How Do I Get Over Feeling Bitter?
She’s separated from her cheater and wants to get over feeling bitter. He isn’t one bit sorry. Is the independence worth it or will she always feel angry?
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Hi Chump Lady,
I am 18 months post kicking FW out.
Years of cheating and kidding myself came to an end. He left me and the kids (18 and 23) in a bad financial situation. It now feels bittersweet. I work long hours but we have our freedom.
I am bitter.
30 years with this man. All my memories tainted. His behaviour post-separation and the effect on us can only be described as appalling. Without a shred of remorse or concern for us.
I am starting to feel sweetness of my independence, resilience and self sufficiency. But I hate the bitter feeling. The unfairness, the humiliation, the effect on my children, the gossip. How do I get over that?
Bitter
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Dear Bitter,
You’re not going to get over it while you’re still in the divorce shitstorm. Sorry. This is the sucky part. You’re still legally and emotionally entangled with him, so it’s impossible to achieve meh.
Instead congratulate yourself on how well you’ve navigated this cluster.
- Threw him out? Check.
- Sweet feelings of independence? Check.
- Crushing it at work with those long hours, providing for your family? Check.
Stop calling yourself “bitter.”
Start saying “badass” instead. Bitter is a pejorative term. It’s what people call victims when they want to negate an oppressed person’s righteous anger.
Victims? Oppressed? Tracy, did you sprinkle socialism over your cornflakes this morning?
Yes. Stop thinking of this as some personal flaw of yours — “I react to abuse with bitterness” — and start seeing the situation in terms of power dynamics. You overthrew a tyrant. You fomented revolution. No more chump status. That’s MIGHTY.
Of course you’re angry about what you went through! And are still going through. When we celebrate the Fourth of July, are we still “bitter” about King George? No. That sounds ridiculous. You can hold competing thoughts — I’m happy about freedom. Shame about the Revolutionary War and years of colonialism.
You’re still in the war. Hot dogs and fireworks are in the future.
How to get over feeling bitter:
- Reframe it as righteous anger.
- Know that the intensity of your emotions will fade.
- Accept that it will always feel unjust.
We covered point #1. You’re entitled to your anger. This man cheated on you for years and is making divorcing him very difficult. That would make ANYONE enraged. Your feelings are entirely rational given the circumstances.
We discuss anger here a lot. Particularly as women, we’re shamed for anger. I’d much rather you be angry than depressed (anger turned inward). Anger means you’re not paralyzed, stuck in limbo. Stop thinking in terms of bitterness and see it as grit — the resoluteness you need to get through combat.
Intense feelings fade.
Just like no one can live with the hypervigilance of marriage policing, you can’t live in red hot rage of injustice forever either. Anger can be necessary fuel to get you to safety, but you won’t always need it. The pain is finite. But the grief doesn’t begin to fade until you can go no contact with him. That’s impossible now.
Sure, you can (and should) block communication, but as long as he’s legally enmeshed, you’re going to experience waves of fury. Essentially, you’re trying to claw your way out of bear trap.
It will never not be unjust.
His behaviour post-separation and the effect on us can only be described as appalling. Without a shred of remorse or concern for us.
You’ll never understand his behavior because you’re not a FW. You can spend a lot of time trying to figure out why he’s a terrible person (we call that untangling the skein) or you can simply conclude he’s a terrible person. Such monsters exist. We overcome.
That probably sounds flippant. But I’m telling you this as a fellow chump. You can build a new, much better life without him AND it never excuses what he did. It will never not be unjust. Your new life will eventually eclipse your old life, and this trauma will just be a scar you wear.
Thirty years is a big scar, but for three decades you were still you. This is still YOUR story. He was never the main character, despite his disgusting entitlement. Focusing on the injustice just keeps him on the page.
Infidelity does not define you.
But I hate the bitter feeling.
It’s finite.
The unfairness
It’s unfair, I’m sorry.
The humiliation,
You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. He’s the person who should live in disgrace, not you. Refuse to take that on. Reject people who think you’re to blame for his wandering dick.
the effect on my children
You’re still their mother and a complete, intact family without your ex. They will be proud of your mightiness.
the gossip.
We don’t control what other people say or think. See “don’t wear the shame” above. It’s hard not to internalize the constant messages that we’re to blame for being cheated on. But it’s also a good litmus test for who belongs in your life and who’s a waste of space. Anyone who doesn’t have the moral clarity to see that double lives are WRONG doesn’t deserve to be in your life.
Bitter, you’re not bitter. You’re just divorcing a cheater. It sucks, but it won’t suck forever. Big (((hugs))).
I’ve said it here before. BITTER stands for Being In Totally Truthful Emotional Reality.
Bitter? Yes, I am. That’s Ms Bitter to you, thank you very much.
My new read is an excellent book on grief by Megan Devine, It’s OK That You’re Not OK. I have it on audiobook. I think it’s a better format for taking it in.
The grief that comes with infidelity is extremely complicated and challenging and requires major assistance from the right people and resources. Like any grief experience, it feels like shit. The daily practice is to respond by loving and caring for myself and those around me as best I can. That includes accepting how I feel and allowing it to pass through me rather than trying to avoid it or deny it, which never works and causes even more problems.
❤️
As defined, “bitter” means “expressive of severe grief or regret”.
I am in Year 8 of infidelity recovery and feel much better. But in all honestly, spells of anger come to visit. The frequency and intensity and duration is much less. It’s been my experience that the only way out is THROUGH….to practice acknowledging how I feel and learning to respond to it and process it in a way that does not harm me or others.
Not to harm myself or others..yes VH, I have used the legal term to recuse myself…I often have to not speak to, not engage, go no contact for awhile or forever with certain people because of the anger I express, that few people except the abused and betrayed would ever understand . If these outsiders to my pain cannot or will not understand my grief, heartbreak and anger, why expose myself to them and to their ignorance? So I step away from blinding ignorance, recuse myself ..save myself from them… educate only those who are willing to understand with compassion and never waste myself on cheater apologists. Never waste my experience of pain and anger on those who cannot care. No pearls to swine…and then, ongoing and forever compassionate care for myself. However long it takes.I am 1.5 years post Divorce. 2.5 from D day.. More healing is on the way.
Yes- we have to feel the pain rather than squashing it down.
Loving ourselves through this is the best thing we can do.
Whatever that looks like to you.
I’m getting that book!!! Thank you!!
That’s on my summer read list too.
It was so freeing to me when I finally got that I could truly yell and cry all I wanted over my situation. Both my coach (a good one) and my attorney got on my case about that. I was just so stuffed and frozen. I did NOT know how to express strong emotions until my late 50’s, but my divorce gave me that gift.
I am finally crying like before 2 cheaters!!! I’m a beautiful sensitivity woman .finally I can feel. My X waa so disordered that if I showed feelings he would collapse…now I am free
I have it in print and also audiobook….I prefer the audiobook. For a long time I could not read….common side effect of grief…and sometimes I still have trouble reading. The audiobook version is easier to absorb and makes a great healing meditation.
OMG, me too. It terrified me. I have a degree in English and have taught technical writing at the college level, and I could not read for almost 3 years. I thought I had been permanently brain damaged. Had to start relearning to read with “beach books” those trite, simple, forumulaic paperbacks you read at the beach because you don’t care if they get trashed. It has only been since my husband left in July that I have been able to return to my love of books and literature, and read anything subtle, witty, complex, nuanced. I am welcoming this back into my life like a friend returned from a war: somewhat altered, still beautiful and loved.
Me too…wow…I could look at beautiful pictures in magazine like Victoria or home and garden…but could not read…I had no idea
I couldn’t read, either. It was a crazy feeling not to be able to read.
The quickest way through anger and “bitterness” (a perfectly reasonable reaction to injustice and wasted years) is to FEEL IT. Be angry. Rant (to a therapist or a long-suffering friend). I found it very therapeutic to put on some angry music in the car and scream along (“Burn” by Papa Roach was a favorite). Journaling is good too, especially if you still have to deal with FW. Write out every angry feeling and thought, no holds barred (voice to text is great for this, actually). I found that if I did that, I could feel much more calm when FW and I had to interact (we had a young child and shared custody, so unfortunately that was often).
I was afraid I’d be angry forever, but I’m not angry any more. At least not daily (I’ll have occasional moments when I feel it, but it in no way is a big part of my life anymore). 18 months is still pretty fresh. It took a couple of years for me, and I was only married for 10 years. (Caveat – My FW died a few years ago, and it sure helps that I literally do not ever have to see or hear from him again. It might have taken me a lot longer if I still had to interact. However, your kids are grown, so you can cut off all contact once the divorce is finished.)
As far as gossip – fuck ’em. I cut a LOT of people out of my life. If they could know me for a decade and still think badly of me, they were never friends. Unless it’s negatively affecting you professionally, just ignore. I found a new circle of friends and am much happier.
Yes me too- I decided early on if that’s how they felt they could all fuck off.
People to me are now either 💯 % in or they can fuck 💯 % off.
I agree with your comment on gossip. Anyone who thinks so little of you that they’ll gossip about you doesn’t deserve to be in your inner circle. I ditched a whole group of people because of that and even recently, got vocal with several of them as to why I went my own way. Not that people like that learn, but I felt good about it.
They don’t learn anything but I have said how I felt. They cant say I ghosted them, they know why. I did this at Christmas to a former friend of 30 years..she and her husband are ” counseling my X”. In other words, giving him plenty of centrality. I told her I could not be a friend anymore until I was stronger and felt better, that I could not trust her with my story anymore. Then I blocked her…so she and her husband know how I feel.
You’re not alone, I endure the added trauma of a frenemy who began to act selfish then switched sides post divorce and tried to mine more gossip from the situation! It was an epic mindfu**k but as Tracy said the ultimate litmus test.
What is UP with that? Has Tracy done a post about friends who take the cheaters’ side? Not Switzerland friends, straight-up taking their side?
I let loose rhetorically some weeks back on one of these at church. I didn’t raise my voice, but basically I outlined what a friend is and how she is not. She’s trying to make it better, but I think we basically are on different planets at this point.
My oldest overheard the conversation and said that I was too kind (LOL).
❤️ AMEN! ❤️
Nailed it here. Not bitter, but a badass. After over 3 decades of lies and betrayal, sure I was mad and had missed a lot of good deacdes as he purchased prostitutes and went on long road trips with countless sluts he picked up along the way. Plenty mad. It took my friends to start telling me I was a badass. It took a PhD historian doing my family geneaolgy to tell me that, hey…your dad (deceased) was a badass, and looks like you are, too. It took me a bit of time to realize how smart, strong, beautiful and amazing I was, and absolutely still am right now. You, too. You are not a loser. He is. He lost a treasure and his family for some blow jobs or whatever…Every single difficult day when you pull yourself out of bed to do what sane adults do, remind yourslef. I’m a badass. Even yesterday morning, as I was running, in the oldest bracket–age 70+ in a marathon on the longest street in America, supportive texts from friends all over the world filling up my phone, I told myself…How incredible is this?! I am an unbelieveable badass! You got this. Not bitter. A badass.
Why is it always 30 years that they decide to leave a marriage. I, little by little, figured things out…ex took the 29 year old to San Fran. When he took me, he mysteriously knew where the Kate Spade store was. I’m guessing he bought the young-un a Kate Spade bag and then relived it by taking me there. He also took me to a sushi restaurant in Sausalito. When we got there, the sushi chef seemed confused that I was with my husband. I guess he expected the 29 year old. My ex drank himself to oblivion on sake at that restaurant and I had to direct him back to our hotel. There are so many “tells” these losers make. I disliked San Fran completely. He loved it. I guess he had way too much fun there with the 29 year old. I’m sure my ex spent hundreds on the girl – that I should have been reimbursed – but I was so fed up with him at that point I just wanted away from his loser a$$.
Duped for years, me too..30 years..It’s a cause for added anger because I was lied too so often and so much and for so long. Like cutting an onion, a big white onion, I keep remembering with a JOLT and tears of compassion for me and yes rationale anger,each lie as it is unearthed.. .he shaved his body when I hated it…now I know. That awful cologne that I told him made me sneeze and he kept wearing it? When he said he was tired of being a Priest but did not explain…so many many times i got hints but could not and did not see the truth of those lies. 30 years of lies will take time to process…but we will and then the gratitude will be able to flow. Free at any age is still Free!
Oh, yes, I remember the body shaving incidents my ex engaged in. He never cared how hairy he was with me…but new girl comes along and he has manicured every hair on his body. Then it was the new underwear…he needed all new underwear all of the sudden. I even helped him shop for them! (Dope slap across my forehead!) With me, he’d pick is toenails and leave them on the end table for me to discard. Or he’d leave butt crack smudges on the toilet seat. He’d sit on the couch scratching his private area in full view of me. And then wondered, with all of that, why I was not blindly ready to hop in the sack with him. I’m sure he improved all those indiscretions with the much younger child bride. I’m hoping that eventually the child bride will bore of his stories and past history. I just don’t get it…why would some young woman want to marry my nerdy, homely husband?!?!
Why? She probably thought he had $$$. Or the thrill of taking him away from you. Yuck.
Dupedforyears, okay you made me laugh so hard at your Xs crazy description. I still don’t have any idea why the shaving, I mean smooth chest and around unmentionables..why and for what? I got such a rash just laying there and I begged him to stop. I waa truly naive because my X did have strange quirks and was 100 % always grabbing me,always, even as I washed the dishes or brushed my teeth. I was just like a pet dog 🐶..but an unfortunate dog for sure. I want to know what was in that creepy basement so I can tie events with behavior, but then I don’t really want to know. My torture body is now at peace….thank you Lord!
I cannot answer for your story…my ex FW actually never was in the marriage. We got together in the mid-1980s, lived together and then had a first kid (in the 80s) and got married. He was cheating with countless women all over North America all the way through–(was acting like a single fellow before, during and after the marriage)– until I finally caught him in the wrong place in the wrong time (for him) in Dec 2022. It was never just 1 person for him. It was whoever was easily available at any moment. He had multiple betrayal objects/often prostitutes in locations he traveled to often, so he would never have to go without. So, not sure about 30 year mark. I discovered at about 35 years. Thankfully, I didn’t catch an STD/STI from him. The main takeaway–it is never too late to have a good life–even after 70. There are places to go and people to see, and good times to be had, at any age. We can be a badass at any age. It really is way better than bitterness, which is giving the FW way too much energy. You are worth it. The FW, not at all.
Amen!!! I am now 72. 18 months out and I have never ever felt more free and at peace afte 32 year with one cheater and 14 with the first. I love love love being single.
Yes to all of us mighty silver chumps!! We should have our own get-together! I also love being the captain of my own ship and not having any crew. I attended my 50th college graduation reunion back East and had the most amazing good time. The final chapter can be the best. There is absolutely loads of hope for all of you out there. No need to stay stuck and down.
Thank you because being a gSilver Chump us amazing..and that name, it is beautiful. We also have an advantage at this age of not needing to find another and we are complete. However a good movie with great acting and finding true love at the very end is called Daisies in December. ..watch just for fun.. Jean Simmons and Josh Ackland give a touching performance of love at any age. True ❤️
You go! So many chumps were way too good for the FW from the get go. They married up then threw it all away.
So very true. He married way, way up. Over the years, I have learned that many FWs are like him…they reach down to the bottom of the barrel for losers to cheat with. He was always fond of alcoholics, those with criminal histories, sexually transmitted infections, and those who were much taller, heavier, and larger than me. He also had a thing for bi-sexuals. Go figure. The people in my life now are so much smarter, classier and all-around better folks, that the only bitterness I ever feel–and not often–is that I didn’t dump him sooner. I’d also remind the original poster that karma has a way of coming arund when you least expect it. For the FW, it is his lovely Foley catheter. He has to have his bag drained and catheter checked by an aide. No idea how often, as he is not part of my life. But just knowing about it is enjoyable to me. All the best to you.
Amen. May his Foley catheter become infected with painful regularity.
Mine was also a marriage of several decades. We had two kids in college, and I had largely been a SAHM. We split after he retired, so my prospects weren’t exactly hopeful. Looking back, the two key decisions were my attorney, who became like a big brother to me, and joining a twelve-step group. My ex had been a pill addict, so I worked through over a decade of enabling there in addition to the rest. The divorce and closeout were a mess and dragged on and on, but from what little I know, he finally dropped it because he got into a longer-term relationship. As we say in the south (sarcasm here), “Bless her heart.”
For me, the bitterness faded when I could clearly draw a line between what he had chosen and what I had chosen. He had chosen to take off to the beach, reinventing himself without wife and adult children. He had chosen to paint me as an incapable, insane woman whom he had to flee. However, I chose NOT to go on in life with him and to invent my next chapters WITHOUT him. Yes, he pushed hard for reconciliation despite all the mess, but I refused. I was over it. Figuring all that out took years, but that’s where I am now.
There will be a flash of something related to him every once in a while because my decades with him remain part of me. And that’s fine, but I move on.
Mine pushed hard for reconciliation too and I lived that nightmare of marriage policing and daily gaslighting. I thank God I finally found Tracy’s book and got the clarity that FW was going to continue to cheat just take it further underground. Reconciliation sure looked like the easier path, no divorce stigma, kids with intact family, FW high income supporting our retirement dreams. An enticing siren song he wanted me to listen to he can continue CAKE.
Kudos to you for rejecting the siren song of false reconciliation!
Thank you. I KNOW that if I had reconciled, even worse days were ahead. The marriage had to end, period. My ex is a deeply damaged, dangerous individual and gave me nothing during the divorce and closeout to believe otherwise. We had to weigh a protective order at one point, but ended up just pushing harder to get the divorce done, hoping that the legal break would help him let go.
Well, kinda. It took a while, but he ran out of issues and got occupied. I’m actually thankful that he paired up again. At long last, the focus moved away from me.
Bitter – As CL indicated, anger is an appropriate and necessary response to fuel your current situation. But it comes with a price which can impact your overall wellbeing.
Check out YouTube Tara Brach who combines western and eastern philosophy and explains under anger is fear and under fear is love (loss/grief). It’s as close as I’ve been able to find to address the loss of a 30 year marriage.
I wish there were informed therapists available, but I couldn’t afford the necessary number of sessions anyway.
Little or no contact is the best remedy.
Tracy’s advice and the collective wisdom of CN is better than 90% of therapists out there.
100% this has been my experience and what I have concluded as well. Choosing the Chump Nation approach was my lucky break in the whole thing. And it’s FREE! Except for the book of course but that’s pennies compared to therapists. I consider myself lucky to have following the advice I found here and in the book.
You nailed it, Archer. So true.
For those of you who like to try to understand the Bible, I find Rebecca Davis’ teachings on the word “bitterness” to be super helpful. The author of the Untwisting Scriptures series, she also has blog posts and videos on the subject. The word “bitter” and its uses in Scripture are *not* what many have come to believe.
It’s so validating for victims to know the biblical usage in context, the grammar, etc. instead of being bashed over the head with Scripture which was being twisted in the case of bitterness.
I really appreciate this recommendation. My aunt sent me a mindfuck letter out of the blue last year after going no contact with my FOO after having a DDay about the lengths they were still supporting FW years and endangering my safety. My Aunt thought sharing the story of Tamar/ King David/ Absolom was appropriate (it was not for many reasons). I was called bitter half a dozen times, and she really pushed for the greater good.
I was reading a different book called How to Become a Really Good Pain in the Ass by Christopher DiCarlo. I used her letter as part of an argument exercise. Wow, her criteria for evidence were lacking in just about every way other than consistency. All laws of thought were violated, and Logical Fallacies were everywhere. Tracy’s advice revolved around critical thinking wrapped in genuine care and snark.
I shared the letter with Tracy and initially took it at face value, even purchasing a book by Pamela Cooper-White called The Cry of Tamar: Violence Against Women and the Church’s Response. However, I haven’t been able to bring myself to read it. I want to send my aunt that book with the quote from Giselle Pelicot that shame must change sides and a copy of her letter in case she forgot what she wrote.
Yes, the corporate aspect is so very important to the interpretation of those verses. My preacher ex got on my case over-and-over for refusing to forgive-and-forget and harboring bitterness. Not what it says, dude…
What is wrong with bitterness? The cup of coffee i am having right now is bitter and i like it. No cream, no sugar or honey.
Yet another fact that Google’s AI gets completely wrong is that traditional Finnish coffee is even blacker and stronger than Turkish. According to my Finnish great-grands, the spoon should stand up on its own– not that I’d ever use a spoon to stir sugar into it. They use to call American coffee “tiskivesi”– dishwater lol.
Thanks so much for this brilliant post, Tracy. I love reframing bitterness as badassery. I’m in the same boat. 5 months out from Dday. Separated from my husband of 30 years (we met in college and were together since the age of 19). Both of our adult children are estranged from FW now. The grief gobsmacked me for several months. Megan Devine’s book is excellent and a real help for processing what is happening to the mind and body during deep grief.
One of my core struggles during this nightmare has been recognizing that I AM in deep grief and realizing that the world doesn’t see my situation that way. I have even had well meaning people listen and witness what I’m going through and say: “It seems like grief. It’s so similar to grief.” Hello people, this IS grief. But the person we’re grieving is still walking the Earth, infuriatingly happy with his/her choice to blow up a family.
Knowing that even empathetic, compassionate people don’t understand this, it’s so important to be protective of your story. Feeling ashamed/blamed for the end of a marriage, feeling the schadenfreude of neighborhood gossips, feeling the pity — it’s excruciating. But we are not to blame. We didn’t cause these sh*tshows. We are mighty. We can walk through the world knowing all of this and still flinch when we see those tea-spilling acquaintances in the grocery aisle (I love the chapter in Megan Devine’s book where she validates the need to grocery-shop miles out of your way to avoid these painful moments).
We are mighty but we are still vulnerable, and Tracy is so right when she advises caution about who we let into our inner circles now. Those who unconditionally support us and lift us up are the only people who deserve our confidence and our time.
In my case I hold my head high. If some neighbor asks why FW isn’t around anymore I will give a truthful concise answer about his h*’&ker habit marital asset theft and long con. None of which is my fault. People tend to take your lead subconsciously. If you act ashamed or secretive they will think that too.
Such a great insight about people taking your lead subconsciously. Yes!
To the OP: This isn’t the first time I have commented that I myself could have written a post nearly word for word. Yours is so similar to mine. Reading cl showed me NPD sociopath FW ex is actually very cookie cutter in his monstrosity. Keep your head high and keep reading CL. Anger, bitterness, pain are all human emotions and don’t buy into the toxic positivity bulls$&_ from anyone not even a therapist. You’re entitled to your own emotions. If someone calls me bitter I’ll have a pretty snarky comeback for them!
Oh, the bitterness accusations. It was about July 27, 2020 when my whole life exploded. The divorce was final September 11, 2020. My birthday was September 30. By my birthday I was getting eye rolls and hearing that I should be over this by now. A 20 year marriage. And to be clear, I didn’t tell anyone until it was final. So it wasn’t that they were burnt out from months of hearing about it.
I wasn’t allowed to be angry a bit. I’d get angry about other people lying to me and I’d get “They aren’t married to you, they owe you NOTHING!” Really? People I hosted multiple times including for Christmas with my family don’t even owe me common decency? Really? I’m not allowed to be angry about people I thought were friends lying to me and lying for him? Really? It was insane. Any feeling I had was wrong and evil. Then I would get, “you know, you can talk to me” No, I f***ing can’t! You made that very clear!
I just avoid people like that now. They have zero loyalty to anyone and they don’t care about other humans. People who can’t even understand a person being upset about the destruction of their family are people who are not capable of love. They don’t love their families, they don’t love their children, they can’t even understand the concept of love. When people let me know that’s what they are, I do everything in my power to avoid them.
I distanced a very good friend of mine for saying “You need to get over it” when I still couldn’t control the tears. For me it was a long marriage; the discard was layered over lots of other trauma that I just powered through and what Jackass did just brought it all up at once. I’m almost 12 years out now and she and I are back in contact but it will never be what it was. I don’t share my important feelings with her.
I have this weird theory that when we get thumped and face up to it, walk through the fire of the destruction FWs cause, we “level up.” We notice how often people dismiss our feelings or disrespect us or just fail in what my therapist calls “normal, decent treatment.” You leveled up and you can see the shallowness of the people you thought were friends.
Your divorce took less than two months? My God, woman, you are a force of nature!
Thank you! The laws in Nevada helped immensely with that but I also tried to fully take advantage of him just wanting out of the marriage to go live his exciting new life. My lawyer helped me with what to say to get a fast, uncontested divorce, and it worked. He was probably hiding assets but I’m still glad I just got out as fast as possible.
It’s kind of like the Burned haystack method of dating a fast and furious burn through of the chaff. Except in our cases it involves the friends and neighbors and extended family. A cleansing fire which reveals true friends.
It really does.
Yes, you are bitter and angry, why its no wonder the salt of the earth poor guy cheated. //s
I have to be up front here and say that I am still pretty bitter. I gave this FW POS 30 years, the best years on my life, almost died having his three children and put up with A LOT of crap from him, only to be betrayed? I am still angry, still bitter, still suffering from PTSD, still have grief…
But having said all that, I do think it is LESS than it used to be, so time definitely helps and I am hopeful one of these days I will still get to complete MEH.
I look at bitter as deragotroy but the holding of truth and being free from lies is this strong anger and nothing “derogatory”. Here is the truth that is hard- he never loved me, he is rich I am not, he still has some people believing his nonsense- but I am free. It took me VERY long to get here. It takes the time it takes. It’s not a race. Be nice to yourself and allow your feelings and people who truly love you- many comments about all this, but just adding to it- are so golden, and it’s so great to get rid of the ones who don’t. I never thought there would be enough time for me to heal. I’m 10 years out and it’s gotten better only in the last 3. But I’m ok with that. That was the time it took. Finding this place has been a godsend. Keep reading, keep being nice to yourself.
Come sit right next to me on the Bitter & angry bench! Helluva better than the surrounding choices of Desperately marriage policing bench, or the Gaslighted into false reconciliation bench! Those are the other choices that plenty of chumps are sitting on (ones who haven’t found CN). Right now I use my anger to power actions in real life like career, friendships, kids and other goals.
What a vile word– “bitter.”
My feminist parents never used the term to describe anything other than the quality of chocolate which gives me the impression that using the term to describe attitudes and emotions related to abuse is nothing more than a political psychobabble tool of “dah patriarchy.” Frankly that’s the only way I’ve ever heard it used in an emotional context.
I can’t imagine my dad ever casting women’s anger in a general negative light since– from having been dumped in an orphanage as an infant, growing up in gangland NY and then from his combat experience– he believed some of the greatest scourges of humanity such as war, generational violence and poverty, etc., could be vastly improved if women ever got angry enough to take equal power in the world.
Apparently this theory occurred to him at age 18 when he saw the corpse of an enemy soldier even younger than himself “blooming” out of the hatch of a fire-bombed tank. The body was charred everywhere but the face which was, according to my dad, angelic and healthy in a way that would only be possible if some woman had nurtured this boy since birth.
Not having been nurtured himself, my dad was very attuned to signs of that kind of devoted rearing in others and decided that, if this boy’s mother had had equal power in the world, she would have fought against him being turned into cannon fodder just like his single teen mother wouldn’t have been forced to give him up at birth to conceal her “sin.”
I don’t know if my dad’s hypothesis was influenced by the original meaning of Mother’s Day as an anti-war protest in the 1870 proclamation by Julia Ward Howe:
Arise, then, women of this day! Arise all women who have hearts, whether your baptism be that of water or tears!
Say firmly: “We will not have great questions decided by irrelevant agencies. Our husbands shall not come to us, reeking with carnage, for caresses and applause. Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn all that we have taught them of charity, mercy and patience. We women of one country will be too tender of those of another to allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs…”
Since I doubt the nuns in Catholic school were teaching Howe’s proclamation, it’s more likely my dad just came to the conclusion on his own and did it decades before evolutionary scientist and Jane Goodall successor Richard Wrangham concluded the same thing in his seminal study of apes and human violence– that, if women had equal power, there would be less war and less social violence. Apparently this is what people see who really look at the issue up close, the idea that women should take power and, since this is never granted without a fight, ergo women could stand to be a lot angrier than they are in a righteous sense.
Anyway, my point is that the term “bitter” should be condemned for what it is– a weapon of coercive control intended to trivialize forms of repression used to disempower women both interpersonally and politically and to nip any potential rebellion in the bud. No one would weaponize it who recognized the dire stakes involved or who was on the right side of those stakes.
It’s similar to how people who fight back against internal repression or foreign hegemony are called “freedom fighters” in the case the perpetrators are enemies but are branded “terrorists/insurgents” in case the culprits are allies or our own government.
HOAC, I highly recommend
The Gate to Women’s Country, a novel by Sheri S. Tepper, which explores some of these very themes.
Thanks so much for the recommendation. I’ll also give a copy to my daughter for sure. Sounds like the Barbie movie stole a bit from it.
I recommend Wrangham’s book too. He makes the point that no true matriarchy has ever existed so there’s no ideal egalitarian past model to return to as some believe. Though more bleak than the usual Utopian dreams, I think it’s simply realistic to understand that real gender equality is unprecedented and would have to be striven for and rigorously maintained by every generation since human nature doesn’t change and there would always be a push to go back to same-old, same-old monkey dynamics.
Aren’t the Mosuo of Tibet a true matriarchy?
The Mosuo aren’t any more matriarchal in the pure sense than my Finnish ancestors were for enacting primogeniture regardless of the gender of the first born child.
My family’s Finnish name is matrilineal and actually comes from my great-grandmother rather than my great-grandfather because she (as the first born as opposed to my great-grandfather who was a seventh son) held more land when they married. But Finnish society was and still is still pretty far from genuinely matriarchal even if women traditionally had a bit more equality in inheritance, family decision making and a few more rights than in most western societies at the time.
It’s kind of fun that my great-grandmother was 4’11” and my great-grandfather was 6’4″ but she still had a lot of say in deciding family plans. But this wasn’t supported politically by wider society in Finland (just as Mosuo’s increased gender parity isn’t backed up by China)– just a quirk in their marriage, personalities and the traditional rural culture they lived in.
I am two years and change out from throwing my husband out of our house after discovering a double life. In the matter of 48 hours, everything changed and 17 years were reframed. There was no pick me dance because he didn’t even try (not that I WOULD have danced). He just…walked away from me and two children. No attempt at explaining himself to the kids, no facing them or me. He left all vestiges of his previous life, like his box of Christmas ornaments, his favorite recliner chair, gifts given to him over the years by me and the kids, etc….and took up with the AP wholeheartedly LIKE WE HAD NEVER HAPPENED. Turns out their affair had been going on for YEARS, and his cheating and prowling had gone on our whole marriage. At three weeks post D-Day I went no contact. Righteous anger was my fuel and helped me in the early stages. Sometimes it flares up, when I’m reminded with the reality of his existence for reasons outside my control (he lives in the same town still and is a fireman, along with his police officer AP, they both get regular positive PR in the community, all shiny and sparkly on the outside, but I know the truth about their ugly insides). But honestly, BLOCKING him from my life on every level was the move I’m the most proud of. HIGHLY RECOMMEND. Have followed Chump Lady advice in blogs and book like it was my Divorce Bible. I now know looking back how much worse the process could have been for myself if I had disregarded that advice. I didn’t want to believe or do half the things written because I couldn’t believe those things were true…in the beginning of my process…but they all turned out to be true…and the blueprint I followed from Chump Nation, not having full belief yet, brought me to safety. I figured all those that came before me where on the other side and knew my best pathway to get there. Now I believe. The negative emotions (anger, bitterness) were important data points and valid and I treated them as such and didn’t shoe them away but rode them out the door and during survival as long as I needed them. I am also VERY proud of avoiding the harmful clutches of the RIC! Sometimes I wallow or cry or am angry and I don’t fight it, but most days I’m Mighty.
I applaud you for not shying away from owning the “negative” ones! My FW also left so much behind including his own childhood photos and academic records never asked for any of his crap or a single photo of our kids. Various therapists, pastors and useless bystanders seem to think that chumps should just forgive immediately and be singing kumbaya after their lives were destroyed??? which is IMHO ridiculous and abusive.
Prissy, sacrosanct, “forgiving” kumbaya basically makes shitty comedy and I like to laugh so no thank you. 😉
All I can tell you is it gets better. You’re in the thick of it now, but down the road when the hardest part is done with you will probably feel a new sense of peace and contentment. You won’t have to deal with FW’s antics if you don’t speak to him anymore, or at the very least, if he is going to be seeing the kids, you can grey rock his bullshit and you won’t have to deal with him very often. What you need to do is adjust your expectations. You now know FW cares nothing for his family. If you stop expecting him to, the fact that he doesn’t won’t outrage you like this. When you fully accept that this is who he is and it’s not going to change, you’ll eventually just be dismissive of him. He’s pretty much a worthless person. That’s the reality.
I had to adjust to the new reality after more than 30 years with my FW, so I know how hard it is. It was brutal for the first few years. I was a wreck, but I got through it and I’m glad he’s gone. Concentrate on self care and recovery and much as you possibly can.
This. You can’t change or control their behavior, only your own. It takes time to see that this is what they always were, especially with decades of haze over your eyes. That extra helping of over-the-top bitter feeling will dissipate once you stop expecting any sort of decency from him. Then you can settle at standard issue outrage. 😉 I don’t think I would call my remaining feelings after 8 years out “bitter” but rather righteous anger over what he did, as Tracy said above. I don’t think that will ever be gone and I don’t care how people perceive it. At the same time, as time passes it becomes less and less about him and these feelings might not be so intense nor will they be plastered as much on your outsides as it feels right now. “Hot dogs and fireworks are in [your] future”! Honestly, it sounds like you are already on the right track and I think you can thank your anger/”bitterness” for fueling that.
When people tell women not to be bitter, they’re telling us to overlook our abuse — and to pretend it was a bug and not a feature of our society.
Your bitterness isn’t a tantrum, and it’s not just about your divorce. It is an appropriate reaction to the end of the world that you thought you lived in. Your belief system has been completely dismantled.
You are now a person who cannot un-see the gender-based violence that pervades everything everywhere. Welcome!
For people who aren’t yet willing to see all that, your bitterness is a huge bummer. It implicates them. You’re going to need new friends, but take courage; there are a lot of us.
THIS
I feel for you. Apart from the wreckage this idiot left, he also left kids that you are still responsible for that you need to be able to be there for.
That said, you really need to take care of yourself. Get therapy if you haven’t already to process the grief and loss and other ginormous emotions. You are getting divorced-you need all of the support that you can get. If your therapist isn’t working out-get a new one. I am saying this as somebody that provides and consumes therapy-not everybody is going to be a match. That is completely OK. It is going to get worse before it gets better.
One big takeaway if you don’t read any further-you need to give yourself space and permission to heal from what happened. We can all give you the guidelines(see below) on healing-but this very important moving forward. You lived for an idiot-you loved an idiot. Now give all of that back to YOU. You’re worth it!
I deal the best with my bitterness when I am taking better care of myself, personally. That can be hard-I have people dependent on me, starting to date again has been its own special hell, and work continues to be an endless nightmare enema. You have to make time for yourself. It really does make a difference. And be aware of your internal states-weeks of overwork have taken my mind into some dark places. Do not believe anything you think about yourself after 9pm.
What happened is not your fault. The worst thing you did was love somebody with you whole heart. It is not your fault that they turned out to be a scumbag. If your unconditional love didn’t burn the evil out of the idiot that says a lot about him and nothing about you. I am telling you what you already know by way of a reminder in this fashion.
This person hurt you as badly as you can hurt. And guess what? You survived! He had the chance to destroy you but you’re too damned tough for that. You weathered a mountain of his bullshit before you ever kicked him out. I know this because…you kicked him out! You did better than I did, that’s for damned sure. You are now putting a mountain of defense between you and him so he can’t do it again. He will get his, rest assured. Cheating is not a one time moral impairment. It does not occur in a vacuum.
People are going to gossip-that’s fine. Those people also lost their vote with you on what matters. Next in line. They will sing a different tune when it happens to them. If you elect to show them the grace that they denied you is up to you.
In stepwork, the first step is admitting that there is a problem and that you are to some degree powerless before it.
The hard part is already over.
I repeat: You need to accept fully that this was not your fault or because of something wrong that you did. You, like the rest of us, got played by an exceptional trickster.
Have a Mighty Monday! We are here for you!
Do not believe anything you think about yourself after 9pm.
LOVE THIS
I love Jeff’s quote also, and had just copied that quote to do exactly as you did. Great minds, new here old chump. 🙂
Bitter, I am bitter also. Yesterday I went to court, where my STBX cut my still beating heart from my chest and held it aloft, crowing in triumph, in that Aztec sacrifice/family court kind of way.
I am rooting for the both of us, bitter. There is a better day coming for us both and already a life free of the everyday horror of getting into bed with a person with a dead soul and a malevolent heart. Every day your kids see that when someone treats you bad, you get them out of your life and go on, and that is not easy, but it is worth it. Our kids learn so much from us when we we are sad and go on. These aren’t the Disney experiences that we plan for our children, but they are life lessons for our kids to draw on when they are adults and face hard times.
Yes. When I was desperate and in false reconciliation I was not able to be a good parent because I was so wrecked daily by the abuse. Kids are ever observant and eventually they preferred me angry and bitter enough to get rid of FW. Friends pointed out what sort of bad example I’d set for my daughter if I stayed, but I couldn’t listen for a while. Now that they will always remember I stood up for myself. They’re also learning discernment in so many ways like seeing through FW FIL fakeness and FW lies when they are with him.
sharing the facts isn’t bitterness.
that’s what i tell myself. people are weird when they accuse you of being hung up on what is happening right in front of you–ongoing financial abuse + controlling behaviour + manipulation of the kids, etc. etc.
each year my X cannot follow the contract and i have to contact my lawyer. this year, he’s withholding monies from a stock option payout, and informed me he couldn’t possibly help our son with graduate school fees because he’s “struggling financially”. my X made $650,000 last year and travelled internationally at least 4 times in 12 months.
these are all facts.
it’s good to have a couple friends, but you don’t need more than than 2-4. I mean, you just don’t. real friends listen.
Were we married to the same person?
Its the f@@@@ing over the kids that gets me. Abandoning them financially, emotionally, physically. And dont think adult kids are ok with it all. FW will circle back around to them if they are of use. And yell parental alienation if the kids dont want a relationship. Pathetic.
Of use, in a FW old age usually means they need a caregiver, money, place to live or all the above. They want to reap the rewards of adult children’s help when they have done nearly zero of the work of raising the kids. I’d warn my kids to keep a distance and do the absolute minimum or nothing.
Wow! The timing of this article couldn’t be better. Just found out yet another women Narcula hit on and that he turned off the propane delivery to my home that I moved into after he lied in court and got ‘full custody’ of the mcmansion I helped, literally, build when he sold it. He did it in December of 2024! They are just snakes in the grass waiting to punch whenever they can. Enough hurt and degrading and lying is never enough for cheaters trying to make sure that we can’t come back after them. Just when you think you’re getting past it, you find out yet another piece of crap they did. I’m bitter and so triggered right now. My scar is 35 years long and growing everyday.
It’s alright to feel what you feel. Not a week passes without me finding out some lie, new or old, my FW is spinning. and we are already divorced! I vent to the therapist, make a note of it in a log, and Grey rock the pathological liar.
Thirty years for me, also. Husband first took everything I loved (house, friends, new house, garden, job, etc. etc.) away so he could run away with a 29 year old “girl”. Thirty years of memories and pictures down the drain. I had to rid myself of them just to manage being mighty. I hate that 29 year old girl. Why could she not find her own husband? The things I’d say and do if I saw her in person…I would not hold back. But, with all the time that has passed, I realize that I’m the lucky one. I lost a turd. I have my own home and dog and new garden and new friends and new job. I realized I never really wanted to marry him to begin with. I am fortunate to be able to start my life fresh and never think of that geeky nerd that prides himself on making speeches at conferences. I have to think he must be a narcissist of some king to love being on stage so often. After studying engineering (like me), he’s just a salesman now the loves the stage. I pity him. He has no idea who he is. He bounced from me to young girl and now dresses like she tells him to. Pathetic. He would crumble if he had to start anew alone.
You are so free from him! I”m delighted for you! It took me a very long time, my story is similar to yours, but I should be thankful to the woman who he is with! Someone further up said in the South they say, “bless her heart.”
I’m more than a decade out from the actual splitting up & divorce,after a 25 year marriage. And I’ve done a bunch of talk therapy over that time to help recalibrate all my settings. I did find that painful memories of people who used to be friends were troublesome, and I did EMDR therapy to deal with that and of course some other stuff. For me, it’s like magic–poof! –and the bad thoughts are gone. So that’s a concrete recommendation. Good luck, you’re going to be fine–better than fine–you’re going to be awesome.
I keep thinking I should stop reading these posts. I’m 4 full years from FW running away on a drug bender with a boyfriend I didn’t know about. I’m 3 years out from the divorce and 2 years out from the great escape to another calmer city. Yet, the advice on this website is the best “life” advice I’ve ever come across. To the point and always on point. Thanks for the constant pick-me-ups!
I like reading here still. Much of the advice is applicable to other areas of life too and I hang out to also pay it forward in a tiny way by sharing my story. In real life I know at least one woman, a stranger who is friends with an acquaintance who knew the outline of my horror show, ended asking for the info DV resources I shared.
I am 10 years divorced, but only 3 and 1/2 being finally sane (re-abused myself with gross men for a long time after the end of my abusive marriage) found this place almost a year ago and its the best thing in the world. Love it here.
Bitter is simply anger turned inward. Let’s get it out with power and action. Write down all the mighty things you have done to win your freedom. All the legals, all the children hugs and explaining…all the gifts you gave your family for the years you spent with cheater trying to decifer his moods and abuse into normal and now you know all the lies. After 32 years with cheater#2 I have had to do EMDR to get out of my brain all the blame and put in new thoughts like I was lied to but NOW I KNOW, Now I can make smart choices now that I know the truth. Soon all the mighty will replace the bitter because you are one tough lady!! Time time time, a good therapist, dump the ” friends that have no compassion or brains to figure out how harsh this has been and just keep going. I’m 2.5 years since cheater #2 D day and 1.5 since divorce. Many “FRiends “:and some family gone…I am doing better but will be righteously angry for a longer time as I remember..but Tuesday is coming!
My pet theory is some of the male friends or rather husbands of friends are cheaters themselves and scurry away lest they be discovered themselves. At our age (50+ at least if marriage was 30+ years) I am astounded at the women (probably some men too
Archer,one of my girlfriends is married to a known cheater of his #1 wife. He is now 81 and no longer can roam. I don’t know if he cheated on my friend but for their 20 plus years married, I can tell you he continued the pick me tunes for her to dance to as he had lady friends ALL over. He also still did the sad sausage routine about this wife , my friend to me!!!..so I know his tactics remained active… One day, after eating lunch with them both…this “reformed cheater, now broken and needy at 80, blurted out…but if you,chump, left your cheater…My wife could now leave me when I need her!!! Haaa. Shoe on the other foot right? This scares them,to be alone and needy now…too bad this lesson wasn’t years ago as he cheated on wife #1!!
ROFLMAO is your friend’s hubby my ex FIL (a FW himself)? Your friend is OF USE and I’m willing to bet he’s cheated on her in the past whether she knows it or not.
What is ROF..??.. sorry, i hate to miss your gems Archer…Yes if he was not physically cheating he was definitely running the sound for the pick me -dance,as she KNEW all the woman he was: friends with: He told her they were life long friends etc etc..second marriage for both so of course….. heres my steaming plate of horse manure, eat it and you can keep the prize that is me. When I told this guy( who did save my life by giving me survalence info on my husband’s OW life as my cheater friend was a double agent but i KNEW it) I told him that my husband was demanding sex anytime without my consent( plus my Xs hydraulics did not work so it was agony)He and his wife looked at each other and told me— THAT IS WHAT WOMAN WERE SUPPOSED TO DO, give up their bodies on demand to keep.their guys from wondering!! Both of them at the same time!!!!!! Sait it was..a sacred duty. I asked them about consent even, but their take was the vending machine…… but a WILLING vending machine. I had to stop talking.
ROF= rolling on floor. Narcissists love human vending machines and spouse appliances it’s all to SERVE them and their selfish desires. Pretty chilling, that couple’s response. Be aware they’d likely go Switzerland or worse
I meant to post, the middle aged women so dependent on the husbands, stay at home moms for years, ignorant of where the accounts are held and no idea how to do anything technology related, some hanging on to toxic marriages… It dawned on me what a terrifying reminder of their precarious position in upper middle class life *i* must be, a middle aged single mom. My mere existence is probably really uncomfortable to those who choose to be flying monkeys or Switzerland friends. I’m fortunate that is a minority of people I know.
Archer, yes indeed!! Double agents absolutely 💯 cannot be trusted. He also has some dementia at 81 so not to trust at all. I am very very careful as my X was talking to this man the whole Divorce process. So I knew he would spill to both of us!! Yep!!!
Bitter?
Hahaha!!
This person I’ve known since the age of 19 through to 52 turned into someone I never would’ve thought possible after he was busted after ghosting me for 7 months as I worked overseas and I decided I was done with his fuckery.
He refused all communication from my lawyers for two years then turned up on final judgement day and thoughts he’d be all set to adjourn proceedings.
He asked the police to put a domestic violence order on me because he claimed he and his whoremat were scared.
He abandoned our elderly family cats to die and neglected the younger one.
My dog mysteriously died and the other dog is …. Somewhere.
For a grand finale he burned our house down 8 days into the new year.
All has truly gone now- either burned thrown away or stolen by his family and friends. I can never go home.
Bitter?
My entire life as I know it is gone.
Court is finally over after 2 years and I have been paid out.
He was never real. I was never loved. It was all a lie.
It’s time to make many new choices while coping with massive trauma.
Bitter?
I won but the price was astronomical.
OMG I’m so sorry for the losses you endured
Thank you Archer- I appreciate that x
My life was a lie to. I send you all the compassion but I am glad you are free. Buy yourself a piece of cake often- I do almost every day. Or whatever equivalent you could think of- you deserve it.
Thank you New Here Old Chump for your compassion.
I’m definitely giving myself all the love now x
If a hurricane blew threw your house and sent muddy water oozing into your clothes and furniture, destroying everything…if a tornado blows your pets away, your car, and your family, would you tell that crying and angry person to get over it? Stop crying and let’s not be bitter…. and why are you angry at your former world being completely annihilated? Appropriate grief appropriate ,anger,,rationale anger and ongoing grief.. Anger is a rationale response to trauma and abuse….RATIONALE and anyone who tells you ,you cannot and should not be angry needs to completely exit my life along with all the cheaters. Tracy’s podcasr with Sarah and the guest speaking about righteous and rationale anger said it all. Thank you Tracy! I wonder how your move is going??
Once the divorce is over, one thing that really helps getting managing the big, painful emotions is to live as much as possible in the present. The more time chumps spend thinking about the past (even the lost good days) and what FW did, the longer the pain lasts. I went to yoga almost every day and my favorite teacher always told us “the present moment is the only moment.”
In the middle of divorce or standing in the debris of being discarded, the present moment sucks as much as the past. But the present is our online way to build a better future, so most of that time and mental energy needs to go into the gaining a life portion of leaving a cheater.