Do I Have to Celebrate Mother’s Day?
Does she have to celebrate Mother’s Day with her kids? After a D-Day and no history of being celebrated, she feels like a day to herself.
***
Dear Chump Lady,
I’m not looking forward to this Mother’s Day.
I know it’s supposed to be a day where kids celebrate their moms, but that hasn’t been my experience. When I was with my former partner — the father of my children — he had a pattern of minimizing any holiday he didn’t personally care about. Unless it was Thanksgiving (his favorite), everything else was labeled “a hassle,” “pointless,” or “unnecessary,” including Christmas, Halloween, birthdays, and especially Mother’s Day.
He never encouraged the kids to do anything for me on Mother’s Day, and I always felt like a jerk if I asked for anything. Last year, he completely forgot. The kids did nothing. He remembered in the afternoon, casually asked what I wanted, and after I told him, he offered to reimburse me. Later, he remarked, “Well, that worked out perfectly.” Maybe for him. For me, it was just another reminder that I was never really seen — only managed, like a problem he could throw money at.
Since D-Day last October, I’ve been handling all the holidays on my own.
I have the kids most of the time, and while I’m holding out a little hope that this year might be different, I’m not expecting much. Their father just told me, “You can have them on Sunday,” since it’s technically his weekend. I guess that’s his idea of making it special?
Here’s the thing — the kids (13 and 15) don’t enjoy meals together. They bicker, pick on each other, and usually end up turning on me. So I’m left trying to plan two separate outings, meals, or gifts — and frankly, I already carry that mental and emotional load every day. I’m tired.
So here’s my question:
Am I the A-hole if I tell him I just want him to take the kids on Mother’s Day, so I can have a quiet day to myself?
It feels selfish, but maybe it’s the only way to make the day feel like anything close to care.
Sincerely,
Mom
***
Dear Mom,
No, you’re not the asshole. You don’t have to celebrate Mother’s Day if you don’t want to. Go ahead and redefine “celebration” as a day without the burden of caregiving. Put your feet up. Sleep in. Do whatever you please. Feel the expanse of the day and enjoy the quiet in your head. I’d take that over brunch any day.
But remember you still deserve to be celebrated.
I don’t know if your desire to be by yourself on Mother’s Day is an honest reflection of your preferences, or cynical resignation. If no one is going to celebrate me, I’d rather be alone. I don’t want to be the pitiable creature asking for a corsage. I’ll just do it myself! Like I do everything!
Maybe it’s a bit of both. It’s possible to want both: 1) An honest-to-God break. And 2) Recognition for a job well done. So, I’m waving my magic Chump Lady wand and granting you a day off. You don’t have to celebrate Mother’s Day!
Now, let’s address that chumpy resignation. That old familiar feeling of folding your needs into tiny origami shapes and stuffing them into the recesses of your soul.
You matter.
When I was with my former partner — the father of my children — he had a pattern of minimizing any holiday he didn’t personally care about. Unless it was Thanksgiving (his favorite), everything else was labeled “a hassle,” “pointless,” or “unnecessary,” including Christmas, Halloween, birthdays, and especially Mother’s Day.
Fuck him very much. At last you are released from his holiday petulance. Don’t confuse his Scrooge act with your self-worth. You aren’t a hassle, pointless, or unnecessary.
He minimized? Go ahead and MAXIMIZE the holidays. Go bananas at Halloween. Dye all your food green on St. Patrick’s Day. He does not get to steal your joy.
You’re only 6 months out from D-Day. I realize joy is in short supply right now. But you won’t always feel your ex’s holiday judgment. He’s the past. You get to set the tone for all your holidays going forward.
It’s okay to ask for things.
He never encouraged the kids to do anything for me on Mother’s Day, and I always felt like a jerk if I asked for anything.
YOU ARE NOT A JERK. You’re allowed to have needs. Healthy relationships are based on reciprocity, not fealty to the whims of narcissistic holiday-hating despots.
Shame on him for setting a bad example of how to treat your mother. But YOU can set that example. I know it’s unjust, one more thing to do, but make demands. Teach people how to treat you.
Another way to react to this situation is to have a conversation with your kids and set the expectations. “Hey, today is Mother’s Day and it’s important. We’re going to take grandma to brunch. And then we’re going to watch my favorite movie.” Or however you would want a loving partner to treat you, or their mother, treat yourself.
SHOW THEM.
As teenagers, they’re not going to intuit it. You have to tell them. Heck, I had to do this with my own son this Mother’s Day.
He’s getting married later this month and we were talking about his schedule. Turns out he was going to spend Mother’s Day weekend at his future in-laws, doing landscaping for them. (Internally, I wanted to blow a gasket.) So, I un-chumped myself and stated my needs.
“Hey, Mother’s Day is a HOLY DAY OF OBLIGATION. I expect to see you this weekend. It doesn’t have to be Sunday, but it’s really important to me to spend some time with you.”
We usually have a standing date to go to a garden show. After some awkwardness, he rearranged his schedule and is spending most of Saturday with me.
I had to tell him, you do NOT blow off your mother on Mother’s Day. He could’ve died on the landscaping hill, and he’s super busy, but I want what I want. I might not get it, but I put it out there instead of taking whatever, and silently resenting.
Be kind to yourself.
Last year, he completely forgot.
Ouch. (((Mom))) Probably deep in his affair. Screw him.
The kids did nothing.
That’s not okay.
He remembered in the afternoon, casually asked what I wanted, and after I told him, he offered to reimburse me.
What do I want? A partner who’s not a total fuckwit. How about you reimburse me for the last 15 years of my life.
Later, he remarked, “Well, that worked out perfectly.” Maybe for him. For me, it was just another reminder that I was never really seen — only managed, like a problem he could throw money at.
Well, now Schmoopie gets all that thoughtfulness. Enjoy the sparkle frosting now, Schmoopie. The turd underneath will soon be revealed.
I have the kids most of the time, and while I’m holding out a little hope that this year might be different, I’m not expecting much.
EXPECT MORE.
You set the tone! Not him! You’re the leader of this family! Not him!
Here’s the thing — the kids (13 and 15) don’t enjoy meals together. They bicker, pick on each other, and usually end up turning on me.
It’s not about their enjoyment. It’s about you. I’ve written here about the Mother’s Days of my youth. It was not fun, but it was instructive. We’d go to church (boring sitting), then to the Village Women’s Club in Detroit with three generations of matriarchs, my great-grandmother, grandmother and mother. All wearing dress-up clothes (uncomfortable). Brunch was stultifying.
Gee, Tracy, way to sell it.
But the message sent was IT’S NOT ABOUT ME. Mother’s Day is a holy day of obligation. There is formality and solemnity because it’s important.
Sports banquets are not comfortable, retirement ceremonies are not comfortable, college graduations are not comfortable. But we sit through them because we are acknowledging the hard work of others. We are celebrating THEM.
So, next year, when you’re feeling more resilient, (you will feel more resilent, I promise), endure a bickering meal. Or a half-cooked pancake after instructing those teens to make you breakfast in bed. Whatever you do — a meal out with other single moms — or a day to yourself, communicate to your kids that you matter. And you deserve to be recognized. They can’t learn it until you learn it.
Big hugs (((Mom))).
I think this Mother’s Day is the perfect time to teach your kids a new way of being in a relationship. Like Tracy did, talk to them about your needs and what their thoughts are. Kids want to make their parents happy, so set them up for the win. If you want mostly time for yourself, you could say “I’d love a handwritten card and breakfast with you and then you can go about the day”
And then gush when they give you what you asked for. Reward the behavior you want and you are teaching them respectful adult communication.
Release that minimizing voice and kick up the joy in life! 💗💗
I love this idea. The kids don’t even have to make breakfast if you lay in croissants or another treat.
It takes time to work these things out after the implosion.
I hated the first Mother’s Day apart. My ex was somewhat of a hands-off father as they got older, and in some ways really didn’t know them. When they became teens, he frequently would rant to me about their faults and failings, as if it was my fault that they were moody at times and trying to figure out who they were. And we had some nasty fights on Mother’s Day about the kids. He sent me flowers which I ditched right away. So I didn’t weather the first one well.
Then the next one was golden. I was in the divorce process. My STBX respected no contact and was silent. The kids and I sat for hours talking about all the crazy things they did growing up. And I was okay.
Every one since has been great. Now that they’re grown, they treat me well. From what I’ve been told so far, this will be a memorable one.
Give it time.
The day is long enough to ask your kids to do something for you, and get alone time. They’ve been following the FW example of taking you for granted. Change that NOW
I hit post too soon. You have been making yourself and y your needs so small and it comes across in your post. You deserve to be the center of attention and respect and care. Your FW trained all of the family to cater to him and I encourage you to change that dynamic with your kids. I lived a very similar dynamic! Now I arrange meal out with other single moms and kids dress up and I tell them behave it’s MOTHER’S DAY.
Mom,
I think that this is about more than just Mother’s Day. It sounds very much like you are the parent that does all of the heavy lifting and is the “sane one” into the bargain. I would suggest that you should feel empowered to say “No” to your FW and to explain (in age appropriate terms) what “taking someone for granted” is all about to your children.
LFTT
I hate mother’s day so I support doing nothing. My son will forget and then when we talk next he’ll realize he forgot and apologize but that doesn’t bother me. He’s a young autistic adult and he’s getting his life together and on his own and adulting and that is huge to me. That doesn’t bother me. He does try, he’s made me gift baskets for my birthday and bought me Christmas gifts. He forgets but he’s doing a lot right now and I’m just proud of his progress. If he ever gets married, I’ll remind him to do things for his wife.
But when I was married, all I ever wanted for mother’s day was to go to breakfast with my family. That’s it. It happened a couple of times but I don’t know why it was such an issue for my ex. We went out to breakfast as a family quite a bit but it always seemed like such an issue for mother’s day. Like he would make me feel guilty for asking. Denny’s was fine, IHOP was fine, I didn’t need anything fancy.
When we divorced I asked him which TVs he was taking. He screamed at me that he was taking the big TV in the living room because it was his father’s day present. That drove home to me how I was always dogshit in the marriage. I don’t think I ever got an actual mother’s day gift. One time we were visiting friends and their daughter brought me a planter with a succulent in it because it was mother’s day. I damn near cried. I still have it sitting on my kitchen counter as I type this.
I used to have my son help make things for my mom and MIL and some aunts. Nobody ever reciprocated anything. My mom and MIL both bitched about the gifts plenty of times. I think of that now and it’s so fucked up. My sister even once posted about her friends being great moms on mother’s day and said nothing about me. I had taken her in at that time when she imploded her life. It hurt. I did a lot for her and took a lot of shit for her growing up. Oh well though. I’m just going to lay low that day, maybe order some pizza and have a couple beers. So I don’t see anything wrong with celebrating it without your kids. Teenagers can be so mean anyways. It’s a rough time, especially when you’re dealing with betrayal and divorce.
I hear you, friend. On my second mother’s day, I ended up with toddler at my parents house with hubby far away. It was the lead-up to my brothers wedding so we were all busy. My mom still expected to be treated like the Queen of Sheba bit no-one – not her, dad, spouse, no-one thought to extend some kindness to me since my son was too young to do so himself and Mothers Day was still quite a novelty to me. Yes, it showed how little any of them valued me.
This Mothers Day, I will be on a plane to see my first MIL for the last time.
I wrote a post a few years back about Mother’s Day and CL’s advice set me free! My kids know I expect a cup of coffee left at my bedside and then they are to disappear and let me be. I buy myself one thing that during the year I don’t give myself permission to buy. This year? Hellllloooo hydrangeas shower curtain for $80 that I’ve been coveting for a year! (Still struggling to press purchase..) My mother was the queen of guilt and MD was spent in servitude and was never enough. My gift to my kids is no guilt. They saw how my mom treated me. Last week my oldest (DD21) wrote me to say that staying at her boyfriend’s house makes her appreciate how caring I am. My youngest (DD18) hates the fact that I seem nonplussed by her illnesses. But she told me recently about a friend of her’s whose mother takes her to the ER for everything. She gave me a big hug and said I get it. What card and flower could compare to THAT? The trick is I need to stay off social media so I don’t compare myself to people who seemingly love their mothers and whose loved ones write sappy testimonials about them.
This is my first MD without my mom. I am struggling with how much I don’t miss her. But obligation and no appreciation wore me out for decades. This is the mother who after DD and I couldn’t visit as much told me—Why should I suffer bc you married that bastard?!!
Hugs to all of CN who didn’t get the mothers, fathers, or spouses they deserved!!!!
Have you both heard of this book? I haven’t read it but it sold very well and I imagine it’s based on the title alone.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I%27m_Glad_My_Mom_Died
I listened to it on audiobook. The author, this poor child actor, was forced into the work by her mother’s crazy ego. The mom enforces a diet that becomes a total eating disorder. There are no boundaries. But it’s told with mordant humor at times. But yes, it’s a real taboo-breaker, to admit that your life is better with your mother dead.
Me too…first Mothers Day without her and I am absolutely Meh about it.
This will be my first mother’s day separated and divorced from my FW. Last year I hadn’t found out about his affair yet. A week later I did. Later in the summer I found out how much time he spent with schmoopie that weekend including on Mother’s Day. I wanted FW to make me coffee so I set everything out. I thought it would be obvious. I hoped he would make me breakfast and stay in with the kids. The morning of he slept in and when he got up he didn’t even see the coffee stuff and whisked us quickly out to a brunch place. Granted, it was my favorite place. However, in the afternoon while I stayed home with my toddler napping he took our son to a baseball game with schmoopie. That evening he and I went to a party for schmoopie leaving for a long trip. He talked to her the whole time while I tried to make conversation with people I didn’t know. I got a headache and left early without him. He stayed out late and flirted with her in front of her partner. When her partner told me later in the summer I was floored. I found out they had gone to a hotel together the friday of that weekend. It was just overwhelming the deception and disrespect. He never admitted any of this to me when I confronted him later asking for all the truth.
I’ve learned through this year to speak up for what I want and not feel like a burden to ask or let the other person guess. And, the way someone responds tells you about who they are. If they push back and make it a problem that’s not a good relationship. It’s hard though when you grow up and are in a long relationship where it’s clear your needs or wants are secondary or not important and saying something causes a fight that feels like it’s not worth it. There were so many things I didn’t speak up about or said to him “this isn’t something worth fighting about” and I would relinquish to what he wanted because I didn’t want the exhausting effort of a fight that I would lose and end up crying.
Your ex FW is a sicko who wasn’t joking about wanting a harem to cater to him and will eventually come to a sticky end. Happy mother’s day to you free of this person devoid of a soul.
Thanks! Sadly there was even more despicable behavior that weekend. He really packed it in.
I am so glad you are out of that relationship. I too remember feeling the “this isn’t worth fighting about” moments. But we ARE worth fighting for.
Low. That is really, really low. Glad you’re out. 🙌🏽
There was a whole lot more that weekend that I discovered later (he didn’t admit to). It was incredibly low. Just utter disrespect. Friday night, after their hotel stay, at a party with me and her partner, he invited schmoopie and one of her girlfriends to go to a botanical garden with our family including my kids that Saturday. It blows my mind that schmoopie could go with us and pose for photos next to him and my kids with me. He even made a joke to our group that someone might think we were a polygamist family (we live in Utah). I joked that no because all the women were wearing tank tops. Later it felt like a sick omen.
(I wanted to propose that all of my posts automatically, without my typing it, open with “Wow, it sounds like your fuckwit is a scumbag!” This just reinforces that desire.)
I hear you on that…it was often easier to just not have the need and not have to go to bed crying with an emotional black eye. Glad those days are over, and I hope you are too.
Stay Mighty!
Emotional black eye is a good analogy.
May I wish you a Happy Mother’s Day from me? You deserve it although it may not feel like it right now. You are in very early days of what will probably be the toughest and crappiest part of your life. Time to start insisting on your worth! And if you don’t know your worth, fake it until you truly feel it. It’s going to take lots of time but this year is a great time to start.
You are definitely entitled to time by yourself on Mother’s Day assuming you are going to treat yourself to something special. If you are just going to wind up alone or in bed being miserable, that isn’t good for anyone.
There is no better time than this Sunday to start teaching your children how you want to be treated! Yes, I did say teach. Clearly you cannot leave this up to your ex. There will be people that say “he’s not your mother so why expect anything from him?”. Others, including you, may feel that was his job as a father. Right or wrong that is irrelevant. Today is all that counts and he clearly sucks as a role model for your kids anyway.
We teach our kids how to use the toilet and drive a car. Why should we expect them to know what we want if we don’t tell them, or better yet, show them. Tracy’s son is an amazing adult and still needed a reminder. My kids adore me (I’m 10+ years out from DDay) and yet I had to remind one that Mother’s Day was this Sunday and he needed to make some plans with me ASAP. 🤣
Who said that a dinner with 2 bickering kids is the only way to spend Mother’s Day? The restaurant industry? Others?
What do you AND the kids like to do? Binge watch anything while eating everyone’s favorite junk food? Going to the movies (sitting between them so they can’t bicker)? Roller coasters? Pedicures? Yes, boys get pedicures too! Anything that brings you and the kids joy and make you smile is what you should do on Mother’s Day!
I believe in new traditions and I started that after DDay. Anything that made us all laugh and brought us even a few moments of peace and normalcy is what we did. Didn’t matter what the holiday was or what we did. It was all about being our new version of family. And even teaching kids, like Tracy did, that mothers are a force not to be ignored!
I will also add that you have ignored a third scenario. Tell your ex that you have plans for the morning and that he should plan on you having the kids back from the afternoon or early evening on. You get the morning off and the kids still learn that Mother’s Day is when they celebrate you. Mother’s Day self-pampering can be a morning in bed, a massage or a good book with coffee. ANYTHING that makes you feel good, even smashing pillows against the wall. And zero details to anyone what your plans are!
I hope this helps a bit. No matter what, please try to reframe Mother’s Day in a way that gets you what YOU want minus help from the fuckwit.
Thank you, there are some really wonderful suggestions!
No, you are not the a-hole for wanting the day to yourself. In fact, when we were growing up, my dad took my brother and I to baseball games on more than one Mother’s Day, specifically so my mom could have time to herself. That was what she wanted for Mother’s Day.
Some fun fw drama for you all: my ex is insisting that we share Mother’s Day this year (we’re both women; I gave birth and did 100% of the caretaking), and because I don’t speak to her anymore, she’s using my child to deliver these messages to me.
I don’t really care how she wants to spend her holidays, the divorce has been final for years and it’s none of my business what she does. She can dedicate Halloween to herself too while she’s at it.
I just need you all to acknowledge how absolutely insane she continues to be. She didn’t even acknowledge me on Mother’s Day when we were married. I ate my Mother’s Day lunch standing up in the kitchen while she relaxed in front of the TV. Wild.
Wow, I am so sorry. That is truly insane. It sounds like she still thinks she is in charge!
Just act like you never got the message and plan the day without her. Your FW can go scratch.
Yes, she is indeed nuts. You are right to be no contact with her.
Meant to add: I really appreciate your suggestion that I should get to celebrate Mother’s Day how I please, as well. I hadn’t considered that. I thought Mother’s Day was supposed to be something that the other adults in your life planned for you, but I don’t have to accept that.
Sounds to me like you should insist that she go back in time and act like the mother she wants to celebrate being.
She’s trying to hoover and get back into your life. I feel bad for your kid that they’re the intermediary on your ex’s selfish horse hockey. Damn shame you’re busy that day otherwise!
Stay Mighty!
Yeah, who knows what goes on in the brains of these people? I just smile and nod.
No, it’s not selfish. They’re his kids, too. It’s your day! Have a spa day. Take yourself to brunch. Hell, do you still have your fuckwit’s credit card? It’s all on him!
I find celebration and restoration of same to be integral to Chump in Recovery Health Experience. You’re 6 months out-I’m about 21 months out from my D-Day. Our leader is right-you are still very raw(it took me about 3 months to come out of initial brain fog of it all.) No miracles are going to happen when you are now. Giving (well, asserting/taking) power back to the things that I used to find to be holy like that has done wonders for my path to being Mighty. Part of it? It’s declaring “my life is normal and actually good without that idiot!”
There seems to be something actually holy to the Fuckwit Culture of not celebrating anything other than themselves or what is convenient/beneficial for them. Even though we are implored not to do things if they feel good out of spite…I personally take some satisfaction out of that…providing for myself what was never given because it, like me, apparently was too inconvenient.
I also agree with our leader on this point-like most of us, you have been transmuted into a people-pleaser as a function of being a Chump. So I need you to understand (as one myself even before the nightmare started)-it is completely ok to want things for yourself for no better reason than to want them. You are worth it and you are allowed. I find more and more as I start to lose sight of the shore on being actively abused that anybody that calls you selfish for wanting something you’re allowed to want might be part of the problem.
And it is just as ok to assert your desires. There is nothing mean, wrong, or selfish about directly communicating what you want. Nothing compels people to reciprocate just as nothing truly compels you to do so. Personally I find it cathartic after having to keep all of that bottled in and tamped down for so long in favor of that idiot and hoping she wouldn’t leave and stopped cheating if I suppressed all of my needs and wants and ultimately all the things that made me human.
Anymore, I find that I need to be pretty direct about what I want. “On my birthday I want to do _______.” For the most part that has taken the form of “this is what I will be doing. You are welcome to join me. But this is what I will be doing.” I don’t know about the rest of you-getting abused under my own roof has stripped away most of my tolerance for dropping hints and hoping people will reciprocate my baseline generally high level of consideration and thoughtfulness. I spent 13 years waiting for somebody to deliver on love-bombed promises. I am doing my best not to die tired.
Happy Tuesday to Those That Celebrate!
“This is what I will be doing. You are welcome to join me.” What a simle way to put it. I love this.
It’s been one of my guiding philosophies for the last 21 months. Glad you like it 😉
Like I said I spent 13 years waiting around to do certain things-I have a whole Google Doc full of things we were supposed to do or finish together.
If there was one fortunate thing about the 9-month Pick-Me Dance I did for that moron it was getting very comfortable doing things like going to dinner, movies, etc. by myself. After the initial bit of ennui of waiting in line or saying “table for 1” the hard part is over and I have the best time I could have. Better doing that than not going, ne?
So I make plans for my own celebrations. Other people are welcome to join; I am greatly reducing the times where I suspend the things that I reasonably want because somebody else doesn’t like it(and usually because it isn’t secretly about them.) No friend? I bring a book.
I have personally gotten tired of waiting on people. I need to be my own priority after all.
“the sparkle frosting” “the turd underneath will soon be revealed”…that is fantastic! lol. Made me laugh so hard. Thank you for that, Tracy!
My life has been hell the last 4 years (with the exception of some good times with my kids) so I also just want a quiet day to take a nap and do whatever I want, but most importantly, not caretake. In passing the other day, though, I said while I was in the kitchen putting some silverware in the drawer while my oldest son was standing nearby, “my goal in life is to one day have a full, matching set of silverware and enough for when we have a special occasion. I’m 57 and never had a matching set. ” And he went out the next day and got me some! He just gave it to me today, since he knew I wanted a quite day to myself. THAT is how it is done! He said he put it in his notes the minute I said it and made sure to go out and find some right away, the next day actually. I will always cherish them because not only did he choose them, but it was his thoughtfulness and the gesture that means so much. He’s a good (30 year old) kid!
If only FW’s could do this. Why do they suck at giving gifts so much?
In the later years of my “mirage”, I didn’t mind that my then-husband traveled – a lot. I never missed him and in fact felt so much relief and freedom when he was gone. One year shortly before we became empty nesters, he and our teenage son (who, sadly, has too many behaviors and attitudes like his dad and is probably solely responsible for several years shaved off of my life because of how difficult he was to raise) took off on a very early morning flight on Mother’s Day. I didn’t get up to see them off. Their absence was SUCH a gift to me!
Better yet, here’s something where my son often gives me HOPE because he outshines his dad in kind gestures and empathy. My son left me a sweet handwritten note and my favorite chocolate treat before they took off. My then-husband got me nothing, like usual.
So I got a lovely day without the most difficult people in my life around me, AND a thoughtful little gift from my kid. One of the most memorable Mother’s Days by far. 🙂
Dear Mom, please take care of yourself this Mother’s Day, however you prefer to have that look like. And as Tracy and others have encouraged, do teach your kids about showing respect and care for others, especially their overworked mom. Speak up for what you need. This is your time!
While fw and I were married he’d say, I don’t have to get you anything because you’re not my Mother. He’d say the same thing every year. I ddn’t realize at the time that it was one of many ways he was teaching our son disrespect for his Mother. I remember on one of my birthdays gong to the bakery and ordering my cake. The lady behind the counter asked me what name I wanted on the cake. when I answered her she paused for a moment then said, isn’t that your name? At the time I had so little self respect I didn’t understand why she said that..,it didn’t occur to me that people don’t normally buy their own birthday cake.
This is long, but it’s kind of a “from there to here” story–with what I consider a happy ending.
Over the course of our marriage Mother’s Day went from ok to very bad. When my son was little, his father (my now-ex) actually did make an effort, and they’d bring up a tray with oj, coffee, eggs, and some bakery treat. My now-ex would ask me what i wanted, and for years I asked for a lilac bush to plant in the back yard. He and my son would bring the bush in its container upstairs to the bedroom while I was eating–but that was the extent of my ex’s effort. I had to carry it downstairs and dig the hole and plant it. I should have made it clear the first time they needed to help, but I didn’t. It was already clear that he thought he’d done enough.
When my son got older, he would make me breakfast by himself, but when he was a teen, he wouldn’t get up until very late, and I would have already eaten one breakfast, because I couldn’t wait until 11 am to eat. The teen years were full of a lot of conflict between my son and me; I think he had a hard time separating from his mother, and I had a hard time letting him grow up.
One year near the end of our marriage, when my ex was “experimenting” with his gender with an ex-student (but I didn’t yet know about this), my ex flat-out told me, “I’m not doing anything for Mother’s Day. You’re not my mother.” That I was the mother of his child, that I’d wanted to have a child with him, that I wanted to build a family with him, that I was willing to put my health at risk to gestate and birth a child–apparently didn’t count.
As he got older my son took his cue from his father, and there were years I wouldn’t hear from him at all on Mother’s Day. My response was to spackle and make myself smaller. I figured that my son was the one who made me a mother, so as he was born in May around the date of Mother’s Day, his birthday could serve as my own private Mother’s Day.
My son was in his late-20s when I divorced his father, and after the divorce money was tighter, so my son and I agreed we would have a joint celebration and go out to a good restaurant. (My son is a foodie who works in the restaurant business) We did that for a few years, although for the last couple of years we’ve cooked together at my place.
About four years ago, my ex re-partnered, and he has apparently had little time for our son. (Although I am no contact with my ex, my son will occasionally refer to his father.) When my son does holidays with my ex, dinners are always at the new partner’s house (they’re not married).
My son was just at my place for dinner last night for our joint celebration, and he told me his father has just sold the “marital home” to move in with his new partner (I had sold my ex my half for a unreasonably reasonable amount, just to get free of him). He also said he had gone out to dinner with his father on his (my son’s) birthday, and that was the first time he’d seen his father’s since his father’s birthday in January. (In contrast, my son and I get together and cook every couple of weeks, and we also text each other about interesting stuff that comes up.) At the end of the night, he surprised me by saying he wanted to get together again on Mother’s Day.
You all know the way betrayal trauma robs you of so much, and one thing I worried about was what would happen to my relationship to my son. I don’t know if next year we’ll go back to our joint celebrations, but for this year that feels like a real gift.
I hate Mothers Day for a number of reasons including: my mom died almost on Mothers Day last year (and she was rather dreadful anyhow), my sons generally do nothing for me on Mothers Day even though I acknowledged all their special days for years, and I did pediatric end of life care for years where Mothers Day was a cauldron of pain for everyone in my care, and the one person who was a true mother to me is dying now. I will get flowers from my daughter and step daughter which is nice.
Back in the day when I was still married to Cheater and I had 3 kids to care for (and hide my pain from), I used to dream of being in a house alone where there was no one to blame me for everything.
I hope that this writer will direct her XH to keep the kids per the schedule with as little explanation as humanly possible.
I hope she then spends the day in total, quiet self indulgence where she relishes the lack of crankymen’s words and reflects on the fact that she matters.
Do whatever you want. Mother’s Day, IMO, is a silly Hallmark holiday where you get a card which says the equivalent of; “Thanks for sacrificing everything and being my slave, Mom.” The cards are never about what a unique and amazing person you are, only about your sacrifices and slavish devotion. I never cared much about Mother’s Day. I chose to be a mother so thanking me for raising my children to the best of my ability amounts to bitch cookies IMO. I’m supposed to do it, so I don’t need to be thanked. I told my kids I don’t need any thanks, but they always wanted to celebrate it anyway, so I did it for their sake. If you don’t like the standard ritual of Mother’s Day, you don’t have to do it. I rarely disagree with CL, but IMO you should not ever have to endure your bickering kids on what’s supposed to be your day. If you want a day of rest and relaxation, that’s what you should get and FW can keep the kids. One day a year to completely relax is certainly not a lot to ask.
To all you fellow mothers out there-
This is YOUR day – you can do whatever you like to mark and commemorate- or not.
This is the one day you are not obliged to go along, not rock the boat, and please the loudest whiner.
Plan something for you – even if it’s something small like your favourite treat or chocolate for breakfast to kick off the day.
Don’t look at those stupidly unrealistic tv ads and advertisements- you’ve earned this day to do whatever it is you want- glossy posters of plastic happy families be damned.
I started the gift crackdown several years ago, pronouncing to the kids that I wasn’t raising assholes and the time had come when they were expected to make an enthusiastic effort to get thoughtful gifts for the important people in their lives on the appropriate occasions… or else I was canceling Christmas and birthdays. I said they could choose to get nothing for anyone else but would have to accept getting nothing themselves.
That’s all it took for feet to finally stop dragging and the kids took on the project with a kind of academic gravity, considering everyone’s tastes and lifestyle, etc. It was still on me to squire them through miles of craft and book stalls while they ruminated over just the right gift for everyone but I was impressed with the first Christmas haul.
The receivers were clearly touched over how personalized everything was yet not so expensive as to be embarrassing. I remember their t’ai chi teacher and family friend who grew in the country balancing the hand-hewn, bone handled cowboy knife he was given on one finger and explaining that a good knife like this will balance perfectly at the hilt. The single mother who cleans the apartment building and always goes out of her way to bring deliveries to our door danced around when she received two elegant embroidered cloche hats in her favorite colors, a hand-painted wooden fan from Spain in a leather sheath (“for when the AC breaks down” on her long commute) and some tiny, beautifully articulated and painted wooden robots for her children (chosen because my kids thought they would have “gone nuts” for them at the same ages). The kids are very appeased that their art teacher still continues to fill up and refill the paper in the handmade leather and brass pocket sketchbook they gave him.
And, voila, that’s what brought the point home that it’s better to give than receive and now the kids are hooked. I will always treasure what I got on the first “reciprocation” Christmas: the handmade rainbow ring and orange composite flower earrings and the antique coin choker– all stainless for my nickel allergy and purchased stealthily while my back was turned. I still get hand-painted cards on Mother’s day on request because I love the progression and continuity over the years.
This is great! “I don’t wanna be responsible for raising an asshole, so step up your game.” Simple, to the point. I love it!
While Mothers Day is still something both sons ignore, I did float the reality that on my birthday, I expect a caramel apple. Middle child lives far away dutifully finds a company to send me one. Oldest is very cash strapped in his apprenticeship is done I will set some reasonable expectation
I hope one day you shall receive a solid gold candy apple pendant on a chain. 😉
As an adult, I was always kind of meh about my own birthday and this attitude later extended to Mother’s day. I think I was echoing my parents’ “Oh don’t worry about us” generation (they wouldn’t even tell me when they were sick or needed surgery– had to pry it out of them). But then I realized my attitude wasn’t helping teach the kids about reciprocity in general nor helping them understand that motherhood is grossly undervalued (not to mention uncompensated) in general in the world. So for the sake of my kids’ future success as friends, spouses and parents who place proper value on their own or another’s parenting sacrifices, I shifted gears to “some fuss required, dudes.”
I have always loathed the over-commercialized aspect of Mothers’ Day or any of the other holidays. However, an acknowledgement of the day, such as a hug and a ‘Happy Mothers’ Day’ would have been appreciated.
Not once did FW make any effort to help the kids choose something – thank heaven for elementary school teachers and art projects. Those are still some of my most precious things.
One Mothers’ Day we were invited to dinner at a friend’s house and as we were driving over FW says ‘It’s Mothers’ Day, we should have bought L. some flowers.’ I turned to him and asked him why he wouldn’t buy flowers for me but thought he should for L. He told me I could pretend they were for me too but L. got to keep them at the end of the evening. I don’t recall my exact words but whatever I said couldn’t begin to convey the depth of my hurt.
This was before I knew he couldn’t keep his pants on when away at work. As I learn more and more about narcissists it all fits into place. Image management was so important to him and these people thought he walked on water. I, on the other hand, knew he had feet of clay and a heart of stone. They’re all in my rear-view mirror now.
So Mom, the OP, please take good care of yourself. Do what you wish on Mothers’ Day and tell your boys why you want/need the time to yourself. It sounds like they are hurting too but maybe you will help them see that they need to reach out and show you some reciprocity. We often hope that our children will learn implicitly from the example we set but sometimes we have to spell it out in big bold letters. Good luck and enjoy your day.
So many great ideas in the comments! I agree, it’s definitely time to chart a new course. Seeing that so many of you have had similar experiences, maes my heart break for all of us. I’m going to look at this now as a way to teach a new generation of kids how to treat everyone, not just their moms 🙂
Good old CL the voice of reason. I was going to suggest also bugger em, lie in bed all day covered in chocolate wrappers with knots in your hair and unwashed teeth in protest against all the FWs of the world, but yeah, CL is right, dont let these FWs take everything away that you might have had if it were not for their presence in your life. Pretend they didn’t exist with their theatrics and clowncarts suddenly making out they are so concerned that the kids see you on mothers day when they could not give a rats for the entirety of the marriage (mine once left a cake tin and Adriano Zumbo cake mix on the counter, I think that was for a birthday but you get the point – and now moves heaven and earth to MakE SuRe MY SoN sees ME for MOTHErs DaY – eff off ya flamin idiot). Anyway I take my kids out for brunch every year, and they all carry on like crazy people, but this year my eldest, who was a few years back a gaslit incel “tryna play gamz” against his dad (I was not) has offered to pay for us. So I think just keep chipping away, and don’t let dysfunctional people be in charge of your family ever again.
P.s. added bonus, once things become more functional with the kids, your FW will start getting pissed off about that, and try to sabotage mother’s day again, but won’t be able to as YOU ARE DIVORCED
Dear Mom, once you see the prison doors of abuse have sprung open and you taste freedom YOU DONT HAVE TO.DO ANYTHING unless your lawyer say you do. PERIOD
Gee whiz, I feel like an anomaly… My FW went all out on special occasions. Even after he dumped me for his Married Howorker, he continued to send me very gushy handwritten greeting cards during the 3 years we were separated, not just for Mother’s Day, but also for all the other “happy” holidays, including New Years, Birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas, and my favorites… Happy Valentine’s Day (seriously?) and Happy Wedding Anniversary (fuck you, FW). It creeped me out and of course, all those cards ended up in the circular file. I never understood why he kept it up since he no longer had anything to gain by doing so; I was strict No Contact by then so he knew he wasn’t getting any kibbles from me. I guess it somehow made him feel better; while he was having carnal knowledge with Married Howorker, he never forgot to acknowledge me as his trusty and reliable Wife Appliance (until I wasn’t).