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Dear Chump Lady, My therapist says don’t tell anyone he cheated

August 6, 2019 by Chump Lady

Dear Chump Lady, Do you think chumps should tell their family and friends that the reason they are separated from their spouse is because he/she cheated? My marriage counselor (MC)’s advice was that the reason for the separation was not anyone else’s business and said that by telling the truth (i.e. their spouse cheated) the betrayed […]

Filed Under: False reconciliation, Limbo, Telling people Tagged With: Cheating, Disclosure, playing the victim, secrets, Victim shaming

UBT the Trust Bank

July 31, 2019 by Chump Lady

CN, why haven’t we deconstructed the bullshit trope of the Trust Bank yet? OMG, I’ve let you down! Recently, I got a letter that went like this: Two years into the relationship he left his email open and I found the Craigslist ads, dating site profiles, etc…, but he eagerly agreed to couples counseling and […]

Filed Under: euphemisms, False reconciliation, Quacks, Reconciliation, Sex addiction, universal bullshit translator Tagged With: Sex addiction, Trust, Trust Bank, Universal Bullshit Translator

Dear Chump Lady, I want closure

March 11, 2019 by Chump Lady

Dear Chump Lady, Leaving my cheater has been a real struggle for me. I started going to a trauma therapist to get some help with my issues. I’ve learned there are several internal walls that are blocking me from making my exit. A big one is what to do when I leave. My plan was to […]

Filed Under: False reconciliation, How to leave a cheater, Limbo, Trust that they suck Tagged With: Closure, Trust That They Suck

Trickle Truth Is Neither Trickle Nor Truth

December 19, 2018 by Chump Lady

Mindfuck blender

Add to the list of Reconciliation Industrial Complex euphemisms I despise — “trickle truth.” I’ve ranted about “wayward” before and the “fog,” but it only recently occurred to me that “trickle truth” is equally moronic… or Orwellian. (Moronically Orwellian? Deviously Orwellian? Anyway…) “Trickle truth” is like “truthiness,” the term comedian Stephen Colbert coined for the rebranding of […]

Filed Under: Cheater Tactics, Deception, Early days after discovery, False reconciliation, Gaslighting Tagged With: Trickle Truth

Dear Chump Lady, What if there was no sex?

July 11, 2018 by Chump Lady

Hi Chump Lady, What would you do if your husband did the following behaviors in an 11 year marriage (two early elementary kids)? He says this is all that ever happened. 1). Went to the strippers about 15 times since the year we had our kids). 2). Had 4 lap dances where strippers put breasts […]

Filed Under: Ask Chump Lady, Bitch cookie, Deception, Emotional affair, False reconciliation, Gaslighting, Limbo, Sex addiction, Untangling the skein of fuckupedness Tagged With: Sex addiction

Hopium Translations

March 9, 2018 by Chump Lady

Hopium

Chumpy hearts die hard. Armed with the smallest evidence that a freak still cares, a chump will assign great significance to scraps. HE CALLED (to ask that I pick up his dry-cleaning.) HE RETURNED (to get his kayak). SHE WANTS ME (can I babysit tonight?) Sigh. It’s what makes us chumps — idiotically ascribing decent […]

Filed Under: False reconciliation Tagged With: Hopium

What You Thought It Was, What It Really Was

September 1, 2017 by Chump Lady

How many times do we write “tip of the iceberg” around here? When faced with a D-Day, chumps never get the full picture. And, fact is, many years out, you realize “the whole truth” is unknowable with a cheater. There are skeletons you will never unearth. Meh is walking away from the shovel. But I […]

Filed Under: Deception, Early days after discovery, False reconciliation, Spackle

Dear Chump Lady, Don’t confess an affair?

November 28, 2016 by Chump Lady

Dear Chump Lady, A lot of advice nowadays paints confessing an affair as worse than having one. Can you please rebut the following arguments? Confessing an affair is disrespectful and selfish. Only confess if you’ve been caught or you’ve contacted a STD. If neither happened and the affair is over, keep it to yourself. Cheating […]

Filed Under: Ask Chump Lady, False reconciliation

Dear Chump Lady, He “can’t cope with the guilt” of who he is

January 13, 2016 by Chump Lady

Dear Chump Lady, I was cheated on by my ex, for the first year I hadn’t any idea. There were 5 to 6 other women. There have been several sex messages, pictures, arranging to meets, and other indiscretions. Nineteen other women in total and I found the majority out when I was 7 months pregnant with our son. I left when […]

Filed Under: Ask Chump Lady, False reconciliation, No contact, universal bullshit translator

The Compassion Trap

December 30, 2015 by Chump Lady

“What we want most is only to be held…and told…that everything (everything is a funny thing, is baby milk and Papa’s eyes, is roaring logs on a cold morning, is hoot-owls and the boy who makes you cry after school, is Mama’s long hair, is being afraid, and twisted faces on the bedroom wall)…everything is […]

Filed Under: Abandonment, False reconciliation, Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse

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