I understand justifiable anger but should we here give advice to someone else from a position of anger over our own situation? That’s why this might not be the place to ask for advice on a lot of things but rather a place to vent that anger. Case in point, I don’t recall ever seeing anyone here suggest that someone give their wayward spouse another chance. Every single time a question is posed like the author of this letter posed, the advice they get is to immediately dump the other person as harshly as possible. The responses are always coming from a place of rage but not rage for the [poster’s] situation but rather rage being projected from their own situation.
This comment makes several assumptions.
a) That the advice Chump Nation gives couldn’t possibly be useful, or on target, because it is clouded by “rage.” All CN advice comes from a “position of anger.”
b) That rage is being projected on to innocent “waywards.”
c) That no one here ever suggests giving cheaters another chance.
By dignifying this with a response, I wonder if I am solidifying the narrative that CN are a bunch of rabid bitter bunnies?
Gee, Chump Lady I just said you’re rage-y, don’t get so huffy. Did your blood pressure rise? See! You’re an angry harridan unleashing your venom onto mistaken, timid forest creatures who mean you no harm! Who just want to huddle in the glow of your anger and warm their sodden little mittens over the flame of your wrath. Why do you shun them? Can’t you see they’re cold and cast off and so very alone? Why must you judge? Everyone makes mistakes! Forgive! Don’t hold on to anger!
Let me just go over the mission statement here at Chump Lady again for the newbies — “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” (also the title of the new book… shameless plug…) It’s not a reconciliation site. The interwebz are full of reconciliation sites. There are many, many online campfires where “waywards” can huddle up and toast their sad sausage weiners. This is not one of them.
I realize that people who are in reconciliation read here to “stiffen their spine” and get better with boundaries. That’s great. If you really have a unicorn, and want to invest in that, God bless. The point of this site, however, is to support those who do NOT have reconciliation unicorns AND to provide much-needed skepticism about unicorns.
There’s value in knowing whether or not you have a unicorn or a jackass. Alas, there are far more asses in the world than unicorns. Pointing that out logically, analytically, and at times with gusto, doesn’t make a commentator “clouded by rage” but shining with lucidity.
How would we know the difference between unicorns and asses? Experience. When chumps see a unicorn, they are not “projecting their experience” and see an ass instead — no, they have actually experienced jackasses. No projecting required. Chumps can describe in full detail what asses look like (they blameshift, they love bomb, they feel very sorry for themselves, it’s all about them…) and what unicorns look like (rare humble creatures).
If you don’t believe in asses (everyone makes mistakes!), then maybe every ass looks like a unicorn to you.
If you were really hoping for a unicorn, and everyone here is telling you it looks like an ass — I’m sorry you’re disappointed, but this is the collective wisdom pool here on jackasses. We ran the Breeder’s Cup. We’ve been intimately acquainted with the breed for decades.
Still don’t believe us? That’s fine. There are many online fairy forests who report unicorn sitings. Some will charge you $399 and bring the unicorn to you.
But what reconcilers and cheaters apologists may NOT do on my site is run down the people who are giving you their heart-felt advice. Someone takes the time out of their life to write back to you and help you, even smack you up the head with a 2×4 of “GIRLFRIEND! RUN!” — thank this person. Even if you do not agree with them. Even if you’re not ready to hear it. Even if you think they are completely wrong and you are utterly exceptional. They cared enough to answer you straight.
Many places will hold your hand and peddle false hope about unicorns. “I see one in the misty forest! He’s coming home! Stand faithful!” I am not that place. I think it’s far kinder to devastate you with the truth and speed up your healing and get you back out there into the world. I’ll hold your hand if you want to rebuild your life. Got plenty of time for that.
Now then, to the rest of that nonsense…
Would the people who didn’t give their cheaters A Single Chance please raise their hands?
You never begged, pleaded, implored them to come to their senses, did counseling, begged for counseling, had a second D-Day, or third, or 35th. You never once cared what your cheater was feeling or asked why they did this or gave them a chance to explain and make it better…
A show of hands, chumps!
Oh right, that would be none of you.