How Quickly Can You Suss Out a Cheater?

My nopes:

Any kind of sexism whether “benevolent” and patronizing or hostile. There’s a happy middle ground between suffocating daddy figure or he-man woman hater.

Gawks at women, can’t seem to control themselves though may use tricks to conceal or cover the behavior. Hard pass upon first compulsive head-crane.

Limerance addicts, love bombers and those who “fall gaga head over heels” too quickly. Makes me nervous as hell. Like the best marksmen have a healthy fear of guns, people with character have a healthy caution towards jumping into relationships.

Grew up with domestic violence or generally more dysfunctional family than I did.

Keeps touch with abusive extended family members unless extremely old and infirm and only to keep from stressing out other elders. Euphemizes serious past abusiveness of extended family members (“Oh s/he’s so nice/harmless now…”).

Euphemizes/minimizes interpersonal abusiveness of workmates or friends, doesn’t believe this is a global character trait but just a little idiosyncrasy.

Works for an evil corporation. Does anything destructive for a living– fossil fuel industry, military industrial, private prison industry, junk food companies, chemical industry, evil law firm, etc., or invests in same.

Neoliberals or free market fanatics. Bolshevik Marxists. Culty political extremes of any kind, right/left authoritarians.

History of following any kind of cult whether religious, new age or existential (i.e.,follows organized atheists, Richard Dawkins, etc.). Has radically changed religions more than once like switching back and forth between born again/Buddhism and atheism. Doesn’t apply to simply changing mainstream institutions within the same religion, like going from Protestant to Universalist.

Recently joined AA. Long term veteran members tend to stop spouting the cultier aspects of AA and boil it down to common sense wisdom.

Believes victims of domestic violence are “addicted” to abuse or “codependent”– any kind of victim-blaming.

Rape myth acceptance.

Bigotry. Racism, classism, homophobia. Even pseudopositive stereotyping.

Has a mother who’s a stabby internalized-misogynist. Hello covert incest and past parentification.

Has one or more “crazy” ex. It’s possible someone could have a relationship with an individual who became seriously mentally ill over time but this is never typically talked about right off the bat and, when it does come up, will be discussed in sober terms, never disparaging expressions like “crazy/nuts” though also never in detached, clinical “armchair expert” terms. It sounds unfair that women may be a little more “skein untangling” than men are about clinical aspects of abuse simply because violence against women is so prevalent that educating oneself may be about basic safety. In any case, this kind of experience will typically scare and sadden normal people.

Appearance or ethnic fetishes– like all exes are blond or always of a specific different race, etc.

Strong kink or sex fetishes. Anyone who rigidly requires certain props, settings or cosplay to get off. Rigidity freaks me out. Any kind of cruelty or sadism is flaming red flag territory.

Still has exes’ artifacts around, “complex” relationship with exes.

Mate poacher tendencies. Once knowingly poached a mate, dated someone already in a relationship/played side boi or hangs around a couple out of interest in one of the members.

Pines over exes or any kind of lingering unrequited pining beyond the normal processing period following an important breakup. I’m even icked out by celebrity crushes. Everyone might have a silly parasocial impulse once in a while but should keep that stuff to themselves to avoid setting off comparisons or a pickme dance.

Cries too much. Tricky one since men from some cultures may be more expressive but always tearing up over the sad parts in films, crying over lost puppies, etc.– red flag.

Porn tolerance. Isn’t strongly averse to trafficking, exploitation. On the other hand, overplaying the “ally” bit can be a red flag or expressing psycho hostility to ‘whores.”

Believes “sex work is work.” This is sometimes couched as groovy support for trans but it still implies prostitution can be “fulfilling and healthy.” The other extreme is– again– hatred for sex workers or “sluts.”

Ever cheated on a past relationship/monkey branched. Of course.

Men in his family are funny and charming but women in family are spooky silent lurkers. This family has some serious shit going on behind closed doors to cause that weird dichotomy.

Strongly believes sex addiction is a thing.

Sounds slightly “gay” at times while being solidly heterosexual. Super dangerous trait in straight men since sounding effeminate (especially when drinking or being intimate) is likely an accident of a type of dissociative age regression where they start channeling a compartmentalized “childlike” persona. Men trying to sound childlike simply end up sounding effeminite by default. The same red flag doesn’t apply to actually gay men since the vocal trait apparntly comes from something much different.

Gets into physical fights as an adult. Bristles too much or goes rogue in reaction to ego challenges. It’s different than protectiveness in response to genuine physical threat but normal people try to deescalate.

Men who are into polyamory. To each their own but not my cup of tea and I have different concepts of evolution. I just don’t believe monogamy is merely a social construct but probably hard wired in most.

Trance-like behavior or radical personality shift around the issue of sex. Has a “sex script” where they shift into cartoon sexy dude or “dominant” behavior. Barry White sex voice. Shudder.

Consistently gets freaked out by humor during sex or anything going comically wrong. Laughter is one of my favorite thing. Sex is also one of my favorite things. The combination is nirvana. Not all the time but I just like people who roll with it, are emotionally present and live in the moment.

Is not creeped out by women’s “sexy baby voice,” likes performers or public figures with this kind of voice (unless done comedically), has an ex or sister or mother who talks like this. Every woman should be able to do a Kristin Wiig “Shana” send-up as a litmus: normal dudes will either laugh their heads off and/or cringe and cover their ears.

Strong opinions/gets emotional about women’s makeup or appearance. Normal men are pretty clueless about this stuff. At most they might express a bit of discomfort around obvious exhibitionism or strangely unkempt appearance just like women might worry about the safety or character of dudes dressed like gigolos or hobos.

Rage driving or driving beyond the risk-tolerance of passengers and being defensive when asked to ease up.

Bothered by “cancel culture.” Gets defensive/hurt hearing that a favorite musician, icon or celebrity is an interpersonal abuser or racist. There’s only one right answer here: “Ugh I had no idea. I’ll never see them the same way again.” It’s largely an issue of maturity and growing out of parasocial idolatry.

Uses terms from the Redpill lexicon.

Follows sexist or abuse-apologist podcasters or talk show hosts.

Has no intellectual or artistic female icons who aren’t “hot.” Or, on the other extreme, has an older female mentor who’s possessive. No man hos, please.

Has possessive or overly enmeshed friends.

Has a “work wife,” even if she’s gay.

Has friends who cheat.

Ignores disrespect towards you from their friends or family members or randos. They don’t have to go postal if there’s any risk of violence breaking out or vulnerable children or elders around who can’t tolerate scenes. But there should be an immediate signal to you that they recognize someone overstepped and should bring it up later and set a boundary if the person is known to them. Repeat failure in this regard is a hard nope.

Gets either stiff and remote around your friends or too gaga flirty.

Spoilerism: getting grumpy or nasty before special occasions.

Knows too much about wines, whisky and mixology.

Shows up smelling of alcohol, any kind of day-drinking except that one regrettable time with the mimosas at friend’s wedding.

Regular pot smokers/vapers and psilocybin microdosers even if for medical reasons. No judgment in that case but it’s just a dispositional and coping-style mismatch for me in very close relationships, as are long term psychotropic users. I worked very hard to keep a child with neurological issues off any psychotropic remedies and went through traumatic experiences to resist this being foisted by school and medical personnel because of the risk of compounding cellular damage. I’ve learned that my attitude about it, experiences related to this issue and concerns about pharmaceutical industry politics tend to trigger and upset people who regularly use these remedies for mental health purposes. Live and let live as they say.

Looks way too happy and “transported” remembering all the partying “good times” in college or high school or, on the other hand, hasn’t worked out their alienation from that time.

Ever used hard drugs beyond that one regrettable time in college. Heroin or crack or anything involving going to the dark/underworld side to get access are hard nos.

History of age gap relationships.

Regularly travels for work if there are any other options.

Groomed brows and/or overly artful beard and/or excessive manscaping and toxic product use. I recoil from ostentatious narcissism and won’t do the female constant-Cosmo-laquered-hair-perfect-mani/pedi-CFM-pump-ostentatious counterpart to this. I personally like high end fashion but opt for less-is-more and nothing that involves pain, ick.

Slob or anal retentive excessive neatness, especially if rigid or defensive about any of it.

Overly “energetic/restless” men even if “good humored” and bouncy like, say, Tigger from Pooh or Mel Gibson in his heyday. Smacks of alexithymia and could be a red flag for explosive temper.

“Hates” Frida Kahlo too intensely. It’s usually because of the way she challenges sanitized, objectified views of women’s bodies and sexuality– all that breast milk and blood, etc. Obscure cheater red flag.

I’m sure there are more I’ve forgotten.