I’m Mad at Myself for Not Leaving Yet
She’s not over her husband’s affair with the church youth director, and mad at herself for not leaving yet. She’s left her faith community over it, but she can’t seem to leave him.
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Dear Chump Lady,
I’m two years out from the discovery of my husband’s affair. I am getting closer to being free of this nightmare, but I am having trouble letting go of the sliver of hope I still have.
I am traumatized and embarrassed to admit my textbook reactions to everything since D-day. And I am furious at myself for not being able to let go and for not being able to get out.
How do I let go?
How do I move on, stop ruminating thoughts, stop wanting justice — how do I get my life back?
My husband (59), a music director at a Methodist church was having an affair with the youth director at the church (my church of 20+ years). She is 17 years younger, married and has 3 young children.
I am angry. Staff at the church helped hide it and the work environment at the church does not foster a professional atmosphere one should be able expect from a church. So I have lost my church and most of my family of 20+ years. My husband says that is my choice and maybe it is.
I also discovered my husband has been badmouthing me.
Tearing me down to his sister, his work colleague, and my youngest stepdaughter. We have a 12 year old son that we adopted and FW also spews to anyone who will listen that he never wanted him and I forced the adoption on him. My sweet, innocent son has also lost his church and his family.
There are more painful discoveries and ridiculousness to my story as you can imagine. I am emailing you to also let you know I believe in what you have to say and I am grateful for the resources you provide for chumps like me.
Searching to Heal
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Dear Searching to Heal,
If you left a church, you can leave a FW.
That took guts to walk away from 20 years of people you thought were family. Maybe it didn’t feel courageous, maybe it felt like you had no other choice. But trust me, I read my mail. Plenty of people stay in similar situations and eat the shit sandwich of fake forgiveness and performative Christianity. They stay in the FW Thunderdome as some sort of test of wills. You walked away from that and took your son. Well done you.
Now do him.
There’s no possible way you can feel safe in this marriage.
You’re dealing with two kinds of abuse — infidelity and spiritual abuse. I’m more qualified to talk about the former, but there are plenty of places to find support with J*sus cheaters. (Google won’t let me say this anymore!) Divorce Minister, Gretchen Baskerville of Life Saving Divorce, Tia Levings, the Roys Report.
Read over there and you’ll see what you’ve experienced isn’t unique. Church circles the wagons, make you (the victim) the wrongdoer, divorce the sin, and slathers coerced “forgiveness” on everything.
My husband (59), a music director at a Methodist church was having an affair with the youth director at the church
If I were you, I’d start by lawyering up and reporting this as a workplace affair. The Methodist Church has bishops, conferences, and higher ups. Workplace affairs make workplaces potential lawsuits. You have some leverage here and I’d take to a lawyer about how to use it. Gosh, I’d really hate to have to depose his workplace. Or we could move those settlement talks along….
Stop clinging to hope you can save your marriage.
I am getting closer to being free of this nightmare, but I am having trouble letting go of the sliver of hope I still have.
What hope? Based on what? From what you wrote he shows zero contrition, doesn’t care that you gave up your church community, while he continues to work with his affair partner? And he badmouths you and your son?
Do you believe he’s someone worth having or is something else holding you back? If it’s financial, attack that problem. (Again, begin with a lawyer. You need to know ALL your options. Don’t guess.) Is it spiritual? Have you been mindf*cked to think divorce is a sin and this is all your fault somehow?
Or are you sick with hopium that a man who shows callous disregard for you will somehow morph into a caring partner?
Tearing me down to his sister, his work colleague, and my youngest stepdaughter. We have a 12 year old son that we adopted and FW also spews to anyone who will listen that he never wanted him and I forced the adoption on him.
Read what you wrote.
If you can’t leave for you, leave for your son. No one should have to live with a “father” who tells people he never wanted his child.
If you have stepchildren, it sounds as if he’s already lost one marriage. I wonder if he isn’t the same FW he’s always been.
You can drape a choir robe over a FW, but he’s still a FW.
how do I get my life back?
You TAKE it back.
It sounds as if the affair may still be going on? They still work together? Lawyer up and get yourself away from there as fast as you can! Good luck, life is really better on the other side of a FW!!
Searching to Heal,
You ask “How do I get my life back?” While it’s a lot easier said than done, and it’s not the work of a moment, I‘d advise that rather than thinking about your “old life” you leave and build a new one and only take those elements of your “old life” that you choose to.
LFTT
Don’t be mad at yourself. These things are big and take some time to process. But if you were visiting with me over coffee, my summary comment would be to get therapy and work on leaving. It doesn’t have to be tomorrow. Just head that way.
My ex (a part-time preacher) left twice. A year into the second long-distance separation, I refused reconcilation. I could have done it earlier, but I didn’t. I needed that gap to get my head together. He tried to blame-and-game. I was firm. Then he wanted a divorce. I agreed.
The divorce and closeout were long and messy, just confirming that it was over. I was so burned out that I cried after signing, and then never again. I felt meh when I found out that the judge had signed off. Closeout dragged on for over another year, but I felt so very much better about the whole thing. It’s been a few years since we heard from him.
I didn’t leave our long-term church until later, when they took a strong “no divorce ever” stand and became so family-centered that the leading elder actually told me that single parents with kids aren’t families in God’s eyes. Only two-parent couples are families. There was more, but I was over it and found a church that is way more balanced. That brought yet more healing.
But all good. Truly. My young adult kids are doing great, and I’m loving semi-retirement. There is life after divorce!
One of the first DivorceCare groups I was in I heard a similar story. The man’s ex wife carried on an affair with the church music director, who happened to be the pasto’rs son. They turned this around on him and kicked him out. He carried shame for twenty years. Almost every organization’s #1 priority is self preservation. A church is no different. Chump Lady is right about your leverage in negotiating a divorce settlement. Get a good attorney and bring the hammer down for your sake and your son.
A while ago, I read an account by a paramedic who had been called to perform CPR on a churchgoer during service. Apparently, the service continued while CPR was going on and some other churchgoers even complained about the paramedics being too loud while trying to save their patient’s life (!). The account sounded genuine.
I know it’s a bit tangential, and I’m sure not all religious people would act like that. Some of them do, however. I don’t think such people could be expected to treat a chump fairly, either. It’s a sad reality.
Yes! Every organization’s top priority is self preservation! That’s why she should get a lawyer immediately – this workplace affair is not something they’d want to broadcast.
Not a church goer, the hypocrisy turned my stomach as a teen.
It was however your community, social circle for many years so you need to build/find a new one for yourself and regain your own identity.
Start maybe with joining a single parent group. Or parents of adopted kids. Or hobby based activity. Volunteering. Something where you are YOU, not just the “scorned woman” or “bad wife who deserves to be chumped” or whatever role FW has forced you into within the church circle. Look on FB or meetup. Make a new friend or two. If you don’t work then get a job unrelated to that church because that can be validating too.
It’ll help you feel stronger and better as you slog through all the other crappy stuff.
Please get a lawyer even if you can’t leave yet. FW sounds sick and cruel to talk about your son that way. Please protect yourself and your child. You were quite brave to leave the church!
It’s impossible to move on while you’re still married to your cheating spouse.
Take a deep breath, realize it is going to get worse before it gets better, then buckle down and get a lawyer as CL suggests.
This part SUCKS. But on the other side is that new life. And it’s worth climbing the mountain for.
There’s no hope for this marriage. If he’s badmouthing you to friends, family, and colleagues, he’s already done. He doesn’t want your marriage to work. He may be waiting for you to get fed up and leave so he doesn’t look like the bad guy. If he’s still working with AP, believe me, the affair is ongoing (ask me how I know). A guy who wanted to save his marriage would cut ties, and wouldn’t trash talk his spouse.
You have lost friends. You’ll lose more. But what you WON’T lose are the real ones. Those are your people. There’s nothing like an affair/divorce to show you who is a genuine friend and who is just fair weather. And you don’t need those fair weather friends. Better a small group of trusted people who care about you than a hundred casual “friends” who are willing to believe your husband’s lies.
It’s beautiful here on the other side. You can do it. Focus on yourself and your kids. Your husband isn’t safe. Your church isn’t safe. Don’t spend the rest of your life there. You deserve to feel safe and at peace, and so do your kids. And PLEASE document anything you have that indicates that your husband doesn’t want your adopted son so that you can get full custody. Children deserve to feel loved and wanted. Leave this man if for no other reason than your child. Even if you can’t do it for yourself (yet), do it for your son.
One of the hardest things, and something I still struggle with almost 10 years later, is the injustice of it all. Unfortunately, one rarely sees justice over infidelity and betrayal. Living well really is the best revenge. You have to let the rest of it go. Divorce court isn’t interested in justice, so you won’t find it there. People, in my experience, don’t care if someone cheated on you. If that person benefits their life in some way, they’ll excuse it. My FW’s AP still trash talks me to this day, even though she broke up with him five years ago and he is dead now. She thinks I’m the villain and she’s the victim and I doubt that will ever change (I think she’s as much a narcissist as he was). And it bothers me, I won’t lie. But then I look around at the beautiful life I’ve made for myself and my son and I realize it just doesn’t matter what AP thinks or says about me, nor what all the “friends” I cut out of my life think. The people who matter know the truth. I have my true friends and I’ve made new friends who never met either FW or AP. They seem to think I’m pretty cool and fun. Purge out all those hypocrites from your life who banded together to protect your abuser. It will do wonders for your peace of mind.
You’ve got this. Get a lawer, get everything you’re entitled to, and take care of yourself.
Or as a friend once said to me, consider the money for your divorce an investment in your future.
My attorney was very generous with what he did for what I paid him. He was top-flight and wrote off our interactions at times because he knew that I was struggling financially.
There was still some gross injustice in the whole thing, but I focused on getting the marriage ended and opening the next chapter. At times that was hard to process, but no regrets post-divorce. None.
I once read something that said “my old life was the price I paid for the new one”. It’s scary to start over, but you’ll never find out just how good your new life can be til you let go of the old life.
Searching – the two motivations which allowed me to leave were “dignity” and “agency”. I could not tolerate having others determine my future behind my back.There are lawyers who will guide you and other worship communities to sustain you. Quietly get your ducks in a row, practice self care. Do not accept his criticism as anything but protecting his own image. No contact asap.
Yes, the whole thing seemed just so very overwhelming to me.
But I found an attorney who got it done, and changed churches to find a better mix. The church change was more recent, but very much needed. I’m looking forward to helping with the Easter sunrise service!
Your son deserves better. A LOT better. I hope that you don’t feel guilty at reading that, but your husband is abusing that sweet, innocent child — in my book anyway. How does his “spewing” not get back to your son? How can your son not feel that disdain from his dad, even if dad doesn’t say it to his face?
I don’t know how old your son was when y’all adopted him, but if he’s already been through major disruption, he doesn’t need this jackhole’s abuse on top of it.
I feel sick to my stomach and incredibly angry and sad reading this. My sincere and profound condolences to our letter writer today, and sending a huge hug.
You don’t get your life back. You get to build a new one. One that is BS free. Your life was not what you thought it was. You don’t want that fake icky life back any more than you would want the ABC gum under the table. Again, you get to build a GENUINE version of the life you thought you had.
I wish I could say that the healing process is quick and easy, but it is not. It’s a wound that will likely require periodic cleaning for the rest of your life. The feelings can be incredibly intense and intrusive and overwhelming. I have always had a great therapist helping me since I was 22. IMHO, it’s essential for help healing from betrayal.
But as Gandalf (basically) said in Lord of the Rings, despair is for those who are certain of the outcome.
It’s been very helpful and important to me remember that we do not know the outcome.
A pox on the cheaters. Extra hugs to all the little folks affected.
♥️
Basically, this is off the charts painful, the healing process is lengthy and some of it can be lifelong…the effects are definitely lifelong…and healing takes TIME and ASSISTANCE.
Like every other person alive and has ever lived, we can go on to have enjoyable meaningful lives after a painful and difficult tragedy, but the only way there is THROUGH.
There is no short-cut and no getting around it.
And you’re not alone. VERY helpful to remember.
♥️
All of us on this forum have been victims of infidelity, some like you, wrestling with how to leave, and others well on the other side of leaving, living full lives. What one cannot fathom in the throes of despair and grief is how much happier you will eventually be. I felt like I lived in a dark box for years; no sunlight, little food, no space to stretch and grow. It was familiar. I knew what to expect. I was terrified of what was outside of that box. I’ll tell you now that outside of the box is sunlight, warmth, adventure, curiosity, and also admittedly moments of fear and anger. CL says that we won’t know the way until we are on it and can see it in hindsight. One small step at a time. Do what feels in your capacity in the moment to take steps towards agency, self respect and loving kindness for yourself and your children.
Searching, where is the silver of hope coming from? This man is not just a cheater, he is actively defaming you and even bad-mouthing your adopted son. I see no possible hope there. He’s a horrible person who doesn’t genuinely care about anybody. You need to let go of the idea that you have anything to work with here. I know it’s hard to let go, but believe me when I tell you that staying with this man will be much harder. He’s not going to change and obviously doesn’t even want to. That’s the reality. I’m sorry. Be easy on yourself and get a new life as well as a new church.
Don’t blame yourself, Searching, but please think about how you want to spend your precious time with your son and yourself.
It took me almost four years to leave, and he never thought I would actually go.
During that time, I nursed his father through hospice, nursed him after an auto accident, and stepped up to keep it all going.
I’ll admit that I wish I had left sooner and had made taking care of myself my priority.
I hope the letter writer gets away from this guy asap. He’s not a committed Christian, and it sounds like he’s barely a committed human.