Best Friend Is Having an Affair. Should I Keep Her Secret?
In a letter to The Ethicist, a woman writes to say her best friend is having an affair. She feels uncomfortable keeping her secret. The Ethicist completely flubs the advice. Chump Lady does not.
***
The Ethicist really screwed the pooch in his last column, where a woman writes to say her best friend has been having a year long affair with someone in their friend circle. And another of her close friends is BFFs with the chumped wife. The ongoing conspiracy is bothering her conscience. Should she keep protecting the cheater friend?
None of us knows what goes on in a marriage…
Most of us know far less about what goes on inside other people’s marriages than we may think — how often the partners fight or forgive, what private understandings hold them together. Without that knowledge, any attempt to intervene is a shot in the dark. Even the modest goal of “not making things worse” assumes you can tell what worse would be.
Oh, oh! Raising my hand! I know what worse would be! Says the lady with the chump blog! Cervical cancer from untreated STIs! Years of sunk costs! Financial theft! Being the object of pity from everyone who knows and keeps the secret!
Curiously, none of these outcomes occurred to the man with the New York Times column on ethics.
Mind your business!
That’s why it’s often better, in these circumstances, to shift from thinking about outcomes to thinking about obligations.
Yes, our obligation here is to protect cheaters’ inalienable right to screw around with impunity.
The question isn’t “What will make things better?” but “What do I owe, and to whom?” Here, your primary bond is with your best friend. You don’t seem to know her lover’s wife well, but your other close friend is loyal to her. When your best friend confided in you, it was under the seal of friendship: The keeping of confidences is an expectation that forms part of that moral contract. Telling others — especially someone likely to tell the wife — would be a serious betrayal, and you would become the source of a revelation that could hurt several people at once.
Betrayal?!
First off, OP, you don’t need this friend. You don’t share the same values. And YOU “Ethicist” — would you give this advice if there was any OTHER kind of abuse? Grandpa diddles little kids. You have a seal of loyalty to grandpa to Not Tell on Grandpa. Coworker is pilfering the petty cash. It would be a real betrayal of that coworker were you to rat them out to HR.
Be real about who you’re siding with here.
Also, the Ethicist is pulling out the old cheater trope of The Problem Isn’t What I Did, the Problem Is You Spoke of It.
Who broke the vows?
You can think that the wife has a right to know what’s going on without thinking that you have a duty to tell her. That duty lies with her husband, the person who broke his vows. Coldplay concerts aside, we generally don’t go around exposing whatever instances of infidelity we come across.
Yes, because people who break their vows and conduct yearlong double lives are so good at telling the unvarnished truth. Perfect solution. We’ll just wait for the unethical person to do the ethical thing! Problem solved! In fact, why on earth do you have an Ethics advice column when bad actors can be relied upon to behave ethically?
What you do owe is candor with your best friend. Encourage her to end the affair, or to confront its consequences openly. If you decide, in the end, that you can’t keep her confidence, let her know before you act. If you decide that silence is the lesser harm, then keep the secret fully. Confiding in your other friend wouldn’t ease your burden; it would just spread the damage.
Interesting word choice: Damage.
You can spread the truth, or you can spread “damage.”
Interesting word choice “confidence.” You can keep her confidence or you can refuse to keep her secrets. You can refuse to conspire in another woman’s abuse.
Marriage is a serious moral institution. So is friendship. And sometimes, as here, they make conflicting claims on us. If you choose to speak, first tell your best friend why. Whether you choose silence or disclosure, let the decision be a considered one, rather than an act of avoidance under the guise of loyalty.
This is an odd note to end on. Obviously she’s considering what to do BECAUSE SHE WROTE INTO THE NEW YORK TIMES. This has been weighing on her mind for an ENTIRE YEAR.
I think it’s more likely the Ethicist feels morally muddled on the topic of cheating — fortunately the comment section did not — they handed him his ass. So, the Ethicist flubbed the landing as well as the entire column.
OP — Tell. Because that is the ethical thing to do.
This is the comment I left at the NYT.
Infidelity is abuse. It’s a conspiracy against the unknowing partner. That abuse has real consequences. Not just diverted money that goes to the affair, the risk (or actual) STIs, the psychological abuse of lying and gaslighting the unknowing partner — but conscripting other people into enabling the abuse. This woman is being conscripted. The ethical thing to do is to say no, I won’t keep your secret. And live by the Golden Rule. You’d want to know if it were you, right? So you tell the wife. Because it is the difficult, kind, humane thing to do. What she does with that knowledge is her business. And you find a new BFF who shares your values. Because real friends don’t enlist you in the abuse of innocents.
Chump Lady
I have written to the NYT’s Ethicist several times in addition to posting a comment online when articles like this pop up. I would encourage others to do the same. A NYT account isn’t necessary to email comments: ethicist@nytimes.com.
Multiple comments or emails may pound it into the Ethicist’s head that cheating is abuse and keeping one’s mouth shut is being complicit.
I wonder if The Ethicist will print a retraction. They just gave permission to cheaters to begin or continue their behavior. Chumps with assets/attorneys should confront the secret keepers during a deposition.
I knew that was your comment! I read it, applauded how perfect a comment it was, saw the “Tracy” and “Virginia” and thought, Must be Chump Lady!
In every single instance of a letter about a cheating spouse, the Ethicist consistently says “do not tell.” He is just as consistently wrong.
Same! I knew that was our Tracy! Well said. I especially like the first sentence: “Infidelity is abuse!” Keep spreading the word.
By the way, I often disagree with the ethicist on many issues and find better takes in the comment section.
Kind of makes you wonder about the Ethicist’s personal morals. Interesting that they are keen to perpetuate the trope of keeping secrets for cheaters.
Bravo on your response. Reading the segments of the response you shared made me puke in my mouth a bit. The Ethicist should be fired. Wow.
Ironically the only person who decided to make a comment concerning Cheaty’s affair was a coworker whom I considered unethical. In part because Cheaty fed me stories about said individual. Chumpy me rejected the idea without reply and immediately told Cheaty what this horrible person had said to me. How dare they try to start trouble in our marriage. Cheaty couldn’t have agreed more.
Triple face palm.
It’s so twisted that he spouts words like “betrayal,” “moral contract,” and “loyalty” to justify enabling these two jackholes.
The chumped wife is being robbed of her consent. Period.
Also, they used to say “it’s private” about domestic violence back in the day.
Yeah, I’ve had this happen before. I found out that a friend was screwing around on her hubby. I confronted her and told her if she didn’t tell him I had no problem telling him. He did come to me to say thank you, but they were going to “work it out”.
Did it work out? Why, I have no idea. I went full no contact with those people. I wanted nothing to do with that shit show. Best decision ever!
the ethicist seems to be trying to make the Broculture argument – false equivalencing friendship with marriage. His goal was definitely not to out the cheater and to rationalize this by saying well you dont know that other woman anyway. Chumplady’s advice was perfect…doing the righ tthing means helping someone even if they arent your best bud….let that woman know her partner is cheating with whatever man or woman etc and save her from an ever spiraling disaster and serious health risks.
Having lost many “friends” who took both sides and kept hush hush…let me say a resounding H No on keeping secrets and claiming peace and happiness. NOT A FRIEND.. After 2x cheater there is NO WAY I can keep a cheater in my inner or outer circle. Nope No.
And a shout out today on poet Sylvis Plaths Birthday, who took her life after her husband of 6 years left her for OW. Just think what she could have written today if she knew CL.and got support!! Though one” redeeming ‘factor on her cheating husband Ted Hughes,as he became her literary executor after driving her over the edge. Nice move Ted! Back to today’s story…get new friends.
Sylvia Plath wrote The Bell Jar her first and only novel. She died at age 30 in 1962
Friendships are not bound by vows or legal contracts; therefore, marriage fidelity is on a higher ethical level. An ethical and good friend would not engage in this behavior, nor place a person in this type of position.
I thought the same. Marriage is so different from a bond of friendship. His arguments seemed juvenile to me.
Yep. I think he was trying to come off as “ethical” and above the fray; it fell flat and came off as relativistic.
I also commented on this Ethicist column and I drew from Tracy’s book and our community when writing my comment. One thing that resonated with people from my comment is the concept that betrayed people may be unknowingly walking around with STDs. People seem to be ok with “look the other way” and “we never know what is going on in a marriage” advice until they imagine themselves stuck with STDs from their cheating partner. The unfairness of that hits a nerve. I’ll keep that in mind when I talk and write about this in hopes of changing the narrative little by little.
People also seem to wake up when the prospect of stolen money is raised. Even health risks are not viewed as threatening as financial risks. Cheaters divert marital funds all. the. time.
That’s why it would be foolish for the OP to tell her cheating friend that she is going to reveal the “confidence.” That gives both cheaters a chance to hide / divert assets.
Yes, it might be smarter to just condemn the cheating and withdraw from the friendship, but not let the cheating friend know if and when and how the chump is going to be tipped off (and then get the info to the chump in a timely manner).
Dear Ethicist, please answer this question: Why should we value ethics? (And then go on to excuse abuse..)
One of the things I loved most about CL, is that she gets to the heart of it, and points out the facts.
Infidelity is a topic that comes with so many outdated theories. “it happens because the partner wasn’t putting out”, “love wants what it wants”, “you have to fight to keep the marriage at all costs”. And I think CL is out there fighting these bs theories single-handedly most of the time.
This “ethicist” must be 200 years old because they are pulling out all the crusty old theories.
“We don’t know what goes on in a marriage, or what agreements they have”.
The Chump could be an absolute nightmare to live with and that still doesn’t mean cheating is ok. And if a married couple have some kind of agreement to be open, then telling is fine. All these excuses just make it sound like the ETHICIST doesn’t think cheating is a problem.
But what I loved most about CL’s retort? Would they give this advice if the misdeed was anything OTHER than cheating? Your best friend tells you she has murdered someone, is it now your duty to keep that secret? They are embezzling money from their clients, you keep hush hush. Jokes referencing the song “Earl had to die” aside, no one would EVER say that about anything but cheating.
The thing about keeping that secret is that is is just wrong for you to know, and the chump not to. I will always trot out a Chump here who moved across the country, away from a job, family and friends, thinking it was for her husband’s career. Only to later find out that he moved them cross country to be close to his AP. You simply do not know what decisions some chump could be making about their lives not knowing that they are married to a FW.
This picked a scab for me when I read it in the NYT. My FW XW had four womem she was close too. One childhood pal cheated with a married coworker and she carried her secret. Two other friends spouses cheated on them. XW was incandescently angry with these husbands. Then there was my FW that filled me with stories about how all the other teachers at her school were mean to her and were spreading false rumors about to get her transferred or fired. So when I got an anonymous phone call about her cheating I ignored it as just an example of what she was telling me. Years later during a wreckoncilliation attempt, I told her this event. She was astounded and angry at ME for not asking me about the call, when SHE was the one who concocted the cover story. Such a tangled web FW’s weave.
Wanted to add, if this was just a run of the mill advice column, I could understand SOME gray areas being addressed. Gray as in, if you tell this acquaintance that her husband is cheating, it is likely to get messy between you and your friend, the AP. From a purely selfish perspective, telling is not going to turn out all that great for their friendship. And it will likely add some turmoil to the AP/Bestie’s life.
That doesn’t change the fact that telling is the right thing to do.
But it does make it all the more odd that this is a column on ETHICS and they are not advising the ethical option.
What about the fact this “BFF” is using the OP to collude in the abuse of the faithful spouse by keeping the nasty secret? That does not sound like friend-level behavior–let alone best friend behavior. Sadly, the Ethicist doesn’t talk about that ethical dynamic either.
I am happy that at the very least the columnist from “The Times” was in part encouraging a confrontation. Granted it was pretty softball and the dropped the rest of the balls, but hey, partial credit! I reject the article otherwise, but do want to acknowledge the little it got right and some wayward soul may make that the “take what is good and leave the rest” part.
I think at this point in my life I’d probably leave the friend group entirely. I read things like this and wonder who else might have an inkling/be complicit and is not speaking up. If nothing else dropping the bomb is going to get you off of Christmas card lists pretty quick.
I think those of us with Switzerland friends in the equation all had the same fundamental question once the initial shock started to wear off-“who knew?” followed by “and why didn’t they speak up?” Followed by some pretty deep resentment (and in most cases a dead bond.)
I would also be very curious what the ages of the people involved are. I was reminded pretty curtly recently that a lot of those friends that you make in college are actually sort of detente friends born out of necessity-and during a very strange period developmentally (haven’t had my coffee yet to tell you what part of the brain hasn’t finished developing-the buzz phrase with my reality canary is “everybody is kind of a sociopath in college”). It’s part of my logic for just dropping the friend group-if these are relatively inexperienced people, “this person ruined the friend group by narc’ing” rather than “this person ruined the friend group because they became morally casual about their vows”
In other words, “they might be your friends, but is your meterstick for friendship necessarily including them as ‘good people’?” I had to do a purge of college friends after more than one incident informed me that ‘no, they are not good people’. And yes-that forced me to take a pretty unhappy look at myself as well. We are adults-real friendship is about so much more than having a good time. It’s extended family.
This friend group sounds quite toxic TBH. I would advise an anonymous way to inform the Chumped wife.
On the other hand, I learned rather accidentally, in the long aftermath of my own D day, that my frenemy and a couple of Switzerland friends (former friends I should say) husbands are almost certainly cheating on them. But I don’t feel much obligation to inform these beeyotches.