Betrayal Trauma Affecting Job Performance
She thinks betrayal trauma is affecting her job performance. She lost a job right after D-Day and is mourning the loss of her professional status on top of everything else.
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Hi Chump Lady,
I am 18 months post D-day, when I discovered 25 years of infidelity and all the excuses and entitlement you can imagine. My ex would not leave the family home so I returned to full time work a couple of months after D-Day, after 17 years as a part-time SAHM. This gave me the financial means to leave the home and relationship, rent a home and look after my children.
However the job has been disastrous and I can’t help feeling yet another part of my life has been destroyed by my ex partner.
Before I had children I was a high performer and well regarded in my field. I was a therapist but after D-day was so triggered by everything I couldn’t work as one, so I shut down my private practice and took an administration job where I didn’t need to feel anything as part of my job.
However, last week I resigned after being invited to a formal performance management meeting. There is quite a complicated back story about how it got to that point. I believe I acted with integrity and was made a scapegoat for issues beyond my control.
But I also wonder, was I really myself?
Did I do and say inappropriate things without being aware of it, due to trauma?
While I am proud of myself for setting boundaries and leaving, I can’t help but wonder was I well enough mentally and emotionally to go back to work when I did? Did the trauma I was experiencing affect my performance more than I knew? Should I have instead fought harder to get him out of the house and support me financially while I recovered?
I liken my experience to being run over by a bus. I lost 10kg, couldn’t sleep, felt physically unwell. Nobody, including myself, would have expected me to work if I had indeed been run over.
Over the last year I have succeeded in getting my ex out of the house, sold it, financially settled, been a full time working mum to 3 kids and looked after my kids’ feelings of betrayal and grief.
I’m angry that my professional identity and vocation as a therapist was stolen from me through no fault of own.
I’m angry that my work has been such a disaster and ended with me being scapegoated, while he has been continuing in the career that I supported him in for so long. And angry that I might have contributed to my own downfall by going back to work too early.
I now am planning to return to work as a therapist, but I am wondering if I will be successful, or will the same thing happen again? Before D-day I was confident and successful. How long will the fallout last of this terrible nightmare? I just want to move on and enjoy my life.
Kind Regards,
Janet
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Dear Janet,
You’re going to be a better therapist precisely because you experienced betrayal trauma. Its effects are real and you know this first hand. Now, you’ll have greater empathy for anyone going through it and God knows, we need more therapists who get it. Please don’t give up.
Stop second-guessing yourself and look ahead.
You had ONE bad job experience. ONE. After being a total badass in your personal life. It could be that you were utterly depleted by chumpdom to fire on all cylinders at work — or it could be that you’re a bad fit for an administrative job. Maybe it’s both. But remember, you previously had great professional success, so don’t let this rock your world.
I get that finding a new job is just one more reinvention. One more burden on your heaping pile of burdens. You’re being asked to test your confidence — and project that confidence — at the moment you feel the lowest.
Yes, it’s NOT FAIR.
But what’s the alternative? Let some FW’s wandering dick destroy you and your livelihood? That’s one path. Or you could let this trauma inform your work. You could let this injustice fuel you.
That sounds exhausting, Tracy.
Well, it is. But don’t underestimate the power of anger as fuel. I know for myself, I was going to be god-damned if I let some FW steal the rest of my life. And that anger still fuels this blog. So, don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it.
I was a therapist but after D-day was so triggered by everything I couldn’t work as one, so I shut down my private practice and took an administration job where I didn’t need to feel anything as part of my job.
As a therapist, could you go back and train specifically in trauma therapy? Any therapists in CN have pointers on how you can prevent being triggered on the job?
Feeling things is a positive. Of course, you don’t want it to swamp your boat. But I’d rather have a therapist who understands my pain than a nitwit who hands me an Esther Perel article. The big grief state is FINITE. You will not always feel like a raw nerve.
Betrayal trauma on the job isn’t forever.
Did I do and say inappropriate things without being aware of it, due to trauma?
You might have, but it’s water under the bridge. You don’t work there any longer. I wonder if this isn’t the bad luck of being on a new job. They didn’t have the arc of your total job performance.
In a perfect world, we’d take leave after a D-Day or talk to a sympathetic boss or HR representative. But most of us are just in basic survival mode. We show up for work because we must. Because there are children relying on us. In the future, in your professional capacity, you could raise awareness that discovering a partner’s double life is trauma that needs accommodating.
I liken my experience to being run over by a bus. I lost 10kg, couldn’t sleep, felt physically unwell. Nobody, including myself, would have expected me to work if I had indeed been run over.
Then extend yourself some grace.
You did your best in a terrible time.
While I am proud of myself for setting boundaries and leaving, I can’t help but wonder was I well enough mentally and emotionally to go back to work when I did?
What choice did you have? Instead of beating yourself up, reframe it as “I’m a goddamn warrior. I went back to work after THAT.”
Did the trauma I was experiencing affect my performance more than I knew? Should I have instead fought harder to get him out of the house and support me financially while I recovered?
I’m always in favor of FWs paying chumps generous settlements. I’m sure it was very convenient for your ex that you went back to full-time work. In some parts of the U.S. that still have alimony, that would’ve factored in to what kind of settlement you got. This is something your attorney should’ve raised with you, which underscores that the recently chumped really need competent professional help on all fronts — medical, legal, and financial.
Also, it’s very difficult to get a FW out of the house unless they’re threatening you. He’s the FW who forced your hand to divorce and leave. I’m glad you’re out. I hope that’s how you see it too — you’re OUT. Was it ideal? Of course not.
Give yourself credit for how far you’ve come!
Over the last year I have succeeded in getting my ex out of the house, sold it, financially settled, been a full time working mum to 3 kids and looked after my kids’ feelings of betrayal and grief.
You’re an incredible role model to your kids. Who cares about some admin job or what some manager weenie thinks of you? You field marshaled yourself out of hell. BE PROUD.
I’m angry that my professional identity and vocation as a therapist was stolen from me through no fault of own.
He stole 25 years of your time. You’re still YOU. That identity and vocation is still there. Don’t give him any power to steal another thing from you.
I’m angry that my work has been such a disaster and ended with me being scapegoated, while he has been continuing in the career that I supported him in for so long. And angry that I might have contributed to my own downfall by going back to work too early.
Learn from it.
That’s all we can do with betrayal trauma — learn from it. What a gift that you’re in a caring profession that you can help others learn from it too. If some chump ever sits on your shrink sofa and says to her FW, “I’m furious that I supported your career while you were cheating on me” — YOU CAN VALIDATE HER.
Yes, Janet, you can stand up for that chump. Instead of saying “What needs weren’t you meeting that drove him to cheat on you?” or “Let’s book another 15 sessions on your communication styles”, you can ask that vulnerable, defrauded woman: “Is this relationship acceptable to you?” And hold her hand while she dumps him.
This could be a whole new beginning.
First of all- Wow! You are most definitely mighty in accomplishing all that in the span of 1 year. Second- I have found that when I go from a job (private therapist) where I manage my time, enthusiasm level and work expectations- to being in a role where all of the above are measured and determined by someone else- is really difficult. The small stupid things that I feel (know) aren’t important- like showing up at the dot of 9, taking 45 mins for lunch vs 35 mins that are the allocated amount on Tuesday after I did not get any lunch on Monday. I could go on.
But you saw the writing on the wall and exited yourself. Again, a very mighty decision.
Please try and see yourself through my eyes- you are freakin’ incredible.
Janet,
You have retained a clear sense of “self” and are acutely aware of how the nightmare that you have been through has affected you, particularly when it comes to your performance at work. I really would recommend that you go a little easier on yourself (you wouldn’t be human if things hadn’t affected how you perform at and your relationship with your work) and accept that it will take a while yet for you to perform as you used to. And don’t forget, that divorcing a Cheater and building a new life for yourself and your kids will absorb a lot of the mental capacity that you used to direct elsewhere; you need to forgive yourself for not being on your “A Game” every single day of the week, and Saturdays and Sundays as well!
For the two or three years after D-Day I was acutely conscious that I was not performing at work as I had previously and I was incredibly aware that my “A Game” was nowhere to be seen. I took me a while to figure out that my “B Game” was “good enough” most of the time and even longer to get “comfortable” with the fact that I needed to accept that that was all I was going to be able to deliver for a while. I got through it, and even managed to get promoted; most likely because the organisation I was working for understood what I was going through and knew that, once I’d established a “New Normal” and settled into it, my old “A Game” would likely re-emerge, even if my working patterns and priorities would likely change as a result of me getting custody of our 3 children.
I guess that what I am trying to say is to be patient, give yourself some time, give yourself some credit for what you have achieved already, accept that in time you’ll get back to a point at which you can perform at your previous levels, but know that some things will change. If nothing else, accept that your “B Game” is probably “good enough” most of the time and that you might conserve some of your precious mental capacity by reserving your “At work A Game” for when it is really needed, rather than trying to deploy it every day.
You are doing so much better than you think you are!
LFTT
I had some job performance problems. Seriously, I was written up at one point, and then over five years later, I had a perfect performance review. It happens.
I also had an undiagnosed but manageable medical issue that was affecting my energy level much more than I knew. I’ll never be a high-energy person (and never was), but I’m better. It might be worth getting a physical if it’s been awhile.
Time does help as long as you are making good choices. Really.
My gosh Janet you are mighty!
And the world so DESPERATELY needs better therapists who understand serial cheating is abuse, all of the wisdom Tracy is saying here and who don’t blame chumps.
One of the therapists we saw was so good at figuring out FW narcissistic behavior. Many years ago she was like yourself a SAHM mum of 3 betrayed by her ex. She was so insightful and told me to run. Worth her weight in gold. Today she’s got a thriving private practice and even though expensive she’s booked solid. There is so much need for trauma informed therapy.
Please harness your anger, be a kick ass therapist, and be a force of good in the world whose impact on the lives of many others can be a beautiful legacy.
Janet, you’re still dealing with your own trauma, and your children’s, so please consider if you’re up to dealing with secondary trauma from potential clients, and perhaps plan to practice accordingly while you’re still raw and recovering. Rather than a solo practice, you might want to join an agency or group practice that will provide some support.
You could consider what population you want to work with, and if/when you’re ready to deal with clients in similar circumstances, particularly chumps and couples. You mentioned having three kids. Does your practice include children? There’s a significant shortage of competent child therapists, particularly those considered “trauma informed.” You could look into certification in TBRI (Trust-Based Relational Intervention), which is designed to help parents and other caregivers support kids who have experienced any kind of trauma. Many elementary and high schools are also looking for therapists.
It’s possible your expertise showed through in your admin job, and it threatened the status quo. Is there anyone at your former job you could ask for feedback? There might have been fear or jealousy behind the scapegoating. You might want to get a few sessions with a career coach or therapist to figure that out.
Although clinical therapists are discouraged from sharing their personal lives with clients, there are a number of organizations and agencies where you could serve as a role model and your experience would be a tremendous asset.
You’ve accomplished so much in the 18 months since D-Day. All the metrics I’ve read expect it to take several years to heal from a relationship of 25 years or more.
Be kind to yourself.
Hi Janet—
First of all, I want to join everyone else in admiring you for what a bad-ass you’ve been through Hurricane Cheater. I know it’s hard to see anything inside the storm, but from the outside—wow, you’ve accomplished an incredible amount, probably while feeling like you were going to have a heart attack the entire time. You’re a warrior, girlfriend!
I wanted to tell you a short story about the job performance thing from the perspective of someone who’s a few years farther down a road very like the one you’re on now. My husband, Best Regards, abandoned our 18-year marriage for another woman in 2019, right as I was putting on a conference that was bringing our program and my work in particular to the attention of the big shots in my field (I’m an academic). Naturally, it did not go well. Worse, the trauma kept me from publishing, networking, and going after other professional opportunities for advancement for quite a while during and after the divorce. I estimate I lost about 2 years of career productivity. But even worse, it happened at precisely the moment when I was poised to step forward and become one of the senior leaders in my field. That moment passed as those leadership opportunities went to other people, and they won’t circle back my way before I retire. I had to grieve those losses along with the loss of my marriage.
But from where I sit now, 6 years later, I’m glad it happened; here’s why:
I’m not saying you’re going to travel my road exactly, but I am confident, with how bright and reflective you are and how much you’ve already accomplished, that you’re going to look back on your own Hurricane Cheater in the years to come with a sense of contentment and gratitude. I’m excited for you to meet all the new opportunities that are going to come your way, and the evolved you that is going to be there to greet and enjoy them.
Big hugs,
Okupin
We get it, Janet.
The workplace is a minefield of politics and petty bullshit- none of it matters. It can feel like you’re still in high school at times.
I was only supposed to be on a 6 month contract before my world disappeared.
I work in a prison so that certainly kept me focused while simultaneously navigating the hellscape .
Now I’m starting to get back on track to doing what I love most.
Don’t worry about what some clown at work says or does- they don’t know you or what you have worked through over the last year or so.
You are going to be the best therapist now – and you are very much needed by people like us.
Go for it, Janet- we’re cheering you on.
Hi Janet, fellow mental health professional here.
Loud and clear-I HEAR YOU!
My D-Day was coming up on two years ago. I work with a very difficult and volatile population of mentally ill individuals(the clients are even worse! (rimshot).) Granted I am more on the management side of things at this point in my career(still do a lot of direct service-as I like to say, “It’s like the air force-if you get promoted too much you don’t get to fly anymore!”)
Speaking from personal experience-I remember in the initial gravity well of D-Day (little as I thankfully remember of that period in my life) I was 100% ineffective in my role. I questioned myself a lot as we all do on and around D-Day-“how can I heal people if I can’t save my marriage?”, “If I am worth betraying I am worth nothing to anybody,” “if I couldn’t keep her faithful am I good at anything at all?” And miscellaneous reinforcement of imposter syndrome, feelings of inadequacy, and all of those little personal crusade feelings that put us in this field to begin with.
You and I learned in our educations that “self as instrument” is tantamount. We were taught the analogy of the airplane oxygen masks-“you put it on you before your charges because if you are incapacitated you are no good to the people that need you.”
I was fortunate in that regard-I let key members of my team know what was going on and they were able to circle wagons during my crying fits in the office. After all, I still went to work the next day. The place that I hated and wanted to get rid of was my only remaining stability. It took a couple of months before I was at all effective again.
You absolutely made the right call in stepping back. You had to not only navigate your personal destruction but you had to help three kids keep their heads above water with their loss of normalcy, too. In fact, it sounds like apart from a career speedbump(more on that in a minute) that you have actually remained crtically effective in your role as a healer-just not in the traiditonal sense.
See, I don’t know about you-but when I first started coming here and started to internalize that “infidelity is trauma”, all of that trauma informed care training clicked on and I was able to better identify what I was experiencing. Being therapists give us a unique perspective into healing-we already know what to do to start to move forward. Of course we are tricky clients(ask my therapist…)-we have differently challenging barriers to heal. But we get there.
You also know as well as I do that “shit rolls down hill.” Good leaders accept responsibility. Bad leaders assign blame. Methinks as our Fearless Leader said-you got scapegoated in an impossible situation by a moron. If there genuinely was a performance deficit on your part(which I sincerely doubt, see below) their should have been better coaching. It sounds like that never happened. There are such things as bad jobs and bad bosses-I imagine the same thing would have happened regardless of your psychological state.
Let us look at you objectively for a second-you were in private practice which indicates to me that you are licensed in a particular art in our field. Which means that you went through the same multiyear supervisory gatekeeping process that everybody goes through (with a matching professional degree.) If you were paying the bills in private practice that tells me that a) you were able to deal with the morons in managed care, and 2) you ARE good at what you do.
Never you mind that you weathered the destruction of your world and the dissolution of your ego at an elemental level. AND got the idiot out. AND started over. AND kept three kids sane throughout all of that (I was one of those kids once. Not pretty.) And you very wisely stepped back when you did not think it good to keep going.
Maybe that’s the sign that you need to get back onto the horse called “Therapist.”
Yes, our experiences color and tint our therapeutic process. That was always true though. Our unique lived experiences are part of what we bring to the table. It was true before and it remains true now. It’ll still be true next year as well. We are still human-we still have our triggers and blind spots that make our eyebrows twitch while we deliver services utilizing unconditional positive regard. On some level we may approach things…differently than perhaps we should have. That is part of the game. That is part of “self as instrument.”
Please do not doubt that you can do this again. If you didn’t let this destroy you it’s clear that you still have the moves. I agree with our Leader here-as you already know managing trauma helps you bring a whole new level of empathy to the table. I don’t think I need to tell you how much better ANY intervention is when you have that little glimmer of “because I’ve been there” powering it.
You are enough. You are better than you ever were. Stronger. You are Mighty. And you got this! You’ve done it before. Get ready to do it even better! It was never stolen from you. You wisely put it down when you knew you couldn’t give it your best. What I’ve found in this field? You give your best every day anyway. It’s not your 100%-it’s your 100% for that day. And we still make all the difference in the world to the people that come to us.
“The Pain of Destruction is the Joy of Rebirth”.
Two years on I’m a better healer than I ever was when my fuckwit was around and actively making things more difficult. She took more from me than I can describe. It’s been rough. All the same, we have to keep moving forward instead of falling back. I want my “2”. Day by day I’m taking it back. It was my dream to help people. She killed enough of my dreams. I’m not letting her take this one.
I don’t think I need to tell you that we empower ourselves just as much as we empower our clients. You got this. I believe in you.
Have a Mighty Monday!
You have such a way with words and ideas.
What a lovely post ! 🙌🏽
Isn’t it! 🙂
First of all, you are amazing. CL is right, you will be a better therapist for having gone through this. However, I do hope you are ready, and that it won’t reignite the trauma response.
As regards what happened with your work, consider that you were chosen as the scapegoat because you made an easy target, as others could tell you were going through something difficult and were off your game. Unscrupulous people will take advantage of somebody who shows any sign of being vulnerable. You have risen above multiple injustices and indignities and I admire that greatly. I hope we get an update from you at some point.
This
Or she could be a scapegoat because she’s just done taking shit and staying quiet about it. One side effect of the chump condition is refusing further chump dynamics.
Dear Janet, you are mighty! I work with numbers all day and I often was triggered and ended up clicking away on my keyboard with tears running down my face in the office. I like to listen to music while I work, and that is still not really possible except for the Spotify playlist „Songs to scream sing to after being cheated on„. Over and over and over again. My performance has suffered a bit but since I have been at my job for 10 years, they give me the benefit of the doubt that my performance will get better again. I can’t imagine starting a new job in the middle of this mess – you did that ! You are mighty.
I was about to burn out before DDay – I was spackling heavily, trying to bring my A+ game 24/7. Cheater was always jealous of my job and he told me it was causing me all the stress in my life (I was not seeing his gaslighting and blameshifting clearly until DDay). I ended up in tears in my bosses office being depressed months before DDay. That depression is all gone now that I left the lying cheating bastard. Somehow the job causes me less stress now, because I just don’t give an F if I am running my B game. It’s good enough – no one is complaining about my performance.
Dear Janet,
First off, I think one of the reasons you might have experienced friction in a corporate job is that you weren’t merely experiencing “post” traumatic stress at the time but the active trauma of ongoing post-separation abuse. Your ex was (and perhaps still is) actively victimizing and traumatizing you.
Your background in therapy probably gives you much more insight than average on how coercive control can be– even in the absence of overt violence– deeply traumatizing to those on the receiving end of it. From what I’ve learned about it, this might relate to the fact that coercive control is now clinically viewed as the “statistical golden thread” that best predicts eventual domestic murder even more than histories of assault in relationships.
As the late Dr. Evan Stark argued, just the existence of coercive control itself seems to be enough to morally terrorize those on the receiving end of it. To me it makes perfect sense because, whether the “gun” someone is waving at your head is made of licorice or real, it’s still menacing on an instinctual level. But to add confusion and social invalidation to the threat, most people aren’t aware of these dynamics and are too prone to pathologize victims who are undergoing it.
I’m sure you’re well versed in all the above though my sense is that not even social science has really caught up to all the weird ways which abuse undermines and isolates. For instance, it’s really hard to explain but something I’ve experienced personally and also heard fellow survivors talk about when I worked as a (nonclinical) advocate for victims of domestic abuse is that it’s almost like perpetrators spray their prey with some psychic “skunk scent” or glandular territorial marking that makes bystanders leery because it signals that danger and fuckery are afoot and nearby.
For all of our specie’s intellectual advancements, we’re still animals and still have primal intuition that factors millions of cues from environment down to picking up on fear pheromones and “vibes.” Unfortunately, most people aren’t deep, reflective or experienced enough to differentiate the cues and “vibes” indicating that another individual is “dangerous” or simply “endangered.” Some might even be on the wrong side and play for “Team Abuser” in some way, but I think most bystanders simply pick up on something being generally “off” and become avoidant or sometimes even hostile– like the way chickens in a coop may peck to death the one chicken with a single feather out of place.
Furthermore, I think this dense, overgeneralized primal bystander response is something that perpetrators can count on to further isolate their targets which leans to the argument that there’s something purposeful and intentional in the way abusers induce emotional trauma in their targets and also seem bent on keeping victims in reach so they can keep doing it interminably. I’ve never seen this discussed in any clinical tome on victimology but I think it’s because perpetrators of every stripe know that, once victims get out of abusers’ orbits and start to truly recover, they’ll shed that isolating “smell”, will find their supportive tribe again and could potentially become forces to be reckoned with. So, short of actually murdering their victims to silence and deactivate them forever, many perpetrators settle for periodically rebooting the terror and trauma program– basically dousing victims with another good blast of glandular trauma stink.
As a side note and speaking of those who secretly play for “Team Abuser” in some way in their lives, given the US political zeitgeist at present which seems to reward bullies and silence victims in a broad sense, the corporate arena may be particularly packed with unreflective individuals because the system tends to weed out anyone with depth and a tendency to reflect.
According to my two organizational psychologist uncles who specialized in studying how various personalities fit within various professional structures, the currently typical top-down corporate hierarchy might not be the best fit for an intuitive, reflective and obviously justice-oriented individual like you (my uncles thought clinical narcissists and “subordinate authoritarians” fit– for better or worse– well within top-down structures). Conversely, my uncles might think someone like you is a great fit for an organization with a vision that prioritizes equality, integrity and justice.
But something else my uncles studied was how those invested in the bully dynamics of top-down structures and are successful in those arenas tend to be very intuitive but in a predatory sense and consequently vigilant in keeping out potential cage-rattlers. In other words, those types might see you coming and know you don’t fit before you realize it yourself, especially if you’re still limping from battle wounds and don’t fully appreciate your own strengths at the moment. But, limping or not, you could still intangibly vibe like a potential upstart and apple-cart-overturner which could make the other “side” feel all hinky and defensive.
I didn’t read everything my uncles published but one of them explained the above to me over dinner when I was in a similar situation to yours and found myself being scapegoated by a boss despite being very good at my job. I was completely blown away when, several years after I left that job, the boss ended up all over the headlines for raping around a dozen women and underage interns over the course of 20 years. My uncle wasn’t magically prescient but just made an educated guess that my “type” — someone with a social justice bug– would likely set off intuitive “whistleblower” alarms for someone invested in abuse of power.
But back to the issue of “trauma vibes,” because you’re still forced to at least parallel parent with your creepy ex, he may still have you within blasting range. Though the good news may be that, once you’re finally out of range (whether emotionally or actually), you could find that all your social and work interactions begin to go more smoothly whether you’re in the perfect setting for yourself or not which would at least put the choice of whether to stay or go or pursue various relationships more in your hands.
In fact, rather than having traumatic experience inhibit your ability to thrive, you could even find random people being inexplicably drawn to you (though whether you’re mutually drawn to them may be another matter). That might be another primal vibe thing that hasn’t been clinically explored or might not even be measurable: how individuals who’ve managed to fully process and integrate extreme experiences and come out wiser on the other side seem to develop a certain “glow.”
That’s something else I can’t prove or explain but I’ve seen it because I live with my kids part of the year in a country that experienced extreme political violence (and, quite unusually, also implemented a program of bringing perpetrators to justice) and this happened recently enough that survivors are still around and kicking. I find a lot of them virtually “radiate.” Maybe there’s just something extra life-affirming about people who, as Doris Lessing put it, “know how easy it is to be dead” and something extra justice-loving about people who’ve experienced catastrophic injustice.
If they survive the experience, that is, which is never thanks to perpetrators but thanks to the sheer grit and humanity of survivors themselves. I don’t believe in “thanking” adversity for this learning curve and evolution because some don’t actually survive the “education.” But some do and it shows. I’m sure not right away– not before the dust has settled– but eventually.
Anyway, food for thought. I completely agree with CL that, in terms of eventually finding your place in the world and the right fit, you appear to be way ahead of the game because your clinical experience makes you incredibly valuable for the “right side”– “Team Survivor.”
Personally I think that’s the best “side” to be on. The company is certainly a lot better, smarter and funnier and frankly I wouldn’t have it any other way. I think that when you’re finally out of the orbit of this destructive ex and you find your tribe and your calling, this will all become beautifully clear.
“It could be that you were utterly depleted by chumpdom … or it could be that you’re a bad fit for an administrative job.”
There’s a third option. It could be that the people you worked for / with were jackholes. It happens. Part of being a chump (for me) is being too ready to assume that I’m at fault. After I left, I found out about actual crimes at my former office.
You are mighty for leaving — him and the job!
Girl! Sister! Please try not to be so hard on yourself. I just had to resign from a toxic job situation. It happens. I do not buy for a second that it was your fault. Better things are ahead. The world is full of toxic work situations. May we all steer clear of them in the future. We believe in you! Wishing you a satisfying prosperous career and deep happiness! With all my heart.
There are some days that reading the collective wisdom and resilience of Chumps is as beautiful and mighty as the grand canyon at sunrise and all I can do is marvel. Today is one of those days.
To weasel in with my usual profane and mundane view: Janet, if I were to draft a metaphorical headline for you, it would be something along the lines of “Woman’s Eventful Year and a Half: in which a woman recovers from being hit by a bus, raises children, wins Nobel Prize, divorces a POS, paints entire house, and runs marathon…but stresses because her pasta is never al dente.”
As other Chumps have said far more eloquently, you are mighty and we are all so proud of your determination and grit, and everything you’ve accomplished.
I’ve also used the accident analogy you mentioned when I tell people, but it goes one step further. The bus that hit you was driven by your husband, and he hit you intentionally. And if you are like most of us, while you were lying broken and bloody in the ditch, the ambulance came and tenderly lay your unwounded husband onto the stretcher, and then curtly gave you the name of the hospital so that after you crawled home and washed the blood off you could go visit and tend to him and save him from terrible things like toxic shame. Snort!
So you left a job and may have only been able to muster your B game for a period. You might have been average for a period of time after the person you loved and trusted rammed you with the bus. So what!?
Betrayal trauma and complex PTSD affect all aspects of our life, including work. How could they not? I plan to sue my STBX for intentional infliction of emotional distress if we do not settle at mediation and I can afford it. Because I lost the best years of my career. Because justice.
For the rest of this week I am going to ask myself, when faced with difficulties: WWJD? (which of course stands for What Would Janet Do?)
Morning, this is Janet here, who wrote in with this post. Thank you so much Chumplady and your community. Your comments are so kind and supportive and I really appreciate all the time you took to respond so wisely to me. I am going to take the time to read through them carefully, every one. I think what I am starting to understand is that through this site, my therapist training and my experience of coercive control and cheating, I am now “awake” and I can see power dynamics that are hidden to most other people, and I just don’t put up with them anymore, at work or at home. You could say that cost me my relationship and my job, but staying would have cost me way more- my sanity and my soul.
We need more “awake” therapists like you, who Get It. Don’t let the bastards get you down.
Been divorced for 8+ years and am only just now feeling like my pre-Dday self again both at work and physically. Getting proper perimenopause healthcare has also greatly helped me in this season. Hang in there, Janet!
I was a Realtor. How do you sell anything to anybody while going through this? How would I use people skills to call people and do open houses and be likable and personable while going through this? I was also getting weird anonymous messages and people trying to access my accounts and my FW was talking about how much he wanted me ded. How could I feel safe meeting someone to show a house? There was just no way. I had to quit. I have a new career but it was definitely unfair.
Took a year off with cheater #1 as had just had a baby. My lawyer madewife tress. Financially during the divorce process Itself. Divorce from cheater #2, lawyer said to stay put for the divorce year but I hated my house so moved out and lost money…but I loved being out of that junk pile and left it all to cheater and new wifetress. I was retired by then. I Agree that a horrible cheater kicks the stuffing out of you but because I got ANGRY, NO FURIOUS after what happened, it propelled me to take care of myself and get stronger. Who needs to weep over these creepy guys. But shock is a factor. Get as much help as you can and believe that he sucks and you deserve a great job and a better friend. It will come
Of that first line correction is my lawyer made it happen…
I’m very late to this post, but I wanted to add that no one going through infidelity trauma can bring their A game to their job. And it’s crazy brutal to imagine starting a new and different job in the middle of it.
CL suggests going back and training in trauma therapy. I think doing some retraining is good general advice for chumps. In your case, your lawyer could have pushed for rehabilitative alimony when you updated your credentials or added to them.