An alert chump sent me this link to a Cheating Dating Guide. And I’m sorry to say, it rather underscores everything I say at this site about ego kibbles, the pick me dance, chumps being of use to the cheater, and cheaters just really not giving a shit. Oh, and entitlement. You want a field study in entitlement? Read the stories.
Maybe your cheater didn’t use an online dating site (so many of them do). Maybe yours is a church deacon who met the fuckbuddy at church, so you think these cheaters don’t have anything in common with your cheater. In any case, I found reading the cheating stories interesting. They’re very much like the ones you read at the now defunct Drcool.com site — full of sad tales of woe about how incredibly sexy they are, and how they just don’t have an outlet for their fabulousness.
When spouses are mentioned, it’s with contempt. She’s got a cottage cheese ass. He’s got a limp dick.
The cheaters say things like: I deserve someone really hot, who gets me in bed, who wants no strings attached sex. I deserve to bang someone 25 years younger, because I still want to.
If they explain why they stay married — consider that the audience is fellow cheaters — they are very open about their Machiavellian motivations — “she’s loaded,” “she cooks and cleans.” And they’re open about their acting out of anger: “He doesn’t make me cum, so fuck him — I’m going to screw another guy in our bed.” And some of them evenly lamely try to say there’s shared history and they still “love” their spouse, it’s just that the site of her saggy breasts revolts him and he can’t get it up.
Now, I’m going to take them at face value that having a kinky, robust, multi-partnered sex life is of paramount importance. Those are their values. Okay.
I might not agree with those values, but I won’t argue them. What I want to know is if that’s so important to you — why don’t you get what you need honestly?
Let’s say instead of sex, I like money. It’s really important to me to have a LOT of money. I need a flashy car, I need security, I need people to think I’m the shit.
I could go about my need for money the hard, honest way — I could spend years studying a profession that pays well, I could sacrifice and invest in my own business and work long hours to be successful. I could save all my money and invest it in the stock market and wait years for compound interest and dividends to work their magic.
Or I could rob banks.
Or I could pretend to love someone who has the job, or family money I covet, and align myself with them.
Or I could kill someone and take their stuff.
Same value — different ways of going about it. Ethical versus unethical.
When you argue with cheaters about cheating, it often comes down to the VALUE — I need different kinds of sex. My spouse is sexless. We didn’t evolve to be monogamous. Sex and attraction are really important in a relationship and no one should live without that. And that’s the turf that cheaters want to argue on. You don’t agree? You’re a Puritan. You’re vanilla. You’re living in an out dated modality to dream that monogamy is even possible.
They don’t want to argue the MEANS of achieving their value. They just want to argue about whether their objective has value.
Yes, hot sex is great. Yes, it’s awesome to have lots of money.
You deserve a kinky, varied sex life? Then divorce the wife. Take the financial hit. Or let the same rules apply to her and see if she wants to live in an open marriage.
The arguments sputter out at that point. What?! You don’t know what that MEANS! I’ll see my kids less! People won’t have a glowing opinion of me. Or as one person on that site said:
“If I leave her, I run the risk of ending up a lonely old man. I couldn’t fathom having to spend my retirement years by myself. What the heck would an old man do without the company of a “life partner”?
My god, I’d have to GIVE UP SOMETHING TO GET SOMETHING. I’d have to delay gratification. Do without.
No, cheaters are far too special for that.