She Just Discovered Her Husband Is Engaged
Out of the blue, her husband asked for a divorce and then she discovered he is already engaged. It gets worse.
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Dear Chump Lady,
I’m a new chump actively going through the discovery phase. I hit a new low over the weekend when I found out that my husband of 5 years (dating 10) is engaged to a girlfriend he met only two months ago on an online dating app.
When he first mentioned divorce in couples therapy two months ago, he claimed it was because he didn’t (and realized that he may have never) romantically loved me. Hearing that alone was devastating and the request for a divorce hit me like a ton of bricks. At first, we were amicable – we continued to go to therapy to discuss the hard parts – and he was being friendly and accommodating toward me and nearly convinced me to enter divorce mediation in lieu of hiring lawyers. We own many properties together (he’s in real estate and I’m an architect) that we were trying to equally split between us.
Fast forward a couple weeks.
I’m being contacted by a state constable to be served divorce papers drawn up by an attorney he retained, but didn’t tell me about.
I was yet again caught off guard by this – not only that he had a lawyer, but that only a week before, I had traveled to NYC with him for a dental operation he had done. He begged me to come with to help support him post-op – and when I obliged, he was happy and thankful. We had so much fun that weekend, just enjoying each other. It was almost blissful, like it was the old times, and he dropped little nuggets of hope like – “Who knows? Maybe in six months we will be back together in that house we built on the West side…”
But as my suspicions grew (something just felt off) I did some digging and came to find out he had a girlfriend the whole time. And he was planning on proposing to her all the while using my kindness to help him post-op, take care of our dog, pick up dinner at night, etc. etc. etc. When he served me, I then found out that he had also cut me off from my credit cards, started moving money around, took out a 75k personal loan (again I had no knowledge of this), and was buying her jewelry and other gifts, and taking her on trips.
I feel like I’ve had the rug ripped out from under me.
I’m still in shock taking it all in. I’m truly blindsided. It’s destroying me that the man I love discarded me like trash and is set to run off into the sunset with another woman, marry her, and live happily ever after. I found the messages between them – speaking to each other as future husband and wife – and how they‘ve already found a wedding song. I saw screenshots (and receipts) for diamond rings and a wedding tuxedo, and a date picked.
It’s only been two months – how can he possibly be in love with someone else and be engaged? Please tell me it gets easier, because right now I feel like I’ll never get through this. It’s painful to breathe… It’s painful to do anything. I’m truly devastated and shocked. I just sit here and cry.
By the way, he doesn’t know that I know yet. I’ve collected evidence to give to my lawyer, but haven’t let him know I know anything.
Please tell me there’s hope for me. When it all not be so painful? And what do I do now?
Discarded and Heartbroken
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Dear Discarded and Heartbroken,
Let’s start with strategy and then we’ll get to your shattered heart.
It’s good that he doesn’t know what you know. Keep it that way. Don’t tip your hand.
Gather all your evidence and make sure your attorney is skilled in high-conflict divorce.
I’m not a lawyer, this is not legal advice. I’ve just seen a bazillion chumps get screwed with the ol’ “let’s not involve the lawyers” cheater bullshit. INVOLVE THE LAWYERS. You are in a clusterfuck of epic proportion. You need professional advice. And probably a forensic accountant. A $75K personal loan? Buying her gifts? Moving the money? Ask for that money he spent on his affair(s) back as dissipation of marital assets. Ensure you’re not on the hook for his debt.
Hire a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst.
You seem to have quite a bit of personal wealth if you own multiple properties, and you are dealing with someone who is hugely unethical. The whole snowing you with hopes of reconciliation to soften you WHILE HE IS MOVING MONEY ELSEWHERE. The guy is a practiced fuckwit. He’s hoping the fog of your grief and pain will keep you from acting in your own best interest. Go read certified divorce financial analyst Vickie Adam’s blog. Especially, “The Myth of Being Fair.” Do not pull your punches. A professional like Vickie can help you follow the money, and court is based on evidence.
Get a credit report on him.
When I went through it, I went to FreeCreditReport.com and got a credit report on my then husband. (I had to guess a few identifying questions.) Which is not exactly legal. But I was a desperate chump and it revealed a host of horrors I had no idea about. P.O. boxes, credit cards I was unaware of (the bills went to the P.O. box), debts he never mentioned. So much fraudulence. The point is: Double lives cost money.
Ask your lawyer to demand a credit report from him as part of financial discovery. Liars lie. Credit bureaus, not so much.
Now then, let’s pivot to your broken heart.
He’s got a new sucker.
I found out that my husband of 5 years (dating 10) is engaged to a girlfriend he met only two months ago on an online dating app.
You know who love bombs and gets engaged to people they just met? FREAKS. FWs. Dark triad personality disorders. Your next true crime podcast villain. Whatever you want to call them, insta-commitment IS NOT NORMAL.
She’s the weak antelope in the herd, probably dazzled by his generosity (underwritten by that $75K loan), and I would guess was told he was separated. News to you, I know.
Please let your lawyer do the discovery and don’t reach out to her. And don’t ask yourself what she has that you don’t have. (Answer: A fuckwit.) Your husband abandoned you suddenly, because that’s who he is. A shallow, disordered person. She’s not special, she’s just next.
You were of use.
but that only a week before, I had traveled to NYC with him for a dental operation he had done. He begged me to come with to help support him post-op – and when I obliged, he was happy and thankful.
Charming. He extracts as much value as he can from you, up to the point you’re served and severed from the finances. Chump Nation can imagine the dental operations this guy deserves and the rusty tools we’d perform them with. Let the righteous fury you must feel fuel you forward.
I found the messages between them – speaking to each other as future husband and wife – and how they‘ve already found a wedding song. I saw screenshots (and receipts) for diamond rings and a wedding tuxedo, and a date picked.
What’s the wedding song for “We’ve Known Each Other 8 Weeks”? (UXWorld? Song parody. Stat.)
Ugh. This isn’t a happy ever after. Please see this for the red flag parade that it is. Kay Jewelers doesn’t have a special diamond for the I’m Still Married To My First Wife But You’re Next bride.
This will not end well.
Just focus on getting away safely.
It’s only been two months – how can he possibly be in love with someone else and be engaged?
He doesn’t love her. Or you. He’s a shallow mirage of a human. You devoted 15 years of your life to a phantom, a hologram, a fraud. Welcome to Chump Nation. We’re a very large club with squishy sofas and snacks. And snark. Always the snark.
Please tell me it gets easier, because right now I feel like I’ll never get through this.
You will totally get through this. I promise you, the last thing you invest in, isn’t going to be him. Don’t give him that much centrality. Of course it’s HUGE now. It won’t always be. It’s going to hurt like a motherfucker, but in time you’ll see how disordered and monstrous he really is.
Please tell me there’s hope for me.
Of course there is hope for you!
When is it all not be so painful?
And what do I do now?
Go on the offensive. Get up off the floor. Blow your nose, comb your hair, and fight like hell.
And this isn’t even the first such letter I’ve gotten. https://www.chumplady.com/my-husband-got-engaged/
Right after DDay FW told his mom he was planning to propose to the child mistress. I don’t know what ever happened with that but I know at the last minute she declined to move in with him and his other two (also young, female, Latina) roommates. I always wonder if she knew he was fooling around with one of those roommates on the side of the side chick? They are still “dating” occasionally but who knows what weird harem situation they have going on. I don’t really care at this point.
But I digress…
I believe that he was trying to secure the former sugar baby for the low low price of a meaningless ring but that’s her problem.
Not too surprised actually – I think it’s a combination of wanting to put the most solid end they can to the existing marriage/relationship (firewall) and also putting an anchor on the new relationship. Probably a combination of convincing themselves (and others) that the new one is “real” and securing the new source of kibbles. I’m amazed there are APs who are stupid enough to fall for this, but there seems to be an endless supply.
What a hard pill it is to swallow – that he could be so calculated and cruel.
Great topic CL.
If you are in touch with UX, put the song Bus Stop by the Hollies in his ear. I just reread the lyrics and listened to the music, with his talent he can do wonders with it.
OMG. This one hit home. The Myth of Being Fair. Ask any Fuckwit what Fair is and it will never be based on looking at reality. It will be based on their greediness, or their sense of entitlement or something else not really human.
What helped me get through, even though I knew I’d lose the war, was to view this as a war. Put on your armor, assess your weapons, and wake every morning with a battlefield attitude. When I looked over my war, it seemed to me the only skirmish I could win was to have the battle in the state where I lived, not the state where we were living when married. I was raising a granddaughter (her mother had suffered a devastating brain injury) and my sense was that in my state, that was viewed very favorably and a judge would lean in my favor when he could. All the other money stuff — my pensions, my 401ks were covered under various laws about pensions and asset splits.
So I was going to lose the war. It was important to my sanity that I win the skirmish. The day it came through showing my lawyer had filed in my state before his had filed in his state felt like the biggest victory.
Somehow losing that skirmish and being unable to prove I was lying about raising a granddaughter caused his team to suggest he settle. He backed off lifetime taking any percentage of my pensions and in exchange for a lump sum of $100,000, backed away from my 401K. His reputation couldn’t take the possible hit in the Washington Post of my sobstory of being left in poverty simply because of legalities.
Emma thanks for sharing this. This is war, and like you, I hope to be triumphant!
Discarded – Use this small window of opportunity.
Put together your legal and financial team and go to a (new?) therapist to help with the trauma. Avoid talking to mutual friends or his family. Add outside exercise, if possible. Minimize or avoid drugs and alcohol. Eat well. Add meditation/mindfulness to learn how to calm yourself for even a minute at a time.
Maintain your dignity. Hugs – it does get better.
Solid advice that I’ll be striving for. I did actually get a new therapist a few weeks ago. Thank you SBS
Great self-care advice. I’m going to recommend that if Discarded needs it, a kickboxing / boxing gym can do wonders. You have that wounded, wild animal hurt right now. You will likely feel rage too as the legal proceedings get underway and you have to listen to the BS he’s going to try to work you over with. That kind of gym is a great place to get that rage out. Hit a trainer’s mitts until you’ve got nothing left. Let all the ugly, exhausted grunts out while you drain your rage repeating combos until you can’t. It helps. It’s not a cure, but I swear it helps move the needle forward. (I would sometimes follow this up with a primal scream in my car, or just break down into heaving sobs.) You gotta get all that crap out, like draining an infection before the rebuilding part of healing can start. Right now, you are in the “getting rid of the infection” stage from a legal and emotional standpoint. At some point, enough of that will be behind you and you will start to feel like yourself in bits in pieces. Old pieces of you that you didn’t realize were lost will come back. New pieces of yourself, having been forged by the fires of betrayal and loss will appear. That’s later though, right now, just treat the infection that is your STBX.
I am 100 percent going to try kickboxing, thank you! Visualizing getting the crap out and then actually punching it out already sounds immensely satisfying.
“She’s not special. She’s just next.”
One of the my very recent insights (like two days ago)–yes, I’m still getting them, even six years after leaving–is that the ex never really committed to any woman. He just took up with whoever was convenient. That he was married to me for thirty-five years was a testament not to any commitment to me or love I thought he felt, but to his laissez faire attitude and my skill as a wife appliance and champion spackle artist.
Those who have read my story know my ex got involved with an ex student with whom he’d long had a relationship that crossed the lines, and who began “helping” him “explore” his new “gender identity” (fetish cross-dressing). When he revealed this sexual double life, I tried for three years to “accept” it/him–the ex-student faded from the picture, at least temporarily, so I guess I “won” the pick-me dance–but finally I wised up and left.
A couple of years ago he took up with a new woman, a woman I know (she had been my student, and our son’s violin teacher; she asked him out after her most recent divorce), and I struggled with that quite a bit. I had the classic response of “she’s a better version of me,” and the equally classic reaction of “he’ll be better for her [unspoken: because she’s better than me].”
It is very freeing for me to realize that she’s not special, she was/is convenient. When I found out they were dating, I warned her about his cross-dressing fetish (she had been my student, and I liked her), but she blew me off, saying he’d told her he “didn’t need that any more.”
I still have moments of flaming anger and resentment that he has suffered no consequences at all for his behavior and treatment of me, and for his willingness to rupture our family, and throw all our retirement plans away. But because that anger and resentment, when it rises up, threatens to annihilate me, I work very hard to keep myself from those thoughts and to focus on my own life.
Wife appliance – I can relate so hard to this. He used and neglected me over and over again, like an old yet reliable dishwasher. He really was never committed to me, truly never. And I’m ashamed to admit that this affair isn’t even the first one. But I stayed, because I was hopeful. So what’s a an old dishwasher to do besides get replaced? In a way I’m glad he severed this relationship horidly so I have no choice but to move forward and not look back. Although I feel a little ashamed also that he is the one leaving me for someone else and not the other way around.
Re the new woman – it’s amazing how much we fool ourselves. And he’s probably filled her head with bullshit about you. She’ll find out.
Adelante:
I feel this, too… “…the ex never really committed to any woman. He just took up with whoever was convenient. That he was married to me for thirty-five years was a testament not to any commitment to me or love I thought he felt, but to his laissez faire attitude and my skill as a wife appliance.”
I was an excellent Wife Appliance for 40 years if I say so myself. FW didn’t have to do A DAMN THING except to dress himself, go to work (his habitual hunting ground for grooming his next target) and mow the lawn. He plowed through a baker’s dozen until AP #14 in the office next to his scratched the right itch, flashed her money around and poof, he was gone. I’d never heard of CL, CN, LACGAL or Cheaterspeak, so like many of us, I was wasted valuable time dancing, smoking and wailing, not fully comprehending WTF just happened. I finally came to my senses and realized he was never committed to me, not for a single moment. I was being used for decades, just like a reliable piece of luggage conveniently waiting in the closet for the next trip. So I got mad… then really angry… and finally, raging like jet fuel ignited. This — and going total NC — is literally the only way I survived.
The FWs are always devious however this one is truly heinous. Discarded is fortunate in that she has not said anything and instead has watched his actions. The actions say it all. This FW loves no one, rather he uses people and loves real estate. Time for him to use someone else and for Discarded to strategically escape from Alcatraz.
Only she should channel it all through lawyers now. In fact, leaving quietly without saying a thing and having him served in her absence seems appropriate. Total no contact blind siding him with no explanation would be epic!
I want that for Discarded and I wish on all the stars in the galaxy that I had done so. What’s done is done and Discarded now knows the unique chump pain of being stabbed in the heart and in the back at the same time. It’s so heavy.
Maybe with the divorce papers she should also deliver a set of steak knives as an engagement gift for the happy couple?
If you don’t give a coin with a knife the old wives tale says you sever the relationship for good. I heartily agree with that outcome for our letter writer.
Samsara, thank you. “This FW loves no one, rather he uses people and loves real estate.” This couldn’t be more true. I shared this article with a very close friend early today and she highlighted your words on this as well – emphasizing that he really only loves two things – money and himself. PS – he will be blind sighted when we file our counter claim, and he has no idea the evidence I’ve already collected against him – he doesn’t know what’s coming for him. As my close friend grinned earlier, “He’s fucked!”
You have to keep us updated. We’re rooting for you!
Go Jean!!! So happy that you’ve got your ducks in a row with all the evidence. Bonus points that you know exactly what you’re dealing with. Stay the course… you will prevail in this war. He is now and forever your sworn enemy. Treat him accordingly and play those cards super close.
Tell him nothing other than disinformation, as in only you want him to know. You’re in control now, bearing in mind the FWs do push back hard when they realize their little chump has turned the tables on the power imbalance — they do not like it so stay fortified ie keep your circle close and shields up!
Be great if you can keep us updated. May CN be the wind beneath your wings 🦋
Also, it sounds like she helped him build that portfolio they have. I am betting schmoops is only there for the taking, he will likely find out how fast he will be drained.
OP will have learned a lot and do just fine in all areas.
Don’t wait for his downfall, assume it will come and don’t look back.
“Discarded now knows the unique chump pain of being stabbed in the heart and in the back at the same time. It’s so heavy.”
This is so true, and honestly unless one has experienced it, I don’t think one can understand the horror.
“Don’t wait for his downfall, assume it will come and don’t look back.” Susie Lee – I needed to read that. Thank you. It makes my heart hurt for all the others who know this unique chump pain. It really is horrific.
D&H,
There are upsides here, but it will be hard to see it from where you are now. You have a tonne of evidence that will help you get a favourable settlement when you divorce your Cheater. You are also well past the “Bargaining/How can I fix this?” stage and well into “Planning how I get the f*ck out of Dodge” phase. You also are in a position (give or take your shared dog) to boot this f*cker out of your life for once and for all; you can avoid the drawn out torture that is co-parenting with a FW. It might feel like it sucks to be where you are now, but you hold a strong hand of cards.
But the biggest upside you have going for you is YOU! Yes, it’s going to hurt for a long while yet. Yes, it will take time to get out of the mess that he has unilaterally created for you. Yes, it will take a while before you can be clear about the future that you want for yourself. And yes, it will take you time to build it. But all of these things will come to pass once you realise that YOU can make it happen.
My kids (now 20, 25 and 27) and I are 9 years out from D-Day and our life is the life that we built for ourselves when Ex-Mrs LFTT left us to be with her AP …… and if I say so myself, it’s pretty damned good.
LFTT
LFTT – I’m so happy you’re living a pretty damned good life that YOU built. Gives me a lot of hope. You’re right, I never have to see him again after this divorce. I can completely delete him out of my life. As for the dog – I took her with me when I left the house to stay with my good friend. To quote the great Jennifer Coolidge (although I said it only to myself as I quietly left), “I’m taking the dog, DUMBASS!”
Glad you got the dog!
Jean,
You have totally got this. I hope that you and your dog build the most fantastic future for yourselves.
LFTT
Discarded & Heartbroken,
In my case, my ex started detaching from me long before he found a Schmoopie. I just didn’t comprehend it fully, somewhat denied it and spackled over it to keep us “one happy family”. When he discarded me for Schmoopie he was totally checked out so it didn’t hurt him to leave without a care, and hurt me & go full-steam ahead with Schmoopie. It’s soul-crushing. You can recover. I did. Most of us do. Do us a solid though? Follow Chump Lady’s advice here.
This was my experience too. I can actually look back and see exactly when he started erecting these walls and distancing himself, but I was so confident he’d never cheat or hurt me that I made lots of excuses for him (spackle, spackle) and believed all his gaslighting (it’s depression! it’s COVID!). I was completely devastated. I don’t even know how many schmoopies there were; he finally confessed all seven years of his double life and was (supposedly) going to ride off into the sunset with the child mistress/sugar baby half his age. Dumb@ss.
The best part is that she declined at the last minute to move in with him and I think they are probably both cheating with other people. AND I DON’T CARE. But in the beginning, I thought I would d!e from the pain and shock.
Orlando, I will!
Me too, Orlando! The years of a spouse being checked-out in a marriage before discovery of who they’re checked-IN with are soul-crushing. But I’m getting pretty close to meh 2.5 years after separating. Now I’m the one feeling detached, thankfully.
It’s going to suck for a long time, especially as you get to watch them move on. I remember having to pay for a house I did not live in while she entertained him or having her chide me for living in a crappy studio apartment after getting kicked out. The best was having her on the insurance I was paying while she was getting multiple UTIs/infections. Discard is the gift that keeps on giving, they are greedy and will use you. Hopefully you find your voice early and shut that down quickly.
This story is truly awful.
Thank you Josh. Another messed up thing is he’s going to be moving into a new apartment downtown in May, and I suppose move her in there too. But get this, the apartment is in the same building of where I work. My office actually designed that building and along with his apartment! Isn’t that so fucked up? And I’m convinced, he totally picked it on purpose to stay close to me. My coworkers will be parking in the same lot (no longer me, I’ll find somewhere else to park) where THEY will be parking. He’s truly a monster.
That will be horrible, but can you put things in the windows once you are divorced? “finally free of this cheater” with a big picture of his face? 😂
Interesting he’s picked a date before you are actually divorced, he’s very confident that that will proceed smoothly.
Ha ha ha. That tells you how stupid he is. Can’t wait until he has to admit to the mediator or a judge that he’s already engaged.
Oh yeah, he’s rubbing your nose in it. There will be more of it, but you found a great resource to get through it with ChumpLady.
What an a-hole. And yes, he probably did it intentionally because they love to f*ck with us. I’m so sorry but please know that you’re doing everything right. You are mighty! It does get better, it just takes time, unfortunately. I’m 18 months post-DDay and still not divorced (he’s lazy af and doesn’t want to pay for anything) but I am so much happier without him and after losing a year to depression and anger I’m taking back control and building a new life.
Hey – while you’re digging through the paper files and discovering horrors, don’t forget to hang onto and GIVE TO YOUR ATTORNEY any sweet cards or notes that he gave TO YOU during the dating and marriage.
I don’t know if it will tip anything further into your favor, but it may. Maybe with the right attorney and judge, it will extract more money from him to you. May your attorney also be able to recover your legal costs (crosses fingers).
He’s a fucktard of epic proportions. I’m so sorry you were harmed by him.
Okay will do!
D&H, give yourself grace. Your world has just been blown up, and your heart ripped into a million pieces. Make a list of the things your husband did to you that are unacceptable and never should be done to someone you claim to love. I’m 9 months post D-Day and still occasionally feel hopium withdrawal. Read the articles here. Read the book. Join the FB group. Hearing from others who can relate, and who can honestly tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel, even though it might seem like it is just the train now
One last time, Thank you.
On my tombstone which is almost done at the engravers of stones…the words..and she lived happily ever after..of course, Bible verses om either side of that. My sister said..there is no guarantee of that! Why are you engraving it now. Well after 2 cheaters I am done with it and will live happily from now on without sleeping in bed with a liar who said everything your liar did and extracted my nursing skill, my bank account and blew up my trusting heart on the way out. Deception is the key and keeping you off balance. It is an art form for these people. You are in shock 😲 now but channel that int believing you have not been loved, you’ve been of use and now you must get up and fight for your body mind and spirit back. You can do this. Both husbands cheated for at least 3 years each..not to mention porn and EA. This is an old story for them. Please go get that lawyer, don’t stay in shock. Plug your ears and go no contact. I’m holding you in my heart. He does not know how to love, he knows how to extract all the goodness and leave your shell. Do not let him win.
“[N]ow you must get up and fight for your body mind and spirit back.”
This goes for all chumps, everywhere.
Neva Neva NEVA give up! No cheater is ever Worth the loss of ME!
2x, thank you. I won’t let him win, I promise.
I love this. And of course you’re going to live happily ever after. Addition by subtraction. And because you are mighty.
“Fair.” Lol. His attorney is going to have to do some “client management”: “Hey, FW, you got engaged to another woman while you were still married. Start writing zeros and don’t stop until I say ‘when’.”
The biggest gaslight is “I never actually loved you.” That was news to you, I’m sure. But, like most narcissists, he doesn’t “love” – he “wants.” He wanted you, and now he wants someone else. He’ll get bored with her and want yet another person.
It hurts like hell, but you are so fortunate. You are excising this tumor from your life. You have an amazing opportunity to make sure the second half of your life is full of loving and caring people.
On DDay FW magnanimously told me that it wasn’t my fault that he married the wrong person. Gee, thanks, that is so thoughtful.
I was his first ever girlfriend. First everything. But sure, *I* was the problem.
Your right, thank you 🙂
So true.
(I’d open with “Dear Discarded and Heartbroken”, but really that’s addressing all of us.)
Again, welcome!
Yes, it DOES get easier. But it is not easy. It’s not supposed to be. You are dealing with the happiness you knew to be predicated on a lie and the future you worked toward being swallowed by a similarly shaped black hole. That’s SUPPOSED to mess you up. You have some rough times ahead of you. But you also have some BETTER times ahead of you. There will be good days and there will be crushing days. My immediate advice: shore up your support systems and don’t have any kind of conversation with this idiot that isn’t well documented/witnessed(and avoid other contact as much as you can.) You need to take care of YOU-because he isn’t.
It really is perplexing-that “dead cat bounce” when the relationship is over (for them) and they get all friendly and things feel “back to normal”-all because we’re Chumps and still in love and willing to make the same sacrifices that we made all along while they get their jollies elsewhere and bring us home the table scraps.
Make no mistake-he has been manipulating your de-realization. This person is toxic and harmful to you. You made mistakes-but they were not your fault-you, like the rest of us, simply did not know who this person really was or turned out to be. You are doing the right thing by coming here. Healing is a non-linear path as I have been (rather violently) reminded.
He accepted a downgrade. He will get his in the long run.
Thank you so much for the advice Jeff. I’ll add that as I’m piecing together the timeline, especially when I was in NYC supporting him post dental operation – is really messing with my head. That really was such a good weekend, just enjoying each other. He even tried to have sex with me for “one last hooray” – I declined the offer thank god. But I figured out that after I left, that same day just later at night, he went to go see her in NJ. Just wow. He lied and said there was a running trail he wanted to hit up before coming home. It hurts to know that I was completely used and that he truly doesn’t (and didn’t ever) give two fucks about me. I didn’t know how much of a monster he really was.
I haven’t read this is in any of the comments so far, so I’ll say it. You should see your doctor and be tested for STIs. Just in case.
“You need to take care of YOU-because he isn’t.”
Yes, indeed. One of the hard things to do is to deprogram yourself from the idea that your exFW is someone who has your best interest at heart, or cares about you. They don’t, and worst of all, they never did. That is so hard to do because it goes against what you expect from a spouse, and it goes against what you expect from a normally-wired human being. They do not think of you as a person whose interests are as important as theirs, so “fair” will never be “fair.”
Makes me feel like a fool, but at least I know now and not 10, 20, or 30 years from now.
Deprogramming! It takes awhile. I remember the words my ex tried to use during mediation to get me to agree to things that were NOT close to my or my daughter’s best interests, “It’s best for daughter/everyone.” I’m so grateful to the therapist I had at the time that was such a reality check to his BS and in my corner. She helped me remember that someone who had done all the things he had done had no track record of doing “what’s best” for anyone but himself.
Funny, I had someone try to use words like my ex used on me a week ago when they had gotten themselves into a trip planning / carpool fiasco. It was so easy to see it for what it was and not get roped into their drama and set that boundary now. (Heck I had to stop myself from going off on them for using such manipulative language.) But that’s now. 5 years ago, it probably would have worked like a charm and I would have been driving 1.5 hrs out of my way (each leg of the trip) to make things easier on someone that didn’t want to keep a promise they made to someone else.
Oh darling D&H… the searing pain hurts like an absolute mofo. We feel it for you.
When I tried to describe the pain to others (DDay July 22) that’s the word that continually came to me – “searing”. The pain is close to indescribable -basically beyond words- and that’s the stage that you’re in the middle of now.
It’s the sort of pain where falling asleep is a relief and when you wake up in the morning, for those few seconds as you wake you know that something very bad is happening in your life, if you could just remember…and then you fully wake and off course you do fully remember.
We promise, with all of our hearts that it does change.
You’re not there yet and it’s probably helpful to not force or blame yourself into thinking you have to fit a timeline to reach it.
I know for me, my observations told me that FW was clearly, well, a prize Fuckwit, but that observation didn’t actually remove or help the pain. Not for a long while.
I think the reason is that the part of our brain that reaches the observation that we are dealing with a Fuckwit and their Fucktard, disordered manipulations isn’t the same part of us that has loved this person (and if we’re honest still loves this person in the wake of DDay)
I think giving yourself permission to feel those dualities, and understand that you’ll need to travel through them, takes the pressure off yourself.
We promise that there is a point where your observations (that are serving you so very well. You spoke of your instinct as telling you that something was off) and your feelings about this person will ‘match’.
It will go something like, ‘ooh yuck, repulsive manipulative person’ coupled with a ‘goodness me, how bizarre that I once loved him’.
I don’t think it happens in one fell swoop, more in increments. Increments that give you a foreshadowing of what meh will feel like.
For me, that first glimmer was spending a couple of hours over text with a very witty friend as we settled in at our respective homes and watched the UK coronation live. It was hilarious and I didn’t think of him for one second the whole time. That was a true turning point for me, Because I felt a soupçon of happiness and meh.
During the ‘searing’ days I would tell myself ‘ok Learning’ I want you to treat yourself with as much love and tenderness as if you were a newborn baby. THATs how much care and love you can give yourself permission to feel toward yourself in the coming days, weeks and months. And everything you do, everything, can be informed by that tender, deep love, you show for you.
Part of that deep love and respect has to be to equip yourself strategically to preserve your mental health and your economic security. That’s a very hard thing to do when your heart feels shattered, but it must be done.
Your fuckwit has shown himself (and your wise instincts spotted it) to be calculating, opportunistic, greedy, manipulative, shallow and cruel. It’s really painful (but self loving) to recognise that he is going to continue to act to form and that you must protect yourself.
You are ‘fortunate’ enough to have recognised his manipulations very astutely and to simultaneously have ensured that he doesn’t know that you know.
It’s critical for that newborn dear self, that needs protecting right now, that that remains the case from now to when the very last legal doc is signed off on.
I found that it helped for me to grieve in private – cry, journal, reflect, engage in visualisations of ‘cutting spiritual ties’ (I’d imagine pushing a boat with him lying prostrate on it – a funeral pyre perhaps? And saying “I release you, our business is done”).
On a parallel track I would follow all the logistical tasks necessary for my preservation – all the things that CL wisely urges you to do, lawyers, accountants etc.
Do you know who’s going to thank you for doing the latter? The future D&H.
She’a patiently waiting at a bus stop called meh and she’s in no rush.
When she spots that bright clever architect with the warm heart, a bit tired and battle worn, trudging up towards her, she’s going to reach out and give you a huge hug and say “thank you darling for fighting for us”.’
And then together, you are going to build the beautiful, rich life that is your destiny D&H, we promise.
Learning, you’re comment is a treasure. Thank you. It made me cry – your words are so kind and helpful. I screenshot your words as I reminder to love myself – this new self – with all my heart. The searing pain I know won’t last forward.. I’ll be waiting for my Tuesday.
“(I’d imagine pushing a boat with him lying prostrate on it – a funeral pyre perhaps? And saying “I release you, our business is done”).”
I imagined mine floating face down in the Ohio River, but yeah it helped.
I feel like the Viking Funeral is a lost art. Particularly if they aren’t actually biologically deceased at the time ^_^.
I live near the Ohio. I wonder if river control has a checkbox for “fuckwit.”
Ha, He had conned me into buying a property on the River. I didn’t think we could really afford it, but he pushed. He convinced me that it would be a great place for our future grands to enjoy. Of course he kept to him self that by the end of the year he would be gone, and what he really meant was he and whore would enjoy it with the grands, and I would be kicked to the curb.
I didn’t think that for too long, but it served a purpose in short time. The property was in Rising Sun IN. He sold it not too long after we D’d. I imagine he made some nice money, but no matter, he gambled it all away.
D&H Here 💔
First off, I’m humbled and amazed by all the support in this community. Thank you all for your words and advice.
Thank you, Chump Lady, for everything. When I first sat down to write my story, I didn’t think I’d get a response. But not only did you respond here on the blog, but also in the email you sent me yesterday. I’m so thankful to have reached out when I did and receive your advice – it came right when I needed it.
A week ago, when I was served divorce papers, I lawyered up. And just yesterday (at the advice of CL) I asked my attorney about including a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) on our team. She recommended one she’d worked with many times in the past, we called her up, I told her my story, and I hired her. I told the CDFA how I’ve just started to stitch together the financial picture and need her help to visualize the entire landscape. She’s experienced with estates like ours, specializing in real-estate financial forensics. I have a very good feeling about the team I’m surrounding myself with.
In the meantime, just like many of you have advised, I’m remaining as low-contact as I possibly can so that he has no idea what I know. I’m staying with a friend so I’m safe at night. I’ve gathered as much evidence as I could (off the iPad that he didn’t change the password to yet) and saved it in my flash-drive. I have pictures, screenshots, notes, calendar events, and messages, all proving what he’s done. I’m not sure if this will help me with the divorce, but I gave it to my lawyer anyway.
The plan now is to gather the last bit of evidence: bank statements, credit card statements, and credit reports. I’ve asked my lawyer to hold off on our counter claim filing to buy the last bit of time I need for this before passwords change. He’s away (actually in NYC with her) and I’ve begun to download/save documents. I found the statement showing the ring he bought for her from Tiffany’s.
All this is to say, I do have a plan and luckily Chump Lady’s advise came at a crucial moment for me to strengthen my team and my case. I’m in shark mode and am laser focused on getting what I need for my divorce team. Come next week, I’ll hand over all the documents to my lawyer and CDFA, and probably take one big, long nap. When we file the counter claim – I really don’t think he knows what’s coming for him – I know I’ll feel some relief.
On the emotional front (when I’m not in shark mode) I’m oscillating between different stages of grief. But I’m taking in all the advice, trying to drink a lot of water, brushing my hair and teeth – and right now that feels like a victory. I’m leaning on close friends for support, and luckily my dog is the best emotional support animal one could ask for. And this community is the best divorce support group one could ask for.
Thanks again to you all. And thank you so much Chump Lady.
Wish me luck,
D&H
Damn, D&H, I’m so proud of you!!
If you are in a fault state, please hire a licensed PI licensed for the state that they are working in. You may not be able to use evidence from accounts that you are not on. I received information on an account I shared and his lawyer was threatening to go with the whole “fruit from the poisonous tree.” I did not break into any account. I did not use it at temporary hearing, bc I had obtained a PI to prove opportunity. By staying quiet, he with her advising him and needing his help (eye roll) did the digging for me. My lawyer made me obtain another PI to prove they were living together. Hopefully yours can be ruled to pay the fees. I won’t go into too much more but these cases are still being take to the Supreme Court of various states. Use of electronic devices and such. Family court may not care, but protect yourself from a civil jury trial. Fight like hell and expect them to USE EVERYTHING to make you into the bad guy. Enjoy when the counter is delivered. Get em, girl!
Thank you!! I will seriously consider hiring a PI.. although I’m not in an at-fault state I would imagine that proving that he was cheating and is now engaged could only help my case.
Dear Jean,
You are handling all this with amazing courage and clarity (even though I know that inside, you’re cycling through all the stages of grief). As you say, your ex doesn’t know what’s coming for him, and what’s coming is a remarkably smart woman and a legal system that pursues truth and enforces fairness. Just writing to wish you all strength, especially in the times when you may feel tired or down as is probably inevitable. We are here, and are cheering you on.
Leedy
Thank you so much Leedy <3
I wish you endless joy and happiness in your new life.
I understand your pain, grief and confusion- lots of us here are where you are – still firmly mired in the filth as we edge our way through the legal process.
We walk with you and encourage you every step.
Keep moving and don’t give up even when you feel it will be easier.
He is an opponent and stands between you and your new freedom.
Get him down to the mat and make sure he stays there.
No retreat, no surrender, no mercy.
This is the fight of your life- and you will win and make it to the other side of hell.
You are mighty.
You. Will. Win.
Blue thank you, I really appreciate the support
Good luck! I’m so glad I responded when I did and you got a CDFA! Buckle up. I’m sure she’s going to find some shadiness and under-handed dealing. If he’s this brazen about stuff you know, imagine the stuff you don’t. You’re navigating this really well. I know it feels like hell now, but you’ll look back later and be really proud of how you handled it.
Reading all this gives me a funny feeling that he’s hidden money somehow or even transferred assets to the side piece.
CL, You’re so right. And you are such a life saver, thank you
Wishing you lots of luck as requested, but frankly you sound so competent (immediately hiring a good team and surreptitiously collecting evidence) that you very definitely are going to be okay. I’m so sorry that you needed to join CN, and please keep us posted. Thousands of chumps are pulling for you, Jean.
Thank you Eirene!
Oh yeah. Get those marital assets back and get rid of him. It hurts a lot at first, almost like you want to die. But oh wow it will get so much better.
I am counting down to the one year mark where I never have to talk to my ex again, as our son will turn 18 and graduate. I have a skip in my step and joy that is visible. My life is amazing now, if not quite what I had imagined when I was a young bride with this ex.
He was never who you thought he was. He decided he couldn’t keep up the mask and needed new kibbles. Take this time to get your ducks in a row, do fun things for yourself and only yourself, and realize they won’t have a happy ever after. Because he sucks, genuinely. She is signing on for life with a man who has zero empathy and nothing to give in personal relationships. He is literally a hologram.
Now get through this with a good lawyer and go off to live your best life. If you find yourself thinking of him, remember, if this was a friend’s spouse and you found out about his behavior, how would you see him? You would see him for the jerk, fw that he is and encourage your friend to leave and live her best life. Be that friend to yourself and encourage that!
No matter how he shows himself to the world, hologram man has no feelings and cannot live happily ever after. You, however, can. Do it!
“Be that friend to yourself” – I really needed to read that. Thank you so much for your comment :).
Being ‘fair’- hahaha!!
Old Ballbag McGee lied in court about the date we separated just so he could marry The Triffid- it’s got to be 2 years of separation before divorce in NZ.
I didn’t lawyer up and expected him to be ‘fair’
Spoiler- he was not!
They took my kids for good measure because he wouldn’t let her breed her own and ruined 2 out of 3.
This time around, old Dickhead McCluggage- liar, thief and cheater extraordinaire is shit out of luck.
He replaced me while I was working overseas- just because.
He didn’t like the reality he had so made up a new one including a shiny gullible new partner. Someone I know and hoo boy is she in for some jiggery pokery.
I’m here in my old home country to sign papers that will drag his miserable ass into court because he believes he deserves to own everything and I nothing.
We may even cross paths- and he’ll run away from me like he did last time .
It can’t be easy doing that with no spine.
Fight for yourself and don’t stop until they’re down on the mat.
Wow that is crazy, thank you for sharing that. I won’t stop fighting until I win, I promise.
Since UX doesn’t seem to be around today, I’ll take a stab at it.
Sung to the tune of For Once In My Life by Stevie Wonder
For once, twice, a zillion I have a chump who believes me
Loved her eight whole weeks long
For once, twice, it’s thrillin’, I go where my heart leads me
And by heart I mean dong
For once or whatever I can reach out and grab it
I think it’s name is Sue
Or was that another one I knew
At any rate, this song’s for you
For once, twice etcetera my love is romantic
And I’ll take all the dough
For once and some change, hey don’t be dramatic
Twu wuv is costly you know
For once yada yada it is fate that has joined us
Well, it was Tinder too
You’ve been replaced. Hooray for you!
And you’re served. What’s a guy to do?
Ooh baby
My teeth are doing great
We’re celebrating week eight
Ooh baby
For once bla bla bla bla bla bla
Omg this is amazing. The teeth line had me dying!
YOU CHAMPION!!! Brilliant. For once aka countless black black etc etc yadayada wotevs … hilarious. UXWorld, you are going to have to share the crown.
bla bla got changed grrr
This is superb! Best lines: “And by heart I mean dong,” and “My teeth are doing great.” I loved!
Dear Discarded, first of all my deepest condolences to you on discovering the treachery of this evil son of a bitch. Chump Lady’s advice, as always, is excellent and on point and will help to save your life. If it would help your case with finance/assets, you might also consider getting a PI if you can afford it. They can accumulate a lot of evidence, research backgrounds, present things without bias and emotion, and serve as witnesses all with a minimum of effort and emotion on your part. It may not be appropriate or financially doable for you, but I frequently think it’s a good thing as it also helps to make the FW’s behavior “real” to the Chump, and gives you a broader sense of who and what they are and the need to PROTECT YOURSELF at this point. He could well turn vicious, legally, financially and possibly physically. IF YOU DO HAVE TO HAVE ANY CONVERSATIONS WITH HIM (I’d avoid this) RECORD THEM AND/OR HAVE A WITNESS PRESENT. Be aware of the laws in your state, but I would do this for my own protection even if I didn’t use them in court. This man’s view of reality is abnormal.
My thoughts for what it’s worth. You don’t fall in love and decide to marry someone in 2 months especially when you’re already married….and apparently happily. That is not normal, sane behavior. It just isn’t. He met her on an online app – he doesn’t know her at all. Not as a person. But I think the key to many of these people is that the entire world for them exists INSIDE THEIR HEADS. We say they don’t have empathy for others, but more than that, life basically is a fantasy they work out inside their own heads and they share very little of that with others. The only time they really share any genuine thoughts is if you are a potential asset to them in achieving one of the goals inside their heads, or an obstacle to achieving that. There are no genuine EMOTIONS, these are all scripted based on what they think the “other” would like to hear/see and what would accomplish their own goals. This is perhaps why we can NEVER REALLY UNDERSTAND THESE PEOPLE. And there is no point in trying because you can’t truly get inside someone else’s head. It’s like a giant cavern with twists and turns only THEY know. You can only judge them by their behavior towards you and others – how they act. That’s the only true basis of what anyone is really like.
You’ll never understand his motivation here, not really. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. For some reason, he’s decided that this person – this Non Player Character (NPC – because she’s not real to him) – is going to fulfill whatever scheme he has going on in his head in a way that you can’t or no longer do for him. This has nothing to do with YOU. It may not even have to do with HER personally. This is the view of the world and the future he has SOLELY IN HIS MIND that he does not or cannot share with others. This is why frequently they are not able to explain themselves – because sometimes they don’t even understand why they do these things, it’s like animal instinct, or because they know saying what their real reasons are would just appall any normal human being. Life is strictly transactional for them and based almost solely on what’s in their own heads. There is NO actual mutuality or sharing.
I know I tend to go on, sorry about that, but I think you need to chalk this up to having the bad luck of being taken in by a highly abnormal person who is effed up to the core. There is nothing you can do about this but be grateful that you DID find out, that you still have some time and youth left – possibly considerable – that he’s someone else’s problem now. Be thankful also that he did not attempt to hurt you physically for money (like insurance) as this is the kind of person who views people as things to use. Don’t ever ever ever ever ever, for any reason ever, consider taking him back because he will never change. He can’t. It’s like a different species. No matter what he presents to you, THIS is the real person you are seeing now. The best you can do right now is protect yourself legally and financially as much as possible and when you are ready, GO NO CONTACT FOREVER. It hurts to be fooled by a creature like this but it’s also great to be free of them because this was going to cost you greatly, one way or another over time, and if you look back…..you’ll probably see red flags showing you that this person is not just quirky or eccentric or individual or independent….but truly abnormal. Good luck!
“There are no genuine EMOTIONS, these are all scripted based on what they think the “other” would like to hear/see and what would accomplish their own goals.”
I think this may be why when we DO see emotions from them, they are so often anger – rage even – frustration, confusion – because emotions from them usually come about when they are thwarted in their goals by normal people who also think that THEY have a right to achieve their needs and goals too. Other people transitioning from an asset to a liability tends to bring out the really negative shit they hide inside themselves.
Mehitable, it’s almost as if you know my Cheater. Describing him the way you did is spot on. Cold, calculated, and transactional is how he operates, all under the disguise of a charming handsome real-estate man. And yes to the only true emotions he would express would be that of rage. He’d rage when I didn’t fit perfectly into the way he wanted things.. and he’d often criticize everything about me to keep me small and keep himself big. I do have time left for my chapter two – I’m in my mid-thirties. He did rob me of my twenties, but at least I still have many years ahead to look forward too. Years with him completely cut out of my life. Thank you.
Discarded and Heartbroken,
I’m so sorry you’re having to deal w/your fuckwit. He’s really a nasty tool. Everybody here at CN empathizes.
Listen hard and follow as much of the advice that you get here, is my suggestion. It’s not easy, especially early on after D-day, but w/a lot of time, it will get easier.
And you may even realize that you have dodged some bullets w/this character. No children is a big one. Only five years married is good, too, but I know you were w/him longer and it doesn’t seem like it.
In a way, he’s given you a gift. He’s discarded you, and that feels shitty at first. But you may discover (once you fully accept how much he sucks), that you won out. It’s better not to go through life living w/a fuckwit. He doesn’t know it, but he’s doing you a big favor making it clear what a shitheel he is now.
There are many whose fuckwits tried to have it both ways for extended periods, torturing their chumps by clinging on in some way, and not making it easy for their chumps to break away from them.
You will go on to much bigger and better things and people. I’m wishing you your best possible life. Without that fuckwit. Take care of yourself, get help if needed, and we’re always here for you.😊
Thank you loving run. I am starting the realize (albeit slowly) that I really did dodge a bullet. Thank goodness I don’t have kids with him.
“He’s doing you a big favor making it clear what a shitheel he is now”–absolutely.
Oh, I am so sorry, DaH.
The engagement isn’t surprising, unfortunately. He used you for post-op care, because he views you as a wife appliance. He needs another wife appliance, and this one will do, even if he hasn’t known her that long. (My ex/FW also pushed engagement very quickly, although on me – I would bet it’s surprisingly common)
Things do get better with time. Therapy helps with healing, too. But you have to make it through the divorce – and you can! A good lawyer makes a world of difference, so make sure your legal counsel is capable of handling your case. You can do it. It’ll be so much better once you get through it.
Thank you for your advice!
No problem! While I didn’t have to divorce my FW (we didn’t get married), one of my parents had a very messy divorce with a marital scammer who lied about how said parent treated us – made up all sorts of insane BS. The legal counsel makes all the difference.
Stay safe and take care of yourself. Find people who you can trust and confide in them. Take time to relax whenever you can. We’re here for you.
how are fellow chumps finding out about personal loans from a credit report? I have a copy of my FW credit report but it doesn’t even show the multiple secret bank accounts he had!
“He begged me to come with to help support him post-op – and when I obliged, he was happy and thankful.”
Whoreface Cousinfucker had wanted me to attend her when she had surgery on twisted blood vessels pressing on several nerves in her head.
She’d already split on me at that point, so I declined.
Apparently I wasn’t supposed to reject her like that.
I guess in her mind she’s the only one allowed to accept or reject people.
“Discarded and Heartbroken” is the most suitable name for virtually every dear Chump who finds their way here to Chump Lady. My own original moniker would have been “Discarded, Heartbroken and Blindsided.”
Chump Lady nailed it yet again. If I could tell the letter writer one thing it would be, “Believe it.” This is a process — from suspicion to discovery to the five stages of grief to the cheater’s lies about putting it back together to…. Tuesday.
Tuesday really is out there.
If I could add one piece of learned wisdom to the trove of invaluable offerings here, it would be this: The first person to use the word “amicable” or the phrase “Let’s not bring lawyers into this” is secretly confessing that they already know they’re at fault and have the most to lose.
That FW is appealing to the Chump’s still-intact decent humanity. In other words, that FW is willing to f**k the Chump over one more time so that the FW’s getaway is easier and faster.
Don’t fall for it. Go cold, go strictly no contact and let professionals protect you.
So…. when will it be Tuesday? That depends on a thousand different factors, but it’s all out there. If it helps, think of your situation as you would if you woke up in the middle of the night to find your house burning around you and your cheater already standing in the yard with a box of matches and a can of gasoline in his/her hands… while pleading “Let’s not call the fire department! Their investigation will only mess things up when I try to collect insurance!”
Get out of the house and away from the person with the matches. Healing will come later, but you won’t get there is you allow a FW to convince you it’s safer to listen to their advice.
It is exhilarating for us to see a Chump do so well – especially right out of the gate. My chum-dim was pre-CL so there was not place for me to get this important coaching, but truth be told, I was such a hopium-filled spackle-queen, I would have ignored the best advise.
Among my many missteps were: telling him I knew within minutes of learning of the affair, asking him “why?”, not taking a generous initial offer for a division of assets, and welcoming him back post-affair with no conditions…Im sure there were many more mistakes, but that is all I remember now.
I remember actually having a conversation with him about the ring he had planned to buy Susan of Seattle…her fiancé was a high-end jeweler and if she broke up with him for my Cheater, she would forfeit the $39,000 ring she wore. He told me he “joked” about getting her a $40,000 one to replace it. Mind you, at the time, we had 3 school-aged kids with no college funds and I kept the family budget floating caring for dying children for a living.
(A bizarre aside is that in a rare moment of sharing, Cheater told me that Susan taught him about diamonds over dinner and he learned that round diamonds like hers were the most preferred and expensive. Imagining that conversation happening while I was home tending my difficult responsibilities made me vomit a few times. Years later when I was dating my now-husband, I wasn’t sure what diamond I would send up with but I was sure it would NOT be round).
My specific comment for newbies is about the “fair” settlement idea. My Cheater wanted me to acquiesce and go away quietly not telling everyone he was a Cheater and part of that was offering me a very generous settlement. I refused because I was pick-me dancing and full of hopium. I made a mistake not getting everything I could but even though it would have been best to get what I could…I warn to watch for offers like his which weren’t even based in reality.
The offer he verbally mentioned would have cost him more than he made. And we all know how that stuff goes “she took me to the cleaners and left me with nothing” – never mind it was all his idea.
Im careful here to never suggest people emulate anything I did in my journey even though I ended up fine… I thought we had a bad 7 year wreckonsillyation but it was a bad 5 year wreckonsillyation since he was probs still in the affair the first 2 years. After years of fighting for my marriage, I gave up and told God that I released him to go wherever was best for him whereupon he dropped dead.
My first instinct isnto question that 2 months timeline. It’s possible. But it’s also possible that it’s been longer.
Doesn’t matter though. He’s done the huge favour of showing who he is! And providing proof! Something tasty for the bulldog divorce lawyer to chew on. Nom nom nom, fuckwit going down!
Every single person here will tell you, Discarded & Heartbroken, that this horror show comes with unbelievable pain and tears that never seem to stop. If you have the resources, find a trauma therapist ASAP to help you get through the time ahead. There’s a CL support group that is private and moderated on Reddit as well as a FB group (that may be risky while you are keeping what you know away from FW). You can get a lot of support from other Chumps.
That therapist, the tough attorney versed in high-conflict divorce, and a forensic account type are top members of your new support team. You should tell at least one or two other people, but only those you can 100% trust. No “mutual friends.” I told my BFF, one other friend, and my sibling. (The “other friend” got tossed off the team for not getting that this shit is painful.) It’s very helpful to have people know who care only about your survival and well-being. If you have a solid relationship with a parent or sibling, that can be very helpful. Keep everyone else in the dark.
Here are some practical matters: secure anything that is valuable to you and easily removed from your home: jewelry, cameras, family heirlooms, even artwork. You don’t want the WannabeNextWife to walk off with your diamond earrings. Secure any of your personal paperwork. Change all your passwords (computer, phone, online stuff, banking). Run a credit check on yourself and get tested for STDs (a full physical is a good idea in any case).
Exercise–walk, do yoga, go to the gym. If you have trouble eating (as many of us did), add a protein shake with fruit and a leafy green to your diet. You can drink some nutrition that way to keep up your health. Take a multi-vitamin. Don’t self-medicate.
Start imagining the new life you want to create. That will help you tell your lawyer what to fight for. I started with “what kind of woman do I want to be, going forward?” and “What kind of home do I want?”