Great Resources on the Web
www.manipulative-people.com by Dr. George Simon. Dr. Simon, friend of the blog, is a psychologist with over 25 years of experience with personality and character disorders. He’s the author of “In Sheep’s Clothing” and “Character Disturbance.” His blog has terrific articles on manipulation tactics and what makes manipulators tick.
Outofthefog.net — This is one-stop shopping for everything personality disordered. Great forum, especially for those in “unchosen” relationships (like family members), and check out the 100-traits of disordered people.
http://marriedtoasexaddict.com According to the founder: “This helpful blog for partners and wives of sex addicts has been offering support and resources to women in relationships with sex addicts for over a decade. Thousands of
comments, stories, articles and advice.”
https://sisterhoodofsupport.org A safe and completely private online support group for wives and partners of sex addicts. For women only. Nominal subscription fee.
Dr. Irene — A terrific site on verbal abuse. Look past the cute kitten decor. The articles are tops.
Domestic Violence and Substance Abuse — For the jerks who put the “abuse” in substance abuse. They often go together.
Dating Resources
Baggage Reclaim — started by a woman who used to be an OW and wised up. All about boundaries with players and other good stuff.
Captain Awkward — because dating is awkward as hell.
Consumer Affairs on dating services. Free resource. Explains all the various dating sites and comes with personal reviews and scam warnings.
MEATHEAD MOVERS
An incredible moving company in California helps victims of domestic violence by moving their belongings at no charge. After starting the company with his brother 18 years ago, owner Aaron Steed was at first surprised by the calls: “I’d periodically get calls from someone — usually a woman — fleeing an abusive relationship. There were a lot of intense moments and crying… I remember the conversations pretty vividly and feeling a tremendous amount of panic and sadness. Handling those phone calls made it very real very quick. As the jobs went on, we realized we were potentially saving lives.” After recognizing the scale of the need and unwilling to take money from people in such distress, the brothers decided to make free moving services for people fleeing violent situations a company policy.
The company, Meathead Movers, primarily employs student athletes and works with local domestic violence shelters to ensure that all movers are trained to handle the tense situations they may encounter during a move. One mover, AJ Clarey, described helping a woman move from the same San Luis Obispo County town where he grew up: “That hit home for me. The shelter she was working with contacted us and we discreetly set up the move. When we showed up, she had everything packed. We moved her items from one side of the county across to the other. When we finished, she was literally in tears. Without our help she wouldn’t have been able to pay to get her stuff moved. We got her into a safe place with her children.”
Such experiences, Steed believes, are important for his young employees and their understanding of domestic violence. “As I get older, I can’t help but really value and appreciate more and more the tone this sets for my employees who are involved in actually moving these victims,” he reflects. “I can’t help but think and hope that it changes their perception of themselves and their ability to have a major impact to do something that can really help someone in need.”
As for the survivors themselves, Meathead Movers’ rapid and discreet service has been invaluable. “They’re wonderful, sensitive, caring and enthusiastic,” says Kathleen Buczko, executive director of Good Shepherd Shelter, a refuge for homeless women and children in Los Angeles. “They help turn something that had been associated with something that was so incredibly traumatic into a celebration of moving to their new homes and to a new life.”
For those who would like to help, the company asks supporters to donate to domestic violence shelters in their own communities — you can find listings for US shelters (https://www.domesticshelters.org/) and for shelters around the world (http://www.hotpeachpages.net/). They also encourage other business owners to get involved in helping end domestic violence at http://www.meatheadmovers.com/pledge/
To read more about the compassionate movers of Meathead Movers in the LA Times, visit http://lat.ms/1TZdG9l
For stories of girls and women experiencing and overcoming abuse and violence in their lives — which offer a helpful way to talk to young people about the widespread problem of violence against women — visit our “Abuse & Violence” book section at amgrl.co/1lQzaJG
To help your Mighty Girl learn how to build supportive, mutually respectful relationships, there is an excellent guide that provides foundational advice on approaching relationships in a healthy manner, “A Smart Girl’s Guide to Boys,” for girls 9 to 13 http://www.amightygirl.com/a-smart-girl-s-guide-to-boys
For LQBTQ youth seeking relationship guidance, we recommend “Queer” for ages 13 and up at http://www.amightygirl.com/queer
An outstanding resource for older teens and adults about the early warning signs of abusive relationships, myths about abusive personalities, and how to get help is “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” at http://amzn.to/1UfD7mU
If you’re a parent concerned that your daughter may be in an unhealthy relationship, check out the books “But I Love Him: Protecting Your Teen Daughter from Controlling, Abusive Relationships” (http://www.amightygirl.com/but-i-love-him) and “Saving Beauty From The Beast: How to Protect Your Daughter from an Unhealthy Relationship” (http://www.amightygirl.com/saving-beauty-from-the-beast).
For books for children and teens about the power of kindness to change the world, visit our “Kindness & Compassion” section at http://amgrl.co/1JIHLCr
Included in the selection are two of our favorite books focused on fostering children’s compassion for others by giving them a visual way to think about kindness: “Have You Filled a Bucket Today: A Guide to Daily Happiness for Kids” for ages 4 to 8 (http://www.amightygirl.com/have-you-filled-a-bucket-today) and its sequel “Growing Up With A Bucket Full Of Happiness” for ages 9 to 12 (http://www.amightygirl.com/growing-up-with-a-bucket-full-of-happiness).
I lived in San Luis Obispo County for 13 years. I am very familiar with the company Meathead Moovers family! They are a fantastic company and I am so happy to see them mentioned in CL and how they help people in domestic violence situations. They are student mover atheletes who have to exercize and keep moving the entire time they are working. It keeps them in great shape too! I believe they were a company founded off of Cal Poly’s senior project students, (like Jamba Juice). I feel proud to know that this company now has it in their policy to move people of domestic violence free of charge! Kudos to them! Moving can be so expensive, plus many cheating sociopathic spouses keep their partners financially strapped/financially abused and controlled, so that they can use them. Abusers physically are saying, “you will not leave me!”.
Well I say screw that! Anyone who feels they have to control and trap someone into not leaving them is psychotic. This website is a Godsend for those of us who have been cheaten on and abused. Thank you Tracy for creating this site, and also to Meathead movers too! Stay strong chump community!
Highly recommended for the recovery of your mind, body, and soul after suffering severe betrayal at the hands of someone you loved and trusted deeply: “Love and the Mystery of Betrayal”, Sandra Dennis.
I have personally whitnesed domestic abuse situations where the women keeps on forgiving the cheating and/or abusive husband. (Of course this also happens with husbands trying to leave abusive wives, I am only giving examples here). Every time the woman forgives her husband, he looses more and more respect for her. In his mind, he is thinking, “Damm, I’m pretty good! She believed me on that one, I can do it again!”. I have a best friend who constantly tells me that her neglectful, emotionally, mentally, and financially abusive husband is cheating on her. But she wont confront him because she doesnt have any hard proof/tangible evidence! So he continues to do it and her self esteem is just rotting away.
We come up with a plan for her to escape and find her a safe place for her. I set up a private secret bank account for her, find her a lawyer, ext… I spend hours consoling her and supporting her. But when the time comes for her to leave, she backs down and says, “Oh he isn’t really that bad, I really do love him.” My palm hits my face, and I’m baffled and say WTF?, but I step back and respect her decision. After the third time, I say to my friend, I love you, but I cannot do this anymore. I have to take care of myself. I will be here for you if you need me, but you have to make up your mind. She says, I know,… I know,… I’m sorry, I still love him and he just gets into these depressed moods. His father died last year, and he isnt happy with his job and there is nothing to do in the city we live in and blah blah blah…. I tell her she is spoon feeding me bullshit.
I feel so angry inside because I want to help her and protect her, but she just isn’t ready and she is just jerking me around. I finally told her that Im convinced she has Battered Wife Syndrome, and that I have been talking to my own therapist about it because I am completely frustrated about helping and not helping her. My friend is a smart lady who was once very independent and strong, but her husband has reduced her self esteem to the size of a pea. And I can’t do anything about it. I’ve had many very blunt honest and critical talks with her about how abusive her husband is, and she completely agrees with me! But she won’t leave him. Now a year later, she has a baby with him. She quit her well paying job and is now completely financially dependent on him. It’s like all the hours and hours of crying on my shoulder and the countless hours of planning an escape, all go down the shitthole. Finally I said, I don’t want to hear about it anymore. It’s dragging me through the mud and I can’t take it any more. I will be there for you when you are ready, but no more half ass attempts. This may sound harsh to some people but I have to protect myself or else I will be of no use to her or myself. I believe in tough love sometimes to get the ball rolling. To this day she is still miserably married to him, they have no sex, he treats her like shit, she is financially dependent on him, the kid is 3 now and learning that it’s ok for her daddy to treat mommy badly. Nothing has changed, I even bought her several books on Battered Wife Syndrome. I believe he cheats to keep her controlled , keep her repressed. Meantime he, the pompous asshole runs his attention seeking marathons and post pix of his body all over FB,, goes to Las Vegas by “himself”, bought a brand new BMW, a brand new boat and jet skis, second house, and parties with his cheater friends. Ummm…. yeah… Oh and has never lifted a finger to change a diaper or go grocery shopping.
But anyway, the moral of the story was to bring to light about Battered Wife Syndrome. I bring this topic onto CL because it goes hand in hand with cheaters. For those of you who don’t know about BWS, its a mental personality where the person who is abused keeps on forgiving his/her abuser. In the meantime, the self esteem gets more and more eroded away, and the abuser gains more control over its victim. Cheating and dangling the affair partner in front of the other partners nose is a form of emotional/mental abuse. I’ve seen it happen with many women. And the cheater gets a sadistic sort of satisfaction out of it because he/she knows that their partner won’t leave them. That way they can have all the cake and Kibbles they want. Disgusting.
Sooo true. Mine manipulated me into marrying him again. I didnt realize at the time. I knew he was never a husband to me with all his going out and verbally abusing me. I really believed he was gonna try so I remarried. When I discovered his affair then I learned first hand what a cruel person he is. Just a lot of fighting and the immense hurt. On the final days of divorce, he even had the nerve to ask me ‘ are you sure you want this’? I said nothing and divorced him. It has been a few years and I have been working on my career. Yes, I think back to what I put up with for 23 years. Never once did he take me out. He even said in front of our young daughter then, “I have no love or affection for you”, I endured his abuse, but I always fought back. It was just an endless circle of fighting. No love, nothing. Even though I stood my ground with him, I didn’t realize it was abuse. I guess because I was use to it in childhood. There would be days my ex and I would get along and sometimes he would be nice. Just two people comfortable in a long marriage. That is what I believed.He threw the crumbs. It is easy to go along with the situation because one gets use to it. When you never are given care and respect you dont think about it. Its just normal.
Now, I am feeling good, but it still hurts. I think about what he did and what I missed from a relationship. A person has to search it out themselves. Something will trigger a response to end it. I searched a lot of literature to learn about these disorder people. I even went to a counsler. The ladychump site has been the best one that truly says it like it is. Most people do not understand. FOr me, my family been unsupportive in everyway. My ex has a good image and a good job, so what is wrong with me. I was always the rebel.
You have to be strong. Some women crawl in the corner.
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Hello ~
I found a book called “How To Do No Contact Like A Boss” by Kim Saeed. It’s about narcissism and hopefully can help some others on this sight. I just started it but like very much what I’m reading. Good Luck to all on this site. I think of you often, and although I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone, I’m glad I’m not alone. xxxooo
Right on, I love Baggage Reclaim, and happy to see you listed it. Actually discovered that one before CL. Great advice, but doesn’t embody the same snark, or emotional intensity as CL.
Here is another good place to stop by: beluckyinlove.net (or just click on my name FloridaLady) The website contains insightful and compassionate material on dating, relationships, and breakups. My favorite section – Breakups – was especially helpful. There was this article asking to write a letter … to my future boyfriend or a husband (instead of to my ex!). Very clever. hope you will find it useful too.