I am in the middle of a nasty divorce with an ex who was having an affair with a married man, a family “friend” living in our neighborhood. The affair was uncovered by his now ex, who found text messages between our spouses confirming the affair. She let me know about the affair and my soon-to-be ex apologized profusely, claiming that it was all a mistake, etc., etc. She claimed that it was over before the other spouse discovered it, that it had been a mistake, and that she wanted to save our marriage. Being a chump, I took her apology hook line and sinker and have since been handed a double-decker shit sandwich. I tried forgiveness and thought that we were on the road to returning to a blissful marriage, before I realized that she had no similar intentions.
During this period of reconciliation things got so messed up that my soon-to-be-ex convinced me that if our marriage was going to work she needed promises from me! She said that I had always made promises that I never kept and that she needed some “guarantees” that I was going to stay with the marriage and that she would be okay, financially, if I fell through on that promise. So I went so far as to draft a post-nuptial agreement, which essentially gave her 90% of our assets and 75% of my net income, until our children were out of high school, if for some reason I left our marriage! (She tried to enforce this document after she filed for divorce, but thankfully the court found it to be unconscionable and invalidated it.)
My soon-to-be ex actually was the one who initiated the divorce, claiming, for the first time, that I was emotionally abusive, because I was angry over her affair. She has made false accusations to the court about physical abuse and child abuse by me. Her attempts at a restraining order against me were denied by the court, but she continues to make false accusations of me being abusive. I have resisted going public to her family about her affair, initially because I thought we were reconciling and I knew that publicizing the affair to her family would destroy any shot at reconciliation. But now her allegations are threatening my position with respect to custody of our two minor children, who were in the house asleep on at least one occasion, when she and her affair partner had a hook-up in our bedroom, while I was working out of state!
Not a single person has stepped forward to support her false allegations against me, while several have provided affidavits to support my positive parenting with our children. I feel that it is time for me to stop being Mr. Nice Guy while she spreads lies about me and I want to put all the cards on the table with her family, regarding how she destroyed our family and another family with her selfish affair, but I don’t want to be labelled as the bitter ex. But I feel like I am fighting for my rights as the father of my children (8 and 10) as well as my reputation. When I tried to reconcile the marriage I kept all the information about her affair to myself, because I knew that if I approached her family any chance of saving the marriage was over. Now I feel like my silence has been manipulated and she is portraying herself, falsely, as the victim, when in fact her actions are what destroyed the marriage. Do I continue keeping this information to myself or am I justified in putting all the ugly laundry out on the table?
There’s Mr. Nice Guy and then there is Mr. Trampled-Ass-Eat-Dust-Lick-Boots-Of-Abject-Humiliation-And-Say-Please-And-Thank-You.
You’re Mr. Trampled Ass. Yes, Lou for the love of God, RISE UP. Tell the court and all concerned that this disordered bitch cheated on you.
Does that make you bitter? No, it makes you truthful. It’s relevant to your divorce. HelloOooo, it’s why you are divorcing.
Where did you get the idea that telling the truth about your ex is spiteful? When did you become her PR manager and keeper of her good name? And how’s that working out for you, my chumpy friend? How did appeasement and reconciliation work for you?
It resulted in you fucking yourself with a post-nup and finding yourself embroiled in a custody battle.
I’m not saying call her a whore (except privately, to yourself) — but be matter-of-fact. This divorce is a result of her affair. Period. Full stop.
Disordered wing nuts all know the best defense is a good offense, which is why they are so quick to get to the narrative first. They count on your chumpiness and fair-mindedness. Your conflict avoidance and false, chumpy belief system that you can “nice” people into reasonable behavior. While you’re there sputtering for polite discourse, she’s wiping her boots on you. When you object to the boot, she claims victim status.
So EXPOSE these motherfuckers. Every abusive asshole everywhere needs sunshine and disinfectant. You think Ray Rice, Ravens idiot and domestic abuser would voluntarily lose his job if it weren’t for video evidence of him cold-cocking his wife to the point of unconsciousness? Oh! And he (and the NFL) had her publicly apologize for her part in her abuse too! It’s what these freaks DO. For you it’s signing over your assets to a woman who cheated on YOU. For her it’s “owning her part” in that asshole assaulting her.
So much nicer for abusers if you just eat the shit sandwich.
Lou, you only control you, so DON’T EAT IT.
Every person who ever launched a liberation campaign, who ever upset the established order of wing nut, is maligned. If I can discredit you, no one will notice my misdeeds.
That’s why you need to be cool, calm, collected and TRUTHFUL.
Do you have evidence of the affair? Does the OM’s wife still have it? Hand it over to your lawyer and let them do the talking. Anyone in your life, in your family — you tell them — and it will spread, I promise. Then, just go no contact with her and get on with your life.
This woman had you thinking up was down. Really, SHE needs assurances that YOU won’t leave? And then you desperately reassure her just so she can fuck you over in a divorce?
Something in you believed her. That YOU were the real problem here. That you could control her crazy with appeasement and promises, when she was really seven chess moves ahead of you.
Chumps need to stop buying the narrative of “The problem isn’t what I did — it’s your reaction to it.”
The problem isn’t her cheating, the problem is your anger and upset.
No, the problem IS her cheating. There is so much crap out there that wants chumps to show fealty to the cheaters right after discovery. Oh, they’re timid forest creatures. Oh, make the marriage a good place to be. Oh, admit how you drove them to fuck other people.
And this is how it works out — they stab the chumpy heart that loves them.
Stop taking it, Lou. If it’s not too bad to do, it’s not too bad to speak of it.