SIL Thinks I Should Be a ‘Big Happy Family’ With Ex
Her sister-in-law thinks she should be a “big happy family” with her ex-husband. Even though he married his affair partner.
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Dear Chump Lady,
My sister in law has been hounding me to befriend the affair partner who is now married to my ex, so we can be a big happy family again.
She told me that I’m hurting my children more than they already have been by avoiding my ex and a friendship.
Arghhh! I was so pissed and tongue-tied. Next time she tries to convince me to let it go, what do I say? I want a quick witty comeback to shut this conversation down.
Thanks.
Not Friends
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Dear Not Friends
“Shut your pie hole” comes to mind, or its ruder variants. How you coparent, or parallel parent, is absolutely none of her business.
When people ask obnoxious, intrusive questions, one strategy is to ask them to repeat themselves. Then they can reflect on their stupidity instead of broadsiding you with it. It’s a jujitsu power move.
Sister-in-law: “So, Not Friends, how long have you been embittering the children? Valerie is lovely and you should be friends.”
Not Friends: “I’m sorry, could you repeat that?”
(stupid utterance)
Not Friends: “Excuse me?” (Give look of bafflement and secondhand mortification that she could ask such a thing.)
(stupid utterance)
Blink.
Refuse to engage.
Denying her the defensiveness she’s expecting by not replying gets the point across more than any snappy comeback.
Next time she tries to convince me to let it go, what do I say? I want a quick witty comeback to shut this conversation down.
Shutting the conversation down shuts the conversation down. You’re not playing her games. Her opinion of your parenting does not matter.
You don’t have to be friends with your ex.
Not for the children. Not for the good of the nation and not for Jesus. Your job is to be the sane parent and follow court orders with basic civility. That’s it. Friendship is not on the table.
You are a big happy family, minus your ex. His presence doesn’t make your family complete. If it helps, send your SIL this post. I’ll speak to her directly.
Hi SIL:
This is why big happy family expectations with your ex are offensive:
- They assume that the single parent’s current family arrangement is illegitimate.
- They prioritize your comfort over the divorced parent’s no contact.
- Research doesn’t validate that being friends with your ex is best for the children.
Also, it’s absolutely not your job to scold anyone about their parenting. Especially if you’ve never lived this. Unless the parent is doing something to demonstrably harm a child, like dangling them over a balcony or involving themselves with a known predator, stay in your lane. We aren’t calling CPS because Schmoopie didn’t get invited to a barbecue. Have some perspective. Indifference to your ex is not a crisis or a moral failing that needs correcting.
Let’s take these points one by one.
Single parent households are not less than.
By demanding that her ex be in her life you’re implying that only his presence makes a family. Sister wives much? You’re delegitimizing her family as it is presently configured. Her CHOICE to not have that man in her life. She didn’t blow up the family with divorce, he destroyed the family when he cheated on her.
Betrayal and sexual humiliation are not a basis for friendship, but they are solid reasons for avoidance. Not only are you minimizing her grief after such a trauma, you’re saying that her Herculean efforts to build a new life and solo parent aren’t good enough. Because she lacks “friendship” with her abuser.
Who made you the arbiter of post-divorce success?
Wanting friendship and public forgiveness is about YOU.
You must feel a lot of discomfort about their breakup. It would be so much easier and less awkward if everyone got along. Alliances wouldn’t have to change. Holidays could be like they were, only with a new shiny wife appliance. If only Not Friends would eat the shit sandwich for everyone else’s sake. Be inauthentic! Keep up appearances!
That exacts a terrible emotional price on Not Friends. It denies the reality of her grief, but also her hard-won indifference to her ex. The reality is that man did not break up with her honestly and ethically. He STOLE from her. He let her invest in a fake reality, that he was committed to her. And extracted labor from that commitment, which benefited him.
By demanding she forgive him, and bestow friendship on him, ELEVATES him. It keeps her doing emotional labor and impression management for the person who harmed her. It tells the world that what he did wasn’t So Bad that she won’t be friends.
Infidelity isn’t a millstone around her neck, she doesn’t define herself by it, but neither does she want to be reminded of that nightmare. She’s trying to focus on her new life. Which she’s accomplishing by going gray rock with her ex.
Civility is enough. And you have no idea how difficult that is.
Research doesn’t validate that being friends with your ex is best for the children.
But there’s a lot of evidence that letting abusers back in your life can lead to terrible outcomes. Google Kayden’s Law. Or spend some time researching gender bias in family court. Or educate yourself about domestic violence.
Best case, it’s emotionally difficult to be around an ex. Worst case, it’s actually dangerous. Before you friendship shame, consider that you have no idea what this person might be dealing with.
Of course it’s ideal if children have two loving, involved, stable parents. And no one here is advocating disparaging an ex in front of the kids.(Shit talking exes is what support sites are for.) Judge parents by how they much show up for their kids.
Research shows that it’s not divorce itself that harms kids, it’s the amount of conflict they’re exposed to. Staying enmeshed with the person who cheated on you, and their conspirator, isn’t a recipe for serenity. But even a hard-won peace and lack of conflict doesn’t equal friendship. It can just be coexistence or parallel parenting.
Telling someone that if they don’t conform to YOUR idea of family, they’ll harm their children is the ugliest kind of manipulation. You’re hitting them with blunt force guilt, implying that they don’t care. When chances are the chump is doing the lion’s share of the parenting because the other parent checked out for their affair.
In short, Sis, STFU.
Well it’s quite clear whose “Team” SIL is on, isn’t it? She just wants a nice comfy consequence free ride for her brother and his AP. So much for the sisterhood and her having any negative view about what what her brother (and his AP) did to Not Friends and her children.
I would suggest that Not Friends needs to disengage from SIL and then maintain no contact; she is a flying monkey for her brother and nothing more.
LFTT
Crappy SIL does not care about OP pain, trauma, discomfort. She is cloaking her selfishness in the indirect attack on the Chump parenting. Exactly what a former friend of mine is doing who’s a flying monkey now for my FW.
Remember these monsters are a product of their environment and genes. looking at any FW family I bet most of us would spot multiple NPD and selfish people. Quelle surprise!
Nailed it. People have NO idea of the psychological damage the betrayal of infidelity inflicts. Lucky them! Now back off sis!
Except if one of FW’s parents was also betrayed in traumatic style (like my FIL), and they still expect me to keep things smooth and peaceful and not use an attorney. The FW’s family may understand the psychological damage but they are blind to it when it comes to their own offspring being the toxic offender.
It’s fascinating how many people in my orbit have suggested I release my anger toward my X, for my own well being. Ummmm for who ? Its truly just a veiled attempt from others to comfort themselves, make themselves less squirmy and somehow award medals to those who choose an easy path forward and make it all work for everyone else.My answer to most? You can choose to look the other way, make excuses and justify all of this for your own well being, I choose to be angry and tell the world, if asked, how much this stinks. I make zero excuses for breaking up a family and failing those you promised to love and protect. Would you feel the same if this was your family? Usually they stop offering advice at that point.
This is so spot on.
“Shame must change sides” Giselle Pelicot
“It’s fascinating how many people in my orbit have suggested I release my anger toward my X, for my own well being.”
For an extremely long time I was frequently walking around in a sometimes subtle, sometimes not so subtle rage. (It didn’t help that FW was constantly doing something new to tick me off, so it was the affair that initially angered me, but then constant new “gifts” arrived because a FW is gonna FW)
Do I think all that anger was good for me? Not exactly, It was stressful on me phystically.
But now? I am much calmer. And I didn’t forgive him. I just felt my authentic feelings as they came and burned them off, like calories. You probably will too. It took years for me to get here. And low contact played a huge part in that as well.
I don’t say this to be like “oh you will forgive him entually” in a condescending way but more to say sure, walking around like a live wire ready to explode 24/7 is not great for a human, but it is an honest place to be in your situation. I think that can be healthy in that you are facing your feelings, burying them isn’t good either! And I while you may never forgive, at some point, you probably will just burn it off and think of it as this awful thing you went through, but it won’t sit with you every day, mucking up your good time. But that has eff all to do with the FW and forgiveness.
Some people just don’t deserve a place in your life. My ex had significant mental health issues, and that was doubly true for me. Thankfully, I was able to end all contact with him. We had to walk the difficult line of getting a protective order or not, and ultimately just got the divorce done.
A friend of mine in another state was in a similar, even more dangerous situation, and she actually had to change her identity and move across the country in order to protect herself and her disabled daughter. Infidelity was part of it, but her ex was just not a safe person to remain in contact with.
And people just don’t get that type of thing. I’ve gotten so frustrated with people who have tried to shame me for not being in contact with my ex that I have cut certain people out of my life and am very outspoken about just how off it is to say that you have to be “friends” with them. No, you don’t.
People are stupid, selfish or both
In my experience, it’s both. “I love and cherish individuals. I despise and detest people.” -George Carlin
LOL. So good.
Thank you Chumplady and Chumpnation. Yes, maybe it’s time to go greyrock to sister in law. It’s painful enough to lose FW to AP but each family member who supports him is also a loss- but that’s ok- they are clearly not worthy. It’s difficult though to lose the ones who pretend to be on your side but get tired of all this separation, silence, and feel justified saying you’ve made your point, can we all be friends now? SIL undermines all the hard work put in to rebuilding a life. This is helpful. It’s the continued manipulation and shock that it’s happening yet again. I believe you’ve said it before and perhaps I didn’t take heed- cut out Switzerland friends. This is a good example of why. Not Friends!
Expired Appliance/Not Friends,
You’ll find that, as a Chump, your social circle becomes a little more “exclusive” as you weed out those that prove that they are not worthy of your time and attention. In my case the weeding was not a “one and done” activity, but done progressively over time.
I’m saddened that some people that I thought were friends/allies ultimately proved themselves not to be, but I absolutely own the decision to cut contact with them and I choose not to miss them.
Lastly, best of luck and remember that CN is here for you.
LFTT
And the weeding out is painful, but the harvest is good.
I was talking with one of my adult kids this weekend about my current circle of friends. Everyone is a 24/7 friend, someone you could call in the middle of the night if you had to, and they’d be there for whatever you needed. And NONE of them knew my ex.
That says something about how much I had to weed!
Indeed a painful process but once I followed CN advice I freed myself for time new friends who stand by me. And also time for acquaintances and neighbor friends who stepped up to the plate and supported me. We have become closer now. They deserve my energy not FW family or flying monkeys
A few weeks ago, my DIL of 20 years askee me why, for the sake of my grandchildren, I was not friendly with either cheater #1 or #2. No sitting together at events, not wanting to go on ” family’ cruises, no hug greetings. Of course my heart fell for such a question..but after my 2 years with Tracy and you all…I simply said, I cannot be friends with people who have abused me, however charming they are now. I told her even 37 years after cheater one, I still have a visceral reaction to cheater 1. I can be civil but not friendly. Cheater 2 is still zero contact. My family understands and my DIL gets it now..but For the children and grandchildren…especially the grandchildren, have no real history with such trauma. I just can’t do it and that is the way it will stay. My mental health and my hurt body, do not forget.
Not friends – I suspect that your SIL has heard the affair details and is choosing to minimize your pain and her brother’s sins.
You have no responsibility to make it easier for anyone to re-write your history, but for purely practical reasons you may want to disengage. IF your child/children will be attending events with their aunt due to geographical proximity or their father’s closeness with his family, there are advantages to minimizing conflict.
I’m fairly confident your SIL will not chase you down for a heart-to-heart conversation since denial is a dynamic of her family. All you have to do is — nothing. Stand in that power.
There are lots of articles in this blog regarding what to say to your children.
This is just another way for people to minimize the horrible events in your life that they have NOT lived. I have decided to never see him again, and I have adult nieces who will have weddings that I will not attend if he is there. You should never be convinced to be near your abuser.
Last sentence can be the snappy comeback. I do not wish to hang out or remain ‘friends’ with my abuser thank you very much.
writer, i’m happy not to have contact with my SIL who is “a real piece of work”. this is code for a complete asshole. after years of standardized devaluation and the occasional emotionally abusive outburst, i no longer have to deal with her. this is a relief.
it’s taken me 5 years and a lot of therapy to sort through the abusive patterns in both my own FOO and my former in-laws, and i know it takes time. but often times the family of a narcissist is narcissistic, too.
TBH one of my earliest red flags was my SIL throwing a fit at my wedding, hissing, “and you had to drag us out here into the middle of nowhere for this wedding”. the ceremony occurred at a picturesque mountain lodge in the rockies–think picture postcard level. stunned, i watched her husband shush her and my new husband blankly ignore the situation.
i mentioned this scenario in therapy, offhandedly, and my therapist said, “this is abuse. you understand that this is abusive, right?” i sat there blinking for a couple of minutes, and said, “you’re right.”
you see, i had it filed under “that’s just my SIL”. perhaps this incident with your SIL is mis-filed in your brain? perhaps this is one of many examples of her devaluating behaviour?
i get it. it takes time to sort out narcissists because their primary job is to confuse/manipulate others. you are not alone.
#confused #damnitfeelsbadtobeachumpster
Not Friends, how is this twit your sister-in-law? Is she your brother’s wife? A new husbands’s sister? The ex’s sister? Because if she is the ex’s sister, no contact is the answer. Feel free to block her all the ways you can be contacted. The ex’s sister is NOT your sister-in-law. She’s your FORMER sister-in-law.
I have ten bucks that says ex SIL has had, or is having, an affair.
Because the only people who tried this bullshit out on me were people who’d had affairs. Including my own mother.
Yep it’s like a magic decoder ring that suddenly reveals who in one’s social circle is a cheater
What about her brother hurting the children by — oh, I dunno — BLOWING UP HIS FAMILY!?!?!?
This has the same vibe as my aunt’s letter. https://www.chumplady.com/extended-family-doesnt-respect-no-contact/
I haven’t responded to her. FW is the only person I communicate with regarding the court order he pushed hard to obtain but refuses to follow. I hope the judge sees the pattern at the next court appearance, but I’m not holding my breath.
I’m making one last attempt at reconciliation with my mother, which is going as well as expected. One hard-line I’ve drawn is that she cannot ask about my children, and I will not discuss them. While my aunt’s letter primarily tried to guilt-trip me for the greater good, my mother focuses on herself in an 11:1 ratio—talking about herself every four words. Several family members have initiated no contact with her, and she claims she doesn’t understand why.
As of yesterday, she played the “for the children” card. She even mentioned using my oldest child’s name as part of her email address because she loves him so much, completely ignoring her other grandchildren. Then she tried to manipulate me into talking to my abusive brother, who is a friend of FW.
Here was my quippy comeback: “The window for reconciliation with that person has closed as of XYZ date ( we found out he was the one who swatted my house an hour after I brought my newborn home from the hospital, after dealing with months of stalking and harassment from FW’s Bunny boiler). He is dead to me, and I am not interested in conducting a séance.”
I followed up with various family members who have estranged themselves from her for good reason, and she knows why because those specific people don’t mince words. She has reaped what she has sown, and if she doesn’t want to continue down this path, she should reflect on her role in the chaos and accept the consequences of her actions because she is not entitled to a relationship with anyone.
Here’s an additional angle that hasn’t been discussed yet: it’s possible, maybe even likely, that Not Friends’s ex has been doing some triangulation here. I know that my ex took this “she won’t be aaaaaaamicable” narrative and peddled it far and wide, which increased the ex in-laws’ and old mutual friends’ pressure on me to “be reasonable” and “act like a bigger person.”
In my case, when I took up the ex on these pleas for amicability and family holidays, my ex used these occasions to gain further access to me and became even more disparaging and hostile, often in front my child, and because there were witnesses I felt like I was unable to speak up and defend myself without falling further into the “bitter rejected ex” narrative.
It’s absolutely fucked and I would never advise anyone to even consider it family holidays with someone who has a demonstrated history of engaging in the sort lies, manipulation, and betrayal that would make it possible to have an affair.
Yeah, no doubt the FW has been whining about Not Friends to all and sundry. It’s what they do.
I have such deep, deep, deep sympathy for Not Friends. My FW did not end up with his AP afterall. They imploded as soon as we separated. So I never had to deal with my kids having AP in their lives. I am forever grateful for that as it is a shit sandwich of epic proportions that far too many chumps have to deal with, and for a long time I thought I would be in that boat too and just thinking about it was excrutiating.
The SIL is not unique. So many chumps have had someone “helpfully” tell them that they should be friendly with the ex and AP for the “sake of the children”.
What I find interesting is how all of these “helpers” come to the chump and tell them they should do this but they don’t go to the FW with the reverse option.
“Hey there, Chump. I know you were just minding your business, living your lilfe, thinking your marriage was just fine. Making future plans with your spouse and then boom, a bomb was dropped in your lap. You found out your spouse was lying to you for years, cheating on you, betraying you in ways you never would have thought possible. And now you are on your own, possibly struggling financially, maybe trying to get a job after being out of the workforce for years as you raised your 3 kids and your spouse worked, establishing themselves in their chosen field. You are in a small, crappy apartment and the AP is in the house that you lovingly remodeled from the bottom up. The AP is also at all your son’s soccer games and is taking all the family vacations with your kids that YOU used to take but now you can’t afford. You should put ALL that aside and befriend these two people. No biggie”
You know what I never see suggested? “Hey FW, I know you met this AP and say they are your soul mate and that they make you so happy that you couldn’t help but cheat on your spouse of 20 years, but you know, you have kids and while obviously your cheating ended your marriage, you do still have kids, and it would be great if you could be on friendly terms with your co-parent. That is not going to be easy with the AP around. So you should probably get rid of them and put your kids first.”
It’s not that I even think scenario 2 is all that reasonable. (although..maybe it is?) But I think scenario 2 is a lot less of a crazy suggestion than scenario 1. And yet, we all see #1 come up and NEVER #2.
Also, maybe Not Friends should embark on an affair with her SIL’s husband and after a year, let her know. Then see how much SIL wants to be on friendly terms with Not Friends for the sake of her nieces/nephews. Obviously, I am not seriously suggesting that, but the idea of it stands. No one that has been through this would suggest that being friends with your FW is not only an option, but that it is YOUR moral failing if you don’t do this. But it is ok for the FW to keep the AP around after theitr affair destroyed their kids family? How does this come back to being the CHUMPS fault?
Depending on crappy the SIL is I’d almost suggest an anonymous tip to the ex SIL that HER husband is cheating! Just to mess with her head and mindf$_k the beeyotch back
Time out, coffee is still hitting.
Sister in law?
As in “sister of the person that betrayed you”? That you are divorced from? Or is this “brother’s wife”?
Either way, they don’t get a vote. Or they do. And you get 50,000,000 votes. For somebody that’s been confrontational about your personal business their conflict resolution style elsewhere seems to be “sweep it under the rug and pretend nothing is wrong.” Does this person sound like they are worth listening to and honoring the opiniong of? No. No, they do not.
Don’t even get me started on “complicit in the sundering of your reality.”
If it is your fuckwit’s sister-cut them off! They’re in the No Contact bubble. They’re on that idiot’s side, not your children’s, and certainly not yours.
You need a one liner? “Well, I’m glad YOU are thinking of the kids. He wasn’t when he tried to go make more elsewhere.”(you can probably modify that into “he LOVES kids! So much that he tried to go and make more! I dunno, I’m tired…workshop it maybe?)
See, I’m annoyed by this sister-in-law. So I say she should have to do my laundry for a month. See? I can arbitrarily force values on people that don’t have any real skin in the game, too. And it makes just as much sense.
Happy Tuesday to those that celebrate!
This is going to be a bit hard to explain but, personally, I think that many situations where someone like Not Friends is badgered by bystanders about “acting like a victim” or told not to be “bitter” or is pressured to “forgive,” it’s a case where the justice system is still in the dark ages.
In other words, many times these are situations for which, in a better world, the victim might have been able to sue or prosecute for coercive control, financial abuse, psychological suffering, rape by deception or force schmoopies and escorts to return the value of assets plundered in the course of affairs.
In different contexts, all of the above are criminal acts or at least tort matters. But since the criminal definitions of financial consent still aren’t applied to marriage, since the legal definition of sexual consent is still much vaguer than the legal definition of financial consent and since even the legal definition of “receipt of stolen property” still won’t force schmoopies to return plundered marital assets, there are still few legal consequences for very serious domestic abuse that doesn’t involve broken eye sockets and bullet wounds.
Because all of the above are effective crimes (rape, embezzlement, psychological coercion and torture) even if not yet technically criminal, I think one of the ways that dim witted bystanders “keep the peace” in situations that rightfully deserved justice but didn’t get it is to reflexively, instinctively reduce the risk of vigilantism: tell the victim to shut up and pipe down and play friendsies with perpetrators.
The reason I think this is because, in two situations involving sexual harassment and workplace assault, the fact that I successfully prosecuted both perpetrators made negative bystanders choke on all their silencing and victim-blaming proscriptions– “don’t act like a victim,” etc. In short, justice was the best PTSD treatment and very “becalming” for me and wrapping crime tape around the situations stopped the bystander shenanigans. And finally, it rather humorously put the “acting like a victim/don’t be bitter” shoe on the other foot since, not only did the perpetrators’ sycophants end up covered in sh*t by association with convicted sex pests, they were stuck getting the drunken three AM phone calls in which perps whined and wailed about being “victimized by the system.” Last but not least, after the prosecution, any bystander who continued to argue on behalf of the perps risked witness tampering charges.
It certainly clarified everything. I think what I’m trying to say is that these negative bystander reactions might reflect some kind of monkey communal consciousness that there should have been justice in certain situations but wasn’t so the “hive mind” social reaction is to tamp down the risk of victims upsetting the social fabric by retaliating precisely because each negative bystander unconsciously knows that, had they been victimized in this way, they would have gone postal.
If that makes sense. It’s all a bit like the song “There’s a Hole in the Bucket” since the real social remedy for all this idiocy and chaos is to make certain forms of abuse criminally or civilly punishable. If you think about it, even negative bystanders are betraying a certain amount of anxiety over the lack of justice.
Many couple friends listened to my story in all the details while I was melting down…listened and then abandoned me. Even one couple talking to my abuser as a counselor with their only claim to fame of, caring for the poor outcasts. The only answer I have is no contact with them. It has been so painful to be so injured and the bystanders wanting me to hold hands and sing kum-by- ya…but I allow them their ignorance and their support for the cheater and I move on. My motto remains, I don’t throw my pearls into the pig pen..there are hopeless bystanders and someone else can educate them
Yes, I learned the hard way that there are those who will stand with you initially, and then those who will stand with you long-term.
I had a very dear friend from when our kids were babies who did that, spanning all those years perfectly. Sadly, she died two summers ago of her third round of cancer. Her husband was also cheater, but she wasn’t well enough to think of leaving him, so thankfully I was at least there for her in that. He said something very nasty to me at the funeral, so I’m guessing that he somehow knew that I knew.
I had some folks who were right there with us, step-by-step, and then complete abandonment some months into closeout. To this day, I don’t know what happened. I mentioned to them a month or two back how hurtful that was. The husband apologized, but didn’t explain. I was alone on Easter and got invited there, but I don’t know if the connection will continue. I’m not counting on that (of course).
So, what I call my 24/7 friends are all post-ex. One of them met him in a business context years ago, but otherwise they never knew him.
Elsie,For me it was the shock of finding out the truth about those I BELIEVED loved me. Those family members of #1 cheater I had known since I was 7years old( i grew up.with cheater #1),.MIL who had been so kind to my parents back when I was a little girl..my SIL who went to grade school with me …slowly stopped all contact.?? I know we all suffer in this way, but the exact pattern repeated after 32 years with second cheater. It’s that double barrel shot gun of my marriages where friends forever just turn and support the cheaters? How? Couple Friends go to the cheaters wedding? My Friend is his wedding photographer? So all these people were mirages not just my cheaters. It’s a bitter pill to swallow..but the truth, however harsh is better than living with lies.
In my experience, the best “education” for most victim-blaming bystanders is having the abusers they’re defending indicted and convicted.
There are always going to be a few intractable hybristophiliacs around who are actually drawn to proven felons and criminals. But most people will frantically scramble in the other direction before the reputational stink rubs off by association and will stop meddling before they get pulled up on charges of witness tampering.
Of course survivors should still shun bystanders like this even if, for self preservation, the latter eventually distance themselves from abusers. I personally can’t stand people who can only be moved to do the right thing by consequences.
Like my cheater…don’t leave puleese…if YOU get help I’ll stay. Consequences are kryptonite..but we educate and enable these Fearful – abusers by hanging on for our former lives. People who are impacted by learning about abuse second hand …The hardest way, and are no longer bystanders and advice givers…are still not worthy of the connection..the “You were right “is a bit too late and sour grapes..still not friendship material.
At the very least, people who don’t respond supportively when the chips are down are simply failing to deepen and energize the bond, making the relationship far easier to let go of. This has happened a few times in my life where, though I didn’t necessarily burn with resentment that this or that person didn’t show up or behave well at a critical time, I also simply found myself forgetting about them more easily.
I was sadly fortunate in that the former SILs quickly abandon me.
Not one sound of sadness or condolences post cheating and filing…I’m not sure which is worse. I never existed after 14 #1 and then 32 years#2. Forgetting the ties between us was harder…
You may be more fortunate than me in that you ever found the loss of a SIL tragic and hard to endure along the lines of the view that “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”
But I’m mostly joking when I say that because I actually found it totally painless to cut ties. I went NC with my exSIL (and exMIL) a year and a half prior to my chump experience and I thank God that I did this. When the first pre-cheating in-law fallout happened (over my exMIL’s bizarre and unqualified attacks against my parenting and exSIL’s vicious defense of her mother’s behavior), I felt only relief to be finally rid of these awful, stupid, creepy women whose meanness and basic idiocy I’d suffered for nineteen years in stoic silence.
It felt like an exorcism– like I finally had a solid and verifiable reason to rid myself of people who’d creeped me out for years. After the chump debacle, I was even more grateful not to have these terrible people in my orbit because both would definitely have acted like victim-blaming crusaders and enemy spies.
But I can still remember how disappointed and sad I felt in the early years of the marriage when I realized that FW’s family were total duds and would never fulfill my long-held dream of being surrounded by a loving and supportive clan. So if the realization that your in-laws were unsupportive assholes came as a rather late shock in your marriage, I can still empathize with the shock and disappointment if I think back.
I even think you’re actually less lucky than me simply because I got the “early warning” that I was dealing with creeps before I ever truly emotionally bonded with these disgusting people while you may have dealt with better mindf*cking and a consequent greater crash of disappointment.
Hell of a chump..My husband faked his love for me until his father died, whom we had been caring for for 30 years with mental illness. And his mother died soon after. He had some of their money and felt my being retired …and he having no further need of the nurse or my purse. My worth was over. His mother had been married x8 and was a black widow…his sister used men like kleenex, his other sister was shallow and his brother never cared about me. So I was used up and tossed out. I’m thrilled to be far away from.them all. So thankful that connection was included in my NC..Still a surprise to be so chumped and dumped.
Not Friends, you don’t need a witty comeback. All you need to do is tell the truth, as in; “That’s a ridiculous idea and it’s not going to happen.” If she tries to argue with you about it, put your hand up to silence her and say; “Did you not hear me say no? I said no and I meant it. We will not discuss it further.” Remember to be firm and final. Never mind what she thinks of you. She’ll probably run to ex and whine you were mean to her. Why even care if she does? She is your SIL, but you don’t need to spend time with her, let alone deal with her rude, insulting bullshit. Don’t be afraid to stand up to these kind of people, even if they are tangentially related to you.
Thank you so much for the timely and sound counsel. Even though I’ve been out for years, I sometimes forget why I cannot have any sort of relationship with the FW (until he does something shitty again).
This validates my continued distance from FW: “Betrayal and sexual humiliation are not a basis for friendship, but they are solid reasons for avoidance.’
Cheater blows up the kids life, abandons the family. The kids now get to “visit” their mom and dad, yeah I get that the kids might like to feel they are one big happy family, but they arent. The sooner they realize that and see reality the better. There is alot of denial and looking past stuff in life for some people. Denying reality I dont think is great for kids development. Life can be messy. But lets pretend all is well. Plus cheater will most likely not pay child support, honor agreements to pay for college, ect. Cheaters replace spouses, guess what? They replace kids too. Will treat AP kids like gold, buy them ponies, While their bio kids live in poverty. Its all kinds of messed up. The kids will see dad not show up for them and SIL wants them to jump on the ignorance bus. F @@@ her! SIL will call you a bitter bunny. I agree, cut her out of your life. If you have to communicate at all with her, bare minimum. She may be the kids aunt but you are no longer related to her.
Call her out. Tell her you have moved on. You care? We are no longer family but you can step up and be an amazing aunt to my kids. Fill in the gaps. Lets see what she does.