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“How Affairs Make My Marriage Stronger”

Did anyone catch this tabloid-ish piece of dreck “How Affairs Make My Marriage Stronger” posted at CNN yesterday? (And still on their homepage as I type.)

A young woman, and mother of two, bold enough to write proudly about her affairs, but not bold enough to sign her name, writes an exposé about how fucking around improves her marriage. Strangely, she doesn’t write about the sex so much as how much she enjoys cocktail hour and wine bars with different men.

The affairs aren’t my real life. They’re fancy cocktails and tiny plates and falling asleep without the whooshing sound of a baby monitor. And they make me that much happier for the family I do have.

I always find these cheater juxtapositions so interesting. Screwing around is fun! Because… it makes me appreciate my family so much more.

WTF? They never just leave it at “screwing around is fun” — there has to be some Higher Purpose like, say, improving your marriage. Sure, it may LOOK like I’m not committed, but REALLY that’s the secret to commitment! Be LESS committed!

If you want to go the distance with this commitment thing (according to her article she has gone an entire SIX MONTHS without an affair), you have to indulge in your little selfish whims once and awhile. Then circle back to home life, until your husband and two preschoolers make you long for anonymous hook up sex… and canapés on tiny plates at swanky wine bars.

You know, I’ve always agreed with the whole-take-care-of-yourself-so-you-have-energy-for-your-family theory, but I guess I was just leaving it at pedicures and socializing with girlfriends. I failed to think outside the box to Craigslist and boffing co-workers.

A few months after our son was born, I quickly got into a relationship with a former co-worker. It wasn’t great — I really would have rather been at home with my son, and I felt I was punishing myself for my husband’s behavior during my pregnancy. I liked my co-worker, but I know I pushed us into romantic territory fast because I wanted to feel desired. My husband and I had some huge fights during that time, and we both uttered the word “divorce.” But deep down, neither of us wanted that. We love each other. We also seriously like other people.

I don’t know about you, but a few months after my son was born, I had vomit in my hair, leaky breasts, and an abdomen of silly putty. I felt about as sexy as road asphalt. But I did feel desired — by an infant, who was latched to my boob 24/7 like a barnacle. I was really, really desired — especially at those 2 a.m. feedings. The barnacle didn’t sleep through the night until 11 months.

Morals aside, how on earth do you make the time to cheat as the mother of an INFANT? I mean, I’m a pretty good multi-tasker, but on my best days with a baby I met my editorial deadlines and got in a shower too. Wine bars? Seduction? Sex? Inherent in these cheating women narratives is this vein of superiority — I’m so edgy and special, the regular drudgery of childrearing doesn’t apply to me. My body doesn’t repulse me, or other people — heck no! Men adore me! My world magically aligns to find time for exciting affairs and sexy talk with strangers.

I call bullshit. Either your husband was home doing the heavy lifting or you’ve got an enormous nanny bill or you’re a neglectful parent. Or all three. And your post-pregnancy body? You can find some man to fuck anything if it’s willing. Personally, it would creep me out to work with such a person, but apparently it doesn’t bother you.

According to her article, her husband cheats as well, but it’s not an open marriage, it’s a “don’t ask, don’t tell” marriage. Secrecy! It makes a marriage stronger! “Like the French.”

The poor French. French people — I’d like to apologize for the thousands of moronic Americans who do something stupid, but want to appear sophisticated and invoke your culture. “I’m not wearing a ridiculous hat sideways, it’s a BERET, it’s French!” “Did I cheat on my husband and neglect small children? I’m sure that looks bad to Puritans like you, but not to the French! The French understand me. I am just a worldly flaneur, lost in a harsh, judgmental world.”

I’m embarrassed for you, French people. I’m sure you don’t condone infidelity any more or less than any other European country, you just make better movies. Perhaps you could start a campaign and pin amoral sophistication on the Finnish or something.

Anyway, back to the story of two small children and two cheating parents — that doesn’t sound happy or invested. It sounds chaotic and uncommitted. I’m sorry cleaning up baby puke isn’t as fun as dating strangers, but it’s what grown ups do. And here’s a novel thought — when grown-up parents go out on dates — they go out with each other! Between your biweekly affairs and your husband’s, how you find time to sit down to dinner together, I have no idea.

If I were to play armchair shrink, I’d say your affairs are just the pick me dance to your husband’s affairs, but you want to spackle some kind of sexual “equality” over this shit. You’re afraid he’ll leave you (as you write), so you just try to appear every bit as uninvested as he is — and you say that works for you.

Okay, it works for you. That’s very different than saying it’s a strong, invested, “better” marriage.

Once every few weeks, there’s something magical about being out with a man who’s not my husband. Just call it the secret spark that keeps my marriage alive.

No, you devote your energies to keeping your affairs alive, not your marriage. Your marriage is one of convenience, not of intimate devotion. How do I know? Why do you need a co-worker to find you desirable after your first pregnancy? Where’s your husband? Oh, that’s right — he was fucking someone else during your pregnancy. Why isn’t he reassuring you? Why isn’t he looking at your abdomen of silly putty with the drunk goggles of love? Could it be because he has carte blanche to step out and screw women with flatter stomachs than yours?  You’re of use to him. The veneer of a family life and the liberty to mess around. You’ll match his lack of investment and try and tell us it’s magical, unconventional, and “the secret spark” to a more exciting marriage.

What’s “magical” is the spackle that tries to transform sad desperation into devotion.

I’m not buying it.

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    • Yea…I just read it too. What a piece of junk writing indeed….
      Makes me sick…

  • Why get married at all!?! I really don’t get it! Secret relationships = CHEATING!

    Sure, having a stranger pay you a compliment, buy you a drink and fuck your brains out (no matter what you look like on the outside) could give your confidence a boost but at the end of the day, you remain a shallow, cheap, empty soul posing as a real human being with integrity. But hey… long as you’re happy!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Kimmy – I know, right? This is something my STBXW (with whom you, unfortunately share a name) said a lot over the last few years (before I knew about her affairs), “I deserve to be happy!” So be happy, just don’t claim to have any integrity or to care about “the best interested of our children.”

      • TwinsDad, if I heard “I deserve to be happy” one more time I think my head would have exploded!!!! They seriously can’t come up with something better than that????

        • No they cannot come up with anything better than that, because that was the Flaming Turd’s go-to phrase when confronted with questions by confused family members – he wasn’t happy and he deserved to be happy. I was living with a narcissistic, passive-aggressive, cheating freak who spent his time attempting to keep me as unhappy as possible. Hell to the No your lying, cheating, scheming, disordered ass didn’t deserve to be happy if I didn’t.

          • My favorite response to, “I deserve…….” statements? ” Ah..NO! The Universe doesn’t owe YOU or any of us a damn thing, but it gets even worse when you flout moral laws and disregard the ethical treatment of others.”

    • OMG!! That’s what stbx is… A shallow empty soul posing as a real human beeing with integrity! He is posing to be this great Dad doing things with the kids and it has to be put on Facebook to validate to everyone how wonderful he is.
      Also his smoopy which I know for a fact is never home always training for marathons, biking and triathlons always with stbx. Her husbsnd is with the kids or babysitters, while she is of doing stbx. These people think they are unique and special. They think they have the market cornered on happiness but all they are is selfish, self absorbed morons who
      lie, cheat, hurt and destroy families.

  • Sometimes I think that humans have separated into two different sub-species. I just can’t understand this other branch of humanity that thinks this way. It doesn’t compute to me. How can this make anyone happy? I’d feel like shit every single day. I’d feel empty and disgusted with myself. Sometimes I wonder if I’m the one who has a defect. Am I just so high up on my moral high horse that this repulses me? Stuff like this is everywhere and becoming the cultural norm and I feel like I’m screaming at the top of my lungs while the crowd of amoral zombies staggers by me without even a notice. It’s damn depressing.

    • Judging by the comments, most people are appalled. CNN and HuffPo and other places just publish this stuff because they KNOW it’s controversial and will evoke a discussion, page views, and comments — the currency of online media.

      Kind of today’s side show freaks, IMO. Look at the bearded lady!

      Of course, today the bearded lady writes articles trying to convince us that life is better with facial hair.

    • I agree, RNE. This level of shallowness escapes me. I get wanting to feel attractive after being cheated on, but this boggles the mind.

    • I feel the same way, RNE. I’m hardly a puritan or conservative, but damn, what has happened to our culture? I realize things were far from terrific in the “old days,” but how have we descended into this cesspool of immorality, casual cruelty, narcissism and disconnect?

    • I’m right there with you. If these people were single (and without children), this random hooking up wouldn’t be hurting anyone (though not my personal cup of tea).

      If having an anti-deception view is being on a “high horse,” this Generation Y member is happy to perch there with you. 🙂

  • She had me at abnormal pap smear. This guy is sexting women without a condom. She is extremely stupid if she thinks he is using a condom with his closer sex buddies.

    • I thought the same thing. They don’t discuss because they “trust” — really, you trust him to use a condom?

      And even if you use a condom, there’s no such thing as safe sex, unfortunately. You just have to do the risk analysis for yourself. Between her messing around and his, I’d say they’re running quite a risk of herpes or HPV (probably have that, it’s so common). But affairs are about magical reality. STDs don’t exist there.

      • “And even if you use a condom, there’s no such thing as safe sex, unfortunately.”


  • Bullshit !!
    That can never be a marriage. It only appears to be one. Is it just for the sake of “appearances?”

  • “Inherent in these cheating women narratives is this vein of superiority — I’m so edgy and special, the regular drudgery of childrearing doesn’t apply to me. My body doesn’t repulse me, or other people — heck no! Men adore me! My world magically aligns to find time for exciting affairs and sexy talk with strangers.”

    Hit the nail on the head! This attitude that “I’m so special and can do what I want with absolutely no consequences” makes me want to projectile vomit. Seriously vomit.

    • It is true; these folks think rules of acceptable behavior are for losers and they use our good intentions against us. There is always a “great” reason for why they are not bound by the rules of us mere mortals. They are unique, they are intellectually superior, they are are legends in their own minds! On the flip side, they are entitled to engage in reprehensible conduct. Poor thing, having to deal with the needs of a newborn. Can’t be the star of the show with a crying baby in your arms.

      At one time, I thought this air of superiority was a way to hide deep-seated feelings of inferiority. After many years and alot of crazy, I think these kinds of people are just assholes! They truly believe they are “all that and a bag of chips.” If the attention is not on them, they will damn sure do something to get your attention, no matter how hurtful or destructive.

      I have shared some of my experiences here about some of the creepy things the OW has done to get noticed by me. I steadfastly refuse to acknowledge her, because I know it would only fan the flames. At this point, I don’t even believe what she does has anything to do with me or her feelings about me. Rather, it’s about creating drama and drama means attention. Even bad attention is better than no attention (and that is why I give her no attention). These folks always find a seat on the karma bus. They misbehave because it puts the spotlight on them. Eventually, the consequences of that behavior catch up with them, and they find themselves up the creek without a paddle.

      In addition to saving money for her child’s education, I hope the author of this article is saving up for future therapy bills. With the kind of parents that poor baby has, there is no way he is coming out unscathed.

      • “At one time, I thought this air of superiority was a way to hide deep-seated feelings of inferiority. After many years and alot of crazy, I think these kinds of people are just assholes! ”

        Absolutely. I don’t buy the narrative that narcissists really have a ball of self-hatred and low self esteem hidden underneath their superior exteriors. I see them really believing they are superior, really believing they are entitled, really believing their own grandiose sparkle and bullshit.

        • Oh, Glad.
          Your spot on I have had those working with my STBX say things like ‘he’s broken, this is hurting him’
          Not from where I’m standing. STBX is so shit sure of himself, he believes every twisted lie he utters. He sees no reason to be ashamed of his actions, or take responsibility for the aftermath of what he has done because it’s in his past ( bull ). Acording to STBX’s current behavior apparently going and having oral sex with some random other and then coming home to me and the kids should have no cosequence in his book. His unbridled sense of entitlement and self justification seriously scares the crap out of me.
          The concept that you can go and do what ever makes you feel good including cheating and putting yours and your unsuspecting spouses life at risk makes me really angry.

        • ” I don’t buy the narrative that narcissists really have a ball of self-hatred and low self esteem hidden underneath their superior exteriors. ”

          Someone made that up so us mere mortals would continue to allow these types to shit all over us. Some well paid therapist, of course …..

      • “Can’t be the star of the show with a crying baby in your arms.” Just about the pinnacle of selfishness – for a man or woman.

        • No, I believe this self hatred.

          It is so huge that they CANNOT look at themselves. If they did, their inner emptiness would implode. You actually have to like or believe in your inherent goodness a little bit, or believe in the love of a higher power, to have the courage to look at your inner darkness.

          I get it. It is the outer reaches of empty dark hell that these people live in. They battle and battle to keep it together – in the realms of fantasy and self delusion. That is why their heads remain firmly up their arses, and they are unable to hear anyone else. They are not human (connectivity and empathy). They really, do not have human connectivity. They are freaks. It must be terrible.

  • I’m stuck at this: “Either your husband was home doing the heavy lifting or you’ve got an enormous nanny bill or you’re a neglectful parent. Or all three.”

    Exactly. Even the most well-mannered baby needs constant care. This mom wasn’t filling that role. Despite saying she’d “rather be home with her son”, her actions say otherwise. She’d rather be out getting a temporary high by getting groped by other men. So that’s exactly what she did. Does the Casey Anthony case ring a bell? They could title this article “Tales of a Bad Mom”.

    • I had three ridiculously easy pleasant babies, helpful and involved spouse, no nanny or sitters and I had no time or energy left for anything that didn’t involve an elastic waistband. I got so much satisfaction from the little chipmunks, there was no infinite selfish hole to be filled and I bawled as each one went to school (still do 16 yrs later). I call bull on this tripe. Who are these people? If making crap up online is a job, sign me up.

      • nic – she may be making it up, but there are definitely narcs out there that behave this way and justify it in their minds. I know one very well. I think it is just hard for us chumps to imagine how a person can do these things and feel the way they describe because it is so far removed from our normal, empathetic way of thinking.

      • Nic, you sound like an awesome mom. The lady in the article, if she’s real, should not be a parent…

    • The “soul mate” OW who was fucking my ex had two little boys under the age of five, both with autism. She hired a babysitter to stay with them at 6 AM so she could fuck my husband in our minivan. My guess is the slut who wrote this article does the same.

  • Hmmm, I am sceptical about the truth of some of the stuff in that article.

    I don’t know any woman who a few months after having a baby is out shagging around. Getting dressed, forming sentences, not leaking milk and holding it together is the best most manage. A lot of women have such battered & bruised foofs it takes at least a few months before you could even contemplate the thought of a very familiar penis, attached to someone who hopefully loves you come anywhere near you – let alone the kind of enthusiasm an unfamiliar, lusty “new relationship” penis might bring.

    Are we really supposed to believe that “anonymous” slipped out of her sexy nursing bra, unstuck those slightly damp nursing pads, didn’t think twice about her still squishy tummy & amorously engaged with a co-worker just months after having a baby? Bollocks, I simply don’t believe it!

    However, that is just the logistics. The whole article is repulsive. “Anonymous” just sounds like a slapper. I work in PR & attend lots of events & functions and it is only the desperate who go to those things & hook up with attendees. You can spot them a mile off; overt flirting, heavy drinking, overlong gazes. Urgh, it is all so tawdry and more to the point OBVIOUS.

    And, and (I’m on a roll now) “Anonymous” doesn’t even sound happy about her marriage. She says she has closed down part of her brain to deal with it all. She doesn’t trust her husband & she worries he’ll find someone else. No one in their right mind could think that a few cheap thrills are worth all of that – could they?

    • Exactly! I agree she doesn’t sound happy in her marriage at all.

      And nursing bras… so awful. Sleeping in a bra… waking up in a puddle of milk. I suppose that’s a kink to someone, but yeah — really? I’m nearly 17 years out — I remember how exactly UNsexy that time in my life was.

    • Someone that selfish doesn’t breastfeed. I am betting on a boatload of nannies and nurses.

      • I agree. My best bet is that she didn’t breast feed and if you don’t, in a matter of 8 weeks, it will dry up….viola no more leaky breasts.

        Squishy middle or not, there is usually some narcissist you can find to boink as long as there are no strings attached and you feed their kibble needing ego. How many of us have had our ex’s cheat on us with overweight or even obese OW/OM?

        I’d love to believe these people make this shit up and no one like this exists in our world but let’s face it, if that were true we wouldn’t have the chump lady.

        • One can bottle feed and not be selfish.

          Aside from that, those losers should not have had kids because it’s pretty freaking obvious the kids are an accessory…something to parade around, only a reflection of their own selfish wonderfulness.

          There are no winners in this crap fest. The biggest losers will be the kids, who are simply tools.

  • What a couple of fucktards – they deserve each other. Let them stay married, it saves us chumps from having to accidentally date them!
    I do feel sorry for the kids. This woman is a total narc – she will never make a good parent.
    And – to just goes to prove – some people will fuck anything

  • Seriously? I too read this on the CNN website. So glad you responded to it CL.

    There’s nothing magical about what she’s doing. She sounds pathetic and lost. I feel for the kids. Nothing like having Mom write online about how she screws around. Classy.

    It amazes me that people “buy into” this justification. Until infidelity happens to you, I don’t think you can gauge how unsexy and brutal it is. There’s nothing sophisticated about it. All infidelity takes is two weak individuals who happen upon each other and decide it’s worth the risk to have sex despite being in committed relationships.

    You can dress up a pig too but like they say, it’s still a pig.

  • A Provincial American’s Idea of How to be French

    1. Wear a mask of smug superiority. Do not let your suspicions that you might be full of shit worry you at all.

    2. Have an affair. For men, it is better to keep a regular mistress.

    3. Learn some French words and phrases: “oui”, “merci beaucoup”, “ménage à trois”, and “voulez-vous coucher avec moi” will do nicely as a start, and they are–in fact–essential.

    4. You simply must have a selection of cheeses with your meals, especially breakfast.

    5. Watch the “Colors trilogy” (red, white, and blue). Sure the director/screenwriter was Polish, but they are French movies.

    Optional Requirements:

    Daft Punk on Ipod.

    Read translations of French literature. Especially read the Marquise de Sade. Read Voltaire only so you can say, “You haven’t read Voltaire?”. You only need to read “Candide” if you do read Voltaire.

    Visit France.

    Try to resist the temptation to do the following:

    Get to know people in France.

      • Yes, I left out berets, mimes, and striped shirts, but they’re almost too “provincial” lol

    • Shit like this CNN article are why the French think Americans are idiots.

      I know someone who studied abroad in France, and he said that Americans really need to mind their P’s and Q’s over there. The French do not have a very high opinion of Americans. After reading this article, can you blame them? If I were French, I’d be pretty insulted at how much Americans like this woman engage in morally repulsive sexual behavior and then try to pass it off as French culture. Gimme a break. If her marriage was so strong and involved and sparkly, then she wouldn’t need to continuously cheat. This is the epitome of a SHAM marriage. And she is the epitome of lying to herself. AND others, while we’re at it. That’s not a trademark of French culture and I’m pretty sure French spouses are just as hurt as Americans when they are cheated on.

      Totally off-topic, but I’m actually excited to be taking French this upcoming quarter at my university. They require their students to have either 4-years worth of high school language classes, or pass a proficiency test in a foreign language. I’ve been wanting to take French since I was a little kid so I’m positively DANCING at the idea that I’m actually required to pretty much become fluent in French to graduate. My husband is just as excited and we’ve decided that he will do my French homework with me so we can learn the language together. This is something my ex never would have done with me, let alone encouraged. It’s so cool to know I’m finally getting a chance to do something I’ve always wanted and I have someone to do it with me.

      • My impression is that French people mostly speak French (like Americans mostly speak English–or as the British say, “speak American”), so if you don’t speak French (guilty), you wind up doing silly pantomimes and stringing the few words you do know together whenever possible while trying to get directions, and that tends to make anybody look a little foolish 😉

        BTW, I have found that folks tend to be very helpful despite my obvious and stubborn handicap of apparently being unable or unwilling to really learn the local language.

        I have had coworkers say things like “Does anybody here speak English?” with obvious disdain, and I kind of think that’s where the perception of rudeness comes from: a rude jackass expecting people in France to speak English, and then the favor is often returned 🙂

        Now, out in the boonies… (remote provinces), people do seem to be irritated if you don’t speak French. It’s a “If you’re going to come to this country… ” type of thing, I think. Gee, where have I heard that before?

        • I’ve heard it’s more in Paris where they are rude, but outside of it, they are much friendlier. I can only attest to the rudeness in Paris.

          Ummm….sorry Americans. I’m afraid it’s a number of countries where American tourists are considered rude. And I have to admit, I was back in Europe this past summer, and I just cringed at times when I would see some of the behaviour…

          • I didn’t find Parisians to be rude. Quite helpful, on the whole. Really. I think it’s all in how you approach people maybe? I know I usually approached people with the thought “I should have learned to speak French before coming here” (not that I had much warning I would be going to France… ever-work stuff). Same thing in Germany. I felt like a deaf mute more than half the time, but whose fault was that?

            • I also did not find Parisians rude when I visited with my daughters and sisters-in-laws. I loved my trip to Paris and the people with whom I had contact were very “nice” (hat tip to CL). One of my daughters spoke conversational French pretty well so we let her do most of the talking. When she had difficulty coming up with the correct word or phrase, many of the people we encountered would speak English to her and we would all have a good laugh.

              I think too many people get their information from movies, tabloids and other uniformed people and then posit it as truth. Or they apply their personal experience as a universal experience.

            • I haven’t been to France, but before my Amsterdam trip I kept hearing about how cold they would be there. I soon discovered they were a bit aloof, but not rude. They just take a bit of time to get to know you. I liked them very much.

            • I agree – Parisians are, on the whole, very nice. There’s a language barrier but they’re pretty cool about dealing with it.

          • How loud and inconsiderate “we” are, for one. Does everyone in the restaurant have to hear, word-for-word, what you’re talking about?

        • Do you live in France? That is my dream. My STBX proposed to me in Paris and I have been in love (with the city and country) ever since, and this is the love affair that will last. After I leave my cheater and the dust settles a bit, that is where I hope to get a life.

      • My kids have spent alot of time with a family in Southern France, through a school exchange program, and I promise you the French people we know are nothing like the stupid stereotypes we read about in this country. In fact, thay are the nicest, most family oriented people you will ever meet!

    • Daft Punk are French? I love them, but I didn’t know that. Guess I’m living under a rock or something, sigh.

    • OMG your #3 is cracking me up. My cheating Ex actually said in an email to one of his OW that he was going to be busy working a lot (he is a home remodeling contractor) at such-and-such address “but I’m sure I’ll still have time for repairs on the third floor of Chez Vous.”

      He always used French phrases like “Bon Apetit” at every meal so that everyone would know he had lived in Switzerland when he was a child. Special.

      Pretty sure what he meant by “repairs” on the third floor of his ho’s house.

      • Funny, my stbx used to charm himself by referring to the bathroom as “the loo.” He grew up in the Boston area, so it’s an obvious affectation. It made me cringe.

    • I have a French phrase for the author of that article…. Va fourrer toi-meme ma cherie.

        • My counterpoint is that I go to Saint Marten a lot and many of the French there tell me not to go to France. They say, it’s not friendly and that is why they moved to the island. This cracked me up but the sentiment among the French there was universal.

          • Interesting. Some of my Francophone friends in Canada have said the same thing. If you don’t speak Parisienne, they regard you as some kind of rube and treat you as such.

            • I think–or at least I have been told–that Quebec French is difficult for people in France to understand.

              • It depends on what dialect of Quebecois is being spoken. If I’m speaking Joual or Gaspesie there’s a good chance that they wouldn’t understand me. However, dialects are found everywhere so if someone from Provence or Alscace was speaking to someone from Paris, I’d bet there’d be some difficulty as well.

    • Don’t forget the must of driving a French car or at least European. Nothing locally made will ever do. And the efing Barrett. Argh

  • So proud of her way of life that she doesn’t use her real name. Honey, I wouldn’t either because your friends would be locking their husbands away from you and your husband’s friends would lock up their wives. Why don’t they just embrace the swingers way of life and be done with it? Join a club and get your brain fucked out but, please, don’t call this marriage.

    • Yes! Doesn’t use her real name because she knows she’d be known as a Bad Mom. Which is, by the way, way worse than being called a whore, which would also apply.

  • Apparently CNN will print anything. Bullshit wrapped with a pretty bow is still bullshit. You called it, CL!

    I do remember my ex telling me that his four year affair had made him a better husband overall because he was happier. He actually said that – “other than the cheating” – he treated me “like a queen!”

    Anne Boleyn, maybe….

  • The CNN article was originally published in Redbook magazine. I haven’t read it in years, but I seem to recall that the magazine used to promote wholesome values. Wikipedia’s characterization is:
    “Redbook’s articles are primarily targeted towards married women. The magazine features stories about women dealing with modern hardships, aspiring for intellectual growth, and encouraging other women to work together for humanitarian causes. The magazine profiles successful women to provide inspirational testimonies and advice on life”.

    Umm..I’m wondering when infidelity became acceptable in popular culture. Even before I found out I was a chump, the topic made my stomach turn. It seems that I barely watch a movie, sitcom, drama series, etc without being reminded of it. There is a link embedded in the article to…”I’m Married To A Sex Addict But That’s Okay ….It Made One Woman’s Marriage Stronger….” What’s with that?

    • Redbook used to have quality short fiction, also. Which is off topic, but I think a sigthat what sells at CNN sells elsewhere.

    • Maybe REAL happy marriages don’t sell magazines…regardless, I think if cheating were more widely recognized as the emotional abuse that it is and less as harmless fun, the draw to it would die down. “My husband and I emotionally abuse each other and it makes our marriage better” doesn’t have quite the same ring.

  • “I don’t know about you, but a few months after my son was born, I had vomit in my hair, leaky breasts, and an abdomen of silly putty. I felt about as sexy as road asphalt.”

    These things do not seem to matter to someone who just want a quick sordid screw. A neighbour of mine had an expression about men who would screw anybody, she’d say, – ‘oh him, he’d get up on a cracked plate.’!

    Most people like to feel good about themselves to feel attractive but these people seem to be a different breed entirely.

    • I had to choose between sleep, hygiene and food. I wouldn’t even know HOW to include sex on the menu.

    • I love that expression! Adding it to the chump potty mouth archive!

      • He’d fuck a snake if you held it’s head. I like that one too. 🙂

  • What’s French for “morally and emotionally bankrupt rationalizing fucktard”? Google Translate is having a hard time with it this morning…

  • I feel really bad for the kids. think 10 years down the road for gods sake. She should have stayed fucking single and not had kids,, and yea she is a NARC a huge one,,,,she is sick just fucking sick. Put your kids first please & buy a good vibrator or maybe ask you husband to go down on you, but those poor kids are screwed.

    Man I love my wife and I love her body and have zero issues with the silly putty or stretch marks , leaky boobs its all part of it,,, I thought she was very sexy pregnant but no way was I pushing sex after our boys were born. I waited for HER to tell me,, I am ok hun and when she was ready, I mean she just gave birth to a 9lb monster boy and was feeding and pumping pretty much around he clock. It didnt gross me out one bit,, I just have that much respect for her and how hard child birth is and the last thing she needed was a 190lb man bouncing on her. I am a big boy & could wait 😉 Mad respect to you girls because if it was left up to us men to keep the human race going we all be fucked and extinct.

    • Michael, I cannot wait until the day you have a woman who deserves you in your life. That day is coming, I know it.

        • Oh, I know it and respect you for it. But your boys won’t be little forever, and eventually it will be your turn. 🙂

  • I laughed when I saw that she said she didn’t have an open marriage, but a marriage of secrets.

    Every happily married couple I know has a relationship based on honesty. Some call it a radical honesty. The idea is that they can talk to each other about anything and everything, and work through it together. This allows for them to resolve differences about sex, finances, child-rearing, and toothpaste tube squeezing. This is how they communicate about everything that affects them as a couple.

    I think CL hits it on the head. Anonymous is very unhappy in her own marriage. Her husband’s been having affairs. She resents it. She has her own affairs. Apparently he’s not bothered by her affairs–hey, he has his!–but she’s a bit bothered by his. So much so that she feels she has to step up her game in order to keep him around.

    Yep, she married a cake-eater.

    Her little revenge affairs are part of her exercise in cake-eating, too, but apparently it’s not working as well for her, as she’s in fear that her husband will fall in love with someone else, so she’s doing the Pick Me dance.

    What an empty, shallow life!

    And what a crappy role model for her two sons, who will assuredly grow up to be cheaters.

  • There you go, MichaelD. Respect. Respect for your partner, for the relationship and family life, for yourself. This woman’s’ “marriage” is not based in respect of any sort. Nor is it based on honesty, trust, loyalty or fidelity. And forget love–how is it love to lie, deceive, cheat, and bring home an STD or two? Articles like this are the equivalent of a criminal writing about why cheating investors out of billions or robbing a bank or mugging an old lady is a good thing. “It makes me feel good to get over on other people” is what it all comes down to. Let’s just say she’s a walking list of red flags.

  • CL love your bit on “Frenchness”, excellent!

    So many things wrong with the article where to begin?! The whole point of the title is that the affair makes her marriage stronger, yet not once does she actually say it’s stronger. Any attempt she made was instantly erased by uncertainty and unhappiness.

    “For now, our personal decisions don’t affect our sons’ lives,” BS! They started affecting their son’s lives before they were born! “The more I think about it, the less okay I am with our lifestyle, so I’ve become pretty good at shutting down that part of my brain.”-WTF? Yes, I’ve been shutting down the part of my brain that tells me not to cross the street when a car is coming b/c it’s just annoying and takes all the fun out of my life.

    “Often, they’re cheating as well, and I feel there’s an unspoken code about what we do and don’t discuss.”-Like how you’re both assholes destroying lives and marriages? She says she was drawn to her husband b/c she could be herself, be honest, he wouldn’t judge and didn’t get jealous yet she can’t even be honest with him. Couple that with how they were hot and cold, pointing fingers about cheating while dating, then her getting upset over his flings during her pregnancy, her punishing herself by having a fling with her coworker. Yea, there’s no jealousy there whatsoever, completely invisible. Never would have guessed it. BARF.

    “And then, without drawing up any official rules, we embarked on our anything-but-traditional relationship.”- READ: Inertia Effect, Sliding vs Deciding, bad bad bad bad bad outcomes. You need clear rules and boundaries for a healthy relationship. If that’s how they’re approaching their own relationship what the hell kind of approach are they using with their kids?!

    “But I’m certain our don’t-ask-don’t-tell rule is what has allowed our marriage to last as long as it has.” – AKA if you actually had a marriage with honesty it’d be smoldering in ashes right now. Yea, that sounds like a great marriage, lots of “bedrock” right there.

    “Before, I felt we could both have our cake and eat it, too, but the last thing I wanted to do when I was pregnant was seek out an affair. It seemed tawdry and gross, and I resented the fact that all my husband had to do was slip off his ring and he’d look single.” WTF? So it’s only tawdry and gross b/c you’re pregnant?


    • A person that hates pregnancy that much should never be allowed to get pregnant in the first place.

    • So she pretty much just admits that she’s gotten good at shutting down her goddamn conscience.

      Yeah. THATS a keeper…

  • CL is spot on. This is blatant DRECK.

    First, these people have an arrangement–not a marriage.

    Second,they don’t even had a real family; they have small people “in tow” whose maturity quotient is probably much higher than the two “alleged” adults–but not for long after kids see this totally irresponsible behavior modeled consistently over time.

    If they choose be a waste as far as being a real adult? Fine.
    But for Heaven’s sake, on’t mess up the lives of innocent children with your crap!

    Descriptors that come to mind?

    Lack of values
    Thrill seeking
    Emotionally self-injurious


    Give ’em hell, CL.

  • *facepalm*

    Why, oh WHY are these fucktards allowed to BREED??? Goddammit, children deserve better parenting than these people who centre their lives around their genitalia!!!!

  • *snort* I wonder if Trashley or Victoria Milan paid CNN to run that article…

    • If they did then they’re hurting themselves. The feature that was on the news recently about Trashley did nothing to bolster a case in favor of benefits from cheating. The people interviewed had marriages and personal lives in utter destruction. This article doesn’t help their case either, the anonymous author has a far stronger argument that affairs suck and ruin lives than the contrary. So actually, hopefully they did pay to have it run so they can continue on their own path to self destruction. That would be nice.

      • If the owner of Trashley can make $40 million per month, I doubt that it’s going on a path of self-destruction any time soon. But that could be my innate cynicism coming out…

  • CL,

    This article needs one of those “Facepalm” pictures people will often post on forums for something incredibly stupid. Maybe you could draw a special one for this site?

    Real life is boring sometimes and it’s really hard work sometimes, but it’s got to get done, and it seems that us chumps are the ones holding the lunchpail and going in.

    And this article? The marriage is clearly over, probably never even really started, there was certainly little or no communication and neither partner has the guts to admit that it’s over. And this “wife” creates some supposedly “enlightened” view of their relationship and uses that to justify adultery?


  • Absolutely disgusting to those of us with morals and real values. But the ugly truth is that this shit is out there in society and it grows everyday to the point that affairs are acceptable now adays. Just ask my whore ex-wife and the new circle of friends she suddenly found. Her and that crew are PERFECT for each other. They’re acceptable to adultery and they’re ALL on a path of destruction! Sad.

    • I have an hypothesis that none of this is remotely new and that women had more incentive to lie at different points in our history.

      Men, on the other hand, seem to have more disincentive now than… well… any time in my lifetime. I think it was expected some men would cheat when I was younger, and people made a lot of excuses for them cheating. I think that’s changing a bit even while women seem more comfortable admitting that they cheat too.

      I could be full of crap. It’s just a hunch. Maybe I am biased?

  • “The more I think about it, the less okay I am with our lifestyle, so I’ve become pretty good at shutting down that part of my brain. ”

    If you have to operate in denial, it does not sound like a healthy thing to do.

    She and her husband can do whatever the hell they please. I call it a lack of dignity, she calls it magical. But what kills me is she willingly sleeps with married men whose wives may not be as “tres chic” as she.

    • I noticed that part, too, DrICBIaC.

      Operating in denial is definitely not healthy, and if she were truly okay with what she was doing, she’d not feel the need to shut herself down.

      This article could have been oh so much better if it’d been about a woman who’s in a polyamorous arrangement, and how she and her husband have to sit down to have the tough conversations, and how it’s tricky to be ethical, since the only people they can sleep with are other people who are into polyamory.

  • Can somebody translate this for me?

    ” if one of us starts missing major milestones because we’re spending too much time out of the house — then Dave and I may need to lay everything on the table and reconfigure the dynamics of our relationship.”

    Because all I could come up with is “If one of us finds somebody else they’d rather be with most of the time, we’re probably going to get divorced”.

    • Nope, I think you translated that bullshit quite accurately! 🙂

    • Oh dear that all sound a bit Gwynnie with her ‘conscious uncoupling’. It’s one of those sentences that’s designed to fuck with the readers head whilst giving licence to the selfish cheater to do whatever suits them best. Not worth trying to untangle – you’ll only wreck your own head TH.

    • Out of 365 days a year, there are probably what — 5 milestones? Fewer? And only ONE of them has to miss ONE… so I think the bar is set pretty high there.

      • If you say so. I gave it my best shot, but you are probably onto something with that “high bar” that’s been set.

        I really got an icky, desperate vibe from reading that article. Might have to shower again 🙂

    • Because nothing says “true love” like leaving open the possibility of “reconfiguring the dynamics of your relationship.” Romance . . . fail.

      This lady must be some kind of slutty robot. The Cheater-tron 2000, perhaps. Or Whore-2D2. Or C-3-F-Me. Or, or, or, . . .

  • Last week, as I flew over the country on my way to another custody court hearing, I fantasized about the government building a huge, floating city in the sky. All cheaters, men who abandon their families, men who won’t pay child support, and the sluts they cheat with would be banished to this city. They would be removed from all society. They could live up there, living out their disgusting lives away from normal people. This lady belongs in the floating city of assholes, cheaters, abandoners and psychosluts.

    • I think in see another cartoon – the floating city of arsehes. A lot of Jesus cheaters up there playing the harp!

  • I admit I was in pretty much the same situation as the article writer. The father of my children was devoting his attention elsewhere, so I decided to screw around on him. It just made ME realize that I wanted a better marriage, and I divorced him immediately. Hopefully, the only one who was hurt by my actions was ex baby daddy.

  • ..refers to her own child as a ‘barnacle’.

    Words (and this is rare) fail me.

    • It was a (failed?) attempt at humor. I love my kid, love him now, loved him as a baby, breastfed him for a year. But he did spend a lot of those first few months, as IMO babies should, latched to the breast. Was thinking of something that latches on to you with sucking power… barnacle came to mind, although I suppose leech also works.

      Sexuality and early motherhood are a tough topic for discussion. I think mothers are beautiful, but dear God it takes a toll on our bodies, and infants are exhausting. The focus is on infant care then, and IMO a rocking sex life takes a back seat for a bit. Not zero sex life, but I think it’s fair to say you need to be inventive, because the vagina is a bit of a no fly zone if you had a rough delivery.

      Anyway… I love my son. He’s a teenager now, and he was much cuter and cuddlier as a baby. Miss those days. Now my midsection is squigdy and I can’t blame a baby. 🙂

      • You are the last person that has to explain yourself on YOUR site.

        I love when people hop on to wag their index finger over something that was said or a swear word or whatever. It was a joke. I got it. 🙂

        Self-righteous indignation . . . gross.

        • I don’t mind explaining.

          I think maybe Meh misread it and thought maybe the author of the CNN piece said barnacle about the kids she was stepping out on, in which case it’s not so funny. More funny I suppose if you’re a dorky, breastfeeding mom who never gets out.

          • That’s good because I will CUT A BITCH who attacks CL . . . I will take a hammer . . . oh wait . . . I wouldn’t do any such thing. 🙂

            I’m sorry if I read that wrong. 🙂

          • CL,

            I have a new granddaughter and barnacle is a perfect description of what she is to my daughter. My oldest son hung from my breasts like an additional nipple. I often likened my experience of breastfeeding, which I loved by the way, to auditioning for a pictorial in National Geographic, as I appeared to either be breastfeeding, leaving them out to “dry” and then turning around breastfeeding again. And let’s not talk about the stomach and the healing of the other pieces and parts and the no sleeping. Being able to just take a shower felt like a trip to a spa.

            CL, you speak as an Oracle.

        • Are you saying the fine people that post here have potty mouths ? 🙂

      • Sorry, I thought that was Ms Anonymous…..pardonnez-moi!

        Mr Fab expected me to be right back at it like the clappers about three weeks after delivery, should have realized. Like the others, I sorta call bs on screwing around while breastfeeding. Sleep, hygiene or food, indeed!

        • Yeah, the term has a whole different sort of flavor if you’ve mis-read it as coming from Ms Anonymous. I get that.

        • I am sorry that is sooo fucking selfish, I could not imagine having sex 3 weeks after shiting out a 9lb watermelon. I would allow him to cheat on me with his left hand for a few months or his right hand,,,,,,, his choice 😉 Mad respect !

      • I adore my kids. All eight of them. I was a very hands-on parent and I had no problem with the longish sort of breastfeeding experience endorsed by La Leche League. That’s how I rolled as a mom of many. My oldest is now 35 and the youngest 16. All of them eventually weaned. I love the word “barnacle.” I wish I’d thought of it. It’s perfect. You’re right, though, it would take on a whole different cast coming from the woman who wrote the article. These days, single and with all kids almost grown, not much money but tons of independence, and able to go out for sexeh times…well, darn I just don’t feel like it. I might consider looking at a man across a table in a coffee house but that’s about as far as I want to take it. I find myself wondering if it’s The Change or if the ex just ruined me. I hate to think it’s the latter. In fact I’m trying to refuse to think it’s the latter.

        • Being Day2 I don’t know if you will see this, but my friend and I are in our early 60s and we were just talking about this last night. We’ve had some fairly divergent attitudes about sex over the years but have both arrived at the point where we aren’t interested in sex unless we love the guy. Go figure. My own thought is that we have arrived belatedly at a pretty smart and wise place, although no doubt it will be a long while until I “get lucky.” I told her that I am just getting myself ready in the hope that the right guy comes along as I go about making my awesome life. Luck is the intersection of preparation with opportunity…So maybe, kath, you have just gotten to the point where you (unlike the sad blogger we’re discussing here) have the wisdom to know you don’t have to chase anything down any more. That we are desperate for those cocktail snacks….

    • Really ?? Jeez I am a man & I got it,,,, I thought it was really funny made me chuckle 🙂 My oldest boy was like that fish stuck sucking on the side of the fish tank you needed a crow bar to pry him off,,,, he always wanted his boob lol !!

      • yeah, I got the barnacle reference as well. They are like barnacles in the beginning. It’s great but also very tiring at times. I see nothing wrong with playfully joking about your kids.

    • I remember reading that the relationship between mother/baby is like that of host/parasite. And it’s true, that’s nature. I think women should be allowed tell it like it is. It doesn’t mean you love your child any less when you speak of the difficulties of early motherhood. Those early days are all consuming and which of us hasn’t had days when we get fed up and want to escape. I sometimes think motherhood is glamourised too much by mainstream media and there is pressure on us to grin and bear it and look like something from a Gap catalogue.

      I love my kids very much too but somedays they are damned challenging and bug the hell out me! But I love them with my heart. I think the barnacle analogy is pretty accurate.

      • I have a friend who is an OBGYN and her husband is a GP and when she was pregnant with her first, she used to call the fetus “my little tumor.”

        • I smiled at the barnacle references. When I had gestational diabetes I referred to my little one as “my parasite.” That’s what she was, controlling the food supply.

          • And I smiled and sighed and called my DD piglet. That was genuinely a misread on my part. I pity Miss Anonymous’ kids, though.

            • Piglet is really cute,,my little guy well not so little will always be my “sweet pea” 🙂

  • GROSS.

    Considering that they are on a “Don’t ask, don’t tell” marriage, how does she know if he isn’t out looking for a replacement? Maybe he’s out looking for a woman who is going to be a mother to his children. She’s probably your usual NARC and he probably isn’t cheating on her at all and she just saying that to justify her sick behavior.

  • What….geez….gosh darn…now I know why I was a chump. No wonder those serial cheaters are so sophisticated cause they is all “French” in their Cheating ways. Us chump ain’t got that kind-o-class.
    High class…cheaters…use Dijon mustard on their hot dogs. Yep…these folks buy the expensive Mac and Cheese, name brand, Kraft or nothing else…none o that no name brand Mac and cheese.

    High class serial cheaters, don’t even have to go to Paris, or speak french….to be French is to be high class cheating. All’s you got to do is drink beer in a wine glass at the bar and have sex with strangers is what make you french. Them’s French people is a cheating all the time and dats why they only work four hours a day and has that three hour lunch.

    Gosh darn it…even, if you live in Milwaukee and rent a mighty fine trailer, you are “French” If you is all cheating and keeping your marriage strong….strong like a stinky Roquefort or Brie de Meaux.

    Chumps, don’t appreciate the fine quality of being real high class. Chumps don’t drink beer in a wine glass and they don’t know smack about high class Mac and Cheese and Dijon. Cause it’s so yesterday, if you ain’t getting sophisticated like them there frenchies.

  • I wonder if the words “asinine bullshit” are part of the article writer’s vocabulary, because that’s exactly what she has written.

    My translation of this entire article (if by “article” you mean the ravings of plus-signs for eyes, self-absorbed loon)? When we were dating, I could not convince my then boyfriend to stop sleeping around with other women. I valued said boyfriend, who was and is actually an abusive POS, more than I valued my self-respect. So I allowed him to manage down my expectations of fidelity in a committed relationship and I started doing what he was doing in the hopes that he would get upset and stop the behavior. When he didn’t and decided it was okay to get married because there would be no problem with him continuing to shamelessly abuse me. In order for me not to look like and feel like a victim, I sleep around and pretend I enjoy doing it because to do otherwise might mean my POS husband might leave me – which I’m constantly afraid he might do anyhow. Neither my POS husband nor I have the slightest clue what love really is, as it is apparent by our selfish behavior that we don’t love each other, ourselves and we only love our children when it doesn’t interfere with our selfish, navel-gazing, self-absorbed behavior. As I am getting older, I am beginning to worry about how much longer I can sustain my cheating. I am aware that age probably will not have the same effect on my husband’s ability to continue cheating and I really would like to change our relationship dynamic.

    Her entire article was just depressing. Why would anyone want to KNOWINGLY live like that? It is utterly soul-destroying. Instead of writing an article trying to defend her insanity, she should have written to Chump Lady asking for advice on how to extricate herself from what is clearly an abusive situation. She owes that much to her children or she should give them up to someone who can give them a better example of what love and commitment look like.

    • I dunno, I think she does enjoy it, maybe not as much as her husband

  • I find the American attitude to the French bizarre in the extreme, it is as if you believe them to be some exotic creatures that live life to different rules from the rest of the world and you seem obsessed with them. As a British Person ( yes we like to fight with our French neighbours, a tradition established over many hundreds of years ) who has spent a lot of time in France, surprise , surprise they are just like the rest of us and are human. They are not so sophisticated that they don’t feel hurt or pain. Just ask Hollande’s long term partner, she has to go into a therapy after his betrayal didn’t she ? Please stop with the French angle, they are actually a very family orientated society, more so that either the US or the UK and it is very disrespectful to the many French women who have suffered pain and betrayal to suggest affairs are accepted there more than any where else. I smell a myth perpetuated by the male of the species to justify the unjustifiable. We all feel hurt and pain whatever language we speak, perhaps French women are just better at hiding it although I think that is just an outdated stereotype. French, English, American, we all hurt when we are discarded like yesterday’s news.

    • We all have McDonald’s too (France, US, UK + 118 other countries). The menu and condiments may vary though.

      I don’t know if all 121 countries have happy meals, though.

      I am gauche (French word alert).

  • Hey I like berets! 🙂

    I think the main difference between the French and Americans is that the French think it doesn’t matter if a politician is also an adulterer. We Americans tend to see it as a sign of character and therefore relevant.

    However, it looks like there is a real difference between the French and other cultures – there are fewer people there who think adultery is immoral.

    It’s worth saying, though, that many French people think adultery is morally unacceptable.

    The other big question is, would most French people stay with a cheating spouse? There’s difference between accepting behavior directed at you and thinking the President can do it and still be President.

    • “There’s difference between accepting behavior directed at you and thinking the President can do it and still be President.”
      Euh… just to name one, JFK was clearly adulterous and stayed on as president, it was just a big public secret. And he’s not the first, nor the last… the character and mindset to (want to) become the most powerful man in a country has many common characteristics with cheaters.

      The French people I know are just as shocked by adultery, no matter what the media make of it. If I were to believe the media, adultery was one big funny f*ck-fest, full of twu wuf, serendipity, happily ever after… no matter where you live. Living it, a whole different matter. 🙁

  • Great piece. It really gets to the heart of it – why shouldn’t a drink out with your husband be part of your real life?

    And how do you have time for that if you aren’t ignoring your baby and husband?

    In the end, it’s all very sad. Her husband wasn’t seeing her as a romantic partner after the baby, so she found someone else to be romantic with. That keeps her with her husband, I guess, but what kind of marriage is that?

    Something you didn’t touch on – this isn’t a long-term solution. Her baby is only a baby; she doesn’t have enough experience to say this is how to make a marriage work. It seems much more likely that she and her husband will in fact grow farther apart and at some point one of them will meet an affair partner they like enough to break up the marriage. Then it will be uglier than just divorcing because of all the cheating.

    Anyhow, it seems obvious to anyone who’s been married and a parent longer that the solution here is to hire a sitter and go out with her husband. Spend any extra non-parenting time with each other for a while.

  • “Toward the last trimester of my pregnancy, Dave was amazing. He was home every night, did everything around the house, and was 100% there for me…”

    That is not amazing. That is being a married person who is starting a family.

    “I haven’t said “I love you” to anyone else since I met my husband, and I do sometimes wonder how my husband feels toward the women he meets.”

    I’m not sure, but I do think that a man who is trying to seduce women may have to put more effort into convincing them that he likes them. He might be doing more romantic things.

    “I know — and hope he knows — that very few women would put up with a similar type of relationship, and I think that understanding is part of the bedrock of our bond.”

    That is incredibly sad. He stays with me because who else would let him cheat? True, lasting love.

    More sadness:

    “The more I think about it, the less okay I am with our lifestyle, so I’ve become pretty good at shutting down that part of my brain. Because truth be told, I do worry that Dave might fall in love with someone else. That’s why when I see his secret smiles or notice him spending tons of time texting, I step it up on my end, asking him to be home on a certain night and initiating sex. I remind him how much I love him and how much our marriage means to me.”

    I wonder if she’d known that this is what it would be like, if she would have agreed to it long ago? Is the thrill of men liking her worth it? (and really, knowing that men are willing to sleep with you doesn’t say that much about your attractiveness.)

    Unfortunately, I think there is often an imbalance in open relationships as a couple ages. Having kids makes cheating harder for the woman. Men are less interested in an older body, while women are more interested in a richer man.

    • It’s just a pick-me dance with a side order of cocktail munchies and cheating.

  • “How Affairs Made My Marriage Stronger?”

    Really, CNN? You’re going with the tired old click-baiting strategy of ginning up articles with headlines using the formula: “How (insert horrible event here) Made My (insert some aspect of your life) Better”?

    So I’d expect coming soon to

    “How Food Poisoning Made My Stomach Happier”

    “How Bernie Madoff Stealing My Life Savings Made My Retirement More Secure”

    “How Losing the Top Floor of My House to Arson Made My Home More Comfortable”

    “How Being Molested by a Counselor Made Summer Camp More Fun”

    “How Blunt Force Cranial Trauma Made My Brain-Thingy More Powerful-er”

    Grabbing attention with counter-intuitive headlines isn’t news, BTW. It’s stupid chatter. And in this case, it’s offensive as well.

  • TRACY?
    Did you ever get my response? Darn yahoo mailbox kept making it look like I was sending it to myself, even though I am sure I clicked on “Reply”

    Sorry, I’m just a “Tech Loon” sometimes 😉

  • What a depressing piece. Their relationship-turned-marriage was a catastrophic, clingy fever dream from Day One. These two morons were so unfaithful yet so desperately co-dependent that they simply decided to forgo any traditional notion of “boundaries” and simply say to hell with it. As the article demonstrates, the biggest sexual thrills to be found in their so-called “marriage” are all the ways they passively-aggressively fuck with each other.

    It’s quite simple really: He cheated while she was “huge and hormonal” and now that she’s post-partem and presumably falls into that lucky 1% of women for whom the baby weight literally vanishes, she’s out for blood….and dick.

    And yet this emotionally stunted 40-year-old woman has the temerity to say that this blatant, mutual infidelity has somehow made their marriage stronger? What fucking marriage? They sound like two 20-year-old fuck-buddies who just happen to live and have kids together. Couple that with the lack of communication and the startling emphasis on secrecy, their marriage looks less like a frolicky French coupling and more like something out of the former Soviet Union.

    The most compelling quote comes near the end. Basically, the author worries about the kids growing up and eventually asking questions (read: Accountability). The author’s response: “Dave and I may need to lay everything on the table and reconfigure the dynamics of our relationship.” Translation: Her solution is to treat her dysfunctional marriage and stunning lack of fidelity as one big delayed decision. “We’ll figure it out….eventually. But only if the kids bring it up first.”

    Ye-ah…sounds like the kind of mature, adult relationship we should ALL strive for. “The secret spark that keeps my marriage alive,” as she calls it. Or, more than likely, the not-so-secret extramarital affairs she uses to prop up her almost non-existent self-worth and prove to her idiot husband that see? Other people totally wanna fuck me too!!

    That is, of course, until her cheating husband starts smiling a little TOO broadly at the text conversations he not-so-surreptitiously exchanges right in front of the author’s fucking face, at which point she goes into Pick Me Dance Overdrive and crashes full-speed into the Chump Ave. signpost. (“I step it up on my end,” she writes, “asking him to be home on a certain night and initiating sex.”)

    Welcome to mindfuckery, Anonymous (as told to Ann Davies, Redbook Magazine)!! Enjoy your stay! 🙂

  • It seems like we live in a culture where you’re supposed to devote your every waking moment to your job, but any effort put toward a relationship or a family life is entirely optional. I had the same thought, CL, about the woman having an affair after the birth of her child. I barely knew which way was up since I was so sleep deprived, and an evening of decadence meant a bowl of ice cream eaten while I watched a movie the whole way through because the baby slept long enough for me to do so! Plus… geez, I just had a CHILD with my husband!!!! The last thing on my mind ever was stepping out on him AND my children (because they never think about how they are cheating on the whole family– cheating the children out of time, love, a proper role model, and respect for the family unit).

    Ugh. People are so disgusting. Grow up, expect that your life is going to change, and either change and evolve with it or stay in your parents’ basement, forever being Peter Pan, and leave the rest of the responsible adults to get married and raise families. I wish these people would stop pretending to be committed family people. It would save the rest of us a lot of grief.

  • LOL! That apology to the French was classic. She has to have a nanny. There is no way she can have affairs like that plus a “barnacle” (lol!). It’s really sad though. Both the husband and wife need individual counseling.

  • Gotta love Leonard Cohen – “You treated my-wolf like a flake.
    When she came back, she was nobody’s wife’.

    I don’t believe this tramps version of her husband at all, sorry.

  • What a piece of shit. The OW in my marriage actually sounded like her. I wonder if it is her. She looks like a mean cabbage patch doll with a lot of mousey stringy hair–but she thinks she looks like Kerry Russel (very wishful thinking).

    She and my lying ex dated when they sat on the board of a birth education organization together whose mission it was to “support new mothers and families.” They shared their first kiss and the annual “gala” she spearheaded (the fundraiser lost money but hey they had a great time in the parking lot). I was home nursing my then one year old child.

    She was first trimester pregnant with her second kid–a motherfucker fucking around with a fucked up mother mother fucker (the second mother in that last phrase is me).

    She wrote on the birth organization’s blog how important it was to have time for yourself. Wrote that she hired a baby sitter. I later saw an email she sent my lying ex–saying that she was free M,W and F for lunch….THIS after my ex made me cook for her cabbage patch family. When one of her friends told me because she though rapist cabbage patch mean girl “thought I should know” I felt raped.

    I hate these people. They should leave the rest of us alone. Perhaps they can make a country for themselves called Fuckers are Us, since they are into parenting so much. She stuck her kid in front of the T.V. when my lying ex (who told me he was working late) went over to her enormous house. What a great mom she is! Put your kid in front of the telly while you date another woman in the community’s husband. Such a sickening person. May she rot here on this earth.

    Realize this: I would have loved to divorce him had I known he was involved with her romantically, but these cheaters stole my life and decisions, used my trust and raped me. Rape is when you force someone to act against their every intuition because you abuse their trust. They raped me. Her best girl friend the executive director of the birth education organization, I later learned also met her boyfriend (now husband) when he was married. These women are so bored by their lives and their kids that they need some excitement that if their kids’ knew would make them hurl. I would not trade places with them if you paid me a million dollars and I could really use a million dollars.

    I love being me. This woman is a piece of shit.

    • “I hate these people. They should leave the rest of us alone. Perhaps they can make a country for themselves called Fuckers are Us…”

      Just saw this Chumpedtomy. I am laughing so hard my kids checked to see if I had finally lost my mind :))

  • I agree fully they both are pieces of shit. Both Narcissistic A Holes. As for as the French bit, my x’s affair partner is a French whore. I agree they are very selfish also. They figure the world owes them something every time they turn around. Always crying, oh I’m so
    deserving as I can speak 2 languages. She deserves him all right. They both deserve one another. The post from anonymous is so disgusting. Its obvious they were raised without any morals. As Chump Lady has said many times ” cheaters just suck, all of them “

  • I often get Facebook postings that show true stories of animals taking in and nurturing different species who have lost their mother at birth. The last one I saw was a cat rescuing and then allowing ducklings to suckle her…..Totally bizarre, but true. Her mother instincts kicked in. The cat protected them, loved them, pulled them back into their “nest”–all to the amazement of the human farm owners. Juxtapose that with a human tramp who will screw around with another man when her two-month “infant” is still “breast-feeding,” and suggesting that all is for HER “emotional development”. Humans-weird. Animals-awesome.

  • “Perhaps you could start a campaign and pin amoral sophistication on the Finnish or something.” You made this Finn laugh. I wonder how this campaign could work. Hmm, the 24 hour summer days and no place to hide? Winter, in the sauna? At the summer cottage? Still thinking…

    • “After nine years, there’s nothing new here, nothing exciting anymore. We’ve lived together, we’ve had a kid, we’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve fought, we’ve made money, lost money… but then I met this woman and she literally stole my heart”

      So when it’s no longer shiny and new, you leave?!?! And what’s going to happen when it’s no longer and new and exciting with this other woman? Who are these people?!?!

      • One of the commenters described him perfectly: ” Concrete Bastard”
        Others repeatedly drove home the attributes that people everywhere seem to have lost: Don’t behave like you’re married when you are single; and don’t behave like you are single when you are married. Old as time. Simple. Saves a world of hurt.

  • Heh, I know what’s up with that guy. He finally set a (somewhat vague) marriage date after a decade, and as he comes up to the commitment, he finds himself a “trooo loooove” as an excuse to back out of the commitment. He’s the Jackass’s Nigerian twin. When his options for cake are threatened, he runs. No doubt he has cheated all along as clearly his appetite for cake transcends everything, including parenthood. Instructive how his family is reduced to “had a kid together.” And note how condescending he is. Same playbook, different country. Just another selfish loser.

  • What does she mean they love each other and are like other people? She isn’t like me, after I had both of my children I sure wasn’t laying in bed naked with a strange man after going to happy hour thinking I would rather be home with my baby. WTF?????

    She does this to keep sparks in the marriage? Sure she will see some big sparks when her husbands finds out about these affairs, or maybe there will be big sparks with a health scare.

  • Here’s a question: if she is a cheater and it makes the marriage stronger, and he is also a cheater and it makes the marriage stronger and makes them appreciate the family they have together even more, what’s with the “huge fights” she mentions they had that sent her scurrying vagina-first into the arms of that creepazoid coworker? Two people actively improving the marriage yet having huge fights? Clearly there’s no hope for the rest of us. Le sigh.

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