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Best Curses Contest

It’s the start of the weekend, so maybe I’m getting giddy or something, but I got the idea for a curse contest from a Facebook post my SIL had on “book curses.” Since ancient times, there were curses for people who didn’t return library books. According to the Wiki page,

One example of a book curse in the Benedictine nuns monastery of Sant Pere de les Puel·les in Barcelona reads as follows:

For him that stealeth, or borroweth and returneth not, this book from its owner, let it change into a serpent in his hand and rend him. Let him be struck with palsy, and all his members blasted. Let him languish in pain crying out for mercy, & let there be no surcease to his agony till he sink in dissolution. Let bookworms gnaw his entrails … when at last he goeth to his final punishment, let the flames of Hell consume him forever.

Which got me to thinking — if there can be curses for overdue library books, how about cheating spouses? (Although unlike an overdue library book, you don’t want a cheater returned to you.)

Humor leads to “meh” chumps, I swear! So, you’ve got until September 27 (next Friday) to post your submissions in the comment section here. Best curse gets a “meh” mug. (And if you already have a meh mug, you can choose some other cartoon.)

Need inspiration? Check out this site on Yiddish curses — these people know from curses! I like:

A hundred houses shall he have, in every house a hundred rooms and in every room twenty beds, and a delirious fever should drive him from bed to bed.


God should bestow him with everything his heart desires, but he should be a quadriplegic and not be able to use his tongue.


They should free a madman, and lock him up.

I came up with some of my own curses too.

“May the crazy of a thousand bipolar mistresses be visited upon your doorstep, when you countenance their wrath, naked, with all the neighbors watching.”

“May the Child Support Enforcement Office of the Commonwealth of Virginia torment him with bureaucracy and unintelligible customer service, may they destroy his name and credit history.”

“Your breasts shall wither, your skin sag, and the consort Jason shall answer you ‘Yes, your ass looks fat in those jeans.'”

Your turn!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Oh you’re dating my ex? Like you did for months behind my back? Like two, cold, heartless, immature, reptilian fucks, you both basked in heartless euphoria at my expense…Ssshh! Isn’t this exciting!..hehe…You like leftovers? May your bitter affair partner tongue soon taste the warm backwash of my beer….For once the fog has lifted, the sign will be clear…Welcome to Hell!

  • May you _publically_ get everything you want in life.


    All the contradictory impulses. All the things you want but want no one to know. May you get all the attention you can stand (through involuntary commitment to the state mental hospital for the criminally insane). Incidentally may you have a short commute, since you already work at the state mental hospital for the criminally insane.

    May you have the opportunity to explain to police and judges why other people force you to lie. May you have the opportunity to explain to mental health professionals why sex is supposed to be painful for your partner. May you continue to take money you have neither earned nor saved, and may you have the opportunity to explain to a judge why you are entitled to it.

    May your child have plenty of time with you, whether you or the affair partner are the person parenting her or not, the better to form her own opinion of your character, and of the type of person she wants to get into a relationship with when she is older.

    May your affair partner (and your current extra relationships) share your opinions on fidelity and commitment. May your friends give you the same support and attention which you gave them over the course of our decade long marriage–may your affair partner cut off your access to them by informing you that no one likes you and you aren’t welcome at their events when you are vulnerable and need support.

    May you get back *exactly* what you have given in the world, and may you have no way of escaping it.

    • “May you get back *exactly* what you have given in the world, and may you have no way of escaping it.”

      OOoooooooh, I like this one! THIS is the perfect one for my ex! And so succinct and subtle, too!

  • May you have a flat and lifeless dick which don’t erect even after the viagra that you take before your kinky sex encounters.
    May you grow old fast with wrinkles, lifeless skin and bones hanging out and can’t even recognize yourself. May people teach their young lads, why not to cheat showing your example.
    May you never get a job again and are forced to sit beside beggars and beg for alms near temples and mosques.
    May your mother have a shitty paralyzed old age, with everybody she crushed under her weight during her lifetime, shunning her in the end.
    May you and your mother have a worst nightmare of life ahead!

      • I like the addition of the mother. My ex MIL is a passive aggressive manipulative bitch who has visited so much hurt on to so many people. She has no one but a few family members around her – no friends or anyone else – and I sincerely do hope she gets what she deserves in the end.

  • May you always get what you want but never what you need.

    May your days be long and your nights lonely.

    May you forever be with the person you love the most, yourself

  • May your soulmate spend four score years in menopause, thrashing in bed as you try to sleep, maintaining the thermostat at 50 degrees, nagging and wailing and subjecting you to much adversity, whilst your first beloved lives a contented and happy life.

        • Thought of more: May your soul mate despair when she learns that your property settlement of five loaves and two fishes will not multiply to forever feed her and her progeny. May she then spend four score years in menopause, thrashing in bed as you try to sleep, maintaining the thermostat at 50 degrees, nagging and wailing and subjecting you to much adversity, whilst your first beloved lives a contented and happy life.

  • Okay, so I’m going to plagiarize Shakespeare, but here goes:

    To STBX: Thy infinite and endless liar, thy hourly promise-breaker, thy fusty nut with no kernel, thy lump of foul deformity with all eyes and no sight: may all the infections that the sun sucks up be visited upon you and your rooting hog whores. My divorce cannot come quickly enough from such a beetle-headed, flap-ear’d knave. May you know sighs and groans as I have known them, and may we ultimately become better strangers.

    • AmyLou:

      This is the absolute best! I almost spit coffee out of my nose when I read it! Nothing beats putting someone in their place using Shakespearian language! “Thy lump of foul deformity with all eyes and no sight . . .” That’s him! “Rooting hog whores” is going to be my new phrase of choice! It may replace the Right Reverend Ho-Bag.

  • May your manhood remain ever flaccid and limp as you plead for female attention that is forever denied you. May you live out your days alone, with the ghosts of regret to constantly remind you of the beautiful love that you were given but foolishly tossed away. May you watch the woman that you betrayed live a long and happy life as you grasp desperately at the most wretched of whores in a desperate but futile attempt to find love. May you get a rash on your junk from screwing anything female that will spread her legs for you, a rash that will cause the agony of a thousand flaming torches at even the gentlest of touches. But most of all, may you be stricken with an inability to ever tell even the smallest of lies.

    • I love the positive spin on this one: May you watch the woman that you betrayed live a long and happy life as you grasp desperately at the most wretched of whores in a desperate but futile attempt to find love.

    • Ouch!!! I read your “Curse”, and I believe it applies to me…(God forbid it, Please!!)

  • May you one day fall in love and be cheated on, and destroyed. May you grow old and undesirable, and therefore unable to fulfill your insatiable need for validation via sexual conquest, and then may your fourth suicide attempt be successful.

    • Or better still, may you one day see yourself and your life’s choices, with full realization of what you have been and done.

  • Worst curse I can conjure:

    May you and the affair partner you married stay together forever.

    • hahaha…too true. Ex and his final OW are bored after roughly two years. I hope they stay together forever and that she spends her life checking up on him while he spends a life of frustration over not being able to continue being a serial cheater.

        • Yeah, he appears to be on his best behaviour right now but he’s bound to crack, particularly if he’s bored. The brea up should be epic when it comes.

      • I’m not feeling very literate right now, so feel free to jazz this up as you wish:

        I wish for my STBX and his current GF all the uncertainty, misery and angst I experienced during the last 23 years and his several affairs, when I woke up each and every morning dreading the thought of what new horrible discovery the day would bring.

        On a side note, try googling “curse tablets” if you’d like to read how the Greeks and Romans wished ill-will on their enemies. Some pretty inventive and entertaining maledictions back then …

        • I love this one! I, too, wake up dreading what new horrible thing I’ll discover each day — there’s always a new shock.

  • My curse for the OW ” May you soon know the real personality of the man I have lived with all these years” That didn’t quite come out the way I wanted it to but it works.

  • May your balls be forever lumpy, and you never will achieve the “happiness” you so desire.

  • May a scorned or blackmailed gay partner out you on facebook for all your 5,000 “friends” to see.

    May every casting director laugh at your pathetic auditions and tell you to your face you are terrible.

    May every woman you hope to fool into becoming your next meal ticket laugh and tell you “no way!”

    May your cheating dick never become erect again, and may it be covered with oozing sores.

    May you have nothing but negative comments and thumbs-down on your many videos.

    May no one “like” your endless updates on Facebook.

    May even your family turn against you.

    May the child support agency dog you for the rest of your days, and may the IRS put you in jail for not paying your taxes.

    May you spend the rest of your miserable life unemployed, broke and homeless, going from couch to couch until you run out of friends and have to live on the street.

    May the Lord rip the shutters from your eyes and the walls from your heart so you can truly see and feel the crushing weight of every evil thing you have done, right before you die and are cast into hell.

    • I love that song! Scream sing it quite often in the car…. I love the line that says ‘I pray your tire blows out at 110’… Douchebag has a mid-life crisis motorcycle and I must admit I fantasize regularly about that line coming true.

  • May you reap what you sow.

    Designed specifically to get through to a faux Christian (the ones without a smidge of compassion or love for their fellow man)

    • The faux Christian-exactly. He sincerely pretends listening to a religious radio station a couple times a month makes him a card carrying good guy.

      • My Catholic, church goin X and his skank go every Sunday. Why the holy wafers haven’t burned holes in their ugly faces is another one of God’s mysteries.

        • ROFL, I got such a kick out of that mental image…….and you know, mine did always claim he would burst into flames if he ever crossed a church’s threshold. Vampires, the lot of ’em!!

        • Yes, my ex, the adulteress and the bastard child go every Sunday as well. No shame.

          Or maybe it’s an oppositional/defiant thing with God. Ain’t no Supreme Being going to tell them they aren’t good enough…..

        • I can’t understand it either, I think I’d be a little nervous setting foot in a church if I were a cheater, especially if I had the AP at my side. I can just see your ex & his slimy woman, sitting there with smug expressions while listening to sermons on hypocrisy. And totally not getting the irony. My STBX & his relatives are pseudo Christians, they all mouth the words, but don’t actually go to church. Afraid of thunderbolts from above, maybe.

      • Heck, my ex met his most recent AP in the Catholic Church where he is musician in residence. AP is a divorced woman, volunteering as cantor. Guess how she broke up her first marriage? Yup, cheated on her husband, he walked.

        I fantasize frequently that a bolt of lightning strikes them at the communion rail….or an uptight deacon who knows what went down publicly refuses them communion!

        It is awesome to have achieved Meh!

        My favorite saying? “The best revenge is living well….” And hell yes, I’m living well!

        • Cheaters hooking up while performing church duties. There’s gotta be a special punishment set aside in Hell for something like that.

  • Following up on Angie’s post:

    May you find one morning in the shower, as you begin to lather up, that your skin has become covered with painful masses of erupting pustules that can’t bear the slightest touch. So that even the slipperiness of the soap feels like the shredding teeth of the cheese grater. May the skin over your entire body repulse at the mere idea of a lover’s caress, but also at clothing or bedding, even of the softest weave.

    May you be reduced to wandering the rooms of your condo, naked, stinking of your own infection, unable to leave, unable to go out into the world that you so desperately need to validate you. May you realize, with utter horror, that overnight, in Twilight Zone fashion, your body has turned itself inside out, so that who you really are shows to everyone who looks upon you.

    I know humor helps, but first I needed to get that one out of my system.

  • Since my future ex is of Irish decent, how befitting to bestow upon him some Irish curses – and yes, these are real…bwahahahahah!!!

    May you marry a wench that blows wind like a stone from a sling

    May you marry in haste and repent at leisure

    May you get the runs on your wedding night (he’s not getting married, but when he does…..)

    • Oh those are good! The Irish and the Jews — I once heard it said that these groups excel at humor because they know persecution.

  • I have no need to curse you, for you have cursed yourself. You are following in your father’s footsteps. Your children will not speak to you when you are old, and you will never see your grandchildren. You will have no true friends. And you will be rich, but incredibly lonely, clinging to the pathetic life that you made for yourself.

      • Mine as well. Father was a big cheater, mother was a cheater, ex and his sibling are both cheaters. Either they cheat in the relationship or they cheat with the person in the relationship. Every. Single. One. Of. Them.

        No way are my kids going down that road.

  • I think Westley’s “To the Pain” from the Princess Bride is most fitting for my STBX:

    “Westley: No. To the pain.

    Prince Humperdinck: I don’t think I’m quite familiar with that phrase.

    Westley: I’ll explain and I’ll use small words so that you’ll be sure to understand, you warthog faced buffoon.

    Prince Humperdinck: That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me.

    Westley: It won’t be the last. To the pain means the first thing you will lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists. Next your nose.

    Prince Humperdinck: And then my tongue I suppose, I killed you too quickly the last time. A mistake I don’t mean to duplicate tonight.

    Westley: I wasn’t finished. The next thing you will lose will be your left eye followed by your right.

    Prince Humperdinck: And then my ears, I understand let’s get on with it.

    Westley: WRONG. Your ears you keep and I’ll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, “Dear God! What is that thing,” will echo in your perfect ears. That is what to the pain means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.”

    • As you wiiiish!!! (One of my family movies. Introduced to us kids by my Harley riding step dad, oddly enough. My kiddo is finally old enough to share it with her.) I never would’ve remembered this scene, & it’s absolutely perfect for this post. Thanks for adding. 🙂

  • May you fall deeply and completely in love with someone, who is everything you need, and devote all your life and energy to them- only to find that all their delicious professions of love for you are FAKE and MEAN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. May you walk in on her blowing your boss, and see her laugh histerically at you crying. Ouch!

  • May you ever and
    Always recieve the phone
    Numbers you ask for but
    May they always be

    May you ever and
    Always successfully
    Take a girl home with
    You when you ask
    And may she always be
    willing to do whatever
    Sex act that you want
    But may you always only
    Push a rope, your extremedies
    Too numb to feel a thing.

    May every porn website
    You visit at home
    Infest your computer
    With a thousand bugs
    And may you have no
    Backup for your hard

    May all your facades
    Fall before the eyes
    Of every shallow friend
    You made while keeping
    Me in darkness from
    Their minds.

    May they one by one
    Turn their backs to you
    In favor of a better life

    May the encroaching
    Crush of lonliness
    Drive you to seek
    Favor of the woman
    Who you crushed before

    Your only respite
    Being to throw your
    Wasted body at
    The mercy of her
    Heart and may you cry
    Tears scald your cheeks
    As boiling blood in
    Hell the sinners

    Only her forgiveness
    Break your curse…

    But may she have the
    Joy of never
    Seeing you

    For the record, I did this in iambic pentameter. All exceptions for femenine endings and rhythm applied. It’s times like this that I really, really, REALLY appreciate my Shakespeare teacher and how much emphasis he put on understanding iambic pentameter and all it’s nuances.

  • May your razor tongue wither away & fall into your lap,
    thus causing you to write down every act of abuse.

    May you become so disordered that your wretched mommy be your only nurse.

  • Oh yeah-

    May there finally be a private family wing built in the local psychiatric hospital,
    so that you have only each other to pick on.

  • After charging in boldly to rescue your princess, may you be too late. You see her impaled on another man’s member.

    May you be invited to the friends whose house she sits, only to find they wish a foursome.

    May your mistress discover that while you run the dash quite well, you lack the stamina for the marathon.

    May you discover that you are truly “soulmates.”

  • May you never know a good night’s sleep again.

    May all your lies and ugly actions be laid bare for the world to scoff at, and may you find yourself naked and friendless.

    May you have the misfortune to sleep with every VD-ridden boat whore in every port your “ship of fools” docks at…..and may any protection you (probably didn’t) use fail you miserably.

    May you become THAT cautionary tale for new sailors.

    May you develop elephantitis of the testicles.

    May your children’s lives be defined by doing the exact opposite of their sire’s poor example, and may they be blessed with all the niceties you cannot have.

    May everything you put into this marriage be given back to you threefold, until the .
    end of your days.

    And finally, in the epic words of Brad Pitt’s character from Seven Years In Tibet: “There was a time I would have wished you dead but your shame will be your torture and your torture will be your life. I wish it to be long.”

  • May you be in heaven half an hour, so you’ll know what you’re missing when St. Peter gets your rap sheet and boots you directly to hell.

  • To any such man who cheateth, may he be spared the fire of hell, painful illness and physical suffering and agony and endless torture of that burning place for the most evil.

    Instead may he meet, marry and liveth in immortality with my STBXW!!

  • Because you can’t pass one by without pausing to admire yourself, may you stop and look deep into a magic mirror that reflects the true you despite your attempts to hide beneath your swinging seventies look (which you think screams, “Twenties!”). May that reflection cause you to feel overwhelming, crushing shame for the atrocities you have perpetrated on your spouse and children.

  • May you come to a complete, total and visceral understand of your thoughts and your actions, and be unable to escape that understanding. Ever. Let it haunt you all your days.

  • May the novel I am writing about you be published and become a bestseller; may Alec Baldwin play you in the film version, Nicole Kidman play me, and the Edith Crawley actress from Downton Abbey play your current wife; may everyone who knows us see the REAL story portrayed on the giant screen; and may I make a fortune from my book/movie and meet someone who looks like Keith Urban (but not the real Keith Urban, because he’s married and I’m not a cheater).

  • I made the mistake last night of having too much to drink and then sending these curse filled texts to my ex. I feel terrible today. I feel terrible he is with the OW who he says is such a nice person. I just feel I took some many spaces backward. Am totally depressed why can’t I just keep the no contact?

    • You broke No Contact.

      We all do it a few times in the beginning. It gets easier with time.

      Don’t beat yourself up over it. Just start again.

      • Thanks its been a year now and I keep making the same stupid mistake. I feel like I constantly degrading myself for a worthless person.
        It’s terrible I can’t seem to find the will power or inner strength to break free of this and I so want to.

    • It’s not the end of the world, He’ll get over it with his short attention span. His or OW ‘s opinion is less than valuable she’s won the booby prize.

      Don’t beat your self up. Just start over. Ignore any comments from him. Don’t apologize.

      Hope that one day this will pass and that will be a funny story line for you. best of luck.

    • Gottogetbetter,

      Don’t beat upon yourself because you loved someone and they hurt you and you’re still hurting. People fall off the “no contact” wagon all the time. Just climb back on and start over. Everyone heals differently and in their own time. You will take steps backward, but as long as you keep moving forward you will eventually be okay.


      • AS everybody said: Please do not beat yourself up. It happens to all of us, all the time. Go NC yet again.
        It takes time, some therapy, many quiet moments with yourself, a new demanding life, hobbies and new ones, some good friends…and many such…with time you’ll get over. You are only human!

  • As no one or nothing can put a curse on someone like the ancient scribes, I will quote the Bible, for real, because it would be difficult to do it better.

    “The Lord will strike you with the boils of Egypt, with tumors, with the scab, and with the itch, from which you cannot be healed. The Lord will strike you with madness and blindness and confusion of heart. And you shall grope at noonday as a blind man gropes in darkness; you shall not prosper in your ways; you shall be only oppressed and plundered continually, and no one shall save you.”

    So let it be written, so let it be done. 🙂 🙂

  • May your hemorrhoids itch endlessly and your new wife suffer from an unexplainable vaginal odor. And may the dentist bestow upon you the sacred blessing of a root canal.

    • Yours is my fav… couldn’t have said it better myself. “May Chumplady bestow upon you the riches of a Meh Mug and may your mug never find itself empty of the joy you’ve given me.”

  • “Fair is foul, and foul is fair :
    Hover through the fog and filthy air.”

    May you be seduced and comforted by the perfect life you believe you have.
    May your days be tranquil, calm, and full of the joys you always wanted.
    And one day, may all of that be ripped away from you, the blinders pulled from your eyes
    until you see that all you had was nothing, and nothing is all you have.
    May you never be able to wash the filth of what you’ve done from your hands,
    and may you wonder for eternity and with deepest regret: “What could have been?”

    And may you be doomed to repeat your mistakes. Hell is repetition.

  • May the putrid stench of your rotten soul permeate the air around you and follow you everywhere you go so that no amount of charm or seduction can mask the fact that you are dead on the inside.

  • “May you fall into their outhouse just as an army of Ukrainians finishes a meal of prune stew and beer.”

  • May the “soulmate” that you left me for (as well as her quick successor) turn out to be a crazy bitch whose selfishness and narcissism out-sparkle yours. May you be struck down by a debilitating kidney stone and 2 root canals. May your credit rating and your income be bottomed out and beat in snake-bellyness only by your standing in the small community in which we live. Oh, those things already happened? Then meh, peace be with you…

    • Thanks, mzmama, for making me chortle out loud here in this coffee shop. No coffee through the nose yet, though. Almost there…

  • May you win millions in the lottery and, because of your financial shenanigans during our marriage, be ordered by the judge to give me 70% of it as an equitable distribution instead of you taking my retirement money. And then, as soon as we divorce, you quickly proceed to piss your share away, being the big shot you think you are, and see all your “friends” fall away when the money is gone.

    More importantly, may all those who still fall for the “good person” facade you project see you for the lying, cowardly, narcissist that you are.

    • I*m 100% behind that last bit. Oh how I wish that people see him for the lying, cowardly narcissist that he is.

      • ditto…had to watch my ex put om the sparkles today at my sons baseball game…makes me ill. Why dont people see through him???alot of them know what he did to our family.

        • Ditto squared, KDL. In the thankfully rare co-parenting situations where I have to be around him (parent-teacher conference, say) it’s become so obvious to me that his flashiness, charm, animation and goofiness are his public mask. But I’ve seen what’s behind it, so his public performance is sickening to me.

          I actually have a physical reaction to him now. It feels like I’m suffocating in his fakeness, and yet sometimes I have to stick around to witness how charmed others are by him. I find him repulsive and wish I could slingshot him to the Everglades.

          • KDL and Rally Squirrel,

            I am so with you on this! Had to endure birthday party for our daughter with STBX there — he was all charm at the Shogun restaurant with my daughter and her friends. The waitress (whom he knows “really well,” it seems — an “old friend”), asked him to go to her party afterwards — right in front of me and my daughter (totally unimaginable since the evening was supposed to be about our daughter — not about him), but why does this surprise me?? I asked her if my daughter and I were invited, too. That made her go away for awhile. Then on my daughter’s Facebook page this morning, I read a post by him that he tagged on my daughter’s page saying what a wonderful daughter HE had and how lucky HE was as a father to have such a smart, caring daughter — implying that he raised her all by himself and forgetting that little part about abandoning us this past year so that he could pursue endless trysts with his ladies. All of his “girlfriends” replied that my daughter was SO LUCKY to have such an AMAZING, CARING, DEVOTED DAD. I am literally sick right now. But there is nothing to do except just ignore it all.

            • “Then on my daughter’s Facebook page this morning, I read a post by him that he tagged on my daughter’s page saying what a wonderful daughter HE had and how lucky HE was as a father to have such a smart, caring daughter — implying that he raised her all by himself and forgetting that little part about abandoning us this past year so that he could pursue endless trysts with his ladies. All of his “girlfriends” replied that my daughter was SO LUCKY to have such an AMAZING, CARING, DEVOTED DAD. I am literally sick right now. But there is nothing to do except just ignore it all.”

              This is exactly the sort of thing my ex posts constantly on Narcbook. That’s why I finally blocked him. Now I cannot see anything he posts, even comments on things our son writes. I don’t even see his name when he “likes” something. Nor can he see anything I write, or even find my name or page. It’s a relief to no longer have his lies and bullshit coming up in my face. I highly recommend you do the same.

              • Dear GladIt’sOver,

                I’m so new to Facebook (I LOVE the term “Narcbook”) that I didn’t even know I could do this. I am going to look for the block feature right now. Thank you!!!!

  • May you have too much to drink and make a pass at the SkankOW’s daughter in front of her husband, mother, and kids. Then when yu hit the sack, may you be unable to get it up again and then fall asleep and wet the bed with her in it. In fact, maybe you wet the bed nightly until eternity. But only at her place.

  • May you walk around with spinach constantly in your teeth.

    May the government make you the example for how it takes a strong stand against illegal downloading.

    May meth addicts move into the condo below you (after our daughter is off to college).

    May the company that makes your platinum hair bleach announce a recall, due to the discovery that long-term usage causes Tourette’s.

    May your sports team be ahead by 5 runs every game up until the last inning, when they choke spectacularly.

    May all women (continue) laugh(ing) at your spandex swimming shirt.

    May next week you be referred to by a cute cashier as Gramps in the grocery store, tho’ you are yet only 43.

    May your affair partner, whom you professed to “have so much in common with,” prove that what you mostly share in common is the propensity to deal with relationship conflict by cheating.

    May skunks find your van irresistible.

    May your tombstone have an embarrassing typo in it.

  • Five years from now, you will wake up to discover that the one “you feel more for than you ever felt for” me, has spent years lying to you, and leaves with your love child. This torments you all day, and you finally have an inkling of what you did to your family. You realize you are xx years old, have lost both sets of children, and have no one that cares for you. The next day you wake up, and go through it again, and again, and again.

    ExH favorite movie was Groundhog Day.
    Both exH and his new bride/AP were both still married when they hooked up.
    This curse would be appropriate.

  • Mayest thou inner thoughts be the only utterances of which you are capable, and mayest thou be unable to stop your words. With this curse thy forked tongue shall be melded, thy words shall be true to the inner you, and that truth shall set free those who would care for thee, thou will be left shorn of comfort and goodwill by thy own tongue and deeds.

  • May you be infested with fleas from the Hounds of Hell themselves and may they suck the life blood out of your body and leave it as withered and empty as your soul.

    • Love this! LOL! There are so many great entries here, I cannot imagine how CL will pick a winner!

  • One for the OW
    May you find yourself in a pick me jig of such intensity your knees are ground to dust and your ankles snap.

  • May the inheritance you are relying upon never come, may your mother live to be two hundred and one…

  • This is actually the chorus of an old C&W song:

    “May the Bird of Paradise fly up your nose.
    May an elephant caress you with his toes.
    May your wife be plagued with runners in her hose.
    May the Bird of Paradise fly up your nose.”

    And the old Yiddish curse:

    “May you inherit a shipload of gold. May it not be enough to pay your doctor bills.”

    And then there is the old Arab curse:

    “May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your crotch. May your arms be too short to scratch.”

    A random one I heard….

    “May a 50 gallon drum of Preparation H not be enough to soothe your worthless a**.”

  • Any other good suggestions for the last line of this little verse that just hit me?
    (It needs to rhyme with the endings of the first two lines, “ra” and “ya”)

    May you always have a shortage of Viagra and Levitra.
    May your girlfriend drop her false teeth when she grins at you to greet ya.
    May your ear hair sprout more thickly,
    as your member grows more sickly
    And never again does anyone believe your, “blah-blah.”

    [This could get addictive]

  • May you be impaled by a Unicorn.

    May you be subjected to an eternity of being recited the crap poetry you wrote.

    May you drown in your crocodile tears.

    • If we could nominate curses for the prize, I’d choose crocodile tears. It’s perfect. 🙂

  • May your soul further blacken with every lie told;
    May people figure out the “real” you as you continue to grow old;
    May Karma bestow upon you all the gifts that you deserve;
    May realization dawn on you that you’re just a sparkling turd.

  • May she deceive you the same way you deceived me. And may she try to tell you : it’s all YOUR FAULT.

    • Oh, and
      May your nasty feet smell become even worse so you can never ever be able to take off your shoes again.

      May your snorring which can wake up an ork be the reason why she cheats on you!!

  • May your house forever be filled with an endless supply of ego kibbles and cake. And you locked outside

  • May you be plagued with uncontrollable, virulent gas every time you go out with a woman. May your crotch be so encrusted with festering jock itch you cannot sit still. May your breath reek of the evil in your soul, so that everyone encountering you cringes away from the smell.

  • May every mirror cracketh upon thy gaze
    May everyone see through thy narcissistic haze
    May thy kibble supply dry up and be done
    May the rest of thy life be alone with no one.

    sorry I cant stop rhyming.

  • may you eventually be almost 60, and alone, sitting in your bedroom, smoozing via e-mail, with a big black nigerian man, whom, you are convinced is a 23 year old blonde woman with big tits, who is being abused and only needs 4000 dollars to fly out of Nigeria, and come to you.

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