Stay in Touch

Check out CL's Book

What Gift Do You Give a Cheater?

Riffing on our renconcilliation post the other day, Blue mentioned that Mort Fertel advises you win your cheater back with gifts.

I wonder what gift says “thanks for the STDs”? Is there a gift guide for infidelity? Third D-day? Oh, that’s silver. Fifth D-day that’s paper. (Divorce papers?)

I mean what kind of lunacy is this? Does Mort Fertel advise people who have been mugged to win back their wallets with moonlit dinners? “Yes, I know you held me up at knife point, but I thought if we could just sit down to a nice osso bucco you’d be persuaded to return my  money. More wine?”

This prompted today’s post idea — what’s your crazy cheater gift idea?

Red had a good suggestion too — what’s the humorous title of your reconciliation guide? “When Splendid People Hook up on Craigslist?” “Getting the Love You Need from a Sociopath”?

Lay it on me.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.

  • Hmmm?

    Betrayed men should probably gift their cheating wives a pair of charm bracelet balls so that she can wear his balls around her wrist. Symbolism works with women, and she’ll know that he knows.

    Betrayed women, on the other hand, cannot afford to be subtle because male cheaters rarely get subtle even if they wear a man purse, apply patchouli oil and cry when they read greeting cards, so… I think you should just set him up with your female friends/relatives or hire hookers; that’s not too subtle, is it?

    • Bahahaha! Charm bracelet balls! You could sell them on the HSN. Who the hell is Mort Fertel? What an idiot. He’s probably still angry that he’s named Mort Fertel.

  • Ohhhhh! Let me be the first to say it… The best gift would be YOUR NEW BOOK! With a note that says “Thank you to you, and the millions of sociopaths like you, for the fodder that will make this neat lady famous! HUGS! FLBright”

  • How about “I’m Okay, You’re Not” or “How to Fuck Your Own Best Friend”.

  • I gave my cheater gifts. A jet-ski rental. New lingerie that I wore for him. The entire pick-me-dance was full of small gifts, physical and symbolic. The biggest gift I gave him was my trust and a second chance at our marriage, which he flushed down the toilet.

    My RIC bestseller: “How to Fool Yourself into Thinking Your Marriage is Fine – The Power of Denial”

    • Or “How Things Are is not as Important as How I Want Them to Be”.

      Uber-Chumps and Cheaters will be attracted to the title 🙂 Now if you can craft a message that appeals t both of them, that would be tru art; something along the lines of, the cheating is not the cheater’s fault entirely, and only the chump can improve the marriage. Instant classic?

      • Minus the first redundant “How”? lol I need to wake up–coffee.

  • These are from my husband (I’m not taking credit) — “Fifty Shades of Fucked Up”
    “Harry Potter and the Divorce Court of Doom”
    “Chicken Soup for the Soulless”

    • LOL, CL I’ve been using that exact fifty shades one myself to describe my BDSM loving cheater! Too funny!

      • Here’s too funny: my ex tweeted about going away with his shiny new one of course to a place we’d gone for our thirty years or marriage: and in the tweet said, he thought enticingly, ‘and now, for *fifteen* shades of gray…’
        Yeah, I think even with the shiny new model of me, that’s about all he could get it to….LOL!

  • Roses, 2 nights out with expensive dinner and movies, gourmet ice cream, a $700 exercise bike, fucking $100 worth of fucking candles at Yankee fucking Candle. 2 years later me and my kids eat ramen noodles to make ends meet.

    • I feel all the “fucks.” You are not alone. I am so angry! F-ing gmo corn muffins for my son’s dinner, while X is posting pics of his restaurant meals on G+? I feel your pain.

  • The greatest gift I ever gave my cheater was the gift of reconciliation. We all know how that turned out!

  • Reconciliation books:
    You’ve Got Crabs!
    Hiding Mr. Happy – A memoir
    Love me, love my soul sapping neurosis
    I’m OK, you suck balls.

    Gifts for cheaters:
    Viagra/Exlax brownies
    A purse she can store his balls in
    Framed quote: “When you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you marry a man who cheats on his wife.”

    • Hiding Mr Happy – ROTFLMAO!!!

      I’m having visions of a picture book, something like Where’s Wally? (I think you Americans call him Waldo?)

    • Framed quote: “When you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you marry a man who cheats on his wife.”

      This should be a Hallmark card. LOL!!

  • Build your own lie detector kit from Radio Shack.

    GPS tracking device from Radio Shack.

    Voice Activated Recorder, from yea.. Radio Shack.

    Get all the gifts for your cheating spouse at Radio Shack.

    My book.. How Radio Shack can save your marriage.

  • Gift certificate to Happy Endings Asian Massage and/or Goliath’s Saunatel for Men

    “The Kids Are Alright: Letting Go of the Things That Keep You From Fucking Around”
    “Let Me Be Your Bitch Forever: Unequal Marriage and the Audacity of Hopium”
    “Building the Empty Marriage”

    • “The Kids Are Alright: Letting Go of the Things That Keep You From Fucking Around”…..

      ………….fucking hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (because they believe this shit!)

      • “The Kids Are Alright: Letting Go of the Things That Keep You From Fucking Around”

        Ha ha ha ha haaaa!

        My second boy is a seething mass of rage and unhappiness, and my girl has developed anorexia.

        But none of that is to do with him, he now has come to re-examine his workaholic ways, and is father of the century!!!

    • “The Kids Are Alright: Letting Go of the Things That Keep You From Fucking Around”
      LOL!!!!

      Talk about gallows humour. Man.

  • I was redoing a whole house for the two of us. He left with several thousand dollars of my money in his business account, which was gone by D-Day (8 weeks, give or take).

    “Win Back a Cheater’s ‘Love’ and Lose Yourself”

  • Rumblekitty……….you have me cracking up!!!!!!!!!

    Awesome! Just awesome. I love when I log on and get a few good laughs!!!!!

  • I’m a lumberjack song ( chainsawman)

    How to cook Swedish meatballs book

    iPhone for Dummies

    iPhone for dummies Audio( because she still wound end understand it)

    How to spend more than 15% of the year with your sons book

    Living with older men, how to handle when they’re 64!

    How to stop your nose growing when telling lies. ( I see a cartoon!!!!)

    • Baci, the funny thing about Pinocchio is that recently I’ve been thinking that throughout our marriage, I was the little voice of Jiminy Cricket. Now that he’s an ‘independant’ man (other than my money still supporting him), he seems to have entirely lost his moral compass and any insight he ever had regarding how his actions affect his children’s feelings about him.

      • They lose total focus on the children.
        They realise the mess they have created but have to focus on the new partner. It’s at such an expense in every way that they have to keep sacrificing everything to the new relationship until there’s nothing left to sacrifice.

        In my case she was always talking about her nose and having plastic surgery and now I know why. Careful people if you tell too many lies your nose will grow!!

        If you have older children they sort out their own boundaries etc and know who the committed parent is

  • It would be a coffe table book on bathroom selfies.

    Chapter 1
    How to crap on the crapper while sexting.

    Chapter 2
    how to take a selfie without the toilett in the background

    Chapter 3
    what to do with the shaved pubes? Save them for future hairline transplant or how to avoid clogging the toilett.

    Chapter 4
    Sexy poses for bathroom selfies, pouting provatively for women, blue stee look for men.

    Chapter 5
    Your glorious groin close up,. Tips on bathroom lighting.

    • My stbx repeatedly took crotch shots in the bathroom too, his member festooned in frilly ornamentation. The only thing more shocking to me was the realization of how common it is to chronic cheaters, who believe that what would be disgusting and juvenile if performed by ANYONE else (read: the reviled Anthony Weiner), their specialness somehow elevates the act into something sexy, silly or just plain comic genius!

      The capacity for seeing themselves as good guys while repeatedly making cavalier choices that devastate their families and inflict a lifetime of pain on the ones who loved and trusted them? I’ll never understand it. Therefore, I think the perfect cheater gift is a portrait that reflects his true self a la Dorian Gray.

      • My ex-wife is the queen of bathroom selfies. Even more pathetic were the losers who sent her bathroom selfies. At first I was disgusted but years later I find it hilarious.
        Cheaters are unoriginal, and so is their junk.

        • “Cheaters are unoriginal and so is their junk.” Lol and so true!!

        • No more reading CL responses on the commute home. I was killing myself laughing on the Skytrain, and I’m sure I must’ve looked certifiable.

          Just awesome. 🙂 🙂 🙂

            • Hey! Signs of life at a Skytrain station near me! Do I smell a chance for a meet-up and some swapped chump stories? 🙂

              • Unfortunately not. I’m in Calgary, where the 10-day cheaterfest known as Stampede is just starting.

      • I used to wonder why my STBX took so long in the bathroom. Constipation? Then I saw the texts (sent via Twitter as private messages–he’d forgotten to stop notifications–about the pictures he sent her, how “huge” he looked, etc. Then it dawned on me that he needed to spend that time to get ready, as it were. Also, I finally realized that the phone was being used for more than just Pandora–perhaps Rhapsody!

        Anyway, every time he goes in the bathroom, I have to stifle a laugh. And yes, he’s constipated, too. Has to take Metamucil, too.

        Perhaps that’s one gift: Metamucil, because he’s full of shit!

        • Metamucil!!! lmao. that is what i am going to give him as a christmas gift from the kids. hehe with a little note saying becuase you are so full of shit!!!

      • Festooned in frilly ornamentation! OMG, I laughed so hard that I couldn’t breathe for a moment. As for the rest, well put. I never found selfies as he hadn’t started his diet yet, but he was a proud contributor to the then trending G+ Nat’l Choke Day. Tasteful pics of women being choked. B & W. He has class, after all . . .

    • Mine does a nauseating blue steel/duck face combo. He’s turned into one preening Basic Bitch. You go, sexy! Lolz

      • PF…I am laughing so hard. The worse part is I can picture the ex doing this. In fact one time he forgot to take his phone into the toilet with him, it rang, and I remember him running out to get it with his undies on, and then running back to the toilet. My son said I hope he remembered to wipe.

    • PF on Dday I did found an email with gym bathroom selfies sent to the bitch. It was titled “so that you don’t miss me”.
      I want to throw up.

  • I invested part of a small inheritance in his side business which he was trying to get off the ground (for most of the marriage). I bought sexy lingerie, sex toys, paid for romantic get-aways, bought him porn for us to “share.” All of this because the need to have her license revoked MC told me I was not being “supportive enough” and I needed to “understand him and meet his needs.” Of course, once all the money was gone, so was he. No more fun and games and real life intruded once again.

    New RIC Titles:

    Enough About Me, Let’s Make It More About Me: Having a Successful Marriage With The Chronically Self-Absorbed

    That’s Not Lipstick! It’s Kool-Aid! and Other Adult Fairytales or How to Have a Successful Love Relationship With Your Pathologically Lying Spouse

    The Zombie Marriage – How to Rekindle the Love After a Betrayal

    It’s Not Me, You’re Just An Asshole – A Betrayed Spouse’s Guide to Recovery

  • When I found out about his affair through emails he had saved I printed out all the emails including her detailed account and made it into a spiral bound book (love working for a printer). I made a cover for it (love being a graphic designer!) entitled Memories by [their names] with exclusive forward by ME! I went through the book and highlighted moments that stood out and added my own comments. I printed out her picture to be an 8×10. I was going to frame it but it wasn’t worth the $1. I laid it all nicely on his desk eagerly waiting for him to see it when he got home from his business trip.

    Let me tell you I got the best gift back from him after he saw it. His face was priceless!!

      • brilliant!! Freeatlast

        I can see it as a best seller along with CL’s book.

    • OMG – that is the BEST! I work for a printer and it never occured to me to do that. Freeatlast you rock!

    • free,

      I wish I possessed your talent and creativity! You rock!

    • I did the same! 200 page book with emails, Skypechats, erotic poems, and pictures of 3 OW (the ugliest ones I could find) and also lots of highlights to the juiciest parts …I didn’t print it because I thought it would be a waste of money and paper (I don’t work at a printer) but I send it to him as a pdf….When he saw it, it was the only time he cried during this whole ordeal. His crying was of embarrassment because his cover had been blown…not of remorse, of course. Unfortunately, I wasnt so smart as to give the book a title but I did set it up as three chapters of his life. It was painful for me to make, but his crying was priceless…

      • He was probably wondering how on Earth you could be so cruel to cast him in such unflattering light! Woe!

      • You rock, too. Hard to deny what’s in print and all bound up. 200 pages…amazing.

  • Brownies/chocolate cake. Brownies/cake that are served a la The Help–full of shit! Followed with a book to the tune of “Take your shit and eat it” or “how to cook your shit in 30 minutes or less!” or something like that.

  • Yes, I cooked him delicious crab cake sandwiches for dinner, delicately seasoned with curry powder and Chile. He complimented me from making them and then proceeded to tell me he didn’t live me like a girlfriend anymore (after 6 years together). I suspected another woman but like a true chump believed him when he said there was no one else.

    The second and last conversation, right before I moved out and discovered he had lied and been cheating, I had weeded the backyard and spent 2 hours making a special greek-themed Easter dinner.

    So my book would be” from gourmet to take-out: the story of a narcissist who ate out another woman”

  • Well I never thought about buying any gifts for him. But he sure tried “apologising” or whatever to me almost one year later, by sending me a gift box of assorted flavored Olive Oils from a business trip he repeated that I went on one year previous with him. You see I had to surrender my olive oils at airport security because I forgot to put them in the check on luggage. I guess he thought he was being “Nice” to remind me of that bizarre trip we were on. Long story short…..he was so out of character on that trip it was scarey. His behavior was odd to say the least. Two months almost to the day after returning is when I found out about his creepy other life. My daughter was asked by him to find out if I had received the olive oils and did I like them. I never acknowledged them to him. They sit in a drawer. I think about regifting them or donating them to the food shelf. She also said that prior to him going on the trip he inquired if she thought it would be okay to invite me to go back there with him again and should he call and invite me. We haven’t spoken in months at that point. NC! She told him he was crazy for thinking that. Damn Right! He is crazy, demented and straight up out of his mind! I personally think the “gift” was his way of trying to inflict more pain on to me. Either that, or he is more delusional than we all ever thought. One sick puppy out of my life….Gifts…….OMG he rarely if ever gave me them over our 30 year relationship. And me….I was always buying him little things. Even if it was just his favorite nut mix or candy. I was always trying to surprise him with little things to say that I care. Never ever did I think about bribing that fucker back!

  • Back when we were in (false) R, the xH “had” to go to a school event. I decided to go with him, with the kids, something I wouldn’t normally do. OW showed up (I found out later they had planned on meeting up that evening) and xH ignored her, in front of me.

    I was so happy, the next day I got him the new version of the iPad he wanted.

    Which he then used (a few hours later) to message with OW. They talked about how wonderful the sex they had (when I was out taking the kids to school) was.

    Lovely.

    I got the iPad in the divorce.

    • That fucker. “They talked about how wonderful the sex they had (when I was out taking the kids to school) was.”

      I swear they do this shit because they are passive-aggressive cowards and it makes them feel super awesome to stick it to you by sticking it to their whores. It’s really a passive-aggressive, shitty thing to do.

      Ugh. Fuckers. Sooooooooooo glad to not be married to such a fucking coward any more.

  • New gift Idea..

    Redo all your wedding photos, but Photoshop the OM/OW into each photo lurking in the background.. or just replace yourself with the OM/OW depending on your mood that day.

    • I’ve thought about photoshopping him out of family pics around the house just to see if he’ll notice. He wasn’t present emotionally and mentally so why should he be physically right?

    • Redo all your wedding photos, but Photoshop the OM/OW into each photo lurking in the background..

      That’s so creepily fantastic! [shiver]

      Wow! Kinda for real, though.

  • Gift card to the STD clinic.

    Weight Loss, Working Out, and Standing on Your Own Two Feet: How to convince your wife that you only cheated to make her a better person.

    • OMG! THIS!

      Cheater actually said once, “See? Look at all the good things that happened because of this.” SMH. He really put the shit in bullshit.

      • Chump Princess, my ex said the same thing “Look at you, you’re getting out of the house, you lost weight, you bought new clothes, this has really helped you” Followed by a pity party for how it hurt him so much. What the flying fuck? Yeah I lost weight, I was a bone, I wasn’t fat to begin with. Yeah I bought clothes because mine were falling off of me. What an asshole.

        • My STBX was offended because I basically ignored his comments/compliments regarding the weight loss and how great I looked.

        • Yeah, mine was telling me that I’d finally get to do all the things I always wanted to do. See, he wasn’t doing anything unkind, he really had my best interests at heart!

          • My stbxh said I should be happy because I could finally do the things I wanted. Yay me. And when he complimented me and I didn’t answer back was offended. Play nice good chump while I get patted on the head. Wtf.

  • My husband and I split up last October, but I didn’t know for certain that there was another woman until January. During November and December I was playing the pick me dance but I allowed myself to believe there was no other woman (in my heart I think I knew).

    I bought him household goods, cologne, food. He called me over for sex but then jumped right out of bed the second it was done and while I dressed he would ask me if I had any money. So I fucked him twice and paid for the “pleasure” of it, while he already had another woman. This was him wanting to see how far he could go simply for the thrill of it, and no thought at all to the fact that I gave up literally everything I had for him. Maybe he was even comparing us. I shudder to think.

    My book would be called: “The Internet Guide to finding Gullible Americans to Deplete their Life Savings and then Abandon their Fat Ass to go Live the American Dream.”

    Even now, almost nine months since d-day, I’ve come to that place where wanting him back is out of the question and I can envision my future without him, but still hard to believe he could simply turn and walk out of my life and not look back. Dealing with the pain and confusion of abandonment will be with me the longest, I think. If I could admit I was probably conned, I might begin to heal. I have to accept that he may never have cared for me at all.

    • “Even now, almost nine months since d-day, I’ve come to that place where wanting him back is out of the question and I can envision my future without him, but still hard to believe he could simply turn and walk out of my life and not look back. Dealing with the pain and confusion of abandonment will be with me the longest, I think. If I could admit I was probably conned, I might begin to heal. I have to accept that he may never have cared for me at all”.

      ML, you took the words right out of my mouth.

      • What heled me with the abandonment part was learning about how narcissists devalue and then discard people. Sometimes they discard a person while still technically living with them, as we have seen here many times; other times, they walk away into a new life, and still want to keep that hook in the abandoned person, in case there’s a need for him or her.

        • I agree, LovedaJackass, learning about how narcissists think would be in the same vein as admitting I was conned. I think that’s where I should focus now in my own healing process.

    • “but still hard to believe he could simply turn and walk out of my life and not look back. Dealing with the pain and confusion of abandonment will be with me the longest, I think.”

      I’m with you on that… it is 3 years now for me and still I wonder how somebody could do this… just leave without even a backwards glance to either me or our children. Don’t get me wrong I am truly happy in my life now but will never understand how somebody could do this. Hugs

      • same with me. i struggled with the “how could he simply turn and walk out of my life” and act like i was nothing and am nothing to him?

        my problem is the kids. they really miss him and want to see him. he says he wants to see them but shots down any suggestion i make. i dont want my kids to be around his MOW, i heard she was on meth, (that means he is too) she has 4 kids and she not only doesnt have them with her but she lives in a whole nother town and never sees them. in fact she has seen my kids more then her own. sick. he doesnt understand why i dont want the boys ariound her. thinks it is only because i am “jealous” she has him and i dont. i busted her lying to my kids so many times (in the past 3 months) and telling them things like “your dad and i love you so much” and “we wanted to see you yesterday but your mom didnt bring you” (not even his weekend.

        i tried every other weekend because that is what ever other divorced couple seems to be doing. he tells me, after not making any suggestions himself, that just because everyone else is doing it doesnt mean we have to do it that way. so i say, what do you want then. answer “i want to see my boys as much as possible” well you shouldnt have left and cheated on me then. huih

        i am still struggling on what is the best and the right thing to do.

        • MrsM, my ex sees the OWs kids all the time but mine if they are luck ever 6 months. I have suggested everything from having them every second weekend, to letting me know his roster and he can have them on his days off… huh are you kidding, that would interfere with the wonderfulness of his new life. Why would he want his kids around?? He fits them in when he has nothing better to do. My son doesn’t bother any more. My daughter still misses her dad.

  • I’d hate to be such a bragger but my ex didn’t get shit from me post DD. actually, I just gave him shit but that’s about it. I’m one of those fortunate people who in the last CL post’s fell into the category of kicking disordered cheater’s ass to the curb and never looking back. Prior to that I was the one buying him clothes, always making sure that he had clean laundry, nice Lacoste shirts, good shoes, etc. Post DD I gave a few nicer things away as a way to say “fuck you, let your OWs dress you and instill good taste in your stuck in the 80s taste.” Definitely not meh yet but surely not buying gifts either. It didn’t even cross my mind but that’s the beauty of refusing to dance the pick me dance. I guess DD was more of an eye opener and ultimate validation that it’s okay for me to hate him, since I’ve had that hate brewing in me for years anyway. So the discovery was simply what metaphorically broke the camel’s back. Yes, it was ugly and yes, it hurt like a motherfucker (still does), but at least I can proudly say that I’ve maintained my dignity.
    I did order a few books off Amazon about personality disorders and such and made a weak attempt to share some of the excerpts with him, but just like with every other piece of literature in the house, he just ignored it and pretended he didn’t have a problem. The best gift we can give ourselves and that is to lose a cheater, and gain a life.

    • Post DD I gave a few nicer things away as a way to say “fuck you, let your OWs dress you and instill good taste in your stuck in the 80s taste.”

      Hmmm. Giving away some of the nicer things (that I bought, or at least picked out). That just might happen…

    • Ha! I used to dress him, trim the offending ear hair, etc. He was known in our town (a friend told me one day) as the best dressed guy in town. No new clothes, shoes, etc, since D-day, and a bird could raise her chicks in those ears now. Hasn’t shopped since I met him. Not-so-hipster-now eh?

      • He took everything he cared about, his phone, computers and screens, left the state and our son over a month ago. Not one call to our son. NOT ONE. It turns out dress shirts aren’t very absorbent. It took several to clean in and around the toilet. Lucky for me I have a supply.

  • The last Christmas, him still living in the house, against my will was awful. He wanted us to buy presents for each other, hoovering I guess. I went to CVS and bought him a magic kit…I was hoping he’d disappear, didn’t work.

  • “Keep the Affair Partner Happy During Reconciliation: Updated with a bonus chapter on advanced gaslighting techniques for your spouse”

    “Wife Too Fat? The Cheaters Guide to Spousal Weight Loss”

    “How to Display Empathy During Reconciliation: Fool your Spouse in Five Easy Steps”

    • Dat,

      These are hilarious!!! LOLOLOLOL!!!! My favorite? “Wife Too Fat? The Cheaters Guide to Spousal Weight Loss.” Priceless

      • LOL! Along those lines….I lost a bunch of grief-weight after dday, and my ex tried to claim that I must have some kind of eating problem. As if I caused the weight loss on purpose. What an asshat. His cheating was the reason I was crying and puking in grief, while not having any appetite. Arrrgh!

  • Oo! Oo!

    “But It’s Just the Internet! Why getting online porn from other women is okay for him”

    Or

    “I’m Just Looking for Friends: Is that personal profile REALLY a problem?”

    Or

    “He Needs Other Women’s Numbers: Why you being street harassed hurts his self image.”

    XD this is fun…

    • Yeah, like someone else here posted, “Saying “I love you” online isn’t the same as saying it in person.”

  • The Cheater’s Guide to Communication: How to use Facebook, Apps, and Bat Phones to Keep Your Spouse in the Dark

  • I did not have to get a gifts for my cheater because he usually did that for me like he helpfully did so many other thing for like deciding which truths and facts I actually wanted to know . Tw o days after the first big Dday he announced he was going to treat himself to an expensive coat we couldn’t afford and he didn’t need at REI. He explained that he felt if he didn’t he would feel deprived and also he needed to do something nice for himself so he remembered that he was still a good person so he wasn’t overwhelmed by guilt — because this could trigger his cheating again and he knew I didn’t want that. So really he was doing it for me.

    • Carolyn,

      If this isn’t some of the most entitlement, fuckity-fucked up Cheaterspeak logic I’ve ever heard! What does this asshole do for a living? Ride around in a truck selling eternal youth pills and snake oil?! What a POS!!

    • Carolyn, my husband is so convinced he’s The Most Special that one Christmas we were flat broke and his mother sent him some money. Did he buy his daughters a gift with it? Did he buy me a gift with it? No. He bought himself an electric piano because he needed it for his soul.

    • Moving liquid, I hear you. Even now, my ex uses any money he has (and he makes a lot) or gifts he gets for him because he deserves it but doesn’t keep up with support or give the kids anything more than a $25 visa gift card he picked up at a convienence store for Christmas. I am glad your kids have you — they learn to deal and be resilient to this stuff even though it still hurts when they have a loving primary parent, Yes, CP, he is a snake oil salesman and sadly I was not only his biggest dupe but his wingman for a long time helping to convince others he was the good guy he appeared to be in public. And LaJ, hysterical.

      • Carolyn, they are all from ‘the same book… mine can’t possibly afford to pay half the money for his daughters braces but hey I will go on big holidays and build horse stables in my backyard!!!!!

  • A framed photo of me taken today showing how much healthier, more relaxed, saner, wiser and awesome than I ever have been. An infinite digital audio loop of me smugly chuckling will play from a speaker on the back.

    It will be wrapped in nothing because I don’t like wrapping presents. However, I will say it is wrapped beautifully because it is my turn to warp reality to suit my selfish whims.

    My narcissist cheating ex-wife and her narcissist cheating boyfriend will be urged to put the chuckling photo on their mantle and if on the rare occasion my kids or his kids visit they can laugh with me.

    • Chumpion: “my turn to warp reality.” Love it. My stbx completely lost it when I asked him to help me carry a bookcase in from the car (it had been there for weeks). “It’s the middle of the night!” he kept yelling. It was 9pm. His regular bedtime was 2am. I felt like I was in bizarro world. If only I’d known then what I’ve learned here.

  • My husband has one!

    “Horton Hears a Ho! And other stories of D-Day.”

  • I just think you give them the bill for the legal fees. You know, in a really nice envelope. Like you do.

  • While I was doing the pick me dance, I bought him lots of stuff- clothes, cologne, lots of expensive couples therapy. He left all sorts of crap at my house when he left- I gave away some of the nicer things before he picked up his shit. There was some satisfaction in that!

    Now, I’d just give him a box of Massengill with his photo on the box.

  • “It’s Not Me, It’s You: Blame Shifting 101”

    “Dance, Varmit! The Old West Guide to Getting Your Chump to Pick-Me Dance”

    “Gaslighting for Fun and Profit”

    “How to Win Cake and Influence Chumps”

    • FS-
      Dance, Varmit… Laughing so hard – all I want to do is take you out for a beer because this is the funniest thing I’ve read in forever!!!

      • Ah, thanks! If you’re in SoCal, I’d happily take you up on that.

  • If my ex husbands are checking me out via friends of friends they will see an unmistakably happy and healthy woman enjoying life to the max, a development they gave their all to prevent. I think it’s a great gift!

  • I gave my cheater an mandolin for Christmas because he’d always said he wanted one. He promptly took it to a party at OW’s house and played for her family at a party. Nice.

    RIC titles:

    Suddenly Sobbing Spouses
    Tips on discovering whether it’s a brain tumor or an affair

    Going Down With the Ship
    Lessons on standing for your marriage

    Solo Marriage Counseling for Dummies

    Spying on Your Spouse
    When you want to look, you probably should

    For Better of for Worse
    Tips on how bad it can get

  • Never bought him a single thing. He, however, paid my car off for me in the hopes that I would be nice in the divorce. I wasn’t.

    For book titles how about: “There are worse things than being alone”

    “The screwing I got while I was being screwed”

    “You and me and the Bitch makes three”

    “Everybody’s fault but my own”

    “How to play the Blame Game Cheater Style”

    • HAHAH Annie! You and me and the bitch makes three and Everybody’s fault but my own…

      Yup that sums it up!!

  • I gave him the gift that keeps on giving. I let him have his ho.

    • Word up, ugly, dumb and three young kids that are wild because she can’t parent outside of buying groceries from Whole Foods, thanks to the profitable business that I set up and had to relinquish in the divorce. She’s a serial cheater and homewrecker. Good luck with that.

    • Hahaha Chumpalicious! Me too – I set him free to ride off into the sunset with the skank. She makes him happy!

      What I know, but he doesn’t, is that she procured and disposed of her last two husbands in exactly the same way. Together, they are their very own karma bus.

  • I am still trying to wrap my brain around the suggestion of winning your cheater back by giving them Gift(s). Shall we make it a Holiday Celebration or Anniversary?!? “Here, Honey, let me wrap my Brokenness in this fabulous box, ooooh, and there’s a card too, so that you can be reminded of it daily…!”

    On a fun note, was reading the above posts of all the fantastic book ideas and thought of a few…
    * Betty Crocker’s Crock of Shit Slow Cooker Recipes
    * Cock-A-Doodle-Do-ing- anything that moves, and, part two, Cock-A-Doodle-Do-ing away with Dysfunction

    *Narcissistic Abuser – eau de cologne with notes of ego and skank
    * A copy of a new version of the movie, “Multiplicity” – Multiple Partners, Multiple Lies.

    Lastly, a Map to the Island of Infidelity with a sling shot so when his balls finally fall off he can shoot them off into the Sunset.

  • Ten Easy Ways to Get the Wife and Kids Outta the House so you can Pull Your Pud Looking at Porn…….
    Coping with Guilt: This has Nothing to do with you, so don’t take it Personal

    Using Technology to Baffle your Wife

    • Oh yes, mine never helped me with baby sleeping issues so I usually slept during the day. Chumpy me finally realized it was so he could wank to his favorite porn mistress.

  • I can say I didn’t give him one DAMN thing except grief. He on the other hand, gave me money. Lots of it. I’m not sure why. Guilt, I guess. I happily accepted it.

    • Oh, I did give him a permanent order of protection to keep his stupid perverted ass AWAY from me and he has very little time with the kids. :-):-):-):-):-)

  • I bought him the most expensive and exclusive bottle of whiskey I could find on a business trip to Scotland I made during our separation, a month before DDAY (I didnt know that there was an OW but I asked for a separation because he was acting so horribly, I couldnt take it anymore). During our first conversations after DDay, I made sure I drank as much of that whiskey as possible. I wasnt going to let the OW get any of it. The amazing thing is that it helped me think straight and I didnt get drunk…it tasted soooo good, and I don’t even like whiskey that much.

    A title:

    “The Infidelity Diet: How to Loose Weight Instantly without Even Trying”

    ‘I Just Wanted to Feel Like a Man’ and Other Stupid Shit Cheaters Say

    • How to Lie Like a trained CIA Agent

      Double Lives:How To Keep them Straight

      Fleecing Your Wife: Do it right and she’ll never know

      How to Explain to Your Children you are a Perverted Ashore

      Testicles: A Womans Guide on How to Wear them as Earrings

    • Yeah… but not really… he’ll never be free from his own karma and subconscious that knows all of the lies and pain he’s made in his life by being a selfish person.

      You on the other hand got the gift of freedom, even if it is terribly painful at this moment. I’m just reaching shore from several years lost at sea during a fake reconciliation, found out he’s started “talking” with another female co-worker. I still love who he was, and spend hours daily feeling awful because I miss my best friend (that he used to be), but can tell you that it does get easier and way better after some time passes and you start to focus on yourself and what you want to create for your own life without his lies. I’m so sorry that you’re going thru all of this, it’s ugly and so painful… but you are mighty and you will get to the other side. CL has totally helped me do a 180* shift, wishing you the same! Do special things for yourself often too, that helps a lot!

      • Not to be confused with the infamous “180 to get your cheater back”!! I meant a 180 degree shift in thinking, for my own benefit! 😉

  • “I found the ‘I’ in Team: A Narcissist’s Guide to Marrige”

    ( the word TEAM needs to be in block lettering. The open areas in the ‘A’ need to be shaded, so that the letter ‘I’ is found in the Middle of the A-hole.)

  • ” ‘She’s Not MY Mother’ and Other Truths to be Modeled to Your Children by Super Narcs”

  • Remember the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”?
    My version:
    “Women are from Venus, Men are from Uranus”

  • A camera, a camera! He had to have a better camera! I got a nice one as a present. Why couldn’t he have one too?? He would try to sneak it out to use it even though it was one of the only things that was supposed to be “mine.” He would ask if he could have it since I wasn’t using it. OBSESSED. Shortly before we divided the assets-“I’m ordering a camera, is that OK?” I said yes, because I was too beaten down to argue about it. Happy Birthday! It was $800 including the tripod. What did he need a full sized tripod for? The man is not a photographer. I have a pretty good idea-yuck! I also have a pretty good idea of what his new coffee table book would be titled, but I will spare you.

  • Book title: After the Affair, After That Affair, After That Other Affair…Which Affair Was That Again?

  • I read these posts and think about the movie “The Help” and the chocolate pie with that special ingredient that Minny gave Miss Hilly…

  • “How to Find Women Who Love too Much” – Cheater’s Guide to Cake

    “Sexless Marriage”: How to Create, Escape, and Justify in One Easy Step through Porn”

    “Spousal Parenting” – Nurturing your Narc’s Post-Adolescence Childhood

    “It’s Not a Problem If . . . ” 101 Psych Defenses against Other Peoples’ Reality

    “YOLO!” And other Barrier-Busters for the Happiness You Deserve Today

    “Standing” – Defy Your LIMITS! Personal Growth as an Extreme Sport

      • “Standing” – Defy Your LIMITS! Personal Growth as an Extreme Sport

        omg this is so funny standing in the very beginning did feel like this. love the humor.

  • Douchebags r Us – a book to fuck around on your wife because you can.

  • “Herpies…the Love Bug ”

    How about a t shirt that says “I love you…but I am not in love with you”.
    ( my stbx loved t-shirts with saying on them )

    Oh – and at Chtistmas run around telling everyone how they had better enjoy this family Christmas ’cause it’s the last one we ‘re gonna have ! With shark eyes and a weird grin on face . Ho ho ho.

    That year we did not exchange gifts. But we did stockings
    Here are some of the things I wish I could have put in his stocking:
    1. Lump of coal
    2. Xs condoms
    3. Mouthwash
    4. A dick warmer
    5. A roll of Tums
    6. SAA subscription
    7. QTips – seriously
    8. Axe – cause I think he ran out
    9. Glasses – really – you should see her!
    10. A heart

    • My Ex is into slogan shirts too, I so wish I had one a friend sent him from Alabama years ago.
      Imagine a front page title banner of a news paper.

      Banner heading ‘ CANCEL MY SUBSCRIPTION’ sub text, ‘because I am tired of your issues.

      I so wish I had that T-shirt now I would hand write STBX’s name above the picture.

    • I did give my husband a lump of coal in his stocking that first Christmas after DDay. My niece was there and my sister says that she really believes in Santa now.

      • I have actually found shirts that say “I used to be fucking stupid…but then we broke up.”

    • Ah, Axe!

      I work with college-age students, and we make jokes about the students who wear Axe.

      STBX started to use Old Spice. Lots of it. I wanted to tell him that nothing marked him as much as smelling as if he’d taken a bath in Old Spice did.

      Maybe another gift for STBX: a gift box of Old Spice.

      • What is it with AXE??! Mine did the same thing! New underwear, a gym membership and started wearing AXE body spray all in the same week! I should have known something bigger was up, but chumpy me had no clue, trusting as I was then, I thought he just wanted to feel better about himself for himself! Duh.

        • Ok, it’s gross, but it’s all an attempt to hide the skanky smells and stuff. Mine got a gym membership, and showered there. And showered when he got home. And before he went to “the gym.” All coated with a nice layer of body spray. He also hid deodorant and disposable toothbrushes in his car. And viagra. It’s so hard to think the way they do. A bang-mobile, of course! He was ready for any situation that came along. And he’s no college student.

          • Yes, well, that was our joke. One of the units is known for the number of males who wear Axe. During our big eco-sustainability push, when all units vie for saving the most energy, we joked that that one unit would always win because the men didn’t need to bathe–just wear more AXE. 😛

  • Deceptively Delicious-How to Get Your Trusting Spouse to Keep Swallowing Your Lies(or How to Make Shit Sandwiches Taste Like Fluffernutters). This might be more Mrs. Seinfeld can do!

  • OMG, these are the funniest posts yet! I am crying from laughing so much.

    New Instagram Filters for the cheater…………..
    Privates Appear larger than they Really Are
    Stomachs are Flatter than they really are

  • The best gift is the cheater they cheated with, how could they ever trust one another. Both players, now and they have to live in that state of mind. My x married her lover, our former family friend now fiend.

    • Ah yes. The OW conveniently forgets that a woman who marries a man who cheats on his wife has married a man who cheats on his wife. 😉

  • I Deserve To Be Happy: How to screw your family overnight.

    You’re my best friend: there’s no need to be jealous

    Don’t hate your cheating ex: ten easy ways to serve cake and pick me dancing

  • Batshit Crazy: How You Can Avoid This and “Stand” by Your Man/Woman

    Schmoopie:ten fin filled facts to prove out love is real.

  • I never bought things for my STBX as I pretty much new when I put him out our relationship was done. He on the other hand must have felt very neglected by my actions as he promptly bought himself a new car, and with held my child support in order to have enough money to do winery tours in another state with his brother one month.

    I can fully relate to the need to by new cloths, I remember putting on a pair of PJ pants I had taken to the hospital and thinking, F’Me what clown owns these. They were colored stripes and now so big I had to hold them up.

    Book Title –

    ‘COMPARTMENTALIZATION’
    A cake eaters spiritual guide to justification.

  • Mort Fertel sued me for 1.5 million dollars when I posted online about his contradictory return policy. I am not joking. Of course we know his guy is there to help us chumps any way he can.

    • Oh wow Chump Change… are you kidding??? I got sucked into his BS. He was the one that really kept me stuck for months!!!

    • Might this be a clue that he like kibbles? And his gift idea shows his deep insight into what narcissist cheaters need–gifts as ego chow? Note, I said “might” so this can’t be construed as defamation and therefore grounds for another suit, as I am trying to figure out why anyone would sue for 1.5 million over an internet post…

  • My book title would be ‘I’m Not Happy’. With a byline of ‘…and it’s all your fault…’

  • Makes me think of those MasterCard commercials. “There are some things money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s MasterCard.”

    GPS tracker – $250
    Divorce attorney – $225/hour
    Moving van – $800
    The look on his face when he realizes you moved out while he was at work: Priceless

      • It depends on the area. It varies, too. Mine’s more, but not much more, and she’s at the upper tier in local prices, but not as expensive as another attorney who has more overall experience (worked as an assistant prosecuter for years) but lacks the depth of family law experience.

    • Lining up ducks. LOL!!!! Great idea! Come on Chump Nation, you’ve got to have more of these.

  • Not “Just Married”: Rebuilding Your Single Life and Instilling Insanity in Your Spouse During Infidelity

  • “Yours, Mine and Ours–NO, IT’S ALL MINE!” – A cheaters guide to getting what you deserve in your divorce settlement .

    “To catch a Cheater” – how to avoid all the traps set by even the brightest chumps.

    “How to Justify Anything” – and let go of that guilty conscience.

    “Lie to Me”- How to get your spouse to believe your wildest stories.

    “A Cheater’s Guide to the Last Phone Booths in Canada” —a helpful map  for the traveller with a 7-11 calling card.

    “Gone with the Wind ” – how to leave your chump and family when the cake is gone.

    “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” – and other cozy getaways for your extramarital flings

    “Valley of the Dolls” – a fictional account of a cheating man’s quest for utopia.

    “Bury That Lying Witch in a Wardrobe” – a chump’s guide to revenge.

  • Book Title: When You Love Your Husband More Than Anything In The World…and So Does He!

      • There really is a very good book about narcissists called “When you love a man who loves himself.” by Keith Campbell, Ph.D.

        I used to say that we had a lot in common: I loved him and he loved him!

  • Book titles:

    My 15 y/o daughter (then 13), who discovered exH’s cheating, suggested these:
    The Perks of being a Cheater
    CheaterDog Millionare: A Cheater’s history explains why he cheated

    Here are mine:
    Cheater Entitlement: Don’t even try to understand it, I’m entitled and that’s that
    About a Cheater: The true colors of a Cheater and how to {NOT} cope with it
    One Flew Over the Cukoo’s Nest and into the arms of the OW

  • Book Titles:

    Banging Your Ho-Worker – How to pork your girl friend at work and not get fired

    How to Justify Anything in 5 Easy Steps

    Blaming Others – The Cheaters Guide to living guilt free

    Liar Liar Pants On Fire – Learn how to tell the most ridiculous lie with a straight face

  • Oh, how could I forgot the classic –

    I Know My Husband Loves me – because his girl friend told me so.

  • I’d give a cookbook once his penis is removed…

    The title is as follows:
    To Serve Man: 101 Ways to Cook, Bake, BBQ, and Fricassee Penis

    • Ewwww….I mean, I get the desire for revenge, but no way would I even think about eating that. Outside of the very disturbing imagery, we all know where it’s been!

      • Oh, I sure would not have ANY intention of actually consuming a penis. (Soooooo gross) but one would hope that the very title of the book would give him the heebeejeebies and make him wonder and worry that some way, some where, he was going to face the karma bus and have his wanker removed.

  • 12 Angry Mistresses

    The Knobgobbler

    2001 Skanks – An STD Odyssey

  • Hi all , great posts from one and all.

    My book selections
    iLYBIDLYAM ….but can we still be friends(with benefits)
    How to track down a skankywhore.

  • I gave my H a chance to take me to Hawaii as a good-bye present to ME! Buh Bye!

    • My daughter and I let my exH take us on a family trip to NYC, twice mind you. This, while I was planning our escape route! My daughter discovered his cheating, she was 13 at the time. She’s now 15 and just soaks it all up, you know, in the name of making it up to her and her two younger sisters. We’ve since divorced, but he still does this kind of stuff. Depending my daughters’ mood, they accept or reject. Priceless.

      • wtg – TodoVa, and your daughter too. Sorry she had to go through something like that at her age. Happened to me with my Dad. You never get over it. But, yeah, if you can get anything during the guilt phase, go for it. Of course, I learned this here at CL.

  • Loved all the book references. I’m not nearly as good as all you. But, here’s my stab:
    (wait – oops, it’s not a book title except the first line – Little Miss Muffet)

    Little Miss Venus
    Sat on her penis
    Eating her lover his whey
    Along came a spidey, that sat down beside her
    Crazy wife, who scared Ms Venus to pray

  • My list of book titles to give to cheater ex as field guides for his future marriages:

    The Art of Gaslighting
    Love Means Never Having to Stay Faithful
    Think and Grow Your Dick
    The 4-Hour Whore Week
    The Power of Positive Faking
    The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Cheaters
    Awaken the Giant Asshole Within
    The Science of A One-Sided Open Marriage

  • LOL Uniquelyme. I would just change one:
    Think how to Grow your Dick Bigger by selfies.

  • Uniqueleyme. You know, I almost hit the hyperlink on the one on your list of ‘7 Habits of Highly Effective Cheaters’. Doh me. But, I’d like to read those! Signed, what a chump I am.

  • The Art Of Covert Whoopie With Your Schmoopie, How to Keep Your Spouse In The Dark About Your Cheating

    How To Make A Big Impression With That New Lover….Advanced Photo Techniques To Enhance Your Genitals

    A Fist Full Of Viagra

    Return Of The King… How To Con Your Chump Into Taking You Back So You Can Have Some More Cake

  • I got more!

    “Video Game Vixens: You’ll Never Measure up, So Just Shut Up.”

    Including chapters such as:

    1) Their boobs will always be bigger: Getting used to the unnatural body

    2) They will always wear skimpier clothes: Perfectly in place and form-fitting
    -Side notes: Alternate costumes and how much more skin they show

    3) Cheats and Tricks: How he will manipulate the game to make her naked

    4) Posters: Yes, he IS masturbating to them and yes they ARE a threat
    -Sidenotes: There will never be anything you can do about it
    -You will age, but THEY never will!
    and

    5) Second Fiddle: You will always be so.

  • My cheating ex gave himself the present:
    He married the OW, who cheated on her own husband.

    Good thing he likes cake, ‘cuz here’s the icing:
    OWife got pregnant (by ex presumably) 2x (one miscarriage) before either divorce was finalized (and before OW had even filed).

    He got what he deserves.

  • This site is so educational, I have not gone to many other sites as I found CL and felt at home. I personally Praise God for Chump Nation,

    but so I understood what the issue was with this Mort person thought I would go check it out. Read his post on his FB page from June 26. Wow what a load! For anyone to actually say that a cheater who has pend a letter to such a person as himself indicates that the cheater has undeniably changed, and that the blockage to the restoration of the marriage is the inability of the cheated spouse to forgive and get past it. Makes me so angry. And I think my own minister has to be subscribing to this persons self professed gospel. Hallelujah for the clear thinking that leads to true restoration of the abused spouse so they can live a full life without the need to constantly look over their shoulder.

    Thanks of listening, rant over.

  • More book titles:

    Say Less: What to do if you talk too much about yourself
    Unsubscribe: a no-contact guide
    Not Just Enemies: Beyond Betrayal

  • When I realized he was cheating with a colleague, I kept my cool. I hated him already. I watched his routine, and timed it so he got a good dose of laxative an hour or so before he went out for a little tryst with honey. He came home about 3 hours later, clutching his abdomen and saying he was sick as a dog.

  • And one for the chumps

    “Weight Loss — How to Lose 135 pounds off Your Back”

    • More Resources

    Check out CL's Book

    Stay in Touch

    Facebook Twitter Youtube

    All rights reserved. Privacy Policy

    Copyright © 2012 – 2023 Chump Lady

    Website by Codeable.

    >
    %d bloggers like this: