Dear Chump Lady. I love your blog, but I am on the fence about staying or leaving. I am in recovery mode. I follow several people on Twitter for and against reconciliation and today I was shocked to see the post from Rosie Joseph and Elle saying not to use the word “cheater.” Why the […]
Dear Chump Lady, How do I forgive myself?
Dear Chump Lady, I stayed in a marriage with a serial cheater/sex addict. I know I should have been out of there thirty seconds after the first discovery but unfortunately I just emotionally shut down ten seconds after that first discovery. I stayed and ignored obvious incongruities and lies. I stayed and became immune (or […]
Love, The All-Purpose Spackle
Anyone else notice this phenomenon? On infidelity forums, you’ll read a thread describing a thousand horrors and humiliations and invariably it ends — “but I love him.” But I love him. King’s X. “But I love him” (or her) means I can’t leave. As long as I feel love for this person, it cancels out […]
What It Looked Like, What It Was
Today we’re doing to take a deep dive into spackle. Chumps often put things in the best light — which can be a very nice quality. Take children’s art work, for example. While some may see a squashed vessel and guess “tumor” — you, the proud parent, see artistic potential, genius even. All the other […]
When You Can’t Leave Because You Still “Love” Them
Anyone else notice this phenomenon? On infidelity forums, you’ll read a thread describing a thousand horrors and humiliations and invariably it ends — “but I love him.” But I love him. King’s X. “But I love him” (or her) means I can’t leave. As long as I feel love for this person, it cancels out […]
How did you spackle over the incompatibility?
After infidelity, I’m rather skeptical of the old adage “opposites attract.” I’d advise just the opposite really — find someone in your own values tribe. No two people share everything, of course. My husband’s love of Texas, for example. Tornadoes? Okay. Scorpions? Sure! Ten-year droughts? Bring it! Rat snakes? No worries. Jalapeños? Loves it. Oppressive heat? DEAL […]
Poor Nigel
Last week this chump metaphor caught my eye — as the world mourned the death of Nigel, the lonely gannet on a remote island off New Zealand. Nigel was renown for his steadfast love of a concrete decoy. Apparently there are chumps in the animal kingdom too. The Washington Post reports: Nigel, a handsome gannet […]
What You Thought It Was, What It Really Was
How many times do we write “tip of the iceberg” around here? When faced with a D-Day, chumps never get the full picture. And, fact is, many years out, you realize “the whole truth” is unknowable with a cheater. There are skeletons you will never unearth. Meh is walking away from the shovel. But I […]
Dear Chump Lady, Why is the OW calling our house?
Dear Chump Lady My husband told me about his affair 3 years ago. (Which lasted 5 years.) He cut off contact with the other woman at that time. We are still together and have 2 teenagers. Today was his birthday. I was busy making a gourmet dinner and dessert for him, when our home phone […]
When You’re the Parent in the Relationship
One common thread I see running through a lot of stories here is that the chump is takes a parental role in the relationship. Gah! This person won’t pay the bills/watch the children/work a job and I must do this and then they resent me for it! Totally maddening. I was completely guilty of being […]
