Recent Posts

Dear Chump Lady, Cheater’s mom enables him in his affair

Dear Chump Lady, It has taken several D-days (yes, I’m a chumpy chump) to realize that my fiance is not going to change. Now I’m working on putting together a workable exit plan and am just holding on until I can graduate and have enough put away in savings. One of the things that has […]

What’s Your Patronus?

A chump commentator Glinda once wrote: I feel my anger has taken a patronus form – a huge tiger that sits there silently reminding me to stay on guard. It’s good now. Anger came back when I realized the kids and I were putting up with things that aren’t normal – that are abusive. So I […]

The Power of Ridicule

Yesterday’s post we discussed the “I Fail to Understand Your Hostility” mindfuck. I suggested that when faced with gaslighting the best thing to do is disengage and stop trying to help the manipulator “understand.” They understand perfectly. They’re mindfucking you. Take it like a nice agreeable little chump, won’t you? I left off another powerful tool […]

The “I Fail to Understand Your Hostility” Mindfuck

There is no mindfuck like the I Fail to Understand Your Hostility mindfuck. As mindfucks go, it’s Jedi-level mindfuckery. Oh sure your lesser manipulator can sputter some pathetic lies, or shrug and play dumb. The IFTUYH mindfucker, however, is one cool customer. Zero adaptive anxiety. Your inchoate rage just bounces off their wall of smug. This crazy […]

When You’re the Parent in the Relationship

One common thread I see running through a lot of stories here is that the chump is takes a parental role in the relationship. Gah! This person won’t pay the bills/watch the children/work a job and I must do this and then they resent me for it! Totally maddening. I was completely guilty of being […]

Biggest Empowerment Jolt after D-Day?

The early days after discovery are traumatic. Very few chumps do mightiness upon discovering their partner’s treachery. More likely, chumps are draped over furniture weeping, or puking their guts out, or doing 3 a.m. Amazon searches for the magic reconciliation resource. (I hear powdered unicorn horn is one of the ingredients…) There’s also shrieking, demanding explanations, and […]

Dear Chump Lady, My husband wants an open marriage

 Dear Chump Lady, You’ve written cogently about the way cheaters employ a double standard rather than asking for open marriage.  So I’d like your take on my sitch. After three decades of tacit monogamy, my husband asked for open marriage, pretending to be all honest and transparent and progressive, and was angered by my conventionality […]