Best Chump Retorts?
Well chumps, I’ve devoted lot of blog pages to Stupid Shit Cheaters Say. And as we all know, they say some really stupid shit.
You didn’t cheat, you just cheated on my belief that you would not cheat on me? WTF?
The Other Woman is really nice and would like to babysit for us?
She was just a prostitute, so it’s not really cheating?
You stand there gobsmacked. Did they really just say something this patently absurd? Pinch yourself. Yes. Yes, they did.
And nine times out of ten, you’ll be goddamned if you can think of anything to say in reply.
Except for that one time, when you were in the zone and you just connected with that bullshit and said the Perfect Withering zinger at exactly the Perfect Moment…
…Only it flew over the cheater’s head, as sense often does.
They couldn’t appreciate your perfect response to crazy, but hey, your fellow chumps can! So tell me — what’s the best come back you had?
I landed a few blows on the long-term OW in my story (who had wanted to marry him and played OW throughout three marriages, probably more by now). When she called me a whore, I said “That’s Mrs. Whore to you.” I also added, “Poor Alyson, always a fuckbuddy, never a bride.”
I see in retrospect it was terribly un-meh, and a version of the pick me dance. Why would ANY sentient person want to be this cheater’s bride? I just knew it was a vulnerable soft spot for her, and as she had fucked my then-husband, I felt it only appropriate to throw the harpoon. No regrets.
When I wrote my book The Chump Lady Survival Guide to Infidelity, I included an entire chapter of Stupid Shit Cheaters Say and how to respond, so you’ll never be caught off guard again.
“I need to grieve the loss of my schmoopie”? Response:
“Get out of my house. Go sit shiva on your affair somewhere else. It’s not my job to comfort you from the affliction of your own stupidity. I’ve got my own healing to do, which apparently isn’t even on your radar. Fuck off!”
So today you choose the Stupid Shit the Cheater Said and your reply.
And if you thought of the perfect thing to say seven months later, you can include that too. (Isn’t that how it always goes?)
Get uppity, chumps!
When my stbx said, “she saved our marriage, I should pay her”. I should have said “true, they pay whores, don’t they”!
When she Said (directed to the boys) he’s a wonderful man and he won’t bite you!”
I said “wonderful men don’t fuck married women! He won’t bite you but he will cause substantial financial and emotional pain.
When the OW said “you lost a good man” I smiled and said “he cheats twice a year” and laughed.
ha ha ha You lost a good man? LOL!! She can have that “good man” and someday she will eat those words!
Her response was “he won’t cheat on ME”. And I laughed again. He was sitting next to her at the bar where he picked her up four months ago. He was mortified yet didn’t deny it. She won the prized asshole!
Of course not, because she is so “SPECIAL” don’t ya know. And he left his significant other for a skank he had only known for 4 months, the one he picked up at a bar… He will never do that to her because she is so so special.. NOT!
What is it with the ow/om that think they won’t be cheated on? I know they must think their sparkles are the shit and all, but seriously? Will they ever realize they have already outright told the cheater that cheating is okay? At least in cases of tru luv, boredom, muffin tops, mistakes, etc, etc, etc. –
My stbxh: “I was acting out, overwhelmed by your depression” (in hindsight, his whoring started with the untimely deaths of my mother and his father)
My response, ” yea, because prostitutes are known for their positive life affirming attitudes. Dude you do realize how incredibly fucked up someone has to be to enter that line of work, and how fucked up you are in blaming me? Go fuck yourself. “
That’s actually really funny, because OW actually bought the “poop glitter” when it came out
My husband, who is in denial that anything ever happened and continues to be passive aggressive about seeing lawyers, etc, cheerfully addressed me when I returned from seeing the movie “My Old Lady” with a friend. He asked me what it was about. I replied without hesitation, “It was about two assholes who had an affair and the devastating long-term emotional and financial effects it had on their families.” His mouth dropped. My eighteen year old daughter (who is very aware since she is the one who noticed him texting day and night) laughed and said, “Score!”
Mine was in an email so I’m not sure it counts but I had just found out that the OW IMd my ex and he told her that her “contact bothered me so she should stop” It should’ve been a big red flag that he didn’t say it bothered him but better late than never.
I sent her a brief email explaining the concept of no contact. I gave her the benefit of the doubt because in the first email I sent I asked her not to contact him by using email or the phone so I apologized for not being more comprehensive and said: In addition to not calling, texting or emailing no Instant messaging from any venue, no social media, no snail mail, smoke signals or sky writing either with an airplane or a broom.
Since she is in her 50s I figured the wicked witch of the west reference wouldn’t be lost on her.
How true is it that they always find the loophole – the one thing you DIDN’T mention they shouldn’t do, which of course, should be totally obvious -like writing in the sky with a broom… LOL!
I was told to write out my boundaries… the list became an exhaustive novel of the totally ridiculous kind – covering what I thought was every last base… and surprise, surprise… they still find the holes… absolutely fucktardy. What a waste of time and effort that was. So glad I can get a good laugh on it now. 🙂 Common sense is just not for cake eaters.
I like that “with a broom!l
I have been out of crazy town for 4 weeks and was having dinner with some “friends”, he followed me to my new place. After 10 minutes of him telling me how wrong and childish I was acting by leaving him this came out:
F.Face: *Insert whiny tone* My dad has been to the ER twice with chess pain after all the crazy things you have done (dumping him unceremoniously) and spend thousands of dollars in hospital bills because of it, is that what you think he deserves?
Me: Your dad deserves the moon and back, but I am not the one that will give it to him.
I still smile when I remember that.
His face and silence were priceless!! I also told him that If he ever came near me aging, all his bullshit of “calling wolf” would come true (telling every one I was getting a restraining order). Haven’t seen him since. Thank God.
After finding out my husband of 25 years had been cheating on me for at least 15 of them with two co-workers, including individual affairs and group sex, I asked him what he could have been thinking. His response was “I just always thought we’d be together”….to which I replied: “How many of us???”
Wife: You were never there for me.
Me: You mean when you needed a quickie in a motel with your boyfriend from work? I would have been there for you if you asked me instead of him. Was he there for (too many things to list, rattled off births, house, operations, family deaths etc.. etc..) No, he wasn’t there for you. I’ve been there for you your whole life since you were a teenager. You stopped being there for me when you chose to get a boyfriend and hide it from me. (something along those lines)
After that I’d keep saying like “oh, I fixed your SUV a few weeks ago, how many times has he fixed your SUV? I bet he got a bunch of blowjobs in it and stuff.. if that’s what you mean by being there for you. I only bought it, paid for it, wash it, keep it running, fill it with gasoline…..”
So yea, that’s my classic ‘stupid things cheaters say’ and the gist of my responses to those types of ‘poor me’ types of blame shifting..
Here is the height of awful. My husband couldn’t (wouldn’t) help me fix my car… so OW sent her husband over to do it (the only bright side of that is that since my husband was playing sick, he missed OW’s intended opportunity for them to sneak off together while the car was being fixed, because there was NO Way that SadSausage was going anywhere if he was too sick to help me with my car so that I could go to work to support his lazy tail.
I used to feel guilty that he helped – particularly after Dday. But I realized that the kind of guy he is, he probably would have done it for me anyway… after all, it’s not my fault that my husband and his wife were faithless dicks.
This hit a nerve with me. The first MOW ho-worker, the butter face who was fucking my ex for over 3 years, drove a white SUV and she gave my ex many bj’s in that SUV and her husband also ride in that vehicle with their kids. I mean what kind of woman gives a bj in a vehicle and not even blink where her husband and children also ride in it? Then again its the same woman who fucked my ex in her marital bed when her husband was away, and her husband was away a lot during that time. So they did their thing in that SUV, at her friends house or at work bathroom when her husband was in town. Oh yeah her husband worked his ass off, washed that vehicle etc and she fucked and gave bj’s to my ex who never did anything for her, oh except listening to her how hard it was for her, that her husband was always away (working) and when he was home he didn’t pay attention to her and their kids so after listening to her whining, he simply stick his dick in her mouth…
Same kind of cheater/AP pairing that has sex in the marital bed. Personally, I think they get off on the titillation of violating boundaries. I’m going to be out of town for a week. Hopefully, STBX and Schmoopie decide the king-size bed in the master bedroom is what they need, not the full-sized bed in the guest room (now my room). Both STBX and Schmoopie are a pretty big couple, and the full-sized bed is an antique (was my mother’s from her childhood).
Put a lock on the door. When she asks why, tell her you don’t want her and her fat-ass Schmoopie breaking that antique bed.
Exactly kb! My fuckface even brought that butterface MOW ho-worker in my house couple of times when I was overseas for a month. These 2 fucks fucked in my bed, sat on my couch, ate my food, showered, used my towels…I got rid of the bed, couch, bedding, fridge, carpeting, all the towels etc. The freeloading parasite had the nerve to bring this skank in my home and let her eat my food too that I paid for. When I was checking the call logs after shit hit the fan and I went back from the day one btw, I noticed he called my house number on different days when I was overseas, so I asked him why he was calling my house phone. Get this,
Him– “I don’t know, I called to see if anyone would answer”
Me– “who would answer the phone? I was overseas and you were here in my home”
Him–“I don’t know, maybe a robber or something”
Me–“let me get this straight, you were calling my house phone and someone who, maybe robbing my home would stop what they are doing and answer the house phone? Does that even make sense?!?”
He was sooooo good playing the dumb one!! Idiot gave her his cell at work (he left an hour before she did) so she wouldn’t have records on her cell and call my house with his cell to let him know she was on her way to my house and that was the only answer he could come up with, IDIOT!!
PS: wash his bedding and his underwear with insulation they use when they build homes and throw some more insulation into the dryer. Shake it well and make his bed nicely. It will itch like hell when they use the bed and when he wears his undies. I’ve never done it but my friend who did swears by it. That’s how she took her revenge on her cheater. Stupid cheater could never figure out why he was itching all day long lol. I hope it works for you! 🙂
The robber line has to go in the Stupid Shit Cheaters say cannon.
Also, go listen to the Bobby Blue Bland song “That Did It” — with the lyrics “I saw your Other Man wearing my brand. new. shoes.” A good blues song cataloging the indignity of the affair partner using all your stuff.
You are right Tracy, so I went and posted my post on the Stupid Shit Cheaters say, it definitely belongs there. So new readers can see how fucked up these cheaters really are with the shit they come up with along with other posts.
Never ceases to amaze me how often a cheater can lie and come up with the craziest statements, then mistreats YOU even MORE than he/she already has when you stop dealing with the nonsense. Even worse, not only is he lying to you, he pulls everyone else into the lie as well, in an attempt to make you look bad. There is no physical trauma, yet the damage to your self-esteem, good name within the community or at work, and constant verbal humiliation is horrific. A cheating partner is an emotionally abusive partner. So glad to see that the women here have taken a stand and offering so much support to others in the same boat. Laughing about it when we can sure does help lessen the sting. Hugs…
http://www.intheknowwithro.blogspot.com
yep it sure does need to go in the Stupid Shit Cheaters say. I have to say, he played the “‘good guy” role really well (his whole family was feeding me that bullshit too and was covering for him) so I would feel sorry for him and because of it I had second guessed myself more than once, ok a lot. He is an expert on gaslighting… I have never met anyone in my entire life, until him, who can just look at you and deny the obvious truth even with proof or/and when he was cornered like that situation, he would just come up with shit like that and just play dumb while feigning innocence.
I am so glad I don’t have to deal with this disordered freak and his family anymore and now my life is good, theirs, not so good! 😉
I just listened to the song, thank you for posting it Tracy, its right on and one of my new favorites now. 🙂
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UmUsPTp7p2o
I thought I was the only person left alive who knew about Bobby “Blue” Bland! That’s why I love you CL! He’s on my iPod.
And another– Ex’s main AP was someone he introduced to our family as a family friend, who stayed in our home with us, who we visited and stayed with her and her children and husband in their home, who painted us pictures we hung on the walls of our house, was someone he engaged in group sex with along with her best friend for 17 years, and who was having sex with my then-husband under my nose and the noses of our 3 children apparently for sick kicks–
When I expressed my outrage after D-Day, my ex says–“She’s really a good person.” To which I replied, “Right, she hasn’t screamed obscenities at us while kicking the puppy, she’s awesome.”
I also got the “OW is such a good person, better than you”. My reply was “Good people don’t sleep with other people’s husband’s therefore she is not a good person and I am better than her!” He didn’t even flinch, such a sociopath.
I tried that one when he tried to claim she was just a friend (and that, of course, he really needed a friend right now to help him get through this tough time (this was after I confronted him, with evidence, of him having sex with her)). I said a friend would respect your marriage and not lead you or allow you to cheat on your wife. She may have been a friend before the affair, but now she’s just a mistress. She’s not a friend if she doesn’t care that she just ruined your marriage. I just got an eyeroll, a “whatever” and more silent treatment (cause I was just being so mean for insisting he stop contacting her).
Nice one! Love it!
My cheater told me I shouldn’t be jealous because he’s been suffering from erectile dysfunction, so any intercourse was minimal. “Viagra has too many side effects, so even though I’ve got a prescription, I won’t fill it because that stuff’s dangerous!”
I said, “Well, considering the cave trolls you’ve been fucking lately, I think you should read those side effects again- temporary blindness might be a plus.”
Snap!!! 🙂
VeniVidiVerily: I’m with Paula – LOL and BIG Hugs to you!
http://www.intheknowwithro.blogspot.com
hahahah!! THANK YOU VeniVidiVerily, you just made me smile and actually laugh outloud for the first time since my divorce last week!!!
Laugh more, Paula–you deserve to be happy at long last.
thank you SO much! EnoughAlready! I am beginning to smile and Little by Little feel better everyday. HUGS!
Her: [A bunch of bullshit epiphanies about how the trauma of her affair has given her new insight into how to be a good wife].
Me: I hope that insight makes your marriage to our kids’ stepfather happier than ours has been.
On the night we divided up our stuff with me not yet knowing about a particular ongoing affair of hers…the following was said more or less:
XW: (About who got the cat) You take good care of him.
Me: I will. He has taken good care of me.
Hours later, xMIL (About above exchange): Why did you say that? Do you need someone to take care of you?
Me: That cat has been more faithful to me than your daughter.
Ha ha ha ha ha….well said, made my morning!
Pure awesomeness!
Purrr awesome
After finally stopping the pick me dance but the asshole still hadn’t moved out –
Him – I told you years ago I was unhappy… and you did nothing!
Me – I’m not responsible for your happiness
And –
Him – You can’t even say “hi” (referring to when he would arrive home and I would ignore him)
Me – When I need to talk to you about the settlement or our daughter I will. Otherwise I have nothing to say to you.
When my ex came back for the umpteenth time whining to come back and how hard he was trying, I quoted Yoda. “Do or do not. There is no Try.”
Jajajajjaa Love it! Made my day!
My best comeback, when he denied over and over again that he had cheated with the next door neighbor, and that I was delusional: “I’ve got you on tape”! (lol) Boy, am I glad the emotional abuse and control is finally over. Hugs… http://www.intheknowwithro.blogspot.com
Him about his AP “say what you want about her integrity, she’s honored the no contact.”
Me “She has no integrity. Any person that would have an affair with a married man has no integrity.”
Upon learning that the latest OW was divorced from her unfaithful husband, I told my then-husband, “I get it — she is trading HER lying, cheating husband for MY lying, cheating husband.”
LOL! Hugs…www.intheknowwithro.blogspot.com
On DDay when I confronted him with phone records of all the calls between them every night while I was working and even when we were out of town for fun, his response was, “We’re just friends!”
My retort: Really? Just friends?? If that’s the case then we would have had her over for dinner. I would know her. Our kids would play together.
Him: silence.
I kicked him out, he got a hotel room 8 miles from her house. Then when he finally found an apartment, it was conveniently located 4 miles from her house. Yep. REAL good friends.
Similar story. “We’re just friends” after seeing hours of conversations between them on the cell phone records, some calls at 6 am when our kids were there visiting for holidays. Guess he had to talk to her before the rest of us got out of bed, before her family got out of bed too!
Yeah, “We’re just friends” is what my ex said too. Then when I told her I saw the phone bill showing that for the past 3 months they had been exchanging hundreds of text messages most days. She looked shocked at me and said “I can’t believe you snooped into that, I never would have done that to you”. Didn’t say it at the time but, but should have said. “You are right, you would be too busy texting Kevin to take the time to look at the phone bill”.
Same here. Mine said he was thinking of getting back together until I confessed that I had snooped and asked him to change his passwords (I didn´t want to find out anymore). He said he couldn´t go back with someone who had violated his privacy in such a way. The nerve!
For years, my cheater snooped on me, the loyal spouse.
Mine was also furious that I looked at the phone records. Got even madder when I checked his computer history…
Mine actually had his attorney question me about it in the deposition. Like snooping was the crime, not adultery and embezzlement of our family funds.
I love the I would never do that to you!!!! Really, the worse thing we did was snoop.
Can I just say the long-term OW in Chump Lady’s story has to be pretty dumb? To play the OW in 3 different marriages with the same guy – he’s obviously never going to want to be with her 24/7. Why didn’t he go running to her to be all Happily Ever After after Divorce #1? Or #2? Or #3?
Then again, I know of someone who always has affairs with his office manager, divorces current wife to marry the office manager, then hires a new office manager, and guess what happens? This cycle has happened at least 3 times. You would think someone somewhere along the way would wise up!
It’s the $64,000 dollar question.
I asked why he didn’t marry her and he said because she was a bipolar alcoholic. But my guess is just that she kept agreeing to be the OW. The wives all divorced him — but she was always there.
It’s a special kind of fucked up. I don’t really know the answer.
My STBX’s father had a long-term OW with whom he lived in the city where he worked. My late MiL knew about the OW and was furious at her, but opted never to divorce. Her POS husband used to come home for exactly 48 hours every weekend, and would spend his time on a LazyBoy watching television. He’d sleep on the LazyBoy, too.
He married the OW about 5 years after his wife died, and around a week before he himself died. The marriage made her very happy, but you know what? If he’d married her once he was legally free to do so, she’d have been able to get his military pension and spousal benefits. As it is, she got squat. She also loaned him around $15K.
He must have seen her coming!
She still insists he was an honorable man (insert clue-by-four: Honorable men don’t cheat on their wives, don’t string their mistresses on for 20 years, and don’t borrow money they don’t repay).
Oh hell Kira…
If he was running a sewing factory I know him too.
LOL
Nope, not a sewing factory, so there’s at least two of them out there. Scary thought!
After the divorce, my ex got a new phone and he kept texting the wrong person. By this point GF OW had already caught him cheating. (One of many OW, serial cheater) he was in a different state. He texted me “Ya, I’ll be at the party. Soooo, is Jen going to be there?” GF name, not Jen. I texted back “wrong person. Have fun, but be careful, your dick tends to fall into randos at parties”
He actually texted back. “Well done. True story.”
I wish there was a ‘like’ button! These are great. Thank you, all.
This is just one example, there are many more, the fuckface tried to say, after I dumped his ass, ” You are my only true love, I am dead inside without you” my reply, “did you realize that before, during or after you were fucking the skanks?!”
Cremation or burial?
Cremation would be great I think, so I can use the ashes for a cat litter 😉
he also said, “if you give me one last chance, I promise I wont fuck it up this time and I will make you the happiest woman in the world” my reply “why, are you gonna die and leave me million dollars?” LOL 🙂
Nice one!!
When I told him not to be bring any of his whores around our children. He asked “Why would you think they would be whores? ” I replied, “What do you think they call women who fuck other women’s husbands?!?” Blank stare from him. Wow.
My wife said “do you think I’m a whore?” I said, “Do you feel like a whore? You’ve been acting like one, although they usually get paid..”
LOL! Love it! That’s what I told my X about his latest schmoopsie since, they moved in together but he was paying all the bills, as long as she gives him kinky sex. I said “so what do they call a person who gives sex in exchange for monetary favors? ” Hmmm…….. 🙂
Just thought of another one. In text he said to me, as usual, that “I am very selfish and ungrateful, and I do not take into consideration the lengths he and the OW have to go to so that I don’t see her when X and I do child exchange.”
My reply, since we weren’t even divorced yet, was , “why yes, sadly, you should go to great lengths to make sure your wife and mistress never meet up ! ” Dumbass!
And one more.
After we had just separated and he had moved right in with latest OW, he said to me. “You know, in the end I hope that everything works out between us.” ~implying we would be together
My reply ” Oh yeah? So how does your GF feel about that?!?” Crickets.
I had a similar exchange. I found out about last OW after I asked for a divorce. It had been going on while we were in counseling. He called to do the “are you sure we’re doing the right thing I want to come home this is all a mistake” thing. He didn’t know I knew about new skank. So I also said, “How will your girlfriend feel about that?” One of the few times he didn’t have a quick response. Best thing was that I just went on with the stuff about the kids and then got off the phone without discussing it with him.
They always think they are smarter than us don’t they? Like we wouldn’t figure out or snoop for others after we discovered the first OW. Morons.
The more I ignore his existence, the more I can tell it bothers him. Oh well, getting on to my new fabulous life. Love it.
I have a few!
When he kept offering to stop by and drop off belongings he’d ‘taken by mistake” I said, “Just throw them away like you did our marriage..”
When I arrived to our final dissolution hearing fifty pounds lighter in thigh high boots and a stunning professional dress, he was his same 300 pound self dressed head to toe in an outfit I bought him ages ago. He made a big show of not greeting me, and chatting up some freeze dried random blonde. I sweetly walked up to her and said, “Oh, honey. He’s a cheater. An adulterer. But he’ll be free in half an hour and you can have at it.”
When we were leaving he tried to hold an elevator for my sister and me. She stared him down icily and said, “We’ll wait.”
Nothing like “lose a cheater, and bonus! Lose 50 pounds.” I think for many of us, the extra weight came in the effort to protect ourselves and get those endorphins from food because there was no “sugar” coming from the cheater.
I was pretty heavy when we met, but I gained some too. 🙂 I still have about 40 pounds to lose but I look way better than him or his stupid morally bankrupt downgrade.
I saw my lawyer yesterday. In the course of the conversation on settlement, she made a remark about how, if a judge questioned the settlement–which is slightly biased in my favor though it’s still the 50-50 the state likes–she could indicate that while we both have decent earning power, he’s made more money than I have, he’s older…I stopped her there. STBX is a year younger than I am. She looked at me and told me that, from the one meeting she’d had with the both of us, she assumed he’s a lot older than I am.
And then quickly went on to add that it’s actually better that I’m slightly older, as it makes an even stronger case for the slight bias.
I lost the 50lbs I gained since my wedding day. STBX has gained about 60lbs–about 20-30 since he’s been seeing OW.
Integrity wears well. Kudos to you!!
My sister had never seen ex with a tucked in shirt. She kept whispering incredulously, not spitefully, “He got fatter. Did he get fatter? Did his gut get bigger?”
I said, “Well besides Schmoopie he probably hasn’t seen a fresh vegetable for months. Po Baby.”
Luziana, that reminded me of another one. He had been taking his stuff out of our house in dribs and drabs while I was at work everyday. One day I left a pile of his cookbooks that had been blended in with mine, with a post it note saying “Don’t forget your cookbooks.” (he never had cooked for us, in 16 years). That night I saw him, and he had thrown the cookbooks down the basement stairs, splaying them out and breaking some of the bindings. I said, “Why did you do that?”
He said with high melodrama, “Do have ANY fucking idea what it feels like to have you take EVERYTHING I ever gave you and just shove it back in my face???!!!”
Calmy I said, “Yes. Actually. I do!”
Best one yet.
hahaha! I had the good fortune to be the sole owner on the house deed- I inherited my modest little place from my parents before we met. I think he thought we would be friendly after he filled up his sad little U-Haul all by his lonesome. I refused to allow ho-worker on my property- I believe I warned him she would get ‘an icepick in her eye socket. But I went NC and didn’t look back, and would not allow him to ‘stop by.’ He was in such a hurry to set up his whore shack he left a lot behind.
At Christmastime I’ll mail his daughter her tree ornaments, She shouldn’t suffer for Dad’s wandering divining dick….the rest is trashed or donated,
When people say to me about the OW ” Well she’s a really nice person…..”
My reply ” Oh yeah, adultery aside, I ‘m sure she’s just lovely.”
That is the worst, “She is a really nice person.” Fuck that shit. She is a home wrecker. She has no empathy for anyone but herself. She went for a married man and destroyed a family. I go ballistic when I hear this bullshit from “friends”.
She is nothing but a self serving, self dealing, narc who discards human life for her own well being.
I used to get this shit from my former friends with H#1 who cheated twice before I found out and left.
You really touched a nerve I haven’t thought about for a while. Sorry you have to hear this crap, Freeatlast. I wish we could make them realize how harmful these words are to the faithful spouse.
I know, it really sucks hearing that. I feel ya’. Sadly most that say that, have never been hit by infidelity, that they know of, or they have and are just trying to spackle since they are still living in it.
My motto is, I don’t care how many homeless shelters she may volunteer at, or how many church bake sales she does, or how many kittens she adopts, someone who screws around with a married person is a piece of shit, no matter how many nice things you do aside from that.
When I give my retort to them of “yeah adultery aside, I’m sure she’s lovely”, that usually shuts them down quick. Sarcastic, straight to the point and makes them rethink what they just said.
Ex: How do you know all these things?
Me: I read them in your journal.
Ex: It makes me extremely angry that you violated my privacy.
Me: It makes me extremely angry you’re in love with another woman.
Ex: (silence)
Lyn, that’s classic! Mine said, “Don’t you believe I still love you!??” after Dday. “No, you bought her strawberries and chocolate for breakfast. You never did that for me.” Him: “how did you KNOW THAT?” Me: you left the receipt on your desk. (Stunned silence from him).
Him: Well, I was only fucking around because you are frigid.
Me: Bollocks. The major criteria for getting it on with your wife is getting in bed with her while she is awake.
OR
Him: I am actually relieved you found out- I have been going nuts.
Me: Keep going.
“I’m getting a lawyer'”
Short and sweet when I dashed his plan of going through meditation (he was hiding assets) and “everything will be all amicable”.
Thinking about this, I realise he was even talking like a teen. “All” amicable?
P.S. I know it wasn’t witty but I don’t think anything else I could have said that would have stricken more fear to his heart and it was the most bad ass thing I said to him.
Cheater: “Don’t you believe I still love you! I TOLD you, I wish I could split myself in half, so one of me could be with you and one with her?”
Me: No I don’t beleive you. And which half would I get?
Cheater: “I bet everyone’s telling you you’re better off without me!”
Me: Yes, they are.
Cheater: “But what about YOU? what do YOU think?”
Me: Before July 29, 2013 (DDay) I never would have agreed, after that, Absolutely!”
(Cheater sat with head in hands looking at the floor).
Cheater: (After I told him we were changing the deed to our house and getting rid of the survivorship clause): “Margaret! I think you KNOW who I am! I will take care of your children if something happens to you. Don’t you TRUST ME??!!”
Me: “No, I don’t.”
Cheater: “OK, fair enough.”
Crazymaking.
OMW Margaret! My cheater said very close to what you said;
Him–“You know who I am, yes I have made some mistakes, but you should make me the beneficiary to everything you have.”
Me—“Why would I do that? Why would I make you the beneficiary to anything that I have when I have a child?”
Him—“Because when (not if) something happens to you, I would make sure your son gets everything, so your ex-husband (the father of my child) can’t touch it or steal from him since your son is under 18, but I will never do that to your son, I care for him a lot and you can trust me”
I told him he was dreaming!
Let’s see, here is a parasite who always complained he was always broke, never even contributed a penny to anything, not even for his own food, complete freeloading dead beat who didn’t have 5 dollars in his pocket, doesn’t have a single dollar in his savings, irresponsible spender who kept getting into debt while he was freeloading off of me, who cheated and lied and STOLE from me consistently and I am supposed to trust this fuck and make him the beneficiary to my completely paid off home, vehicles, jewelry, all the top of the line furnishings in my house?!?! And he will make sure my son will get it? Yeah right!! What a fucking loser!! He makes me want to BARF!
Hell, I wouldn’t even make him beneficiary to even the contents of my septic tank lol!! Even that’s too good for him!!
So funny for a lying, devious, chameleon living a secret life to say “you KNOW who I am!!” OH the irony!
I know right! 🙂
After one of the five ddays (I can’t remember which one) my cheater said…..”It was an accident, I didn’t mean for it to happen”..To which I replied….”Funny…..I have NEVER heard of a random penis ‘falling’ into a vagina on the news as an ‘accident’ “. “Stop saying stupid shit!!”
Kimmy, You should’ve said “ you didn’t mean for it to happen? It was an accident? Awwww, where were you aiming your dick at?”
Both my husband and the OW told me that they didn’t “mean for this to happen.” I told them both, separately, that I thought by the time people got to be 40 years old, they should be able to tell the difference between intentional sex and rape. I told her that I hoped that if she did not know the difference yet, that she would learn it the hard way.
Mine kept using the term ‘mistake’. I finally stopped dead in my tracks and said ‘stop calling what you did a mistake. A mistake is something that is done accidentally – like when you backed my car into a pole. That was a mistake. Your f’ing multiple women for multiple years and hiring prostitutes was not a mistake. It was a choice – a decision that you made repeatedly. That is not a mistake!’ He sheepishly agreed.
“We all makes mistakes, intentionally or not.” I spent way too long trying to figure out how one makes a mistake intentionally.
Yeah, mine said “we all make mistakes.” I said, “A mistake is spilling wine on your carpet, locking your keys in the car – you manipulated, lied and deceived people for your gain. That’s called a personality disorder, not a mistake.”
Mistakes don’t need any effort, it just happens, however choices like lying, cheating, betraying another takes effort.
They made a mistake my ass!!
I love that idea that cheating was an accident. I heard that too. I keep thinking “help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”
Got another one — my son shared this story with me about what my daughter said to her dad.
My ex and I were high school sweethearts and dated all through college and were married for nearly 20 years before the divorce.
Once at dinner after the divorce, OW was telling my kids how she and their dad were friends in high school and they liked each other all those years and their relationship was “meant to be”. According to my son, my awesome daughter retorted, “Dad, I though MOM was your high school soulmate? What happened there?”
I love my sassy daughter who speaks her mind!
When I found out it was the “massage ladies” taken care of business (he never asked me, because it’s not as dangerous) my response was:
“Those poor, poor girls having to jack you and every Harry, DIck, Tom off. Must be like plucking chickens, after 100 men or so a week you get real good at it and then you have to go home and feed the kids.
“What a lousy job.”
His jaw dropped.
Background: after he left me for same woman (within 5 months after 1st Dday, attempt at “reconciling” etc), after i had to sell our family home and move away because OW was in our community and would not stop going to my gym (she had one near her house), after I had revived my decimated college freshman daughter, after i lost his health insurance due to divorce and have a chronic medical condition…
my retorts aren’t of CL’s witty ilk, but strung together, i think they show i am on the road to Meh. Thank God.
within first year after divorce…
while still seeing the other woman after our divorce, one email from him
XH: I wish we were talking.
ME: what on earth would we talk about?
XH: no reply
another email from him…still seeing OW
XH: I regret everything
ME: what do you regret?
XH: no reply
another email …still seeing OW
XH: i wish we could meet
ME: i cannot meet with you while you are still seeig her
XH: no reply
recent email from him…
we are 1.5 years post divorce and i have been no contact 6 months except financial stuff
XH: how are you? in subject line (i did not open email)
ME: please pay your part of cell phone bill, it is behind; In reply to your question about how i am…i do not know how to answer that question
DDay discussion.
Cheater: “I told YOU. It JUST happened. I fended her off as long as I could. I was defending US, defending you and me AGAINST HER!:
Me: Then what, she held a gun to your head and raped you?”
Ugh, I got that too. “She wouldn’t take no for an answer!” Oh, so she came to your hotel room and raped you?
DUH!! didn’t you know? She kept raping him over and over and poor babies were so traumatized by all of that..Those wicked skanks are horrible! They don’t take no for an answer and poor guys were so defenseless and those nasty bitches forcefully gave them blow jobs, made them have intercourse without their will. What were they suppose to do you know? They had no choice…
They do have interesting definitions of what they “had” or were “forced” to do.
He also said, fiercely, “I am FIERCELY loyal to you, Margaret [mylastname]!!!” Ha ha what’s his definition of LOYAL.
Yeah mine said about the first MOW, that she was relentless, she wouldn’t let up, he kept ignoring her, she was stalking him, on the phone, at work, he wanted nothing to do with her and every time and only reason he answered her phone calls to tell her to “stop calling me” and when he missed her call, he just called her back to say “stop calling me” lol, so one day he agreed to meet her in a parking lot and to talk about it and he just went there to tell her that he wasn’t interested in her at all, to leave him alone but somehow they just kissed, one time and tried to show me the phone call logs, but when the story didn’t add up and idiot mixed the phone numbers, it was her house, land line. He went to her house to just talk and they just kissed LOL :)))) and whatever she says is a lie, she would say they fucked just to break us up because she is a lying bitch (no he is the lying man-whore bitch!) AND yep he was loyal to me and only me and always has been. Now that makes me laugh and what a stupid dbag this loser really is!!
Gems from exchanges with my cheater:
Him: I got blindsided when you kicked me out.
Me: Blindsided, really? You’re a 47 yo intelligent man who should know the consequences of an affair.
Him: You act like there is a time frame on us working through this and you get frustrated that things aren’t progressing fast enough.
Me: You specifically looked for an apartment with a 6 month lease because you wanted to reconcile as quickly as possible. YOU are the one that set the time frame, not me.
Him: You embarrassed me by yelling at me in the parking lot. People were looking at us.
Me: You asked me to meet you under false pretenses and it upset me. I may have embarrassed you in front of a few strangers who won’t remember it but it’s a small price for you to pay given the embarrassment you have bestowed on me and our daughter.
Him: I feel that counseling was bait to get me to sign everything we have over to you.
Me: Yes, I wanted you to cheat so I could make you go to counseling, admit more affairs and then force you to sign everything over to me. I’ve been planning this for longer than you’ve been cheating. Makes perfect sense.
Him: I miss you so much. I’m so lonely.
Me: I doubt that you are that lonely.
There’s plenty more that I just can’t think of right now.
Two more things my cheater said thru the mediator:
Mediator to Me from Him: He says you have a higher future earning capacity than he does.
Me to the Mediator: What? He already makes X more than I do. If I could make more money, don’t you think I would already be. What a stupid statement – what’s he basing that on?
Mediator: He’s trying everything he can.
Me: Perhaps it’s based on the fact that he’s screwing co-workers and he’ll likely get caught and get fired so then I will be earning more than him.
Mediator to Me: He says you took X amount out of the joint savings to pay your attorney’s retainer so he’s owed half of that back.
Me: Yes I did. And how much did he spend wining and dining his affair partners and on prostitutes over the years? That’s likely comparable to his half of the money I used.
Mediator: Good point.
Actual conversation:
Him: “She feels really bad. She would like to talk to you.”
Me: “(Derisive laugh.) It is not my job to assuage her conscience.”
Him: “no! that’s not it.”
Me: “Of course it is! You are both emotional vampires. You can’t feed off of me anymore.”
He then moped away mumbling something abput her knowing I wouldn’t want to talk to her…you know because I am not a big enough person, right?
When i found out her AP was the same age as my daughter, 20 yrs old at the time, i told her, “it really must piss you off that you didnt meet him two years ago. He could have taken you to prom.”
Ewww. But great come-back!
Here’s one of my favorites told while when he was explaining how it started with the OW:
ExH: “Oh, well, she just got into bed with me and forced a situation. What could I do?. Ask Joe (his best friend). He knows.” (They were all on a business trip.)
Me: “So, are you telling me, she raped you?”
ExH: Shocked look. “Well, No.”
During the last 9 months of false reconciliation my then-husband and I were living seperately and he was was getting deeper and deeper into (what I now know is) an EA with a woman he was Board Members with – I chatted with her and her husband at several Gala affairs. 2 weeks after I decided we should divorce I walked into a restaurant to see my husband and her canoodling. I walked right up to them and said a polite hello, my then-husband said “Oh, I didn’t know you come here…:” I said “Clearly.”
Then I turned to her and said “So, I know where my husband is tonight… where’s yours?”
Her: “Oh, you know, home with the kiddos”
Me: “Hmm, yes, where a good father would be! Enjoy your evening.”
And I waked away. When I sat down at my table, my legs were shaking.
Good for you!!! I don’t know that I could have done that!
During the affair, XH told me he had to have one because he was so miserable with me, that he was miserable during our 10-year marraige, that I was the cause of his misery and that, if it wasn’t for me, he could have true love and happiness.
After I filed for divorce, he begged me to come back, saying he was “miserable” without me.
I said, “Hmmm. That’s funny, I thought you were miserable with me. Make up your mind–are you miserable with me or without me?”
In our only post-DDay conversation, Jackass tried to convince me that his FB page, wherein he and his married neighbor Schmoopie with three kids were communicating, actually dated back to the previous year, prior to Schmoopie contact–in spite of the clear date “September 17, 2013” right there on FB, next to the profile picture of his one friend, Mrs. Schmoopie Cheaterpants.
These words just popped right out of my mouth, no thinking required: “You lie and lie and lie and lie.”
Mine said, “But she is not like you (meaning feminist/driven/educated), she is a good old fashion girl… ” I said there is a name for a good old fashion girl like her, “Slut”.
It’s funny how these narcissist male cheaters think they want a smart, successful, educated woman (whether she has a career or is a SAHM). That seems attractive, I suppose, as it adds to their “impression management” with others. But women like that expect a man to pull his own weight as a partner, when the narcissist has no interest in partnership–only kibbles and cake. So off they go, looking for someone less educated, less attractive, less ambitious, not an equal. And when the “good old fashioned girl” (eh, “slut”) feeds the narcissist a lot of cake; when she comes with a husband to cuckold, lie to, betray and deceive; when they get to sneak and plot and feel powerful for getting away with their deceptions, then the less attractive person has a veneer of desirability. Not so much once the truth is out and their pitiful choices are laid bare (pun intended) for all to see.
He has two master’s degree’s and a PhD from some very prestigous universities. I have a masters degree and ditto… She graduated from high school, lives in the same town she has always lived in, and dresses her little dogs up in elf outfits so they can have their picture taken with Santa…and has only been to one parade in her life as she proudly exclaimed in the local newspaper. I kid you not.
My kids have yet to meet her but I am thinking that this is not going to go well. Especially with my driven, ultra feminist, well educated, world traveling and very accomplished daughters. That apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, that would be me, the mother tree. Sooo… stay tuned sports fans…
My MRA kids had a field day with the scumbag OM.
Hypergamy in XW wanted an alpha. boy( a guy I could easily kick the li I g shit out of).
I have two daughters and I always wonder how I’m going to handle the whole feminism vs. traditionalism question, particularly if I ever leave my husband. I was raised a traditionalist and lived it nearly to the letter. (I’ve only been with one man, my husband. I tried my best to support his career choices until it became very apparent that he struggled to keep a job. My career far outstrips his, though I think we might have found a way to get him into something that suits his personality… I rarely turn down sex with him and try to do things that he enjoys. I cook, etc.) While the values I live by feel very natural to me, I also see them as the source of much emotional pain. I still can’t disentangle myself from him and I doubt I’ll ever be able to recover if we do divorce. Incidentially, I see the same dynamic with a traditionalist man that I knew growing up. He married a histronic freak and he can’t let her go even though he knows better.
Point is, what’s the balance? I don’t want my daughters to be mistrustful of men, but there’s so much usery from both genders I’m afraid to send them into the world believing the way I once (still?) did. Also, the whole MRA movement has been the bane of my existence, as my husband has recently discovered it and used their suggestions to further emotionally abuse me. I have no doubt that he’ll use their counsel against me if we ever divorce and I’ll be too much of a soppy-brained emotional mess to do anything about it.
Why can’t men and women just treat each other decently? I don’t freaking get it and I probably never will. :-/
This is my situation exactly. H loved to brag about me to friends and family because it made him look good. However, he needed to cheat with someone less educated and intelligent to make him feel like a “rock star” (his words)…
Same. She was “embarrassing and wore cargo pants to business meetings. I could never be seen alone in public with her.” Bouncing naked in hotel rooms, no probs. He needed validation and admiration and respect for doing nothing that merited it. So dumbass ow, not very bright, gave it to him. Now nobody respects or admires him. And there are 2 devastated families.
Word. The bizarre word salad of devaluing was that I was “too decisive, too intellectual and too good at too many things. And so negative.”
“Was I negative at first? You say that about all your past partners.”
“No. You were fun. She’s fun, she’s lighthearted and positive.”
“So maybe you need to ask yourself why every happy woman you touch ends up so negative.”
So he actually seemed to be arguing the merits of a wishywashy, helpless fuckup who gets evicted from apartments and whose last resume highlight before whoring up the bank was a retail service counter. And teeth so crooked she keeps her mouth shut in every photo. And greasy acne pitted foundation spackled skin. And would fuck with a married man. She’s a gem, I tell you!
“greasy acne pitted foundation spackled skin”
yep, like my cheaters first MOW/ho-worker, that would be her thus I call her the “butterface”
Cheater (on D-Day, justifying affair): I thought we got divorced a year ago.
Chump: How did I miss the divorce summons for a year? Silly me for searching for jobs, houses, and schools for the kids in your new city and then a few months later helping you move back to our home in original hometown, all while we were ‘divorced.’
OW (drunk-driving habitual homewrecker): We all have a dark side.
Chump (referring to prostitutes purportedly walking only on the shady side of the street in 19th century): Some of us choose to walk on the sunny side of the street.
One afternoon while xH was at “work” again, I began to mow the lawn, since I was, after all, the man AND woman of the house. He returned, guilty, and weakly offered to finish the mowing. I refused. He sneered at me, “You broke a sprinkler head.” I fixed it, like I always did. I looked him straight in the face and said, “SHE makes you feel like a reeeeeeal man, doesn’t she? And I remind you of what you REALLY are.”
Bitch.
That’s what I was married to. I bet Twat Troll loves her a good coward who pays the bills.
He said to me, all humble and shit, “I think I’m going to start going to church” (like his whole hypocritical, faux Christian family). I looked him dead in the eye and said, “No, you don’t need a bunch of bible thumpers telling you that Jesus forgives you. You need to find a therapist who will tell you what a piece of shit you really are and I guarantee that person will start to look like Jesus to you!”.
Ha! Three months into the divorce process, my ex complained that I “abandoned” her to pay rent on her own.
I replied, “I pay just about the same amount as you, and yet I’ve managed just fine. Do I want to be paying this much? Of course not, but that’s the breaks when you have to divorce your lying, cheating, manipulative ex-wife: your wallet also takes a hit. …
You caused this. Someday, you’ll have to accept that.”
And, as CL says, six months later, my ex still hadn’t accepted that.
I wouldn’t ever expect my ex-wife to admit she did something wrong. A decade later and she still won’t admit she had an affair.
Of course, OMW and I compared notes, so we know differently.
I simply don’t trust her, and I usually don’t say any more than that. I’ve not heard from her in over a year now since I put it so succinctly. No clever comeback, just a simple, “I don’t trust you. You’ve never done anything since you had your affair to prove you are worthy of my trust.”
“And if you thought of the perfect thing to say seven months later, you can include that too.”
Okay, I’ll play. My mind was too obliterated for months following my D-days to connect words cleverly, but here are some IMAGINARY retorts to real statements by the She-Beast:
HER: I’m committed to counseling and reconciliation, but I can’t guarantee that my relationship with [one of the affair partners] is over.
ME: You clearly don’t understand the word “committed.” That’s kind of the problem.
HER: I’m not defined by my relationships.
ME: Right. You’re defined by your whoring and lying. You lying whore.
HER: My mother said I shouldn’t even try to reconcile because she doesn’t think you’re capable of forgiving.
ME: I never questioned your pedigree as an evil bitch.
HER: You can be sure I won’t do this again because it hurts so much to be apart from such a wonderful person [one of her affair partners].
ME: You have my heartfelt condolences. And by condolences I mean petition for divorce.
HER: You’re so independent that I didn’t think you needed all of me.
ME: Good, because I just figured out I don’t need any of you at all.
good ones, Nomar.
post-divorce
EX: “I would really like you to consider my living in your basement.
ME: “Wouldn’t that make you feel uncomfortable when I have a male guest over for the night?”
Crickets
EX: “Are you bringing someone to our son’s engagement party?”
ME: “Yes, and your invitation will include guest, so you are more than welcome to bring a date as long as it is not VaJayJay.”
EX: “I can’t believe you would think I would be so insensitive to bring OW.”
ME: “Well, how would you rate bringing OW to a family party vs. imploding your family to be with OW? I think on a 1 to 10 scale I would rate bringing OW to the party a 3 compared to the implosion of life as we knew it. You were willing to leave me and the kids for her, so, yes, I do think you can be insensitive.:
Crickets again. Badabing!
On Halloween morning, while I was rocking my super-sexy Black Widow costume (he had his eyes all over me), I asked him what he’s going to be. He said, “A vampire.” I said, “That’s not really much of a stretch for you, is it?”
The OW’s name is Dawn and she’s not all that smart. XH has pretty much admitted that she’s on the dumb side. At one point I said, “She’s really not the brightest Dawn in the heavens now, is she?” It must have stung, because when I tried to talk him into reconciliation later on, he refused, “because you were mean to Dawn and you made fun of her.”
A few days ago, XH said (in reference to me posting at CN), “At least you have support! I’ve had to go through this all alone!” I texted back, “Oh, you poor baby, this has all been such a terrible ordeal for you, hasn’t it?” Pity party denied.
Finally, I’ve lost it and told him a few times, “F*** you and the whore you rode in on.”
Then added:
“And just so we’re clear: the whore is Dawn.”
Last one: I’ve told him, “I understand that you don’t like me calling Dawn a whore, but I didn’t like you f***ing her, and that wasn’t enough to make you stop, so why should I?”
OW in my situation is also really dim. Cheater cowards get big chubs for dumb chicks, because it’s like an instant IQ raise for them without any effort. And that is fucking brilliant!
After I was told he found someone else and didn’t want me to ruin it this time I found a receipt for a hotel. A week after I confronted him I guess he discussed it with his whore and the explanation was that he was tired and couldn’t drive home. I responded that his phone records indicated he made the reservation the day before!! Their love is so profound and laughable. Talk about idiot quotient! They will go far!