Adult Children Don’t Support Mom’s Reconciliation with Cheating Dad
Her mother took back her cheating dad and now the adult children don’t want to have anything to do with either of them.
***
Dear Chump Lady,
I’m writing on behalf of myself and my siblings, adult children caught in the crossfire of our father’s infidelity.
A year ago, my mother showed up at my doorstep and declared that my father had been having an affair with a long-time colleague.
We were all devastated. Growing up, my Dad was a great dad. He never missed a soccer game or school play, and was constantly involved, taking us bike riding, camping, you name it. He was without a doubt our hero and — for my sister and I — the standard by which we measured all of our boyfriends against.
In her state of trauma, our Mom disclosed intimate details about their fractured marriage, most damning that he had done this before — 25 years earlier (different woman). Several weeks later — when my Dad refused to relocate — my mom filed for, and was granted, a protection from abuse order, preventing my Dad from returning to our childhood home for 6 months. My siblings and I rallied, and moved his things into a storage unit. We were doing for my Mom what she was seemingly unable to do for herself.
She filed for divorce, and we watched our mom fall apart.
She lost a lot of weight, resorted to an old smoking habit, she even wrote in to your blog “Feeling Alone in a Couple’s World.” Try as we might to help keep her busy, reassure her that she was doing the right thing, we couldn’t absorb her despair. It was heartbreaking to witness.
Here’s where it gets really interesting. After only a few months, she took him back. She took him back, and she hid it from us until she was finally pressed about it.
Now, a year later, it’s wreaked havoc on our family.
One brother isn’t speaking to either parent. My sister (newly engaged) has a strained relationship with our mom, and hasn’t seen nor spoken to my Dad since D-Day. My other brother — who, like me, has young children — has cracked the door a little bit… but he lives 2,000 miles away and is naturally insulated to a degree.
Meanwhile, my mom has become distant (and very abrasive) because we don’t support their reconciliation. We all think they’re crazy. In denial. We think our Mom lacks self-respect and that our Dad lacks accountability. Our mom says they want to demonstrate resilience and forgiveness. We see insecurity and toxicity. My sister doesn’t want to invite our Dad to her wedding — my Mom says she might not attend, then, in protest.
As for me, I’m angry.
I’m angry with my parents and I admit that this anger is sometimes wrongfully displaced on my husband and our children. I’m angry… and lately, I’m conflicted. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life — my Dad’s life — holding this anger in my heart. I’m devastated at the thought of our children never knowing my Dad (and limited memories of my Mom, with the way things are going). My husband is horrified by all of it, and wants to limit any interaction with my Dad as much as possible. I fear the effect that this will have on us as a couple, on our own marriage.
Obviously, my Dad failed miserably in the husband category. And I know the argument can be made that “a good father doesn’t do this to his wife.”
But he was a good Dad.
And although I’m shocked at her decision to stay (not once, but twice… let’s be honest, who really knows how many times), I can’t help but feel sorry for my Mom. I’ve started to feel like I need to silence my own opinion, and just want happiness for my Mom.
Initially, my Mom found your book and blog comforting (these days, she ingests different content, the kind that reaffirms her own bias, i.e. don’t give up, your marriage can be salvaged). But your stance has stuck with me. I’ve struggled on whether to reach out because it feels like putting this in writing means it’s forever a part of history. I’ve decided that it is, whether it’s in “ink” or not. So I’m curious: What’s your take, Chump Lady? Where do we go from here? What would you do if you were us — adult children caught in the crossfire?
Sincerely,
Eldest Adult Daughter of a Chump
***
Dear Eldest Adult Daughter of a Chump,
Take a step back. The first thing I’d do is realize that there’s your relationship with your father and there’s your mother’s relationship with your father. Just because she took him back without question doesn’t mean you have to. Similarly, just because she tried to divorce him, doesn’t mean you have to eject him from your life.
I’m giving you the same unsatisfying question I ask everyone: Is this relationship acceptable to you?
It’s totally understandable that you’re still trying to work that out. The hero image you had of your dad — and the image your mother bolstered for 25 years — has been shattered. Of course you’re angry.
You have to integrate this knowledge into your relationship.
You can’t un-know that you have a cheating dad. And I think part of what’s driving you and your siblings nuts is that your mom is trying to go back to her old spackle ways. Nothing to see here! We’re FINE! Forget all that unpleasantness!
And, from what you report, your father hasn’t done one damn thing to explain or apologize. To me, that would be the most angering thing of all. He isn’t holding himself to account, because he doesn’t think he did anything wrong. His entitlement remains unquestioned.
In his world view, he’s entitled to side-dish fucks precisely because he does show up. Hey, he worked a job, supported a wife and attended many soccer games, so he deserves a reward! A little me-time for his wandering dick. But (bitch cookie), he always comes home to you.
Patriarchy is working for him.
Has he recanted? Would you believe him if he had? Or is he pretty solidified in his world view that he’s the most important person and the rest of you are bit players in his magnificence?
Oh, he’s not like that? That’s what his behavior says. He’s a serial cheater and when his affair was discovered, he refused to move out. I’ve had a PFA and you don’t get one unless the person made credible threats. They don’t eject you because one of you wants a divorce. They throw you out because you endangered someone’s safety.
My siblings and I rallied, and moved his things into a storage unit. We were doing for my Mom what she was seemingly unable to do for herself.
To protect your mom, you also had to believe Dad was a threat. That took courage and it must’ve been scary to go against your father that way. To feel disloyal.
But your mom was never unable.
She’d filed for a divorce, gotten that PFA. There’s a strength there. But it sounds like she enlists you in her drama, which I don’t think she should have done. And I say this as a chump — kids should not be expected to carry chump pain. They have enough of their own. Chumps need to stand back and let children figure out their own relationship with the FW parent. (Chances are the FW will keep flagrantly being a FW.)
She filed for divorce, and we watched our mom fall apart.
It’s very hard to lose a lifetime investment and the family you thought you had. You’re all grieving. Except your father, who, if he experiences any regrets, it’s that you found out.
She lost a lot of weight, resorted to an old smoking habit, she even wrote in to your blog “Feeling Alone in a Couple’s World.”
Yeah, I reread that letter. Your mother drinks deep from the internalized misogyny. The whole “divorced people are losers” jumps off the page. Which, if you’re writing to a community of divorced people isn’t a good look. But I understand the fear, the loss of status, and the mindfuck. She’s internalized the cultural message, of “YOU ARE NOTHING WITOUT A HUSBAND.”
Some people don’t have the strength to rebuild.
Faced with two paths — “winning” the pick me dance OR starting over as a “loser” — your mom chose to chase that unicorn. Many, many chumps have tried reconciliation. And you can read a bazillion stories in the archives on how it worked out.
You don’t control other people. Again, this is among my most unsatisfactory advice. Everyone is entitled to their shitty relationships. But you don’t have to respect them for it. And that’s what you do control — your level of investment.
I’m angry with my parents and I admit that this anger is sometimes wrongfully displaced on my husband and our children.
Don’t take it out on them. Figure out your own boundaries so you feel safe again.
I don’t want to spend the rest of my life — my Dad’s life — holding this anger in my heart.
First off, there’s nothing wrong with being angry at your father. He’s an absolute fuckwit. Doesn’t mean you have to cut him out of your life — that’s a separate issue. But you can weigh these things. We all have prices of admission. We each decide if we want to pay each other’s prices. Who among us doesn’t have a virulently racist uncle? A drunk cousin? A mother who constantly fat shames?
Don’t do this zero sum game of “I can’t have any anger” so I must rug sweep and accept my father’s no accountability terms. Figure out how much you can handle. YOU can demand the accountability your mother doesn’t. Tell him why you don’t feel close to him. Ask him to explain. This is all in your control. Boundaries!
You can have boundaries with your mother too.
After only a few months, she took him back. She took him back, and she hid it from us until she was finally pressed about it.
It sounds like she’s ashamed of her decision. Which is why she needs to freebase all those Esther Perel Cheating Makes a Marriage Stronger articles.
When I (briefly) reconciled with a cheater, my friend Yoma drew a very strong boundary with me. She was still my friend, but she refused to let me talk to her about my FW husband. No crying on her shoulder. She knew it was doomed, but she’d talk about anything else. Gardening. Politics. Art. But not him. She reminded me who I was WITHOUT HIM. And that’s what I’d suggest you do, if you can stomach it. Keep the door open, but don’t let mom slop her marriage pain on you. Or her toxic positivity unicorn sparkles.
Focus on your own values.
My husband is horrified by all of it, and wants to limit any interaction with my Dad as much as possible. I fear the effect that this will have on us as a couple, on our own marriage.
Speaks well of your husband, that he’s horrified by your father’s double life. But look, anyone can blindside us, which is another reason why this is all terrifying. You didn’t suspect your father had a secret sexual basement, so how can you be sure your own marriage is safe?
Love makes us vulnerable. There’s no intimacy without risk. Know what you will and will not accept, and have the strength to do hard things if it ever comes to that. Again, you control that.
What would you do if you were us — adult children caught in the crossfire?
I’d focus on my own, busy life and take my parents in very small doses. I’d also, because I have a big mouth, tell your father exactly what you think of his narcissistic cheater bullshit and how it has forever diminished your opinion of him.
I doubt he’ll care and I doubt it would change his behavior in any way. Might even give him a bad case of sad sausageness. This is very hard on him, no harder, really.
But I wouldn’t be smoking the hopium. Your mom might be toking, but you and your siblings can take a pass.
EADoaC,
It can really hurt when a child – of whatever age – finally sees who their parent really is/parents really are and understands that they (the parents) are coming up short. In your shoes I would do what is right and works best for you, your husband and your children and keep your mother and father at arms length.
Above all else, and avoid getting caught up in their BS by putting very firm boundaries in place; boundaries are there to protect you and not punish others.
LFTT
While I think its good that the LW can see that this is putting a strain in her marriage/parenting, Im simultaneously horrified that her parents drama is putting a strain on her marriage and parenting.
As a person who had a sucky (first) husband, I bristle whenever I see a woman with a good husband let something come between her and good husband. If you find one good one in a lifetime, you are really fortunate…DO NOT LET your parents’ dysfunction poison your well.
No-one would want to get 15 years into the future and hear your kids tell you that life was great until you found out that grandpa was an icky cheater and threw the family into cataclysms. They would be better off cutting ties than letting toxicity get the better of them.
Amen to that.
I wish we could throw “went to every soccer game” out of our collective consciousness as a judgement of human success. For years, I was a nightshift nurse on weekends and saw moms destroy themselves with sleep deprivation to work 12 or 13 hours overnight and then go to soccer games because of this trope. In church, a Priest I dislike strongly got on this topic that is was negligent parenting to miss a soccer game. Not every kid needs both parents at every peewee soccer skirmish even my shitty first husband managed to be the parent on site and that part of our parenting was fine.
HAHA, 100 percent agree.
Yes! Soccer game parenthood! What about everything else? So true!
It’s image management. So many of the overly publicly active parents at my kids’ schools were psychos. I kid you not. Just making themselves look good, and then the darkness at home comes out eventually…I miss my sons now that they are Gorton, but not parenting culture crap
How many of these “show up at every game” parents are also the so-called “toxic side-line parents” who are there because they’re personally obsessed with winning and narcissistically view their kids as an extension of themselves?
I swam AAU and did other sports as a kid and some of the “always there” dads were absolute horror shows. I also danced since the age of five and saw how some “ballet moms” could hold their own as far as toxicity. Usually these individuals “loved” the particular sport or activity but couldn’t participate anymore themselves so they drove their children into the ground to excel as proxies.
Later in college I read a study about how parents who “prodigize” their kids to succeed in a particular skill can create the same psychological damage seen in children who were sexually molested. It makes sense if you think about it because both involve forcing children to “perform” for adult gratification.
That! Classic impression management. Sure, his shell made an appearance at approved events and ticked the boxes, but he never let you into his full humanity and never made the real changes or sacrifices required to be a show up dad.
Unicornnomore,
You out it better than I did.
I’d only add that people forget that the first principle of First Aid is to not become a casualty yourself. I think that this applies here for the LW.
LFTT
Its an honor to be on the same wave-length as LFTT, you are a wise one!
Unicornomore,
You are too kind.
I am not wise ….. I just learned from my mistakes. Mistakes a wiser man would not have made.
LFTT
I had a father that cheated on my mother, who forgave him. He died over 35 years ago and to this day my brain and heart remain split over his memory. Love vs. anger, good memories vs. awful memories. Knowing details about the cheating but pretending they didn’t matter because of my mother’s choice to forgive. All made so much worse when my own husband made the choice over and over again to cheat on me. How I felt about my father was a painful mental battle I have chosen to just let go of. The fact he passed away years ago and my mother deceased made it easier to put it all away.
My adult children have the same issues with their cheating father. Lovely memories tainted with the knowledge that he lied to all of us for years. Knowing he chose her, a co-worker they knew, over them many times over the years. Honesty vs. deception. Knowing all the details of his betrayal and yet wanting their children to know their grandfather exists. They’re constantly weighing limiting their own painful exposure to him (and her) against having him in their kids lives.
It always comes down to the lies. The lies are facts. One can try to tuck away emotions but it is harder to ignore the damage that comes from knowing the facts.
Sometimes you just have to do the best you can every day. Walking away from a parent or both parents is easier some days than others. And grandchildren make that decision more complicated.
I would suggest to the letter writer to just do the best they can. Life isn’t black and white and decisions don’t have to be either. One can choose a fluid path of speaking when it is important and distance when that feels more appropriate. It is hard to balance the feeling of owing a parent respect and even appreciation for one’s start in life versus not having the ability to respect their choices and the fallout from those choices.
While my father was alive I often kept distance between me and them but at times also opened the door. Again, I did what felt right for me. I also made the choice to care for my mother after my father died. She was a mean, difficult, opinionated woman and often made my life miserable. But I felt owed her some respect for the opportunities she and my father gave me. It was a very personal choice and not right for anyone other than me. When she passed I was grateful that I made the choices that I did.
It pains me to watch the hurt my children go through regarding their own father. Wanting to write him off completely versus doing what they think is best for their own children. We have a few basic rules such as she can never be at any events where I am. Other than that, I let them make their own choices.
Cheating, lying and abuse by one parent colors the lives of those impacted forever.
“It always comes down to the lies.”
“Life isn’t black and white and decisions don’t have to be either.”
Especially these two lines = perfection.
Dear Daughter:
I am so sorry you and your siblings are going through this, and the havoc it is wreaking on your personal and family lives. After my father died, my mother told me that he had been unfaithful. He was a fantastic father and I found that information very difficult. Mom told me the day before I left to drive across the country and I cried for 2500 miles. You have to re-write your childhood and understanding of your parents and family relationships with that new information and it is quite painful and takes some time. Your father willingly hurt your mother and you kids, and that knowledge has to be integrated with your cherished memories of all the good times. And it was confusing when I found out about my husband’s secret sexual life because even so trusted a man as my father had done the same….
From the depths of my heart as also a daughter of a cheater, I wish you and your siblings a lot of love and courage as you deal with this. It is heartening to see that you are determined not to let it affect your marriage.
In terms of your mother, perhaps she is due some grace. Most of us here gave our spouses a chance or two or even more. We believed in redemption, forgiveness, family. Your mother is likely traumatized and may be unable to make good decisions or be her usual self at the moment. A good therapist may do wonders by allowing her a safe space to sort it out…and it may be helpful to you and your siblings to do the same.
EADC, I don’t have a cheating father, but I have a toxic narcissist father who was physically and emotionally abusive to me growing up. I left home when I was 18.
My rule with him is minimal contact. Big events like weddings, yes; long visits or phone conversations, no. And absolutely no politics; I will hang up on him if he starts.
I don’t know if that’s helpful, but I think you can have both boundaries and a minimalistic relationship with your parents. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
Hmmm I wonder how much of her Great Dad memories is really giving him credit for the mother’s efforts and spackle? People thought FW was a decent one but really I did nearly all the parenting and he only waltzed in last moment (often had to be reminded) to look good and take credit simply by existing.
Once we divorced it became shockingly, painfully obvious to us that FW is a crappy parent without remorse or empathy.
I also had a 25 year gap between D-DAYS. What it really means is the cheating never stopped in between. Based on the ages of the parents I suppose the mother is afraid to age alone looking like a “loser divorcee”, but the reality is if seriously ill how likely is the serial cheater husband gonna take care of her? More likely he’d discard her or have another affair while wife’s in chemo and this hasten her demise.
My kids have a serial cheating grandpa, yes my exH/FW own father’s also a FW. I spent decades trying to spackle him into decent granddad and nope he’s a crap one too. So I doubt OP kids are missing out on much and agree with the husband to distance themselves from the toxic couple.
FW don’t change. Ever.
Eldest Daughter,
What you feel is normal. My EX and I did go through a period of trying to reconcile – it was not successful, for which I am grateful.
My two children were young adults when things hit the fan. My daughter, who has her own two children, has a fairly decent relationship with her father. This is despite the fact that she has always felt she never measured up in his opinion. While I’m not upset with her decision, I do wish she would recognize her self-worth and tell him off occasionally.
My son has not spoken to his father for several years. He told his father off when he discovered that his father was having an affair, even though he had long suspected it. He doesn’t really talk to his sister either because he doesn’t want his information to get back to his dad. He flat-out says that as long as she has a relationship with someone who mistreated us all, he doesn’t have anything to say to her.
I am disappointed that my children now have this type of relationship when they used to be close. However, I understand it. My daughter was always the golden child for her father (amazing since she never did things well enough) and my son was never the person his dad wanted him to be.
YOU need to do what you feel is best for you and your husband and children. Your mother may need your support in the future and you get to make a choice then. It isn’t for anyone else to tell you what to do. The one thing I would hope for you is that you maintain a cordial relationship with your siblings. If at all possible, be there for one another. You can institute the rule that you aren’t going to discuss your parents and their relationship but I hope you can maintain a decent sibling relationship.
Wishing you all of the best.
The glaring thing to me from this letter is — FW Dad is not mentioned all that much. What did he do to earn that protection from abuse order? What has he said or done or tried to make amends to his kids? Why does only mom get the blame for hiding the parents’ reconciliation? (He hid it too, apparently.) Why why why does the LW still call him a “good dad” if he was abusive (as evidenced by the PFA)?
I would be very, very curious if he has the “good dad” and “heroic” balls to reach out to his own kids without mom as the intermediary.
Anyway, plenty of kids don’t have much of a relationship with their grandparents, and they’re fine. “Must see grandparents” might be a twist on yesterday’s “For the Children” post.
My thoughts exactly.
I wouldn’t bring the grandkids around your parents’ ongoing DV situation. Real talk: He’s potentially lethal, to her and any bystanders. She’s still got statistically 7-9 tries, minus the first separation she tried, to leave him for good. It will likely get worse before it gets better for her.
Life keeps moving. Invite her to come visit ya’ll without him. Let her do what she will, but resist her sanewashing of him. Cognitive dissonance is getting the best of her, unfortunately. Detach lovingly and hope she gets stronger and tries again to get out.
Agreed. Do not look over acts that got a protective order – those are very hard to get, so. It’s so hard to believe that our every day life is full of monsters. I would do anything to not believe that for a long tome but there it is.
Well, I hope she gets out of her fuckwit husband in taking him back what she lost in alienating her children.
I do not blame you or your siblings one iota for being angry and enforcing boundaries. If nothing else, it sounds like when the PFA went into effect (our Fearless Leader as ever has a point-those don’t just materialize without evidence) you all dropped everything to help move his things out and help her walls sing again and this is how you have been repaid.
Here is where I got stabby (as my reality canary would say) reading this all of this-“she showed up at my doorstep” and then drama bombed. Ok, fine, we’ve all done similar after D-Day. Where the bile rises up in my heart is “it is going to happen again as she has taken this fuckwit back and this is going to happen again.”
Because it already happened again.
And you are going to be expected to drop everything and help her clean the mess up. Again. A totally preventable mess.
I am also reacting to “and where is your father in trying to do damage control with all of you over this?” Is it supposed to be your mother’s job to help mend that bridge? Like, the hell? Your mother divorced him. His stuff got put into a storage unit. There was a PFA. I think we’re beyond the old fuckwit chestnut of “there was a misunderstanding.”
Your mother did not deserve to be cheated on. She did not deserve to be abused. She does not deserve to have him whispering in her ear about how great it would be to take him back because he’s sorry that he can’t keep it in his pants and knows that she doesn’t want to be alone with her empty nest.
She deserves better. But she is also walking knowingly back into the woodchipper.
I am happy that he was a show-up parent. That being said…perhaps it’s time to re-evaluate how good of a parent that he really was…and continues to be. He cheated…multiple times (I would be very curious how he got caught each time…and if there was more.) He demonstrated to his four children that love is transactional and there are entitlements in relationships. That was the message my cheating parent gave me. That is what he is role modeling to be correct. Does that sound like a good parent to you?
You are allowed to be angry with both parents. At best your mother drama bombed you and expects a general amount of handwaving and forgive and forget. That is getting me angry thinking about it as well…the whole “you’re all going to have to get real cool with all of this real quick.” I think you are doing right by your children trying to keep them out of the gravity well of this whole thing. If your parents want to be in their lives (or if you want them to be in your kids’ lives), I think it’s completely fair to set boundaries and limits. Your kids will learn from them, too.
Stay Mighty!
Good points — especially how mom is enlisted to fix this and Dad is absent. Like everyone has to do the work except him.
“Who among us doesn’t have a virulently racist uncle? A drunk cousin? A mother who constantly fat shames?”
CL – Are you spying on me?? 😉
Or perhaps we’re related? 😉
This is heartbreaking and I feel for the adult children and the mom trying to navigate as adults that father they thought was great while also knowing the depth of betrayal he did. It’s hard to know what qualifies as a “good dad”. It’s not just showing up physically and being there for games and the activities. It’s treating those closest to you and everyone else with emotional interest, respect, curiousity in a self-less way. My FW is adamant that he is a great dad and would never harm his kids while at the same time putting them in risky situations and harming their mother emotionally. My father, while not a cheater, who was around all the time at home, didn’t show interest in my emotional life or any of my interests. He didn’t attend my extra-curriculars. I have a very strained shallow relationship with him. It seems like the emotional intimacy part of a relationship cannot be missing without causing some harm even if that is emotional neglect.
My FW also thought he was a stellar dad. He gave them money to get the best schooling. After 12 years of my family’s involvement with that school, another school mom saw my then-husband at my son’s graduation. She asked me who that man was, I said “That’s my husband.” She said “Oh my, I didn’t know you were married.” Props to the FW for financially supporting the family, but directly and indirectly for years I and the kids asked for less money and more time with dad. Nope. Not an option. “More time less money” was our decades long running argument, and one of our last married arguments. God bless that poor bastard. The irony is that in high school my daughter got straight As. I and her guidance counselor tried to get her interested in a professional future to no avail – doctor, lawyer, Indian chief, she could have done anything. Her response “I don’t want to end up like Dad.”
From one eldest daughter to another, I am so sorry this is happening to you.
As someone who works in the state court system and deals with protective orders daily, I second what Tracy said about the protection order. Your mother said something to a judge that concerned him or her enough to issue a court order protecting her. Something pretty bad must have happened, which can’t be discounted when evaluating your next steps. I wish you the best of luck.
Mom, unfortunately, is manipulating, gaslighting and emotionally abusing you and your sibs in order to protect her cheater and publicly burnish his image at your sister’s wedding.
Our mom says they want to demonstrate resilience and forgiveness. We see insecurity and toxicity. My sister doesn’t want to invite our Dad to her wedding — my Mom says she might not attend, then, in protest.
The forgiveness is expected from mom and the kids. Cheater dad isn’t expected to be resilient and see exclusion from his daughter’s wedding as the consequence of his own actions, including enough abuse to warrant a protection order. Or maybe Mom doesn’t want to be a single mother of the bride. Nope, daughter is supposed to cave like mom and let dad have his day. Er, HER day.
What says it all is Mom’s threatened refusal to boycott a daughter’s wedding unless the rightfully estranged, abusive cheating dad is included. Has cheater dad even asked to attend, or communicated with his daughter? They all know his behavior resulted in a Protection From Abuse order. Will he next expect to walk her down the aisle and dance the father daughter dance? Will he physically push his way into those roles expecting everyone to go along for the sake of appearances and out of fear of what he’ll do to get his way?
Mom is actually choosing cheater ex over her daughter on a significant day for her daughter that should be as stressless ads possible.
I’m curious about the timing and why mom was so secretive about taking dad back a few months after she filed for divorce. Did that stop the divorce? Did mom reach out to dad, or was he just avoiding consequences? Did Mom know daughter was engaged when she and cheater dad reconciled? I wonder how much of this is being done for image management, both his and hers.
I hope all the sibs make it clear that your are behind sis and will be there on her wedding day. And if your sis wants an escort down the aisle, could it be you and your brother, walking with her together?
Oh, wow. That hadn’t occurred to me, but I think this is it. Oh my goodness. 😳
This story will not improve with age as fine wine does. Onset of dementia, ill health, aging changes are all coming..it gets worse so buckle up your boundaries and protect yourself and your family. Start now to shore up your heart and limit contact from the whole dumpster fire.
Another thing about ” great cheating dads”, there is ALWAYS manipulation and impression management. From my experience with my Ex, he used trips, bed and breakfast places, remarriage ceremonies, church attendance, buying new wedding bands for me and him, trips to the Arkansas wedding Chapel, not missing any of my kids band concerts or school programs Was it all to keep the cake when i was of use to him,? Was he always transactional? Did he want to keep the family then and got tired of all the effort?..As i look back on all these gestures, were they basement hiding ploys to keep me unsuspecting? Were they his actual attempt to stop his secret life and come clean by good behavior and then falling back down the basement stairs again? I will never know and that’s untangling him..a no no here. But We cannot, on this cheating blog, overlook manipulation and lies and how they have worked for these cheaters as an entire life time of using and abusing whole family systems. Fooling everyone and believing their own lies too. Dear daughter of a cheater, do what works for you but keep your distance from the chaos and close your ears. Your owm family comes first and your sanity is even more precious.
Did you live my life? the trips the new wedding bands the showing up (physically) to kid events to look good while messaging hos on his phone. As soon as we divorced FW did not bother with impression management any more and we saw what a POS he’s always been.
Infuriatingly FW current excuse is telling the kids “your mom does not tell me anything” when I know 100% he gets the school emails too.
Archer..I was just so fooled!!! But they are good!! I was so angry with my pastors and Elders for believing my cheater as he lied bold faced to them !! But 2 years after the divorce I NOW say to myself…Hey 2xchump…you got fooled twice!! By 2 cheaters…!!!! If I who lived with, slept with, cooked for, traveled with, fought with this masked man, this Zoro with a cape. If this grand actor fooled me for YEARS…why not much easier prey like — yes Pastors, Elders, even my children, yes my daughter loves her daddy….and half my church???? What makes me more remarkably a chump than people who know him even less and are dazzled by sparkles????!!! Who hate to make difficult decisions and like to pave over all the manure with their fingers in their ears…of course I am not alone. We were all prisoners of lies and it may take many years to dig out. I’m going to get to meh on a Tuesday real soon.
I just wanted to say that CL’s advice is perfection and you should take it to heart, Eldest.
Edited to add that your insistence that he was a good dad doesn’t take into account that the whole good guy thing must have been a mask. You experienced him as good, but a protection order says he is a potentially violent and dangerous person. In addition to that, people tend to have easy standards for fathers to meet in order to be considered good dads. Going to soccer games, doing activities with you, is that all you required? I note that you didn’t mention nurturance, emotional support and him doing actual physical care of his children. How was he at those things?
Those are required of women in order to be considered good moms. Dads get the fun stuff, not the drudge work, so really, how hard is that? Apparently it’s dead easy to be considered a good dad by common standards.
💯 Such is the sad state of our society that the bar for men is in the basement
great articles
Thank you for sharing your perspective. Cheating is really a crime against the whole family- there is no way for the children to not be deeply affected, even adult children. I love hearing your very rational and honest thoughts. In my case, my kids all know what their father did – a serial cheater who eventually couldn’t hide it anymore. We divorced which was very important and healing. While my children find what he did extremely wrong and find many parts of his current secretive black box lifestyle very strange, they still love him and want to spend time with him. Only my daughter finds having a relationship with him very difficult as she can’t look past his behavior. The boys however can more easily and I see how badly they want his presence in their lives. I am very accepting of it because I just want them to be happy and have love in their lives even if the source is unreliable- I can see they need him too. I think you should do whatever feels right. You don’t have to forgive him and ignore what he’s done, you can accept him as flawed and still love him. It’s not easy – I can tell you are very thoughtful. Good luck 💛
Chump Lady is right: they don’t hand out PFA orders for nothing. Whether he hurt her or made very credible threats of harm, this man is physically abusive. As someone else noted above, on average it takes a woman seven time to leave an abusive relationship.
It may not be safe for your mother to attend the wedding by herself; likely she would suffer repercussions at home from this man (screaming, financial abuse, weeks of pouting, a new affair and risk of STDs, physical attacks/threats, etc). Abusers are excellent at isolating their victims: getting her to stay home serves the dual purpose of keeping her away from friends and family and alienating her children, who will be upset with her, not him, it sounds like. Consider that a non-abusive partner would encourage her to attend by herself, even if he is not welcome. A non-abusive partner would want her to keep up good relations with the children in hopes of mending bridges, etc. If she doesn’t come, I hope that you will put the vast majority of blame where it belongs here – on her abusive spouse.
It gets recommended everywhere, but Lundy Bancrofts’ “Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” might help you better understand the dynamic you grew up in and how to move forward.