UBT: “How Having an Affair Saved My Life.”

ecardOWSorry the Universal Bullshit Translator is getting to this late. A bunch of you sent me the HuffPo piece “How Having an Affair Saved my Life” by Melissa Clark, who has a “passion for helping women learn to live their most authentic life. [sic]” (Should be lives, but I suppose you’re authentically ungrammatical, Melissa.)

The UBT’s first thought is saved your life? Seriously? You were drowning and the only thing that could save you was fucking another man? Not “Taught Me Some Unpleasant Things About Myself That I Deeply Regret?” or “Introduced Me to Mortification and Divorce,” but saved your life?

What exactly did you save? The existence one of a vapid, self-involved twit?

Anyway… to the UBT.

From a very young age my goals in life were to marry my high school sweetheart, settle down, pop out babies and be a hot mom while living a peaceful middle-class life full of granite counter tops, shabby-chic décor, and trips to Target.

God forbid you should be ordinary, middle-class, and peaceful, Melissa. Surely you were destined for greater things.

Problem was, as it turns out, I’m not a shabby-chic-straight-and-narrow-path kind of girl.

I’m a wayward, cheap, particle-board, crappy-college-dorm-furniture kind of girl. 

Another thing I don’t feel I am, in my heart of hearts, is a cheater.

Of course you don’t. It doesn’t matter what you do, it’s how you feel about it.

But while I was well on my way to achieving these goals that weren’t really my goals, I had an affair.

And it saved me.

Hang on. In the FIRST paragraph you tell us “from a very young age my goals in life were…” Now those goals aren’t your goals?

Did someone force their goals on you, Melissa? And the only way you could “save” yourself was cheating? You poor sausage.

Marriage Wasn’t The Cure-All

I had just married my high school sweetheart, and the most amazing man any woman (any woman other than me, apparently) could ask for. All he wanted were all the things I’d thought my entire life I’d wanted too.

Oh, you did want those things. Let me guess — you wanted cake. And when your affair was discovered, you claimed you never wanted love and marriage anyway! Harrumph!

Translation: If I say my chump is the Most Amazing Man anyone could ever ask for, well, it just makes me That Much More Amazing for rejecting him. I’m THAT fabulous. Really. I deserve BETTER than the man you all wish you had.

I expected that this marriage would ease the depression and anxiety I had been suffering with for years.The world I had dreamed of for as long as I could remember was there in front of me, but it didn’t make me feel any better. In fact, it made things worse. I felt trapped.

In one paragraph we’ve summoned Esther Perel (Mating in Captivity) and Elizabeth Gilbert (nebulous woe compels woman to discard her marriage in Search of Greater Meaning).

Yawn.

After we had been married for all of four months I was presented with the opportunity to have an affair. I made the choice to take it with full knowledge of the possible consequences. I really weighed all of my options and thought way past the “expected” benefits an affair would have offered: affection, attention, and a few screaming orgasms. I knew I would gain so much more if I chose to move forward, and I did.

I know I look idiotic, but I thought this out! Really! 

Not-so-subtle blameshift. You’re “gaining” affection, attention, and screaming orgasms, which apparently were missing in your four-month marriage? What, no sooner is the ink dry on the thank you cards than you’re screwing someone else? Did someone fail to purchase the gold-plated cocktail shaker off your Williams Sonoma registry? You were plunged into the depths of despair?

More kibbles… must have more kibbles…

Much To Learn

It was certainly an unconventional way to learn about myself.

I’m not a horrible person. I’m unconventional.

But I figured one of two things would happen. I would have this affair, learn what I needed, and use that knowledge to improve my life and my new marriage. Or I would have this affair, learn that I shouldn’t have gotten married at all, and get out.

I fucked someone else with the greatest of intention — to improve my marriage… Or divorce after four months. Anyway, whatever I did, it was Noble.

In the end I realized I needed to end my marriage instead of fight to make it work. I learned that I would probably never be fulfilled while in a relationship with this wonderful man, and it seemed best to get out (embarrassingly) early than wait for years until I couldn’t take it anymore and things were inevitably more complicated.

The “complications” are always inevitable.

Up until this point I had always been the pleaser. I had always judged my own worth by the way I was viewed by other people. Choosing to let someone down was an extremely painful step to take, even before I got caught. And of course when it all blew up in my face, as it was bound to, the pain was like nothing I’d ever felt before.

Yo! You didn’t CHOOSE to let your chump down — you got caught.  You took exactly ZERO “painful steps.” You were busted.

Anyway, whatever I did, it was Noble.

A Forced Fresh Start

I got caught before I had the balls to break the news to my husband, and understandably, shit hit the fan. My bank accounts were closed, my credit cards were cancelled, and the locks to my front door were changed. I literally had to start over. I had no job at the time, and was given half of what was in our bank account, which was $200. I had never been so miserable.

Only $200? How will you ever shop at Target again?

I had also never been so relieved.

For the first time in my life I couldn’t care what everyone else thought. My bad behavior was already on display for all to judge, and it didn’t make me look good. I knew I couldn’t take it back, and honestly, I didn’t want to.

Judge me! For I Am Unconventional! You sad, provincial Shabby Chic plebeians fail to understand My Greatness and the Affair For Which There Was a Higher Purpose!

I just had to embrace my decisions and move forward. I knew I’d find my way, and as long as I wasn’t murdering kittens or robbing banks I couldn’t let anyone around me down any more than I already had. I felt petrified and liberated all at once.

No kittens were harmed in the fucking of another man.

From there I began to cultivate and live by my own standards. I challenged just about every rule I could think of, just to see if I wanted to break it. Some of them I did, and some I did not. In short, I began to learn who I was and live as Myself.

I challenged every rule Just Because. Anal sex, insider trading, and jaywalking? Yes. I went there. I also wore white after Labor Day. 

Don’t judge me.

Living My Truth

It hurts like hell to hurt people you love, especially when you actively choose to hurt them. And yes that’s people, plural. When you hurt your spouse you also hurt the people who love him, and those who trusted you. But what would have hurt even more were the years upon years I would have spent living a life that was not for me, simply because I was trying to keep others from feeling any pain at all.

What matters here is ME. I had to hurt you to be ME and ME is years and years of plural people who care about ME. Did I mention ME? MememememeemememememeMEMEMEMEmemememME!

Many people have lectured me,

I’m like blah, blah, Charlie Brown adult voice, blah, whatever.

saying I could have achieved the same results without doing something so unforgivable. But they are wrong. I never would have led myself down a path less traveled.

I am Robert Fucking Frost.

I had to have someone else show me that it existed. After that I was able to find the route that worked for me.

Looking way back, I wish there had been a guide to show me who I really was

Hang on. I thought the problem was that you were a pleaser and people impose their goals on you. But what you really need is a GUIDE to show you who you ARE?

Oh! I know a guide! Her name is Melissa Clark and she teaches women to live their Most Authentic Lives! OMG, you shattered Mr. Amazing Chump’s world so you could be a life coach!

before I put myself and the people I loved in this situation. But there wasn’t. If this were the only way (and I’m telling you I truly believe it was) to learn how to live my truth, then the lesser of two evils, for both me and my ex-husband, is without a doubt the affair.

Cheating was the Lesser Evil to be not being my Authentic douchey self. Now I am free to be openly, unrepentantly horrid. 

I am currently in a committed, loving, healthy, (yet slightly unconventional) relationship with a wonderful man and I am fulfilled in a way I never knew possible. This is not only a testament to him, but to me for learning what I need, giving it to myself and finding a partner who is able to fill in the gaps.

Are the orgasms screaming? I give it four months before another guy (cough) “fills your gaps.”

My affair didn’t just change my life. It taught me how to live my life. And in that way, it saved me.

(UBT sputters and dies.)

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Supreme Chump
Supreme Chump
8 years ago

What an asshole. Does she realize she could help just told her husband that she didn’t want to be married and accept responsibility for her poor judgment in getting married?
Honest communication could have “saved” her also and would not have hurt her “wonderful” husband.

Deloris
Deloris
8 years ago
Reply to  Supreme Chump

Amen Supreme Chump!

What a slunt. Ugh!

Love the way her husband shut the fuck down the kibble supply and drop kicked her sorry not sorry ass to the kerb.

moxie
moxie
8 years ago
Reply to  Deloris

I second that.

Bravo, Ex Mr. Melissa Clark! Well done shutting that shit down!

Miss Sunshine
Miss Sunshine
8 years ago
Reply to  Supreme Chump

Wellllllll, if she thought about anyone besides herself, and had the maturity to show a modicum of self-restraint, and if she had a teeny bit of impulse control, then she wouldn’t be a skeevy cheater.

Oh, well, at least she is giving a voice to proud cheaters everywhere. There are a lot of sorry, spineless jerks everywhere who will lap this shit up.

insistonhonesty
insistonhonesty
8 years ago
Reply to  Supreme Chump

Right? Geez. She broke his heart and shattered his ability to trust in exchange for the kibble-seeking, four-month pursuit of an upper-middle class lifestyle that she didn’t “feel fulfilled” by? Nice. And she considered that to be some sort of sacrifice on her part? Twat.

Supreme Chump
Supreme Chump
8 years ago
Reply to  Supreme Chump

*have, not help

QueenDingbat
QueenDingbat
8 years ago
Reply to  Supreme Chump

Took the words right out of my mouth.

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago
Reply to  QueenDingbat

Wow, that was a good one CL! OMG, she’s just shocking, totally shocking. I can see how “noble” it was (insert sarcasm). No wonder the UBT sputtered and died. I was sputtering and dying while reading. So very very out there that people think this way, that justification is still well, alive, and strong in the world of narcissist cheaters. She reeks of narcissism. And let me get this straight, did you say she’s a life coach now? Wow, imagine learning from such an exemplary person (yes, insert more sarcasm). Just OMG, omg!

VeniVidiVerily
VeniVidiVerily
8 years ago

WOW. What a horribly selfish, awful and craptastic excuse of a human being. She’s everything I hope to never, ever be!

Nicole S
Nicole S
8 years ago
Reply to  VeniVidiVerily

Oh but now she can teach other women how to live their most authentic lives. Gag. I wouldn’t want her teaching me how to make toast. Really vile person. And by person I mean narcissistic monster.

Alex
Alex
8 years ago
Reply to  Nicole S

Hahaha toast. Love this.

nodancing
nodancing
8 years ago

Omg the people pleaser line! Cry me a river!I got that one two. It baffled me as I recall for 13 years he did WHATEVER HE WANTED.

Alex
Alex
8 years ago
Reply to  nodancing

So… She is a people pleaser and to escape that she didn’t say no and remain moral, and end her marriage to figure out why she wanted to open her shop of horrors to more people… Instead she people pleased the husband by lying pretending faking her way through what sounds like a perfectly pleasant life…, and people pleased the AP by doing all the shiz she was encouraged to do… And had all the agency in the world to say no to. And ended up with 200 bucks and a fresh start. Where was AP and those thunderous orgasms then? Seriously. She wants people to own their truth? She’s a shitty person. That’s the truth.

DoneNow
DoneNow
8 years ago
Reply to  nodancing

I think we were married to the same man, except mine liked hookers. Did NOTHING. But always said he was making sacrifices and wasn’t appreciated. Screamed at me that I always had to win and get my way. Said I was on a power trip and everything was about controlling him. Projection much??

Bel
Bel
8 years ago
Reply to  DoneNow

Mine liked hookers too. But “at least it wasn’t affair! I didn’t want to fall in love! I love you!”
Gag

Alex
Alex
8 years ago
Reply to  Bel

Anything that puts my sexual health at risk which I don’t know about is an affair. There’s other stuff that counts too, but sorry… Other stuff touching your bits kindof counts, I don’t care where your heart is.

nuclear tuna
nuclear tuna
8 years ago
Reply to  Alex

Sooo many great comments in this great UBT article, but this was laugh out loud funny… “other stuff touching your bits kindof counts”. Great stuff.

nuclear tuna
nuclear tuna
8 years ago
Reply to  nuclear tuna

And by “stuff” I mean hilarious comment.

NCStevie
NCStevie
8 years ago
Reply to  nodancing

he did WHATEVER HE WANTED….

^^^THIS^^^ X-hole described in 3 words. About one year in I was shaking my head in tears and asking his best friend’s wife “did he treat his ex-wife like this?” She was vague, understandably and simply said “X is always going to do what he wants to do, he always has”. I have never forgotten those words. I should have LISTENED!!!

newchumpatl
newchumpatl
8 years ago
Reply to  nodancing

Our stories are so similar nodancing… mine also gave me the people pleaser line. He’s given and given and given and I’ve never done anything! Never stood by him during tough times, been his best friend, bore and took care of his children. Nope… it was all about him.

Mine also always did what he wanted. Somehow though, he was unhappy for 20 years, or so he says.

itsAJourney
itsAJourney
8 years ago
Reply to  newchumpatl

Disgusting! Mine told me that he realized (in counseling) that he’s always been burdened with the leadership role, citing the fact that he was a high school quarterback and pitcher. I stifled a laugh when he told me. Ummm… really? Even if throwing a ball did grant him a cheater exemption, it was 30 years ago!!! What a joke! Maybe it’s because we got married young? Oh wait, I did that too.

Chumpette
Chumpette
8 years ago
Reply to  newchumpatl

“Mine also always did what he wanted. Somehow though, he was unhappy for 20 years, or so he says.”

ditto.

except XH started off saying he was only unhappy the last years. this line morphed to the whole marriage after divorce and when he moved in with Twu Wuv. BUT while packing up marital home of 20+ years, i found a letter from then husband’s mom to him. we had been married about 5 years, which for me were the hardest (relocation for him, postpartum fatigue, etc) and she said that she had never seen him so HAPPY in his life. i also recall people saying things like ” happy couple, happy kids” to us.

i had forgotten about all that until just now.

btw, i am happy today 😉

Chumpette
Chumpette
8 years ago

glad this is filed under narcissism. my own UBT also detects strong relational sociopathy.

Clark’s “thinking” looks and sounds just like XH’s. it is so helpful to see it all for what it really is now.

these types of people should come with warning labels.

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
8 years ago

“I felt trapped.” That’s a common line. She fails to acknowledge that she built her own “cage.” Why not choose NOT to get married if you are just going to cheat 4 months into it?!

“I am currently in a committed, loving, healthy, (yet slightly unconventional) relationship…” Is she cheating with a married man? Is that what she means by “slightly unconventional”?

Sounds more like she like enjoying “forbidden fruit” and not so much the consequences of doing so.

kb
kb
8 years ago

Yep.

I can smell the NPD from here.

Narcs don’t do commitment in the normal sense of the word. I’m sure that for her, commitment means having sex with only one (married) person at a time. Once that affair is discovered/ended, she goes to the next. The whole “for richer or poorer, for better or worse, in sickness and health” is not where her head is at, though it is probably not a good idea to visualize where her head might be…

nuclear tuna
nuclear tuna
8 years ago
Reply to  kb

Sooo right about how narcs don’t do commitment like the rest of the humans walking the earth.

Mine had been so intense about how committed he was and how perfect we were for each other… until our first argument, after which he was all contrite and asked me if “the well was poisoned”. Huh?? After one fight he’s looking for signs that it’s over? I should have realized then that the well was a mirage from the start. He knew it but I was blinded by sparkles and hopium.

Hesatthecurb
Hesatthecurb
8 years ago
Reply to  kb

kb—you are SOOOO right they don’t do ‘commitment’ in the normal sense. I have a real doozy of a warped example:

The XBF broached he wanted us to express our commitment to each other by wearing already owned rings to symbolize it. The way it was presented to me was so sweet and made me feel even more beloved by him (yeah, I was blinded by the narc sparkle love bomb dust).

About 30 minutes after that conversation, he announced he had a business commitment for that evening. I was surprised and disappointed to say the least.

Well, guess what? That business commitment was actually a booty call with his enduring ‘former girlfriend’……he and she made a pact to wear ‘commitment’ rings that day too.

He tells me I’m the only woman he wants to be with, “let’s wear rings to solidify that commitment for all the world to see” and turns around and does the same shit with his personal whore a few hours later.

crushed
crushed
8 years ago
Reply to  Hesatthecurb

same ring?!!??

Hesatthecurb
Hesatthecurb
8 years ago
Reply to  crushed

He had a variety of men’s ‘fashion’ rings and I planned to wear my wedding band (from former marriage because it’s fabulous and I missed wearing it).

I learned about this little scenario from his personal whore. Of course he denied it but how in the hell could I have made that up, much less why would I?

Anonymous Coward
Anonymous Coward
8 years ago
Reply to  Hesatthecurb

// , That’s… that’s actually pretty clever. That thing has a heart of stone.

Kelly
Kelly
8 years ago
Reply to  Hesatthecurb

Shaking my head….

WhereisMia
WhereisMia
8 years ago
Reply to  Hesatthecurb

What a low life

newchumpatl
newchumpatl
8 years ago

Consequences are YUCKY

phoebenix
phoebenix
8 years ago
Reply to  newchumpatl

lol

Nord
Nord
8 years ago

So she had to bang another guy four months into her marriage in order to figure out she shouldn’t have gotten married? Yeah, ok. I like the way her ex handled it, though: locks changed, credit cards cancelled, no more fucking cake. I hope he found someone wonderful once he recovered.

Red
Red
8 years ago
Reply to  Nord

Cutting him off was my first instinct, too. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it – I had to keep things together for “the good of the children.” If I had to do it all over again – I pray I never do – but if I did, he would be out on Dday. No cake eating, no months of “it’s complicated,” no nothing. Just him and his sh*t on the curb. End of story.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
8 years ago
Reply to  Red

Red, I really, really wanted to do the throw him out and shit on the curb thing. I threw all his favorite things on the lawn one night, because he was across the street yet again, 10 PM at night and he’s in her house. His clothes, best stereo equipment, and big pizza peel (in his imagination he was a big chef)!
He called the cops, and they told me- put it all back in the house, you can’t do that!!
And THAT is why I don’t know if I ever want to get married again, or buy property together. If they’re on the deed, they can cheat and treat you like shit, and your hands are tied!

Marezy doats
Marezy doats
8 years ago
Reply to  FreeWoman

Is that actually right, or were the police trying to defuse the disagreement? Seems to me that if you are married that is actually your pizza peel, and you have a perfect right to throw it in the trash if you want. I know you cant change the locks, or evict him, since the house is joint. But if you want to run over *your* expensive stereo in your driveway at 10 at night, I dont see what law is stopping you.

nuclear tuna
nuclear tuna
8 years ago
Reply to  Marezy doats

Heh! That reminds of a movie I’ve forgotten the title, but the scene where she loads all his shit into his car and sets it on fire in the driveway, and the fire department is unable to do anything about it, is unforgettable. Wish I’d thought of that.

Blown Away
Blown Away
8 years ago
Reply to  nuclear tuna

Howling here…I love it!

Blown Away
Blown Away
8 years ago
Reply to  Blown Away

Actually, my X was worried about that very thing. I gave him 48 hours to get his shit out of the house via text on DDay. (First I threw him out after he gave me the the wrong answer.) He has a friend come over the next morning to help him get his stuff out and friend says to X, “what do we tackle first?” Scumbag replies, “My Porsche. I need to get it away from here…she’s going to burn it!!!” blahhhhaaaa….

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
8 years ago
Reply to  Marezy doats

Hmm, I wish I had thought of that- that shit was half mine! This was in Utah, which can be backwards sometimes ( although I did LOVE our female judge, she saw through his tricks right away).
What I was saying was, you have to go through the court to get the cheater out, if you put their stuff on the curb, you might have the cops called on you, the house is half theirs.

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
8 years ago
Reply to  Red

Ditto Red. Wish I did it that day especially since our children were adults at the time.

Kim
Kim
8 years ago
Reply to  Red

We have a daughter too and when I found out I told my ex that my heart was open to him and I was willing to work on things if he was willing to, but he needed to end it with her, immediately, and go to therapy with me. I said that I didn’t know how long my heart was going to be open but when it closed (could be in a day or a week or a year) it would be closed forever so if he wanted to work on things he needed to act quickly. He ate cake for a month while I tried to be as sweet as could be so he’d pick me. Then when I discovered via phone records that he was still talking to her all the time I called him at work and told him time was up, heart closed, and filed for divorce immediately. I don’t regret keeping my heart open for a bit. I don’t really regret doing the pick me dance. If I hadn’t I think I would have always wondered if we could have reconciled. Now I know. I also know that I’m strong as shit and when I say something I stick to it.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
8 years ago
Reply to  Kim

I did the same thing Kim, I disregarded his words, and only observed his behavior for two weeks.

During that time, he chose to contact his AP instead of working with me on our marriage. I have no regrets about these two weeks as I needed them to realize that my marriage was dead.

Going through the divorce is turning out to be a very painful journey to merely get our marriage’s death certificate.

MidlifeBlast
MidlifeBlast
8 years ago
Reply to  Chumptitude

Ha ha! I did the same only mine went and impregnated his AP. What a nice man.

ANC
ANC
8 years ago

Having affairs, Serial cheating, Sourcing RubMaps and Employing prostitiutes Made Me A Better Father!

Quote from the asshole I married. These are only some of the things he did over a 20+yr marriage to help him be an Awesome Dad. His very own Eat, Spend, Fuck story of woe and Death by a Thousand Cu(n)ts!!!

Same story, different gender.

ItsAJourney
ItsAJourney
8 years ago
Reply to  ANC

RubMaps… how does this site still exist???! Can’t they just go down the list and shut down any massage parlor with more than 2 stars??? I know it won’t slow the cheaters down, but C’MON! And btw, mine had unprotected sex with one of these massage parlor workers… then proceeded to send money to her in Japan when she was recycled. Twu wuv I’m sure.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  ItsAJourney

‘cuz nothing says true wuv like having to pay for it….

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
8 years ago
Reply to  ANC

My cheater sounds a lot like ANC’s. Months after D-Day #1, my cheater said that he didn’t regret doing all these bad things as doing them helped him discover who he was. I agree–he learned that he was a vow- and law-breaking person without conscience.

LadyStrange
LadyStrange
8 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Hahahaha “Death by a Thousant Cu(n)ts. LMAO!!!

CodependentChump
CodependentChump
8 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Death by a Thousand Cu(n)ts…….. LOL!!!

This must be what my PigFucker was trying to avoid when he turned to the M4M Casual Encounters ads after all that PigSlop.

Crimson Comet
Crimson Comet
8 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Mine was 17 year, but the rest is word for word true. Love it.

Rarity
Rarity
8 years ago

Kudos to her chump for immediately kicking this whore to the curb, securing the bank accounts, and changing the locks. Kudos for not doing the pick-me dance or going through false reconciliation. Wherever you are, ChumpNation salutes you.

kb
kb
8 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

Yep. She’s moaning about how she has only $200, but not thinking about how she potentially exposed her husband to STDs, violated his faith in her, etc.

Yeah, she’s authentic, all right. Genuine Imitation Naugahyde. It doesn’t get any more authentic than that!

J.R. Chumped
J.R. Chumped
8 years ago
Reply to  kb

I think the REAL reason is in the $200 detail. If, after 4 months of marriage, there was “only” $400 in savings (she was NOT working), there wasn’t enough money coming in to support her life-long-goals financially. ie, Target, chabby-chic, etc…. Her perfect husband wasn’t making enough money, and she went out “shopping” somewhere besides Target to find someone “better”…cause that’s what Narcs deserve! Better!

chumpnomore
chumpnomore
8 years ago
Reply to  Rarity

Yes, I was thinking exactly that. Her ex husband is the one who deserves all the admiration. What a smart chump! I encore the salute and admire his behaviour.

THis Melissa person is so lame and has no shame! She is such a narc that she uses her real name and picture, which means she thinks that by writing about it everyone will understand her and think that she-did-the-right-thing considering her soul-searching after thoughts. When she is in another moment of her advancing consciousness she will do the same thing to her new partner. I hope he reads this so that he is advised on who he is dealing with…most likely another chump in the making.

Morgan
Morgan
8 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore

I take it the loss she experienced (no home, no credit cards, only $200) is the “painful part.” Not once does this self-absorbed non-adult specify her husband’s pain. Just that it was really tough when the people who cared about him, as in not her, were mad at her. I can honestly say I’ve reached meh because I rarely, if ever, think of the guy who cheated on me (and no longer even call him “my cheater” or even “my ex”). If I do think of him, it’s in bewilderment that people live their lives and exist the way these weirdos do. It’s like they were raised solely on soap operas and high fructose corn syrup. Nothing substantial.

newchumpatl
newchumpatl
8 years ago

The entitlement in this post is breathtaking. You know what is best about her stupid diatribe? The fact that her Chump cut off her bank accounts, put locks on the doors and kicked her sorry ass to the curb.. well done, Mr. Chump.. wherever you are.. for having the guts to get rid of this vapid bitch.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
8 years ago
Reply to  newchumpatl

WORD!

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
8 years ago
Reply to  newchumpatl

Yeah, I hope her ex has moved on to a decent woman. Thank God they weren’t together long enough to have kids, because Melissa Clark is going to be a Cat 5 hurricane in every life that gets too close to her path of destruction.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago

Is Elizabeth Gilbert now writing under a pseudonym?

The UBT has had to work so hard recently, between the Salon article, and Wat7000’s ex-wife’s drivel. It may need maintenance and a lube job. So many favorite lines to choose from in this UBtranslation, but perhaps, “No kittens were harmed in the fucking of another man.” rises to the top?

CodependentChump
CodependentChump
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

My choice of favorite line from this translation are a tossup between:

~”MememememeemememememeMEMEMEMEmemememME.”. And

~”I am Robert Fucking Frost”! And

~ “I give it four months before another guy (cough) “fills your gaps.”

I just love them all equally!!!

Kelly
Kelly
8 years ago

Me too ?

Meg
Meg
8 years ago

Me too! I will be laughing all day about the “filling her gaps” line! What a pathetic narc/sociopath! This sense of Entitlement is the illness of our times. Worse than the plague.

insistonhonesty
insistonhonesty
8 years ago

It hurts like hell to choose to hurt the people you love? Uhh… then you don’t love them. You wouldn’t choose to hurt them. Someone, sometime, somewhere told her that betraying people who trust her is A Difficult Thing and she mirrored it. All the hurt she feels is the lack of kibbles from the people she’s betrayed.

heh. She’d probably read this and say, “Yeah. Isn’t that what I just said? lol”

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
8 years ago

When I need to learn important life lessons, I look to the person who loves and trusts me the most in the world, and I beat them over the head with a baseball bat. Because that’s what I need for me! After all, it’s all about ME, my journey, my struggles, my needs.

I’m sorry there is collateral damage, well sorta, but it couldn’t be helped. I’m a much better person now! If I hadn’t pulled my ankles to my ears at that Super 8 four months into my marriage with my AP, I wouldn’t be the living this fine, authentic “unconventional” life now, (with my married man, whom I’m fucking whenever he can spare a couple hours.)

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

OMG, Rumblekitty! This line made me choke on my lunch, laughing: “If I hadn’t pulled my ankles to my ears at that Super 8 four months into my marriage with my AP…”

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I guess I spoke out of turn there. She’s actually now in an “open relationship” because, and I quote, “There are things that I want out of my sex life that he, through no fault of his own, is not capable of providing. And the same is true of me for him. Why wouldn’t we seek to have those needs met elsewhere?”

I’d wager her ex-husband would have liked to have known she needed to get her “needs” met elsewhere. What a scumbag.

Lania
Lania
8 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

The most fucked thing of all is, is that a mutually satisfying relationship is exactly that – mutually satisfying – that you WANT to please the other person. You know, actually SAYING “I would like to experiment with (insert kink flavour here)” and your partner trying it with you – then deciding through compromise if thats what floats your boat.

She’s basically saying “I am too much of a fucking lowlife to make my needs known because they are vapid and pathetic and because its all about me, I’m going to be a passive-aggressive moron to achieve it. Oh, and I’m not even going to ask if my partner would enjoy it, because fucking some strange will do it better”

Drew
Drew
8 years ago
Reply to  Lania

Lania, For the WIN! I believe my POS ex could never ask for what he needed; the disordered can not be honest let alone communicate. Fact is he sucked in bed (withholding, uptight, selfish, and later the ICK factor w/no reciprocity there, ugh), but with a little extra on the side I bet his sex life was great! Strange (new fuckbuddy, new sex), and comforting familiarity with the clueless loving spouse.

Lania
Lania
8 years ago
Reply to  Drew

Nah – he’d just be the same selfish fucking self he was with you – just that his whore puts up with that crap.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
8 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

I bet what she “needs” that her current fuck buddy can’t provide is the periodic excitement of a dick that is married to someone else, but secretly swimming in her polluted waters.

sephage
sephage
8 years ago

Oh. My. GAWD.

Whenever I hear total bullshit like the kind getting shoveled out in that HP piece, I channel my inner Yondu:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0FCcjwV9Kw

So… let me get this straight…

This woman had only one choice for self-development, which involved lying/cheating/fucking-around? That makes absolutely NO SENSE. None. It completely ignores the dozens, upon dozens, upon dozens of alternatives that don’t involve getting one’s jollies through morally-decrepit means.

Never mind that the wold oats phase of our development ought to be done in, say, our twenties, and while dating.

Man, what an asshat. Whenever I feel bad about my behavior, I’m going to come back and read this self-serving drivel and give myself a nice little pat on the back for not being a waste of oxygen on this planet.

Lania
Lania
8 years ago
Reply to  sephage

Thing is, the ‘wild oats’ thing is pretty pathetic too. How about saving a gift for someone you ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT – rather than just giving it to every whore around the corner.

In fact, people having lots of partners is a red flag.

Done&done
Done&done
8 years ago
Reply to  sephage

That’s fucking fantastic. It never occurred to me to pat myself on the back for not being an asshat. But I deserve it.

sephage
sephage
8 years ago
Reply to  Done&done

I’d be willing to wager that most chumps deserve it. Seeing an “article” such as that HuffPo piece really puts it into sharp focus though, doesn’t it?

LiningUpDucks
LiningUpDucks
8 years ago

Awesome, CL. Hope you don’t mind if I add a few of my own.

“I learned that I would probably never be fulfilled while in a relationship with this wonderful man…”
Yeah, and I bet he wouldn’t be fulfilled either, with you fucking other people.

“…best to get out early than wait for years until I couldn’t take it anymore…”
Couldn’t take ‘what’ anymore, exactly? Being married to an admittedly wonderful man?

“I got caught before I had the balls to break the news to my husband…”
Probably 500 years before…because you never would have had the balls.

“I challenged just about every rule I could think of, just to see if I wanted to break it.”
So….still haven’t murdered any kittens yet? Just checking.

“But what would have hurt even more were the years upon years I would have spent living a life that was not for me, simply because I was trying to keep others from feeling any pain at all.”
Wow, so even the fact that you got married in the first place was so Sacrificial of you. You and Mother Theresa really do have so much in common.

“I never would have led myself down a path less traveled.”
There is no other path because I was, is, and always will be, a whore. And cheating is sooo unique.

“If this were the only way (and I’m telling you I truly believe it was) to learn how to live my truth, then the lesser of two evils, for both me and my ex-husband, is without a doubt the affair.”
I guarantee you that the lesser of two evils for your HUSBAND would not be you cheating on him after four short months.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
8 years ago
Reply to  LiningUpDucks

“But what would have hurt even more were the years upon years I would have spent living a life that was not for me, simply because I was trying to keep others from feeling any pain at all.”

My ex was once written up in a vanity piece in our local newspaper. He actually said that his father was abusive to him as a child and made him “accept” a life of ordinary work and marriage. But now that he has left that behind, he is following his dreams and is a big inspiration to others. Ironically, his new life has ended up with him once again living with his dad because he had nowhere else to go.

LiningUpDucks
LiningUpDucks
8 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

He thinks he is below a life of “ordinary work and marriage”? This seems to be a narc trait (my ex also believed this about himself), i.e., they think they truly are better than everyone else. I am definitely thinking more and more that narcs have a hugely over-inflated sense of self-worth and really do think they are better than the rest of us.

Dr. I Can't Believe I'm a Chump
Dr. I Can't Believe I'm a Chump
8 years ago

I think I’m most offended by her hating on Shabby Chic. That, and her poorly edited follow-up piece about open relationships where she states our legal system equates adultery to beatings. Not quite, dear.

Dr. I Can't Believe I'm a Chump
Dr. I Can't Believe I'm a Chump
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

It’s really just sage wisdom or musings or something (I don’t know what) about her decision to be in an open relationship. Just click on her name for more pieces.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/Melissa-Clark/why-I-choose-an-open-rela_b_8225786.html.

Alex
Alex
8 years ago

There’s so much word salad in that peice I don’t really understand how an editor read it and gave it a pass. Blah blah people might do other mean things in marriage so why is cheating so bad. Um… Because it’s on purpose. I might hurt someone’s feelers unintentionally, and if it’s intentional it goes over to the abuse side of things, which is the other reason for absolute divorce… Problem solved. you fell on his schlong 100% intentionally. And it’s not because sex is on a pedestal it’s because within a marriage without defined open parameters, you will need to define intimacy with your partner, and be honest about your maintenance of this- because they are your ‘first’ in most respects. (it’s in one of those silly vow things you agreed to in that totally useless legally binding ceremony you were part of). And when you decide to have intimacy with someone other than your avowed partner, without their consent, that’s intentional abuse. So abuse through physical or other defined abuse, or abuse through infidelity… Same same. I don’t give a shit if you wash your floors with a toothbrush so you can do something with your irresistible house maid or let your boyfriend bang his car buddies, because… He knows about it, you know about it.., that’s what makes it not abusive.

I actually wish more people would just stamp “open” or “yeh monogamy” on their hand or something, so that we could weed out the assholes but that would get them a lot less cake…

Trumaine Kinsey
Trumaine Kinsey
8 years ago
Reply to  Alex

I am in an open relationship and it takes more work than anyone would guess. Iso hard to be so honest with your self and your spouse. However, I’may very glad my wife had the guts to admit this was something on her mind before she did anything. It mist have been very scary for her to talk about because who is going to have a positive reaction to that conversation?

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
8 years ago

Awe! She even has her own little blog. She talks about making choices and embracing them, like when you opt to eat pizza instead of work out. I shit you not.

Favorite quote: “There’s something liberating in NOT feeling guilt when one is “supposed” to (yes, some may call that sociopathy, but hey, if that’s the case I’m a physically fit sociopath.) I relish the moments I’m eating for enjoyment and vegging on the couch. When I own my choices and take the shame out of them it turns out I don’t really want the pizza that often. I know I can have it whenever I want. I just have to deem it worth the consequences.”

Um, yeah.

Melissa, you are one dumb bitch.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
8 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

She admits she is a sociopath. At least she is honest about something.

CodependentChump
CodependentChump
8 years ago

Death by a Thousand Cu(n)ts…….. LOL!!!

This must be what my PigFucker was trying to avoid when he turned to the M4M Casual Encounters ads after all that PigSlop.

DoneNow
DoneNow
8 years ago

I have two words for this woman-COMMUNITY COLLEGE. It’s an excellent opportunity to discover who you are without the commitment of university tuition or having to clobber people emotionally. Just think about it, please.

Anonymous Coward
Anonymous Coward
8 years ago
Reply to  DoneNow

// , I don’t know, community college teachers have to put up with enough, as it is.

nic
nic
8 years ago

Back up, sister: an affair presented itself? was there an erect penis at your front door? NFW. The only time that’s happened to me is when Amazon delivered my vibrator. Which I needed because my husband was ironically fucking someone like you. This navel-gazing-justification don’t-judge-me shit makes my head spin.

Kelly
Kelly
8 years ago
Reply to  nic

“was there an erect penis at your front door?”

Still laughing at that visual

DeeL
DeeL
8 years ago
Reply to  Kelly

I, too, am still laughing at that visual. It changes from a giant 5 foot penis just knocking on my door to an erect penis, just floating there waiting to fill in some “gaps”.

Sah
Sah
8 years ago
Reply to  DeeL

Kind of like those Halloween decorations that slowly run out of air and eventually lie sadly on the ground. Awwwww.

imadeitthrutherain
imadeitthrutherain
8 years ago
Reply to  nic

Lol! My soon to be ex sent our child an email trying to justify his reason for abandoning us for his affair partner. He “HAD to take this Opportunity because it might be his last chance for love” I was presented with many “Opportunities” during our marriage when old boyfriends tracked me down. I never replied or called them back.

The lengths these Cheaters go to trying to JUSTIFY their affairs is mindboggling. Revisionist history. Rewriting your whole marriage together and children’s childhood to make it appear to be something they SUFFERED through???

Who are they REALLY trying to convince? The affair partner? Themselves?

DeeL
DeeL
8 years ago

The ex said that he “deserved to be happy”, what as opposed to the amounts of sheer torture he lived in his marriage and being a father. ex just couldn’t “understand” why our kids were not on board with his new happiness trip. You just don’t tell the people in your former life that they contributed to your total unhappiness. The mind boggles at their thought processes.

Chump April
Chump April
8 years ago
Reply to  DeeL

You sound like a friend of mine. Her kids are disgusted with their Dad due to all the times he cancelled his weekend with his kids to be with his new girlfriend. The Entitlement is unbelievable. And telling people how they contributed to the cheaters unhappiness especially when they never discussed being unhappy with any of them before starting the affair!

Done&done
Done&done
8 years ago

Huh. What is it with all these cheating exes writing to their children to justify their behavior? That seems like a real dick move to me. To try to convince your kid that cheating is justified sometimes. My complete disregard and lack of respect for your mom is justified. Because love. Gross gross gross.

Chump April
Chump April
8 years ago
Reply to  Done&done

The cheaters not only write this garbage to their kids but then wonder why the kids never write back. That mindfuck email sent our grieving child into a full blow depression. Still working with doctors and medications and trying to undo the damage.

zyx321
zyx321
8 years ago
Reply to  Chump April

Mine, too, except she also attempted suicide and sent ex a text–now you will iisten.

CodependentChump
CodependentChump
8 years ago
Reply to  nic

You know how these things happen!!! Come on Nic, erect penises happen to fall into wide open passing vaginas all the time!!! Ask any Chump here!!! 😉

Kim
Kim
8 years ago

When my ex says that “it just happened” I imagine he was walking through the woods and he slipped and his penis fell into her vagina that had been carefully camouflaged with twigs and leaves.

CodependentChump
CodependentChump
8 years ago
Reply to  Kim

OMG…LOL!!!! Kim, I was visualizing that right along with you and it was effin hilarious!!!

I’m picturing some clueless seeming and all dorky and innocent looking later-middle aged dude with a comb over and wearing slacks and a sweater vest (not that I’m assuming that would be YOUR ex-fucknugget… just an innocent, clumsy type anyguy).

Poor guy is all alone out in the woods and holding a huge unfolded map in front of him and not paying much attention to his surroundings. He likely just got a bit lost on his way home and probably forgets vaginas even exist at this moment, as he is just focused on finding his way.

Then, BAM, he stumbles hard and loses his balance and is going down in a full frontal face plant. His arms are swinging like propellers in the opposite direction of his fall, he’s crying out “wooh…wooh…wooh”, and just for a second before he succumbs to the downward pull of gravity, he looks down and notices his sudden and somehow full exposed erection!

I only had a quick visual “glance” at the undercover camouflaged vagina before he fell onto it “head first” (heehee), but the vagina I saw was not all strategically adorned with a holiday spray of twigs, berries, babies breath and whatnot. This one was a clearly a more visible predator, with something resembling one of those sharp toothed, clamping, and locking bear traps for labia and had quickly hid under a huge pile of bear shit right in the poor, unsuspecting guy’s path.

Interestingly, he didn’t even scream in agony or struggle to escape when his erection fell unavoidably into the bear trap thingy vagina smothered in shit. He just made a “hmmph” groan kind of noise on entrance….then SCENE FIN!

Heaven’s to Betsy!!! I got the “Leave A Cheater” part down pat, but I REALLY need to get on that “Gain A Life” part…LOL!!!! There must be SOMETHING/ANYTHING better I could/absolutely should be doing on a Saturday midmorning other than dreaming up detailed scenarios of predatory, bear-trap-apparatused vaginas stealthly hidden in piles of shit waiting to devour its unsuspecting erection prey!!! (But would be lying if I denied gaining some sort of entertainment value doing it!!!)

Sorry. I DO actually recognize that I am in desperate need of non-disordered adult social interactions…or perhaps a talented therapist…as my loneliness and bordem seemingly encourage me to talk nonstop when the rare opportunity of casual communication with other live people presents itself…..kinda like the way affairs do, but WAY less frequently!!!!

Renee62
Renee62
8 years ago

THIS is your therapy CodependentChump! Ain’t nothing wrong with that! You should take up writing. Your descriptions & imagery were great! It’s wonderful to laugh considering what we’ve lived through & the continuing daily challenges we chumps face. Thanks!

Lania
Lania
8 years ago

When your vagina is as loose as hers, it probably does. It’d be bigger than a canyon, no doubt.
Sausage in a hallway, indeed!

CodependentChump
CodependentChump
8 years ago
Reply to  Lania

Lania, I enjoy the snark of a siimilar, almost identical phrase as a comparison to what a sexual encounters with one of these “Loosey Gooseys” :

Example). After birthing 5 babies in 4 years and operating her vagina as a community center for sexually neglected penises in need between knock ups, I imagine fucking her is just like throwing a hot dog down a fucking hallway!

Love that this author is such a special kind of skanky cumdumpster , that I actually feel completely comfortable using such filthy words and inappropriate name-calling towards her!!!!

Boudica Reborn
Boudica Reborn
8 years ago

nic and CodependentChump – Thank you! I laughed so hard my computer monitor is now wearing a delicate spray of coffee.

Shechump
Shechump
8 years ago
Reply to  Boudica Reborn

Boudica – you are all cracking me up. Is your profile one of you drinking out of an Aboriginal Penis Gourd? bwahaha

ChumpyElf
ChumpyElf
8 years ago
Reply to  Boudica Reborn

LMFAO! Nic, I’m never going to be able look the UPS guy in the eye again.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpyElf

Perhaps it’s not his eyes you should be looking at….

nic
nic
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpyElf

Haha I know – I can barely look at my dog now too! I swear she judges me.

Nancy
Nancy
8 years ago

I checked on the link to see if she had the nerve to post a picture of herself. Before this article, she wrote about her “unique” “Open” relationship. She has become a poster child for narcissism. Narcissists flaw is that they underestimate others. They also believe that other’s believe their lies. She probably believes that she comes across as “living an authentic life” which she feels is respectable, no matter who she hurts to do it. I especially love that she posted a picture of herself, which pretty much deems her unemployable. It is a warning to others with morals to stay away. As for being published on Huffpro, although she can’t see it, due to her narcissism, she is being used as click bait.

Anonymous Coward
Anonymous Coward
8 years ago
Reply to  Nancy

// , The HufflePufflers do click them some mighty clickbait, yes they do.

Crimson Comet
Crimson Comet
8 years ago

What’s really sad is that a large percent of chumps, including myself, can likely attest that our marriages were painfully lacking affection, attention, consideration, respect, and so forth. Even before we found out about the betrayal. These cheaters seem to live by a code of “do what I want, when I want.” They left loyal chumps tending the homefires, picking up the slack of daily responsibilities, while they ran around tending to their senses of entitlement. Did the chumps seek affairs to “fill the gap?” Uh, no. They were, in a lot of cases, singlehandedly carrying the responsibility for them both. Until hit upside the head with the devastating truth. If anyone could use the excuses in this and other excuse articles, it’s a chunp. So that’s why this sort of excuse falls so flat for us

chump-tastic
chump-tastic
8 years ago

?CRYING with laughter over here. Also, the lady doth protest too much, methinks. It’s adorably cringe-worthy how hard she’s trying to convince herself that she’s fully in control of herself and “did the right thing.”

Lost2015
Lost2015
8 years ago

I saw this article when it originally appeared on HP a few weeks ago and knew it was just a matter of time before CL gave it the UBT treatment. The article was so ridiculous that I thought it must be an intentional troll of the readers. I still think it is, after all:

1) How can the author state in her byline that she is helping women live their “most authentic” lives and then go on to write an article where she screws over her husband, gives the most selfish reasons imaginable, and exposes herself as a lying sack of shit? It’s just not possible that she doesn’t see the irony of that crap. She’s trolling.

2) She felt trapped after just 4 months of marriage? 4 months? Is this a joke? Were the wedding gifts even unwrapped at that point? Again, she has to be trolling.

3) Finally, the article is titled “How an Affair Saved My Life”……she cheated on her “wonderful” husband after 4 months and hurt him and everyone around her. And that saved her life? Who would ever buy that garbage? Again, she just has to be a troll.

I think the article’s a joke….at least I hope it is. Can you imagine going to somebody like this to help you find your “most authentic” life? Good lord.

ChumpDad
ChumpDad
8 years ago
Reply to  Lost2015

I believe it’s real. I witnessed my XW tell her sister in-law that she “met someone” just days after d-day. She said it in such a happy, “aren’t you happy for me” voice like this is normal behavior for a married woman. She was just fine with me telling her family as if it’s just a normal part of life.

I was asking an adult nephew to possible mentor my boys through this as he had lived it too. She came up and said it was a great idea. His mother (her sister) cheated for 7 years before getting caught. It was a horrendous divorce. This same sister mentored my XW through our divorce.

Yup, there are people who think this is just the way life is.

stbxisgross
stbxisgross
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpDad

My stbxh is similarly deluded. He’d so convinced himself that his reasoning was obvious and logical, that he almost started telling me the story of how things unfolded between him and OW (because “It just happened! It’s not like I planned it!”) before I stopped him, like I’d hear his little love story and suddenly see things his way.

Lania
Lania
8 years ago
Reply to  stbxisgross

“It just happened” right? Just like my serving you with divorce papers “just happened too”. 😀
Two can play at that game.

DeeL
DeeL
8 years ago
Reply to  stbxisgross

My surreal moment came when ex basically told me that he found happiness and didn’t that make me happy, yeah he agreed that she was an immoral woman, but people can change can’t they? I was left speechless. No d*ckhead, I’m pretty damn sure that I would rather see you suffering than be happy with miss married immorality, but as things turned out, she showed him who she was 5 months after d day. 5 whole months of bliss and she bails. One of my regrets is that I stuck it out with ex for 22 years and she bails after 5 months.

Done&done
Done&done
8 years ago
Reply to  Lost2015

Right. It’s downright insulting that this idiot thinks she can be of help to other women. This has to be a joke.

LiningUpDucks
LiningUpDucks
8 years ago
Reply to  Lost2015

Yes, it’s ridiculous, but I get the feeling that it’s 100% real. Just my instinct. Sad, but true, that people like this exist and buy into their own word salad BS.

JC
JC
8 years ago

I stopped reading at “unconventional.”

During my ex’s affair, she referred to me more than once as a “traditional” husband that “any normal woman would be lucky to have.”

At the time, this was confusing, given that I’m as liberal as Bernie Socialist Sanders and take more pride in domestic housework than many women in my life.

But I came to realize that it was her way of painting me as some buttoned-up, straight edge, stifling “traditional” husband. She had to force herself to see me that was, so she could be an “unconventional” free-living slut by comparison.

Yes, marriage involves some traditional behaviors…like monogamy. If you’re too “unconventional” to handle it, then don’t wed, or end the marriage without cheating.

kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago
Reply to  JC

JC, oh if only they could end the marriage without cheating. Not in them the stinking bastards and bitches! My ex swears he stands by his word and promises and always ALWAYS does the right thing. Hahahahaha!

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
8 years ago
Reply to  JC

So you were simultaneously too traditional and too non-traditional (being away in the evenings for night school)? Classic.

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
8 years ago
Reply to  JC

JC,

I actually think your Ex saying “any normal woman” is actually the operative phrase in what she said. While she may have intended that to portray herself as “unconventional,” she unwittingly told the truth. What she believed, how she behaved and who she is isn’t normal. That doesn’t mean unconventional. It means “deviating from what is normal or usual, typically in a way that is undesirable or worrying.” Sounds like it could be your Ex to me.

chump-tastic
chump-tastic
8 years ago
Reply to  JC

Claps loudly at JC’s comment. Whistles, cheers, throws hat into the air.

sephage
sephage
8 years ago
Reply to  chump-tastic

Ditto!

Done&done
Done&done
8 years ago
Reply to  chump-tastic

YUP. Me, too traditional. Said no one but my ex.

zyx321
zyx321
8 years ago

Good job, CL/UBT.
I had difficulty reading the blog/post/whatever it is when it came out as my ex said much of this, but in two letters to our 14 yr old. These are the letters that sent her over the edge emotionally.
He says things such as: I spent so much time doing what others expected that I felt like he was drowning, the path of silent suffering is not worth it, etc. Blech.
Absolutely no personal responsibility (well, he threw in some sentences, which were negated by the implicit “but”), nor awareness of how a 14 yr old former Daddy’s girl will perceive his attempts to excuse his behavior.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  zyx321

zyx321–same here. My X wrote a letter to my 14 yo daughter (currently NC with him) blaming his main affair on “marital problems” at the time. Oldest (19 yo daughter) told him to take out that section, and just apologize forthright. He REFUSED. He won’t even send an apology letter to the daughter whose life he blew up, unless he can blameshift. The irony is that 14 yo now knows about his serial cheating (including Ashley Madison profile) so claiming only one affair just exposes him as a pathological liar.

It’s not worth trying to convince these MFers of rational thought; they only filter it through their narc lens and what appeared as straight now comes out as curved. Smart kids figure it out pretty quickly.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
8 years ago
Reply to  zyx321

zyx321, my ex also said very similar things to our teen son after divorce. How he was so “depressed” and how he realized that I “would never be happy” so leaving saved him and following his dream of becoming an actor was “what he needed to do.” Because “being trapped in the corporate world” and working a regular job was “not his destiny.”

Kelly
Kelly
8 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

Well your ex has finally fulfilled his true destiny, Glad, unemployed and living in his father’s basement.

zyx321
zyx321
8 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

GIO- yup, the story later was he never wanted that particular job, etc, etc. Complete revisionist history. At least my ex changed to the “dream” job and pays his child support, unlike yours.
Also, I think ex thinks I said too much to our daughter about our marriage/his cheating, so he felt the need to justify his behavior and make it ok (so he could still look good in her eyes). Very sad.

Done&done
Done&done
8 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

God that’s so gross! Trying to appeal your incompetence as a person to your children like that. I’m not privy to this kind of behavior because I never had kids, but that’s awful. I hate your exes.

kb
kb
8 years ago
Reply to  zyx321

He wrote this stuff to his daughter? What an abusive POS!

Make no mistake, your XH deliberately meant to make your 14-year-old feel like shit. What an evil man!

zyx321
zyx321
8 years ago
Reply to  kb

kb, actually I think he is so self centered and self absorbed that he actually had no idea how it would make her feel. He just knew he was (being portrayed as) a bad guy, and wanted to set the record straight. In hindsight, maybe I said too much, but it was always things like: they were together before we had agreed to divorce, I pity your father because he does not understand what marriage is about, etc. I have never mentioned the unprotected sex, etc. Also, he is the one who told her he was in love with the first AP when I was pregnant with her. I did not tell her that, that would be too heartbreaking for a kid to grasp.

Done&done
Done&done
8 years ago
Reply to  kb

Gross. Maybe he thought she’d relate and they could connect because she’s young and reaching a rebellious age. He is horrible. Wow.

zyx321
zyx321
8 years ago
Reply to  Done&done

D&d: yes, I think he was trying to connect, as in the letter he talks about his 2nd marriage being loving and caring, etc.
Again, dude, what do those comments say about her mother and the marriage from which she was produced?!

PF
PF
8 years ago

I can relate…

How kicking puppies saved my Life.

I always wanted a puppy, dreamed of getting a puppy while I was in high school. I just wanted a house in the suburbs, a picket fence and a puppy. Those were my goals and I got that house and puppy after college. It should have been the happiest time in my life but I felt trapped. I had thought I had the best puppy ever, a puppy any average person would have wanted.

But I felt trapped and couldn’t stop looking in the window of all those other Pet Shops with purebred puppies in the window. I now had new goals, I needed a pure breed puppy to reflect my extraordinary and superior value.
I had a great average puppy, but I was too good for that puppy and realized only average people would have wanted my puppy and I needed a glam puppy that costs way more and reflects my awesomeness beyond the average puppy owner.

So kicked my puppy, yes….it hurt Me to kick my puppy but my abuse to that puppy saved my life as I consciously uncoupled from that puppy when I left it abandoned in an alley. I was sure some average person would rescue it and I believe my ex average puppy is being cared for and averagely loved as it should be. So in the end, we all win, and I don’t regret it and it saved my life and I am more authentic for it.

namaste y’all

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
8 years ago
Reply to  PF

Nailed it!

Kelly
Kelly
8 years ago
Reply to  PF

PF, your rock!! Hilarious yet showing just how pitiful these freaks really are.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  PF

PF–hysterical and pathetic, all in one turn. Well-done.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
8 years ago
Reply to  PF

Great analogy PF! As a chump, I am still often baffled by how the disordered twist things half way through their story in a pathetic attempt at justifying their unforgivably disgusting actions.

Regina
Regina
8 years ago
Reply to  PF

PF! What a great analogy but with a poor puppy instead of a poor human! Hilarious and sad at the same time. We all pick up the tab for the disordered in many ways we don’t even think about. People who can easily disconnect from people and things they professed a commitment to are a problem for the rest of us. Chumps and other good people are always picking up their shit all over the place.
And it is usually the Chump that has been “shorted” for 20 years, not the Narc.

PF
PF
8 years ago
Reply to  Regina

It is sad. Melissa Clark and her high school whiny styled article is an illuminating look into how cheaters are so desperate to portray themselves as evolved.

LadyStrange
LadyStrange
8 years ago
Reply to  PF

Omg PF – great analogy. LMAO!

chump-tastic
chump-tastic
8 years ago
Reply to  PF

“Namaste y’all” lol omg I can’t.

Anita
Anita
8 years ago

WHYYyyyyy are all Whores so mind numbingly, pathetically, ridiculously unoriginal? They all sound exactly the same.

Anita
Anita
8 years ago

And applause to the chump who dumped this whore immediately!!!

Regina
Regina
8 years ago

WOW, the UBT just gets better with age. This one picked apart perfectly and as always with humor! What always continues to baffle is the amazing amount of self delusion these folks (CHEATERS) engage in. So sad that this great guy is now saddled with the devastation of being cheated on. After all, being wonderful should be swiftly punished (after 4 months of marriage) and poetically rationalized because after all, Cheaters are just so special.
When vaginas and dicks lead lives, the outcome is never pretty. (But it of course all had to happen not could not be avoided) Talk about a blah, blah, blah heard a thousand times defense. Ugh! If they only knew how cookie cutter un-special they are.

PF
PF
8 years ago

EVO

Why so grumpy? Did you fall off your horse and land butt first on a log.

Lookingup
Lookingup
8 years ago

A good example of a person twisting themselves and the truth, inside out to make a huge negative look like a positive.

phoebenix
phoebenix
8 years ago

Did I miss something? What was missing from her relationship with her husband? What is filling the gaps now? What are the gaps?!!! If her confession is to help others “save their lives” shouldn’t she say what was missing and what she found? Maybe she still doesn’t know? The only message I got from her letter was that affairs are exciting. So, she was missing excitement? Maybe she could take up race car driving? That’s exciting.

Great post CL. I want to take all of your parts and put them in one letter and read that – all by itself, just to take it all in. I laughed out loud at this part – I’m like blah, blah, Charlie Brown adult voice, blah, whatever.

MrsVain
MrsVain
8 years ago
Reply to  phoebenix

she is missing a BRAIN. and probably hasnt noticed how long it has been missing. she is also missing a HEART. because anyone who could marry a man and not want him 4 months later, does not have anything close to a heart. then there is morals, values, standards, accountability, integrity that she is also missing. And last but not least, she is missing common sense.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
8 years ago
Reply to  phoebenix

What was missing? The more I read these stories, I think it’s what Groucho Marx said- I wouldn’t want to belong to any club that would have me as a member! Her husband got devalued, no fault of his own. It’s a reflection of her F’d up mind, he couldn’t win. And I don’t believe that her current relationship is good, it will explode too.

Done&done
Done&done
8 years ago
Reply to  phoebenix

She wasn’t missing anything. She was an asshole cheater and she got caught and everyone found out so now she has to be all loud and proud about it to convince herself and all the disappointed people that she HAD to cheat, to SAVE HER LIFE.

Done&done
Done&done
8 years ago
Reply to  Done&done

I went to her blog, so I could hater her more.
The newest post is a quote: “Don’t be ashamed of your story, it will inspire others.”
Vomit.

Carol
Carol
8 years ago
Reply to  Done&done

Sadly, a lot of people will be “inspired” by her “story.” My experience with infidelity has shown me that the average person buys this bullshit with regularity. People have no critical thinking skills these days. You need critical thinking skills to see through this kind of twisted new-agey “authentic (lying and cheating) self” bullshit.

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
8 years ago
Reply to  Done&done

I’m sure my ex’s OW eats up these kind of articles like they’re local, sustainably grown bullshit.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Done&done

It does; it inspires me to stone her for the sake of the gene pool.

Mightymom23boys
Mightymom23boys
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Thank you for that awesome mental image!! If we were allowed to do this legally in public, humanity might actually have a chance, ya think?

Kelly
Kelly
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Bwahahahahaha, I’ll help you Tempest

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
8 years ago
Reply to  Done&done

Oh my, she really IS the female version of my ex.

phoebenix
phoebenix
8 years ago
Reply to  Done&done

Agreed, vomit.

Anita
Anita
8 years ago
Reply to  phoebenix

Melissa Clark really *should* be ashamed of her story. There is nothing to be proud if there. Nothing.

TheClip
TheClip
8 years ago

Just another self center sack of shabby chic shit that needs to be tagged ( with my handy dandy stun gun- don’t own one but if I did it would be for people who do stupid shit cause they are bored) popped on a plane to Uganda in her fucking burlap Toms and handed a shovel. Dig a ditch bitch.
Hold the hand of someone who really suffers. Someone whose child has not eaten that day or the day before or the day before that. Hold that hand with your perfectly manicured gel nails. I dare you not to pull your hand away when that mom looks at the $60 dollar nail job that could have fed her family for a month. I fucking dare u.
You are fucking bored? Can’t find yourself ?
You are looking for your self ? It’s hard to see when your head is shoved so far up your ass.
Boredom is one of the most selfish fucking excuses ever.

Lania
Lania
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

LMAO Clip – but remember that other site we were posting at?
Apparently you and I are ‘deranged bitches’ 😀
More like “We don’t subscribe to the status quo of a fuckwad”

Kelly
Kelly
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

I am laughing harder and harder as I continue reading these posts, oh Clip, I am dying here …………??

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

TheClip–I *love* your way of thinking. Set up a Paypal account and I’ll contribute to the stun gun and airfare for the Rwanda flights (in the luggage department, of course).

Boudica Reborn
Boudica Reborn
8 years ago

This post is begging for snark, and I’m proud of so many at CN that are delivering.

Open letter to Melissa Clark.

Dear Ms. Clark:
:
I applaud your admission that, despite the fact you have deliberately chosen to adopt a scorched-earth policy toward your wonderful husband, family members and friends, you have also exercised agency to spare the lives of countless kittens. With that decision noted for public record, I have decided to send you a commemorative ASPCA T-shirt with custom lettering on the back that states, “I’m kind to animals, but I’m a vapid, cheating, pathological asshat to my human loved ones.”

Wait! There’s more.

As I salute you in your on-going quest for an endless supply of kibble and screaming orgasms, I will also offer you a complimentary set of 100 business cards, embossed with the following verbiage:

“Let me help you find and live your authentic (albeit disordered) self.”

Melissa Clark
Self-Appointed (and Delusional) Life Coach
800-IMA-NARC
http://www.douchebaggery.tv

Working It Out
Working It Out
8 years ago
Reply to  Boudica Reborn

Please add : , Unrepentant Whore after Life Coach. It’s too bad shame has died.

malvond
malvond
8 years ago

BLECH. What kills me most of all, because it’s the same nonsense I heard from my stbxh, is the whole, “What, would you rather me wait another five, ten years?” No, of course not—but more importantly, the fact that THAT’S the question you’re asking is the problem. I’m not talking about waiting around “unhappy” (could’ve fooled me), I’m talking about maybe trying to deal with your shit and face it like a grown fucking adult. Gross.

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
8 years ago
Reply to  malvond

But that option is so CONVENTIONAL and…and…hard!

kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago

Asswipe told everybody that I was the best thing ever happened to him till I wasn’t. Then everything wrong with me and nothing wrong with him but he’s a realist and I’m not. What is wrong with the pond scum bitch who wrote the above article is while her trying to be by thy own self be true she fucked over probably a perfectly wonderful guy. Sheesh! Can’t these fucking people ever tell the truth!!!! I could never do what ex did to me. Fucker! If it weren’t for chump lady and chump nation I wouldn’t be here. You guys are a god send!!!!

donna
donna
8 years ago

What to say? She sounds like a pathetic soap opera actor. All that drama, I can’t wait to see the next episode. Did she get back with her X or did she continue to have screaming orgasms? All that matters is that she is unconventional- stating that she cheated, however does not see herself as a cheating asshole. She’s just moving forward with her 200.00 dollars. What a creature.

PF
PF
8 years ago
Reply to  donna

Melissa Clark cheated and got caught, but she left with a whooping Two Hundred Dollars. How unconventional to be a broke delusional cheater.

But hey…she found herself, good thing because I imagine no one was looking for her.

Lania
Lania
8 years ago
Reply to  PF

She obviously passed Go to have that amount – instead, she should have gone to jail instead.

Done&done
Done&done
8 years ago

This should be re-titled: How Having an Affair and Getting Caught Almost Right After I Got Married Saved My Husband From Wasting Years of His Life Living with a Self Absorbed, Heartless Idiot. And then the rest of the article could be blank, because the title said it all.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
8 years ago
Reply to  Done&done

I am golf clapping in my office!

Working It Out
Working It Out
8 years ago
Reply to  Done&done

I need a like button.

LadyStrange
LadyStrange
8 years ago
Reply to  Working It Out

“Like”

5jumpchump
5jumpchump
8 years ago

[img]http://s19.postimg.org/9eo4ngdcz/Fire_Shot_Screen_Capture_128_hannibal.jpg[/img]

5jumpchump
5jumpchump
8 years ago
Reply to  5jumpchump

Rats… Photo upload did not work.

5jumpchump
5jumpchump
8 years ago
Reply to  5jumpchump

Maybe one of these will work???

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

[IMG]http://i60.tinypic.com/1znv6vq.jpg[/IMG]

http://i60.tinypic.com/1znv6vq.jpg

Mightymom23boys
Mightymom23boys
8 years ago
Reply to  5jumpchump

“Twatwaffle” ROTFL!! She sounds like a perfect match for douchcanoe!

nomar
nomar
8 years ago

Wow. What are the odds? That an affair could serve such an unlikely purpose as saving a life, and that the affair ends up saving a life that so does NOT deserve to be saved.

God has a supernatural sense of irony. He must be the original bearded hipster.

PF
PF
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Cheaters who need to save their own lives have a super duper Hipster God, they’ve got their own personal Jesus too.

Done&done
Done&done
8 years ago
Reply to  PF

I imagine the Cheater’s version of God or Jesus looks much like a reflection of him/herself.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
8 years ago
Reply to  Done&done

Do you know the difference between God and a narcissist? God doesn’t think He’s a narcissist.

Portia
Portia
8 years ago

It is sad that the “pursuit of Happiness” is defined as “whatever makes me happy” and that no one else is evidently entitled to have any feelings, or happiness. I am not saying you should live entirely to please others — but at some point there are some social and family expectations that should not be ignored. You shouldn’t have a child and decide a few months later, “My, but this is inconvenient!”

As CL has pointed out, it is not that the Narcissist doesn’t understand the emotions of others or what social norms are needed to keep the world going around, it is just that he/she does not care. The N likes to do damage control and image management wherever possible, to keep the goodies rolling in — if you are perceived as a bad person, it is hard to ask others for more cake.

I also believe that finding out what your core values are, and what you want to do in your life should be a little more complex than checking into the nearest motel with your affair partner. I don’t believe deep philosophical discussions occur in that environment, and I doubt the affair partner has any intention or qualification to be a Life Coach.

I hope I never am so delusional that I describe a screw up this big as the event which “saved my life.”

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
8 years ago
Reply to  Portia

Portia,

“. . . “pursuit of Happiness” is defined as “whatever makes me happy” and that no one else is evidently entitled to have any feelings, or happiness.”

Such an excellent expression of the distinction between those two things.

Pursuit of Happiness = a basic human right = desirable and normal

Whatever makes me happy = narcissistic entitlement = pathological

Chumpion
Chumpion
8 years ago

First off, I am predicating this all with about a 12 minute long Bronx cheer while giving that essay the finger.

Secondly, my ex-wife’s cheating behavior that nearly destroyed me in the long run turned into a huge positive for me. However, after suffering through it, I am the ONLY person on earth who earned the license to call it that.

What I will never, ever stop being surprised by is how these people can rationalize the shittiest selfish activity as good for everyone.

violet
violet
8 years ago

What stands out to me is her complete disregard for the suffering she caused her husband who, according to her own words, had been nothing but good to her. Does his pain not count? Surely, if she was so sure that she did not want to be married, there was an honorable way to end it. Of course, that way would have interfered with her need for immediate “screaming orgasims.” Bleh.

What she chooses to ignore is that she intentionally hurt someone, with absolutely no regard for how it would affect the rest of his life. I have experienced great loss and I can tell you that discoverying my X’s infidelity was every bit as painful as burying some of the people I love more than life itself. In fact, the only positive thing about that betrayal is that it has made me more able to handle these enormous losses. A death of a long-term marriage is like a death! I would never intentionally make any human being on earth suffer that kind of pain. Certainly not for the flimsy reasons given by this clueless woman.

I know I am older and I see the world and my responsibility to it differently than a 20 something. Still, there is so much needless suffering in the world. Who wants to contribute to more of it? As the Clip says, if the writer of that piece of garbage is looking for meaning, she should go do something that is actually meaningful, that in some way leaves this world a better place. Fucking around on one’s husband simply does not fit that bill.

My recent losses have made me very philosophical and more determined than ever to live my life honorably, with kindness, and a true understanding that the love we receive is in direct proportion to the love we give. I no longer have time for selfishness, hatred or the need to succeed at the expense of others. If this woman is proud of herself, it is because she is lacking in the fundamental decency that makes us human. Perhaps, she wil not be so smug when she finds herself on the receiving end of such callous betrayal. I, for one, am not interested enough in her shallow story to care.

Kelly
Kelly
8 years ago
Reply to  violet

“My recent losses have made me very philosophical and more determined than ever to live my life honorably, with kindness, and a true understanding that the love we receive is in direct proportion to the love we give. I no longer have time for selfishness, hatred or the need to succeed at the expense of others. If this woman is proud of herself, it is because she is lacking in the fundamental decency that makes us human. Perhaps, she wil not be so smug when she finds herself on the receiving end of such callous betrayal. I, for one, am not interested enough in her shallow story to care.”

Wow Violet, just….wow. What beautiful wisdom.

Chump Nation is hitting it out of the park today.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
8 years ago

Wow, I think Melissa Clark is the female version of my ex. He much less poetically spouted very similar sentiments after Dday, and wrote a book about himself geared towards helping others live their “most authentic” lives as well. Its blurb on Amazon said something about learning to walk the rainbow beams of balance through life. Maybe they can meet and together they can spin and twist their narcissistic, delusional reality into something beautiful and unconventional (which I expect is just a euphemism for more cheating.)

It’s always helpful to get a glimpse into the head of a narcissist. Until you actually see the way they absolve themselves from any blame whatsoever, twist and distort reality into a fairy tale where they are the star, and generally refuse to accept consequences or responsibility, it’s hard to grasp that such people actually exist.

Chumpish
Chumpish
8 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

Glad: I can’t help it, I have to comment. When I hear the “authentic life” line from the obviously self absorbed, I want to stab myself in the eye with a butter knife. I rolled through a stop sign the other day and got a ticket. My authentic self doesn’t like to stop at stop signs, but I don’t think that cop gave a flying fuck. What is walking the rainbow beams of balance? Does it involve hallucinogenics?

Chump4Bolero
Chump4Bolero
8 years ago

Oh boy – here we go… Clark needs spell check on her Huff Po by line.
“Amatuer writer with a passion for helping women learn to live their most authentic life.”

What a cesspool of self-absorption.

Further UBT: — EAT shit sandwiches chumps, –PRAY for me I don’t get caught, –LOVE to love getting over on you.

moving forward
moving forward
8 years ago

Loved the UBT today, CL. On her blog she says that she wrote the article because she has been struggling for 5 long years to figure it out and get over it. Hmmm…poor sad sausage…

If I were going to write an article, the headline would be ‘How my husband’s affair saved my life’. This is how I feel.

Why? Because after DD2, I ended my 17 year marriage. The years of blameshifting, lying and gaslighting had taken their toll and, in retrospect, I was really struggling. It was the hardest decision but one that I will never regret. I got my life back.

SnakebitNoMore
SnakebitNoMore
8 years ago
Reply to  moving forward

All the shit he put me through when I had no idea about the cheating should have been enough for me to leave. After 26 years, it took me finding proof of his cheating to actually pull the trigger on the marriage. About fucking time…. but better late then never. Looking forward for the divorce to be over so I never have to see his lying ass again… except for occasions with our daughter….

HopiumAddict
HopiumAddict
8 years ago

How my husband’s affair saved my life…

Now I no longer want to blow my brains out because I can’t figure out how to make the marriage work and meet his ever changing requirements of what will make him happy… Probably a good thing I didn’t want him to have guns in my home because someone would have ended up dead…

Marci
Marci
8 years ago

The author is simply an airhead. Probably spent her early life playing video games and never developed the ability to reason, to delay gratification, and to foresee consequences. Gotta hope natural selection runs its course.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Marci

Yup, she not only failed the marshmallow test, she ate the table leg, too.

Lania
Lania
8 years ago
Reply to  Marci

Hey, theres nothing wrong with young gamers! One of my first memories is playing a video game.
In fact, a lot of young gamers get those reasoning skills very well indeed.
Its fair to say that ‘social media’ is the cause of a lot of this narc-bullshit though.

Lyn
Lyn
8 years ago

“I am currently in a committed, loving, healthy, (yet slightly unconventional) relationship with a wonderful man and I am fulfilled in a way I never knew possible.”

Anyone else suspect this means she’s in a relationship with a married man?

ken_doll
ken_doll
8 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

that’s what i thought, or an “open” relationship.

what a child. her husband is well rid of her.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
8 years ago
Reply to  ken_doll

Yep. Either with a married man, or in an open relationship but still cheating on the side with a married man. I’m betting on the second.