How Do I Help My Grandchildren Through Their Parents’ Divorce?
Her daughter-in-law cheated and she wants to know how to help her grandchildren through the subsequent divorce.
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Dear Chump Lady,
My son found out his wife had been cheating on him for the last two years.
Two years he’d been working and paying for her nursing school, taking care of the household and kids, attending their sporting events. She was caught when she was seen with the boyfriend out of town by friends. My son offered counseling and she refused. She wanted both the boyfriend and her husband. My son said enough of that, got a lawyer and divorced her. I never interfered.
What pisses me off is my grandsons are hurting.
Effects of stress on one child with ADHD has worsened the condition. Night terrors and sleepwalking are happening a lot. He’s acting out, mad all the time, hates her for leaving. Normally a gifted athlete, he’s had to step back because he couldn’t concentrate. He’s just turned 12 and doesn’t want to go to the therapist he needs. His fourteen-year-old brother seems to be handling it better. He’s a smart thoughtful child that tries to help his brother. He’s emotionally good but, I worry he is internalizing his pain. He doesn’t want to talk to a therapist, just wants to be around his friends and ride his motorcycle. The mother is using him as her soundboard.
My husband and I took them on vacation for a week to let them have a nice time away from the divorce and let my son relax. When the grandson’s talked about the divorce, we reminded them they are not the blame, it was between the adults. We told them we didn’t like the divorce happened, and still cared for their mom.
We were trying to support them without placing blame, trying not to discuss it, just having fun.
One of the boy’s lamented she’d left because they’d been fighting a lot before. I wanted to pull my hair out of my head and scream but, remained calm. I realize she’s trying to justify her cheating to her children.
How do I remain neutral around the kids, support my son, and carefully handle the bullshit I hear?
Grandma
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Dear Grandma,
It sounds to me like the children don’t know why their parents divorced? And you’re feeling inauthentic about this whole “support them” and “not place blame” business. Because you know why they divorced and the kids don’t.
Divorce is hard enough on kids. Not knowing why their parents divorced is worse.
I would talk with your son and direct him to this community of people who’ve lived his nightmare. We’ve navigated this mess with minors. My advice — to your son — is to tell children the truth about the divorce, in age appropriate ways, with zero editorializing.
So, my script here would go: “Mom had a boyfriend and I chose to divorce.” Her choice. My choice. Action. Consequence. And no name calling or vitriol. No “mom’s a slut.” Your son might add, “I’ve been sad and upset about this, but I am always here for you.” He controls that — his side of parenting equation. Chumps are often asked to do impression management for cheaters — by staying silent or agreeing to the “we grew apart” narrative. Resist that.
It’s not okay to gaslight children.
Even with the best of intentions. They’re not stupid. They know their world has fallen apart for some reason — and sometimes kids have been introduced already to affair partners. They’re holding on to secrets trying to protect the chump parent. I’d suggest to your son that he get it out in the open and focus on his parenting. He’s still captaining this ship. Reassure the kids that everything is going to be okay. Yes, even if he feels like dying of heartbreak, be the sane parent.
The problem with keeping children in the dark is they think relationships break up for nebulous reasons. One day a cloud of “we fell out of love” descends and boom, goodbye. Versus the more understandable reality of people make choices. Choices come with consequences, sometimes we have to make painful choices. Our actions affect others. Treat people’s hearts with care.
Because there are ethical ways to end relationships. To cheat is to deceive, to defraud. Rejection and divorce are always painful, but infidelity is deliberate and unilateral. In this moment your son is teaching his sons how to behave — how to break up with someone — and what to do if someone transgresses. We don’t control other people, even people we love, we just control ourselves.
Her choice. My choice. Action. Consequence.
Effects of stress on one child with ADHD has worsened the condition. Night terrors and sleepwalking are happening a lot. He’s acting out, mad all the time, hates her for leaving. Normally a gifted athlete, he’s had to step back because he couldn’t concentrate. He’s just turned 12 and doesn’t want to go to the therapist he needs.
Is there a school counselor he could talk with? A Big Brothers organization? A coach? If I were this kid’s parent I would discourage him stepping back from athletics and I’d probably insist on therapy. He’s absolutely entitled to his feelings and his anger, but he doesn’t need isolation. Structure and activity are so important.
His fourteen-year-old brother seems to be handling it better. He’s a smart thoughtful child that tries to help his brother. He’s emotionally good but, I worry he is internalizing his pain. He doesn’t want to talk to a therapist, just wants to be around his friends and ride his motorcycle. The mother is using him as her soundboard.
No adult should slop their grief on to the kids.
Telling children age appropriately about divorce should be followed up with sane parenting. We’ve got two separate approaches here — feigned neutrality, no one is to blame — and mom’s emotionally incestuous sound boarding. Kids have the right to figure out their relationship with their parents. Those parents cannot burden them with their grief, or problems. Of course we don’t control the FW mom here. But the best way to counter character assassination from an ex or anyone is to just keep being your best self. The kids figure out in time who shows up for them and who doesn’t.
One of the boy’s lamented she’d left because they’d been fighting a lot before. I wanted to pull my hair out of my head and scream but, remained calm. I realize she’s trying to justify her cheating to her children.
Don’t parse the parents’ relationship with the kids. Cool. Bummer. Wow. You can validate their feelings “I know this is a hard time for you now” and then remind them who they are. “I’m really impressed with the way you’re helping your brother.” Or “Wow, that was an excellent book report on bats. Tell me more.”
Focus on them.
You’re steady. You love them. And you’re there.
That’s everything. And it’s so much more than a lot of kids ever get. Soldier on for your son and your grandkids.
Grandma,
I’ll draw upon what my mother did for my children (then 11, 16 and 18; two female and one male) when I went through all of this. In my case it was the children who found out that Ex-Mrs LFTT was cheating and then told me, so the “truth was already out there,” so my mother didn’t have to navigate the whole “they don’t know why” farrago. Nonetheless, my mother went out of her way to:
But I’d say that the most important thing was for her to be there for the long haul and my D-Day was 10 years ago, and my Divorce was finalised 8 years ago. My kids (now 21, 26 and 29) have grown to be very close to my mother, and I know (and am comfortable with) the fact that they still reach out to her when they need to.
Best of luck. I suspect that your son and your two grandsons have a wonderful ally in you.
LFTT
You can’t fix this, but you can come alongside. This kind of thing truly takes years. Don’t minimize their struggles, ever. Sometimes nothing you say is going to help.
Mine were in college when their dad took off. They barely spoke to me for a long time. All I got some days was, “What’s for dinner?” And I accepted that.
We got a dog during that period and rebonded over the dog. I didn’t have money for anything that wasn’t free, so we found healing walking her, playing with her, and sitting on the couch with her talking about anything and everything.
Over time, they opened up. I did not overshare and didn’t provide details during the divorce unless it related to them. They knew there were a lot of office visits and phone calls. I went no contact during the divorce, and when I explained that to them, they ended up doing that too.
To this day, they are not in contact with their dad, and we haven’t heard from him in several years. And they did fine. Both graduated with honors and got plum jobs. They’re acing young adulthood.
My son’s were 14 and 15 when their mother announced she wanted a divorce and insisted that we tell them it was because we were not getting along. I soon learned she had us tell them a lie, because she had been cheating with coworkers for years. Both my therapist and pastor told me not to collaborate in a lie to my son’s. Like Chumplady says, they need to know that actions have consequences and that they have no responsibility for the divorce. Their mother pitched a fit, but that was revealing to them as well. My parents were very helpful by providing a lot of unconditional love and attention. The 14 year old spent about two weeks with them in their mountain home. He worked out in a local gym prior to starting football practice and my mom fed him his favorite meals and they talked and talked. As an adult now with his own family he still remembers this time fondly. You can add a measure of stability by showing that you care and love them.
My 12 year old sensitive grandson saw me, grandma agr 69 leave my cheater. My d granddaughter age 16 never asked or said one word. My grandson idolized his cheating grandpa so I had to go slow and careful. I used the Star Wars movie as a back drop and talked about betrayers on board the star ship. There are always plenty of those. He understood but there was cheater I’m church every week with new wife while I went to another service. It helps me and might help you to.think of this heartbreaking event as a long end game. Its your presence for the next 10 years, your love, your devotion to their dad, your caring that will stand the test of time. Not just these first few years. I think Tracy says to be the sane grandparent in this horror show and just keep showing up over and over again until the divorce settles into every day life. I’m so sad to have had 2x divorces for my kids and now grandkids to live through with me. But I see how time does heal and staying sober in a reckless world still stands up above the chaos. Soldier on grandma and stand strong 💪
I want to applaud this lady for caring about how to handle this.
SO MANY PEOPLE DON’T!!!
Especially admirable considering the cheater was son’s wife.
Wanting to do the right thing and seeking advice on that is the absolute next best step.
I have navigated all of these types of scenarios with the help of our very good long-term family therapist.
Daughter has been told the truth. Everything that she has been told, when, and how, has been with her guidance, as well as guidance from another therapist I retained for my daughter after he left.
We also use our sessions to debrief and process what he tells her and what she experiences with him.
Of course, Traitor Ex, who was launched as a client for lying in therapy, does not like it.
(And curiously enough, he has not facilitated any counseling with our daughter to talk about how she feels, what she is going through, or what she experiences. I, the non-cheating parent, am the only parent who has arranged the outside help for the major emotional, mental, psychological first aid and healing necessitated by his actions.)
As a very good added benefit, using outside help also protects ME from allegations of parental alienation.
Even if the kids don’t go, YOU can go, your son can go, you can go together…just find someone good and go!
To your son:
“I’d like to seek some outside help and get some guidance on how to help the boys and how to handle the situations Ex Wife’s infidelity has created. Will you go with me?”
The key is to find someone good who understands the damage and effects of infidelity….not a cheater apologist shared blame type.
Good luck.
Great point about “side help” in telling children the truth about parental affairs and abuse to dodge any chance of being subjected to false “parental alienation” charges.
One way or another, children have to know the truth if simply to protect against perpetrator parents doing what disordered people always do: shifting the blame by fabricating outlandish accusations against victim parents and turning children against victim parents.
Grandma, it’s so wonderful that you came here for help.
If cheater ex is feeding the kids the “we fell out of love,” narrative, they may try in their own ways to keep her from falling out of love with THEM. It sounds like the older son is doing this through his role as sounding board for cheater mom, and he’s also taking on part of her parenting role with his younger brother, who sounds like he’s regressing. Neither of them are in good places mentally or emotionally.
The two best books I found on parenting were “Parents Who Cheat: How Children and Adults are Affected When Their Parents Are Unfaithful” by Ana Nogales, PhD with Laura Golden Bellotti, and “Cheating in a Nutshell: What Infidelity Does to The Victim (Asked, Answered and Explained) by Wayne Mitchell and Tamara Mitchell.
I also got “Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way” by M. Gary Neuman but his assumption for most of the book is that there was NOT cheating. He did write a section on “When your Current Relationship Involves Infidelity in Your Marriage” and a chapter on “When Parents Fight” which has some good advice.
The majority of chumps seem to get the majority of custody, and the sad truth is that many cheaters seem to lose their love for their kids and abandon their children over time.
The grandkids, and your son, are so lucky to have you in their lives.
That’s heartbreaking. Those poor kids. Stories like this one is why when a chump proclaims that the FW may have been a bad partner but was a good parent, I try to get them to see how wrong that sort of thinking is. The cheater knew it could destroy the family unit and harm the children, but did it anyway. That’s not my idea of a good parent. It doesn’t matter how many soccer games they may have attended or how many times they tended to the kids when they were sick, cheating blows all of that away and makes it irrelevant. When faced with a choice to either put themselves first and something incredibly frivolous, destructive and stupid or to put their kids first and protect their emotional well-being, they chose to be their frivolous, destructive and stupid selves, which is the person they really are. The “good parent” was always a mask they wore. After they’re caught they tend to stay their true selves, which is why they almost always make divorce even more traumatic than it has to be. That’s who they are- the asshole who won’t pay child support, who contests every miniscule, trivial thing the chump asks for, just in order to harass the chump. They use their kids as weapons against the chump, they lie to their kids and turn them inside out emotionally, they don’t show up for visitation and demand more visitation that they don’t actually want, just to harass the chump. So chumps, always believe what you are seeing now is who they really are, no matter who they used to seem to be.
Kudos on the grandparents for being so supportive and helping the kids get through this. 👏👏👏
I agree with others that these kids are very fortunate to have such devoted grandparents in their lives.
As far as counseling… it totally depends on the counselor. Look for those who understand that infidelity causes family trauma and that infidelity is a form of domestic abuse. The last thing chumped kids need is to end up with a victim-blaming therapist who acts as a clinical flying monkey/apologist for abusers. There are many like that since psychology and social work often attract the best and the worst and little in between.
My own therapist– double degrees from Trinity, head of her department, brilliant and hilarious– had been chumped herself and wasn’t hopeful that I’d be able to find anyone among her juvenile therapy colleagues who weren’t apologists for cheating and completely ignorant about coercive control. She said that family therapy is still too often stuck in the dark ages when it comes to domestic abuse.
I did knock on some doors without luck but eventually settled on surrounding my kids with fabulous role models with whom they could talk about anything.
Both of my kids were in college at the time and found adults they could vent to who were fantastic people all-around. Not therapists, but just good people. My son particularly needed that.
Let me join the chorus of people advising you to tell the kids the truth in a straightforward manner. I was a kid with an alcoholic, cheater dad. My Mom stayed with him and no one ever talked about what was going on except us kids would whisper about it. I grew up in an atmosphere of secrets. I put all the blame on my decision to marry and stay with a cheater on that home environment growing up. My ex made me feel insecure and like I didn’t fully understand what was going on. And to me, that felt normal and failed to set off the million red flags it should have. You can help protect your grandkids from a lifetime of pain by telling them the truth and giving them a foundation to understand what is happening and that it is not ok. You also need to train them that it’s ok to have boundaries. Sometimes other people are hurtful and it’s ok to name that and protect yourself from them. In fact, it’s the right thing to do. These are important and valuable lessons. Failing to talk with them just leads to greater harm in the long run.
I’m in the same boat except with an added twist — as my name implies, the FW is my daughter. When I found out about her affair I told her that I love her, pleaded with her to think about the trauma it would cause her kids, and let her know that I would never accept her AP into my family.
She never responded and she has not spoken to me since. I have maintained strong ties with her Chump and get to keep my strong relationship with my grandkids through him.
Neither of them have been particularly forthcoming with the kids about the cause for their divorce, on the advice of school counselors, and I know the kids are struggling to make sense of their new situation.
The youngest (9yo) is very confused as to why there’s no contact between me and her and tells me she just said we had an argument. He asks me what we argued about, and I tell him he needs to ask his mom. I hate that he so badly wants to know what’s going on in his life and nobody will tell him, but I know it’s not my place.
This stuff is hard.
I apologized to my kids for picking FW to be their dad. But I told them I was happy they were alive. The kids just need to know they are safe and things will be stable. The worst is for them to have to visit 2 houses every week and not have a home. I would push for sole custody. A young adult friend of my daughter who is home for the summer from college said he didnt bother to unpack his duffelbag and just takes a backpack between his two parents houses. He says he just lives out of a backpack. That broke my heart for him. The kids suffer. I would try to keep everything as close to baseline as possible. Ok moms MIA but it seems like she was MIA as a mom anyways while the dad did everything. But at least they are at the age where boys really need their dads. Dads turn boys into men. Dads are important. So I agree, Grandma can step in and be the strong female in their life. And yeah the kids need to know that the mom had an affair which lead to the divorce. Absolutely. Its just stating the truth. Covering it up is worse for the kids. Dad is not responsible for keeping her secrets.
Grandma, there were a lot of problems in my nuclear family. My aunts made a huge difference in my life, as did my coach. Sane, caring adults, especially those who provide and support healthy experiences for the kids, give kids a respite from chaotic families and both the traumatized parent and the disordered one.