My Cheating Ex-Wife Hugged Me
His ex-wife hugged him at a family event. Should he let it drop or write a note to say don’t ever do that again?
***
Dear Chump Lady,
I have been divorced for 24 years and remarried for 21.
Ex-wife cheated with coworkers over a period of years and lied about it all. She denied it in front of a therapist, despite direct physical evidence and I found more cheating during and after divorce. I had to get a restraining order to get her out of the house after a violent incident. She has used triangulation with our kids when I wouldn’t cooperate with her post divorce. No apologies, no acknowledgement of the damage she did to me and our two sons.
I have pretty much stayed no contact with her, except for graduations and our kids’ weddings.
Now there are grandchildren and lots of birthday parties and other celebrations and it is impossible to avoid her. The thing is that she is all sparkly, bubbly and loveable as a public persona. She comes across as the adorable First grade teacher that she was. I saw “how the sausage was made” so I am not buying it.
I acknowledge her at gatherings but try not to talk to her and usually leave without saying goodbye. She occasionally will approach me, but I keep it short. This past weekend was a birthday party for our son’s father-in-law. Lots of people I didn’t know.
At the end of the party as my wife and I were saying our goodbyes my ex goes out of her way to come up in front of everyone and give me a hug.
Instinctively, I made a face. I felt like an adult woman who just got a hug from the uncle who had earlier copped a feel, even if it was 20 years ago.
I want to send her an email about how I feel about her hug. She just wants to skate away from her actions and make me be the bitter bunny. How can I word this to shut it down but still enjoy family events she also attends?
Bruno
***
Dear Bruno,
A taser?
Not really. (If it feels good, don’t do it.) Your situation reminds me of my late Grandpa Sutton who had impeccable boundaries. If you asked for the maraschino cherry in his drink, he’d threaten: “Touch my Manhattan and you’ll pull away with a bloody stump.”
That’s the energy I’d like to bring to your next encounter.
Resist her advances.
Your FW broadsided you. Which is what FWs do. They prefer an audience when they perform acts of impression management. Because they count on your good manners and fear of what people will think. If you make a scene (aka enforce a boundary with a hug refusal) you’ll be cast as the bitter bunny, The Man Who Will Not Be Hugged.
You need to get over what people think. Decide what is acceptable to you and act accordingly. You don’t want your abuser to touch you. Ever. Create strategies for that.
I once interviewed self-defense expert Lauren Taylor and she gave great advice on unwanted encounters. Bad people can often be derailed with direct commands.
“Tell them what you want them to do. Name the behavior. ‘I need you to stop talking to me like that.’ Or, ‘Stand back.’ ”
Lauren Taylor of ‘Defend yourself’
Name the behavior.
As soon as she leans in say, “Stand back.” Or “Don’t hug me.” Taylor told me there’s some sort of brain science on this. Direct commands hijack your circuitry. Instinctively, with a command we stop doing whatever we’re doing, versus a request. She also advised to make sure your facial expression is congruent with your words. Don’t smile. Pivot your body away.
Does that sound embarrassing?
You’re not embarrassing having boundaries. She’s the embarrassing person trampling your boundaries.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your boundaries. They’re yours.
I recently wrote about exactly this Bitter Bunny mindfuck when my son got married. His FW father was seated at the table next to me in a circle of my friends. Everyone expected me to eat the shit sandwich and not make a scene. I didn’t do either of those things. I marched over to the wedding planner and demanded she fix this situation immediately. (Direct command.) And she did. She seated him far, far away from us. After that, I enjoyed the rest of the celebration and put the FW out of my mind.
The thing is that she is all sparkly, bubbly and loveable as a public persona. She comes across as the adorable First grade teacher that she was.
For all you know she comes across as Dolores Umbridge.
That’s your fear talking — that people won’t see through her impression management. Look, some of them may not. And that isn’t your problem. Not being felt up by a creepy ex is your problem.
Don’t share your feelings with her.
I want to send her an email about how I feel about her hug. She just wants to skate away from her actions and make me be the bitter bunny. How can I word this to shut it down but still enjoy family events she also attends?
There are no magic words to make her stop being a fuckwit. How long have you been at this chump thing? Several decades now? How’s that whole meeting assholeishness with vulnerability thing working for you?
No, you DO NOT write her a letter expressing your feelings. That’s kibbles. She’ll feel frissons of delight to know you care. Terrible idea. If thoughtful letters solved the FW crisis I wouldn’t have a blog. Sorry, there’s just you and your boundaries.
I promise in the poker game of Who Cares More in How They Are Perceived, you’re the winner. FWs care very much how they are perceived. If you publicly snub your ex. If you treat her like the garbage she really is, other people will too. Not all of them, but enough of them to completely unnerve your ex.
At the very least, the fence sitters are going to wonder what she did to be so horrible you won’t publicly acknowledge her. Let them wonder. Enough of your family know the story.
You’re being gracious by coexisting. By showing up at an event where she’s at. That’s not required except on high occasions. And I would argue your son’s FIL’s birthday is not such an occasion. So, shore up your boundaries.
Touch me and you’ll pull away with a bloody stump.
Everything CL said. Prepare yourself for next time — because now you know FW will try that garbage.
This reminded me of when I worked in radio sales in Chicago. My boss was corrupt and a complete liar about everything. Also cheating on his wife btw. He ended up letting me go to move my accounts to a new hire. He was a real creepy a**. But I had a great network of people and got hired right away in TV. A few months later there was a massive agency party… all the radio and tv big wigs plus political types were there.
I was standing talking to agency folks and coming right at me is my former a**hole boss and he yells out my name with a big smile and walks straight at me in the crowd of cocktails. And my self defense instincts kicked in and I said straight to his face “oh my G-d, get the f*** away from me.” He turned bright red and ran away. And when I turned back to my clients — they laughed! And asked about it. Turns out, everyone hates that guy.
Don’t be afraid to say “do not touch me” next time FW tries. She’ll never do it again in public
😆 Thank you so much for that image.
” And my self defense instincts kicked in and I said straight to his face “oh my G-d, get the f*** away from me.”
Omg. I laughed so hard. Good for you! That response is very out of my wheelhouse currently, but I am working on boundaries and I just love how it was all such an honest reaction from you. You saw him, your whole body immediately FELT that it did not want him anywhere near you and the sentiment just popped right out of your mouth, no edits, no fluff. BEAUTIFUL!
Well done you! And very well said. These foul people get away with crap half the time because people are reluctant to stand up to them. Luckily that scenario will never happen to me, because (thank God) fuckwit and I never had children together, but in the highly remote contingency I ever met him in a social setting and he tried on that bullshit, I’d ssy precisely the same as you did. Well done again!
This reminds me of my favorite Denzel Washington real life scene. Julia Roberts was presenting him with some kind of award, and she was slobbering all over him, and he stiffened up and looked sidewise down at her like the pos she is.
I loved it. Class vs garbage, which is how the op should act around his pos ex.
I think Washington merely objected to the public display but it might have been a different story had this happened in private. That’s what might have confused Roberts: his private vs. publicized behavior. In other words, possibly classic FW image management.
For instance, I met the actress/singer Cynda Williams when I was working in LA. When she was working on Mo’ Better Blues, she was reportedly (it was also in the papers) harassed by the very married DW to the point she almost quit the film. Because Spike Lee is one of my favorite directors whom I always thought directed women perfectly, it broke my heart to hear he basically threw her under the bus and didn’t protect her from Washington (whom I also met and… cough).
Anyway, in my time working for the media industry as a young blond B-girl Barbie, I find it’s more expedient to list the married celebs I met who weren’t creeps because you can count them on one hand.
I always liked Julia Roberts as an actress in movies I’ve seen in the past, but I’ve soured on her as a person. I don’t really follow Hollywood gossip, so I didn’t realize she was an OW, a FW, and a bitch to her husband’s first wife. I also recently read director Ed Zwick’s memoir, “Hits, Flops, and Other Illusions,” and learned she walked out on a commitment, basically tanking “Shakespeare in Love,” because she couldn’t get the co-star she wanted (Daniel Day-Lewis, who was already committed to another film). The movie was finally made, several years later, with Gwyneth Paltrow, who won an Oscar for it. Zwick was much more forgiving than I would have been—he thought she was a scared 24-year-old, but she knew she was leaving people in a lurch and had massively wasted people’s time. I also have my doubts about Julia’s ability to do a creditable British accent or be very convincing in a period piece.
In any case, I find it hard to imagine that she’s become a better person, given that she’s only enjoyed many more years of incredible privilege and success.
Wow, I was completely unaware of this.
That was when he won his Oscar… She opened the envelope and bubbled to the crowd “I love my life!” like it was all about her..! Then as he was walking off the stage after his speech, she jumped on his back like a stink bug
I couldn’t find a reference to this incident, but did see that he said he refused to kiss her in a movie because he believed an on-screen romance with a white woman disrespected his black female fans.
I did find that when Roberts started an affair with a married man, she went out publicly in a hand-painted T-shirt that said “A Low Vera,” presumably referring to his wife Vera. When Oprah asked her, “Why did you wear that t-shirt?” Roberts responded, “You know what that was about? It was private…I stand by my t-shirt.” Not so private when she made it so public.
Julia Roberts harassed her husband’s first wife as the OW to force a divorce and won her turd.
Follow CL’s advice if that bitch ever tries it again. And no, you absolutely should *not* contact her about it! What on earth do you think it would achieve, beyond giving her centrality kibbles?
Yes, be ready so you can step back and say “no thank you” with whatever seems right at the time. For awhile, I had someone in my life (not my spouse) that I watched that way because I did NOT want his hugs. He was a creep.
My ex took off to another state and only managed a few texts and cards to our college kids. The kids joined me in no contact during the divorce and have remained so. He wasn’t invited to the graduations and award ceremonies. Easy, peasy, I know.
I still read along regularly (nearly 6 years since my dumping) and this one made me smile. The ex kept trying to hug me on the rare occasions when we were forced to meet to discuss arrangements (not seen him for over 5 years thank goodness). I started out by ducking out of the way – he had a tendency to block my path, making it difficult to avoid his grasp. He always had a pathetic, sad sausage look in his face, just missing a tear rolling down the cheek. There came a point where I thought ‘right, no more’. We were in a pub where we had met to discuss finances. I was very nervous about this meeting but rehearsed how it was going to be with friends and alone. He stood up and started grasping the air to hug me. I pushed his hand away and said ‘no thank you, you’ve lost that privilege’. His face was worth a thousand words. But, being strong on the narcissistic traits scale, he had another go as we were leaving the pub. This time, I sternly glared at him, looking straight in his eyes, and said ‘no thank you, I know where you’ve been’. He looked as if I’d hit him smack across the face. For me, it was a wonderful moment, as I spun round on my heels and walked away to my car without a backward glance. It’s best to deal with these situations in the moment, as far as it is safe and seemly to do so. We never know what onlookers are thinking of us really. We guess and we speculate but we don’t know the reality. This is one reason why we have to be true to ourselves and act in ways that meet our needs, not theirs.
I sternly glared at him, looking straight in his eyes, and said ‘no thank you, I know where you’ve been’.
That’s brilliant. You didn’t say anything untrue or inflammatory. He can’t claim that you defamed him or even criticized him, yet you made it clear you wanted no part of him or wherever he went. You weren’t explicit about his actions, yet other people would get the message.
I am a huge fan of putting very firm boundaries in place to ensure that I can avoid Ex-Mrs LFTT’s general f*ckery. I am sure, however, that I am not the only Chump whose FW sees these boundaries as an unwarranted punishment for the Cheater rather than as a means by which the Chump can protect themselves.
LFTT
Consequences = punishment. Why is everyone being so mean to me?!?!
In the FW mind, everything is fine Chump’s fault, don’tcha know?
Meant to type “the chump’s fault”
Yes, exactly. My decision to keep it all business post-divorce was a sign to him of just how horrible I was. Never mind the nasty divorce and the times we had to weigh protective orders. As he told his attorney multiple times, he was a WONDERFUL person looking out for his poor, messed-up wife in the divorce. His own attorney disagreed.
A strong, calm voice is alwys a good choice. Back when I first began to learn of my ex FW’s many betrayal objects over a period of 3+ decades, one of the very first things I said was that he may not touch me. Anywhere. Ever. Full stop. Hard, red line. I never deviated from that, and am so glad. I do recall that one time not too long after that, we were still living together then, that he (accidentally/on purpose) tried to put his arem around my waist in a public place in Washington, DC, where we were clearing out a townhouse and some storage units he had secretly co-owned there. I very clearly and loudly said: Do not touch me! That got the attention of a security guard. I am 5’1″ and at the time, still ill from betrayal and not back up to my regular “robust” weight of 95 pounds. I clearly looked like I might be in trouble. Not a good scene for him. Never happened again, largely due to not living with him for much longer afer that. Use your voice, calmly and clearly. I actually used to practice that at home, so I would be ready if the time arrived.
During the 8000 times I wondered what I would have done if I had learned the extent of Cheater’s treachery before he died, one of the things I believe I would do it look right in his face and say “Don’t touch me, don’t ever touch me again, if you touch me, I will consider it battery”.
Cos advice to NOT send a letter and to give simple commands next time were great. Her doing this once showed how she will likely do it in the future and now you can be ready to respond. I also suggest that, if possible, you position yourself facing a countertop or island if you see her coming so that she has no physical access to your entire frontal surface.
Additionally, this topic about what it looks like to be rebuffed from touch in public (and what people will think) is salient for me in that post Chumpdom, I married a lovely man who had been single for 12 years. His spouse left him to find greener pastures and when she didnt find them, she asked him to remarry but he declined. She was remarried before we even started dating. After we were married, their daughter graduated from HS and we attended (even though his XW told us we were not welcome despite having Pais every dime for the private school).
Anyhoo, I approached the XW, extended my hand and said “Hello, Im Unicornomore” whereupon she literally spun around on her heels and stomped away. To me, she treated me like I had been the OW in her marriage and anyone looking on would have assumed that was my role. I didnt expect a welcome basket of fruit from her but I was her daughter’s new step parent and expected decency. She has literally never spoken to me in 12 years.
Impression management and CL advice is great. Practice a look of disdain while loudly saying that command!
Something similar happened to me but it was with the flying monkey frenemy. I see now she was busy with impression management too.
CL says why would you meet a*sh***lery with vulnerability? That is a brilliant phrase!
I got well meaning but dumb advice from friends and therapists to have a heart to heart with her. I’d been on this blog for a while then and I didn’t. Really glad I didn’t! So much stupid advice out there in general by those who do NOT understand NPD, sociopathy, abuse and manipulation.
This is very timely, it happened to me this past weekend. The first large gathering since our separation and when I arrived Mr Congeniality moved in for a hug. I dodged it and kept walking, avoiding him like the plague. I have no doubt the fence sitters watching it play out, deemed me a bitter bunny and I don’t give a shit.
Thanks CL. I don’t comment often but really needed this this morning.
Bruno, that must be infuriating.
I cut my friendship with a colleague when she told me she cheated on her husband and asked me to give her my employer’s client’s proprietary information. I refused and told her I was appalled both that she’d ask for it and thought I’d give it to her. Subsequently, when she approached me at professional meetings, I didn’t know what to say, so I turned my back on her. I couldn’t bring myself to fake smile and chitchat. After a few attempts she got the message and stopped. When colleagues asked about it privately, I told them what she’d asked me to do.
Not the only time I did that. When I had just received a major award, a presidential candidate came towards me, hand outstretched and news cameras on. I didn’t want to be on national news shaking the hand of a despicable man, so I turned around. Since one person next to me was thrilled to greet him, few people noticed what I did, or perhaps didn’t realize it was intentional. As far as I know, the media didn’t show it.
Bruno, if you say, “Don’t touch me again,” in front of family and then turn away, I doubt she’ll attempt repeat performances. If she does try again, you can say, “I already told you to keep your hands off me.” In your head, but not out loud, you can be thinking, “Back off, bitch.”
Since your ex was a first grade teacher, maybe you could say, “Keep your hands to yourself. You know the rule.”
You have a right to be at any family-related event you want to attend. Don’t let her stop you from enjoying your kids and grandkids. If you embarrass her enough when you restate your boundaries, maybe she’ll stop showing up. If not, hopefully she’ll stay away from you and any attempts at performative affection.
Thank you GoodFriend for your response. While I decline to attend some events with the FW, I am not going to allow her to inhibit my behavior. She can watch out for me. Early in the divorce process my attorney recommended a restraining order, temporary child support and garnishing her wages. I followed his advice and the judge ordered it. Oh boy, she did not like her dirty laundry being aired out where she worked and screwed around!
What sucks about this is that you were caught off-guard. Even great boundaries can be punctured by the element of surprise. But now you know for next time. Plus you did pull a face, so her audience got the point.
Thanks for all the responses! So much good advice to digest.
She really caught me off guard with that hug and a very public “Don’t touch me!” Would probably have been the best way to let her know it was unwanted. This is not the first time post divorce she has pushed past boundaries. I am not going to let it prevent me from seeing my kids at significant events. She can just learn to stay in her lane.
FW’s just don’t get it. A few years ago I attended my nephew’s wedding. His mother was a flaming Jesus cheater who ran off with another member of the church worship team. She caused so much wreckage in her family and community. I hadn’t seen her in fifteen years and she walks up and gives me a big hug. I felt like my skin was going to crawl off my body! So apparently this is modus operandi for cheaters to normalize their behavior in their heads.
WAG (wild-ass guess): somewhere between 1/3 and 1/2 there knew your ex was putting on a show. Those in the know won’t say a thing because they figure it’s none of their business. (Probably discussed it at home with their significant other, complete with eye-rolls.) And even if no-one knows she’s all about image management, you have every right, next time, to employ the death glare and palm held out at arm’s length, like a traffic cop who means STOP.
Yep. You have to be direct and firm. Made it extremely clear so there’s no ambiguity about what you mean.
I do this when creep men try to touch me or approach me on the street. A few times I’ve had men actually step in front of me and block my path and say something creepy. They expect me to be timid so they can box me in. I get direct and LOUD. One time I was coming home from the gym and a guy stepped in front of me, getting in my way, and said “Sup lil mama where you headed?” I said, in a slightly raised voice, “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY.” He put his hands up by his armpits and moved out of my path.
Another time I was walking home from work (I had blue hair at the time) and a very large man standing in front of a bar stepped up and actually put his arm around me and before he could say a word I said “DO NOT TOUCH ME.” He let go and said “Dang Katy Perry, thought you was open.”
Both times these men obviously thought they could just get away with whatever they wanted to do to me, and clearly weren’t expecting loud, direct commands not to touch me.
You don’t have to be loud with your ex, but direct commands when they’re not expected WORK.
Agreed – you have to treat them like an unruly dog. Serious tone, direct commands
I think I got the best training for putting off and dodging nauseating hoovering approaches by attending various court proceedings on behalf of domestic violence survivors because it’s not uncommon for civil and criminal defense attorneys (though not public defenders who generally don’t invest in clients’ cases that much) representing domestic batterers to do that really aggressive hey-we’re-all-friends-here! hijack where they march up to you in the hallway outside of court with a giant smile and hand thrust out ready to shake whether you want to or not.
I think these types are playing the percentages that this operates as a kind of Persephone-in-hell/deal-with-the-devil psychology for most people where, if they do reflexively cave in, smile back and shake hands, it would cause too much cognitive dissonance not to melt the ice thereafter and so they’ll continue to be friendly, maybe pull some punches in the courtroom…
Personally I think the hooverers do it only partly as psychological warfare but also partly because these attorneys want to whitewash the sociopolitical stigma of defending people they know to be guilty of worse than what their clients are getting sued or charged for. If they can get everyone on the victim’s team to act like this is all just business and not personal to the point of having friendly chats on courtroom breaks, they can feel better about tearing the victim’s case and the victim themselves to pieces.
Anyway, CL’s advice to treat people like this as if they’re the uncle who molested you in childhood is perfect because something about that unsmiling “if you come near me I may pull violently away” death stare stops most aggressive hooverers in their tracks. Then it’s rather fun watching the insincere, pit bull grins melt awkwardly off their faces as their polished image-management tactic backfires and instead they’re humiliated in front of bystanders. Plus if any prospective jurors are witnessing this (weird how jurors or jury candidates are sometimes allowed to linger in public areas on breaks), it will color their impression of why the defense attorney is being so mean to the victim in court, making it seem like the attorney has a personal issue, can’t handle rejection and basically has the same demented issues as their clients.
I spent 15 years supporting victims in domestic violence class. In my observation, it was eerie how defendants seem to find lawyers who were just like them. Little sneaky abusers hired little sneaky attorneys. Big loud abusers hired big loud attorneys. It was uncanny.
I think what you’re saying is fascinating. Basically the market for attorneys is an abundant plethora of sh*tbags of every possible customized design. Meanwhile it’s extremely difficult for victims to find attorneys who don’t victim-blame.
I think it’s overgeneralizing to say it’s a “man’s world” because not all men on earth are abusers but it’s not a stretch to say it’s an “abuser’s world.”
OMG, taser? I love that. And in fact, with FW#2, I told one of our adult kids (after I discovered his cheating), that I had actually entertained using a taser on him to get his heavily, and I mean super duper heavily, guarded phone away from him, as I had an inkling that he was cheating on me. I had lovely thoughts of tasering him and then going through his phone while he lie on the floor, unable to move and/or stop me. But of course, I didn’t. But what a dream, lol. Like Tracy says, if it feels good, don’t do it!
But back to FW#1, whom I recently saw at my oldest son’s wedding a few weeks ago. He was there with his wife #4 but he seemed SO uncomfortable around me. Why? He was the one that cheated on me and gave me chlamydia while I was pregnant. Sheesh.
But whatever, I just ignored his ass for the most part, other than exchanging a hello. It’s his problem if he was uncomfortable, not mine. I didn’t do anything and I know it, and he knows it. The end of our marriage was all on him and his choices. I had an amazing time at the wedding. It was a happy, amazing evening! I love my son and I gained a new, wonderful daughter! The day couldn’t be better and I would be damned if I was going to let him ruin it!
But, having said all this, I would have been totally freaked out if he had tried to hug me. So I can’t blame the OP for being freaked out by his ex doing that. But with Tracy’s amazing guidance, I am hoping he tells her NO before she even gets to the point of touching him next time! And I will be sure to be guarded if that ever seems like it would happen, see my ex “coming in” and put my hand up to say “no, no thanks, don’t touch me!”
“no, no
thanks, don’t touch me!”FIFY ! 😜
Never tell a FW your feelings about anything. They don’t get access to your feelings. If they have it they’ll find a way to use it to mess with you. If anything, this creepy bitch would probably play this game all the more often for knowing it bothers you, Bruno. So take CL’s excellent advice and be fully willing to embarrass her by refusing her fake affection. Be cold and be firm, so there is no wiggle room for her at all. If people want to think you’re a hardass and bitter for it, that’s their problem. If they have the gall to criticize you then you can just bring up the incident where she got violent. Best of luck. She sounds like a doozy.
Narcissists and flying monkeys will weaponize every vulnerability, emotion, secret, fear, hope, scrap of information that you’ve ever disclosed to them.
This so true! Awful, but true.
I am not surprised to hear that after all this time, the untrustworthy boundaryless former so-called spouse has failed to learn basic physical boundaries.
No further communication is necessary IMHO.
(I don’t need to call people to tell them not to call me anymore. I just ignore them.)
Personally, my former so-called husband never listened to what I said whether it was the spoken word or the written word. He doesn’t listen to law enforcement either. Or respect legal agreements he signs.
Actions are the best and loudest form of communication. Aside from playing Keep Away at the next function by staying physically as far from her as possible, I’d put my arm out and hand up in a blocking STOP if she managed to get close enough to attempt a hug.
(And maybe ask her if she likes her arms attached to her body?)
😛
That was my ex too. Some weeks into closeout, he was wanting to change the terms and for us both to ditch our attorneys. Just classic behavior in cases like that…Thankfully, I had been warned to expect it.
Needless to say, I dug in to follow the agreement and kept my attorney in the loop. Even after we closed the file, he said to shoot him and his paralegal an email ANY time I needed them, and he would reopen it immediately. He also outlined potential trouble areas and told me what to do. And, of course, one of those flared, but I handled it myself—no attorney needed.
Bruno, I experienced a similar situation a few months ago. After two years of avoiding each other at events, X sat directly behind me at our daughter’s awards ceremony and tried to chat me up. There were hundreds of empty seats, including one right next to his AP (whose child was also winning an award). We had several more events ahead of us where X and I would both be present. I didn’t want him sidling up next to me again, pretending like we’re friends. WE ARE NOT FRIENDS. So I sent him this text before the next event: “I want to be clear ahead of time that I’m not comfortable sitting together. I appreciate you understanding and making other plans for where to sit.” He didn’t like it. He also didn’t try sitting with me again. Mission accomplished.
Gaaah. What a creep. Was he trying to make AP crank up the pick-me dance?
Having one Ex for 38 years, I remained no contact as soon as the child support stopped. We went no -where together except 2 weddings where my daughter sat us apart. Both my kids know I don’t do together parties. They don’t even want to see us together as we are from different planets and neither kid knows if we’ll do a Jerry Springer in public ….and don’t want to find out either. Animosity won the day. Of course perhaps this has been terrible for the kids who are now adults 38 years of grey rock..but it has bought me my mental health which spills over to them..though they don’t know that. My grandkids know we are oil and vinegar and my 14 year old grandson wants to know how we got married and were together 14 years without a homicide?? So my dear Bruno, you only control you. My thoughts are 1. You stayed too long 2. You got too close and you may have been too congenial. Your cheater reads you like a book and waited till your wife stepped away. A real opportunist. You can do better. I agree absolutely no emails or texts…your X must be bored and you look good again..well every male looks good. Tasser is the best idea but you’d have to get close!!! Stop it now!
Wow. The first thing I thought when I read the heading was “Ewww. Cheater cooties!”
I agree with Chump Lady’s advice on this one. No letter. No email. And handle it with a direct command – I need to remember this advice!
Not an FW but my narc-infested sibling. I haven’t spoken to her, very much out of choice, in decades. I went to a family thing and knew she would be there, so my wife and I made a bunch of contingency plans so I was supported when she inevitably tried her impression management. So of course sibling waited til my wife left me alone for two entire minutes and slid in next to me, tried putting an arm around my shoulder, offering me to come sit with her. And she did NOT know what to do when I squirmed away and repeated, slightly louder each time, “I’m fine, thank you, no.”
As soon as she realised other people might notice, she was off like a shot and didn’t try speaking to me again.
That was the first time in 40yrs I’d been able to stand up to her like that. When I doubt myself now, I can remember that moment where she thought she saw me vulnerable – as I always had been in the past – and found out I’d grown teeth.
My mom cheated on my dad 50+ years ago, and when they are at the
same family parties, my mom will go up to my dad and force a hug onto him. It makes me cringe. And now I know what he feels, because now I am a chump. I don’t want FW ever touching me again, and I’m deathly afraid of him hugging me if I ever see him again. When I met him at the courthouse, to file for divorce, he sat next to me on a bench, and I scooted completely away. He asked if I wanted to be as far away from him as possible, and I said, “I do.” He got upset and walked away. At his mom’s funeral, I made arrangements beforehand with my kids to sit between us, and then I left immediately afterwards while he was occupied. FW is very touch feely, and I will do everything I can to never let that a-hole touch me again.