Ninja Mom Note and Sane Parent Wins
Sometimes a sweet gesture can make all those long, hard sane parent days worth it. You’re not a single mom — YOU’RE A NINJA!
My friends…look at this! My 11 year old son gave me this note, tucked in a little box. We have a Christmas Eve tradition of opening one gift and he wanted me to open this. He wrote this!! I’m telling you, if this is how my sons see me, that’s the greatest gift EVER. Keep being the sane, safe parent friends. They know!!
KathleenI can’t stop crying over this sweetness.
I saw this post on the private Chump Nation Facebook page and reached out to Kathleen. Because, who has a dry eye here, right? What a great kid. What a great mom. I had to know more of the story. Kathleen filled me in on her Christmas Eve gift and the awful chump experience that made her a single mom. She’s going back to court with her FW in a custody trial in February. Let’s send her some CN sane parent mojo.
****
Kathleen’s story
I have two handsome sons. I’ve been separated from FW since March 2021, divorced for almost a year. We are still in a heated custody battle and asset division. I’ve been a stay at home mom the kids’ entire lives (ages 13 and 11). FW was always busy with his career, and towards the end, was spending even weekends “working” while building hours to be an airline pilot.
So, he wasn’t an active parent. He could slip in after work, play the part, and move on. I was in the nitty gritty. The boys wanted to stay with me so I fought for primary custody, and originally was awarded that in June 2023. However, I had to take my FW back to court for contempt in November, and he decided to fight the temp orders.
The judge ended up granting the 50/50 in November, which was devastating.
My kids saw me fall into the arms of my neighbor sobbing when I got home. They knew I had fought hard. What was even more disturbing was everything that the judge ordered that day. He ordered that FW had to go meet with every single teacher for both kids to get an update on their learning styles, etc. (This was supposed to reassure me, pathetic.. he never once did ANY homework with the kids and THIS is supposed to make me feel better?)
Then the judge ordered ME to provide a meal plan to FW and a list of snacks, lunchbox ideas, etc. I also had to provide an itinerary of the kids’ schedules, you know, basic things that any halfway involved parent would know. How the judge couldn’t see how asinine his ruling was, when he had to make me parent FW so FW could then attempt to parent our kids, is just completely beyond me. I had to meet FW face to face to exchange this information too.
I’ve remained the safe, steady, and sane parent. I don’t gaslight my kids and they know they can share their true feelings about FW with me. It’s been a rough road, and we still are not done. Final court in February, but I highly doubt the judge will overturn his 50/50. But at least I can see how my son sees me, and that means the world to me.
***
Kathleen, my heart goes out to you about the continued struggles with the FW parent. (And the misogyny of that judge. Excuse me, is there something about having a uterus that makes you uniquely qualified at lunchbox snacks?)
I hope your kids are old enough to decide this one, or the court will weigh their preferences. But listen, you WIN the sane parent award. As is clear from this lifetime Mom Ninja award from your son.
You’re a ninja!
To be a ninja is to be skilled in “irregular warfare.” Which is exactly the skillset needed for co-parenting with a FW. My advice to you as a custody trial veteran is to keep all your answers and evidence pointed at the best interest of the kids. And DOCUMENT, document, document everything sane parent thing you do, and every time he fails to abide by the court order.
As my lawyer once told me, “Be the prettiest pony.” It’s a horse and pony show, and you need to present well. (Which I know feels totally impossible during something as emotional as a custody battle.) Just remember, you’ve already won. You’re a goddamn ninja.
Today’s Friday Challenge in honor of Kathleen, is to share with CN all your sane parenting wins. Every solo mom and dad is a ninja warrior. Keep up the good fight.
The judges ruling infuriates me. Why doesn’t fw have to provide the snack ideas, and if he need the basics any parent should know before parenting, how is this a good decision.
Anyway, and I know she is fully engaged; but as bad as it is she has 7 years or less before the youngest is an adult. A lot can happen in that time. One thing, he could get tired of this and the kids will be with her most of the time anyway. Not fair financially, but still better than them being gone.
I’m with Susie Lee on this. A FW that disengaged from his kids will probably tire of using his custody time. He’ll maybe take them 50% of the time for a while out of spite, but when it gets in the way of his lifestyle, he’ll be seeing them less and less. Document everything so that later you can apply for sole custody based on the fact that he isn’t using his.
Kathleen, this court ruling sucks, but remember that if his history shows you anything, it’s that he won’t go the distance.
Oh yeah. When I got divorced my boys were 15 and 13. (All the girls were adults). The ex fought for custody but then didn’t take it. Kathleen, since your boys are 13 and 11, he may want to spend a little time with them. But the minute they start showing what they think of him, this “father of the year” will bail. Boys going through puberty can be difficult at the best of times and a new divorce is not the best of times. My experience with an uninvolved husband/father is that the children existed to feed his ego. The minute that stopped, he wanted nothing to do with them. My boys are in their 20s and their father is not in their lives.
They fight for custody just to screw the chump over. If they really wanted their kids they would not have risked losing them by cheating.
Yep- kids are possessions to these idiots.
I agree. He’s too selfish to make the sacrifices he’d have to make to be a half-time parent, because when he was with Kathleen, he let her do nearly all of it. When he’s had a taste of being a single dad for a while, I bet he’ll start mucking Kathleen and the kids about, then cancelling and eventually even just not bothering with the kids at all!
I strongly suspect that Kathleen knows that being the sane parent means “playing it long.” It’s about being there for your kids consistently and for the long-term. It’s about being there for them when they need you and whenever they need you, and it’s about telling them (age appropriately) what they need to know and not just what they want to hear.
Sometimes being the sane parent sucks, because you are the one that has to shut sh*t down and tell the kids “no,” but in time they’ll come to understand that you had their best interests (which is what matters) at heart. Far better that than being the “Disney Parent” that leaves all the difficult stuff to their Ex (cough cough, I’m looking at you Ex-Mrs LFTT).
And the Judge in Kathleen’s case is clearly an ar*e. She should be confident that when her Ex starts selling their kids short (and he will) they’ll see it for what it is …. while kids can be fragile at times – even adult aged kids – they are certainly not stupid.
LFTT
Ugh. The worry that custody will have to be shared 50/50 is what keeps a lot of people trapped in a bad marriage. They cringe at the thought of their FW having unsupervised time with the kids. And then you have an AP who may or may not have the kids’ best interest at heart. It’s an awful dilemma for a chump.
Kathleen has left and now has to deal with this shared-custody situation. It’s awful, but I suspect the kids will be fine. Kids are walking BS detectors. They KNOW who the sane/kind/ninja parent is, as is evidenced by the cute note. And FWs are an entitled, selfish lot. Not the best qualities for a caring/giving parent. I suspect he’ll burn out on the parent front.
Stay strong, Kathleen! 💪
Exactly this, sharing kids sucks specially when the father of the kids as in this case and also mine was totally absent…
FW is now saying that he only has the kids left… from what I found out schmoopie is still on the radar, separated now from her husband, moved out with her 2 young kids…
In my case I am waiting for him to be served the papers, lawyer is retrieved… and I am hesitating going back to my home country to regain some stability… but I know he will fight hard on this one… he is losing a candy – his children… there is no love, just need in his relationships. It is so sad… kids become just toys… they never really cared for them. They break the person who took care of their children with no consideration and now they pretend and feel entitled to a relationship with their kids when they are already at 13? This judge is just a waste of space, no empathy whatsoever…. in the end no care for the kids wellbeing.
While still married you can take the kids out of the country. Once divorced, you wont be able to. You should consult a lawyer about this, it gets contentious.
My son is a young adult, and mine by a previous relationship so I haven’t had to endure the torture of co-parenting and custody battles with STBXH, thanks be to God.
The note from your son is absolutely lovely Kathleen, and just goes to show that most kids are more than copped on to which parent really cares about them and can be relied on! God bless the young fella!
As for that judge, I’m disgusted with him and can hardly believe what he’s done, only for the fact my best mate and her son were stitched up like this , not by a judge but by CAFCASS in England when she left her abusive XH! I was gobsmacked at their callousness and utter dismissal of how abusive her X was, not just to her but their son! They just did not care! But that judge is nothing only a tosser! Judges have too much power and not enough accountability!
In
Klootzak is still living in my house. We are at least a month away from having a hearing on my motion for exclusive use of the home and primary custody. Per his therapist (don’t get me started), he was told that it would be harmful to tell DS8 we are divorcing until we know who is leaving and when and where. 🤦🏼♀️ My attorney filed motion for me to have primary custody, exclusive use of the home, etc. Hearing won’t be for at least another month.
Meanwhile, DS8 turns 9 next month. I messaged klootzak through TP to ask him what date he wants to celebrate DS8’s birthday with him. I’m going to the parallel parenting route so I am not picky about dates. DS8 and I can celebrate things we are together. So klootzak responded accusing me of putting my own wishes ahead of DS8 because I refuse to collaborate on one party with him. For context, he has NEVER helped plan any parties for DS8 so he really wants me to plan and pay for a party he gets to attend.
Most of DS8’s closest friends, the parents are my friends. Some of them have blocked klootzak’s phone number on account of his behavior. If klootzak hosts a party, I doubt they will go and take their kids. They don’t even want their kids here for a play date when klootzak is here. So I don’t know (or care) how klootzak’s party will roll out, but I am holding a separate event and holding my ground on it.
Klootzak alleges this will be “confusing” for DS8. Gee… and the fact he didn’t take DS8 to shop any Christmas presents for me was NOT confusing to DS8? 🙄 I received a small, hand made ornament DS8 made at school and his teacher wrapped for me. Klootzak thinks DS8 didn’t notice? He is a 🤡. My solution? We should have the talk with DS8 and be honest that we are divorcing. I’m holding my ground.
Did he not think that cheating would be confusing to DS8? wonder if it occur to him that destroying DS8’s family might be confusing? You should have an honest talk with your son that you’re divorcing and be sure to tell him why. Otherwise your ex will give him a distorted version blaming you.
He is so full of shit. Stick to your guns no matter what manipulative b.s. he trots out. He’s obviously a control freak and will say anything to get you to bend to his will. Good for you for holding the line.
He now says that it will only be practical for DS8’s friends to attend one event and “(He) will be attending that event. (My) desire for autonomy can be met in some other context.” Control freak much? 🫠
Oh hell no! Hire a security guard to keep him out. It doesn’t cost much just for a few hours. Show the guard a picture of FW and say don’t let this guy in the door. “Sorry Sir, you’re not on the guest list.” 😁
Just call up a security company. You could request the guard not be in uniform so as not to spook the guests.
Children’s intuition about these things even applies in healthy marriages! I think of how when I was growing up, yes, I was closer to my dad, and I felt like I could talk to him about a lot more things because we’re more alike – but there were still plenty of times that I could be in a possibly bad situation and I knew I could still go to my mom and ask, in not so many words, “Hey, am I worrying too much or is this actually kinda fucked up?” Every child-parent relationship is different!
It’s starting to happen; the boys feel safest with me. They tell me, you don’t yell at us like mom and her husband do, you actually listen. When they bring up any past memory, she shuts them down as it hurts her true loves feelings, and it makes him feel uncomfortable (he’s half the man I’ll ever be). He’s never had any children, so he doesn’t really know how to handle them or interact with them. They drop them off at practice for sports, but never stay, I do. Keep your head up and play the loooooong game.
You sound like an amazing father – it must be heartbreaking to know your kids spend so much time being yelled at. I’m so sorry! Being able to still talk about family memories is so important for the kids – AP is a pathetic excuse for a human. Keep playing that long game! Your kids will be better for it.
Thank you.
I stayed with FW until my middle child, my high-strung, highly sensitive daughter turned 18. I thought I could stick it out for my youngest, my 15 year old son. I could not. I filed for divorce. The conservative male judge took exception to the awfulness that was FW and I got a permanent protective order for me and my son, sole managing conservatorship and a 55-45 property split in our community property state. FW got a bench order for a psych eval, battering intervention program and anger management classes. Lost his guns, too.
Great, right? Well, Judge Pompous von Chauvinist ruled that despite the documented abuse, my son would be better off having a relationship with his father. So he ordered visitation 1st, 3rd and 5th Sundays from 12-4pm. FW wiped away crocodile tears and nodded solemnly, grateful for this chance at reunification.
Son, now 16, was furious. He was already being forced to go to therapy (where he folded his arms across his chest and sat in grim silence for 55 minutes, and $200 an hour). FW threatened Son that “I’ll send your mother to jail if you don’t get in the car!” So Son solved his problem like every angry teenager ever. He acted out so horribly (veering between swearing, yelling and ignoring) that FW dropped him like a hot potato.
I’m so sorry for your pain, Kathleen. I could do nothing but physically sit on the couch in the living room watching out the window for four hours, waiting for my son to come back. My one job! To protect my kids! I just didn’t expect it to be from their dad.
I will insert the obligatory “it’s been a few years and Son is doing great now” but really, it was a long road. Keep pouring your love into your boys, Kathleen. Model for them what true love looks like. We ninja parents rock.
Judge Pompous von Chauvinist in your story makes my blood boil!
Getting re-elected since 2006. Unfortunately.
I love what your son did to escape FW’s clutches.
Maybe FW shouldn’t have brought along Horrible Grandma, lol.
Man, did I get some nasty emails on OFW.
Jedi hugs, Kathleen. All so frustrating and stressful. What a clueless judge!
When you are stressed and feeling down– hold on to the gift/note from your son!
He son sounds like mine.
Background: my then H left home for a year for training for a new career, which I fully supported. That year was so stressful, as I tried to not disrupt the lives of the kids, kept them in sports, etc. (Of course, H was carrying on with a married co-worker, and she is now the OWife, but that’s another story).
Fast forward a year– Ex is back and “around,” we are divorced, and he is moving away to be with now pregnant OWife. One day I took elder child to swim lessons or soccer (cannot recall), and my 9yo was home alone for the few minutes for the drop-off. When I got home, he had made me a salad (lettuce and grapes) and wrote a note saying it was in thanks for all that I do for him.
Still makes me tear up when it pops up on FB memories. That 9yo is now a junior in college, and comes home on weekends to help me around the house.
Hang in there!
My story is a long one. My oldest has high fuctioning autism and my youngest had 8 deadly food allergies growing up. I bartended at night to keep me around during the day for the mountains of interventions, school issues, and cooking for the food allergic. He worked alot. Cheated alot. You get the picture. My oldest struggled mightily with mental heath from the time he was 14. In retrospect, it was his absent horribly nasty Dad. When our son was in his 7th inpatient stay my husband looked to me. Told me how gross I was and how he wanted to have an “open marriage” and he was polyamorous. I decided that day – Labor Day I was leaving. I got my kid out of the hospital off all meds as he was diagnosed bipolar but the meds made him worse. (his bipolar diagnosis has been removed from his chart now for about 6 years) by Jan my ex was telling the kids I was trying to poison him and I left QUICKLY. The day I left I had secured an apt to move into in 2 days. I said to the kids the day I was leaving. “You can come with me or stay here your choice” and they both jumped in the car. 5 weeks later the world shut down. My ex barely saw them in the time of the pandemic. My son still struggled but it took him almost dying in an accident where a car hit his bike and 3 rounds of family based therapy teams, rehab for him, sober coaches to get it together. I can say my son graduated from high school and actually went to state champs in his sport his senior year. After THREE reconstructive surgeries. He is working now to get into the navy as they now take high fuctioning autistic people. Who stood by this kid… ME. I went to every surgery alone with him, I participated in every therapy session, I drove him to rehab. I went to EVERY sporting event his senior year. He is doing FANTASTIC. Working full time at 20. Owns his own car and pays his own insurance. For Christmas his Dad said he would give him some money for his car insurance and then turned around and said I can’t after bragging how he is now paying online Dr’s for Ozempic. I went out and did food delivery all weekend to help my son. My younger son is going through his first breakup and where does he look. To me. I have hugged that sobbing boy more this month than I have in years. I don’t date as they are almost out of the house. But I show up EVERY SINGLE F’ING DAY. My sons are in a good place because I fought for them when they couldn’t fight themselves. OFTEN my kids lament the lack of a second parent. Often my oldest says to me… Mom you are the BEST but a boy NEEDS a Dad and it’s going to take years to get over this. He is RIGHT.Luckily my ex really does not deal with having them although he bought at huge house for his “visitation” close to where I live. Instead we are at my apt. Still a family…
👏
It seems I can’t submit the picture of a hand-written note I received from my son a few years ago here, so I’ll type it out. He was 20 years old when he wrote this, and his dad and I were separated. I’m pretty sure his dad never received something like this from our son. Kids DO know. A poem:
Ever faithful, ever kind
The thought of you, for long, does not escape my mind
Through work you do and words you share
You never fail to show your care
Through all my life and all my days
You’ve never ceased to amaze
With every rotation of the earth around the sun
I’m reminded that I’m happy to be your son
[Crying emoji] Keep being the show-up parent, no matter what, Chump Nation!
Priceless.
I have to redo my eyeliner because it’s running down my face.
That is so touching.
Considering the disproportionate rates of domestic batterers in certain legal and helping professions (abusers apparently love to mask themselves as heroes and wield power over the powerless), my guess is the judge in this case is hell on wheels at home in some way. If so, here’s hoping he gets exposed and thrown off the bench like the abusive father of a former teen client of a DV survivor service I worked with. She said she didn’t think abusers should have the power to make rulings over other people’s families, suggesting her dad would always come down on the side of fellow abusers.
All that time he spent with the grimy grifting parasitic side pieces, when he could have chosen to spend that time with you all as a family or with his children, and DIDN’T, and AFTER he blows it up he wants to show up?
I am too angry to think or write more at this time.
That fukken judge’s audacity to ASSIGN this amazing mother more labor mothering the FW??!!! This is ordering involuntary servitude. Unconstitutional. No father would ever be ordered to do this type of labor that screws themselves out of custodial time. I can’t tell you how outrageous this is.
By the way, for those not following the latest news on cheaters TJ Holmes and Amy Robach (who have turned betrayal into their brand), this week he announced that he can easily “go through 18 drinks a day.” He said he’s often “two drinks in” by 10 am.
This will end well. 🙄
whoa!
Oh, big surprise, She napped herself a drunk.
This is shocking yet somehow not surprising. I’m amazed cheaters survive as long as they do, given their extreme dysfunction.
Oh boy, looks like they’re having a real normal one. Ugh, and these people were on TV why?
Maybe I’ll write about this Monday. People keep sending the articles to me.
I can’t resist… Suggested Snack List:
Roasted Fingerling Potatoes and Pressed Caviar Canapés
Fried Baby Squid Tapas
Tod Mun Goong (Spicy Thai Shrimp Cakes)
Rocky Mountain Oysters
Grilled Peaches on Prosciutto Wrapped Endive
Salmon Florentine Puff Pastries
Baked Oysters with Bacon Greens and Parmesan
Pear-and-Brie Puff Pastry Tarts
(Hey, you followed court’s orders by providing snack suggestions… the judge didn’t specify it being a reasonable list…)
Tiramisu with hand-made ladyfingers.
If you stipulate organic and take out most the carbs and any gluten, dairy (accept goat, sheep, camel or certified parm from Italian red cows), soy, nuts, nightshades, etc., this is pretty much the medical diet of my severely allergic kids which– to avoid fallout from even a micron of allergens– must be prepared from scratch and requires about 23 hours kitchen prep per week. Had any sexist judge given me the same order that Ninja received they would have soon realized it was a severe punishment for FW. 😀
Oh, but that would have been funny, though! Unless, of course, FW didn’t follow along – then it would be terrifying. We have a lot of kids in my workplace with severe allergies, and I swear, there’s more of them each year! Hope your kiddos are doing well.
👏
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Meal Plan that FW will Follow:
McDonald’s
Pizza Hut
Taco Bell
Any Gas Station Snack Aisle
Chili’s (but only if the boys agree to split an entree in advance and no beverages, just water to drink.)
I logged in to love this list! And give a big F.U. to the chauvinist judge who probably is a FW & did the same shit to an ex-wife & kids.
I love this so much.
Back in the mists of time when Facebook and this wonderful page were yet to come, I busted the father of my young children cheating- yet again.
He promised his old/new trade in the full Monty, including kids.
Somewhere along the line he changed his mind and thought she could be the new mother of ours.
I was completely out of my depth- he’s a cop and took full advantage of his position to threaten me with all sorts- I definitely didn’t lawyer up and naively believed he’d never do anything like he did.
Ha! Wrong! Don’t do this!
I lived apart from my kids for a lot of their later childhood apart from time with my oldest who was too like me for his father to cope with.
Eventually they saw it for what it was and he hasn’t gained anything in the end.
My oldest gets married in a few months and I’m making a speech.
I’m sorely tempted, but I’ll behave myself! 😆
Something that may seem small that brings me comfort is that my 9 year old son tells me that where we live is his home – compared to Uncle Daddy who sees him every couple of weeks in his apartment with the OW. The fact that he has a safe space with me despite the fact that we still are getting on our feet with family means a lot.
Dear ninja! Way to rock mighty! How strong u r!!! Let me just say that my #1 cheater demanded more time and them got so busy with his career( and your X wants to be a commercial pilot?)and his schmoozing….that soon every other weekend was.all he could manage.i worked every other weekend so it was a good mix. If your cheater didn’t fight for custody originally then this may be impression management and he’ll forget all his paternal rights when the battle dies down. Wait and see. Keep those records and let it go. Your boys are getting older and soon they and their activities will decide.
Best wishes for that lovely art work you can look at when you are 100!!
FW’s dont care about spending time with kids and parenting. Its about money. They try and get 100% custody not because they care. Its financial. They threaten us to take the kids away to scare us, so we will accept less. Oldest trick in the book. Eventually they tire of childcare, or they have AP parent the kids and/ or throw them in with AP kids.
They dont care about kids.
The kids figure it out and at some point the kids are older teens and the courts take their preference into account. Like the kid may be 16 and have afterschool sports or a job that ends late. Its too disruptive for them to travel to visit FW.
If you dont comply with judges orders, FW will try and do the parental alienation thing. They want ultimate control. Everyone to bow down to them and cater to them. BS psychologist visits. Better to play nice till kids are 18. Just another shit sandwich for us to eat.
My efforts at grey-rock have been herculean at times. The AP in my case has decided that the “validation” she got from “stealing” my FW is insufficient — she now wants my kids, too.
FW works a lot. Always has. Despite having apparently driven AP to storm out of the house with their baby over his non-participation in parenting (volunteered by elder-beast — I didn’t ask), he continues to insist that he wants 50/50 custody, and they basically spend no real time one on one with my children. They always come back with stories about this party or that party with OW’s family, and they’re happy to show up at anything with an audience (winter concerts, etc)
I’d like them both to fuck off. Maybe after AP has her second baby with FW in 2 years (DDay Sept 2022, baby 1 May 2023, baby 2 due June 2024), she’ll have enough attention to satisfy her thirst for centrality. Fingers crossed. Keep ninja-momming, Kathleen! You’re amazing!
I hope the OW’s family at least treats your kids well. While I’m sure it can feel absolutely devastating that THAT particular woman gets to play happy family with your kids, it’s much better that they have a good time than not. Maybe FW and AP wouldn’t make good one-on-one caretakers… even if the kids really want one-on-one time with their dad right now, as most kids do. Big hugs, if you’d like them! Keep rocking that gray rock!
After second baby, AP will be waaaaay too busy to have your kids around and take care of them. FW will most likely insist on your kids going over there still, because of his control issues. Hopefully, your kids will start to fade away from his psyche as they all get too busy. Teens want to hang with friends, and FW will have 2 new kids and work. Make sure FW doesnt make your kids their free babysitter.
I miss the good old days when dads abandoned the family. They would disappear. Nowadays, that doesnt seem to happen. Why is that? Is it impression management? Society looks down on it? Is it because you can find people because of social media?
Child support goes down when they get 50/50. And social media, where they can do PR for their awesomeness with the kids as props.
Pretty sure it’s impression management. Honestly, this is probably why he’s sort of halfassed his “fight” for the kids — he doesn’t actually want them half the time, he just wants to be able to tell people that his terrible bitch of an ex keeps his children from him.
Is the AP hoping for eventual free babysitting duties from your kids?
I couldn’t say — I think right now she just wants legitimacy as their parent because… I don’t know. She’s delusional and feels the need to be the center of everyone’s universe. I don’t think she actually wants the reality of full-time parenting my girls on top of her own babies. She’d be waiting awhile for babysitting — my girls are 5 and 7. lol
She did decide to quit her job the second she got knocked up, though, so I’m guessing money’s pretty tight for them and he’d like to not have to pay any child support.
OW wants legitimacy for her & FW’s relationship. Your kids are useful to have around to help with that. FW is such an idiot, he’ll be feeling trapped & unhappy soon enough. Cue the next affair…
I’ll pass on the advice I was given by an attorney friend: if you can put the funds together, hire a PI to dig up as much dirt on Schmoops and FW as possible in case it comes in handy during custody negotiations. To quote my friend, cheaters and side pieces (she used ruder terms) tend not to “pass the white glove test.”
Yikes, how right she was. The AP looked pretty bad under a microscope, which I admit was gratifying. But muckraking wasn’t just gratuitous in my situation since one of my kids was still struggling with a chronic medical condition and related LD at the time. My friend is a disability rights attorney and national advocate who’d apparently seen more than a few cases involving special needs kids where aspiring Owives would campaign for FWs to take full custody then ditch the disabled kids in institutions on state waivers. That put the fear of God in me and I followed her advice.
What the PI dredged up was embarrassing enough that FW dumped the AP posthaste. It had been a workplace affair and I think he sensed the association would damage his professional reputation. But even if he’d continued the situationship, it could have affected visitation and there was a chance the AP could have been barred from contact with my kids.
There are no guarantees and some family courts do nothing even if an AP/Owife is a crack-addicted felon. But at least the “dirt” pushed the risk onto FW’s side.
I strongly advise everyone who can possibly afford it to use PIs. Not only do they give YOU the info you need to go to divorce, they can assist in the divorce itself with evidence and possibly be witnesses, and they can get dirt on these assholes that you or I couldn’t. Plus, they also serve without personal bias because their only involvement is to get evidence, they don’t have emotional investment in the outcome. Everyone I know who has used PIs always says it was worthwhile. But again….comes down to money. This is a case where I’d borrow to do it, I think it could be that worthwhile. They can be your touchstone with reality when you are drowning in a sea of lies.
This is a prime example of those in a position to protect not doing so, but it is so heartwarming to read Kathleen’s son’s note and other instances of children’s gratitude and love for their sane parent. My thought here was to use technology to Kathleen’s advantage, and post the lists and information somewhere online (I don’t know about Our Family Wizard or other apps) so that when FW inevitably ‘loses’ them/accidently deletes the emails’, Kathleen doesn’t get caught up in the drama/power play for her requirement to provide court mandated information (eyeroll) and simply text: ‘refer to the lists online’.
Smart idea – CYOA in every way you can, Ninja Mom!
I would also be tempted to lay all the different meals (and snacks if they are packaged) out on the bench and take a photo, but unfortunately I am betting that would not be good enough. Is the judge expecting recipes AS WELL? Perhaps you could ask your children their favourites that are fiddly/take a bit of preparation and include those, putting the AP to work a little bit, if there is one – win/win?
Or just completely take the mickey and do an instruction manual complete with step by step instructions and pictures on how to complete basic meal preparation tasks -for example, go to fridge (photo of fridge), open fridge (photo of fridge being opened), look in fridge (photo looking in fridge), and so on.
Could be a fun project.
Yes, I thought about this too, make a sarcastic, highly detailed binder that broke everything down like FW was an idiot. I think key to this ploy is to show no emotion or annoyance at being made to comply by the judge and act like you are sincerely trying to help, as this would probably infuriate FW, who is hoping to see Ninja Mom resentful and ruffled.
Fabulously snarky!
These posts today are really making me cry! So sweet and touching.
Kids are so awesome! They absolutely KNOW who loves them unconditionally and it will never be the cheaters.
I often go back to the line my ex said on his departure to go live with his mistress. “ I don’t want to take care of anyone anymore”. 🤯
Funny how a stable, sane parent would never dream of making a statement like that.
Love is what makes you do anything for your family. Love is something FW’s are just not capable of fully feeling I truly believe.
There is way the hell too much giving in love, they don’t have that kind of time in their convoluted chaotic, erratic lives.
They are the takers of this world, not the givers. They can’t even understand that.
To all you ninja chumps roaming around out there, you got this!
And your kids fully know you do, and with safety and love to lean on, they will find their way and they wil eventually learn to dump whatever doesn’t serve that goodness they seek, behind.
Because they are not disordered like their rogue absentee parent.
Hold the line mama ninja and all other ninja chumps out there just getting it done day in and out. It’s not an easy job to do it right.
For my 60th birthday, my then early 20’s (three kids) wrote a very long 10 foot scroll that was titled “ 60 things we love about mom”.
It was written about a year before the final DDay. ( I had other D days, but still was heavily addicted to hopium).
I look at that scroll from time to time and it always deeply touches my heart.
My spouse never took the time to get me, but my kids KNEW who I was and flourished in the daily love that we shared.
Here are a few things from that scroll. ( will spare you all 60, lol, but I’m trying to underline a point)
Here goes:
She is the patron saint of empathy.
She kept me playing the piano.
She comes to all my concerts.
She quit being a nurse to be our full time mom.
She survived breast cancer. Twice.
She made us plane kits.
She read to us every night when we were children.
Shopping for apartment items was so fun with her.
She used to wrap us in warm laundry.
Irish soda bread, lemon poppyseed muffins.
She has the most rewarding genuine laugh.
She cried after my Lake Braddock loss, because she wanted it as bad as I did.
Easter egg hunts.
She randomly sends me interesting article clippings.
She gets my sense of humor, we laugh at the dumbest things until I almost black out.
I love hearing Wurdle noises from her bedroom at night.
She went with me to Williamsburg, the worst field trip of all time. ( the weather was horrifically bad and they would not allow anyone back on the buses all day, lol)
When Patrick ( a neighbor) locked me out of his party in Texas, she brought me out a new set of legos to play with.
She made us breakfast every morning of high school, “ How many cinnamon waffles?!”
The point I want to stress is that kids notice even the small daily things we do for them. They know when you show up and it locks in their memories. They know real!
And they also know who doesn’t have time for them and is always more interested in something else, always distracted.
Even if we don’t hear it often from them, it does matter greatly to them and they will remember and truly always know who had their backs. Their BS meters are highly advanced.
Play the long game chumps, it’s the one that counts. The one that raises loving kids to send out into this world.
The disordered don’t have much to contribute to that. It’s on us to make it happen and it’s a huge responsibility.
We just have no choice but to remain solid and strong.
Good thing it’s already who we are!!!💪🏼❤️
Great post! As for: ” I often go back to the line my ex said on his departure to go live with his mistress. “ I don’t want to take care of anyone anymore”. ” I wonder what that’s gonna be like when his mistress starts to agree and stops circling around him like he’s the Sun.
Wonderful!
What a beautiful testimony.
Thanks, it, appreciate it very much, it just validated for me so many things I wanted to pass on to my kids. They get it! ❤️👍🔥
That’s wonderful. So sweet!
Okay, the letter is sweet. That’s undeniable. And it SUCKS that they’re giving 50/50 when the kids clearly aren’t comfortable with that split.
But I’m baffled. What kind of father needs snack ideas? It’s not hard to feed kids! Where is the confusion coming from? Why do YOU need to provide the list, Kickass Ninja Mom? I’m just at a loss with these instructions.
Also, it’s not uncommon for split households to have separate routines. Mine did, growing up, and that was okay. Yes, it’s not the ideal single family unit consistency, but that’s already been blown up! FW Daddy can figure out what routine works best for his household!
I don’t mean to take away from the genuine wonderfulness of the note. I just can’t get over these demands. I’m so sorry, Awesome McMomNinja. That’s just salt on the wound. But your kids love and believe in you. Hold on to that.
Yeah, I think most people understand cookies, fruits, veggies and the occasional bag of potato chips or pretzels. It’s not hard to feed kids, esp snacks. This is all about making it as easy as possible for the FWs to maintain an image of “normalcy” while fucking over the Chumps at every turn.
Exactly. I didn’t need to have any experience in childcare to know what makes for good snacks. Fun fact, for those who don’t know: there’s huge crossover with what adults like!
It really does seem like these decisions are only made to complicate the chump’s life.
Plus, at the age of 11 and 13, kids CAN TELL THEIR OWN FATHER what snacks they would like to eat! Seriously, interact with your own kids instead of burdening your chump!
Yeah, like… why not just ask thr kids? Maybe he doesn’t trust them? The whole situation is baffling to me.
I think the whole object of the exercise comes into focus if viewed through the lens of a power play. The FW gets his jollies from using the law to force Ninja Mom to spend her time and energy catering to him, it really isn’t about the children’s wellbeing, it’s about continuing to exert power and control over his ex now that she’s moving out of his orbit. My ex did this in meetings with our child’s school. He asked them for parenting advice to help him care for our child, as though I had been withholding information from him and not discussing care arrangements and strategies for dealing with situations. Thankfully school recognised his behaviour for what it was and remained neutral.
I’m so sorry about your ex – that must have felt humiliating. I’m glad your school recognized the behavior for what it is, though!
And yes, that would make more sense. But the judge going along with it… ugh. I hope Ninja Mom and the kiddos are holding on okay!
Thanks CDC, it was just a little strange as we usually had full and frank discussions and then he pulled this out of the bag in public. It took me a while to get my head around what was happening, but it just re-reminded me of his disingenuous nature.
Yes, I hope that despite the FWs attempts to revictimize Ninja Mom and her kids, they manage to get through this and back to grey rock.
Honestly, family court is a joke. I never had to get custody of children, but I had a taste of it when my father got sued by his siblings over guardianship of their mother.
These people abandoned their mother years earlier but turned back up when they heard there was money. They robbed her house, broke into her bank accounts, and started stalking her.
We had so much evidence: police reports, eyewitnesses, screenshots, reports from the bank’s fraud department (who was very upset). We had recordings of my aunt screaming at my grandmother until she cried, and documentation showing my aunt was changing the dosages on her medications without a doctor’s authorization.
The judge didn’t care, even when my aunt and uncle got caught in lie after lie.
That sounds terrifying! I’m so sorry for you, your dad, and your grandmother. The medicine changing… that’s disgusting. Big hugs, if you want them.
Doesn’t know how to feed his own kids yet somehow qualified to raise them? How do judges like this get their jobs?
Patronage. They’re all crooks. Most politicians are, on both sides of the aisle. That includes judges.
So I’m thinking the judge has to be a man who has his own wife appliance at home to do all the child rearing and feeding.
When I went through this many years ago (and my ex was an attorney so the divorce took forever and was very expensive), my sons were 16 and 12. The 16-year-old was allowed to make his own decisions about seeing his father. The 12-year-old was appointed a Guardian ad litem to represent his interests. The judge ruled that the 12-year-old had to go with ex for visitation, and his older brother went with him so he wouldn’t be alone. The kids were quite angry and made every visitation difficult. The ex quickly lost interest and went back to being an uninvolved parent as he had been most of their lives, only concerned with himself and his skanks.
My ‘kids’ are all in their 30s so for me, the sane parent wins are my kids acknowledging to me that my story is real, because eX tells them and everyone in town, that I’m making it all up because I have “unresolved mental health issues”.
eX denies the facts of his treacherous and flagitious behavior and tells everyone that I’m literally not sane. He says that I probably did this impressive computer hackery stunt, in order to create a reason to leave the marriage.
But my kids know I am in fact sane. And they know their Boomer mom is in the dark ages with tech stuff. They all know that it is technically not possible to put a decade of conversations between someone else and real prostitutes on someone else’s iphone.
In my case, “sane parent” is not about being the show up parent who does the hard domestic & hands on work of parenting minors (which is extremely important and the point of the phrase here on CL) but disturbingly, it is about which parent is….. literally sane or not.
I’ve been saying for some time that we have to change how the legal system regards adultery in divorce – which is the abuse and abandonment of a spouse and children. Note, I do not specify gender. We need to go back to AT FAULT divorce for adultery (and probably other types of ABUSE) with an end result that the adulterous, abandoning partner gets NO PART OF THE MARRIAGE SETTLEMENT – only what they brought INTO the marriage and NO CUSTODY of the children at all. Perhaps couples could come to their own personal agreements but that should be the law. Abandoned spouses should NOT have to share their children with adulterers and their accomplices, nor should children be forced to visit or stay with an adulterous and abusive parent. ADULTERY = ABUSE. This needs to become a movement.