Did Your Health Improve After Leaving a Cheater?
The Friday Challenge this week is: Did your health improve after leaving a cheater? Goodbye stress rashes, hello peace.
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A member of Chump Nation suggested this challenge.
I used to be on 4 medications. None now. Still don’t eat right, nor on a regular schedule, but have lost 10lbs. Sleep good at night and am full of energy. I haven’t been this healthy in 25 years. All it took was getting rid of nitwit stress.
Boy, I don’t miss those stress rashes, do you?
Here’s how my health improved after leaving a cheater. I lost: teeth-grinding, rashes, hair loss (it fell out in clumps, not that you’d ever notice, given my mop), insomnia, nausea.
I’m going to sound like a cranky old lady droning on about her sciatica. But, back pain! Had that too during The Troubles!
What I gained when I lost the loser: Energy (so much energy), focus, peace.
I read once that the playwright Tennessee Williams subtracted four years off his age for the four years he worked in a shoe factory. I think chumps should subtract the years off their ages for the time they spent with FWs.
When anyone compliments me on my youthful appearance, I think I have subtracted 14 years of FWs. It must show.
And, of course, I have the added benefit a life with Mr. CL — and a good partners puts a spring in your step too. Okay, and a little more paunch around the middle for both of us. (We call it “happy fat.” But we’re working on it.)
So, your turn — did your health improve when you left a cheater?
I have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome —a connective tissue disorder. While I was with the cheater, it got so bad that I had to use a wheelchair sometimes. My former pastor told me I couldn’t leave my husband because I’d never be able to work full time. Fast forward to today—I haven’t used a wheelchair for six years. I hold a full time, great job. Also, I had been on antidepressants for my paranoia about my husband cheating. It turns out I was right the whole time. I asked my husband why he told me I should get on antidepressants when he knew I was telling the truth. He said, “well, obviously, I didn’t want you to find out.” I’m still so angry that he had me on meds I did g need to prevent me finding out he was cheating. Goodbye, antidepressants, and hello, sanity and good health.
I’m so sorry to hear that abuse made an already serious condition worse. The stress from abuse is said to be lousy for the immune system, pro-inflammatory and can apparently drive even non-predisposed people into autoimmunity.
Your story reminds me of a chapter I read in reform psychiatrist Dr. Peter Breggin’s book Toxic Psychiatry on how misogynistic abuse is often a “gateway” to inappropriate medicating for which Breggin holds psychiatrists largely responsible since by rights they’re supposed to screen patients for domestic and other forms of abuse.
I found the book in a second hand bookstore in NY after seeing (and dumping) a horrible victim-blaming therapist following an incident of workplace violence as a college intern. The title really grabbed me. After I read that chapter, I got so furious that the therapist had tried to talk me out of pressing criminal charges that I gathered evidence and witness statements (including from the perpetrator’s abused former girlfriend), went to the cops and got the creep prosecuted.
The bad therapist tried to tell me that I “drew” creeps to me because of my “bad childhood.”When I explained that I had a pretty good relationship with my family, she tried to convince me that I had buried trauma and didn’t remember being abused. When I explained that I had crystal clear memories going back to age one, she decided I was nuts and tried to push me to see a psychiatrist (naturally a buddy of hers) to correct my “brain chemical imbalance.”
She was basically doing what Breggin might call the “Procrustean bed treatment” from the Greek myth where the bandit Procrustes would lop off the limbs of overnight guests to make them fit a tiny bed. I didn’t fit her favored theories and wasn’t cooperating with her treatment plan so she tried to prune me to fit. Which is the same thing that abusers do if you think about it– assign rigid roles and chop off the parts of us that don’t fit.
Bad therapists are the worst. I’m so sorry you had that experience.
She’s probably dead by now, leaving the Upper West Side short one more pseudo-intelligent shrink to middling celebs who make their livings assuaging the consciences of industry predators.
But there’s no shortage of that type on either coast because Ivy League schools seem to crank out the faux-feminist patriarchal dick suckers on an assembly line for some reason. Gloria Steinem chalked it up to early institutional brainwashing and Noam Chomsky might attribute it to the same automatic filters which weed genuinely independent thinkers out of journalism school and corporate media.
Anyway, I’ve met so many women like this over the years. The coastal varieties seem to vibe like Glenn Close’s character from Fatal Attraction which gives me new appreciation for that performance. Alternatively, Great Plains and Southern strains tend to vibe like Kristi Noem church-sluts/Carly Bobby from Taladega Nights.
🤬An evil man, especially since you were ill already and he gaslighted you into going on meds for a non-existent mental health problem. I hope he gets what he deserves someday, and by that I mean a prolonged, painful death.
That’s so telling. I’ve thought they make issues like these so much worse and your experience is proof of that. I’m so glad you’re doing so much better, that’s wonderful and you deserve your good health and happiness!
Mine had me on antidepressants for my “paranoia” too. It’s such a betrayal. I remember when I got off everything while we were still married and I was getting better. He was like “maybe you need to go back on your meds.” when we got in an argument.. So disgusting. My best friend was married to a total narcissist, drug addict who cheated on her with men and abused her. He had her on meds for her “bipolar” too. Because of him, the doctors missed her actual problem which was epilepsy until she had a grand mal seizure that did some permanent damage to her brain. She works and functions now but has memory issues. There are so many men like this and it just makes me sick. Because we are decent people, we’re willing to consider that maybe we are the problem or we have a problem and they weaponize that against us. Doctors need to do a lot better with this issue too though. It just makes me so angry. I’m sorry it happened to you too.
Wow. Talk about gaslighting! “Oh, I’m not cheating. You’re just suspicious! Maybe you should see a therapist for that!” That he would consider it a win for him for you to alter your brain chemistry with anti-depressants is chilling.
Amen Sis!
I said goodbye to the constant nervous tension of listening for his key in the door and wondering what he was going to start a fight about now! I was drinking pretty heavily to “numb” everything and it was only going to get worse! Now I still drink but just an occasional glass of wine when I’m out with others. No more anti-depressants either, total peace in the house and believe it or not, my bank account is always in the black! Can’t get much better than that!
I’m not much of a drinker but I did drink some vodka the night I planned on telling him I wanted a divorce. I ended up really tipsy and decided to sleep it off and tell him the next day.
Scumbag was extremely conflict avoidant and passive aggressive. So when he saw that I was basically passed out he assumed I couldn’t fight so he flung the bedroom door open and started yelling asking if I was there. He knew I was, he just wanted to be a prick. I told him I was drunk and to get the fuck out. He half assed apologized and shut the door (coward hated being called out on his douchebaggery…he preferred to play dumb).
So the next day im sitting on the couch and mr I’m a coward so I start fights when I think my wife is vulnerable then play dumb when she fights back plops down next to me, puts his hand on my leg, plays dumb and pretends everyone is just fine, and asks how im doing.
I lost my shit. I told him to get his hand off of me and that we were done. Of course more playing dumb followed by pretending he hadn’t heard what I just said and talking about our plans for the day. Of course I have another ibs stomach ache.
I told him again we were getting a divorce, then he finally realized I was serious. I still had another 4 months of stomach aches with him alternating between begging, pretending he had no idea what the issues were, and claiming I’d come to my senses. But eventually everything passed and my stomach aches went away.
Mine was a coward too. Oh he was okay beating the shit out of me but then always pretended as if nothing had happened the next day, despite my bruises. I remember him lying in court so I just stared at the side of his head. He went redder and redder and redder – I think the judge knew everything he needed to know right there. Ain’t it great to be free!
I think that my health actually got worse in the period after Ex-Mrs LFTT walked out on the kids and I, largely as a result of her amping up the lies, gaslighting and manipulation. It was a full on “flood the zone with sh*t” approach, and I strongly believe that she was deliberately trying to destabilise and damage the kids and I.
Once the Divorce was finalised (some 2 years after D-Day and 18 months after she left) the kids and I were at last able to start working our way towards the future that we wanted. I would say that this was the point that my health (my mental heath in particular) really started to improve. I would say that I’m in much a better mental and physical state now than I was in the last 10 or 15 years of my marriage.
So to answer CL’s exam question, it wasn’t so much the point of leaving that marked the transition, rather the point at which the legal and financial ties were finally and decisively cut.
And for the male Chumps out there in particular, please consider seeing a therapist to help you process the trauma that results from your Cheater’s infidelity. The stigma that surrounds this is entirely unhelpful; recognising that you need help and doing something about it is a sign of strength and not (as many would portray it) a sign of weakness.
LFTT
Great points about the end of abuse/coercive control– including post-separation abuse– being the real demarcation for a lot of people and about defying stigma against getting emotional support.
HoaC,
I have always been a strong advocate for mental health and feel no shame for having got the help that I needed when I needed it.
Both of my daughters have, at different times and for different reasons, seen a therapist when they have needed to. Mental health is also something that they are comfortable discussing with me.
My son is a different story however, and it is only recently that I have been able to have a “mental health conversation” with him without him immediately shutting down/zoning out. His girlfriend is due a lot of credit for this change in him, and I’m very grateful to her for it.
LFTT
Lol, does his girlfriend have a clone? Because, sigh, one of my sons doesn’t like talking about feelings. It’s currently one of the bigger dramas of my life. I think internally he’s basically Zorba the Greek but just.won’t.talk.about.it. And now that he’s old enough to make decision for himself, therapy has been a big nope.
I haven’t given up but I do sense that it’s a very narrow window and, if he’s pressured to go to the wrong therapist, it could be worse than doing nothing. So I keep looking and asking for referrals. But even my own stellar, head-of-university-department trauma therapist has advised caution in sending the kids to therapy because she doesn’t have a lot of confidence in her colleagues who treat children.
It might be different in the UK but, where we live, the bent is often neoFreudian victim-blaming. She also suspected my son’s hyper-stoicism might not be due to emotional damage so much as wiring, evolution and hormones. He hit puberty and suddenly turned into Gary Cooper.
It happens. Men are very interesting creatures. But, in the meantime, I’ve tried to bridge the gap by surrounding the kids with positive male role models. They have a music/college exam prep tutor who I’d like to canonize if only there were secular saints. And his t’ai chi teacher is a wonderful, balanced human being. We have a lot of amazing people around us.
But one outlet my “matador” son has for expressing himself, aside from music, is through politics. He allows himself passion and dark humor over social justice issues but, reassuringly, it all seems to be grounded in empathy.
Consequently, I kind of use his political interest as a hook to introduce ideas about the politics of masculinity and how being emotionally vulnerable as a man is a genuine form of rebellion. Under the furrowed-brow stoicism, you can even see the synapses firing a bit as he takes it in. Another way I try to reach him is through literature. Some think it’s sacrilegious but I actually bribe the kids with cash to read novels. For instance, I assigned all the kids A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini and my macho son decided to compose a very emotional piano sonata in ode to the book.
Of course I knew better than to gush over his composition even if I wanted to because he wouldn’t have taken it well. But like water eroding stone, sane parenting gets through bit by bit.
Similar here, even with an ex living many states away. I don’t think my health really improved until after he threw the last legal punch in closeout. Thankfully, everything was already in motion when my ex went pro se and began playing lawyer. My attorney pretty much predicted everything and knew exactly what to do, but what a pain.
And eventually my ex let go. He got a more serious lady friend who buffered him a bit, from what little I know. And then everything got better. We haven’t heard from him in several years.
When I was under the spell of blissful delusion with FW (I can’t call him “my” cheater- fuck that he’s not mine) I had TWO tooth extractions! Two!!! After having zero dental issues my entire life. I honestly believe it was eating all that shit for all those years- believing his shit, believing my own shit so that I could believe his shit….. my mouth was like fuck this and my teeth were like get me out of here. Shit sandwiches rot teeth and they rot souls. I wish I had followed the lead of my teeth and extracted myself sooner. But I did. And I am trying mightily to be proud that I did. Now, I have spent lovely money that I don’t yet have for two beautiful implants. The teeth are in the back, no one saw it but me. But now I have restored my smile because fuck him I deserve that. Big Hugs to all Chump Nation you are my Heroes and She-ros! <3
A few months after he left, while I was still in throes of shock and grief mind you, friends started telling me that I was starting to look YOUNGER. Thank you, that’s not my priority at the moment, but it’s nice to hear.
After the paperwork was signed and the dust settled, I realized it was because as soon as he left, I no longer had to worry about paying for him. It was the first time in twenty years that I had more than two months in a row where I didn’t have to worry about whether or not I could pay all the bills. He of course never worried about it; that’s what credit cards are for, and after all, he has his own expenses to pay so I shouldn’t keep bothering him for more than grocery money.
Oh absolutely this! The financial stress just evaporated once I was no longer paying for his shit financial choices!
(hit Enter too soon) so yeah, the sudden stoppage of subconscious stress, even though there’s horrendous grief, definitely helps the body recover.
I have yet to fully eradicate my FW, but since I decided to file for divorce, I’ve challenged myself more in the activity stakes. I’ve always been pretty sociable and sing in a choir etc but I cranked it up by becoming a masters level swimmer and trained for and took part in a 24-hour march and swim challenge in Spain last month. I am close to my ideal weight and feel and look pretty good on it. I am sitting here typing this wearing quite short denim shorts which I feel pretty sassy in I must say. So, my weight is healthier and I am fitter, which shows in my mind and body. I hope to keep it up once rid of the FW for good. Who knows, maybe I’ve got an eye on the future. I laugh to my friends that I need to get “match fit” for my next sexual partner, but honestly I’m in no rush for that! I tell FW that his only form of exercise is sex (not with me), which he never sees the funny side of. I am off antidepressants too and despite still being a major Googler of character disorders etc, I am coming into my own a lot more now, despite there still being a long way to go to freedom.
Way to go Brizzler — I’m impressed with all you’re doing on the self-care and health front. My FW could never laugh about sex. It was deadly serious for him. I hope if I ever date again after the dust settles from our eventual divorce, I find a partner who can see the humor in sex and be relaxed about it.
After I got over the initial stress of the whole thing, I lost 20 lbs, my heart issues resolved and people say I look great!
I feel great!
Leaving a cheater that cheated with a much younger woman really shakes your confidence…but you can definitely get it back!!!!
Yes and I’ve observed the same with myself other chumps I know IRL. Our health going down the toilet for reasons the doctors could not figure out for years, joint issues, heart issues, growths on the skin, mini strokes. Even with extremely acrimonious divorce I’ve lost 20lbs without trying, people comment I look better than ever even though I am in my 50’s.
Now what’s strange is I hear FW health is getting worse. On top of the balding and early ED, now he’s got weird infections and growths! You’d think after getting rid of Ye Ole foul bitch here (how he thought of me during the long discard) he’d be glowing with the freedom of juggling as many escorts as his heart desires! bwahahahahaha
Leaving an abuser not only seems to be better for health, I kind of suspect that the extra dose of courage it takes to do it comes with bonus returns in terms of longevity. It may be that leaving a cheater and gaining a life turns the clock back.
My FW ex looks like crap too. Most likely the drink as although he’s slim he has a “pregnancy belly”. He came over to France last year to meet his little grandson and couldn’t stay awake at the table or eat anything, but then my oldest said “yeah, but you have no trouble drinking beer for breakfast do you”. He’ll be back over in August to meet our new granddaughter so I’m intrigued to see what he’ll look like then!
Congratulations on the new granddaughter, Attie!
I’m looking forward to the improvement pf health. I’m still waiting on the judge’s decision on whether I will be allowed to buy klootzak out of the house or if we both must move. We are still living under the same roof, though we started beginning of June splitting DS10 50/50, week on week off. And since that started, the minute he hands DS10 over, he showers and races off for the week. This is the first month of that but I am always anxious that he will suddenly show up mid-week and stress me out. He already bought another house so 20 months after I filed and now we are probably within a window of him moving in the next 30 days.
I have nausea, hair loss, weight gain, grinding teeth (cracked a molar!) and occasional need to take anxiety meds just to focus enough to work. I am tired all the time and don’t sleep well. I think the weight gain is tied to that. I just want to sleep well and lose 20 pounds. If I can manage to get that much better it will be great. I desperately need him to be gone so I can start the healing. I am very encouraged by everything I am reading fellow chumps have accomplished.
Ding dong the witch is almost gone!
You might feel sort of flattened and unreal for a bit after you’re out of his oppressive orbit– kind of an adrenaline withdrawal thing. But the capacity for joy returns eventually.
And eventually you probably won’t need meds to sleep either but just be aware that some people have lingering, unexpected withdrawal effects that prescribing doctors don’t always warn about. But the good news is there appears to be some improved withdrawal guidelines developed by Dr. Mark Horowitz in the UK called the Maudsley protocol: https://www.wiley.com/en-gb/The+Maudsley+Deprescribing+Guidelines%3A+Antidepressants%2C+Benzodiazepines%2C+Gabapentinoids+and+Z-drugs-p-9781119823025
I’m not personally invested or anything but read that creators of the guideline also launched a new online service called Outro which will specially compound progressively reduced doses on an “elliptical” schedule: https://www.prweb.com/releases/neuroscience-based-digital-clinic-for-safely-tapering-off-antidepressants-launches-in-select-us-states-302455474.html
I’m not entirely sure how the system works but think it’s a step in the right direction that there are finally formal withdrawal support services. Because domestic violence survivors regularly used to be pushed onto benzodiazepines to treat their “panic disorders” (gah, it’s called “battered women’s syndrome!), I saw a lot of people struggling to come off these meds and antidepressants in the bad old days when prescribing doctors would usually only read the drug company promotional inserts which naturally denied that their products could form chemical dependency. Because of this, too many doctors seemed to be in defensive denial about the risk of withdrawal and would act like addiction was somehow internally generated by “defective” patients rather than an expected clinical effect of the drugs. Consequently, too many doctors recommended rates of withdrawal that were too rapid and could cause horrible rebound anxiety and other symptoms. And if patients complained too much about these effects, doctors might punitively yank the prescription entirely, plunging patients into full blown medical crisis and sending them begging for meds in ER where they’d be brutally treated as “drug-seeking addicts.”
Back then we saw this kind of chaos as part of the “second injury” of domestic abuse that survivors were put through by so-called helping professionals. It was left to patient support groups to recommend DIY withdrawal protocols using pill cutters and paper scales but the whole thing seemed very precarious. As DV advocates, we felt really out of our depth and didn’t know what to do to help people but thankfully there’s been a big shift in perspective since the opioid crisis. One day there might be many different services like this available in every region.
Oh, gosh! By occasional I mean a half of a small tablet of Klonopin every 60 days or so. I have always worried about such things and have been mindful only to resort to them when it’s really bad. Just klootzak being out of the house will likely remove my need to ever use them. Once I am set up with a locked gate on my driveway and a robust security system, I think things will get better.
Oops, sorry to mother hen. I’m glad those meds exists for periodic short term crises because going without sleep can seriously damage health as well. It seems to be chronic daily use that causes the real problems.
Robust security system is the best lullaby. 😀
So it’s just 30 days until freedom! It’s going to be such a relief and you will feel better. Are you getting enough physical activity? It helps with the stress as well as helping you lose the weight. I even used it to heal from PTSD, so I can’t recommend it highly enough, especially if you have some place in nature you can walk, because nature is so healing. Even a nice park with lots of trees will do the trick. I’m lucky because I’m able to run down to the beach through the forest and do yoga right on the beach. It’s reduced my stress and anxiety enormously.
I can drive to nature when I am not with DS10 but his school and activities are all here in the heart of the city. Between that and my need for a super high speed internet connection at home for work, I will be chained to home half of the time. A walk on the gym treadmill will have to do!
Hang in there. I couldn’t get mine out of the house until the end of September, he stayed past the divorce being finalized even, it was a nightmare. It was two months and I remember those as the hardest two months of my life. My best friend went through it for like a year and she said the same thing. Absolute hell. Once he’s gone, it’s going to get so much better immediately. I’m not saying you’re going to be totally healed but it’s going to be a huge relief. I got big into yoga during that time, I just did videos from amazon prime and youtube and it helped. Just hang in there, it gets so much better.
ms. wonderful (i renamed you because YOU DESERVE IT), you are doing great. you’re holding it together. soon he’ll move out and you’ll be able to relax. cohabitating after D-day feels THE WORST. ask me how i know. those final four months were difficult.
may i suggest daily walking? i really found it helped during that time frame. repetitive movement that requires little thought, just watching out for traffic while crossing the street. good for you, too. i walked with a friend a couple times/week and it was a social thing.
in solidarity,
#damnitfeelsbadtobeachumpster
i’m much happier therefore healthier. both my BP and HR have dropped. i do have SVT (supra ventricular tachycardia), a life-long heart rhythm disorder, that is well controlled with medication, and it doesn’t trouble me unless i’m stressed or tired or jet-lagged. right before D-day i was experiencing a lot of SVTs. i really didn’t feel well.
then i was heartbroken.
generally i feel in control of my self and my life, and that is reflected in how i take care of myself. i’m on the midst of reducing my weight which quickly fluctuated up and down in the immediate aftermath of D-day. it’s going well. this past winter in therapy i’ve finally figured out why i use weight as a shield, and i’m thankful to understand that final piece. i’ve come to understand that i deserve to live free of the weight of men, if that makes sense?
i think the biggest problem with living with a narcissist is how you become somewhat inert, emotionally limited, and that has an effect on your health. how can it not?
I have PSVT and the stress of living with and then dealing with the ex during the divorce triggered a lot of events.
Your conclusion that you “deserve to live free of the weight of men” make sense to me. Now that I’m divorced and retired, I decided I’m never again putting myself in the position of, as Virginia Woolf said, serving as a looking-glass “possessing the magic and delicious power of reflecting the figure of man at twice its natural size.”
i hear you, adelante. once you see it you cannot un-see it. all that time i spent reflecting a man who cared not one iota for me. never again.
the weight of men is both literal and figurative for me–
Taking 36 years off my age sounds good to me!
When I left my ex I lost the gnawing anxiety I felt waiting for the next shoe to drop.
Same. I’ll never forget the first family holiday without my ex. Something minor went wrong–we had chicken broth instead of chicken stock for the gravy. The relief we all felt when FW wasn’t there to have a silent, stomping fit was palpable. NO drama. No accusations of my being incompetent for having bought the wrong thing.
So, yeah, I guess I was in a near constant state of anxiety for…decades, which also might explain the heart palpitations I felt in the lead-up to D-day when, of course, I had no idea he was having an affair. Apparently my body new something was not right.
I haven’t had a heart palpitation since.
Oh, the gravy! The gravy was my ex’s sole contribution to Thanksgiving, and he turned it into the single most important dish. What a diva! He was 6’4″, and he’d take over the kitchen, reaching from stove to sink, looking for his mother’s precious Tupperware flour mixer, whose top might fly off and send the broth/flour mixture all over. Do not miss that!
Oh the all-important gravy!! My goodness.
For my ex, it was cheesecake. The turkey and the sides took a backseat to that dessert. All events in the kitchen had to stop to make room for its creation. 🙄
He kind of ruined cheesecake for all of us.
i think you should take back cheesecake–have a party where everyone brings a different cheesecake. eat some for me! i miss it.
no more dairy for this gut of mine. #lactoseintolerant
I would say my mind feels the clearest and sharpest it has been in decades. I almost feel like I was unable to think fully at all with him around and now I surprisingly got my brain back.
I think it was just a constantly stressful life with him and it had gone on so long. I was the boiled frog and couldn’t really see it.
It feels like I got a 20 point boost in my IQ and my memory is sharp and actually very useful now.
I turned 70 in April. I don’t have one body ache and I can go from dawn to dusk with full active energy and not tire. It’s a pretty great upgrade from the anxious, always on edge for the next FW meltdown life I inhabited. Went on so long I just couldn’t fully see it. It just was.
June 7th was my son’s wedding. I hadn’t seen or spoken to the ex in 8 years and the wedding was down in the area we bought our retirement beach home together. ( that I bought him out of just last April)
Went back and forth as to whether he was coming or not ( he wanted Schmoops to come and that was not even a remote possibility for me or my kids)
He had another stroke early May( last was 9 years ago which he basically blamed me for, I wasn’t around to give him this one, so I guess it wasn’t me) and it was uncertain whether he could get medical flying clearance to come.
He did come, which I was super anxious over, but it was my son’s call, and he’s trying to salvage remnants of a father and deal with the trauma in his own way. I respect that and it’s his wedding.
I gave a welcome party speech for 70 guests at a marina taco night event that I threw. I’m not a public speaker, it was 25 mins long and I’d been preparing it for weeks.
Talked to the ex FW the very briefest of seconds prior to my speech, after eight years! There was a lot of emotion swirling.
He seemed nervous to me. He said “ you were always right about my BP” ( I use to tell him regularly his base BP was way too high because he had frequent emotional meltdowns that his cardiologist never saw, but I sure did, and it was regularly up very high)
He so nastily would snarl at me “ so you think you’re smarter than my f’ing doctor now!” Who said he didn’t need meds, but I knew that was not a good call.
All I said to him that entire w/e was right then, “no one wishes you harm and I hope your health improves” and I didn’t say one more word to him the entire w/e, wedding next day and send off brunch on Sunday.
I was in emotional pain but I tried not to show it. I stayed cool and outwardly calm.
My speech had lots of funny things with my memories and times with the bride and groom and I also got super serious with it towards the end.
I know you Chumps would appreciate this so I’ll share what I read here:
🤯⚠️**Never compromise trust** It’s one of the most sacred things in any relationship. It’s not unlimited. It’s more valuable than wealth, more fragile than reputation, and harder to restore than any material loss and many times, impossible. Protect it with your life!
📚Many years ago, when we were moving out of the Clifton, Va house, I made a bunch of trips to the city dump.
On one of those trips, I saw this dusty, trampled, tire marked old book lying in the road.
I don’t remember the title or where the book ended up. But something about it caught my attention, and after I unloaded my car at the dump,I picked the book up and took it home.
🚿📖💥That night, after my shower, I brought the book into bed with me. And I randomly just opened it to the middle, and read the very first thing I saw. And it stopped me cold.
It read:
🌹“Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person.
Having neither to weigh thoughts, nor to measure words, but to pour them all out just as they are-chaff and grain together.
Knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keeping what is worth keeping, and then with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away.”
😢I held that book to my chest and cried. Because those words were a truth I didn’t even know I was waiting to hear.
⛑️It’s *safety* that we all need. Safety and trust and someone who will always have your back.
🌹💍💎🎁❤️Love doesn’t survive without those things.
It’s not about the roses,the jewelry, the perfectly wrapped gifts. It’s not even about saying “ I love you” every day. (Although wonderful gestures, when given fully from the heart.)
It’s about being *seen* and being safe in someone else’s hands. Being respected. That’s true in romantic love, with our families and in friendships.
📘💒I print and laminate my city dump quote and include it in every wedding card I give now. Some cousins right here tonight have received it.
And John and Hannah, it will be in your card too.
🕊️“The inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person!”I could drown myself in that thought alone.
I would have delivered that speech if he were there or not. I didn’t write it for him, I wrote it for my kids to hear.
It was well received and I was so concerned with taking up 25 mins of ppl’s evening, but all I heard from guests was “ I wish it was even longer!” I was told he squirmed during the reading but I never looked at him.
I was really proud of myself for being able to deliver that under a VERY emotionally charged bubble!
My daughter was the officiant the next day and did a beautiful heart felt amazing job and my other son, played the keyboard at the welcome party, for the wedding and gave a blow the roof off the house best man speech!! ( glad I didn’t have to follow that!)
We showed the world that w/e, not a broken family, but one that didn’t stop loving and living because of the horrific betrayal of one messed up dad. It truly was powerful and so many ppl there felt it.
He HAD to feel extremely uncomfortable, like a fish out of water.
I’m glad he saw the strength of our love and our unbreakable bond, with extended family there too. Family is absolutely everything to us all and nothing to him.
He gave up a great deal for chase wild tail for decades and I think that was the weekend it hit him how very true that was.
( sorry this is so long, but I wanted to share with ppl who truly get it)
Good w/e chumps! 🩵
Love this! Thanks! I am just a few years older than you, so I totally get it– our age and experience puts us in a different place. There is no new family around the corner, and I am not going back to school in my mid-70s to study for a new career (my original career was fabulous, thanks, and I am glad to be retired now) Yes, I do get it. And yes, I am so much healthier and have more energy now. I do 5Ks and 10Ks and often win in my age bracket (not so many women in that bracket!) Did the Colfax Marathon Relay last month wth 4 much younger teammates. I was so sick for so long. I recall I looked at he scale and saw my weight had dropped into the 80s ( I was an under-eater as a reaction to betrayal; some are over-eaters) and it never dawned on me that there was a problem!! I am short and had alwasy been trim and fit, but yes, it was a problem. My hair fell out, tremors and tics, I was bleeding out of my butt every day, and on and on. Now he is the one with health problems (Foley Catheter–a result of Wandering Dick Syndrome) and I don’t have to take care of them or even think of them. Or him. He is out of my life and I am relieved and happy. Loved your speech. Will copy it. Thanks! If our paths ever cross, we will have to do lunch and swap tales! He had many betrayal objects in DC and Northern, VA, so you never know–they may have shared one or 2 or 10!
Thanks for your comments. Glad you are doing so much better now! Amazing what dumping the source of our stress can do for our health! Stress is absolutely a killer.
Absolutely love your speech. I just copied that snippet of your city dump quote — it’s a keeper. Way to go celebrating and nurturing your amazing family. You are mighty!
COF, thanks so very much for your comments. Really appreciate that!
It felt like a transitional moment honestly. Like I could actual visualize how far we came and how much it took to get there and I did feel mighty and victorious. Wasn’t expecting that.
Not one bit of any of that is made up for the speech. It happened exactly like I wrote it. Wasn’t a book worth picking up, but I was very drawn to take it home.
The universe looks out for us, we just have to be paying attention when it does.
That is so beautiful. What an incredible speech. I’m glad you shared that, it’s absolutely lovely. Also congrats on your son’s wedding!
Thank you so much Katie! Greatly appreciated your comments. The wedding was indeed beautiful and the overall theme was love of family from anyone we spoke to. It really was a charmed weekend. I have great gratitude for how well it went ( when I felt so much anxiety before hand!)
I will add, it wasn’t just magically I felt better after no contact. I had daily chest pain for five years post divorce,detoxing. Then one day, it wasn’t there and has been gone since. ( about 3 years now)
I get comments from ppl that I “don’t act like a 70 year old”.
That’s because I shed 40 years of abuse!
This happens to me all the time,esp at the gym.
It is marvelous! Everyone thinks I am much younger. Yes, yes, yes. No one thinks I am in my mid-70s. It is so good, ladies. Don’t give up. Tuesday will arrive soon!
I have IBS. Before I left my douchebag cheater ex it was raging so bad that I went to a gastro specialist. He tested everything and said my numbers looked really good and it was probably a combination of food that I don’t digest well and stress.
Turned out it was 20% food and 80% stress. As soon as I moved into my new house…..the first house I’d ever owned by myself…..most of my symptoms went away. I still have to mostly avoid certain foods but even those I can eat in small amounts.
Turns out the douchebag was the biggest factor.
In the last year of our marriage when he was cheating (but I hadn’t found out about it yet), I developed an irregular heartbeat. I could feel when it happened, and the episodes would last for up to a minute. They began happening more and more frequently throughout the day so I was referred to a cardiologist who made the comment that I was the youngest patient he had seen all that day (I was in my 40s). During this health scare my husband did not express concern, ask how my doctor visits went– nothing. He did not give a crap at all. After I discovered my husband’s cheating and kicked him out of the house, the heart issue went away just like magic. It’s been years since I have had another heart episode. Obviously deep down my body knew something was going on.
Once I did find out he was cheating I developed a rash on my face and horrible knots in my shoulders. Thankfully those went away with enough time away from him.
I had tachycardia during his cheating (even before I knew) our divorce. I’d never had a heart issue before in my life. I would have instances of a heartbeat so rapid I literally couldn’t feel anything when I tried to take my pulse, and I would get lightheaded and dizzy.
Went away once FW died.
I have pernicious anemia, untreated with symptoms due to misdiagnosis for over 30 years. But it was caused by drinking from a contaminated well as a toddler. I started my miracle recovery in November of 2019, found out my husband was a monster in July 2020 and had the divorce finalized in September of 2020. My recovery is why I started picking up on things (lies) and that made him angry. I still remember saying “Because math. Because math exists.” when he demanded to know why I was questioning his story about work that made no sense. LOL
My disease affected my brain, it affects every system of your body. I was even “colorblind” for years during it due to my optic nerve not getting enough oxygen. But my thinking was impaired enough I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. I look back and realize how much he would screw with my head. Not just him either, other family members too. It makes me sick to think about because I was so confused and trying so hard. I was working full time and doing overtime most weeks in a warehouse. Then being treated like a maid at home.And if I asked for help, they would talk circles around me and confuse, guilt, and manipulate me.
I did get rashes, hives, tons of stomach problems. Those are all caused by my disease but I wonder how much worse my ex made them. I was functioning pretty damn well considering I had a fatal disease that most people don’t survive as long as I did without treatment. I wonder how much better it could have been, or if it would have been diagnosed rather than looking like mental illness because my head was being f*cked with.
Five years later, I’m way happier though. I don’t do stress anymore. What is anybody gonna say to me that’s actually going to hurt me after all that? LOL
My central nervous system was so taxed after seven years of gaslighting that I lost the skills necessary to safely ride my motorcycle. Then it impacted my driving confidence. Then it was a two year breast cancer watch most likely instigated by stress inflammation. Hair loss, insomnia and an as of yet undiagnosed immune system attack that has taken my sense of smell and attacked my hearing.
Healing will take a lot of time and self care. But my journey started with the loss of 140 pounds of Cheaty McLiarface.
Oh yes, my health improved greatly! After I left him, my never-ending BV infection cleared up since I was no longer having (coerced) sex with my cheating husband. Lovely! Cleared up just like that! Also, wow! I’m suddenly now 34+ years younger and I look and feel great!
The most noticeable health effects for me were not with my cheater spouse, although I certainly felt stressed and was hypervigilant around him all the time in the last years of marriage.
It was the minute I started working for an entitled FW (a friend of my husband) in an impossible, pressure-filled role that I couldn’t stop my hands from shaking. They literally shook for the entire 15 months of that job from hell. Every time I saw my boss or even saw a message notification from him my knees knocked with fear.
Unsurprisingly my then-husband didn’t really notice my extreme stress I was experiencing – at least he didn’t care. More money was coming in, that’s all he cared about. His affair was just beginning at the same time so his mind was clearly elsewhere.
I tried to resign less than 1 year in that job but in classic abuser fashion my FW boss manipulated and hoovered me into staying. Then when it was HIS idea and timing, he finally accepted my resignation.
The shaking stopped IMMEDIATELY after resigning for good. Now it was just 1 FW in my life causing me anxiety. 7 months later was D-day #1 and soon cheating husband was out of the picture, too. Good riddance!
Anxiety attacks got worse during separation, but I am doing soooo much better since the divorce – anxiety has abated.
My eye prescription went down and my eyesight improved.
My opthalmologist said stress can make myopia worse.
So I have literal, doctor-affirmed proof that he was stressing me out and making my health worse.
Far more mentally than physically healthy, but that has improved, too.
“You can’t get healthy in the place that made you sick.”
The mood swings stopped after D-Day and more so after she left(more replaced by “dead inside” for a few months, but hey, progress! Death was preferable to that horror.) Insert the standard commentary about “walking on eggshells”, “not being gaslit anymore”, “no more wondering if I was good enough” etc here. Therapy (well, ok, I fired that idiot for telling me it was all in my head-so I got a new one) shifted from “I’m paranoid” to “what I actually want to work on for ME”. Despite work and the rest of my life being challenging…I am far better off than I was prior to D-Day(closing in on 2 years ago).
Therapy time is much more productive when you’re not burning it trying to justify moving mountains for somebody that seems to delight in your misery.
Part of my pick-me dance was trying to lose weight to appeal to her again(I was doing that 180 horse hockey before I even knew what it was.) I guess I don’t reflect on this as much anymore…I was actually on a genuine upswing in terms of pretty much everything health-wise leading up to D-Day. We were getting along better overall(minus the aforementioned gaslighting, lies, etc). My dumb ass thought we were on an upswing-really though she had just checked out.
Once she had left and the fog lifted(and lacking the pre-possessing thought of “this is time=energy I should be spending on her”) those were habits I was able to better engage with following her departure. It became a lot easier. I have lost weight(still not happy with it, but that is a journey.) My diabetes is better managed(less overall stress=more functional blood sugar), no new medical issues, I have better practitioners than the ones she wanted me to go to that actually listen and empathize, and, gasp, give me resources and proper referrals.
(I am happy to report that I finally got an STD test on the physical health front-the only thing she gave me was good, old fashioned, home cooked trauma.)
And honestly? Just not having the “it’s not ______, it’s actually (thing that I don’t like about you but can’t be direct about” has done wonders for my mental, physical, AND spiritual health. Pretty sure I had seasonal allergies and depression DESPITE being fat, thanks.
TLDR? I am living, healing, and being well on my own terms. Not being guilt tripped and manipulated by somebody that racked up a ton of medical bills on treatments that she never followed through with.
Just a happy reminder: your life is YOURS. Don’t let those idiots(or anyone, frankly) hold you back from your goals. You know you better than anybody.
Have a Fuckwit Free Friday!
So good to hear that she didn’t give you an STD.
I developed insomnia immediately following one of the D days and suffered through sleepless nights for well over a decade. Several years after my divorce, on our anniversary, I told myself that I thought I was ready to put to rest some of my anger. And then I slept. My horrific insomnia resolved in that one night. I sleep like a baby now.
I also put to rest a drinking habit. The drinking began as an (unsuccessful) coping mechanism to numb the pain I felt in my marriage. Post divorce, I went to therapy, developed coping mechanisms, and more importantly was out of a marriage filled with lies and cheating. I made the decision to stop drinking so that I could be fully present in my now very amazing life without a FW.
Wonderful! I’m so happy for you. My insomnia got somewhat better after I left FW too, but it has been a lifelong problem to do with an abnormal circadian rhythm, so I’m never going to be a good sleeper.
My mental health improved tremendously. I was a mess before; suicidal, without any hope for the future. I no longer get UTIs, which I had almost constantly because he was banging a filthy skank.
There’s nothing I can do about the damage already caused by the HPV he gave me and I do live with that threat, but I don’t dwell on it.
This is a fascinating topic. I am 6 months out from Dday. Pick me dance started in 2023, but FW’s behavior toward me started getting cold, judgy, and dismissive in 2020. Even though I was oblivious to whatever douchebaggery he was up to behind the scenes, I started having panic attacks and developed a crazy high BP situation in 2021-22.
Eventually I was on 3 BP meds. Every time I took my BP or went to the doctor’s office, it was sky high. Fast forward to now: I am currently averaging about 128/75. This could be because all my meds are working, or because I’m on anti anxiety meds now, but it also could be because I kicked FW out of our house several months ago and I no longer walk on eggshells.
I’ve had a ton of other weird medical things in the past few years. I’m still having them and I assume they won’t go away until the divorce is final and I’m settled into a ‘new normal’. But the blood pressure thing is incredibly reassuring. I am self regulating now. Not having the daily ruminating and dread and anxiety about FW is allowing my body and my mind to calm the f*ck down. I’m hoping to one day phase out some of these medications but that’s not the priority. I’m just enjoying taking care of myself instead of worrying about him.
I look so much better now at 42 than I did fifteen years ago while dealing with multiple abusive assholes.
I recently saw a photo of me in my 20s and couldn’t believe how different I looked – bloated, tired, skin rashes. I couldn’t sleep, my hair was falling out, etc.
Lifelong physical and mental health problems mysteriously vanished once I kicked all the losers to the curb. Now I have the stamina for a regular gym habit and people tell me all the time that I’m glowing.
Wow—so many similarities! Like many, since ditching FW i dropped 24 of the 40 stress pounds I gained after meeting him. My sciatica and other joint problems have healed, and I am hoping my shingles wont return. Funny but true story: a woman I play pickleball with asked me if I’d had “work” done on my face 🙂 two random women complimented me on the street—one on my hair (grey) and the other said “you’re beautiful.” Getting FREE seems to have taken years off my life. Thanks very much to Tracy and this community—you have been my guides!
Got off the antidepressants, I’m able to sleep when I need to without worrying about being woken up by her convoluted drama shit, and those pesky, near constant UTIs went away.
That last year before D day, something hit me to get to a normal BMI. So I was getting healthier just 12 months prior. Tonight I was looking through my medical visits for the last horrible years. My health was in shambles including mental health. So many doctor visits for STIs, therapy, UTIs , Sinus infections over and over. Now I can take the time to care for myself completely. I wrote notes to my doctors about my husband’s depression, losing job after job, rages, mood changes, erratic behavior..as I read all my notes, there he was…impacting my very DNA. Self care now is orderly and the strain of being married to a terribly disordered person who was all over town, is over. It’s been 2 years and my life is under my control. I feel so much better and can breath again!
I don’t know about health, I was in pretty good over all health. But, for the last year of my fake marriage, I was just so tired at night. I would fall in bed. I was working and going to school, still at age 39/40 I should not have been that exhausted. That all went away after the D.
My blood pressure really improved after my FW moved out. I had no idea it was his constantly trying to control me that was the cause and of course D-Day made it worse. My doctor had suggested several times I start on medication which I didn’t want to do.
Once he packed his stuff and left for good my blood pressure has been great – even my doctor commented about the improvement my last visit.
An ulcer. Followed by years of chronic gastritis (irritation of stomach lining) from the daily discord. Divorced and fine now.
While I was with FW, I was diagnosed with a very rare lung infection (essentially tuberculosis, but environmentally-transmitted rather than person-to-person). Ordinarily, this infection only “takes” in the very elderly, AIDS patients, or if you live in a tropical environment (my infectious disease doctor said she only ever had seen it in Cambodia), certainly not in someone like me – an otherwise healthy 34 year old woman who hadn’t traveled.
By the time they diagnosed me (through a series of invasive tests), my lungs looked like Swiss cheese – full of holes, riddled with infection. I couldn’t walk up a flight of stairs without stopping twice to rest and catch my breath. I was on several (extremely strong) antibiotics for almost two years, including an intravenous one for which I had to have a PICC line. (Do I even need to mention that FW did not take one even ONE household chore during this time? Even though I also had a toddler to manage? I was out of work for three months on doctor’s orders “so you don’t die”, and FW made me feel every. single. day. how much he resented the fact that I wasn’t earning any money.) Even after the active infection was gone, my lungs remained full of cavitations. Most of them healed (though it left scarring), but there was one stubborn one that remained.
I dealt with compromised lungs the entirety of FW’s affair and our subsequent (long, drawn out) divorce.
FW died before we even went to trial.
A few months after his death, I had another CT scan. My doctor called me a few days later and said “don’t worry, it’s good news”. She told me that the last hole in my lungs had closed. Over 6 years after my diagnosis. She wanted to call me and tell me right away rather than have me wait a week for the official results.
Aside from that, I am finally able to get a good night’s sleep (FW snored, thrashed, sweated, and got up multiple times a night, and also had sleep apnea he refused to treat and would randomly stop breathing so I never slept deeply because of worry). My PTSD mostly went away after FW died. I was able to stop taking antideppressants. I put back all the weight I’d lost (I was dangerously thin, and under medical care for it). And I no longer have to walk on eggshells.
My most stressful day now is like a “good” day with FW. If there’s a minor crisis (like a clogged toilet, or the cat threw up, or even a burst pipe), I just handle it. No one makes it into a huge deal, with panic, and anger, and I don’t get the blame (whether or not I had anything to do with it). Then I move on with my day. I also no longer have money troubles, so that stress is gone (I can stick to a budget, FW refused to; we were always in the red no matter how much we earned).
My son also no longer suffers from depression and anxiety. He’s a happy, healthy, thriving kid (and almost a teenager!).
I no longer dread each day. I look forward to it.
My personal opinion is that the constant stress of FW’s abuse had weakened my immune system to the point where my body couldn’t clear the infection. I was tested for every comorbility possible, including genetic testing, and they could find no logical reason why I had contracted the disease.
I used to wake up every morning so nauseous I would throw up for hours. If I didn’t have anything in my stomach I would dry heave and cry for hours instead. I wouldn’t lose weight either, just would get sick every morning.
I thought I was extremely sick, turns out it was stress caused by my ex. The day after I left him was the first day in years I woke up feeling fine. Although his cheating made me unable to eat for a month I was no longer so stressed out that I had to call out of work for nausea. I wish I had sued him for emotional distress but now I’m just glad it’s over.