I have a unique situation that I would appreciate your take on. My husband began an affair (his THIRD affair that I know of) with his best friend’s fiancé, after said friend died in a helicopter crash. My husband met the OW for the first time at his friend’s funeral in August 2011. I was unable to go the the funeral because I had an urgent medical issue (brain tumor) at the time and was seeing several specialists to plan surgery. I didn’t find out about the affair until August 2012. My medical issues were resolved by that time and life was “normal.”
I found out when the OW sent me an anonymous message. From the get go, I had the gut feeling my husband had taken advantage of her during a particularly emotional time (that’s also how our relationship began). I’m not excusing her behavior. She knew he was married and she was very hateful to me to try to shove me out of the picture. Long story short, he wasn’t willing to leave me. I consulted the BEST attorney, formulated a game plan, stayed with him for 6 months, paid off our debts, outlasted the OW (she dumped him when he wouldn’t leave me and our family), saved a little money back, and then filed.
He about lost it when I filed, because she had dumped him, he lost me too, and that left him with no one. He called her and begged her to call me and convince me that nothing had ever happened between the two of them. Despite the fact that he had admitted to the affair in MC. She was dumb enough to agree to it, so she called me and told me nothing had ever happened, which we both knew was a lie.
I ended up having a long conversation with her where I “thanked her” for having the guts to tell me he was cheating on me for the third time. This knowledge allowed me to recognized it had been a miserable marriage riddled with cheating.
She has since friend requested me on Facebook. She agreed with me that my ex-husband has serious personality issues (he’s a cluster B) and we actually had a really nice laugh at his expense, because he used the same lines on both of us. Things went pretty well for a while. We were FB friends and nothing else because she lives in a town three hours away from me. Fast forward 10 months, and now she has become friends with my ex-husband on FB and they share inappropriate jokes in a public forum. She rarely contacts me and if she does, it’s to ask my advice on her current relationship, as well as parenting issues that she’s having.
I am a counselor, so she likes my help in these areas. I don’t know how to continue with this relationship or if I even should. On one hand, I feel like I need to keep her as a “superficial” friend because I fear she may get back with my ex-husband some day. If she ends up being around my children, I want that to be as amicable as possible for them. It also gives me joy that it bothers my ex-husband that she and I are friends. Although, I’m not sure what kind of a picture she paints of our friendship to him since they are friends, too. She tells me that I will always have a friend in her because we both know what it’s like to be in a relationship with someone like him.
My question is: is she really my friend? Do I keep maintaining this friendship for the sake of what could be in the future? For the sake of irritating my ex? Should I just stop taking her calls? Every time I see the two of them joking around on Facebook he gets under my skin. It makes me wonder what she tells him in order for him to be her friend my friend too. She can’t possibly be telling him things that she’s telling me (i.e., he’s a crazy narcissist) or he wouldn’t want to be her friend. Any words of wisdom you have are greatly appreciated. I should also mention I had to put a restraining order on him because he was stalking me. So I have no contact with him to be able to hear his version of their relationship.
Dear Struggling Chump,
Is the woman who fucked your husband your friend? NO. Not unless you have really, really low standards for friends. By this reasoning the guy who checks your gas meter could be your bestie, just by virtue of the fact he has not fucked your ex, and you cordially nod at one another. This woman is NOT your friend, okay? She’s some kind of narcissistic mindfuck like your ex.
You seem to think she’s some ally in untangling his skein. She agreed with me that my ex-husband has serious personality issues (he’s a cluster B). She tells me that I will always have a friend in her because we both know what it’s like to be in a relationship with someone like him. From where I sit, you’re both still engaged in a pick-me dance over your ex. She tells you he’s had multiple affairs (HA! You only THINK you won the pick me dance!), you get upset when she Facebook friends him too, but think you may have him beat on the triangulation. It also gives me joy that it bothers my ex-husband that she and I are friends.
SC — I want you to walk away from the triangle and repeat after me: “I AM NOT A HYPOTENUSE.”
The OW enjoys the drama triangle. And you’re of use to her as free counseling kibbles. Oh, can I field the relationship and parenting questions for you?
“Hey bitch, don’t sleep with married men. Spend more time raising your children and less time stirring up shit on Facebook. That will be $180, please, made payable to the Adulterous Fuckbuddy Redemption Society.”
You have a restraining order on your ex. You have a restraining order on your ex. Read that sentence again. You have a restraining order on your ex. Why on earth would you want to hear “his version of their relationship”? What part of legally enforced no contact do you fail to understand? It goes both ways this NC.
Curious about their relationship? They are fuckbuddies who fucked you over. They enjoy centrality and drama at your expense. And “inappropriate jokes on public forums.” You don’t need to be anywhere near these people. On Facebook, in your head, on your street.
And consider this — anything you could learn from the OW as friend or otherwise is completely untrustworthy. She cheated with your then husband, and agreed to lie about the affair for him. You can’t believe a thing she says.
So why would you try to control this? Who she might be to your kids some day is a flimsy excuse for staying tangled up in their drama. YOU DON’T CONTROL THAT. You don’t control who she is to your kids. To your ex. To anybody, including yourself. She’s not going to give you a whit of consideration on the basis of “friendship” if it stands between her and something she wants. She’s already DEMONSTRATED that by fucking your husband.
So do you really think she’s going to be extra nice to your kids? She didn’t consider them when she was the OW, and she didn’t consider you either. She hasn’t seen the error of her ways because HELLO she’s still friends with that Cluster B fucker. He’s disordered, but not so much so that they can’t be pals.
There is no “friendship” here to maintain. You just unfriend her on Facebook, turn off the mindfuck channel, and get on with your life without them.
No contact — no drama! You can DO THIS.