How Do You Navigate Dating as a Single Parent?
The Friday Challenge is to share your strategies for dating as a single parent. Two years after the divorce, OP wants to date but her ex is interfering.
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Dear Chump Lady,
I have been divorced for 2 years after discovering multiple public affairs, and probably many side pieces I never knew about.
In the beginning, my coparent only occasionally exercised his parenting time. Considering we had a 2 year old and an infant, I was actually okay with this. It gave my girls routine and stability, not to mention I was still breastfeeding. After all that had happened, I never wanted to date again. I was so glad to just have peace (or at least some reprieve from the torture).
About a year ago, my ex started getting them more during his parenting time. I was grateful, as I have a really busy job and he was not working at all. My kids began talking about “Mrs Jessica” (name changed, obviously).
I asked him if he was seeing someone, but he told me it was their church teacher. Of note, I had a restraining order during this time, due to stalking, harassment. I was genuinely scared of him, but I eventually dropped it, which is a story for another time.
Come to find out, he is living with this girl, which is a violation of our custody agreement.
He lives about an hour away from us. So, I don’t think showing up at 10 p.m. with the police to fetch my kids, (which is what the decree says is allowed if a sex partner is staying the night), was good for small kids.
He says the restraining order (which he didn’t honor anyway) is the reason he couldn’t tell me about the girlfriend. Over the months, they have gone very public with their relationship. She posts “mommy and me” photos, calls herself their stepmom, etc.
I am not on social media, but well-meaning people send me screenshots. I did tell them I thought this was inappropriate and insensitive, but of course, they don’t care.
He has been obsessed with the concept of me seeing someone.
And he asked to be informed if I introduce the girls to a man. He also requested that he meet the man first.
I am now dating someone, and after 4 months, we decide it’s okay for us all to hang out. We met at the park and went for a lunch, not playing house or spending the night at my home.
I gave it some thought and discussed with my new suitor, who is also a father, and decided I thought it was courteous to let my ex know we would be spending a few hours together. As someone who has no family around and finds single parenting extremely sad and lonely, I was so excited just to have a companion and extra set of hand at the park.
As expected, my ex blew up, cursed me out, contacted the other guy via social media, and told me I’m horrible for not allowing them to meet first.
I didn’t let it ruin our time, but I had that usual sick nauseated feeling my ex has given me for years. My new friend feels terrible for putting me in this position, and is agreeable to meet with him. As with every aspect of working with my ex, I have to pacify his every request in order to prevent him from cursing at me or making my life a living hell. At some point, I would like to be able to establish better boundaries, but then I fold when I realize he’s just making life harder for me when he doesn’t get his way.
How do single parents approach dating as a single parent, especially with young children?
And how they do it with respect to their coparent? I have genuinely tried to be respectful, mostly for the sake of my children, but maybe I’m doing this wrong? It’s uncharted territory. He knows the best way to get to me is by telling me I’m an irresponsible mom.
Of note, immediately post divorce, a guy at my gym sexually assaulted me a few times and being that I am used to men being mean to me and also being at rock bottom, I didn’t realize how bad it was. My ex went through my text messages with my BFF when he snatched my phone last year, and knows about it. He uses this as a weapon to tell me I might bring dangerous men around our kids. Which is why he demanded he meet any potential boyfriends I might bring around. He has used this as a weapon many times, as he knows how deeply embarrassed I am by that situation.
Thank you again for all you do,
M
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Dear M,
Before we open the floor to how other chumps navigate dating as a single parent, let’s discuss your situation.
Your ex is in violation of the custody agreement.
Fuck him, fuck his threats. You need to send those screenshots to your attorney and DOCUMENT this timeline. Talk to your lawyer about next steps. Maybe she informs him that he’s in violation of the order. Perhaps she threatens that any further harassment of you, (like snatching your phone and reading private conversations!) will result in immediate criminal charges.
I’m not a lawyer, I’m a lady with a blog. But my point is, you need to let your extremely creepy ex know that you are NOT isolated, your lawyer is watching, and the heavy boot of the law will be on his neck if he continues to try and control you. Also, read up on post-separation abuse and coercive control.
Step back.
You are not in violation of the order, he is.
You haven’t done anything outside your court order with dating or making introductions. And you certainly did NOT ask to be sexually assaulted. How dare he try to weaponize that against you! He and your rapist are the same sort of FW. It’s disgusting that he’s using this traumatic experience to undermine your parenting and ability to move on. Which is why it’s imperative to set some hard boundaries.
I would seriously consider reinstating the protection from abuse order with your ex, which would probably mean revoking his parental time. And I would insist that all communication move to third-party parenting software.
Now, let’s look at your rookie mistakes.
He says the restraining order (which he didn’t honor anyway) is the reason he couldn’t tell me about the girlfriend.
He knows what the rules are. That’s why he’s blameshifting. Gosh, if you hadn’t gotten a restraining order… No one is going to buy that crap. He’s conditioned you to buy it, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to go over well with a judge.
He has been obsessed with the concept of me seeing someone.
Not your problem. His distress, his obsessions, his constipation or WTFever is not your job to solve or sooth. He’s obsessed with Egg McMuffins. Doesn’t mean you have to make a trip to the drive thru.
We can’t control FWs.
But they love to dangle the lie that we can control them with our compliance. Assuage me! Pretzel yourself! Submit! And then I WON’T DO THE SCARY THING! They’re all about doing the scary thing, so cut that motherfucker off at the knees.
And he asked to be informed if I introduce the girls to a man. He also requested that he meet the man first.
Not appropriate. Make him ask this via parenting software to demonstrate his controlling behavior. I would respond (via software), “per our custody order, subsection A2.3, I will inform you in the future if I have a live-in partner.” (And don’t take the bait on the “who are you dating” shit.)
I gave it some thought and discussed with my new suitor, who is also a father, and decided I thought it was courteous to let my ex know we would be spending a few hours together.
IT IS NOT YOUR EX’S BUSINESS THAT YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND.
His feelings are not a court order. His distress is not a court order. YOU ONLY HAVE TO OBEY THE COURT ORDER. (Yes, the very order he is NOT obeying.)
You are divorced. Your life is none of his business, except in the narrow ways of coparenting as defined by the custody decree. Know your rights here and stop trying to appease this freak.
As expected, my ex blew up, cursed me out, contacted the other guy via social media, and told me I’m horrible for not allowing them to meet first.
You document that and send it to your attorney, STAT. This is hugely inappropriate and potentially criminal harassment.
Going forward, understand that you cannot control your ex, but you can have boundaries and go no contact/gray rock.
My new friend feels terrible for putting me in this position, and is agreeable to meet with him.
We don’t negotiate with terrorists. Hell NO are you meeting with them. This puts a lot of pressure on a four-month relationship, and we are NOT rewarding your FW. Your ex isn’t coming on your dates, or inspecting your bed sheets, or sniffing your hair. He can just fuck all the way OFF.
As with every aspect of working with my ex, I have to pacify his every request in order to prevent him from cursing at me or making my life a living hell.
You have tried to pacify his requests and he still makes your life a living hell. It’s time to make HIS life a living hell with legal boundaries and criminal charges if he persists.
Better boundaries NOW.
At some point, I would like to be able to establish better boundaries
We are at that point. Actually, that point is past and gone, but it’s never too late to learn boundaries.
but then I fold when I realize he’s just making life harder for me when he doesn’t get his way.
Stop folding. You’re reinforcing his bullying. It’s not your fault he’s a bully and a FW, but giving him what he wants feeds his entitlement that he can keep trying to control you. He CANNOT. Live in that truth. PUSH BACK via the law, and by not engaging.
Now then, to your original request.
How do you handle dating as a single parent?
CN, share your strategies and stories with M. And TGIF!
M urgently needs boundaries, and not only with her ex. I really hope she reported the perpetrator/perps at her gym.
An unemployed father recruiting a “mommy” from church? Not good for the kids. Step away from the chaos.
I would say that Job 1 would be to get connected, and fast, with the nearest domestic violence prevention organization, and keep in frequent touch with them. This (thankfully) ex-husband qualifies as an abusive male, and the power and control does not end with the divorce decree as we can see.
You can call mine until you find one near you.
http://www.centerfordomesticpeace.org
Thank you so much for taking the time to send me resources. And for opening my eyes to the harsh reality of this situation.
A restraining order or a protective order cannot prevent someone’s decision to be violent, but they are big teeth that law enforcement can use, and so it’s always better to have it than not have it. It’s actually prudent to plan on a perpetrator violating an RO. Don’t assume they will abide by the law. If they respected laws and other people and agreements and boundaries, you would not be in the position you are.
❤️
Perhaps one day I will share the SICK story of how he manipulated me into dropping my restraining order. For now, the embarrassment lingers….
On the subject of dating as a single parent, I haven’t done that yet. What I was taught by the therapists who have helped me, and also my daughter’s therapist is
1) Don’t date until you are officially divorced.
2) Don’t bring anyone around your children until a year after that at the earliest.
Her therapist also told me hardly anyone does that. I am very glad I have been the exception.
Divorce is hard enough for them to process without forcing new partners down their throats.
It’s been seven years since DDay as of October. I still have homework and healing to do and the last thing I need is a relationship complicating things. I want to be solid as possible on my own. I need to become an expert at loving and caring for myself. That means actions, behavior.
I am also really enjoying being on my own. The right person for me will be around whenever I feel ready and able.
My daughter’s feelings count. Her world was blown up too. She’s been flipped out enough. Before I had her, I could do whatever I wanted. Now that she is here, I need to be considerate of her. Which is not something cheaters and side pieces do.
This is sage advice, thank you so much for sharing. You sound like a wonderful mom. I am so happy you and your daughter are getting the happiness and peace you deserve
💯 SAME, but 9 yrs out & 3 kids. I will never bring a man around my children until they are adults and have requested to meet him. Too risky. I have several women friends whose boyfriends harmed their minor kids in big and small ways in the past few years. Unless you have a vetted unicorn of a man and have known him for years, it’s really not worth it.
Well said, hush.
Until unicorn men are clearly labeled and discernible from the otherwise 100% abusive gen pop, I will not place my kid or myself in harm’s way.
This is very good advice, thank you <3
Time to make some big boundaries!
And time to step away from the chaos.
I wonder if your energy would better served working on yourself then enforcing the decree which he clearly won’t follow. You have lots of exciting, hard emotional and traumatic work to do on yourself.
….
As for moving forward. I dated too soon. Classic mistake. But I guess I needed the validation dating brought.
I did the online thing. I didn’t introduce my high schoolers to anyone until I met the “one”.
I made huge boundaries with my x.
I only emailed about necessary topics. I got the hang of it. I still have emotional healing to do.
It’s pretty clear your x will always make chaos and trouble. Keep walking far away.
It’s true that protective orders don’t always stop fists and bullets or home invasions and stalking. But they can sometimes mean police come faster and won’t be as confused and dithering about what’s really going on in the case the abuse escalates.
At the very least a protective order can make it much harder for an abuser to do what a lot of abusers love to do which is to shift the onus for wrongdoing to victims and frame their victims as abusers. In other words, getting an order of protection can block abusers from filing for one on false grounds out of retaliation. By the same token, a protective order can also be part of the paper trail of threatening and criminal behavior that the OP may eventually be able to leverage in protecting herself, her children and any of her supporters.
Chances of getting full custody even when an abuser is Freddie Kreuger are pretty slim but, if this happened, it would effectively burn the main tie which abusers often exploit to maintain control and the power to sow chaos in the lives of victims. Getting a protective order could at least be a first step in that general direction.
Chump Lady is dead on with this. You had a restraining order for a reason and you need one. This all needs to stop. You need to enforce that and he needs to be charged every single time he crosses that line.
I was lucky that I had a very good lawyer. I never even met him, just talked to him over the phone, and he helped me do an uncontested divorce so it cost me very little. When I told him what my ex was doing, he told me point blank, “That is abuse. He should be charged for that, he is already committing domestic violence according to the legal definition in our state by threatening you. He doesn’t get to do that. He should be arrested. You should call the police and report him.”
I did not call the police and instead he helped me make a plan to get out of the marriage as fast as possible but he insisted that I at least pack a bag and put it in my car so I could run if I needed to. But that conversation changed a lot for me. I didn’t see it as abuse until his reaction. He wasn’t hitting me.
Your ex is screaming at you, is he making threats? He’s contacting other people in your life that he doesn’t even know to threaten them as well? That’s stalking. He is not your husband. Your life is none of his business. This is criminal behavior and it might not seem so bad to you because you lived with an abusive psycho and don’t realize how off and unacceptable this is. I get that because I went through it. I didn’t realize how bad it was until my lawyer had a WTF?! This is not a normal divorce! reaction.
So, I’m telling you that this is bad. It’s really bad. His behavior is completely unacceptable. You need to enforce or reinstate that restraining order and document everything. Report every violation. He and his disgusting Ms. Jessica need to leave you alone and respect the custody order. You cannot be nice with people like this. They see any niceness as weakness and will attack. You go by the orders to the letter, do not give them any wiggle room to use against you because they will.
As for dating, I can’t help with that. My son was already a young adult when I divorced. I wish you the best though and hope you end up with a great partner.
“They see any niceness as weakness and attack” – this is so true! Thank you for your input. As stated above, one day I might share my ridiculous story of how I dropped my old restraining order (yes that order that he didn’t abide by at all). For now, I’ve consulted with my attorney and a new (to me) attorney, and we are figuring out what I can do here. Thank you sincerely for weighing in.
Katie– you’re touching on something important– that, in some states, orders of protection also cover third party intervention, meaning when perpetrators use third parties to “get at” their victims in various ways.
To my pleasant surprise, the bench-issued order of protection I had against a workplace stalker back in the day also covered any third parties the perp might use to try to contact me or pressure me in any way. This was not explained to me by the judge on the criminal case nor the DA– maybe as part of the shady game courts play of not fully explaining to victims what their rights are, possibly in order to leave certain enforcement issues to police discretion. I even described repeatedly how the stalker’s triangulation and his flying monkey’s enabling was threatening my job but the ADA said nothing.
Luckily the head of the police anti-terrorism unit decided to exercise that secret loophole of discretion. He involved himself in the case and called me after I reported to police that a flying monkey coworker had informed me that the stalker– who was still in jail at that moment– was “suicidal.” What happened next was totally unexpected and permanently changed my perspective on the dynamics of coercion and aggression, right and wrong, basic human rights and also the “officially condoned” way to view sad sausage displays by dangerous people.
When he called, the captain heading the terrorism unit reported to me how he’d gone to the stalker’s cell in county and personally threatened him with stiffer criminal charges for breaking the order via a third party. I strongly sensed from the captain’s menacing tone as he quoted this exchange to me, he also likely threatened the stalker with possible “extrajudicial” consequences (stalker having the shit beaten out of him).
To put it mildly, there was absolutely nothing in the captain’s icy, gravely voice of doom that conveyed any whiff of sad sausage concern whether the stalker lived or died so, when the perp’s cell was apparently scrubbed of anything that could be used as a noose or weapon and he was put on suicide watch, it seemed more about sparing the jail the mess of a dead inmate. Also on this call, the captain instructed (actually commanded) me to name the names of any other coworkers who’d intervened on behalf of the stalker and to report anything they’d done or said that could possible constitute playing “messenger” or go-between. Then he apparently called each and every one of the flying monkey coworkers and threatened them– probably in the same pitiless tone– with felony witness tampering.
The idiot flying monkeys still didn’t seem to grasp that this wasn’t merely seventh grade bullying and triangulation anymore because, after the stalker was bailed out of jail by his doctor daddy, one of the flying monkeys made a last pass at triangulation and told one of my workplace allies that “jail wouldn’t help [the stalker].” Though I really didn’t see how this still represented “third party violation,” I reported the incident as instructed (commanded) and, the same day, a heavily armed 8-man SWAT team re-arrested the stalker at the family home of the same flying monkey messenger. Then another captain on the force, the head of Swat, showed up at my place of work still dressed in tactical gear to deliver the news of the arrest to me in front of the whole company.
At first I was mortified and thought for sure I’d be fired just for being a magnet for trouble. But the company owner– who famously prided himself on being unimpressed by anything or anyone– seemed dazzled like a little kid to get a visit from such a high ranking member of law enforcement. I thought he was going to ask to sit on the Swat captain’s lap and wear his helmet lol. Instead he offered the Swat captain and his side kick free lunch at the neighboring cafe he also owned. As he cheerfully sat down to lunch, the Swat captain winked at me and said, “So and so [head of the terrorism unit] says hi.”
The whole thing was apparently theater. When they feel like it, police know exactly how to use power to send an effective message– in this case to snuff triangulation. Though I was very glad that somehow this had all been done on my behalf to keep my from losing my job or being forced to quit, it upset me that the theater was necessary to convince bystanders that the law had these powers because of how rarely this is ever expressed on behalf of most victims.
At the time I was getting support for PTSD from a therapist and group meetings associated with a DV shelter because this was all that was available through victim-witness services and learned that I was getting total “unicorn” treatment, likely because I was young and blond and middle class and also because the crime against me was more akin to “stranger danger” whereas, had I been in a personal relationship with the stalker, I might have seen a far less helpful and more victim-blaming face of the justice system.
That made me feel sick which is why I later decided to train as an advocate for DV survivors so that one day my experience with the justice system might be expected for every victim. As it was the apparently “special” treatment I got was really the bare minimum that saved my hide. For instance, the little Santa Claus appearance of the Swat captain finally got the company owner off the fence regarding which “side” the company was taking in the matter (mine). From there it was easy to get all the flying monkeys fired and finally end the campaign of ongoing third party harassment I’d been enduring for weeks, something I hadn’t even known was possible. I’d previously assumed that I was expected to quit my job if I couldn’t hack it and I actually internalized minimizing bullshit like when people would say “Tsk, don’t let these idiots live in your head rent free.” For fuck’s sake, the idiots were only living in my head because they had had the power to ruin my life!
One of the reasons this particular event stands out in memory is because I suddenly saw the stark and stupendous difference that a single shift in perspective can make regarding how we see the same exact behavior (in this case, a flying monkey delivering a stalker’s suicide threat) once we learn that the particular behavior is, in fact, criminal.
Before the encounter with the anti-terrorism squad captain, I actually felt like I had a responsibility to report the stalker’s suicidality for the protection of the stalker himself, like it was my civic duty and, furthermore, there was an implied pressure that, in order to play the role of the “good victim” (who didn’t secretly wish the stalker dead), I had to evince a degree of “concern.” But then, upon learning that the flying monkey and perp had broken the law and also seeing that this captain was solely focused on that aspect of the event and was completely unmoved (likely due to experience) by the sad sausage humanity of it, I could suddenly clearly see how suicide threats from perpetrators are simply part of a general terror and control campaign. And from the captain’s demeanor, I caught that the latter is true even if a threat is followed by a successful suicide attempt.
It was because of this event that I began to understand that coercive control– whether or not any particular region has yet criminalized it– is a fundamentally criminal act. Again, it forever changed the way I saw all sorts of garden variety forms of aggression I encountered in that industry and interpersonally. I felt like I’d been released from some crippling cultural expectation to act like I actually gave a shit about dangerous and abusive people in order to somehow “exonerate” myself as a good person, ergo “undeserving of violent aggression.”
How completely fucked up is that? Anyway, very long story short, I refused to keep it to myself that third party meddling can, depending on state law, be viewed as a violation of protective orders. Unfortunately this can often be under the discretion of police to enforce or not enforce which is just wrong but I think it can help survivors perspective in some ways to know that it’s wrong. If the public generally understood that triangulating on behalf of perps can be charged as felony tampering or, at the very least, lead to worse consequences for perpetrators, it could radically change the social dynamics that enable all sorts of abusers and keep victims from effectively fighting back and protecting themselves.
Yes, reinstate the protective order and get your attorney in the loop. Your only responsibility towards your ex is to follow the legal documents. This is post-divorce coercive control. Domestic violence organizations can help you make sense of this and provide strategies.
Sadly, these types can escalate, so take this seriously. You shouldn’t be trying to negotiate with this terrorist.
I agree. He has already escalated by contacting her friend with threats. Meeting with him would likely be dangerous for them both.
During my divorce, my attorney sent me to a domestic violence specialist for a formal eval and report in case I needed a protective order because the signs were there. We never got a protective order but decided to press hard to complete the divorce, and we did. Thankfully, my ex was living out of state. I didn’t have custody issues and took out everything requiring ongoing contact related to our college kids. He was also in poor health. I had already completely broken contact with his side of the family. The hope was that he would stay away; as far as I know, he has.
Post-divorce, I followed the specialist on LinkedIn and was pleased when she changed jobs from the county to a large domestic violence organization with multiple shelters. When I saw her, she was doing the assessments as a side business, and now she was in the field that was her passion. I had given funds to that organization several times and was on their email list.
Imagine my horror when I got an email from the organization that her husband had killed her at home. She was planning to leave, and he found out and shot her. Neighbors heard the yelling and shots and called the police. He’s in prison.
Yes, even people who are aware of the risks stay too long.
“You have tried to pacify his requests and he still makes your life a living hell. It’s time to make HIS life a living hell with legal boundaries and criminal charges if he persists.”
This right here… this is the most important part. I’m with CL… this is not about how to date as a single parent… this is about removing the ex-fw from your life and building your own life. I think you’re in the habit of submitting to his outlandish behavior because that’s what you’ve been conditioned to do. I get that.. it is a hard habit to break when we fear these fw’s. It’s hard living in that fear. I’ve been there. The only way out tho is to step out of that fear and stand on your right to be you. You are autonomous. You divorced him. He no longer gets to control what you do. He gets to do what he wants.. why don’t you?? I get it can be dicey if he’s really dangerous and if that’s the case… step up the legal game. Find a way to protect yourself at all times. I’m not allowed to legally own a firearm but I have knives and whatnot all over my home.. within a hands reach at any time. Fight for your kids. Change lawyers if you have to. My first lawyer said I wouldn’t get anything but standard custody. I got a solid recommendation from a women’s DV org and got full physical and *legal* custody. It’s possible. It’s hard when we’ve been so beaten down but stick with these ladies right here and we will pour that courage into you until you have enough to pour back into someone else on here. This is how we do this.
I was so beaten down when I found the Chump Nation I literally believed I didn’t have a right to breathe without his say-so. I think you can change that within you as well. Keep soaking up the wisdom here and it will fundamentally change you as you begin to take these small steps. Sending much love and hugs as you travel this road. We are here for you.
ETA the ex-fw that was the father of my kids (not the last one re breathing) but just want to say that that ex brought in his ho-stress into the picture immediately after separation claiming it was a church friend. I was with that first lawyer who claimed I would have to settle for standard custody so that lawyer demanded I turn over my kids for Thanksgiving weekend. Even tho I had an ex-parte order. So I did. Ex’s “church friends'” daughter was supposed to babysit while he worked the Friday after even tho I insisted I would because I was off work. When my kids called on Thursday night to say good-night… my daughter wisely stated ex’s “friend” was going to take them to work with her instead. She worked at an inpatient/outpatient drug rehab center. As an ex-addict… that’s great you work to help people. As an ex-rehabber… you’re not taking my 6 and 7 yo to that enviroment for the day. I got my ex-parte order and went and got my kids. Lo and behold he was sleeping… naked… with his “church friend/rehabber” on the sofa bed bc he only had a 1 bed apartment. I was about to lose my shit but fortunately my sister was with me and she just hard shoved me through (I can still feel her hand on my back to this day 30 years later lol) and we grabbed my kids and left. Grateful for her clear headed actions. I cried my eyes out but knew we were done.. a mere 2 weeks before he had me doing the pick me dance and he only loved me bullcrap. I had the truth then. I switched lawyers and never looked back. That man died without having a relationship with his children and that’s on him. My kids are grown now and we have broken the trauma cycle. They’re doing great with successful careers and marriages… all without him and his bullshit.
Thank you so much for your input, I’ve re read it a few times and it has helped me so much. I am happy to report I’ve made some big strides in the past week.
“Literally didn’t think I had the right to breathe without his say-so” – ohhhh the accuracy!
Putting up boundaries everywhere, thanks to all of you for opening my eyes to this. Also, I love hearing your success story, and am happy your kids have done so well. It gives me hope for me and my girls.
Yay, I do love happy endings and hearing that your kids are doing great and the cycle of abuse– which had obviously built to category 5 levels over many generations in your exFWs family of origin– has been stopped and stomped and buried forever. It’s even arguable that the world is a measurably better place because of that. You are mighty indeed.
This sounds like another very high risk situation since it’s “coercive control”– with or without history of violent assault– which is considered by forensic researchers as the “golden thread” that best predicts the statistical risk of an abuser eventually engaging in lethal violence. And this ex is definitely engaging in coercive control and should be regarded accordingly– as a dangerous criminal abuser.
That’s true even if coercive control is not yet criminalized in M’s region. M herself and her supporters and legal team should view her ex as a dangerous criminal and base all decisions with this in mind starting with immediate documentation of all threats and coercive behavior and reinstatement of the protective order. Whether or not M can feasibly attain full custody of children, that should at least be the unambiguous goal of everything she and her lawyers do moving forward because, in a better world, this ex would be behind bars for what he’s doing and M, her children and supporters wouldn’t be having to look over their shoulders at all.
Unfortunately, despite statistical research proving associative risk between coercive control and domestic murder, coercive control is only criminalized in the UK so far. A few US states like Connecticut, California and Hawaii have civil statutes allowing victims to file for orders of protection even against coercively controlling abusers who have not yet been violent. CA and Hawaii also reportedly allow victims of coercive control to gain sole custody of children under certain circumstances. But many states have coercive control legislation pending and there’s increasing awareness and recognition of the signs and risks in legal and advocacy channels.
M might consider finding these resources and getting appropriate feedback on her situation and support because it’s the resources that are versed in coercive control that will never minimize the risk she’s facing or lecture her on “father’s rights” or demand she show proof of broken bones and scars as evidence of “real abuse.” The abuse she’s endured already is real enough and the danger she’s in is more than merely speculative. Nobody should have to live with the “sword of Damocles” hanging over their heads like this.
Screenshotted this and have re read it multiple times. I am very grateful you took the time to write this, and I have already started stepping up my legal game. I’ve never taken the time to read up on coercive control until now, and it’s been eye opening. I appreciate your blunt honesty, truly
I’m glad to hear you’re battening the hatches and I hope the things you’re reading about– as dark as they are– validate your sense of truth and strengthen your resolve. Sadly an extraordinary veteran survivor advocate and spearhead for the coercive control legislative movement, Dr. Evan Stark, recently passed away but he left a massive body of written work and research over the past fifty years. Some of his work is very accessible, like his book Coercive Control, but even his clinical work can be healing and validating because of the great respect he always expresses for survivors and their often misunderstood survival strategies. https://www.ncdsv.org/uploads/1/4/2/2/142238266/fipvq_dangers-of-dangerousness-assessment_11-20-2013.pdf
More than any other domestic abuse researchers, Stark and his wife Ann Flitcraft have done the most to debunk and upend traditional victim-blaming theories which framed survivors as all “codependent” and “masochistic.” Their chapter on domestic violence in the 90s tome Post-traumatic Stress Therapy and the Victims of Violent Crime edited by the founder of psychotraumatology, Frank Ochberg (also coiner of the Stockholm Syndrome/captor bonding theory) is a brilliant takedown of traditional clinical victim-blaming, really the last word on it. I always recommend it as mental shield for survivors who are being subjected to clinical or bystander blame.
My fw tried to get me to agree to meeting anyone we dated. Of course he never intended to keep that on his side. In his verbiose fashion after he found out I was in a serious relationship with a guy who had martial arts training, told me in a long letter how my now husband wasn’t allowed to touch or hurt our son. As if I would allow that?
His inability to control me or use me as a mommy appliance infuriated him. The only way to stop this is to refuse any communication except through parenting software.
You cannot be friends. He won’t allow it. He is continuing his abuse in any way he can. Make child transfer happen in neutral locations and never give him access to your devoces. You, your friend, and anyone who supports you should block him on social media, period. Communicate through lawyer if you must. Cut off his information about you.
You have played by the rules, and let his infractions slide. Don’t. Report them to your lawyer. He will escalate if you don’t hold him accountable.
I only started to be free when I started to ignore his holier than thou attempts to control me. Blocking him and his partner of the hour was the best thing for my well being. Do not drag your new friend into this, it has nothing to do with them. He has no right to make demands.
I reread the parenting plan and divorce decree and followed it. It allowed me to ignore anything else he asked. Eventually he stayed in his lane. He still will test the fences like the jerk he is, but now I know he will go back to behaving if I don’t bend.
You don’t deserve to continue to be his punching bag. He has no right to any of what he asks. Do you think that meeting your friend will go well? What do you think he intends to do? At least intimidate him. There is no scenario in meeting where he suddenly becomes someone reasonable. None. Drop that rope.
Wishing you strength!
I’ve posted some updates above but just wanted to say thank you for sharing. This is one of those comments I’ve re read several times, and it opens my eyes a little more each time.
This is my ex exactly. The only answer is to go no contact/grey rock. I don’t communicate with my ex AT ALL. I’m lucky that he is remarried (i feel very sorry for her but I’m glad she is in my daughter’s life) and I only communicate with her. He still sends me emails and texts guised as being polite, courteous, co-parenting type messages, but it is all. about. control. That is all he wants. If you haven’t read it already, read Lundy Bancroft’s ‘why does he do that?’. That book freed me. The less you communicate with him the better. I will warn you, tho, that once you disengage, he will use the girls to try to control you by controlling them. My daughter is 15. We have 50/50 shared custody. She tells me that her dad tells her where she is going to college, what she will major in, where she will go to grad school, etc. She hates it. I have no problem telling her that he is disordered. (That’s the word I settled on when figuring out how to let her know his behavior is not normal, and it’s not kind.) He will continue to do this. It’s like playing wack a mole.
Oh and he did always try to “meet” anyone i was dating. Inviting us over for dinner, going out to dinner. Don’t say no. Don’t say anything. Delete, delete, delete, ignore, ignore, ignore. Once you have some time/distance, you’ll see how this person came into your life and manipulated you intentionally from day 1. stay strong. <3
I have done just this and it has already made all the difference. Thank you for helping me.
This is great advice.
Dear M, I could almost have written your letter, many years ago when I separated from my first husband. He too applied totally different “rules” to himself and me. He made me scared to make a move–in my own house and in my own life–lest he explode in criticism and rage. When I then started dating someone, my ex became even more (verbally) menacing and intrusive, even though he had moved on himself and was in an established relationship with schmoopie.
The one thing I’d add to the great advice above is this: Something that’s making things harder for you–and again, I’m speaking from my own experience–is the voice in your head that still grants your ex an undeserved authority to comment on your life. For example, you write, “He knows the best way to get to me is by telling me I’m an irresponsible mom.” This surveillance and criticism is a key part of an abusive dynamic, and the fact that you are coparenting gives him a point of access. Like you, I found it tremendously hard to learn how to not let my ex “get me” by criticizing my parenting, my personality, or any aspect of my life.
But learn you will, and you will grow in the process. So please do whatever you can to speed up your learning curve. This means getting support, support, support. Abuse thrives when there are no other voices around to assert reality.
Thus I agree with everyone above who says that you will have more strength in this situation if you consult a lawyer and/or a domestic violence prevention center (or join any kind of zoom support group for women with abusive exes). I also strongly recommend seeing a therapist, if you can afford that. And it needs to be a therapist who really understands about abuse, rather than just someone who will “hold your hand” and think their job is to help you to try to appease your ex.
Because you sound so similar to me when I was in your situation, I will add the words I would now say to my frightened former self:
You are a beautiful, kind woman. You are not perfect–no one is!–but you are a GOOD MOM. You are living your life with principles and with dignity. Because of this, love and kindness will come around you, in time. Your ex is really poisonous and ill, and you don’t need to listen to a word he says. In time you will see that you are in fact bigger than him, and a much stronger person. He will shrink in your mind, and you will be free.
Sending hugs.
💯 Affordable online counseling support, by women who have survived abusive husbands and deeply understand abuse and literally all the lessons we know and discuss here in Chump Nation, can be found at Betrayal Trauma Recovery – BTR dot org. Check out the BTR podcast to see if it resonates.
“the voice in your head that still grants your ex an undeserved authority to comment on your life.”
This is the key to breaking the cycle.
Yes, and it takes so much work to shut that dynamic down! I wish this site (and all the podcasts on coercive control etc.) had been around when I was going through that.
me too, Leedy. me too.
Dear M, just to add a word to my earlier comment: another phrase in your letter that jumped out at me is “as I have a really busy job and he was not working at all.” If by chance you currently have more money or more earning power than your ex, this may give you an edge. For example, if it’s possible to create a situation where you and he will communicate about coparenting etc. only through your lawyers–or through a mediator for whom you and your ex share the expense–he may not have the financial means to keep up the game of harassing you. Just a thought.
M needs to learn that appeasement won’t work for her anymore than it did for Neville Chamberlain. The more concessions you make, the more they will demand and the more emboldened they are with their vile behaviour. You cannot appease Nazis, terrorists or FWs.
Dating as a single parent isn’t *that* hard, and the letter writer is already doing that. The hard thing letter writer is really struggling over is managing boundaries with an abusive jerk. Fix *that* and the dating dilemma will practically solve itself.
Thank you all sincerely for taking the time to comment, I’ve read through these comments multiple times and each time, it starts to sink in more and more. I have consulted with a second attorney “the man eater” in addition to consulting with the attorney I’ve been using all along. We have already made some strategies (I started requesting his half of expenses, gasp! I have never once requested anything from him), along with other ideas they have given me. I’ve taken some time to read up on coercive control, which has been eye opening. And most importantly, I have gone as close to no-contact as possible outside of anything directly involving our kids. I’m a little scared this is going to get worse before it gets better, but I’m trying to stay ahead of it. I already feel TWENTY TIMES better.
As I told Tracy, I could have never even taken the first step to getting out of that marriage if it weren’t for this blog. And now, trying to navigate these post divorce issues…. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
Also, can we all agree that even though Tracy is self-proclaimed just “a lady with a blog”, she is so much more than that. I would retain her as my lawyer tomorrow, JD degree be damned!!