The Day of the Deadbeat

deadbeatBy request, today’s “fun” Friday challenge is to share your deadbeat ex stories. #dayofthedeadbeat

Unfortunately, infidelity tends to go with other sorts of shitty behavior like fiddling the books and stealing funds or failing to pay bills. Hey, kibbles don’t come free you know! And when you’re a super, special person who deserves more, what’s the harm? You’ve got a chump to do all those adult-ing things!

I predict a lot of long rants today. There’s nothing “fun” about enforcing child support. Ask me how I know. And WTF with those Soviet waiting rooms with the grim fluorescent lights and one collapsed vinyl sofa? And don’t even START me on the automated phone hell… WHY DON’T YOU PEOPLE ANSWER YOUR PHONES?! It is a DISGRACE the way the system makes custodial parents go hat in hand to BEG for monies they have a COURT ORDER to collect! Oh, here’s an idea — instead of vulnerable children getting on public services — why don’t you fucking ENFORCE the goddamn ORDER? JAIL THE DEADBEATS. Woe! Then they can’t pay! GUESS WHAT? THEY AREN’T PAYING NOW. Woe! It’s expensive to jail deadbeats. YOU KNOW WHAT IS CHEAPER? FUNDING YOUR GODDAMN CHILD SUPPORT ENFORCEMENT OFFICE. But, but! Then they’ll enforce all those orders and we’ll have to jail deadbeats. Splendid!!! Send them to debtor’s prison for all I care! But I predict if you morons ACTUALLY ENFORCED THIS SHIT they would pay something rather than sleep next to Bruno in a jail cell. Call me a crazy idealist.

See? Rant. This subject makes me feel rather stabby.

I’m out from under the court-enforced co-parenting with a deadbeat fuckwit lifestyle now (but still have an open case with child support enforcement for thousands!) Mostly, I’m meh about it. But man, it’s one tough shit sandwich to choke down.

Vent away, folks. Just remember to be kind and include paragraph breaks.

TGIF!

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Lulu
Lulu
7 years ago

When I met my now ex, I was finishing my master’s program; he had never finished college (and this is seriously no offense to those who haven’t) and was working a menial job. He proposed to me after I graduated and got my first job. When I told my uncle the good news, he snarkily said: “Sure he wants to marry you now… He wants your medical benefits!”

As you can imagine, I was livid. I was convinced that his poor circumstances were due to the fact his parents weren’t supportive of their children being educated and that he hadn’t found his passion. He assured me that, with me as his champion, he would do all sorts of great things.

As the years went on, it became apparent that my uncle was right. Not only did he never finish school, he never pursued a skilled trade or any kind of job training, and when friends and family offered to help him get a better job with benefits, he found excuses why the job was wrong or put off preparing a resume until the open positions had been filled.

And the icing on the cake? After I got my first raise and promotion, he actually CUT HIS HOURS at the lousy job he had (where he worked with OW #1, mind you)!!! He said he wanted to help out more around the house since I was working more, but in actuality, he was hitting the gym, hanging out with friends, and probably OW(s). I want to go back in time to kick my own ass for what I allowed myself to believe.

Thank the gods we never had kids or I probably would’ve been stucked paying him spousal support. And the reason we didn’t have kids was that he refused to go to a doctor and get checked out after the doctor told me that I was very fertile. At the time, I thought he was just anxious about being a Dad, or maybe he felt like a baby would trap him in the marriage after he checked out.

Both of those might still be true but I think the primary reason was that he knew if we had a baby he could no longer BE the baby.

chumpedpreggo
chumpedpreggo
7 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

Lulu, I swear we ended up with the same man. Except that now I am carrying his child. When I got pregnant, I asked him if he was going to get a second job. But nope. He said that if he did, then I really wouldn’t see him. I guess his two nights per week job was good enough. Plus he also had all these other mystery things to do that kept him busy 5 days a week.

Mind you, I was working hard. Really hard. I mean, I had 30 hour calls in the hospital every 4 days and worked the days in between my call. And first trimester fatigue is no joke, especially when you don’t sleep a couple days a week. One day I got home from work and fell asleep right away. He came home at night and found me still on the couch; I didn’t do the laundry, dishes or make dinner that day. He called me lazy. Lazy! I started bawling and just chalked the tears up to pregnancy hormones.

Lulu
Lulu
7 years ago
Reply to  chumpedpreggo

Damn I think it really is the same guy!!!

He called me a slob at me for leaving a dirty sock on the floor… ONE dirty sock! And this was AFTER he so generously cut his hours so he would have more time to “help” me.

Just further goes to show that the selfishness of cheaters goes beyond cheating.

Chumpedpreggo, don’t you dare lose any sleep over your decision or allow him to guilt you. As difficult as it might be to be a single Mom to an infant, it would be TWICE as hard to be a single mother to an infant and an adult child, which is what your ex is.

As for growing up without a male role model, better to be surrounded by strong women of character than a lame man-baby like him. But you know what? Eventually your child might actually have a father figure in his life… a GOOD man that you’ve given yourself the opportunity to meet because you didn’t sink anymore good years into this loser.

You got this, trust me!

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  chumpedpreggo

Chumpedpreggo-
It is so bad. I am sorry. I don’t know how to make it better with words. 🙁
Have you gotten away from this monster?

chumpedpreggo
chumpedpreggo
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Sylvia,

I did. I left him soon after I found out about his long term affair. I wasn’t even planning on doing so, but my sister flew down to support me. She came the day after I told her. When she showed up the first thing out of her mouth was, “I’m going to do everything I can to convince you to come back home.” Then my mom came and said she wasn’t leaving unless I was going with her. My mom came with me to meet with a lawyer, and my lawyer said I was in a great position to leave. In fact, he said I needed to leave before the baby is born so that I can establish a new life for myself around my support system. I left with just two suitcases though. I still have to go back, get the rest of my things, and then tackle custody issues and all.

Despite all that, he keeps telling me everyday that I abandoned him. That me leaving is much worse than what he did to me. That he was supposed to be my support system. That I’m turning his child into another statistic. That I’m preventing him from being a part of his child’s life (I’m not. He just has to hop on a plane but he’s used to me or his other girlfriend buying him plane tickets). That his son is now going to be raised by only women (me, my mom and my sister) and have no male influence. I have a brother and brother-in-law, but he doesn’t think they’re good enough. That I’m making it hard for his family to get to know his child. That he wanted to be there for the pregnancy and I’m taking this away from him (but he’s the one who chose to miss the only ultrasound because he wanted to see his ex-girlfriend). I do my best at no contact. But then I want to tell him about some milestone with the pregnancy and his only response is “and I’m not there for it.” He can make me feel guilty for leaving, even though I know deep down I’m doing the right thing.

I just can’t believe this is now my life. It’s hard and it sucks.

NeverLegallymarried
NeverLegallymarried
7 years ago
Reply to  chumpedpreggo

Chumpedpreggo my heart goes out to you. I was in a similar situation when my daughter was born 17 months ago. She was planned and I could tell when I finally got pregnant he really didn’t want her. A week before she was born he told me after she was born that he was leaving me. I said why wait. After she was born he started terrorizing me…a brand new mom to a newborn who had a very rough recovery from a c-section birth. He was screaming at me daily. Did not want anyone at our house so he made them feel unwanted. Would not allow me to get childcare. I was bringing baby to work with me (I am self employed). When it finally came out that he cheated. Singular, ya right. He would not get the f**k out of my house. I completely supported him financially. And blamed his temper tantrums on his ms (and blamed the ms for his cheating..lol). He threw his cellphones a lot. I have a hole in my door, gouges out of my walls, ect.
After I finally got him out the mindfuckery did not end. Poor baby missed his baby all the time and he would stop over any time he felt like it. I partially wised up and set a schedule. He still pushed my boundaries.
He pulled a couple of psychotic wtf events and I finally pulled no contact. I’ll keep them short. He was at my hse with our baby daughter basically called me up and described how he was going to call the cops and tell them when he got there she was there alone so she would be taken from me and that he would take me down brick by brick. 2nd was he showed up to my house 10 months after he finally moved out while I was at work and the nanny was there with a bag of clothes and told her he was home for good and he got a lawyer so I couldn’t kick him out. He started doing laundry and told her it was going to get uncomfortable for her because when I got home we were gonna start yelling. And he was planting his shit through my house. I called the cops before I headed home, they were packing him up as I pulled up.
Get away from this fuckwit as much as you can. The mindfuckery never stops. I put up with it for far too long and I found this site pretty soon after dday. I wanted to believe he would be a good dad and was supplementing for him so my daughter had her dad.
Important things I learned
Keep notes. It’s hard esp with a new baby but you will reap the rewards in time. I typed on my phone while baby was nursing
Sounds like you have contacted a lawyer. I found out in my state MN, since we were never married I have full legal custody as the mother and he has the option to petition the court for custody and parenting time. I got the statute number from my lawyer and have 5 copies of this in my house just incase cops show up he can’t take her. Lawyer said cops don’t always know/follow this law that’s why I printed it out
Since I found this out I decided let him file for custody if he wants it. He knows the law and since he’s a man child he will not do this.
If you are going to breast feed do it for as long as you can. If you are going to go to court for custody his visits will be short since you have to feed baby.
If you are afraid or he is harassing you you can get an order for protection or harassment. I did not know the rules and should have gotten the OFP when it would have been easier when he was throwing stuff all the time.
Don’t let him sign the birth certificate. Or even be at the birth if you don’t want him there.

You owe this guy nothing. If he wants in, he can prove he’s worthy with his actions.

Motherhood as a new mom was so much easier when I just had my precious, sweet, peaceful baby to love up on. You can do this mama. You will eventually realize your own strength and sounds like you have some loving family to help. Hugs.

chumpedpreggo
chumpedpreggo
7 years ago

Neverlegallymarried, I’m sorry for all that you went through with your ex. He sounds terrible. But it seems like you’re on the right track. Thank you for all the advice. I’ve already invited him to the birth, but I don’t know if he will show up. We’ll see what happens.

Since your ex hasn’t petitioned for paternal rights, do you get child support from him?

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  chumpedpreggo

Sorry for your pain, Chumpedpreggo. I’m so glad your sister and mother are there for you.

It’s interesting that your cheating man-child accuses you of abandoning him. I read a blog by a psychologist who argued that only children can be abandoned. Adults can only be “left.” Leaving your cheater was a sane and healthy decision on your part. I’d say your cheater has never grown up and has a boatload of FOO issues that he’s projecting onto you. It’s hard, but be glad that you only have your baby to parent. No one needs a grown-ass man who can’t be an adult who insists you do all the responsible work in the relationship. Just because he’s of the male gender, don’t ever let him convince you that he would provide a healthy manly influence in your child’s life. Read the stories of the amazing male chumps on this site, and you will see what strong masculine parenting should look like.

Sending hugs. Stay strong. Keep coming to chump nation and reading.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  chumpedpreggo

Stop talking to him! It’s normal to want to share pregnancy milestone with the baby’s father. But you are doing yourself no good. Stop contacting him for, let’s say, 2 weeks. 14 days. See if you feel better. Send your mom back with your brother to pack for you. If you are living in a new location, make that your home and file for support and full legal custody there. I’m going to tell you what you already know: if you stop propping him up, he will do none of what needs to be done to take an active role in the baby’s life. You’ve got an amazing support system. Put your love and attention on yourself, your baby and your family.

If he’s serious about being a father, FIRST he needs to clean up his act. There’s nothing stopping him from looking for a job in your area and then moving. Look at his actions and stop listening to his words. And leave some space to see if he does act in a way that says he’s going to be a better dad than he was a partner to you. Your mother and sister have already figured out the answer to that question, but of course it will take you longer to get past your emotional connection to him in order to see him clearly.

chumpedpreggo
chumpedpreggo
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Ok. I can start with 14 days. I don’t initiate conversation, but I will stop responding to his messages. I just know that once I stop I will most likely be disappointed in him again. In those two weeks, I will have a major exam for my career, my birthday, and a good time for him to visit if he actually does love me like says he does. But if I don’t remind him, I’m afraid nothing’s going to come of it. Not even a “good luck” for the test. And then I’ll be faced again with the soul-crushing realization that I really don’t matter much to him.

Kbchump
Kbchump
7 years ago
Reply to  chumpedpreggo

Believe me when they truly leave you alone you start to heal at a good clip. It’s the “checking in” bullshit that kept me stuck for over 8 months. When I finally told her “friends” isn’t going to work and to leave me alone is when I was able to let go

chumpedpreggo
chumpedpreggo
7 years ago
Reply to  chumpedpreggo

I guess if he really does nothing, like not even acknowledge my birthday then it will be more proof that he sucks.

Anonymous
Anonymous
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

This is really good advice. Please listen to the advice here and stay strong.
Let us know what happens and draw on the support of CN. Good luck.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

Lulu, you are so lucky you had your uncle to warn you! What a great man your uncle is. He knew the type of man you were getting involved with. I wish I had someone like that warm me. You were very fortunate.

chump-tastic
chump-tastic
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Ooh yeah, great point. It’s so good to have close people who will pick up on something you’re not and warn you, and we have to cherish that. I’m probably like lots of others here though, where my cheater was suuuuper sparkly and doing all the right things at first. My very critical family loved him. Of course, once we were married and our little family strained under the weight of his expensive vanity projects, luxuries, etc. while not working and fully ignoring our child, my family apparently noticed I was holding everything together alone and talked amongst themselves about it. But they were afraid to draw animosity by saying anything. By that point I would have wept with joy at someone at least acknowledging my struggle, and curled up in their arms. Haha. But, live and learn. Now I’m HYPER attuned to any red flags and probably even blow little things out of proportion, because of that trauma. If only we had that experience and extreme level of caution when we were young!

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  chump-tastic

“and talked amongst themselves about it. But they were afraid to draw animosity by saying anything.”

This is the part that really gets me. People who supposedly care about you, talk to anyone about the glaring red flags, but to me! Honestly, if I cared about someone, I would do the right thing and absolutely tell them. And if they get upset with me, then so be it! But I’ll be damned if I live with the regret of not having said anything to the person and not having looked out for them. If the other person gets angry at me for telling them the truth, then that’s a risk I’m willing to take. But rest assured, I’ll sleep very well at night with a clean conscience. The truth will wake them up someday, if not now, down the road, I assure you it will.

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

My mom told me X was just looking for someone to take care of him. Should have listened

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  newdaydawning

Yeah, these deadbeats look for a nurse or a purse. We shouldn’t be either of those things. Why don’t they get their act together, rather than mooch off of us.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Nurse or a Purse. I am stealing that.

Kellia, I learned this: There is nothing as useless as a YES MAN friend. I hate yes men.

I used to (and still do) see my sister making these terrible, sickening mistakes. I told her and my best friend:

Listen, if you ever see me doing something stupid, please tell me. I want to know. Don’t let me be a fool.

I mean it. My pride will recover. Some mistakes can’t.

Lulu
Lulu
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Yeah, well, I didn’t heed his warning and just got angry. I don’t think most people want to believe the worst of the people they’re in love with.

Fortunately, I listened to him the second time when I married my current husband, who is an awesome guy and now close friends with my uncle.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

I’m so happy you listened to him the second time. I wish I had an uncle like that to warn me or anyone! When I was engaged to my Fiance (he became an ex), everyone was telling me how he had such a great personality and was amazing. When he was verbally abusive and an asshole. And when I dumped him, everyone harped on me saying I was old. I was 30 years old at the time. So needless to say, my entire circle were doormats and people giving me horrible advice. I would have loved to have at least 1 person warning me. But in the end, I listened to my gut and called off my wedding. He was just an abusive asshole, and I knew that was the truth, no matter what anyone else in my circle thought or said.

Chump Change
Chump Change
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Oh my Kellia I also called off my wedding 6 weeks before it was due- and although I know I I dodged a bullet -I’ve been painted to be the Wicked Witch of the West in the town I work and still own a rental property in (the house he moved into quickly during the love bomb phase and then refused to contribute financially in any way)
After calling off the wedding due to no longer being able to ignore my screaming gut, I stuck out living together for a further 6 months which was when his mask came truly off
My mother, who saw through him from day one offered me a refuge and I moved myself and the child in with her and rented out the family home (after months of dealing with his increasing abusiveness and refusal to move out) when he finally did, he broke in one night drunk I was terrified
He still lives in the town I work in- and recently I was accosted and verbally abused by one of his harem, who said I had “ruined his life” !!. He goes around trash talking me to anyone who will listen
Also, despite not having actually married- his status on Facebook 2 years later still reads “separated” To be sad sausage.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that he’s going to do circle back, try hoovering ,the lot. It’s over 2 years since we split for good, but we have a beautiful daughter who is 4. She sees her dad an average of 3 hours a week
He pays no child support but his income is low and he’s so unreliable I gave up on chasing that ages ago. Although no contact evades me I’ve been meh for ages- and now evolving to a place where I actually pity the guy. He’s such a loser, and I feel sad that my daughter is gonna realise that someday soon too

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Chump Change

Chump Change – you are so mighty! Good for you for calling off your wedding. You are great role model for your daughter and that’s what counts to most!

Lulu
Lulu
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Kellia, that took so much strength to go against everyone and call of the wedding. You really should be so proud of yourself!

Now you know for future reference to do the exact opposite of what the doormats in your circle demand of you. 🙂

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

Thanks Lulu! It took herculean efforts, but I knew that if I didn’t do this, that at the end of the day, I’d be the one being abused behind closed doors. And you’re right, I did the opposite of what all these doormats demanded of me. You are so right!

Geode
Geode
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Kellia bravo for calling off the wedding. I wish I’d done that to the verbally abusive a-hole I ended up marrying. But the invitations were sent, minister arranged, dress altered, blah blah blah. I’m surprised how stupid and starry eyed I was at 45 on my second marriage. (((Head slap)))

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Geode

Thank you Geode. What a sweet message you sent me. We live and learn. Hugs to you.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Sorry – To *warn* me, not warm me. lol.

MissDeltaGirl
MissDeltaGirl
7 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

Great post. Very relevant. Will perhaps help others recognize red flags earlier in the game before kids arrive on the scene

Lulu
Lulu
7 years ago
Reply to  MissDeltaGirl

Well, the best advice I can offer is that love a person for he or she is, and not for who you want them to be.

Chump Lady made an apt comparison when she said her cheater was like the old fixer-upper she bought and planned to renovate into the house of her dreams. Problem is, you can fix objects and not people.

sadlady15
sadlady15
7 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

Mine was a fixer upper and fix I did. He did end up with his own business as did I. He loved to spend money on stuff we couldn’t afford but accuse me of being all about money when I tried to reign him in. He blew half of our retirement trying to keep his failing business afloat, all the while lying to me about havING stock to cover the debt. This WA after cheating, wreconciliation and a dreadful renewal of vows in central park (hey I guess he really wanted to visit new York! ). 4 years later after giving up the business on my insistence and working part time for 4 years he just quit working for our last months before day(no spousal support).. what a Great Guy! It has taken me a while to forgive myself for my blindness…

horsesrcumin
horsesrcumin
7 years ago
Reply to  sadlady15

Sadlady, bugger! I’m sorry you had to go through that.

Interestingly, most of my friends asked me if we would get married now (fast forward oh, maybe a few months post D-day.) WTF? Yeah, I didn’t want to get married for the first fabulous 25 years, and three kids, sure, of course I would want to marry him after he broke my fkn heart, gave me two STIs, and now that his skank, who had been my ‘friend’ for 34 years was stalking me and our kids, and he proved himself an expert liar! I don’t care if he’s the shiniest unicorn on the block. Not marrying that. Ever. Sweet baby cheeses!

Sorry, not deadbeat, but holy hell, deadbeat ‘friends’!

Kbchump
Kbchump
7 years ago
Reply to  sadlady15

Well “I was blind but now can see” comes to mind..! We were all blind to these fucktards because we aren’t disordered and can’t comprehend the betrayal and selfishness. Lesson learned though…personally I’m going to be extremely careful before I get into another relationship…if ever. 24 years and getting fucked over was enough for a while

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  Kbchump

I have so many stories of how I was fucked over I don’t know where to begin or which to choose from.. I’ll go with this one, on my 50th birthday X insisted on buying me a BMW. I told him I didn’t want one that I loved my Van maybe the following year. X called my brother to meet us at the dealership to help convince me to accept his gift. X said if I didn’t accept his gift he would feel insulted.
I reluctantly agreed. 6 months later X walked out, told the Judge he didn’t get me the car for my birthday, that I complained about my Van and went to the dealership and bought the car myself. Why was his name on the paperwork with his signature? He said I nagged and complained so much he signed them. I had to pay for my birthday gift. I was a stay at home mother without a job. Happy Birthday to me…. a gift I could have done without.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

I agree Lulu. Chumplady also made a great post when she said that Co-dependents are addicted to potential. And often times we Chumps are co-dependent, trying to fix a losing investment. My Ex boyfriend was a loser and I tried to fix him, and after 6 months of tolerating crap, I dumped him.

Maree
Maree
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

“Chumplady also made a great post when she said that Co-dependents are addicted to potential. And often times we Chumps are co-dependent, trying to fix a losing investment”. That comment really resonated with me Kellia. When I reflect back my ex did have so much potential but not in the “I will fix you up way”. He did have potential and tons of it so I thought, until the day he walked in the door and told me that he had been sacked for misappropriating funds from his job. I knew then that he indeed did need fixing up and I hung around for another 30 years trying my best to support and understand him but my best was never enough. I invested too many years and lost but in some sense I also won. Now that he has gone I realise that I have won the lottery of getting my life back and he is the prostit-tot’s problem now and with their language barrier his pathological lying would be full blown and she wouldn’t have a clue just like I didn’t. She has no idea what she is in for but I do !!

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  Maree

Maree, you and I have backgrounds that parallel with our families as well as with our X’s. Soon after X left he ran into my parents at a bookstore and talked with them with faux tears in his eyes explaining he had to leave, that I was abusive, an alcoholic and he couldn’t take it anymore. My Dad believed and sided with X. Since X is such a great guy I had to have given him a valid reason to leave. Fortunately my mother and Aunt believed and gave me emotional support I needed at the time.
My Dad and my brother didn’t believe me when I told them X left and hadn’t been giving me money or paying the bills. I was a stay at home wife and mother without any source of income.
Like you Maree, I never told our son his Dad wasn’t giving us money. I never said anything negative to him about his father to him over the years or thought it was appropriate to do so. In contrast X without me knowing X would talk privately to our son making insinuations that I was failing as a wife and mother. During the divorce X would explain to our son every in detail regarding the divorce distorting facts, and demonizing me. I have never told our son of his AP, then I don’t think my son would believe me if I did.
I’m confused as to why my Son sides with his father, I was a devoted wife and mother. X was a distant, negative, miserable as a father. X would say (in front of our son) when our son was growing up that he and our son had nothing in common and nothing to talk about, for me to leave him alone and quit trying to think of things for them to do together.
The parental alienation is something I will never be able to comprehend. I’m hesitant to tell people about the alienation of my son. To someone who has children who love them it doesn’t seem possible.
My son has apparently erased any good memories out of his mind or choses to do so to please his father.

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

brit and Maree,

I am going through the same thing. My boys are 15 and 17. They were 8 and 10 when we divorced. I did what I thought was right, didn’t say anything bad about their dad, the OW now “stepmom”, the divorce, etc. All of them and his family has been badmouthing me from day one. You hear this for years and years with me NOT saying anything, they eventually believe it. My boys are at the manipulative age where Daddy lets them do what they want and buys us what we want while Mom has rules and cannot afford extras. BTW, I have to pay him $400/month child support AND all the boys school expenses AND provide health insurance on them.

I pray and plead to God every day for my boys to know their dad’s true nature and for them to come home.

My heart breaks for both of you, taking your child from you for selfish reasons is the cruelest form of torture there is. I am blessed that I have lots and lots of support, more than Satan has. Lean on your support, just keep going, that is what I have been doing.

Maree
Maree
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

brit, I am truly sorry. Every time I read what has happened to you I feel so sad. We were married to very persuasive males of that there is no doubt. I won’t say men because men do not do what they have done to us. Yes, they lie to suit their agenda and they are so convincing. Some comments made by the ex have gotten back to me and I now just let them pass over me. The old Maree would have hunted the rat down but I prefer my calm, quiet and safe life and he simply is not worth it. Besides the heat and the filth of SE Asia is not something I wish to experience because he is hiding with his twu wuv in her home city. Good luck with that. If the most recent photo I saw of him is any indication of how tough life is, he looks shocking. You would think that living with your 24 year old twu wuv and having sex anytime you want and also raising her 2 sons from other men is fun at 64 years of age, well then he is bonkers, plain and simple. He wasn’t interested in our 2 kids and now they are his best friends and supporters and they have welcomed the prostit-tot and her kids into the family and I have been airbrushed from history. My 1st grandchild has been born and it has been kept a big secret from me. My daughter takes after her father very much. They are peas in a pod and I am history. Also, as for families siding with an imposter it beggars belief but it has happened in my own family also. We know the pain of rejection from all sides. I hope you have good support around you brit. You sound like a lovely, very gentle and thoughtful lady. I pray that your son comes to his senses. Maybe if and when he meets a nice young woman things may change for the better. I wish you every happiness brit. ((HUGS))

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Maree

Maree, I didn’t know the “misappropriating funds” story. I’d say you are well rid of him. Good to see you posting!

Maree
Maree
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Yes, sad but true LaJ. Would you believe about 4 weeks after he was sacked, everyone and I mean everyone including my own family blamed me and said I must have put him up to it because he was just too nice to think of it himself. So at the grand age of 30 years of age apparently he didn’t have a mind of his own. I was 6 weeks from having our 2nd child and I can tell you, I never want to relive that agony ever again again. Our kids were told of this indiscretion only about 5 years ago because I kept the secret like I had committed the crime myself and always making sure they knew they had a great dad (me spackling) and yet, they prefer him. It puzzles me no end.

Champ
Champ
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

When your POS has portrayed himself to be wonderful at the outset of your relationship and then only later shows his true colours, it causes us confusion. The potential is what they advertised themselves to be initially, and we’re hooked on finding that again in them despite the red flags. It’s hard to love someone for who they are when you don’t know who the hell they are!!! Mind you, they say the same thing about us … mine wailed to a counsellor, “I want to get back the woman I fell in love with!!!” (meaning me … an outright lie because he’s building a relationship with Twat-face). So he fell out of love with me because I wasn’t as advertised either, I suppose. Meaning, when he met me I had a huge income … when I asked him to help out with the rent, that’s when I changed for the worse, in his eyes … OMG! He didn’t actually want to support me. I think he read that as “In sickness OR in health”.

My POS has money, is set for life with his inheritance, but left me for a woman with medical benefits. Ahhh. The rich get richer. He is now soooo concerned about the house and me, trying to show he’s not a deadbeat (where was he when I needed him?) … probably because I’m in the house we co-own, and I’ve gone no contact. He may have plotted his escape, but he knows I’m plotting my future, and he’s worried about losing his investment. Let him worry.

Lulu
Lulu
7 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

P.S. I realize that the original blog question really related more to deadbeat parents, but I wanted to provide my experience for those of us chumps who didn’t have kids with our cheaters.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

He’s a deadbeat. He qualifies. 🙂

ANC
ANC
7 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

Still relevant.

The entire Deadbeat experience is Bait and Switch. We all keep investing in these relationships because we took the bait. It doesn’t matter if you have kids with the losers or not.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

Your post is great! There are all kinds of ways cheaters are deadbeats in life.

nomar
nomar
7 years ago

Well, since rants are allowed, I’ll add my two cents from a related perspective. It also really sucks to have to pay tens of thousands of dollars in child support to a cheater, especially when you know the cheater isn’t using the money for the kids. And especially when you know some of that money is being used to support the cheater’s co-habitation with one of the affair partners. And even more so when your kids live with those shitbags much of the time. #ipayformyownhell. Yes, I bought the cheats beer and pizza for years (and helped pay their mortgage, cable bill, etc.). That is a Carnegie Deli sized shit sandwich, my friends. And the ***ONE*** time I was 5 days late making my payment (I was self employed and sometimes didn’t get paid on time)? I felt utterly miserable until I could pay.

It may not be a popular view here, but I would favor a law allowing parents who pay child support to demand an accounting of monies spent on the covered children once every two years (so long as the cost of accounting is paid by the parent paying child support to discourage abuse).

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  nomar

While I totally understand the injustice of supporting a lazy-ass cheater who does not spend the child support money on the kids while the cheater him/herself + AP takes extravagant vacations, I would strongly argue AGAINST documentation.

I’ll use my own case in point–I have sole custody of my daughter, have NO help from anyone to schlep her to school functions, check her homework, take off work if she gets sick or has routine doctor’s appointments. In addition, I am working a full-time but low-salary job because I gave up a higher-paying job to move here with X (so that he could have a more prestigious & higher-paying job). Thus, I am full-time mother & full-time educator, who gets an average of 5.5-6 hours sleep every day in order to accomplish everything I need to.

If I also needed to document every time I handed $20 to my daughter for a movie, how much of the electrical & water bill she alone used (read: teenage girls & long showers), her share of the property taxes on the house (1/2, since 2 of us live there), money spent for school clothes, co-pays for doctor & therapist appointments; gas to drive her around, etc., then I would (a) get even less sleep; (b) have less time to spend parenting & probably be more stressed out and thus parent less effectively, and/or (c) end up in debtor’s prison, unable to complete the Documentation sufficiently, and daughter would be left without a functioning mother until my sentence was up. Ultimately, who would be the biggest loser in this? My daughter, who would lose more of my time.

Secondly, you can imagine Cluster Bs who pay child support debating every line item in the documentation and making the custodial parent’s life complete hell until the kid/s turned 18. And you can also imagine said ClusterBs would clog up the courts trying to get justification for the “$8.56 spend on Torchy’s Tacos on 9/30/16.”

Thus, I acknowledge the injustice that many here suffer by paying lazy, selfish cheaters who have more custody (or half custody but lower salaries), but cost/benefit analysis says that mandatory documentation would be worse than the current policy.

ANC
ANC
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I completely hear the frustration of chump paying child support to the cheater and the cheater using the $ to fund the cheater lifestyle.

During my “marriage” I was chastised about using marital $ to pay for things for the kids, like food clothes activities. In fact I chumpily up cycled clothing for the kids and myself, was exceptionally frugal about household expenses, saved for major home repairs, blah blah blah. These are the thing you do in order to save for up coming college and other stuff-like the retirement mirage.

Asshat makes 6-figures. Where the FUCK was he spending it? It takes a lot of dough to entertain your fuckbuddies in NYC and other locations worldwide. My kids NEVER had a proper family vacation until *I* booked a dumpy cabin on Grand Traverse Bay. Took them cherry picking, kayaking, hiking, sand dune jumping etc… All without the asshat. He was entertaining the MOW unbeknownst to me. I wish I had done MORE with my kids instead to settling for Hopium. The BEST thing is that they loved (and still love )those trips, the smelly cabin and Up-North.

Eve
Eve
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Same here, Tempest. Sole custody of teenager, absolutely no financial help beyond state-mandated 20% of underemployed X’s salary (like a few hundred dollars a month). No help with money for gas, yearbook, clothes, homecoming mum!, lost earbuds, or college apps. And that’s just this week. S17 works as a lifeguard at the local rec to pay for his expenses.

X is court-ordered to pay half of S17’s unreimbursed medical expenses. S17 has scoliosis and the world-renowned doctor ordered physical therapy at esteemed local hospital. X refused to pay his half of the costs and ordered me to find cheaper therapy because I was RIPPING HIM OFF. Guess who paid the whole amount?

I cannot imagine having to account to Disordered X for the pittance I receive each month. It would just be massive kibbles for him.

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago
Reply to  Eve

I see injustice in all of it. And the kids truly pay for it. Each of our kids are now being abused by the “parent”. It all boils down to who is the responsible adult. The CHUMP!!!!

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Yes yes yes to all of the above. You said it more eloquently than I did while trying to get my preschooler out the door before work. I think the bottom line is that it sucks to be the chump, no matter how it works out.

cricket1114
cricket1114
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I totally agree. One week after I received my first child support payment, my ex demanded that I make a list of what I was spending it on. It was all about control. My life would be hell if I had to document everything and my ex would experience great pleasure.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Sadly, you are 100% right.

Cluster Bs would dedicate their BEING to micro analyzing each purchase and expenditure. The can of worms it would open would lead to insanity, violence or bankruptcy. They would probably file contempt charges because you bought her BedHead or even Pantene and not White Rain Shampoo.

It just would not work with a disordered.

The only way I could see it working, in terms of goods and supplies, is Amazon Prime Pantry. The child and mother could go in and put in the “box” everything they need, and the child support payer would pay. The costs are actually less than Wal Mart. But that does not tackle all the other huge bills.

Big mercy…that I did not marry the mutant. All these logistics with a liar.

kb
kb
7 years ago
Reply to  nomar

This is one of those great injustices. I have no idea how to make a fair way to account for child support.

I know that in my own situation, Schmoopie came to work at CheaterX’s company as a single mom. She was getting child support from Divorce #1, and part of her appeal was that she was also going to school in order to open up employment opportunities in the IT industry. Everyone thought she was a great hire: hard-working, ambitious, etc. Then the Chief Financial Officer let my X know that he’d learned something about Schmoopie that, if he’d known about it beforehand, would have meant he’d never have permitted her to be hired. X was livid. What was this? CFO never said.

I had wondered if she’d been at the heart of some kind of financial malfeasance, but after seeing her standard operating procedure, I suspect that she had a reputation for sleeping around with different company bigwigs. It soon became apparent that she had had some one-night stands in CheaterX’s company–always with the upper management!

It didn’t take a rocket scientist to see why. She was living well beyond her means, and her child was about to turn 18. The money well was going to run dry. I remember saying something about this to CheaterX.

I know the vast majority of custodial parents spend the support money on the welfare of the children, and that it would be a terrible paperwork burden to have to separate bills for clothes, doctor visits, food, etc. But I’ve also run across a few like Schmoopie, who use that money to fund their own lifestyles, and it makes me angry as I see them as stealing from their own kids!

chump-tastic
chump-tastic
7 years ago
Reply to  nomar

I hear you on this, Nomar! I’m finally, finally receiving child support (though I had to take him to court to get a dime), and I would be happy to provide an accounting of it. The pitiful amount my cheater was ordered to pay just rewards him for being an underemployed, lazy deadbeat. So the accounting would go something like “Okay this month CS covered 11% of daycare expenses, and two spaghetti dinners. No wait, those leftovers came from the office. Nevermind, just the 11% of daycare then. Don’t even ask about clothes, medical bills, extracurricular activities, or anything like that. It’s all on me.” -____-

I hate that it seems that so often, the hardworking half of the pair is one that’s ordered to continue funding everybody’s good times. And deadbeats who were a huge drain on the relationship are allowed to either continue to drain their ex, or barely baaaaaarely contribute anything to a child they helped to create. Argh. Here’s hoping for justice for your Nomar, in some way or other. I’m sorry the family courts suck and seem to just be another vessel to allow users to use, and takers to take.

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago
Reply to  chump-tastic

Your observation is so true and accurate, the responsible party has to continue being responsible. Meanwhile, the deadbeat continues to get a break. I’m very lucky I only have to pay for another 1 year 8 months max. It just sucks to be on either side for the chump. The deadbeat either wastes the money paid to them or doesn’t pay a fair share for their child. The legal system lets them get away with it a lot of the times.

Khris
Khris
7 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Same thing here. I pay support for my kids and happy to do so. But ex is not using the money on the kids. It goes to support the ex’s lifestyle. Then weekends when i have the kids they are asking me to buy sneakers, clothes, etc. I have said the same thing about getting an accounting of where the money goes.

Only bright spot is my oldest daughter turns 14 in a month and has told anyone who listens she wants to live with me. Ex is livid about this and keeps saying that she will never agree to the change in custody. Why? Her lifestyle will change if I am awarded custody. Keeping fingers crossed.

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago
Reply to  Khris

hopefully, the courts where you live are like the one’s here and at age 14 they can tell the judge where they want to live.

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
7 years ago
Reply to  nomar

I totally sympathize with where you’re coming from, but can you imagine how this would be used to punish decent custodial parents? I have a hard enough time as a single parent making sure we’re both bathed and fed, let alone adding an extra layer of administrative obligation to make my cheating ex feel confident that I’m not cheating him. I’m not willing to keep every receipt for snow pants, divide every grocery bill by percentages, calculate my son’s percentage of housing costs, etc. I also know that my ex would protest everything I buy. “Why didn’t you buy the generic toothpaste instead of the name brand toothpaste? I’m not finding your extravagance! I’m only paying for half of the generic cost, if you want fancy toothpaste, YOU pay for it.” That would be an unfair burden on me and an extra helping of shit sandwich that I don’t need or deserve.

I would, on the other hand, be ok with the non-custodial parent paying certain expenses directly. For example, my ex pays half of our son’s preschool tuition directly to the school instead of to me, and this is totally acceptable.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Free Vixen

I agree (I posted below before I saw your comment).

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
7 years ago
Reply to  Free Vixen

*funding, not finding

DoctorChump
DoctorChump
7 years ago
Reply to  nomar

There should definitely be an accounting. I understand that there is no legal advice given here and it is strictly opinion, but can anyone offer an explanation as to why there are no audits on child support payments? It doesn’t seem fair. Then again, none of this bullshit is, so why start there, right?

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
7 years ago
Reply to  DoctorChump

How would an accounting be done? Would I have to calculate the percentage of grocery costs spent on food consumed by my son? I had to rent a two bedroom so son had bedroom, would I account for the square footage percent of the monthly rent? How about the percentage of the electric bill caused by son endlessly playing video games or listening to music? Or the increased water usage due to his super long showers? Could I include the extra gas used in my car chauffering him around town? And none of that even includes the “cost” of time spent caring for a child.

PianoMom
PianoMom
7 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

THIS!!

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago
Reply to  nomar

There should absolutely be an accounting required. Deadbeats don’t magically start putting their kids before themselves. The courts also need to take a harder look at which parent the kids live with. Chumps, no mater the sex ,are almost always the responsible adult. Rant is point on!

MissDeltaGirl
MissDeltaGirl
7 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Yes Nomar his is a terrible situation and thanks for reminding everyone about this perspective. My cheater and his OWife lived off of the child support and alimony she got from her ex husband while contributing nothing to our children and not taking our children during his visitation time. He even had the nerve to complain to me occasionally about how hey couldn’t depend on OWife’s ex husband to pick his kids up on time when he was late a couple of times. WTF? Hypocrite, no???

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  nomar

I agree. My dad paid his support, and it funded my mom’s and new stepdad’s drinking habit nicely while my sister and I often went without dinner.

nic
nic
7 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Seems totally fair to make sure child support is used for the child(ren) not Macy’s or Aruba. Grrrr. Go sox.

UXworld
UXworld
7 years ago

As everyone probably knows, Kunty Kibbler is still in the house (Oct 30 can’t come soon enough) but I’ve been living my own unique twist on deadbeatness since March.

KK refused to contribute to the operation and upkeep of what she repeatedly calls “MY house” — mortgage, utilities, household supplies that she uses (toilet paper and such). I never put a % demand on it — just continually noted that she was “living off a UXworld scholarship” while she spent her money on concerts, restaurants, hotels, sex toys, etc.

Her response? “Hey — when you start giving me half the difference between our paychecks, I’ll start paying for stuff around here.” (The judge put a stop to that — now I have to deal with “I’ll get it to you when I have it,” but at least she’s legally responsible for 1/3 of the expenses.)

Setting aside for a moment how that models a “taker” attitude and illustrates perfectly how, despite her boastful protestations, she needs me and will continue to need me for the forsesable future, I crunched the numbers and it turns out I was better off just floating her until (hopefully) she’s ordered to leave.

There’s a possibility I can get some portion rebated in the settlement — but even if that doesn’t end up happening, I’m modeling self sufficiency and she’s modeling dependency and entitlement. Not good examples to set for our daughters.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

It really does come down to entitlement, doesn’t it? Disordered POS. Keep on staying strong, UXWorld.

UXworld
UXworld
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Next week’s Fun Friday challenge — what would your fuckwit come dressed as at the Cheater’s Halloween Party? What would you throw in their trick or treat bag?

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Fucktard would come dressed as his usual dickhead self, a Sad Vienna Sausage. I’d throw in some cyanide covered cheese doodle. Yes, I’ve thought about this.

sadlady15
sadlady15
7 years ago

Wackjob should come dressed as the pile of shit hats I saw at wonderland….

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

ooooooh I like that one, Uxworld!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

luckily i had enough sense left to separate all the money 50/50 from the 1st day. I also canceled all joint credit accounts. It’s very important that any new chump do this ASAP. They cannot be trusted.

notadoormat
notadoormat
7 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

OMG THIS. I am so thankful that my first reaction was to get legal advice AND tell him that all shared expenses would be 50-50 from that day on and personal expenses were, well, just that, personal. He was off on a week-long business trip the day after D-Day so he knew that any spending on the the GF and his kids would be out of his pocket. And I told him that as soon as he was back that we would be meeting with our banker. We had separate bank accounts – much to his dismay – within the week.
He still can’t get his act in gear with regards to his banking – there’s always some excuse (computer locked up, forgot to hit the send button for the wire transfer …). Now I just laugh because I document every transaction – how late he is, what his miserable excuse is. Who knows, it may help if needed one day.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

As Sylvia wrote not too long ago, show no mercy, as none will be shown to you… SO true

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

This!

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Exasshole moved into an apartment, blew through nearly $20K on whatthefuckever while paying zero on our house for 6 months. When I told him we were divorcing, he moved back into my house saying “I know my rights, this is MY house”. He paid one months bills then lived off me until the day of the gun. I did not get any of that money back. However, I did get our accounts separated (got him to sign off while he was drunk). I kept the rest of the savings, good thing cos I needed it for the attorney fees. When I got the PO he moved in with his mother, then he moved in with his GF. Last I heard he was trying to get SSN disibility. It’s years later and he still does not work.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

There wouldn’t be enough dirty looks for the X moving back in. It would be MORE than uncomfortable for him. Boy they were born with an extra set of balls….

Kimhopes
Kimhopes
7 years ago

I bent over backwards so STBX could stay involved in the lives of shared godchildren. We couldn’t have children and he had literally cried on the lounge one time about how much he loved the youngest godchild. Since we split, crickets. One time I asked if he wanted to see the youngest godchild as I was minding her. He spent the whole time on the phone.

My big regret was telling the godchildren he loved them. His actions have proven otherwise. If they bring it up I will be honest and say that how someone acts towards them and treats them holds weight over any words spoken.

Moose
Moose
7 years ago
Reply to  Kimhopes

I said this just tonight. Ex asshat want to blame me for the lack of relationship with his kids. But, where is he? Getting drunk at a friends house, watching football with the skank squad. I told my children, believe what he does, not what he says he will do

ANC
ANC
7 years ago

I’m not going to vent in this response but highlight how strangers and aquaintences NOW realize Disney Dad Deadbeat is a poser:

I have been a single MARRIED parent to all of my children. Their father had always been physically present in the home, On The Weekends (traveling during the week to do his hookups OR having ‘meetings in-town’ for his hook-up), and would periodically parade his children publically when it served him to bask in the glow of his 4 kids.

So…when my younger two decided to continue with their love of scouting in middle school, he asked me to back off; let him have these experiences with his sons and other adults (men) in the troop. This is all part of his therapized new Asshat v2.0. The previous 5 yrs I had been the den leader to the pack because Asshat v1.0 was toooooo busy getting into xhamster reenactments with MOW and others to be a role model male leader to a group of boys. Asshat v1.0 spent 18yrs ignoring the emotional needs of all of his kids- too busy with his second life.

Anyhow, to the present. I back off, let him take the lead in scouting with his sons. The troop leaders assign him responsibilities. He neglects some important fundraising stuff for the troop. The leaders kept asking me over and over again when will he produce on the promises he made to the troop. I have to tell the leaders that I have no idea and no control on what he does because we are not together. They hound and hound him. He finally does what he is supposed to do, way past the deadline with poor results. This is just this year, the first year my guys are in this troop.

ALL of the adult men in this troop work, travel and have working, traveling spouses AND manage to get their troop-related stuff done, because their kids and the troop are a priority to them. The old me would have spackled the shit out of the task and deadline, making Asshat look like a fucking hero. Nope. No longer my problem.

Anyhow to last week, at a ceremony for the scouts’ achievements, one of the leaders had asked me a few weeks before to assume a leadership role in the troop-to take his spot when his son ages out in a yr. Another former troop leader who is active with the group approached me at the ceremony and began talking to me about the role. Asshat v2.0 was nearby and became unhappy with the news. I didn’t seek the position. They sought me. It only took these adults, strangers essentially, less than one yr to figure out that Asshat v2.0 talks a good talk to make himself LOOK good. When it comes time to deliver, crickets…..

Deadbeat Scout Dad

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  ANC

The traitor was the same, made promises of help and leadership in one project after another. I had to pick up the pieces, do the work for him behind the scenes and let him take the credit. Finally, last year, during wreckonciliation, he had again promised to help out with another project, they counted on him because of his science background. He did nothing, dodged phone calls and email reminders and begging from the other guys for 3 months. After another desperate phone message, he asked me to help out and work with them. I refused for the first time. I was hoping to force him to face his responsibilities instead of sneaking off to the whore’s and feeling sorry for himself for being stuck with MeanieMe. . It was his project, he had come up with the idea and got the other guys on board! He gave me a dirty look like I had betrayed and abandoned him. I am sure he convinced himself that I was sabotaging our relationship by refusing to cover for him. Bleh! The guys got on with it as best they could, but still refused to see who he really is. To this day they still consider him a member of this farming group even though he has not replied to a single email or call for 18 months. He just had one conversation where he told one guy we were having relationship problems and were separating and he was overwhelmed. So they feel sorry for him. Clearly I am putting him through hell…I am still a member in my own right, I went to the AGM, told them he has left me and doesn’t even live in the area anymore. I do my bit, but they are still holding their breath for him to return. He is an exec on their board. I can’t believe they haven’t replaced him yet since he has gone AWOL for 18 months. He dazzled them so much, they even believed he had finished his PhD. So he was impersonating something he is not. Even his family thought he had finished it, as I discovered last year.

Deadbeat traitor could never remember his 3 eldest sons’ birthdays either. I organised everything. I organised their bus tickets to come down for school holidays to stay with us, paid for them of course, liaised with the careers teacher at school 400kms away, got them driving lessons and found and bought each boy’s first car, found tertiary courses for them, found a flat for one, jobs for the other two. He did nothing and dodged $40,000 of child support. It was all about the 4th son, son of the whore who was the AP in his first marriage, and must have been his AP during our entire relationship. All attention on him, he is the golden boy. Traitor’s entire family has noticed it and we only saw them a couple of times a year!
I did all the lifting in this “family”, I have more time for me now that I have to work off farm and run the farm by myself than I did when we were together and I did everything he should have done for this kids. They were always issues with them because they had a tough childhood thanks to him and the whore wrecking his marriage.
But these poor boys of his first marriage had better pay homage and grovel on Father’s Day or else. Traitor would even supply a list of presents he wanted for his birthday and Father’s Day…Never asked what anyone else wanted except boy no. 4. Once I asked for something and he refused. A present should be a surprise or it doesn’t count, he said. So he got me what he decided I wanted.

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Great story one I can relate to with Scouts, Baseball, and Karate. X is Pilot who bids on call lines which means he might fly 2 or 3 days a month while staying home or with his phone 2 weeks out of the month if they need him. He said he bid these lines so he could spend time with his son and to “help” me.
In reality he ignored our son and the only thing he did for me was empty the dishwasher occasionally.
Where I was going with this is, I was friends with some of the other moms at school I volunteered with and they and their husbands had met X through me. X of course was funny and charming.
When it came time for the boys to play baseball, Scout activities. and they needed a volunteer with coaching or field trips with Scouting or meetings the other parents would ask for his help he would claim he was too busy.
Remember these men all have full time jobs, wives that work and other children and they’re volunteering their time for their boys. X didn’t have time. X spent his days working out at the gym, where he met his AP and discovered they have so much in common
X has a degree in physical education and recreational activities, when one of my sons classroom teachers asked if he could help the kids with physical education he refused.
On the last day of one school year the kids played the parents in softball. All the other dads let the kids get them out or pretended to miss the ball. Guess who knocked the ballot of the playground and got the kids out every chance he got. He made a fool of himself. All the teachers and other parents were making remarks on what a jerk he was. I discreetly told him and he didn’t care, he said he wanted to show his son he knew how to play baseball.. yeah, right. I should have been more humiliated than I was and left him then.
He would make promises to take the boys to visit the airport and never followed through.
Any small thing he did do to help out was because I begged him to help and he did so reluctantly with a miserable face on him.

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

Once I started writing so many memories came to mind things I had forgotten or hadn’t thought of in years.
My perception of events at that time are so much different than what they really were.
I was doing all the work, running around, planning, cleaning, bills, shopping, cooking,
scheduling car maintenance and Dr. Appointments, dentists, maintaining our happy family image.
Cheater was like having a lazy, teenager in the house who was miserable, moody, and self centered. My name should be Tori.

Thankful
Thankful
7 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Wow, Just wow.

this reminds me of the year leading up to my D’day. My son had been involved in Boys Brigade here in Australia which is a church version of scouts since he was 5, he was then 14 and had decided he would help out with the younger kids. Out of the blue Cheater pants decides he is going to volunteer to help out also. Son would come home furious. When I asked him what was wrong he would always respond “this is now all about dad”.. Cheater would come home and boast about how he was creating a better system of managing the boys and how hard he was on them, as his word was law. Laughingly also in this, 12 month period cheater decided that he was going to return to uni and become a music teacher (apparently it was a calling he had always had but due to being a husband and father had never been able to fulfil it, this was news to me and at 40 living pay to pay I was not overly pleased with the notion). This from the man who had refused to teach Sunday school unless the lesson revolved around washing his car. He also owned a piano and despite his middle childs desire to learn cheater never had the capacity to teach her. A week before presentation night for brigade that year D’day hit. I was sitting in the room shocked that cheater continued in his role as leader on the night, he even received praise from the head leader for his assistance during the year and announced that cheater would not be continuing in his service to the brigade the following year as he was pursuing uni studies to become a teacher. I was numb. No one knew that he had been kicked out that week for exposing our son to homosexual porn. Cheater just continued like nothing had happened.
Here is the really dead beat dad part. Because cheater was an adult and a leader he was asked if he thought that our son was ready for promotion, son was due for promotion due to years served and had proven to be worthy of the task. But because the leaders had seen tension between father and son over the year they thought it best to ask the cheater his opinion, Cheater said “no” so not only did son have to deal with dad all year, he then discovered dad’s porn addiction and had to talk to me about it, he then had to stand at this event knowing his father was deceiving everyone only to be denied promotion. Son was devastated but had to suck it up because his father felt justified in his decision. How my son stayed on the rails during this time continues to puzzle me but I am very thankful.

Thankful
Thankful
7 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

P.S. Son is now 17 and doing reasonably well, still, struggles with dad. Cheater has remarried to maintain Christian facade so son now needs to accept being the big brother to an extra two children. And does so to have a relationship with his father. It is sad to see that a 17yr old has more maturity than a 44yr old.

horsesrcumin
horsesrcumin
7 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

The scariest part of this, Thankful, is that no one intervened to remove him PUBLICLY from being around children and young people. And the pat on the back from the Boys Brigade leader reeks of the shuffling of Catholic priests from parish to parish rather than exposing them. The police should have been involved. And teaching. Hands up who wants Thankful’s ex to teach their child! Ugh.

Eve
Eve
7 years ago
Reply to  ANC

ANC, I have a deadbeat Scout dad, too. X was an Assistant Scout Master, trekked with Son to Philmont, etc. When he dumped us, he dumped Scouts, too. Son was a Life Scout, just starting to work on Eagle.

The second hardest thing I have ever done (besides finalizing the divorce) has been shepherding Son through the Eagle process. Our troop is very much a man-led troop and nobody was interested in helping the clueless mama and the increasingly reluctant boy. The byzantine troop politics and endless bureaucracy made the family court system a pleasant memory.

But, we persevered. The Eagle project is finished, all merit badges have been completed (damn you, new Cooking badge!) and the Scout Master conference is next week. Mighty Son, mighty me.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  ANC

ANC, this story illustrates just what happens when chumps stop the public spackling. And notice how fast the other parents caught on. For chumps who are still on the fence, stop spackling and see what happens.

StartofSomethingGood
StartofSomethingGood
7 years ago

My ex and the OW are both teachers making over $90,000 a year. They conducted their affair at work amongst the kids they were teaching. They now live together.

I had to take ex to court to fight for alimony and extraordinary expenses due our daughter’s special needs. In Ontario, Canada, child support is set, based on income but I was able to fight, and win more money because my daughter needs so much help.

The dead beat part is he knew what was involved and didn’t care the thousands we’d spend in lawyer fees. People always tell me I’m lucky he pays and still takes her to give me a break! HA! This child will be a dependent forever! AND the time he “graciously” spends with her: the ratio is 80 to 20. Daughter is with me 80% of the time. Yeah, he’s a great dad (rolling eyes).

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago

And I am sure he runs the line continuously…”I am all about children! I am an educator!”
Just not HIS child. Maybe his principal needs to know the truth? In a calm, rational letter…but with facts about what he pays and what your daughter needs…could the school district help out or give him a raise?

I woud do it in a NY minute.

Do they make 90K combined or each? If each, that is a great teacher salary!

Anita
Anita
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Start of something good, please report those two cheaters. That is am abuse of taxpayer money.

findingpeace
findingpeace
7 years ago

STBX picked up our daughter from school for visitation night. I texted him list of homework she needed for the next day. None of it got done. She received an F on science homework. Ex claimed power was out after they went hanging out until 8:30 at night. He didn’t write note to teachers explaining. I had to explain. Two weeks later I asked our daughter if her dad’s GF (he left 9 months ago to move in with co worker half his age) ever helped her with homework. She gets her hair and nails done, why not homework? Child says no, GF tries but cannot help with homework. As I frowned, daughter told me not to talk bad about OW. She was not going to continue to play cards with me if I said bad things about OW, as she put deck of cards back in the box. I was like, excuse me?

Well, I found out why my daughter has been nasty and disrespectful to me over these months. Her dad was telling her how ‘mean’ I am and how OW helped save him from me. GF moved in with him to help him with bills. When he makes 6 figures. right.

I explained dad was cheating and lying to us for months as he was gone every weekend at the hotel with GF. I showed her phone records, hotel receipt, e-mail….. When I was angry and ‘mean’ was when I was confronting him with the lies and I was told that I was insecure, etc. And then, of course, he really spent more time away because I was ‘mean.’

For months I endured my daughter resenting me – being crushed – not understanding what was going on. Now I know. To see my daughter’s face as she said, “My dad’s been lying to me….” Horrible.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago
Reply to  findingpeace

Same thing here. After he left and I found out he was cheating again, I stepped out of the middle of their relationship. I was the one who protected them from his behavior when they were younger and facilitated their time spent together (which wasn’t much to begin with). Now that it is up to him, he loves blames me for the disintegration of their relationship.

Example: Son stopped talking to STBX after he surprised him by bringing the OW to his soccer game (son didn’t even know about OW at the time). When STBX came to the house to see kids, son wouldn’t come out of his room. STBX sat in the living room waiting for son to come down. Son never did. In the past, I would have told STBX to go upstairs to talk to him or told son to come downstairs. Instead, I decided to just let STBX figure it out. He ended up leaving without talking to him. He later texted son that he didn’t know “what all mom has been saying to you but there are 2 sides to every story and it was hurting him to not have son talk to him.” Blamed me AND playing the pity role to make son feel guilty. I try not to tell son how to feel or what to do, but I AM going to talk with him to help him navigate the manipulation STBX is trying to pull. To ignore it or sugarcoat it would just perpetuate the mindfuck.

Louisvilleflower
Louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

Getmefree, I could have written most of this. When I stopped facilitating father/child relationships, STBX said I was alienating them from him. I think that he honestly thinks he is a good, involved father. I used to text him about the kids’ days and send him pictures of them so he didn’t miss anything while he was “working so hard for our family” aka “fucking lots of other women.”
I still let him know what is going on with them at school and health wise. Other than that, he is on his own.
He is discovering that it is HARD to start relationships with your kids when they are teens and tweens.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago

Exactly. I used to fill STBX in on what was going on with his kids because he was rarely around. I have discovered by me telling him about their lives, I was enabling him. He never had to put forth the effort but was able to brag to others about their accomplishments or get pity from others for the kids’ struggles. Plus, he could do a 1 minute phone call to them and mention what he knew so it seemed like he was involved in their lives. He is never the one who initiates a conversation with them by asking them what is going on in their lives, except to find out what the score of their games are. The walls between them are growing and I hate to see it, but I can’t orchestrate a relationship between them if it will ever have a chance of standing on its own. He has to do it himself.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

Some of my favorite texts to the kids are:
“I’m here for you buddy. I didn’t leave my kids. I left your mom.”
“Someday your mom will have someone else in her life. Are you going to treat her this way?”
“It wasn’t son’s day. It was Father’s Day.” (After kids asked him to meet them for dinner but made it clear he was to come alone.)
“This is MY vacation too. Shouldn’t I get to spend it doing something I want to do?” (Then left to spend the entire day golfing with some people he ran into the night before.)
“Why would you ever go to Univeral Studios on this day?” (While on vacation and football was on. This was before he left us for 5 hours to go sit in a bar while I took the kids around to rides)

The kids already felt like dad didn’t really want to spend time with them before he even left. My son said after he left, “At least now we can stop worrying about trying to get dad to want to enjoy spending time with us.” He is also the one who asked if dad was cheating months before I confirmed he was. That boy is pretty perceptive. And that is just so incredibly sad…

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

“He is also the one who asked if dad was cheating months before I confirmed he was.” That broke my heart reading that last sentence. Selfish cheaters have no idea how their actions affect their children! To learn how cruel the world is from your very own flesh and blood parent… It just should not happen like that for innocent kids…. SMH

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  Peakyblinders

Boy number two asked me if I had cottoned on to what was going on with the whore in June last year, while on yet another trip with him to sort out his car crash/ suspended licence issues, Dad wasn’t dealing with it. Of course I knew, but I hadn’t told them anything. Traitor had been running a character assassination campaign and telling the boys we were probably going to split up. We were in MC and wreckonciliation at the time and the rest of the “family”, but not me, knew “we” were probably going to split up because I was so difficult to live with.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

*OW Smackdown After Disparagement

It cost her a mint in legal fees, but I have a girlfriend who SUCCESSFULLY (after many attempts) got an injunction against the OW to stop disparaging her character to her children.

It was a two year battle, and she had to try several different legal vehicles (she first tried a protection order) but she finally got in front of a woman judge and an injunction was granted. This was in California.

If the OW starts any of her crap again, the visits with the X and OW must be a a children’s supervised visitation center. The key was getting a therapist to testify at the injunction hearing about how damaging it was to disparage the Mother.

It was a slog but she did prevail.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Certainly a cease and desist letter from an attorney might be a first step. It might put a stop to the disparagement if the X and the AP are concerned there might be actual consequences.

Chump change
Chump change
7 years ago
Reply to  findingpeace

My daughter spent 6 weeks with douche bag during summer where she met his OW. When she came back nobody could say anything bad about her. I’m hurt, I raise this kid 100% of the time and she likes this bitch? The two of them ruined our family and it pisses me off. She is only 10 and I’m sure smth horrible must have been said about me for her to act this way. I’m sure he painted me as crazy and mean. Pretty sure any wife would be crazy and mean if they found out her husband was screwing not one but two work hoes. Unreal!

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
7 years ago
Reply to  findingpeace

findingpeace, thank you for sharing your story. My daughter is over 18 and knows at least the basics of what her dad did. I stopped talking to her about him or the situation a long time ago but he hasn’t. Like your daughter, she gets his “poor me” and “your mom was/is so mean to me” stories constantly and comes home upset with me. It’s really him trying to create an issue between she and I, basically triangulation like he did when we were all living together. I refuse to be drawn in so I try to hear her out and try to stay calm (ha, not always). The last time it happened, I told her that she’s hearing one side of a very complicated story which I could share with her but I frankly felt that it would cause more issues because he would refute what I say and she doesn’t need to be in the middle of any of that. She agreed so that’s where it’s left for now.

ANC
ANC
7 years ago
Reply to  findingpeace

Please please please tell her school counselor the shit that’s been happening to your daughter. Please please please provide her with an outside therapist to help her through this mindfuck.

What her dad and his fuckbuddy do to your daughter is damaging in a million different ways. You both deserve much much more.

finding peace
finding peace
7 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Thank you. I have spoken to her teachers, school counselor, principal, vice-principal – to let them know what’s going on. She’s in Honor’s classes and grades slipping – I wanted them to know what’s going on. They are all very supportive. Looking into counseling now. She did not want to see her dad this weekend. Oh he went on a rampage – he was going to call the police because I violated court-ordered visitation by not taking her to him. Ummm but he can refuse to see her because he’s going to Las Vegas, the river, or working extra hours…. He told me, “That’s different.” I told him – she’s hurting from your lies and you are going to call the police? Really. OK, he said – he won’t call police but he will notify court that I am noncomplaint.
Well stupid, I already told my lawyer and she notified the court that he’s been alienating my child from me.. They suck, they suck , they suck….

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  ANC

So important. Get this girl some help.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  findingpeace

They are master manipulators with no conscience. They suck!

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago

Unfaithful would rather shack up with half his age whore in her scummy apartment than get his own place so our girls can spend some quality time with their dad and have overnight visits. And money is not an issue. He is building a brand new sparkly life without them.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
7 years ago

+ 1 ????

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago

+1

Thankful
Thankful
7 years ago

My girls went to their father on Friday. Miss 12 forgot her teddy bear. Bear is the most important thing in the world to her as he was her constant companion during chemo two years ago. Her father lives less than 5mins from my home but made no attempt to collect the bear. I was made aware when my daughter messaged me that she had forgotten the bear with a crying emoji as she is not permitted to phone me when with her father. Within two hours of me knowing bear and miss 12 were reunited. Father was not fussed either way. Jerk.

carolyn
carolyn
7 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

He should not be able to forbid your daughter to call you when she is with him. Any judge here would put a stop immediately to that. A child should always feel like they can have access to their parents.

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

I hope you document that. Telling her not to phone you while with him is BS.

Anita
Anita
7 years ago

I hate cheating whores anyway, but when innocent children (in addition to innocent spouses) are involved it takes the disgust to a whole new level.

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago
Reply to  Anita

Courts should consider cheating and award all custody to sane parent. They should only be allowed supervised visitation in my opinion.

Chump change
Chump change
7 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

Amen

DoctorChump
DoctorChump
7 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

Agreed!!!! But in shitty states like Florida it’s no fault. Fuck Face would have to been a heroin addict shooting up in front of the kids for me to get full custody. It’s disgusting and unfair. They get their cake and kibbles, and they get the kids, too. What a joke!

chump-tastic
chump-tastic
7 years ago
Reply to  DoctorChump

Same. Utter garbage. The mega deadbeat gets as much time as he wants with kid, WHEN it’s convenient and / or helps his false narrative in front of the right people. Doesn’t matter that he’s mooched off of multiple women throughout his life, is an alcoholic, and tried to pick our toddler up for visits when drunk several times. Because he’s slick and (so far) evades the police when drunk driving, he’s “not dangerous.” Idiotic courts! When he GETS a criminal record, it’ll be too late because my child will have wrecked into the ditch WITH him. ARRRRRRGH. Red flags and common sense mean nothing, in this godforsaken system.

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago

My X has picked new boyfriend over daughter. Oldest started college this year but younger daughter is still suppose to be 50/50 custody. She rarely stays with mom because boyfriend is a creep. He’s unemployed, smokes dope constantly, and abuses prescription meds. I am paying monthly child support though. Along with all my kids bills. So I support them 100%. X has yet to hold a job very long. She’s been employed about 4 months out of the past 17. I am documenting and once I move into my house, we are going back to court. Entitled losers never change. It’s all about them.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

I pray your daughters take full notice of this discrepancy of support and caring between their two parents. It is so unjust that the cheaters keep living their entitled little lives while the caring, sane parent has to take care of all the expenses and adult responsibilities.

Kbchump
Kbchump
7 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

My ex whore left our daughter and I when she was still a junior in high school for her new shiny boy toy. 2 1/2 years later she still lives with him in a shitty apartment on the busiest street in town. She also hasn’t worked in 2 years so she’s 100% dependent on him. When our daughter asked her mom for some help with a bill she had exes excuse was “idiot” hasn’t put any money in my account yet this month….yeah….he can fucking have her!! Daughter has never spent the night with her mom since she left. While with me she’s completed veterinary assistant school and is working at a local vet clinic, enrolled to further her education and last week purchased and financed a car on her own..meanwhile ex sits at home waiting to do her wifely duties for her allowance. I don’t know if it’s karma but I’m pretty sure I dodged a bullet.

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago
Reply to  Kbchump

You did dodge a bullet! We all did even if you don’t see it yet. We will not have to support these lazy bums in our old age. The majority of my trying to save so much for retirement was due to X. Had health problems in her 40’s and wouldn’t lift a finger to try to prevent them. Just had the attitude that I can take a pill for that. Now i’m free of that crap and can plan an active retirement!

Kbchump
Kbchump
7 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

Good for you buddy! Right after my ex cheated and left she lost her job she had for 17 years at a local community college…they suddenly required her job to have more education than she had. I’m pretty sure they forced her out due to the “new and improved” her. She cashed out her retirement and blew that over the next year which doesn’t surprise me at all since she couldn’t hang onto a nickel for 24 years we were together..I also sold off my business assets and went back into a trade that pays incredibly well and maintain health insurance for myself and my daughter..just returned from a vacation to the coast with my daughter while my ex sits in her apartment and listens to traffic. It’s kind of satisfying how it all turned out lol!

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
7 years ago

The state I’m requires a one year separation before divorce. I asked him to sign an agreement during that time but he refused saying we were going to get through this so there was no need for a formal separation, blah, blah blah or rather lie, lie, lie. When it became apparent to him that I wasn’t going to fall back to my chumpy self, he decided to stop helping with our joint bills and financially with our daughter. He went MIA, vanished, and wouldn’t respond to me. I had to track him down (not my first time, of course) and confront him before he admitted that he was done helping financially. I think he thought this would force me to fall back in line. Instead, I filed because our one year wait period was up. He was livid! I worked my ass off over the following months for a quick financial arrangement since I knew he didn’t want to go to court and all this to be public. It worked and he ended up paying more toward our joint bills and daughter than he was before. Idiot.

But it doesn’t stop there of course because once you think you’re past a hurdle, they put up another one. He had to officially pay child support for 8 months before our daughter graduated HS (btw, he didn’t ask for any custody because he didn’t want the responsibility). He decided to withhold some of the child support money. When I asked him what was going on, he said he was planning to give that money to her directly. Another lie and certainly a decision he can’t make. So that had to be dealt with. Really? only 8 months and he still had to f*ck with me.

I know the good folks of CN have endured much worse than I have and my heart goes out to each of you that have years of co-parenting and other financial entanglement with your ex. God bless each of you because it is not easy.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago

Im combining a deadbeat/karma story into one (even though I told it before).

Nowdeadhusband had lied, cheated and taken a dream job on the other side of the continent while he claimed he was wreckonciling with me and not involved with OW (who, oddly enough, was also working in the same area as his new job, but I was SO CHUMPY, I believed his assurances that they didnt see each other.

I single parented 2 teens and a elem school ager and did pretty well at it but I tried to foster them interacting when their dad was “visiting home”. Middle kid was 15 and went to a party and called home needing a ride. I told him “One of us will come get you” and he innocently asked “Mom, this other person you referred to, who are you speaking of?” yes folks, kid completely gave up on his dad to the point he was not even factored into sons thoughts.

My “he was ready to spend on ow and deadbeat his kids” story came from the time of DDay which was completely insane. OW was engaged to a high end jeweler when she fucked my husband and because he and OW were such “good friends” H told me stories about her like the fact that her engagement ring cost $39,000. In a moment of insanity when he should have been more careful about what he told me, he shared that he ha planned to replace that ring with a $40,000 one one their relationship was free to be lived out. Trouble was, he didn’t make anywhere near the money to follow through on a promise like that and our kids had like $0 college fund. He was fully moving in the direction of fucking the kids over.

That same year, in efforts to minimize his guilt and set up the process of leaving us, he bought life insurance…a term policy was much cheaper than the “survivor plan” that military retirees are offered. I had to sign for him to decline the military benefits and I was warned not to, but I was chumpy so I did as he said.

Our wreckonciliation lasted 7 more years until he died and I received a lump sum payment to finish raising my kids. Oldest failed out of college 3 times (I tried, folks), middle kid is on the 10 yr plan but mostly supports himself and I only pay for tuition when it comes up and youngest is on a fast track to success….I pay for her school, apt, car – she banks her paychecks and started an IRA at 19.

Today I have an appt to talk to my investment people about what to do with a pile of money I have had sitting in my saving acct (after I paid off my house and every debt me or the kids had) since H died…I was too scared to make that decision before, but today is the day. My new husband is also debt free and has enough saved that he never has to work again.

My story is, admittedly, a wild deviation from the norm of chump struggles (and please know there were YEARS of miserable struggle…I worked sucky night shifts to keep us going and often went 26+ hours with no sleep) but it shows that you really dont know what life is going to serve up next.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

even though we were “wreckonciled”, he was still so wildly self absorbed, his wants took precedence over any need or concern me or the kids had. He was ready to move away alone to get a “cool” job, refused to take a normal job (no matter how desperate we got) because it wasnt “fun” enough…he once talked me out of $20,000 I had saved for the kids college to fund a business venture. His buddy offered him a great job but he refused unless his friend gave him a percentage of the company (a case of dueling narcs who both felt very entitled). He bought a house and cars we could not afford then refused to get a job because he “didn’t want to”. Our last big fight was when he wanted to buy another car we couldnt afford and I would not rubber stamp my approval. He went through the house smashing things.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Oh gosh, your ex sounds incredibly juvenile and immature. Completely irresponsible and acting out by smashing things around the house. Sounds like you were married to an out of control juvenile delinquent. He also seems incredibly unstable. I don’t know how you managed to deal with him. I don’t think I could have lasted more than a few seconds with such a person. Hats off to you!

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

He was an ostensibly responsible person to the outside world; he managed to keep his shitpile very confined…and placed directly on my head. He was a wonderful son and brother. Good employee (when not fucking coworkers) and loyal Marine (ready to die for his country) but he (like his dad) was a terrible husband.

He is one of 5 kids and one has a good marriage, the other 4 are various versions of “not good partner”. His sister published a book of porn poetry /short stories about her sexual escapades..pesky detail was her husband and teen daughters. And she actually thinks people should be genuinely PROUD of her being a “published author”. She is such a dolt I actually pity her (but not enough to write her into my will like I did her sibs).

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Gee, the wonderful son and brother… nice smokescreen… They hide their crappiness so well to the point that others come to his defense and you want to tell them that they have absolutely no idea what they are talking about, but… what’s the point? The family/friends are better spacklers/enablers than we ever could be. How you could lie to your own mother to garner sympathy is low… But then again, in my experience, cheaters are good at low blows.

Kurleegirl
Kurleegirl
7 years ago

We spent 26 months in court and on the second to last round which was just the Tuesday after Father’s Day, he publically had his lawyer ask the judge “Does my client have to pay for college for his kids?” The judge, rolled up her eyes and barked “Yes”.

He spent most of our court rounds whining that I had sole custody of the kids and he now wanted joint custody, and the kids were the most important thing….but when I asked him to put his money where his mouth was…. he went into arrears for child support during the divorce and was even requested in one of the settlement for…wait for it…he’ll let me have the marital home which I alone was paying for free and clear if I would release him from paying child support AND I would refund back the child support he had paid during the court proceedings. I looked at the phone as my lawyer gave me that request like it grew a head.

Kbchump
Kbchump
7 years ago
Reply to  Kurleegirl

Holy shit ..the fucking nerve…
Grew a head ??

Done4Good
Done4Good
7 years ago

STBX hasn’t had much opportunity to be a deadbeat yet as we aren’t legally uncoupled, however a momentary peek into his dark soul at a particularly vulnerable time gave me pause to reflect about his future parenting capabilities. After about 20+ hours of labor during the birth of our daughter I was having issues with delivering. I was running a fever and my blood pressure keep dropping dangerously low. As a nurse was checking my vitals I asked him how he was doing. He hadn’t said much to me at all since we had arrived at the hospital, not offering much in support or concern (except when friends came by to visit). When I asked him if he had been able to get any rest during the night he turned to with his familiar, pissed off face and said, “What do you think? I’ve been in this stupid chair all night. No, I didn’t get much sleep. At least you’ve been lying in a bed all night.” The nurse gave me such a pity-filled look I felt like I wanted to sink under the bed. I turned to look at him and in that moment I thought to myself, there’s absolutely nothing appealing to me about this man. If I could get out of this bed right now I would walk out of this room and never look back. Of course, that didn’t happen. What also didn’t happen was an apology for being an insensitive jerk.

Off the crazy train
Off the crazy train
7 years ago
Reply to  Done4Good

Are these people even human? A sure sign of no empathy and image management when you had visitors…

My ex complained that no-one paid him much attention when I was delivering and he was made to feel like a spare part… Right. He whinged a lot when I was sick all over the floor when his pizza had been delivered to the maternity ward. I had been induced so I was having permanent constant contraction pain with no let up. Then I was sick everywhere. But the most important thing was I’d put him off his pizza. Then his FB and Twitter baby announcements didn’t even mention me at all, let alone saying I was ok, or he was proud of me, like I’d observed other baby daddies do. Nope, I didn’t exist. I wouldn’t care too much, but he talked about himself in those posts, claiming our son was a Mini-me (I.e mini him).

I have many more of these, but just one more for now… When our son was about 2-weeks old, he was cradling him while we were chatting. I can’t remember what we were talking about, be it breastfeeding or how a baby needs its mother, but what I do remember is what he said: “we’d be ok if you died.” Just like that, in the middle of a chat. I’m still a bit creeped out by that.

brit
brit
7 years ago

They’re so self centered, no matter what the circumstances. I was in labor for 24 hours while X slept on a recliner, got up to got to the bathroom, ask how much longer, got something to eat and bought it back, fell asleep again. When it came time for me to push, they woke X up, he went to change into his college T-shirt and combed his hair preparing for pictures. I ended up pushing for two hours before our son was born. In the middle of the series of pushing, and counting to 10,
X walks ups to me and says, hey, my feet really hurt from standing this long, I couldn’t believe my ears, I turned to him and said, I don’t want to hear it.., then he says, my feet hurt .., I’ve been on my feet for an hour.., wtf?

Hop skip and chump
Hop skip and chump
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

Mine said the same thing – his feet hurt!!! I was in labor then pushed for four hours only to have a c-section, yet it was all about his sore feet – ugh.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago

Kellia – ‘“but what I do remember is what he said: “we’d be ok if you died.”
Now and again, you got a glimpse into the dark bottomless pit of viciousness that is your X. He is awful. Sorry you have to parent with that demon.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago

“but what I do remember is what he said: “we’d be ok if you died.”

OMG, this sent chills down my spine. Was he planning on killing you? Why even entertain the thought that you would die and him and his child would be ok without you? I’m sorry, but did you ever consider your ex-husband was a sociopath or a psychopath. He literally stated that he’d be ok if you died. Is he even human?

cricket1114
cricket1114
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

My ex used to call me “just the host”. Apparently, they are his kids.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  cricket1114

Cricket–“just the host” *#$!@ What a fucking asshole. What did he contribute? One little swimmy thing, I’m guessing, because he sucked as much at fatherhood as he did at husband-hood.

(P.S. After all your disclosures today, your X is vying for my Top-5 ‘Tony Soprano’ treatment list. Pine Barrens, anyone?)

Tessie
Tessie
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Yep, I think you are right, Tempest. What an evil fuckwit.

SheChump
SheChump
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Kellia – ‘“but what I do remember is what he said: “we’d be ok if you died.”

Wow, this terrifies me.
I watch a lot of true crime.

When I was divorcing, I totally felt my life was in danger from this man who appeared to love me for over 3 decades and never raised a hand to me.
Very even-tempered man.
I read and watched a lot of true crime all my life, and I knew, it didn’t matter what you both were before the affair: all the tension, anger and terrible words come out. It is a VERY dangerous time for both people splitting up, especially when you don’t tell them you’ve changed the locks, and he replies he has all the guns and knows how to use them. This guy was NOT threatening at all before then, but I was very scared for the first time in my life.

Suddenly unpredictable people who can carry on a double life for 3 years is capable of a very dark side.
That much was obvious.
Thank God my family stayed with me during this time.
I had an army….and of course, my 4 Danes 🙂

Done4Good
Done4Good
7 years ago

That IS super creepy! Obviously coming from somewhere deep inside someone with no real ability to connect with human beings.

My STBX always made comments that were eerily emotionless and caused me to wonder how any human being could say those things to anyone, much less to someone they claimed to care about.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Done4Good

Mine, too. If I had a cold, he would smile and exclaim, “It’s time to find a replacement for your mom!” One of the kids told me today that used to really creeped them out.

This2ShallPass
This2ShallPass
7 years ago

I guess I am lucky because the XH pays his child support. However, in our agreement it also states that he has to pay half of extracurricular activities such as dance, volleyball, school field trips, automobile and insurance when they get to driving age, etc. He has chosen to say no to paying his half. He cries that he has no money. It only affects the children but he doesn’t care. Last year he bought a brand new three bedroom townhouse with very high monthly HOA fees, a new car and I am constantly seeing him wearing new “hookup-ware” as he likes to call it.

Really, my children have eyes. They see the refrigerator stocked with beer and the liquor cabinet overflowing. They see the new clothes and shoes. They see the weekend trips and vacations with the girlfriend. I don’t have to say a word other than mommy will be taking care of the costs.

And on another note, my daughters are not allowed to just go into his house to get their belongings. They must text or call first. My oldest daughter said to me, “I don’t understand. When I forget something at home and I walk in, you’re so happy to see me. But dad gets angry when I walk into his home.” Again, I say nothing.

It is sad that these people don’t see or care about the damage they inflict on others.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  This2ShallPass

He calls it hook up ware?! Out loud. In front of other humans. This is disgusting This2.

chump-tastic
chump-tastic
7 years ago
Reply to  This2ShallPass

Lawd, what a douche. It holds true that you don’t *have* to convince kids of the truth, or really say much of anything. Eventually, they can see it for themselves. As much as it pains you and as much as you wish they had an AMAZING dad instead of the one they got, they’re smart and eventually they see all on their own. Actions speak louder than words.

MsChumptyDumpty
MsChumptyDumpty
7 years ago

I look back and marvel at my chumpyness in comparison to Superdad’s assholery.

Superdad is a divorce attorney (I know, I know, I should have seen the signs). He has two kids born a month apart when he was in high school (but that was high school and he was a football player so NOW he is much different, right?). He came from a chronic line of cheaters but I was so “harsh” and “negative” to hone in on that because his father also taught him valuable life lessons (in between beating on and cheating on his mom).

I sometimes want to bang my head against a wall at my chumpy excuses for his behavior… he made well over $120K a year yet pre-divorce we couldn’t afford glasses for our son (where did the money go??). Right now, he’s too busy to visit with his kids each week because he decided to convert to Catholicism and has classes to take; he said other Protestant denominations were just too “grey” about right vs wrong (pretty sure cheating is clear across the board). And he insists on bullying me over the phone saying I’m a “gold digger” when I talk about child support and not ruining my credit (he’s too busy to pay his car bill on time so whoopsie, my credit is destroyed because he didn’t refinance his car out of my name). Why should he share in expenses of his children that he volunteered to do and that are well above child support costs? I should suck it up since he is too busy with work and his other kids to spend time with the babies. Or not attend his daughters birthday party because I wasn’t “welcoming enough” at his son’s party a month before (WTF? We got along fine) so his then 4 year old cried that daddy didn’t want to come to her party because he had to wash his car instead (then asked why I didn’t save him any cake… irony, right?).

Most of the time I’m meh, until he continues his douchebaggery in ways that affect our kids or my finances… unfortunately both are all too often so I’m still learning how to let go even when he’s an asshat.

Susannah
Susannah
7 years ago

This made me see RED! I got “I didn’t feel comfortable,” when I asked why he didn’t come say good bye to the kids before we moved out of state – actually four states away. I can’t begin to imagine how he can be that disconnected.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago

Love the “not welcoming enough” comment. I get the “you make things uncomfortable” comment. Why didn’t you come to the hospital when your daughter was there for 3 days? “Because of you”. Really? Seems to me that decision should have been all about her. You can bet your ass that if the situation was reversed, I would have been there regardless of whether you were there or not.

DunChumpin
DunChumpin
7 years ago

Here’s my thoughts. The system’s fucking rigged against men. The same laws that you fellow female chumps have are the same ones cheating whore wives have. I want out so fucking badly I can scream, but it will quite possibly cost me so much, I won’t be able to support myself. So do I feel badly for you women screwed by your cheating x husbands? Yes. The fact wife whore has me by the balls and I can’t viably extricate myself from this shit show? I think I’ll be emulating your scumbag exes financial behaviors sooner rather than later

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
7 years ago
Reply to  DunChumpin

I’m sorry Don, what you say is absolute bullshit. Fight or lay down and get fucked over, your choice. And no matter how hard you fight or how much money you lay out you may still get fucked. I know I did. But I am sick and tired of hearing me say the system is rigged for women. It is NOT. There are many women chumps here who got fucked over by the system. You want unbiased truth there are plenty of studies that support what I’m saying, not so much your claim. Frankly if your integrity is so low you will stoop to the shit cheaters do then WTF ever.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
7 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

hearing “men say”, not “me”.

DunChumpin
DunChumpin
7 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Thanks for sharing.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  DunChumpin

Have her sign a post-nup!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  DunChumpin

Dun, If a pregnant woman with kids can find a job, find a place to live and file for divorce, so can you. You can file for full custody or 50/50. Your STBX would have to get a job if she doesn’t have one now. And while you will certainly lose some of the assets you have in the settlement, you’ll be amazed at how fast you can recover once you aren’t saddled with a disordered person and/or a cheater.

Off the crazy train
Off the crazy train
7 years ago
Reply to  DunChumpin

I have nothing useful to say that I really, really feel for men in your situation. As if the injustice we suffer as chumps is not enough.

Although rare, bare in mind there will be women in your situation too. It’s not about gender, so much as child custody and who is the highest earner and who has the greatest need.

But I concur that it doesn’t always work fairly where morality, ethics, integrity, honesty and being a decent person is concerned. Just know, we do know the injustice you suffer.

Off the crazy train
Off the crazy train
7 years ago

There I go, missing out words again. What I meant to start with was: I have nothing useful to say, only that I really… Etc

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  DunChumpin

DunChumpin-
Documentation and a private investigator are your friend. You have to fight. If you can show your wife is using marital moneys to fund an affair, most Judges will react punitively, in all states.

There are men who have fought and won. You need a woman attorney schooled in high conflict divorces who will take her down. Women can be vicious….more so than men attorneys.

Most disordered people are cowards. You can back them up with a big show of force on the front end and get her to settle. But you have to put up your dukes.

DunChumpin
DunChumpin
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Sylvia

I got tapes, confessions, emails and texts. My first lawyer, nicely, laughed. It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. Being right doesn’t matter. Not in this state. So, I’m left with that. I’ve read your posts. We grew up near eachother. Similar comfort in dark places. I’m not looking for revenge though. Just survival. I’m getting other opinions. We’ll see.

Calmafterstorm
Calmafterstorm
7 years ago
Reply to  DunChumpin

I feel for you – I really do. But emulate our assholes at your own risk. Your children will see you hiding money, bitching about having none yet spending like there is no tomorrow. They will remember what you do, and they will neither understand it nor forgive it.

It sucks. No fault divorces are absolute bullshit. But if your kids live in poverty while you sport a new car? You will forfeit your relationship with them.

Mehphista
Mehphista
7 years ago
Reply to  DunChumpin

Resist that temptation if you can. it is never nice to be caught by the short and curlies, regardless of what genitalia you are packing. I DO feel for guys in a situation where it is automagically assumed that the Mom is the better nurterer. It equally sucks when one is presumed to be emotionally unstable because one is packing a uterus. Kids DO need parents in their lives, just not socipaths.

We can’t fix that, at least not here, and not today. The system is not rigged in favor of women or men:it is rigged in favor of the assholes.

Financial abuse is just a facet of it. My ex cleaned out our savings, pension, etc and he throws Kiddo a pittance when HE feels like it. Financially, I might as well be 21, but the birth certiciate says I am closing in on 50. Even if kids are not in the mix, half of what you worked for is better than nothing. If I had it to do again, I woild advise lawyer to take the path of swiftest and most final division of assets.

Get that done, then get a life. I’ll buy you a beer when we get to Meh.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago

My STBX has refused to give my attorney an address (we have asked 3 times). Will not answer the question about what he even wants in terms of parenting time. Is trying to hide his income from his side business by putting girlfriend on his payroll (first employee he has ever had in 17 years, her hours are zero, and made her salary equal to the net income from last year). Only spends time with the kids when it fits in his schedule (which is about 60-90 minutes maybe 3 a month). Has never (not even once) sat down to talk to the kids about his leaving, his wanting a divorce, or his dating in the last 10 months (but then sends them text messages to blame me or make them feel guilty and sorry for him). Youngest kid was in the hospital for 3 days and he didn’t visit once. Every day off he has taken has been to spend it with OW and never even asked the kids if they want to do something. Shows up at some of their games, stands off to the side, and leaves at the end without even talking to them.

Yet, he blames me for making things uncomfortable, not cooperating, and brainwashing the kids. The fact is that I simply stopped sugar coating his choices and behavior in order to protect them from the reality of who their father is, and I stopped facilitating their relationship. I no longer plan things for them or tell him every detail of what is going on in their lives, or force the kids to respond or answer their dad’s phone calls or texts. He is now responsible for managing his own relationship with them, to spend time with them, and talk with them to find out what is going on in their lives. I share their calendars with him and tell him when something medically goes on (like my daughter’s hospital stay and results of tests). The rest is up to him. He is not doing very well…

Roaring
Roaring
7 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

Getmefree, you are not an appliance. He is such an entitled jerk.

All these idiots are like middle-schoolers – it is unnerving. How do they function?

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago
Reply to  Roaring

I wonder the same thing. Then I remember that I put up with it and didn’t see most of it for 20 years. They are charming, manipulating, and masters of gaslighting. They probably do the same with everyone else in their lives.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

GetmeFree – You put up with it, because the behavior was present, but likely not directed at you. These people display weird behaviors with other people, but so long as they are willing to stay with us, and the attachment to us is there, we tolerate them. But it’s once this weird behavior gets directed at us and the person no longer wants to be with us, that we realize we don’t like this behavior. But in 99% of the time, these people had weird behaviors, it didn’t affect the attachment we had with them. It’s once the relationship is threatened and these weirdos turn that behavior on us that it becomes a wake up call for the spouse. It’s what I’ve observed.

Roaring
Roaring
7 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

I think a couple of things.

1. They are shallow and mirror back what people hope to see. And most people don’t look very hard – and the assholes like that.

2. It’s not that we’re stupid – they intentionally deceive and it’s effective because we do not expect it. I think it’s odd that treason is punishable by death but infidelity is seen as the victim’s fault. X believes I deserved this, in part, because I was dumb to trust him. I kinda believe that too.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago
Reply to  Roaring

And nobody deserves this. My STBX kept repeating “why do you think I cheated? I wasn’t happy.” Implying that I didn’t do my job to make him happy. Nobody could. When your soul is empty, you use people for whatever you want, and disrespect the very people you claim to love, happiness is unattainable. They cheated on us because they have shit for character and are entitled pricks.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago
Reply to  Roaring

They do mirror back what people want to see. Mine is capable of getting along with all kinds of people and who he presents himself as changes with who he is with. He kept his life compartmentalized. So, I didn’t see a lot of it. It wasn’t until I started checking his phone did I discover this. The words and tone he used in text messages varied widely. I was appalled at how vulgar some were to a few friends. He never talked like that around me. It is all about wearing masks.

And yes, they purposely deceived us. We were compassionate, wanted to see the best, and at least in my case, I had never met anyone who would be that deceptive. I was only 18 when I met him and I had lived a life that did not have much debauchary in it. It was all foreign to me.

I, too, am embarrassed that I fell for it and put up with it for so long. I have no desire to get involved with anyone else anytime soon. More than being afraid to trust someone else, I am afraid to trust my picker. I knew I was done with him for good when I was fine with the possibility of being alone romantically for the rest of my life as that would be preferable to ever giving him another chance.

Louisvilleflower
Louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

Exactly.
Not only did I facilitate the kids’ relationship with him, I facilitated their relationship with his family. I kept them informed, planned and prepared visits, bought Xmas and birthday gifts. Post dday, even knowing he had an affair, they went radio silence with me. I get that he is their son, but if they want a relationship with their grandkids, they should continue to at least be cordial.
It turns out I am divorcing the whole family, and, since their son is the product of them and their dysfunction, it is no big loss.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago

I have the opposite. I, too, was the one who bridged the relationship with the in-laws and kids. STBX rarely visited them (kids and I went without him) and when they came, he didn’t alter his work schedule so I was the one who spent most of the visit with them. His sister is disgusted with him and last time she came to visit, she stayed with us and didn’t even tell him she was coming. His dad and wife came a couple weeks later and stayed with us, too.

I let them both know that I wanted the kids to keep their relationships with them. I decided that I just wouldn’t talk to them about STBX, if possible. For now, it is working okay. They are not happy with the things he has done. And they love my kids. And I am pretty sure they love me too. We have been family for over 20 years.

I don’t know if that will continue as time goes on. I have to assume that eventually he will want to start bringing OW around. So, we will just keep rolling with the punches as they come.

Loveydovey
Loveydovey
7 years ago

My ex was “stay at home” #leavingkidsincar, #facebook parent of year. I pay him child support because he’s a famous local artist #underthetable. He supposedly pays for dental/medical. I’m just so sad at the storyline that he’s the victim. #livesinhousetwicetheworthofmine, #onwifenumber4withkibblesonside.

It makes me tired. How do I get to meh?!?!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Loveydovey

You might consider going back to court if he’s remarried. Her income would count toward his cost of living, at least.

Mehphista
Mehphista
7 years ago

Mr Fab pays the minimum of child support. I have 98% custody. It literally is enough for Kiddo’s lunch money. Having said he would go halfsies on occasional expenses like glasses or therapy, he has since said no way, up to and including, “Well, I didn’t agree that Kiddo needs new glasses.” I am like, “She has needed soecs since she was six, dumbass….”

I have reconciled with my footing the bill. Paying rent on an underemployed salary? Growing some of your own food? Scouring the second hand shops for clothes that aren’t too shabby so Kiddo can sing in a choir? All an expensive pain in the ass. Raising my daughter without that toxic fuckwit and his bar buddy bint around? Priceless!

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago

I have never told anyone this, as it is so shameful. But secrets make us sick, and maybe it will help me heal.

When I was with the X, he was very generous with me with money. Most of the time.

About 6-8 weeks after the D-Day, and I broke up with him, I was missing him like a desert misses the rain. I was wild. I called him and begged him to answer questions I had about us.

His money was tied up in a business snafu, and he was having money problems.

In a matter of fact, neutral and calm voice he said, and I quote:

“Give me about $7,000 and you can ask me as many questions you want.”

And then, comrades, I knew…… I was messing with a whole different beast. Not human.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Sylvia: I know most of us would pay that amount of money to find out the real, live truth about our relationships. You were so wise to know (a) that $7000 would never give you the truth from him, and (b) someone who would make that offer is too sick to tangle with.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest,
I fill like I have won a prize when I can receive counsel from you. Thank you.
Those crystallizing moments….that was one.
What a mockery of love.

sadlady15
sadlady15
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Yup this. Mine cheated on his OW with me after the separation (yes I fell off the wagon) them asked me for $65000 of my settlement money right after. ..wasn’t remotely worth that much you wackjob!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Yikes, Sylvia.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

“Give me about $7,000 and you can ask me as many questions you want.”

I can’t believe he said this. How about you don’t give him anything and he can shove his answers up his ass. Talk about being entitled and having the gall to ask you for money in return for his precious answers. Who does he think he is, the Dalai Lama, lol.

Lulu
Lulu
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Wow Sylvia… he basically wanted ransom for the truth.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

Yes.

What you wrote, Lulu, about your X sizing things up for medical benefits…that is how my X thought. He hid it so well…but he was always scheming, ten steps away of his victim.

An act that seemed selfless….never was. There was always a pay off for him. Predator.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago

He knew that I was frantic, and he knew I had the money. He knew I was so wrecked one his cheating that I was not thinking clearly.

I guess he thought it was worth a shot?

It was a moment in time…where everything slowed down….like moving underwater, his voice like a machine, warbled.

Thank you for acknowledging how bad it was. And I still miss this monster? I am glad I posted this. You are both very savvy and you see “right” away…how bad it was. HE IS.

Done4Good
Done4Good
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

As recent as 6 months ago I never would have imagined saying this, but I wish he would have ended up with OW #2 (aka the Bunny Boiler) because they so obviously deserved each other. Both are devious, selfish monsters who care little for anyone else and at least if she was still in the picture he might be more motivated to get on with the divorce.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  Done4Good

No….because then she might get to be around your little girl. That would be a REAL nightmare.

Done4Good
Done4Good
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

True, but I think that would have been short-lived. His MO is that his attention is on his “supply.” Eventually his own daughter would have taken the backseat to what was clearly his growing obsession with what he deems to be good supply. The OW became less suitable as a supply source when she failed to worship only him and ditch her fiancée. Hence she was devalued and discarded. The classic narcissist’s relationship cycle. She came back around for more but he had already moved on to another supply source by then.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Sylvia, these cheaters are masters at making us feel guilty or question whether something they have done or said is really “that bad”. Telling someone else reminds us that yes, they are really that bad and disordered.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

Yes, GetMeFree!
That is so right. My family and friends are not sophisticated like this group. They understand he is a jerk…but not that he is pathological. That my life and finances and sanity were at risk. My mother sort of gets it, but again, she is maxed out on this topic.

Done4Good
Done4Good
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

This reminded me about the finances thing. He always found a way to get me this way too. Get his debts paid off while I struggled to pay mine. Tied up our savings account so he could he get a low-interest loan to pay off a credit card. Take a tax refund and pay something of his off. For some reason my debt was always seen as all my own doing and I was on my own to pay it down. His debt was our debt. So he wanted to get a second mortgage to pay off his debts. Debts he incurred during our separation. After DD #3. After I had asked HIM if we could check into getting a better rate on a refinance and he told me NO. I’ll give you two guesses what my response was.

Roaring
Roaring
7 years ago
Reply to  Done4Good

Your story reminded me that x blamed me for not working enough (I’m a high school English teacher) because I had summers off and because I wanted my daughter to go to a good college. I felt vaguely guilty the whole time we were married: I was the reason we couldn’t have nice things.

Also, I paid for him to quit his low-paying repairman job and retrain for a new career. He was out of work for three years during this “transition.”

Anyway, he was always harping about being frugal, and my being wasteful, that it shocked me profoundly to discover that he was spending money out the wazoo on his dick.

All of our savings. I’m mad at myself for allowing my brain to create the pretzel logic needed to think this guy was a good match.

Done4Good
Done4Good
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

I get that. I left the absolute worst parts out with my family and friends. Only one dear, close friend knows most, not all, of the nightmare that was my marriage. I just don’t believe they would a) understand most of what I could tell them and b) be able to do or say anything helpful anyway. All they know is that he left us and did some pretty jerky things along the way.

Recovery has been completely on my own for the most part and had it not been for my daughter, school and work I could have completely lost myself in despair. It’s like I told my closest friend, emotional abuse is very covert. I didn’t even recognize myself that it was happening for the longest time. So how you can expect anyone to understand what you yourself haven’t even accepted is happening?

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Done4Good

I agree SIS and Doneforgood. Parents just don’t understand…. LOL That’s why we’re all here. Because the stories we tell are so unbelievable that people would have such a hard time understanding unless they themselves have experienced these types of people for themselves. I remember piecing the puzzle together and thinking, WTF, who would believe me if I told them? They do make us sound crazy, it’s incredible… The good news is that I can see the bullshit coming from a mile away now. I will NEVER let someone pull the wool over on me again. It does change you…

Done4Good
Done4Good
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

That, Sylvia, makes me feel physically sick. How truly awful.

I tell my daughter that monsters don’t exist so that she can sleep at night. How can I tell her there really are monsters, that they walk among us, tell us that they love us and then wait for the perfect moment when we’re at our most vulnerable to devour us whole?

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  Done4Good

Done4Good,
Thank you for acknowledging it. It was a nightmare.

I know your X is sociopathic. So, you understand. The X was serious. You see…the mask was entirely off. He knew I would never forgive him, so he thought…I can still get something out of this.

You see…..he KNEW how much I loved him. He SAW me vomit when I found those texts. So, he was going to go for my money. And I don’t have that much. But he knew I had something he could take from me.

You have to school your daughter about people who have no conscious and the “tells” they give off. When she is older.

One of the intake questions they ask you at The Institute is this:

How many hours do you spend out of bed each day?

Why do they ask that question? Because tangling with a sociopath leaves so many women (and men) completely non functional. Most of the summer, I spend staring at my ceiling fan or with my eyes shut, not asleep. I was a zombie. I clawed my way back to life……alone.

Roaring
Roaring
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

I’m very glad your spirit found its way to the surface. I’m also glad you’re here. I love your posts.

lostandfound
lostandfound
7 years ago

He walked out the door and said: “I think you should put the house on the market next week.” He continued to drive the car that was registered to me and for which I had to pay the car loan and car insurance, or it would have ruined my credit. He charged 64k on my Amex right before he left and I had to pay it so as not to ruin my credit. He used 55k of the Heloc, which I had to pay or it would have defaulted on the (second) mortgage. He gave me zero from the day he walked but I had to continue to pay all these bills as well as his medical insurance (through my employer) and red light camera tickets (10k) that he amassed on that car in my name. He had a cash business and made far more than I did but he said that I had all the money, I spent all the money. In the end, he gave me ZERO but he tried to get me to sell the house and I refused. He asked that my jewelry be inventoried, sold and proceeds split, and I refused. He tried to get me to buy him out of the house and I refused. I got the house (with all that debt refinanced), I got my 401k, he got his business and Schmoopie. But to think that my husband of 35 years left me without a dime- hard to believe. He said that I am the “nicest person” he knows. IS that how you treat the nicest person you know? But of course, he also abandoned his only son and has spoken to him twice in a year and a half. So it does all go together- shitty character, cheating in every possible way, lying to the people who loved him, and twisting the knife just a bit more at the end.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  lostandfound

“He said that I am the “nicest person” he knows. IS that how you treat the nicest person you know?”

To him “nice” didn’t mean sweet. It meant in his eyes you were the “doormatiest” person he knows. Someone who could be walked all over and someone whom he didn’t respect. That’s why he was barking orders at you, and telling you what to do. People like your ex-husband are disordered and the only thing they understand is someone who can put them in their place and rip them a new one. These mentally disordered folk don’t understand niceness, because to them it means being spineless. They respect you and back off, when you hit harder than they do and kick them in the teeth. It is only then they back off. Trust me, I know because I’ve been in your shoes, the nice girl, where an Ex tried to take advantage of me.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago
Reply to  lostandfound

Wow…just wow

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

What in the HELL did he charge on AmEx for 64K?

zyx321
zyx321
7 years ago

My exH is a vanilla deadbeat, just as he was a vanilla cheater.
He pays, but I have to ask every 6-7 weeks for him to pay his share of kid expenses (we have a shared file which we update). When he pays for travel tickets for youngest, he asks for immediate payment.

Eldest is two years away from college — not contact with him. I have been told he will not contribute to her college education unless a) he is included in the decision where she goes, and b) she asks him directly for the money.
Ex now has two kids 3 and under, so he is stressing over money.

So… No truly horrific deadbeat dad stories from me, just stories of my pathetically passive ex who only thinks of himself.

Mehphista
Mehphista
7 years ago