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What Gift Do You Give a Cheater?

July 2, 2014 by Chump Lady

Riffing on our renconcilliation post the other day, Blue mentioned that Mort Fertel advises you win your cheater back with gifts.

I wonder what gift says “thanks for the STDs”? Is there a gift guide for infidelity? Third D-day? Oh, that’s silver. Fifth D-day that’s paper. (Divorce papers?)

I mean what kind of lunacy is this? Does Mort Fertel advise people who have been mugged to win back their wallets with moonlit dinners? “Yes, I know you held me up at knife point, but I thought if we could just sit down to a nice osso bucco you’d be persuaded to return my  money. More wine?”

This prompted today’s post idea — what’s your crazy cheater gift idea?

Red had a good suggestion too — what’s the humorous title of your reconciliation guide? “When Splendid People Hook up on Craigslist?” “Getting the Love You Need from a Sociopath”?

Lay it on me.

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Filed Under: Fun and games

Previous article: Dear Chump Lady, I have to paternity check my kids
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Comments

  1. TimeHeals says

    July 2, 2014 at 7:51 am

    Hmmm?

    Betrayed men should probably gift their cheating wives a pair of charm bracelet balls so that she can wear his balls around her wrist. Symbolism works with women, and she’ll know that he knows.

    Betrayed women, on the other hand, cannot afford to be subtle because male cheaters rarely get subtle even if they wear a man purse, apply patchouli oil and cry when they read greeting cards, so… I think you should just set him up with your female friends/relatives or hire hookers; that’s not too subtle, is it?

    • Ms. Shepp says

      July 7, 2014 at 4:16 pm

      Bahahaha! Charm bracelet balls! You could sell them on the HSN. Who the hell is Mort Fertel? What an idiot. He’s probably still angry that he’s named Mort Fertel.

  2. FLBright says

    July 2, 2014 at 7:53 am

    Ohhhhh! Let me be the first to say it… The best gift would be YOUR NEW BOOK! With a note that says “Thank you to you, and the millions of sociopaths like you, for the fodder that will make this neat lady famous! HUGS! FLBright”

    • dani says

      July 2, 2014 at 4:22 pm

      Amen!

  3. Arnod says

    July 2, 2014 at 8:01 am

    How about “I’m Okay, You’re Not” or “How to Fuck Your Own Best Friend”.

    • LiningUpDucks says

      July 2, 2014 at 8:12 am

      “I’m Okay, You’re Not” LOL!!! Love that!

      • Raging says

        July 2, 2014 at 8:20 am

        😀 Excellent.

    • MissedRedFlags says

      July 2, 2014 at 9:04 am

      That’s funny!!

    • chumppalla says

      July 2, 2014 at 1:02 pm

      HaHaHa, Arnod!

  4. LiningUpDucks says

    July 2, 2014 at 8:03 am

    I gave my cheater gifts. A jet-ski rental. New lingerie that I wore for him. The entire pick-me-dance was full of small gifts, physical and symbolic. The biggest gift I gave him was my trust and a second chance at our marriage, which he flushed down the toilet.

    My RIC bestseller: “How to Fool Yourself into Thinking Your Marriage is Fine – The Power of Denial”

    • TimeHeals says

      July 2, 2014 at 8:10 am

      Or “How Things Are is not as Important as How I Want Them to Be”.

      Uber-Chumps and Cheaters will be attracted to the title 🙂 Now if you can craft a message that appeals t both of them, that would be tru art; something along the lines of, the cheating is not the cheater’s fault entirely, and only the chump can improve the marriage. Instant classic?

      • TimeHeals says

        July 2, 2014 at 8:11 am

        Minus the first redundant “How”? lol I need to wake up–coffee.

  5. Chump Lady says

    July 2, 2014 at 8:12 am

    These are from my husband (I’m not taking credit) — “Fifty Shades of Fucked Up”
    “Harry Potter and the Divorce Court of Doom”
    “Chicken Soup for the Soulless”

    • LiningUpDucks says

      July 2, 2014 at 8:19 am

      “Chicken Soup for the Soulless” – Love this one!

    • Freeatlast says

      July 2, 2014 at 10:30 pm

      LOL, CL I’ve been using that exact fifty shades one myself to describe my BDSM loving cheater! Too funny!

      • Sam says

        July 5, 2014 at 7:42 am

        Here’s too funny: my ex tweeted about going away with his shiny new one of course to a place we’d gone for our thirty years or marriage: and in the tweet said, he thought enticingly, ‘and now, for *fifteen* shades of gray…’
        Yeah, I think even with the shiny new model of me, that’s about all he could get it to….LOL!

  6. ffghtr67 says

    July 2, 2014 at 8:19 am

    Roses, 2 nights out with expensive dinner and movies, gourmet ice cream, a $700 exercise bike, fucking $100 worth of fucking candles at Yankee fucking Candle. 2 years later me and my kids eat ramen noodles to make ends meet.

    • Ms. Shepp says

      July 7, 2014 at 4:34 pm

      I feel all the “fucks.” You are not alone. I am so angry! F-ing gmo corn muffins for my son’s dinner, while X is posting pics of his restaurant meals on G+? I feel your pain.

  7. lovehonorcherish says

    July 2, 2014 at 8:22 am

    The greatest gift I ever gave my cheater was the gift of reconciliation. We all know how that turned out!

    • Maree says

      July 2, 2014 at 10:47 am

      The greatest gift I gave my ex husband are our children and myself. I hope he loves the kids as much as I do.

      • Rosie Boa says

        July 3, 2014 at 6:52 am

        Well said, Maree.

  8. Rumblekitty says

    July 2, 2014 at 8:27 am

    Reconciliation books:
    You’ve Got Crabs!
    Hiding Mr. Happy – A memoir
    Love me, love my soul sapping neurosis
    I’m OK, you suck balls.

    Gifts for cheaters:
    Viagra/Exlax brownies
    A purse she can store his balls in
    Framed quote: “When you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you marry a man who cheats on his wife.”

    • Chump Lady says

      July 2, 2014 at 8:43 am

      Love me love my soul sapping neurosis LOl!

    • Finally realized says

      July 2, 2014 at 12:46 pm

      Hiding Mr. Happy – A memoir!!!!! 🙂

    • Rosie Boa says

      July 3, 2014 at 6:55 am

      Hiding Mr Happy – ROTFLMAO!!!

      I’m having visions of a picture book, something like Where’s Wally? (I think you Americans call him Waldo?)

    • cinamonlocks says

      July 3, 2014 at 11:17 am

      Framed quote: “When you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you marry a man who cheats on his wife.”

      This should be a Hallmark card. LOL!!

    • FoolMeTwice says

      July 3, 2014 at 11:23 pm

      Rumblekitty: Two enthusiastic thumbs up. HAHAHAHA

  9. Raging says

    July 2, 2014 at 8:33 am

    Build your own lie detector kit from Radio Shack.

    GPS tracking device from Radio Shack.

    Voice Activated Recorder, from yea.. Radio Shack.

    Get all the gifts for your cheating spouse at Radio Shack.

    My book.. How Radio Shack can save your marriage.

    • RobinLee says

      July 2, 2014 at 8:47 am

      God bless Radio Shack…that place is awesome.

      • TwinsDad says

        July 2, 2014 at 9:37 am

        Third that!

  10. MGirontree says

    July 2, 2014 at 8:38 am

    The best BJ of his life!

  11. ANR says

    July 2, 2014 at 8:49 am

    Gift certificate to Happy Endings Asian Massage and/or Goliath’s Saunatel for Men

    “The Kids Are Alright: Letting Go of the Things That Keep You From Fucking Around”
    “Let Me Be Your Bitch Forever: Unequal Marriage and the Audacity of Hopium”
    “Building the Empty Marriage”

    • kimmy says

      July 2, 2014 at 9:33 am

      “The Kids Are Alright: Letting Go of the Things That Keep You From Fucking Around”…..

      ………….fucking hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (because they believe this shit!)

      • TwinsDad says

        July 2, 2014 at 9:37 am

        Third this too!

      • DeeL says

        July 2, 2014 at 9:41 am

        They truly do believe everybody should be ok with it. They have found and deserve happiness. Jerks

    • MovingLiquid says

      July 2, 2014 at 12:19 pm

      The Audacity of Hopium — Hysterical!

      • Patsy says

        July 3, 2014 at 6:44 am

        “The Kids Are Alright: Letting Go of the Things That Keep You From Fucking Around”

        Ha ha ha ha haaaa!

        My second boy is a seething mass of rage and unhappiness, and my girl has developed anorexia.

        But none of that is to do with him, he now has come to re-examine his workaholic ways, and is father of the century!!!

    • FoolMeTwice says

      July 3, 2014 at 11:25 pm

      “The Kids Are Alright: Letting Go of the Things That Keep You From Fucking Around”
      LOL!!!!

      Talk about gallows humour. Man.

      • ANR says

        July 3, 2014 at 11:52 pm

        It’s one way of coping

  12. LovedaJackass says

    July 2, 2014 at 8:50 am

    I was redoing a whole house for the two of us. He left with several thousand dollars of my money in his business account, which was gone by D-Day (8 weeks, give or take).

    “Win Back a Cheater’s ‘Love’ and Lose Yourself”

  13. kimmy says

    July 2, 2014 at 8:51 am

    Rumblekitty……….you have me cracking up!!!!!!!!!

    Awesome! Just awesome. I love when I log on and get a few good laughs!!!!!

  14. Baci says

    July 2, 2014 at 8:55 am

    I’m a lumberjack song ( chainsawman)

    How to cook Swedish meatballs book

    iPhone for Dummies

    iPhone for dummies Audio( because she still wound end understand it)

    How to spend more than 15% of the year with your sons book

    Living with older men, how to handle when they’re 64!

    How to stop your nose growing when telling lies. ( I see a cartoon!!!!)

    • Rosie Boa says

      July 3, 2014 at 7:01 am

      Baci, the funny thing about Pinocchio is that recently I’ve been thinking that throughout our marriage, I was the little voice of Jiminy Cricket. Now that he’s an ‘independant’ man (other than my money still supporting him), he seems to have entirely lost his moral compass and any insight he ever had regarding how his actions affect his children’s feelings about him.

      • Baci says

        July 3, 2014 at 3:37 pm

        They lose total focus on the children.
        They realise the mess they have created but have to focus on the new partner. It’s at such an expense in every way that they have to keep sacrificing everything to the new relationship until there’s nothing left to sacrifice.

        In my case she was always talking about her nose and having plastic surgery and now I know why. Careful people if you tell too many lies your nose will grow!!

        If you have older children they sort out their own boundaries etc and know who the committed parent is

  15. P.F says

    July 2, 2014 at 9:24 am

    It would be a coffe table book on bathroom selfies.

    Chapter 1
    How to crap on the crapper while sexting.

    Chapter 2
    how to take a selfie without the toilett in the background

    Chapter 3
    what to do with the shaved pubes? Save them for future hairline transplant or how to avoid clogging the toilett.

    Chapter 4
    Sexy poses for bathroom selfies, pouting provatively for women, blue stee look for men.

    Chapter 5
    Your glorious groin close up,. Tips on bathroom lighting.

    • Chump Princess says

      July 2, 2014 at 9:26 am

      P.F

      LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!! The Best!!!

    • Wastedheart says

      July 2, 2014 at 11:17 am

      My stbx repeatedly took crotch shots in the bathroom too, his member festooned in frilly ornamentation. The only thing more shocking to me was the realization of how common it is to chronic cheaters, who believe that what would be disgusting and juvenile if performed by ANYONE else (read: the reviled Anthony Weiner), their specialness somehow elevates the act into something sexy, silly or just plain comic genius!

      The capacity for seeing themselves as good guys while repeatedly making cavalier choices that devastate their families and inflict a lifetime of pain on the ones who loved and trusted them? I’ll never understand it. Therefore, I think the perfect cheater gift is a portrait that reflects his true self a la Dorian Gray.

      • P.F says

        July 2, 2014 at 8:23 pm

        My ex-wife is the queen of bathroom selfies. Even more pathetic were the losers who sent her bathroom selfies. At first I was disgusted but years later I find it hilarious.
        Cheaters are unoriginal, and so is their junk.

        • Chumpette says

          July 3, 2014 at 1:28 pm

          “Cheaters are unoriginal and so is their junk.” Lol and so true!!

        • FoolMeTwice says

          July 3, 2014 at 11:30 pm

          No more reading CL responses on the commute home. I was killing myself laughing on the Skytrain, and I’m sure I must’ve looked certifiable.

          Just awesome. 🙂 🙂 🙂

          • ANR says

            July 3, 2014 at 11:54 pm

            The Skytrain? Hey, fellow Western Canadian!

            • FoolMeTwice says

              July 4, 2014 at 8:14 am

              Hey! Signs of life at a Skytrain station near me! Do I smell a chance for a meet-up and some swapped chump stories? 🙂

              • ANR says

                July 4, 2014 at 9:27 am

                Unfortunately not. I’m in Calgary, where the 10-day cheaterfest known as Stampede is just starting.

      • kb says

        July 3, 2014 at 9:52 am

        I used to wonder why my STBX took so long in the bathroom. Constipation? Then I saw the texts (sent via Twitter as private messages–he’d forgotten to stop notifications–about the pictures he sent her, how “huge” he looked, etc. Then it dawned on me that he needed to spend that time to get ready, as it were. Also, I finally realized that the phone was being used for more than just Pandora–perhaps Rhapsody!

        Anyway, every time he goes in the bathroom, I have to stifle a laugh. And yes, he’s constipated, too. Has to take Metamucil, too.

        Perhaps that’s one gift: Metamucil, because he’s full of shit!

        • MrsM says

          July 7, 2014 at 9:28 pm

          Metamucil!!! lmao. that is what i am going to give him as a christmas gift from the kids. hehe with a little note saying becuase you are so full of shit!!!

      • Ms. Shepp says

        July 7, 2014 at 6:03 pm

        Festooned in frilly ornamentation! OMG, I laughed so hard that I couldn’t breathe for a moment. As for the rest, well put. I never found selfies as he hadn’t started his diet yet, but he was a proud contributor to the then trending G+ Nat’l Choke Day. Tasteful pics of women being choked. B & W. He has class, after all . . .

    • Tiredsigh says

      July 2, 2014 at 11:21 am

      I just snorted from laughing out loud!

    • GladIt'sOver says

      July 2, 2014 at 11:27 am

      I think my ex wrote that book.

    • Lyn says

      July 2, 2014 at 12:22 pm

      Tips on bathroom lighting. LOL!!!!! 🙂

    • chumppalla says

      July 2, 2014 at 1:11 pm

      PF!! hahaha!!!

    • Whatawaste says

      July 3, 2014 at 12:13 am

      Mine does a nauseating blue steel/duck face combo. He’s turned into one preening Basic Bitch. You go, sexy! Lolz

      • Only way is up says

        July 3, 2014 at 6:44 am

        PF…I am laughing so hard. The worse part is I can picture the ex doing this. In fact one time he forgot to take his phone into the toilet with him, it rang, and I remember him running out to get it with his undies on, and then running back to the toilet. My son said I hope he remembered to wipe.

        • chumppalla says

          July 3, 2014 at 8:42 am

          LOL!

        • FoolMeTwice says

          July 4, 2014 at 9:39 am

          This image is absolutely hilarious. Haha!!

    • Gaby says

      July 3, 2014 at 7:21 pm

      PF on Dday I did found an email with gym bathroom selfies sent to the bitch. It was titled “so that you don’t miss me”.
      I want to throw up.

  16. Chump Princess says

    July 2, 2014 at 9:25 am

    I invested part of a small inheritance in his side business which he was trying to get off the ground (for most of the marriage). I bought sexy lingerie, sex toys, paid for romantic get-aways, bought him porn for us to “share.” All of this because the need to have her license revoked MC told me I was not being “supportive enough” and I needed to “understand him and meet his needs.” Of course, once all the money was gone, so was he. No more fun and games and real life intruded once again.

    New RIC Titles:

    Enough About Me, Let’s Make It More About Me: Having a Successful Marriage With The Chronically Self-Absorbed

    That’s Not Lipstick! It’s Kool-Aid! and Other Adult Fairytales or How to Have a Successful Love Relationship With Your Pathologically Lying Spouse

    The Zombie Marriage – How to Rekindle the Love After a Betrayal

    It’s Not Me, You’re Just An Asshole – A Betrayed Spouse’s Guide to Recovery

    • Rumblekitty says

      July 2, 2014 at 9:43 am

      Yay!

    • Paula says

      July 2, 2014 at 11:14 am

      LOL! Too funny! Had me falling off my chair. Thanks for the laughs, I need them these days!

      • P.F says

        July 2, 2014 at 11:41 am

        Good one , Chump Princess
        Kool-Aid…or perhaps “Kook-Aid” for cheaters. Lol

    • Little Mighty Me says

      July 2, 2014 at 12:27 pm

      Chump Princess for the WIN….the first one is PERFECT, and the rest also brilliant 🙂

      • Chump Princess says

        July 2, 2014 at 1:20 pm

        Thank you Little Mighty Me. However, I must say, it is all my fellow Chumps who inspired me.

        • FoolMeTwice says

          July 3, 2014 at 11:32 pm

          Killing myself laughing. HAHAHAHA

    • Carrie says

      July 2, 2014 at 6:30 pm

      My son just opened the door to see what I was laughing about.

  17. freeatlast says

    July 2, 2014 at 9:27 am

    When I found out about his affair through emails he had saved I printed out all the emails including her detailed account and made it into a spiral bound book (love working for a printer). I made a cover for it (love being a graphic designer!) entitled Memories by [their names] with exclusive forward by ME! I went through the book and highlighted moments that stood out and added my own comments. I printed out her picture to be an 8×10. I was going to frame it but it wasn’t worth the $1. I laid it all nicely on his desk eagerly waiting for him to see it when he got home from his business trip.

    Let me tell you I got the best gift back from him after he saw it. His face was priceless!!

    • ANR says

      July 2, 2014 at 9:28 am

      That’s wonderful, freeatlast!

      • LovedaJackass says

        July 2, 2014 at 9:55 am

        I love it.

    • Chump Lady says

      July 2, 2014 at 11:13 am

      For the win!!!

    • Wastedheart says

      July 2, 2014 at 11:20 am

      My hero.

    • Tiredsigh says

      July 2, 2014 at 11:23 am

      I bow to the master!

      • P.F says

        July 2, 2014 at 11:36 am

        brilliant!! Freeatlast

        I can see it as a best seller along with CL’s book.

    • Margo says

      July 2, 2014 at 11:34 am

      OMG – that is the BEST! I work for a printer and it never occured to me to do that. Freeatlast you rock!

    • Chump Princess says

      July 2, 2014 at 12:16 pm

      free,

      I wish I possessed your talent and creativity! You rock!

    • Lyn says

      July 2, 2014 at 12:24 pm

      Fantastic idea!

    • Finally realized says

      July 2, 2014 at 12:53 pm

      Oh dang! That is fantastic!

    • SAChump says

      July 2, 2014 at 1:10 pm

      I did the same! 200 page book with emails, Skypechats, erotic poems, and pictures of 3 OW (the ugliest ones I could find) and also lots of highlights to the juiciest parts …I didn’t print it because I thought it would be a waste of money and paper (I don’t work at a printer) but I send it to him as a pdf….When he saw it, it was the only time he cried during this whole ordeal. His crying was of embarrassment because his cover had been blown…not of remorse, of course. Unfortunately, I wasnt so smart as to give the book a title but I did set it up as three chapters of his life. It was painful for me to make, but his crying was priceless…

      • chumppalla says

        July 2, 2014 at 1:15 pm

        He was probably wondering how on Earth you could be so cruel to cast him in such unflattering light! Woe!

      • LovedaJackass says

        July 3, 2014 at 8:34 pm

        You rock, too. Hard to deny what’s in print and all bound up. 200 pages…amazing.

    • Arnold says

      July 2, 2014 at 1:22 pm

      So, when is that book freeatlast, available on Amazon?

    • Babushka says

      July 2, 2014 at 4:53 pm

      (standing ovation)

      BRAVO!!!

    • MovingOn says

      July 2, 2014 at 5:12 pm

      That is awesome. My hat’s off to you!

    • FoolMeTwice says

      July 3, 2014 at 11:33 pm

      The.best.ever.

    • Ms. Shepp says

      July 7, 2014 at 6:22 pm

      Fucking Fantastic. Go girl!

  18. fiestypants says

    July 2, 2014 at 9:28 am

    Brownies/chocolate cake. Brownies/cake that are served a la The Help–full of shit! Followed with a book to the tune of “Take your shit and eat it” or “how to cook your shit in 30 minutes or less!” or something like that.

  19. lucky35 says

    July 2, 2014 at 9:29 am

    Yes, I cooked him delicious crab cake sandwiches for dinner, delicately seasoned with curry powder and Chile. He complimented me from making them and then proceeded to tell me he didn’t live me like a girlfriend anymore (after 6 years together). I suspected another woman but like a true chump believed him when he said there was no one else.

    The second and last conversation, right before I moved out and discovered he had lied and been cheating, I had weeded the backyard and spent 2 hours making a special greek-themed Easter dinner.

    So my book would be” from gourmet to take-out: the story of a narcissist who ate out another woman”

    • kb says

      July 3, 2014 at 3:16 pm

      “Crab” cakes–subtle, oh so very subtle.

  20. Happilyeverafter1959 says

    July 2, 2014 at 9:39 am

    Well I never thought about buying any gifts for him. But he sure tried “apologising” or whatever to me almost one year later, by sending me a gift box of assorted flavored Olive Oils from a business trip he repeated that I went on one year previous with him. You see I had to surrender my olive oils at airport security because I forgot to put them in the check on luggage. I guess he thought he was being “Nice” to remind me of that bizarre trip we were on. Long story short…..he was so out of character on that trip it was scarey. His behavior was odd to say the least. Two months almost to the day after returning is when I found out about his creepy other life. My daughter was asked by him to find out if I had received the olive oils and did I like them. I never acknowledged them to him. They sit in a drawer. I think about regifting them or donating them to the food shelf. She also said that prior to him going on the trip he inquired if she thought it would be okay to invite me to go back there with him again and should he call and invite me. We haven’t spoken in months at that point. NC! She told him he was crazy for thinking that. Damn Right! He is crazy, demented and straight up out of his mind! I personally think the “gift” was his way of trying to inflict more pain on to me. Either that, or he is more delusional than we all ever thought. One sick puppy out of my life….Gifts…….OMG he rarely if ever gave me them over our 30 year relationship. And me….I was always buying him little things. Even if it was just his favorite nut mix or candy. I was always trying to surprise him with little things to say that I care. Never ever did I think about bribing that fucker back!

  21. Really says

    July 2, 2014 at 9:57 am

    Back when we were in (false) R, the xH “had” to go to a school event. I decided to go with him, with the kids, something I wouldn’t normally do. OW showed up (I found out later they had planned on meeting up that evening) and xH ignored her, in front of me.

    I was so happy, the next day I got him the new version of the iPad he wanted.

    Which he then used (a few hours later) to message with OW. They talked about how wonderful the sex they had (when I was out taking the kids to school) was.

    Lovely.

    I got the iPad in the divorce.

    • Miss Sunshine says

      July 3, 2014 at 1:26 am

      That fucker. “They talked about how wonderful the sex they had (when I was out taking the kids to school) was.”

      I swear they do this shit because they are passive-aggressive cowards and it makes them feel super awesome to stick it to you by sticking it to their whores. It’s really a passive-aggressive, shitty thing to do.

      Ugh. Fuckers. Sooooooooooo glad to not be married to such a fucking coward any more.

  22. Raging says

    July 2, 2014 at 10:04 am

    New gift Idea..

    Redo all your wedding photos, but Photoshop the OM/OW into each photo lurking in the background.. or just replace yourself with the OM/OW depending on your mood that day.

    • freeatlast says

      July 2, 2014 at 10:15 am

      I’ve thought about photoshopping him out of family pics around the house just to see if he’ll notice. He wasn’t present emotionally and mentally so why should he be physically right?

      • Free2b1 says

        July 2, 2014 at 11:09 am

        WOW…sooo true 🙁

    • Miss Sunshine says

      July 3, 2014 at 1:32 am

      Redo all your wedding photos, but Photoshop the OM/OW into each photo lurking in the background..

      That’s so creepily fantastic! [shiver]

      Wow! Kinda for real, though.

  23. RNE is going though the big D and I don't mean Dallas says

    July 2, 2014 at 10:56 am

    Gift card to the STD clinic.

    Weight Loss, Working Out, and Standing on Your Own Two Feet: How to convince your wife that you only cheated to make her a better person.

    • expatChump says

      July 2, 2014 at 11:08 am

      Love this! LOL.

    • MovingLiquid says

      July 2, 2014 at 11:09 am

      Love that title! It’s true for me.

    • Chump Princess says

      July 2, 2014 at 11:12 am

      OMG! THIS!

      Cheater actually said once, “See? Look at all the good things that happened because of this.” SMH. He really put the shit in bullshit.

      • Datdamwuf says

        July 2, 2014 at 11:37 am

        Chump Princess, my ex said the same thing “Look at you, you’re getting out of the house, you lost weight, you bought new clothes, this has really helped you” Followed by a pity party for how it hurt him so much. What the flying fuck? Yeah I lost weight, I was a bone, I wasn’t fat to begin with. Yeah I bought clothes because mine were falling off of me. What an asshole.

        • expatChump says

          July 2, 2014 at 11:53 am

          My STBX was offended because I basically ignored his comments/compliments regarding the weight loss and how great I looked.

        • Lyn says

          July 2, 2014 at 12:50 pm

          Yeah, mine was telling me that I’d finally get to do all the things I always wanted to do. See, he wasn’t doing anything unkind, he really had my best interests at heart!

          • DeeL says

            July 2, 2014 at 8:05 pm

            My stbxh said I should be happy because I could finally do the things I wanted. Yay me. And when he complimented me and I didn’t answer back was offended. Play nice good chump while I get patted on the head. Wtf.

  24. MovingLiquid says

    July 2, 2014 at 11:01 am

    My husband and I split up last October, but I didn’t know for certain that there was another woman until January. During November and December I was playing the pick me dance but I allowed myself to believe there was no other woman (in my heart I think I knew).

    I bought him household goods, cologne, food. He called me over for sex but then jumped right out of bed the second it was done and while I dressed he would ask me if I had any money. So I fucked him twice and paid for the “pleasure” of it, while he already had another woman. This was him wanting to see how far he could go simply for the thrill of it, and no thought at all to the fact that I gave up literally everything I had for him. Maybe he was even comparing us. I shudder to think.

    My book would be called: “The Internet Guide to finding Gullible Americans to Deplete their Life Savings and then Abandon their Fat Ass to go Live the American Dream.”

    Even now, almost nine months since d-day, I’ve come to that place where wanting him back is out of the question and I can envision my future without him, but still hard to believe he could simply turn and walk out of my life and not look back. Dealing with the pain and confusion of abandonment will be with me the longest, I think. If I could admit I was probably conned, I might begin to heal. I have to accept that he may never have cared for me at all.

    • Maree says

      July 2, 2014 at 11:07 am

      “Even now, almost nine months since d-day, I’ve come to that place where wanting him back is out of the question and I can envision my future without him, but still hard to believe he could simply turn and walk out of my life and not look back. Dealing with the pain and confusion of abandonment will be with me the longest, I think. If I could admit I was probably conned, I might begin to heal. I have to accept that he may never have cared for me at all”.

      ML, you took the words right out of my mouth.

      • LovedaJackass says

        July 2, 2014 at 11:55 am

        What heled me with the abandonment part was learning about how narcissists devalue and then discard people. Sometimes they discard a person while still technically living with them, as we have seen here many times; other times, they walk away into a new life, and still want to keep that hook in the abandoned person, in case there’s a need for him or her.

        • MovingLiquid says

          July 2, 2014 at 12:23 pm

          I agree, LovedaJackass, learning about how narcissists think would be in the same vein as admitting I was conned. I think that’s where I should focus now in my own healing process.

    • Jode70 says

      July 3, 2014 at 1:18 am

      “but still hard to believe he could simply turn and walk out of my life and not look back. Dealing with the pain and confusion of abandonment will be with me the longest, I think.”

      I’m with you on that… it is 3 years now for me and still I wonder how somebody could do this… just leave without even a backwards glance to either me or our children. Don’t get me wrong I am truly happy in my life now but will never understand how somebody could do this. Hugs

      • MrsM says

        July 7, 2014 at 9:41 pm

        same with me. i struggled with the “how could he simply turn and walk out of my life” and act like i was nothing and am nothing to him?

        my problem is the kids. they really miss him and want to see him. he says he wants to see them but shots down any suggestion i make. i dont want my kids to be around his MOW, i heard she was on meth, (that means he is too) she has 4 kids and she not only doesnt have them with her but she lives in a whole nother town and never sees them. in fact she has seen my kids more then her own. sick. he doesnt understand why i dont want the boys ariound her. thinks it is only because i am “jealous” she has him and i dont. i busted her lying to my kids so many times (in the past 3 months) and telling them things like “your dad and i love you so much” and “we wanted to see you yesterday but your mom didnt bring you” (not even his weekend.

        i tried every other weekend because that is what ever other divorced couple seems to be doing. he tells me, after not making any suggestions himself, that just because everyone else is doing it doesnt mean we have to do it that way. so i say, what do you want then. answer “i want to see my boys as much as possible” well you shouldnt have left and cheated on me then. huih

        i am still struggling on what is the best and the right thing to do.

        • Jode70 says

          July 8, 2014 at 8:55 pm

          MrsM, my ex sees the OWs kids all the time but mine if they are luck ever 6 months. I have suggested everything from having them every second weekend, to letting me know his roster and he can have them on his days off… huh are you kidding, that would interfere with the wonderfulness of his new life. Why would he want his kids around?? He fits them in when he has nothing better to do. My son doesn’t bother any more. My daughter still misses her dad.

  25. Monika says

    July 2, 2014 at 11:02 am

    I’d hate to be such a bragger but my ex didn’t get shit from me post DD. actually, I just gave him shit but that’s about it. I’m one of those fortunate people who in the last CL post’s fell into the category of kicking disordered cheater’s ass to the curb and never looking back. Prior to that I was the one buying him clothes, always making sure that he had clean laundry, nice Lacoste shirts, good shoes, etc. Post DD I gave a few nicer things away as a way to say “fuck you, let your OWs dress you and instill good taste in your stuck in the 80s taste.” Definitely not meh yet but surely not buying gifts either. It didn’t even cross my mind but that’s the beauty of refusing to dance the pick me dance. I guess DD was more of an eye opener and ultimate validation that it’s okay for me to hate him, since I’ve had that hate brewing in me for years anyway. So the discovery was simply what metaphorically broke the camel’s back. Yes, it was ugly and yes, it hurt like a motherfucker (still does), but at least I can proudly say that I’ve maintained my dignity.
    I did order a few books off Amazon about personality disorders and such and made a weak attempt to share some of the excerpts with him, but just like with every other piece of literature in the house, he just ignored it and pretended he didn’t have a problem. The best gift we can give ourselves and that is to lose a cheater, and gain a life.

    • expatChump says

      July 2, 2014 at 11:17 am

      Post DD I gave a few nicer things away as a way to say “fuck you, let your OWs dress you and instill good taste in your stuck in the 80s taste.”

      Hmmm. Giving away some of the nicer things (that I bought, or at least picked out). That just might happen…

    • horsesrcumin says

      July 2, 2014 at 5:31 pm

      Ha! I used to dress him, trim the offending ear hair, etc. He was known in our town (a friend told me one day) as the best dressed guy in town. No new clothes, shoes, etc, since D-day, and a bird could raise her chicks in those ears now. Hasn’t shopped since I met him. Not-so-hipster-now eh?

      • Ms. Shepp says

        July 7, 2014 at 6:57 pm

        He took everything he cared about, his phone, computers and screens, left the state and our son over a month ago. Not one call to our son. NOT ONE. It turns out dress shirts aren’t very absorbent. It took several to clean in and around the toilet. Lucky for me I have a supply.

  26. Datdamwuf says

    July 2, 2014 at 11:19 am

    The last Christmas, him still living in the house, against my will was awful. He wanted us to buy presents for each other, hoovering I guess. I went to CVS and bought him a magic kit…I was hoping he’d disappear, didn’t work.

    • PattyToo says

      July 2, 2014 at 1:44 pm

      😀

    • FoolMeTwice says

      July 3, 2014 at 11:40 pm

      “I went to CVS and bought him a magic kit…I was hoping he’d disappear, didn’t work.”

      BAHAHAHAHA

  27. Datdamwuf says

    July 2, 2014 at 11:33 am

    “Keep the Affair Partner Happy During Reconciliation: Updated with a bonus chapter on advanced gaslighting techniques for your spouse”

    “Wife Too Fat? The Cheaters Guide to Spousal Weight Loss”

    “How to Display Empathy During Reconciliation: Fool your Spouse in Five Easy Steps”

    • Chump Princess says

      July 2, 2014 at 12:19 pm

      Dat,

      These are hilarious!!! LOLOLOLOL!!!! My favorite? “Wife Too Fat? The Cheaters Guide to Spousal Weight Loss.” Priceless

      • LiningUpDucks says

        July 2, 2014 at 3:17 pm

        LOL! Along those lines….I lost a bunch of grief-weight after dday, and my ex tried to claim that I must have some kind of eating problem. As if I caused the weight loss on purpose. What an asshat. His cheating was the reason I was crying and puking in grief, while not having any appetite. Arrrgh!

  28. Kara says

    July 2, 2014 at 11:55 am

    Oo! Oo!

    “But It’s Just the Internet! Why getting online porn from other women is okay for him”

    Or

    “I’m Just Looking for Friends: Is that personal profile REALLY a problem?”

    Or

    “He Needs Other Women’s Numbers: Why you being street harassed hurts his self image.”

    XD this is fun…

    • MovingLiquid says

      July 2, 2014 at 12:25 pm

      Yeah, like someone else here posted, “Saying “I love you” online isn’t the same as saying it in person.”

  29. LovedaJackass says

    July 2, 2014 at 11:58 am

    The Cheater’s Guide to Communication: How to use Facebook, Apps, and Bat Phones to Keep Your Spouse in the Dark

    • Chump Princess says

      July 2, 2014 at 4:56 pm

      I’m particularly partial to the Bat Phone. 🙂 🙂

  30. Carolyn says

    July 2, 2014 at 12:10 pm

    I did not have to get a gifts for my cheater because he usually did that for me like he helpfully did so many other thing for like deciding which truths and facts I actually wanted to know . Tw o days after the first big Dday he announced he was going to treat himself to an expensive coat we couldn’t afford and he didn’t need at REI. He explained that he felt if he didn’t he would feel deprived and also he needed to do something nice for himself so he remembered that he was still a good person so he wasn’t overwhelmed by guilt — because this could trigger his cheating again and he knew I didn’t want that. So really he was doing it for me.

    • MovingLiquid says

      July 2, 2014 at 12:26 pm

      Oh, Carolyn.

    • Chump Princess says

      July 2, 2014 at 12:43 pm

      Carolyn,

      If this isn’t some of the most entitlement, fuckity-fucked up Cheaterspeak logic I’ve ever heard! What does this asshole do for a living? Ride around in a truck selling eternal youth pills and snake oil?! What a POS!!

    • MovingLiquid says

      July 2, 2014 at 2:56 pm

      Carolyn, my husband is so convinced he’s The Most Special that one Christmas we were flat broke and his mother sent him some money. Did he buy his daughters a gift with it? Did he buy me a gift with it? No. He bought himself an electric piano because he needed it for his soul.

      • LovedaJackass says

        July 2, 2014 at 3:15 pm

        He was hoping if he played it, his soul would rise from the dead.

        • MovingLiquid says

          July 2, 2014 at 6:58 pm

          hahahaha

    • Carolyn says

      July 2, 2014 at 3:47 pm

      Moving liquid, I hear you. Even now, my ex uses any money he has (and he makes a lot) or gifts he gets for him because he deserves it but doesn’t keep up with support or give the kids anything more than a $25 visa gift card he picked up at a convienence store for Christmas. I am glad your kids have you — they learn to deal and be resilient to this stuff even though it still hurts when they have a loving primary parent, Yes, CP, he is a snake oil salesman and sadly I was not only his biggest dupe but his wingman for a long time helping to convince others he was the good guy he appeared to be in public. And LaJ, hysterical.

      • Jode70 says

        July 2, 2014 at 4:35 pm

        Carolyn, they are all from ‘the same book… mine can’t possibly afford to pay half the money for his daughters braces but hey I will go on big holidays and build horse stables in my backyard!!!!!

    • Diana L says

      July 2, 2014 at 8:46 pm

      Wow. The I-was-bad-I-should-be-rewarded theory of reality.

  31. Chumpion says

    July 2, 2014 at 12:19 pm

    A framed photo of me taken today showing how much healthier, more relaxed, saner, wiser and awesome than I ever have been. An infinite digital audio loop of me smugly chuckling will play from a speaker on the back.

    It will be wrapped in nothing because I don’t like wrapping presents. However, I will say it is wrapped beautifully because it is my turn to warp reality to suit my selfish whims.

    My narcissist cheating ex-wife and her narcissist cheating boyfriend will be urged to put the chuckling photo on their mantle and if on the rare occasion my kids or his kids visit they can laugh with me.

    • Ms. Shepp says

      July 10, 2014 at 8:01 am

      Chumpion: “my turn to warp reality.” Love it. My stbx completely lost it when I asked him to help me carry a bookcase in from the car (it had been there for weeks). “It’s the middle of the night!” he kept yelling. It was 9pm. His regular bedtime was 2am. I felt like I was in bizarro world. If only I’d known then what I’ve learned here.

  32. Kara says

    July 2, 2014 at 12:22 pm

    My husband has one!

    “Horton Hears a Ho! And other stories of D-Day.”

    • Chump Princess says

      July 2, 2014 at 12:46 pm

      LIKE!!!! LOLOLOL!

    • Chump Lady says

      July 2, 2014 at 4:14 pm

      Loving the children’s book titles! “The Ugly Fuckling” or “Make Way for Fucklings.” “If You Give a Cheater a Kibble…” “Oh the Places You’ll Go … When I Throw Your Ass Out.”

      • Chump Lady says

        July 2, 2014 at 4:15 pm

        “How the Grinch Stole My Family.”

        • ANR says

          July 2, 2014 at 4:21 pm

          “Goodnight, Sucker”

      • Chump Lady says

        July 2, 2014 at 4:18 pm

        “Harold and the Purple Thong”

        • ANR says

          July 2, 2014 at 4:20 pm

          “James and the Giant Peach-Colored Bustier”

          • Kara says

            July 2, 2014 at 4:44 pm

            “The Skank in the Hat Keeps Coming Back.” XD

            Or

            “Amelia Bedielia Changes the Locks.”

        • Chump Princess says

          July 2, 2014 at 5:02 pm

          Go Whore Go!

          • LovedaJackass says

            July 2, 2014 at 5:54 pm

            “Mean Skanks and Ham”

          • DoneNow says

            July 2, 2014 at 8:22 pm

            My favorite! God, this thread of comments had me laughing hysterically.

            • FoolMeTwice says

              July 3, 2014 at 11:46 pm

              My kids just came in to find out if they needed to call 911. Thanks you guys. Oh my God, I cannot stop laughing!

        • MrsM says

          July 7, 2014 at 9:56 pm

          “The Ass in The Hat”

          “The Ass in The Hat Comes Back”

          • Ms. Shepp says

            July 10, 2014 at 7:35 am

            Hilarious!

      • JJ says

        July 2, 2014 at 10:47 pm

        Omg, mine was dreaming of his own better life whilst reading “oh the places you’ll go” to our 3yo each night 🙁

    • Tonya says

      July 2, 2014 at 4:55 pm

      Lord of The Flings.

      The Fault in Her Ass.

      Alice in Chumpland.

      • Chump Princess says

        July 2, 2014 at 5:06 pm

        Cheater Island

        Narcissist Son Crusoe

      • Chump Princess says

        July 2, 2014 at 5:16 pm

        A Douche Grows In Brooklyn

        Death of a Douchebag

        How Green Was Your Money That I Spent

        Mopey Dick

        Wuthering Whores

        • horsesrcumin says

          July 2, 2014 at 5:35 pm

          Mopey Dick! {choking on my Earl Grey!}

          • Deborah says

            July 2, 2014 at 8:24 pm

            Don’t forget the The Little Prick, it’s a classic!

        • UnderConstruction says

          July 2, 2014 at 7:13 pm

          Omygod this list! Hahahahaaa thank you!
          This whole thread has gifted me tears of joy instead of tears of sorrow.. all of you are the best!

        • Jode70 says

          July 3, 2014 at 1:33 am

          bahahahaha… OH I love it!!! Death of a Douchebag

          You’ve made my day

      • NorthernLight says

        July 5, 2014 at 3:52 pm

        A Narcissist Named Desire

  33. namedforvera says

    July 2, 2014 at 12:28 pm

    I just think you give them the bill for the legal fees. You know, in a really nice envelope. Like you do.

    • Nord says

      July 2, 2014 at 1:28 pm

      I did have my ex pay for my legal bill. He didn’t realise it but yep, he paid for the whole thing.

      • blue says

        July 2, 2014 at 3:04 pm

        How did you manage that?

  34. Much Better Off Now says

    July 2, 2014 at 12:34 pm

    While I was doing the pick me dance, I bought him lots of stuff- clothes, cologne, lots of expensive couples therapy. He left all sorts of crap at my house when he left- I gave away some of the nicer things before he picked up his shit. There was some satisfaction in that!

    Now, I’d just give him a box of Massengill with his photo on the box.

  35. FlyingSquirrel says

    July 2, 2014 at 12:42 pm

    “It’s Not Me, It’s You: Blame Shifting 101”

    “Dance, Varmit! The Old West Guide to Getting Your Chump to Pick-Me Dance”

    “Gaslighting for Fun and Profit”

    “How to Win Cake and Influence Chumps”

    • paula says

      July 2, 2014 at 2:29 pm

      FS-
      Dance, Varmit… Laughing so hard – all I want to do is take you out for a beer because this is the funniest thing I’ve read in forever!!!

      • FlyingSquirrel says

        July 2, 2014 at 3:18 pm

        Ah, thanks! If you’re in SoCal, I’d happily take you up on that.

    • LiningUpDucks says

      July 2, 2014 at 3:18 pm

      Classics!

  36. MMargaret says

    July 2, 2014 at 12:43 pm

    If my ex husbands are checking me out via friends of friends they will see an unmistakably happy and healthy woman enjoying life to the max, a development they gave their all to prevent. I think it’s a great gift!

  37. Lyn says

    July 2, 2014 at 12:44 pm

    I gave my cheater an mandolin for Christmas because he’d always said he wanted one. He promptly took it to a party at OW’s house and played for her family at a party. Nice.

    RIC titles:

    Suddenly Sobbing Spouses
    Tips on discovering whether it’s a brain tumor or an affair

    Going Down With the Ship
    Lessons on standing for your marriage

    Solo Marriage Counseling for Dummies

    Spying on Your Spouse
    When you want to look, you probably should

    For Better of for Worse
    Tips on how bad it can get

    • chumppalla says

      July 2, 2014 at 1:25 pm

      Good ones, Lyn!

      • LovedaJackass says

        July 2, 2014 at 3:17 pm

        “Solo Marriage Counseling for Dummies” is really a good one.

    • NorthernLight says

      July 5, 2014 at 3:56 pm

      These cracked me up. Especially:
      For Better of for Worse
      Tips on how bad it can get

  38. AnnieW56 says

    July 2, 2014 at 12:58 pm

    Never bought him a single thing. He, however, paid my car off for me in the hopes that I would be nice in the divorce. I wasn’t.

    For book titles how about: “There are worse things than being alone”

    “The screwing I got while I was being screwed”

    “You and me and the Bitch makes three”

    “Everybody’s fault but my own”

    “How to play the Blame Game Cheater Style”

    • chumpittychump says

      July 3, 2014 at 12:40 pm

      HAHAH Annie! You and me and the bitch makes three and Everybody’s fault but my own…

      Yup that sums it up!!

  39. Chumpalicious says

    July 2, 2014 at 1:01 pm

    I gave him the gift that keeps on giving. I let him have his ho.

    • Whatawaste says

      July 3, 2014 at 12:57 am

      Word up, ugly, dumb and three young kids that are wild because she can’t parent outside of buying groceries from Whole Foods, thanks to the profitable business that I set up and had to relinquish in the divorce. She’s a serial cheater and homewrecker. Good luck with that.

    • Rosie Boa says

      July 3, 2014 at 7:13 am

      Hahaha Chumpalicious! Me too – I set him free to ride off into the sunset with the skank. She makes him happy!

      What I know, but he doesn’t, is that she procured and disposed of her last two husbands in exactly the same way. Together, they are their very own karma bus.

  40. C.S. says

    July 2, 2014 at 1:12 pm

    I am still trying to wrap my brain around the suggestion of winning your cheater back by giving them Gift(s). Shall we make it a Holiday Celebration or Anniversary?!? “Here, Honey, let me wrap my Brokenness in this fabulous box, ooooh, and there’s a card too, so that you can be reminded of it daily…!”

    On a fun note, was reading the above posts of all the fantastic book ideas and thought of a few…
    * Betty Crocker’s Crock of Shit Slow Cooker Recipes
    * Cock-A-Doodle-Do-ing- anything that moves, and, part two, Cock-A-Doodle-Do-ing away with Dysfunction

    *Narcissistic Abuser – eau de cologne with notes of ego and skank
    * A copy of a new version of the movie, “Multiplicity” – Multiple Partners, Multiple Lies.

    Lastly, a Map to the Island of Infidelity with a sling shot so when his balls finally fall off he can shoot them off into the Sunset.

    • FlyingSquirrel says

      July 2, 2014 at 3:20 pm

      Betty Crocker, lol!

  41. Irish says

    July 2, 2014 at 1:19 pm

    Ten Easy Ways to Get the Wife and Kids Outta the House so you can Pull Your Pud Looking at Porn…….
    Coping with Guilt: This has Nothing to do with you, so don’t take it Personal

    Using Technology to Baffle your Wife

    • Jode70 says

      July 2, 2014 at 4:42 pm

      That made me laugh 🙂 🙂 🙂

    • Whatawaste says

      July 3, 2014 at 12:59 am

      Oh yes, mine never helped me with baby sleeping issues so I usually slept during the day. Chumpy me finally realized it was so he could wank to his favorite porn mistress.

  42. Syringa says

    July 2, 2014 at 1:21 pm

    I can say I didn’t give him one DAMN thing except grief. He on the other hand, gave me money. Lots of it. I’m not sure why. Guilt, I guess. I happily accepted it.

    • Irish says

      July 2, 2014 at 1:31 pm

      Oh, I did give him a permanent order of protection to keep his stupid perverted ass AWAY from me and he has very little time with the kids. :-):-):-):-):-)

  43. SAChump says

    July 2, 2014 at 1:27 pm

    I bought him the most expensive and exclusive bottle of whiskey I could find on a business trip to Scotland I made during our separation, a month before DDAY (I didnt know that there was an OW but I asked for a separation because he was acting so horribly, I couldnt take it anymore). During our first conversations after DDay, I made sure I drank as much of that whiskey as possible. I wasnt going to let the OW get any of it. The amazing thing is that it helped me think straight and I didnt get drunk…it tasted soooo good, and I don’t even like whiskey that much.

    A title:

    “The Infidelity Diet: How to Loose Weight Instantly without Even Trying”

    ‘I Just Wanted to Feel Like a Man’ and Other Stupid Shit Cheaters Say

    • Irish says

      July 2, 2014 at 1:40 pm

      How to Lie Like a trained CIA Agent

      Double Lives:How To Keep them Straight

      Fleecing Your Wife: Do it right and she’ll never know

      How to Explain to Your Children you are a Perverted Ashore

      Testicles: A Womans Guide on How to Wear them as Earrings

  44. Irish says

    July 2, 2014 at 1:41 pm

    Asshole I hate autocorrect

    • Datdamwuf says

      July 2, 2014 at 5:59 pm

      I’m so glad to see you post Irish! 🙂

    • Deborah says

      July 2, 2014 at 8:18 pm

      I think As hore is much better, lmao

  45. Sad in Seattle says

    July 2, 2014 at 2:04 pm

    His freedom.

    • UnderConstruction says

      July 3, 2014 at 10:51 am

      Yeah… but not really… he’ll never be free from his own karma and subconscious that knows all of the lies and pain he’s made in his life by being a selfish person.

      You on the other hand got the gift of freedom, even if it is terribly painful at this moment. I’m just reaching shore from several years lost at sea during a fake reconciliation, found out he’s started “talking” with another female co-worker. I still love who he was, and spend hours daily feeling awful because I miss my best friend (that he used to be), but can tell you that it does get easier and way better after some time passes and you start to focus on yourself and what you want to create for your own life without his lies. I’m so sorry that you’re going thru all of this, it’s ugly and so painful… but you are mighty and you will get to the other side. CL has totally helped me do a 180* shift, wishing you the same! Do special things for yourself often too, that helps a lot!

      • UnderConstruction says

        July 8, 2014 at 5:41 pm

        Not to be confused with the infamous “180 to get your cheater back”!! I meant a 180 degree shift in thinking, for my own benefit! 😉

  46. ANC says

    July 2, 2014 at 2:22 pm

    “I found the ‘I’ in Team: A Narcissist’s Guide to Marrige”

    ( the word TEAM needs to be in block lettering. The open areas in the ‘A’ need to be shaded, so that the letter ‘I’ is found in the Middle of the A-hole.)

    • chumppalla says

      July 2, 2014 at 4:19 pm

      hehe

    • lucky35 says

      July 2, 2014 at 5:42 pm

      Ha ha ha ha!!!! I love this title, I wish I could leave it on my ex’s doorstep. Lol

    • ForgeOn! says

      July 2, 2014 at 7:17 pm

      Brilliant, ANC, Brilliant……
      Cartoon material?

  47. ANC says

    July 2, 2014 at 2:27 pm

    ” ‘She’s Not MY Mother’ and Other Truths to be Modeled to Your Children by Super Narcs”

  48. Strad says

    July 2, 2014 at 2:34 pm

    Remember the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”?
    My version:
    “Women are from Venus, Men are from Uranus”

  49. DoneNow says

    July 2, 2014 at 2:44 pm

    A camera, a camera! He had to have a better camera! I got a nice one as a present. Why couldn’t he have one too?? He would try to sneak it out to use it even though it was one of the only things that was supposed to be “mine.” He would ask if he could have it since I wasn’t using it. OBSESSED. Shortly before we divided the assets-“I’m ordering a camera, is that OK?” I said yes, because I was too beaten down to argue about it. Happy Birthday! It was $800 including the tripod. What did he need a full sized tripod for? The man is not a photographer. I have a pretty good idea-yuck! I also have a pretty good idea of what his new coffee table book would be titled, but I will spare you.

  50. DoneNow says

    July 2, 2014 at 3:15 pm

    Book title: After the Affair, After That Affair, After That Other Affair…Which Affair Was That Again?

    • Chump Lady says

      July 2, 2014 at 4:22 pm

      LOL!!!

  51. LovedaJackass says

    July 2, 2014 at 3:23 pm

    I read these posts and think about the movie “The Help” and the chocolate pie with that special ingredient that Minny gave Miss Hilly…

    • fiestypants says

      July 2, 2014 at 3:45 pm

      Lovedajackass, first thing that came to my head. I’m all up on it above 😉

      • LovedaJackass says

        July 2, 2014 at 5:55 pm

        Missed it, sorry! 🙂

  52. chumppalla says

    July 2, 2014 at 4:15 pm

    “How to Find Women Who Love too Much” – Cheater’s Guide to Cake

    “Sexless Marriage”: How to Create, Escape, and Justify in One Easy Step through Porn”

    “Spousal Parenting” – Nurturing your Narc’s Post-Adolescence Childhood

    “It’s Not a Problem If . . . ” 101 Psych Defenses against Other Peoples’ Reality

    “YOLO!” And other Barrier-Busters for the Happiness You Deserve Today

    “Standing” – Defy Your LIMITS! Personal Growth as an Extreme Sport

    • Chump Princess says

      July 2, 2014 at 5:21 pm

      I absolutely LOVE these!

      • Sammie D says

        July 2, 2014 at 10:58 pm

        “Standing” – Defy Your LIMITS! Personal Growth as an Extreme Sport

        omg this is so funny standing in the very beginning did feel like this. love the humor.

  53. Linda2 says

    July 2, 2014 at 4:47 pm

    The Idiots Guide to Mindfuckery

  54. Jode70 says

    July 2, 2014 at 4:50 pm

    Douchebags r Us – a book to fuck around on your wife because you can.

  55. Lisah says

    July 2, 2014 at 5:31 pm

    “Herpies…the Love Bug ”

    How about a t shirt that says “I love you…but I am not in love with you”.
    ( my stbx loved t-shirts with saying on them )

    Oh – and at Chtistmas run around telling everyone how they had better enjoy this family Christmas ’cause it’s the last one we ‘re gonna have ! With shark eyes and a weird grin on face . Ho ho ho.

    That year we did not exchange gifts. But we did stockings
    Here are some of the things I wish I could have put in his stocking:
    1. Lump of coal
    2. Xs condoms
    3. Mouthwash
    4. A dick warmer
    5. A roll of Tums
    6. SAA subscription
    7. QTips – seriously
    8. Axe – cause I think he ran out
    9. Glasses – really – you should see her!
    10. A heart

    • Sammie D says

      July 2, 2014 at 10:55 pm

      My Ex is into slogan shirts too, I so wish I had one a friend sent him from Alabama years ago.
      Imagine a front page title banner of a news paper.

      Banner heading ‘ CANCEL MY SUBSCRIPTION’ sub text, ‘because I am tired of your issues.

      I so wish I had that T-shirt now I would hand write STBX’s name above the picture.

    • Still a chump says

      July 2, 2014 at 11:08 pm

      I did give my husband a lump of coal in his stocking that first Christmas after DDay. My niece was there and my sister says that she really believes in Santa now.

      • Kara says

        July 3, 2014 at 9:02 am

        I have actually found shirts that say “I used to be fucking stupid…but then we broke up.”

    • kb says

      July 3, 2014 at 10:00 am

      Ah, Axe!

      I work with college-age students, and we make jokes about the students who wear Axe.

      STBX started to use Old Spice. Lots of it. I wanted to tell him that nothing marked him as much as smelling as if he’d taken a bath in Old Spice did.

      Maybe another gift for STBX: a gift box of Old Spice.

      • UnderConstruction says

        July 3, 2014 at 10:59 am

        What is it with AXE??! Mine did the same thing! New underwear, a gym membership and started wearing AXE body spray all in the same week! I should have known something bigger was up, but chumpy me had no clue, trusting as I was then, I thought he just wanted to feel better about himself for himself! Duh.

        • DoneNow says

          July 3, 2014 at 11:13 am

          Ok, it’s gross, but it’s all an attempt to hide the skanky smells and stuff. Mine got a gym membership, and showered there. And showered when he got home. And before he went to “the gym.” All coated with a nice layer of body spray. He also hid deodorant and disposable toothbrushes in his car. And viagra. It’s so hard to think the way they do. A bang-mobile, of course! He was ready for any situation that came along. And he’s no college student.

          • kb says

            July 3, 2014 at 3:19 pm

            Yes, well, that was our joke. One of the units is known for the number of males who wear Axe. During our big eco-sustainability push, when all units vie for saving the most energy, we joked that that one unit would always win because the men didn’t need to bathe–just wear more AXE. 😛

  56. Halfhearted Unicorn says

    July 2, 2014 at 5:52 pm

    Deceptively Delicious-How to Get Your Trusting Spouse to Keep Swallowing Your Lies(or How to Make Shit Sandwiches Taste Like Fluffernutters). This might be more Mrs. Seinfeld can do!

    • Chump Lady says

      July 2, 2014 at 8:11 pm

      LOL at fluffernutter!

  57. Deborah says

    July 2, 2014 at 8:10 pm

    OMG, these are the funniest posts yet! I am crying from laughing so much.

    New Instagram Filters for the cheater…………..
    Privates Appear larger than they Really Are
    Stomachs are Flatter than they really are

  58. bat(blind)man says

    July 2, 2014 at 8:19 pm

    The best gift is the cheater they cheated with, how could they ever trust one another. Both players, now and they have to live in that state of mind. My x married her lover, our former family friend now fiend.

    • kb says

      July 3, 2014 at 10:01 am

      Ah yes. The OW conveniently forgets that a woman who marries a man who cheats on his wife has married a man who cheats on his wife. 😉

  59. DeeL says

    July 2, 2014 at 8:30 pm

    I Deserve To Be Happy: How to screw your family overnight.

    You’re my best friend: there’s no need to be jealous

    Don’t hate your cheating ex: ten easy ways to serve cake and pick me dancing

  60. DeeL says

    July 2, 2014 at 8:48 pm

    Remorse: But I Said I Was Sorry

  61. DeeL says

    July 2, 2014 at 9:23 pm

    Batshit Crazy: How You Can Avoid This and “Stand” by Your Man/Woman

    Schmoopie:ten fin filled facts to prove out love is real.

  62. Sammie D says

    July 2, 2014 at 9:39 pm

    I never bought things for my STBX as I pretty much new when I put him out our relationship was done. He on the other hand must have felt very neglected by my actions as he promptly bought himself a new car, and with held my child support in order to have enough money to do winery tours in another state with his brother one month.

    I can fully relate to the need to by new cloths, I remember putting on a pair of PJ pants I had taken to the hospital and thinking, F’Me what clown owns these. They were colored stripes and now so big I had to hold them up.

    Book Title –

    ‘COMPARTMENTALIZATION’
    A cake eaters spiritual guide to justification.

  63. Chump Change says

    July 2, 2014 at 10:03 pm

    Mort Fertel sued me for 1.5 million dollars when I posted online about his contradictory return policy. I am not joking. Of course we know his guy is there to help us chumps any way he can.

    • Jode70 says

      July 3, 2014 at 1:39 am

      Oh wow Chump Change… are you kidding??? I got sucked into his BS. He was the one that really kept me stuck for months!!!

    • LovedaJackass says

      July 3, 2014 at 7:36 am

      Might this be a clue that he like kibbles? And his gift idea shows his deep insight into what narcissist cheaters need–gifts as ego chow? Note, I said “might” so this can’t be construed as defamation and therefore grounds for another suit, as I am trying to figure out why anyone would sue for 1.5 million over an internet post…

  64. Rosie Boa says

    July 3, 2014 at 7:19 am

    My book title would be ‘I’m Not Happy’. With a byline of ‘…and it’s all your fault…’

  65. Rosie Boa says

    July 3, 2014 at 7:21 am

    Or ‘The Seven Habits of Highly Disordered People’

    • LovedaJackass says

      July 3, 2014 at 7:36 am

      Love this one!

      • LiningUpDucks says

        July 3, 2014 at 8:03 am

        Wonderful!!

  66. Datdamwuf says

    July 3, 2014 at 8:15 am

    Not “Just Married”: Rebuilding Your Single Life and Instilling Insanity in Your Spouse During Infidelity

  67. LiningUpDucks says

    July 3, 2014 at 8:21 am

    Makes me think of those MasterCard commercials. “There are some things money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s MasterCard.”

    GPS tracker – $250
    Divorce attorney – $225/hour
    Moving van – $800
    The look on his face when he realizes you moved out while he was at work: Priceless

    • ANR says

      July 3, 2014 at 8:23 am

      $225/hr? American lawyers work cheap!

      • kb says

        July 3, 2014 at 10:05 am

        It depends on the area. It varies, too. Mine’s more, but not much more, and she’s at the upper tier in local prices, but not as expensive as another attorney who has more overall experience (worked as an assistant prosecuter for years) but lacks the depth of family law experience.

        • Datdamwuf says

          July 3, 2014 at 11:52 am

          My atty cost $400 an hour…

    • Danabern7 says

      July 3, 2014 at 9:55 am

      Lining up ducks. LOL!!!! Great idea! Come on Chump Nation, you’ve got to have more of these.

  68. Flora says

    July 3, 2014 at 9:33 am

    “Yours, Mine and Ours–NO, IT’S ALL MINE!” – A cheaters guide to getting what you deserve in your divorce settlement .

    “To catch a Cheater” – how to avoid all the traps set by even the brightest chumps.

    “How to Justify Anything” – and let go of that guilty conscience.

    “Lie to Me”- How to get your spouse to believe your wildest stories.

    “A Cheater’s Guide to the Last Phone Booths in Canada” —a helpful map  for the traveller with a 7-11 calling card.

    “Gone with the Wind ” – how to leave your chump and family when the cake is gone.

    “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” – and other cozy getaways for your extramarital flings

    “Valley of the Dolls” – a fictional account of a cheating man’s quest for utopia.

    “Bury That Lying Witch in a Wardrobe” – a chump’s guide to revenge.

    • Datdamwuf says

      July 3, 2014 at 11:53 am

      map to phone booths, LOL

  69. Little Mighty Me says

    July 3, 2014 at 10:25 am

    Book Title: When You Love Your Husband More Than Anything In The World…and So Does He!

    • Chump Princess says

      July 3, 2014 at 11:39 am

      THIS!!! YES!!!

      • Meg says

        July 3, 2014 at 1:33 pm

        There really is a very good book about narcissists called “When you love a man who loves himself.” by Keith Campbell, Ph.D.

        I used to say that we had a lot in common: I loved him and he loved him!

  70. TodoVa says

    July 3, 2014 at 1:50 pm

    Book titles:

    My 15 y/o daughter (then 13), who discovered exH’s cheating, suggested these:
    The Perks of being a Cheater
    CheaterDog Millionare: A Cheater’s history explains why he cheated

    Here are mine:
    Cheater Entitlement: Don’t even try to understand it, I’m entitled and that’s that
    About a Cheater: The true colors of a Cheater and how to {NOT} cope with it
    One Flew Over the Cukoo’s Nest and into the arms of the OW

  71. Angie says

    July 3, 2014 at 2:24 pm

    Book Titles:

    Banging Your Ho-Worker – How to pork your girl friend at work and not get fired

    How to Justify Anything in 5 Easy Steps

    Blaming Others – The Cheaters Guide to living guilt free

    Liar Liar Pants On Fire – Learn how to tell the most ridiculous lie with a straight face

  72. Angie says

    July 3, 2014 at 2:25 pm

    Oh, how could I forgot the classic –

    I Know My Husband Loves me – because his girl friend told me so.

    • chumppalla says

      July 4, 2014 at 6:19 am

      omg.

      • Angie says

        July 11, 2014 at 3:24 pm

        And yes, I seriously heard this from a “talk” I had with the OW online. Sheesh, so comforting. lol

  73. thesparklykangaroo says

    July 3, 2014 at 3:13 pm

    I’d give a cookbook once his penis is removed…

    The title is as follows:
    To Serve Man: 101 Ways to Cook, Bake, BBQ, and Fricassee Penis

    • kb says

      July 3, 2014 at 3:21 pm

      Ewwww….I mean, I get the desire for revenge, but no way would I even think about eating that. Outside of the very disturbing imagery, we all know where it’s been!

      • sparklykangaroo says

        July 4, 2014 at 4:12 am

        Oh, I sure would not have ANY intention of actually consuming a penis. (Soooooo gross) but one would hope that the very title of the book would give him the heebeejeebies and make him wonder and worry that some way, some where, he was going to face the karma bus and have his wanker removed.

  74. Chump Princess says

    July 3, 2014 at 3:40 pm

    12 Angry Mistresses

    The Knobgobbler

    2001 Skanks – An STD Odyssey

  75. Bellzero says

    July 3, 2014 at 6:47 pm

    Hi all , great posts from one and all.

    My book selections
    iLYBIDLYAM ….but can we still be friends(with benefits)
    How to track down a skankywhore.

  76. Shechump says

    July 3, 2014 at 7:16 pm

    I gave my H a chance to take me to Hawaii as a good-bye present to ME! Buh Bye!

    • TodoVa says

      July 3, 2014 at 7:59 pm

      My daughter and I let my exH take us on a family trip to NYC, twice mind you. This, while I was planning our escape route! My daughter discovered his cheating, she was 13 at the time. She’s now 15 and just soaks it all up, you know, in the name of making it up to her and her two younger sisters. We’ve since divorced, but he still does this kind of stuff. Depending my daughters’ mood, they accept or reject. Priceless.

      • Shechump says

        July 3, 2014 at 8:16 pm

        wtg – TodoVa, and your daughter too. Sorry she had to go through something like that at her age. Happened to me with my Dad. You never get over it. But, yeah, if you can get anything during the guilt phase, go for it. Of course, I learned this here at CL.

  77. Shechump says

    July 3, 2014 at 7:30 pm

    Loved all the book references. I’m not nearly as good as all you. But, here’s my stab:
    (wait – oops, it’s not a book title except the first line – Little Miss Muffet)

    Little Miss Venus
    Sat on her penis
    Eating her lover his whey
    Along came a spidey, that sat down beside her
    Crazy wife, who scared Ms Venus to pray

  78. Uniquelyme says

    July 3, 2014 at 7:42 pm

    My list of book titles to give to cheater ex as field guides for his future marriages:

    The Art of Gaslighting
    Love Means Never Having to Stay Faithful
    Think and Grow Your Dick
    The 4-Hour Whore Week
    The Power of Positive Faking
    The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Cheaters
    Awaken the Giant Asshole Within
    The Science of A One-Sided Open Marriage

  79. Shechump says

    July 3, 2014 at 8:19 pm

    LOL Uniquelyme. I would just change one:
    Think how to Grow your Dick Bigger by selfies.

  80. Shechump says

    July 3, 2014 at 8:23 pm

    Uniqueleyme. You know, I almost hit the hyperlink on the one on your list of ‘7 Habits of Highly Effective Cheaters’. Doh me. But, I’d like to read those! Signed, what a chump I am.

  81. Tessie says

    July 3, 2014 at 9:18 pm

    The Art Of Covert Whoopie With Your Schmoopie, How to Keep Your Spouse In The Dark About Your Cheating

    How To Make A Big Impression With That New Lover….Advanced Photo Techniques To Enhance Your Genitals

    A Fist Full Of Viagra

    Return Of The King… How To Con Your Chump Into Taking You Back So You Can Have Some More Cake

  82. Kara says

    July 3, 2014 at 10:17 pm

    I got more!

    “Video Game Vixens: You’ll Never Measure up, So Just Shut Up.”

    Including chapters such as:

    1) Their boobs will always be bigger: Getting used to the unnatural body

    2) They will always wear skimpier clothes: Perfectly in place and form-fitting
    -Side notes: Alternate costumes and how much more skin they show

    3) Cheats and Tricks: How he will manipulate the game to make her naked

    4) Posters: Yes, he IS masturbating to them and yes they ARE a threat
    -Sidenotes: There will never be anything you can do about it
    -You will age, but THEY never will!
    and

    5) Second Fiddle: You will always be so.

    • chumppalla says

      July 4, 2014 at 6:24 am

      So sorry.

  83. zyx321 says

    July 3, 2014 at 11:34 pm

    My cheating ex gave himself the present:
    He married the OW, who cheated on her own husband.

    Good thing he likes cake, ‘cuz here’s the icing:
    OWife got pregnant (by ex presumably) 2x (one miscarriage) before either divorce was finalized (and before OW had even filed).

    He got what he deserves.

  84. Sammie D says

    July 4, 2014 at 1:31 am

    This site is so educational, I have not gone to many other sites as I found CL and felt at home. I personally Praise God for Chump Nation,

    but so I understood what the issue was with this Mort person thought I would go check it out. Read his post on his FB page from June 26. Wow what a load! For anyone to actually say that a cheater who has pend a letter to such a person as himself indicates that the cheater has undeniably changed, and that the blockage to the restoration of the marriage is the inability of the cheated spouse to forgive and get past it. Makes me so angry. And I think my own minister has to be subscribing to this persons self professed gospel. Hallelujah for the clear thinking that leads to true restoration of the abused spouse so they can live a full life without the need to constantly look over their shoulder.

    Thanks of listening, rant over.

  85. Meg says

    July 4, 2014 at 8:58 am

    More book titles:

    Say Less: What to do if you talk too much about yourself
    Unsubscribe: a no-contact guide
    Not Just Enemies: Beyond Betrayal

  86. Marci says

    July 7, 2014 at 3:04 pm

    When I realized he was cheating with a colleague, I kept my cool. I hated him already. I watched his routine, and timed it so he got a good dose of laxative an hour or so before he went out for a little tryst with honey. He came home about 3 hours later, clutching his abdomen and saying he was sick as a dog.

  87. MrsM says

    July 7, 2014 at 10:02 pm

    And one for the chumps

    “Weight Loss — How to Lose 135 pounds off Your Back”

    • MrsM says

      July 7, 2014 at 10:02 pm

      my x was a small man

  88. Rarity says

    October 29, 2014 at 8:55 am

    T-shirt with an arrow pointing down that says, “I’m with stupid.”

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