Good morning Chump Lady,
I’m a 53 year-old male living in Vancouver, Canada with a question about revenge!
I recently found out my wife of 14 years has been cheating on me with mutual friend of ours. I knew something was up with my wife, but didn’t know it was a so called friend. When I checked my wife’s phone records, I saw his name pop up like about 3-4 times a day! When I first approached her about this, she said were just friends and texting, not to worry, no harm. So I text our friend and ask him. He says the same thing.
First time fool here, so I say “no problem,” but then two weeks later I read her texts and there was a pretty bad sexual text. “I miss you between my legs.”
Second time fool, wow I was devastated. So here’s my real question — he is a married with a high-profile job in our city. I have thought about using the media to bring him down and down hard, so I’m asking your advice, do I or don’t I, bring my hurt to him and his family?
Last Time Fool
Well, that would be delicious, wouldn’t it? The other man surrounded by a scrum of reporters, stammering, trying to spin his sexts. “You misunderstand ‘between her legs!’ I mean, yes, Mrs. Last Time Fool and I enjoy the occasional game of Twister. A family game! We also reminisce about our wholesome recreations, like Bible study and badminton. I utterly resent your insinuations!”
And then he is presented with his penis photo tweet, and he has to explain how Bible study gives him a boner. He resigns in shame, as his world falls apart.
Ah, revenge fantasies. Problem is, fantasies rarely come to life the way in which we imagine them. Could be you approach the media, and they don’t give a flip. Public figure has affair. Ho hum. (Although maybe instead of the media, you could approach his political opponent. I’m sure they’d run with it.)
Thing with lobbing grenades is, you don’t want to stand too close to them after they go off. Bad way to die. Used to be those poor guys in World War II had to carry grenades around — an explosive held together by a PIN. (Whose design idea was that anyway?) Then they came up with grenade launchers. Much better idea to throw explosives from a great distance.
So think grenade launcher. If you’re going to set off an explosion, better to do it from a position of safety, far from the resulting fire storm.
You’ve got damaging information on this guy. Give it to your divorce attorney. (You’re going to divorce your cheating wife, right? Because she’s the real problem here, you understand that, right? It could be any guy between her legs. She just chose this doofus.) You get the divorce you want, with the custody arrangement that suits you (assuming you have children), and you don’t go to the media with the Other Man’s extracurricular activities. It sure would be a shame if you had to depose him.
Don’t think revenge, LTF, think leverage.
Get safely away from both of these cheaters before you lob your bombs. Or defuse your bombs if that’s what it takes to get away. The important thing is to GET AWAY from them.
And more than the media, tell the Other Man’s wife what’s going on. She deserves to know she’s been chumped. You didn’t cause the pain she’s feeling — her husband did. Telling is always a kindness — you’re giving her the dignity of the truth. On the advisement of your lawyer, however, you might tell her after you’ve safely extracted yourself from this situation.