Yeah, That’s Not An Apology

Narcissist Goldfish

I thought it would be appropriate to have a little primer on Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse. GINR is full of those weak-ass apologies that upon closer inspection don’t really convey “sorry” at all. If you’re a chump, you’ve probably put a lot of stock in weak-ass apologies. Maybe you even begged for a weak-ass apology, got one, and inferred great depths of humanity from it.

Today I’m going to give you a primer for decoding bullshit apologies, courtesy of the Universal Bullshit Translator. If you see any of these mindfucks in play, you don’t have a real apology — you have bullshit.

1.) This Isn’t The Real Me.

Don’t be fooled. Uh yeah. Yes it is. Con artists love to disavow their true lousy selves. They know you love the hologram, so they’re going to insist that the hologram is really them. Did I cheat on you? Well kinda sorta, but that wasn’t the REAL me! The real me loved you all along! In fact, I only cheated because I have such a deep fear of intimacy that I can’t really face how very deeply I love you. And I have toxic shame about that, so you’re going to need to do some bolstering here. Because the Real Me is someone who could never hurt you! Lying to you was a kindness, because I respect you so much! And who would you rather believe in? Some hurtful, lying asshole, or a person who LOVES you?

Shitty people do shitty things. That is who they ARE. It’s not a midlife crisis/affair fog/optical illusion — it’s a choice made with agency. Pickled in deep entitlement. You want to convince me that’s not the real you? Don’t be sorry — be different.

2.) It’s All About Me.

The biggest giveaway with bullshit apologies is that the “sorry” is about them — how they suffer. How this hurts them too. Hurts them more, really. How no one really understands their intrinsic self and how tragic that is. What a journey that selfhood has been, and really this Terrible, Unmentionable Thing they may have done was really all for the best! Because it has led to such personal growth!

Unmentioned? The people who were hurt. You’re just bit players in the narcissist’s epic narrative of selfhood.

3.) You have faults too!

Crap apologies are full of false equivalencies and straw man arguments. Well, I never said I was perfect. Uh, perfect wasn’t the standard here — basic decency was. Well, you’re not perfect either. In fact, the way you make coffee is positively criminal. That’s your cue to defend your position on flavored coffees. PUMPKIN SPICE IS A VALID COFFEE FLAVOR AND IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN DAMN COFFEE! Pumpkin spice is not a crime equivalent to betrayal. Getting you to go there and defend yourself and admit you have faults and aren’t perfect positions you nicely into the corner of We Both Brought Issues to the Marriage That Made Me Cheat.

4.) Pay no attention to me — SQUIRREL! 

Wackadoodles like to create drama that diverts attention from discovery of their malfeasance. Caught them cheating? Look for the Hail Mary play of suspected pregnancy, threatened job loss, or I’m Going to Flunk This Important Exam And It’s All Your Fault For Bringing Your Pain To My Attention.

The con is trying to ratchet your anxiety and concern and direct it elsewhere.

5.) Minimization.

Bullshit apologies are full of euphemisms and Orwellian spin. It wasn’t a decade of seeing hookers, it was an “indiscretion” (singular). It wasn’t a sustained, active double life, it was a “mistake” (singular). What’s not minimized, however, is your reaction. Too bad you can’t be the bigger person and forgive me for this trifle. God, you’re really overreacting. If you took offense (at this singular, trifling, irrelevant mistake), then I’m sorry (that you’re so unperceptive). 

Got a bullshit apology? Go no contact and trust that they suck. You’ve got better things to do than stick your head in the mindfuck blender.

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iWasaChump2
iWasaChump2
7 years ago

Always dislike it when people say “sorry *if* I *may* have offended…”

Fedupmomof2
Fedupmomof2
7 years ago
Reply to  iWasaChump2

My soon to be ex, apology was I’m sorry, followed with a “but” I wasn’t doing this or that…your right I was running our children here and there, keeping our home, cooking, being the involved parent that we had decided we wanted for our kids. He worked, I did everything else. Gave him the freedom to “fall in love” with the woman of his dreams, meet at parks, hotels, napa while I ran kids to little league games, and their all stargames….then tells kids he had to leave he couldn’t make mommy happy anymore….

blindersoff
blindersoff
7 years ago
Reply to  iWasaChump2

Amen. One commentator suggested Hilary apologize to them. Made me sick to my stomach.
Unless you have been through it you cannot understand.

Rebecca
Rebecca
7 years ago
Reply to  iWasaChump2

I think all the election talk is particularly difficult for chumps, even those who are long divorced.
It brings back so many nightmares about gaslighting, lying and mean, nasty behavior.
The candidate is irrelevant. It is all the constant chatter and commentary that is bringing back the nightmares.
The cheater looking at a white object and seriously saying it is black, even under oath, over and over again.
It disheartens me – what happened to integrity and honesty?

Ldodd60
Ldodd60
7 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Okay I am glad I am not the only one who feels this way. When people start attacking Hillary Clinton for abusing the women Bill had affairs with I make the same comment. If you are not a betrayed spouse or victim of a serial cheater you have no right to comment on her behavior. As a betrayed spouse I can, because she reacted the same way anyone who has been cheated on and lied to. If you were backed in the same corner with the same trickle truth she probably was you would come out swinging too. Her life as she knew it was threatened. So until you have been cheated on and unless your marriage is squeaky clean, STFU.

blindersoff
blindersoff
7 years ago
Reply to  Ldodd60

Amen. One commentator suggested Hilary apologize to them. Made me sick to my stomach.
Unless you have been through it you cannot understand.

Mujiana
Mujiana
7 years ago
Reply to  Ldodd60

I completely agree. There was a woman in my area who was called “bitter” after her husband left her for other woman. And i told people who badmouthing her, of course she is bitter, what would you expect? Her husband left her and now people defending and accepting the new couple , i would have been bitter too in her position.

Ashley
Ashley
7 years ago
Reply to  Ldodd60

I completely agree. I can attest to the fact I blamed the other woman in addition to my husband. Why? Because she KNEW he was married and did it anyway. I am sure she was told all sorts of stories about how mean I was blah blah blah but I didn’t care. She knew and did it anyway. Did I speak badly about her? Yup. Do I still if it comes up? Yup. I definitely have shifted the majority of the blame to exH since then but she was not some innocent person in the story so no I will not defend her.
When Guiliani called HRC stupid for not knowing for Bill was doing, I damn near lost my shit. I find it so difficult to watch as people who claim they love family and values promote Trump and revere in his cheating. It makes me sick to my stomach. I watched last night’s debate and called out items 1-5 on the above list as Trump was doing them. So proud of what I have learned from Chumplady and Chumpnation

Janus
Janus
7 years ago
Reply to  Ashley

Trump is vile, but has it occurred to you that Hillary is gay or bi and married Bill for power? And he married her to help him obtain power? She’s never struck me as a traumatized chump. Her denigration of a 12 year old female rape victim – and other women assaulted against their will by her husband – is ghoulish.

violet
violet
7 years ago
Reply to  Janus

Get your facts straight. She NEVER “denigrated a twelve year old rape victim.” She was a public defender, who had al legal responsibility to represent her client. She pled him guilty, the case never went to trial ,and she never said anything at all about it being the victim’s fault. There is a big, big difference in a lawyer doing her job than a man openly bragging about sexually assaulting numerous women. I don’t give a damn whether or not you like Hillary, but please spare me the venom directed to a female lawyer doing her job. As a mother of daughters, I am amazed that any woman can utilize Trump’s Pee Wee Herman defense, “I know you are, but what am I?” Talk about victim blaming!

TheMuse
TheMuse
7 years ago
Reply to  Janus

Not like a traumatized chump? “admitted the Lewinsky affair to her. That did not happen until Aug. 15, 1998, according to her memoir:

“He told me for the first time that the situation was much more serious than he had previously acknowledged. He now realized he would have to testify that there had been an inappropriate intimacy….. I could hardly breathe. Gulping for air, I started crying and yelling at him…I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Up until now I only thought that he’d been foolish for paying attention to the young woman and was convinced that he was being railroaded. I couldn’t believe he would do anything to endanger our marriage and our family. I was dumbfounded, heartbroken and outraged that I’d believed him at all.””

TheMuse
TheMuse
7 years ago
Reply to  Janus

I find it offensive that you speculate she must be gay or bi if her husband cheated on her. This implies he was justified in cheating “since she wasn’t interested in men.” Not only is there no historical evidence to back up this innuendo, but it is insulting to chumps.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Janus

Have you actually listened to the tape of Hill discussing the 41-year old rape case, Janus? Here is a link to the audio. If you want to discuss further, start a thread in the forum, and I will debate you as much as you’d like.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/fact-checker/wp/2016/05/19/did-clinton-laugh-about-a-rapists-light-sentence-and-attack-sexual-harassment-victims/

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Shechump, no, I wasn’t referring to Anita Hill. I was calling Hillary Clinton “Hill.” I am like fan-boy style calling her by a nickname. She stood up to the short-fingered orange vulgarian and told Assad & Putin to suck a dick. Meanwhile, Trump wishes Putin would let him be a Yanukovych. We don’t lock up or kill the losers here.

SheChump
SheChump
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

And, of course, lest us forget the French Foreign’ diplomat, ‘Strauss-Kahn’.

Just UGH.

That was the first thing that came to my mind when I heard of these locker-room talks.

SO SORRY! Totally NOT bringing up politics in this thread!!
Bowing – forgiveness.

SheChump
SheChump
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Ian – ‘Meanwhile, Trump wishes Putin would let him be a Yanukovych. We don’t lock up or kill the losers here.’

Ok, you are majorly cracking me up, Ian!
So, she’s The Hill now. Got it.

However, don’t let any of us forget what Clarence Thomas did to Anita Hill……yanno, as a side point. 😉

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

I am struck by how much of a mimic Hill can be. Her Bill impression is spot on, and in this audio, she sounds straight out of Arkansas. Dang, as if I could love her any more.

SheChump
SheChump
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

errr…sorry, but are you talking about Anita Hill?

ArmchairPsychology
ArmchairPsychology
7 years ago
Reply to  Janus

Chuckling on tape about the injustice of lie detector testing and the way the judge treated her differently as a woman is not equivalent to denigrating a victim.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/fact-checker/wp/2016/05/19/did-clinton-laugh-about-a-rapists-light-sentence-and-attack-sexual-harassment-victims/

I hope her marriage is all-for-show at this point. She certainly behaved like a chump, but I’d like to think she wisened up quickly.

ArmchairPsychology
ArmchairPsychology
7 years ago

*wizened

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
7 years ago
Reply to  Janus

This doesn’t belong here, Janus.

We can all agree that both Bill Clinton and Donald Trump have been unfaithful. The record is crystal clear on both of them.

Maligning a chump is not something we can all agree on. So, let’s just state that Hillary Clinton was the victim of infidelity and leave it there. The ways some of us sympathize with her and some of us don’t extend beyond the experience of infidelity to politics and just are not part of what this space is intended for.

Janus
Janus
7 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

My last comment on this will be that I am NOT concerned with Hillary’s treatment of any woman who had a consensual affair with Bill. Those women belong under the same karma bus with a certain UK ho who was using my suitcases. What I don’t condone is denigrating victims of rape or assault by Bill.

Janus
Janus
7 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

I’ve gone through dozens of comments so far and they are all political. But mine is the one targeted as not belonging here? Last I checked, the theme isn’t, “Stay with a cheater to gain a life.” Shutting down speech that isn’t simply an echo chamber is such a bizarre concept to me.

Pricklypear
Pricklypear
7 years ago
Reply to  Janus

Here we go….I think maybe this is why Chumplady doesn’t want politics and election shit to infect the column.

Renewed
Renewed
7 years ago
Reply to  Pricklypear

Exactly!

Renewed
Renewed
7 years ago
Reply to  Janus

This election cycle has enough cheater crap on both sides. So tired of the rhetoric!

Louisvilleflower
Louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  Ldodd60

Yes! This campaign needs to have trigger warnings for chumps. Donald and Rudi and Bill.

notsurewhat2do
notsurewhat2do
7 years ago

And Newt.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago

My cheater told me after the 3rd dday – “I know myself and I would of never, never done all those things if I would of loved you the way I was supposed to.”

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago

It’s easy for us to forget and assume the most common arrangement of genders of chumps and cheaters because the correlation is so strong, but it’s equally important that we don’t assume. This is a good reminder.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago

I believe Surechumpedalot is a male speaking about his cheating whore wife… I wonder if you should change your name to SirChumpedAlot?

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Peakyblinders

Love it Peaky!! “cheating whore wife”. So true! This “cheating whore wife” is an unadulterated family fucker and friends fucker (plural). My life has immediately improved after realizing I had agency all along.

She never sincerely apologized, nor will she ever. In retrospect, she has ALWAYS been like that.

She hasn’t even apologized to me or my 3 kids for this past year of her debaucherous behaviors (constantly driving kids drunk, parental alienation, fucking my kids baseball coach and emotional abuse to kids by saying “I hate you” or “I wish you would run away”. I shut her shit-show down hard! Some weeks back and I was awarded temp full custody. I’m going after permanent full custody. Still from her….crickets….no apologies.

This is one hardened disordered soul. All she is to me now is my “cheating whore EX-wife”

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago

What a piece of crap she is SureChumpedAlot! Isn’t that sad that we think so highly of people and don’t even realize what they are capable of? I don’t think until you’ve experienced it, can one really understand how fuc-ked up people truly are! These people are never sorry, and will never apologize! That would mean admitting who they really are! Glad you’re rid of the trash…. and on your way to MEH!

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Peakyblinders

Yup, trash pick up is every Tuesday Peaky.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
7 years ago

SCA – isn’t that a great day… when the X is reduced to who they really are in our minds? Mr. Sparkles was left speechless when I called him a pathological lying bi-sexual whore… and really, what is there to say after that. The truth is the truth.

Good luck with getting full custody. “One sane parent” is my daily mantra.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago

Yes, yes, yes, yes and yes!!

For all the chumps in the midst of taking your unwanted excruciating long walks through the short piers of hell, remember what ICanSeeThemehComing! said above….”isn’t that a great day… when the X is reduced to who they really are in our minds?”

Keep walking! Don’t stop! EVERY CHUMP will get there if you keep walking. Some before others but ALL will get there. And please remember that most of us “got there” without an apology. You just have to *believe*, *feel* and *live* the truth – make the truth clear and bright in your mind, heart and soul.

AaaahhhhMeh.n

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago

Yes. It hurts sometimes to know that so many other people still view him as “a great guy” but there is some relief in finally acknowledging to myself what a complete shit he is. Helps one move on. I am so glad your kids have you … and visa versa!

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Awww Dixie, thank you for your kindness. You ex is not only a shit, but an oblivious shit because he was overshadowing your loving and kind nature with his limerence for another wo/man.

So many people thought that Tom Jones was also “a great guy”. In the end, the disordered true colors will always bleed, always. Unfortunately not everyone has the keen eye to notice.

saw
saw
7 years ago

Sure, I just got a flashback from a married whore that made me sick for her husband. He was honest and hard working. He did so much for her pleasure. She cheated on him constantly. Once, she tried to use me to let her go have a good time at the group horse back ride. I realized what was happening and loaded the horses, moved horses out of my way and cranked my truck to leave. I told her to either come back with me now or find a ride home. After that, she got caught with her horse showing guy. Creepy!

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Peakyblinders

I like the name “SirChumpedAlot”. It does fit nicely! Meaning despite being chumped, the person is still remaining classy and with integrity.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Right?! I thought classy, manly

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Peakyblinders

and chivalrous… 🙂

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Peakyblinders

Yup and yop!

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Ok ladies, you have successfully got me to reconsider changing back to “Sirchumpedalot”. Hahaha

Your descriptions of changing the name with the name meanings of integrity, classy and manly is very convincing me……..but “chivalrous” put it over the top Peaky! Boy you ladies are good!

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Peakyblinders

I read it like Sir for a few weeks – with the camelot reference. Sure fits nicely as in – I have sure been chumped a lot. Maybe her confession highlights that no matter how sorry is said there is no explanation that offers reasons for their actions you can actually live with.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago

You are so right neverwouldhaveimagined. I originally did use the moniker “Sirchumpedalot” with the idea of a somewhat double entendre.

I agree with Kellia’s comments below as “Sir” sounds classy with integrity, but I changed it from “Sir” to “Sure” because “Sir” gave me a weird vibe of being above others or a position of authority. We are all equals here and it was important to me to convey that to all my chump friends.

SheChump
SheChump
7 years ago

SureChumped – ‘I changed it from “Sir” to “Sure” because “Sir” gave me a weird vibe of being above others or a position of authority. We are all equals here and it was important to me to convey that to all my chump friends.’

How sweet, Sure.
It’s interesting how folks pick their names. Since there is no way to identify genders here, I thought by indicating I was female, I decided to put that in my name. It’s really hard to distinguish males from female on many posts.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  SheChump

Agreed Shechump, but how the horror stories are so alike.

The cheater handbook colors are blue and pink.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago

What an asshole. If he didn’t love you the way he was supposed to, then why the heck did he propose to you, put a ring on it, and marry you, make vows? If you don’t truly love someone, then you don’t marry them. And he should have freed you up to be with a man who truly loved you, cherished you and valued you as the worthy person that you are. I hate it when unworthy men end up with great women. Go figure.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

LOL, I’m so sorry about that Surechumpedalot. I wasn’t able to guess from your post you were a guy. My statement would still apply and reverse genders when reading my post.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Hahahaha Kelia, you are too cute. You are correct, your statement would still apply regardless of gender. No apology needed from you!

I guess her words was a mix of a subtle blameshift with a dash of a covert-style apology. Of course her actions the years prior didn’t coincide with her statement, hence re-writing history.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago

Aww, thank you SureChumpedalot. And I hate it when unworthy women end up with great men! I feel better now having corrected the genders. :o)

Stephanie
Stephanie
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Kellia is a FIERCE defender of chumps! <3

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago

“I wont apologize for falling in love” – how is that for a non-apology? and I didn’t throw him out because I was a unicorn.

Other favorites were (after describing my pain in excruciating detail) he said “If one of our kids died, you wouldn’t do very well” – apparently me not doing well with soul crushing pain in yet another fault to add to the list.

In his most tender wreckonciliation moment I got “I shouldnt have done this to the mother of my children” (he failed to mention that “this” was a lifetime of betrayal.) I think I walked away from those encounters and went to go smoke more hopium.

Ginger
Ginger
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

I didn’t go to Vietnam- neither did he

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Oh, I just really hate your Ex. Is it okay I’m glad he’s gone? It is so horrible that he said those words to you. I am so thankful you are here even though I can never know the exact pain discovery after they’re gone brings. Your story reminds me that getting out is the right decision even though it hurts because the alternative is a lifetime of betrayal. They don’t change. I’m so glad you have this opportunity now to enjoy this cheater-free season in your life.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago

He’s probably not technically your Ex.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago

Yes, he is my “late” husband and our culture shares a groupthink assumption that deceased spouses must have been wonderful people. I probably come off as a cold shrew to people who don’t know me when I make references to his death and seem unaffected. In reality, I grieved deeply for years while he was alive.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

“If one of our kids died, you wouldn’t do very well” – apparently me not doing well with soul crushing pain in yet another fault to add to the list.
And this whole thread with other chumps interpretations has made my blood run cold. I think you guys are right about what this meant and it is simply terrifying. Sometimes I read stuff here and it is just too sickening to think these people walk among us, that we end up involved with them and we don’t know. Sorry but I found this just too upsetting. This is what I have found unbearable about the whole cheating thing with the traitor and the whore: the instrumentalisation of their child and his children.
Everyone, even their own children, are just pawns.
Under the surface, even if they haven’t actually done anything to the kids in some cases, they COULD and that’s enough to damn them IMO.
The whore is a geriatric nurse. I taped a phone call between her and the traitor where she accused her own 95 year old grandmother, who had broken her hip bone 6 months earlier, broken a bone in her foot 2 months before, had a fall and hurt her back a week earlier and was complaining a lot about pain, of “putting it on” because when she had visitors she cheered up and stopped moaning about her pains!!! Seriously! That tramp is a ghoul pure and simple, and I don’t even like the grandma myself but come on!

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

Sorry, posted before I was finished ranting. They can turn anyone into a tool or a toy for whatever they want to do, and target the weakest, young or old. Predators.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

He’s also mentally off for implying that he would be fine with and and that would make him superior. That’s chilling.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

I’m all the years since he said that, it never occurred to me that he was simultaneously (by his criticism) inferring that he would be fine if one of our kids died. I’m the moment it was probs the only thing he could think of that he knew I would consider “worse” so he threw it at me. How bizarre that never occurred to me

sara
sara
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

I didn’t think of it either…for exactly the reason they intend: deflect deflect deflect. The comment was beyond loaded because of your work. Forget about the pain he inflicted on your children or that he came up with such a psycho twisted comment to begin with. Let’s see how many ways I can get her off track and into self doubt, the nastier more damaging and ludicrous the better.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  sara

“Let’s see how many ways I can get her off track and into self doubt, the nastier more damaging and ludicrous the better.”

Unfortunately I think he did exactly that. He would say anything necessary to throw me off balance no matter how untrue, cruel, selfish, manipulative or devious it was. I once asked him if we could set a minimum level of decency that I could count on that he would maintain and he said “no”.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Hes a piece of shit and a fucking pod. Sorry unicorn they have no decency. Fuckers. Big hug.

newme
newme
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

My X swore on his kids life’s that he was not cheating on me. Well that didn’t seem to bother him, because he was and continued to do so many years after.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  newme

That’s because nothing is sacred. They will speak any string of words that they think you will think has meaning or truth. There is no lie too big.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

There is no lie too big. True that.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

It’s one of those things that is more likely to come up when you are on the outside looking in, I think. Also, I am pretty jaded (which I don’t apologize for anymore.)

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

I don’t apologize for it anymore either! Until you have walked the road we have walked, you cannot imagine what it really feels like to be defrauded. If you don’t like that I’m jaded, then too bad.

jumper
jumper
7 years ago
Reply to  Peakyblinders

+1

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

“Other favorites were (after describing my pain in excruciating detail) he said “If one of our kids died, you wouldn’t do very well”.

I can’t believe your EX even entertained this thought. I don’t think anyone on this planet would do well if their child dies. In fact, some parents never recover from it and are eternally devastated. But why would anyone say that to the mother of their children? The intent must have been to hurt you in some way, otherwise, this isn’t a normal statement.

I’m sorry but your Ex is mentally off to say such a thing and there’s something seriously mentally wrong with him. I’m sorry he got to be your husband. Men like this don’t deserve to get married or have kids, they’re just mentally fucked up.

Thankful
Thankful
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

My youngest kid was diagnosed with cancer a month after ex confessed he had been unfaithful for 8yrs. At one point in the early days of anguish and sleep deprivation I slapped my ex husband, he reported this as an assault to hospital security, when he and I were spoken to together by hospital staff in charge of our daughters care, he totally disregarded my brokenness over D’day or the stress of our daughters illness and expected me to put his concerns first. When that didn’t happen and I raised my voice in the meeting through utter distress over his lack of recognition of the situation he flailed his arms in the air and stated. “See this is just more of the abuse I have received from her over the past 20 yr’s.” When the two staff members refused to side with him he got up and stormed out. Stupidly a few hours later I apologised on the desperate hope of seeing some glimpse of the hologram I had lived with but it was gone. I don’t apologise for shit I didn’t cause anymore and to this day I still have not seen an apology or a shred of remorse from my ex for what he did.

iWasaChump2
iWasaChump2
7 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

@Thankful, that would be so traumatic for me. How is your son doing?

iWasaChump2
iWasaChump2
7 years ago
Reply to  iWasaChump2

Sorry, I misread that — it was your daughter.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

He used to hide from confrontation by putting himself amongst the kids where he knew I wouldn’t say anything that would hurt/scandalize the kids… That was a rare day when they were all out of the house and I confronted him about his reprehensible behavior. There was no one to hide behind and that was his best retort.

There is an extra layer of bizarre in that my job is caring for dying children, so it’s not a theoretical thing to me, it’s very real. The first day I returned after my one day off after DDay, I got odd looks from people as I entered the building, i wondered if perhaps they could see the pain on my face, but no…their pity came because they knew I had 3 cases to work that day. 3 dead children to care for on a day when my very soul was broken in many pieces. God Himself kept me together that day with some version of Divine Duct Tape.

I believe that in the years subsequent to them, my late spouse was confronted with the reality that I am a decent, good loving person and he betrayed me and could never undo his dastardly deeds. I think it contributed to his early death. I am Catholic and believe in Purgatory and I trust that God and he had a long discussion about this where God used the correct balance of accountability and mercy.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

I also believe in atoning for one’s sins. Most of us chumps (even if we have new lives) who are God-fearing know deep down that that day will come for cheaters… You can cheat everyone else, but no one can cheat death or consequences for eternity!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago

Boom, CL.

The one that has come up a lot for me is, “If I did anything that made you feel that way, then I am sorry you have to feel that way, that was not my intention.”

A) Uh, what?! Word salad much?
B) Boiling it down, you’re apologizing to me for… My feelings?

Whatever, Dude.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Me, too, Ami. Yours was a similar version of my XH’s platitude to friends: “I feel really bad that she’s hurt by all this.”

Just ONE time, I wanted something in “active” voice, rather than “passive” voice: “that she WAS HURT…” Just once, I wanted him to say, “I’m sorry I HURT YOU.” — Never. It was always passive, as if he had his situation, and I had mine, and he watched from this sideline while this thing “happened” to me, not that he ever “did” anything to me. No responsibility.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

I had to go back today to look at my notes from January. I had written down verbatim the conversations I had with Match Girl in the last week we were together. I had actually forgotten some of the crazy stuff she said to me. Wow. Progress.

We were cuddling after I had thrown up all over myself when she finally admitted she had fucked Match Stick. She said, “it was a mistake.” Passive voice – that is and was the closest she will ever get to revealing any introspection. So glad she is not in my physical space fucking up my divorce.

Virago
Virago
7 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

Ah, NWBiblio, a light just went on for me. Passive voice. Sweet. Thank you!

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Virago

+1

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

That is particularly maddening, for sure. And it is good that we learn to spot it as part of the picker-fixing because it’s subtle until you get it, then it becomes an early warning system. Passive voice = word salad. 🙂

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Passive voice= No accountability.
The world is doing something TO YOU. To them.
They have no control! Strange forces compelled them. They are a victim of circumstance.

Active voice= Ownership.
Direct blame and total control over the nightmare YOU created.

I broke your heart.
I lied to your face everyday.
I fucked skanky tail.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

I got ‘I ruined your faith in humanity” from the traitor. But he also said “I am not ashamed”. I think that says it all, he knows what he has done, owns it and he is fine with it.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Haha Sylvia! Skanky tail!! I love it and so true! They always go after the easy bait. And of course they have no class…
Amiisfree, so maddening. They are SO LUCKY we don’t want to wind up in jail, don’t want to waste time on losers and have a conscience…

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  Peakyblinders

I recommend my STBX never lean over the edge of the grand canyon to admire the view in my presence …

flutterby
flutterby
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

The x leaning over the Grand Canyon might be the optimal place for him, I’m rather clumsy at times and that would be a place where my clumsy could shine (insert slightly evil laugh).

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Haha! 😀

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Yeah, I remember having a dream in which I was asking my exwife to hold on the 20 lb. anchor while we were both on a boat.

#noonewasinsight

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

LMAO! I recommend it too!

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

C. So what was your intention exactly? Keep me in the dark and stab me in the back while you eff strange? Gee thank you so much!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  Peakyblinders

Auto-incorrect changed E f f to “effective”. Gr! Goofed up my joke! 🙂

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Hahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!! I still laughed! I agree, poof, be gone!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  Peakyblinders

🙂

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  Peakyblinders

In fact, you are right, that was EXACTLY the intention. And MY intention was to purge the BS from my life. Now he can effectively aaaaaaallllll the strange he wants. 🙂

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago

Hows about ive always been this way i just didnt know it. Real gem there.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

“I have always been this way.” You mean you’ve always been an asshole? Well you hid it pretty well for a long time. How about now you go away? (Glad Matthew didn’t mess up you and your pups, kar marie.)

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Yep ian hes always been an asshole. Yes indeed. Wore that mask well til he didnt. Real gem of a comment. I pretty much said just that yep asswipe you have always been an douchebag go on with your bad self plenty of leg spreaders waiting. Im history very soon. I cant change the past but i sure as hell go my eyes and ears working and the pod radar be cranking. Surechumped made me laugh like hell today and my male pup loved it. Hes really developing a taste for spewing coffee!

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

#hesalwaysbeenafuckpod

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago

Well sure chumped i spit my coffee again thank and my puppy thanks you hes really beginning to get off on coffee! hahahaha!

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

hahahaha your funny Kar any your puppy sounds cute. Did you apologize to your puppy? Just joking doll.

Just remember your ex…….. #graduatedwithhonorsfromthecollegeoffuck

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago

Thanks surechumped needed that spitting coffee laughter today! The puppy loves it. He is my kind of male. No offense intended.

#asswipefromthecollegeofdicklesspods.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

Are we all eating paint chips today? Hahaha

#givememore

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago

Hahaha. The puppy cant have anymore coffee. Hes wired!

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

hhaahahahahhahahahahahahhaha

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

I love all the hashtags! Funny!

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

Yeah, getting a sexual thrill from hurting others is confusing alrighty. Glad to hear from you. I was just wondering if all is well with you, Kar Marie.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago

Thank you. I got all the regular cheater bullshit non apologies. I didnt get im sorry i hurt you i was told that was implied. Sure dude whatever. Should be closing thank the stars just a few weeks praying all goes well to end the fucking madness. Then florida panhandle and no contact here i come!

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

My other personal favorite was

I wanted to see how long i could get away with it.

Another brilliant gem. Not very original are they? Assholes.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

#thrillseekingcockhound

saw
saw
7 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

I got “you never apologize “. I didn’t do the lying and cheating.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

So that’s the excuse for not sharing this with you. He was confused…. awwww poor baby!

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago

I got the general non apology of “I’m sorry you got hurt”
Not sorry he hurt me or that he did anything just sorry about how I felt about the whole thing.
And people wonder how I have the audacity to go No Contact.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

AOoK-

Got the same as you “sorry you got hurt” but then the harlequin preceded to say – “I see it in your eyes, I see it in your face and I hear it in your voice but you have to be strong!.” Yup I wanted to ahow her my strength by shoving my size 12’s sideways up her ass.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago

You did it again! This pup is getting jittery from all the java!

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

hahaha Kar. Laughing is gooood

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago

Yes it is. You cracked me up today. A big hug for you.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Gee, Cheater, AllOutOfKibble and her pals here on CL are terribly sorry, but we just can’t hear you over the sound of how great it is that she isn’t in contact with you!

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

My favorite was I tried to keep this from you… Gee thanks for doing me that solid! Thanks buddy

MovingOn
MovingOn
7 years ago

Oh, ex-cheater loved number five. When was I going to get over this (you know, a few months into having my life flipped upside-down and learning that the person I thought I knew was a stranger)? To him, once he confessed, the whole sordid little episode should be over, and life should go back to normal. I’m so glad I didn’t stay with him. After what he did, he treated me like I was overreacting, and he continues to behave as though I’m the one who cheated and ripped our lives apart. I’m supposed to want to be his BFF and act as though his cheater partner is my new gal pal. Cheaters are a seriously messed-up, delusional subset of people. I hope ex-cheater pig and his pig partner are enjoying those qualities in each other!

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  MovingOn

I hate lame apology No. 5. Affairs require a great deal of deliberate choices and fabricated stories repeatedly over time. What exactly is an appropriate response to discovering lying and cheating from the one who pledged to live and protect you? Not to mention the actual act of infidelity. Is there an over-reaction to that? Cheaters LOVE to rug sweep.

Denise
Denise
7 years ago
Reply to  MovingOn

Mine said that to me 2 weeks after finding out he was soliciting on Craigslist for 3ways, men and women for at least 2 years. “When are u going to get over this?” After 30 year marriage, my whole world was crashing down around me. He continued to act as if nothing was wrong. Refused to apologize. .saying” I want what I want.” We put the house up for sale and I moved out with our 2 youngest kids. Nine months later, he has a new source. Both actively posting their relationship on fb. I ask him..stop that it’s humiliating me..we aren’t even divorced yet and haven’t been to see a lawyer… he says..”you left me! You were the one who moved out!” (He refused to move out, at the time). Mind blown. Started the divorce and cannot wait to be rid of this asshole. When will the lies and this mindfuckery end??!

Vastra
Vastra
7 years ago
Reply to  Denise

Denise our XHs sound like evil twins. Exactly 2 weeks after I found out he was cheating with and leaving to be with our son’s music teacher, and just beginning to move from shock to anger, he demanded to know “when are you going to get over this?”. He suggested I see a therapist for my “unhelpful anger”. Shame he never saw one about his “unhelpful lust”.
Same response with the STI enquiry too – Jabba wouldn’t answer but did the red puffer fish rage response, spitting out “how DARE you accuse my girlfriend of having a sexually transmitted disease”.
I did however get one apology in a transient moment of guilt: “sorry I wasn’t a good husband”. Outweighed by many more accusations of being a cranky / unattractive wife that drove him into the arms of a bimbo whore.

Lynne
Lynne
7 years ago
Reply to  Denise

Your story is so similar to mine Denise.
I echo you getting yourself a kickass lawyer.

Denise Lloyd
Denise Lloyd
7 years ago
Reply to  Lynne

Thanks. Immediately, I got tested for everything. I was extremely embarrassed. Before I went, I said to him..please, please tell me I have nothing to worry about. He stood there as cold as ice and said..you wouldn’t believe me anyway. Wow. Just wow. And that was it..after 30 years and raising 4 kids together. (I am fine btw.) My lawyer is very tough however we are in a no fault state so it doesn’t matter what he did. I will say to others, start the divorce ASAP because the longer you wait, the more arrogant he has become. He has his flying monkeys, supporters and gf to keep him from facing reality. He is the victim here. This whole ordeal makes me sick to my stomach. I am just thankful day to day that I have the ability to rebuild my life. I spent my youth catering to him, putting him through school and building a life together. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Denise Lloyd

Welcome to the club nobody wanted to join, Denise. He sounds like a huge jerk. I hope you are no longer living with him. You are welcome here. We get you. You got this.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
7 years ago
Reply to  Denise

DL – I realize you won’t want to hear this… but get a blood test. Mr. Sparkles was doing the 3-way searches on CraigsList and AFF and sites I didn’t even know existed. He told our therapist that he wouldn’t where a condom to “regain my trust” because he never cheated. Guess you know our marriage became sexless from that moment on.

Hang in there – doubt you’ve heard the last of him. Hope you hired a kick-ass lawyer and the kids are doing ok.

{{HUGS}}

Blindside
Blindside
7 years ago

I’ve never gotten an apology, so maybe that’s a good thing. Since my wife has never shown any interest in taking any responsibility for her actions, any apology would just fall into one of the categories above anyway.

No, I got #3. Starting on d-day and ever since. The whole affair was something she was entitled to and was something that I deserved being the deficient spouse that I am. All I’ve heard is how I screwed up over the years, I wasn’t a good enough husband, I wasn’t spontaneous enough, I wasn’t attractive enough, she never got her way (side note: puh-eeze!), and I didn’t do enough to make her happy. I asked her for examples, and I got a laundry list of the most ridiculous excuses you will ever hear to justify destroying a family. And of course, each and every excuse had one common element – it was my fault.

So no apologies for me – just a plate full of blame shifting.

iWasaChump2
iWasaChump2
7 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

I was a devoted husband, and I now know I was TOO devoted. So your description of how “apology #3” applied to you applied to me pretty closely as well. Here’s a clip that cracked me up and made me sad at the same time. Never be like this again to someone who cannot appreciate it:

https://youtu.be/OlAObmM8I2s

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
7 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

Blindside – Mr. Sparkles through the “I didn’t think I could feel this way again” at me when telling me about the OW. Flash-forward two years… divorce is still on-going; their relationship is over (guess it wasn’t twu luv); but I’ll see them both in court for Adultery charge. Karma.

Hang in there!

Sad Shelby
Sad Shelby
7 years ago

Yeah I got I never thought I’d feel this way again too. Well guess what! I knew I’d never feel that way again and I was content! Because I had a life partner and a home and a future filled with plans. And safety and security are what you get for giving up that feeling you selfish fucking ? That feeling isn’t love and a future. That feeling is excitement and uncertainty! That’s why you get the feeling. Because you don’t know what’s going to happen. OMG I hate STBX again!

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

Yup Blindside, One has to be empathetic before a sincere apology can follow. Disordered cheating freaks

Forest for the Trees
Forest for the Trees
7 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

Ditto Blindside.

Our lying cheating wives are similar. Is yours an alcoholic thief too?

After surely blaming me for her shitty behavior to anyone who will listen, she now does so with our kids.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago

My wife is similar to yours, Forest. She’s a whore. Same?

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

And a little throwback. Cheap Trick – He’s a Whore

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6M5mS1AAu4

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

Sounds like she is in the Liz Gilbert fan club.

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

Me either! It is amazing how wonderful they think they are. You know, i’m sure we could all come up with a rather long list of reasons we could have cheated. We didn’t. Instead we were busy trying to be the better person!

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
7 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

Does more hair on his back than his head count as a reason? I swear I think he’s going bald from all the preening he did looking at himself in the mirror and fixing his hair!

Or maybe sucking snot up his nose instead of using a tissue?

Then there’s the picking his toes and flicking God knows what on the floor.

Funny, when I was in love – none of that mattered.

But Cheating, yeah… that matters.

Champ
Champ
7 years ago

That gross stuff didn’t happen until I did the pick-me dance. He admitted later that some cruel things he said were to get rid of me because I was hanging on (which to me is intentional cruelty). I have not shared that phrase with him, and never told him that I noticed his physical gross actions … cutting his toenails with the kitchen scissors, picking his nose and … well, you know … picking his ear and … well, you know … (Babies put things in their mouth, don’t they) … burping out the side of his mouth in my direction … on and on. I’m saving it up. The therapist who met him called him “infantile” but I don’t know how much of it was an act. It could be that I just didn’t exist in his mind, so his gross acts were done, as far as he was concerned, in private. Either way, he’s one mighty screwed up guy.

Beenchumped
Beenchumped
7 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

Ugh, this is exactly what I got. 1st he was a sex addict and that’s not his fault. Then within a week, he wasn’t a sex-addict, it was actually because he was unhappy. I got a long list of why affairs were my fault. He continues to add to this list. Then as the other affairs, 20+ years worth starting at pre-engagement dating, rolled in, the list of my faults just continued to grow and his only responsibility- “I have a high sex drive.”

And I’ve shared before that the affairs during both pregnancies “didn’t count” due to me being unattractive and “overweight” and his fear of fatherhood. I was outraged over those affairs more than others due to the health concern for the babies. (BTW, I only have weighed between 105-115 not pregnant at 5’5″ and was a normal pregnant weight and worked out up until days of labor.)

ArmchairPsychology
ArmchairPsychology
7 years ago
Reply to  Beenchumped

Ah yes, his “fear of fatherhood” made him do it. I still get this one sometimes. They can convince themselves of anything.

Contracting an unknown venereal disease while pregnant can be fatal or severely disabling to the child. It happens, and it’s not rare. Unbelievable.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  Beenchumped

betraying you when you were pregnant “didnt count” now that is a pile of shit with flies circling around it

Marlowe713
Marlowe713
7 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

I could have written your second paragraph word-for-word. My wife did give me an apology, though — an 8 sentence e-mail that basically said, “sorry, not sorry.” She sent it when she realized, “I never gave you the apology you deserve.” So I’ve got that going for me, which is nice…

Blindside
Blindside
7 years ago
Reply to  Marlowe713

Nice……Gunga, galunga!

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
7 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

🙂 (Caddyshack. Classic)

Chumpy dad
Chumpy dad
7 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

I could have written that second paragraph too fellas

Marked711
Marked711
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumpy dad

Me three! She told my daughters, in front of me, that she married me for my potential. Obviously I was never good enough so it was my fault.

sara
sara
7 years ago
Reply to  Marked711

Be complimented–I was married out of pity! Aww, my hero.

Blindside
Blindside
7 years ago
Reply to  Marked711

Married you for your “potential”?? Who the hell are these people? It’d be nice if they’d come up with this shit before we married them, instead of leading us to believe they’ll be honest and faithful partners. Then at least we’d have some sort of warning. But that would make life too easy I guess.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

Everything, everything these lying-ass bitches say after they stick another man’s cock in their gaping pussy is a fucking lie. Don’t believe anything out of there disease-ridden cock-sucking mouths. Every time she opens that cock-hole on her face, just imagine a big load of his spoo sliding out of the corner of her mouth. What a bunch of cunts. I can’t wait until they get cheated on or cheat on the OM. Maybe he won’t be as restrained as I was, and he will actually kill her. Bitch.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

+1000

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
7 years ago

Thank you for this post. I had 4 d days…..5 actually but he had an affair with one woman twice ( or always, she’s the AP he left for).
In all those I got the “I’m really sorry but what about you?” or ” I’m really sorry but you know we aren’t right for eachother or my favorite ” I’m sorry, but this will never work because you can’t let shit go. If I’m going to constantly be accused of cheating I might as well cheat.”
Uhhhh…..I think you were asshole.
I no longer care that I never got genuine remorse, he’s not capable.

ANC
ANC
7 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

‘But’ statements. They negate the clause infront of it, always. I try to avoid these with my kids. It’s passive aggressive BS.

‘Your teeth look great BUT did you brush them?’

‘You got a B+ on that super hard Physics BC test BUT you could have earned an A.’

‘Your look great BUT that green shirt is a little loud.’

Louisvilleflower
Louisvilleflower
7 years ago

“I’m sorry, but I think she’s my soul mate.”
“I’m sorry, but you abandoned me sexually and emotionally and I was lonely.”
“I’ve forgiven you for everything you’ve done to me (see abandonment above). Why can’t you forgive me?”
“I’ve made mistakes, but I am still a good person. You’re just bitter.”
“All of my mistresses wanted me to leave you for them, but I didn’t!”
Etc., etc., ad nauseum (literally).

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago

Gosh Louisvilleflower….“I’m sorry, but I think she’s my soul mate.” just gave me an uncontrollable desire to projectile puke after that one.

I think what he meant by his words were “I’m sorry, but I think she’s my *sole* mate.” – That’s more like it!

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago

I agree on both counts. More like cheating lying loser mates. Soul mates my ass again more like i finally found someone with bad character like me and is just like me and together we will fuck over the world.

Beenchumped
Beenchumped
7 years ago

And to add, I also was told, and was expected to be grateful, that yes he had all these affairs, but for all those years he came back and tried to give the marriage and me another chance. WTF?! I was pick-me- dancing for years without my knowledge apparently while he was sleeping with co-workers, gym buddies, strangers in hotels, clients, and other work contacts before we ever married!

Louisvilleflower
Louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  Beenchumped

Yeah, that “but I always came home to you” line is supposed to make it okay? My STBX came home because I did everything for him. I was a housekeeper, babysitter, personal assistant, and chef until I quit!

beenchumped
beenchumped
7 years ago

Exactly! Reduced to being a domestic peon.

Beenchumped
Beenchumped
7 years ago

I HATE “I’m sorry, BUT, — fill in blank—” & I” sorry YOU are—fill in blank —”
These are not apologies people! Even my kids get these BS fake apologies from Snarc and even as kids they say/know that is a fake apology.

emy110
emy110
7 years ago

I got, “I am sorry but you need to let go of your pride and work on our marriage. I may have cheated but you are the one who tore our family apart and ruined our kids lives.”

It’s funny. He sings this song to the kids all while saying he is going to ruin me physically, emotionally, and financially and ensure I am homeless. If that’s not true remorse I don’t know what is.Especially since his ONE mistake includes 18 years of lies, infidelities, and abuse.

He also offered me a post nup about 6 months in to the divorce that he had written basically outlining a very generous offer to…. himself if I take hm back. Then tells the kids, “I gave your mother a very generous offer and if she doesn’t take it, I will ruin her!”

Can’t you just feel the sincerity? Not.

beenchumped
beenchumped
7 years ago
Reply to  emy110

“let go of your pride” Wow. Just wow. That’s a new one for me.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  emy110

emy110-

Gosh so sorry your cheater said…..“I am sorry but you need to let go of your pride and work on our marriage. I may have cheated but you are the one who tore our family apart and ruined our kids lives.”

Just remember that cheaters are clearly unempathetic and oblivious to the emotional and psychological destruction that cheating has on a loving spouse and kids. IMO, their cheating is equivalent to a physical attack from a grizzly bear. It’s relentless, merciless and the victim is left bewildered and lying for dead. Make no mistake, your cheaters statement confirms that he is truly disordered.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  emy110

How dare he try to position you as the guilty one.

Danielle87
Danielle87
7 years ago

I got the “It’s not you it’s me”. Well actually yes it’s you. I’m too perfect for you and you’re a dumbass so yeah it’s all on you.

Still I had to ask for apologies because cheater didn’t even tell me in the first place.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Danielle87

Yes! I got this, too. Over and over. It’s not you it’s me is a non-apology because there’s no remorse, but it is true. It definitely was him, and he was sorry he got caught.

Tessie
Tessie
7 years ago

No apologies from either cheater exs. Nope! Entitled all the way. Glad the are no longer around.

Tessie
Tessie
7 years ago

Ooops, make that …glad THEY are no longer around.

Champ
Champ
7 years ago

When I start smoking the hopium pipe, I remind myself of the reaction he would give if I tried to talk to him about any problems, either before or after his “mistake but a door opened and from then it was a slippery slope” … a.k.a. affair.

It wasn’t a disrespectful eye roll I got from him, it was a hard-to-describe-in-print “pfft-pfft. Whaaaaaaaaa????” Two little quick side-to-side spits, and a long “What?” Then quick sighs, hunched shoulders, arms outstretched (think Kristen Wiig at the Oscars), like a “What gives here, lady? What are you accusing me of now?” He did that a lot.

But I got an apology … he is sooooooo sorry that if he did actually say and do hurtful things, which he can’t believe he did, then he’s sorry, sooooooo sorry (in a fake, marble-mouthed low voice that is strangely reminiscent of his AP, who I have known for many years). Of course, now that he has proof that he’s been hurtful, he’s turned that into, “I hate myself for it and have to live with that pain every day”, while buried in the boobs of Twatface Ka-ching. Asshole!!!

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Champ

I have to live with the pain every day… Yeah, right…….

ArmchairPsychology
ArmchairPsychology
7 years ago
Reply to  Peakyblinders

I love that one.. “I have to live with this pain everyday.”

Once our eyes are open, it’s so easy to see the self-centered comments for what they are. Months ago, statements like that would have given me hope that there’s was something there to work with. So clueless.

Champ
Champ
7 years ago
Reply to  Peakyblinders

And my favourite, when he announces he is leaving for good: “Maybe I’ll die alone” as he looks wistfully out the window in the direction of her house.

Sad Shelby
Sad Shelby
7 years ago
Reply to  Champ

OMG! Me too! And “What if I leave and I spend so much time pining over you and crying for weeks and months and she gets tired of me?” You stupid MOTHERFUCKER! Literally she is a single fucking mother. BOO FUCKING HOO! I hope that I marry Zac Efron and he does die alone! DICK!

beenchumped
beenchumped
7 years ago
Reply to  Champ

Ooo, me too! I got all sad-sausage style, “But this (OW) may not work out and I may die alone!”

Sara
Sara
7 years ago
Reply to  beenchumped

I was plain stupid about that “lone wolf, I’ll never get married again” routine. He played it so well I was completely unaware he was living with his fiancé by the time we got to the divorce proceedings. Had I known, I would never have let myself be so beaten down. It would have forced me into some dignity, obliterated any delusion about getting back together…ever for any reason. I knew we wouldn’t but thinking he was as lonely as I was let me romanticize way too much. It’s been impossible to forgive myself because of the ramifications it had on my welfare. But I found out too late and only then by some highly improbable serendipity. I just wish it had come a year sooner.

I also got “we both need to apologize”. It makes me puke to think I ever choked out a “sorry” just to have a decent night with the assbag. Whoring for some false affection from my cheating husband, what a love story.

Champ
Champ
7 years ago
Reply to  Sara

You weren’t whoring by saying “Sorry” … you were being loving and wanting affection and hoping he’d see his mistake … that is not whoring, and it isn’t necessarily codependent, either. In hindsight it seems that way … but we were all just trying to be the best person we could be given the information we had at the time. We’re supposed to take care of each other … not beat each other down like he did with you. You held up your end of the bargain, so be proud of that.

Sad Shelby
Sad Shelby
7 years ago
Reply to  Champ

Thank you for that. It makes me feel so much better to hear that stuff. I feel so bad about myself right now. Did I really kill the marriage? Did my lack of affection really break him and make him feel so bad about himself he went out for the whoremat just to feel a tiny bit good again? But he couldn’t tell me what he needed and I could give it to him without him saying. And I do feel like I was the best wife I could be with what I had available. It’s so sad and stressful because I can see where the marriage was weak BEFORE the whore and I wish more than anything I could have fixed that. But would it all have ended up the same anyway? I feel like a door mat too. All the things I did just for a little more love and I still didn’t get what I wanted. ?

SheChump
SheChump
7 years ago
Reply to  Sad Shelby

Sad Shelby. Your post made me cry and I don’t cry much anymore.
I asked myself those exact same questions.
Over and over and over and over and over.
I”d wake up thinking of them in the middle of the night having a pee.
Every morning, I kept asking myself what I did wrong.

Then I got a phone-therapist from SoCal (no offence) but I was so desperate.
She told me I was 50% at fault for him ‘straying’ and I was devastated until I found myself a better Real Life therapist who got me on my feet and was local.

I still identify issues and actually just did a horoscope analysis on us today – something I don’t really do!!
But, He is Scorpion and I am Cancer and we are the signs that get along best.
Maybe that’s why we lasted 36 yrs.
She is a Capricorn (no offence, Cappy) but they are like fire and water.
And, I just found out officially, she is sharing a beautiful home with him as her current address.

Yeah. We had a beautiful home too. This one cost his twice as much as my little cottage on the beach, but I have twice the room. HA!

It broke my heart to see it. I guess I went pain-shopping.
Just glad I finally know where he lives and has been living for over a year. All Secret.

Sorry to be off topic.
I need a dog hug.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Champ

Maybe you should go ahead and do that now!

Champ
Champ
7 years ago
Reply to  Peakyblinders

🙂

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  Champ

A drama whore as well as a cheating man whore. Whew, that description is chilling. Glad you’re free of the disordered freak.

Calmafterstorm
Calmafterstorm
7 years ago

Fucktard has said:

“I’m sorry that you and the kids are having a difficult time adjusting to the changes. I really am.”
“I’m sorry I hurt you. I really am.”
“I wish I would have done things differently.” (not had his affair exposed)
And that is it. After almost 30 years together, 24 years married…..that is it.

I hope his dick falls off. I really do.

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
7 years ago
Reply to  Calmafterstorm

I almost spit out my tea with the whole “I hope his dick falls off” comment, then Ian with the dick in tbe forest…. Lord, that was a good laugh,
I too hope his dick falls off too.

flutterby
flutterby
7 years ago
Reply to  Calmafterstorm

Calm, if his dick did fall off, you could offer some comfort to him,
“I’m sorry your dick fell off, You will adjust to the changes.”
“I bet it hurt when it fell off. I really am sorry (please keep your snickering to a minimum, you must appear compassionate).
“I wish you would have done things differently, like stick that fallen, limp dick up your ass, that way it would not be exposed.”

Virago
Virago
7 years ago
Reply to  Calmafterstorm

Calm,

“I hope his dick falls off”. Me, too.

If his dick fell off in the forest . . .

No wait. If his dick fell off in Times Square, would anybody notice?

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Virago

Dick in a forest you say?

Virago
Virago
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Oh my God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love this!!!!!!!!!!!
No matter how long I look at that, it still makes me smile.

MoFaux hasn’t been in a forest. Likely ever!!
And the parts are oversized for him!!
And quite a bit too ‘perky’ for him.
However . . . close enough!

xxx

iWasaChump2
iWasaChump2
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Priceless, Ian, priceless!

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Hahaha we can start calling trump the mushroom cap.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Hahahahahahaha! Ian i cant breathe!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  Virago

Yes. Anthony Weiner.

Virago
Virago
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Nice, Ami!!!!

I love just saying his name.

I heard he has 2 dogs . . . Mustard & Relish. (oh dear, I am overtired!)
Apologies to all dogs, except hot dogs.

And to CN for lowering the standard of humour. Maybe no one will notice.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Lol

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
7 years ago
Reply to  Calmafterstorm

“What I did (singular!) was terrible and you’ve suffered, 5)3 kids suffered — I shouldn’t have left”. (W.T.F: oh you mean when I kicked you out for wanting to date gold-digger whore openly?)

“I’m sorry, but you made me feel inadequate” (WTF–for 25 years of what I thought was a happy marriage?)

“I’m sorry but you refused to listen to how unhappy I was” (WTF–I didn’t read your devious mind, didn’t realize you were a sociopath and instead went by your loving words, cards, all the fun times we spent together almost every day for 25 years!)

“I’m sorry, but you ruined our marriage in how you’ve acted since I left to live with whore–you’re a horrible person for not saying what a terrific father I am!” (WTF– you abandoned our kids after blaming them for the affair and saying you hated being a father!).

“I’m sorry you’re such an angry person and cannot get over this.” (WTF– just last month you cost me $25k in legal fees, and filed a bogus motion seeking to exclude our biggest CP asset!)

I LITERALLY DESPISE HIM
Etc., etc., ad nauseum (literally).

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago

May I sincerely offer my deepest sympathies that you are entangled with this flaming POS. I despise him too.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
7 years ago
Reply to  FindingBliss

Thank you

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  Calmafterstorm

LOL! I really do too!

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
7 years ago

I recall the occasion when I heard “I didn’t mean to hurt anyone”, I thought I could come up out of that basement and get a life back, it didn’t work (poor him). But look at you! You’ve lost weight, you have new clothes and you are getting out of the house!” “I helped you!”

Right, losing 25 lbs in a month, looking like skeletor, forced to buy clothes that wouldn’t fall off me. Forced to get out of the house to get away from him. The above comments were from the second to last time he tried to convince me not to divorce him. The last time he brought a gun to the party and lots of accusations.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

You are mighty, Datdamwuf. Hope someone finds his lifeless corpse in a basement soon.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago

Let’s see, I got, we’re all animals. Biologically, we are supposed to spread our seed!
I also got, (in a roundabout way) that I was cheating too. Hmmm. Nobody’s private parts ever touched mine! I’m always where I say I’m supposed to be and my guy friends are friends, so nope! try again!
Keep me copacetic was another one, as if it’s all my fault
You should have known I was like that… Hmmm, true, once you said you cheated on your XW, I should have run the other way, but silly me didn’t understand GINR and blameshifting back then… My giving you the benefit of the doubt of learning from past mistakes was a HUGE mistake.
All my other friends are doing it too… (Everyone does it)
Plus a few other comments that others have listed here. They have no remorse…

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago
Reply to  Peakyblinders

“Spread our seed.”….what are we Johnny Appleseed???

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Peakyblinders

“Let’s see, I got, we’re all animals. Biologically, we are supposed to spread our seed!”

Puleez! If this is how he sees himself, then why did he make a commitment to you? I mean if he sees himself as the wild animal that has to sleep around, then he should have stayed single for the rest of his life and had sex with anything that moved. There are plenty of people who will be happy to oblige and have un-committed sex. It’s not fair to you, who thought you were in a committed relationship by someone who was committing a fraud. Telling you they wanted monogamy, when they believed in the opposite.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

That’s exactly what I said… Puhleez…

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Peakyblinders

Ugh. These are horrible. Everybody does not cheat. And we can choose monogamy because we are not animals. We are humans. (Some humans choose to lie and betray others. It’s a deliberate choice.)

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago

Exactly, huge BS to try and minimize the asshole effect. I may have been too stupid in the beginning to see through some of the crap and lies, but REALLY? They really believe they are so wicked smart and that they are dealing with morons. Amazing the audacity

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  Peakyblinders

Right!? They draw incomplete parallels and if you explain how the parallels aren’t accurate because you were honest and up-front and didn’t include infidelity, you are then accused of not letting it go. Draw me in, then use my response to make me look crazy. A-holes.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Like you said before MADDENING…

Current Chump
Current Chump
7 years ago

After Dday & 17 years with stbx bring an a-hole of epic proportions, he gave me a letter which said he was sorry for anything that he MAY have said or done that hurt me. (This coming from the man that I caught at the hooker joint) He wrote he was thankful to me for our son & that if I stayed with him, he would always love me/us blah blah fuckity blah.

So, as usual-he couldn’t accept blame for blowing up our marriage & family by his obsession with chasing rando pussy & would love me if I stayed with him being the good wife appliance (image management & not having to make support payments At its best)

How could I pass up such a fine offer he wondered….
No thanks mofo-my son & I have a great future ahead of us! Carpe Diem!

And as for that BS wannabe apology letter? Since the paper was too tough for me to wipe my ass with, I used it as a cat box liner & let me precious cat shit all over it
(The way he did to us & our life)

Mag
Mag
7 years ago

It goes beyond the betrayed spouse. They can’t apologize to those they hurt, either.

My Daughter is now 23 and recently married. Right after bomb drop – and her father abandoning us all and moving in with OW – he sent her (at his girlfriends request) a “cease and desist from bothering me ” letter.. Yes, to his own children, because they did not agree with married OW. He wanted them to be “Happy he found someone to love.”

2.5 years later, and both daughter’s complete compliance (ie – ignore and no invite to her wedding.) DARLING daddy – JUST sent her a birthday card. No birthday gift, no wedding gift ( he addressed it to her new married name).

Only one sentence. “Happy Birthday. I have rescinded the cease and desist letter. Feel free to contact me at any time. Love, Dad.”

This from a dad who looted the household of all liquid assets, stole jewelry and a car from the youngest…

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Mag

Mag – Your daughters should send him a “cease and desist” letter, telling him to F- off. See how it feels to be utterly and sheerly rejected.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Mag

Egads, his actions were terrible. You can’t do that and then “invite” your children back into your life later. No. That’s not how family works.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago

I know! And all for what, some vagina that he wanted to put it in. He sold out his own daughters. I’m glad Mag’s daughters are treating him like the piece of shit that he is.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

+1000!

Mag
Mag
7 years ago

Somebody should have told him. To make it worse, this all happened in the 2 weeks between 18 year olds birthday, prom and graduation. HAD TO MAKE it all about him, don’t you know.

She received ZERO help for medical, food or any support from him since the day he left – and he took the $8,500 insurance check for her car – it was in his name- when she had an accident.
In fact, when he called, his first statement was “I hope nobody was hurt.” —
NO EVEN “are you ok?” The cop at the scene had more “fatherly” concern for her. – he kept asking me if “she was going to be alright?”

She cancelled her graduation open house, I did not blame her. Cad.

Beenchumped
Beenchumped
7 years ago
Reply to  Mag

That’s sick! Poor girls and at a time they were entering adulthood and marriage?! (And probably a little scared and scared from their “father’s” mental screw-job! Awful!

Though I do find myself jealous of those of you w/ Ex’s who leave kids alone because mine is so damaging to my kids (teenagers) I feel that, though shitty, abandonment would actually be better than the sociopathic narc abuse he does to them also…. I wish CL would explore this (hint.) therapists and my wise elders seem to be split on the subject.

Mag
Mag
7 years ago