Your Very Best Spackle, Please

tractorjewelryAt breakfast the other day my husband ran a spackle scenario by me. He  was reading “Chicken Soup for the Soul for Couples.”

Let me stop here. I said, “I can’t tell them you were reading ‘Chicken Soup for the Soul for Couples,’ they’re going to think I made you up. Like you’re a magical goat or something.” “They’re going to think I’m a pussy,” he said. Then added, “Are you going to tell them I was making you breakfast? And there was bacon? And I was going to bring it to you?”

Chumps, I married a magical goat. (And man, was his ex the biggest idiot who ever lived.)

Anyway, in this book was a story told by this woman whose husband was a crappy gift giver. She grew up in a home where her father had always thoughtfully gotten her mother gifts. He always recognized her birthday, Christmas, anniversary, etc. But her husband never did this. She’d hint. She’d be direct. Nothing. Finally, one day the guy says he’s going to the flea market on her birthday and she asks, “Hey, bring me back some jewelry.” (At this, I’m thinking… lady, you’re desperate. Jewelry from the flea market?)

And instead of jewelry, he brings back a shovel attachment for their tractor.

Now instead of calling a divorce lawyer, or digging a grave for him with that shovel attachment, she writes a story for “Chicken Soup for the Soul for Couples.”

One winter, he’s gone (he works on a ship). And there’s a ton of snow. And by God, that shovel attachment comes in handy because she can dig herself out, and her neighbors, and she’s a minor celebrity because of that shovel attachment.

The moral of her story is that she always wanted presents, but the shovel was a gift. See, deep down, her husband knew what she really needed. His love was a practical love. And we can’t expect people to be the sorts of people we want them to be. We have to accept their gifts as they are.

“So, is this spackle?” asked my husband.

HELL YES IT’S SPACKLE.

Hey, Chicken Soup Lady! Shovel attachments and jewelry are not mutually exclusive. There is not a finite amount of generosity in a relationship. Your husband can make a card, write you a poem, cook you some goddamn bacon for breakfast. There is no loving reason why your husband refuses to acknowledge occasions or give you gifts. (I bet you give him gifts.) Some crappy earrings from the flea market cost a hell of a lot less than a tractor attachment. Your husband was deliberately being withholding. It was your birthday. He knew what would make you happy, and he didn’t give a flip.

He also probably bought that tractor attachment for himself. No man, even an idiotic narcissistic man, thinks that women want tractor attachments. Women aren’t having slumber parties and braiding each other’s hair and talking about tractors. Unless she specifically asked for a shovel for the tractor, unless you have some cute inside joke about shoves for tractors, unless she is a farmer with a side gig in snow removal, you can pretty much guaran-fucking-tee that a woman does not equate shovel attachments for the tractor with romance.

In short, her husband is a jerk. And she spackled.

So chumps — can you trump the tractor story? What’s your finest bit of spackle? What’s the most glorious excuse you ever devised that really, deep down, your cheater cared?

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FeralBlue
FeralBlue
8 years ago

I actually convinced myself that he only lied to everyone else…..never me. *face/palm* for the younger me.

Plain
Plain
8 years ago
Reply to  FeralBlue

Oh FeralBlue, I thought he would never be condescending toward us (like he is with “other” people in his life) or that he would devalue and discard us so easily…”if he ever loved anyone, it would be his kids” I often think and yet I’m not to sure about it (if he feels anything)…

Plain
Plain
8 years ago
Reply to  Plain

Is it “spackle” if I think he will “never” cheat or lie or mistreat the OWife?

FeralBlue
FeralBlue
8 years ago
Reply to  Plain

Until I found this site, I went through several years thinking that he and the OWife had the perfect relationship and I was the problem. Chumplady set my sight right. I got to Meh and married a wonderful man. Exhole’s marriage to OWife has since imploded, he was cheating. Surprise. Now he’s married to the OW in that marriage.

It’ll take a while, but you’ll get to the point where you don’t really care what he’s doing, but will have a great laugh at what befalls him.

sunshine
sunshine
8 years ago
Reply to  FeralBlue

Me three.

Also, my ExH was the perfect guy in many ways. He made me breakfast with bacon and brought it to me in bed. He gave me beautiful, thoughtful gifts. He took me out dancing and gave me flowers “just because.” Even after 17 years, he was still loving, attentive, and passionate. I really thought he was perfect. Except that he was also loving, attentive, and passionate with many other women too. And physically abusive. And an addict. And a rapist. What I’ve learned is to pay attention to the sum total of ALL of someone’s actions. And just because they tell you AND show you that they love you, that doesn’t mean that they do.

KaBree
KaBree
8 years ago
Reply to  sunshine

sunshine and mimom1….exact same….DDay a month ago, left a voicemail meant for one of the others to confirm a hook up on my voicemail….multitasking from his office line. Ooops. Glad that I didn’t answer the phone and got the bootie call. “Hey, it’s me”….so familiar…..and at the end “Miss you”. Vomit. Brought me coffee in bed that morning. He’s a covert-aggressive. Hired a lawyer, just getting started. I’m still waking up from it.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
8 years ago
Reply to  KaBree

Hi KaBree. Welcome to CN. I’m only about three months into this. Please be kind to yourself. It is true that the infidelity is the tip of the abuse iceberg. The farther away you get from DDay the easier it will be to see it, and I’m still waking up to all the repercussions of this too do I sm nog an expert, but lots of people here are.

KaBree
KaBree
8 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

It’s all scary. Tonight he wanted to chat about the Republican Debate, like everything is good again…I don’t want anything to do with him, so I chill in the den with my dogs, official separation date 6/29, I just want to get all of this behind me and remain in one piece. Lucky to have my labs, awesome brothers and sisters in law, and some much trusted friends…and hopefully a great lawyer. I keep reminding myself that he completely sucks. I repeat it to myself over and over in the car on the way home from work. Reading and this site and my support system help tremendously. Thanks for your kind words.

ColorHimStoopid
ColorHimStoopid
8 years ago
Reply to  KaBree

Ps -that always got me too. The familiar – ‘hello you…. It’s me. In the calm seductive voice reserved for the uninitiated.

I only got the screaming blame shifting voice dumping his problems on me

Colorhimstoopid
Colorhimstoopid
8 years ago
Reply to  KaBree

KaBee – I heard ‘but what I have with them isn’t what I have with you. It means nothing.

I’m not making love to them. How could YOU be so stupid to not understand that?

That’s right. I’m the stupid one

I also go vmails meant for others and he would always say ‘oh and you’re going to blame me for what you think I said ?’

Right again. I was the stupid one

ItsNotMe.ItsYou.
ItsNotMe.ItsYou.
8 years ago
Reply to  KaBree

My stbx got arrested for soliciting a prostitute. He said she asked him for a ride and he was just being nice. The police report said it was a sting operation and that he parked in the spot the undercover hooker told him she’d meet him in. I bought his version and told my best friend he was just “stupid”. Turns out he was. A stupid cheating lying disordered fucktard.

mrsvain
mrsvain
8 years ago

OH my giddy aunt. the same thing happened with Satan, he got picked up and a Dear John sting. got arrested the weekend before Valentines Day (monday) out of town. so he bailed out and came home on valentines day, of course he had no gift or card for me……his wife. he was all stressed out so was acting like a dick when i questioned him. he did tell me he got arrested but refused to tell me why, so little old marriage police mrs vain went out of town and had them print up a copy of the arrest warrant, which i would have spackled if he had just told me something, anything…..except that it was none of my business. so after i confronted him, he tells me “oh you think you know everything” so i say ok what is your story, he says he was just asking her if she needed a ride (which was in the arrest record) but that he did not know she was a prostitute. you know he is just such a nice guy *eyes rolling* that he was only thinking of helping a poor young girl out by giving her a ride….and yep i probably would have believed him if it did not say that the undercover cop “settled” on a price for a blow job.

but i forgave him for that because i thought he was too stupid….he couldnt even pick up a prostitute right, what did i have to worry about.

ItsNotMe.ItsYou.
ItsNotMe.ItsYou.
8 years ago
Reply to  KaBree

KaBree, me too. I got a text meant for someone else. It was good because he had always lied about his serial cheating and I was a chump so I “believed” him. And spackled. The hard part is to quit spackling. There are times when I still want to believe that he really loves me and that he isn’t who he really is. It’s amazing how my brain can try to twist everything around to try to make everything ok. I’m a better liar to myself than he ever was to me. Good job on hiring a lawyer, I haven’t been able to take that step yet.

KaBree
KaBree
8 years ago

Well since he prefers strippers and prostitutes, by staying put I’m just waiting to be given HIV or HepC, he already gave me HPV so….I realize that I’m nothing more than an object, a possession, and he doesn’t care how his behavior affects me either emotionally or physically. It’s abuse. I’d rather be alone than just be some pawn in his game of life. It’s weird, and it’s hard, but I’m using my head on this, my heart is that of a chump. Good luck to us both.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  KaBree

KaBree & ItsNotMe..–You are both very courageous. What cheaters do IS abuse–the infidelity itself is just the tip of the iceberg and is buttressed by the gas lighting, blame shifting, deception, and downright cruelty they use to keep up the infidelity.

We are just commodities or objects to these serial cheaters; they are not capable of full human emotions like love or loyalty so your worth is tied to providing them with attention and adoration or some other benefit. It is hard to wrap our heads around how other people could appear normal, and yet be bereft of compassion and empathy. But they are. Keep a log of all the horrible things your STBXs have done to read when you start to spackle. Hugs to you both.

mimom1
mimom1
8 years ago
Reply to  sunshine

Sunshine… I can relate totally, mine worked very hard to give me the illusion of a happy marriage for 23 years while being a serial cheater and sex addict the whole time.

kristil
kristil
8 years ago
Reply to  mimom1

Mine too – 32 years of believing everything he said and spackleing over what he did because he TOLD me he loved only me … hhhmmmm ….. f’ing prostitutes and at least one other colleague the whole time (although he nods his head to only 15 YEARS) WTF – why not just leave??? – who can lie to everyone for that long. What a creep – the ones who use you as a cloak of respectability – pretending to the outside world that you are so lucky to have them and all the while dropping into the local brothel for a Sunday quickie when they say are either at work or visiting their elderly aunt ….. yuck

phoebenix
phoebenix
8 years ago
Reply to  FeralBlue

me too…

twitching
twitching
8 years ago
Reply to  phoebenix

Me tooooo

Hopeful Cynic
Hopeful Cynic
8 years ago
Reply to  twitching

Three…

Chumpish
Chumpish
8 years ago
Reply to  Hopeful Cynic

That’s hilarious! 2 questions – did it work, and where can I order?

Janet
Janet
8 years ago

Defending my ex to my high school aged daughter as to why he was so uninvolved in our lives.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
8 years ago
Reply to  Janet

Me three, or four, or fifty. Why did I do that? I stopped when the now 12 year old called me out on it. Some kids really do see the disordered for what they are. I say sometimes because my other child is now spackling instead of me and I don’t have the heart to blow up his world.

Over and Out
Over and Out
8 years ago
Reply to  Janet

Me, too…

Elizabeth Lee
Elizabeth Lee
8 years ago
Reply to  Janet

I was there, too. I have no idea how many times I told the children that their father MEANT well, he just wasn’t good at expressing it verbally. Or showing it with his actions. The kids recognized the spackle long before I did. Oh, well. The loser is almost completely out of our lives and we are moving forward. It’s been almost exactly 6 years since I kicked him out of the house and we’re healing.

Wren
Wren
8 years ago
Reply to  Elizabeth Lee

If you mean well, you do well. Period.

Informal
Informal
8 years ago
Reply to  Janet

I am right there with you Janet. “He is doing the best he can do.” He proved over and over that he could do worse than before. He was completely absent from our lives and I made excuses. When I stopped and said I was through pretending, he became more outraged. I was just asking myself,” who he gets to blame for his life now?” Then i realized it will probably be me forever or at least until the legal stuff is over and he finds a new victim. The best part is i am caring less these days because he is the loser. I have the kids and we are on our way to a peaceful life.

Rebecca
Rebecca
8 years ago

I truly beloved that he loved me and just needed time to get over the stress from working so hard to give his family a good life.
Working such long hours was so hard for him but he said it was all for his family.
It was asking too much for even a shred of intimacy…a hug, kiss or, God forbid sex.
Then I found out it was a multiple year affair with his law partner. That was all the hard work.
And he was faithful to her.
Believing that he loved me was just a big-assed, industrial-sized bucket of spackle

laurabb2001
laurabb2001
8 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Yes! This exactly!

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
8 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Same spackle. “He neglects us because he’s actually TAKING CARE OF US by working so hard.”

Rebecca
Rebecca
8 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Believed he loved me – not beloved.

Mandie101
Mandie101
8 years ago

He would get me something but never the thing I asked for. It was strange. So of course you know it is the well of course I am grateful for the apples but I did say I wanted pears. It was like a passive aggressive way of never giving me what I wanted. Weird. If he specified something I would get what he specified cause I figure it meant something to him.

ItsAJourney
ItsAJourney
8 years ago
Reply to  Mandie101

Mine too!!! I’ve also come to believe it’s a passive aggressive action. He would buy me something similar, but not quite as good as what I had asked for… and I didn’t ask for much.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
8 years ago
Reply to  Mandie101

Control freak, thy name is Cheater. They get the wrong thing because you wanted something else. Then get pissed when you’re disappointed.

Smart is Hard
Smart is Hard
8 years ago

Amen. Mine never bought me anything significant, mostly books (that he liked) or music (that he liked), claiming that he just didn’t know what to get me. PS I’m a jewelry dealer. I love jewelry. It’s that easy. For 30 years, unless I went out and bought it, nothin. At about year 15, as I was beginning to stress about Christmas, he puts a heavy wrapped box under the tree. It. Was. A. DREMEL. “So you can do repairs!” I am so effin loved. He bitched about my dismissal of his special gift for years. Jerk.

NewlymintedChump
NewlymintedChump
8 years ago
Reply to  Mandie101

Oh yeah. All the time. I think it brings them some of kind of sick satisfaction to see the flash of disappointment on our faces and then watch it switch to spackling. The difference between what I would ask for and what he would give me was always so small that it would have been absurd for me to even voice that I was disappointed. For instance, there is this brand of workout clothes that I love that’s quite pricey and I would see something from there and send him a screenshot saying “Ooooohhhh, I want to buy these shorts soooooo bad! Do you like that style?”. Then as a gift I would get a different pair of shorts by the same brand, or a workout skirt. I would spackle thinking that he just wanted to surprise me and not be so predictable by getting me exactly what I wanted. I used to think “this shit is expensive, why would you waste your money on something you don’t know if I’ll love or not?”

mrsvain
mrsvain
8 years ago

i think they also enjoy the spackle. diablo would always get me the cheaper version of what i asked for. and for most things i am ok with that. i am not a name brand hoarder (unlike him who had to have name brand everything especially shoes). but i did ask for a canon eos rebel t4, it was on sell and i really wanted one. i already had a cheaper digital camera, so it wasnt that i didnt have a camera. i just really wanted that canon…. of course he got me a much cheaper Fujifilm camera. not that i complained, i was just sad that he didnt understand how important it was to me to get the canon camera. my wishes did not matter, but he was going thru the motion as if they mattered. but when it came down to it, he got what he wanted to spend on me and not what i wanted.

i tried really hard to be grateful. i mean i was lucky i got a gift and it was something i liked. i spackled because i didnt want to seem ungrateful. of course that was his excuse….nothing he ever did was good enough for me. really fucked me in the head for a long long time. the real thing is that he always did everything half ass, whether it was giving gifts or fixing the house or working on our relationship. he had no problem spending 100’s of dollars on himself but when it was for me, he just couldnt part with it and had to get the cheaper option. This worked for him for a long time because i was so easy to satisfy and was so undemanding. ironically he still found a way to twist that for his excuse, either i was never happy with what he did or i didnt tell him what i wanted or i was asking too much from him….

i couldnt win no matter what i did. he always had an excuse ready.

Chumpish
Chumpish
8 years ago
Reply to  mrsvain

This is too much – I have a Canon EOS Digital Rebel 300D that I’m trying to sell. I read this post a few days ago, I don’t know why I clicked on it again. I pressed pg. down a few times and landed on your comment. Did you ever get your camera? As a fellow chump you’d receive quite a discount. Hope I don’t get in trouble for this, maybe portion of proceeds to CL?

Not long after being married I found some pretty despicable porn on our computer in the basement. This was the first time I’d ever found anything, and I just couldn’t believe it. I had screened him, letting him know that my first husband became very involved in porn, and I wasn’t going down that dark road again. We had divorced over it. He said it was the neighbor. OK, I believed him. I really loved him, he just wasn’t the type. The 2nd time, it was the neighbor’s brother. I said I believed him, but I didn’t. Was I really supposed to believe that various neighbors were coming over to borrow a cup of sugar and somehow ended up in the basement looking at hunting leases where they released naked women instead of deer? 13 yrs. later, and I’m in hell. How I wish I would have left right then.

Over and Out
Over and Out
8 years ago

I think, too, when they do it to us at a gathering when other people are watching, they know they are setting us for a disappointment and that it will show on our face. Then they later can say, “She was ungrateful.” It’s that intentional twisting of things that they do…

ThatGirl
ThatGirl
8 years ago
Reply to  Over and Out

Yes!

Xwh never got me a present I liked. It was always something expensive, so he could show off in front of family at Christmas.

One year he got me an orange Coach pea coat a size too small. I never wear orange.

Another year he bought me a full length mink coat, in the traditional old lady style. I don’t wear fur or anything that old fashioned. That one kinda backfired on him though. My mom pulled me aside after the present opening and asked what the guilt gift was for.

phoebenix
phoebenix
8 years ago
Reply to  Mandie101

I asked for a kitchen aid mixer for 20 years, every year for Christmas. Finally, that was the only thing I asked for, nothing else. What did I get? I got a food processor. The look on my face was complete disappointment and shock. My kids saw my face and how disappointed I was. My ex was like, I thought you would be excited? I said, I asked for a kitchen aid I didn’t ask for a food processor. I was very specific about what I would like and he took great pains not to give it to me. Oh, the OW, she got everything I asked for – surprise jewelry, thoughtful presents, dinner out. I’m glad he was able to use all of my suggestions, NOT.

ChumpFromF
ChumpFromF
8 years ago
Reply to  Mandie101

IMO it doesn’t mean anything. Long ago there was an American who wanted me badly for real. I told him I did not like red roses. Any color, but not the classic deep red. He got me a bunch of red roses that probably cost him a lot of $$. He was not really listening. He was acting according to a script that the mass media repeat over an over: must-buy-diamond-for-engagement, must-buy-red-roses. The same guy got me a pressure cooker as a Christmas gift (still can’t get over that one). Yet he was kind, shy, and definitely not a cheater. Some people are just not very good at picking gifts.

mrsvain
mrsvain
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpFromF

that is what i thought too. poor poor little sausage NEVER ever could figure out what to buy me for gifts (christmas, birthday, anniversary, vday, mothers day) so he just kept buying me roses. by the end of 14.5 years, i hated roses. i had even asked him once specifically not to buy me roses or any kind of flowers. he also would wait until the day of or the day before to actually go out and buy me something. (i think that was because he was never “sure” i was going to get him something, so he waited until i gave him my card and gift) so that mothers day i asked for anything BUT flowers, he had to “run to the store for milk real quick” and came back with ….you guessed it….half dead flowers WITH roses!!!! my daughter was the one who was shocked and said “oh diablo,,,,,how could you, she specifically asks for not flowers.”

i gave up on getting anything nice from him but all my gifts to him were very nice….i still have those too. well most of them, in my garage.

i USED to think it was becasuse he was just sucked and picking gifts but it actually was that he did not care to put any thought into it.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
8 years ago
Reply to  mrsvain

I used to like receiving flowers. In the few months preceding our separation (initiated by STBX), my STBX started sending me flowers frquently–after he abused me. I started disliking receiving flowers. My mother’s response was, ‘At least he sends you flowers.’ Disturbing on so many levels.

ChumpedtotheMax
ChumpedtotheMax
8 years ago

After my 3rd DDay, Christmas was approaching, I knew about his GF, but he lied and said it was only an emotional affair. We were going to Colorado to ski and a superficial reconciliation (superficial because he was still contacting her unbeknownst to me and our MC) when he gave me this cute stuffed gingerbread doll. I thought it meant he loved me and cared since I really like stuffed animals and dolls. Later, when I found at he was skyping her from our snowy cabin in the woods, I threw the doll out. It was as meaningless as his love for me.

happily never after
happily never after
8 years ago

I got some Waterford martini glasses that are exquisite but I am considering smashing them within the month when D is final. Sad sausage had the worst taste in jewelry that we decided not to give gifts but to do a house project like granite as gifts. On VDay, anniversary, birthday I would get grocery store roses given in haste with a meaningless bump on lips. I found receipts for extravagant and expensive floral arrangements in his cc bill. Imagine that!

Over and Out
Over and Out
8 years ago

Mine was too cheap to buy expensive gifts for anyone but himself! But he sure did keep the grocery store florist in business — picking up those last minute flowers on clearance (you know, the ones that are just beginning to turn brown on the edges)… And that was only if someone reminded him it was my bday or on our anniversary.

NewMeme
NewMeme
8 years ago
Reply to  Over and Out

Mine did this too. I love having flowers in the house, and had a big garden that I would cut them from, or would gather wildflowers. Because the ones from the florist were too expensive, and just died anyway dontcha know……..

He would buy the discards from the gas station or corner store too, always chrysanthemums, which I dislike, and a colour that I didn’t like either. i would always thank him, think, “well, at least he is trying!”, arrange them in a nice vase with what I could find in the garden (because of course there were only three or four scraggly flowers in the bunch). He never bought flowers for anniversaries or holidays or birthdays. I think now it was something to do with him screwing around and that is why it was so random.

I held on to those small gestures and they kept me going for years as I spackled wildly with every excuse I could come up with for his awful treatment of me. What did KarenE say downthread? “But really, he was and is just an asshole.” Yup. There were no excuses necessary, I finally realize.

And now I buy all the flowers that I want at the florist, beautiful hydrangeas and glads and roses. But never chrysanthemums, and never past their prime.

ChumpFromF
ChumpFromF
8 years ago

Not too sure about this story. I do not like jewellery. I do not like all these useless things that all women are expected to like. I do not like clichés. And I cannot stand gold diggers. Buy me a computer over a diamond any time. In the past when he was not a cheater yet, he got me an electric bike, and one of the first flat screens, I am still very thankful for these wonderful gifts. Besides, when burglars attack your home, they are there for two things: money (I never have more than 40e in cash, and never leave cash at home) and jewels. Until someone proves that expensive jewels are prettier than trinkets, I’ll never buy any, and recommend never buying any for me. I would be devastated if I lost them. I want a clear mind, and I love to leave my door open.

Lania
Lania
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpFromF

ChumpFromF: I’m the same way. Practical gifts over useless expensive trinkets any day of the week.
Its partly why I despise Valentine’s day and don’t celebrate it – I’d MUCH prefer to be shown love and care on every day of the year, not on a certain day with overpriced trash that mass media says you MUST buy or you’re a loser. Its all really just one pick me dance trying to outdo others, to be blunt. Ditto the people who get all uppity if they don’t get hundreds, or even thousands, spent for them on that day.

TheClip
TheClip
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpFromF

Chump F …. to each his own! You attach sentiment to a flat screen TV and an electronic bike… Not I. I loved the gift that came outa no where… No holiday or anniversary. I only received a couple of those. One was a locket with my daughters baby picture. The other a rocking chair. The chair that I rocked my baby and nursed her. The chair I sat and read bedtime stories. The chair that was dragged outside to see the stars. Full of dents and stories. Completely mismatched the furniture and style at our home. He sold it at a garage sale when I was at work.

just another chump
just another chump
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

What a lovely POS he is. Please enjoy the memories of that chair because sometimes it’s not the actual chair but the special moments with it that are more important. Hope you have some pictures of you in that chair to look at!

ChumpFromF
ChumpFromF
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Damn ! 🙁

Tessie
Tessie
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpFromF

Evil twit!!!

Lina
Lina
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Oh Clip, what an A-Hole!

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpFromF

Many of us don’t like “traditional” gifts and are thrilled when someone used their creativity and imagination to buy us a gift they think we’d like because they know us. The point CL is making is that this woman TOLD him what she’d like and he never listened. That’s just inconsiderate.

arlo
arlo
8 years ago

I’m starting to kinda think it was ALL Spackle…
But the biggest spackling operation for sure was me covering for his inability to finish his degree (2 classes was all he needed. 2!) and his chronic underemployment. I was all “gender expectations are soooo bogus, a man isn’t defined by his work, blah blah blah”. Him: *crickets*
No, he was just a lazy entitled freeloader, but the last person I wanted to admit that to was myself.

WhatJustHappend
WhatJustHappend
8 years ago
Reply to  arlo

Arlo – I’m with you! Mine is STILL in school and waiting tables at 36…and then claims to others that he “put his schooling and career on hold so he could raise our children.” He was 25 when we met – he already had close to 7 years to finish his degree before he met me…

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
8 years ago
Reply to  arlo

Me too. He was just so sparkly and charismatic when he wasn’t being rude and complaining. He was such a character that I figured I could put up with it because with all his faults, he was at least LOYAL.

LOL. No, turns out he was just an entitled asshole cheater who never helped contribute to our lifestyle.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Moving Liquid

Me, too, ML. Very charming and attentive and romantic when he wasn’t being a critical, overbearing jerk.

The other major spackle–He couldn’t possibly be having affairs when we have 2 children together, knows my views on infidelity, is home for dinner & spends virtually every evening with me, and we are having sex 4 times a week. Foolish me.

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Welcome back, Tempest!

HB#2 was a critical overbearing jerk who could be attentive and charming, but never romantic.

I swear God seared my eyes with hot pokers when I met him then miraculously gave my vision back after our second child was born. I think the Big Guy (God) did this to make sure I had two more beautiful children that belonged in this world and Diablo had the genetic markings necessary for their survival.

If this isn’t the case, it makes for a good story. Otherwise, I have to accept the fact I was a fucking idiot to even look at that loser twice.

SPACKLE: During his rages and verbal attacks on the children or me or both, I would herd the kids into a room to get away from him and say very calmly, “He doesn’t know what he’s saying, he’s mentally ill. Just ignore him”

Believe it or not, it calmed the kids down.

ChumpyElf
ChumpyElf
8 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

I cannot imagine how terrifying it must have been. And of course you would have to spackle that bc it was an illness. Sheesh.

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
8 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

I want to add. No disrespect for anyone who suffers from mental illness. I understand it is a sickness. It was helpful to my children to know that his raging had nothing to do with them but with their father who had an unchecked health issue he refused to address.

KB22
KB22
8 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

Very smart letting the kids know that he was off his rocker and defective. His behavior is on him and no one else is to blame.

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
8 years ago
Reply to  KB22

WhichWay…Keep fighting those “feelings of inadequacy, depression, and feeling defective” They are lies. You are God’s greatest work with a capacity of showing great love and there is nothing more purposeful on this planet. Keep up the good work.

KB22…I knew what you meant. They were either born without a heart or discarded it along the highway of life as a useless emotion.

Tempest…I am sure Diablo and Hannibal would be best of friends because of their similarities. Both of them are a horse’s ass.

KB22
KB22
8 years ago
Reply to  KB22

Let me clarify-I think anyone that abuses anyone or makes them in any way feel humiliated or less than, is defective. Period. This is in no way directed at anyone struggling with personal issues, especially anyone that was a victim of abuse.

WhichWayDidSheGo
WhichWayDidSheGo
8 years ago
Reply to  KB22

Thank you Calamity Jane for your addendum to your original post. I have to admit to a small twitch when I read the original post, but I know your posts well enough to know that no harm was likely meant.

KB22, as someone who fights feelings of inadequacy, depression, and feeling defective, I’d urge to pick your words more carefully.

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
8 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

Along with an unchecked dick issue…asshole.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

And an unchecked character disorder…and an unchecked empathy module…and an unchecked theory of mind….

Since Diablo & my Hannibal Lecher were so similar, it continues to amaze me that they both fathered amazing children. Their genes must have been phenotypically suppressed.

(Thanks–good to be back!)

NoWire
NoWire
8 years ago

Well, my ex husband was working part-time at a video rental store. I stopped by unexpectedly with our little daughters. Now this video store had one bathroom with one toilet in it and it was unisex. I couldn’t find him in the video store. Then he comes out of the one toilet bathroom with a woman! I immediately think, “OMG! He is cheating on me. He was just having sex with this customer in the bathroom at his job.” And he indeed was. I later found the email where she was panicky and then relieved that I didn’t catch on. But I looked at her. She was a good 10 years older than me and had a good 100 pounds on me and I was young and blonde and pregnant with our third daughter and I spackled the hell out of that scenario. I said to myself, “That customer probably got some paper towel thing stuck and she called to him and he went in there to help her with it and the store swung shut behind the both of them and that’s why that customer’s face is bright red and her head is hanging low and she’s making a bee line for the door And I’ll just embarrass her more if I saw anything.” Spackle Spackle spackle

not Juliet
not Juliet
8 years ago
Reply to  NoWire

NoWire, more proof that Cheaters will fuck ANYTHING, no matter what it is or looks like.

WhichWayDidSheGo
WhichWayDidSheGo
8 years ago

I accepted the narrative that I was the only sick one in our relationship. She was the healthy adult I should emulate and I was the depressed person who didn’t work hard enough at escaping my mental issues. Anything that went wrong did so because of how hard I made life by being depressed.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
8 years ago

I was also blamed for marriage’s demise because I struggle with anxiety and was depressed back then. Funny how my being afraid to fly is some sort of major flaw, but his fucking everyone who would hold still long enough was apparently okay.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

LOL, GladIO–your “his fucking everyone who would hold still long enough” brings to mind images of the cartoon skunk Pepe Le Pew always trying to hug his love interest (a cat), who was struggling to get away.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
8 years ago

I was eight months pregnant with our third son, crying in my counselor’s office because, “I have it all and I’m just not happy.” After learning that my husband avoided any kind of intimacy or sex, treated me like the help, didn’t work, and we had a child on the autism spectrum that my husband refused to accept, and four aging parents with significant health issues, my counselor told me I wasn’t crazy; I was carrying the burden of not one mentally ill person (my sweet son), but two (husband).

I showed her; I never went back. I was after all, the spackle queen.

newchumpatl
newchumpatl
8 years ago

Mine said the SAME thing WWDSG.. don’t believe it. It’s just more gaslighting and mental abuse. You don’t abandon a partner who has cancer do you? Same is true for depression or anxiety.. and YES, they would be lessened if you had a partner that did their part.

sara
sara
8 years ago
Reply to  newchumpatl

“You don’t abandon a partner who has cancer do you?” Oh but they do. Mine did. Still “my insomnia was the reason the marriage failed.” I gotta’ say the cancer comparison makes me uncomfortable.

WhichWayDidSheGo
WhichWayDidSheGo
8 years ago
Reply to  newchumpatl

I appreciate the comparison to cancer. I made the same comparison to a friend, and he said that it would probably depend on how I handled the cancer. So, it’s not enough to be struggling with an illness, you have to throw in the need to impress your S.O. with your efforts at fighting it.

There were many times over the years when I thanked her for her loving support and then when she was leaving me she threw it all back in my face. I thought she had been acting out of love; she portrayed it as if she’d acted out of an obligation that she was sick of fulfilling.

I understand that we don’t owe our lives to anyone and that it’s up to an individual as to whether or not they want to devote their life to being with someone who is sick. Understanding it doesn’t make being abandoned any easier.

newchumpatl
newchumpatl
8 years ago

I think the bottom line is these people don’t take their marriage vows that seriously…you don’t get MARRIED and then abandon someone when the going gets tough.. especially if that person is willing to work on themselves and the relationship. Romantic love feelings come and go but marriage is supposed to be on a different plane. Not that CL’s point about keeping things fresh isn’t a good one, it is, we all need to do that. But affairs and “the grass is greener” thinking can’t be compared to the real life of a committed family and partnership.

I think most of these cheaters do it because they want to. Not because of FOO, or Opportunity, or something their spouses did.. they do it because they are entitled, selfish and they don’t care how it affects others. Their needs are first. That’s what it comes down to. They lack the integrity to live up to the promises they made.

Lina
Lina
8 years ago
Reply to  newchumpatl

^^This!^^

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
8 years ago
Reply to  Lina

Like!

Other Kat
Other Kat
8 years ago
Reply to  newchumpatl

Oh man, straight out of the playbook. Mine also said nothing could ever make me happy and when I pointed out that in a healthy relationship, spouses try to support each other through periods of unhappiness and depression, not abandon them emotionally and physically. His response? “I don’t ‘do’ depression.”

WhichWayDidSheGo
WhichWayDidSheGo
8 years ago
Reply to  Other Kat

Wow. I’m so sorry that you had to hear that. I was told basically the same thing, but not so explicitly. What an ass.

Other Kat
Other Kat
8 years ago

Thanks, WWDSG, it is amazing the things they’ll say out loud and not even think twice about. Of course years later when he went through his feigned depression over being forced to give up his hobbies because of me, I was expected to pretzel twist my way around doing whatever I could to help him out of his sad sausage “funk.”

NewlymintedChump
NewlymintedChump
8 years ago

When I was in my last year of school, I went on antidepressants. My ex kept shoving that in my face throughout the devaluation stage “I gave you everything and tried so hard to make you happy!! And you were never happy!! You were DEPRESSED!”. As if being depressed is this disgusting thing that was not only within my control, but also his. Looking back I don’t even think it was depression, just some serious stress, but I had been off antidepressants for at least six months at the time he was saying this and I was actually really happy (and still am) because I am done with school and can actually start and live my life!! Just goes to show that they’ll dig for any excuse for their bad behavior.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago

How does one NOT get depressed when one is living with a monster who is emotionally abusive (usually covertly), and who cares not one whit about our feelings? Depression in such circumstances is adaptive.

Lina
Lina
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Yeah, you know I was thinking the other day that I was doing pretty well before I met him. I had a good job at an insurance co. and a part time small business. I’d just bought a new car. Lots of friends and hobbies, traveling. It wasn’t until we were married awhile that I really needed meds for my anxiety. Coincidence maybe, but I wonder. He shit on all my hobbies and friends. His family treated me like crap and he’d never take my side.

WWDSG, yes I always felt inferior and had to make it up to him because I had anxiety. It sucks.

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
8 years ago

Me too, WWDSG. Because I was diagnosed with some mental health disorders it was so easy for it all to be my fault. And his ego was so enormous (especially when you consider he couldn’t hold a job or contribute to paying for bills) but somehow I still felt as though I was the only sick one in the relationship.

Lina
Lina
8 years ago
Reply to  Moving Liquid

Me too. I have always had generalised anxiety disorder. Oh how he “suffered” because of that, even though he fought me on trying meds. I did try them and they worked wonderfully. I might have anxiety but he was the one who was REALLY f’d up. And at least I admitted to my anxiety and worked on it.

I applied major spackle when he started “with-holding” and wouldn’t discuss it or seek help (same with his ED). It was him being tired from working nights. It was stress. He would do something at some point or at least address it. He finally made a doctor appointment and I thought “at last”. Nope. He walked out shortly after. I think he got Viagra for OW.

ChumpyElf
ChumpyElf
8 years ago
Reply to  Lina

After posting plenty of snarky comments about Asshat’s ED and reading other peoples’ stories, I can only assume ED is about as common as cheating. Asshat would NEVER discuss the ED but was happy to go cheat. Probably with his stash of viagra and Cialis.

Beth
Beth
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpyElf

Here is another Chump with a cheater that had ED. Geez I cannot believe I am reading the same things I had to deal with the ex with your comments. I have read some place that it comes to something with their brains and certain hormones that are very common with these Personality Disorder individuals. I cannot recall the details of what I read but it is another interesting issue with these individuals. Also with the ex it started when he was very young.

HeLovesMeHeLovesMeNot
HeLovesMeHeLovesMeNot
8 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Hi Beth…Reading these posts about ED really hit home with me. I discovered his cheating in May, but suspected for quite awhile, but yep, I spackled with the best of them. He hadn’t touched me in over a year and a half ( which now I’m grateful for ) but I was always finding him on porn sites. I tried everything I could to talk to him about it, he knew it was depressing me and what it was doing to my self-esteem, trust, etc. He blamed it on being over stressed and tired from work. He’s almost 61. The other day as I was cleaning out his crap from his bathroom I found tucked way in the back on the bottom shelf his stash of over the counter male enhancer pills ( box of 40 but 28 had been taken ) and two empty bottles of Viagra. I’ve since discovered that he’s been quite active in the escort services and strip clubs. $400/hr for the hookers who are 10 yrs younger than our kids. Yeah…he was “over-worked” alright. My greatest joy will be when all the pills in the world won’t help to get it up anymore.

Reformednumpty
Reformednumpty
8 years ago
Reply to  Beth

This is very interesting Beth. My cheater had the same problem and if hes’s to be believed it started at an early age and occurred with all his partners.

Beth
Beth
8 years ago
Reply to  Reformednumpty

Hi Reformednumpty, Yes I found it very interesting. Also I read that they (PD) have high amounts of Cortisol levels also. The more I read the physical and the mental side of Personality Disorders the more I’m finding the answers to the questions about the ex. Hopefully there will be more types of studies like this in years to come. Maybe this will help us chumps in our healing process. I know it has helped me out. Still no excuse for this monsters!!!!!

crushed
crushed
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpyElf

I wonder if ED is really them being faithful to someone else…I plan a trip to Palm Springs, and first thing he says when we enter the hotel room is that he needs to be back for a ‘meeting’ at work the next afternoon. Odd he didn’t tell me sooner, but OK, I say, we’ll leave early. Next thing is that I initiate what I think will be our first sexual activity of the trip and he ends up masturbating in front of me instead of having actual contact. He was ‘tired’, it was the only thing he could manage…
This was several years ago and I only recently figured this one out, after reading stories here.

moving forward
moving forward
8 years ago
Reply to  crushed

Yes! ED is a result of their cheating (if there are no medical reasons & they are under age 45).

I had forgotten I had spackled over my EX’s ED and internalized it as me being old and fat. I was only 38!

ChumpyElf
ChumpyElf
8 years ago
Reply to  moving forward

He was probably having issues with the plumbing by the age of 30 or even earlier. As a physician, he should have been worried. I understand it would be a sensitive issue but apparently he spackled over that one all on his own. He was stressed out, everyone picked on him, work partners were crazy, patients were rude, the computers are running slow…. Now well into his 40s he is still having plumbing issues but now they’re bc I am not paying attention to him, all of the above and anything else he can think of. Grow up! The day after his diabetes diagnosis, he walked up to me and casually said, “I hope the nerve damage isn’t permanent.” Could be his hearing loss he is concerned about or the once in a blue moon hand tingling but I think he was referring to the ED. Freaking genius. As for me, I’m not all that fussed. I’m never getting near his broken plumbing again.

ChumpyElf
ChumpyElf
8 years ago
Reply to  crushed

He tried to not only blame me but send me to get checked out bc there was something wrong with me. His ED was likely due to diabetes but he used it as an excuse to heap everything on me. If i were sparklier, he could have got/kept it up. Ha.

ChumpyElf
ChumpyElf
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpyElf

I’m sure in his disordered little brain, Florence is awesome bc he could get it up but I bet he forgot about the pills….

Other Kat
Other Kat
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpyElf

Unbelievable, ChumpyElf. Mine first tried to blame a medication he was on, then when I looked it up and noted that ED is not among the many other reported side-effects, he took to blaming my depression and his stress, and then finally just me.

Over and Out
Over and Out
8 years ago
Reply to  crushed

I’m with you, SarBear. I like to think their ED is part of Karma!!! I got blamed for his problem “down there” too!!! The fact he drank like a fish had nothing to do with it. LOL

Other Kat
Other Kat
8 years ago
Reply to  crushed

Yep, his rejection of vacation sex should have been a clue. Not to mention finding his tablet wrapped in towels and hidden away in a bathroom cabinet at the lake house we were staying in, which explained his long, early morning showers with the door locked shut. But no, like yours he was too tired and too stressed from work to have sex on vacation.

LadyStrange
LadyStrange
8 years ago
Reply to  Other Kat

Oh that is funny Other Kat – My stbx decided to recycle MY laptop and buy himself a new one. A new one with A LOCK on it….go figure. One day i found it between the wall and my cedar chest in the bedroom. Had I not needed something from out of the chest, I would never of found it. Why would anyone need to hide a laptop between a wall a cedar chest? Cheaters I suppose would need to….

ChumpyElf
ChumpyElf
8 years ago
Reply to  Other Kat

Ew!

Other Kat
Other Kat
8 years ago
Reply to  Lina

Same here. I accepted responsibility for his “depression,” which manifested itself in him giving up all of his favorite hobbies because engaging in them (without me, despite repeated attempts to join him) made me too resentful for him to enjoy them anymore, when in fact I had been spackling the hell out of his need to spend early mornings, late evenings, and most weekend days at the various athletic clubs around town that he belonged to and barely uttered a word of protest. Later, of course, I found out that he gave up the club circuit because people were beginning to gossip and his image management efforts were under threat.

WhichWayDidSheGo
WhichWayDidSheGo
8 years ago
Reply to  Moving Liquid

Were you treated like you should appreciate him simply putting up with you? I definitely was, like her even lowering herself to be with me was doing me a favor that I should go overboard to repay. I sometimes think she looked at me as charity work, and the biggest crock is that at the time I would have agreed with her.

ChumpFromF
ChumpFromF
8 years ago

The depression / burnout of their partner seems to be an excellent excuse to our cheaters. Depression / burnout happen because we continue working hard despite a nasty environment. It’s a sign that we are sensitive and full of good will and responsibility. Maybe if the cheaters had done their part of the work there would be no depression. But cheaters explain the situation as mental illness. Despicable indeed.

nodancing
nodancing
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpFromF

It was one of my cheater’s excuses too. I was depressed, according to him.

Kristen
Kristen
8 years ago

I am a spackling professional with 20+ years of experience. Every time STBX hurt me and I explicitly asked for an apology and he flatly refused to give me one, I told myself it was because he came from an undemonstrative family. Every time he refused to acknowledge me until I was either crying or shouting, I assured myself that all men are bad listeners. And every time he acted like an entitled, selfish asshat, I reminded myself that he was a good man doing the best he could with the resources he had.

However, my spackle masterpiece happened two days after I found out about the cheating. Having seen me crumple onto the floor, having listened to me sob all night, and knowing that I was throwing up every few hours, Cheater informed me that he and OWhore were going to spend one last glorious night together in a nearby hotel because they needed “closure.” AND I GAVE MY PERMISSION!!! Because, after all, he was coming back to me which proved he must really love me best, and because the poor sausage was making such a huge sacrifice on my behalf. How could I deny two people who truly loved each other one last goodbye before they parted forever?

I really wish there had been someone around to smack me with a shovel attachment. Sigh…

Stephanie
Stephanie
8 years ago
Reply to  Kristen

What’s that quote?

If you have to choose between me and someone else–pick the other person.

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
8 years ago
Reply to  Kristen

I did that too. He told me he was going to take the OW “out to lunch” to say goodbye. I listened to him as he told me they cried together and he “thanked her for saving our marriage.”

I felt so proud of myself because he “was choosing me.” Go ahead Kristen give me the ole wack with the shovel attachment.

donna
donna
8 years ago
Reply to  cheaterssuck

They make it sound so convincing. X gave me the same shit and I found his car at her new apartment a week later.

Marci
Marci
8 years ago
Reply to  donna

One of my ex cheaters took the OW out to dinner to “say goodbye” too. I did not accept it gracefully. He responded with “I don’t do jealousy”. Gaslighting at its finest in my book. It didn’t help that the only reason I knew about their meetup was that an acquaintance mentioned she saw them having dinner at a local restaurant. Then I checked his texts, and sure enough there was a “and I think about you too” message he sent to her the day after. I also strongly suspect they had one last sex session, since her message to him was “last night proved that I still love you”. What dorks. She was making a major play to get him back and he was lapping up the cake. He was so indignant when I dumped him…apparently my belief in fidelity amounts to jealousy in a cheater’s mind. As far as I know, that guy is still single and playing poor sausage to his extended family.

The OW was already with another guy at the time. Wish I’d had his name to enlighten him.

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
8 years ago
Reply to  Kristen

Me three. That shovel attachment would have come in handy after all.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
8 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

My sister once asked me, “Why do you keep handing [X] the shovel to bury you?”

I think of that question often when I’m giving any kind of information to him. It helps me keep brief and factual; nothing more.

17yearsofChump
17yearsofChump
8 years ago
Reply to  Kristen

So needed that laugh today. I’m trying to reconcile so I need the shovel attachment daily!

donna
donna
8 years ago
Reply to  17yearsofChump

There comes the day when they have enough of getting caught. I regret not having had enough after the first time.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Kristen

I’m so sorry, Kristen.

Being a compassionate person is not a crime; we all wish someone had hit us with a shovel attachment at least once. No, twice. No, ……

mermaiddani
mermaiddani
8 years ago

My ex, after multiple d-days and fake reconciliations, got my name tattooed in big, bold letters on his back. Everyone thought it was this big, romantic gesture. I knew it was a product of his guilt. Then, he bought me a handgun for Christmas that same year. (I hate guns. I don’t mind other people owning them, but I’m petrified of them, myself.) He bought me a handgun in December, and the following February, I discovered yet another affair. As he was begging me not to leave him and refusing to pay his full child support obligation and professing his love for me, he got my name tattooed over.

We’re now divorced, needless to say.

newchumpatl
newchumpatl
8 years ago
Reply to  mermaiddani

Horrible story, but I am with ca-chump… how dumb is it for a guy who is CHEATING to buy his wife guns? He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer, is he?

HeLovesMeHeLovesMeNot
HeLovesMeHeLovesMeNot
8 years ago
Reply to  newchumpatl

LOL!! Mine did too!! Just a few months before D-day he buys me this .45 with enough ammo to make DHS jealous. Then the night I confronted him, he raged and stormed out of the house WITH the gun. Told my son it was “for my protection”. Uh huh, right. That little act of thoughtfulness was what got the police to have me issue an order of protection against him.

ca-chump
ca-chump
8 years ago
Reply to  mermaiddani

Maybe he was feeling so guilty he was hoping you’d shoot him.

LadyStrange
LadyStrange
8 years ago
Reply to  ca-chump

HAHAHAHAHA!

Nord
Nord
8 years ago
Reply to  mermaiddani

I so want to know how bad that tattoo re-do is.

mermaiddani
mermaiddani
8 years ago
Reply to  Nord

LOL! I’ve never actually seen it. My son told me that it is a Harley emblem. It had to be pretty bad because my name was in huge letters from shoulder to shoulder on his upper back…in black.

Over and Out
Over and Out
8 years ago
Reply to  mermaiddani

I hope it hurt like a motherf***er to get that re-do!!!! 🙂

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  mermaiddani

What a jerk, mermaiddani. But it wasn’t guilt; it was fear of consequences (his subsequent actions prove he has no sense of guilt).

Informal
Informal
8 years ago

You didn’t have to give permission. He was probably going to do it anyway. If not that night, then another one.
I feel I spackled the entire relationship too. He is so disordered that he will never know what he did to his life, wife, and kids.

Beth
Beth
8 years ago

Chump Lady please tell your husband he is not a “pussy”. He went (and you) had hell of ex’s and now you have the type of peace that you can be your real selves. I, myself had the same hell of an ex’s and now I am remarried to the same kind of man you wrote that read “Chicken Soul for Couples”. I never ever expected that I would remarry and never thought I would have so much peace with another person. Your husband is just down to earth a real person. Well that is what I get from what you have written about him. He is a normal human being. That is what I have also. Sounds like you both have peace between each other. A nice grown up relationship and friendship. That is all we want. We want to be able to just be ourselves and that is what you have between each other you can just BE!!!!! Simple but it is very hard to find. I’m so happy you both have that for each other. I hope you send that message to him.

Oh btw tell your hubby that my hubby cooks (he is an outstanding cook), he cleans the entire house many times I don’t even say a thing and it’s done when I get home, does the washing, the best handyman in the world, very smart, and he makes me laugh with his wicky sense of humour (I must say I have a wicky sense of humor). Now is our marriage perfect hell no. We have had our ups and downs but NOTHING I mean like I had with the ex. The ups and downs we have had are just normal type of ups and downs. We support each other. Most of all we like being around each other and I have a friendship with my hubby now. It sounds like you have that also.

So your husband and you are very lucky to have each other with the abuse you both had with your exs. Tell him thank you for supporting you with this blog and I know you have written about his ex many times also and I thank him for that. I’m so sorry you both had to deal with such abuse. Thank you for helping us also Chump Lady. I hope you know how much we love you both.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
8 years ago
Reply to  Beth

“He is a normal human being. That is what I have also. Sounds like you both have peace between each other. A nice grown up relationship and friendship. That is all we want.”

YES. I am still dating Nice Guy, it’s almost two years now. We’re talking about moving in together. While he is far from perfect, and has a fair amount of FOO issues, he is so NORMAL. He is a grownup. He tolerates my quirks as I tolerate his. He does not make me feel “less than” or boring or a low priority. I feel like we are a team, something I never once felt with my ex. While I fear I will always have some trust issues and baggage from my nightmare marriage, I can just be myself with Nice Guy. It is so refreshing after my ex.

Beth
Beth
8 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

GladIt’sOver, I can fully relate how you feel. I have the same feeling as you do. I think most of my healing and overcoming trust issues from anyone is educating myself about Personality Disorders and really breaking down my marriage, and also seeing that I others in my life that have these disorders. It takes time but I think we are more aware now. It is so good that there are places like Chump Lady site to help us see what the truth is. Also there are good people out there.

Beth
Beth
8 years ago
Reply to  Beth

*that I had others….

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

I’m so happy that you’re now happy! Best wishes to you, friend.

Patsy
Patsy
8 years ago
Reply to  Beth

I wish that Mr CL could be cloned.

Mr. Chump Lady
Mr. Chump Lady
8 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Thanks for your kind words, Beth. I think you pretty much nailed what it’s like to experience a “gown up” relationship after suffering through a dysfunctional nightmare with a serial cheater. So glad you found a good guy, a safe place to be yourself, and happiness.

Beth
Beth
8 years ago
Reply to  Mr. Chump Lady

sorry for the misspelled word of wicky and should have been wicked. ha! You are most welcome Mr. Chump Lady. Yes, I found a safe place to be a normal and quiet boring person. I like boring. Boring is my friend!!!!! ha!

Beth
Beth
8 years ago

OK for the sparkle about the ex same old mess new engagement ring, new wedding band, necklaces, pearls, earrings. Some of bullshit stuff they all do. None of it had meaning to me. He was just doing that to be a show off. He would give me the items in front of my family or his. I just would look at it and just empty inside. Also a new computer and desk that I wanted. New home furniture. Stuff like that. It would piss me off because we needed to pay the bills but he wanted to buy my love I guess. So sad. So happy that is not my life now.

Beth
Beth
8 years ago
Reply to  Beth

*sorry spackle not sparkle. ha!

Chumpette
Chumpette
8 years ago
Reply to  Beth

actually isn’t it interesting how close SPARKLE and SPACKLE are in chump nation? when they stopped sparkling for us, we started spackling.. but that was because we thought they were actually normal! like we are.

Beth
Beth
8 years ago
Reply to  Chumpette

Very true, Chumpette. I did have many red flags during the many, many, many years with the ex. I could never wrap my head around why he did or acted a certain way. Guess what I did with those red flags yeppers I spackled the hell of it. There is so many things that I can recall with how he reacted or how he would deal with things well more not dealing with things and run away. I swear to god he would start some disagreement with me every damn week just to have some attention. I can recall many times I told him he would never be happy. Plus he always started some type of trouble between his family and friends and all he would do is laugh this evil laugh. Also when we were around young kids per our families having kids and we would be playing some type of sport or video game and he had to win. I mean the look in his face was the devil itself. He would not let a small kid win. Myself I don’t have this type of thought process. Everything in the ex’s life was a competition. There are so many more things that it is hard to explain but now I fully understand why he did what he did. Just a note I am NOT giving that jackass an excuse in any shape or form but now I know why. He has a mental illness, a disorder. There is no way he can be “cured” of it. He is the OW’s problem now. Good luck to her! Not my circus, not my monkeys!!!!!!

arlo
arlo
8 years ago
Reply to  Chumpette

Good catch!

unicornomore
unicornomore
8 years ago
Reply to  Beth

OWs fiance was a high end jeweler and my nowdeadhusband wanted to buy me a diamond and have her fiance get it for him – lets all vomit together. I said I would sooner set a piece of dog poop in wire and wear that over her “getting me” anything

sassiernow
sassiernow
8 years ago

For some ungodly reason, in the sparkling summer of his affair, he bought HIMSELF a new wedding ring for our anniversary.

Go figure.

expatChump
expatChump
8 years ago
Reply to  sassiernow

Triangulation. Bet the OW danced real pretty for him based on that one.

Settie
Settie
8 years ago
Reply to  expatChump

Boom.Exactly.

STBUnchumped
STBUnchumped
8 years ago
Reply to  sassiernow

Nice touch 🙂

Lania
Lania
8 years ago

With my last relationship I spent roughly 10 months being stonewalled – if I said something that pissed him off in the slightest – he’d go silent or disappear for days at a time, which gradually got longer. And it was severely walking on eggshells trying to think of topics that WOULDN’T piss him off or make him give me the silent treatment. Even mundane topics would result in this – one example I can give, was the time when I said I was considering learning his native tongue. I was interested in doing so, so that I’d have a greater appreciation of his roots, and also broaden my horizons a bit. His response? “Why? Thats useless” and then proceeded to spend the next 2 days ignoring me.

My spackle-time is this: For a while, I actually thought “He just needs some time to recharge without resorting to verbal abuse”. And then I considered “His father is extremely abusive, maybe this is his way to deal with stuff, he probably feels trapped?”

Yeah. Right. After 10 months, he disappeared for nearly 3 weeks and that was the straw which broke the camel’s back. He returned, 2 days before I was going on a 2 week holiday which I would have no contact with the outside world or himself, and in that moment I realised that his behaviour was really quite delibrate – and that likely, a lot of things I had been told would most likely be a lie.
Even through all of this – I do wish him well – however, I don’t want him to be anywhere near me ever again. That stuff is EXTREMELY mentally tiring. Fortunately, after I cut off contact, he sent me a single message at Christmastime about 6 months after this occurred, and nothing since.
Its really a breath of fresh air when you end up, later on, being in company of someone who doesn’t pull that sort of stuff, and respects you for exactly who you are.

STBUnchumped
STBUnchumped
8 years ago

I believed that the time I caught my STBX in the back of a car with another guy (and her bra off between them) was the first time they’d met. My wife took six months of separation to relieve me of that spackle… I’ve had to clear away a lot of spackle since then and am now creating some healthy boundaries to avoid donning the spackle tinted spectacles in future relating…

Sasha Fierce
Sasha Fierce
8 years ago

Definitely that he must ‘really care’ because he never left me. But now I understand that that’s just the joy of having your cake and eating it! Between me being a great wife and his girlfriends on the side, why would he? His life was just dandy and leaving me would have been a major inconvenience to his lifestyle/kibbles etc!

taniarochelle
taniarochelle
8 years ago

Um, I got a sander for my birthday.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
8 years ago
Reply to  taniarochelle

Taniarochelle, that’s right up there with the box of copy paper — stolen from work — he gave me one Christmas morning.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  taniarochelle

I can think of a good use for that sander….

Roberta
Roberta
8 years ago
Reply to  taniarochelle

Whoa! You have to be shitting me! I’d have punched him!

TheClip
TheClip
8 years ago

Spackling? My second career. I had a patch kit, Magic trowel and spackle in every color. There were no spackle lines… It was a seamless repair. i would check from a distance for any teltales… A dimple? A offset line… Nada. I was a fucking pro.

Erbrown83@gmail.com
Erbrown83@gmail.com
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

THIS!!! I was a pro! I could talk myself into ANYTHING! Oh he needs to go to the bathroom with his phone for the 4th time in two hours and the toilet never flushed- well he did have two beers at dinner! Oh he is sleeping with his phone under the pillow again- well at least it won’t fall on the floor! After DDay like 4 and going on fake reconciliation pick me dance parade AGAIN he said to me one night “Don’t you think there is a reason I could never leave you”! Awe it is so considerate of him to cheat time and time again with the 23 yr old HOworker… but he can’t bear to leave me! I took that and made it into a shiny crystal glittered Spackled piece of shit that it was and that sentence alone kept me going…until DDay #5…

ChumpFromF
ChumpFromF
8 years ago

Good lord… the amount of things we put up with…

Other Kat
Other Kat
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpFromF

For years I spackled the hell out of his need to go to extreme and increasingly ridiculous lengths to hide and password protect his technology, which no one in the family was allowed to even look at sideways without him walking off with it in a huff. My favorite was that I believed he needed to log in and out of his computer each time to protect the life of the battery and that he couldn’t share his password because of security precautions at work, like he was James Bond or something.

No worries, though, if I ever needed the password in the event that, say, he up and died and I had to get into our financial accounts (which I stupidly let him manage believing his delusions about how good he is with money. NOT), I could find it stored in an envelope in his locked metal briefcase, which he also took with him everywhere he went and I did not have the key to. When I pointed this out he lied about where I could find the extra hidden key.

To my credit, that’s when I finally started to see the cracks in the spackle and searched for the key in one of the many hiding places throughout the house he didn’t know I knew about and waited until he forgot to take the briefcase with him on an out-of-town trip. Sure enough, there was no envelope with his password in his James Bond briefcase (though there was cash stashed away). By then I had started to put the pieces together and sat on that information until it came out during an argument just before I filed and demanded access to all of our accounts, not letting him know that I’d managed to set up online access myself. I just wanted to bust him and see how he would respond.

Cue dead-eyed stare. “Now you’re just making shit up. That’s just fucking crazy, you can get into my computer any time and the only reason I ever need to hide things is because you’ll go snooping and use some innocent email to accuse me of having an affair.” You really can’t make this shit up but I’m betting anyone who reads this could have predicted his response. Crazy making!

One Step at a Time
One Step at a Time
8 years ago
Reply to  Other Kat

Other Kat,

I spackled that phone and computer hidden password shit like a professional. I bought the line that there was “sensitive” information from work on this phone and/or computer that couldn’t “get into the wrong hands”. What a load of shit…this isn’t the CIA!! BUT there was sensitive information on those devices about work…the fact he was f***ing a married coworker.

I also spackled over the financials. I stupidly let him handle all of the accounts. (I know, I know…can you say chump?). When I was at the AT&T store (where I was trying to untangle my life without passwords), I am not sure if the young, single girl helping me really appreciated my heads up lecture about not ever letting anyone take control your finances…NEVER.

Glad we both finally saw the cracks in the spackle. You are so right about his response…you just can’t make this shit up!!!

ca-chump
ca-chump
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Same here. I could smooth to perfection despite regular earthquakes registering 10 on the Richter scale. I could pretty things up so well noone ever noticed the rotten house set on a rotten foundation built on landfill.

ANC
ANC
8 years ago

A few Christmases before DDay, he gifted me a knife sharpener. In front of all of his family and our kids. How the hell do you react to THAT? Mind you, I am not a chef, a cooking hobbyist or a ninja. However, I had honed my spackling techniques to precision. So I simply smiled and of course, modeling good behavior to my kids, I said thanks without grimacing with disappointment.

I had spent YEARS in quiet disappointment that this guy still knew nothing about me. Never once did he gift anything that indicated he knew my likes, dislikes or hobbys. It was never about cost or size of the gifts, just knowledge that he understood me and wanted to support the various things that make me tick.

The sharpener is a reminder that my back stabbing cheater could sharpen his daggers in plain sight with me none the wiser. That year, via cc receipt sleuthing, I also discovered he had gifted his decade long MOW a LV dog carrier bag.

ANC
ANC
8 years ago
Reply to  ANC

My response was a bit off topic. I always told him I had his back and let him know I was capable of managing the home front while he toiled as a road warrior to drive sales for his employer and support his family.

He was never present during the dirty part of being a family and raising kids. He never took the kids to doctor or dentist appointments, never did laundry, never found contractors for home repairs, never negotiated new mortgage rates, never transferred utilities between cross country moves, never located and established new bank accounts, never found babysitters, never arranged date nights, never organized entertainment with friends,never did a fucking thing related to all of the tedious things couples do that aren’t the sexy, FUN!!!! He just sat there and still sits there expecting to be served like a fucking prince.

I spackled the shit out of my life to compensate. I never realized how stressful this was until I stopped after DDAY.

What’s truly strange is that all of the fucking traditions that I created for us as a couple, he initiated with his MOW. AS IF HE THOUGHT OF THIS THINGS ON HIS OWN. I’m taking every single one of them back, and it’s been good.

KarenE
KarenE
8 years ago
Reply to  ANC

ANC, I have two theories about this stuff;

– They go off and do the EXACT same stuff with the new partners that we did with them, because they aren’t actually human, so don’t know how to act human, but have to hide it, or the new person might catch on! The activities we planned, the places we went, these are a template for them to fake having a life.

Alternately, they enjoyed the things we did with them, so will continue to enjoy them, as long as they have any suitably admiring kibble provider along. Swap you out, swap them in, same dif!

And of course, the two theories are not incompatible.

Little Mighty Me
Little Mighty Me
8 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

KarenE, you are very astute. I was married before I met Cheaterpants Dickface, and my ex-husband was not a cheater. But he did lack that certain “human” ability to be…well, you know…human! It was not something I realized during the whole length of the marriage ( we chumps are chumps, after all), but it came to me long after we were divorced. Some people just don’t know how to act like people. They are 2D instead of 3D…human emulators with zero real depth. My ex and I didn’t have an acrimonious divorce, so we stayed semi-friends, and I even met a few of his (mostly short term) girlfriends.

He had been dating around a long while, and finally met someone with whom he got serious. He started taking her to the same places we had gone together. Then they started traveling together, and he would plan trips for them with identical itineraries to ones I had planned carefully while we were together. Then she told me his pet name for her, and it turned out to be the pet name he had for me when we were together. Which made ZERO sense, because it wasn’t the common “sweetheart,” “babe,” or even “pookie” or “buttercup.” It was actually a real name (Sabrina), which had started due to a very INSIDE joke the two of us had shared in the beginning relationship – one of those jokes no one else gets but the two of you. He actively tried to get her to pursue interests I had always had, like horses, dogs, go-karting and dance. He bought her books I had read and enjoyed. He eventually bought her an engagement ring, which was (you guessed it!) almost a clone of the one I had worn. Then he married her at the same venue we had been married, ON our wedding anniversary, because (I quote) “It will be easy for me to remember.”

It’s so creepy when I write it out like that. They are still together, and she doesn’t know any of this.

Finally realized
Finally realized
8 years ago

Same here. It helps to read all of these accounts of the templates.

It has been such a shocking phenomena to me, so freaky and so incredibly hurtful. How to understand it? It helps to see that it’s just another almost common behavior among the disordered.

He took everything that was personal to us, evolved nicknames that were connected to certain moments between us, our little traditions, the same settings, benches, menu items! from the same places, private jokes (once he explained them to her), my favorite music which he learned about from me, the songs which he associated with me, and gave everything to her. Our Song! became theirs, my nickname became hers, he even was in the process in his delusional head of preparing the way to give her my best friends!

She had their photographs (which I had taken or which had me edited out) and knew all about their place in the country, their pets’ names and quirks, and was briefed on many of our anecdotes and fun memories between we four. Through the stories he shared with her, she became included in the scene in a sense, which was what he wanted. She would refer to them knowingly in texts and emails, and enjoy it all with him.

Only thing she didn’t know was that he knew them through me…He thought that once the discard was complete, which he was trying to cause by increasing the friction and fighting between us, that it would look like a mutual break up, and then he could work her into the picture. And his charm would ensure that my best friends would want to keep him in their world, too. Ha. Delusional to say the least. I’ve never told them all of this. They hate him enough already.

As soon as I told him a funny joke or interesting news story, he would hop on the computer and relay it to her or send her the link.

And he tried during fake R to take me to the place where he first met her, not knowing that I knew the history there, just to get his jollies, seeing me there and thinking I was in the dark. That power zing thing that he is so addicted to. The series of secrets that made him feel superior.

He also tried to take me back to all of the places that had been ripped from me, attempting to recycle my former jewels back to me. Nope. Keep all that shit at the pawn shop. It doesn’t sparkle anymore.

TheClip
TheClip
8 years ago

Ditto! its creepy as fuck. Our first Xmas he bought me a camera… Guess who got a camera? I chose all the paint colors and tile in the house…. Guess who paint the same rooms the same colors … And used the same tile!!! He ran out to Sears and purchased the range set we had the year before he left.
I pride myself on the beautiful yard I have built up over the years…. Guess who chose the same trees… Same shrubs and fencing in his new house! He even went and purchased a simialr sheet set for his bed and tweeny’s bed. He gave Tweeny my car…and i found out … Bought her the same perfume… FUCKING CREEPY

TheClip
TheClip
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

The more I think about the crappy b movie that has been my life for the last three years … I realize she is just my body double… She will never get the credits and is happy with being the stand in.

Marci
Marci
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Mine takes wife #2 (the OW) on the same holiday itineraries that I did for us. Only difference is he can’t afford the same hotels (I wonder if has finally realised how well I treated him). So, they stay in trailer parks near those hotels and on her blog she disses all the “rich folks” who stay in the actual hotels. I bet his skin crawls because he was once one of them. No, actually he spends his time trawling websites for new pickups, just a matter of time before she twigs to his hobbies.

Little Mighty Me
Little Mighty Me
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

They had it great with us, that’s what, and they wish they could recreate that really great thing they lost. The same perfume? He even wants her to smell like you? Poor Tweeny. I bet she has to dance real pretty…and she’ll still get steamrolled.

Thankful
Thankful
8 years ago

When I suspected he was cheating and questioned why he was distant physically and emotionally, and I got the dead stares, that sent me into a rage of frustration. When I received projection, gaslighting, and every other bullshit act I accepted the guilt, shame and blame shifting. Focused on my own issues, accepted that love was a choice I had to make and prayed it was just a phase we were going through and that if I did a good enough job as a wife and mother we would get past this negative phase in our marriage.
I even repeatedly tried to instigate sex thinking if we just did it more often we would reconnect some how.
I always had his back. And the whole time he was baking me into a corner.

As for crappy gifts. I once hinted I would love a charm bracelet for my birthday. I was given the most masculin bracelet with the ugliest charm I have ever seen. I suspect it was re gifted knowing what I now know. All he did was add the charm. I also was once given a socket set and spirit level one year for my birthday, XH could not understand why I found the gift thoughtless and was upset. Fast forward 8 years and when XH came to collect his things earlier this year went to take the socket set and became aggressive when I told him he could have it.

I am not high maintenance but the occasional pretty/girly thing would have been nice.
Oh I remember one year him giving me ponds facial scrub and moisturiser and because I commented that I liked it, that’s what I got as a birthday and Mother’s Day gift for the next two years off him and his mother. When I spoke up about the lack of originality I was deamed heartless and unappreciative.

Sephage
Sephage
8 years ago

My Spackle was actually believing that she was sorry about lying and racking up $100K in secret debt and penalties, and that she’d really change. Oh, and the two months I spent actually believing her bullshit about me being the ultimate villain in our relationship. F&ck that noise, sooooooo glad I’m on my way out of that toxic quagmire!

DoneNow
DoneNow
8 years ago

Unrelated to cheating, there was so much to choose from. The biggest is that he almost always refused to sleep in our bed, which should have been a deal breaker. But I spackled over that one every day. Had I explained how important it was to me, kind of like air and food and water? Yes. Had I tried to accommodate the one million excuses? Yes. Bigger bed? Check. TV and headphones? Check. Different bedtimes? Check. Snuggle, don’t snuggle? Check. I could spend hours trying to unravel that one, but in the end it was about more control. I spackled in the form of, “He just doesn’t understand how important this is to me, or he wouldn’t do it.” In fact, I think that was the label on the can. He knew. He just didn’t care and used everything I cared about keep me dancing all the time.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
8 years ago
Reply to  DoneNow

DoneNow, I was heartbroken when he moved out of our bed to go sleep next to his bar on a sofa in the basement. When I mentioned it, he told me I snored, and didn’t want to hurt my feelings. So I went to a sleep clinic to discover I do not snore. When I told him the results, he gave me that dead fish stare.

He never spoke a word of the lie. So I got out the spackle, convinced myself he would come back and then ended up having a family bed with my babies.

He used that against me in a deposition, stating that I was frigid and always had the kids with me.

Unbelievable.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
8 years ago

Mine took it a step further–he accused me of molesting one of our kids–while I was asleep.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago

They complain you don’t do X, then you do X, and they complain that you do X. It’s lose-lose with these cheaters, which is why running as far and as fast as you can is the only strategy.

Over and Out
Over and Out
8 years ago
Reply to  DoneNow

“Snuggle, don’t snuggle?” Reading that reminded me of something I always thought was odd about my ex… Outside having sex, he did not want me touching him at all when we were in bed together. Not even my little toe!!! LOL

ChumpyElf
ChumpyElf
8 years ago
Reply to  DoneNow

Asshat started sleeping in the basement when he first started having trouble coping with heat. We had a/c and he’d crank it way down but with a newborn in the house, that was a bad idea. He would whine and feel sick. Did he go seek help? Nope, just got angry at how i never wanted him to be comfortable, he ached from crashing in the couch, he resented me. Then he started sleeping in the apartment above our detached garage bc he could crank the a/c down in there. He would wake up with the sheets soaked (in sweat hopefully) and STILL he blamed me. I begged him to stay inside the house. I am sure it was easier to look at porn and text people. But he was ticked off that i dared to breastfeed our baby rather than be his bendypornstar, would not turn the house into a walk-in freezer and it was all stressing him out! Dimwit.

ChumpyElf
ChumpyElf
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpyElf

Sigh. I, too, got the working late, noise in the morning thing. He said i was lazy for wanting him inside the main house in case the baby woke and I was unable to get to him fast enough. Back then I was still off most meds and sometimes needed crutches to walk. He had compassion and time for all his patients and basically everyone else. He saved all his aggression and whiny-needy shit for me.

Other Kat
Other Kat
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpyElf

Oh we had babies in the house alright, including those of the fully-grown, big fat variety. Mine had the opposite issue with temperatures–he always wanted it stinking hot in the house and acted as if turning on the A/C during a 90 degree heat wave was the most self-indulgent, wasteful thing I could possibly do and that I was personally responsible for destroying our climate in the process.

Then, big fat baby man that he is, he would go into his closet (unfortunately, this is also a pun) and put on not one, but two layers of sweaters and walk around in silent, snooty contempt. This summer the few times that I’ve had to let him into my house I blasted the A/C to chase him the hell out as quickly as possible. Of course now I realize it’s all about control, not about his delicate, environmentally-friendly internal thermometer.

Chumpdujour
Chumpdujour
8 years ago
Reply to  Other Kat

Omg – I can’t believe I’m reading this. Mine also had an aversion to air conditioning. Actually I think he just had an aversion to anything that made me happy or comfortable.

I just had a new 96 percent hvac unit put in.
Any time I dared to put on the air even On a 100 degree day and bring the house down to a freezing 78 degrees, AH would put on a sweat shirt, sweat pants a wool beany, and sit in the same room While i was trying to read and make loud fake shivering noises complete with chattering teeth.

Then he would complain that the freezing 78 degree air was making him sick.

He would go to sleep like that.

Then this same person would go on a mud run or survival trip to show what a big man he was.

At least I know now, it’s not about temperature, it’s about control.

Chumpdujour
Chumpdujour
8 years ago
Reply to  Chumpdujour

Thanks so much. I live in So Cal also and I have to say I run the air now every day if I need it or not.

In fact, when I go to sleep I set it for 69 degrees. Meat locker status

Hey I paid my$5500 for a 96 percent energy efficient HVAC, I’m using it!

It wasn’t even about the money w him bc he never contributed to the bills.

He used to say when it was 85 degrees , it’s beautiful outside – just open the windows I’d say– I have a better idea- Why don’t you sit your ass outside and I’ll stay inside and make it cooler.

But how I sweated my butt off so many days and how miserable he made me when everyone within 100 miles of me were grateful for air conditioning

Every once in a while he texts, always from w different number.

This summer he’s texts how hot it is in his one room apt in the little ghetto room he lives in.
Funny, he always loved the heat before

He gave up a big, beautiful comfortable home where he paid for nothing and was Unhappy w everything so he could continue to have access to phone sex and pigs

I hope it’s warm enough in hell for him. He almost destroyed my life Hell would be too good

Other Kat
Other Kat
8 years ago
Reply to  Chumpdujour

Oh man, Chumpdujour, can you even believe it? I had to laugh reading your response because it so much describes my STBX, though I love the added touch with the chattering teeth!

Mine would even make a point of layering up when we visited our oldest, who was stationed at a base in the CA desert. It got to the point where it was embarrassing to walk around with him–people would look at him as if he was some homeless person who felt the need to bundle up in extra layers of clothes in anticipation of a winter that would never come. He would be walking around as if the rest of us were somehow weak (on a military base no less), sweating in the heat while he was prancing around in a sweater, cool as a cucumber.

So true, they want to do the opposite of whatever makes us happy or comfortable. Mine also said that the A/C (and any fans I would put on to compensate) made him sick!

Lyn
Lyn
8 years ago
Reply to  DoneNow

I remember explaining to my mother that my ex just couldn’t understand my needs. She said, “Oh, he understood. He just didn’t care.” That kind of slapped me in the face because I realized she was right. I was always making excuses for him.

Much Better Off Now
Much Better Off Now
8 years ago

When he handed me my engagement ring on Christmas Eve and said, “Here, put this on.” – I spackled (after all, he bought me a ring- he must really love me)

Finally realized
Finally realized
8 years ago

Mine was shoved across the kitchen table in the middle of a loud tv commercial. He knows how much I detest loud commercials. And when I asked if we could open a bottle of wine and have a moment of some kind to make it special (Spackle spackle desperate spackle), he yelled, “What? Are you critiquing my proposal now? Are you saying I didn’t do it right???”

I’m so ashamed to write this. And the ring was truly beautiful and he did spend a lot of time searching for just the right one. I think he was afraid he had done too much for undeserving me.

ANC
ANC
8 years ago

How many of us even bought our own gifts which we then had our cheaters gift to us on major holidays or birthdays?

BTDT. Barf. The Pentultimate spackle.

ChumpyElf
ChumpyElf
8 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Asshat used to get slightly pricey gifts. I accepted them gratefully but let him know i was good with, say, a JCrew cashmere sweater for Christmas rather than some 5-figure piece of jewelry i would never have occasion to wear. Then he would complain how I wouldn’t wear the nice things he got me. Like all the scratch, pokey lingerie, often bought way too small. Especially thoughtful a few months after an emergency C-section. Last month, i sold my old house (where i had a happy life alone with MightyCat) and bought myself a nice paddleboard and am getting a fancy mountain bike for my birthday. Things that I have talked about for years but he got angry about during the affair. The good presents stopped abruptly a few years ago. I am a reader but gets books that are completely random. I don’t even ask for his reasoning bc it offends him, he also got me stale clearance Easter candy for my birthday. The best gift he could give me now is a boatload of spousal and child support and to move far away ;O

Over and Out
Over and Out
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpyElf

Of course we must dress like a Victoria’s Secret model!!! What’s wrong with you, woman?! Your reluctance to do so is the reason he has ED!!!! LOL 😉

ChumpyElf
ChumpyElf
8 years ago
Reply to  Over and Out

He would get almost nasty and accuse me of having no self esteem and if I would just wear the ‘pretty things’ I would really feel better. Maybe bc he was used to squeezing himself into constricting clothes, it wouldn’t have bothered him but I was unaccustomed to being bigger and, shockingly, I couldnt handle the stripperlicious oufits scraping my giant scar.

I guess one of my many spackling incidents was finding Madonna Whore Complex in a note on his phone, when he sent me to look at a grocery list, and confronting him about it. He said he was just curious about it so what of it? I guess he was looking for any old excuse even years ago.

Lyn
Lyn
8 years ago
Reply to  ANC

I got to where I’d leave a catalog on his dresser with what I wanted for my birthday circled so he wouldn’t have to think about it. LOL. I threw him many parties over the year, and would often daydream that he’d reciprocate and throw me a party for a milestone birthday, etc. That never happened, though.

One Step at a Time
One Step at a Time
8 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Add me to the list. I didn’t really even mind not having the party…I just once wanted a special cake that maybe was ordered with me in mind instead of what was left over in the store bakery.

FMT
FMT
8 years ago

Raising my hand here, too. I planned elaborate themed parties for him, while my own birthdays were some last-minute scramble with a card from the all-purpose greeting card Costco box.

Writing this out, I have to laugh. How fucking lame can you get.

Over and Out
Over and Out
8 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

I did the same… planned special parties on milestones for him. Never any thoughtful reciprocation in return. I’m guilty of that same spackle job, too — “it’s a guy thing — not as thoughtful” LOL

Lina
Lina
8 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

I was told straight out that he’d never have a party for me because “I’m not that kind of guy”.

MovingOn
MovingOn
8 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Yep. I basically picked everything out and even told him where he could get it. All he had to do was purchase it and wrap it. He then thought he was the most thoughtful gift giver in the world. In comparison, I was always listening to him when he mentioned wanting/liking something, buying things and putting them away as he expressed interest, and getting him things that I felt pertained to his interests and hobbies. I also did the gift selection/wrap for his parents and other family members as needed. I’m happy to be relieved of those duties, and now I just buy myself what I want when I want it!

Tessie
Tessie
8 years ago
Reply to  MovingOn

Amazing just how many ways they chose to tell us we just didn’t matter………

Lina
Lina
8 years ago
Reply to  MovingOn

I was supposed to go buy my own birthday cakes because once I mentioned I liked the creamy frosting better than the whipped cream frosting. That was it! Punishment for every birthday afterwards. I think it was bullshit. I think the whipped cream frosting cakes were cheaper. They came from the grocery store. The creamy frosting came from the bakery and were more expensive and took more effort.

And I STILL feel guilty that I said that. What a chump I am.

Kimberly
Kimberly
8 years ago
Reply to  Lina

Lina – stop, your choice of frosting vs. cream didn’t make you a bad wife. I wanted a rocking chair when I had my first child, and I got a waterbed mattress instead. Was I pissed. I was so hurt… All I wanted was a chair to rock our child in and I got a freaking mattress. I’ll never forget that – I was so hurt and so disappointed for a long time because of that. Should have left then.

FMT
FMT
8 years ago
Reply to  Kimberly

Mine bought me a computer for my birthday, which he then proceeded to commandeer. It was supposed to be so I could do my research and writing while I was finishing my Master’s, but instead he used it to message OW on FB, troll the casual encounters and “therapeutic services” on Craigslist, watch porn practically 24/7, and shop for teenaged escorts who were the same age as his daughter.

Ye-ah. I did NOT take that with me when I left, as I’d probably have had to call Father Damian to exorcise it. So gross.

zyx321
zyx321
8 years ago

My biggest can of spackle was when ex was acting funny four years into our marriage so I snooped into his email (we shared passwords) and found what appeared to be a love poem in French to a grad school colleague of his. Yup, I believed him that it was nothing, we went to MC (and I spent the rest of the marriage insecure). Towards the end of the marriage the spackle was the appearance that we were in a loving relationship. Ex made dinners from scratch; we would sit outside alone, away from the kids, and go on date nights; we traveled; ex comforted me when I was having difficult with my mentally ill parent.

Post decision to divorce, I can see the actions for what they were: shallow and only because it was what a loving spouse was “supposed” to do.
In reality:
–dinners that took 3 hours to prepare were to avoid interacting with me
–I initiated all the “no kid” time, including sex
–I planned the trips, and looking back, there would rarely be any pictures of me on the trip, especially the last two years. On a trip to Australia, only 1 of me, from the side
— no real comfort on the parent thing. I would cry that I did not want the problems with this parent to affect our marriage; he sat there while I cried and said nothing, suggested nothing. In hindsight, the marriage was already over for him.

nomar
nomar
8 years ago

As others have said I think looking back that perhaps the whole 220-year marriage to a cheater was essentially a house built entirely of spackle. And how stable would you expect that to be?

But my personal worst spackle job? That would be the time during false reconciliation that I came up with the theory that (are you ready for this?) I should be GRATEFUL that my cheating wife hid her affairs from me for more than a dozen years because if I’d found out sooner I likely would have had to leave and that would’ve meant so much less time for me with our two sons. And I said this, out loud, in front of my cheating ex (who was, of course, continuing to cheat at the time I said it).

Lord, when I think about it now I am so deeply ashamed of saying that. How stupid, how weak, how wrong. Lowest. Moment. Of. My. Life.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Nomar–unfortunately, your thinking was entirely reasonable; men typically do get less time with the children after a divorce, even when they were not the cheater. It is entirely likely that your X would have squirreled the children away to another state had you caught her at the beginning, leaving you to split-holidays and 6 weeks every summer with your kids.

I’m in the same boat–8 years of cheating before I caught on. Advantage/s? He accrued enough $ to pay out of state tuition for my oldest; daughter; had I divorced him at the time of his main affair, she would not have had that option. We play the hand we’re given.

Over and Out
Over and Out
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

nomar, you should not be ashamed. You are genuine and that is not a weakness.

newchumpatl
newchumpatl
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Don’t be ashamed Nomar, you are a loving person and you were trying to save your marriage. I did it too. Spackled, hoped, prayed, wrote really embarrassing love letters he never read hardly or acknowledged. Begged, pleaded for him to reconsider the life we’d built, our kids, our futures. It did no good. He was gone before I knew anything was wrong.

I can own the things I did wrong in the marriage, I am not perfect and I had my faults but he never had an adult conversation with me about things that were really bothering him. He just avoided it. He was passive aggressive. He can’t ever deal with conflict, even now, he avoids it. He repeats patterns. He will continue to repeat them because he lacks the self awareness to make real changes in his own life. What I need to do in the future is make sure that I stay connected to future partners. That I realize marriages don’t hit the “pause” button. I made the mistakes a lot of young parents make.. work/kids/schedules got in the way of fun and couple time. I wish I could go back and fix that but I can’t. And truthfully, if he had been a honest broker we could have fixed it. But he wasn’t. It wasn’t really me that was bothering him.. it was the fact that OW was in the picture.

We all have to own the things we did wrong in the marriage, I have learned some valuable things and I am not blameless. But none of my sins deserved the disrespect he showed me at the end. I can live with my choices and mistakes.. will he be able to? Time will tell. These cheaters are also great at spackle but what they spackle is their feelings and reality. And one day, it will catch up. No one gets away with this stuff forever. Eventually, you have to grow up.

Lyn
Lyn
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Nomar, I did this kind of thing too. I was always trying to find something I should be grateful for in any situation. Right after my ex left, I sent him an email listing all the memories I was grateful for from our 36 year relationship. I remember writing “I wouldn’t trade those times for anything in the world.” Now I want to kick myself.

nomar
nomar
8 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Ugh. Don’t get me started on regrettable reconciliation emails. They were the most frantic and unsightly version of the pick-me dance. An impulse to gratitude gone obscenely berserk.

One Step at a Time
One Step at a Time
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Oh, yes. The regrettable emails. Been there, done that. I wish there was some way they could be removed from the cyber world forever. One of my biggest regrets is that I poured my heart and soul into reconciliation and he had no intention of even trying. Still shaking my head.

zyx321
zyx321
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Nomar- do not be ashamed of saying that. If I had not spackled about the French love poem, I would not have my wonderful children today. Some other kids maybe, but not those ones.
I am sometimes still ashamed that I wrote my ex a “sex” letter. He was working away from home at that point, and we were only together every 4-5 weeks. For years even prior to the away work, I felt that things were off and it was ME. The letter was sent a month before DDay, and ex of course used it as an example of how we were incompatible and should not be together anymore (he was too cowardly to say divorce)
Sex was off for years because he did not really care for me, so it was a chore.

In your case, like me, maybe should not have said it to the cheater, but in one sense, it was true. Being forced to not be with your children is to be the worst part about the divorce.

unicornomore
unicornomore
8 years ago

My deadhusband had a terrible rage problem, so I actually fi