This Is Your Brain on Hopium

Hopium

Hopium is a powerful drug. You can hand a chump the most desperate set of circumstances, and goddamn it, that chump will work with it. Let’s just give it a year! I owe it to us to try! Sure, I can ionize my needs into tiny, undetectable particles! You’ll never get a whiff of my anger, no sir!

Hopium says, sure you can leap off that tall building in a single bound, and not go splat on the pavement, because UNCONDITIONAL LOVE! It whispers, you’ll never lose a single sunk cost. Hopium exults, OMG he went to therapy! We’re good now! The Wizard of Therapy will give him a heart and we’ll click our ruby slippers and go back to our restored marriage!

Hopium lies.

Under hopium’s influence, chumps let down their guards. (Wouldn’t want to upset the Timid Forest Creature with your demands now, would you?) That boundary you had? It can wait. Those financials you should be collecting? Hey HE BROUGHT ME FLOWERS! That post-nup you were thinking of maybe taking his temperature on, kinda, perhaps… We can’t upset the cheater or they’ll run back to Schmoopie!

Chumps despise the suggestion that they’re high on false hope.

NO, I CAN QUIT HOPIUM AT ANY TIME, but I CHOOSE NOT TO, because I believe in the SANCTITY of MARRIAGE!

Here’s a radical suggestion for all those who chase unicorns — reconciliation and protecting yourself are NOT mutually exclusive. Sorry is as sorry does. A remorseful person will give you transparency and a post-nup. A remorseful person will run a credit report on themselves. But chumps, high on hopium, will never ever test this sorry (I SEE A UNICORN! He’s white and fluffy with a rainbow mane!) because they fear more pain.

Hopium anesthetizes.

Truth hurts like a motherfucker. So let’s not be pushy. Chumps fear that if they enforce those boundaries, the cheater will balk, and they’ll be forced to connect the dots that the cheater doesn’t really want to give up cake. That maybe the chump isn’t winning the pick me dance as definitively as they imagined. And so chumps will not test the depths of cheater sorry because it means further suffering.

Reconciliation sounds so noble. Bargaining stage of grief, not so much.

Put down the pipe, chumps. If you’re going to reconcile, do it sober with protection.

So tell me, what crazy thing did you do under hopium’s influence? And how did you kick the habit?

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Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
6 years ago

Wrote a long list of “Reasons I Want To Stay Married To You.” Not my finest moment…

Renee
Renee
6 years ago

The MC suggested we each write a list of the things that we wanted to do together to strengthen our marriage. His for me was brief…’lose more weight’, ‘keep working out’. Mine? Mine was ‘take dance lessons together,’ ‘travel,’ ‘work out a budget,’ ‘move to a new town,’ ‘renew our vows,’ etc.

The results of said exercise were very beneficial–he had a new forum to beat me up and he and Miss Plastic Parts have a ‘to-do’ list of things THEY are doing together.

CeliA
CeliA
6 years ago
Reply to  Renee

Ughhh. That sucks! Sorry you had to go through that Renee.. I hope you are in a better place now. ((Hugs))

NeverLookingBack
NeverLookingBack
6 years ago

Me too. I actually wrote in an email that I loved him. “I know that.” UUUGUGGGGGH. I know realise that I loved WHO I THOUGHT he was, and WHAT I THOUGHT was the life we were creating together. When I sobered up I learnt to trust that he sucks. Hopium destroys lives & dignity.

brit
brit
6 years ago

NeverLookingBack, yes, it does destroy lives and our dignity. Reading these posts reminded me of foolish things I’d done which I had forgotten. Such as accepting the blame for his unhappiness. I was a dancing fool, apologizing for him wanting to leave. It had to be my fault, X is a great guy, just ask him. I was apologizing for things he claimed I’d done years prior which he resented me for and decided he could never forgive me for. Such as not wanting to change our vacation plans two years prior when at the last minute he decided we should visit his family rather than the vacation plans we had made. I suggested keeping the plans we made and visiting his family the following month. That was unacceptable, Chump me cancelled our plans and scheduled flights to visit his family instead. That wasn’t good enough apparently and he held a grudge because I didn’t immediately agree to changing our original plans. As they say hindsight is 20/20, I know now these are all excuses to justify X’s cheating. Placing the blame for their unhappiness on us removing themselves from all responsibility. Chumps do what they can to fix the relationship, cooking the cheaters favorite meals, thanking the cheater for taking out the trash, thanking Cheater for letting the dog out. We work a little harder to keep the house clean, kids quite, running to the door like a labrador retriever to greet them. Cheaters don’t question their behavior, they justify it by placing blame on the Chump.

Anita
Anita
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

I like how you just use the letter X, instead of X. Think I’ll do that too.

Anita
Anita
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

“Ex is a great guy, just ask him.”

I heard exactly the same thing. He actually pulled out the old ” I couldn’t get a woman cause I’m TOO NICE!!! ” horseshit. Sure thing, buddy.

Living Well Best Revenge
Living Well Best Revenge
6 years ago

Actually I did the reverse. My friend’s advice was to list down the reasons why I cannot go back to him. So I did – it was a pretty long list – though some of it repetitive. And every time I felt myself faltering, I referred back to it. I am 2 years removed and almost 14 months divorced. Life has never been better 🙂

CeliA
CeliA
6 years ago

I love your name.

lostntx
lostntx
6 years ago

LOL DM! We’ve all got stuff that happened that didn’t show our finest moments. I wrote mine an apology letter for all the thing I did (at least accused of doing) wrong. I just don’t remember if it was after the admission of cheating.

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
6 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

Yeah…just joining the chump party by sharing my chumpiest moment. 30 some reasons after discovering the infidelity.

She had the gall to reply to my letter with a sort of “that’s nice” response and what’s changed in YOU to make believe we can have a godly marriage…THIS from an active adulteress who was still lying about her cheating!

Beth
Beth
6 years ago

Similarly, when cheater refused to go to counseling after DDay #1 we agreed that we would “open up about our feelings” so we could heal without a counselor. I wrote a long letter about how much he had hurt me, how hard it was to trust him, how sexually inadequate I felt, how much I loved him and wanted the marriage to work, etc. He never responded. Never in any way acknowledged the letter I poured my heart and soul into. After months of “I’m working on my letter to you,” I eventually quit asking. He never wrote it. And yeah, almost a decade later it still makes me cringe to think of how I begged and pleaded for a chance to make HIM happy again.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

THIS: I begged to make him happy again. I can’t believe how I once crawled over glass for the littlest kind word or attention from him. I was devalued to the point of believing my happiness could be earned THROUGH HIS LOVE. How fucked up is that?

Freedom from a disordered fuckwit is your first step toward realizing your happiness lies within your ability to love and value yourself… not within their validation. EVER.

Beth
Beth
6 years ago

Oh I did more than beg. He had a list of things he wanted me to do to make him happy. Not a written list, mind you, that would have required some effort on his part. The worst, most humiliating one: he wanted me to drop whatever I was doing and meet him at the door every night when he came home. He said it was awful to walk into the house after a long day of work and be ignored (by “being ignored” he meant, my wife is busy fixing dinner, or dealing with the kids but whatever). So I did. I even made a joke out of it, trying to race to the garage door as soon as I heard the opener going so I would beat the dogs there (see, he was being greeted nightly by the family dogs just not by a human who, other than me, generally have too much pride to race the family pets to the door to greet their human). I did that daily for FOUR FUCKING YEARS (literally on his part, as he stopped the affair but immediately started fucking strippers on his monthly business trip out of town) until DDay #2. Gawd, what was I thinking??? Hopium is a powerful drug my friends. Just say no.

Grendel
Grendel
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Beth. OMG! My STBX asked me to do the same thing. And I did. Please know you just changed my life! You literally just changed everything for me.

brit
brit
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Must be on their list of things to bitch about. I was also told that he would appreciate it if I made an effort to meet him at the door and would be excited to see him. At first I also laughed and made jokes about it. With X’s schedule as an airline pilot who bid for on call flying lines which meant he rarely left the house except to go to the gym and the “book store.” the airline would call him to fly maybe once a month which usually meant a trip up the coast and back which would only be a few hours. Did I mention X is the laziest person I’ve ever known?
I failed at greeting him, X claimed I wasn’t sincere. My guess is AP demonstrated more excitement at seeing X walk in the door than I did.

longtimechump
longtimechump
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

We did not have a dog, but I used to run to the door and greet him and shake my butt like a dog would. I thought it was a cute joke showing my devotion and love. Anything, just anything to please his majesty the king.

The other day one of my acquaintances called me an Alpha woman. What???? Me??? Not at all how I feel or see myself. But that’s the thing. You can be alpha in all other areas of your life and be totally submissive to one motherfucker asshole. And they know it and they control you. Not anymore.

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  longtimechump

Oh God YES!!! This is so true: “You can be alpha in all other areas of your life and be totally submissive to one motherfucker asshole.” That was my life. I will never, ever go back to that again. And it’s not even about being an alpha – I would be ecstatic with an equal partnership but submitting myself to the whims of a fucktard to keep the peace and win his love? Never.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Yup… Mr. Sparkles wanted the same red carpet rolled out when he returned each day. But, I have to travel to a global meeting for a week and I’m taking a train to the airport and coming home to him sitting on the couch almost telepathically asking “What’s for dinner?”

I have faith though, he’ll die alone taking a shit on the toilet some day and it will be days before they find his body.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
6 years ago

Just like Elvis did ! Keeled over on the crapper !

Longtimechump
Longtimechump
6 years ago

Ha! Cheater ‘s aunt’s cheater ex died exactly like that. In a toilet. Vomiting blood. Until he got discovered.

David2016
David2016
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

That is really horrible. I’m sorry you went through that.

chumpinrecovery
chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Yup! STBX wanted me to be more like the dog too when it came to greetings when he got home. Never mind that he certainly didn’t rush to the door to greet me when I got home from work during his stint as SAHD. He was too busy complaining about having to do everything around the house, complaining that I worked too many hours, and complaining that I didn’t make enough. Poor neglected soul. Funny, when I complained about him working long hours, I was being unreasonable because he had to work those long hours for the sake of the family. Double standards are another talent of his.

FedupChump
FedupChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

I did the same thing. I wrote such an eloquent letter explaining my pain, while acknowledging my role in our marital woes. I thought ‘this will break though that stone wall of apathy’. Nope. He never mentioned the letter and life for him went on as usual. I continued to bring up feelings I expressed in the letter during arguments, and he’d say he “got my point” or that I was “repeating myself” or that he “heard me the first time”. But aside from those statements, he never acknowledged the letter itself, or my pain expressed in it.
It’s dehumanizing to have my expressed pain used against me.

CeliA
CeliA
6 years ago
Reply to  FedupChump

Yes, that’s the cheater’s M.O. – use everything they can against you. That is why NC is so great. If MC is not possible, digital paper trail like email could work.

lostntx
lostntx
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Beth, mine never responded to my letter and never once apologized for anything she did. Again, it is amazing how similar they are. We need any annual party like new years to celebrate our freedom from the FU beings!

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

I am totally down with the idea of a party! Being free of these assclowns is truly something to celebrate, Lost.

Loulotte02
Loulotte02
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

We should have a Chump convention, held in Las Vegas…I’m sure the biggest hotel there could not hold all of us chumps…

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  Loulotte02

I would attend a Chump Convention anywhere! What fun that would be…

Loulotte02
Loulotte02
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Me too Beth :))

rickb89
rickb89
6 years ago
Reply to  Loulotte02

Ironically in the cheater capital of the universe

Loulotte02
Loulotte02
6 years ago
Reply to  rickb89

I did not know ! Isn’t it Paris, lol ?
I’m French, this explains my lack of knowledge btw…

OneDaySomeDay
OneDaySomeDay
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

+1 for the party!

Actions speak louder than any of their words ever. Starting to realize that every time a talk would go in the direction where she’d have to perhaps even slightly face or think of her actions and repercussions and that she was destroying me emotionally, she’d always say: “but you did this and that and you you you…”. She never even wanted to admit to herself her wrongdoings. She’ll never grow because of this.

Actually, she’d berate me for wanting to talk about our issues so often, and that I was reading to much on the subject. Even going as far as to say: “Yeah you’ve read something somewhere…”, as if I was just parroting everything I’d ever find.

Pfff. Okay, never mind. Still renting head space, time to get back to Meh for the rest of the day.

You guys and girls are all great!

YouDoYou
YouDoYou
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

The letter. Ha! I was promised a letter, as well. When we tried to broach a topic he’d say, “that will be in the letter”. Fast forward 6 weeks (after me diligently checking the mailbox everyday) and we finally broke through a barrier in verbal communication and I said in a light way, “Oh, where’s this legendary letter.” He laughed and said “we both knew I wasn’t going to write it.”. As ChumpLady preaches, a remorseful person acts remorseful. WORDS VS ACTIONS. PAY ATTENTION, PEOPLE!

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
6 years ago
Reply to  YouDoYou

Good point!
Words I received: I’m sorry I made a mistake, I’m sorry I hurt people, it’s all your fault you made me do this because you’re a horrible person, if you would only do XYZ I would stop hurting and abusing you and our children, it’s all your fault, it’s all your fault, it’s all your fault…..I don’t want this….if you would just do PDQ then we’d have a chance…… it’s all your fault! Don’t file for divorce….marriages isnt over… i’m not seeing that woman ….. it’s all your fault it’s all your fault it’s all your fault …… I want to see 0W openly ……i’ve been miserable for years I hate being a father I hate being a husband I hate our house I hate our pets I hate my life…… It’s all your fault it’s all your fault it’s all your fault…..you did ask 10 years ago you did why 15 years ago you said Z 20 years ago…… I made a mistake ….this is all horrible… It’s all your fault it’s all your fault it’s all your fault…..

Actions: Fuck OW, text 0W 10,000 times a month, lie, cheat, steal, blame blame blame blame blame blame blame …… Lie lie lie lie lie lie lie x infinity!

longtimechump
longtimechump
6 years ago

Mine too!!! this is hilarious!!! same, same same!

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
6 years ago

Hopeium brain: “he said the word mistake we must have a chance….”

Meh brain: ” nothing to work with, only option divorce, no contact, build a new life…… “

David2016
David2016
6 years ago

So true. It was like there was pitched battle between a desperate, frightened voice whispering “Hope” in one ear and a rational (though no less frightened) voice whispering “Ignore hope; it lies” in my other.

Beth
Beth
6 years ago

Yay for Meh Brain!!!

brit
brit
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

X agreed to go to MC, the afternoon of our appointment X tells me he wants to take separate vehicles, he claimed he’d forgotten where the counseling office was and that he’d follow me.
X purposely drove slow and at one point purposely turned down a side street. I went into meet with the counselor and after 15 minutes X arrived. He sat down, the counselor said something about us being there to resolve of marital problems. X jumped up, as if he were taken by surprise, what?? did you say marriage counseling?? Brit lied to me!! she said we were coming here today to talk about our son!! Brit’s a liar.., The counselor then says, well, since you’re both here would you like to talk about your marriage? is there anything you’d like to talk about? X replied, no, this marriage is over, I’m done.., then walked out. I was stunned but sadly thought there was hope. Today I would shove that hopium pipe up his behind.
What an ass

StaryEye
StaryEye
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

Mine would never go to MC because “they could never understand.” Several times he would go along with a plan, get in the car while I drive then be shocked we were at a family party. He has a listening/ hearing problem and a memory problem, “I don’t remember saying that!” Really he should get his head looked.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

What? If that scene were in a movie, no one would believe it.

Whodoesthat
Whodoesthat
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

That is litterally how mine went. He initiated the MC but in the next couple of weeks made everything so insecure it was a deliberate attempt to fuck me up so when it came to the session he just sat back and told the guy he was over and just wanted some tips on how to tell the kids …19 18 16 thx dad. And yes it did have to do with least child support possible. Hence my name ….

AliceUnderground
AliceUnderground
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

Wow that is some high level treachery Brit, sorry you had to go through that.

ImAPhool
ImAPhool
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

Damn – what an ass clown, sorry Brit

longtimechump
longtimechump
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Beth, my words diarrhea was for about six months after DDay. Said all the things you mentioned. We were in a long distance marriage and that was the only way to communicate without me bursting into tears and showing my weakness all the time. He would respond 3-4 weeks later to my 5 long emails with one. In between during our telephone/skype talks (mostly when he called to talk to son) I would also get the “I am working on the answers to your emails”. It was so humilating. And his responses were very selective. He would choose to dwell on and respond to something minor but avoid answering the main concerns/questions. That shifting of focus from his main offenses to minor ones put me to sleep sort of. I would put aside the main thing (cheating) and start dwelling and discussing the lesser offenses and he would essentially take control of those email conversations. Then when the time of his annual visit came, he showed me a demo version of the most ideal husband I could ever wish. I never ever had this kind of a husband. Even at the very beginning of our marriage. I thought that’s it! We nailed it! We are stronger! All we needed were those long conversations (mine, really) and open communication lines. Now I feel cherished, valued, sexy, desired, pampered, appreciated, I see him responsible with the kid, helping with house chores, openly discussing his future plans (!), responding to my questions about his affairs (although this stopped pretty soon as he made it clear he would balk if I continued pressing him, he was over it and I should be over it as well!). We made plans for re-uniting and ending this long-distance marriage which was imposed by him for various reasons. I was the happiest and bragging to all my friends we are good, we made it, I was even happy this experience happened and it made us appreciate each other and value the marriage we had. Hahaha!!!

BeenThereandWasAChump
BeenThereandWasAChump
6 years ago
Reply to  longtimechump

I had this experience once. I think he could sense that I was getting ready to leave. He was working out of town (how convenient!) and he came home for a 3 day weekend and was the husband I had always dreamed he could be. Loving, affectionate, helpful both in and outside the house and in the kitchen. One time as we were passing by each other in the living room he stopped me and gave me a nice kiss and I asked him “Who are you and what did you do with my husband?” I almost stayed because that was the husband I knew he could be – but thankfully my best friend told me ‘he is only doing this until you get sucked back in’ – and she was right, so I filed for divorce the next week.

longtimechump
longtimechump
6 years ago

You are mighty! And you listened to your good friend!

I did not. I discounted all my friends, family, common sense, my brain – everything! Once he pressed the “on” button on his 2-month-long-best-husband-demo I got sucked in immediately. Flowers in the vase, veggies cut and prepared for chicken teriyaki by the time I come home from work, greeting me with pina colada, planning and organizing the best road trip ever (not really in the hindsight), taking son to his activities, biking together, talking, talking, did I say talking? I said it, right? Talking! Sex, really good. This time I felt desired. Me begging for it from a constantly tired man who wanted to relax and sleep at nights and I was so unappreciative and only focused on my own needs! Now he wanted sex! Yeyyyy!

I can’t believe I did all that and more. But, the good news is, once he thought I was back in his pocket he relaxed again. And that was the motherfucker’s big mistake! I caught him again. And all of a sudden the guy that was interested in keeping the family and working on our relationship was transformed back into the entitled asshole he has always been. And I can finally see through him.

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  longtimechump

The “demo version”. Hahahaha I love that. I never got that ’cause it was all my fault don’t cha know. 😐

Cancer Chump
Cancer Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  longtimechump

This exactly. I wrote the letter. Waited for the response. Was told he was working on it and thinking about the cost benefit to staying in the marriage. Can you belive that sh*t? The cost benefit to staying in the marriage?

I never got a letter back that specific time, but other letter responses were always about how my actions caused him to lie and act poorly. The whole time he was still with the OW. It was never the cost benefit of staying in the marriage. It was about who was going to make him feel better about himself and that sure wasn’t going to be me.

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  Cancer Chump

Cost benefit analysis? Was your ex fucktard an accountant like mine was? Ugh.

Cancer Chump
Cancer Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Not an accountant but a VP of Property Management. Honestly, when I think about the downward spiral of our relationship, it really went down hill when I decided to leave the corporate world for a job at a local co-op. It allowed me to spend more time with our daughter and be able to go to school things. In his eyes however, I was a failure. I was no longer someone who wanted to climb the corporate ladder. He now socializes with younger colleagues from his profession, “networking” at happy hours 2-3 times a week. The OW is 14 years younger and I’m sure idolizes him because he is a VP.

Giddy Eagle
Giddy Eagle
6 years ago
Reply to  Cancer Chump

Yup. It was a double whammy — he missed the $$$ and bragging about me. Being a power couple was more important to him than nurturing our daughter. With him traveling all the time (and having affair after affair,) So if I was working 60 hour weeks, commuting and traveling, who would raise our daughter? Oh yes, we’d hire a nanny for that! NOT!!

longtimechump
longtimechump
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Mine was not an accountant, but a political journalist, and he would always say I was a red line on his balance sheet. I did not put bread on the table. I gave up a good career to move in with him to his country (language barrier, paperwork barrier), etc. then got pregnant. I worked while we lived together there (an an embassy as a trade commissioner) but it was not enough to cover the red line.
He was the main bread earner and would complain how his constant and long travels were exhausting (now I know why) and how unappreciative I was that he worked his ass off. Well, I now do put bread on the table, and big time. So fuck off fucking motherfucker! I am not your read line anymore!

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
6 years ago
Reply to  Cancer Chump

This. To a “T”…. the exact same thing happened to me.

Abusive motherfuckers.

OneDaySomeDay
OneDaySomeDay
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Same here, wrote her a letter about why I think it all went wrong and took my part of the blame, told her. I still loved her and that I still had lots to give her. Never even acknowledged the content to me or spoke to me about it. Never wrote back. That bitch.

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  OneDaySomeDay

Yep that’s a bitch move for sure. I hope you know the only “blame” you need to take on is loving and trusting with a whole heart. Every other damn thing is on the cheater. There’s a line in a current country song that I love: “I gave you my best, and we both know you can’t say that”. So true. We gave our best and in return we got a shit sandwich.

OneDaySomeDay
OneDaySomeDay
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Ah great. That sort of sums up what I took home from my talk with my shrink today; what if she’s incapable of such emotions? Maybe she’s just emotionally stunted because of her history? What of she’s incapable because she was abused by a sibling. It all makes sense.

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  OneDaySomeDay

At some point, at least for me, it stopped mattering why he was incapable of empathy, remorse, etc. Does he have a personality disorder? Is it because he was adopted? Raised by a narc mom? Because his dad died when he was ten and he lacked a significant male role model? Ultimately it doesn’t matter because whatever caused it, it isn’t fixable. The harm to me and to my children from staying in the relationship was incalculable. I can pity him (someday) but I can not allow him to drag the rest of us down any further.

OneDaySomeDay
OneDaySomeDay
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

They can only fix their selves, or they can’t. And I sure as hell can’t explain it to them. Sadly enough. It doesn’t matter in the end. No. Thanks Beth. ?

gaychumpdad
gaychumpdad
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Beth, you are right on and I feel the same way. No hint of any regret, remorse or feeling whatsoever about breaking up a family. But what a shit sandwich having to share the kids with this robot. The best is when I send an email about the schedule or finances and I get back – “great!”. Fuckwit.

brit
brit
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Exactly, they make no effort.
Sadly we believed they valued the relationship and our children as much as we did.
We made the mistake of believing they were normal.

Madam.Mango
Madam.Mango
6 years ago
Reply to  OneDaySomeDay

OneDay,
Me too. I was in a program that advised me me to write a letter acknowledging the things I’d done wrong in the marriage and apologize for them. Once he read it, all he said was “thanks for seeing that things weren’t all my fault.” That answer hurt as he NEVER admitted to any wrong doing…other than the AFFAIR. I felt so stupid afterward.

EyesOpenNow
EyesOpenNow
6 years ago

Did the same thing. 8 page letter of why we should stay together. Cringeworthy to read it now. Had to rip it up. Ugh. So glad to have divorce in the rear-view and be moving on.

Helena
Helena
6 years ago
Reply to  EyesOpenNow

Eyes Open, I did worse than write I gave ex-coward a sales pitch on myself and why we should stay together as he was practically on his way out the door. Cringeworthy is putting mildly

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
6 years ago
Reply to  EyesOpenNow

It’s also all about being in shock and devastation as well as hopium tokin’ that seem to the kick in the bargaining and breadcrumb needs of ourselves!!

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago

So true DM. Not my best moment as well.

DavidB
DavidB
6 years ago

I guess with 25 years of marriage, pushing 50 years old, you do have some sort of hope. Or it is shit I don’t want to start over? What I found is they may act right, go to therapy etc….. but the reality is when the moments get tough, she would not do the things required to restore trust. You know like answer a question or polygraph. Reconciliation ends up being on their terms. It’s just a farce!

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
6 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

Exactly, David. It ends up being all words, no actions to support them. He still did what he wanted (i.e. after we agreed it would be best if he did not take money out from the ATM — how he would pay his prostitutes — he took out cash while away on business…to go to a strip joint with coworkers). Even in a hopium-clouded state, this hurts like hell. He was not allowed in the house for a day when he got back from that trip, but I puffed on…it was not until another couple months that it all became too much to keep up the illusion that it would get better (or, probably more accurately, to want to stick around to see if it would).

Jeannette
Jeannette
6 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

Your not alone David B in the time put in welcome to the 25 year then divorce crew!
And they say beautiful things to impress you that they will work at it. THE PROOF IS IN THE ACTIONS!
24 and counting

ANC
ANC
6 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

Exactly, David!

Taking a small puff off of the Hopium pipe and swearing not to inhale, chumps will find DARVO from their ‘rehabbed’ cheaters.

All the therapy in the world will NEVER change the narcopath. They will still manipulate. They will still lie. They will blameshift and demand the cheater take some responsibility of the mess they created in the marriage.

Please remind your cheater that even IF you took ALL of the responsibility of the problems in the sham marriage, you the chump NEVER cheated. Therefore, you should put down the pipe and Nope The Fuck Out Of The Arrangement. Even after 20+ yrs, kids, investment and all.

ANC
ANC
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

*Demand the CHUMP not cheater*

YdontUStay
YdontUStay
6 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

Amen, DavidB. They’ll do the easy stuff, like go to counseling on my dime. Well, they’ll go until they start getting called to the carpet for lying repeatedly in session. At that point, they refuse to go any longer, and tell everyone it’s because the counselor (that they chose and pre-screened) is too one-sided. But the hard stuff, like answering tough questions honestly, signing a postnup, or writing a no-contact letter to the OM they’re still in love with? Not a chance.

FedupChump
FedupChump
6 years ago
Reply to  YdontUStay

In retrospect, I realize my lost dignity in defending cheater every time someone would comment on how shitty he treats me: “Cheater treats you like he can’t stand you”. To which I’d reply: “well, he’s just comfortable with me. He gets crabby when he’s anxious. He’s different when we’re alone”. Or once, when someone told me: “I like cheater. I just don’t like him with you”. I had nothing. All I could do is say “I’m sorry he makes you so uncomfortable”. My friends stopped coming over, and eventually his friends stopped visiting too.. Everyone hated the atmosphere my husband brought into our home. As an empath, I could FEEL their discomfort and did everything I could to quell it.
During my pregnancy with baby #2, I had my toddler to keep me company. He was going on 2.
By the time Cheater left me, he had driven everyone away, leaving me isolated from any physical support.
I had a phone and a computer and both saved my sanity. I was far lonelier than any pregnant woman should ever be.
My mom came to visit from across the country toward the end of my pregnancy, and Cheater suddenly started staying at the house again. Did he think I wouldn’t tell my mom we we’re separated? That I suspected he left me for another woman? He was just as horrible. He wrote in permanent ink, a line next to the 30 minute mark on the dryer to instruct my mom not to dry clothes past 30 minutes. (how fucking condescending). This happened the day I brought home baby girl from hospital after giving birth.
My mom was so upset, she started yelling at me. Asking if we were really separated, and why was he here. She talked about how Cheater was being an asshole and unappreciative of all her help. I was dead tired, listening to her tirade, with two nursing babes in arms, thinking about the drive home when cheater called me a fucking nut and crazy bitch because I didn’t want to direct my mom to walk to the garage to smoke her e cigarette. ( She was going outside on the deck). He accused me of being apathetic and that I didn’t seem concerned for our children’s health. (It wasn’t like she was smoking the thing in the house!)
So. Two days after having a baby (via c section) I became mediator between my mom and my (estranged) husband.
I cried for all the wrong reasons after bringing my dear baby girl home. Both my mom and my husband took what should have been a very special day for us. I’m disappointed in both of them but mostly, I’m disappointed in myself for not defining my boundaries.

MJB
MJB
6 years ago
Reply to  FedupChump

Hugs to you fedupchump for what you have endured. It’s hard to realize right now that some skanky whore has just given you and your kids your lives back.

FedupChump
FedupChump
6 years ago
Reply to  FedupChump

I didn’t mean to hijacked your comment column, David. I posted my story at the bottom of the forum but my comment ended up here… I apologize.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
6 years ago
Reply to  FedupChump

FedupChump, HUGS! You should have been supported by all involved. Instead it became about them and not you and your bundle of joy. This broke my heart. Well, I am very happy that you found us here at CL and CN. We are here for you!

FedupChump
FedupChump
6 years ago
Reply to  YdontUStay

My cheater got caught in a few righteous lies. Namely, when asked by our MC “Are you having an affair?” and answering “No. I am not having an affair”. We all know now that was a load of horse shit.
Our MC has stated that he likes my husband, but there are things he needs to do to work on himself and our marriage and he just isn’t willing to do it. My husband stopped going when MC asked him to go to a group counseling session where he’d learn more appropriate communication skills. He discovered it was for abusive men. Since he “isn’t abusive” he was offended at the suggestion.
The MC is currently helping me get my ducks in a row so I can get out. Yup. He’s actually helping me to get out of my marriage. He’s admitted that he’s never done this before as his job is to SAVE marriages. But my husband has gone so sideways, hes lost all hope.
Note- Cheater husband is definitely abusive. He’s never hit me but he has a habit of treating me like an incompetent employee. Or a toddler. Or a sex object.
He’s never treated me like a partner.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  FedupChump

FedUpChump,

When someone beats you on the inside, you can never see the bruises, you can only feel them.

Your strength shines thru in your posts.
I am so happy your MC is helping you work out the process of getting out.
Stay strong. I remember you have tiny children and big dogs depending on you.
In CN’s eyes you are already brave and mighty.
((((Hugs))))

FedupChump
FedupChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Peacekeeper

Thank you?, Peacekeeper. This forum and my fellow chumps keep me sober. I’m hopium free and it feels good. I have to do a lot of pretending… I don’t want to scare the timid forest creature into hiding assets or sabotaging my exit plan.
The children make it easier; to think how much better life will be without him in it.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  FedupChump

Fedup Chump,
When I replied I had not read your post below.
After reading it, I definitely see a younger me, so many things the same. Trying trying trying so hard to keep things happy or at least as normal as possible.
The cheating part of a cheater is just one aspect of their character. There are so many other traits that make it so very difficult for a person like you, like most Chumps, (just makes it downright difficult). A stressful, continual task.
So, again, I just want to say, God’s speed, tons of CN love and understanding along your journey.
We’ve got your back!
❤️

MyIntuitionWasRight
MyIntuitionWasRight
6 years ago
Reply to  YdontUStay

All of this! 100%

RussV
RussV
6 years ago

The 25 years is so true. 3 weeks ago my wife wanted a divorce and I promised I would do all the shit with her in retirement that she wanted to do (but that I said before I didn’t want to). Which I know was a big mistake….especially since 3 weeks later (I’m on D-Day + 3) I found out she had an affair….

KarenE
KarenE
6 years ago
Reply to  RussV

Keep breathing, Russ! You’ll get through it! Hope you’ve already got CL’s book.

Hmmmm
Hmmmm
6 years ago

When we had a split a few years ago Ex suggested counselling and I agreed to try. Little did I know that while I was trying to save our marriage he was busy planning his exit!!

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Hmmmm

After I had said I wanted a divorce several times, X begged for MC. In our single session, he behaved like a haughty ass. When the therapist asked why we were there, he refused to say. I explained, “He seduced a graduate student for 3 weeks then fucked her for 3 weeks.” [which was the ‘truth’ he had given me to that point.]

Now-X: “I object to that language.”

Even in my distraught state, I saw the humor in this. Needless to say, when I saw the MC individually 10 days later (the day I filed), she declared him, “not relationship material.”

lostntx
lostntx
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

LOL tempest! Objects to your language but him doing it is ok? Glad you finally freed yourself for that fucked up man!

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

Right? Being with a cheater before you see them for who they are is like walking into an episode of the Twilight Zone.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Ya see Tempest, our potty mouths get us in trouble.

Maybe you should have been more politically correct by saying something like…. “His penis went on a vacation with a grad student for 3 weeks.”

See how he wouldn’t be able to object to that language? 🙂 🙂

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Seriously… the hypocrisy… they object to the language, but not the ACTION.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

“I object to that language.”: also known as scapegoating.

It’s not the shit cheater does, it’s the chump’s reaction to the shit that is the problem.

Wearerhinos
Wearerhinos
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

That’s it. It’s never what they do that’s the problem. It’s always your reaction to it.

I believe that they honestly feel that way, too. It isn’t just a coverup. They never believe that they can be wrong without an excuse (or without someone else being even more wrong).

MyIntuitionWasRight
MyIntuitionWasRight
6 years ago
Reply to  Hmmmm

Same. Total lip service at the whopping total of 7 counseling sessions we went to.

Wearerhinos
Wearerhinos
6 years ago

Ha! Me too! Those three marriage counseling sessions we had at the very end of our marriage (and after 1.5 years of her affair) somehow didn’t save us, but it did allow her to sadly whine to all of her friends and family that “at least she tried”.

We each had to fill out a brief questionnaire before we started MC. I kid you not, under a question that asked what was the strength of our relation she put “trust”.

ZHUCHI
ZHUCHI
6 years ago
Reply to  Wearerhinos

Well we were in counselling for 18 months. MC and him also in individual counselling, plus a support group for him (yep you guessed it, sex and love addicts anonymous). He also went to to Buddhist meditation classes once a week. 18 months of this and he was fanfuckingtastic at playing the role. Oscar worthy (helps he is a therapist himself I guess so he’s understudied the part for years). We mutually agreed to stop with the MC and I clearly remember saying to the counsellor “not even a psychopath could keep this act up for this long – this is genuine”. We all smiled and nodded and congratulated each other on a wonderful marriage saved.

To cut a long story short, one month later I kicked him out. During which time he said “I knew I was bad for you right from the start, I knew what I’d do to you, but I got with you anyway because you were useful to me.” Within a day of leaving he stopped doing all the things that were symbols of his changed man status (meditation etc).
I was blinded by hopium for 18 months PLUS the victim of further manipulations and deceit of such epic proportions he really had EVERYONE convinced he was changed. Nah. Just a Lawrence Olivier of cheaters.

I really wish now that it had been a one session with counsellor and the the reality emerged. Instead it was a further 18 months of sunken costs and then a brutal, insanity making reveal of the truth of what those 18 months had really been about.

I am so glad he has gone. So so so so so so glad.

Cancer Chump
Cancer Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Wearerhinos

I filled out a similar questionaire with my STBXH. On it was a list of things that were important in the marriage, e.g. Trust, honesty, admiration, sex, etc. We were to rank each item on a scale of 1-4, with 1 being very important and 4 being not very important. He marked trust and honesty as 4s. Admiration was a 1. Obviously, he has no idea how relationships work.

KarenE
KarenE
6 years ago
Reply to  Cancer Chump

Oh, he sounds like he knows EXACTLY how HE wants his relationships to work; kibbles, kibbles, kibbles! And some cake for dessert!

They really are a different type of human. I wish I had known …

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
6 years ago
Reply to  Wearerhinos

Ha. Sounds like the trust is that she trusted that you would put up with her shit.

Vastra
Vastra
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpOnIt

Snap – we had 3 wasted sessions, one of which he said nothing and sat with his head over a bucket as he felt sick (temporary conflicted guilt phase just prior to second D-day). I also heard via friends in OW’s prayer group that she felt it was ok to be with a married man because we had separated after trying to save our miserable marriage with counselling. Yeah the sequence was a bit off, the affair preceded the counselling!

Wearerhinos
Wearerhinos
6 years ago
Reply to  Vastra

I say this about my ex all the time … it’s almost as though cheaters (spouses and affair partners) are completely full of shit ?

RussV
RussV
6 years ago
Reply to  Vastra

We had 1 therapy session….I cried and laid my heart out. I had hope…..10 days later she was reconnected with the bastard. Hope gone.

Loulotte02
Loulotte02
6 years ago

I wrote a awful long mail apologizing to my cheater because HE cheated and he was so UNHAPPY…
Not my finest moment either, @ Divorce Minister…

Wearerhinos
Wearerhinos
6 years ago
Reply to  Loulotte02

I pick-me-danced like crazy. It’s easily my biggest regret. I credit you for giving it a shot. You can never say that you didn’t honestly try.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago
Reply to  Loulotte02

Don’t beat yourself up… many of us did that… hell, I even broke out the photo album from the years of our dating… didn’t matter. His legs were so jittery under the table, I knew all he wanted to do was leave and go get a hit of cake from the OW. Sex junkies are like that, ya know.

chumpinrecovery
chumpinrecovery
6 years ago

Ha. I broke out the photo album too just to prove that we had been happy together as he didn’t remember that.

ImAPhool
ImAPhool
6 years ago

Yeah I’d send him pictures as reminders of our good times – I shouldn’t have been the one trying to convince him….I was young and stupid – ok not so young 🙂

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Loulotte02

I wrote a letter too. It was before DDay but after he told me we needed to get counseling because we just weren’t “communicating” well. So I communicated. Just before I left on a two week trip to Europe with our daughter and just after our 22 year wedding anniversary, I gave him a several page letter. I included the reasons why I loved him, some ways in which I felt he could improve and some ways in which I thought he could improve, all of the reasons why our kids are awesome (at the time he was being hard on them too and seemed to be embarrassed that they were not living up to his ideals), and my answers to some of the disturbing questions he had been asking such as “why did we get married so young” (24 and 25 isn’t so incredibly young), “why did we wait so long to have kids”, “why didn’t we have more kids”, “why did we give up so much for your career”, etc. What a total waste of time that was. I now know what he was doing with his free time while I was away with my daughter and both boys were at camp. Yeah, he failed to communicate with me about that.

chumpinrecovery
chumpinrecovery
6 years ago

I meant “ways in which I could improve” for one of those

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Loulotte02

Here, here, I wrote the letter of apology before I knew about the cheating and then I just kept apologizing after I found out. It sounds so crazy now. Learning not to apologize is tough. I now see how he blames everybody for everything and never takes responsibility. It was always my fault. Getting it from mil too- so have to extend no contact to her.

I need to stop taking blame for my children’s sake too because I worry they are following suit. In the beginning I thought I had to apologize for their sake. I was wrong.

I want “just blame feelingit” to become “look in the mirror assclown!”

Got-a-brain
Got-a-brain
6 years ago

I insisted on a post nup, not because I was protecting myself, but because I read that’s what I should do. Of course I felt super guilty and ultimately never went through with making him sign it… BIG MISTAKE! I would be walking away from this marriage with the majority of assets. So if I have this one thing to say to chumps who are smoking hopium … GET A POST NUP, Trust me, you’ll need it!

Sadly, like all manipulators, he knows how to work the system and he’s using up all the marital liquid assets. Sure he’ll have to split those with me, but I wouldn’t have spent them in the first place. Everyone tries to tell me it will all even out, but i don’t see how. If I’m supposed to split $100 with you, but I decide I want that giant stuffed unicorn, and spend $50 buying that, by the time you get your split you’re splitting $50, not $100. What the hell am I going to do with half of a stuffed unicorn?

Newlady15
Newlady15
6 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

I wish my lawyer grin the previous affair 5 years earlier had told me about post nups. He probably would have refused but it may have saved me 5 years of misery and the loss of half of my life savings

Newlady15
Newlady15
6 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

From not grin

Newlady15
Newlady15
6 years ago

I made the roast beef dinner he requested at the end of a weekend at our cottage(a “boys” weekend spent with AP I know because I looked). I still made the dinner which he then refused to eat. My counsellor was aghast. SMDH

ImAPhool
ImAPhool
6 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

I had moved out, but made one of his favorite things one day and went to his place and delivered it to him. He was so happy and it made my heart melt…I was young and stupid – a year ago LOL

Chumpalicious
Chumpalicious
6 years ago
Reply to  ImAPhool

I helped him pick out nice ski wear for his ski trip with “friends”. The was only one friend along (AP) and I helped him look good for her. HOW STUPID

FedupChump
FedupChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumpalicious

I shaved his back a week before he left us. And bought him new underwear. Gross.

ImAPhool
ImAPhool
6 years ago
Reply to  FedupChump

What is it with these guys and shaving their backs. I did that too. Ugh

ImAPhool
ImAPhool
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumpalicious

We are just too kind 🙂

MJB
MJB
6 years ago

I reconciled after the first Dday because ‘I won’. I wanted to keep my family intact. I had 7 years and a life with him. He saw schmoopie for the crazy she was. He came to his senses. He was having a ‘mid-life crisis’ at 34 y.o.-that I diagnosed by the way. The truth was it was all hopium.

Fast forward some years and there’s a new schmoopie. I saw the texts and email. He’s pursuing her. Granted she’s 20 years younger and our daughter’s coach. How about that shit sandwich?

The truth is, it doesn’t really matter why they do it. It’s that they can and will do it. You and the kids? Collateral damage because they feel entitled to their happiness.

MJB
MJB
6 years ago
Reply to  MJB

He went to 1 court ordered counseling session the first time and said he never loved me, felt like he had to marry me, didn’t want kids this soon in his life, denied there was a schmoopie. We work at the same corporation in different departments, I found out about schmoopie because she was bad mouthing me at work. Saying I was making mean comments when I passed her in the hallway. My coworkers informed me. The counselor tried to tell me spouses don’t leave without someone else waiting in the wings. Also tried to tell me my husband was dismature. When he moved back home, he would inadvertently say her name then deny it. I was really dumb for letting him come back then. My attorney said I’d be back when I stopped the divorce proceedings.

My mom told me this time around with second schmoopie ‘he’s shown you who he is twice, you should believe him’.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago
Reply to  MJB

MOM’s… they do see all, don’t they. Mine “never liked the cut of him”… she loved her grandson fiercely, but I think she would’ve rather I bred with a gay friend or a sperm donor instead of Mr. Sparkles.

Chumpintraining
Chumpintraining
6 years ago

I went to a lawyer with my ex husband to talk about the parenting rights he had over the child he had (allegedly) conceived with howorker. (I say allegedly because she was 48 at the time and the pregnancy was coincidentally revealed a few days after he told her it was over and he was reconciling with me.) anyway, there I sat in that lawyers office, talking about how we would co parent this as yet unborn child with a hostile mom who didn’t want to have anything to do with us. Because we were going to stay together, dammit and I was strong enough to handle even this!

Turns out it was a moot point – howorker (allegedly)had an abortion. Ex was so “shattered” by this loss – and upset that the “greatest tragedy of his life” was a relief to me – that he couldn’t go back to our life and our marriage. And he was sure our 2 living children would be just fine.

It’s been 2 years since that meeting with the lawyer. As I type this, ex and howorker are on their honeymoon.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago

I’m sorry, ChumpinTraining. The only silver lining is that you’re free of someone who revealed themselves to be a complete and utter jackass.

ImAPhool
ImAPhool
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Wow, i just don’t know how some people live with themselves. I’m sure it hurts like a bitch, but as Tempest said, you’re free of him so thats something

TiredChump
TiredChump
6 years ago

NO words!

MyIntuitionWasRight
MyIntuitionWasRight
6 years ago

I repainted and redecorated the master bedroom in the hopes that he would move back home to a freshly painted new start! Meanwhile he enjoyed his secretly obtained apartment and in the end got the house from me anyway. I should have taken a sledge hammer to the walls!

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
6 years ago

I continued on with a lot of domestic renovation as well in the hopes that a better life would follow. I’m a “nester” — make your place yours, and all is right in the world. This house we were going to be in for 20 years, we had for only 2 years before we had to sell it. The listing/viewing appointments/closing is one big, sad blur.

Newlady15
Newlady15
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpOnIt

Yup me too. 2 years then we had to sell it because he stole and blew away half of our life savings..POS

TiredChump
TiredChump
6 years ago

Maybe the paint color was wrong?
Seriously, I am crying and laughing at same time over this. Thanks for posting.

MyIntuitionWasRight
MyIntuitionWasRight
6 years ago
Reply to  TiredChump

The paint color was called Manhattan Mist! Hahaha!

Beth
Beth
6 years ago

“Manhattan Mist”. Is that another name for Affair Fog? 😀

Lost220# of Deadweight
Lost220# of Deadweight
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Lol!!

MyIntuitionWasRight
MyIntuitionWasRight
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Good one! ?

Physicgal
Physicgal
6 years ago

Had sex with wasband everyday for 6 weeks leading up to my 4 day trip away, only to come back and find the full length, full body including face with wedding ring on money shot video taken in our guest bathroom and accompanying requisite dick pics for pink cow et all. The follow up photos of where we lived, our car and children with statements like this is where I live, what I drive etc were met with muttered, murderous guarantees of “not for long asshole”. Quietly, got my “throw him out” plan ready and demanded he move out less than five weeks later.

TiredChump
TiredChump
6 years ago

Also wrote an apology letter for not being “grateful” enough and letting our 30 year marriage wither……actually said i had not appreciated his financial success, had focused too much on the kids and not enough on “us” and had not “kept our sex life exciting.”
ACK………….

Kicked habit by realizing he did not care at all when he saw me lying on the floor sobbing – after I realized he’d gone back to ho-worker behind my back. Then and there, I knew he was a liar who was using us both.

I also realized that anyone who preferred time spent having an affair with someone the same age as their children – VS THEIR OWN CHILDREN – was DESPICABLE.

happily ever after
happily ever after
6 years ago
Reply to  TiredChump

bonna fide member of this club. X could be the grandfather of girl-child

brit
brit
6 years ago
Reply to  TiredChump

TiredChump, are you my long lost twin?
I said similar things.
The day he moved out I was sobbing, packing a box of things I thought he might need in his new apartment, toilet paper, towels, sheets, dish soap…, X looked at me with a smirk on his face and said,
don’t you have any dignity? you’re pathetic.

ZHUCHI
ZHUCHI
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

One of those moments you look back on and WISH you’d said:

“Oh you stupid, vain motherfucker. I’m not crying over YOU. I FUCKING LOVE this box, these toilet rolls and these Egyptian cotton sheets and am really gutted to see them go. YOU however? When I close the door behind your shady satanic arse, I’ll be doing a victory lap of the lounge room. Now off you fuck.”

TorontoChump
TorontoChump
6 years ago
Reply to  ZHUCHI

Tears of laughter (and, who am I kidding? Pain as well) at this woulda-coulda-shoulda response.

Tango M
Tango M
6 years ago
Reply to  ZHUCHI

This is my favorite thing ever. Just made my day. Thank you.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

That is cruel. What your packing revealed is that, at your heart, you are a warm, compassionate, caring person. There IS dignity in that. What chumps need to do is not to give up our positive traits, but to apply them to people who deserve them.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I second Tempest’s observation… at your lowest point, you were still a compassionate and loving human being. YOU ROCK. He couldn’t take that from you and it killed him enough to have to make that ignorant remark.

Confusedd123
Confusedd123
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

Brit: Wow! Such cruelty. May he rot in hell.

Quicksilver
Quicksilver
6 years ago

I bought him a bicycle. He said he needed something to occupy him if he was going to give her up, so I agreed to the (expensive) bike. Not a proud moment for me, but it did move me along in admitting that he sucked.

13 Years a Chump
13 Years a Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Quicksilver

I have 2 dogs in my house that I am allergic to, because they were supposed to make him feel better (so he wasn’t tempted to cheat). Guess what? He loved them so much he left them with me when he moved out. The person who sneezes 24/7 because of their fur.

chumpinrecovery
chumpinrecovery
6 years ago

Even with the allergies you came out ahead.

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
6 years ago

Everything is a disposable hobby to them. Including living creatures.

Gaychumpdad
Gaychumpdad
6 years ago

I read him a passage out of the Bible about choosing life (cringe). I was an amazon chump. He went to a $35k recovery ranch while I took care of our baby. He then had group therapy for sex addicts, individual therapy and went to 12 step meetings. He didn’t work for 3 years. Pretty soon he had an email address that I didn’t have the password for. He took me to his therapist a few months later after he relapsed ( was that a blow job?). We had couples therapy on and off for the next 8 years. Then he left. Talk about sunk costs! 3 or 4 years later I still get anxiety when I see him. I think it’s the rejection and hit on my self esteem. I want that to stop. It hurts. If you are smoking hoping, STOP. It will not work with only one of you invested. They showed you who they are. Believe them!

Quicksilver
Quicksilver
6 years ago
Reply to  Gaychumpdad

“Group therapy for sex addicts”. Whoever thought that would be a good idea?

JeepTess
JeepTess
6 years ago
Reply to  Quicksilver

Hilarious Quicksilver! 😀 Love it!

…idiots and their insane therapy huh!

So funny! 🙂

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  Quicksilver

Well that’s easy – sex addicts. 😉

Or maybe the Certified Sexual Addiction Therapists who are almost all (wait for it…) “recovered” SEX ADDICTS.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago
Reply to  Gaychumpdad

Darling… the anxiety when you see him comes from PTSD… when you’ve been away from the disordered fuckwits, you start to “SEE” again and feel again and become human again. The anxiety is your body’s way of telling you that he hasn’t changed… and you have. Keep moving forward and try to stay as No Contact as possible. I share a son with Mr. Sparkles and our contact is almost 99% by text or email, even during visitation drop-offs and shared school-related events. It can be done. You’ve got this.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago

And don’t forget–with people who are not disordered and who choose a good therapist–therapy can work. Many of us who suffer from PTSD-like symptoms get help through talk therapy, hypnosis and EMDR. I still have some symptoms, especially a startle response to loud noises and a tendency to flashback. And I will probably be dealing with depression forever. But the more work I do, the better life gets.

brit
brit
6 years ago

Me, the classic example of a hopium addict. I was pathetic, picture an addict on her hands and knees, searching for the most minuscule granule of hope. No, no, X loves me, he just doesn’t show it.
You don’t understand, X isn’t a common, run of the mill cheater, blah, blah, blah, blah, X has a lot on his mind (strange pussy), I’m understanding and will prove to the world our love will withstand this silly indiscretion. We have been together 20 years.., X is confused, suffering from an undiagnosed mental break down, alien abduction? it could happen.., where’s my pipe.
Pathetic,

Chumptacular
Chumptacular
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

“No, no, X loves me, he just doesn’t show it.”

This is the feeling that I had one year before D-Day that compelled me to ask my then-husband to have a talk about our marriage. That feeling IS a red flag. I was sure that he would say, “Oh, I’m sorry that I haven’t been showing you love. I DO love you and I will make an effort to begin showing it.” Instead, he refused to have the talk and physically attacked me. When I asked him how he could do that if he was supposed to love me, he replied, “I don’t love you. I don’t like you. I hate you and I am just using you for your money!” I asked, “How can you come on to me for sex after that?” He said, “I don’t want to have sex with YOU!” I asked, “Why do you hate me?” He said, “Because you don’t make enough money!” I was supporting him and he was unemployed. I later read that this was a “discard” and that “any time you are being discarded you are being cheated on.”

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumptacular

((((Chumptacular)))) He never deserved you.

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

Ugh Brit, I was your twin.

GonnaBeOK
GonnaBeOK
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

We’re triplets.

WhoamInow
WhoamInow
6 years ago
Reply to  GonnaBeOK

Quads

13 Years a Chump
13 Years a Chump
6 years ago

I pretended to believe him when he said he didn’t steal $15,000 or so from the local non-profit that serves our disabled son and his peers. Money that I had raised by running a charity walk 4 years in a row. I kept hoping he’d go to prison to make it easier to divorce him. He didn’t. Instead, he made a plea deal that involved him taking out a high-interest loan in my name, without my permission.
Some of the times he cheated were times he got hotel rooms on the non-profit’s dime. That was all in the local newspaper. And I didn’t divorce him until this year, 2 years after the plea deal took place. But if you read the 178,856 texts I get every day, all of this is my fault and our kids will be permanently damaged because of me…..

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago

Horrible. What does your lawyer say about getting that high-interest loan taken out of your name?

13 Years a Chump
13 Years a Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I ended up taking the loan in the divorce, which was absolutely the last thing I wanted to do because the reason for that loan sickens me. But I got to keep the house for my kids, and the narc (who had the gall to represent himself) didn’t get a penny of my retirement.
When my grandfather found out about the loan, he paid it off for me so I can repay him at 0% interest. My ex has no idea.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago

I love your grandfather 🙂

Wearerhinos
Wearerhinos
6 years ago

+100000000

chumpittychumpchump
chumpittychumpchump
6 years ago

BLOCK HIM, he should not be able to text you.

13 Years a Chump
13 Years a Chump
6 years ago

I do block him when he goes nuts or starts hoovering. But when he has my kids with him, I am afraid something will happen and I won’t know. I guess he could use someone else’s phone to call me if there was an emergency.
Before I updated my phone, I could block texts but still allow phone calls. It was perfect, because he can’t be bothered to actually call someone. He prefers to put all his crazy in writing, and will email it to me if he can’t text me. And he knows I forward everything to my attorney!

Wearerhinos
Wearerhinos
6 years ago

As the father of a disabled son, this absolutely disgusts me. Your ex sounds like a monster. I’m sorry you went through this.

13 Years a Chump
13 Years a Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Wearerhinos

Wearerhinos, the worst part is that I am now isolated from the group I found support in.

Wearerhinos
Wearerhinos
6 years ago

That’s just awful. I am so sorry. I hope you’re able to find other outlets for that support – I know how important it is. It’s a shame that the group doesn’t understand that you’re a victim here. I hope they come around.

Your story just leaves a pit in my stomach. I am so sorry. I wish nothing but the very best for you and your son.

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
6 years ago

Wonder what else the Wizard of Hopium grant?

ANC
ANC
6 years ago

I am guilty of initially going to MC with the serial cheating asshole. I was grasping for a foundation of reality. He lied during the sessions. He stated he was entitled to ‘caveats’ (cheating in all forms with all forms) in the marriage. He claimed he was a GoodGuy.

I begged the MC to tell me what this thing, the cheater, was. He did tell me asshat is a narc with Sociopathic tendencies.

This was my Hopium moment- MC with a seriously disordered idiot because I am a warrior and CouldNotGiveUp.

Chumps, if your cheater is of the serial variety, I can assure you that you are 100% better off fighting for yourself and your kids. Stop the abuse cycle. Invest in yourself and your kids. Get your ducks lined up and disengage.

ImAPhool
ImAPhool
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

You’re absolutely right ANC – invest in yourself, your kids, your life. As much as it hurts to leave the life you thought you had, in the long run, you’re better off. Stop the bleeding while there’s still time. Stay strong

KathleenK
KathleenK
6 years ago

I completely bought the “sex addict” label and focused on that. He went on Lexipro (to help with the awesome man cravings) and I, feeling like abstinence would be too hard for him, offered up sex whenever the mood suited him. He often wouldn’t be interested in sex because of the shame I “made” him feel over what he had done. He didn’t like to think about that!

When I was triggered and thinking about the past, I felt guilty that I was shaming him so go to great lengths to apologize for “living in the past” because those things weren’t happening anymore. Poor poor sex addict’s feelings were WAY more important than my bitter angry wife feelings.

I was delusional to think I could save that shitshow of a marriage.

lostntx
lostntx
6 years ago
Reply to  KathleenK

It’s funny that i’ve heard one of the reasons for my divorce was that I was a sex addict. Yeah, me! How funny is that. I’m the sex addict but she’s out fucking the town man whore! In addition to web cam encounters with other men. That’s how screwed up they can be!

FeralBlue
FeralBlue
6 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

I went to a wedding shower an hour away in another state for a friend from high school. Not bachelorette party, wedding shower where we helped her stuff invitations while watching romantic comedy movies.

Meanwhile, Exhole is at a party WITH the Owife, telling everyone that I’m out whoring around in *other state*.

….he’s with his girlfriend, but somehow I’m the whore?…???

*face/desk face/desk face/desk*

Gaychumpdad
Gaychumpdad
6 years ago
Reply to  KathleenK

Kathleen, I so understand! I wasn’t able to be upset or untrusting because it would give him shame and he would act out. How long did you smoke hopium after you found out?

KathleenK
KathleenK
6 years ago
Reply to  Gaychumpdad

Ugh – he lived in the house for 2 years after Dday. On the bright side, it did give me plenty of time to heal a bit from the trauma of discovery and also let me watch him in a way I wasn’t able to before – so I could see clearly that he wasn’t remorseful, he didn’t take responsibility and he is a full on Narc. It is a bad sign when someone betrays you and you have to tap-dance around his poor delicate feelings. Big red flag! So happy to be free and moving on.

CeliA
CeliA
6 years ago
Reply to  KathleenK

It is a bad sign when someone betrays you and you have to tap-dance around his poor delicate feelings. Big red flag!

^ This times infinity. When more people came out of the wood-work to offer their evidence on what STBX was up to, the more I see his poor timid creature act as terribly pathetic. In my mind, I was totally disgusted and turned off on how instead of defend ME and our marriage against skanky howorkers, he acted as though he needed to protect howorkers against ME. I didn’t see a man. I saw a man-child and this made me put down the pipe and see the ugly person and situation I was with.

EyesOpenNow
EyesOpenNow
6 years ago

Even after DDay 3 and he’d moved out, I waited for him to “come to his senses” and choose me and our marriage. I waited for 6 months smoking hopium while he spent those months occasionally saying “I haven’t given up on our marriage,” but spending more and more time with Schmoopie until she actually moved in with him. But it still took him saying “I’m not breaking up with her” straight to my face before I finally put down the pipe and filed. I look back now and can’t believe I held on for so long, but after almost 25 years of marriage (and 10 yrs dating before that), it was hard to let go of the dream of growing old together, sharing an intact family of children and grandchildren. I had to face the fact that he wasn’t who I thought he was, and start to envision a new future for myself, before I could finally let go. I’m working on that gain a life thing, and glad to finally be living my own authentic life, but I recognize how intoxicating that hopium can be.

FreeNow
FreeNow
6 years ago
Reply to  EyesOpenNow

The hopium is intoxicating and numbs you from the painful truth.

XH bought all new sleek underwear, shaved almost every hair on his body and stopped letting me see him naked. When I asked him about all these new or different routines he told me he contracted Athletes Foot at the health club. He said it had spread to his genitals and he was embarrassed and didn’t want me to see him like that.

I believed him! Sheesh!!!

Now that I’ve permanently put down the Hopium pipe here are just a few other things I don’t miss about him:

-Family size bottles of Scope in every bathroom and vehicle plus cases of chewing gum; freak!

-Jumbo size packs of baby wipes atop every toilet and in every vehicle for al a minute clean ups “wink wink”; disgustingly gross!

-2 kitchen cupboards filled with over 60
different supplements, elixirs, tinctures, herbal remedies that cost hundreds of dollars per month and didn’t help Stinko Biloba’s mostly imaginary “conditions” and his search for the fountain of youth.

He’s all hers now ??‍♂️

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
6 years ago
Reply to  FreeNow

Huge bottles of mouthwash ? May be an alcoholic as well…alcoholics are known to guzzle Scope to get a buzz. Just sayin’

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  FreeNow

FLY FREE NOW,
YOU HAVE WINGS!

They are beautiful and glow in the dark!

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  EyesOpenNow

It took me about six months to put down the pipe too. He would do six things to hurt me and make it clear that he had no interest in reconciliation, but then every now and then he would show a slight glimmer or introspection or feeling for me and I would cling desperately to my hope. I also thought I just needed to wait for him to get his head out of his ass (Sorry I mean “come to his senses”) and come home. Eventually I realized it was unlikely to ever happen and if it did it would take years and I couldn’t live in limbo for years. I finally initiated the divorce because I figured he would get around to it eventually if I didn’t and the only thing I could really control was the timing.

EyesOpenNow
EyesOpenNow
6 years ago

Exactly!!

DavidB
DavidB
6 years ago

Worst thing. Going to marriage councilor. That being said, she was solid. Cheater thought she could shame me by bringing up I wanted a poly. When therapist agreed with me and offered to set it up, cheater started crying about how she was out to get her. Oh the full disclosure about her affair was half truths. Needless to say, cheater decided she was a bad therapist and we no longer went. Wasted a lot of time and money! Back then I was still a great PI. Found a program that mined phones for deleted text. Found quite a few nuggets disproving her narratives. It appears my unicorn was a horse with a glued on horn!

free2bme
free2bme
6 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

Or an ass pretending to be a horse with a glued on horn!

DavidB
DavidB
6 years ago
Reply to  free2bme

ASS!

Polly
Polly
6 years ago

I read a reply here some while ago which I cannot find. But the chump wrote that whilst the cheater is pretending to work on the marriage, they are cunningly sorting out finances, removing or hiding money, sorting out lawyers, spinning their tale of the spouses awfulness and undermining chump to the point of causing mental illness or total lack of confidence. I wish I could remember the rest. But it is so true. So if any of ou are reconciling then it might be wise to line up your own ducks and sort the finances too.
Cheers to the chump who wrote such wise words and if anyone can remember more please do post it here.

Lost220# of Deadweight
Lost220# of Deadweight
6 years ago
Reply to  Polly

Absolutely! Even though I thought we were working on our marriage, I was still keeping track of douche mcgee’s shenanigans, hired an attorney and started planning for a future without him. It’s a good thing I did…. I should get a nice chunk in spousal support as he continued banging her.

Kathleen
Kathleen
6 years ago

Two years of denial.. ignoring red flags.. terrified of having to reinvent myself, start over at 68 years old-
I hoped he would be the man “I thought he was” & stop cheating in my face.

After confronting them both at her house 1:00 am , hope no longer existed. They both verbally abused me, laughed at me, said things that haunt me to this day.

So hopium was gone! Knew I had to bite the bullet & kick him out then I served him papers 2 weeks later.
He’s now living with her saying how happy he is.
She knew he was married all along..so the whore won the piece of crap.

Hope can keep us expecting our marriage still has a chance, but with a narc psychopath.. it’s a waste of our precious time.

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

Kathleen

I too was verbally abused, laughed and taunted by the two of them. The things they said haunted me also. This is the way I look at it now. They built their foundation upon the character assassination of loyal kind person. It required lying, stealing, and demeaning an innocent. The cheater’s narrative was adopted by the OW and together they participated in cruel unjustified actions.

They may be sociopaths however they know the truth. What they now mirror is their own likeness which is an evil darkness. The bond they share is knowing and seeing the others false self. They are equals that found each other. The toxic belong together. We are free.

Kathleen
Kathleen
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Doingme

You understand completely of the humiliation, betrayal these mentally sick creatures ( can’t call them human) individuals do to us.

I still can’t understand how a spouse who we shared family, history, & trusted so very long can
turn to treat us so cruel. Cheating is enough- the worst a husband (wife) can do to you.

But to attack us verbally while we’re at our lowest point is demonic! They throw everything away for low class trailer park whores.

Hopefully some day.. they will pay dearly for
the pain & destruction of the family they discarded.

Hugs to you ?

Anita
Anita
6 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

Demonic is a spot on description for these asswipes.

FreeNow
FreeNow
6 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

Mine cheated on me sexually and financially, verbally attacked, demeaned and character assassined. He blew up
our 35 year marriage and family. This while I was fighting cancer and fighting him in highly contentious divorce. Almost 2 years of living hell.

There is no hell hot enough for he and his massage parlor skank ho.

I’m Hopium free and it feels sooooooo….good!

Chompingchump
Chompingchump
6 years ago

I started pushing my own children away because I had supposedly been “too focused on them” and had been “ignoring him.” Luckily not for very long before he ran off with schmoopie.

CeliA
CeliA
6 years ago
Reply to  Chompingchump

Chompingchump, they are true attention-whores. No matter what we do it never seem enough. STBX and I don’t have any children, but already he is imagining how the children would side with him as he will be the ‘fun parent’ than me. In hindsight, this gives me a glimpse on how he harvests kibbles just by trianulating people (imaginary or real) in their minds. Truly sick. So glad I am out.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Chompingchump

The night he told me we needed counseling (before DDay) my daughter had one of her depression episodes. When this happens the only thing that helps her is to have Mom just sit with her until she feels better. I was torn between wanting to give STBX my full attention and give my daughter my full attention. In the end I tried to divide my time between them both which was a total fail. It was a difficult moment. I now regret that I didn’t ignore STBX and give all of the attention to my daughter.

Anita
Anita
6 years ago
Reply to  Chompingchump

Me, too, Chomping Chump. That is my one largest regret, time lost with my one and only child. I’ll never get that back. Fuck him and the whore.

Chompingchump
Chompingchump
6 years ago

We had a big “renewal of the vows” in front of our friends and relatives. He pledged fidelity, we exchanged rings. Three days later he ran off with schmoopie again.

KB22
KB22
6 years ago
Reply to  Chompingchump

I think Chump Lady wrote something awhile back about couples trying to start over by renewing vows and that you can pretty much guarantee divorce follows shortly afterwards.

Newlady15
Newlady15
6 years ago
Reply to  Chompingchump

Hey you’re lucky. Mine proposed after cheating and we had a (fake) wedding in Central Park, thus giving him permission to steal lie cheat and abuse me every which way (massive increase in abuse) and quit working leading up to leaving for the final AP FOUR years later. Ughh love that pick me dancing

MyIntuitionWasRight
MyIntuitionWasRight
6 years ago
Reply to  Chompingchump

Wow. Same. Only it was slightly longer than 3 days (1 month) after our fake vow renewal that he left. Our renewal was as big as some people’s marriages. He more than likely had the lease to his new apartment in his pocket as he said the vows. He picked all the music for our dance at the renewal reception. In hindsight, I see he didn’t pick any slow songs for us.

KathleenK
KathleenK
6 years ago

OMG these stories are making my blood boil. So disordered.

ImAPhool
ImAPhool
6 years ago
Reply to  KathleenK

These people should be sent to an island where they can all go fuck each other and live a sad miserable life with the shit they’re surrounded with

KarenE
KarenE
6 years ago
Reply to  Chompingchump

OMG, who does that??? They are really pods!

KathleenK
KathleenK
6 years ago
Reply to  Chompingchump

Full on sociopath. I am so sorry.

Jodi Lynch
Jodi Lynch
6 years ago

We were friends for 30 years ~ married for 18 of those years.

After he cheated, moved out and ‘he’ filed for divorce and paid lots of money to shit can me, I tried to salvage the friendship, at least.

I asked to go on day trips together ~ to reconnect as the friends I thought we could still be. He agreed and said he would call to arrange these trips together.

After 3 months of waiting for the call that never came ~ I finally realized, we can’t be friends. We can’t be anything ~ well, I guess we can be something ~ two ships that pass in the night ~ oblivious of the other.

I pass his vehicle on the street and look away ~ he’s not my friend ~ never was.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago
Reply to  Jodi Lynch

When you see him driving his car down the street… visualize that he is TED BUNDY. He is most certainly NOT your friend. Hit the gas and change your driving route.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago

This actually makes me feel better about myself and why he chose not to reconcile when he had the opportunity. Although I did pick me dance to some extent for a while after DDay I did try to maintain my dignity. I made it clear that I wanted to reconcile, but that I wanted it to be real and to end up with a marriage with both of us as equal partners. I think that had a lot to do with why he gave up on reconciliation so quickly. I offended the timid forest creature by suggesting that he needed to self-reflect and improve himself too. He broke our marriage but instead of doing the hard work of trying to fix what he broke he chose to run away and start over with Schmoopie. That might be the easier answer in the short term, but in the long term, he will lose.

arlo
arlo
6 years ago

I told him he could “stay friends” with her as long as they didn’t have sex.

HAHAHHAHAHHAAAHAHAHAHAHHAA

Then I boiled myself in bleach and kicked him out.

CeliA
CeliA
6 years ago
Reply to  arlo

I told mine they could still be friends (with boundaries). I think he misheard the last part and they continued to stay friends with Benefits.

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
6 years ago
Reply to  arlo

Ha, boiled in bleach. It sure felt that way when I came to my senses as well. Good morning!

free2bme
free2bme
6 years ago

Mine knew exactly how to play me- he would text me that he was trying to pray (from him bachelor pad) but he felt empty, and not good about himself emotionally. I would send him scripture and started reading “Power of a Praying Wife” as IF I had any power over a lying cheater whose character proved to be lower than I could have ever imagined. #toolate

Thank God I was also getting financial records and calling attorneys and planning my escape between chapters of that book. I took it, but he handed the hopium pipe to me- knowing I loved him and the family and valued 30 years together. But what is so awful is that he did it knowing he did not care at all, but it served him well for me to THINK I had a “chance” if maybe I could just be a quiet, prayerful, wife and mom with microscopic needs so all the focus could get on the tender forest creature (love that, CL) as he worked on finding a way to love himself. Because when you are looking for yourself, and you are my ex, the best place to start is a strip club. Chances are excellent you will be there or in a hotel with skank-o-the-day.

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago

So many to choose from, but for the purposes of today’s column I’ll have to pick . . . the goatee.

I came home from a week-long work trip to Belgium (during which, I found out much later, the Carrot Singer had been in my house for sex for at least the second occasion) not having shaven the entire time. KK commented on it as we sat together on the couch that night, said it looked really good, and that I should consider trying to grow it out a bit. We had sex that night.

Understand, I am essentially the human equivalent of a skinless frankfurter: very little body hair, and my facial shave regimen since my mid-twenties has been Mondays and Thursdays only. But, I thought, here is KK — clearly in the middle of some type of identity crisis that is threatening our marriage and family, yet indicating she still finds me attractive and encouraging me to try something a bit different, shake the identity up a little.

I posted a picture of myself with it on Facebook and invited friends and family to weigh in — yay or nay? The final tally was about 50/50, but a common theme in the comments