Your Snooping Sins

It’s one of the more perplexing aspects of the chump condition — the false equivalency of “snooping” with cheating. Did he rate escorts? OMG, you looked at his phone. HOW COULD YOU?!

Trust is the social glue that holds us all together. Yet trust is also the way you get played. To be chumped is to have your decency weaponized. Of course you would never violate their boundaries…. as they are are violating yours on the sly.

But when the gaslighting becomes all too much, (surely he’s not really asleep in his car… in Vermont… in January…) the curious chump is going to look. This shit kills cats.

People, if you feel the need to behave like a Soviet spy in your relationship, it’s OVER. But most of us need evidence. And most of us eventually find it.

So your Friday Challenge is to a) tell CN what you found snooping and b) describe the profound indignity of your cheater when confronted with proof. Hey, those escorts were not going to rate themselves.

TGIF!

 

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Carol
Carol
3 years ago

My son told me everything, aged; 9 I was in shock a 24 year marriage gone and our dream home!????????????

B
B
3 years ago
Reply to  Carol

After 23 years married I found the text messages describing the sex, love and how much they wanted to be together right that moment. The circumstances in which they written are what really blows my mind.

She was texting her AP while she was sitting across the table when we were on a really nice date night I had set up. I was actually having a good time but I felt like snooping later so I did. She fell asleep and I tried to open her phone but the password had been changed. I remember I had installed my finger print (ring finger) as one of the unlocks a couple months earlier and bingo! It opened right up to the “WhatsApp” that she was using when she texts him.

Finally I knew I wasn’t crazy as she’d nearly had me convinced of. I was sitting in an attorney’s office at 8am the next day.

Silver Anniversary
Silver Anniversary
3 years ago
Reply to  B

My EXH used to sit in the living room with me at night texting his tru luv….and when I asked him who he was texting he would get so angry that I apologized…..makes me angry just to think about it. I was so stupid

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago

I think so much of our anger (at least in my case) is directed at ourselves for trusting the lying sacks of shit. It took me almost twenty years to realize that. I had not thought of the ass wipe much at all, as I was busy with life. Then he pulled some shit with our son; and it all came back. After some research on cheaters/Narcs I realized what an idiot I was. It is maddening.

In my FWs case he has made a big mess of his life, but you know it doesn’t really help the anger at myself. Oh I know I shouldn’t feel that way, it was not my fault yada yada yada. But, I think that a little part of me will always be pissed at myself.

Silver Anniversary
Silver Anniversary
3 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

I’m angry because I wasted 25 years of my life. First DDay was 25 years earlier with the same woman. I found there initial Facebook exchanges the night he left for good. Enormous lies he told her —- he restored historical homes (never, not in his wheelhouse at all) things abut our son’s birth parents. Yes I think they killed his twin brother at 5 weeks but they couldn’t prove anything, the courts/police tried. There was no trial where he sat in the front row every day and the judge called him into his office to ask Hume why, then gave him a reserved seat. Could go on and on.

I saw where they were back in luv in the first 24 hours and he decided to move 1,000 miles away from his 14 year old son and I. Yes I saw where he sent two dozen roses to her on my birthday telling her she was his muse etc.

I understand I didn’t go through the correct/normal grieving proses and am doing it now, or at least beginning it. 6 months after he left my mom’s end stage COPD got very bad – emergency rooms every other week for two months, then into a nursing home. She didn’t have any resources and was upside down on her house so I spent a month emptying her home with her best and only friend with my MIL and FIL (they have been my rock – amazing family). Then my alcoholic brother jumped into a pool of water under a fall at Watkins Glen State Park and died. His charming girlfriend videotaped it so I’ve seen him die. Not a memory anyone needs to have. I had to tell my divorced parents their son died. My dad asked me to pay for half the funeral (he lives in a gated community and has more money than God).

Two weeks later my mom fell and broke her hip. Amazingly she survived the surgery. Within a month she fell again and cracked her pelvis. At that point she agreed to go to Hospice 10/5). I’m thankful she spent the last two months at such a wonderful place.

The next disaster was my FIL got lung cancer. He died in June. Last month my MIL was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. Due to many things these people have been more my parents than my birth parents. I am going to be totally alone.

I’m sorry to dump all of this. I am coming to tests that I never worked through things with my divorce and 12/3 is the anniversary of my moms death. This is hard for me as I loved her very much — at the end she told me she thought of me more as a sister or a friend. This explained a lot on how she treated me…and taught me to take BS / abuse from others. Like any child I just wanted to be loved.

I just feels like too much to go through— DDay was 8/5/2018. I’m tired and soon to be alone with no emotional supports. Currently I’m trying to support my MIL.

So I thank you all for listening, this post just brought up so many memories.

Onemoreday
Onemoreday
3 years ago

It is the self loathing that I struggle hardest with even after all of these years and I STAYED. The mental gymnastics I have done are truly unbelievable. Shortly after DDay, I took my older daughter to Kindergarten, left my two toddlers with a neighbor and went to the oncologist with my mom to find out she had terminal breast cancer. It was a devastating day. I called FW and cried to him. He asked if he should come home. I was trying my damndest to be strong and shoulder it all so he would love me (dance, dance, dance) and sobbed to him that I was fine. So he stayed at work with HER. He didn’t call to check on me all day. I sobbed to a neighbor that Divinely showed up, I bawled as I picked up the babysitter, I sobbed all 30 min. of my commute to work to my sister on my cell (no texting, it was 2002), I walked into work and my boss showed great concern and tried to talk me into going home but I knew my colleague had made plans he was looking forward to yet even he offered to give them up because he cared so much for me.

My sisters husbands all came home to comfort them. There was great rallying. I type this nearly 19 years later and I am in awe of the woman I was. I shouldered the great weight that my mother was going to die of cancer. I shouldered the weight that my husband never loved me and didn’t then (new revelation, of course. I would never have married him if he had actually said this before), I shouldered the weight that I drove him to the arms of another woman because of all of my flaws. 19 years later and I am still FURIOUS! What. The. Hell? How did I seriously believe this was acceptable? RIC was so strong but I wish I had been stronger. There is a low simmer always burning. Yes, I’m still angry at him. I’m absolutely furious. Yet I’m also immensely disappointed and angry at myself.

audra
audra
3 years ago

I rarely comment but I wanted you to know how much your stories/memories resonated with me. I want you to know that my immediate thought was “what a STRONG and RESILIENT human.” All of that tragedy and you survived and kept giving love and good intentions. We cannot choose the families we are born into, we cannot always control where our hearts want to be, but we can make efforts to help others, give them love, and hold them tightly in our hearts. I send you light, healing energy and my gratitude for sharing your story. x

Beryl
Beryl
3 years ago

Wowza. And yet, here you are alive and speaking your truth. With parents like yours you had to develop inner fortitude. It will sustain you. Healing after betrayal takes a long time and while you’re healing you’ll find new friends, sisters from another mother, new family. I hope you get a break from the dramatic, some nice boring years; like sipping cool lemonade on a sunny porch overlooking a valley while watching the sun sets boring. Still peaceful boring. I think you can achieve it and somehow I don’t see you on that porch alone.

Silver Anniversary
Silver Anniversary
3 years ago
Reply to  Beryl

Thank you all. I know at this point I feel like my life is a Lifetime made for TV movie without the happy ending.

I know I’d like to find local friends, but with COVID and my sons special needs I just can’t see it happening. I sound like a defeatist and I really am no optimistic. Not sure what is wrong with me. I just don’t know how much more I can handle.

If anyone is out there near Ithaca NY let me know……

Tessie
Tessie
3 years ago

Sending you hugs Silver. You aren’t alone, you have chump nation with you.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
3 years ago

Big hugs to you Silver Anniversary.
May we all, at some point, have compassion for ourselves.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago

???? So much pain.

I agree with the wasted years. Depending on which lie I choose to believer from my ex FW, I wasted two, three, 10 or the whole marriage (21 years) on a man who didn’t love me. But, hey glad I could have been of service while he looked for the true love of his life.

I am fortunate as I had though not a perfect childhood, parents and brothers who loved me. My oldest brother was a stinker in his early years, (not for long) but he quickly grew up and went back to being the person he was raised to be.

Ella
Ella
3 years ago
Reply to  B

B
I’m really sorry… yes, their actions/ timing is often mind blowing.my two kids were under 3, I was taking care of them 24/7, while getting my degree( (full time)
I was exhausted.
Yet, when my h came home so tired, frustrated and miserable- I told him to go for a movie to relax- I will stay at home, no problem.
He did.
Only- he didn’t.
He booked a hooker, had a fun with her, came home – loving and appreciative ; he even brought me some chocolates ( since I allowed him his “ me time”)
When I think about it now- it makes me feel ????
Still- in my book- taking care of a person you love and giving them space should be normal.
I just didn’t know that the people you share your life with can be so cruel.
Now- I know.

Deb
Deb
3 years ago
Reply to  Ella

Men are pigs. I’ve been married twice. I’m not going for a third time!

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
3 years ago
Reply to  Deb

Cheaters are pigs that come in all gender identifications…..

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Ella

It is a horrible pain to recover from, finding out just how awful they can treat you.

Limbo Chumpian
Limbo Chumpian
3 years ago
Reply to  B

Man, I envy your decisive action to get the hell out immediately.

Eve
Eve
3 years ago
Reply to  Carol

My 13 year old son sat at the family computer and used the “search history” button to find his school project. Instead, he found his father’s Craigslist hookup searches. In a panic, he ran for his 16 year old sister. She screamed for me. We all stood in silence, looking at the screen.

Later, when I told my son that his father and I were getting divorced, son asked, “is it because of what I found on the computer?” So, yes, guilt and trauma for my sweet boy.

ChumpQueen
ChumpQueen
3 years ago
Reply to  Eve

(((hugs))) … my son was 12 and it was Christmas. My hatred for the fuckwit is profound.

Rebecca
Rebecca
3 years ago
Reply to  Carol

I’m so sorry for you and your son.
Age 9 is old enough to remember everything without the maturity to process both the resulting damage and the internal guilt/confusion over his involvement.
Be the sane, loving parent going forward but be diligent about getting him help if needed as he matures. This stuff may not show its ugliness until he is nearing adulthood.
The selfishness of the cheater knows no bounds.

ozchic
ozchic
3 years ago

Nothing too new or original. I snooped on the mobile phone and found two female co- workers listed under the names “Andrew” and “Chris” and a good number of calls between the two after 11 in the evening. There were also emails to another co- worker who is apparently “a queen, who doesn’t know her real value.” Apparently, she underestimated her “sensual appeal and was so important” in his life ???????????????? I was the bad guy for snooping and was told he was just “supporting a co-worker with self esteem issues” and if I told anyone I would be contributing to the ill health of his mother (she was fighting cancer) and “Did I want to be responsible for someone dying?”

Nita
Nita
3 years ago
Reply to  ozchic

This would be previous cheater (not the one I’ve referred to before. I know, picker issues). I unknowingly asked to borrow his phone to Google something, and a message to his sister popped up with “Good morning beautiful! ❤️ Hope you slept well.” Within the text convo, she went by a different name entirely. Another time, I searched his call log to see if he was still talking with OW. He angrily snatched his phone back, proceeded to erase the call log as I sat right next to him, handed the phone back and said, “see, I never called her.” I advised him, in that case, to call Sprint to find out why his phone was acting up.

Adelante
Adelante
3 years ago
Reply to  ozchic

I also got the guilt trip, only mine was about our son. My now-ex was desperate for our son not to be told the real reason we were divorcing, and kept pushing the “we grew apart line.” The ex said that obviously I didn’t care about our son if I was willing to deal him the trauma of knowing what his father had done. Funny how my ex never thought about how his own activities would deal our son trauma!

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

“Funny how my ex never thought about how his own activities would deal our son trauma!”

Or the trauma to you. That was a risk he was perfectly willing to take. He pretty much knew the wife appliance would cover for him. Or so he thought.

In my ex FWs case, he called me and insisted we keep a promise we made to his mother about living in one of our rental houses. I said that promise was based on our marriage contract, you broke that contract so all is null and void. He then threatened to sell everything. (like he controlled the law) I said “knock yourself out big boy” and hung up on him.

He called later and apologized, I just listened and said, ok Good bye “click”.

Asswipes think they are going to keep controlling us. Thank God I had an excellent lawyer, and he had a slug for a lawyer.

ivyleaguechump
ivyleaguechump
3 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

Consequences are a foreign concept to most cheater, I think.

Sodisturbed73
Sodisturbed73
3 years ago
Reply to  ozchic

Omg my ex said this about one of the many women he was flirting with by text as well “I was just helping her feel better about herself”. My response was “all this is making me feel pretty shitty right now, am I supposed to go find someones else’s bf to make me feel better about myself?” No response. Hm.

marissachump
marissachump
3 years ago
Reply to  Sodisturbed73

“all this is making me feel pretty shitty right now, am I supposed to go find someones else’s bf to make me feel better about myself?”

That’s a great one! I wish I had been so clever when my ex was saying that shit to me nearly every day about some new (or sometimes repeat) woman.

Mayabee
Mayabee
3 years ago

His dating profile saying we were separated and living in different cities (huh?), emails from women he had arranged to meet. Lots of Craigslist listings for women who do massages.
When confronted he said “I would NEVER do something like that to you. What kind of person do you think I am?”

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
3 years ago
Reply to  Mayabee

Straight out of the cheater playbook… trickle truth… I got “it wasn’t me”… then “it was me but I was just joking around sending those emails”… then “I left the hotel room before the hooker arrived because I love you too much”… I’m 6 years out… he’s telling his current victim that someone is “phishing him and putting profiles on dating sites using his photo” (these are very sophisticated phishers… they even manage to change the location setting in tandem with the office Mr. Sparkles is working from that day… amazing)

ChumpyNoLoveYouLongTime
ChumpyNoLoveYouLongTime
3 years ago

I got the “it wasn’t me” with my STBXW. I caught her tinder profile in which she stated she had a boyfriend who wanted to watch her with other men. Tinder shows location and she was showing as within half mile of our house. I screenshots it and she swore blind it was not her and was someone catfishing. Funny enough it was gone 20 minutes later. So the malicious person must be spying on us and knew to delete the account as soon as I found out. I said maybe we should phone the police, met with silence. She was caught cheating with nearly 20 people and my lawyers and few others reckon she has a personality disorder and a whore.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
3 years ago

All the snooping I did was actually AFTER DDay, after he left. He left himself logged into an old PC that I thought he only used for gaming. I found porn, but the most interesting things were in the search history. Here’s what he was searching for:

-How to hide cash
-How to set up a private post box for parcel deliveries
-How to get sex toys, handcuffs and sexual weapons (yes, that was the words used in the search) through airport customs
-What to buy your overseas girlfriend
-Local escorts
-Several FaceBook searches with specific women’s names in a country he was traveling to
-Best songs about rough sex (seriously?)
-And the very best one…why do I have so much gas?

He was also logged into an email account where I had the pleasure of reading how he’d hit on the woman who I referred him to for a professional headshot. Emails from a bunch of people that were after him for money, and various people he’d pissed off for a variety of reasons (I had no idea that he had this many enemies, over dumb shit like plumbing bills that weren’t paid for years. I had no clue). Emails from his twu wuv where she was talking about the research she’d done on mental health facilities where they could send me. In a few days after I read her email, my stbx called me about “sending me somewhere where I could get the rest and help I needed.” If I had not read that email from her, I wouldn’t have been tipped off as to what he was scheming. So I said, “yeah! Are you offering to send me to a day spa?” Idiots.

Snooping is painful and horrible, and yet, it was the only thing that gave me the insight I needed to understand just how sick and abusive he was. Her emails also revealed her shitty character and she was actually trying to have me committed. I wished I had a bit more of a surveillance mindset before DDay.

Yas
Yas
3 years ago

Thank you. I laughed my head of off at his last search. Today has been triggering and a painful anniversary of dday1. It’s been a few days since I finally moved out of my cheating brother’s place where I had sought refuge last few months. Unpacked my last suitcase after 6 months. One day at a time, one problem at a time. What a ride this year has been.

Back to snooping. Yes, both my XH and my bro attacked me on discovery. XH said snooping runs in the family – my brother has been known to hack. My brother called me a self righteous snooping nut and that I need to figure out why I have a spying problem.

Reality, after 10 months of wreckonciliation and gaslighting, yes I did check xh’s phone and that was DDay3 (6 months ago), walked out of my home and moved to brother’s. Out of the pan, into the fire.
Seeing messages of my brother with his AP few days after leaving home was by accident. Covid lockdown has been a blessing in that way. Keep me in your thoughts as I gain strength to tell SIL and fight my family. We are migrants and have no other support.

Yas
Yas
3 years ago
Reply to  Yas

Covid lockdown has been a blessing – I meant as SIL and my brother haven’t been together except for 3 weeks in total. She is yet to move to Aus but due to lockdown, has been away from FW brother.

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
3 years ago
Reply to  Yas

((((BigHugs)))) Yas
YOU are Mighty, remember that as you go forward!
Stay strong.
CN is rooting for you!
❤️

Eliza
Eliza
3 years ago

I have looked since finding out but I never found a thing. The only reason I know anything is because he told me to ‘get it off his chest’ but as he was telling me, I saw how proud he was of himself that he so masterfully deceived me for 20 years. He offered up all sorts of information like how close he came several times from being caught out, what apps he used and even how he unwittingly involved his dad at one point. I know more than enough but I would love to know some actual facts that were not from the lying source.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
3 years ago
Reply to  Eliza

That is a special kind of fuckwit… more sociopath/NPD leaning… they get off on watching the pain they are causing you with their truth… did you see the black deadpool shark eyes too like many of us have… they are pathetic soulless monsters.

Beryl
Beryl
3 years ago

Yes! The eyes. After I caught my then husband in bed at his office – why yes, a bed in his office – with his 40-years younger “employee” I called my BFF while driving home and told her. I then said ‘remind me to tell you about his eyes.’ The usual hazel color was gone. His eyes were dark, possibly black, no whites visible. In all 15 years, in all types of lighting, in sickness I never saw his eyes look like that.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Beryl

When I looked at my H, when we had people over for New Years Eve (he wouldn’t cancel, I should have) his bright blue eyes were a dark steel gray, peering at me through hateful slits when I looked at him.

Now when I think that I let him come back for even that week haunts me. He should have never had another shot at me.

Zeebee
Zeebee
3 years ago

Yes agree, this is sociopathic behaviour. Mine too got off on the suffering he caused me. I am well familiar with the black, deadpool shark eyes. I happened to see my ex’s latest profile photo online the other day, and the dead, black eyes are still there.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  Eliza

Eliza,

My situation is similar, including the obvious pride in what he had pulled off. He bragged about where they’d had sex in the house. “Yes, our bed. Oh, and that sofa, too.” I think it was thrilling for him to come clean.

Anna
Anna
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Oh my, yes
My h’s dday confession sounded more like bragging while I was sitting next to him, absolutely frozen, complete emotional shut down.
He was providing details with a golden nuggets in between
“ oh yeah, I was crazy about her, but she didn’t want to see me again- it was driving me nuts”
“ well, this escort looked a bit chubbier than her profile pic, but since we already met….”
“ yes, I got lost on the way to the hotel ( foreign country, inability to communicate- yet, the drive to see this one particular hooker was overwhelming) and it was pretty dangerous, but after all I made it”
“ I’m sorry, but I was not on vacation. Expecting gifts after my 14 days business trip is just over the top. You should know better”——- after I was taking care of our children, house, work and my grad school, while he was “ working hard” overseas aka screwing as many escorts as he was able to book
Yes, shame on me

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Your ex and mine sound similar.

Just two month before Dday (25 Dec) he stated after some whore grabbed him at the park Halloween event, that “Susie wouldn’t believe I was cheating, unless I told her” He said that after my best friend made a sarcastic remark about the whore. He seemed so proud of it. I felt a chill run down my spine, but I kept quiet; it was the beginning of the end for me. Of course it had ended way before that, I just didn’t know it.

Note: she was not the whore he was screwing, he was screwing that whores best friend, who was his employee. A month later he sat the both of them at our table for his work Christmas/award party. I could tell he was sweating like a hooker in the front pew. I knew then something was up, but still didn’t think it was either of them because; one) neither of them were very attractive, and two) surely he wouldn’t sit his whore at our table. Guess I was wrong on both counts.

He rubbed my face in it several times as I was to find out later. Hope, it was worth it to him.

SwissChump
SwissChump
3 years ago

I knew about the affair, but we were in counseling and he swore that he had stopped seeing the OW a year before and blah, blah, blah.

He borrowed my laptop and forgot to log out of his email.

He was still seeing the other woman. In fact, she wasn’t his only schmoopie. Oh, and did you know you can order drugs on the dark web using your real email address? Turns out you can!

He didn’t try to deny this time around, but he did explain himself that he was so weak and he didn’t want to hurt me so that’s why he lied to me.

Beans
Beans
3 years ago
Reply to  SwissChump

Yeah it’s funny how they always feel like the “you finding out” part would hurt you so badly. That’s where they truly failed you see. Not the, you know, part where they actually DID all that shit.

Now that I think about it that makes sense though! People who compartmentalize their lives like they do truly believe in out of sight, out of mind. It’s like the second they’re in front of you it happened on some other plane. At least my ex acted like that.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
3 years ago

Charges on credit cards for things only a woman would use and that I never received; the *inability* to snoop on his cell phone, always with a password.

Ony the address changes…

nutmegpixy
nutmegpixy
3 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

Nothing original with mine. We had separate bank accounts. Stupid me. He bragged that I didn’t know how much money he had in his account. So one day I opened his bank statements. Tons of charges for hotels on nights he was allegedly working serving warrants. My ex is a police officer. Tons of charges for gifts from Tiffany’s, Coach, that I didn’t receive. A charge to the Poconos Cove Haven couples resort and an email for 2 tickets to a Nascar Race out of town that was coming up but he conveniently never mentioned. When I said something to him he got angry that I snooped. Then he proceeded to gaslight by telling me he was helping a fellow police officer cheat and his friend didn’t want to leave a trail back to his house hence my ex “charging” all these goods and services for his “friend” . Then he told me he was sleeping with the Sheriff’s wife and went to orgies!! Then he said he made it all up because he was angry that I snooped! WTF!

SwissChump
SwissChump
3 years ago
Reply to  nutmegpixy

Oh my word, there was a charge for $2000 at Tiffany’s on my STBX’s card that I discovered years before. He said he wanted to have a wedding ring (he “lost” his years before) and so he ordered a special one. We live in Switzerland. This was a charge in Philadelphia, where he’d been on a business trip. He said he would pick it up the next time he was in the US.

Uh-huh. Turns out it was a bracelet for his schmoopie. Bought on my birthday.

Peregrine
Peregrine
3 years ago
Reply to  SwissChump

ugh, Tiffany’s is so gauche – they have no imagination.

SwissChump
SwissChump
3 years ago
Reply to  Peregrine

Also ridiculously expensive. He could have gotten the same type of bracelet for half the price somewhere else.

Sodisturbed73
Sodisturbed73
3 years ago
Reply to  SwissChump

Ugh. My last birthday that we were together, he spent the entire fancy lunch texting one of his OW making plans to meet up the next day. I knew he was texting another woman but didn’t want to ruin the day because he would explode with rage if I said anything and we had a two hour drive back home. I quietly ate my birthday shit sandwich. I’ll never do that again.

Elisa
Elisa
3 years ago
Reply to  Sodisturbed73

So disturb

Oh, our chumpy way of keeping a peace
On my 30 th bday( we were visiting his family)
After a huge fight night before ( something really stupid- I was trying to make a plan for our getaway without kids, and ended up being called selfish)
he left me alone with two kids, no money, no car , to go to the city- just my MIL/SIL in the house.
No one remembered my bday, until the
“ surprise cake” was delivered at 5 pm with a huge bouquet ???? of roses ( roses are the only flowers I don’t like)
Image management anyone?
MIL was amazed how amazing her son is, kids were excited to eat the cake, and I was furious.
At 6 pm Mr. Wonderful came back from his business meetings and was greeted as a hero.

I wanted to smash the cake, set the roses on fire and leave.
Instead… I ate my shitty bday sandwich like a good chump

DOCTOR's1stWife&3Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&3Kids
3 years ago
Reply to  SwissChump

Swiss,

Bought on your birthday? Ouch.

Classy. I found charges for Hooters on my birthday but no, I wasn’t there…

Gill
Gill
3 years ago

When confronted about the emails from 2 dating sites confirming his account and change of passwords etc my ex flew off the handle and said someone we knew had hacked into his email and Facebook account…. I never believed him but had kind of kidded myself maybe he was just looking. D Day came a year after this when I received a message from a woman who he had met on a dating site who with some detective work had worked out he had given her a false name and in fact a whole fabricated different life and wasn’t single like he claimed. My advice? Trust your gut feeling like CL says if you feel the need to go snooping your relationship is already over.

BetterOffAlone
BetterOffAlone
3 years ago
Reply to  Gill

We were in couples therapy that HE wanted, trying to work things out. I went on his iPad… I swiped out and saw his mail was open. There was the email from an online dating site that he joined while we were in therapy and two emails saying he winked at specific girls and the messages were waiting from them. I screenshot them and told him they looked lovely and good luck with them. He swore he didn’t message them back. Needless to say we are getting divorced.

Badmovie19
Badmovie19
3 years ago
Reply to  BetterOffAlone

Yep I checked the IPad history. He had googled “how to leave the love of your life?” Not sure if that was for me or married OW. What also popped up was adult friend finder and the Best Western in a nearby city. ????

Better Off
Better Off
3 years ago

I found his Viagra prescription in his glove compartment. He said he didn’t want me to know he had them as He didn’t want me to demand sex. He flew into dramatics and said he couldn’t live like this. It really was an Oscar winning performance..
For the record, I work(ed) full time, cared for my elderly father and was/is a devoted mom to our 2 children. Demanding sex wasn’t high on my list of priorities.

JustRight
JustRight
3 years ago
Reply to  Better Off

I dont understand the viagra. I found viagra in a stash in our bathroom days before the discard (34 years married). Was it for ‘us’ or do these FW need it for their two luvs? Really, I feel like I have no idea about these things. Anyone can explain for me?

Peregrine
Peregrine
3 years ago
Reply to  Better Off

The dramatics!! It is a typical ploy of any small time criminal to make a huge scene to divert attention from the crime. I don’t miss the dramatics at all. Or the yelling. Or him. Or the triangulation. I just realized I didn’t smile at home for a good year. Yep, he was having a relationship with that other woman for that year. Trust your gut, for real. I will never question mine ever again. I learned a lot from that dumb ass. Oh, and he won a REAL TURD and so did she. They took the trash out for me. I do miss some things, but none of them have anything to do with him.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  Peregrine

Agree. Trust your gut.

What frightens me, though, is that my gut didn’t give me any warning (and I always thought I was so perceptive). It was out to lunch for 2 1/2 years, probably out of commission after trying to digest decades of shit sandwiches.

I think it’s slowly recovering.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

I knew he wasn’t treating me right. I questioned him, “Oh it is just work pressure, I just need some space, etc” I backed off and let them go at it. Never knew I was in a competition. Wouldn’t have mattered anyway, but if I had trusted my gut; maybe I could have been free a year sooner, and not been so humiliated.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  Better Off

Ugh. Mine started the Viagra, too, but he said it was for *us*. But I remember asking him after we’d had sex if he’d taken a viagra, and he seemed angry that I would ask. Basically, he took it once with me to practice so he’d be ready to use it when with his AP. I feel so used.

Imagine justifying that behavior.

Mind you, this is a man who always considered himself morally superior. A real high-horse asshole.

Meg
Meg
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Oh gosh the same thing happened to me. He worked out of town and came home once a month. Since he’d blamed and shamed me in his “I deserve a wife and a mistress” speech and had reluctantly agreed to not have an affair (he lied), I was surprised on those weekends that he could keep going for a very long time, since in the past 30 years he was a quick ejaculator. I realized later he was taking Viagra or something like it. In the divorce deposition he denied taking Viagra with a smug expression but guess what? Lots of other names for it. I saw once that there is a greater incidence of melanoma in men who’ve taken Viagra. Huh.

Wiser Now
Wiser Now
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

The exact same thing happened to me. Used it on me once to make sure it worked, I guess.

They really all are pieces of shit, aren’t they?

BetterOffAlone
BetterOffAlone
3 years ago
Reply to  Wiser Now

Wow! Mine didn’t tell me he went to get them. Then I got the pharmacy text that a prescription was ready. He didn’t want to talk about it. Said he never filled it. Then I found an empty bottle that was refilled before he went to a business trip. Said he used them on himself. Whatever.

M.J.
M.J.
3 years ago

I found one of his bank statements laying around in our living room: he had paid for a hotel room in a city close to our home on a day he was supposed to be on a business trip. I went through his things and found a receipt for a pair of very expensive Ray Ban sunglasses he had ordered online and had had delivered at work. When I saw a woman’s name on other bank statements I looked her up on Instagram and she had posted photos of herself, wearing her new Ray Ban sunglasses. Then I found a note book from when he was visiting his biological family in Asia. Turned out that during the 18 years (married for 13 and 2 kids) we were together he had been paying to have sex with prostitutes and taking notes and rating them. When I confronted him he was upset that I had gone through his belongings, because he never had anything that really belonged to him when he was little before he was adopted and he felt that I didn’t respect his privacy. His mother also got upset with me for the same reason.

Cuzchump
Cuzchump
3 years ago

I found out at first by happenstance. My ex asked me to help him change his password on his gmail account. I saw numerous emails from facebook messenger. I only could see her responses. She told him she wanted to be with him. Sent him emojis with hearts for eyes. Told him it was raining up her way to bring a tarp. Stupid me askef him about it. He immediately deteleted them. He then said there was nothing going on. She is just a friendly person.
I figured out his Facebook password. Stalked her page. I found a pitcure of my ex at her 50th birthday party. On our cell phone bills they texted or talked to each other dozens of times a day. The more I dug the more I found. When I showed him proff he still denied the affair. And shamed me for digging into his personal business.

ChChChChump
ChChChChump
3 years ago
Reply to  Cuzchump

Happenstance also for me.

DDay#3 (20 years after DDay#2): I had received a text from our phone service saying I was almost out of minutes – had no idea why. Checked the account and found HOURS of calls and many HUNDREDS of texts to and from a single number. Took about 8 seconds to figure it out.

He was ‘at his office’ on a day he didn’t need to work. I called his cell from mine and when he picked up I called the “mystery” number from my landline. I heard the ‘mystery number’ ringing simultaneously both through my cell phone and through my landline. Told him I needed to talk to him about a certain phone number. Then told him that was ME calling on HER line, so I knew who he was with.

Months previously he had told me his computer password, so before he got home I had no trouble copying all of their email communications – he had deleted them, but most were captured on Apple Time Machine. He was mostly resigned to me having the info, but SHE hit the roof, begging and then demanding that I erase all of her goopy, drippy purple prose – truly worthy of the Bulwer-Lytton prize.

Instead I wound up sharing the emails with her family and with my church elders when they wanted to know why I objected to her stated intention to start coming to my church. I was NOT yet at meh, and knowing what I know now I wouldn’t recommend doing what I did. The emails also had extended commentary disparaging other guys she had ‘dated’ in the dance community we were all members of – I ALMOST sent copies of those to her former “friends” but decided that I shouldn’t cause THEM unnecessary humiliation.

WrecktheRIC
WrecktheRIC
3 years ago
Reply to  ChChChChump

I always dream of releasing the emails to his family so they can see what a truly deceitful human he is. Why do you recommend against?

ChChChChump
ChChChChump
3 years ago
Reply to  WrecktheRIC

I don’t recommend sending the evidence to the family for the reasons given by Karen E and Sucker Punched. Also in my case OW convinced her family that I was threatening them, and they started (did not follow through) on an order of protection against me.

KarenE
KarenE
3 years ago
Reply to  WrecktheRIC

Because it keeps you tied into their drama, while the goal is to leave all that behind.

You absolutely can do it if you can’t resist, but don’t expect the results to be as you hope. His family likely either has a pretty good idea who he is and don’t care, or they’re the tree that apple didn’t fall far from.

We’d all like there to be some justice in this world and for cheaters to get their come uppance. They often do, but simply because of their crap life skills and low quality as relationship partners, parents, friends etc. But we don’t have control over that, and our lives are better when we can let go.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
3 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

Karen,
You’re spot on in your advice to WrecktheRIC. I’ll add that a personality disordered’s parents helped shape them.
My father Harlow promptly cut off all contact with his second wife’s two teenaged sons after her death from pancreatic cancer. They lived together as a family for a few years.
My paternal grandmother voiced concern for them and shock at my father’s behavior.
My own mother wasn’t at all surprised considering how Harlow discarded me and my older brother, his own flesh and blood. “Is that woman just stupid ?” she asked. “No Mom-she wears blinders. Her son can do no wrong.”
Bonus for my mother not having to deal with Grandmother as she aged and got worse. The woman and my grandfather and their two sons were referred to as “Jane and her three boys” in their neighborhood. My mother overheard this in a powder room before marrying him. Should have fled then. Hindsight is 20/20

KB22
KB22
3 years ago
Reply to  ChChChChump

“He was ‘at his office’ on a day he didn’t need to work. I called his cell from mine and when he picked up I called the “mystery” number from my landline. I heard the ‘mystery number’ ringing simultaneously both through my cell phone and through my landline.”

Pretty smart move. Good for you.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  KB22

My ex FW would tell me he had to work on a Saturday. Found out later he had forwarded his work phone to his Police Department cell phone) When I would call, he could answer as if he was at the office. We lived less than two miles from the PD, it never occurred to me to check; because I didn’t suspect. Even if I had, he would have lied and said; oh I was likely out at lunch when you called.

He was actually at our river property two hours away with the whore and her 10 years old son. The river property he had conned me into co signing for so we would have a retirement property we could use with the “someday” grandchildren.

He had no intention of retiring with me, he and the whore were planning his escape, and they needed my signature to buy their get away place. She certainly couldn’t help, she lived in poverty and he was helping her pay her bills.

KB22
KB22
3 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

To pull something like that you just don’t have a soul. Did he have to buy you out of the property? If memory serves correct aren’t they now living in a trailer or something?

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  KB22

No he got the river property, which was fine with me; I didn’t want it nor could I pay it off. He got most of the real estate, for the same reason. I got a small rental property we had with two small houses on it. It was paid for by a lean on the marriage house. He had to pay off the lean and he got the marriage house. He also got another rental property. He got the boat. But, he had to pay off all our credit card debt (which he ran up)

He got most of the property, but I got a property that he had to pay off. Worked for me. I later sold it to put some money down on the house I bought.

He then somehow managed to sell off the property and he and schmoopie ran up massive gambling debts, and filed bankruptcy. Then they blew up their relationship with my (our) son and his family, and my son says they are always fighting with her family. They are truly a mess. But, living the dream I guess. If you are in luv, what does it matter where you live. Lol.

So he did get more property than me, but I am ok with it as I didn’t want but the one property, and quite honestly I think I somehow knew he would crash and burn. I could tell at the time he was not real happy. I don’t think schmoopie has made him any happier than I did. I mean except for when they were sneaking around and getting the illicit sex thrills. I imagine that was fun.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  ChChChChump

Your phone-call trick was absolutely brilliant, although I would imagine your heart sank when the other phone rang.

Cuzchump
Cuzchump
3 years ago
Reply to  Cuzchump

I also figured out his old Facebook account password. She sent him a picture of herself on a toilet in a public restroom. Yuck. His response was that she was one sexy women even on a toilet. But, he continued to deny they slept together.

Rebecca
Rebecca
3 years ago

If I had to list everything I found, I’d be here all day. All of it was post-Dday.
I dug relentlessly with sheer determination. I left the negotiations to my wonderful lawyers but I knew I could find way more (and my time wasn’t marked in 15 minute increments). I followed every lead from any financial papers and endlessly Googled his name and her name in every possible combination (don’t forget last name, first name). I found tons of information that I never would have thought about.
Best find (posted before but for newbies) was that every credit card charge at a chain store/drugstore/ATM has the store ID number next to it. Googling that ID number gives you an address. Easy to follow their location, date and time.
Best response from HIS lawyer..”you keep giving her so much ammunition”.
Best statement from me to ex at the last court date after he had to give me way more than he ever anticipated…”did you think I was stupid?”

KarenE
KarenE
3 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

I haven’t been able to figure out if Cheater Narc Ex is stupid (despite the Ph.D, M.B.A. etc) or whether it’s the entitlement. I think he so strongly believes that whatever he wants is the RIGHT outcome, that he thinks things will come out as he wishes, no matter what.

And then they’re SO PISSED when reality intrudes …. All our fault, of course, as usual.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

I’m convinced many cheaters are high-IQ morons.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

????

Yep, my cheater certainly wasn’t stupid; but dang he pulled some stupid stuff. I don’t even mean the stuff he did to me. I mean that was horrible, but he didn’t care about me, so…

What I mean is the stupid shit he did (and still does) to mess up his own life. Still makes me shake my head.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

” I think he so strongly believes that whatever he wants is the RIGHT outcome, that he thinks things will come out as he wishes, no matter what.”

I am pretty sure that is what my FW thought. He knew he would go through some crap, but in the end he would be living the life he wanted. Didn’t end that way, or at least knowing how he is living, I assume it didn’t.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Rebecca,

Brilliant!!!

Peregrine
Peregrine
3 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

This is great to know – thanks!

Quetzal
Quetzal
3 years ago

I spent 3 years looking. He was good at covering his tracks and possibly hadn’t gone off a very deep end (it’s still cheating).
Obviously I got the line about snooping and many variations of the topic: “I told you we were going to look together when I was ready” – when?? He begged me to stop confronting him, making this promise , right off at the start, and he seemed so i distress that i agreed to pause it – I thought a couple of days or weeks, it led to years! While we were “rebuilding”. It was a glorious distraction technique.
I developed OCD (already had PTSD) through that time. We went to a therapist for this issue, after one year he candidly blurted out he didnt even remember that’s what we were there for. A shitshow.

Speaking to an OW sealed the lid on the coffin of that relationship.

Lillian
Lillian
3 years ago

There were so many lies exposed. And because I was the one who always had to help his Luddite ass to create his online accounts and even come up with his passwords, per his requests to do so … it wasn’t too difficult. But I want to be clear … I never snooped until it became obvious that I was being fed a lot of improbable excuses and stories over and over again. The biggest discovery was that of a journal he had been keeping in the Notes section of his iPad. Then his therapist told him that my snooping was proof of how I control him and that it explained his need to cheat. His therapist actually called my therapist to come up with a joint plan for me to give my husband space and privacy so that he could sort out his feelings. I never went back to that therapist and came to understand, finally, that the marriage was irretrievably broken. The therapists wield so much power in these crises and can inflict so much additional harm. It can be hard to know when it’s time to divorce them, as well.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  Lillian

” I never snooped until it became obvious that I was being fed a lot of improbable excuses and stories over and over again.”

That was me, too.

All the improbable excuses and stories just built up. I was in his flat, which he was supposedly doing up for ‘us’, and the rat faced whore was living there and just helping him, she slept on the sofa, blah, blah, blah.

She had left when she knew I was coming over. He actually told me how upset she was, threw the expensive trainers he’d given her out the window. He said to her, what are you so upset about, you knew this was going to happen, she said you know what I’m upset about. He. told. me. this. And I still frantically spackled. ????????

Anyway. she’d left her phone in the flat. I read all the texts about “her chappie”, how he’d taken her shopping, and they had to be careful I didn’t see them, he was going to take her to London to see Les Miserables, bought her a sky jump for her birthday, told her to get her passport ready for August, they went out for dinner and”everything just flowed” how “nothing feels wrong”, “we didn’t get up until 7pm”, and much more.

When I confronted him with all this, he just laughed, and said you know what she’s like, she always bigs everything up out of all proportion, and tried to explain it all away. I *fell* for it. Still can’t believe how stupid and gullible I was. ????????????????????

Later he told me rat faced whore was angry I’d read her texts, I’d no right to do that.

Then I went into his phone, and found the texts to his mate, boasting about fucking the cunt.

He didn’t actually get angry with me for snooping, just tried to explain it away as “just lad’s banter”. But by that time I couldn’t spackle anymore, left and filed for divorce the next day.

I’m divorced, have my own little home, far away from them, and was busily trying to “gain a life” until Covid put the kibosh on that, *temporarily*. But I still writhe over my trusting gullibility, how eager I was to trust him in the face of overwhelming evidence. Sometimes I think I’ll never get over it. ????????

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6

Chumpnomore6,

Please don’t beat yourself up. I think a lot of us look back in awe at how trusting and gullible we were.

I want to go back in time and shake some sense into my former self, “Spinach, are you really buying this crap? Wake the eff up and put down the spackling compound!” But, alas, I can’t do that. I try to remind myself that I was so caught up in the marriage and the manipulations that it’s understandable that I couldn’t see what was right before my eyes. I also sometimes wonder if my subconscious wouldn’t allow me to see it because of the pain I would feel.

Anyway, I’m glad you found those texts (good snooping) but also understand how painful reading them must have been.

It is hard to get over this. I think that’s why we keep coming here. We’re not alone. It’s a shared pain. ((hugs))

Duped
Duped
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

It IS terribly hard to get over this. It is truly trauma. I am 3 years, 9 months from DDay and I still have to visit this site for reassurance that cheaters suck. Actually, I now fully understand and grasp that cheaters suck. What I grapple with still, however, is the unfairness. I’m alone during COVID. My ex is with his 20-years younger fiance. He pays for a modern condo that they both live in. He pays for her med school tuition. He pays for her food and clothing. They are to be married January 2nd. I lived thinking that my 28 year marriage would last until death. I was comfortable in our savings for retirement and the person with whom I’d spend that retirement. We were, I thought, loves and best friends. The life I thought I’d be living now is gone and certainly not as easy. My ex and I worked together to build a beautiful life. That life was stolen from me and given to a young girl. That is what I still struggle with. Yes, I know she got a sparkly turd. Yes, I know the 20-year age gap will eventually hit them both. And, yes, I’ve learned that I can take care of myself and be happy. But, it’s the life I lost that I mourn – the one I thought was solid and happy and loving. It’s hard to admit that life was 30 years of fake.

Worth more
Worth more
3 years ago
Reply to  Duped

I’m so sorry. I’m just learning this myself. It’s not just the loss of the relationship, it’s the loss of your future as planned and your entire life as you know it. We’ll be fine, because we are strong, capable women. But I never thought I’d be doing this at 60 years old. Even though he says he’s sorry and wants me back….

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Duped

I think it is hard to get past the theft of a life, and all that entails.

For the most part the cheaters used us as their safety net, while they set up their new life. Then when they are ready they discard us and tell us to get over it, move on, let it go, etc.

The theft of the life we help build by him and his whore. Even in my case where he lost everything after our divorce, due to his and schmoopies gambling; it still stings that I believed we were working for our future, while he was (for at least two years, maybe more) actually working to secure his and schmoopies life, using in part my money/time to secure it)

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

((hugs)) to you, too. ???????? Thank you. xx

SoManyTuesdays
SoManyTuesdays
3 years ago

I didnt knowingly snoop in the beginning. I had been bumped on to another flight and arrived an hour early, when I saw him walk a woman out the backdoor, through the garden and out to the communal parking area. When I went in, I never said anything, but I saw a bracelet on the kitchen counter that he swiftly covered with a tea towel. I still said nothing. That was when I started to plan my escape. And snooping.

Wiser Now
Wiser Now
3 years ago
Reply to  SoManyTuesdays

Wow. I wish I’d had your strength when I first discovered his misdeeds. I was a pissed-off, slobbering mess, pretty much. Kudos to you.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  SoManyTuesdays

Impressive restraint. But, omg, the pain of seeing her. I’m sorry.

Rachel Keyte
Rachel Keyte
3 years ago

My snooping was calling a condom company with the batch number of the shiny new packet that my 2 year old nephew found in my cheater’s briefcase. On Mother’s Day. In front of my whole family. Cheater claimed they were old from before he’d had his vasectomy over a year ago. And that they’d somehow made their way to his briefcase. Even though he’d changed briefcases since then
Anyway, the company confirmed that batch was new, only on the shelves two months ago.
Cheater denied denied denied and stick to his story for as long as it took him to think of another story. That two of his colleagues put them in his briefcase as a joke.
It still blows my mind 20 years later that he thought all that was plausible and how angry he was that I wouldn’t believe him.

hush
hush
3 years ago
Reply to  Rachel Keyte

Holy crap! His audacity! You are so MIGHTY for calling the condom company about the batch number. Great tenacity and quick thinking. Glad you are outta there, for a couple decades now by the sound of it.

Rachel
Rachel
3 years ago
Reply to  hush

Haha yeah, wasn’t so mighty about following through – didn’t believe him but kind of stuck around in a loveless marriage for another few years. He eventually left for another OW (I did find other condoms around in the meantime, OMG he was dumb) and I am forever grateful to her for taking him. Because he was desperate to hide that it was about an OW and trying to look like a good guy still, I took the bull by the horns and saw a lawyer asap and got a decent settlement. Could have got more but was happy with what I got and he signed without a fight. So glad I did that because he started getting nasty as soon as he realised that the girls and I weren’t going to just fall into all his plans for how visitation would look.
Anyway, he’s been out of our lives now for over 12 years so all is well.

So Done
So Done
3 years ago

I found a FB exchange between my Ex and his Whore, which prompted me to kick him out of my house. My Ex later told my daughter, who was sad about our separation, that if I hadn’t invaded his privacy, he and I would still be together.

I’m still shaking my head. These entitled narcissists are unbelievable. According to my Ex’s worldview, his cheating wasn’t the problem; the problem was that I “invaded his privacy” and found out about it.

The worst part? I think he honestly believes that.

chumpedtoomuch
chumpedtoomuch
3 years ago
Reply to  So Done

Mine blames the breakdown of our marriage on my continued digging. Not the years of cheating and gaslighting. Go figure

New York nutbag
New York nutbag
3 years ago

After d day (30 years ago . ..in know I’m pathetic after all these years ) I was living in my car . There were no cell phones facebook or twitter . The interloper was a cop on the night shift . I was assured that “things between them was over , nothing happened ,we’re just friends, you’re letting your imagination get you, yadda yadda yadda. So one night I pull into my rear parking lot in the alleyway behind “our” house and put my seat back to sleep . Minutes afterward I hear a car stop behind mine and idle..then abruptly take off..then a while later again and abruptly take off. This happened several times during the night and on the final pass of the night a flood light illuminated my car and back yard before the car abruptly took off.. I left before she got up . Next day I was to go over and stay with the kids when she went to work. Pleasantries were exchanged and off she went. I sat in my easy chair next to a phone , I noticed an unusual phone number had been written down so I called it. A woman answered and I asked if Jimmy was there ( OM’s name) she said no I’m sorry this is a drive up pay phone at Wegmans (a local grocery store ) so I asked the lady which Wegmans and she told me….lo and behold it was the one around the corner from my house ! When she came home from work I drove to the Wegmans and found the phone . With a magic maker in big bold letters I wrote on the phone “BACK THE FUCK OFF JIMMY “. The next day I stopped by to see the kids and bring her some money and she very cheerfully asked how I was doing and where I was staying . I told her I’m still in my car,she then says “well where do you park? ” I said here and there “Where in the last few days ? ” She asked , I said why does it matter ? She said ,” well I worry about your safety ” , I said well there’s lots of police presence usually so don’t worry . The look I got was priceless . I confronted her about her earlier claims about it being over and she said “well he calls to see if I’m ok”. Good bye I’m done

YogiChump
YogiChump
3 years ago

‘There’s lot of police presence, so don’t worry.’ Priceless!

UXworld
UXworld
3 years ago

I felt so guilty for snooping the first time. I went into her email while she was in the shower on Thanksgiving 2015. I immediately felt a huge sense of shame, and when she got out of the shower I confessed. Told her I knew I’d violated her trust and would never do it again. (I found out months later that this was just days after meeting the Carrot Singer for the first time, and having unprotected sex in a bathroom in a hotel across the street from her office.)

By the following January, I’d had enough, and went full-bore, no-apologies snooping. I found out everything she’d been doing and saying, including that I was physically abusing her, and that the Carrot Singer was coming to my house (for the 3rd time) the following day after I left for work. Most of the vets here at CN know what happened next. When, in the midst of my unloading on her, it became clear that I knew way more than she ever thought I would, she was shocked — SHOCKED — that I went back on the promise I’d made months earlier.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
3 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

She sounds like a real class act. Good riddance. Before DDay when I was really suspicious and literally begging my husband to tell me if he was cheating, he would get this fiendish look on his face and ask me, “what do you think you’ll find?” It was creepy, and it reduced me to tears and I felt sick. It was the most dramatic and intentional gaslighting ever.

Langele
Langele
3 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

But but, you promised…

ChumpTeri
ChumpTeri
3 years ago

Mine suddenly put a pass code on his phone. Unfortunately for him, he forgot we have cameras in the house, and unlocked his phone under the camera. I saw him hit the numbers “1980” as if I were standing next to him. I was reading their exchanges for months! That’s the one thing about him that really turned me off. He always did stupid things.

OHFFS
OHFFS
3 years ago
Reply to  ChumpTeri

???? What a dimwit. Nice work.

Mine had a passcode which he claimed was for security reasons. He had the same excuse about using Signal instead of regular texting.
I wouldn’t have been known about either if he hadn’t opened his big mouth and told me. I never went near his phone and couldn’t have given less of a shit about passcodes, secure texting, yada yada. I didn’t suspect anything at that point, so he tells me stuff that could have made me suspicious? A moron.

Involuntary Georgian
Involuntary Georgian
3 years ago
Reply to  OHFFS

My XW had a special encrypted messaging app on her phone. When I mentioned it in passing (because it popped up on her locked screen) she gave me this long explanation about how the data in her experiment is valuable and people were trying to steal it so she needed a secure way to communicate with collaborators, so the experiment’s IT guy had them all install end-to-end encrypted messaging.

It turns out that all of this was true, except for the reason. The IT guy wanted her to install the secure messaging app because the two of them were having an affair.

OHFFS
OHFFS
3 years ago

Egad! The nerve of these people! Plus the grandiosity. Yuck.

Mine was fond of using secure chat apps as well, since apparently it wasn’t enough to be texting all the time even though they worked together and saw each other privately every single effing day. They needed their own private little chatroom, too. I remember finding a sent email that was an invitation to join him in chat. It was addressed to a man. At first I thought it was a real male co-worker who had a very similar name. Then I noticed the email address was a variation of the usual ones on the anonymous email addresses Schmoopie used to sneak around.
He didn’t think to delete that one even though he denied he had ever had secret online chats with her when I asked. How could I possibly figure that out, right? After all, using the male name was super clever of them. A pair of veritable geniuses.????

Tall One
Tall One
3 years ago

I never found anything by snooping but it sure felt like hell while looking. I felt literally sick.

CL’s rt to say the relationship is over if you’re snooping for evidence.

Things fell in my lap, or I stumbled upon evidence (an opened laptop, landline history on phone, etc..).

So VERY grateful and joyful that shit is d.o.n.e.

WaitingForTuesday
WaitingForTuesday
3 years ago

CL is absolutely right, once the snooping starts it’s over, and it’s a horrific feeling to feel like you must snoop.

Snooping is necessary though, when you have children on the line. Hiring a P.I. and having hard evidence, helped settle our divorce without going to trial and ensured a custody schedule that was best for the kids.

At first he thought I had just looked through his phone 1 time (I had been checking his phone multiple times for months at that point and already had the P.I. on the case, and knew who the AP was), but he told me the fact that I had betrayed his trust and read a new text message from his AP that the marriage was over and he wanted a divorce… and then the next 8 months he refused to leave the house until there was an agreement in place.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
3 years ago

I think for some of us, the snooping is about punching through the lies and gaslighting and getting our feet on solid ground again.

I never got “proof” Jackass and MOW had sex. My suspicion is they got caught before it could go that far. But seeing the Facebook page with her as his only friend (when I was on FB and his siblings and his kiddo) just connected the dots in a flash. What I needed to know was why he had discarded me. What the two of them were up to didn’t matter as much as knowing he had literally moved on without telling me. So I think snooping for me was about knowing what the overall situation was so I could start to live in the world of reality.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

I never snooped, it was the era before all the social media. I would have had to hire a PD. But, being married to a police officer, he likely would have found out anyway. He knew every move I made. I never tried to hide it. Had I tried to do something behind his back, he would have noticed.

I was the perfect chump, so easy to chump. Spent a long time hating myself for it.

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
3 years ago

Like many of us, it was the smartphone (aka, stupidphone, depending on how one uses it).

The phone is the ultimate tool of the cheater, yet while they are using it to carry on their nefarious activities, it is busy recording recording recording the irrefutable digital timeline of said activities. Maintaining a double life requires brain capacity way beyond the capacity of a cheater, so it’s only a matter of time before they forget to delete something incriminating. Yet still they lie to your face without batting an eye when you stand there, phone in hand, with proof positive on the screen. I thought about staying with someone like this?!!!
(My insanity from which I have thankfully recovered).

Of course, there are those counterintelligence apps for cheaters which disguise their true purpose. But you really only need one solid piece of evidence to verify that what you have is not a marriage but a mirage.

I realized early on that the cheating accomplices live in the phone, the phone is glued to the cheater, and I have no desire or ability to monitor a husband to verify his loyalty. My answer is in the need to do so.

Inescapable
Inescapable
3 years ago

I was able to access Facebook messenger and saw him chatting about the affair with his buddy. They even exchanged explicit pictures of their affair partners and encouraged each other to continue having affairs.

For my ex that was the greatest offense of it all. He felt I broke trust by snooping. He cut my access off to everything we shared electronically. This included the financials. He accused me of being paranoid. It took me forever to get access back.

According to him I was not to be trusted. I put him and the OW at risk. He claimed me contacting the OW’s husband was a violation of trust. Because apparently I lied a lot, too. Because the affair was not really an affair as our marriage was over, he just did not tell me that he had checked out.

His false logic was maddening.

https://notmymonkeys.net/blog/cio6b6q4c2jn7s05kl0xb82otidevu

OHFFS
OHFFS
3 years ago
Reply to  Inescapable

They exchanged nudies of their affair partners? Well doesn’t that just scream twuuuu wuuuuv.
These pond scum cheaters are sickening.

OHFFS
OHFFS
3 years ago

I found out he had been making plans to get a divorce. I found out he had a lot more contact with OW than he admitted (and he admitted part of the truth only after they were caught red-handed), and was absolutely obsessed with her. For example, he texted her hundreds of times per month and he just had to say good morning to her a mere 90 minutes before he was to see her at work, every single day. But it just couldn’t wait. Because twu wuv. He also said goodnight to her every single night without fail, and texted her at random times during the day, often while at work, where he saw her privately at lunch and on breaks and could have said anything he wanted to say then. I guess he had a lot to say to her. With me, a brick would have been a better communicator than he was. That infuriates me to this day. I certainly never got any texts and I saw him in person less than she did. I found out he also saw her on the weekends, both days, every week, for several hours in the early morning while I slept (I’m a late sleeper). I found out that he went without sleep just to see her, and that he sometimes took off from work for hours with her, unauthorized and on the clock. I found out he had been to her house many more times than he would admit to. I found out he texted her while we were at family functions like Christmas celebrations, baby showers etc. I found out about the incredible number of dates he took her on, including on our anniversary and my birthday, and all the money he spent on her. I found out his gross, childish pet name for her and hers for him. I found out he had been trash talking about me to his friends and making fun of me. I found out he was obsessed with getting six pack abs to please OW and that his fitness efforts weren’t about health as he claimed, but 100% about her. I found out he was into sick, vile porn. He had told me it was just relatively normal stuff, only mildly kinky at times. But he didn’t know enough to hide his browsing footprints. Dumbass works in IT, too. He’s so clueless it’s a wonder he keeps his job. I suspect he does it by sucking up to the narcs who are his superiors. He’s an inverted narc, meaning he can only relate to other narcs. OW is a narc as well. He basically told me that if I behaved more narcissistically (he put it in different wording, but the meaning was clear) he would have been more into me. Then he told me if I had been more “attentive to his needs” (in other words, less narcissistic) he wouldn’t have cheated. This among innumerable other hypocritical, head-scratching idiocies of his is why my handle is OHFFS, meaning oh for fuck’s sake.

That’s a sampling of the dirt I got on that POS. There’s more, and snooping is how I got such favorable financial terms out of him. He didn’t want me to spread the damning details around, so he gave me hush money.????

He whined on and on about me “investigating”, which he knew would not have been neccessary if he had just told me the truth. But he kept lying and then getting caught by my snooping, then lying to try to wiggle out of being caught lying. You all know that story. Damn, they are stupid.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  OHFFS

Oh, OHFFS, those discoveries must have been so painful. Ugh! And then to whine to you about snooping speaks to his fucked-up sense of morality. He truly sucks!

p.s. I’ve always loved your handle.

Silver Anniversary
Silver Anniversary
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

What does OHFFS stand for? I’m not wonderful with texting……just curious

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
3 years ago

Oh hell for fuck’s sake

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago

I think it is short for: Oh for fucks sake.

OHFFS
OHFFS
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Thanks, Spinach. Yeah, they suck bigtime. Mine is one of those “nice guy” cheaters, so nobody would ever believe the abusive shit he’s done to me over the years. Hell, I didn’t fully believe it myself. I thought it was unintentional, he hadn’t meant to be cruel, the usual crap they gaslight us with. My family and friends were not supportive because they believed in his nice guy image and took his side if ever there was friction between us, which was always because of his shitty behavior. So I was being gaslit by them as well, telling me I was oversensitive, too demanding of him, etc. In reality I was not anywhere near demanding enough. Never again.

Have a good weekend Spinach. ????

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  OHFFS

If I had it to do over again, I would write out all the abuses he heaped on me, words, deeds, stealing of funds etc and give them to my preacher. Not to help me, but to help the preacher learn what others he may have tried to help had gone through. I kept it to myself, because of shame. It wasn’t my shame to bear, but I didn’t have the resources available today.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
3 years ago
Reply to  OHFFS

OHFFS,

As I read this I was thinking, “why was he even married to her? This was like my ex – his whole life was concerned with contacting OW (lots) and spending his time doing that. I know we’re the wife appliances, but seriously? Why the fuck bother hanging out at baby showers when they could be living with their dumb ass girlfriends. It really doesn’t make sense. I often wonder what it’s like when then actually leave us and go to their lifestyle. It must be a weird let down for them, not having to lie and get the thrill of spending all their time obfuscating. I’m sorry he didn’t value you. Good on you for gettin a good settlement. I wish I had that leverage. I still haven’t been to court or mediation.

OHFFS
OHFFS
3 years ago

Well, in my case his dumb ass girlfriend wouldn’t leave her husband for my dumb ass husband. Her husband makes more money. She admitted to staying in her marriage for the “lifestyle” and the cheater still wouldn’t face the fact that she’s a gold digging whore. It all blew up in their faces when they were caught. They broke up immediately and went as low contact as possible for co-workers. She hated him for giving me any information at all because I told her husband all I knew. He hated her for not having any smpathy for him after I caught him and for being enraged that he broke up with her. So much for twu wuv. ????

I suppose in many cases they keep holding on to the wife/husband appliance because they know the AP isn’t going to be as useful as the chump and isn’t fit for a real relationship. They know it’s all a fantasy and they like having that plus a good spouse to do the adulting for them. AKA cake. Plus, image is always a consideration, as is the cost of a divorce.
You’re absolutely right about the letdown, too. The ones who leave for the AP will experience that because there’s no more sneaking around and duper’s delight kibbles. When they realize that you can get sad sausage hoovering and attempts to use you to triangulate if you give them a chance by responding to any of their bullshit.

I hope your eventual court case goes well and you clean the SOB out. I’m sorry you’re going through such long, drawn out divorce agony. What mightiness that takes! I’m pretty sure I would go insane.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago

I have often thought that was the reason he kept circling back our year of legal separation, they were outed after we legally split. The thrill was dying? He needed to get back to me to get her in hiding again. But, seriously would she go for that. Who knows? Blender and all.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago

follow

Chump Marie
Chump Marie
3 years ago

My STBX left the family iPad out, unlocked after bedtime stories. It was synced to his iPhone. I picked it up and noticed his chat looked very friendly… hours later, at 3 am I stopped reading. Death by a thousand cuts… this was Jan of this year…I never told him and went underground and got myself organized to leave. 3 kids and married 24 years. Without Chump nation and Cindy’s book I don’t know how I would have made it.

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
3 years ago
Reply to  Chump Marie

Chump Marie,
I am so sorry for all your pain, but I admire your strength.
YOU certainly are MIGHTY!
❤️????❤️

MightyLady
MightyLady
3 years ago
Reply to  Chump Marie

You will make it – just stick with us.

Three kids in 25 years for me. my D day was January 2018 when I saw a text message come on his phone as I was putting away clean towels in our bathroom. He was in the shower normally he kept a death grip on his spine even sleeping with it under his pillow.

The text was arranging a rendezvous with his affair partner after she dropped her kids off for school because “he just didn’t get enough last night“

I followed him to her house and watched him park outside for hours ( he later tried to justify it as a teleconference for work)

I drove home and started downloading phone records text messages and financial records and contacting attorneys. I stayed awake for almost 4 days nonstop.

I didn’t find CL until February pretty much new by then that it was over, but the tutorial on gaslighting, blame shifting and genuine fake Naugahyde remorse helped me really process it all.

Filed a soon as D finished junior year exams, and never looked back.

I still come here almost everyday day.
It keeps me sane knowing I’m not alone, inspired by the stories of others and resolved for the long hard fight it has become.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  MightyLady

I am so envious of those of you that had CL. She and a couple others would have helped me so much. Not in changing the outcome, but in keeping me sane through the horror.

Note: though it wouldn’t have changed the outcome for me, I still would have had to get myself out of the mess; had I known then what I know now, I might have been able to out them way earlier. It definitely would have affected him in a negative way. She was desperate, so she would have clung on for dear life, she had failed to get the pervious married men she screwed to marry her. (there were at least three of them) Someone had to pay her bills. If I could have outed them a year earlier, he would have never been promoted. That is why he needed the marriage at the time, to assure his promotion.

Good news is, he didn’t keep it, he was busted and put back out on street patrol.

My son recently told me he retired early, so he took a big hit on his pension. I imagine he retired early because he basically shit all over where he worked, and had to escape. Lol. Consequence’s of a stiff dick with no conscience.

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
3 years ago

Oh Chump Lady, I caught him because he didn’t care to hide his lies anymore. He had one of his whores listed under his dead mother’s name in his phone. That was stupid. Did he really think I was going to believe his dead Mom would text him?

I caught him because it became suspicious how he was covering his tracks. He wouldn’t sync his phone with mine so we could share location. He wouldn’t use Google Maps because it tracks your travels. He had his phone locked up, wouldn’t share his passcode. He moved out of our bedroom yet slept in our bed while I was gone. I caught him because he didn’t care if I caught him.

We were going to some function. We took separate cars because he had some work to do at the office. I was close enough that his phone synced with the blue tooth in my car. His best friend was in the car with me and called quickly yelled over the conversation he was having, “ Hey Man, she can hear you.” Then his friend tried to scold me for listening. All of his friends were cheaters. I caught him because of his friends overreacting. Why did he care if I could hear the conversation?

He wouldn’t let me have access to our finances. He even refused to give me the passwords when he was in the hospital in the ICU. He told me if he died it wouldn’t matter that I couldn’t pay the bills. I was shocked to discover he made big bank during discovery.

I am so glad to be retired from the Marriage Police Force. It is a demoralizing job. It is hurtful and humiliating to discover the deception and betrayal.
Now I don’t know what he is doing, what whores he is fucking and lying too.

I cannot wait to be free of a fuckwit. Divorce goes to trial next month. I truly don’t care where he is, what he is doing or the lies he tells. He is dead to me.

OHFFS
OHFFS
3 years ago

OMG, that isn’t just stupid, it’s sick.????

Mine listed his OW as Kenny Rogers. It’s moronic, but I must admit there is a certain resemblance.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  OHFFS

lol

Was it because of their favorite song? When a Man Love a Woman? ????

So many of our cheaters act like lovesick teenagers and are stupid af.

OHFFS
OHFFS
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

It was probably meant as a dig at me. There was an incident in the Kenny Roger’s restaurant chain which existed in the 90s in which I was not feeling well and became confused about the cafeteria style service. Ex got his food ahead of me (too much of a jerk to wait while I used the bathroom) and told me to get in the line for food. But there was no line. I kept asking him where the line was and he would point, but there wasn’t a line anywhere, just some people standing in a circle talking. Finally I got so frustrated I blurted out “What fucking line?!”
He laughed about that for years, using it as an example of my supposed bad temper. In reality it’s an example of what an asshole he is, selfishly noshing away and rudely pointing at a line that didn’t exist instead of being a gentleman and accompanying me to where I was supposed to go. On a date night no less.
No doubt he shared that story with OW, (minus the context on how big a jerk he was) and it was private joke between them.
Scum, all of them.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  OHFFS

That’s awful! I’m sorry.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

“So many of our cheaters act like lovesick teenagers and are stupid af.”

I have often wondered if he ever realized what an idiot he looked like. But yes, he acted exactly like a hormone crazed teenager. How could they be so stupid to think that will last with the whore.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

By lasting with the whore, I mean they actually think the thrill of illicit sex will last once they are out in the open.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
3 years ago

That’s one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard off–listing a Schmoopie under his dead mother’s name without thinking that the texting would give him away.

And what a horrible lack of respect for his mother. I still have my mom on my phone, years later. I would never delete her but I wouldn’t USE her memory for an ugly, deceptive purpose.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

So true! Disrespect for a dead mom with some Oedipus complex thrown in for good measure.

Also, Thirtyyearsachump, he’s a snake. I’m glad you’re away from him and retired from the MPF.

Dare
Dare
3 years ago

After I planted a voice activated recorder in his office and caught his after hours affair with schmoopie— first he denied that she was in his office, and when I played him a sound bite— he was angry that “ I invaded his privacy”.

PathOfTotality
PathOfTotality
3 years ago
Reply to  Dare

Nah, he’s just angry that you outsmarted him and found evidence that he was invading another woman’s vagina. Well done.

Mitz
Mitz
3 years ago

In his car I found a parking pass to a campground 4 hours away, he said she (family friend) had camped up there with her children, and gave the pass to him so he would know the name and location of a nice campsite.

I saw charges for expensive lunches out that were obviously for two. He said he took a co-worker out to lunch as she was having issues and he was providing a shoulder for her to lean on.

Being tricked by your nearest and dearest. It hurts so bad.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  Mitz

Yes, it hurts like a mother fucker. Still.

This was after D-Day, but I happened to be in his car with him because our dog had been killed by a coyote, and we were headed to the vet. I dropped my reading glasses and reached down to find them. Under the seat of his Jeep, I pulled out a Swell bottle. Hers. When he saw what I had in my hand, he had an impish grin on his face. I’ll never forget that.???? He seemed proud of himself. And it was the first time I had tangible evidence of her presence.

OHFFS
OHFFS
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

He grinned impishly about cheating right after your dog was killed? ????
That and his bragging about where he fucked her in your house spells stone cold sociopath.
Damn, I am so sorry you were abused like that by the disordered creep.
The good news is it’s never going to happen again, at least to you. Present and future schmoopies, OTOH….well, these people certainly don’t change for the next partner.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  OHFFS

OHFFS,

I like to think you’re right. They don’t change. Their relationship might work out for a while if she does what I did: cater to him, soothe his emotional and physical boo-boos, praise him, and spackle like mad. LIKE MAD! If she follows this pattern of behavior, she might not realize that she has a shitty life. I mean, I actually thought I had a fairly good marriage. ????

Oh well.

Interestingly enough, he feels he saved the OW from her emotionally abusive ex (they started screwing around when both were married). This is so rich. Pot=kettle.

It’s an understatement to say that this emotionally abusive cheater lacks self-awareness. (Frankly, I guess I did, too. A little folie a deux.)

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Yep Spinach, when I found the sex toy bag, my ex gave me the impish grin. And then he went on to say that he’d been collecting that sex gear for years and how women “loved” what he did to them. Sick fuckers.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
3 years ago
Reply to  Mitz

Yes, it feels like total shit. How many of these assholes take women out to lunch/dinner/drinks because they “need help or support”. My husband used this line and I said, “I need you more than anyone else does.” His face lit up. Not because he was about to change, but because he loved the idea that I needed him and he was not available to me. He got off on the abuse and the fact that I felt small.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  Mitz

^^^^.
Yes. And it makes you feel such a fool.

DoddersGetsChumped
DoddersGetsChumped
3 years ago

So I cottoned on to the OW but kept it quiet. I was asking him about said person and whether they would be aware of our splitting up. He said no. I asked him to had given him a referral to a therapist (apparently I should understand that he needed to do this without me knowing because he’s a private person). Answer ‘a friend’. Then I asked a more direct question about the OW. ‘She lives in Scotland and she has a BOYFRIEND’. Funny you have never ever mentioned her name to before. ‘You never let me have any friends’. Sniffle sniffle (ergo I am so awful to him)

The gig was up then really, the snooping was done and before I’d even revealed what I knew I was getting sad sausage and DARVO. It only got worse. The barefaced lies to my face when I produced some of my finds from my snooping. More tears and my favourite ‘this. isn’t a poem about anyone, its lyrics I wrote for a song for the guitar’. It had had bloody nickname in the ahem lyrics. Total denial. What a coward and what an idiot he must take me for.

At least it was easy to rapidly move to disliking him intensely.

DuddersGetsChumped
DuddersGetsChumped
3 years ago

I appear to have changed my name for DuddersGetsChumped to DoddersGetsChumped. I know I’m getting on a bit now but….. must get those new glasses.

Kfindingmyway
Kfindingmyway
3 years ago

I didn’t have to snoop. He confessed to 20 years of nastiness . I am certain that it was all minimized and the story changed many times.
I did subpoena phone records during the divorce and found a lot of suspicious numbers . One number that I called had a answering service for Discreet Encounters.
That reality helped as did googling the sites that had been searched on his phone. All you have to do is enter a search for escorts in any location. There is a whole world out there that I did not know existed.
Dec. 4 will be 4 yrs. since GTFO day. Divorced almost 5 months now.
For the first time I am talking to a man who seems very nice. My eyes are wide open and I feel equipped to recognize red flags. The feeling of hope is exhilarating. I will be careful. I hope everyone can navigate this strange Thanksgiving in a way that brings some happiness.

Chumped3years
Chumped3years
3 years ago

Snooping causes immense pain. Once you learn something you can never unlearn it. To hear your spouse tell another person that they are the love of their life, that they love them heart and soul, like they never loved you. When you confront them they tell you your crazy and making things up. This from the person you have trusted for 40 Years and who you love heart and soul. It tears you apart, make you physically sick, body and soul. I really don’t recommend it for long. For some of us it takes many years to have it sink in and then it just makes you angry. Then you can’t stop, you want out and are stuck. It’s a horrible way to live.

Mitz
Mitz
3 years ago
Reply to  Chumped3years

Yes, the emails hurt the most. He was selling me on the idea that he was speaking with her because her husband (his best friend) had died, and they were both bereft.

I found emails (undelete worked) in which they were planning their honeymoon, he was professing his undying love to her, she was the perfect woman he never thought he would have. He lied and said his mother and our son approved of him leaving me for her. He would tell her her lies about him having to go for medical procedures, to worry her.

He told me that if I ever show the emails to anyone he will tell them that he had trusted me with his passoword, and I doctored his emails.

KB22
KB22
3 years ago
Reply to  Mitz

“He told me that if I ever show the emails to anyone he will tell them that he had trusted me with his passoword, and I doctored his emails.”

I’d call him on his threat and send them to everyone…fake e-mails vs authentic (undoctored) e-mails are easy to decipher. The recipients wouldn’t buy that you set him up.

Involuntary Georgian
Involuntary Georgian
3 years ago

I attempted to crack then-wife’s phone password, but failed. She caught me putting the phone back, erupted in outrage, and then proceeded (literally over the next few hours) to read all my emails, including the extensive back and forth with my family trying to understand the discard.

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
3 years ago

Yes, once they know you have snooped, they tend to respond by looking into all of our communications and records. They might say, “See how it feels!” but what they really want is to discover you’ve done something even worse so they can claim the high ground.

Once I figured out my EX was having part of his salary diverted into a separate account each month, which I learned by looking closely at our taxes (the one household financial chore he did), he exploded. I didn’t consider examination of the tax return I am legally obligated to sign to be “snooping,” but he claimed it was.

So, the next day, my EX confronted me with my checkbook, waving it in my face and claiming he had evidence I was using our shared account to pay for all my personal spending. I was the real thief, not him! Eventually, I was able to make him realize, the checkbook in his hand was not our shared account, but my own small, personal account, which he had always known about (gift money, etc.) I was using MY money to pay OUR expenses (light bill, phone bill, etc.) some months because we didn’t have enough funds in OUR account (which by agreement we were both supposed to put all of our salaries into).

Instead of “stealing” from him, as he claimed, I was gifting money to our shared expenses as needed. And the fact that he had been siphoning money every month through an automatic deduction from his paycheck while I used Christmas gift money to keep us afloat drew our differing behaviors into pretty stark contrast. It was probably one of the few arguments during our separation process where he had trouble finding a way to twist events and make me the bad guy.

My EX could have read every email I’ve every written. He wouldn’t have found a thing. Of course, he would have had to spend a lot more time thinking about me than he would ever bother doing.

Involuntary Georgian
Involuntary Georgian
3 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

The only thing that my wife found out from reading my email was that my family didn’t like what she was doing. My sister called her a “frigid, cold-hearted bitch”. It’s the worst thing anyone has said about her, before or since. And much worse than anything I ever said to her, or about her, to anyone.

Then-wife was very offended at my sister’s assessment, but I think if you have an affair, abandon your husband of 20-some years while breaking up someone else’s 20-year marriage, consigning a total of 5 kids to shuffle back and forth between different houses for 15+ years, and that’s the worst you have to hear (and it wasn’t even to her face), then you’ve really gotten off lightly and you have no right to complain. Plus, if I’m honest, my sister was spot on.

KarenE
KarenE
3 years ago

Yeah, my Ex was soooooo offended I called him a ‘jackass’ during a session he and I had with the therapist who was trying to help him fix his relationship with our kids (who he had, in true Narc style, abandoned).

Man, if the things he did didn’t qualify him as a jackass, I don’t know what would ….

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

But “jackass” is the perfect word for your ex!! When the shoe fits…

I once called my then-husband an “asshole” in reaction to some asshole-like thing he’d done or said.

He flew into a rage.

What he’d done to cause me to react that way wasn’t nearly as bad as my potty-mouthed reaction!

He lies and cheats, but the man doesn’t swear. And so, CN, he feels morally superior. Fuck him!

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago

Your sister has a way with words. Spot on, indeed!

I also love her anger on your behalf. Sibling support is the best.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
3 years ago

I’d been subjected to 3 1/2 month of a baffling discard? What had I done? I had no idea. But I finally forced him to be in the same space with me for a few hours and I realized that whatever was going on, I had to let go of the relationship. He had bough me a turnpike pass for Christmas the year before (yeah, I know) and I wanted to switch it over. I needed his driver’s license # and he wouldn’t answer texts or emails. So I decided to see if I could find his # on the state CDL database. Google searching turned up his Facebook page. With one friend, the MOW. And Facebook Messenger active.

When I confronted him, he was indignant. Then enraged. Then threatening (“You better not tell anyone.”)
Hey, Jackass. If there’s nothing to tell, why are you so worried?

What I regret is how I hung on emotionally, thinking he would come to his senses. It wasn’t until I found CL and started to learn about cheaters and how narcissists do relationships, that I got on the road to Meh, which is one fine place.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Honestly, I think it is rare for them to come to their senses in any real way.

I have in the past envied those women who had a husband (initially) begging for forgiveness and reconciling their marriage; but as time went on, and as I learned more; I think those of us who were not given a choice are the lucky ones.

Oh yes my FW circled back a few times, but I was cogent enough to know that he was only trying to destabilize me just in case he decided he wanted me back. No real love.

Mitz
Mitz
3 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

Or it’s the old ‘it’s cheaper to keep her’ line of thinking on their part.

Don’t think that a lot of us didn’t know that our ex’s only wanted to reconcile so as to not cut up the assets, or give us part of their pension.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Mitz

Yep, I am sure it is that sometimes too.

I do think there are the unicorns who truly do want the marriage; but they are as rare as, well unicorns.

Mitz
Mitz
3 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

I know a few marriages that reconciled after adultery. One my sisters. Her husband found other ways to abuse her, he was a tyrant about having a perfect home, and he was insanely jealous, they are still together. Another case the husband took the cheating wife back. To his dying day he would tell his buddies that he did not think she truly loved him. But he stayed for the kids. I know of no blissful reconciliations.

I think it is BS that you could ever fully love or trust the person that deceived and betrayed you. You could put on a face, but no way would it be good deep down.

It’s like saying my business partner defrauded me, but we are good now. No f’g way is that legit. Same with a marriage.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Mitz

I don’t know. My older brother cheated on his wife when they were young. He straightened up, and by all sign; they were happy, and he didn’t do it again. He just died last Sunday, his wife had died in 2007 of cancer, they had been married 47 years. In the pictorial I saw one of the notes he wrote to her a few years before she got sick. It said “after all these years, I still love you more than life itself” While I don’t think their marriage was perfect; I think they had a good one.

Having said that, I still think it is rare, and of course it can’t happen without the cheater taking full responsibility. Also, his wife was definitely not a doormat type.

I could never have trusted my ex again, he was just the type of personality that was going to always have to be in control.

ChumpLite
ChumpLite
3 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

So sorry you lost your brother

MaisyL
MaisyL
3 years ago

I do not even consider this “snooping” – although HE certainly did. On the day we were to tell our three children that we were getting divorced, my now ex-husband left his phone sitting face up on the kitchen counter. I was already in tears thinking about the boys’ reactions and how their lives would change. I saw his phone light up so of course I looked — on the lock screen was a series of texts from the mistress along the lines of “I love you” and “You’re the strongest man I know” and “xxxooo”. I flipped out and called him disgusting for texting with her as we were about to tell our children a hand grenade had gone off in their lives. Of course, he texted with her DURING the conversation, too. And took a call to tell her the conversation was not over yet. My blood still boils.

Hopium4years
Hopium4years
3 years ago
Reply to  MaisyL

I’m like you MaisyL – I didn’t consider it snooping because it was after D-Day #1 and I had read wreckonciliation stuff online before my Amazon books on infidelity had even arrived, and “transparency” was the buzzword I glommed onto.

The Python agreed to report everywhere he went and keep his cellphone location thing on so I could verify where he was at all times, and he agreed to let me see “everything” even though he didn’t realize that there were records kept that he wasn’t even aware of!

Just because the paper cellphone bill didn’t list all calls and texts made from our phones didn’t mean there’s no record: I just signed in to the cell account online to look at that detail. I also checked his tollway transponder records online, to see the date, time, and location of each toll that was paid.

At first all I saw was evidence of affair #1 (at least, the first I know of). That affair was definitely over because as soon as she found out that he had lied to her about his marital status (told her he was divorced; not true!), she ratted on him to me because she was furious with him. Seeing the evidence hurt like hell but I was going to try to forgive him (big mistake).

Of course I never fully trusted him again and 4 years later when he went on a date with a waitress (though he had told me he was going to be “with the guys”) the cell phone tracker revealed the truth. The truth shall set you free: that truth did it for me!

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  MaisyL

This is why I get agitated when someone tries to make excuses for the whores. Yes the husband yada yada yada.

But, she isn’t even a decent enough person to stay the hell away for a time like that. They are both awful, and I hope they live a life of misery. Chances are they will, regardless of the public face they put on. They are after all, who they are.

Chumpling
Chumpling
3 years ago

I was concerned that my (then) spouse was spending so much time messaging her coworker; she claimed they were Just Good Friends and, since we’d just moved to that city, I tried to tell myself that it was good she was making friends. One day I realized that they were using Facebook Messenger on their phones, and that these conversations were mirrored on her computer—which she always kept logged in. I decided to take a look at their conversation to assure myself that everything was casual and ordinary.

Ha. I was treated to their lurid BDSM sexting.

I was planning to confront her about it when she got back from the office, but, on her commute home, she deleted it. I had to assume (correctly, as it turned out) that this had become their standard practice.

KarenE
KarenE
3 years ago
Reply to  Chumpling

Ah yes, the friends! My Ex doesn’t have friends, unless people kind of latch onto him or his partner cultivates the friendships.

So when he started sometimes going for beers with the ‘work gang’ on Fridays, I thought that was a good and healthy thing! I encouraged it and didn’t mind taking care of the kids and all those evenings. Then he started running some lunch hours with a guy from work. Good for him!

OF COURSE it turns out the ‘gang’ was one woman, and the same woman was the ‘guy from work’ he sometimes ran with. Affair #1. Never any gesture or moment of friendship before or after. And when I kicked him out upon confirmation of Affair #2 he walked away from every single friendship we or he had, including the one person who had continued to be his friend for almost 2 decades – a latcher-on, as was his only other personal friend at the time. I truly didn’t understand that, as these two latcher-on friends didn’t have major problems with his cheating (one was a cheater himself, the other just a laissez-faire guy who didn’t want to think about ethics). He ghosted them just as thoroughly as he did everyone else.

They don’t value ANYONE (other than for what that person brings to THEM in the moment) and they don’t know how to ‘do’ any kind of relationship. It’s sad, really. But I sure wish I had realized all this before I had kids with him. Because they also don’t know how to be a parent, and don’t value their kids.

Discarded Wife
Discarded Wife
3 years ago

I live on a farm with several outbuildings. In one of those outbuildings, my ex had his “music room” where he would go in the evening to play his guitar, listen to music, and (apparently) call his girlfriend.

One evening I was doing housework late at night. I brought some files over to this outbuilding, and heard my then husband on speakerphone with a woman. I was immediately suspicious because my chronically depressed, withdrawn, sad sack husband sounded happy, upbeat, and charming with this woman — like the way he was when we were dating all those years ago. I got up in the middle of the night to check his phone — but there was no record of the call. He made these calls every night from his music room.

I ended up eavesdropping for a week, late at night in my pajamas, and then running back to bed and pretending to be asleep when he finally came to bed. I ordered a voice activated recorder and a book off the internet on how to find out if your spouse is cheating. I ended up confronting him before the book and the VAR arrived. I had confided in a friend who convinced me I needed to confront my husband. One night, I sat in the dark eavesdropping until the phone call ended. As they said goodnight, the “I love you”s and the sex talk started. She could not wait to see him again; she loved loved loved him and he really really really loved her. When he hung up, he turned on the hall light and saw me sitting in the dark. I said “You really really really love her, don’t you?” He became enraged, and got one inch from my face and said “yes, I really love her AND I DON’T LOVE YOU.”

I grabbed his phone to look at the recent calls and she was listed by initials. I would not let him sleep in our house that night. That was fortuitous, because his laptop was in our house. I signed on and searched his emails for her initials. Lo and behold, I found 2 years worth of emails with love songs he had written her and their plans for traveling the world together.

Several days later the VAR and book arrived. I later used the VAR to record a weekend’s worth of phone calls between my ex and his AP. He had still not learned his lesson about using speakerphone. I still have the audio files. Every time I would start to get weak during the divorce, I would listen to those phone calls. My anger would make me strong again.

So yes, I snooped. I do not feel the least bit bad about it. I would snoop again in a heartbeat if I suspected cheating. But I learned not to confront too early. The marriage is over. Gather all the evidence you can before confronting. It will help you get a better property settlement.

StillSMH
StillSMH
3 years ago
Reply to  Discarded Wife

Discarded Wife this is my story! OMF Hiding outside at the barn in my pj’s! Like a ninja wearing slippers, I did it all the same as you. Hiding under my sheets while he texted her in bed next to me. Reading his text messages when he was going to the bathroom in the middle of the night. You are right, it did help me in the property settlement. I can’t believe I survived this. Knowing others fought the same battle helps me beyond words. Thank you for sharing, this just made my head clear up a bit.

BeardBoy
BeardBoy
3 years ago

I’m a chump, and yes, I snooped and found a boatload of information that confirmed my ex-wife’s affair.

I wish we would use a different word than “snoop”. To me, that word has a negative connotation. It usually describes trying to obtain information about another person’s private affairs (i.e., stuff that’s not your damn business). In contrast, what all of us did was work diligently to discover information that our cheaters wrongfully and deliberately concealed from us. It was information we DESERVED to know. Privacy to protect the existence of an affair within a committed relationship shouldn’t exist.

I wish we would use words like “uncover” or “unearth” or “discover” instead.

Just me being a word geek. Chumps unite!

LimboChump
LimboChump
3 years ago
Reply to  BeardBoy

^^^^^This!
Twenty years ago I found out about online sex calls from credit card statements, and huge cash withdrawals from bank statements. Those statements have a date/time/place designation.
Since those discoveries I never stopped reading all statements very thoroughly & I google any questionable items on credit cards.
I never thought of that as snooping. I considered it essential to do for my financial safety.
But I have never had access to his cell phone or email. Once in a while I could catch his laptop open after he left the house. I was able to
^^^^^This!
Twenty years ago I found out about online sex calls from credit card statements, and huge cash withdrawals from bank statements. Those statements have a date/time/place designation.
Since those discoveries I never stopped reading all statements very thoroughly & google any questionable items on credit cards.
I never thought of that as snooping. I considered it essential to do for my financial safety.
But I have never had access to his cell phone or email. Once in a while I catch his laptop open after he leaves the house. I was able to take a photo of his spreadsheet with his various accounts & passwords. I tried once to get on his Verizon cell phone account to check activity but they require 2 step authentication! No go! By then, I also didn’t care too much due to Tracy’s advice: if you’re looking for evidence, it’s already over.
My problem was that I was going to SANON then, & that group is heavy on guilt for “snooping.” As well as heavy on guilt for being angry at the FW.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  LimboChump

I will never know how much he spent on his whore(s). I ran the credit cards and found evidence. But, didn’t run the bank account.

Once he left things happened so fast; it got away from me.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  BeardBoy

To me investigating is the right word. It is exactly the right word, and the right thing to do.

My state at the time was a no fault 50/50 state in terms of divorce. However, that 50/50 can be altered if there is evidence of financial fraud. It is how I got a six month temp maintenance package, to get back some of the money he spent on his whore. I had the credit card statements as proof. I also stated that he had admitted to “dating” her for two years behind my back. I got way more back in temp maintenance than what was on the credit card. There was enough to save for a down payment on my car, and to pay my lawyers bill. It actually lasted a year, because after the six months was up, FW started delaying the divorce. Don’t know why, but as long as he kept paying my house payment, my car payment, and my electric bill (we had electric baseboard heat in a cold climate) I was fine with it.

I did turn the car back over to him a couple months before the divorce was final, after I bought my car. I hated driving that damn car anyway.

New York nutbag
New York nutbag
3 years ago
Reply to  BeardBoy

Couldn’t agree with you more sir. The idea that we shouldn’t have the information that we are about to be hit by a train shows blatant disregard and depraved indifference on the part of the unfaithful. I need to know if I’m walking into the room if I’m going to get sucker punched. But then the very nature of sucker punching is to cowardly inflict pain suffering and damage

Chumpnomore6
Chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  BeardBoy

Totally agree with you.

GratefullyDivorcedDad
GratefullyDivorcedDad
3 years ago

Reading today’s post reminded me of my horrific journey that began with my initial snooping. I hope that sharing what I experienced will help a newly minted chump, or perhaps a longtime lurker on this blog, to get unstuck and summon the courage to do what needs to be done.

Yes, there was guilt from the initial snooping, but it was quickly replaced by the most hurtful experience when my initial confrontation was met with outright lying, implausible explanations and gaslighting.

Then as if I began training for the pain Olympics, I continued snooping, and subsequent discoveries and confrontations led to even more lying and gaslighting in a seemingly endless cycle of pain. In hindsight I regret not filing for divorce upon the initial discovery, like in a horror movie when the innocent family moves into their new house and they ignore the demonic voice whispering “Get Out!”. It’s best to listen to that voice.

But I was stuck because of my boundless determination to try to fix the unfixable, combined with a disturbingly high pain threshold and a fear of the unknown.

So the torture continued until I simply couldn’t bear it anymore. The feeling of being stuck and my inability to seek divorce was like desperately gripping the open doorway of a burning airplane. It was when I finally jumped and a parachute deployed that a feeling of relief and freedom took hold. It turns out that divorce is less a horrible ending, and more a hopeful beginning. Good luck and godspeed to all fellow chumps!

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago

“It turns out that divorce is less a horrible ending, and more a hopeful beginning. ”

I wish we could all know that in the beginning. I am lucky, because I was given no choice; but it would have helped to know that this is the best outcome for me, even if it feels horrible right now.

BeardBoy
BeardBoy
3 years ago

Well put. I’m a gratefully divorced dad, too. I inflicted ridiculous psychological harm upon myself by not pulling that “eject” lever on the marriage immediately after I confirmed the affair. My ex-wife tried to hold me accountable for not being the best version of myself after she had dropped an atomic bomb on our marriage, our children and our family.

GratefullyDivorcedDad
GratefullyDivorcedDad
3 years ago
Reply to  BeardBoy

“My ex-wife tried to hold me accountable for not being the best version of myself after she had dropped an atomic bomb on our marriage, our children and our family.”

My ex tried the same thing. Blame shifting is just another weapon in the cheater’s arsenal. It can take a newly minted chump some time to figure this out, and it was very reassuring to discover through this website that every cheater uses a universal and predictable set of tactics. It turns out they are not original. They’re mere garden variety cheaters.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
3 years ago

My ex actually looked me right in the face and said, “this marriage break up is all your fault.” I was so stunned that I couldn’t say anything at all, I just walked off. So at least he did one thing with honesty. He actually did his blame shifting honestly!

New York nutbag
New York nutbag
3 years ago

Sir…what. I think I read in your story is something most chumps are “guilty” of. We tend to cling to the “Sunk Cost Theory” aspect of our relationship. We have invested so much that in our minds it’s a matter of attempting to wright a listing ship that is doomed to sink. We do it industry does it even the military ( navy is trying to save the ill-fated littoral combat vessel program by throwing more money at it). It is not a sign of foolishness or desperation by any means but rather a way of giving yourself closure in knowing you did the heavy lifting to try .

GratefullyDivorcedDad
GratefullyDivorcedDad
3 years ago

@New York nutbag
Hey brother,
Thank you for your wise observation. I’m reminded that amid the turmoil, while I was coming to terms with the inevitable decision to divorce, I also felt that I needed to be able to look back and know that I tried everything possible before pulling the ripcord.

Unfortunately that period of chump purgatory is when we are most vulnerable to the unscrupulous sales tactics of the Reconciliation Industrial Complex. Our desperation for a solution finds us searching the web, wasting our time and money on books and worthless programs promising to reawaken our relationships. In actuality, all we really need is the reassurance that comes from mighty people like Chumplady and the support and shared experiences that come from the warriors of Chump Nation. It really all comes down to asking yourself what is acceptable to you and enforcing your boundaries.

By our nature, we chumps don’t want to shoulder the responsibility of ending the marriage. A cheating spouse relies on this. The hard truth is that anything short of divorce is a signal to your cheating spouse that they can continue their behavior without consequences.

Epictetus
Epictetus
3 years ago

Yes. It’s so interesting the great lengths one will go to in order to save what can’t be, and then the cruelty experienced on top of that? They know we want to save the marriage, the family, the collected history, and they take that knowledge and use it to inflict even greater harm.

I guess, one way to look at it, we could be grateful for that intentional harm: it’s like a sign on the person’s forehead: Harm Inflictor with Sociopathic Genes. Warning. Toxic.

COFox
COFox
3 years ago

CL is correct about “if you have to become a Soviet spy your marriage is OVER”. I was tipped off by a “friend” that I was married to a pervert. That happened to occur when he was out of town so for 24 hours straight I did what I could searching his computer. I am not an IT whiz but managed to find plenty. He had contacted an Airbnb for a one bedroom apartment rented for a “day” in the next few days. Never had even turned on his computer before or ever searched his phone. When he returned home I asked what was going on and added “don’t lie to me. I have searched your computer and know everything. I just want to hear it from you”. He immediately folded and proceeded to tell me that the affairs had been occurring for over 35 years. I lost 8 lbs that weekend from the anxiety and facing the reality before me. I immediately went into protection mode with my finances and proceeding with separation and was divorced within 9 months. We had no children and always kept our bank accounts separated. Gee I wonder why he wanted that?? Again as I have stated before I found ChumpLady and Chump Nation within a month of the DD and you all gave me the strength to (1) know I was not crazy all this time and (2) he would never change and will be damaged goods for the rest of his life. So glad he is out of my life and total no contact is fabulous. Remarried now to a wonderful man and living a wonderful life which would have never happened without all of your support.

WonderNoMore
WonderNoMore
3 years ago

I felt horribly invasive, fearing if I discovered he was innocent, I would then be guilty of snooping.

I had been watching the Nikita series on Netflix. I fancied myself Nikita, and even lost the weight (chump depression/anxiety caused) to match her physique! Her character, in a lighthearted but real way, inspired me to get through the nightmare.

I had many tense moments during discovery:

Retrieving a tracker right in front of him which if I did not get I would have lost the opportunity.

Leaving a nice dinner with out of town guests to answer a call from the PI who then confirmed my fears of ex cheating, and then keeping calm at the dinner as if nothing had just happened.

Two week plans of planting a tracker ‘just in case’ he did something after a vacation, which he finally did end up doing. All the time worrying he may discover the tracker.

Intercepting a Fed Ex delivery of a large check to deposit and then withdraw 1/2 to my own account before he discovered, all while he was asking if the check was delivered.

Opening a new credit card in his name only for him to use in place of our joint one, switching it with our joint one, paying household bills with the joint, then paying it down to zero with that Fed Ex delivered check BEFORE splitting the remainder, then removing my name from the joint credit card account.

Meeting the PI in a parking lot in his car with blacked out windows to pay a large sum of cash (which was from ex selling a recreational toy), for his wonderful PI work. Work which he CLEARLY enjoyed. He even looked like a movie spy:-)

And the best part! In a moment of sad sausage when I still wanted to stay together, he told me he didn’t think he would ever be able to forgive me for hiring a PI. He even made me feel BAD about it for a moment.

PrincipledLife
PrincipledLife
3 years ago

I didn’t snoop until after Dday. He left to escape my upset and went to Vegas (if this was a novel I would not dare include that detail because it is too smarmily perfect. Vegas, patron city of Cheaters.) Up until then I thought he was an honorable man and our love was something special. I did the snooping in the grip of something like insanity, and my hands shook and I had to go throw up a few times, and my brain raced along like an out of control train. Worst. Russian. Spy. Ever. The crazy thing (well one of) is that he kept his jumbo sized panties in the dresser next to my sock drawer. One opening of the wrong drawer and I’d have found his femme accessories. For a long time after I tried to untangle that: did he want me to find that and open Pandora’s box but also be honest? Was it a hidden cry for help? And then later, when things were darker: did he get off on taking a risk like that? Did he like hurting me? Up until now where I feel like he just didn’t consider me at all: I wasn’t important enough to him to merit any consideration.

Then ensued the parade of therapists and trickle truth. Because the door that opened into my husband’s secret life was transvestitism and we lived in California, he was treated with kid gloves, and with great respect as a marginalized creature, while I was ignored. And I was too wounded and damaged to even know I needed help. Now we are in Georgia, with less political correctness and some better therapists, but I still can’t believe any of this is my life. In a lot of ways it feels like my honorable husband was murdered by a deceptive transvestite who took his place.

Yes, my husband also uses my “snooping” as evidence of my flawed character. I know it is a reach. He’s also used the fact that I leave lights on as morally equal to his lies (“it’s all disrespect, you know, and disrespect is disrespect.”) I am not even sure snooping is the right term. To me it felt like I was clawing through the wrekage of my life trying desperately to find out what was true and what was a lie. And I needed the truth like a man in the desert needs water.

Hopium4years
Hopium4years
3 years ago
Reply to  PrincipledLife

OMG, I also got the nasty lectures about how leaving lights on when I left a room was disrespectful to him!

PrincipledLife, you gave me a lightbulb moment (pun intended). This lights on thing became an issue during the few months before D-Day (discard phase) and I found out later that he was starting the sexting with her at about the same time. He was angling to get her in bed but since she lived an hour away it took awhile for him to be “successful.”

I was baffled that this lights left on issue was made into such a huge deal, that he was positively cruel despite my doing it much less often (I really tried to remember to shut off the lights but didn’t do it every time). You’re right: it was a moral equivalency thing. What he was doing in pursuing this woman was no more disrespectful in his mind than my leaving lights on. Asshole!

PrincipledLife
PrincipledLife
3 years ago
Reply to  Hopium4years

It is such a childish position that at first I could not believe it. Takes a while to sink in that is really the way they think. I heard my FW complaining to his therapist last week how I was a “germophobe.” This in the middle of a global pandemic! And the ironic thing is that I was mostly trying to protect him as he is at high risk (diabetes, obesity and hypertension, the covid trifecta.)

KarenE
KarenE
3 years ago
Reply to  PrincipledLife

So you’re trying to protect him, and he’s whining like a baby.

Sounds like there’s not much to work with here.

Have you read Dr. Simon’s books on character? Or perhaps better yet, ‘Why Does He Do That?’ by Lundy Bancroft. HUGE eye opener for me.

You hope he will grow and mature, be able to leave behind his childish beliefs and reactions, but that’s not how it works. He’s a grown man. Do you have any evidence of actual persistent change? That he doesn’t end up resenting you for?

LimboChump
LimboChump
3 years ago
Reply to  PrincipledLife

Up until now where I feel like he just didn’t consider me at all: I wasn’t important enough to him to merit any consideration.“ I think there’s truth in this statement.
Are you still married & trying to get at the truth?
I had to realize that I knew enough to leave, and I would never know it all.

PrincipledLife
PrincipledLife
3 years ago
Reply to  LimboChump

Hi @LimboChump:
Yes, I am still married. He is supposedly “trying” to fix his brokeness. I want to know that I gave my marriage every chance, and this has me paralyzed. Actually, I am not completely sure why I stay. Probably about an even mix of hopefulness and cowardice.

KarenE
KarenE
3 years ago
Reply to  PrincipledLife

Principled, I understand that you want to do the right thing, be ethical and fair. But
a) you are causing yourself on-going harm in the meantime
b) if he has always and consistently been turned on by dressing as a woman (which is a harmless kink in itself, it’s the lying and hiding that are highly problematic) to try to change that is harmful to him as well
c) he had no compunctions about lying to you for a very long time. Despite understanding the difficulties stigma against his kink put him in, at what point is it not ethics to continue to be loyal to this person, but foolishness?

HE doesn’t have you paralyzed. He is using YOUR sense of fairness to manipulate you, and YOU are letting that happen. You have choices, including separating (with a fair financial settlement) while he works out his issues. Building a life of your own. Then the two of you could decide where you want to go from there.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
3 years ago
Reply to  PrincipledLife

Please keep an eye on the finances. While he’s contemplating fixing his brokenness he could be moving money to set up his new life.

PrincipledLife
PrincipledLife
3 years ago

Thank you, Sucker Punched, I will.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  LimboChump

“I will never know it all”

That helped me a lot to move on. I just never will.

Sugar Plum
Sugar Plum
3 years ago

I didn’t find out by snooping, but after Dday you bet your ass I investigated (snooped). I didn’t even bother to hide it either. He would stand over me furious while I looked for more evidence of his cheating. He raged and I laughed in his face when he tried to get righteous with me. FTN! I wouldn’t have needed to investigate if he hadn’t cheated. He had no idea my cyber security background gave me the knowledge to pull up his phone and our family computer’s entire network traffic for weeks. God he was so stupid. It wasn’t that I was dumb, I trusted him because I was supposed to be able to. Once I discovered he wasn’t trustworthy, it was pretty easy discovering the rest. I even forensics his cell phone when he threw it at me and told me I could look because nothing was on their. Stupid stupid stupid. He really thought that just because he’d erased everything it wasn’t still on there. Smdh!

Chumpity-doo-da
Chumpity-doo-da
3 years ago

Over a period of a couple of months, I became more and more suspicious of XW talking to an old high school friend, suddenly having more interest in hanging out with the ‘girls from work’, and having her phone password locked for the first time in 8 years together. Then, after a few of weeks of obvious discard, I got the usual “ILYBNILWY, I think we should get a divorce” by text while I was at work. Blindsided by that, I went to a therapist who told me that I needed to know with no uncertainty if my suspicions were correct before making a decision on how to proceed. So, I activated the OnStar tracking on XW’s car, looked up OM’s address on the county tax appraisal website, and watched the map in real time as XW drove to OM’s house the next time she said she was going out with the girls. Felt more like my insides were being ripped out than guilty for snooping.

I held my tongue for another week when I got an alert that her car was somewhere it shouldn’t be right before picking up our oldest from school. That meant that our younger two were in the car with XW, so that night I asked middle son where they went with Mommy before they picked up older son at school. He said they didn’t go anywhere. When I told him I knew they went somewhere, he got wide-eyed and then started to cry. I told him he wasn’t in trouble and that I would never ask him something like that again. That was the end of my snooping, and it till makes my blood boil that XW made our kids complicit in the deception.

Of course, XW was incredibly unoriginal when confronted by telling me that I had no right to track her. She then had OM remove the fuse so that the GPS wouldn’t work, lol.

tinybubbles
tinybubbles
3 years ago

We were on vacation and I couldn’t get my laptop to sign onto the hotel internet. He insisted I use his lap top because he’d been able to get onto the internet. When I opened his laptop up, tranny and gay sex interactive sites were all over. I cried, and he said that he can never trust me again, and that he wanted to go home and leave me stranded there after what I had done to him. I stayed another 7 years…