Jaded Escort Wonders If She Can Ever Trust Men
Her (now ex) cheater boyfriend introduced her to sex work, and now she wonders if she can ever trust men given what she’s experienced.
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Dear Chump Lady,
I started dating my ex boyfriend when I was 20 and he was 35. He cheated on me at least three times throughout our relationship, though I suspect the actual number is higher. On one of these occasions, he cheated on me with a sex worker.
He also introduced me to sex work to support him financially and acted as my pimp for most of our relationship. Despite being cheated on, it was difficult to leave the relationship because I felt I still loved him, and because my finances were completely within his control.
I left him about a year ago, and I now work as an independent sex worker. My life has improved, and I am going back to school but it’s not feasible for me to quit sex work right now.
The issue I have is that my experience as a sex worker, in addition to my relationship, has given me a very bleak outlook on romantic love.
It’s not just the infidelity that occurred in my relationship that I’m struggling to get over — it’s the fact that I’ve had so many clients that perpetuated the same abuse on their spouses. I’ve been contacted by (literally) thousands of married men, including the husband of a family I used to babysit for. Now that I work independently, I try not to see married men, but it’s not always easy to know.
I am constantly wondering: How can I ever trust men again? How can I believe faithful marriages exist when the examples repeated to me over and over again show “normal” men with “normal” families seeking out escorts? Why would these men rather have sex with a stranger they have to pay, than their spouses who find them attractive and who love them?
The most chilling part was when my clients would gush to me about how much they loved their wives, how strong the connection was, how they still had sex regularly and meant everything to each other. How can you love someone like that and cheat on them? Why would you want to?
Today, I have an intense fear of being cheated on again and I can’t imagine ever dating again.
I feel like I’ve seen too much. My worst fear is marrying a man like my clients, and having no idea who he really is. I don’t know if good men exist.
From,
Jaded Escort
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Dear Jaded Escort,
You just left an incredibly abusive relationship, and you’re in a job where you literally service douchebags for money. Wondering if you can trust men again or find one to enjoy a respectful relationship with is graduate-level healing. Let’s first look at the quadruple-decker, shit sandwich of abuse you just endured: Coercion, sexual abuse, betrayal, and financial abuse.
He also introduced me to sex work to support him financially and acted as my pimp for most of our relationship.
He wasn’t your boyfriend, he was your enslaver.
What he did was criminal. I applaud you for leaving him. That took great courage.
I can give you my standard advice on how to trust again, or pep talk on not everyone is a sociopathic cheater, but I think the level of healing you require is above my standard snark and pay grade. I’m a potty-mouthed lady with a blog. What’s needed here is a top-notch trauma therapist and probably law enforcement. (HE PIMPED YOU OUT!)
Soldiering on, with those caveats, you’ve been through some SHIT. Asking if you can trust men while working as a sex worker is like asking if you can eat sushi again after nearly dying of botulism. Not all food is poison, but if you eat from garbage dumps, it probably is.
Similarly, not all men suck, but if you surround yourself with those who buy sex, they do.
This is where you’re probably expecting a breakdown of how many men buy sex. Or want to know if fuckwits come with color-coded labels so we can distinguish them from the general population. (The technology does not yet exist.) Unfortunately, the research on how many men buy sex is pretty scant. But a 20-year old statistic says 16% in the U.S, and a more recent one (2022) in Germany says nearly 27%.
But of course, prostitution and pimping are illegal (except in Nevada). The profits are estimated to be about $15 billion a year in the U.S. That minority sure does have deep pockets! And it’s not like organized crime is filing its taxes or participating in research studies. So I cannot definitely say that not all men buy sex, because buying and selling sex is secretive by design. But the chances are good that it’s not 100 percent.
We never get guarantees in life about FWs, there’s only our own discernment and resilience. If a potential partner doesn’t measure up, end it. Have the internal fortitude to enforce boundaries, but most of all have the economic power to leave.
My life has improved, and I am going back to school but it’s not feasible for me to quit sex work right now.
It’s terrific that you’re going back to school. Maybe focus on your future career now and get student loans, and skip the sex work? Your personal safety and sanity are worth it. If you were my daughter, I’d be so worried.
I hate that the profitability of sex work (or Only Fans sites and such) teach young women that their greatest economic value is as a fantasy orifice. That no matter how much success they may attain as, say an accountant, they’ll never earn as much as their tits do. I don’t know how you survive the cognitive dissonance of that.
And yes, I know the sex positive spin on that, where you’re turning the tables on misogyny and pocketing men’s cash. Aren’t you the powerful one? No more than if you put on black face and did a minstrel show for a white audience. Performative subservience might be profitable, but it’s soul killing.
How can I believe faithful marriages exist when the examples repeated to me over and over again show “normal” men with “normal” families seeking out escorts?
Get away from these “normal” men. I don’t think Jimmy Carter was fucking around on Rosalyn. There are people with integrity out there. Not enough of course, that’s the blighted world we live in. But it’s not a utopian dream to expect men to treat you as fully human and deserving of respect.
Why would these men rather have sex with a stranger they have to pay, than their spouses who find them attractive and who love them?
Survey them and ask. I imagine it’s exactly because you are a stranger. They don’t have to be considerate lovers or do any emotional labor. The inherent misogyny of just using you is rather the point.
They don’t love their wives.
The most chilling part was when my clients would gush to me about how much they loved their wives, how strong the connection was, how they still had sex regularly and meant everything to each other. How can you love someone like that and cheat on them?
It seems to me this exchange is meant for you. To goad you into the pick me dance. It’s not enough that they’re buying sex from you, they have to add the insult of telling you that they don’t LOVE you. You don’t mean anything, just suck their dick. Also, it’s impression management for them. Oh, I’m not some incel loser, I have a wife! We have a sex!
You’re all interchangeable really. Just women who service him. But in his opinion, the wife has the exalted position of being his public orifice.
I feel like I’ve seen too much.
I think you’ve seen too much. My advice to you is stop seeing it. Get away from these men and heal. Good luck with your studies. (((Jaded))).
On this topic, I highly recommend the book by former prostitute (a term she prefers) Rachel Moran “Paid For.” She doesn’t say “sex work” because she considers prostitution coercion, not work. It’s a devastating take down.
Jaded – Once you leave sex work and persue trauma-based therapy, you will still have the challenges all adults face.
You can only judge another person’s values once you are certain of your own. Fortunately, you have control over your own behavior.
Education and employment, self care and wellness, service to community and loyalty to healthy friends and family members.
If you go on to find those qualities in another person you are among the lucky. If you don’t, you are still ahead of the game.
thank you for your response
My typing correction : pursue
Excellent response.
Wow, Jaded. My heart breaks to hear your story. You are so resilient to have survived all that you have. Know that there are people here who see you. Thank you for being open and honest. So many of us only see our side of this pain and don’t see our fellow victims who are suffering and equally exploited by infidelity. You didn’t ask for any of this and I pray that you heal, recover, and thrive.
thank you for taking the time to type this, i appreciate it ❤️
It’s unbelievably difficult. I’m very jaded, too, although I have friends married to outstanding men, and I have an adult son who knows the score.
I had trauma therapy, and it helped, but I decided to work on being happy single primarily. Thus far, I’ve been on coffee dates and nothing more. I’m just not seeing it out there, but I know that my picker is good, and I have a good red flag detector from saying, “No, thank you.”
Give it time.
thank you for sharing your experience!
Jaded Escort,
Your story is heartbreaking, but it sounds as if you have started (and indeed are some way down) on the long road to building a better future for yourself. I would offer Churchill’s words of advice to you …. “When you are going through Hell, keep going.”
I hope that you get the support and help that you need on your journey.
LFTT
thank you for your kind words and encouragement, i hope the same for you!
Although I don’t have any first-hand knowledge of this problem or resources, I found these organizations online for you:
New Friends New Life Organization www. newfriendsnewlife.org/women or call 214.965.0935. They’re in Dallas and can refer you elsewhere for local services.
The Polaris Project at www. humantraffickinghotline . org/en/find-local-services
The National Trafficking Hotline at 1-888-373-7888 –or- TEXT: BeFree 233373
Zepp Wellness and The Cupcake Girls are both groups that reportedly provide resources/care specifically targeted towards current/former sex workers.
You wrote that since leaving your pimp, your life has improved and “I am going back to school.” Have you actually gone back to school yet? That could be key to your physical and psychological safety. I hope you make it a priority.
hi, my classes will start this august 🙂
I’m going to assume you’re in the US. Have you talked to your school’s financial aid office to see if you qualify for loans and/or scholarships? Talk to the dean as well, they might be able to pull strings. Tell them you escaped an abusive relationship, you’re rebuilding your life from scratch, and that you need financial help to pay bills and stay in school. Ask if they can help you.
Google your state’s 211 and see what public resources you qualify for. Depending on your income level, you may qualify for SNAP benefits, housing assistance, subsidized healthcare or utility bills, or more.
Local churches and food kitchens may also be able to supplement your pantry so you can save on grocery bills.
Congratulations on going to school! You got this.
hi, yes i have a scholarship but my loans aren’t going to be accessible to me until classes start, i believe. talking to my dean is a good idea, i hadn’t thought of that. thank you for your advice and support.
Don’t be discouraged if you have to talk to more than one person. Keep going until you find someone who can help you. I had a friend in college who was from an abusive family, and the dean got him a work study job and year-round housing. He stayed on campus all 4 years and never went home. The dean told me she saw stories like this every semester. Many admins are aware some students come from struggling backgrounds and will bend over backward to help a young person stay in school.
I don’t know what you plan to study, but I highly advise a major that will quickly get you a job (i.e. accounting, finance, nursing, office management). Something relatively stable, in demand, and pays a good wage that you can verify with some research. I studied the humanities and it took me a lot more work and time to figure out how to translate that into a job. When I was broke and waiting tables in a dive, I started googling job roles to get this information and then confirmed it by talking to people. Many of them gave me tips on how to network my way in the door.
Your school may be able to help with this. Talk to the dean, career development office, upperclassmen, alumni. Look up the stats for job placement in different departments and look specifically at the resulting job titles and salaries, but these results may be cherry picked so pay attention to averages and confirm what’s realistic by talking to real people in the field. Also look at salary data websites for your city as well as conversations on reddit. What’s the salary, what’s the lifestyle, what’s the earning potential? Is the sky the limit, or will you wind up frustrated after a certain point because the field is a dead end? You want to know all these things going in so you don’t get surprised.
Lastly, there are some retail jobs that pay a living wage and have a low bar to entry. Costco and Starbucks come to mind, but there are others if you google “retail jobs that pay well.” Some even come with benefits like health insurance, financial support for college, and retirement plans. Costco in particular has a reputation for treating its employees well. I would see what’s out there.
I’m so glad you’re scheduled. Many people who say they’re going back to school leave off, “someday,” and it doesn’t happen. If you have a chosen field, perhaps you can use some of your time now to get some entry-level experience in that area. For example, if you’re going to be a vet tech, find work or even volunteer with animals. I assume you’ll want to be able to list some legal employment and references on your resume when you look for jobs and/or internships in your field. Good luck!
thank you so much for your advice!!
You are more than sex and your body, you and your life matters. Sounds like you are pretty disassociated right now. Leave this, take on loans, and find a good trauma-based counselor to work on healing. There are good men out there, and it may take some time to find one, but they exist.
thank you for your response, i will definitely find a trauma counselor and i am set to go back to school in august. i hope you are right about good men being out there.
I survived a sex cult and was diagnosed with PTSD, so it sounds like you and I have similar levels of trauma. A decade out, I can tell you good men are out there, but give yourself the gift of not looking for one right now and prioritize you. I took time off for years, went to trauma therapy, found a career, made friends, traveled, started saving for retirement, and learned how to deadlift. It’s been a blessing.
Good men tend to find you when you’re prioritizing yourself anyway. There’s literally no point to putting pressure on yourself right now.
I love this advice.
hi, i’m so sorry for what you went through. it does make me feel less alone to know there are others who have had similar experiences and come out the other side. thank you for encouraging me to not prioritize men at the moment, it is sound advice and i appreciate your response.
I will also add this: Predators have an uncanny knack for sniffing out vulnerability, so it’s literally not safe to date right now. Be careful who you share your story with. You have nothing to be ashamed of, you were a victim, but shitty people will think you’re vulnerable and an easy mark.
(This warning goes for men and women. Abusers come in all genders, and there are some pickme women out there who enable abusive men and will happily feed a vulnerable woman to these guys.)
Take your time getting to know people, and be careful with seemingly-innocent details like mentioning you live alone or don’t talk to your family. As far as anyone’s concerned, you’re surrounded by people who care about you and your well-being and who would notice if you were abused or went missing.
I’m not saying don’t let people in, I’m saying be smart about it. Trauma therapy can help you assess whether a person is safe and worthy of your trust, and how to be vulnerable when it’s appropriate.
hi, thank you again for your advice. i do live alone and i don’t talk to my family and these are details i will keep closer to the chest
With your experience and your work history The odds are a million to one, you will meet and marry a kind, reciprocal, honest and gentle man. If you stuff yourself with cheap baloney, how will you ever recognize or treasure the taste of Wagu beef? Your mind is altered, your body is accepting abuse for pay every second of every day..you are looking for business not a life long relationship. The arc you are on has no end, not to mention you’re never sure the liar you are bedding down is not married. It’s a business after all, not a moral pick and choose. Do you ask them if they are married and they tell YOU the truth? They don’t tell anyone the truth. It’s sweet to know these men love their wives..probably as much as they love their cell phone. It’s a sorry world but by selling crack you just attract compulsive addicts.Theres no redemption there.
Thank you, Tracy, for rejecting the term “sex work,” which suggests that selling yourself is just another form of work, as is made clear by the work of Nordic Model Now: https://nordicmodelnow.org/
One more sad fact and I’m probably alone, but for the last 3 years of our marriage (.at the very least)my then husband treated me like a sex worker wife. He was out getting massages, having EA and doing things with coworkers. I got accustomed to being used like a vending machine until the rages started if he didn’t get what he wanted..then I got curious and then angry. When he told me I was his wife and I owed him for…taking me to a B&B, fixing my car. Doing anything for me he deserved what he wanted. It destroyed my soul almost, and for this reason I cannot have a healthy relationship with any man
I’m past my prime now ..and I’m exhausted.
First, I was wondering whether you’re all aware of the Invisible Men project: https://www.reddit.com/r/Feminism/comments/129s0xv/the_invisible_men_project/
https://ellyarrow.wordpress.com/2018/09/13/what-german-sex-buyer-forums-tell-us-about-prostitution-an-analysis/ (also comments on the cheating aspect)
Prostitution isn’t just legal in Nevada – it’s also legal in Germany, the Netherlands, Belgium, Greece, Hungary, Luxembourg, Austria and Switzerland (among other “Western” places).
Now on to the actual letter: the 4B movement exists for a reason. The uncomfortable truth is: many of us will not find a good man. Tracy mentioned that almost 30% of men buy sex in Germany. That already means that only 70% of women could statistically expect to find a man who does not buy sex. Add to that men who would buy women if they had the money… add to that men who are asexual… You get my gist. Coincidentally, I just finished two books that commented on these issues. You can add to that all men that are extremely rightwing, all men that are just looking for a wife appliance and would never do any housework. You can add men like my FW who prefers men, but abuses women because they are more trusting, have more empathy and are less likely to fight back physically. So in truth, again: many (most?) of us will not find a good man who loves us. And I haven’t even begun to factor in age: I’ve found the figures again – research comparing different European countries (Sweden, UK among others) found that the chances for women without children who are divorced to find a longterm male partner again decrease by 6% for each year of age – and exponentially more if the woman has children. While the queer women dating market sadly is extremely small and hard to get into, some of us will be able to go down what I call the “Niecy Nash route” to being partnered again. But for all of us who stay alone, we still have to live our lives as best as we can. Alone, but also without abuse. I like how that one exmormon extradwife chump that Tracy featured put it – she said in a youtube video: “I have learned two things: 1) a man is not a plan. 2) Any woman is only one abusive man away from having her entire life completely destroyed.”
On incels: there are women incels, too. I don’t expect to ever be loved. I learned that lesson the very hard way (which brings me to this site). And most incels (male or female) statistically are disabled (as am I). For male incels, research found an autism level of over 30%. But The Guardian had an article a while ago that emphasized that oddly Andrew Tate is revered among young men (and you can deduct those too from the dateable men pool!) – yet even non-violent non-misogynist incels are “losers”. The only conclusion one can draw (as in: The Guardian drew) is that violence against women is deemed a-okay by society as long as “the guy gets laid”/”gets to use a woman’s orifices”.
Thank you for this. Very good stats and I now go read the links.
Don’t forget men who use porn, which is another way of buying women as a commodity. They are equally unsuitable for relationships. Most men use porn.
Yes, I follow the same Tradwife and agree. Even being a professional woman at the time, I viewed my ex as a plan, and then lived on the edge of ruin for years until he finally blew up the marriage. I loved being with my kids as a SAHM but it made getting my head together and back on my feet financially so much harder. At one point, I was working three jobs and my college kids two each so we could keep them in school and keep our basic bills paid. Ultimately, that all worked out, but it was very hard getting there.
Being older and with that history, I’m figuring that I’ll never pair up again. I’ve done some coffee dates that were filled with red flags, and I think it’s highly unlikely, so I’m not really looking.
In seeking love, the R word to look for is RESPECT, not romance. It begins with respecting oneself.
My former husband left me and our daughter for a massage parlor worker. They have since opened their own Asian massage parlor. I am
working with various law enforcement agencies and in that process I found his reviews on an amp (which stands for Asian massage parlor) review website. In reading his comments, which were sickening, I met the person I was with for 27 years for the very first time. Had I seen what I read when I was dating him, I would have run for the hills. Instead, I married him, built a legitimate business with him, and had a child with him. I have no idea what their arrangement is, but she does live with him and he is not sexually exclusive, and neither is she. IMHO, decent people don’t buy and sell people.
You cannot heal a wound while aggravating it.
Some money is too expensive. I would say that money earned from selling yourself is at the top of that list. I hope you will avail yourself of resources to get out. Your local domestic violence shelter and a good therapist would be great places to start.
I hope you will reconsider being complicit in hurting other people, and yourself.
hi, thank you for your response and i agree
I can’t even process the emotional horror of this post. All I can say is the male chumps here (though much fewer than women) are proof that there are more than zero non-FW men out there. A hallmark of the chump experience is the shattering of reality because you could never even imagine being in a cheating relationship.
Retreating into intellectual musings, I wonder how many FWs either are or become sex workers (mostly female FWs since sex work is practically all women). I mean some cheaters end up with no income after getting dumped by a brave chump, and in some sense it would be a natural path for someone who might have had many partners and clearly doesn’t have the emotional bond entangled with sex that the rest of us do. But I suspect that the actual number is near zero, because cheating really isn’t about sex. It’s all about the power trip and the lying itself, the joy of secretly gloating over your ignorant partner. I think knowing something about how common this is relative to other women in similar economic conditions would tell us a lot about the FW payche.
i do not think sex workers “clearly” lack a connection between emotional intimacy and sex. in my mind, sex and intimacy are deeply connected, and i would love to experience loving and intimate sex one day. there are a variety of reasons women end up in this industry, and very few of us are doing this because we enjoy having lots of sexual partners and enjoy casual sex.
From what I can see SKB was talking specifically about FWs who might become sex workers, not about sex workers in general. FWs clearly lack a connection between emotional intimacy and sex, so it’s possible that sex work might be easier for them than it is for you.
oh ok thanks for clarifying
Yep, OHFFS got my intent right, thanks for clarifying. FWs are almost by definition emotionally stunted or at least divergent in some way. I wondered whether a FW might *choose* escort work vs being forced into it (either literally or by seeing no other viable alternatives) as I think the vast majority are.
That said, I can see that even with my meaning clarified, my comment could sound callous, and I am very sorry if it came off that way. I have been the victim of 2 FWs in my life, and that is already enough to make me doubt that anyone is ever honest or faithful. The fact that you have even survived, and even got away for yourself, is amazing and something everyone here celebrates. Hang in there.
thank you!
I am only aware of a male FW who became a sex worker: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/sep/09/what-women-want-when-they-pay-for-sex-just-kindness
(I’d wager many more chumps have lost their jobs because of their FW than female FW becoming prostitutes. Just not necessary: the disordered are usually extremely charming and just go to the next victim.)
Jaded, I just want to send you all the hugs if they are welcome. You are so strong for escaping the abusive relationship after what he did to you and how he was keeping you financially trapped. I agree with CL about continuing with your goal of getting out of your current profession in order to rebuild and heal. It sounds like you got this as you have shown so much strength and resiliance so far. Keep going! We support you and wish only wonderful things for you. <3
thank you for your kind words i appreciate it 🙂
I really don’t see it in this case – she isn’t an OW. The majority of johns are married. That is purely on the johns. I can fully see culpability in mate poaching. But this isn’t mate poaching! She was trafficked by a man who thought loved her! This is on men and men again. You had your heart broken by your husband, not any prostitutes. OW can make moves on married men etc, be deluded etc. But it isn’t even part of a prostitutes job to check the marital status of men who pay to abuse her. This is a man paying to cum in a woman’s orifice, regardless of the pain she is feeling. I really suggest you get yourself a stiff drink and then read the johns review page I posted or any other one to get an idea. (And yes, you were right: it’s pay for rape.)
I unfortunately can also see situations in which finances are extremely desperate and the average life expectancy for homeless women where I live is in the low 40s…
JE, welcome to our community — I hope it helps you find some solace and care as you unbind your life from the men who abused you and used you as a tool to abuse other women.
That said, the world awaiting you outside sex work is not some utopia where men don’t abuse women.
Like many hetero women chumps, I have never been romantically involved with a man who did not unambiguously hurt me on purpose. Either consequently or incidentally, I have met men who abuse women in big cities, small towns, academia, the arts, tech, health care, public education, dating apps, and virtually everywhere else I’ve ever been. Most of the women I know — from diverse backgrounds — have been systematically abused by the men in their lives.
Increasingly I believe that hetero women, especially those who have been abused and who find abuse comfortable and familiar, should eliminate men from their lives for their own safety.
I’m in my 50s, and I don’t really know where to go from here. I don’t think women are safe anywhere. I’d love for someone to contradict me convincingly.
All this.
thank you for sharing your perspective
Sadly, I cannot contradict you. The grim reality is that we are not safe. However, we’re safer if we know that and plan accordingly than we are if we blindly trust.
Jadedescort, I am very sorry you went through all of that. You are incredibly strong to have left your pimp/abuser/cheater and have a new plan for your life. I know how difficult it is to leave an abuser even when you aren’t held hostage financially.
I’m 69 and retired for the second time after having been married three times to three fuckwits. I’ve worked hard on myself in therapy, through journaling and with a Christian Recovery program (Celebrate Recovery) that helped me to fix my picker but was the final nail in the coffin as far as religion is concerned. The male leaders of the church-based program listened to a man give his ‘testimony’ about how he recovered from being an abuser, nodding along as he described throwing his wife to the ground and strangling her because she “provoked him” by “cussing at the kids.” I guess strangling your wife is OK as long as she provoked you. I’ve met a great deal of church leaders and clergy through working as a wedding photographer, and I’ve only met *one* who seemed to actually believe in the values they preached and actually live those values. One of those men even bragged that he went to seminary because he knew the pastor is always the center of attention in the church — especially female attention. (Wink, wink, nod, nod). All too many of those “religious men” got overly familiar and handsy with me when I was a young, attractive woman.
I’m older now, and I don’t get the same attention. I’m good with that.
I’ve only knowingly met two or three truly good men. I’m sure there are more out there, but not enough for all of us. But I have a much better life as a single woman than I ever had in marriage. My picker is much better now, but I’m over the whole marriage business.
My advice to you is to do the work on yourself NOW, while you’re still young enough to have a chance at finding a good man who will honestly love you. When you’re my age, the men are all looking for someone to change their colostomy bags or their LVAD dressings, and if you can supplement their income all the better. (Also known as looking for a nurse and a purse.)
My second bit of advice is to get an education that will qualify you for a stable career. I was a nurse for 46 years and had an amazing career working with some truly talented folks in some famous facilities, and knowing that I helped to make people’s lives easier. I worked through the COVID pandemic when others lost their jobs and their income. Always have your own job and your own income — don’t ever be a stay at home wife/mother/person unless your partner commits to (and follows through!) depositing an equitable sum in an account that only you control, and does it every single month. Even then, you risk not having a social security check when you’re ready to retire. (I’m in the US).
And third, be ready to leave any man any time at the very first sign of disrespect for you. Or any other red flag. I was married more than ten years to my third husband before I saw the big, fat, flapping red flags. I should have left right then. But I stayed until he started plotting to murder me.
This is far too long. Good luck, Jadedescort. I wish you the best.
Regarding your “I’ve only knowingly met two or three good men”: I think I have met about four and one of them is bisexual and married to a man (he was previously in a longterm relationship with a woman and was always out as bi), another one has longterm anorexia. I would only consider dating one of them in a theoretical world, but all of them are happily married. After the age of 28 or so, I have never met a good single man.
hi, thank you so much for your response. i am also in a faith based recovery program and i have witnessed what you are speaking about firsthand. thank you for your advice encouraging me to focus on education and gainful employment.
My ex husband would’ve told you – if he had been your customer – that he loved & adored me. He told everyone around us that. LIES. He loved what I could do for him, same as you. That’s not love. I see true love around me so I know it exists. I also see faux love around too. It pays to be discerning to whom we hitch our wagons. Good luck at school!!! And yay to you!
thank you so much!
Jaded my heart goes out to you and I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with so much so soon.
I don’t have much to offer other than please pursue some top notch trauma therapy as Tracy said. You have seen too much and I get that as have I … but I’m older.. that makes sense.. you are young and you can find a way to carry this baggage that was handed to you unasked.
I’ve been abused all my life and one of the main reasons I found my voice was through some top-notch therapy and this group. They taught me not only do I actually *have* a voice… I can *use* it. I can’t take back what was done to me, I can’t go back to someone I used to be… she’s gone and that’s ok. I am someone more strong, present and peaceful today. The past isn’t so present that it drives everything about me anymore and that is the victory. I have agency today. My children were effected by this and my daughter and I have often had convos of where she would have ended up and all I can say is I fought hard enough to end the cycle and she has a successful relationship with her partner and a successful career. Our healing matters not just to us but to those around us. I literally just told my daughter last night that those parts do suck and I don’t like them, but they are threads of the tapestry that makes me .. well .. me… so they are woven in but not the only parts anymore. So as someone who would be young enough to be like a daughter to me.. I send you much love and prayers for your safety and healing journey as well. Your tapestry will be colorful AND beautiful because you are.
I cannot give you any hope re finding a decent partner.. I’m too old and jaded myself and the men in my generation just don’t get it. What I have gained is perspective and discernment. Yes, it comes at a price and sometimes it’s a bit lonely. What I do have is the knowledge now to let go of those relationships (not hang on to the bitter ugly end…) that aren’t healthy and are harmful rather than loving and supportive. Yeah it’s harder to find that one good seed among all the weeds but at least we’re not settling for weeds anymore. That, my friend, is victory. I’d rather be slightly lonely than dealing with a fw anymore. Besides my cat is my mate now and he lets me cuddle him when I need that contact lol… he’s much easier to deal with, doesn’t cheat and actually loves me. 🙂
I hope you find your voice Jaded… sending gentle hugs for you.