Dear Chump Lady,
It’s nearly one year to the day since ex walked out on me and our two kids into the arms of the OW. (Although it took five days before I discovered their ugly affair through our cell phone records). He sent the following to me about a month ago.
I just had to share this very rare glimpse into the mind of a flaming narcissist. How I spent 22 years married to this man I’ll never know. He was so good at convincing me of my flaws that I still struggle to see any worth in myself.
Been up all night thinking. Trying to say something to you for a while and nothing sounds right. So I am just going to write whatever. I didn’t really mean to screw up your life. I’m so sorry for everything that I did and said to you. I don’t know who I am, but I do know I have two amazing kids and I love them. I LOVE them unconditionally and it is because of you. Please give them a better life than I was able to. At best I was a good provider. Not much else. I’ll continue to provide the best I can. I’ve never been good at expressing myself. You know that. I don’t know if what I am saying will help your anger but it doesn’t matter I guess. I honestly don’t know what dream I am chasing. What i have become. I don’t think I can ever make you whole or come close to repairing anything anymore. I’ve made my choices and I live with the consequences. Sorry just isn’t enough and the things you seek, decency, peace, understanding may never come. It’s not that I am a bad person. I’m flawed and I hurt you deeply. So deep you will always have the scar. My actions have defined me in so many ways. You will never understand and I can’t explain. Please listen to the song nothingman by Pearl Jam. It does a better job explaining where I am. I’m sorry I was a terrible husband. A horrible father. A shitty friend. A terrible ugly person. This is probably the best you will get from me as an apology. I’m not trying to stir up trouble with you. I just needed to say something and I’m not looking for a response. I’m a broken empty person searching for meaning and happiness before I die. I want to be different and be something else but I’m a nothingman.
Can you UBT?
Dumped Chump
****
Dear DC,
Wow. Is anything more narcissistic than bragging about your humility? You just gotta love sad sausage self-flaggelation. Woe! No one feels worse about all this than ME, so don’t even TRY. Have you stopped trying? Great.
Geez, the manipulation channel is firmly set to self-pity with this one. It tends to work on chumps, with their achilles kindness. All the cheater has to do is bleat on about their shittiness, and the chump is there handing them tissues. Gosh, no! You aren’t a terrible, ugly person! You have worth! And a pretty smile! Here’s a fistful of kibbles!
Annnnd we’re right back to cheater centrality again. Which is where all the kibbles belong.
Anyway, I have awoken the UBT from its autumn nap. Here you go.
Been up all night thinking.
Sat on the toilet and composed this in five minutes.
Trying to say something to you for a while and nothing sounds right.
I can’t polish “I ran out on my wife and two kids for a fuckbuddy.” So I thought instead, I would demonstrate my apologies by telling you I’m Not a Bad Person.
#yourewelcome
So I am just going to write whatever.
Like those proverbial monkeys trapped in rooms with typewriters, consider this your opus.
I didn’t really mean to screw up your life.
I wasn’t really considering you at all.
It’s like at one of those keg parties, where after a few too many, I barf on your sofa. OMG, who put that sofa there?! Barf happens.
I’m so sorry for everything that I did and said to you.
Everything should just cover it, right? Lacking in specificity shows I care.
I don’t know who I am,
Have you seen me? Maybe we should put out an Amber Alert? Or flashing highway signs? MISSING: MIDDLE-AGED FUCKWIT, SOUL PATCH, GUT, INAPPROPRIATELY AGED GIRLFRIEND.
but I do know I have two amazing kids and I love them.
Because the State reminds me to every month. I’ve got a coupon book and everything.
I LOVE them unconditionally and it is because of you.
“Unconditional love” is walking out on their mother. That was because of you.
Please give them a better life than I was able to.
Please do all the adult-ing. I don’t adult well.
At best I was a good provider. Not much else.
I use all my coupons!
I’ll continue to provide the best I can.
Or the State will take my driver’s license.
I’ve never been good at expressing myself. You know that. I don’t know if what I am saying will help your anger but it doesn’t matter I guess.
I don’t know why I use word things. I go “WORD, Word, WORD, blah, blah…” and you Angry Monster.
I try help. WORD! I make sad monkey face. WORD! wordwordword.
Why you angry? Not matter I guess.
I honestly don’t know what dream I am chasing. What i have become. I don’t think I can ever make you whole or come close to repairing anything anymore.
I gave this some thought, while on the toilet, and decided there’s no point in trying to repair anything, because…. effort.
I’ve made my choices and I live with the consequences. Sorry just isn’t enough and the things you seek, decency, peace, understanding may never come.
Who knows the ways of Decency? It’s like the Great Pumpkin. Wait in your frozen fields of gourds for my return!
It’s not that I am a bad person. I’m flawed and I hurt you deeply. So deep you will always have the scar.
Please wear my scar! Some men give brooches, I give scars! I’m not a bad person, I’m just flawed at gift giving.
#kibbles #yourpainexcitesme
My actions have defined me in so many ways. You will never understand and I can’t explain. Please listen to the song nothingman by Pearl Jam.
You are weak and can never understand the pathos of a 90s Seattle grunge band.
Please listen to the deep lyrics of And he who forgets…will be destined to remember…oh…oh…oh…Nothingman…
It’s DESTINY. #Icantexplain #needsmorecowbell
It does a better job explaining where I am. I’m sorry I was a terrible husband. A horrible father. A shitty friend. A terrible ugly person.
Feel free to stop me at any time…. Loser. Half-wit. Couldn’t get it up with a hydraulic crane…
Um, really jump in! Scoundrel! Idiot! As much fortitude as a toupee in a wind tunnel…
This is probably the best you will get from me as an apology.
Takeaways: I’m not bad, I forget who I am, I exult in your scars. #thebestyouget
I’m not trying to stir up trouble with you. I just needed to say something and I’m not looking for a response.
Like those schizophrenics shouting about the radio transmissions in their dental fillings. I needed to say something.
I’m a broken empty person searching for meaning and happiness before I die. I want to be different and be something else but I’m a nothingman.
Do you have a scar? I MAY DIE UNHAPPY!
#nothingman
***
This one ran before. The UBT is in a turkey coma.
“I exult in your scars” might be the fuckwit manifesto.
‘I’m so special’ would be a more appropriate song.
The narc is strong with this one🤦
OMG what is it with FW’s, AP’s and the effing songs???? AP sends songs to my STBX as some kind of moronic not so secret code. I swear – if I hear Blake Shelton sing “I’ll be your honeybeeeeeeeeee” one more time my head will explode.
Ha the ‘pet name’ for the OW in my scenario was ‘Honey Bee’. It’s put me off bees for life, which is a bad thing. Now he and my daughter call her Bee Bee. I call her the Poison Wasp.
If it helps any, male honey bees (drones) die during mating because they literally explode. The ones who don’t mate get kicked out of the hive to starve to death in winter. A good way to imagine your particular FW!
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drone_(bee)
At the beginning of the affair, slut butt sent my husband the link to Cheap Trick’s (so appropriate) ” If You Want My Love” on You Tube. I could see in his Google history that he watched it at least 20 times.
This bagged word salad is all sorts of lurking typhoid. Mr Thinks He is Something Special has concocted this whole letter to project The Sadz in some sort of Timid Forest Creature bid but lurking within are red flags aplenty. Exhibit A: the sadistic enjoyment of DC’s pain and scar. Exhibit B: “I don’t know who I am”… My Ex Cheater husband cried (sobbed!) “I don’t know who I am!!” on several occasions during the Hopium Daze and PickMeDance phase. As if this mystery wrapped in an enigma and posed as a riddle explained his cheating with an overseas based affair partner.
It might however be the mantra of the Borderline Man / Passive Aggressive Covert Narcissist. Beware DC: Your Sad Sausage is just like mine! Don’t fall for it.
Most of all I feel like this could almost be read as a hoover. He might be grooming DC to be Plan B, C or D in case it (fantasy Schmoopie) implodes…I hope DC cuts through the FOG (fear / obligation / guilt) this drivel is supposed to achieve.
The last word belongs to the songwriter himself:
“Nothingman” is about a troubled relationship. I wrote it before I was married. I might bring something I know from the relationship to “Nothingman,” but I’m thinking about someone else going through it, someone who fucked up. I didn’t fuck up. The idea is about if you love someone and they love you, don’t fuck up… ’cause you are left with less than nothing” ~ Eddie Vedder
I read that as Nottingham. Lol
I totally fell for the “I don’t know who I am anymore” tripe. Let him move back into the house because he seemed truly sorry and confused and trying to figure himself out. Big mistake!! He kept up appearances for maybe a week. If other chumps are currently in limbo and have a cheater promising they’ll change, they can prove it while living elsewhere, not while enjoying the creature comforts of the marital home.
Agree. Do not let them back! I did, and FW was online dating within a week and back with Schmoopie within a month. Second time he wanted back, I had wised up and said no and waited for him to actions behind his words, and sure enough, it became clear within a couple of weeks that he didn’t want back with me, he just wanted a really nice house to live in.
I made the ghastly error of sitting through a horrible 2 hour explanation of all of my faults which was started with “Im leaving you because you are a terrible wife…” and at the end of this abuse, he said “Can I stay until _____?” Dear God, what I should have done is said “if Im THAT horrible, you should clearly leave tonight” but I let him stay and launched into a Pick Me Dance for the Ages.
They will be back to being disgusting once they are let in the house. While we are walking on eggshells and given false hopes, they ruthlessly continue to text to their low-quality and no-integrity accomplices with emojis when sitting right next to us.
No one that shows such disrespect to me is getting near my house again!
Love “bagged word salad”.
Funny how he didn’t save his Sadz for his therapist or for his OW. No, he sends it to his ex with the pretense that he doesn’t want a response. Of course he does!
Chumps fish for remorse, cheaters for forgiveness. The forgiveness is given hastily and in all earnestness, because we want the person we live to be forgivable and we want to stop our lives from imploding. The remorse is self-serving and phony, of the GNR variety. Rinse and repeat. I think it’s one of the dark forces that keeps us stuck in that abusive dynamic. I so wanted to “keep the door open.”
My ex-h loved Pearl Jam and refused to listen to anything but the PJ channel while driving. We never even went on a family vacation but he had $ for PJ concerts including an out of state 2fer that was front row! Whenever PJ comes on the radio, I immediately change the station.
My ex FW could’ve written this.
Mine too👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻
Yeah, mine too. I went straight to the freezer for ice cream while reading this letter. I didn’t even realize what I was doing. It all feels so surreal distant now, so it’s odd when something hits a nerve and brings me back.
Not mine, this was way nicer than anything he could have come up with.
This lays bare the Cheater Narc Fuckwit dream: that the Chump is so devastated by their loss, so broken and scared they can never be made whole. 🙄 DC is moving on with her life and he just can’t stand it so he has to try to drag her down with a fake apology/explanation that is really just a gloat about her perceived suffering at the loss of him. It’s ALL about centrality with them. That is why NC is such a effective weapon against them. Narcs hate it when they are denied center stage in your life.
As always Tracy, your hashtags are snort/laugh funny. #morecowbell FTW! Happy Thanksgiving to you, Mr. CL and all of Chump Nation.
You nailed it Beth! The cheater dream is to leave the trail behind him strewn with devastated chumps and chump children, who, having been now restored to “controlled status” by Cheater’s ambush and power move in cheating, will give the Cheater everlasting centrality. By giving all the attention, resources and affection to an unknown third party’s) it sends the clear message to the family that no one was good enough or worthy of the Cheater. They will (in the Cheater’s twisted mind) forever be PickMeDancing in an eternal quest that only the Cheater knows is doomed.
The downside is that when the chump finally accepts the FW status is true / real, puts down the Hopium pipe and moves on, the FW’s next go-to move is to say to the world at large: “See! Chump never loved me properly! That’s why I was unhappy. That is why I cheated…”
Edit: Chump is neutral, not just “him”. In this context I mean could be a partner of any gender. Just clarifying!
Pretty much all I got from my ex was “I botched up.” I had asked for a separation, and he made it long-distance. He also told me that I’d never make it without him and that I was incapable of making good decisions. He then burned every bridge on the way out during the divorce, trying to show me who was the boss. Thankfully, his attorney figured out who was who in the mess. My attorney was the perfect match for his, and the two of them got it done without a trial.
However, my ex still thinks he’s entitled to a relationship with our adult children and sends them blaming cards with checks. He views himself as the father in the Biblical story of the prodigal son, waiting for his prodigal children to return to him, the wonderful soul that he is. From what they’ve said, he never apologized to them for taking off while they were in college and has never owned up to them at all. So they remain no contact and cash the checks.
No more center stage, indeed.
They want the chump to suffer. A chump who is not able to forget their “awesomeness” gives them such sadistic pleasure.
Like many of you, I heard: “ I love you more than anything, can’t live without you”, “we can’t be separated” kind of lies so that he could continue to control the narrative.
They thrive in chump’s pain.
He even told me that his biggest fear in this world was seeing me happy with another man (while he was keeping himself busy with his disgusting affair)
I really hope that his biggest fear becomes reality.
Wow! What struck me most was when CL said, “All the cheater has to do is bleat on about their shittiness, and the chump is there handing them tissues. Gosh, no! You aren’t a terrible, ugly person! You have worth! And a pretty smile! Here’s a fistful of kibbles!”.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Sorry, things just clicked with me about my FW. His “depression” over the last year because of what he’s done. Yet I still defend him to himself. WTF! That habit needs to die.
Happy Thanksgiving CN! Enjoy time with loved ones. 😊
BTAW — the Kunty Kibbler once said, “Well, I guess I’ve become what I always said I’d never be. A cheater. I’m a cheater.”
She stood there, looking straight at me, waiting — for the kind words, the offers to help, the pats on the head. Exactly what she’d come to expect from me.
And when she didn’t get it, the switch flipped and she turned back to rage. The Sad Sausage hat never fit her very well.
Yeah. Same. x said (and I’m paraphrasing), “Do you think I’m white trash? Do I not deserve to live?”
Of course he wanted me to prop him up as I’d done for decades, to tell him that he is, in fact, a good person.
Because I worried he might actually be suicidal, I wrote a curt response: “You deserve to live.”
He wrote back. “What about white trash? Do you think I’m white trash?” I didn’t respond.
I got the same thing-no keep getting. “I’ve become what I never thought I could or would. How did I get here”. Cue the tiny violins. Have to constantly remind him I’m on the receiving end of his decisions and he’s not the only one suffering. He is just a “poor narcissist” after all and needs to be pitied.
I got: “I’m not the person you thought I was. I’m not the person that I thought I was. I’m so sorry.”
Nice words (and I’m a sucker for this stuff), but then he tried to screw me in the divorce. Umm. Judge them by their actions.
Friday challenge idea! How did we take the bait and placate FWs?
FW-I’m so vile and disgusting. I don’t know who I am anymore and see no way that things can get better
Me-no you’re not! You’ve done some awful things but you are a good person. Be the person I know and things will get better. Blah blah blah
Easy. I would say in response, “I didn’t say that.”. This was a way to have a response that is a non-response to the passive aggressive statement.
Everything else was, “I agree to nothing without legal representation. “. FW is in sales. Always trying to get you to YES.
I did that on the first D-day. Not ever again though because after that he was boo hoo I’m a sex addict. I said nothing. Stopped loving him. Couldn’t placate a FW who cheated on his pregnant spouse. He’s refuse. I couldn’t lie and say a kind word. Could never bring myself to ever again tell him he’s good deep down. He isn’t.
It took me decades to see this behavior for the manipulation it is. Cheaters have their different flavors, maybe it’s depression or adhd, sex addiction or real addictions, or just plain putting themselves down constantly so you will lift them up.
It was mine’s go-to. If I caught in him a lie or dared to be hurt by his actions I always got “You don’t think I feel bad enough already, you’ve got to throw it in my face! I get it, you hate me, I hate me, I’m a piece of shit” often accompanied by running away, breaking things in anguish, or self harm.
I can see now that he was starting a manufactured crisis so I would jump to and try to calm him down and cheerlead him. I’m not ashamed to admit in my younger years it worked like a charm. I would freak out and talk him down and offer to make him his favorite food and often even sleep with him 🤦♀️. I also would be on eggshells – scared and wary of upsetting him again.
Now I can see it’s just plain crazy that he would say or do something hurtful, but I would be the one modifying my behavior and feeling like I caused everything. But man did it take decades, and a few hundred chumplady posts to see it.
Oh man, your comment made me remember some of the things my ex used to say!! I got so accustomed to forgiving the BS. I knew things were messed up . I mean how many lies and lies by omission and down right delete can one ignore? He would say I don’t deserve you and then go on with excuses to excuse the rotten behavior and cheating. I stupidly gave him a second chance and he cheated again. I’m five years divorced .
I got the “Stop treating me like a monster” outburst totally disconnected to whatever was going on at the time – “Did you get the milk?” “Stop treating me like a monster” “Can you put that bag of rubbish out” “Stop…Monster etc….” “Could you not have a secret double life and stop siphoning money off” “Monster…”
Good way to get out of taking responsibility for anything.
The other one I was perplexed by at the time but realised later was a nice bit of DARVO to throw me of the scent that he was a big ol greedy guts was being compared to Joe “Lifters and Leaners” Hockey, the then Treasurer of Australia who was a well known corporate cocksucker who smoked cigars and implied poor people were lazy and had it coming to them. I think I was making soup at the time and suddenly there I was being accused of being the biggest villain in Australian political history.
BTAW, here’s a test (assuming you are not NC with him): Next time he starts in with the woe-is-me routine, instead of talking him out of it, agree with him. Not in a nasty way, mind. Just affirming his words. Watch how quick the Sad Sausage channel changes.
I’ve gotten to the point where I am silent. He doesn’t like that either. Problem is his “depression” is making my boys worry about poor dad and why is he so sad. It’s in “” because I’m pretty sure he’s not all mopey when not around us. Really don’t get why FWs won’t effing leave! Getting everything together for lawyer and cannot grasp why he hasn’t just driven off. I’m not good at playing Sally Sunshine
This is UBT Gold! The fake “helplessness” of the FW: “I don’t know who I am” “I honestly don’t know what dream I am chasing”. Funny how the rest of us functioning in the world have agency, intent and the ability to communicate clearly. But the poor sad FWs of the world don’t know who they are, where they are going, what they are doing, or how to say it. (In the aftermath I told my ex that I didn’t recognize him and that he seemed like a different person. And he said he didn’t feel like himself or recognize himself. Oh of course, the real FW wouldn’t cheat, lie, or act so cruelly indifferent. He was simply possessed by an other entity at the time 🙂 blame diverted)
I love that you phrased it as “fake helplessness”! Perfect. My FW’s go-to is always “I didn’t know what I was doing”. Um…yeah you did. Every time you cheated was a choice, and you were cognizant of said choices. It’s not like someone beat you over the head, dragged you into the strip clubs and forced you to get lap dances and blow jobs over fifty times. You knew exactly what you were doing. Every. Damn. Time. Not helpless at all.
Like most things cheaters say, this is such a self-own. So… you are saying you are so stupid, that you have no idea what you are doing or who you are? Tell them to try at excuse at work when they miss a project deadline and see how quickly they are fired.
I’ve been reading a lot about weaponized incompetence lately and I think this falls under that category. As I said below, if they seem functional in most of their life, then all of their confusion in their relationship is at least partly an act.
Klootzak liked to claim that he didn’t realize when women were flirting with him. Completely oblivious! 🙄 He is an embarrassment. We would be invited to social events and he was a horn dog around any women (unless their husbands were there). He acted like a single guy on the prowl. But oh he was oblivious was his defense! Poor him! 🎻
Limbo Chumpian, I got the same example. He is functional in most his life, makes challenging work decisions as he is at the top of his career but when it comes to his double life he pretends to be super confused and acts like a 5 year old. He claims he doesn’t know why.
I told him there is nothing mysterious about his pretentious confusion. It is simply because it is how he wants to live; a sweet double life.
I kicked him out for good so no more of that double life for him.
The ex was solid gold in the fake helplessness and future faking category but competent to do anything he wished and planned ahead to get everything exactly that he wished for. If his wishes didn’t materialize, someone else was and probably still gets the blame.
I have a much dumber, lower-tech UBT that inserts “muh dick” in place of certain pronouns and replaces various verbs, emotional terms and band names. Male chumps feel free to insert “muh hoohah” or any variation.
“Been up all night thinking about muh dick. Trying to say something to you for a while and nothing sounds right. So I am just going to write whatever about muh dick. Muh dick didn’t really mean to screw up your life. Muh dick is so sorry for everything that it did and said to you. Muh dick don’t know who it is, but I do know I have two amazing kids and I love them. I LOVE them unconditionally and it is because of muh dick. Please give them a better life than muh dick was able to. At best muh dick was a good provider. Not much else. Muh dick will continue to provide the best it can. Muh dick has never been good at expressing itself. You know that. I don’t know if what I am saying will help muh dick but it doesn’t matter I guess. I honestly don’t know what dream muh dick is chasing. What muh dick has become. I don’t think muh dick can ever make you whole or come close to repairing anything anymore. Muh dick has made choices and I live with the consequences. Sorry just isn’t enough and the things muh dick seeks, decency, peace, understanding may never come. It’s not that muh dick is bad. Muh dick is flawed and hurt you deeply. So deep you will always have the scar. Muh dick has defined me in so many ways. You will never understand and muh dick can’t explain. Please listen to the song nothingdick by Dick Jam. It does a better job explaining muh dick. I’m sorry muh dick was a terrible husband. A horrible father. A shitty friend. A terrible ugly dick. This is probably the best you will get from muh dick as an apology. Muh dick is not trying to stir up trouble with you. Muh dick just needed to say something and its not looking for a response. Muh dick is broken empty searching for meaning and happiness before it dies. Muh dick wants to be different and be something else but it’s nothingdick.”
Oh Hell of a Chump! That was crude and meaty and wonderful! We all need the equivalent of a Seen on TV UBT. Thanks for the gift!
I think I got the bootleg, made-in-Belarus UBT. All the parts are plastic and if you charge it in your computer’s USB port, it heats up and hacks all your banking and crypto data. 😁
Please listen to the song nothingdick by Dick Jam.
🤣😂🤣
HAHAHAH this was closer to the truth than anything the cheater wrote! 😀
HOAC, hilarious stuff! Lol! 😂🤣😂
Hell….😆😂
LOL!!!! OMG this was exactly what I needed this morning! Thank you for this. I’m going to use it now in my own FW’s pathetic ramblings about just how sorry he always is.
I had a skein untangling revelation earlier this week that every single time he was angry with me, every single complaint about our marriage revolved around his dick. It made me feel so much better to realize in decades of marriage, he didn’t have another single thing to complain about. I made the money. I took care of the finances. I did the parenting. I did all the planning and organizing.
…and he lived in anguish because his dick had a sadz. So sadz because I was a big meanie that wasn’t up for it everyday after working multiple jobs to keep us afloat while he “figured out” what he wanted to do with his life.
Spoiler alert, what he wants to do with his life is use his dick. “Muh dick is broken empty searching for meaning and happiness before it dies” could be his dating profile tagline.
FWs think their genitals should get the same rapt attention as a newborn baby in the family. So shouldn’t chumps send out holiday family photos with everyone gazing adoringly at FWs’ junk dressed up in tiny pink or blue bonnets and swaddling clothes?
🤣 👏 HOAC
Hilarious! Your cheap ass Belarusian UBT is a perfect substitute when the OG UBT is running on fumes. Thanks for the laugh.
“As much fortitude as a toupee in a wind tunnel…”
🤣🤣🤣 CL gold!
#needsmorecowbell 🤣
So similar to the sniveling drivel my FW sent me, while he liquidated one of our retirement funds to feather his nest with massage girl schmoopie. A couple of the sentences almost exactly the same.
One of biggest revelations for me since finding LACGAL is how similar so many of these disordered, narcissistic fuckwits are.
“One of biggest revelations for me since finding LACGAL is how similar so many of these disordered, narcissistic fuckwits are.”
Agreed. I found CL years after my Divorce/Dday etc. I had not given him or whore much thought through the years as I was working and had remarried. Then fw and whore caused chaos in my son and his family’s life. I started searching for narcissist’s because I just couldn’t understand his behavior. Up popped CL and, I have seen so many similarities of his behavior.
I finally figured out that there was nothing special or different about his behavior, just a couple of well matched fuck wits, fuck witting. It’s what they do.
The letter isn’t an apology to the wife he cheated on. It’s looking for sympathy for himself, poor misguided lost soul of a man. Who is really a good person, don’t you see, and a good provider, who really didn’t MEAN to screw up DC’s life.
It just couldn’t be help, don’t you understand?!
Of course you don’t. She could never understand, he believes. She is not a member of the hugely special cheater club. Those that are sooo different and special than all the other humans in that specialness factor. That you, mere mortal, could never understand how they deserve so much more out of life than the common folk of society. How difficult it is to be them! Requiring so much more and everything at once out of life and others just can’t understand this, it’s just so damn tragic for them.
But he loves his children!! Shouldn’t he get some extra brownie points for that,for the love of God?!
The statement of which is thrown in there for that bonus covert sucker punch that underlines further for DC, that in saying that, it’s understood he doesn’t love her. He’s hoping she got that well placed dagger to her heart.
He loved his children so damn much, he was willing to throw their mother under a bus for his fuckbuddy. Love doesn’t get deeper than that people.
This letter isn’t to help DC heal in any way, it’s only to alleviate some of his own pretty uncomfortable guilt by calling himself out on being a creep.
When in his reality, he believes he’s just too incredible for ex to fully be able to manage and he needed to move on to some other young thing still buried deep in the hole of the belief in his delusional greatness. ( that has a shelf life, got to move fast while it’s still viable)
The gig was up at home, needed fresh kill to continue the hunt for his admirers.
I have kids?! Oh well, their mother can do a better job raising them than me, she has that nurturing gene and I have the jeans with the fly always unzipped and ready for action. Just makes more sense.
He will continue to “ provide the best he can”, so you all have nothing at all to fear. 😳
You’ve seen the best he’s got DC, and I would NC that as fast as you possibly can.
Happy Thanksgiving CL and nation! Hope you are all feasting with people that love and care about you! 🦃💙🦃
“You’ve seen the best he’s got DC,”
So profound. It is what I told my son after his dad and whore treated him and his family like shit. I told him that I think the happiest time in his dads life was when he was doing the dad thing in sons youth. It was all he could muster and she got the left overs.
I got a few texts that said he was enthralled with the OW, she made him soup & let him move in straight away. I ran away from home nah nah nah. Bye bye wife! He’s a nothingman because he’s emotionally stunted at 14 yrs old. That’s why he thinks boinking another will solve all his issues, instead of a doing a deep dive. I wouldn’t take life advice from someone 14, so I would bin this self-absorbed drivel. I don’t miss the man-child. I do miss the family unit, but not him as the spouse.
“He was enthralled with the OW, she made him soup & let him move in straight away.”
Aw, how sweet. Nothing says twu wuv like tenderly opening a can of Campbell’s chicken noodle soup. Or maybe it was cream of tomatoe. That’s even more wuvy dovey.
OHFFS: I was thinking he got Chunky Soup 😂
I read these posts sometimes and think “wow, the FW I dealt with would never do this.” The FW that left me loves radio silence. He feels there’s more control in no answers… He feels empowered by never answering anything. Zero closure.
So I’ll never get a half-assed non-apology like this. In fact, FW rewrote the entire story and cast himself as the victim… gaslighting his whole family that I “threw him out” and that I’m the reason he doesn’t have a good relationship with his son.
Narcissists come in so many flavors and abusive ways. They all suck.
And for the record, don’t really want a letter like that either. FWs are full of shit
Michelle…after the two tiny texts I got, my then husband has never communicated to me again either. He also loves silence as control & as a put-down “you’re not worthy of me talking to you”. I don’t miss his “subtle” abusive nature. The OW is now on the receiving end of it (as my kids observe). I’m now the silent one. Bye bye FW!
Thank you Wow. And that’s exactly right… they love the put down that we’re not even worthy of a response. But you made me feel good with the reminder that APs are now on the receiving end of it 🙂 They win the sparkly abusive turd
After learning he was involved with OW and contemplating leaving us for her, my last sane thought was:
“If he does this, I hope that he cuts swiftly with a sharp knife”.
He did not cut swiftly and the knife was a dull serrated one that tore away at me for next 7 years. Much of this was due to my endless snorting of hopium. In some ways, I chose it …over and over again. One time, I got to the place that I was ready to tell him to stop calling and visiting. One the very call when I was about to say so, as the words were about to exit my mouth, he said “Im coming home” (and I let him). About 5 years of wreckonsillyation, I was ready for him to go and I was about to say so when he died.
“So I’ll never get a half-assed non-apology like this. ”
I got one and they are indeed half assed. I was getting ready to go to my part time job at Lowes, after fw napalmed my life and finances. I grabbed the mail and saw the letter. Opened it and read quickly through it, and thought “what the hell”. Stuffed it in my purse. Got to work and my best friend who I was relieving that night, (she had helped me get the job) I let her read the letter, and she said what are you going to do? I said, ignore it; too little too late. She said ok and I stuffed it in my wallet, and put it in my purse which was sitting on my side of the desk.
Later when things calmed down I went down the hall to get a coke, when I came back i grabbed my purse to put in a drawer, noticed my wallet was gone. It had been stolen in all the change of shift chaos. We are pretty sure we know who took it, but of course didn’t accuse since we couldn’t prove it. Never saw it again.
I never got to read it again, and I have attributed it to God taking the opportunity of second guessing out of my hands.
Wow, who would ever guess getting your wallet stolen would be a weird blessing in disguise.
Oh but the cheaters who write these letters and speak this drivel also feel empowered by not providing any answers. There is zero substance or explanation despite the high word count. The goal isn’t to give closure, it’s to try making the chump feel sorry for them. There is no benevolent reason for reaching out to the chump. It’s not radio silence, but more garbled nonsense from the tuner being stuck between the rage/pity channel.
Limbo Chumpian — great point. Really — letter or no letter — same nothing
The Lying Cheating Loser used to send me songs all the time. He called it the “music game.” Like all his games, it was very one-sided. I was to *listen* to the song – not just google the lyrics – so I could properly plumb the depths of his soul through the music. #emptyelevatorshaft
At times I would attempt to play along by sending him songs that were meaningful to me. Alas, the music game didn’t work that way. He never listened, or even looked up the lyrics. He would just say something dismissive, like he didn’t like that genre.
If we were having a fight (when we’re we not) he would say the music game was for his friends and loved ones, and I was neither.
These days (4.5 years out), I laugh and shake my head at the me I was back then. And then I turn on a podcast and learn about Keynesian vs neoliberal economics – just for fun. And think about how much I don’t miss the LCL or his stupid music game.
(when *were we not) dangit!
“Achilles kindness” is brilliant. Absolutely perfect.
Exhibit A
Proof That Cheaters Don’t Have The Necessary Skills For Long Term Committed Healthy Relationships.
The last time I checked, honesty, trustworthiness, loyalty, good communication and problem-solving, introspection, keeping agreements, and personal responsibility were some of the necessary skills for a successful healthy long term committed relationship.
Cheaters are not qualified and you can trust that they take their skill level with them to into all their associations. Healthy relationship skills are learned, and if they were interested in learning, they would not be cheating. Why evolve and problem-solve when you can take your ineptitude with you and inflict it on a new dimwit every five minutes, courtesy of dating apps? No need for long, painful messy introspection to actually improve your character. You can be anyone you want! You can even have multiple personalities! Just keep switching out the people. Instant gratification! It works! Until you get found out by someone wise. No worries! There’s millions more where that one came from.
(Just reading up on articles about how dating apps are engineered to be addictive…..)
Actually, I think he expresses himself very well. And to me he reveals himself as someone I should steer clear of. There’s a sucker born every minute, and therefore lots for him to choose from. I don’t want be one of them.
If you need to figure out what someone means, if you need to figure out what is going on, it’s not a relationship. It’s a game. Though submitting a cheater transmission to the UBT is an exercise in mining comic gold, it’s also a clear indicator that you are involved with Employee of the Month at the Red Flag Factory.
If someone can’t say what they mean, mean what they say, and not say it mean, I am out of there.
100% this. This isn’t a perfect test, but it’s one that I’ve had to employ for myself several times to remind myself that I’m not crazy and that FW is being purposely obtuse. We both have jobs that demand a lot of us intellectually. FW has to send out communications that are easily understood by a wide range of people. He can clearly communicate WHEN HE WANTS TO. I am completely functional and excelling in my field and, most importantly, I never find myself confused in any of my other interpersonal relationships. When FW tries communicating with me and I end up more confused than before we began the conversation, that isn’t because the two of us just don’t work well together. It’s because FW is intentionally trying to obfuscate things.
Feel free to UBT this.
Note: He ended up marrying the OW a year after writing this letter. His relationship with his kids has not improved. They are NC. When he wrote this, he had one infant grandchild, who is now 3. He hasn’t seen her since she was 6-months old. Though he had a grandchild at the time, he says that the OW is “best thing in my life right now.”
Anyway, here it is (written a month after he fessed up to the affair and left to be with the OW):
“I know you’re still grieving deeply. I am not ignoring that. I don’t want to sound patronizing, but I am sure that you will continue to lead a fulfilling life. You still have your family and your friends. If you move to the [insert city name] area, I am sure you will make new friends. I am also certain that you will find a new partner and that it will likely happen sooner than you think. It will be better with him because he won’t be dishonest with you. (I wouldn’t be honest if I said that the image of you with another man did not bother me. I know how irrational and unjustifiable that is. It comes from the gut.)
I hope that you will never discount the many good years we had together. As I tried to indicate in an earlier email, I regard our years together as the most important and meaningful that I will have.
More often than not, the impending divorce feels very real to me. Except for [OW name] I have lost everyone in my life. I don’t work. I’m living in a strange place and don’t know where I’ll be 6 months from now.
I’m not playing the victim. That’s just the way it is.
I don’t know what will happen between [insert OW name] and me. I did not make a conscious decision to “take a new lease on life.” I did not intend for this to happen, but, even a short time into the relationship, I subconsciously knew that our marriage would end because of it. Despite all the lies and cover-up, infidelity is always discovered. I knew that there would be no way to repair things. I was past the point of no return. I’m sorry that it took 2 years for me to do the right thing and tell you.
The fact is that [insert OW name] is the best thing in my life now. She loves me more that I could imagine, much more than I deserve. She’ll probably end up wheeling me around in a wheelchair and cleaning food from my shirt. She says she will not mind.
I hope that my relationship with the kids and with old friends will improve. I will try to be patient and unintrusive. I do hope that, once this is over, I’ll be able hear news about you, to know you’re OK.
I know you may not want to hear about me, but I’d like to hear about you.
I hope this email did not make you angry.
[insert FW name]”
🤢 to the entire letter, but “She’ll probably end up wheeling me around in a wheelchair and cleaning food from my shirt. She says she will not mind” stood out to me because it is always about what the OP will do for them. My dad left my mom for a woman the same age as him. She had to have knee replacement surgery not to long ago and omg, the texts I received from him whining forever and ever on everything he had to do for himself on top of helping her.
Interesting. I do like that you highlight this part. The OW, 12 years his junior, will take care of him in old age. He’s locked that up for himself, but he makes NO mention of who will take care of HER when she gets old (not that I care, but still). Nor, of course, (and no surprise here), does he consider that he’s left me high and dry with no one to clean up my own spittle. Oh right, he’s sure I’ll find a new partner.
He looks after number 1. It’s always been that way.
Sister Wife! [email protected]!
I never knew I had a sister wife.
I’m glad it’s you, and we are no longer married to the freak who is oh so fluent in Middling Horseshit.
And this year I am making an effort to celebrate ONE HOLIDAY AT A TIME. I am ditching Hallowthankschristmas in favor of savoring Halloween, pausing, savoring Thanksgiving, and pausing until December 1 to begin enjoying Christmas. I am tired of being scattered and exhausted…
“I don’t want to sound patronizing.” Really? He sure does sound patronizing — try as he might, or rather, try though he doesn’t.
Rather than a traditional UBT, the format I enjoy most is simply changing the wording of the entire letter as written. I hope you have fun with this;
Dear Spinach,
I know you’re still grieving deeply. I am not ignoring that. I am, in fact, grinning like the Cheshire cat. I don’t want to sound patronizing. It just comes naturally to superior beings like my exalted self. I am sure that you will continue to lead an unfulfilling life, as it does not include me. You still have your family and your friends, people so puny that I cannot recall their names. If you move to the [insert city name] area, I am sure you will make new friends, but none who will ever compensate for losing my exalted self. I am also certain that you will find a beta simp partner and that it will likely happen sooner than you think, but you will miss the days you spent with the ultimate alpha. Please do write back to me when you are dating and include details of your sexual exploits. We’re still good friends, after all! 😙 It will be better, albeit much less exciting, with Mr. Beta Simp because he won’t be dishonest with you. He’s not man enough to find other partners, anyway. I wouldn’t be honest if I said that the image of you with another man did not excite me. In fact, I wouldn’t be honest, period. I know how irrational and unjustifiable that might seem to you and Mr. Beta Simp. It comes from the gut. Maybe if I suck in my gut, these feelings will go away? I do it any time a fuckworthy woman passes by anyway, so no prob and you’re welcome. It’s also a great ab workout. Six pack, here I come!
I hope that you will never discount the many good years you had when we were together, you lucky lucky lady. As I tried to indicate in an earlier email, I regard our years together as the only important and meaningful that I will have. But there comes a time in the life of every brave alpha utermensch when meaning must give way to frivolity, or the alphaness slowly dissipates like helium does from a balloon. I wouldn’t expect you and Mr. Beta Simp to understand the special needs of one such as me, but you don’t want me to be a sad, wrinkled little balloon, do you?
More often than not, the impending divorce feels very unnecessary and unfair to me. Why should I have to lose money on the deal? Except for Cockbreath, I have lost everyone in my life. Nobody really matters to me, but still, it’s the principle of the thing. I don’t work. I’m living in a strange place and don’t know which hole my dick will be in 6 months from now. I’m so afraid, Spinach! Hold me. Hold me like you used to. Cockbreath does not need to know. 😉
I’m not playing the victim. This is just the way I am- a poor, persecuted, put-upon rabbit. You wouldn’t be mean to a rabbit, would you?
I don’t know what will happen between Cockbreath and me. I did make a conscious decision to “take a new lease on life.” I did intend for this to happen. Even a short time into the relationship, I consciously knew that our marriage would end because of my need for strange gash. Despite all the lies and cover-up, infidelity is always discovered, damn it. I knew that there would be no way to repair things, nor did I care. I was past the point of no return, balls deep in a hole which provided the all impotant novelty we utermenschen require. I’m sorry that it took 2 years for me to do the right thing and tell you. I know it was after I decided to leave, so you knowing was inevitable, but still, I told you instead of leaving a cryptic post-it note on my way out the door. That counts for something, right? I mean, I could have, but I was decent enough to tell you to your face so I could witness your unraveling. #honesttoafault
The fact is that Cockbreath is the best thing in my life now. I did hear a vague rumor about some alleged grandchild and was not impressed. Cockbreath blows me more that I could imagine, much more than I deserve. She’ll probably end up wheeling me around in a wheelchair and cleaning food from my shirt. She says she will not mind, and I fully believe that a woman capable of destroying a family is that altruistic.
I hope that my relationship with the kids, whose names I seem to have forgotten, and with old friends (who were they again?) will improve. I swear I’m not trying to be self-pitying and intrusive. I do hope that, once this is over, I’ll be able hear news about your sex life, to know you’re being serviced, if only by Mr. Beta Simp. I know that you miss my exceptional penis, so I hope Mr. Beta Simp can sort of fill that gap. Lol. I made a pun. I’m a punny guy.
I know you may not want to hear about my fabulous and enviable relationship with the saintly wheelchair pusher Cockbreath, but I’d like to hear about you.
I hope this email did make you both jealous of Cockbreath and feeling sorry for me because of all I have lost. Mr. Beta Simp should be privy to my fabulousness, too. Please do read it to him on your first date.
Fondest regards,
Wanderdick
Btw, I know the word is ubermensch, but I thought it would be more fun if the FW got it wrong. After posting it I realized that uddermensch would be better still.
Spinach’s FW, the ultimate uddermensch.
The format is fine. Nice job! I think UBT has to break up the letters to wolf down the lebkuchen in between.
Shortly after serving up this bit of self pity and faux apology, he wrote: “You’re not so perfect either. You gave as good as you got.” What?
The head spins.
The head spins, the stomach turns, and the prick dies. Or so we can hope.
“I did not intend for this to happen… ”
Then why did it happen?!?
This crap- it’s the crux of the whole cheater thang.
“Golly, I didn’t mean to make a whole string of decisions leading to bumping uglies with someone else. But now that it’s somehow just happened, I keep flailing like a mongoose in a water hose trying to say all those decisions I made were somehow not mine. But hope you’re not mad lol”
“flailing like a mongoose in a water hose” 🤣
The shiny new of OW has probably worn off and he’s still miserable because he’s still him.
OW really got a prize.
#sarcasm
This sounds like a drunken ramble. Drunk, alone, sad, nothing turned out the way he expected. So sad, too bad.
No contact is the best answer. Don’t try to figure it out. You can’t fix stupid. Delete. Trash. Burn. Adhere to court ordered visitation schedule.
Neutral conversation is best while transitioning. Great Weather we’re having. Awful weather, isn’t it? Be careful in that traffic! Have a great time with the kids! Buh-Bye!
“Please listen to the song nothingman by Pearl Jam.”
Please listen to the song “You’re So Vain” by Carly Simon.
#needsmorecowbell
🤣
My voice is hoarse from laughter. I just finished reading this aloud to my daughter (complete with an exaggerated, trembling voice for the FW) and we both broke down into near hysteria several times. Now her voice is hoarse from laughing too.
Her verdict; “This is truly art! Chumplady articles should be be in a museum.”
My FW was prone to this sort of thing. He rotated between the; “I’ve been a terrible husband and father. You deserve so much better than I could ever give. I’m so broken!” pity play and the; “I’m not bad like you think I am! I’m not perfect, but I’m trying sooooo hard to be better.” kind of delusional self-puffery. FW never tried hard at anything in his life. He was even lazy and ineffectual about whoring around, which is why he got caught.
🚽 🧻 🖊 🔔💩 How did I miss this repeat post ? 🤣🤣👏🏻👏🏻 🦃
This was timely for me because Fraudster has been calling with sad sausage stories about his physical and mental health, trying to get Teen and I to visit him “before it’s too late.” I was almost forgetting that it’s been too late since I discovered his spectrum of infidelities and abuse.
Thanks to Chump Lady for this, her book, her column, and for this website, which has given so much insight, advice, humor and comfort from Chump Nation.
Was grinning… Up until the schizophrenic reference. Chump Lady can do better than ablesim in her posts. I know I’m not the only one here with mental health issues. This one stung.
I had one of these – his voice quivered with barely concealed pleasure when he was ‘apologising’ for what he considered to be deep and unrecoverable injuries inflicted on my heart.
He had no idea that I’d already moved a very long way out of his orbit, and that him leaving with someone else was the single greatest relief of my life up to that point.
I woke up the next day feeling absolutely amazing – genuinely free for the first time in years.
This came at the end of four years on and off of multiple signs, evidence and indications that he really didn’t know me at all, and had no interest in doing so.
And yet there I was, because single.
I learnt that unlocking the manacles of ‘fear of being single’ was a hugely important step in removing yourself from these people and gaining a life.
My FW would say, “things happened”, and I would force him to say exactly what those “things” were. He called his hooker habit “data-collecting”, and I asked him what sort of data he was seeking.
Being forced to actually NAME the shitty behavior, i.e. f*cking around, made him extremely uncomfortable.
He had to acknowledge he was, in fact, an asshole.
Wow! The thing I’ve been trying to understand for years and years. I thought it was a special, wonderful trait that only my FW possessed. “It’s like at one of those keg parties, where after a few too many, I barf on your sofa. OMG, who put that sofa there?! Barf happens.”
My FW, she had some winners.
Run off the road in your truck? WHO DESIGNED THIS ROAD?!?
Cut a fart at a business dinner? The chef served beans! Someone should fire him!
Find yourself screwing your AP in the office when you’re “working late?” I wouldn’t have had to work late if you were a better husband!
I actually feel left out because I never got a letter. I was really hoping for one for the sole purpose of sending it in to the UBT. In fact, at our last child exchange, she asked me, “What happened to you, you’re so cold now?” So I told her to write me a letter to explain everything. I don’t really care about the letter, but I am so itching to send it in to the UBT. But, I doubt I’d get one because that would take effort. It’d go something like, “I’m sorry you had to find the STI meds and herpes sore cream and put it all together. I shouldn’t have left those out…” Gah!
hats off to the author for holding a pen with one hand whilst wanking with the other
He’s saying you mean nothing and he doesn’t give a damn about you or your feelings. Dump him completely or suffer needlessly.
I’m waiting for my exit letter from my stbxh. This man started an emotional affair with a 19 yo. Left me within 3 days of meeting her. Took our car, drained our savings. Within 30 days he purchased a new home with our savings. Started a sexting affair with her. Also during this time he paid for a sex worker. I of course was in full chump pick me mode. I took him back. What finally broke me was he watched me break down, sobbing, begging for comfort. He looked at me and walked away. This of course was my fault because I was triggered by him wanting to try a new sexual kink.
Whaaa did skankpants dump him?? This sounds like a stool softener! Or he’s hoping for a turkey dinner invite. Because mommy food. This needs no reply.
The words to nothing man are meaningless.
“Like those schizophrenics shouting about the radio transmissions in their dental fillings.”
As a person with Schizophrenic loved ones, this hurts. They have a disorder that is very hard to live with and doesn’t deserve mockery. They’ve also had my back through a very tough time to the best of their ability. Which is a lot more than I can say for the FW in my life.
Please forward this to you ex-FW.