My cheater is a very recent discovery, courtesy of the other woman who so very graciously sent me in the mail, a note and a gazillion pics that she felt I should see, to feel a “taste of what MY last 5 years have been” with her “one true love and vice versa”. Oh, what a happy couple (blech, gag, blech)!
Interestingly, I received my surprise package while he was away in FL because of a family emergency.
Yes, I was the screaming banshee when I called him demanding an explanation! Called him every name in the book, even ones I didn’t even know I knew.
So, here’s the ultimate kicker to me — RADIO SILENCE! Not a word from him about what he has done — no acknowledgement, no accountability, no remorse, no forgiveness — it’s as though it never even happened and there’s nothing to talk about. Ooooohhhhhh, that’s not the way I work! After 25 years of marriage and he has NOTHING to say! The SILENT TREATMENT is a beast of it’s own.
Anyway, since finding this out (about 2 weeks) he returns to our fair city — the silent treatment the entire 2 weeks. When he would text (not very often) it would be about stupid incidental superficial goings on. I guess he figured I had 2 weeks to “cool down” and everything would be as they were. When I said I assume you found a place to stay on your return — he says, he hadn’t had time to think about it! Well, he had to find time to “think about” other arrangements because he wasn’t staying with me!
He shows up to collect some things, I say nothing (2 can play the game) because he owes me the explanation and it’s a waste of my time to keep asking. Again — SILENT TREATMENT!
I know many would say how much easier that would be than him begging for forgiveness, asking to work things out, saying it was only a mistake, etc. — but the PAIN! It really, really, really hurts! 25 years and NOTHING! Needless to say, I’ve done a lot of self-talk reminding myself that only a low life scumbag could be that cowardly and heartless.
It hurts so much to think he has gotten off so very easy — everyone else has done his dirty work for him, he’s free to roam with no one holding him back and without even lifting a finger.
Of course, I hear that he easily talks about this with his brothers but can’t/won’t say a word to me. I can’t help but feel that knife of rejection and hurt dig in further and twist a bit more. I’m sure more head games, but I sure do want him to feel the hurt as a much as me — but oh wait, that’s right he has a heart of stone and is devoid of all feelings! I know I should just think about me and not a second more to the cowardly scumbag; but you know how the mind works. Makes me question why I should be such a nice, kind-hearted, considerate, sensitive, empathetic person if this is what I get! Trampled on and kicked to the curb.
Talk about Public Persona (friendly politician) and Private Persona (indifference)! He ALWAYS looks to the public like the good guy who is so attentive, caring, and interesting.
I am very fortunate to have two extremely bright and responsible adult sons in their early 20s, unfortunately they are his sons too! I shared with them what has happened, because this affects our entire family and now nothing is the same and can’t be what it was before. I told them they have to decide what kind of relationship they want with their father because I can’t tell them what it should be. Told them ultimately it comes down to that their father made a choice and his choice is having consequences. I told them I’ll always be here to answer any questions, I’ll always be honest with them, and that none of this is their fault, nor something they need to fix. Not so unexpected or surprising, he has not yet reached out the boys either.
Many times I sound and feel strong but oh so many times I feel I can’t even pick myself up! I’ve completely bypassed the denial phase and jumped headfirst into anger, confusion, hurt, and rejection! The PAIN is real!
Thanks for listening,
That’s a brutal discard. No wonder you’re in deep pain. The silent treatment is gaslighting — “I don’t see what there is to be upset about” — so he either texts trivialities or doesn’t speak of his FIVE-YEAR double life. It’s not worth mentioning! I fail to understand your hostility.
Hey, if he doesn’t acknowledge it? It never happened. And if he doesn’t gin up any emotion, it’s because you’re so too emotional, shrieking, and carrying on. Who looks like Mr. Clean? Who’s the crazy person?
That’s the abuser modus operandi: DARVO — deny attack, reverse victim offender. You’re the one who must be shunned. You’re the transgressor here. He gets to wear his cloak of imperturbability and you’re insane.
Yeah, I’d scream like a Banshee too.
Look, you don’t need Mr. Mindfuck to confess. He’s a fraud and a terrible, terrible human. His actions and the multimedia report his OW sent are evidence enough. (Do forward that to your lawyer, btw.)
Don’t internalize his contempt or doubt objective reality. He’s been exposed. The mask fell, and the jig is up.
Think about it this way: From his reptilian perspective, the simplest course of action is deny accountability and move on. Why expend the effort of faux contrition? Just pretend it never happened and let the little people clean up the mess.
That’s why YOUR next move is proper legal counsel. He can silent treatment/gaslight you all he wants to. Let him try that shit with legal discovery. It’s not going to fly in front of a judge. Your #1 job is to protect yourself, not untangle his ugly little skein. I’m sure he’ll have a lot to say when the consequences come flying. Just press forward and go no contact.
Your no contact isn’t “two can play the silent treatment game.” No contact is for your sanity. To turn off the mindfuck channel. (If if his is mostly on mute… now… I doubt it will stay that way.)
You do NOT need consensus. Stop expecting it and move straight ahead with legal protections. #TrustThatTheySuck
Now, about that OW.
My cheater is a very recent discovery, courtesy of the other woman who so very graciously sent me in the mail, a note and a gazillion pics that she felt I should see, to feel a “taste of what MY last 5 years have been” with her “one true love and vice versa”.
The one true love who never introduces you to anyone. Does Kay Jewelers make a heart-shaped pendant for that?
The one true love who stayed married to his wife appliance and fronted a life of respectability. The one true love who didn’t ask for a divorce for his One Twu Wuv, but instead had to be smoked out of his weasel hole. Forced into acknowledgment of his One Twu Wuv.
Gotta love a shotgun wedding. When’s the divorce going to be final?
J, she’s not winning a prize. Step out of the fucktangle and let them have each other. A guy who is capable of a five-year double life is not a guy who has One Twu Wuv. (Unless you’re including his dick, we are not.) She’s probably not the first, or the last, but she’s probably preferable to paying by the hour.
And remember, monies spent on an affair are monies you can ask for back in a divorce as “theft of marital resources.”
So nice of her to send the evidence.
Good luck, J. Better days ahead.