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Confessions of a Better Sort of Cheater

Did anyone see “Confessions of a Suburban Cheating Mom” on HuffPo this week? It’s wasn’t the bodice ripper you’d imagine.

What I imagine a cheating suburban mom sounds like:

I put down the juice box, told Carly to watch an Elmo video, and furtively texted my lover. “What are you wearing, Handsome?” Me, I was wearing Hanna Anderson striped pullover, with a faint vomit stain. He didn’t reply. Probably because his controlling, sexually withholding wife had found our secret cell phone again. Bitch. I imagined our next rendezvous. Blow job in the Walmart parking lot. Or maybe, if he was feeling generous, a night at the Motel 8. Elmo droned on in the background. The sippy cup lifestyle wasn’t doing it for me. Some people get pedicures, I was having an affair, just a little “me time.”  

Nah, it wasn’t anything like that. Really dull article actually. No salacious particulars.

Instead, it was that brand of cheater narrative — the non-apology apology. Yes, cheating sucks… for OTHER people. But I’m not that Bad Sort of Cheater, I’m exceptional. I had a really good reason for cheating. Which makes me the Better Sort of Cheater.

She writes:

I don’t condone cheating. It is toxic to a marriage and a family, immoral and myopic.

And then goes on to justify exactly why she did it.

Her sad childhood (a father who cheated). She “wasn’t happy.” Two small kids. A “rote sex life.”

I’m sure none of you chumps can relate to that. You must live in a bubble of perfect contentment and sexual satisfaction. Your small children are never exhausting. Life never disappoints you. But for her, of course, it was different.

She was lonely, was ignoring her own needs. He was lackluster about his commitment to therapy… so the only natural consequence, of course, was an affair.

And because the writer is so VERY different, she never resorts to cliches like “it wasn’t planned” or  “I wasn’t looking for it.”

When I cheated on my husband, it wasn’t something I planned. I know that’s what they all say but it’s true. I certainly wasn’t looking for it. A friendship with another man grew into something that was not tawdry sex, but a renewed sense of happiness and hope. It evolved over time and wasn’t based in lust, but conversation, appreciation and understanding. Things I hadn’t really ever had from my husband. As I told my best friend to help explain it, sometimes you don’t realize you’re in an abyss until you begin to see daylight.

Oh shit. She says exactly that. Well, hey, affairs are “toxic” BUT they give a “renewed sense of happiness and hope.” Not only that, they’re the way out of an abyss!

I’m sure her affair partner also felt their hook-ups were about good conversation and not tawdry sex. All those married dating sites, those people are advertising their verbal abilities and empathy.

Sure, for some pervy MEN it’s about the sex, but not her. Remember, she’s in the Better Class of Cheater and it was all about authentic connection and appreciation.

Read: Her husband sucked and drove her to it. Had she been Sufficiently Appreciated, it would not have come to this.

She “doesn’t condone cheating” — it’s just the way of the abyss toward happy sunlight. Nope. Don’t take climbing out of dark pits as an endorsement.

She isn’t responsible at ALL! It was “inevitable” and “the only way it could’ve happened.”

Poor cheaters who have no agency. She “wasn’t aware of herself.” If she was, hey, she would’ve gotten divorced first.

Did I miss the apology to her ex-husband in there somewhere?

 

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  • Dead on once again. My hubby showed me that article a couple nights ago. Not all the usual stuff in it that we were expecting to read but I still rolled my eyes and said “bullshit.”

    “I don’t condone cheating. It is toxic to a marriage and a family, immoral and myopic.” That’s all you need to say lady. If you really don’t condone it you just leave it right at that. The moment you add on your justifications you become just like all the other selfish, immature cheaters that think nothing is wrong with their actions. If you really want to add more then what she adds is every way it destroyed your family, not trying to play for a sympathy card. She also didn’t sign her name. Go figure.

  • This reminds how there is such a streak of cowardice mixed in with the selfishness. My ex-wife took this same rationale. Having the decency and guts to tell your spouse that you don’t feel appreciated is understandable and part of being in a relationship at times.

    Taking the route of never voicing your displeasure and going off on your own nonsensical self-rationalizing path that does not require truly being responsible for it just stinks.

  • Yeah….it just happened. I guess she is in the camp that emotional cheating isn’t real cheating. All those choices to give emotional energy to the OM “just happened.” Nauseating dribble.

    But I kind of pity her. She is so blind to her own agency in all of this. It is sad that she doesn’t see all her choices. My guess is that it will happen again for her without this addressed.

    CL, you are right. No apology. If anything, the implication here is that he deserved it. Just sick.

  • I just read the article and she sure does a great job of justifying her cheating, doesn’t she? And my goodness she did TRY to make her marriage work! But it just “happened.”

    That’s the part that gets me, that it just happened. As if she didn’t have months or at least weeks or days of realizing she was developing feelings for this “male friend” of hers. Naturally she doesn’t mention if her male friend also has a spouse who’s life was no doubt ruined.

    It’s so easy for her to justify and compartmentalize her cheating to make herself appear sad and confused and get sympathy from Huff Post readers. Poor me I had to have an affair to realize how unhappy I was. Boo hoo.

    Why is it so fucking hard for cheaters to leave the marriage with some dignity BEFORE they have sex with someone else?

    • Why is it so fucking hard for cheaters to leave the marriage with some dignity BEFORE they have sex with someone else?

      Cuz they’re cowards. When things are hard for cowards, they don’t do what they should do. They do what the feeeel like doing at that very moment. Or, they run away.

      • This is absolutely true, Miss Sunshine. Now that I am far removed from the cheater ex, I could clearly see he was a coward in more than just his cheating ways. He always chose “flight” in any confrontation – be it with his family, friends or me. His default was: quick fix, whatever that entailed.

      • Because she’s the type that isn’t going to leave the comfort and security of somebody paying the bills until she has somebody else lined up to pay the bills.

        It’s a form of cake.

      • Now, come on, you know the answer to that!
        It is because they want the benefits of monogamy AND the exciting side dish fuck.
        And how do you get that? On an unlevel playing field, where you LIE and feign commitment and triangulate someone unsuspecting, in order to get this advantage.

    • Actually, she does mention his wife…
      “He didn’t reply. Probably because his controlling, sexually withholding wife had found our secret cell phone again. Bitch.” Wow. Just… wow. The off-the-charts scorn for the duped spouse is jaw dropping.
      And hello…? “secret cell phone”… “again”? Yeah, nothing premeditated about that. Or using the TV to camouflage the “furtive” activities.

      Makes me sick. Tracy, if you have any upcoming words of wisdom on how NOT to fall for such an asshole next time around, I’d love to read it. Because they never start out as assholes, it’s up to the chumped to suss it out before the damage is done.

      • That’s just me being snarky. She didn’t write that, I made it up. How I imagine “true confessions of a suburban housewife” should read.

        She did write the stuff I put in block quotes. Sorry if it wasn’t clearer.

        • My mistake! Thanks for the clarification. 🙂

          Would still be very interested in the “How NOT to fall for another asshole” post.

    • It always “just happens” doesn’t it? Can you imagine if our cheaters had put forth half as much time and energy into the marriage as they did into the affair? We would all be living our own personal fairytale right now! Lying, sneaking around and acting like a selfish asshole is a lot of work for the spouse who unilaterally decides to commit adultery. Hey, you had sex with someone that wasn’t your wife? No worries… it was all inevitable and bound to “just happen”.

      • As a woman that once felt attracted to a man who was not her partner i think i can say: bullshit!!!!!

        It is true that sometimes you expend more time with a friend of the sex that you find attractive, BUT there is a moment when you realize that your feelings are no only of friendship. And this is WAY BEFORE of even take each others hands.

        In my case i talked about the situation with my then boyfriend and he, like the husband of this POOR VICTIM (he didn’t tell her she was pretty!!! Who can survive that?!) didn’t pay me much attention so I ended my relationship. Never started anything with the other guy though. The time alone (only a week) make me realize that this other guy was flirting with a woman who already had a relationship (even if it was a difficult one) so he wasn’t what i wanted either.

        You can ALWAYS stop, and you can always file for divorce o end the relantionship. Her options weren’t “perfect marriage or cheating”, that’s just a lie. If she like to tell that lie to herself FINE. But don’t expect the rest to buy it.

      • “It always “just happens” doesn’t it? Can you imagine if our cheaters had put forth half as much time and energy into the marriage as they did into the affair?” I would always tell x if he would put forth as much effort as he did at work and like he did with his work “friends” on our marriage, we would be doing great. I was such a chump. Thinking back there hasn’t been a year in the last 10-12 years that he didn’t have a coworker “friend” (female, of course) that he wasn’t just “talking” to all the fing time. How on earth did I think that that was ok? It’s weird how you just start going along with their narrative. They break you down, cross boundaries and then they leave you wondering what the heck just happened.

    • :IT JUST HAPPENED:, well, the text messages that I do have of my soon to be x-husband’s show that it didn’t jus happen, there was effort and planning,; he texted her she responded and of course being the friend that she is signed off with XOXOXO! BULLSHIT I can’t wait to hear the lies, I’m sure they will come.

      • A single visit with his mistress involved my now-ex husband doctoring his Google calendar to create the false impression that his working days on a business trip were two days longer than actual; rebooking his flight to depart for home from a different airport than he flew into (which included a $75 change fee); buying a clandestine Amtrak ticket; and lying to me during several phone calls.

        “It just happened” my ass.

        • Had this too. Many times. The worst was the MOW flying into Chicago from LA and asshat telling me he had to “take the customer to dinner”. He was getting serviced at the Hilton- 15 minutes from our home.

      • Yeah….just happened my ass. Hard to sell when it turns out he had dating profiles on every site imaginable. It doesn’t “just happen” when you’ve advertising for fresh pussy.

        I’ve been in unsatisfying relationships, and the cure for it is called “breaking up” or “divorce with dignity”….

        These cheaters just wear me the hell out with their sob stories.

        • Ha Einstein that’s what I was going to say. He told then 16 year old daughter that sometimes these things just happen….didn’t tell her he’d been on at least 3 dating sites at the time….and what a complete miracle that he got her pregnant. Just happened, not sure how?!?!? But it’s all good, they’re married now, so it’s all completely respectable!

    • Why is it so fucking hard for cheaters to leave the marriage with some dignity BEFORE they have sex with someone else?

      Yep and even more to the point, I always think that if my idiot ex put half as much effort into his marriage that he did into chasing everything in a skirt, our marriage would have been sooo different.

  • Why don’t these cretins just stay under the rocks from which they slithered? They just give cheaters a new list of excuses and make chumps more homicidal. She didn’t plan it? What does that mean anyway? Drunk drivers don’t plan to kill people when they get behind the wheel, but when they do, that person is just as dead. (At least those fools get punished for ruining lives). As for the abyss? I’m sure her husband wishes the “light” that she saw was a match, and her abyss was full of gasoline.

    • >>As for the abyss? I’m sure her husband wishes the “light” that she saw was a match, and her abyss was full of gasoline.<<

      This is the best LOL moment I've had all day, and brother could I use it! Thanks, Disgusted!

  • I saw this article and thought of you, Chump Lady! So glad you put into words what we all were thinking while reading her drivel! All I could think was, “What an entitled bullshitting bitch!”
    Thanks once again!

    • The good news, from reading the comments under the article, is that they aren’t falling for her excuses. The overwhelming majority of commenters think she’s full of B.S.

      • I enjoyed a lot of the comments. 🙂

        Someone in her defense trotted ye ol’ justification for not judging the cheater, “Well, we don’t know what went on inside the marriage…” usually accompanied with all the reasons to blame the cheated on – maybe they never had sex, maybe he did ignore her, etc. If any of that is ever a reason, it’s a reason to END THE MARRIAGE, not cheat.

        Someone once said that to me (about a celebrity couple actually) when I said the cheater scumbag and his OW were cheater scumbags, and they said, “Oh well, we don’t know what went on inside the marriage” and I said, “So that makes it OK to bust up some little kid’s family?”

        • The problem with blaming the cheated because we were such lousy spouses, is that we weren’t lousy spouses by any stretch of the imagination. Now, calling us lousy spouses gets them pity points for otherwise egregious behavior, but it sure pisses the holy hell out of me. It’s insult heaped on unmitigated injury. It’s being thrown under the bus by that yahoo, yet again!!!

          • When I was younger and a bit more naive, I knew a couple where the husband was a huge misogynist. He was very conservative, and also a very Conservative Christian, who held that the Bible put men over women. He had boatloads of FOO issues. His wife cheated on him with the (married) VP of the bank for which she worked. I thought her cheating was wrong, but at the same time, I could see that it would be easy to cheat if you were married to a very controlling man who insisted that God made him the boss of you.

            They divorced after he discovered the affair.

            The trap I fell into was in thinking that the bad marriage made the affair understandable. Wrong!

            If you are in a bad marriage, if you know that your spouse isn’t interested in going to marriage counseling, in working on better communication, etc., then there is one and only one remedy: divorce.

            You can’t prop a marriage up by yourself. It’s a partnership. If you’re the one who is unhappy and if your spouse isn’t bothered enough by this fact to do what it takes to strengthen the relationship, then be honest enough to dissolve the marriage.

  • It made her a better “wife” for her chumpy husband, and most likely an awesome “mom” for her kids.

    I got the memo. Verbatim.

  • same drivil, different narcissist…Makes me see how challenging it is to write this blog!…it is analogous to being a music critic who has to critique the same song over and over and over and over and over…Thank God you are a talented writer!…also good that seeing the same lame excuses over and over and over is really good for getting to “meh”…Thanks for being there for Chump nation!

    • Good point. I appreciate CL’s willingness to face off against such a negative societal force that everyone seems to buy into one way or another. I know that when I think about cheating, it makes my head hurt because it’s like I’ve been banging it against a brick wall. It doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t understand why some people do it and why others condone it. And in this day and age, when people don’t have to get married, I really don’t get why these cheaters enter into monogamous relationships and then rail against them. Can’t your life be exciting with multiple sexual partners (if that’s what you want) WITHOUT entering into a committed relationship with someone who takes that commitment seriously?

      I know it’s all about control, a power play, the high of getting away with it, but… yeah, I don’t like or want any of those things, so again, head hitting brick wall.

      • Moving On…you are spot on…I know my STBXW got off on the manipulation, control, and high of getting away with it…No star crossed lovers just multiple and concurrent boyfriends for 4 years that I know of…could have cared less about me or our two children…My final hearing is today, so hopefully I will be narcissist free in a couple hours!

      • MovingOn, I think my ex likes having someone at home as his main squeeze and then likes to dip his dick into random vaginas here and there. He likes the thrill of chasing a girl and getting into her pants but generally wants the home life as well. He just neglects to tell his partner about this little area of his life. Hell, he’s got the final OW convinced he won’t cheat on her, despite him cheating on me with her and other women, all at the same time. Not kidding and she knows this happened. But now he’ll be faithful. Mwahahahaha.

  • Seriously? My god!! What about mere mortals like us who get lackluster disinterested sex for years and years, not to mention the constant rejection of zero physical intimacy – all because we are not interesting enough? And STILL manage to stay faithful? Stuck deep in an abyss knowing it is an abyss but seeking the sunlight of our partners love, recognition, appreciation, attention – damn it – ANYTHING to show we matter to our partners all the while consciously choosing to honor our vows despite numerous choices available?!?!? We just suck by this woman’s standards ….

    • Right?? I would venture to say that many chump’s marriages were miserable even before D-day, because the cheater was busy being a human trampoline and had no emotional or physical energy to spare on us. But we didn’t cheat. Why is the cheaters’ choice better?

      How dare this woman think she gets a free pass because she was unhappy in her marriage? What the fuck does that have to do with whether you broke your vows? I would just once like to see an article written by someone that says: “Yeah I cheated. I was wrong. I failed. I shouldn’t have done that, and I accept that.” With no rationalization or excuses about FOO or unhappy marriages. Just yeah, I fucked up.

      • When I told the then-cheaterhusband that I was in the same marriage and that I didn’t think it was perfect either, he was genuinely shocked. I think his impression was that I was loving life with him, and he was the only one who felt unfulfilled. I’m sure it never dawned on him that he was less than perfect. He was not a great lover, could be a temperamental brat, did not pitch in around the house and with the kids like he could have to help me out, etc. No, he was awesome, and I was lame, so he had to cheat.

        • MovingOn. how right you are my STBX was shocked that I didn’t feel like he would be there for me if anything happend to me. COuld not believe I would think that about him. I was jsut as shocked he was so shocked! He was loving life becasue he got to eat his cake and he was the perfect spouse!

        • Sounds a lot like what I had to say commenting on that HuffPo piece.

          Seems like there is a limited script for cheaters. We can recite the lines, and probably deliver them in a more believable fashion having been on the betrayed end of the event.

          Expert breakdown above. She sounds like my ex-wife, who tried to convince me that she just fell in love, then accidentally fell on his penis, several times, and now realizes it was a mistake to marry.

          Oh, the fog is strong with those who cheat.

          Same marriage, both likely miserable, one chooses to cheat, the other to honor his vows.

      • When I read that article I could see her point of view (NOT the cheating) about unresponsive husband who didn’t think he needed to do anything or that she was unfulfilled, upset etc. I lived that life for years and years. I had plenty of offers to have an affair. I even considered it very carefully cuz said husband had cheated on me with an ex-girlfriend.

        I knew the pain of finding out he cheated during our engagement and then gas lighted me the whole time and I was miserable. I only found out after we got married and we did reconcile. It was a one time thing, it was an ex who was fragile, it was never physical etc…

        I felt I was punished for finding out and demanding fidelity during the marriage cuz he certainly was NOT involved in out lives except for dumping me with loads of bills. I was unhappy, denied sex, still managed to have two kids ( for which we pro created once the in laws commented / asked if we were fertile at all) etc. everything she outlined n more happened and with each year the disrespect and snark from him only grew.

        I did try everything until I realized that I cannot single-handedly transform my marriage. I considered all options including having an affair ( yes, that’s how I knew about Ashley Madison) and decided to be selfish n feel good that I am a good person n not lose sleep – so I filed for a divorce.

        I got all kinds of drama n snarky passive aggressive comments n then outright demands for money. I stuck with it and went ahead. I care for my kids alone, not much money or support BUT I do sleep at night. My kids are awesome n know right from wrong.

        So I know why she stayed – MOney, social status, and Cake. Plus she cheated n justified it which to me means everything she outlined as problems in her marriage becomes suspect right away. My ex to this day maintains he did everything for me n kids and I still walked away. So I call her bullshit for what it is….

    • And why do cheaters think they are just the best lovers ever? If there is a problem in the bedroom department, it’s certainly NOT anything they’re doing, they’re great!

      • Yes!!! We are the frigid passive ones, they are all sexperts. Uh, no. I haven’t had decent sex in years.

        Now that it’s Tuesday, I’m hoping to get some really good lovin’, hopefully really soon….

        • We could have sex 5 times a day and my X still would have complained that I withheld it from him. He, too, was “shocked” to learn tht my needs OFTEN went unfulfilled! He was a lousy, selfish lover, who I made excuses for for years because I so wanted to keep my family together. Same old, tired story. Don’t one of these assholes have an ounce of originality?

      • Hahaha! Had to chuckle a bit at this comment. My stbxh was introduced to kinky sex by the AP and he liked it, apparently. I told him that if he had ever expressed an interest in kinky I would have been happy to give it a try. I think he was shocked that he might not have been satisfying me sexually. When I pointed out that he wasn’t exactly swinging from the ceiling fan in the sex department…Whoo was he pissed! The look on his face was PRICELESS!

        • Yes me too, DDay and all I can say about him in the bedroom was that he was ” artless.” I’m not into props, costumes or anything, but how about some expression? Robotic it was.

          • Narcissists use other people’s bodies to masturbate. They are not connected emotionally, and they don’t care what you are experiencing because the only one in that bed is THEM. I don’t know about any of you, but 30 seconds of “hot, tawdry” sex just doesn’t do it for me. I guess it felt like I was having sex with a 15-year-old because I was – an emotionally equivalent one. It made my skin crawl.

            • Kudos, Disgusted, you nailed it (baaaad pun). I used that analogy in marital counselling to describe MY experience of sex with my porn-obsessed husband. You’d think that after watching so much porn for so many years, he would actually have some ability (if only “dramatic”). Sheesh. What a fucking waste –
              I absolutely yearn for someone to have an emotional connection with me – marriage to my POS isn’t completely over yet, though, and because I am not a free agent until the ink on the signatures is set, that may not come for quite some time. It will be that much sweeter when it does.
              Meantime I get such a lift from all of you – brave and mighty all.

    • “Stuck deep in an abyss knowing it is an abyss but seeking the sunlight of our partners love, recognition, appreciation, attention – damn it – ANYTHING to show we matter to our partners all the while consciously choosing to honor our vows despite numerous choices available?!?!?”

      This; times infinity! The line I got from my STBX was that he was leaving for a “fresh start” because he had made so many mistakes in our marriage (he suffered from PTSD and was seriously abusive) and he could not repair the damage and needed to “do it right this time”. I got told that despite the 20 plus years I spent co-dependently trying to make a horrible marriage work; that connecting with his high school GF on Facebook was a “ray of light in all his darkness”. Really?!?!? I also got the standard “We never meant for this to happen” and “You’d really like her”.

      The good news is that the further down the road to “Meh” I get the brighter my ray of light shines!

      • You know what “You’d really like her” actually means? It means she is as clueless as you were when he started love bombing you, it also means she is like you in some respects beyond that. I was amazed at the OW he was with, she looked like a very poor version of me. What drew him? The opposite of what drew him to me, she was weak and needy and he could play Knight. What I learned is that everything my ex sais he loved about me was exactly the same as everything that was wrong with me when he cheated. I think he believed he could become me, or take on my traits and when he could not he found someone he could pretend with AND he knew it was pretend, that is the reason he refused to divorce.

        • I don’t know what it is with “you’d really like her.” I got that one too. Basically, my ex went out and found a younger version of me; only “energetic and spontaneous” like I was when we met. Let’s see how energetic and spontaneous she is when she’s my age and raising two kids with an absentee father!

          I’m not in the habit of liking people who induce married men to cheat on their wives. She might have energy and spontaneity, but I have integrity and morals.

          • I got ‘you’d really like her’ and ‘in a year, when this blows over, we can all hang out’. hahahaha…not likely. And yes, final OW is young and ‘lots of fun’ and super perky. Kind of like I was when I was her age and was fresh out of uni with no worries or cares in the world.

            I will say, though, Hopeful Cynic, the OW didn’t induce your husband to cheat. She may have been available but he made that choice all on his own.

        • Wow! You nailed it, Datdamwuf. She’s an insecure woman with daddy issues. Now in my defense, I was 19 at the time; having just moved to the big city from an overprotective home. She on the other hand, is a 45 year old woman who in the months after separation and before she moved into her new home (just up the street from mine, but that’s another story) was spending the 1/2 time she did not have the kids with her parents and apparently was not “allowed” to sleep over at STBX’s apartment while she was staying under her father’s roof. So, in an nutshell, easy to control and manipulate. I know exactly how this story unfolds; he’s playing the Knight to the hilt and lovebombing like crazy right now, but soon will be slowly shutting her off from her family and isolating her. I’d almost feel sorry for her, except that she is a foolish, selfish woman who chose to blow up two marriages and the lives of five children to chase a fantasy, three months after reconnecting with Asshat on Facebook. I don’t have to waste my energy being angry at them; the karma bus is coming!

          • Yep Chumtastic, my ex hooked w a woman a year younger than I am chronologically but mentally she’s still in HS.

  • Ya gotta love the revisionist history, too. She NEVER got conversation, appreciation and understanding from her husband? So, when they were dating, he was a grunting, self-absorbed, ungrateful slug? And she married him anyway? Not buying it.

    • Me neither, Rally. They rewrite history to justify the unjustifiable. And most of the time, they are actually able to buy into their own crap.

  • I saw the title and decided to not bother but now that you have filled me in, I am just as angry as I would have been had I read it. Thank you!!
    What I always want to know when I hear someone justify their affair is, ” And how do you see this turning out to be ok, how do you get to the happy ending?”
    Did this one say it actually has helped her marriage? I love THAT line.
    My dad did have numerous affairs and complained bitterly to us kids that he never got enough sex from my mother. Ahhh yes the memories of those wonderful father daughter talks! and my mother with her head firmly buried in the sand refusing to question his disappearing acts and choosing to believe he was just “counseling” these women and she was paranoid to suspect him of cheating.

    I don’t know, call me old fashioned, a stick in the mud, holier than thou; but I would never be able to have sex with a man and then go home to my husband and kids pretending everything is family like usual. How do you live with yourself?

    If you are that unhappy you try to fix it, if that doesn’t work then you divorce, deal with the emotions and hurt and then after a couple of years start to date.

    My attitude is not all that virtuous, to be totally honest it is really selfish. The reason I have never contemplated an affair in any of my relationships is I like being respected and living guilt free, I like being the “good guy”. My brother had an affair. He justified it to me one night when he had too much to drink and I gave him my sage sisterly advice.

    I understand that your partner is not giving you what you need, she is a lousy house keeper, and I believe you when you say you never get sex, I can see you are unhappy. So leave. If you stay and get caught having the affair everything is automatically your fault. No one is going to want to hear how justified you are, you are automatically at fault for destroying your marriage. Right now you are the good guy, working hard to support your family, pillar of the community, a great dad, well liked by all your friends. The minute you are discovered having an affair all that is forgotten and the only thing people remember is you had an affair and destroyed your marriage. Whatever she did to contribute to it pales in comparison.

    I have had men try to convince me into an affair and I tell them the truth, if they put 1/2 as much effort into their marriage as they are putting into trying to get me into bed they might be pleasantly surprised by the reaction of their wife. Every single one of them stayed for the kids, I call bull shit!! and because he didn’t want to split everything he had worked so hard for (like she did fuck all for all those years) and they hadn’t had sex in years! yeah ok. When was the last time you came home and showered, shaved and got dressed up and took her on a date. Or when was the last time her husband got a note in his lunch bag saying to meet her at the Motel 6 for lunch.

    People always say they aren’t hurting any one, says who? how can you say you are putting your all into a relationship when you just fucked someone else? when you are planning your next rendezvous? Yeah you are being the best parent you can be when you secretly text your lover, or daydream about screwing another man, or when you pawn the kids off on a sitter while you go for a screw, and when it all blows sky high how is mommy going to justify it to the kids?

    When I witnessed the neighbor lady stroking my dad behind my mom’s back as I was leaving after she invited the family over for dinner I really couldn’t think of anything that would justify it. When my brother walked in and caught my dad getting a blow job from the neighbor lady, and told me I wanted to puke. Of course my father could justify it and solved the dilemma but getting my teenaged brother drunk and swearing him to secrecy. Like I said………….those wonderful father/ child bonding times.

    Affairs are a no win, everyone gets hurt they not only destroys marriages they destroy souls and reputations, and your kids lose respect for you.

    I take pride in being better than that, I want to set an example of how to be a responsible adult.

    I will continue to take the high road thank you very much. My son respects women, could it be the way he was raised?

    • Absolutely, Lady wat. But here again, and I have to remind myself of this daily, these people are so shallow and disconnected, character disordered, whatever!?! that your logic goes right over them. You and I might reject their advances and BS based on our ethics, and give them the what-for, but they just move on to the next guy or gal, un-phased by our admonishments. I had this same discussion with my cheater. Waste of breath. They really do need a tattoo on their forehead to identify them to the naive.

      • You are correct in that they move on to the next person. Going through ex’s emails on dday I saw one where he had obviously been trying to groom some woman and she told him in no uncertain terms that he was a married man and should go take care of his family. What did he do? Move on to the next one he was grooming.

    • “I will continue to take the high road thank you very much. My son respects women, could it be the way he was raised”? Yes, you can tell a lot by the way a male is raised by their parents. In the week leading up to our wedding 37 years ago, my late MIL had me alone (she always made smart arse comments to me without anyone within ear shot, a bigger schemer you could not meet, now I know where me ex got it from). Anyhow, I distress .. she said to me “once you are married he can do what he likes to you and with you”. I was horrified and told my ex who confronted her. She said I was lying and he believed her. Guess what, her words did come back to haunt me because of how I was treated. One of many red flags I chose to ignore. Stupid me.

    • “The minute you are discovered having an affair all that is forgotten and the only thing people remember is you had an affair and destroyed your marriage.”

      Great post, ladywithatruck!

      In my case, his smear campaign was effective in convincing almost all mutual friends I was frigid, crazy, and lazy. Sure, I was some of those things some of the time, ha!, but the picture he created was amazing. His charisma and position in the community and at work, coupled with his image management, worked well for him but not so much for me. While I was paralyzed from the pain of finding out about his infidelities over most of our 20+ year marriage, he went about his magic.

      • I could have written your post ChattyCat. I was and still am somehow paralyzed. He…looks like doing his magic, his great act, his image management. And he is good. Sometimes he even makes me doubt…sob.

        • To me, this is probably the most invidious aspect of the whole chump experience: the fact that we learn to doubt our own experiences. Stay strong, ChattyCat and Gaby. “Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.”

  • Sounds exactly like my ex wife. I do not know how these people live with their self. I mean they have zero morals and are so full of them selves. I guess that’s how they do it though. They love their self and their own needs so much that morals and values do not matter. Family and anyone else be damned. They are going to satisfy themselves at any cost. They belong in Asylums.

  • I’ve already taught my daughter to never, ever (NEVER, EVER) have an affair with a married man or cheat on her own spouse.

    Re: First scenario: Affair with a married man: We are to be sisters to each other first. NEVER believe the (most likely) lies of a married man seeking even emotional companionship outside his marriage. By definition, cheaters are liars. Never hurt another woman like this. (His wife.) Especially if there’s children involved. Cheating parents may think they’re doing this in secret, but they’re not. It always seeps out somewhere. The children get hurt….very deeply….in so many ways. One of them: It sets the kids up to believe this is normal behavior. It increases the kids’ tolerance for this devasting-to-others (and oneself, actually) behavior. (The cheating wife in the article cites her cheating dad.)

    Re: Second scenario: Cheating on your own spouse: Do not be a coward. Do not do things out of order. If you’re not happy in your marriage, then get divorced first. Period. There’s a myriad of reasons why any marriage partner should do first things first, including there will be much less acrimony during the divorce, which is much better for the children’s sakes.

    This stuff is so no brainer. And I taught my daughter early and often, using the tabloids in the grocery store line as examples. Why more don’t is beyond me.

    We should have life skills classes that teach this stuff in school, since so many parents are such bad role models for their kids and our culture increasingly shrugs its shoulders at this devastating behavior.

    • Teaching my daughter the same. She has the contrast with what life is like when she is with her mother (the cheater) and then with me (the betrayed.)

      When she was 4 or 5 and this was happening, she was very astute, she said “Mommy is not herself.” Out of the mouths of babes.

      Now we are weeks away from her 16th birthday and she lives with me a majority of the time. Seems Disneyland isn’t always the best place to live. Rules, structure and boundaries are good for kids. Even teenagers seem to know this.

      I take an even more conservative approach to this. If you wait until you are married before you have sex, you can be 100% certain you are not intruding on another person’s marriage.

      We keep reading about how men have more affairs than women. Really? Are they having them with other men? Of course not! Men and women are statistically evenly represented in affairs. For every man having an affair, there is a woman in that affair too. Now she may not know he’s married, but she can always know if that man is her husband or not. (see rule above) The converse is true also.

      I plan to add one more thing to the pre-marital talk I have with both my daughter and her future husband. He becomes part of the family. The only way he’s out of the family is if he betrays her or dies. To me, betrayal is adultery, abuse, or addiction that is never treated.

      She’s always part of the family. If she cheats on him, HE’S still part of the family. If it’s awkward for her, that’s tough. She brought him into the family, I won’t kick him out just because she chose to betray her vows. I certainly wouldn’t make him come to Thanksgiving. But the invite, the cards, and so forth will be offered as long as he welcomes such gestures.

      Marriages need advocates. Standing by your child, just because she’s your child, and making things easy for her if she makes a mess of things isn’t helping her.

      A betrayed husband (or wife) just might need the re-assurance of the in-laws in that time of crisis.

      • I have had the support, encouragement and friendship of my ex’s family since dday, and it has helped, especially because I live far away from my own family. I think people who love and support like that are rare, and as someone who’s been on the receiving end of that kind of kindness, thank you for your generous perspective on how to support the betrayed spouse.

  • I hope her husband finds out, dumps her immediately, files for divorce, gets full custody of the kids and leaves her with nothing.

  • Amen, Ladywithatruck.

    I wrote mine, before yours was posted.

    Love: (paraphrasing that which you said): “If men put 1/2 the amount of effort into their marriages as they do having affairs, their marriages would be better.”

  • The last time I checked you get expelled for cheating on an EXAM. They don’t take any excuse: “I didn’t have time to study, I didn’t have the book, I was sick, I was afraid, I was whatever..” Nothing flies. You cheated. You fail.

    If we take that hard line stance against high school and college kids then shouldn’t we extend that to supposed adults?

    If your spouse is that horrible and you can’t communicate your unhappiness then get an attorney. What is so difficult to grasp about this? I just don’t understand …

    • LOL. You’re skimming over the “Sometimes you don’t realize you’re in an abyss until you begin to see daylight” bit.

      I put that passage through the universal bullshit translator (UBSX), and it spat out; “We had been married a while, and I was bored, and affairs are exciting! Do you remember how exciting a new relationship was? It’s like that. Except now I am going to say dating my spouse was never exciting because you might get the wrong impression”.

      The UBSX could be wrong, but somehow I doubt it.

      • UBSX is right on. Cheaters just have an addiction to the new relationship hormones. They’d rather get their fix than be responsible or invest in actually caring about someone.

      • Applying the UBSX to “in an abyss”: “in a relationship where someone has valid expectations of me that I prefer not to meet.”

        • LAJ,

          “in a relationship where someone has valid expectations of me that I prefer not to meet.” I am hitting the invisible LIKE button on that quote! That is one of the most succinct descriptions of the cheater “mind” (if by mind you mean a space in their head where a brain should be, but mush has been inserted instead) that I have ever heard.

      • Good translation, USBX. My husband of sixteen years dumped me this summer (for a woman half my age… nice touch) and he was kind enough to tell me he’d never loved me the way he thinks he should love the woman he’s married to. Sooo, I guess all those pictures where we’re laughing and cuddling and canoodling for the camera, he was just faking it. For sixteen years! Give that guy an Oscar!

    • Don’t you realize that you may not know you accidentally fell on a penis until after a minute or two of falling on that penis? It just happened. I just tripped and fell on his penis thirty six time.

  • It just happened? Really? I’m a single guy, reasonably decent looking with a long term full time job, a house and fairly sane… Yet this never happens to me. I don’t just randomly find strange women to sleep with. You have to work on an affair. I call complete BS on this.

    The human condition has such infinite capacity for good… And bad. People who can do that to somebody else deserves a special kind of hell.

    • Good point. Single people have to go out on dates and nuture connection with prospective mates in order for this sort of thing to happen with any regularity 🙂 I mean other than the odd New Years Eve one-night stand or — if you’re young — club hookups.

      Cheaters somehow seem to skip all of this if you take many at their word 🙂

      • Well beyond the club days. I often wonder how married people approach an affair. I swear I’ve been told I live in a bubble. I see a ring on a woman, it’s all respect and no flirting, she becomes a non sexual entity to me. To even flirt and suggest something with a married person is a scum move. Sometimes I think cheaters are another species.

        • And well, I still have a ring on my finger, so any man is off limits. 🙂

          In a couple of months, any married man will be off limits.

          Really, it isn’t so hard. I’ve had boundaries since I’ve been 15 and had teenager hormones. I happened to be a foreign exchange student, and my host family had a very dreamy son. Ah, those hormones! But I slammed them down right away because I knew it was a bad idea.

          Now I don’t even have to think about those boundaries because they’re automatic.

    • I know what you mean, Scoops. My ex also told me, “It just happened.” First of all, there are a lot of steps between, Hello Friend and sex. There is no way sex just happens.

      I also have had a lot of guy friends over the years, pre-divorce and since, when I was single and when I was married, and somehow, I’ve always managed to NOT have sex with them. Spontaneous sex never broke out. Even for romantic long-term partners – It’s not like I just ran into my BF one day and was like, “Hi there,” and he jumped my bones! A lot of dates, a lot of steps!

    • THAT is exactly what I said, Scoops, you have to work on an affair, send a text, respond, plan on the meeting, lie and more lies.

    • My husband and his OW both told me “it just happened!” I asked my husband if he was accusing her of raping him? Should we call the police? Get a rape kit?

      After I received a whiny self-justification from the OW, I told her that if she suddenly finds herself having sex with another man — it is rape and not the “true love” that they both professed it to be. I also told her that I thought that most women could tell the difference between rape and sex before they were in their 40s, but that perhaps she was a late bloomer.

      Needless to say, he stopped saying “It just happened!” to me. I haven’t had the occasion to speak to her again.

      • It just happened? Lol, my ex said they were just friends until I found out and then, wait for it, he said “you drive me into her arms”. Srsly, I’d have preferred the just happened BS.

  • We can thank the eliminating the alienation of affection laws in the early 1970s, for this metastasizing of adultery and its devastating ripple effects for children and therefore our world.

    It used to be there were financial consequences for someone committing adultery. No more. (Except in a handful of remaining states.)

    • There are lots of financial consequences for somebody committing adultery (have you read folks’ experiences here?). Still people cheat. I don’t know if it’s inability to anticipate consequences or just believing that they can get away with whatever they are doing because they’d rather not consider adverse consequences… for themselves or others.

      • But it does seem like too many of the financial consequences of adultery fall onto the chump.

        Some cheaters are hurt more than others financially. The OW/OM generally isn’t hurt financially.

        I”m not sure I would like alienation of affection laws. I go back and forth on that. It would be nice if some people would be deterred from sleeping with married people because they knew they might lose something themselves. They don’t care about the people they’re hurting, so maybe they need some kind of disincentive that would affect them.

        On the other hand, it seems sordid and how would you do it if you were staying with someone? What if there were multiple partners?

        Wouldn’t it be nice though if prostitutes had to give back the money your spouse spent? or if mistresses had to pay back money to your family for anything your spouse gave them?

      • financial consequences? In my case I lost half my shit, the cheater gained unearned money, this seems to happen to a lot of chumps. And trust me, I fought hard to keep my shit!

    • Well, I don’t know how I feel about the alienation of affection laws, but I do love that metaphor of metastasis. Cheating is a cancer of relationships, and 9 times out of 10 it’s terminal.

  • As expected, this supposedly “good” cheater used the don’t judge line. Cheaters warn against being judgemental, it’s their get out jail free card.

    Ironically, cheaters harshly judge the spouse their cheating on. It’s the same tap dance, “if my spouse was perfect I wouldn’t cheat”.

    Funny thing is, the losers they cheat with are no prize but who’s right.

    Seriously, why do cheaters sound like teenagers?

      • DefyingGravity

        I totally agree with you. Cheaters are all about believing they are the martyr, in order to be the “good” cheater they project their spouse as the villain. Cheating Martyrs don’t believe in divorce, so instead they cure their suffering by having sex on a Walmart parking lot with any douche or douchet that feeds their fragile ego,

    • Actually, the cheater in this article said we have the right to judge her. Which sounds weird when you write it like that, but it’s different from what most people say.

      There are a few commenters saying you shouldn’t judge her, but they all seem to be buying into the because we have judged her husband and he was terrible because well, she told us so.

      • Diana L

        Yeah…cheaters are good with discrediting their spouse , and many naive people buy into it, because she said so.

        Cheaters take the narrative hostage. It’s a cheater talent, the smoke and mirrors, shazam, abracadabra fog machine and strobe light show.

  • “I didn’t plan for this. It just happened.”

    Many cheaters apparently have no agency at all. Things just happen to them and they find themselves in affairs without ever having made a single decision or taking a single action toward that end. Morally speaking, this makes them spotless lambs.

    Poor dears. These victims need our love and understanding and support not our scorn.

    • Spotless lambs or just so f’ing awesome that others are just jumping at the chance to have sex with them….. Oh my, the hardships of being a cheater. Poor things must be afraid to walk out of their homes for “fear” of being jumped on to have sex, since it just happens.

  • This lady says:

    “I truly believe it was inevitable and the only way things could have happened.”

    Yeah, you were completely powerless over it, because otherwise you’d have to acknowledge your role in it. I always love the “it just happened”. I accidentally “luvvved” and/or fucked someone else.

    My marriage was a sexless, loveless desert because my STBXH was a serial cheater with prostitutes and god knows what else. I was achingly sad and lonely even before D-day. And all I did was try to fix it, not cheat. I primarily work with men, many of whom are attractive, close friends, and great people. I could have tried to fill the void in my life with any of them, but I didn’t and wouldn’t. My husband was a shitty husband, but all I did was try to be a better wife and improve the marriage.

    Doesn’t matter if your marriage was good or disastrous. If you want out, grow a pair and get out. Then find someone. Otherwise your just an asshole, plain and simple.

    • “I truly believe IT was inevitable and the only way things could have happened.”
      “I didn’t plan for this. IT just happened.”

      I always like this use of indefinite pronouns. What is “it”? An affair? Her decision to have an affair? Her feelings for the AP? Betraying, deceiving, lying, gaslighting? Blaming her spouse for her actions?

  • The OW (now Owife) in my situation could have written this. Gosh, her life in her nice, upscale suburb in a good school district with a husband who made six figures must have been SO disheartening. I mean, she got to be a SAHM or whatever the hell she wanted to be in a really nice home with her two children, a boy and a girl of course, while her husband traveled for his line of work and kept them in quite a comfortable living situation.

    But oh! THAT was likely the problem– he was TOO busy! He wasn’t giving her enough (fill in the blank), so her only recourse was to go on Ashley Madison to find a man just like her– a guy with a nice house in a cozy, safe suburb with excellent schools who had the image-perfect family of the wife and three kids but who was OPPRESSED by how staid and routine it all was. He also had no choice, of course. Neither of these dimwits could have asked their spouses for divorces. It’s a much better idea to dry and douse a fire with kerosene than it is with water. *eye roll*

    The irony of it all is– those two losers who felt so stifled by their suburban lifestyles are now living that EXACT SAME LIFESTYLE together. So not only did they not escape it, but they blew up their marriages and hurt five little children for what? For a fantasy life together that they will experience for a short while before life becomes dull and routine again? That’s the thing that always gets me about affairs– people think that they are a version of real life that they are missing out on; they don’t realize that they will come to know their APs more familiarly over time, the strange will no longer be strange, and life will become dirty socks on the floor and did you pay that bill? just like it was with their exes.

    • Life with become the same… only with people who have shit for character and won’t do the hard work.

      And that’s its own kind of karma, when these idiots marry each other.

    • Well said, Movingon.

      My w said she needed “more freedom”, yada, yada. I’m sure our life wasn’t “perfect” for her (I actually still have the temerity to think her life was pretty darn good). But I loved her and my son and did the absolute best I could. I planned to be with her always. But you know, one thing that gets overlooked is that our pre-D-Day lives probably weren’t “perfect” for any of us chumps either.

      Our path is not to cheat on them, even though there just might kinda be things in OUR day to day married life that don’t have the same rosy tint they did when we first got married. Maybe I’m wrong, but I have a bit of a problem with the idea that it’s OK to simply ditch your spouse just because after a number of years you realize they don’t have the wit of Jerry Seinfeld, the looks of Jennifer Aniston, the badassery of James Bond, the kindness of Mother Teresa, and the spending power of Donald Trump. And, it just isn’t fair to these poor cheaters that they’re stuck with someone who doesn’t have all these things in one package!

      For sure, if you’re this kind of glass half empty person who is perpetually unhappy with what they don’t have, far better to own up and get a divorce. But I do sometimes question why all these people are so damned miserably unhappy with the reality of their day to day lives. Good lord, if you have a family that loves you and you are all reasonably healthy, you have life 99% beat.

      • Chumpguy, that was beautifully said. I was thinking to myself what a lovely catch you’d make for some chump. Then I thought, hmmm, is there a dating website for chumps!? Should there be? I dunno.

        • I’ve thought that too… A ChumpLady “Leave a Cheater, Love a Chump” dating site. Stranger things have happened. What do you say CL?

      • I thinks it’s because they are miserably unhappy with themselves. They have no interior life, they can’t stand to be alone with their own thoughts, and if they were to stand still long enough to truly see themselves – they would realize just how fucked up and empty they are. So they project all their shitty character traits onto their spouse (you know, we chumps) and then blame us for their unhappiness.

      • Spot on – Moving On. My H had everything he wanted and we built. Life was perfect – until he thought he needed just a little ~more~ excitement. I have a hard time believing he didn’t think out the consequences of getting caught. He was a pretty smart guy. But, he planned them wrong.

        He thought I’d move out of our beautiful big home we built by pushing me out with his meanness. (God – I almost did!) And, bring the whorehole over and move into it.

        Well, he didn’t win – neither of them did. After OW divorced, she had to sell her nice suburban home and now lives in a skuzzy apartment building. Once I kicked him out in Jan, he’s been living in our skuzzy motorhome. HA!

        I am happily in my nice home, with my nice dogs, in my nice neighborhood (which greatly respects ME) and rather enjoying the nice summer at the coast. (oh, he’s in 100* weather and hates hot weather, poor boy.

        Sometimes I look around for a sign of karma and realize I don’t have to look very far.

        • I don’t think most of these narcissist-type cheaters are “unhappy” in the way that we understand it. We might be unhappy because we want kids and can’t have them, or someone we love is sick, or we’re having struggles at work, etc. And most of us know, or learn from our betrayal, that happiness is not something we stumble into or buy with money but rather something that comes from developing resilience, gratitude, and the ability to live in the present. I think for them “happiness” is about being in some state of excitement, and in particular, feeling superior to others. So of course we will never understand what prompts them to wound and destroy and discard people who love them. We aren’t wired that way.

          • Very true– that’s why I think my ex is being so hostile toward me. Perhaps the excitement phase has ended? Supposedly, he has everything he wants since he got rid of chumpy old me and now has the fabulous Owife. Gee, maybe life with her is REAL life and not sparkly, unicorn life anymore, so he’s pissed off and tries to use me as his punching bag?

            I just don’t think that he’s capable of being happy for more than a short burst. Then, it’s on to the next distraction– when we were first married, it was traveling and video games. As we got older and had kids, it was major house renovations and his hobby (both of which he sunk a lot of money into). Eventually, I apparently no longer sufficed as a distraction, and it was an affair.

            I’m so glad that I’m so easily pleased by very simple things in life– if I go out for a nice cup of coffee and have a new book to read in hand, life is great! 🙂

      • I still remember that, on a day which should have been one of the happiest/proudest days of our married life, my X began loudly criticizing me in front of a group of people. It was as if he couldn’t stand the wonderful moment we were sharing. I remember being so hurt and well, just stunned. I knew then he was an emotional cripple. Nothing I did was ever going to be good enough. Here I was thinking how wonderful our life together was and all he could see was what wasn’t “good enough.”

  • Thanks for the well needed chuckle…….
    I put down the juice box, told Carly to watch an Elmo video, and furtively texted my lover. “What are you wearing, Handsome?” Me, I was wearing Hanna Anderson striped pullover, with a faint vomit stain. He didn’t reply. Probably because his controlling, sexually withholding wife had found our secret cell phone again. Bitch. I imagined our next rendezvous. Blow job in the Walmart parking lot. Or maybe, if he was feeling generous, a night at the Motel 8. Elmo droned on in the background. The sippy cup lifestyle wasn’t doing it for me. Some people get pedicures, I was having an affair, just a little “me time.”

    I would love to hear you make a spin on my husbands confessions!

  • I’m always astounded at the justification based on a rote sex life. I’d tell our “Better Class of Cheater, “Look, honey, I am 100% certain that if you approached your spouse and said, ‘Snookums, I’ve this burning desire to be daring and different in our sex life. Rawrrrrrr!’ your spouse would not roll over and go back to sleep.”

    And if he did, the proper course of action is to divorce his ass, not have an affair.

    Similarly, if you’re the one trying to get the two of you into marriage counseling, then again, Red Flag time! The proper remedy is divorce, not affair.

    This is not hard to understand. Cheaters just want to preserve their reputations as “Good People,” not pond scum.

    • “I’m always astounded at the justification based on a rote sex life. I’d tell our “Better Class of Cheater, “Look, honey, I am 100% certain that if you approached your spouse and said, ‘Snookums, I’ve this burning desire to be daring and different in our sex life. Rawrrrrrr!’ your spouse would not roll over and go back to sleep.”

      And yet, that is exactly what happened. ‘Can’t we just have normal sex without all the weird stuff?’ after I used a few invitations from ‘101 Nights of Great Sex’ when I didn’t realize I was in a pick-me dance off but knew something wasn’t right. And then years later, in one of his rants, ‘Sex always has to be some holy, spiritual thing with you.’ And all I could say was, ‘It’s not like I was always hitting my knees beforehand and praying that maybe *this* time I would have an orgasm.”

  • I’ve said this before: cheaters are attention whores. They so much continual reinforcement that no other human can satisfy their need.

    • Cheaters are attention whores, but I’ll admit I love attention from a lover. A hug, acknowledgement on something nice, a spontaneous kiss etc….

      Why can’t that be enough for these cheaters? They need epic mind blowing deception that leads to Miley Cyrus riding the wrecking ball straight through their family life, for what? So they can feel uber special all the time? Hey who doesn’t like to be told they’re special? I think we all have a need for that at times, it’s the constant reaffirmation that they are the most awesome thing on the planet is the issue. Ugh, I’m ranting.

      • The funny thing is is that the cheater will never tell the chump that they are fantastic, wonderful, funny, awesome, beautiful…… If they are lacking this in their lives what the hell makes them think that the chumps aren’t lacking it in theirs. If the cheater had done ‘everything’ to make their relationships work wouldn’t they be saying to the chumps all these things and more. But that would entail the spotlight being away from them and that will not do!!! Fuckwits, I hope that they see that damn Karma bus right before it hits them. Because really we don’t have to see it to know that that is what they will get.

      • Attention whore …..exactly!
        From ALL sources. The spot light is on me me me me me. All the time.

        Mine found the ultimate kibble dispensing career path of becoming a Minister half way into our marriage. Now it really can be all eyes on him – all the time.

        And women love him in this role.
        It’s really the perfect narcssistic fantasy career if you are smart enough to pull it off.

        And the poor lamb – his wife left him and he’s getting divorced? Wel…..more kibbles please!

        MOW is exactly the same and guess what …. She’s a minister too.

        Yup – attention whore is my word of the day!

  • “I didn’t plan it. It just happened.”

    Does that rationale make the wrong committed less wrong somehow?

    How about a DUI? “I didn’t plan to kill that pedestrian. It just happened.” (Never mind that your choice to drink alcohol and get behind the wheel — your poor and selfish choices — had a profoundly negative effect on other people’s lives.)

    These cheaters have such a childish view of good/evil. In their minds, bad guys are the villains who plot and plan before committing nefarious acts. Think Lex Luthor or The Joker. But the truth is, most of the evil committed in the world comes from regular schmoes who are selfish and lazy. Morals take energy, and they can’t be bothered.

    /Rant.

    • “I didn’t intend to hurt you.” WTF? So because you lacked the emotional intelligence to figure out that fucking around on your wife of 27 years was going to destroy her/ your marriage/ your family’s security, you should not be held accountable for your actions? Beyond my comprehension. Truly.

  • Reminds me of my soon to be ex’s wife’s explaination.

    “It started innocent but then it built into something real. Just know that i was very unhappy with you so that made it okay for me to go to him”

    I wonder if he told his wife the same bullshit.

    • Fred, my ex husband went to Asia with a truck load of condoms and when he confessed to me that he had sex with a teenage prostitute, he did say “it is something that just happened”!! Now this girl could not speak English so I don’t know how she knew what he wanted. Oh yes, it must have been his erect penis with a condom on it that gave her an idea. My ex thinks I am an idiot. I was for staying 37 years.

      • At least he used a condom. Be thankful for that. She exposed me to all the risks. She claims it was only this one guy for 2.5 years but I found evidences that suggests there may have been 5 other guys she didn’t mention. i will guarantee she never used protection.

        • Fred, he still had to get tested upon arriving home because he kissed her!! He also exposed me to this unknown person by not using a condom with me and not telling me that he had kissed this tart and that he had to be tested. Can you image how I felt having to slink into the doctor’s office at 61 years of age to be tested myself and I have only ever been with my ex husband. It still brings me to my knees that he did this to me and my adult kids will not speak to me knowing full well what the father has done. He is a very well liked person. A brilliant actor!!

        • Condoms don’t protect against everything and a Thai prostitute is a pretty high-risk person to have sex with.

          What your wife did also stinks.

        • Patsy, he didn’t have to pay her. Apparently the hotel where he stays provides these girls (lady boys !!). All he had to do was buy ‘her’ dinner and drinks. Sickening isn’t it?

  • Love the way she calls his wife a “sexually withholding bitch” who keeps discovering their secret cell phone. Yep. She’s a bitch alright. How dare she get upset when she finds out her husband is cheating! She should blame herself and go away.

    • I’m going to edit this — I wrote that! I was making fun of what I thought a suburban housewife cheater sounds like. Her actual quotes, I put in quotes. But apparently cheaters are all so banal, made up absurdity sounds like the shit they say!

      • Laughing so hard that so many thought what you wrote was from the article, fact is she probably did tell the AP that shit…heh

      • I am quite sure that “sexually withholding bitch” has rolled out of the lips of many male cheaters and their APs in regard to the person they are betraying. Sure also that the chumped male spouse is asexual or impotent or not he-man enough. Or some such malarkey.

  • There is a new-ish fiction novel that came out called “Tempting Fate” by Jane Green about this very subject. She is SO superior to others who have affairs…suburban housewife. The book also has an ABSURDLY happy ending. I would love to have Tracey do a column on this book.

    • Ew, vomit. Yet again another piece of trash that justifies cheating. I wish I were a film director. I’d make a movie that shows cheating from the kids’ point of view. People don’t care that adults cheat on each other, but maybe it would make cheating seem a little less appealing if they saw the innocent kids crying, begging their parents to get back together, being forced to play nice with the AP, etc.

      The Descendants is the closest I’ve come to seeing something that showed the pain of an affair; I just watched Unfaithful since it’s no longer something that would trigger me, and even that showed a Chump sticking with his cheater (in an extreme, Dateline sort of way).

      • I think just showing real life cheaters having sex in parking lots and cheap motels with ordinary-looking people would do a lot to take out the glamour. Kind of like the anti-smoking ads with old, unhealthy people.

      • I’m with you MovingOn. Watching movies or TV, or reading anything with infidelity triggers me big time. Like I can’t even do it.

        The promos for that new cheating show “Satisfaction” are triggering me even just in the corner of my screen. I can hardly bear them.

        • 50 shades of grey. Asshat and MOW re-enacted all the bits.

          I learned this accidentally over the summer. I had never skimmed the book until this July. I’m not big into romance drivel. It doesn’t surprise me that they used it as a how-to guide. I guess they could have considered it literature as compared to their xhamster links. MOW isn’t high on then IQ scale. That book was poorly written.

          • ANC – couldn’t agree more on the 50 Shades book. Ugh – such horrible writing – childish. And, yet, everybody – well, every woman I ran into was reading it behind their kindles and giggling. Older women! Like me. Soo, out of curiosity bought the book and didn’t get past 85 pages. Hey – I gave it a chance. Now, they’re promoting the movie huge because of the supposed ‘kinky-ness’ of it. ooooo Kewl.

            The main reason it turned me off is I saw what went on the internet back in the MIRC days – everybody thought there was some great love life out there and on AOL and other chat sites.
            It’s all the same. Hey, lovely lady…ever heard of a dildo up your ass?
            You can hear it all – I’m sure many of you did.
            It’s till happening, I guess it aways will.

            For me -I prefer the murderous versions of life…ha
            I’d rather wait for the Gone Girl w/Ben Afflect and his wife playing despicable characters. Which, we all become when our marriages fall apart, right?

            • Aah, 50 shades of fucked.
              I skim-read that nonsense and was laughing at the patheticness of it.
              Basically teaches the lesson of ‘If your partner is a sociopathic prick but has money its great to stay with him/her!’ Not to mention the countless references to how much things cost, in that piece of shit called a ‘story’.

        • I can’t handle watching anything with infidelity in it, either. The days when that was just a complicating dramatic device are OVAH. Cuts too close now — it’s personal. I hear people at work talking about how great a show Scandal is and I can’t get out of there fast enough.

          • Practically everyone I know watches Scandal. I watched it a few times before the marriage completely blew up. Television/Hollywood usually depict the cheaters as “complicated” and “star-crossed” while the cheated upon are usually portrayed as these one or two dimensional characters (think Queen Grimhilde, the Wicked Queen in Snow White, or Fagin in Oliver Twist) who somehow “deserved” no better than to be cheated on because they were torturing one or both of the miserable lovers. Gag and Barf.

            You have to wonder at an industry and, on a larger scale, a society, that constantly attempts to justify the unjustifiable by creating stories/scenarios wherein the only happy outcome is for cheaters to finally “find true love” with each other. Cue the swooning friends and family and the sappy music. Projectile vomiting.

            One of the only movies where the cheater actually looked like the jerk that he was/is was Nora Ephron’s (God rest her magnificent, brilliant soul) “Heartburn,” because it was written from the perspective of the betrayed.

            • Good observation Chump Princess. That’s why I never watch tv anymore – yawn. I pick just really good movies to occupy my time. But, hell – when winter comes back, I’m back to the Zombie movies, what can I say?

              • In the thick of my H’s cheating – all he could watch over and over and over again was Mad Men episodes – from the beginning. I never ‘got’ mad men, I just knew it wasn’t my taste, even though I liked the era and costumes and history. For one season only. Don Draper, the beautiful movie star with a scotch – that’s what my husband thought he would be. Hey – isn’t that fun. I’m too sexy for myself….too sexy~so many women want me. I AM DON DRAPER! I’m sure he convinced himself of that.

              • I’m posting this here since I can’t reply to your post below for some reason. My ex TOTALLY got into Mad Men; we started watching that, and while we were still going through each season on Netflix, he started the A. He totally thought that he was Don Draper– in the life where he supposedly “has it all,” but it’s not enough. Of course his beautiful wife, Betty, is a bitch (guess that was my role), so he had to have a new mistress or two every season. I stopped watching at the beginning of season four because it was too triggery for me, but I hope that the ex kept watching. From what I’ve heard, Draper’s character went completely downhill, drinking and sleeping around more, etc. Of course, he wouldn’t take that as a lesson– he’d probably just think that would never happen to him.

              • My STBXH binge watched The Sopranos together a few years ago, way before big D-day, but after little D-days. I remember even then having minor panic attacks with the constant infidelity, having to leave the room. And asking for his reassurance that he would never do something like that. That’s what makes me want to puke most of all, that he would be kind and reassuring to me and then go out and do the exact same thing he had promised me he wouldn’t.

                Can’t watch anything with cheating still, which is a shame because some of these are pretty good shows with cheating as an element but not the main dish. Doesn’t matter, not worth risking the trigger.

                Out of this whole thing, I’m most angry about the PTSD elements.

      • Kramer vs Kramer (I think from the ’70’s) with Dustin Hoffman and Meryl is about a marriage breaking up and what it does to the kid that she leaves. It doesn’t mention an affair on the wife’s part – just that she ‘has to go find herself’. Yeah, right – and leaves for a year. It’s a classic on how son and father bonded.

        • Yeah – I’ve never liked cheating movies – ugh, Scandal – what a joke. But, one that comes to mind from the theaters that I just hated after I walked out and felt sick…was the one all the rave was – how much everybody LOVED THIS MOVIE.
          I didn’t get it – and many of these were women. My H even liked it! It was called “The English Patient’. I’ve hated that actress ever since, even tho I know she’s talented.

          • I hated that movie when it came out too! I couldn’t believe everyone who loved it so much. And this was years before my own DDay.

        • Is that the Confessions of a Marriage Counselor one? God, I loved that movie. The cheater pays BIG time for the affair, and the cheated upon spouse goes off and has a good life.

            • Not buying The Good Wife. He cheats, she cheats, they are both glorified. Yeah, her love interest is killed.

              Sorry, this series turns my stomach, like most with cheating main characters.

  • ChumpLady, I love your description of a suburban affair. Takes all the glamour out of it and show people a little reality.

    By the way, HuffPo has another article up on Why Women are choosing Affairs over Divorce. Apparently Trashley’s “Chief Science Officer” did a study! Any men ready to pay money to Trashley will be glad to know that women are just looking for sex with a new man. Amazing what science will prove, if you pay the scientist to do it for you.

    • If it wasn’t published first in a peer-reviewed journal, then chances are it isn’t Science: it’s advertising or propaganda of some sort.

  • She said it was “inevitable.” Inevitable is certain to happen, unavoidable. I am amazed how this excuse is used to justify cheating. While one is contemplating cheating, somewhere there should be the thought, “Hmm, I should probably divorce my husband before I have an affair.” Instead, the author wanted to make sure she had a lover before she let go of her husband. The same, old boring story of cake. Different cheater, same modus operandi. Well, the “inevitable” will probably happen again around year 5 of her next marriage.

    • lol, it’s most likely inevitable.

      Like… dying or getting so old you start to wonder if your pets will outlive you.

    • Maybe modern word usage confused her – it was literally inevitable = it was figuratively inevitable. My situation is unique = I’m one of many, etc.

  • She’ll never accept responsibility for her actions because that would require her to feel guilt and shame. It would mean taking responsibility for her circumstances and decisions. People like this (narc’s, in my lay person’s opinion) can’t tolerate this sort of self examination.

    Trying to get people like this to see sense is like trying to strip paint with your teeth.

    • Self-examination is just impossible for these folks. I don’t remember how many times I heard,”I SAID I was sorry. What more do you want?” As if a stilted apology was all that was needed, There was never any ability to look deeper, to try and examine his conduct. I told him he could never acknowledge the pain he had caused because then he would have to look at his own conduct, and that was something he was simply incapable of doing. Our MC told him I had PTSD from the trauma inflicted (highly publized “scandal” when he and OW were exposed). After that, he kept referring to me as “damaged”…yeah, I was, by HIM! Asshole.

  • Yeah I agree everything is just so egocentric about them their pain, their boredom blah blah excuses. They really don’t think about anything other than themselves. My experience is from my soon to be ex, one evening I call him around 5pm to let him know I am sick running a fever and he calls me back to see if I am ok. So there I was 8:30 with fever and two young kids to take care of and he comes waltzing in the house at 9pm after a days work.( his usual arrival time is 6:45) I right away suspect that he was up to no good. D- day was in march 2014 so I am on marriage police high alert. The next morning, I check his pocket to find a pharmacy receipt for condoms purchased exactly 14 minutes after he got out from work that same day. I go to the car searching for the box and find the empty box of condoms in his car. I gave him a chance to confess what he had done and he denied any wrong doing what so ever. Then that later turned into, well I did meet up with her but it was to break it off. Then that turned into well yeah I met up with her but I did not intent to do anything with her. After I told him that I knew about the condoms purchase that turned into well yeah I bought it but I did not go thru with it. In conclusion you cant believe anything a cheater says. I filed for divorce in June and have placed temp orders that were just agreed upon in august and he is out the house.(yay) I thank this website that helped me understand that this is what they do. I looked for the signs and he is a unremorseful cheater saying he is sorry but proving me with his actions that he is not. Next step is to finalize the divorce before the end of this year. I am on the road to meh slowly but surely.

    • itneverends – Good Grief! Can he throw any more into your face? This is disgusting, sorry. It’s lie after lie. I’m thinking we married these guys because their parents taught them not to lie. We ALL had similar morals, right? I lied when I was a child when I stole a piece of gum. My older sister stole more than that, a long licorice stick. We were both brought into the shop by our parents on our ears and made to confess. It was humiliating and we learned a huge lesson never to steal. That stays with me.

      Anyway, ITNends – I kept refusing to believe my husband lied to me on purpose. (yanno, maybe the affair just happened – lol) So, the first 1 to 10 times I forgave. Last night, I talked to him on the phone in 9 months – his voice got all velvety and in his calm manner said, (in so many words) I am going to get all the money I can out of this divorce. This man is not to be trusted and he’s obviously just after money. Most women don’t care about the money, just the family and relationship destroyed. But, since he wants to play the money game, and if your stbx does too, watch out for everything because they think they can outsmart you. Save ALL emails, especially since you have kids. How sad it comes down to this BS. I’m sorry.

    • Hahaha! Dat, sometimes your snarkiness is so funny! ROFLMAO. You have such a great sense of humor and wisdom.
      You know looking back I wish I’d have kept a list of my ex’s excuses. It is like they are reading from the same script. They are really something to laugh about. Our married sex was a riot because apparently sex with cheaters just gets worse over the years, it’s not like selfish can improve. And all that gaslighting and entitlement are certainly not conducive to a Chump experiencing real satisfaction. I felt neglected for years…and I wasn’t shy about it. Oh sex was fun at times but I think when the cheating is hot and heavy, then sex for us boring Chumps at home is unsatisfactory. Red flag, yes. And who says we can’t enjoy a little excitement every now and again. The media would have us believe the only people having great sex are those who cheat and the young 20 somethings. Growing older does not mean one can’t appreciate intimacy. It’s the biggest lie out there. I loved to have sex outdoors, you know in the middle of nowhere :), but my ex became more withholding and disconnected every year. I do think you have to have an idea of what makes a relationship work, Cheaters never quite “get” this while Chumps do all the work. For cheaters New, or different, or strange, is better. I think because they always measure themselves and come up short. Chumps just know we rock. For cheaters success is all about the surface things, it is kibbles. Don’t cheaters spend their lives masquerading as people they are not? It was interesting to see my ex’s take on why he stayed in a twenty year marriage he vehemently declared he was “unhappy” in -which probably coincided with the time he started visiting massage parlors :)-and then he was actually thrilled when women at work started propositioning him. Everything about our marriage and family was a joke to him. Me, our beautiful kids, our home, and life together. What was important to him was work and money and racquetball and doing what he wanted. What a life he must have led. In my family we say there are two kinds of people. Ping pong balls (you know at the mercy of waves tossing their little helpless selves along life’s unpredictable path) or sharks ( swimming with great attention and focus through the water and intentionally making clear choices). There is so much we don’t control in this world but we are responsible for what we bring to our relationships, all of them, whether with people we barely know, with those at work, close friends, or family. I don’t think cheaters ever understand this.

  • As usual, your post made total sense to me and helped me see the light.

    Sufficiently Appreciated. I could strangle those words. And when I look closely enough I see that they made an appearance in our marriage vows:

    “I promise to be your faithful partner, in sickness and in health, in good times and I bad, in joy and sorrow, unless if don’t feel Sufficiently Appreciated and in which case I become Entitled to (insert whatever is necessary at the time).”

    Pity I didn’t look close enough when those very faint warning bells started ringing before our wedding. And it’s also a pity that because I am always Sufficiently Appreciated (of course) that I am not Entitled to anything, even being upset at the systematic mockery of our wedding vows.

    What an idiot the writer of that article is. Mindfuck ++

  • I agree with the comments of CL but I have to wonder about some of the comments There are a lot of complaints about how awful affairs are for the children but as far as I can see a divorce for whatever reason is hard too. It’s easy to be sanctimonious and say people should get a divorce before they see someone else ( and I agree with that) but don’t talk as if that makes everything easy and perfect.

    Kids will still hurt whether the parents divorced because mom had an affair or because mom needed to find herself. If a woman (or man for that matter) wants a divorce for whatever reason the other spouse won’t necessarily make it easy or civilized.

    Not saying that an affair is therefore acceptable, just think that a divorce first doesn’t necessarily make things all sweetness and light

    • StuckInLimbo – you make a very good point. One of my best friends is an 88 yr old retired Superior Court judge from Redding, CA. He has a wonderful mind and is very wise. He said – simply – people are giving up too easily.
      That was curious to me, so I asked what he meant of course.
      His explanation was that – people are not thinking things through. They are emotional, especially after adultery but haven’t done any work to try and fix that before they harm so many relationships – his point was – not that he’s a MRI – but, that as people mature, they need to think more about their and their partners needs, especially as they get older, and what they have given for a long-term relationship that mine and my husbands took. It was work to get this far! I think in his own way he was saying, my husband – who he admired and was great friends with – REALLY FUCKED UP on this one. I mean, we’re all getting older – who is going to care more for us that us mates that loved them and have already nursed them through so many surgeries and whatnot. The 14 yr younger g/f he has is not thinking of all my H’s little hypocrondrias, which come up often in his old life. It’s too bad my Hasband gave up this judge friend whom we’ve know for 19 yrs…and his wife. Amazing how they give up so much for so little.

    • I think if it’s worth staying together for the sake of the kids, it’s worth getting counseling for their sake.

      As far as cheating goes, I think most of the time, kids will hurt more if the divorce is caused by cheating than for other reasons. First, because the divorce is pretty much guaranteed to be less friendly (and it is not fair to turn around to the betrayed spouse and tell them that it is suddenly up to them to be good for the kids’ sake). Second, because sooner or later the kid will know why their parents got a divorce. It will not make them respect the parent who cheated – or if it does, they may not be a great partner later on.

      The cheater who wrote the column about why she cheated doesn’t really have great justifications. I kept thinking, okay, your husband didn’t say goodbye, were you saying goodbye and standing there while he ignored you or were you waiting for him to say goodbye? Were you discussing his day and then he never asked about yours or were you both in some weird stale mate waiting for the other one to ask? It doesn’t sound like he was mad at her, just not paying attention to her and romantic.

      I guess my bottom line for the author of the HuffPo column is that if you had to have an affair to discover your marriage was so bad you need a divorce, maybe your marriage wasn’t that bad.

      Another thought about the HuffPo article – she complains because she was young and didn’t know how to pick a husband who was really compatible, she went for superficial things. Apparently she doesn’t see the irony here – he got a wife who didn’t value loyalty, fidelity, and honesty.

  • Yes, the sun coming up in the east and setting in the west is inevitable (barring any astronomical event) but cheating on your spouse really isn’t because that is a choice.

    Idiots.

  • This might not even be the appropriate forum but Oh my God am I psyched!!!!!!!!!!! I just found out that my cheater eventually wound up with his paramour!!! My eldest son just told me and I cried with joy. It is the most awesome gift ever that he wound up with another cheater!!!

    I was so bummed out because I thought he found someone of quality but that was obviously me projecting what a person of quality would wind up with. Tears of joy….Chumplady said it was not too late to wish that fate upon him and she was right!!! Tiny tears running down my face.

    • Cheaterssuck, Mine too. 🙂 now we can sit back and watch. I could have written the script once I discovered ex’s twu luv. She has married and divorced her last two MM. Has a degree in marriage and family counseling and works at her parent’s fitness club. So fired from both because shopping for your next (married) spouse interferes with ethical boundaries. Lol. Joke’s on them! Hey, but maybe it is a perfect fit. Two liars and cheaters finding true love. I wish them both well!

      • I’m so glad for you (sort of) Drew! It’s so sick that it made me so happy but it did. I had to wait until my son left before I actually rejoiced. I called my sister and all my friends.

        Even the neighborhood folks are happy for me.

        Does life get any better than this? I submit that it does not. Even if that means I’m not at meh, i am loving this all the way to heaven and back!!!

  • I am never, ever, ever , ever getting married again. There is just too much of this type of thinking out there.
    Maybe you know, CL: Where does the Huff Post keep finding people like this to write this garbage?
    Do they have some type of writing staff in the basement making this stuff up to piss folks off?

    • Arnold,
      I thought I was cynical, bur despite that, your comment about never getting married again made me feel sad. While marriage is not necessary for a good relationship and all that, please please don’t let the Cheater win by ruining even the slightest joy you may feel in the coming years. I too swore off marriage and am single. I miss the commitment of a marriage.

      However, I have been in a relationship wth another Chump who was hauled over the coals by his ex-wife (and still has not gone NC with her..she still abuses him by text).
      He swears he will never get married again. That too makes me sad.

      I have no particular anxiety about marrying or not, but when I ask myself honestly what is it I want, it would be the chance to at least discuss it prior to my “partner” simply stating his policy. My own policy has never been inquired about! Where I’m going on this is … Careful you don’t turn off a potentially very good partner by being absolute in your declararions. I know, when a man says he will never marry, listen to him, and don’t think magically. But the possibility of romance has to be there for aome of us, even the faithful ones.

    • Arnold, I am a woman and I have never cheated. I have always tried not to increase the burden on him by wasting money (the kids sure do, because he can’t say ‘no’ to them), and even now I am not squirrelling money.
      I keep my values whatever he does.
      Most women are good people, Arnold, with a lot of love to give. Fix your picker, just like we have to fix ours over the bad men out there.

      • I have a really nice girlfriend. She was chumped as well.
        It is not volitional, but I just cannot find it within myself to ever want to be married again.
        Financially, we lose fairly big bucks in social security benefits if we were to marry, as our individual be benefits total way more than we would receive as a married couple.
        But, even putting that aside, if I am committed to someone,having some piece of paper makes no difference .
        As we have all seen, being married legally does nothing to prevent cheating.
        If things do not work out with my girlfriend, this is my last attempt at romance. I am old and the sex drive is very diminished. If offered to have sex vs play golf, I am drawn to golf, as my ability in that realm is still strong.
        Getting old a d Losing sexual desire and ability is natural.
        When I was you get, I would never have believed that a future with no sex or limited sex would be anything but a nightmare. But, since it seems desire mirrors ability, it is not too bad.
        One thing that really bothers me is that when I was young and ever ready for sex, my first wife consistently refused any type of physical relationship.
        I lived like a monk in my thirties ,while she, apparently, was having tons of sex with strangers she would meet in bars.
        I can never get that time or my youth/ability back.
        ED medication works but I have Terri le side effects, massive headaches that last days.
        Got 5 kids, so the prime directive has been fulfilled. But, I am a withered old prune now. Missed out on a lot, as my wife was my first partner. I looked damn good back then but, stupid, allowed my youth to be stolen.
        Urologist tells melts of guys are pushed over the edge I to ED by infidelity. Hard to tell if it is strictly age or a combo platter in my case.

        • Arnold, you sound like a really decent bloke. Life is not always fair for we decent folk. My ex loves golf which I always encouraged him to play but he has stopped playing now for the young girls over in Asia. I have heard that he is planning to retire there in the next few years. Every old fools dream!!! Enjoy your golf and life. It is a pity there aren’t more like you around. 🙂

          • Remarkably, Maree, life is pretty enjoyable at this stage. I think my ability to enjoy it so much is a combination of having no fear( Nothing can hurt me more than the infidelity, other than something bad happening to one of my kids. I fear nothing relative to myself and harm that might befall me, which is very freeing), having very low expectations of people, a commitment to myself and my own enjoyment of life vs always sacrificing for a wife, and the contrast between the peace in my life with no wife and the nightmare I went through with a NPD wife.
            I wish I had had a more active sex life when I was married, but , my wife’s refusals made that impossible. I could never please her. She would rage at me or ridicule me if I approached her romantically. What a fucking nut she was. Her reactions, I now realize. were those of a disordered mind.
            I work, travel, play a lot of good golf( many sub par rounds even in my dotage) and enjoy hanging out with my firnds, GF and kids, as well as my Ex in laws(which, as an added bonus, really pisses my XW off, I am told).
            But, damn, forgoing all that sex as a young man still bothers me a bit. What a waste.

            • Arnold, I don’t need an explanation but sex seems to be so important to males. You see my ex and I started out as young people together and I have only ever known him and I do not regret it one bit and he was never denied and we were very compatible in that regard but I know he wanted others and now he screws teenagers. I still shake my head in despair. Having said that, my sister and her husband started out as young people together also and they have only known each other and they have been married for 43 years. They haven’t had a perfect marriage but gosh they love and support each other very much. Due to health issues with both of them, their sex life is non-existent but they will stick together to the end because they are great mates and a team. My ex wasn’t my mate sadly and he wasn’t a team player. Don’t be bothered about what you think you missed out in the sex department because you can’t go back. You seem pretty switched on to me and you now have a good life, enjoy.

    • Arnold, HuffPo has bloggers and other writers BEGGING to be published. I don’t know how many people they have on staff, but I know they don’t pay bloggers. Sensational crap like this gets a lot of clicks which means more advertising dollars. With thousands of narcissist freaks out there they don’t have any problem finding garbage to publish.

    • Arnold I feel like you except even more extreme…I’m starting to casually date now and having an extremely difficult time with totally benign triggers. Like if someone I’ve dated a few times looks at his phone, or has to be away on business…I’ve even actually refused to date someone who has to travel a lot for work because I don’t think I can handle it.

      This all almost certainly means that I’m not ready yet, and I know that…I’m pretty much just practicing dating and not getting into anything even remotely serious. But I’m 35, and while I actually love being alone and having me time, I don’t want to be alone forever. I’m just not sure I can ever trust anyone to look at their phone again. And that’s an awful and impossible way to live. It’s been getting me really down lately.

  • Oh, coming from a home in which there was a divorce (my bio dad was a “walking nightmare” and Mom was lucky to escape from violent physical and mental abuse), I don’t believe all divorces are bad for children. There are some people who should never marry. Without our “father” in our lives my sister and I had the opportunity to grow up. We did not see the divorce as a bad thing and while we were poor we were safe. I think it’s when you have two people who care for one another, who share values and support each other’s growth, and who are committed to making it work that a marriage is what it should be. I was shocked when I recognized how many divorces in our small county were directly related to a spouse cheating. In seemingly solid long term marriages. My children would have benefitted more from an honest dissolution than what my ex did to us all. Basically walked out. On me, his kids, and all the financial obligations (college expenses, vehicles, mortgage, etc) we had together. Nothing says fuck you quite so well as scrambling for financial aid cause your dad has run off with another woman, having your family home foreclose when dad is well able to afford the payment, and then sending your kids a souvenir from Costa Rica because, hey, your dad is “in love for the first time in his life.” Give me a fucking break. I do however recognize we are better off. Without asshole in our lives we would never have got to authentic. If he continued to be a part of our daily lives, none of us would have been able to thrive. Sort of like living with those dementors of Harry Potter’s. Character? Ex simply doesn’t have that.

  • Totally agree Chump Lady! I find these kind of articles very annoying because they don’t offer anything.

    Perhaps we should get 6 year-old kids to start writing about how they were powerless and unable to resist eating a whole box of chocolate chip cookies. They would spew the same nonsense: I didn’t do it; they were just there on the counter; you never let me have anything; you didn’t say I couldn’t; you never want me to be happy; why are you so cruel).

    Personally, I would like to see more things written that include a bit of advice on ‘How I Put on My Big Girl Panties and Did What Was Right for My Family’.

    Maybe this is too black and white, but I see it like this. In a committed relationship we have 3 choices: 1) do nothing 2) try to improve 3) call it quits. There is no 4th option that says sleep with who ever you like because you are: bored, unhappy, sexually uninspired or deserve better.

    My ex told me that ‘well, she just got into bed with me and forced a situation’.

    A kiss can just happen. But getting naked with someone requires conscious choices — several conscious choices.

    I have been both a Chump and the OW (I had no clue). I was also faced with a choice where I could have been a cheater. I chose to do the right thing.

    I find cheaters boring.

  • Yet again, most comments (this time on Facebook, last article was on Disqus) are ripping her to shreds.
    Cheating isn’t regarded by the mainstream as the hip and happy thing these idiots think it is. My cheater pitifully claims how ostracised and vilified he is. No, you are dealing with your own CONSEQUENCES. I finally stopped keeping your secret, and people don’t think you are very admirable.
    Thank goodness the vast majority of people don’t cheat.

  • This is a woman who believes as long as she’s indirect, she’s a good person. I don’t condone cheating….except that I actually do because it made me happier. Cheating is wrong….except for my own affair, which again, rescued me from unhappiness. She wants you to hear the first sentence and conclude that represents all of her. However, she also can’t help but weave in how she really feels…but in an indirect way. That’s the key. As long as she’s just weaving and not loudly declaring, then her hope is that everyone won’t notice the contradiction of what she says and what she really means. Messages are just woven together to create a sophisticated type of cheater. Not one of those immoral types who pour toxic sludge over their marriage, but one who releases butterflies out of a dark pit.

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