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Merit Badges for Cheaters

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Cheaters make cheating seem so easy. It just happened! I don’t know whose underwear that is. It just appeared! But really, we know it takes mad skills to cheat. Laying the groundwork for a double life is like preparing for a NATO airstrike. The burner phone, the aliases, the diverted monies…

So today’s Friday Challenge is to create merit badges for cheaters. Let’s recognize their cleverness which they so highly esteem in themselves. Sure, it’s easy to dupe a loving partner who trusts you, but it takes a special kind of fuckwit to think it’s an achievement. Yes, that stripper really does love you for YOU.

What must cheaters do to earn the badge? Are there rankings? What games are they playing at Camp Narcissist this summer? (Capture the Sad Sausage?)

Tramp Collecting?

Photoshopping Dating Profiles?

Dis-orienteering?

TGIF!

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • First of all thank you CL and CN I’ve just found you and you have brought me out of my despair and saved me so much wasted time trying to figure this out. My merit badge for my Sad Sausage is that despite being on multiple dating apps, Craigslist, texting a woman 200 times a day, getting videos and sex pics from a woman …now that I’ve filed for divorce he’s told me “But I never slept with her” (despite a medical bill for STD testing but that was due to back pain lol and yes I believed it… wow I’ve come so far ?) so I award you the ” I didn’t fuck the Ho(s)” badge! Bye sad sausage have fun at Camp Chlamydia while I’m ????

    • Good one! i just cracked up. needed that! Must be my STBX’s twin. I heard the same… “but I didn’t bang anyone I swear”. Yeah ok! 4000 texts a month, Tinder, Bumble, Craigslist, etc… I spoke to the tinder whore and had all the texts forwarded to me. Anyway I digress. If I give him a badge based on his LIES… I grant him the “I can’t close the deal” badge!

      • “I couldn’t close the deal.”. Lmao. I wish I would have thought of saying that to him. Bravo!!

        • The restraint badge.
          Even though he was sexting her for two years and Itracked his phone to a hotel in the middle of the day when he said he was test driving a boat, they never slept together until after he asked me for a divorce……out of respect.

          • Mine also earns the Badge of Restraint. He and OW were so sensitive and caring that they claim to have refrained from sex on my birthday every year, even though it was also their “anniversary!” Such noble sacrifice….

        • Thanks Awake! Omg Paintwidow I can’t take it. restraint badge that’s a good one. I did say it in a text. If I said it to his face I don’t doubt he would have knocked me out. All that work! 6 months of working her 5am to 9pm 7 days a week and meet ups at work. ugh I’m such a cockblocker for calling her husband. **snickering**? He just gets an award for “participation”?

          • Perhaps my STBX deserves the “restraint” badge for not having sex with her for a couple of months while we were trying to “reconcile”. Never mind that he was still texting her 24/7 when he was supposed to be NC and he couldn’t wait until after the divorce to start banging her again post reconciliation attempt.

            • Ooo, Cheater #2 earned both those. “But I never had sex with her!” Yeah, who do you think you are, Bill Clinton, FGS???? This denial after several weekends out of town with their bike club (more like the cheating club) and even more long rides (innuendo anyone?) where they were gone all day. Yeah, if you expect me to believe that, I have ocean front property in Arizona I want to sell you, too.

              • There is Karma! It will come! know a terrible pair each were married to awesome people – used to meet up riding their bikes (wink wink) in the woods!! The woman was 36 her -husband was 36 a neurosurgeon and a hottie! She had 2 young kids! She left him for- her bicycling banging buck and he left his skiing champion, sweet adorable wife and daughter. And the bad cheater’s they married! Guess what -it took some 10 yrs time but… now they are 50 and divorced! And he got the prize a lying, boozing bicycle babe who would show up at the school bus reeking of alcohol. The other Chump spouses were devastated. And they were the more outstanding people in each relationship. Maybe that is why cheaters suck. My Cheater is with a 20 yr younger -and goes to her apartment during the day 14 min. from his office, golf club and stays exactly 2 hrs. But they never had sex. I told him that anyone would have a very hard time believing they did not. Lol divorced in 60 days.

      • Lol I can’t close the deal they were even sad sausages when they were trying to get affair pussy. I hope you’re doing great now without your sad sausage WifeofKingTantalus and ??

        • Yep these poor sad limp sausages! My divorce is killing me but there’s some level of peace in the no contact. I hope you are all doing ok too. ?

          • I’ve filed but he’s still living here hopefully only another two weeks. I packed all his stuff and moved it to the garage. I just want him gone so I can adjust to being alone in the house. I bought a keyboard today to learn how to play piano and I have joined some meetup groups which have been great. This blog etc. has provided so much comic relief and helped me realize I’m not alone and it isn’t my fault. I hope it helps everyone else too.

            • Welcome Sad!!
              This blog is the sole reason I had the strength to dismiss the ClusterFuck B Sociopath. It will help you tremendously in your healing.
              I’m meh now, 22 months out from D-day, I have a sweet man in my life who absolutely adores me, I have a job I love, and I am free from abuse and mindfucking.
              It would not have happened if not for CL & CN, and a big shout out to CockSlobber for “stealing” my man!!!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

              • Thanks Ex-orcist this blog has been a lifesaver! So glad to hear you’re meh and free from the mindfuck and that you are loving life!! Fuck sad sausage and cockslobber here’s to their misery ??at Camp Chlamydia!

              • SSS and the Ex-orcist,
                YOU are MIGHTY,
                You make my hear sing!
                Even on cloudy days you have sun and warmth stored in your heart and it will shine through!

                Double Mighty!
                Hear CN roar!
                ?????

            • Dear Sayonara,
              You are MIGHTY! You can make it through the next two weeks and things will be SO MUCH BETTER after he’s gone- I promise. Stay strong… as his time with dwindles down, he will likely begin frantically cycling through the channels; rage, self-pity, etc.. He will likely try really hard to get you to give him “one more chance”. He will say all the things your heart wants to hear. DON’T BELIEVE HIM. I am speaking here from experience. I fell for his bullshit and all it got me was a few more years in fake-reconciliation hell and a few more D-Days (the only think more painful than D-Day, is your 2nd D-Day). Once he is gone, you will have room to breathe. You will more gain clarity with each new day. You will have time to focus on yourself, which is very difficult to do when you are so focused on someone else. Do yourself a favor and go NO CONTACT. Put a little counter on your phone “# of days NC”. Under the counter, list all the reasons why you should remain no contact (i.e. he is a cheating mother-fucker, he lies, he sucks, contact will only make things worse for you, contact is pointless because there is absolutely nothing he can say that will make things better, etc. etc. My list kept getting longer :o). As the counter goes up, so does your resolve! Be brutally honest with yourself. Listen to your head, not your heart. Most importantly, KNOW that you WILL get through this and there is a happy, better, peaceful, cheater-free life on the other side. Many of us here are living proof! I was terrified of being “alone”. I honestly didn’t think I could do it. I truly thought I would never recover; never be happy again. But then something magical happened… I am so much happier now! I have peace in my life again. The ugly drama left with him. I can sleep through the night again! My mother always said, “You can’t put a price on peace- it’s priceless!” And she was so right! I have been divorced and on my own for a year and a half, now. I’m not quite at Meh but I am getting very close. I am so happy with my new life that if I remain single forever I am perfectly fine with that! I have awesome friends, an amazing family, a great job, a daughter who is the light of my life, and a cute little house that is all my own in every way! Trust that the pain is finite, and a great life is waiting for you on the other side… I promise!

              Sending you love, light and strength. You are doing all the right things already. You GO GIRL!
              XOXO,
              Over it

              • Thank you for your kind words and advice over it. yesterday was our wedding anniversary and I got flowers and an invitation to dinner lol I was like there is nothing to celebrate sad sausage so a big fat NO. He’s doing exactly what you wrote starting to freak out that I’ve filed and this is happening and he has to go big a big boy in the big old world. He’s told me he loves me he’s stupid but will change and of course he never had sex with anyone lol. Thanks to you and CN and CL I know I have to stick to “GET THE FUCK OUT” and not let him dissuade me. He was supposed to pick up the divorce papers two days ago and I told him last night I would have him served at work if he doesn’t get them today so of course I’m mean because he’s so busy all day and spread so thin… I told him to pretend it is one of his craigslist whores that he texted 200 times a day and make time.
                Good for you for being at meh and living your life for you!! I want that day to be here so fast but I know it will take patience and just feeling the pain but one day I will get there. Then I will blog advice and kindness to the new chumps on here like you did. Thanks again!! ??

            • yeah Clearwaters I came to the point that the pain and fear of staying was greater than the pain of leaving. it’s a relief just not having someone lying, manipulating, and destroying our self esteem all day eventhough life is shit for a while.

    • “Camp Chlamydia” for the WIN!! I got the same “std test but I didn’t have SEX” although thanks a lot asshole, how did I get herpes, Hep B and mono??? Vaginal secretions can transmit Hep B, I bet he didn’t know that. Never once has he asked how I am, whether I have lasting liver damage-he cut off ALL contact and hoovering after his attny told him I was thinking of suing him separately in a personal injury lawsuit for the risk to my health. I havent been with anyone else since 1990, good luck trying to impression management a new set of lie.

      • BeowulSabrina,
        I just want to hug you, giant hugs to you, beautiful lady.
        Love,
        Peacekeeper
        ( I love your post name)
        YOU are mighty!

        • Hugs back and thank you. This blog has saved me many times in the midst of despair. 26 years with someone I didn’t even know. starting over at 63 is hard but being married to a monster was soul and life draining. Good luck to everyone here. WE ARE MIGHTY.

          • Beowulf… hugs to you, sister! 40 years for me, had to start over at 60 (62 now). Toughest thing ever, but it’s getting easier ever day! We are mighty!

            • Beowulf & My Red Sandals, you give me hope. Mine is forty years and now 58 years old. I’ve been with STBX since I was eighteen.
              Toughest and most painful experience evet!! Hope “sweetie” was worth it for H.
              She was also married (married HO!!).

      • What a colossal shit he is, BSabrina. I hope the organisms he passed on are kept at bay, and you outlive him (with a dynamite life) by 30 years.

      • Hugs, BSab. Chlamydia and HPV here. No other partners, ever. 29 years. Loved him to distraction. Constantly dealing with cervical changes and six monthly smears for the last seven years, including two pretty big and invasive procedures, yaddah, yaddah, just par for the course for the rest of my life. My own body disgusts me now.

        The lack of protection used just makes my brain explode almost more than what he did with my ‘friend’ in my houses and right under my nose, even while the kids were in the house at least once.

        Sending good vibes for a long, happy and healthy life despite his disgusting transmissions. Ugh.

        • So fing sick . All 5 of our pet rabbits died of haemorrhagic symptoms the week my ex decided to tell me he wanted a divorce. His psrents are that weird…. anyway it was soon clear to everyone that the family home was going to be repossessed because he had no intention to pay the mortgage (he refinanced the debt twice before he left spend spend spend…..yes i know CHUMP TASTIC). So no money at ALL so will be renting from now on ( tricky with 5 massive free roaming rabbits never been in a cage) .so now hes throwing around emails trying to put us off the scent like they got accidentally poisoned from some neighbour just at that week after 7 years. Even sending a news link about rabbit viruses spreading to pets. Then i realised. ..he knows all about viruses since he gave me herpes ….feel so tempted to just text something trite like …yeah so great you know how these things get passed on with killing potential. Fucking moron he probably wouldn’t get it.

      • The bus for Camp Chlamydia definitely stops in Clusterfuckdale for more cankers, er.. campers.

  • ‘The highest number of scores in one game’ badge.
    The number of women they had been cheating on all at the same time, now that takes a lot of planning and preparation! And surely deserves a merit badge 🙂
    (my ex had 3 of us at one point)

    • My ex for the win!! He had me,a nurse,a doctor colleague,a patient and a secretary all on the go concurrently.Imagine the cunning deviousness required to run that fucked up puppet show.I prefer the idea of a ‘Manwhore’ tatoo emblazoned on his forehead to a merit badge.Or it could be put on with a branding iron.

      • deedee…omg…how did he ever keep it straight…that takes some mad skilz. How long did he keep that up? How did it fall?

        • He was really good at keeping it underground and compartmentalised like the total sociopath that he is.Some of these women even knew each other,worked alongside each other.I think duper’s delight gave him a high.
          I used a P.I. to get the facts.When I presented the evidence he vamoosed with exit AP.I learned of their relationship from a tawdry rag newspaper because both he and her are relatively well known in my country.
          Total nightmare.He has since moved on to his next victim.
          The whole thing reads like the plot of a soap opera.
          I was a complete mess,now zero contact and meh.Took too long but got there eventually.Now when I think of him I shudder.Repulsive human being.

          • BTW he managed the double life for 20 + years.And no one had a clue.I mean no one.The mask was soooo convincing and his job gave him both a fertile hunting ground and time flexibility.
            High functioning narcissistic sociopath.Dangerous in the extreme.

            • That is sick. I feel the same way about my STBX (not quite that many but still pretty skilled at wearing the mask). He makes my skin crawl now.

              • Yep.Sick is the word.He is charming,urbane,funny,intelligent,beautifully groomed, but beneath the surface was a monster.I am a smart,educated woman with a very demanding career but he was sicker than I am smart.

            • Deedee, I shudder even though I was married for almost 40 years. All the more reason to shudder.

          • My DDay is fresh, less than two months ago. I am slowly learning what a monster he was, but what do I tell my teenage daughter who says he was always a good dad? How do I teach her to have a better “picker” than I had? By the way my STBXH could get a badge for longest time others knew but wife had no clue

            • @Intothelight . You will have to let let your daughter make up her own mind. You can respectfully disagree that YOUR definition of “good dad” doesn’t include hurting their mother, stealing time and assets from the life of the daughter, and then let her see you be MIGHTY. Show her that boundaries are your and her friend. You don’t have to make it about her dad, either. Teenage kids see boundary pushers, and unequal relationships all the time. Use them for examples and you won’t ever have to mention the monster. Respond to comments after she visits him with the classic “Cool, bummer, wow” and let her develop her own relationship. You can’t protect her, but you can give her some tools and clarity even when NO CONTACT with the monster.

            • Oh yeah …that is the standard story….its called the smear campaign. Everyone outside gets the poor oppressed me version and you get the luke warm …we’re ok keep on fucking version so there is no gap in the transition to …im leaving you you must have known….cos everyone else did…feel sorry for you …it takes a while to wrap your head around the evil. Keep reminding yourself its ALLabout them . Sorry dint know what to tell daughter . Mine just watched how shit he treated me and made her own mind up – 16 … its so fucking hard after 20 + years . They have no soul not possible. ..

        • branding iron, now we are talking… now that is an unmerit badge. If only we could brand them. The women of the world would be so grateful. Save so much pain and disease.

      • deedee,
        CN Branding Iron Band will help
        Give us the date as we have to heat up the stamper ahead of time,
        Nice and hot,
        Nice and hot,
        Who’s in?

        • Thanks Peacekeeper.?Truth is I couldn’t care less what he’s doing or who he’s doing.Poor oblivious woman.My past is her future.His pathology means he will never change.

  • I think I’ll go with the https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/4/45/Fish_and_Wildlife_Management_merit_badge%2C_type_J_front.png

    Because of the saying and achievement: ‘Better ten OM/W’s in the air than 1 Chump in your hand’. She sure managed the wildlife out there.

    Or maybe award her the stamp collecting badge(get as much ONS as you can), reptile study (cheaters), shotgun shooting (yeah you shot me right in the face with a shotgun).

    Oh well, whatever. Time to get back to Meh.

    TGIF!

  • “Best friends at work” badge for hiding the affair behind just being partners in a firm.
    “Great Guy” badge facilitated by me for making sure he always showed up or volunteered for the right events, planned great adventures for him to take his sons on and always made sure gifts, cards and his ‘attention’ showed up on time to everyone.

    The Eagle Scout I created fell apart the day he had to do it all on his own!

    Oh, except for the “Best friends at work” badge – THAT he manages to keep on his own ?.

    • “It’s NOT cheating, it’s DATING” badge

      Yeah…because that’s what you do when you’re in a “committed” relationship ??

      • How about, “It’s not dating because we didn’t eat anything!” I just give up on understanding how their minds work.

        • Hahaha! I got that too – but I was never seen in public with her, I never bought her a meal or a gift. So she was not my girlfriend.

          • unbelievable. didn’t think anyone else was being told this shit. “I didn’t have dinner with her she got there after I started eating my burger. I was almost done”

              • So strange…. I seemed to have missed that memo too. I also missed the memo where dating profiles and texting and calling women from Tinder 100s of times a day arranging times to meet for drinks isn’t dating either. ??

              • “She just picked up my beer and drank it.”
                After I caught him at the pub with town drunk “finishing” his beverage.

                Of course, it was all innocent, until the bar called the police to have her removed due to hew cursing out the staff.

  • Can’t Remember Badge
    “I can’t remember anything about that night cuz I was so drunk but I know didn’t fuck anyone!”
    Pfffft, asshole!!

    • I heard that one too! I was drunk or I took antidepressants so I can’t remember. Well, I caught him red handed with one of them and another one sent me proof. He actually gave the one my phone number so she wouldn’t answer if I called. Dummy! She texted me all kinds of things once she got mad at him for dumping her.

  • I annoint the ClusterFuck B Sociopath with the “Failure to Perceive a Threat” merit badge. He wins for being the sole responsibility for fucking his own life up. The prize? A major downgrade in a common, ordinary bar slut with no class or brains. Her name is CockSlobber.
    Who, incidentally, must be driving him crazy now. He is back to his mean miserable rude selfish asshole sociopath self. The honeymoon must have ended when all his plans to destroy me came to an abrupt halt when every scheme blew up in his face. Thus, his plan to punish me deserves a badge. He expected a certain behavior out of me. I don’t blame him there because I was a beaten down chump for 18 years. Then I found CL.
    Insert evil laugh. Fucker got served. ?

  • The “I have no idea how that burner phone showed up on the front seat of my car, but, because it upset you so much, I threw it in the river. When I disappeared for two hours, I driving around to get my head together” badge. Even back then, I was not fooled.

    To this day, I wish I had fought back when he snatched the damn phone from my hand, but I was in shock. Naturally, he had sworn that he was done with OW. But really, not being able to see what was on that phone changed absolutely nothing. His reaction told me everything I needed to know.

    • The phone he “threw in the river because you shouldn’t have had to see anything so terrible” somehow always gets moved from his toolbag in his car to his overnight bag when he had to leave the car home on work trips… But it was thrown in the river, so it’s not in either bag ever, right?

      Funny thing is that it doesn’t even work any more after I pulled all the data and disabled it… but he can’t let the hunk of plastic go, not can admit he still has it.

  • It’s the Oscars
    “And the AWARD, the BADGE, for having the most condoms in the bottom of his travel duffel bag,
    ( placed where I would see it, my first heartstop sign of his ho/co worker affair),
    goes to (long pause) my cheater!
    Standing ovation goes to me for being SO stupid I never never saw the light.

    I hate the Oacars, I just see fake smiles, fancy gowns….and condoms!

    Bear with me, I pray my posts get better.

    Love and thanks to my supportive friends in CN!?

      • I guess they are cheaper in bulk?

        Peacekeeper–all of us can look back and think, “How did I not KNOW?” Don’t beat yourself up. As a friend said, if someone smart wants to deceive you, they will.

        Hugs!

        • Tempest,
          All I can see is him walking into the drug or whatever store and picking up the condoms and taking them to the check out and taking hard earned money out of his pocket to pay for them.
          In the back of his mind does he think of our 3 year old child at home, of me, in first trimester pregnancy for our second daughter. Of Course he doesn’t. In my heart of hearts I know he doesn’t give us a second of a thought.
          His mind is on his tru wuv, the someone he felt how he has never felt for anyone else ever.

          Funny, too, I know he hates to use condoms and with his putting himself and his wants and desires first, always, I doubt he even used them. ( kinda gets in the way of tru wuv)!

          …..sigh…..

          Hope CN is sleeping better than me.?

          • It’s hard to imagine there are people so self absorbed they don’t let annoyances like children or a spouse enter they mind or have a conscious that prevents them from cheating or feeling remorse.
            He only thinks of himself and his current “luv” interest. My X told everyone that he and his AP had so much in common, that he had never been happier in his life. Leaving me was the best decision he ever made. This after 20 years of being a devoted and supportive wife, sacrificing my career for his. X had a long list of my shortcomings as to why he couldn’t live with me any more. All news to me.
            They need to prove to everyone that the decision they made was the right one by announcing to everyone how damn happy they are. Makes me wonder if they’re trying to convince themselves.
            Update, he’s not longer with AP, I found him on match.com while he was living with her and eventually he found his current, true love.
            Sadly their children will be last on his list of concerns if at all. They make their appearances but they’re not going to put their children’s needs or concerns ahead of their own or want the best for them. Certainly not if it inconveniences them or their true luv.
            It was a hard for me to accept and for a long time I didn’t want to believe it until I found CN. Sorry you’re having a hard time sleeping.., and more sorry you’re here but your couldn’t have found a better place to be now that you are..

            • Brit,
              There is so much emotion in your posts.
              I feel your pain and I am so sorry.
              We struggle with how could we be so right for each other, so there, so caring and puff, one gaze in a tru wuv’s eyes and we, the chump become yesterday’s thrown out newspaper, disguarded trash.
              Oh, but look, we have children, born of our love for each other.
              I swear if and I have to say a big if, we Chumps knew of impending heartache that drops us to our knees feeling so nauseated, we could have ordered some of those air plane puke bags, there just in case we need one.
              Our children are our children, every second of each precious day. We love them when they are sleeping, when they are awake all night as we nurse their fever, quiet their bad dream, nourish their tummy, love them to pieces even when they shout, fight, tattle on each other. We might feel a headache coming on, but hell aern’t they the most adorable, astonishing human beings, our precious children.
              For the life of me I will never understand how a cheater can just disappear from a child’s life. I would be unable to breath without knowing where my chin is as her place is with me. My cheater said OW felt bad about taking him away from his tiny daughter. Ahhh, so sweet. Probably almost as bad as he felt wanting to go to his tru wuf, be by her side forever.
              Oh, please pass me another one of those air line bags, I feel a big puke coming on.

              Thank you, your post was so timely.
              I was so down last evening, just one week from SIL’s passing.
              Long road ahead, but you have given me strength and slowly I notice my sense of humour is slowly creeping back. I need it, I count on it, just like I need CL, CN. What would I do without you.

              Oxo’s

            • Mine thought he was doing something wonderful for the kids – cultivating a new mommy that would understand them better than the mean witch who (gasp!) made them get up for school, do their homework, and go to bed. And was so interfering that I would call him from work to ask if he had fed them dinner… “what kind of dad do you think I am?” (um, the kind that is not home and the kids are calling mom at work to ask if Dad is going to bring them food when he gets home from being at work with me, except he wasn’t)

              • Chumpette
                Innocent children, breaks your heart, he couldn’t even feed them.
                He wasn’t there for them. You were working and I am sure you were thinking of them, worrying, wishng you could be 2 places at once.

                To me, it is just a life known fact that my cheater never ever changed one diaper on either of our beautiful daughters.i used to feel so sad and embarrassed about this, but CN has taught me his short (long list) comings are on him. Nothing to do with me, NOTHING!
                Still, I will never understand Chumpette, never.
                You are the sane loving parent, your children feel your love.
                My daughters are older now and the bond we share is air tight, could not be more secure or more full of love.
                I am so sorry for all you have gone thru.
                Xxx

          • I hope you got some sleep, Peacekeeper. Don’t try and make sense of cheaters or their values. Their priority is satisfaction of their nether-regions and no one, and nothing else, is a close second. It’s very painful for chumps to finally acknowledge that, but once you do, you’re in the clear–the attachment to them starts to fade, with disgust and contempt left in its place. Hugs!

            • Tempest,
              I just typed out big chunks of my heart to you and my device lost my writings.
              I am usually very strong. I am the pick me dancer, he stayed and I have lived with that since DDay. The staying!
              Jeep Tess( thanks JT) shared with me a posting with a link stating all characteristics of a narcissist, sociopath. I did know a lot of Hesse traits, I learned more. My cheater does NOT possess a lot of these soul crushers, but he DOES possess enough of them.
              Everything is centered around, up and down, sideways and across HIM.
              I am a very very strong person. Expect Nothing has been my motto, very sad, but it works for me.
              I have a very strong bond with my 2 daughters ghters, I have an army of bummer crop friends, I am even one part of a Thelma-Louise friendship and we have done most everything except go over the cliff, head kerchiefed intact in the convertible. We have comfort in that we do have the convertible.
              Funny, my daughters, my friends, family members do not know about the DDay or the cheating, but they know him and they know his personality, his characteristics. What more can I say.
              Thing is my older daughter’s sudden loss, horrific circumstances of his unfortunate death, well I could not get to her sid fast enough to support her and her young children. Doesn’t leave much time or attention to the cheater. I won’t go more into his character, just the trust that he sucks.
              Older daughter ghter is so close to cheater Dad, tries to please him. Younger daughter would just as well prefer to tell him to go fuck himself. She hates so many aspects of his character, is able to dis nagged herself, usually doesn’t even return his phone calls.
              I am rambling, but just have to tell you, Tempest, that your response post was so timely.
              My daughter was so having a hard time of it last evening, cheater Dad was being his usual poor him left alone act and I felt so very down, trying to stay up for daughter, children…thought my heart would just break apart.
              What I did was I told my daughter to give me one of the sedatives her doctor gave her after her husband passed, (she refuses any medication), I told her I loved her with all my heart, took the medication and went to bed. ( the children were more settled last evening was good for them, bless their heart).
              I slept better. I always have to find a solution, myself, there is no TLC, no strong shoulder to lean on with my cheater. Us Chumps know hey are hollow, no kindness or support inhabits their body, mind or soul. I believe they really are to be pitied, they have no soul. Their loss.
              Me, I got my girls, my little people grandchildren who can melt your heart, give you purpose, and I can do this way of living returns to me.
              But, Tempest, CN, I have to tell you, seeing your posts this morning, feeling your understanding, your love and support, well you are a pure shot of sustaining oxygen to my lungs and I can breath again.
              Thank you,
              I can’t see you but that matters not, ai feel you in my heart!
              I can do this!
              Tempest, CN please forgive any typos, sending this message before it is lost!

              • (((((((Peacekeeper)))))))

                If there is anything I can do, please just ask. You are just an awesome person who deserves so much better than you have been given.

                Tempest has all my contact information.

                I wish for you all the warmth and love your heart can stand 🙂 everyday, all day, all the rest of your days 🙂

              • JeepTess,
                I am speechless, but I will steal Abba’s ( one of my favourite singers), words, ” I believe In Angels”.
                I just read your reply post to me.
                Your words mean the world to me.
                Thank you.
                CL, CN came into my life about a year ago. I cannot believe what a life saver, life pick me upper, you, JT and others in CN have been to me.
                I escape to you frequently during the day, ( and night). 24/7 you are there for me, arms open wide, a heart full of love.
                Thank you JT! More appreciative words fail me.
                I will remember your kindness and knowing you are there for me sustains me.
                Nite nite JT, CN, sleep well.

          • Peacekeeper, I will second what Tempest said. Once you accept that this person is incable of empathy because they do not have a conscience, your emotional attachment starts to disconnect. I now only think of my STBX with disgust and all those memories we shared…are no longer real because he wasn’t real.

            And I understand your situation. I was left 6 months pregnant with 2 other kids for the 23 year old who worked for him. And if you know that he does not like wearing condoms, there is a good chance he will not use them. There is an almost 3 year old girl out there (with different OW) that is the result of my STBX and his aversion to condoms. Suit for paternity testing and a court order for child support all hit while I was pregnant.

            Trust they suck…it is the most healing thing you can do for yourself.

            • GetMeFree,
              (Thank you for reaching out to me).
              You have gone through so much pain and suffering, so much!
              Don’t you sometimes just imagine a heart, a chump’s heart on overload with the weight of such burdens, while imaging the cheater, basking in joyful sex with some OW/OM. How the hell they can ever achieve orgasim is beyond me.
              But then, GetMeFree, we Chumps attach LOVE to sex and orgasims. We love wth all our heart. We meant our vows. We aern’t out trolling for orgasms. We have principles, we have integrity.
              Cheaters, live for the moment and if in that moment their eyes feast on OW/OM will then, let’s just go for tru wuv instant orgasmic happiness. Yea right, sucker face! Trust they suck!

              The best part of your post sweet lady is the S in STBX.
              Strength and CN love and support to you!
              You make my heart soar!

              I look up to you. In my eyes YOU are mighty.
              ((((Many hugs to you and your children)))

              • Peacekeeper, I stayed through dday#1. Very few people knew about it. Most people saw us going through a rocky period but have no idea he cheated on me. My kids didn’t know either. Then dday#2 came and I was done. Done with the marriage, done being the bridge between him and the kids, and done with the secrets. My kids know it all now. And revealing that there had been a dday#1 was one of the hardest things I ever did, but there is freedom in living in honesty. Life is still hard and dealing with him, the divorce, and his parenting time sucks. It often pisses me off and hollows me out inside, but the truth is that I am more at peace in my core.

                Here is what I have learned (took quite a few counselling sessions)…we cannot control anything except our own thoughts. And when I start tunnelling down into thoughts of his “happiness”, I remind myself that it is just a mirage. He is rotten inside and eventually that will bubble up again. May take a decade or more. He may create more children along the way. He may continue to lie and hide income. But somewhere along the way, karma will find him. At the very least, he will have to stand before God at the end of his life and I can’t imagine that will go well.

                I am going to make this life work for myself and my kids. I refuse to not find joy in whatever life I manage to get out of this. And I will never again base my happiness on another human being. No one will ever determine my value except myself and God.

                Peacekeeper, whether you stay in your marriage or not, your value is not based on your husband either. And if you have a close relationship with your daughters, your relationship will survive anything you would decide to reveal or do. Sending good thoughts your way. Be strong for your daughter and I hope you find a way to peace.

              • GetMeFree,
                Your second last paragraph,
                “THIS”, Me, exactly, we are Chump Sisters.
                ?‍❤️‍?

                Funny, sometimes I almost wish there would have been a DDay2 and I fantasize that at that time I would have had the knowledge, wisdom, strength, sensibility, to RUN, take my precious babies with me.
                Also CN, CN are in my fantasy,
                But hey you guys are here now.
                You’ve got my back.
                I can do this.

                GetMeFree,
                Your second last paragraph, words to live by.
                Yes and Thank You!
                ♥️

  • I award my cheating ex-wife the Segregated Sperm Badge for her proud assurance to me that, “I never slept with you and OM on the same day.” Because if our bodily fluids aren’t both inside her at the same time, it’s not wrong??? #urp #petridish

      • Unfortunately Yo Yo knickers DID sleep with me and OM on the same day as me, so alas I can’t award her that badge. YUK!

        • Well, MBE, my ex wife’s track record for honesty was suspect to say the least, so I’m guessing the only-on-different-days brag was pure bullshit. #sloppyseconds

          • He is incapable of getting it up (medical issues) so I must have gotten the emotional sloppy seconds all the time without realizing!
            #whatanasshat

            • Wishin’,

              When you two finally agreed to separate, did you drop a “well, at least I can finally get a good screwing, I’ve been missing that for so long, …” on him? It’s cheap, it’s mean, but it probably would have been really cathartic to dump on him like that.

              Hugs.
              aeronaut

      • IVC–LOL! Makes me feel better that there’s a “medical” term for it. And I though she was just cruel and bat-shit crazy!

    • Oooh, ooh! Mine gets that one too! Told to me as though that level of sensitivity and restraint was a gift I should be damned grateful for.

  • The commitment badge, as in, “I kept my wedding ring on my finger (while I stuck it up her vagina) to show that I was committed to you and not available for a relationship.”

    • Ugh. Dick bags. I’ll give the opposite award. The award for “my wedding band burns my cheating lying flesh off so I take it off in the morning and leave it in my locker at work” badge. ? “I can’t swipe right on whores with this ring restricting my full range of motion” badge.

    • I got an indignat “I took my ring off when I was with her” to prove he never really cheated, like what kind of horrible man do you think I am??? SO entitled.

  • I award the FOO Fighters badge to those who, like my ex, had to cheat because mommy/daddy/grandma/the dog didn’t love them enough.

  • The love badge, i.e. “I told you I loved you, doesn’t that count for anything?” for both Mac and Sue.

  • I give my stbx the “Tricky Dicky Victim Award”. Somehow he has to always be the victim and needs my sympathy. I find out he is trying to date a “friend” from work while I stay home with the baby. After I called her to yelled at her he got upset. I told him only a dumb woman would date him, a married guy. He became very offended and flipped the discussion to his poor self esteem. He wanted me to comfort him and tell him he is attractive/charming enough to seduce her anyway. If I really thought he was awesome then I would understand why she fell for him. Really!?! Who is going to reassure me? Not him. He says I shouldn’t judge him because he was in a “bad place” then.

  • I would like to award “Father of the Year” award to Mr. Justification for texting Schmoopie updates on my labor status when my son was being born and letting her help pick his name.

    He gets extra gold stars for going home from the hospital to “get some sleep” (chat with Schmoopie) and staying home from baby’s first doctor’s appointment to “watch sick toddler” (put toddler in front of tv by herself and chat with Schmoopie).

      • This exactly. I was so stupidly naive. No one could possibly do these things to another human being that they claim to love. Wrong!

        • I was so naive! No more . The line I got was I was lying to her when I told her I loved her to shut her up . Married 14 years
          well now he can shut up and get out I’m done

      • I didn’t know either, until the same thing happened to me. OW and X were planning in great detail how they were going to raise MY children while I was (blissfully ignorant and) pregnant with my second child. Got the bomb dropped on me one week post- delivery, during which he argued “but she’s a great mother. It’s one of the things I love about her.” As if that would make me appreciate her. Yeah right. Every great mom fucks her man-friend in front of her kids while daddy’s at work.
        P.S. to those familiar with my story. Do not despair. 12 years out now and all is well!!!!

        • Hugs just the same. Dragging kids and unknowing wife into this sick fantasy. What horrible, deluded human beings. Glad all is OK now!

        • Ugh. My ex always told me I was a “good” mother, but alas, I later read in his journal that Schmoopie coworker was an EXCELLENT mother.

          • Lyn, same thing here. Mr. Justification told Schmoopie that she was “the best mother he knew”. While I was at home, raising our daughter and pregnant with our son, using my master’s level STEM education to teach my toddler why it rains, how to tell the difference between lichens and moss, how to speak rudimentary French.

            Schmoopie? I saw in the chats that she rarely even mentioned her kids. And at least once, her kid was sick with the flu and she was chatting with Mr. Justification until her sick kid literally crawled out of bed to beg her to come cuddle him.

            Yeah, she’s mom of the effing year.

            • All that talk about the AP being “excellent mothers” is just cheaters trying to get laid. Whore in x’s case was a Horrible mother but he blew smoke up her ass to the contrary. They are going test the motherhood skills 99% of the time anyway. It’s just small talk

            • STBX also hooked up with Schmoopie from work who’s a single mom. He probably got attracted to that ‘motherly affection’ he got from her. Thank God I’m out …he wants a mother, not a partner I don’t have any plans playing that role…

    • Oh, my. Are you me? My ex kept his Schmoopie (my supposed best friend) updated throughout my entire labor. Then, he magically came into the delivery room with the name he wanted to name our daughter – yes, schmoopie named my daughter without me knowing it. This is one secret I will take to the grave so as not to hurt my daughter. Don’t know what badge to give for this except the FUBAR FATHER badge. Also, Schmoopie gets a badge for visiting me in the hospital room and giving me a half-eaten box of ho-ho’s in a gift bag as my labor gift. CREATIVITY BADGE ALL AROUND. (It’s been 10 years since the divorce and this shit still hurts.)

      • My ex named our middle child. Years later when I learned of at least a dozen years of cheating with seven women that I know of, plus numerous encounters, the idea occurred to me that there might be “significance” to the name he chose.

        I flat-out told him my suspicion, and demanded that he never tell me if it’s true, and who he named her for. So I don’t know, and I don’t want to know. It’s a pretty name, and a lot of people have her name, so I don’t want that polluted with a connection to a OW. And I totally agree that the child should never be told the origin of their name, if it’s an affair partner. Serves no good.

        • This leads me to realize the cheater award I’d give him. The Perfect Liar award. He has an uncanny ability to lie so well that I doubted my own senses, even proof that I didn’t tell him I found, but tested him to see what he’d say. Still had to check if I had read it right, he was that convincing!

      • Jesus, we’re like chump twins. Schmoopie was also a close friend, and she was texting me congratulations on my new baby while simultaneously trying to set up a sex weekend with my husband.

        Bitch even asked me if I’d had any stitches “down there”. Yes, she was assessing the state of my vagina immediately after birth while trying to screw my husband. There’s just no bottom to that empty elevator shaft.

  • The Brave Explorer Badge for plowing through boundaries most folks would not dare get near. Like, shitting where you eat, fishing off the company pier, risking a family business for a blow job, coming up with extravagant lies ON THE SPOT for why there are weird hotel receipts, paying cash for hotels while bouncing marriage counselling checks and suffering the embarrassment of a flaccid dick with not just his wife, but his starfish-posed sidekick. Such sacrifice. And soooo exhausting! The bravery for being the only man in history to have to go to such lengths, since this was no typical woman or affair, but a very special connection. Plus, the bittersweet taste of “but I was never going to leave you”. He approached each boundary with a scythe, chopped, cleared and marched to gratification. He left behind a vomiting, confused wife and a pile of kids, none of whom knew when or if he would ever have a meal with them again or come home after work, or “work”.

    I volunteer to nail gun the badge to his forehead.

  • I hereby nominate my Cheater for the:

    Liar Liar Pants on Fire badge.

    Faux Business Trip Planner (with Frequent Fucker Miles Rewards!) badge.

    Denial Ain’t Just a River in Egypt badge.

    • That is awesome ! I’ll take the nail gun for the faux business trip with frequent fucker miles award for my special husband . The kids and I were lucky enough to get selfies sent to us on my phone by the jealous gf. jeakous of wife whose home supposedly reconciling with husband . Who does that shit? I’m like I want you and your emotionally disturbed bitch out of my life ! Sick attracts sick !

  • Some Badges stbx has earned:
    Story telling
    Leave no trace while destroying everything in your path
    Take no responsibility
    Gas lighting
    King of the hill
    Me first
    Make women cry
    Unsafe sex
    Sex without love
    Medicinal drinking
    Look at me

  • Oh! How about the “I am not a doctor, but I can diagnose that my spouse is delusional, crazy, paranoid and unhinged because I’m fucking a therapist” badge. His intuition and reading of my mental state is legendary, but for all the insight, he left me alone with our children every day, because while I’m an appalling psycho wife, I’m a damn good nanny, laundress, chef and housekeeper.

    • Hollow bunny, that too, I think my cheater is in the same troop as yours and of course the dumb narcs are competing!

      • I also would like to add a badge “jackass of all trades, master of none”. Trades include: being a husband, father and good guy (in his opinion of course). He had the audacity to claim he knew more than the psychiatrist who was trying to determine why our teenage son was suicidal… oh, I don’t know: possibly because he showed up drunk when and if he ever came home.

    • Hollow bunny…That is their go to counter attack. Yes. My wife is crazy…I’m leaving the kids with her and saving myself… Because I love my kids and my wife…Who I am leaving .. Because she is crazy. I won’t get her help. I’ll just leave before she asks me more questions about my double life! Who is the crazy one?

      • Mandie 101 – That what I asked – why didn’t he try to get me any help?

        Oh, yeah, they only help themselves. To co workers and prostitutes.

        The “Help yourself, not others ” badge.

  • My ex gets the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” badge of cowardice. This phrase, I have come to learn, only means:

    I am fucking someone else but ( ?? ) hey I still love you. That should be a cherry on this hand scooped shit sundae I made for you. ?

    Fuck you “Sir Turd”. Love that one CL!!!

    • My ex has the “I love you like a family member badge.”

      Must mean that while I’m fucking Whoremelia at lunch, I like coming home to my mommy who has lovingly prepared me a hot meal after working a more stressful job herself (but Hell, if I was mommy, I was better than his own mother!).

      • Yea I never got the ILYBNILWY speech, I got, to my crying, begging question, “Don’t you love me anymore??” I love you like a sister. Yea, you love me like a sister now because you are banging your disgusting married with 4 kids whore. Fuckface

    • I got that same line too and when he got caught again with his truck at her house he told my kids it was my fault he was there and he was renting a cottage on her property really

    • I got that same line too and when he got caught again with his truck at her house he told my kids it was my fault he was there and he was renting a cottage on her property really

  • Some suggested Camp Narcissist activities:

    Web of Lies Macrame.

    Juggling Lessons.

    Pervert Limbo (“How Low Can You Go?”).

  • I’m going to keep mine simple and call it the “Liar” badge. For some reason, that title bothered him more than being called Cheater. I guess cause I could not prove he had sex with the whore, but lying about his actions, that I could prove. Daily.

    Requirements. Lie about these things.
    1. Say you want a divorce when you really want Cake.
    2. Say you were sneaking with a rando off the internet, not someone I know.
    3. Claim your whore is a “really GOOD person.” She can’t help it if she fucks married men.
    4. Claim you are both wonderful parents.
    5. Be the victim. Not your fault.
    6. Ignore that lies of omission are lies just like the blatant ones.
    7. They aren’t “lies”, just Little White Lies. A public service, to keep anyone from getting hurt.

    • Gasp! ? I was also told the OW was such a good person. She is just so wonderful, if I could only understand. Maybe it’s the same woman.

  • I left out the biggest lie. That you are a decent person. Not a lying, cheating, whoremongering loser, just like the rest.

      • Yes, Lady b, all these cheaters have Character that other people should emulate since they have such damn fine morals.

  • Instead of comparing dick sizes they can compare number of times they didn’t get caught.

    And a contest comparing the most callous, selfish thing done during the marriage to accommodate their cheating. I nominate my cheater for getting a vasectomy against my wishes. God Forbid he have to use a condom with his whores!

    Finally, there should be an award for most disgusting thing brought home, like STD’s, OW underwear, or bed bugs, because cheaters bring home all kinds of things, including bed bugs – which I found after extensive surgery and my 1st cycle of chemo.

      • What about pubic lice or crabs ?

        Hmmm…is that why he started shaving off all his pubic hair ? I never dared to ask…

        Nothing says “I’m a grown ass man” like looking like a prepubescent down there.

  • Badges:

    We weren’t getting along.

    I didn’t mess around until after I moved out.

    I’m a great guy.

    Not my fault, Chump is mentally unstable, see I’m a great guy badge.

    • Great guy badge, check. Great guy in light of “crazy” wife, double check. Anything to make their sorry ass look better…

    • Please tell the Fire Chief — pretty sure that’s a violation of code of conduct. Puts at risk the lives of the good people depending on them to be attentive and focused during firefighting.

  • My ex has earned some of the most challenging badges:

    Porn proficiency: graduated from print to video to online and interactive.

    Escort geo-caching: willing to travel to unknown destinations and have sexual encounters in random locations.

    Image management: awarded to ex by his family for his ability to shed his “crazy” and “unreasonable” wife; my family cannot award the badge since I took back my power and assigned the shame back to the cheater where it belongs.

  • Mine gets the badge for “I was tired so I slept at the office”. Of course he earned many of the merit badges listed above.

    • Ha! Mine had to get a hotel room after a graduate student party because he was “too drunk to drive.” But not too drunk to bang a party attendee.

      • Mine after 20 years of insisting on coming home from work at all hours, even when our son was young, suddenly, decided he’d sleep at the airport or get a hotel so he wouldn’t risk disturbing our sleep. Don’t wait for him, he brought his gym clothes and would be going to the gym when he woke up… Conveniently the airport is only a couple miles away from AP’s house.
        What a coincidence.

  • As for games: a shit sandwich eating competition- would they do it if the prize was a whore in a house of mirrors?

  • Here’s an update of a few actual badges:

    Communication by Gaslight (Communication)
    Home Destruction (Home Repairs)
    Cell Phone Photography for Craig’s List (Photography)
    Signs, Signals, and Codes for Cheaters (Signs, Signals and Codes)
    Using Digital Technology for Cheaters (Using Digital Technology_

    • I looked up merit badges on Wikipedia and learned that most are earned at camps or “merit badge weekends.” Perfect for cheaters…

  • Ok, now I’m picturing the Kunty Kibbler bedecked in badges, ribbons and medals like some third world military dictator, standing on a balcony waving to the masses below.

    Where do I start? . . .

    Well, the “Compartmentalization Superpower Badge” for sure

    Then there’s the “Paltering Badge,” for texting a pic of herself sporting a black eye — which she got during a rough sex session with BDSM Guy — to the Carrot Singer, then leading him to believe that I was beating her by using phrases like “He (UXworld) has never hit me before…” (for more on paltering, see https://www.chumplady.com/2017/04/paltering-another-kind-mindfuckery/ )

    But the most creepily amusing one would be the “Pathetic and Unsuccessful Creativity Badge,” for her attempt to explain why she was hiding out in our daughter’s bedroom sexting a Marine stationed in Japan on New Years Eve: “Well, I was creating a Peapod (grocery) order online when I suddenly got a massive panic attack. I have no idea why. I just needed to be alone to work through it, so I went up to E the Elder’s room for a while.”

    • Great ones UX, I can imagine your X and mine standing on a stage, smiling from ear to ear at their cleverness while receiving their “Compartmentalization Superpower” and “Paltering” badges.

      Trust that they suck!

  • Mine gets nominated for the “I’ve been unhappy for a long time despite looking happy on all our family pictures right up to DDay” badge…

    If his unhappiness was indeed so deep and so prolonged, he should consider acting, missing out on winning an Oscar would be so sad.

    • I like this one too!! 2 weeks before meeting the disgusting whore I received a mothers day card “Everything meaningful in my life I have because of you. Thank your this beautiful life and family, I love you from the bottom of my heart”

      When asked how he could say that and all the other love bombing that went on right up until he starting banging slutface, ” I was pretending in cards and texts.” HOLY SHIT MAN! You totally missed your calling, actor not a cop. Cops are supposed to be upstanding citizens who HELP not INJURE the innocent, actors, well, they are actors. Hate that fucker.

      • Same here. Mine gave a tear jerking speech at our son’s wedding about how long we had been married, when he was planning to pitch me out like so much trash just a couple months later.

      • this is terrible. it really hits a nerve. no conscience just calculated and cold it makes me sick. admitting it too like nothing it just kills me. I had a sociopath LEO too… said some similar shit. when I asked why he needed to text and call 3 whores everyday at the time as me… “I only chatted with you during the day to throw you off so you didn’t think they meant anything to me”. I don’t know how you reacted to it when he said these kinds of things to you but I went numb into a paralyzed kind of depression. its evil.

        • X would “joke” to friends that when he was out on business trips he paid for sex with cash, then there’s no evidence.
          Later I’d ask him about what he said, he’d laugh, and say he was only joking, where’s my sense of humor. I thought he was a man of integrity as he often told me he was so I didn’t question him.
          Now I know better, it’s one of many aha! moments.
          He wasn’t “joking,” it was his not so subtle message to the other husbands letting them know he screws around and how he gets away with it by paying cash.
          Devious bastard.

          • ugh Brit this is horrible. I said to Mantits many times that jokes are supposed to be funny. what’s funny about telling our neighbor you want to bury me and my dog in the 6 foot hole you dug in the backyard? yeah haha so so funny. interesting that in a rage a few months later he tells me that I will breathe my last breath at his hands and he will put me 6 feet under the ground. “funny” how the 6 foot hole keeps being mentioned. because these are not jokes… these are comments about what they are doing or what they want to do or going to do. killing your wife isn’t funny. and Brit cheating in cash isn’t funny either. he got away with taunting you feeling superior that he’s cheating and you can’t catch him. He’s simultaneously putting feelers out for other cheaters to join his crew while putting you down and knocking you off balance. I always felt he said things to our “friends” for me to hear and bet on me asking him about it later. That allowed him to scream at me and call me names and label me as no sense of humor, giving a hard time, stupid, childish. the response should be I’m sorry I shouldnt make jokes at your expense or I’m sorry I was a fucking dick I won’t do that again. sorry if I’m rambling I’m just so mad that we married a bunch of heartless motherfuckers.

  • I would give mine the … I make mistakes badge.

    That’s what he called it, a mistake.

    Uh huh.

    • Lol. Yes, the ole Mistake badge. I made a mistake when I put too much flour in chocolate chip cookies once and made a really dry casserole. He made a mistake when he tried to fuck a 21 year old. Sounds equivalent.

  • How about a merit badge for….

    Elusive and Evasive Maneuvers (no, I was at work, I swear)

    STD Test Taking (if you have to do it over and over maybe you get really good at it)

    Un-First Aid (I don’t want to hurt you)

    Teflon Coating (you can’t prove anything, nothing sticks)

  • Mine earned the Fastest Asset Reduction Turnaround (FART) award. 6 weeks after I kicked him out, he located his next wife appliance (no, seriously, he’d never met her before-it was my ICloud account he used). He moved her in, and less than 2 years after, she’s entitled to 1/2 his assets now. Yep, you got it, he left with half, and is now the proud owner of 1/4.

  • Mine earned the Fastest Asset Reduction Turnaround (FART) badge. 6 weeks after I kicked him out, he located his next wife appliance (no, seriously, he’d never met her before-I know because it was my ICloud account he used). He moved her in, and less than 2 years after, she’s entitled to 1/2 his assets now. Yep, you got it, he left with half, and is now the proud owner of 1/4.

  • BEST FiNANCES Badge -FOR SURVING with checking account in read EVERY MONTH & being able to be Mr. DOS EQUIS ? at the same time.
    For 4 years we were in Bankruptcy (just under his name) we were “nickel & diming”.In addition using my credit for everything, A credit card was
    taken under my name & I guess who was the only one using it? Mr. Cheaters Pants No $ for laundry or going out. But there was money for Tinder m, dates, Vegas, Expensives clothes, shoes,FTD flowers (not for me) etc.
    Now I am free of Mr. Cheaters Pants. Thanks to CL, CN & Lawyer. Child support, spouse support & almost all his retirement. Him?! Got another victim. Just wait a few years and see what will happen with Fake Money Man on a suit! New victim should have a good credit score!!

    PS I wish we could post pics and names to rat all of them ?But the internet could crash ?

  • He was sleeping at his friend Bobs house, she called Bob to take her to doctor ..My then H said “I’ll take her”..
    Then proceeded to spend whole day with whore. Breakfast, car wash, grocery shopping then dinner.

    Got Merit badge?? He was just being a GOOD person.. she was just a friend. I tried to believe it.
    How stupid was I? So mad now at myself why I was in denial!!

    His ass is gone now…he’s her problem now – Fuck them both

    • Kathleen, I want to know why Friend of Bob couldn’t have done the very same things that he did that day, with you?

      • QueenMother,

        Exactly! He slept out night before.. said he was too tired to drive home.. so he slept over “Bob’s” house (probably no such person) . I found out days later after in an argument we had ’cause he started to not cone home a lot.

        I was the marriage police..getting sicker & mentally unbalanced with all the stress.

        Yeah..she was Just a Friend my ass. I was in such denial. Terrified of losing my marriage..but even I had my breaking point. She can have him ….
        She probably sleeps with one eye open?

    • That’s hilarious MoB!! I was going to award mine the I Bagged a Cougar badge because she was 17 years his senior. He’s got skills.

  • “Stakeholder Partnership Development” badge, for banging multiple co-authors, colleagues, and associates domestically and abroad, and cultivating new contacts in the hotel lounges of Manila, and the cafes of Spain.

  • The dickless wonder should have a badge “I was homeless for two weeks after SHE tossed my ass out.” Idiot!

    • Good grief, NMSB! “Idiot” is too kind – I’ve got a better name but this isn’t the right thread!

    • THEN, when he was couch surfing, he asked if he could live on the other side of MY house and that we could date! The “I’m so full of myself I shit rainbows” award goes to him!

      • OOOOH! How romantic and thoughtful he was! How did you ever refuse such a smooth line? So, was that award patch shaped like a unicorn or a limp dick?

  • VICTIM BADGE- in his mind he’s the victim. As he’s moving his crap out of the house (never having brought a single box) he says to me “this is really hard. I didn’t expect it to be so difficult” Later to our teen daughter “this divorce isn’t turning out at all like I thought it would”, to me “who is counseling you to be this way? (Hello. My lawyer).You’ve changed (yup, thank you chump nation)” and a million other tragedies and excuses that give him the right (in his own mind) to be the victim in all this. Seriously. He cheated, he cranked up massive debt and now wants to be the victim. How his mind works and spins his crazy. So GRATEFUL to be free. He recently demanded that “we will be the best of friends and share the joys and woes of single parenting for the kids sake. HE will no longer be ignored by me” Nope. That is the silver lining of divorce. I no longer have to deal with you.

    • Chump free, they just don’t think like normal people! Mine was all hurt that I wouldn’t let him help me load all my stuff up to move into a friend’s house. Did he think helping me pack was going to make up for screwing around with his married coworker? Did he think I’d change my mind and think he was a good guy after all? What is wrong with these people? I told him to stay away from me. What I didn’t move myself, I hired a moving company to move.

    • Well, you had two choices:

      1) Bwahahahahaha!

      2) No.

      Actually, a nice combination of both was appropriate. I hope you applied them equally.

      Shouldn’t that be an “Oblivious” patch?

  • “I never slept with her” badge because he really didn’t sleep in the same bed with her. My fault for asking if he slept with her instead of asking if he had sex with her.

      • Sucks for us that they are “defendants” in most of our divorce cases. Mine just got off on a contempt charge because of how he answers. Should have been a slam dunk but he had an answer for everything and played the “innocent” victim. It is unbelievable. And now my faith in the court system to do what is right is sorely shaken.

  • The “we’re just friends” badge. Coupled with “and you know I don’t have a lot of friends” and a small tear in his eye – when I asked “is anything going on – please don’t break my heart ” after I noticed he was texting his assistant from a family vacation in Italy.
    I felt sorry for him – I was getting a bald faced lie and being chumped and didn’t even know it

  • Fortunately for us, Demeritwear has some already made up that fit the bill!

    For spending what should feed the kids on whoring around, the Stripper badge:
    http://www.demeritwear.com/Strippers_p_202.html

    For loving putting it up any hole available, and for being one, the Ass badge:
    http://www.demeritwear.com/Sea-Legs_p_148.html

    For liking them too young and viewing prosecutable porn on the home computer, the Underage Girls Gone Wild badge:
    http://www.demeritwear.com/Flashing_p_106.html

    For having a bizarre and confusing amount of aversion to becoming and staying clean enough to smell like he lives in a civilized home, the I Don’t Shower badge:
    http://www.demeritwear.com/No-Shower_p_54.html

    For chasing anything that vaguely resembles a “hippie chick”, the Yoga Makes Her A Target badge:
    http://www.demeritwear.com/Namaste_p_157.html

    For obvious reasons, the Stupid Oughta Hurt badge:
    http://www.demeritwear.com/SOH_p_135.html

    For dishing out shit for the chump to eat over and over for years, the Shit Sundae badge:
    http://www.demeritwear.com/Sundae_p_45.html

    And, for we chumps, the Mighty badge:
    http://www.demeritwear.com/-You_p_263.html

    🙂

  • Ah, I think Dick has exceeded the requirements for the “What a Mess” Award – yes, after I first got the letter from the slut’s husband, Dick wanly passed the back of his hand across his forehead and said “What a mess”. WTF?

    And let’s not forget the Friendship award – why can’t we still be friends? I can’t understand the requirements for that award because I wouldn’t treat someone I disliked with such shabby treatment.

    Last award to present to him at the Boy Scouting Out Strange buffet would be the Consistency award which is given to the scout who answers the simplest question with “I don’t know” consistently, no matter the question . . . even if it’s “what do you want for dinner?” (yes, that was during the please-let-me-stay-as-your-wife-appliance stage – my face is red with shame).

  • The Mindreader Badge – he was capable of having an entire argument with me but all by himself because he was able to “read my mind”. “You think this, and then you thought that and I know you intend to …..” I swear I didn’t even have to be in the room. It wasn’t just my mind he was reading of course, “your brother-in-law thinks this, and looked at me and thought that” all the while none of us lesser mortals ever moved our lips. Sad thing is, he believed it. Hell if he could have read my mind he would have spontaneously combusted!

    • Attie,
      You write so well.
      Spontaneous combustion to a cheater, instantly,
      Close enough!
      You made me smile,
      Thank you!

      SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION!
      (A DDay pain stress releaser)!
      ???
      NO badge, just pouf and they’re gone!

    • I know what you mean, mine was telling me all this stuff I thought too. Even though he never asked me what I thought about anything!

    • Attie

      I too wished for spontaneous combustion. It never happened. However, if you listen very carefully each time they get a consequence for their actions you’ll hear a BOOM.

      I have heard them often.

      Had to take out a three year loan for his first filing SINGLE. BOOM
      I kept my pension and he has NO retirement. BOOM.
      The whore he knew for a week and moved in with has borderline personality disorder. BOOM.
      He lost his prized BMW. BOOM.
      She makes NO money. BOOM,
      He hates dogs and didn’t want one. She is matted with dog hairs and talks baby talk to the lap dog. BOOM.
      He had to go to haul laundry to do it at a laundromat for three years. BOOM.
      He cries. BOOM
      She gets an ultimatum to get therapy in December (he’s still cheating) as the discard has begun. BOOM.
      Evicted from their apartment last month. BOOM.
      He’s supporting her. BOOM.

      Listen closely. You will hear the fireworks.

  • For him:

    S’Mores Badge of Next

    Winner of the softest marshmallow on a stick competition.

    Runner up for the shallow water diving competition.

    • For her:

      #19 Honorable Mention award for 2014 Fuck Me, Fuck Me in a cheap hotel award.

      Merit Badge for the Pig Roast all you can eat buffet.

      Winner of the Any Pussy Will Do Limited contest.

    • doingme,
      “Runner up for the shallow dive competition”
      No doubt a cheater finished in first place.

      Fellow Chumps, your writing powers wow me,
      you are all cracking me up today,
      Just when I need it.
      You rock!

    • “Winner of the softest marshmallow on a stick competition.”

      DoingMe–you capture the absurdity of the Limited so well! dying with laughter here.

    • Runner up, I love it. The softest marshmallow can’t even win at losing. You have a way with words, Doingme. Laughing so hard.

      • I forgot he signed up for the Dick No Condom Fits Merit Competition at the Campfire wiener roast. Nanthony was one of the judges and personally sized things up or should I say ‘down’. He won the GET TESTED tee shirt.

  • The Lifetime Achievement Award for Lack of Volition in a Starring Role goes to x. Who can forget such memorable lines as:

    “He wanted to suck my dick and wanted me to suck his,” from that racy blockbuster: The Minister Told Me To

    Or that convincing line, “12 years ago you said something really mean to me which I can’t remember anymore but it proves you, Roaring, are the real problem,
    so that’s why I had to spend all the savings on sex” from that original concept film: I’m a Martyr just like Jesus

    And finally, for his role in placing his penis in a wide variety of holes, none of which were attached to names (except his for his sister) but all of which charged money for the experience (except for his sister who, instead just had her life ruined), who can forget his poignant lament: I deserve intimacy.

    • Yah, I was laughing too, until I got to the part about his sister. What has the world come to . . . .

      • x started sexually molesting his six-year-old sister when he was twelve. That continued for eight years. She was in her 30s before she finally found the courage to file a CPS report but the statute of limitations had passed. I discovered this after D-day (and also that his first wife left him when sister filed that report). In the twenty years I was with x, whom I met when my own beloved daughter was six, no one in his family ever mentioned any of this.

        It’s made me a little crazy because I wonder if I’ve made too much of this – I mean, he is a creep, right? It is so weird that his family shared this. I always just thought his sister was a controlling, over-sensitive, passive-aggressive wimp. Now I think she is brave and scared and has low self-esteem and is an abuse victim. But also complicit.

        Needless to say, x’s sex partner of choice is prepubescent.

        • Roaring The depth and breath of their depravity no longer amazes me as I know cheating is just the tip of the iceberg.

          It disgusts me knowing we were with such predators. The limited racked up thousands of dollars on our phone bill accessing porn and blamed it on his son. After the final dday he was explaining how he accidentally landed on a child porn site. Still at that point I was oblivious to just have sick he was throughout our entire relationship.

          Such evil knows no boundaries.

        • OMG…your ex was a certifiable monster! I am so sorry! I didn’t realise he actually abused his sister! ?

  • My ex-wife was an Olympian Cheater and scored many badges.

    The “I was never gonna leave you” Badge. Yup… it was meant as a compliment.

    The Bitch Cookie Badge…. because there were times she didn’t cheat.

    The ” The Fake Book Club Badge on Wednesday Nights”….yup….she was fucking a dude at his place on Wednesday nights.

    The Bathroom Pouty Face Selfie Badge and Vajaija close up Badge.

    The Fighting for Custody but then moves out of State for Fat Guy and leaves the kids behind Badge.

    • Connected to the Bathroom selfie, mine wins the

      Dick Pix found on Camera at my Brother’s wedding Badge. That was a great source of amusement at the table.

  • The Predatory Peadurfile badge. “She’s like a daughter to me!” Swore the cheaterpants who never wanted to have kids when he got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Cheaty was 45 and Like-a-daughter was 25.

    I have had a hard time wrapping my mind around why a pretty 25 year old would want to hook up with a 45 year old who’s at least 100 lbs over weight, has IBS, saws logs in his sleep and looks like a silver back gorilla when he’s nekid (no offense to the silver backs out there. Some of my closest friends are silver backs …). My 25 year old self wouldn’t have touched him with a 10 ft pole. Trying to figure out why my 45 year old self did. Oh right, I got fat & frumpy and thought I didn’t deserve better.

    • Yes I couldn’t understand why a 20 something was interested in a 49 year old unattractive, bald head, hairy backed and good sized guy married man with 2 teenagers. My attorney enlightened me the MD after his name was super attractive. She also let me know that MD wouldn’t be enough to keep this girl roped in for long ???

      • I think you should tell the little girl’s mommy and daddy that a dirty old man has been lurking around. But I’m just a bitch like that.

        • Wow MJB. Think we married the same sicko. My ex 48, babysitter 21 (who he introduced to friends and family as our 3rd daughter). He bald, hairy, sweaty, and with 2 teen daughters. He left our home aug 2015 and my 16yr old went with them and he still lives with this girl and our daughter. I have no words…. still trying to get to meh

          • Thanks for the reminder KAF. I forgot to add bald, sweaty and had a habit of leaving midnight snacks in his beard. Dear Gawd! How much drinking did I do to survive this relationshit????

          • KAF,

            Hang in there and keep comin here. I hope you get to see your daughter all the time. I hope you never have to see him again. He earned the Dirty Old Man award.

    • What I’ve learned is that 20-something young women have no prospects as their peers/ young men are all living in moms basement and playing video games – so the stability/paycheck/and life experience or older men is super appealing.
      And the “i need you” of these fair maidens (or millenial whores as i call them) is apparently irresistible to middle aged men.
      My STBXH’s “romance” started when he was 52 and she was 26!
      I think her mom and sis were excited she found a meal ticket.
      If my 20-something daughter slept with her boss, I would be horrified.

      • Exactly! I would be horrified if my daughter started screwing around with a married man with kids who is 21 years older. Sick bastards. Sick young women.

  • To the golden boy who had never heard the word no in his entire life I award the Best Geriatric Tanturm award.
    He also gets the Scorched Earth award for vengeful acts against the son that outed his affair which includes testifying against said son in his custody trial and colluding with sons xwife during their divorce.
    And the ever popular I’m An Ass award for tracking down my former best friends from high school (I’m 59) after our divorce to sleep with them.

    • Oh my goodness . . . that is some scary shit there.

      Can he get some kind of horror movie award?

  • The I am not fucking my dead brother’s wife badge.

    He maintains he’s not fucking her – just living with her. Hahahahahaha uhuh.

    My favorite badge: I love my son so much that I can’t make time for him once a week.

  • Mine gets the Perseverance Award for maintaining his lies to his last breath.

    He was “in love with” Susan and they “shared rooms” but they never had sex, he insisted on it, over and over for years. I did snark at him a time or 2 that if I had come to him with that wild story he wouldnt believe it. But honestly, the self that he showed me was an odd guy who was just strange enough to possibly do something like that …except that I learned his oddness had everything to do with serial cheating.

    But he gets props for never giving up on his story.

    and since I never got the truth, the Universe wont mind if I just assume the worst.

    I think there needs to be a bonus award for “Craziest story for explaining away a broken kneecap” his story involved biking on a trail and a dog attacking him…which brings me to the

    Most Gullible Wife Ever award

    • What’s wrong with divorcing his odd ass simply for sharing a room with another woman?! That’s enough of a transgression, and he admitted to it.

      • true, but I was spackling and dancing and thinking that he was going to have an epiphany moment and become a better husband. After he died, I learned that his “coming clean” moments were still layered with lies, so obviously there was something to hide.

      • I was in school on mondays (holiday or not) and there was a holiday monday. He called me at school to tell me that he was hurt in a bike accident. He never called me at school…looking WAY back (it was like 2003) he was very precise in the story he told even though that was unusual for him. He claimed a dog chased him down and attacked him and his bike went down and his knee hit a rock and broke. I believed every word…

        He knew he had that whole day scott free to be where ever he wanted…I now think he was fucking some guys wife/girlfriend and got caught and husband/boyfriend took a baseball bat to his kneecap.

        • That’s what I pictured-some angry man chasing after him with a Louvisville Slugger or a cricket bat ! The storylines chumps can share…

  • Back to the basics, here are a couple badges that are pretty common and easy to get for most all cheaters:

    The Gaslight Badge – for manipulating the chump into thinking they are crazy so they get help. Bonus badge if the chump goes on anti-depressants.

    The Stonewall Badge – for mastering the art of shutting down all productive communication with circular logic, hostile personal attacks and meltdown raging exits.

    If I knew how to put pics on here I’d submit a rendering.

  • The ‘take your kid to cheat award’. Mine was using his 14 y.o. daughter to rope in young schmoopie (her assist high school soccer coach).

    Inviting schmoopie to go eat with them after games while I’m taking our son to his stuff. Then using our daughter to text this twenty something coach to meet them at the most expensive restaurant in town to ‘watch the big game’. Brings our daughter home because he had to go to the hospital to see a sick patient, but really is going back to the bar to hang out til 2 am with schmoopie.

        • It’s definitely a cluster. She didn’t realize he was using her for Schmoopie bait. He also planned the ‘dream trip’ for him and our daughter. Then I found out he had also invited this coach. I was befuzzled about it. It didn’t make any sense, a 2 week trip to another country for the 3 of them? We could barely afford it but he’s taking her too? I asked about the room situation and he said schmoopie was staying with the person they were going to visit.

          Once I figured out what was happening, I made him cancel schmoopies flight. He just changed it to another date and she went before him and our daughter. My daughter found out about the whole thing while on the trip and didn’t speak to him for 6 months. She was devastated. He had told her that SHE could be the one to stay with the friend so he and schmoopie coule share a room. Told our daughter that schmoopie thought of him like a dad.

          It is freaking sick. I tried to schedule counseling for our daughter but she refused. I really didn’t want to make her. She’s very strong willed and I think is doing okay.

          Definitely the badge for ‘asswipe dad using daughter as schmoopie bait’.

          This is my second Dday with a different schmoopie. He decided to ‘shit where we eat’ as both our kids get to enjoy this shit sandwich at school. Trust that they suck.

          • My daughter didn’t want to go to therapy to discuss the fact that her dad was having an affair with her babysitter but the lawyers put it in the JPA. My asshole ex then sued me to make her go to reunification therapy with him and the judge agreed with it but made him pay for it or put it on the HSA account if it was excepted (which it was so there went my share of the HSA). When I asked the just at the end of our divorce case if he was to continue to be responsible for payment the judge admonished me for asking and insisted I pay for 50% of the sessions so my daughter can have a relationship with her dad. My daughter hates going to these!!!! X isn’t happy if he’s not controlling everyone! I still can’t believe I have to pay for half (even though with child support I still make less than him so I now have the larger burden of payment)

            • I really don’t get some of the decisions that are made by these judges. It is like being screwed over by the ex only to get screwed over by the legal system on top of it.

              My STBX hardly sees his kids (and he has standard parenting time in the temporary order). And my oldest now doesn’t want to do anything with his dad (he’s 15). I can just see a judge ordering this same kind of thing and getting stuck sharing the bill. Even though he is the one causing the damage to his relationship with the kids.

              • Yes… having a hard time with all males. The asshole judge, my scumbag ex, my ineffectual lawyers who gave me shitty advice. Nowadays I have only women in my corner – great friends, amazing doctors (they’re doing an amazing job with my stage 4 cancer) and other professionals. Sorry to all the nice guy chumps on this site but I don’t know if i’ll ever trust another man

            • So sorry to hear yours is as nasty as mine. Maybe even nastier. Not that it’s a contest! Fuckers. I’m sorry for everything you are going through KAF. I can’t imagine going through this AND having cancer. This should be your time for everyone to focus on you and your needs. But instead he’s off screwing the babysitter. I guess CL is right, they don’t reciprocate. Give all, receive nothing in return.

  • Merit Badge: Diverting Tactics
    Level: Epic
    Area of Expertise: The Shitter

    To earn this badge, one must feign the imminent arrival of a terrible, awful, no-good, very-bad shit when your mistress texts that she’s out of 2nd shift and will meet you outside in 20 minutes. (If you’re longer than 30 minutes, she’s leaving… she has PRIDE, you know.) Proceed to mimic intestinal anguish and blame your wife, as she’s attempting to nurse a colicky newborn on a 90-degree, humid evening, that her dinner *might* be the culprit. CAUTION: Don’t directly say this, as she’ll be mad enough to get out of bed and follow you if she’s *too* mad; just imply it. Say “I’m sure that’s not it but I can’t think what else it could be… you stay here and I’ll get the fan directly on you. I’ll use the downstairs bathroom so I don’t disturb you, in case you two fall asleep before I come back.” This way, Cheater Scout, she will not hear the front door close when you meet your whore. And if she catches you coming back in, you can tell her that you came in from a little walk to “settle things down.”

    Bonus Badge: Conjured Guilt

    If you come back from getting a blowjob in the dugout in the park across the street and your wife feels badly (instead of mad) that her dinner might have caused you this Terrible Shit to the extent you needed a walk afterward to situate your anus, you have earned the Conjured Guilt Badge. If she starts trying to have sex with you, tell her it’s okay… she just made a mistake with dinner somewhere but YOU don’t need sexual favors from her. Fall asleep holding her as she thinks of what a great, understanding husband she has.

    • Sweet goodness. What is SHE thinking?!?! An ass with a wife and newborn and your blowing him in a park across the street. We know he’s disordered but what did she think she was getting from all this? Twu wuv? Stability?

      • She’s stupid.

        At that point, it was our 3rd child. We’d made the conscious effort to have 3 children and I wanted to get it DONE; no dragging it out every few years. (I’m from a big family; I know the dragging-on nature of that option.) I had all three from January 2005 to April 2007. I took care of everything, also cleaned houses before he went to work (to make sure that his income went solidly to rent/utilities and then ALL the rest toward saving the downpayment for our first home the next year) and everyone was sleeping, and was a great housewife-economist/cook/mother. I also loved having sex; he was never able to keep up with me.

        When he’d whine to her about whatever, she actually ended up trying to convince him to move with her out of state, in a MUCH higher COL area… she’d get a different job and he would transfer. He could just leave us all behind.

        LOL! She obviously didn’t understand child support or alimony. He totally knew the sparkle would slide off the turd of himself quickly. He was “trapped,” he said. He couldn’t leave his young children!

        Awwww, schucks… what.a.guy. So loving he’s willing to stay with his horrible, controlling wife.

        • I guess she has to be dimwitted to think she could snag herself a winner. Cause any man with 3 babies and a wife at home willing to sneak out for some cheap thrills is definitely a winner. The kind you want to trust your future with. Yeppers. She caught herself a prize.

  • Mine took up “golfing” a few years ago…while we went to church and some evenings, he went “golfing” – previously had always said golf wasn’t for him. So he gets the “Hole in One” badge – probably many times over. It took me a long time to figure out that he wasn’t golfing.

    • Yea mine took to “going to the gym” EVERY SINGLE NIGHT (not day night) until after 11 or even midnight. Funny that, you never got into any better shape or lost your gut. He gets the “Gym dirty stinking nasty lying RAT” award-sorry to insult any rats in the process

      • Hiking badge (all day hiking)

        Book store badge (all afternoon, daily, when not hiking) strange, when I’d go to the book store he wasn’t there.

  • A few badges I think I could pin (nice and deep) onto my X…

    Self-deception (thought it was okay to patronize prostitutes, let alone while married and becoming a father)

    Lying stamina (5 years — pretty damn good, although I know there are chumps on here whose cheater deserve these more)

    Sad sack fogging (able to generate a reaction of understanding and sympathy from wife, and make her think that perhaps this was something that could be worked out, all while not quite curtailing those bad patterns of behavior or demonstrating true remorse)

    Image management (making this out to be wife’s fault/making wife out to be a horrible person to friends and family based on things she’s said either twisted/reworded or taken out of context; putting up the cool, calm, and collected front to further negate wife’s pain/make her look bad if she is having an understandably rough time with what is happening)

    • ChumpOnIt, image management, same tactics used on me. Made me out to be a lunatic, while he remained, calm, cool, collected and condescending. X was very convincing apparently, he’d exaggerate and tell ridiculous stories that weren’t true, One day I walked into a restaurant, was seated and look over and noticed X seated at another table. I got up and walked towards the door and left without saying a word. X’s version which he told everyone heard is, I walked over to his table and made a huge scene, yelling and calling him names, he was so embarrassed trying to calm me down, I just went more hysterical, X came so close to calling the police on me to have me arrested for harassment.
      Right, and if you’re having rough time watching your world implode, show tears, get even the least bit upset, X’s love it and use these meltdowns as further evidence that you’re unstable.
      Better yet use it as a source of entertainment to make their friends laugh. He’s not only a good guy but so funny..

    • ChumpOnIt, image management, same tactics used on me. Made me out to be a lunatic, while he remained, calm, cool, collected and condescending. X was very convincing apparently, he’d exaggerate and tell ridiculous stories that weren’t true, One day I walked into a restaurant, was seated and look over and noticed X seated at another table. I got up and walked towards the door and left without saying a word. X’s version which he told everyone heard is, I walked over to his table and made a huge scene, yelling and calling him names, he was so embarrassed trying to calm me down, I just went more hysterical, X came so close to calling the police on me to have me arrested for harassment.
      Right, and if you’re having rough time watching your world implode, show tears, get even the least bit upset, X’s love it and use these meltdowns as further evidence that you’re unstable.
      Better yet use it as a source of entertainment to make their friends laugh. X is so funny! so much more fun than the miserable, panicked Chump who by the way needs to get on with her life like Cheater. Look how happy Cheater is…,

  • Skills so strong you could have several careers:

    Defense Attorney

    VP of Marketing

    Secret Agent

    Finances

    Acting

  • My ex has his badge in “Manscaping”. It’s imperative to trim the bush around your 3 inches of non-swinging dick to make it appear larger than it seems.

    He also has the “Dropped Gold to Pick Up Glitter Badge”. He divorced me after 17 years of marriage and was engaged to “Just A Friend” within a year of our divorce.

    Finally, he has a medal in Debt Accrual. They live quite the life – well, the one we had actually – except I out earned them both and we saved and invested many years.

  • Badges

    Handyman badge – for helping everyone else but his own family!
    Rescuer badge- see above
    Creative storyteller – aka liar
    Self preservation badge- throw everyone under the bus and run!

    Games/skills/activities

    Knife skills- how to stab others in the back
    Screen play writing- how to flip the script
    History- how to rewrite it
    Hide and seek- how not to get caught by chump
    Ambush – how to attack if caught
    Yoga- corpse pose and child’s pose for the sad sausage. Warrior pose for the more ballsy cheat.
    Emergency evacuation drill- how to pack for quick exit from marital home if kicked out
    Quiet time and meditation- tips on remaining mute when chump questions you
    Jewelry making- how to decorate turds
    Cooking- how to prepare tasty shit sandwiches

    • Mandie101 – thanks for the Handyman and Rescuer badges!

      Mine was great at fixing things for girlfriends; for the wife, not so much.

      Once, after I made a fix-something request, he actually said to me “your fingers aren’t broken.”

    • What is it with bending over backward to help other people but then nothing for their own family? Is that just about impression management?

      • 75% impression management and 25% slap in the face that we are no longer worth doing things for.

      • I used to ask my ex why he went to so much trouble to buy his staff special gifts but couldn’t be bothered to send his mom a card for her birthday? Always seemed so weird to me. He always wanted a lot of praise for how thoughtful he was too.

  • Gee, after 10 years of dealing with different forms of cheating, it started with excessive porn (according to him, not cheating), progressed to hook-up sites (not cheating, just looking), strip clubs (again, not cheating), sex with strippers (only a date), and finally escorts (aka the nice name for prostitution)… I didn’t even bother to ask for his excuse after that one.

    So my cheater wins…. THE 50 SHADES OF CHEATING BADGE…. or in his mind, the 50 shades of not cheating badge.

  • I’ll give him the classic “It Didn’t Mean Anything” Badge.

    Because when you begin a relationship with an early 20s ex-student of yours when your partner of 17 years is begging you to go to couples counseling to improve communication…it doesn’t mean ANYTHING. Not one single thing. Ok, it may mean you’re a dirtbag, but that’s it!

    I’m also gonna award him the “Utmost Restraint” Badge.

    Because a) he never slept with her (only bought plane tickets and hotel rooms in anticipation) and b) he NEVER talked to her about me or our marriage (except to say it was over, which was news to me cause I was busy buying his parents Christmas presents and making dinner). Such boundaries!

  • “Emotional Affair”badge

    The badge would have a picture of Bill Clinton on it, smoking a cigar. He would have a speech bubble saying ” I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

    To earn thus badge, all you have to do is every sexual act other than actual intercourse. As an alternative, you can earn it by denying doing these things, even in light of concrete actual evidence.

    • Love it!
      My ex has earned this one several times over. Concrete evidence be damned, he never had sex with anyone but me.

      • How about just the Bill Clinton badge? Requirements to earn badge:
        Demonstrate knowledge of oral or anal sex and why they “don’t count” as sex.
        Ability to be indignant in front of spouses, and in large groups of people.
        Parades around with non-sexual partner in public places to humiliate spouse.

  • Hannibal Lecher is duly awarded the:

    Sexual Harassment Badge, for putting the moves on more students than actually received graduate degrees in a decade

    United Nations Badge, for having the most affair partners from different countries

    Stripper Name AP Badge, for having the most affair partners with stripper names (who aren’t actually strippers)

    That Wasn’t an Affair Badge, for weeks of seduction leading up to an extended bout of oral sex and yet still claiming it wasn’t an affair because it was only once and there was “no penetration”

    • That wasn’t an affair badge…after a ONS that hooked up again the next morning, a month of sexting, a 3 day act out all our fantasies fuck fest, and 5 months of titillating emails, “No I would never have seen her again if you hadn’t found out, because THAT would have made it an affair.”

    • And of course the,

      I am Honorable Because I Wouldn’t Leave My Wife and Kids for Any of these Hos Badge

      • Mine gets that Honorable badge, too!

        He also gets the “Equitable Treatment badge” for telling me he was planning to spend 6 months out of a year with family and the other 6 with AP.

        And of course the “Split-whore-soul” badge for being unable to cut the strong emotional cord with AP because their soul split into two bodies.

    • Or, there was penetration (with a paid ‘geisha’) but ‘I didn’t come’. Awarded the most insane, unbelievable comment ever. ‘but I didn’t come’….uh, so, if I really believed that, do you think that makes it okay?

  • My asshole ex gets a few of these merit badges for cheating idiots:

    The I-Had-No-Idea-How-Much-Fun-It-Is-To-Lie-To-My-Wife’s-Face Merit Badge

    The “We’re Just Friends, I swear” Merit Badge

    and the non-apology apology badge of “I’m sorry you got hurt” merit badge. This was said in response to my observation that He. Was. Not. Sorry.

  • Mine could get so many but here are a few…

    The Sorry/Not Sorry Badge (he said the words but was only sorry that he got caught)

    The Fort Knox Badge (had that cell phone and computer locked down like… you know, Fort Knox)

    The “I Think I Am Smarter Than Everyone” Badge (enough said)

  • One more…the “It’s Not You It’s Me” Badge

    for all the various ways and times he told me that I just wasn’t his type “I prefer women in their early 30s…you’ve never met my needs…maybe I was never in love with you…you’re too much of a bull in a China shop…you’ve never been loving enough…” I guess then that full and exciting life we built together over 17 years was a ruse? My bad for misinterpreting.

    I REALLY needed this game today, thanks CL and CN for keeping it real.

  • Camping badge for being a 39 year old man “camping out” at his college freshman (formerly his high school student) schmopie’s dorm room while supposedly taking our son to his home state to visit family over spring break.

  • “Why are you upset with me. I am trying to make this as easy on you as I can”

    Gold star for being less of an asshole than you could be.

  • I hereby bestow upon my XH the Ex-Father Merit Badge, as my husband adopted the children three years ago. You wear it so well.

    • Additional merit badges include:
      The “But she’s such a good mother” Badge

      The “I wanna do what I WANNA DO” Badge

      The OW gets the “Box of Rocks” Badge for her level of brainpower.

  • He awarded himself the “Entitled, Entitlement Award” {E.E.A.} – for being “just all that”. Then knighted himself a Honorary Shining Armor Award…

    He then awarded ho-worker the “Dame Caliber Award” {D.C.A.} – ’cause she was “SUCH a woman of high caliber.” —

    “Lady of Internet Scrubbing” {L.O.I.S.} – ’cause she was such a misunderstood martyr, and also “Our Lady of Pain and Suffering” was taken by the church on the corner. —

    Me? Well, I awarded them both the honor they so greatly deserved… the Scarlett Letter of exposure (really, letters of exposure, because “EEEwwwwww” has multiple letters in it. and the award of each other.

  • I feel kind of bad. I think the Other Woman/ Other Men are being excluded from the fun. They deserve badges too.

    The I Didn’t Do Anything Wrong badge (affair partner edition) . The badge has a picture of Monica Lewinsky, sucking on a cigar.

    Requirements
    1. Say that since you aren’t married, dating married men isn’t wrong ( I honest to God had someone tell me this. SMDH.)
    2. Hold extreme, unwarranted hostility toward chump. Who knows why, just do.
    3. Feel superiority toward frumpy, fat, older/younger chump.
    4. Be a dick tease. Date mm, just don’t fuck them due to your high morals.
    5. Be a gold digger. No need to buy your own lunch, ever.
    6. Start a blog about how your mm “deceived” you, even though he told you he was married, up front. Here’s a hint: that’s a test, to see if you will play along.
    7. Most importantly, be the VICTIM of the affair. You didn’t do anything wrong. No, not you!!

    • Oops, I forgot Monica needs the “I did but have sexual relations with that man” cause sucking Dick’s isn’t sexual.

    • Convince your MM of all of the above so he will tell his wife “she’s a good person who got hurt”.

    • true i feel so bad none of the whores are getting awards ?? I’ll give her the “marital advice award” because whore was nice enough to spend long hours helping BitchTits handle a difficult ungrateful miserable woman. Also “sweetest whore award” for telling my husband to buy me flowers to make me happy. ? I feel all the feels.

  • The Citizenship badge, for using the non-profit’s debit card to stay at hotels while leaving me home with two preschoolers, one with disabilities. One of these times his dog was vomiting every 20 minutes all. night. long.

  • The SURREAL REVEAL Badge.

    First OW (I think it was the first, but who knows) caught him in a lie about his whereabouts so she did some internet research; found out he was married (to me; he had told her we were divorced). A few days later, he’s away on a business trip and I’m at home wearing an apron and cooking my dinner when the doorbell rings – and it’s her.

    She felt so bad about what she was going to tell me, she brought along a box of chocolates to give to me. I’m sitting in my living room, all wife-y looking in my apron, in the chair next to the OW who came to rat on him and comfort me and I have a gift box of chocolates in my lap from the woman who took him to Lover’s Lane to buy different colored c–k rings because he had trouble performing. (You can’t make this stuff up.) I was so stunned, I think my mouth hung open most of the time she was there. She asked me why I didn’t rage or cry, and I told her I was in shock. A surreal reveal!

    • Holy crap that is crazy!!!

      I hope she was honestly trying to come clean with you and not trying to triangulate….

      • Thanks, conniered. That was 4 years ago (hence Hopium4years), and I’m convinced it was definitely over when she found out he was married. The second affair – that I know of anyway – was discovered 4 months ago. Fool me twice, shame on me.

        I know that “first” affair ended because she kept in touch with me for a couple weeks after that, expressing intense anger at my cheater husband because she said she would never date anyone who was married. She kept encouraging me to make his life miserable! His lying pissed her off more than it did me – chumpy me wanted to blame his untreated depression and try to make it work. She said I was too nice. I now know she was right.

        I made him go back on meds, insisted on full transparency, eventually did marriage counseling. No surprise: none of that “fixed” his disordered character.

        • Mine had anxiety I didn’t help him with, yes living a double life will make you anxious.
          Mental health 101 no one can fix you, only you.
          Now he is so depwesssed because it’s sooo hard for him as he has no one. Life’s a breeze for me after you blew up my family, I lost my job and am trying to pay the mortgage, get fucked.. block number.

      • It definitely would have helped take the sting away for me. ?? Great, now I want chocolate. I wonder if my WH’s OW delivers…

    • I have one similar. One of his OW brought her FRIEND in to my WORK (of all places) to tell me it wasn’t her that was the OW it was her “Friend”. Then proceeded to get pissed at me because “I shouldn’t be mad at her anymore because it was her friend, not her”. In the middle of the afternoon AT MY WORK!! I was so freaking mortified that she did this at my work all I could think of was to try and get her out of my office before my boss came around the corner!! And how stupid was her friend to come along for that bullshit?!?! I can laugh about it now because it was so bizarre, but at the time it was just horrifying.

  • “Doing Less With More” badge.

    Despite having a family and friends that loved him very much, he felt the need to fuck his best friend’s fiancé and destroy a family before it was ever created. When that was discovered, he decided to hook up with “what was always missing” a woman from his past that he helped out of being a virgin when he was 16 and she was 14.

    “He could be happy with her anywhere” so he decided to carry on the long distance affair in the bathroom using some type of self diagnosed stomach issue (“I think it is you always thinking I am cheating”). Sexting for hours at a time and becoming very angry when our children asked him if he was every going to come out. “Doesn’t anyone here care about me?”.

    “A Friend to All” badge

    While his wife and children were camping, he decided a beer run without his bottom teeth in was a good idea. While at the gas station, the loneliness overwhelmed him and he needed a friend. Luckily for him, a lovely woman with a wrap sheet much longer than his penis happened to be there and he decided to share his pain with her over a 12 pack of Coors, in his wife’s BMW, down a rural road where his family would often go hiking together. She was lonely too and it was a “higher plan” that they met that night.

    “Driver of the Year” badge

    While finding peace with his knew friend, he grew tired. He just slept until 6:00am in the morning feeling that he could now make it work with his wife. He knew he had to get home so he could prepare for his family’s arrival and be ready to start over with the wife he loved so much. It wasn’t the alcohol and the fact that he was three times over the legal limit that caused him to wreck his wife’s BMW and receive close to 200 stitches. It was being so worried what would happen if he wasn’t home when his wife and children returned because she never believes him and doesn’t trust him.

  • The “I Really Do Not Have Any Balls” badge – because for years, ex-douchebag always told me, ‘If I was cheating on you, I’d have the balls to tell you.” Guess what? YOU DIDN’T.

    • Ah yes, the I-must-be-telling-the-truth-or-I’m-insulting-myself line. Talked with X all the time about behaviors/actions that he seemed to earnestly condemn in front of me, then he turned around and did just that thing that was supposedly so gross or wrong. No balls? No problem.

      • Yep. And worse, I believed him. I figured since his first wife cheated on him (but later, I found out that she said that he had cheated on her, so I don’t know what to believe!), that he would know how awful it felt to be cheated on and he would *never* do it to me. Yeah, I’m a chump all right.

  • My ex gets the ‘Definitely NOT 007’ badge.

    ‘Cause he thought that by cheating out of town for work and deleting his (hundreds) of texts and calls to the Schmoopster from his actual phone, I would never find out.

    Since this was Affair#2, I think it took me about a week from the start of the affair to figure it out, another week to confirm, and a further week to confront. (Affair #1, I figured out well before he even fucked her, but in those days I was a Chump …)

    Fact is, he’s a really poor liar, and of course all those texts were listed on our phone account on-line. Probably good I couldn’t actually see the content, though, as they would likely have made me throw up! Oh, and once I saw all that? I called the number, and Schmoopie helpfully answered with her name! No, sweetie, that wasn’t actually a wrong number …..

    At the time I didn’t realize they were both doing me a huge favour. At Chump Camp, I would be one of the many in the ‘Slow, but does eventually learn’ cabin.

    • KarenE, I’ll definitely join you in that “Slow but eventually does learn” cabin!!

      My cheater made the same mistake as yours when he started Affair #2 (I think?) recently. Since I had insisted on transparency after the first affair, he knew I could look at the texts on his phone so he erased them right away. But the sheer volume of texts to her was shown in the cell account detail online – and the texts were time stamped, so the late night hours of the texting was revealed as well.

      I’m a chump, but he’s stupid to the max.

    • KarenE, mine gets the “Definitely NOT 007 Badge” too!

      “Fact is, he’s a really poor liar, and of course all those texts were listed on our phone account on-line. Probably good I couldn’t actually see the content, though, as they would likely have made me throw up! Oh, and once I saw all that? I called the number, and Schmoopie helpfully answered with her name! No, sweetie, that wasn’t actually a wrong number …..”

      My STBX had already declared he wanted a divorce, denied there was anyone else repeatedly, when I had my actual Dday. After I spent an agonizing night combing through his cell-phone records and used my fucking Database & Spreadsheet Superpowers on it, there were 3 or 4 Schmoopies with hundreds of texts, hours of phone calls for months. So I blocked my phoneID and started “Dialing for Hos” at 4 am. Guess what, they all answered with their names (except one, bitch). WTF? Yep, I was oh so right, and it was awful. I can only thank God I couldn’t see the content either, a blessing really. Some things can’t be unseen. There was a mere glimmer of schadenfreude while I was watched the online cell activity the next morning, live, refreshing every 15 minutes, as the shit-storm I instigated erupted all over him extremely EARLY on a Sunday morning. He was fucking bombarded by his harem!!! hahahahaa, and probably hung-over, hahahaa.

      Hopium4years, yes to this. The NOT007 left one Hell of a paper trail! The time stamping/late night/early morning + when the pattern emerged, when there were NO texts between AP#1 and he, I knew they were together. Then I found the charges at the restaurants they were at, groceries & cigars bought… with a handy little google.map with stars indicating the location. I did that for a bit too long, then SHUT that SHIT down!! I then knew all that I needed to know.

      “But the sheer volume of texts to her was shown in the cell account detail online – and the texts were time stamped, so the late night hours of the texting was revealed as well”
      I’m a chump, but he’s stupid to the max.

  • Yesterday was my first bday alone. The STBX cheater texted me that he was thinking of me. WTF????? He deserves the Boy Scout badge for extra niceness because I don’t want you to get a lawyer (I want mediation).

    • Happy belated, Chumpalicious!

      He was thinking of you on your birthday. Isn’t that sweet? Oh BARF!!

      I hope you get a shark lawyer.

      • Thanks so much. 15 years and poof!! How about a magician badge for best disappearing act!!

  • How about the hypocrisy badge:

    Complain that daughter never comes to dinner with the family but never come yourself because you are too busy in your room texting Schmoopie.

    Complain that the kids spend too much time on screens while you spend 24/7 on your phone

    Complain that depressed daughter sleeps too much but take day long naps yourself, but oh, no “I’m not depressed how dare you suggest such a thing” (just stuck in a lousy marriage)

    Be upset that daughter got a C in physics when you flunked out of grad school physics

    Telling the kids they should help out more around the house after leaving the house to focus on other priorities that don’t benefit the family

    Wanting people to be honest with you after…

    Not wanting your wife to talk about you with other people after lord knows what you have been saying about her to your schmoopies.

    Not feeling loved after not giving it

    Etc. etc.

  • EW, here are your delayed merit badges for a job well done! You’ve attained Eagle Cheater status!

    –1,000-Yard Staring

    –Time-Sensitive Sheet-Changing

    –Being Ambidextrous (aka, Wiping with One Hand and Texting with the Other)

    –Hissy Fitting

    –House of Cards Stacking

    –Remorse Feigning

    –Being a Totally Disingenuous Person to Everyone Dumb Enough to Keep You in Their Lives

    • My ex also earned the 1,000-yard stare badge. Do you think they have silent stare-offs when they fight?

  • Discount Shopping Badge

    -on dday (day after Christmas) I asked if he had given owhore a gift. He said he gave her $30 earrings from JC Penney. I guess that was ok because a cheap gift doesn’t mean you’re fucking, right? Found a receipt after ex’s quick exit off stage left that he spent 4x that at a nicer store.

    Disfunctional Chef of the Year Badge

    – ex was an excellent cook & made out-of-this-world crab cakes on what was to be our last Thanksgiving. Six weeks later during his dday spewing of hate about me he claimed he hated having crab cakes on Thanksgiving. WTF? It was his idea & he came home with the most expensive meat he could buy.

    History Badge

    – first requirement is to rewrite the history of your 24+ marriage. Next requirement is to accuse wife of living in the past because of her BA History/MA Art History degrees all while going back in time yourself to relive youthful fanatasies. Badge is finally earned with the marrage to a woman almost 25 year younger.

    Vasectomies Mean No Condoms Badge

    -demonstrate that you gave ex wife a STD for life

  • I’m giving Deadfool the “Returning Champion” badge, since he was able to nearly replicate with me the scenario in which he cheated on his ex wife, just two years after their divorce.

    – She’d moved from TX to OH to be with him. I came from MN. It’s hard to ask his friends and family much when you’re getting to know each other from 800 miles away!

    – He played the Upstanding Muslim part at the mosque with both of us, serving as treasurer but stealing from his wives at different times!

    – Both affairs were with unsuspecting subordinates at work, where he managed a sales team. How they never found out why his first wife left is beyond me; the woman he hooked up with when I was married to him had worked there closely with him for 14 years!!

    I could go on and on, but this guy is like the Comeback King. I just hope he sustains a dick injury that ends his career soon.

    • My ex did the same thing. He recreated the domestic life and responsibilities with the OW that he blamed for driving him to blow up our marriage. He claimed that fatherhood, responsibilities, and my desire for stable home ownership weren’t values that he shared. He wanted freedom, adventure, and possibility. So what did he do? Knocked up the OW with another baby before our divorce was final, saddled himself with even more responsibility at work and home, and now they’re looking for a cheaper place to move so they can afford to buy a house.

      This all goes to show that they blame their circumstances for their bad behavior, but then they recreate their circumstances and claim that the person was the problem. For example, the OW in my situation was trying to get pregnant with her (now ex) husband, but claimed she didn’t really want kids and that drove her to cheat. So she had a kid with my (now ex) husband, and claimed that actually she DID want kids, just not with her ex. Now she’s recreated her circumstance, and when she cheats on my ex, she’ll claim the pressures of motherhood were too hard and drove her to cheat. Then she’ll hook up with someone with kids and claim that actually it was just my ex that was the problem, not motherhood. And ’round and ’round and ’round they go.

  • The “I tried to quit , but couldn’t” badge to Yertle the Turtle. King of all that he sees.

  • “Kids Are All-right Badge”

    Goal: Ensure offspring aren’t hopelessly damaged by the abandonment during the affair and marital dissolution
    Requirements: Weekend crash course in child psych taught by Affair Partner. Once a week phone calls. Payment of college tuition. An occasional tennis game. General weaning from funds (which now go to affair partner) so they don’t become spoiled.

  • The ex gets the “If it’s any consolation I couldn’t perform” merit badge.

    This after I found out two weeks back from a trip to Italy and Denmark visiting a couple we met while traveling a few years ago, that he’d been having an affair with the wife…for almost two years, shortly after we all met (emailing, texting, Skyping when her husband was out of the house, secret phone). As part of the trip, they went to a cooking course together, pretended to be married, and had sex. Or, as he said, attempted to have sex. The next day he came down with a case of shingles and the two of them had to hurry back to Palermo, where her husband checked him out, as he’s a doctor. Her husband and I then proceeded to baby and take care of his every need for the next two weeks, while she cooked us all meals from the cooking course. It’s a wonder I can even look at a plate of pasta.

    But now that I’m thinking back…another could be the “she lives 4000 miles away and is totally devoted to her husband and will never leave him so what’s your problem?” badge.

    We were divorced last month. Her husband still doesn’t know why the ex and I split. He’s quite a bit older and the ex convinced me not to tell because of his age. Sometimes I wonder if they are all still in contact…just not enough to find out. 🙂

  • “Morality without Church” Badge

    My cheater actively disparaged my practice of Catholicism, and said all organized religions were “bad.” He was frequently telling our children that people don’t need organized religion — morality was a code you lived by and you didn’t need the “stories” from the bible to make the code clear.

    Notably, his church bashing and refusal to go acclerated as his “true love” double life unfolded during these past years.

  • I would give my cheater the “We Didn’t Mean For This To Happen” Badge.
    Yes. Yes, you did asshole. If you didn’t, you would not have let it happen. So just what DID you mean? Lol

    • What they meant to happen is for you to stay blissfully ignorant the whole time, and they keeping their whores, and a fantastic world of cake.

  • To satan I give the life time achievement award of:

    Best Impersonation of a Human Being By A Demon

    …and a second award for:

    Coward

    …for his ability to beat small incapacitated women, apparently completely unaware of his actions…

    and…third, last but not least, award for:

    Ability To Incite Heart Stopping Terror

    …using mere words that usually incite warm, fuzzy feelings…MEOW

    …these awards will probably go unaccepted since, after all, he did nothing (in his mind) to deserve them.

    Awards also for The Amazing Disappearing Susan and Kroger Ho:

    Much Gratitude Award

    …for Taking The Lying Cheating Coward (off my hands 🙂 )

    …thank you hos that I know 🙂 (I’m sure there are many more)

  • Not only does The Worm hold a Merit Badge for “I come home every night…..eventually”, he won the Academy Award for Best DARVO in a Marriage 2016…..?

  • I haven’t looked at all the great entries. Is “liar liar pants on fire-starting” not used yet

  • LadyLiar was a highly motivated Cheat Scout who earned so many badges in one year that I can’t list them all and they would never fit on just one sash, but here are a few:
    1) THEATER for maintaining that blank “what are you talking about” look when I confronted her with evidence of her affair
    2) TRAFFIC SAFETY for being a highly skilled “affair traffic controller” who kept her “friend” and I from crossing paths by selectively telling us about different events
    3) SURVEYING for scanning the available pickins’ at the satellite work locations when she couldn’t identify any new prey at her main office
    4) SPORTS for dramatically increasing the number of practices she had to attend and the number of away games her athletic team suddenly started playing
    5) SKATING for managing not to fall through for months even though she was always on THIN ICE
    6) SIGNS SIGNALS AND CODES for covering who she was with, what she was doing, etc., etc.
    7) SIGNALING for teaching the dog to bark if anyone pulled up in front of the house so she’d know if I came home early and was about to catch her skype-fucking with her “coworker” during a “staff meeting” while she “worked” remotely
    8) SALESMANSHIP for marketing herself as a good investment and convincing me to buy the damaged goods when I was emotionally insecure due to being harassed at my workplace
    9) RAILROADING for guilt-tripping me into paying a disproportionate amount of our bills and overlooking her constant lying about finances because she “didn’t WANT to lie; she just felt uncomfortable talking about money because that’s how she was raised”
    10) PROGRAMMING for being technologically savvy and erasing the browser history (until she forgot one day), locking phone, and changing passwords frequently

  • Chump Nation, I have a question as an Eagle Scout mom. How many of these badges are required to make Eagle? Are all of them Eagle-eligible?

    Which brings me to my first badge: The Spread Eagle badge. Both APs and Cheaters can earn this badge by, ahem, assuming the position. Usually one of the first badges earned on the way to Cheater Eagle.

    Did everyone else’s cheater earn the ILYBINILWY badge? Also, a lower level, easy to earn badge.

    How about the You’d Really Like the AP If You Met Them badge? Uh, no, I wouldn’t. I choose friends that have minimal morals and integrity thankyouverymuch.

    Don’t forget the related I Will Unfriend You on FaceBook badge. Awarded to APs who were once your friend, then started fucking your spouse.

    The I Lost Count badge. Awarded to Cheater #1 after he lost count of how many sluts he had slept with. He earned the special requirement of forgetting because he was too drunk to remember.

    The Selfie badge. Bonus points if the selfie is taken in the familial home or has the faithful spouse and/or children photoshopped out.

    I’m sure I’ll think of more to make sure C#1 and C#2 make their required 21 badges.

    • I got YOUR DEAD TO US in a text (from his phone) I’d say you can add that to the lower level. Not sure what would make them achieve the higher levels unless they suffered a blow to the head and had untreatable amnesia.

      I can just imagine him waking up from a coma with amnesia and someone telling him that NAnthony is his partner. Hahaha, I can hear the screams. NO, NO!

  • My cheater gets the “It’s none of your business” badge for when it came to this chump asking about the affair, and the identity of OW.
    I assured him that since we are MARRIED and I was pregnant at the time he left our toddler and me for Slut McCunty AND gave me a deadly strain of HPV as a result of his indiscretions that it is absolutely my business.
    Asshole.

    • I almost forgot-
      The “put a hold on c-section so he could call his slut to let her know he was about to be a dad again” badge.
      The Dr., His staff of nurses, the anesthesiologist, and I waited for ten minutes while he was on the phone before delivering my baby girl. I didn’t even want him there, but he insisted.
      He told me he had to call his work to let them know he wouldn’t be in.
      But he admitted later he was on the phone with her. I should have caught on when he “went to work” later that day.
      And every subsequent day when he was supposed to be on paternity leave. He literally spent every day of his leave with his slut, while I cared for a toddler and newborn, singlehandedly after having a C-section. In fact, I ended up busting open my incision after picking up my two year old only a few days post delivery.
      Asshole.

      • How horrible, Fedupchump. Any man who is not respectful or solicitous of his wife delivering their child should have medieval-style punishments administered.

      • FedupChump, I’m so sorry you had to go through all that alone, and deal with a crappy cheater on top of everything else. I hope you are with people who can help you and that you’re able to take better care of yourself now. Your cheater is one of the lowest of the low.

        • I needed that validation. Thank you. I know I repeat myself and my situation a lot here on ChumpLady, but every time I do, it serves as a reminder of how awful he truly is.
          I should have walked away when I heard him tell is own mother to “shut the fuck up”.
          Young and stupid. Now I’m middle aged and working on getting us the fuck out of here. Grey rock is hard when cheater lives with us. He works over time with his provocations, trying to invoke a response. Much to his chagrin, I am beyond his little mind fucks.

          • FedupChump, please don’t worry about repeating! For one thing, (sadly) TOO MANY of us are newcomers who haven’t heard your story ever, and for another, even once we have heard it we all know that it’s healing to share and re-share our stories with people who “get it.”

            We are in this together.

          • FedupChump – Keep reminding yourself of how awful he is. The fact that you continue to have to deal with him both because you share kids and because he is still in the home just increases your need to do so.

            I, too had a c-section except I had my mom in the operating room instead of STBX. I told him that I was the one in surgery and wanted my one person to be someone who loved and supported me and he could meet the baby once I got into recovery. He wasn’t even in the hospital when she was born (which was just him trying to say “you are not the boss of me). He is still pissed at me for that decision. They are just entitled assholes who think everything revolves around them.

      • FedupChump — I’m ashamed to be a member of the same gender as that scum you described. Just when I think I’ve read the worst of the worst, along comes another who destroys the word and concept of “a man.” And he sounds just like KK with the constant provocations and desparate attempts at attention, acknowledgement and centrality. Adding you to my list of heroes.

        • Thanks UX. I am always careful to not generalize his behaviors as a “man” because
          A. He isn’t a real man and
          B. There are plenty of shitty women out there who have no problems exploiting the kindness of real men.
          KK sounds like a real mess. I am so sorry she put you through the hell she did. Same here insofar as women (or sorry excuses for our sex) making a bad name for the rest of us.
          It wasn’t necessarily my cheater that ruined my view of humanity, but the fact that there are plenty of bottom feeding scum out there who are more than willing to participate in blowing up a family, and one with teeny tiny children, no less.

  • Just give mine the Jesus Cheater Badge, because God approves his affair and it was part of the God’s plan to meet his soulmate, so God has already forgiven him.

    • Holy shit!

      The Lord says it’s OK to have an affair? Rewriting history is one thing, but rewriting Christian morality is a whole new level of narc.

    • Hey, that sounds like the same brand of Xtianity that the Conquistadors subscribed to: Invade, Rape, Steal, Murder, then go to Mass and be forgiven for your actions so you can go do it again tomorrow. How convenient.

  • I would give mine the “it was easy to lie to you, you trusted me and believed everything I said” badge. He said this to me numerous times after D-day.

    I would also give him the badge for biggest hypocrite. It’s not ok for someone to cheat on his mum but it’s perfectly ok for him to do it to his pregnant wife.

      • Thanks for the validation that he is a POS. I am still finding it hard to understand that people who are supposed to love us and have committed their lives to us can be so cruel and uncaring. I still keep thinking maybe I was a crap wife.

        • You could he the worst wife in the world and it still wouldn’t excuse his actions. People like our cheaters feed off of kind people, such as ourselves. They seek us out. We are trusting, caring, empathetic people whose only fault in this is believing they really were who they presented themselves to be.
          When we stifle them from attaining cake and kibbles, the mask comes off and suddenly we find ourselves in love with a complete stranger: someone we would never choose to spend the rest of our lives with. Even still; because we are good people, it’s hard for us to believe that this is who they really are. We lose ourselves trying to find the person who never really was. Once we come to terms with that truth, we must mourn the death of the partner we thought we knew, and our lives before D-Day.
          It’s a death that keeps on dying but through the heartache, is born a stronger, wiser, us.
          It might take only a month, it most likely will take years but we all get there eventually.
          I have faith in this.
          Again I am so sorry you are dealing with this during a time which should be full of excitement and celebration.
          Here, in CN, we celebrate you, Pregnant Chump.

          • Fedup Chump and Pregnant Chump,
            I follow your posts.
            You both are visions of a younger me.
            I feel your pain. I understand the depth of it.

            But, I also celebrate in your victories, in your strengths.
            I honestly see peace and contentment in your future.
            You hang in there dear loving, sane, present parent!

            CN does love and celebrate you.
            I am sorry the obstacles are real, but so is your courage and your strength, real!
            Where there is life there is hope.I believe this and I believe in you!!❤️❤️

          • FedupChump – excellent post and perfect description of how we allowed ourselves to be blinded. It is hard to accept the fact that we were targeted for qualities that should be strengths and to accept that someone we loved could be so cruel. Thank you for putting it into the right words.

            From another once pregnant chump…

        • Pregnant Chump 🙂

          You are an awesome wife and human being…your husband is a crap husband and human…actually, he can’t be human at all doing what he did to his wife and children.

          Evil bastard loser.

          • The courage here is tremendous. Cheaters who cheat while pregnant put their own child at risk. The Limited cheated with a woman he brought to the hospital when my second child was born. She also showed up at my home after I took my daughter home.

            I found letters about their affair when I became suspicious. They both denied having sex. The letters contradicted their story. I stayed after he proclaimed his love. Six years later I read the obituary for her child. The math told me she was pregnant when she was cheating on her husband and coming to see HIM at the hospital. There is no doubt in my mind it was his child as he NEVER used protection. How I wish there was CL back then. My options without a support system were too overwhelming. My daughter had a heart condition.

            These are the poorest examples of a human being in my mind. They do not change. I applaud this site for the awakening and hope all of you younger gals have in not wasting your lives staying with an abuser.

            • Doingme
              I stand beside you on all you have wisely stated.
              ???

              Here is to strength, love and support to all young struggling Chumps.

              The FORCE is with you.

              If I can spare one Chump one pain, my posts are not in vain!

              (((((Many hugs))))

  • EA HOWORKER EXCUSE merit award,
    Pants on fire LIAR badge,
    Prolonged GASLIGHTING badge
    The DISNEY award for non contribution to dependent offspring living expenses but occasionally to dropping small sparkly mini bribes
    The ENTTLEMENT award just because.
    There’s more but That’s more that enough

  • I would give mine the “Right side of the bed award”
    When I found out he had been f***ing her in our bed, I went totally ballistic. He said “Well, at least I didn’t let her sleep on your side…”

    How, in the name of sweet reason, can their screwed up minds create such utter effluent to spew out of their putrid pie-holes ???

    • Oh, yes. That made it okay? WTF?? I can’t even wrap my head around some (or most) demented things cheaters say. At least WE are on the RIGHT side of not being demented! SMH

  • Mine would get the the first place trophy for “Speaking in a Condescending Tone with the Best Smirk.”

    • Mine did this all the time. I would ask him why he was taking to me like that. He would deny he was and I would eventually give up trying to talk to him. The argument would just go round in circles.

      • I hear ya, pregnant chump. Although I did wipe that smirk right off his face when I filed. 😉

        • Way to go mine was not remotely bothered about me filing. He has schmoopie in the palm of his hand and he just replaced me with her overnight. I trust that they suck and they deserve each other. I deserve to be with someone who shares my values and treats me with respect as we all do.

          • Yes, you do PG. Never doubt your worth, lower your standards, or make your needs small. I did that for 39 years. Wishing for you strength and peace.

          • Yes, you do deserve better PregnantChump, like justBreathe, says, don’t lower your standards, I did that for 25 years, not speaking up, making my needs small or non existent. Trust your intuition.
            You deserve to be respected, loved and valued.
            CN is here for you.
            Trust that he sucks.

      • I swear you married my cheater’s doppleganger. He is the most condescending prick. Once someone told me: “I only saw assholes on TV before I met your husband”. He is the worst on the phone with customer service reps. I would always lock myself in the bedroom and turn up the music just so I couldn’t hear his abusive verbage. (He’d always put them on speaker phone too, so I’d have to hear the painfully awkward exchange. )
        These people THRIVE off the misery of others.

        • Soooo true, FedupChump. And lets not forget their interrupting people because a) they already know what you’re going to say, b) they don’t care to hear what you have to say, or c) what you have to say can’t possibly be as important as what they have to say and their time is more valuable than yours. It’s amazing what you realize once you have the clarity of no contact.

    • X definitely earned his Condescending tone and Smirk badge, everyone is beneath him. Ridicule is one of his favorite tools of defense.

      The all important “Man of Integrity Badge” I was married to Opie from the Andy Griffith Show more like Mr. Limpid.

      “Conversation” with a prostitute on the streets of Waikiki, Hawaii, we only talked”. Badge.
      As anyone can imagine it takes a true man of integrity to earn this particular Badge. “Prostitute noticed X wearing his college t-shirt then kindly told him her friend went to the same college and they chatted. Is it just me but aren’t prostitutes out to make money not waste time with casual nonsense conversation? Also, isn’t there usually distance between men and prostitutes unless there’s a transaction? I’m so proud.

  • Cheater merit badge awards:

    1. Ask my wife to let me use her good credit rating to get a better credit card in her name for my personal debt award

    2. Move into OW’s parent’s basement award

    3. Coach OW’s kids soccer team award

    4. Have OW’s kids call me “Uncle” award

    5. Wear OW’s husband’s outgrown shirts award

    6. Blame my wife for my shitty choices award

  • My cheater deserves a Raspberry Award for Worst POV amateur porn. While he’s certainly prolific at it, his technique is terrible. I think I’m well-acquainted with his oeuvre considering how many of these photos and videos of vaginas-not-mine and his penis I had the treat of watching on his iPhone.

  • Hard Worker Merit Badge- for staying away from home and family because you had to work long hours, when you were really carrying on email, text, and phone conversations with your old college friend, and planning a life together.

    Revisionist