling sad, or angry, or whatever besides “happy” is fucking part of being a human. You need to learn how to feel “not happy” and your response should be anything besides “fuck my coworker.” When I am not happy I go for a walk, or eat some ice cream, or cry, or talk to a friend or make a craft. If your coping strategy for “I’m not happy” is “fuck co-worker and implode my kid’s life” then you are a truly shitty person.

I realized just how much the problem was him and his endless unhappiness that would never be satiated when we were separated and I still found joy in things around me. Even though I was going through the hardest thing in my life I found humor and was for the most part pretty damn happy. I make myself happy no matter what my situation is. He’s always searching for it elsewhere and that will be something he will always struggle with.

Chumpalicious
Chumpalicious
6 years ago

We had arguments about the definition of happiness. I said it was being content with your life. He said it was much more. He had to be excited and thrilled and full of joy. Really?? Everyday?? I didn’t give him the thrill of his life everyday. He said he left because our definitions of happiness were different. Fucking exhausted, looking for peaceful and content.

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
6 years ago

You nailed it, Strawberry Jellyfish! They will never be satisfied.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago

Love your words. When long time cheater told me about the also married whore he had decided to run off for, he said that they would lay together and the talk was new and fresh. I sill can’t get over that he couldn’t see how over the top idiotic that sounds. How long does new and fresh last? The only thing we are guaranteed to make new and fresh every day is shit!

He also said once a cheater always a cheater, wonder if he said that to whore?

That Is Not A Thing
That Is Not A Thing
6 years ago

“You need to feel ‘not happy’ and your response should be anything other than ‘fuck my coworker’.

Not even the standard integrity responses suggested by CL, like “leave’ or ‘speak up’ or ‘ask for a divorce’ before fucking coworker are needed. The low bar for cheaters isn’t even good character; they simply need to… not cheat.

Chump Lady’s service to us cannot be measured, but this comment right here wins everything. I’d put it on my phone lock screen, but AntiHero might wonder where I”m getting my ‘tude lately.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago

>>”AntiHero might wonder where I”m getting my ‘tude lately.”

LOL! I understand the sentiment. 🙂

My STBX-parasitic-asshat tried a few times to read over my shoulder as our marriage was grinding to an end.

Between my irritation and attitude that manifested as I had light bulb moments AND my intermittent laughter (CL and CN are wonderfully hilarious – even during a full-blown shit storm) … he knew whatever I was reading was having a distinct impact on me.

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago

Agreed mines a whining SOB. He truly is a malcontent. Unhappy with the world and has an ideal in his head of how the world should be and is never in the moment, always projecting.
Yeah first world white man problems buddy. He could never see it would just drone on.
Happiness really does come from within, no one else is going to make you happy. I felt him always reaching and searching to fill the void but not looking within.
Irony is that in wanting it all he ended up with very little.

Shechump
Shechump
6 years ago
Reply to  Lady B

Lady B – ‘Irony is that in wanting it all he ended up with very little.’

Exactly what happened to X.
He kept striving and striving and worked like a monster, obsessed with earning money and buying and showing off and buy more and showing off…He exhausted me because I’m a hippie and I don’t care about spending $$ and climbing some societal-show-off tree.

Like the guy in the boat. He and his wife start out with a canoe. Progresses to a sailboat, then a boat with a motor and climb the ladder up to a catamarin, and, before you knew it. He and his wife were the proud owners of their new luxurious yacht. Everybody oohed and awed and he was the king of the sea..

Then, one crazy evening, he went down and pulled the plug from the bottom of the fancy yacht and it sank. awww…and there went his life. Like a sandcastle. Just as easy to build and even faster to knock it down with the tides, a dog, or your foot. And humpty dumpty came falling down.

blondebarrister
blondebarrister
6 years ago

I love this. So true. I also got the “I’m not happy” line. For the first time. On D-Day. He also told me that as part of a “happy” couple, I was expected to read his mind and just “know” that he was unhappy….along with everything else he is feeling. Because I didn’t, he reasoned, he was free to move on to ho-worker. Without telling me anything of course until after I discovered it. Now I admit, I’m not always the most perceptive person in the world. But to “know” what he is thinking and feeling at all times? Seriously? Is that even possible?

Icantbelievethishappenedtomeagain
Icantbelievethishappenedtomeagain
6 years ago

My X (Rain Cloud) told me that I made her sick to her stomach that her husband (me) couldn’t determine what she was thinking. I thought effective communication was telling the other person what was on your mind.

FSTL
FSTL
6 years ago

I got the “I thought you would work it out” line as to why she didn’t tell me about all this unhappiness that made her cheat.

It’s in chapter 1 of the cheater handbook, titled “Why it’s never enough”

brit
brit
6 years ago

One morning as I was reading the paper and drinking coffee, X accused me of not being happy.
I felt happy, this was news to me. He went on to say I would never be happy. I remember wondering what I had done to make X think I wasn’t happy. So I tried harder to look and sound happy and smile more often. I made an extra effort to prove I was happy. Sadly after all my effort to prove how happy I was, X gradually became miserable.
X claimed “we weren’t getting along” which was a surprise to me, followed by he wanted something different.
X forgot to mention he had already found his something different. Coincidently it was during the same time he decided I was never happy..

StigOfTheChump
StigOfTheChump
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

Brit, I think you are giving X too much credit for good intentions, even now. It wasn’t that you didn’t seem happy, it was that X had found someone else and was starting to make excuses (ie your relationship ‘wasn’t working’ now and it was your fault) as to why it would be better if he exited stage left. When they get to the stage that the pressure is on (ie Schmoopie is ramping up the pressure in the background to actually come up with the goods, not just idle promises about the future together) they start scrabbling around in a panic for anything, and come up with the most limp excuses to you (and themselves) why they should get out.

StigOfTheChump
StigOfTheChump
6 years ago
Reply to  StigOfTheChump

That’s why your X became more miserable as you became ‘happier’. You were fixing the excuses he was giving that helped him justify his asshole excuses that he was putting the blame on you for, and forcing him to man up (if that is the right phrase for someone being a spineless twat) and actually be the asshole and implode your life because he wants to.

StigOfTheChump
StigOfTheChump
6 years ago
Reply to  StigOfTheChump

Sorry, I think I meant this reply for FSTL

MightyE
MightyE
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

Yep. Only when he was about to leave for Imitation E did he suddenly tell me I wasn’t happy with him either. Need to me. We’d been in what I thought was a little rough patch, and he was depressed, seeing a counselor, taking meds, and would come out of it soon. Nope, none of that was true. He was depressed, but he was seeing a slut and taking a bottle of vodka daily.

StigOfTheChump
StigOfTheChump
6 years ago
Reply to  MightyE

Mighty E – sluts and vodka – cheater medicine, love your turn of phrase.

MightyE
MightyE
6 years ago
Reply to  MightyE

* News to me. Dang autocorrect.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

I got that too and was surprised by it. Then I started to think that maybe it was my unhappiness (that I wasn’t aware of until that moment) was what was making him so unhappy. Of course it was the opposite that was true. I was such a chump.

FSTL
FSTL
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

“you’re never happy” is often projecting. But it’s messed up that they are more concerned about how your unhappiness affects them, rather than how they can help you…

My cheater X made some messed up comments about this and I have dated a couple of very insecure women since then and was sufficiently worried I spoke to a therapist about it.

The weird thing was… I was happy. But I guess I wasn’t mirroring their sparkles enough, so they were unhappy and were then projecting on me their own unhappiness….

Anyway, I dumped the X and didn’t keep going with the girls who needed me to be happy to make them happy… even though I was happy ….

rockette
rockette
6 years ago
Reply to  FSTL

Yes this is it! “But I guess I wasn’t mirroring their sparkles enough, so they were unhappy and were then projecting on me their own unhappiness….”

Mirroring the sparkles. That is all they want. Really only a new person can mirror sparkles in a satisfactory way.

tequilatamm
tequilatamm
6 years ago

I completely agree. I look back on the year and a half after d-day while I remained in Australia awaiting divorce and financial settlement, and I realize all the joy and happiness I experienced.

It was the only time while living in that country that I was nearly forced into self-care to combat all the stress of divorce.

For the first time, I hung out with friends that made ME happy, went to restaurants that I liked, did activities like waterskiing and nature walks, that I found enjoyable.

It was no longer about his needs and eating the shit sandwich to try and keep him happy. It was about me and my wants and needs and what I enjoyed doing.

I realized 2 years after leaving that those terrible divorce times were actually some of the most enjoyable days of my life, actually!

FSTL
FSTL
6 years ago

So many good comments in this strand.

It really is all about who they are and their inability to sustain happiness. They’re empty vessels and they need us to fill them up, except they have holes in their soul and the happiness just keeps emptying out. She now HATES to see me happy and for the happiness not to revolve around her. Her court filings are full of criticism, the sub-text of which is that the children can’t be happy without her and how dare I get on with my life and leave her behind. Doesn’t the court know it’s my job to serve her needs from now until eternity?

I too apologised…. am so embarrassed that I did, but with NC and a good dose of therapy I can things more clearly.

Beans
Beans
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

Exactly. I love the idea that it isn’t what we are, it’s what they are.

It boils down to one thing, we can never be “new.” We can be everything else in the world but we can never be hot new pussy/penis. Just read People. Supermodels get cheated on regularly. It doesn’t matter how much of everything you are, if you’re not new.

Patsy
Patsy
5 years ago
Reply to  Beans

‘She was a new c*** and a new pair of t***”

Literally. The. Reply. to me asking ‘why?’

Anita
Anita
6 years ago
Reply to  Beans

You know that saying, “Show me the most beautiful woman in the world, and I’ll show you someone who’s tired of fucking her.” She can’t be “new” either, and probably has a lot of hot friends to choose from.

Roaring
Roaring
6 years ago
Reply to  Anita

That’s it: New! All x wanted was New! and Strange!

The part that really infuriates me is that he lied, deceived me, and spent all of our savings on New! and Strange!

The cheating was just the disgusting icing on the disordered confectionary that was my marriage to x.

It’s futile to try to address “needs” when the person with the un-meetable and un-mentionable “needs” is a lying douchebag.

I had “needs” as well. I didn’t meet them by fucking whores.

Chumpalicious
Chumpalicious
6 years ago
Reply to  Roaring

I look back and realize my needs were far from being met, yet it was never his fault, never his responsibility. It was always not him, not in his control. What a fucking douchedog. Fuck you and the horse you rode out on. I hope your needs swallow you up and spit you out in pieces ( little angry tonight).

CrazyDogLady
CrazyDogLady
6 years ago
Reply to  Anita

OMG! My ex used to say that ALL THE TIME! It infuriated me! Of course, now I know he was secretly talking about me.

Anita
Anita
6 years ago
Reply to  CrazyDogLady

Crazy Dog Lady. It’s cheater speak so it would infuriate you. It’s a glimpse into the mind of the deranged. But really it just illustrates that ANYONE can get cheated on. Rich, beautiful., thin, successful. It does not matter in the cheater’s mind. If they do get someone better looking than them, it makes them even more entitled feeling.

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

“It’s not what I wasn’t, it’s what (s)he is.”

Etch this in stone, Chump Nation.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Tracy,

Can you start selling bumper stickers ? Great way to start conversations to change the narrative.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

tatoo it on our foreheads

Karan
Karan
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

EXACTLY!!!!!!

CrazyDogLady
CrazyDogLady
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

YES! I did the whole blame myself game for a while. Until it dawned on me: He cheated on his OTHER ex wife, he cheated on me. Chances are, he cheated on all of his “crazy and psycho” ex girlfriends. I can’t blame myself for his shitty behavior. I only have to learn to live with it, ignore it as much as I can, and move on.

lostntx
lostntx
6 years ago
Reply to  CrazyDogLady

Had that same revelation. She cheated on all her boyfriends. When I heard that I should’ve run but spackled like a madman. Did I think this person would suddenly be faithful? True to form, she spewed out all the BS to justify and explain it. I took the bait and moved on with her. There’s been a lot of work on myself to make sure I don’t do that again.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

Me too. I naively assumed that it wasn’t really cheating because he was single … he was dating! And when we got married, he would obviously stop dating … because if he wanted to keep dating, he wouldn’t get married! It was impeccable logic … but wrong.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

You aren’t alone, Dixie. That was precisely what I thought. And it really is impeccable logic if you are dealing with rational, mature people.

Regretfully, “rational” and “mature” are nowhere to be found in the cheater handbook.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

All of these comments are spot on. We tried to apply normal, rational thinking to people who are NOT normal. The way their brains work defies logic. Just stop trying to wrap your brain about the how and why. It is answered simply by “It is what he is”

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Werd!

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
6 years ago

A related sort of idea is treating the affair as a “cry for help.” That puts the chump’s pain and needs further behind. And how many therapists have started out with that idea and then gone into the “unmet needs” track?!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago

The sarcastic me says it’s a cry for help loading the moving truck. 😉

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Not to belittle your point, though, and I think you are spot on.

cashmere
cashmere
6 years ago

Yup. And nobody ever addresses the chump’s unmet needs.

Here are some of mine:

1. A faithful partner.
2. A partner with a higher sex drive and an ability to appreciate intimacy.
3. A partner who did not binge drink, and did not finally rack up a DUI for that.
4. A partner that did not have unprotected sex with a Vegas hooker, get an STI, and force me into the cold steel stirrups to protect myself.
5. A partner with an ability to be a sane, involved, loving, and compassionate father to our children.
6. A partner without a dismaying porn habit, and such a raging impulse to ogle and flirt at work that he was finally hit with harassment churches and invited to resign.
7. A life free of the anxiety of constantly tiptoeing around on eggshells in a vain attempt to prevent his unpredictable rages, which could be touched off at any moment by any of a million unpredictable things utterly beyond my control.
8. A partner with an ability to be content, flexible, and able to appreciate blessings and joys.
9. A partner who did not lie compulsively.
10. A partner who respected me, our marriage, and our children, and who observed reasonable and ethical behavioral boundaries to protect all of those.

Could go on indefinitely, but there’s a top ten warm-up. None of these unmet needs caused me to fall into bed with others.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

Exactly cashmere, the unmet need theory of adultery never worked with me, because thank goodness I had been very specific about cheating being a deal breaker pre-wedding.

After DDay, I asked him what we discussed before we got married, and he produced his biggest world salad with pretzel logic croutons about his unmet needs. I replied: “as your needs were changing, why did you fail to inform me that you reneged on the promise to remain faithful that you made to me before I accepted your marriage proposal?”

He had nothing to answer to that, and that is when I realized I was married to a cheating lying coward.

So glad I divorced him after DDay #1

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

Problem was always-his need to live in the infatuation stage. And for the love of cake I was always plan B.

In the end I finally GOT IT thanks to my encounters with whore Nancy. I honored his request of ‘not ruining it’ and filed.

He hedged with the divorce, asked to invite me to his 57th birthday at my daughters, and attempted to hug me at a funeral. He never showed up at court and was furious that I hired an attorney. Then he upped the anti and wanted me to take a hit, wanting my pension. I held my ground regardless. When the divorce was final a year later he told me he thinks about me ALL the time.

It’s going on three years since Dday this May. For all I suffered, facing the pain was worth detaching from a disordered malignant narcissist. His needs are no longer my problem.

butterflidreams
butterflidreams
6 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

Yes, exactly that.

Eyeswideopen
Eyeswideopen
6 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

Love this

ChumpedToTheMax
ChumpedToTheMax
6 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

perfect list, fits all my unmet needs too…ignored by everyone except one therapist who finally asked me what I needed and I had no idea, it was always about the X

AtPeace
AtPeace
6 years ago

My counselor asked me that too, and it took me a while to come up with a reply. I think I finally said something like, “I want him to be nice to me, faithful, and not threaten to leave when he’s upset.” I guess those were pretty unreasonable needs…

ANC
ANC
6 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

Agreed.

cashmere
cashmere
6 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

Lol to “churches”. Freudian autocorrect slip? Anyway, “charges,” of course.

pregnant chump
pregnant chump
6 years ago

Cheaters excuses when I questioned why he didn’t tell me about his ‘unmet need’. I don’t think I could ever communicate with you and I never felt good enough for you. You really can’t win with this fuckwits. I’m trying my best not to rise to it but I’m still pretty angry with him so I’m failing miserably.

conniered
conniered
6 years ago
Reply to  pregnant chump

I had a boyfriend say this to me AFTER we broke up and after I realized that it was him who gave me HPV while we dated. He’d been cheating the whole time and mostly likely before we actually started dating. He had a secret side dish that lasted from the previous girlfriend and then on to me. He said, “You always had goals and knew what you wanted to do even if you weren’t sure how you’d get there” yeah so. And….. I mean really…..THAT made you cheat on me the entire time we dated. I’m pretty sure that’s every 20-something who’s ever lived.

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago
Reply to  conniered

I think they envy qualities in us that they lack in themselves and cheating is a form of punishing us or getting one over us. Their low self esteem sees it as gaining some advantage.
I got ‘your so smart and strong and I just wanted something for me’
yes ok fuck off now!

Regina
Regina
6 years ago
Reply to  Lady B

LadyB-Ding Ding Ding! Brilliant!

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Lady B

This is very well stated. It’s such a clusterfuck. On one hand, they feel superior and entitled — to take advantage of people, to manipulate people, to take whatever they wish and make it theirs – particularly if it is something they envy. Power and control!

On the other hand, if they envy it, then they know that they lack that thing. It’s almost like by using force and control to get the thing they envy (or destroy the other person’s ability to have it), then they don’t have to acknowledge to themselves that they didn’t have it in the first place. Thus, they don’t have to acknowledge being “less than.” (They all seem to run on the zero-sum game rather than win-win interaction.)

My STBX-parasitic-asshat humiliated me over my college degree (I had gone back to school once our kids were in school … graduated summa cum laude, etc. – and, at the time, I was proud of my effort). He shamed me so much over the fact that I wasn’t making as much money as I should be making (according to him) … so the degree was completely worthless. He had me so beaten down emotionally that I hid my diploma and awards in a tub in the basement.

It took me a while, but I can see now why he did this. He had jackass parents who called him stupid (once telling him he was probably “slow”) as a child. Of course, this impacted his efforts at school as well as how he viewed himself. To this day, I hate his family for what they did to him. But the monster it created is not something my girls or I need to be around.

Turns out that as much as he looks up to intelligence, he’s fiercely hateful toward and envious of anyone with a modicum of intelligence. And, of course, he knew I was a bookworm / nerd when he married me. Definitely a clusterfuck.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

JesssMom, your X sounds like a covert malignant narcissist. Whatever the reasons or life history he had, fuck him, he did not have any rights to say any of these things to you.

I hope your diploma now hangs in a prominent place for everyone to see, congratulations on earning your degree while parenting, that’s mighty!!

ANC
ANC
6 years ago
Reply to  Lady B

Spot on. The asshat in my life even stated his envy about certain traits and talents I have.

What makes me twitchy is wondering how or when his jealousy will surface with regards to my kids’ talents and accomplishments. I don’t think envy goes away. If they covet something someone has, they steal it and call it their own OR they batter that person who possesses the trait/talent that they envy.

Flowergirl14
Flowergirl14
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

ANC,
My young adult daughter said this the other day about her cheating dad..I dont think dad thinks I”ll ever make more money than him. He always shuts me down and one ups me when I start talking about my job.

conniered
conniered
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

OMG that is a scary thought….that these assholeswould feel threatened by their own kids.When kids are little, it’s awesome because they see the kids as an extension of them…but then they get older….watch out I guess. I’ll be on point.

In addition, your comment makes me see that this goes hand-in-hand with “image control or perception”. They want the family AND cheat (cake and more cake). The family elevates them and the side piece is their…equal and just as lacking as they are.

PhoenixRising03
PhoenixRising03
6 years ago
Reply to  pregnant chump

Oh yeah….sounds so familiar…I also got the ole “I don’t deserve you….probably never did”….makes me so angry when I think of how weak these assclowns are and how easy it is for them to just go fuck Simeon else because they “can’t deal with life”. Boo Fucking Hoo!!!

cashmere
cashmere
6 years ago
Reply to  pregnant chump

The “you are too good for me” deal is such a mindfuck. The STBX actually told our daughter, early on, that he did not want to “sully” me. Good Lord. So sick.

pregnant chump
pregnant chump
6 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

Why would we marry these people and have children with them if we thought we could get better or deserved someone better. I’m not sure if he was saying I never appreciated him and showed him that I ‘wanted him’. This was his main unmet need. I don’t know how planning a baby with someone doesn’t show them you want them. Sensational mindfuck right there.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  pregnant chump

Pregnant Chump, I am so sorry and I do understand the bewilderment of how can a cheater do this to an innocent child to be, his child to be.
I was in the first trimester of pregnancy and had a young child at Dday time. It is crushing, no words can adequately describe it. He eventually told me that ow felt bad about taking him away from his child. I am sure at the time he did not tell her about the expected child.
A mother has this basic instinct to protect her child, (children). She will do all in her power to protect and nourish them, no matter the cost.
His affair made me gather the innocent babies close to me and do anything in my power to remain the sane parent.
My children are older now and I cherish a wonderful, close relationship with them every day of my life. The affair made me stronger.
I am thinking of you in your struggle. Eat healthy, take the best of care of yourself as you can. I sincerely hope you have friends and family who you can reach out to in your time of need. ( I was estranged from my family and felt too embarrassed to reach out to my dear friends). No one knew, but me.
Big hugs dear Momma to be!

OhHellNo
OhHellNo
6 years ago
Reply to  pregnant chump

Yes, I got the “You are too good for me” as well. (He was right, by the way.) But now it just convinces me that behind all of the delusions of grandeur, some small part of his fucked up brain really WAS aware that all of his borderline shit was a result of low self esteem.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

Same here. It took me a while to figure out what on earth he was talking about — I certainly had never seen it that way (okay, to be perfectly honest, I was more like “I’m so lucky he chose me” … yuck, yuck, yuck … anyway …).

Near the end — after I unmasked his two-decade charade — he kept making angry comments about how I care too much about integrity, honesty, character, etc. After listening to this in bewilderment for several months, it finally struck me like a bolt of lightning … Holy crap! He knows I strive to have good character — and he hates me for it.

Since these jackasses all sing the same tune (though sometimes in a different key), I’m willing to bet that the ones who say “you’re too good for me” are talking about character — and it’s an admission of sorts on their end. They have shitty character and they know it.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Jesssmom
Your comment about how he knew you strived to have good character and him hating you for it was spot on. To do what they have done shows contempt for us. I think being with someone of integrity reminds them of just how little they have. Either that or they get a sick thrill over being able to con us.

ZHUCHI
ZHUCHI
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Oh absolutely this. A couple of days after I asked mine to leave he said “I knew I was bad for you when we met, I knew what I’d do to you, but I got with you anyway because you were useful.”

Proves they ARE capable of the truth when they feel like it.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago
Reply to  ZHUCHI

ZHUCHI – I can so relate to how painful as hell as their sincerity is as a hopium detox, when someone tells you who they are, believe them!

It took me a while to really understand that my X had a very different definition of love than I do. In his world, I love you is something between “you make me look so good” and “you’re so useful to me!”

Good riddance!

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago
Reply to  ZHUCHI

ZHUCHI – I can so relate to how painful as hell as their sincerity is as a hopium detox, when someone tells you who they are, believe them!

It took me a while to really understand that my X had a very different definition of love than I do. In his world, I love you is something between “you make me look so good” and “you’re so useful to me!”

Good riddance!

Beans
Beans
6 years ago

I needed this today. Few things make me more upset than that “if you’d only have …I wouldn’t have had to cheat” bullshit. It’s a big reason why I avoided therapy. I wasn’t really interested in exploring the ways in which I drove my husband to destroy our marriage, life, and my emotional world. I’m not perfect, but I cooked, cleaned, worked like a field hand, made 40% more money than him, went to the gym five or six times a week, begged for sex when we had it, did most of the yard work and oversaw what social life we had. If I had to sit and listen to anyone say I had a hand in this, I’d tell them to go fuck themselves.

ZHUCHI
ZHUCHI
6 years ago
Reply to  Beans

Great response and I wish I’d had your self assurance at that time. I went the counselling route sadly and endured all the rubbish outlined by CL. I’m annoyed with myself for that.

I DID end up emailing counsellor shortly after I told ex to leave and advised him his advice was shit, he couldn’t spot a Narcissist when one is sitting on his plush leather couch and in my opinion any future couple he “counselled” for infidelity would be far better served if he just gave the chump a link to CL site and Narcsite.com and then just politely told them they were both wasting their time and money spent on him would be far better used on good lawyers.

He wrote back with “I hope sending this has brought you some peace.”

JannaG
JannaG
5 years ago
Reply to  ZHUCHI

“I hope sending this has brought you some peace.”

Hahahaha. So, in other words, the counselor has absolutely nothing to say in defense of his BS.

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago
Reply to  Beans

Feelings mutual me and the kids where the best thing that happened to his previously crappy life, ungrateful shit as my friend said.

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
6 years ago
Reply to  Beans

I agree.
The first marriage counselor tried the whole “and how are you responsible for the problems in the marriage?” angle. It’s insulting and infuriating to me now. At the time I was in this free fall trying anything to save my marriage and instead of saying what I would say now which is:
“I’m responsible by not having more self respect and dumping this cheating asshole sooner.” At the time I would just sit and cry and think of the ways I made him cheat and how I could be better.
Therapy with these people is a joke. When you are dealing with a narcissist they often fool the therapist as well, so you are already at a disadvantage because you are counting on the therapist to make it all better and they too are fighting way outside their weight class.
I loved, I tried so hard, I gave my marriage my whole heart, and I didn’t cheat even when I was unhappy.
How am I responsible for this?? I married a shithead. End of story.

OhHellNo
OhHellNo
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

But don’t all you Chumps realize that “it takes two to tango”?!?!

GAG I got so sick of hearing this.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

My response to “it takes two to tango” is along the lines “that’s correct, I exited that dance floor and have been happily doing crossword puzzles instead.”

ANC
ANC
6 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

Yea. But the two people tango’ing are your partner and the AP. You are the unknowing hypotenuse.

The Chump struggle is real
The Chump struggle is real
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

This Beans, preach it!

I feel the EXACT same way. Years of being a housewife doing his share as well as mine. I was super mommy running church choirs, girl scout troops, mowing the lawn, taking care of the pool and still managing to look hot and be a minx in the bedroom at his beck and call.

So…NO. No sir.

No, I will not share the blame for his foolish actions and not appreciating a single damn thing I did and repaying my loyalty with gaslighting and sleeping with woman with the sad sausage routine that he was forced to because I was “so terrible”.

Listen, I’m not perfect, but no one is.

All I do know for DAMN sure I was a good wife who gave my all. He Just didn’t deserve me and isn’t mature enough to be a husband and father.

Two to tango, my ass….

How about ONE selfish person to fuck up a family?

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

But only one to end it!!!! Continue gagging!

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago

“Unmet needs” is a very short leap to the next logical stepping stone of cheater entitlement: “We just grew apart” (and it’s fraternal twin: “We just want different things.”)

As CL so beautifully exposes, all of these are specifically designed to lay some degree of blame at the feet of the Chump.
Which, in turn, makes it easier to become enraged (or turn sad sausage) when the Chump refuses to “let go of the past” and “just move forward.”

Lyn
Lyn
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

My husband told me after our 36 year relationship that the only thing we ever had in common was our kids. LOL

Aeronaut
Aeronaut
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

UXworld,

In your case, unfortunately, the “We wanted different things” is too true.

You wanted a wife.
She wanted an opposite sex wingman/non-exclusive fuckbuddy.

Sorry, I don’t mean to hurt you, but maybe that puts it all in perspective.

Hugs. Strength. Peace.
aeronaut

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago
Reply to  Aeronaut

Indeed, Aeronaut — makes me wonder just WTF is going on with last week’s announcement that they’re planning to wed in 2 years. In their world of proven dishonesty and deceit, perhaps it’s possible to be both. Not a world I want to be a part of.

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Or we just can’t live together.
No shit Sherlock after what I found out.

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
6 years ago
Reply to  Lady B

My cheated told me ” it just didn’t work. I never say anything bad about you though.”
Uhhh…..why should you.
I told him he needs to add the words ” because I was fucking other people to the end of every sentimental sentence he shares about why we split.
Ex: We grew apart…….because I was fucking other people.
Ex: we just weren’t right for eachother….because I was fucking other people.
Ex: I loved her, but wasn’t in love with her……and probably never was because I was fucking other people.
See??? They just don’t finish the sentence.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

Perfect ending paintwidow- so much better than that’s what she said!

Mine said the same thing about not trashing me to others (he divorces better than everyone else- more narc proof) I finally asked him what could he say to trash me and he said “I could lie!”

OhHellNo
OhHellNo
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Yep. History is being rewritten to: We just weren’t good together.

Agreed! You’re an asshole and I’m a nice lady.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

Word!

History being rewritten to “we no longer have the same values”

Agreed, you’re a faithless cheating lying coward, and I am a gritty lady with strong moral character.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

I actually used to use sort of a version of this. When people asked me early on why we were getting divorced, I would say “We want different things. I want an open-hearted, monogamous relationship based on honesty, and he wants a secretly polyamory relationship based on deception.” That generally caused nervous laughter and a change of subject.

Morse
Morse
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Amiisfree YES THIS!

Forever2bme
Forever2bme
6 years ago
Reply to  Morse

I’m going to save that in case anyone asks me in future, Brilliant line!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

(Polyamor o u s – autoincorrect strikes again)

Anita
Anita
6 years ago

Right on, CL. I have read a lot of RIC over the years, and it’s so sad to see these poor chumps putting up with these loser cheaters and Blaming Themselves for it. And it just goes on and on an on as long as the Chumps let the cheaters convince they were the reason for the cheating. Hell, I even did it myself. If I weren’t so fat and lazy, with a side of crazy of course, this would not have happened. Yeah, it would. I have friends, family, acquintances, co workers who are MUCH fatter, lazier, and crazier who do not get cheated on. The end.

DunChumpin
DunChumpin
6 years ago

The unmet need canard is far more egregious imho. If unmet needs made your spouse cheat and you didn’t cheat, then you have no unmet needs. At least not the type that make people cheat, so, in truth, the chump was the worse spouse than the cheater, because the cheater met your needs not you didn’t meet theirs.
That said, the self reflection and redirection that occurred because of this thinking really turned my life around. Additionally, it ultimately allowed me to see what a sick and evil year I was married to.

MovingOn
MovingOn
6 years ago
Reply to  DunChumpin

Yes– one thing I said that actually surprised my cheater ex (not too long after DDay) is that I didn’t think we had a perfect marriage either and that I wasn’t always happy all the time, but I didn’t cheat. He looked genuinely shocked, as though he couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact that he wasn’t always the greatest husband. This is certainly part of the cheaters’ narrative– I’ve given EVERYTHING to my spouse, and he/she gives me NOTHING! Now, I feel perfectly entitled to cheat! Based on my time here and in talking to other chumps, the narrative is usually more like the chump gave everything, and the cheater gave a whole lot of nothing and then ALSO cheated on top of that whole lot of nothing.

I finally acknowledged that my cheater ex gave a whole lot of nothing when I realized that I was a single parent long before I got divorced; transitioning over to being a single parent on paper wasn’t that big a deal for me. That was my big “a-ha” moment– I finally acknowledged how little he helped me when it turned out that single parenting was actually easier than parenting with him.

Azkadelia
Azkadelia
6 years ago
Reply to  MovingOn

The first time I told my cheater that I would have liked a man who was younger, more handsome, and better in bed, but that I didn’t cheat to get that in my life, you could actually see his jaw drop.

I guess his slut had him convinced those sunglasses he wore on his head and his shirt opened a couple of buttons too low was “sexy” (her favorite name for him).

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Azkadelia

>>”The first time I told my cheater that I would have liked a man who was younger, more handsome, and better in bed, but that I didn’t cheat to get that in my life, you could actually see his jaw drop.”

You get a standing ovation for that one. Pure awesomeness! 🙂

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

+1

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago
Reply to  MovingOn

This is me also, he was never around and when he was he pissed, moaned and complained and did fuck all apart from stare at his phone and pick fights with me.
He thinks he’s awesome however and did everything for our family, no you don’t get a medal for having a job especially when you spend most of the money you earn on yourself.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  MovingOn

I have often said this to friends – that I know life as a single parent looks hard from here, but that after you offload the immense burden of managing a jackass partner in your home, which is happening in ways you probably don’t even notice anymore, it’s likely that life will actually be easier in most ways. Most times that turns out to be true. Also, others become more willing to help when they no longer have to deal with a jackass in order to help you.

conniered
conniered
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Lord yes. Life got a lot simpler. I had free time. That was scary as hell at first. but now, I love having time to sit, relax, clean and do what I want. I don’t have to cook if I don’t want to. I already did everything anyway. Not having to think about him was freeing…if not incredibly sad in the beginning. looking back now at how much i did, I don’t know if i’d get married again. I love my life. I love how my son and I have harmony between us. It would take something really special to make me consider marriage again. It would change my whole life. I don’t want to feel responsible for someone else’s happiness like i did before. And i don’t want to play Happy House Wife either. I want adventure mixed in with my routine. I want someone who SEES me…not just someone who expects me to see them. Naw. never again. I know my worth.

Arnold
Arnold
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

When I got the court order splitting custody 50/50. my thought was ” I can do that standing on my head.” For years, I had been taking care of the kids by myself while working full time. Zero help on the home front as it interfered with my XW’s frequent nighttime excursions wih other men.
On this whole needs deal, I have come to realize that most , if not all. cheaters fall somewhere on the Cluster B spectrum, many with full blown personality disorders. THESE FOLS ARE BOTTOMLESS PITS OF “NEED”, that no one can meet.
They lack empathy, the ability to look within, or any semblance of a sense of fair play.
I had the same experience others here have described when I told my XW that I had dissatisfaction in the marriage, as well ( who wouldn’t with a person such as this as a spouse?). I could see that the thought that she had been anything less than perfect and that I would have dissatisfaction was a shock to her.
This is the narcissism of these folks. They can have decent intellectual ability but there is some sort of severe deficit in their ability to see themselves.

OhHellNo
OhHellNo
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Yes, Amiisfree. I’ve told people that being married to him was actually good practice for being divorced, because I did everything alone anyways. It actually got EASIER because I no longer had to do his PR, put up with his irresponsibility, how poorly he managed the kids, his unreliability, etc.

JustAnotherStatistic
JustAnotherStatistic
6 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

Yes! This!

It’s been soooo much easier on my own.

Now, because he insisted on 50/50 custody, he’s forced to do his share. When he lived in the house, he did about 10%. Expenses are down. I don’t have to pick up his messes anymore. (HIS, not the kids…. the kids are clean.) He actually (usually) pays his share of the kids’ school and medical expenses. AND he would play video games even more than the kids… and louder.. .and until all hours at night.

Life feels so much more in order now. I know how many places to set for dinner. No more awkward, “Well… I don’t know what to tell you, kids. Daddy said he’d try to make it home in time for dinner tonight. I guess he got caught up at work… again.”

Cheaters suck at being adults. Life is easy and enjoyable without them cheapening our lives.

Attie
Attie
6 years ago

Absolutely. I was doing it all anyway but when he left I didn’t have to sort out any more of his crap – you know like drink-driving, overspending etc. Life was SOOOOO much easier. I used to do all the ironing for 5 people (I didn’t mind) – oh and I worked full time and earned more than the lazy sod. One day he didn’t like the way I had ironed one of his shirts so snarled “I was US marine and I know how to iron shirts so I don’t need your crap ironing”. So I stopped doing it. Thereafter Mr. “I used to be a US marine” looked like a bag of shit because he was too damn lazy to iron anything.

FooledMeTwice
FooledMeTwice
6 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

Amen!

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  FooledMeTwice

Isn’t amazing how their no increase in the workload when a cheater leaves and sometimes it is even less- sort of defies logic- something they don’t get.

ANC
ANC
6 years ago
Reply to  DunChumpin

Actually when I presented my cheater with the concept of MY unmet needs, you could hear a pin drop. I made sure to make state statement in front of a 3rd party because there was A LOT of blameshifting early early after DDay.

Seriously, if ANYONE goes after a faithful spouse or partner claiming you never met their ‘unmet needs’, always retort with the factual evidence that you also had unmet needs. However, you did not proceed to meet those needs by fucking other people, stealing marital assets and discarding&disrepecting your partner, children and family. That usually shuts people up.

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

He glazed over at the mention of me having any needs or expectations.

conniered
conniered
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

That’s right!! Very eloquent and concise. I say this to other people and yet, they don’t seem to get it. I was in an imperfect marriage as well and I didn’t cheat. And it’s like it was stated earlier, we, the Chumped, are doomed because THEY supposedly met our needs….but we failed to meet theirs. That is so fucked and it infuriates me.

CharityFroggenhall
CharityFroggenhall
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

HELL YEAH.

DunChumpin
DunChumpin
6 years ago
Reply to  DunChumpin

That’s twat. For some reason my spell check doesn’t like dirty words. Hers will automatically insert lowjob as soon as you type “b”.

OhHellNo
OhHellNo
6 years ago
Reply to  DunChumpin

LOL!!! My exes autocorrect must finish every ‘f’ with ….acial.

ZHUCHI
ZHUCHI
6 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

????????????????????????????????????????

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  DunChumpin

With time and effort, sometimes the phone can “learn”. For example, mine now changes autocorrect to autoincorrect. 😉

MightyE
MightyE
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

I think mine has finally learned “fuck.”

David2016
David2016
6 years ago

Yes, this tiresome justification was trotted out by my XW as well–when she got caught. But over the course of our ten years together and during her affair? All I heard from her (and received cards, notes and letters as well) was what a wonderful husband I was, how I MET ALL HER NEEDS… So, uh, no. Unless she was lying for ten years and then only when I caught her did the truth come out. Not bloody likely. Oh, and then not only had I not met her needs, but I was abusive, a rapist, dangerous around children (oh, and prior to this I was “an amazing father” too according to her) and prone to rages.

It boggles the mind and at the same time is so predictable and tedious. Cheater’s Handbook, verse/chapter: “The Marital Rewrite.”

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago
Reply to  David2016

So true!

After DDay #1 he tried different strategies, from guilting me to trying to say that the affair was for the best, that he was unhappy for so long etc… He tried that with me, as well as with our kiddo…

I combed through our family pictures and showed his huge smile during our anniversary, our vacation, and our everyday life as a family… If that is what he looks like “having been unhappy for a long time,” he should move to LA because his acting skills are oscar worthy!!

MovingOn
MovingOn
6 years ago