How Can I Get My Truth Out There?
She feels desperate to get her truth out there, after being gaslit by her ex and his family. She’s recovering, but the denial of her experience still hurts.
***
Dear Chump Lady,
I don’t even know how to sum up my story, my fiancé and his family all betrayed me.
He had an affair, which they covered for.
He became abusive and terrifying to be around. Humiliated me, threatened to kill me, said he was suicidal, dumped me via text, deleted all his social media, blocked me and ran away starting his new life. Leaving me in debt, a wedding to cancel, a house to pay for, bills, and a shattered faith in humanity. I had a psychotic episode, tried to off myself a few times, couldn’t eat just drank all day for months.
He lied to everyone in his new life and said we never happened. I was just some stalker. His work were calling him Baby Reindeer. He works at a disability agency and I’m disabled so I was afraid the slander would affect my benefits, never mind my reputation.
I’m about 6 months on. I’m happy aside from the flashbacks. Getting lots of therapy and on more medication than I’d like.
Now I don’t care about what happened, it can’t be changed.
But the fact he has outright denied over 5 years of my life and something I almost lost my life over has me seeking to get my truth out there.
You did it, own it. Don’t lie and pretend I’m insane. He turned everyone against me. I lost the majority of the life I’d known for so long. I know he’ll crash and burn I have faith. But I’m desperate for everyone to hear what ACTUALLY happened else it makes me feel like all my suffering and pain was for nothing. But how?
Thank you so much.
Skint Chump
***
Dear Skint Chump,
You don’t need everyone to believe you.
Just the people who matter. And that’s fewer people than you think. I say this a lot here, and it’s disappointing every time I type this, but we don’t control other people. We don’t control what they say, think, or do. We just control ourselves.
So, let go of trying to convince everyone about the nightmare you’ve been through and work on your boundaries instead. If someone in your life doesn’t believe you? They don’t belong in your life.
I hope it goes without saying, but everyone in your ex’s world, including his noxious family, do not belong in your life. No contact is the fastest path to healing. Sticking your head in the mindfuck blender, by contrast, sets you back.
Of course he lies to them.
But consider, they’ve known him longer than you have. That’s a long time to see his character arc. They probably know he’s a POS and they’re okay with that. He’s going to stay in their lives and you won’t. So, if he says you’re a stalking weirdo, and you’re the 15th stalking weirdo ex he’s had the misfortune of tangling with, they probably won’t question his story. Until they find their wallet missing, or their girlfriend seduced, or Aunt Mildred’s social security check diverted.
THEN his character will matter. But while he’s just hurting you and denying all wrongdoing? They don’t care.
So hold out for a better class of people.
People with empathy and perspective. People you respect. Reframe this — so, what if an amoral nitwit doesn’t believe you? You don’t respect that person, so their opinion doesn’t matter. You’re not going to get comfort from an amoral nitwit, so it’s no big loss really.
I completely understand why you want validation. The emotional vomiting and zealous attempts to get your truth out are trauma responses. You want to be believed, because you’ve been erased.
This man abandoned you. Set you up just to watch you fall. And now denies it ever happened.
You don’t need his buy-in to know it happened.
Stop making his contrition, or even a basic acknowledgement of you, dependent on your healing. Trust your own reality. You don’t need his fun-house mirror world. Your world is enough. I believe you. This community believes you. Your therapist believes you. Screw the people who don’t believe you. And recognize that most of them have a vested interest in not believing you.
He lied to everyone in his new life and said we never happened. I was just some stalker. His work were calling him Baby Reindeer. He works at a disability agency and I’m disabled so I was afraid the slander would affect my benefits, never mind my reputation.
How do you know what he was telling people in his “new life”? You know what defends your “I’m not a stalker” position best? Total no contact. It’s hard to tell stories about a ghost.
If you have some evidence that he’s maligning you and that could somehow influence your benefits, I would get a lawyer involved. But if this is just a fear, and you’re following him into his new life to set the record straight? STOP IT. Remember the maxim here — if it feels good, don’t do it. Don’t graffiti his name over a bridge span. Don’t call his mother. Just don’t.
Telling your story is a balancing act.
In the early days, when you’re desperate for validation, what you really need is safe harbor. A shrink’s office, some trusted friends, a community like CN. You don’t need the callous insults from people who don’t get it. You don’t need victim blaming and rubbernecking.
When you’re stronger, and out from it, by all means get your truth out there and start changing the narrative around infidelity and abandonment. That doesn’t mean a total recitation on the particulars of your nightmare, but moral clarity. “That’s a ridiculous mistress romance plot.” Or “sexual harassment isn’t sexy.” Or “He’s not a good parent if he doesn’t pay child support.”
See how that works? Moral clarity INFORMED by your nightmare.
I’m saying this years out from my own nightmare, but remember: your trauma is yours. It’s okay that your cousin doesn’t give it a lot of weight. Or your neighbor, or random stranger. They have their own difficult lives. They don’t need the emotional heaviness of yours.
I created this place to be a safe space for that heaviness. A community where you can share stories and be believed, because — OMG what a dataset! — betrayal is sadly common.
Besides, you are more than that nightmare. It takes an incredible amount of resilience to bounce back from sudden abandonment. Forget convincing people of his malevolence. Remind yourself instead how very mighty you are.
This is such a hard one. I ended up just severing ties with all the people he’d gotten to. What my FW did was sow doubt on my credibility. I realized fairly early on that I was wasting my breath. I was chasing after his lies, trying to convince people who didn’t really care that much and who preferred to just not deal.
Exactly. They choose to believe whatever is most convenient. They don’t want to deal with a traumatized person and be required to have compassion, so they rationalize that you are either lying or you did something to deserve it. It makes things easier for them and that’s what they really care about.
Skint Chump,
There is a lot of truth in CL’s response to you, but I would stress that FWs lie as easily as they breathe, particularly when it comes to protecting either their ego or their reputation.
When CL says “If someone in your life doesn’t believe you? They don’t belong in your life” she is absolutely right; you should not be afraid to cut people out if they fall in line with your Ex’s version of events.
Life is too short to stop people who are determined to believe a lie from believing it.
LFTT
Most of us are so twisted up by the crises that we want to shout it from the housetops. That’s a normal response, believe me.
Over time, we learn that not everyone is on our side. Even almost eight years after he left, there are still some who are on “team ex” despite all evidence to the contrary. And I learned to accept that and move on. I don’t allow them to be close to me if they can’t see it for what it is.
I had to start over in the friend department almost completely, and that’s OK. In many ways, my current besties are better people than I had before. I learned a lot about friends and friendship the hard way.
So yes, there is life beyond these things. Over time, focus the energy on making a good life for yourself, and what you experienced will fade. Sure, my ex is still part of me, but he’s just a passing thought of late.
Skint Chump,
You problem-solved your way out of a mental health crisis when FW broke your semblance of reality. On top of that, you found Chump Nation, AND you’re only six months out, already looking toward the future. Mighty!
The truth is already out there. People who witnessed it in real-time will continue pretending it never happened until that narrative no longer suits them.
I’m several years out from discovering one life-altering betrayal after another for years. Flying monkeys on hoovers will show themselves when you think you have finally moved on. Then, back in the blender, your head goes. When you think they want to hear your side of the story, they really want to watch you emotionally projectile vomit so they can gossip about you to the FW. It’s a hard lesson to learn.
My mother was a significant part of the betrayal with FW. It led to serious safety issues, and I’m only giving her the time of day because she is my mother. It took a long time to work up the courage to confront her, and so far, she has attempted every FW trick in the book. This past year, after coming back regularly to Chump Nation, there was a shift. In contrast, before, I would have allowed her to squirm her way out of accountability and dominate the conversation; I’ve held firm and told her that I would not let her rewrite history; her projections and actions are not my burdens, and I had to tell her 3 times already that I do not want to hear what she has to say because if history has shown anything it’s that she will DARVO right through all the mindfuck channels Reciprocity will likely never be achieved, her entitlement is glaring.
Give yourself some grace; you’re doing great!
I adore Chump Lady and accept her wisdom in all things, but I am a little more “pro-disclosure“ in my views, and I don’t believe that “if it feels good don’t do it.“ I believe “if it’s going to get you into trouble don’t do it.“ Sometimes those are the same thing, but sometimes they are different, depending on who you are telling, and I believe being open and honest about what’s going on in my life honors me, shows my strength, and incidentally was ENORMOUSLY helpful in reducing these feelings of having to sit by and watch injustice perpetrated. That burns me up and hurts me. I told people what was going on, and it was cathartic and helpful. I’m a lawyer, so my focus is being absolutely factually accurate in every word I say. I wrote emails to people, so after I wrote them, I would let them sit, and then review them, thinking, OK, if I had to defend this in a court of law in a defamation suit, would I win? I was fortunate not to have custody issues, I know that’s a whole other kettle of fish. but I was very happy with this approach. Of course, your mileage may vary. 🙂
After my husband let me know via email that he was leaving me after 17 years together, a complete shock, and tried to tell people that he was “respecting my wishes” by moving out over the weekend (I think he wanted them to think I had thrown him out, not the other way around), I wrote both to his family and work colleagues of his that I had grown close to over the years. I know that latter burned him up, as he told me many times, so I think some of them created some distance from him on that basis. They knew me and respected me. Some of them reached out to me with support and that was really uplifting. Mostly I wasn’t going to let him get away with the lie that I had anything to do with his leaving and that he was “respecting me” by going.
Everyone needs to make their own decision, but this was my experience, and I felt stronger and happier because of it.
My best wishes to everyone in this wonderful community, and hugs to anyone going through this trauma, it sucks, but you are not alone!
Let me clarify — I’m all for singing like a bird. Calling out abuse as abuse. Refusing the shit sandwich. But I also think as a newbie chump you need to be protective of your mental health. You need a safe place to spill your guts, because there are so many awful counter narratives out there. It’s bad enough when your FW gaslights you, it’s worse when it’s your mother or a mental health professional or your pastor. Telling you that you’re overreacting, or you’re not entitled to your anger or grief, or whatever.
That’s why I qualified my answer with — when you have DISTANCE. When you’re much stronger in your “I don’t give an F what you think” stance. But in those panicky early days? Realize you can’t convince everyone and you shouldn’t try. Be strategic and practice self care.
In my experience, those who are associated in any way with an FW are not “pro-disclosure.” They have and will intentionally withhold relevant information while they watch or even encourage you to make decisions that will cause harm.
The bunny boiler who cyberstalked me for months only initiated contact after she filed a restraining order against FW, claiming to also be in a domestic violence situation; she said my life and my child’s life were in danger and needed me to be a character witness because I went through it before with FW. My legal team said it would cost me an additional $7k to handle it and wouldn’t provide an answer on whether or not I should help her, my mother encouraged me to help her because back when I was going through it, I didn’t have help, my brother who lived with my mother kept his mouth shut, he was friends with FW and knew the bunny boiler had a long history of crazy. I didn’t find this out until 2 years later when she continued to stalk and harass me from out of state, calling my recovery room after giving birth and swatting our home, attempting to access my kid’s social security number, contacting the school, file false police reports and on and on.
It didn’t feel good to have my world intruded on and be asked to testify at another domestic violence hearing regarding FW because of feminism. I should have listened to my gut instead of asking for advice from hidden FW supporters. If there is anything I’ve learned over this period, it is to use discernment and critical thinking instead of assuming that anyone making a disclosure is being honest. Best to stay away.
So sorry this level of crazy intruded on your life. Did you testify for her? And why did your lawyers think it would cost you $7K to handle it? What were they going to do for you?
I was in the Zoom waiting room, completely unaware of what was going on. I thought that would be the end of it.
The attorney said that the situation was unrelated to the custody matter I retained her for and refused to discuss the matter unless I paid her first. I had no idea what the attorney intended to do; she simply insisted that I needed to pay her before she could discuss anything at all.
I’m thankful for confiding in friends and neighbors who, in retrospect, were key reality checks when I began to discover the tip of the betrayal iceberg then was in false reconciliation. Now even if someone wanted to discredit me well there is literally a dozen people who can back me up because they were knee deep with me in the evidence collection and analysis stage!
I follow Tracy’s advice though and haven’t called ex MIL who abandoned me even though she was once a Chump herself! I have, however, warned my children against ever helping her or ex FIL financially should those bloodsuckers come around to them when they are older.
I’m glad I got my story out first!
It took years for me to understand that I had many long-term acquaintances. That realization made it easier to let go of most of the injustice of them not wanting to hear my side. Eventually I would simply say that yes, there are always two sides to the story but only one truth and one person living in that truth. I am the person living in truth.
Yes, we learn there is a difference between “acquaintances” of every sort and actual friends.
I completely understand the need for others to validate the truth. (I like to use “THE truth as opposed to the more recent phrase “MY truth”, which to me feels like another way to say “opinion”….)
When I experience an episode of rage over Traitor Ex’s lies and character assassination, it helps me to remember there are women who send marriage proposals to Chris Watts and Scott Peterson. Men who killed their pregnant wives and their own children.
I say “good riddance” to anyone who wants to associate with someone who intentionally harms others. Please stay away from me. I can be civil to almost anyone, but very few are going to be admitted to my life, which is now a stone fortress surrounded by a moat with piranhas and sharks and crocodiles, surrounded by a fire swamp with tiger traps and quicksand.
It is impossible to get everyone to believe you or care what he did even if they do believe you.
What I am most concerned with is that the people admitted to my fortress are sincerely Team Velvet Hammer, believe me and care what he did to me and our daughter.
Anyone who rallies around a known liar, cheater, thief, and criminal is welcome to enjoy the consequences that come with that poor choice.
I truly don’t want anyone in my fortress who is not loyal to me and won’t defend and protect me, and an excellent way to screen them out is knowing who still associates with him after knowing what he did.
I agree that we should always be referring to THE truth, which is objective. The whole “my” truth thing sounds like whatever you convinced yourself in your head. It sounds like what a FW would point to. It’s more akin to Stephen Colbert’s “truthiness.”
There are not “two sides to the story” when infidelity is involved any more than there are two sides to the story when it comes to fraud, arson, rape, assault, murder, theft, etc.
Infidelity is VERY one sided. Because deceiving the victim is integral to infidelity, assigning any responsibility to the victim is absurd.
Survival of the fittest is not just about physical fitness. It also applies to critical thinking and discernment, how psychologically astute one is.
The psychologically, mentally, and emotionally fittest walk away when they see evidence that someone is not trustworthy and capable of intentional infliction of harm. Fools rush in. Let them.
IMHO.
❤️
I agree- the only two sides are the truth and the lies- that’s it.
It’s infuriating, isn’t it? This is why I cut ties with nearly everybody. The insane things that get said and people actually believe it. I started wondering if everybody we knew was just braindead or if they were also evil predators like him because why? How do you believe a story so insane and stupid and obviously false? How do you ignore evidence that is right in front of you?
One of the things I saw was an online convo where women discussed that being married to me was horrible for him because I orgasmed too easily. How awful to have a wife who just easily has orgasms! See, this means sex with me is not a challenge therefore it is no fun. Apparently men want sex with their wives to be challenging. Oh, but these same people also claim I’m frigid and never gave him any sex. How awful for him to be with a cold, frigid wife who hates sex… but also has way too many orgasms, way too easily… The stories changed constantly and the plot holes were big enough to drive a semi through. No one with any sense could believe both of those examples at the same time, yet people did.
I’ve learned a lot of people just want to enjoy the drama and they don’t care if they’re destroying another human being in the process. Maybe they would have felt bad if I had offed myself or maybe it would have just given them even more to gossip about. I actually told one person before blocking her on everything “Just pretend i offed myself, imagine what a great story that will be for you to tell your friends and coworkers about.”
Getting rid of everyone was hard and it sometimes still hurts. There were people who should have been on my side and they weren’t. I’m five years out and I still hear their words sometimes. It gets better but I don’t know if betrayal ever really goes away. Honestly, the betrayal from other people hurts worse than his. I don’t even think of him anymore unless some legal or financial issue pops up but I think of things my sister said to me randomly while driving to work, and it hurts.
CL is right, if they don’t believe you, they aren’t your people. Even if they are blood relatives, you just have to accept that and move on without them.
Your story reminded me of one of FWs most bizarre smears of me – that I earned a lot more than him, I was “too successful”, and I was going to cheat on him with a rich man. His coworkers ate that shit up, what a terrible bitch that EZ must be! It was perfectly tailored to get his young, unstable employees just dying to rescue him from his bitch-feminist wife.
But when I repeated the story to my fiends and family they saw the contradiction immediately. Like, why would someone who is reportedly “too successful” need to find a rich affair partner? And what tf is “too successful”? Whatever it is, being a middle manager doesn’t quite reach that bar. And by his own admission although I supposedly wanted to have an affair, I hadn’t actually done it yet. Absolutely ridiculous. Thank goodness for the few people in my life who had critical thinking skills and pointed this out.
But then, he also told everyone at his work that he has a brain tumour, so perhaps it all made a coherent story for them? Who knows. They are just trash people.
KatiePig, I thought of you when I read this post – it reminded me of your story. Different details but similar themes. I get vibes of your healing with your posts. You have developed a deep vein of wisdom from your experience and we all benefit from your story (along with the gazillion others) but it has been inspiring to watch (read) your progress. Hopefully, today’s OP follows all the awesome advice offered today for a very horrible betrayal. I agree that the betrayal from other people cuts deep too. Such a good place to be on the Internet. Thanks, CL.
(I feel you on “left you with a lot of debt and messes to clean up” part. 21 months on I’m still finding little things.)
The good news is: you’ve already made a fantastic running start at this and have some natural advantages working for you.
I want to reinforce what our leader said: where you are right now is in large part about shielding yourself from toxic and radioactive elements. This unfortunately is going to include people you previously liked and had respect for. You learn a lot about your bonds when Crisis occurs-you or them. Unfortunately, you are already learning the hard way that not everybody is Ride or Die like you thought they were. It’s all part of the one-two punch of being betrayed. Now is the time for the Great Severing.
So this means No Contact. With all of them. If you start to tell your story and you get “well, there’s two sides to every story” or “they say when there’s cheating there is something missing in the relationship”, congrats! You have found one more person you never need to think or worry about again!
No Contact will help you frame your narrative. You will get good practice here (God knows I have-doing it right now!) The people that were there at ground zero got thrown up on verbally quite frankly. Granted they also knew the idiot and had questions about what happened. I have mine “for new people”(it turns out we have like 8.2 billion people in the world. For every person that I lost there seem to be whole new ones that have by and at large been pretty understanding and empathetic)
I usually say “I’m divorced. I was betrayed. I supported her through her master’s degree and she decided she wanted an open relationship the day after I was diagnosed diabetic rather than work on the problems.” Short and to the point(yes yes, I am feeling rather well, thank you-I find that the info dump on strangers tends to need to have a snappy opening.) Then if there are questions I am happy to answer them as objectively as possible. You are going to find that people have been there too will completely “get it”.
Please know though: your narrative is for YOU. And that is also “moving forward.” You are not going to change the minds of anybody in his sphere-and that is fine. You don’t want those people. You are not turning anybody against him. You are the victim of HIS abuse. If they don’t already understand that they are lost.
He is not coming back. You do not want him back. You are absolutely right-he will get his. These behaviors DO NOT occur in a vacuum. It is not your job to enact justice-the people you would be trying to win will figure him out if they haven’t already. He has already ruined his own reputation. I repeat: he will get his and he will be very, very alone. He’s already deleted his social media and went running(or simply started new accounts-these idiots do nothing original actually crafty here). People notice these behaviors.
It is good that he already deleted his social media. No Contact. Keep it that way. No New Contact means No New Hurt. Please do not keep those wounds open by Pain Shopping. Trust me, you’ve already won the battle against him.
I wanted…and still do to a degree, justice. Revenge. Honestly though? If your fuckwit is anything like mine, there is NOTHING I can say or do that is worse than the life that she has inflicted upon herself. I repeat: NOTHING.
Stay Mighty!
Hi Jeff! Thank you for what you share.
I’ve come to feel that justice is in my getting away from him.
It would be far worse if he was actually the good guy he pretends to be, and left because I was actually what he tells other people about me.
The facts of his life aren’t evidence of a winner that left whose life got better. Cheaters aren’t winners and IMHO running an illicit massage parlor and living with a woman you met in one and continuing to have paid mechanical emotionally devoid sex with whomever agrees to it is not an improvement.
❤️
So true. I have found it a comfort that they very rarely trade up, but usually choose someone who is so much less than you. But if they can control the narrative with that person, it’s a win in their eyes, as weird as that is.
For a while you’ll be in shock and disbelief that some people you thought you knew either ghost or tell you that your grief is the problem rather than what’s been done to you – they were not your friends to begin with if they can’t support you even in small ways.
Then there’s the one with no spine who ‘loves’ both of you- bullshit.
No one who loves you will want to be friends with someone who has hurt you.
Apart from those closest to you, people don’t care – they have their own lives to deal with and might like the occasional bulletin on the latest shenanigans, but it’s like a tv drama to them rather than anything of real concern – especially if it’s not recent.
I culled a lot of people early on when I realised they were swallowing all the crap that was being said- it didn’t matter who or how long they’d been in my life.
They chose for me and I haven’t missed them.
I know and those closest to me know- that’s enough for me.
Skint Chump – I had to look up “skint” which is British word for poor? It appears that your ex took advantage of your on-going vulnerability.
As CL said, it is unlikely his family is interested in the truth and to stay in his world can be emotionally harmful for you. Those are resources you cannot afford to risk for a person who is not/was not available.
It takes much more than six months to survive and digest such betrayal. Therapy, meds, new community and NO CONTACT with him is the way forward. You are mighty.
Check out Rich Kids Go Skint….a UK reality show about rich kids who spend time living with a low income family. Very humbling. ❤️
Dear Skint Chump, it sounds as if your life was dismantled, your marriage revealed as a sham, and people are telling you to shut up already. Welcome to Chump Nation!
For cheater enablers and cheater apologists, the truth is a huge bummer. It implicates them. Tip them into the sewer of the past and remember that you are a sane and well-adjusted person reacting to abuse — and to the ongoing moral injury of being disbelieved.
On re-reading, a few things stood out: he works at a disability agency, you’re disabled, he became abusive, he threatened to kill you, he’s gaslighting you and others that you never had a relationship, and again, he works at a disability agency.
Although I’m not a lawyer and this isn’t legal advice, it’s legitimate to be concerned about both your safety and your benefits. I suggest you go to a domestic violence agency and discuss this with them, and then discuss it with a disability advocate either at your current agency or another one. His text message dumping you may or may not contain enough information to prove you had a relationship and planned to marry. If he signed any of the wedding arrangements, paid deposits, etc., get copies of that too as proof. If you calmly state that he proposed, then threatened to kill you and you are concerned he will somehow interfere with your benefits, that should establish a paper trail if he does decide to intervene. Because you are disabled and because of where he works, they may be obligated to disclose some of this information to his employer.
SC, anyone who can be turned against you so easily should be considered irrelevant. Are there people who do believe you? If so, cherish them and have nothing to do with the others. Raking it all up again might seem like it would help you, but I think it could be harmful. You’ve indicated that FW may have some sort of power to deny you disability benefits, so the last thing you need is him getting revenge that way. It’s natural for you to want justice, but unfortunately, it doesn’t sound like a situation where you’re likely to get it. The people who believe him are unlikely to be swayed. They need to believe him because they don’t want to rock the boat and disrupt their own lives. It’s more convenient to accept his bullshit at face value.
It sucks, but sometimes we do have to let an injustice go unpunished. Think long and hard about this and decide if the possible consequences are worth it.
I’ve seen enough of these gothic f*ckery dramas play out to think CL is right that the punishment is built in for those who believe the lies of disordered smear campaigners.
In any case, this is exactly what happened after I became alienated from almost an entire wing of my extended family due to the Machiavellian triangulation of an older cousin’s second wife.
Sorry if this sounds like a plot from a Merchant Ivory film. Because the above cousin is richer than Croesus, it’s clear in retrospect that wife #2 was waging a classic preemptive estate battle to narrow down the inheritance pool to only herself and her own kids from a previous relationship by pitting people in the family against each other and sowing discord. But, as CL argued, schemers can only really sow discord where there’s fertile ground for it. My born-on-third-base cousins have always been entitled, mean-spirited narcissists and it really didn’t take much instigation to get them to gang up on select targets.
I left that circus several years ago after the last family elder died and I no longer felt obliged to keep the peace for their sake. In the long run, it felt like an exorcism and I was glad to escape the progressively worse and worse backbiting, baiting, bad vibes and unforgivable exclusion of my young kids from family events. But at first it didn’t feel great that my kids had lost nearly an entire branch of family and it took time to process what happened.
All’s well that ends well as they say. What I concluded is that, just like FDR said of “judging a man by his enemies,” sometimes we’re targeted by thugs because of good things about us, not weakness. Since I was never in line to inherit and furthermore never had my hand out, I think the reason wife #2 put the cross hairs me was because psychopaths have a radar for who will be “fer or agin ’em” when push comes to shove. Somehow she knew I’d end up on the wrong side of her dastardly plot. And it turned out she was right because the main target of her inheritance scheme– my cousin’s son by his first marriage– eventually confided in me about the hell he’d been through since his evil stepmother married his father.
In other words, the very Pollyanna traits that marked me as an obstacle to criminal intrigue were also why the central victim of it singled me out as an ally. What happened to my second cousin was terrible and reminds me of Joseph Sheridan LeFanu’s Victorian gothic horror story Uncle Silas– not the attempted murder bit but at least the crazy-making gaslighting and triangulation (Wikipedia has a plot summary). Since even his own father, aunt, uncle and grandmother bought into the smear campaign against him, my second cousin’s evil stepmother may have come perilously close to driving him either out of the family or to suicide as a young teen.
Although I wouldn’t have been in the position to rescue my second cousin as a kid because I was still in college when all the horror began, I feel bad that I hadn’t know what he was suffering. I’m just touched he eventually reached out after he and his young fiance discovered stepmum’s cheating sexts with four different men on the cloud.
Of course the villain turned out to be a FW… because they always are. And how’s that for a built-in punishment for those who buy into lying smear campaigns? It could have been a glorious takedown but, unfortunately, my cousin eventually reconciled with the FW even after it emerged the woman had a criminal record for assaulting a previous “sugar daddy.” At most I think my cousin cordoned off his finances making it harder for wife#2 to plot to control his estate.
Sadly, it’s no surprise my cousin didn’t ditch this monster for serial adultery when he hadn’t previously done so to protect his own son or other family “targets.” But that’s his bad luck because I don’t think that gold-digging psychopath is done with her Saltburn-style machinations. I sometimes wonder if the saga will eventually end up on the six o’clock news following a series of “unfortunate accidents” and mysteriously disappearing assets.
But at least my kids and I are far out of firing range and my second cousin and his now-wife know what’s what and protect themselves. I feel like we’re the winners of the debacle and I think I maintained the only tie on that side of the family who has any integrity. Plus we turned out to have more in common than I realized. After the fallout, we had a big skein-untangling festival trading forensic studies on criminal mentality.
Speaking about patience in “getting the story out,” God help his evil stepmother if my second cousin ever decides to write his memoir because, though still quite young, he’s now a rapidly rising political advisor in DC who’s already getting tapped as a ‘future contender.” I imagine his stepmum lives in terror of this. Also speaking of moral clarity, it’s no mystery how he ended up becoming so astute and such a skilled political chess player considering what and who he was up against. He’s seen the face of evil, knows the whole playbook, understands the stakes and I doubt he’ll ever be caught off guard again.
My god, they really do follow the same playbook, don’t they?
My brother, the same one who withheld that he knew the bunny boiler was stalking us and refused to follow the recommended safeguarding protocols, was also a scheming money-grubber.
During my estrangement from my family, I watched from a distance as my brother started to screw everyone else over, and my mother would make excuses for him. He was obsessed with what he could get out of a deceased relative’s estate and went as far as falsifying a last will and testament that he coincidentally found to get possession of an old vehicle he was obsessing over. It got so bad my uncle, as the executor, had to leave the funeral early to take the vehicle over to the lawyer’s office from the home and lock up the keys. At the wake, my brother and his wife snuck alcohol into a restaurant that served alcohol, and a bunch of his friends showed up to party. It was a disgrace.
My uncle estranged himself from my mom because of it, she’s been bitching to me about how she doesn’t know what she did because he won’t talk to her. I told her that was enough; she knew why; my uncle doesn’t mince words. She needs to own her role in the chaos and can’t force reconciliation.
I had no clue how common those kinds of estate wars were until I saw this play out in my own extended family and mentioned it to other people. Then suddenly out would pour these similar sagas about avaricious and scheming siblings, cousins, some OWife or other who married into the family and tried to get kids from first marriages cut out of the will, etc.
It’s apparently so common that estate lawyers even have comic slang and shorthand for some of these situations. But, if it’s so common, why do we only hear about it on the six o’clock news or TV dramas until it happens to us?
It eventually dawned on me that the reason we only find out how common this is when we mention our own stories to others is that normal people are horribly ashamed about having these kinds of Jerry Springer dustups in their families. It’s just so depressingly trashy and ugly that people only divulge when there’s even ground and reason to believe another person might “relate.”
We literally “confess” this stuff (like the chump experience) as if we’re somehow guilty by association. When I think back, I can remember feeling embarrassed that someone related to me would marry such a craven piece of garbage and then let the garbage wife fracture his family and abuse his son. I also felt sick when I thought of how much stoic integrity the “golden generation” of the family had and how behavior like this shamed their legacy. But then, alas, I figured out that greed, crassness, stupidity and marrying for sleazy p*ssy are dirt common aspects of the human condition, not a particular reflection on my gene pool lol.
Another thing I noticed is how culprits and apologists for these creepy schemes are always so “mystified” when the people they burn go NC. Or else ugly motives are ascribed to the latter that place the culprits in a curiously flattering light like “Oh s/he was always soooo jealous of me.” Or worse, the culprits cast some kind of criminal/crazy aspersions on the people who walk away (“S/he had no more use for me after they failed to rob my pension/get me into bed/molest my minor child/eat my dog…”).
Being chumped is quite an education. In addition to learning more than we ever wanted to about wolves in sheeps’ clothing, we learn who is really there for us. It’s usually a surprising list. People we thought were close and could depend on, suddenly, “don’t want to be caught in the middle, and don’t want to hear what ‘FW’ did.” By the same token, people that you may have bumped heads with in the past can show up in surprising ways. The people that matter have asked what happened (in a non-drama lama way). Those that don’t matter, haven’t asked or shut down my attempts to speak the truth. Another loss to mourn. We get good at mourning here in Chumpnation, don’t we?
As much as I wouldn’t wish this type of mess on anyone, it does force you to face reality if you want to heal. Sure that’s hard, but if you live your life that way, it’s sooo much better.
I’ve had church people get on my case because I’m not friends with my ex. No, being friends with someone who burned down life as you knew it isn’t healthy. I’m more polite than that, but it always feels weird to say something along those lines. Basically, surprise! Not everyone in the world is your friend. My ex is not my friend.
Oh well…
I severed ties with the lot of her flying monkey pack. I can’t compete with a sparkly lifetime of carefully plotted manipulation, lies, and predation.
That’s a positive I had from cutting loose my ex’s family.
I realized one day that everything I said got passed around between them and with my then-husband after we separated. And it was clear that they were perpetually judging and recasting my ex in a positive light while making me the scapegoat for all his disordered thinking and behavior.
OK, I’ll figure this out on my own.
Thank you so much! Honestly, even just getting my story out onto here I feel is enough now. I am totally no contact with my ex, I heard things through a mutual friend who has since dumped him! Thank you everyone for making me feel heard you have no idea how much this means to me
Yes I sang like a bird on an early Spring morning…gory details about my husband’s double life and secrets. He also did the same oh so tearful that I had gotten a protection order and lawyered up on his innocent self. He Told everyone I had been affected by my Job working with terminal children so didn’t meet his needs. The Good thing about spilling like that is that it culls the herd. The people who can’t take it, slither away, the people who would fight for you press closer, the double agents which I used for my benefit, knowing who they were helped me be quiet on any more details to share with them, so my husband wouldn’t know my plans. And then the ones who betrayed me completely or never asked how I was ..they are ALL gone. I spoke to a former dear friend and told her, her support for my cheater in any way,shape or form canceled our friendship until I felt better …that is if I ever felt better. Blocked both her and her husband who was “counseling ” my cheater. It went down hard, but the new and a few old friends that are left are gold. Tracy saved me 1000% by reading her No Contact stance and it saved my case at the end where my husband knew absolutely no details of my final divorce plan…so at the end .if you ever watched Legally Blonde, my divorce case ended with a huge bang of success in 3 hours of mediation in different rooms…. Far from each other.
No I did not win the biggest amount and yes I gave much away….,BUT a guillotine could not have done a better job of cutting us apart. A COMPLETE disconnection of our marriage and absolutely no ties to him at all. Our 32 years were as if we had never been married. We had no kids together so that was a huge plus. ( A vasectomy was part of my prenuptial.) So I was not a total fool..but still it was awful. So take courage, a better life is ahead no matter what. Watch your friends though…they can make or break you.
He lied to you and discarded you.
He’s lying to his family.
He’s lying to the new people in his life.
He’s a liar.
And lots of the people he’s lying to are just like you once were. You loved him. So you believed his lying and future faking.
The difference between you and them is he threatened to kill you. He betrayed you. He lied about you. He cost you thousands of dollars and left you to deal with the house without his financial help (been there, done that). He didn’t do that to his family or friends.
Yet. Here’s my extreme example, useful for many FW scenarios. Chris Watts had soulmate Schmoopie, so he killed his pregnant wife, his unborn son, and his two little daughters, not even school age. Then he jammed their bodies into the tight openings of two oil tanks and dropped them into liquid that ate at their flesh. His family not only supports him, they slander the woman he murdered. And he’s in prison for life but has wannabe girlfriends. So what you experienced is about par for the course with people who gave birth to and raised a monster. The friends are either operating on his level, and therefore think what he does is fine or they are low-character people who don’t care to exercise any judgment of the kind of company they keep.
You can’t see it now, but he did you a favor by not marrying you. And you aren’t in a position yet to see how much better your life will be when the people around you–the friends you will make now–are people of high character with solid values, people who are kind and honest.