And no, you don’t have to pretzel yourself into a thousand pleasing contortions to win back a cheater. This is about saving your sanity and decoding mindfuckery.
The Basics of Cheating
Why do cheaters cheat?
Because they can. Because it doesn’t hurt them to hurt you. Because entitlement. Read about Ego Kibbles — a cheater’s currency of narcissistic supply.
Why won’t they leave?
Because they like having both the affair and the marriage. It’s not a competition, it’s about maintaining an abusive power dynamic, explained here:
It sure feels like a competition.
That’s because you’re doing the Humiliating Dance of Pick Me. Stop it.
I need to read a 1,000 articles about narcissists.
No. (Well, okay, if you need a hobby.) Trying to figure cheaters out is Untangling the Skein of Fuckupedness. It’s a coping mechanism. Instead, you need to ask yourself is this relationship acceptable to you? And start protecting yourself.
Just Discovered Cheating, Now What?
Here’s your immediate just-found-out triage. Self-care! Choke down that tunafish sandwich.
What NOT to do after discovering cheating. These are all the rookie mistakes, trial-tested by millions of chumps.
How to Leave a Cheater — Here’s how to take back your power.
Do I have to think about money right now?
Yes, you absolutely need to think about money. Double lives cost money. Shields up! Read this excellent advice from Certified Divorce Financial Analyst Vickie Adams here on Leveling the Financial Playing Field.
The Odds of Reconciliation
I think I see remorse!
I think I see a unicorn. I don’t believe “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” But I do believe that entitlement feels better than humility and people prone to escapism and abusive power dynamics tend not to get character transplants. Change is hard and the odds are long. I think you have better things to do with your life. Read my arguments Reconciliation and Entitlement.
They said sorry!
Sorry is as sorry does. Is It Real Remorse or Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse?
Here’s 5 Things That Keep You Stuck With a Cheater. You can’t chump a chump. We’ve done these mental gymnastics.
This is your brain on hopium. Put down the pipe.
Trust that they suck. It’s not you.
You totally can do this. Millions (yes millions! if my blog numbers are anything to go by) have left cheaters and found happier saner lives and you can too.
The Walls in Your House Will Sing. My aunt’s inspiring story.
I promise, you will get over it. One fuckwit does not define you.