Yesterday, chumps pointed out that post “Don’t Date This Person” had a glaring omission — Jesus cheaters.
Could anything be more narcissistic than thinking you speak for God?
I realize the other major world religions have their versions of Jesus Cheaters too. Christianity doesn’t have the market cornered on hypocritical douchebags. But that said, I do think the New Testament lends itself to a certain sort of spackle that the disordered love to exploit.
So — you asked for it — here are the Jesus cheaters!
Phillip Forgiveness — God has spoken to Phillip and forgiven him, so I think you should too. Phillip forgives himself! So what’s your problem? He prayed on this! We’re all good! I think you need to cast out the demons of bitterness and get over it. Jesus told Phillip that’s what Jesus would do.
Holier Than Holly — Holly has slept with half the choir and most of the finance committee. She doesn’t understand why God made you so ugly that you can’t keep your man. She’s just trying to sustain these men from the affliction of your inadequacies. Holly considers herself a saver of marriages, really. If it weren’t for the Wake Up Call of Infidelity to make you realize how much you suck, you never would’ve tried to improve. You can thank her. I think you should.
Deacon Dan — Don’t let the sweater vest fool you. Dan’s a pervert.
Martyre Martha — You weren’t meeting her emotional needs. But Bob on the liturgy committee, he understands. You have such a dirty mind! They went to that hotel for BIBLE STUDY. Martha is a SPIRITUAL person, unlike you. Of course you wouldn’t understand because you’ve never wanted her to be happy. You’re jealous of her relationship with God… and Bob.
Ezekiel Love Bunny — Ezekiel would like a hug. And another longer lingering one. Maybe a kiss? Hey, Ezekiel is just that kind of guy! Friendly! Would you begrudge someone FRIENDS? You’re so withholding. Can Ezekiel help it if people like him better than they like you? Maybe it’s because you’re so uptight. You should work on that. He’ll be sending you some scripture to meditate on while he’s out with his “friends.”
Amazing Grace — God saved a wretch like her. Was she stealing opiates from sick people? Did she lift your wallet? Well, that’s all in the past. Why won’t you put her on the finance committee? Are you going to hold those youthful embezzlement charges against her? That was THEN. Before God’s grace! Don’t you believe in Grace?
Willy We’re-All-Sinners! An emotional assassin whose weapon of choice is the false equivalency. Did Willy cheat? Well you don’t load the dishwasher right! We’re all sinners. Ye without sin cast the first stone. You make mistakes too and we’re all equal before the eyes of God. Did he mention how much you SUCK at loading the dishwasher? Because you do, but he was too much of a Christian to mention it before.
Oh, lordy – your “Holier than Holly” hit the twatwaffle on the nose!
My OW was the cantor in the church choir where Big Chief Dumb Fuck played trumpet every Sunday, who had screwed around on her first husband, who divorced her pronto. She Found the Church, and decided to save my ex. From both me and from the neighbor around the corner who was also screwing Dumb Fuck.
She is more than welcome to him.
My husband is not a Jesus cheater, but a few weeks ago, he did say God was alright with his cheating after I asked him about his behaviors and what God would say about them.
I can’t believe the vocalized stupidity these cheaters vomit. They will say anything to minimize their actions, thoughts, and behaviors.
OMG!!! One of the first things I told my therapist was how my EX used to yell at me for leaving the oven mitts on the counter; and, after I put all the dishes in the dishwasher – he would immediately follow me into the kitchen and, along with just enough noise to assuredly be heard – rearrange all the dishes in the dishwasher.
My ex used to re-fold his underwear after I did the laundry.
Honestly I think there’s a connection between cheaters and OCD (like the crazy spreadsheets!). My cheater was obsessed with sorting the recycling. Before I was with him my kids and I dumped it all in the recycling bin but Cheater had 4 or 5 separate containers and was adamant it MUST be done that way! My kids went on a school field trip where they saw it all got dumped into a giant vat before being sorted anyway. That was only one of his many “Rules” for our existence on this earth. So glad he’s gone.
I think you are right about the OCD thing Margaret. I’m not sure how it relates to people’s willingness to cheat on their spouses, but OCD is a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder. I’m not always down with the DSM psych categorizations, but in some ways they point to truths about people that maybe were not easily recognizable before. The most glaring symptom of BPD is a debilitating sense of insecurity about who you are. In other words, BPD personalities don’t feel (consciously or unconsciously) that they have a stable sense of self, so they look to others to define them and give them a sense of subjective stability. But this is very tenuous, so as soon as anything about their current relationship changes, or if the person who defined him/her goes through a tough time, they immediately panic and seek self-definition elsewhere — thus the cheating and the refusal to accept blame or express sorrow and regret (I’m sorry I hurt you, but I don’t regret the affair because it helped to define me again; I had lost my sense of purpose and meaning etc. etc). I guess the solace in all of this is that no affair is really the fault of the non-cheating spouse, at least with BPD types. It’s more about them and their own fundamental insecurities, their seeming inability to find an identity that they can feel comfortable in. I think OCD relates to this as well — they seek patterns of identity reassurance that often come in the form of neurotic rituals that assure them that everything is as it should be. BPD types also hurt themselves — cutting, bulimia, risky behaviors (cheating), etc. They try to “out” their own feelings of guilt or shame or self-doubt by indulging in self-destructive behaviors that will externalize their inner pain.
Charles…Wow. I think you are on to something here. My cheater was definitely OCD. Would methodically rearrange the dishes in the dishwasher, alphabetize the soups, spend hundreds of hours researching appliances to buy, go to 50 stores, canvassing three states. I thought it was strange but harmless. He would ONLY wear black clothes and they had to be washed the minute he took them off. They had to be folded and hung a certain way in his closet so of course I left that all up to him. He has cheated on every single wife and girlfriend he has ever had.
Syringa: That’s nuts! Did he ever hurt himself on purpose? I suppose cheating is a form of self-sabotage. It seems like OCD would be a sort of psychological cage from which you would desperately want to free yourself. What better way to escape the hell of your own mind than to find another fresh person to temporarily liberate you from yourself? That’s the only way I can understand it. I don’t claim to be completely free from all neuroses, but I think I’m healthy-ish — and I can’t relate to any of it. Cheating is one of those things that I could never do. Maybe I am OCD in that I keep reading up on this stuff in a desperate attempt to understand what my wife has done.
Wow, my cheater’s OCD wasn’t as extreme as Syringa’s. But I was not allowed to put the groceries on the counter at the grocery store, EVER, over 16 years because only he knew how to do it “right.” Not allowed to drive my own car when we were going somewhere together because he “wasn’t comfortable being a passenger.” He always complained about “the chaos” caused by things most people would view as minor inconveniences. So whether BPD or NPD or a little of both, there were definitely issues.
And, Charles, you are really onto something when you say: “or if the person who defined him/her goes through a tough time, they immediately panic and seek self-definition elsewhere.” Things got really hard for Cheater Ex when I developed a chronic medical condition in 2012 that almost disabled me and kept me from working (and supporting him). So, though he had actually been cheating from day one (which I learned six months after he moved out), now, in real fear that his stability and gravy train might end, he began pursuing current OW as a replacement for me rather than a side piece of ass.
My therapist helped me to see that I gave away control of our existence to Ex to placate him, make him happy, and prevent narcissistic rages (walking on eggshells). It goes way beyond being organized, when it’s a frantic attempt to control all facets of life and other people’s behavior lest the chaos drive you mad.
Charles….My XH didn’t hurt himself on purpose but he certainly anesthetized himself with alcohol. He would get hurt while drunk.
He would also ruminate over things and go over instructions carefully with me over and over to make sure I ‘got it.’ Everything had to be just ‘so.’
I’m no expert on personality disorders, but I believe my ex showed signs of borderline and histrionic disorders.
One thing I never paid much attention to was that she was bulimic prior to our relationship, maybe during. When we discussed it, she consistently said that it gave her a feeling of control. She was brought up in a very chaotic, unstable and conflict heavy environment, that was how she coped. Along with other unhealthy behaviors. It makes no sense to me, but that’s how their mind works. It doesn’t absolve her of her actions, but part of me does feel sorry for her.
I have OCD and it is ABSOLUTELY not part of Borderline Personality Disorder.
This is upsetting and false, especially to those of us who struggle with actual OCD and then we get the shit sandwich of infidelity.
There is a different disorder- OCPD- an unrelated disorder which I sure hope is what was meant.
I relinquished the dishwasher loading duties many years ago bec my STBX was so particular about how things went in. Ain’t nobody got time for that!
If only my ex had been OCD neat! He was OK at first but he got very nasty the last few years. He trashed the house regularly and his only contribution was to occasionally vacuum or do laundry, the latter consisting of leaving the clean clothes in the dryer. I could spend hours cleaning the kitchen after he’d trashed it and he’d come in and destroy it in 20 minutes then refuse to clean up. He literally dropped trash on the floor in front of the trashcan. If he spilled something, he just left it wherever. I think it became a power trip for him; to force me to clean up when I couldn’t stand it any longer. I so love that the only messes in my house now belong to me..
Dat, mine was actually very neat and didn’t mind helping to keep things that way. There was only one time that he was a real arse about it – he had a cup in the bathroom that used for mouthwash, water, etc. One day, I asked if he would mind taking it downstairs to the dishwasher and he looked at me like I was crazy. Then he took it and put it in the bathroom cabinet and said – ‘there – I just won’t use it anymore.’ WTF – in 24 years of marriage, I one time asked him to carry his own cup down to the dishwasher and he responded like that? This was about 6 months before DDay. When he was packing his stuff to move out, he pulled the cup out of the cabinet and I reminded him of what he had done/said. He shook his head and said he was a real d!ck. But he left the cup. So when I packed the rest of his shit up for him, I put that cup in the box too, simply as a reminder for what good it will do.
Before anyone beats me to the punch… this calls for a video. Hayes Carll’s “She Left Me For Jesus.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hhkHG-oKCEU
Or Iris DeMent’s cover of “God May Forgive You (But I Won’t)”
“God may forgive you, but I won’t
Yes, Jesus loves you, but I don’t
They don’t have to live with you and neither do I
You say that you’re born again, well so am I
God may forgive you, but I won’t
and I won’t even try”
LOL! Love it!!
I found cards that the f-tard wrote, but couldn’t ever finish and give to the whore married OW. They were EXACTLY the same shit he’d write in all my anniversary, birthday & mother’s day cards (yeah – no originality at all – dumbfuck. Just “new” to the whore).
In one of the he wrote how “God doesn’t make mistakes…blah, blah, puke, vomit.” When I confronted him about the cards a few days post DDay last Oct., I said, “You know, I read some of your lame-ass cards to that whore – which happens to be the SAME shit you always write to me, but one thing stands out. Your right!! God DOESN’T make mistakes (as I held up my ring finger with my wedding band sticking up at him like a middle finger…) YOU’RE the one who’s made the ‘mistake’ thinking a married whore who schemes and deceives her husband and family is worth more than everything you have! Dumbass!!”
Response? N O T H I N G. Bug-eyed silence.
Huh. Didn’t think about it that way.
Stupid whore f-tards!! ALL of them!! SO glad this is finally almost over for me. 24 years WASTED on a bastard.
Made me think of “I pray for you” Here’s my post about that: http://www.divorceminister.com/what-does-forgiveness-look-like-when-your-adulterous-ex-spouse-is-unrepentant/
My favorite is Ashton Shepard “Look it Up”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1kT4u_D5PA&ob=av2e
And I love Lyle Lovett (formerly Mr. Julia Roberts) God Will (but I won’t)
Love this one!
I <3 Hayes Carll- that is all!
Phillip Forgiveness is my man. He went to confession. It’s in the past. There was no other woman. Huh?
OMG! my cheater compared his cheating to me not loading the dishwasher or folding his underwear correctly. I got the “i am forgiven, so you need to too” or “you MUST forgive and FORGET” run around. One morning the preacher gave a sermon about how that “forgetting” just is not realistic, especially for deep wounds like adultery. I almost stood up and cheered! It is like you have a sixth sense ChumpLady!
Ah yes – comparing the cheating to bad dishwasher loading and laundry skills. I got that too.
Didn’t you know there is a secret eleventh commandment? – Thou shalt not place a bowl on the bottom rack.
I actually got some much needed support from an anti-Jesus cheater. When I was feeling terribly guilty about divorcing Manslut, a close friend and devout Christian quoted a biblical passage about how adultery is the *only* reason God permits for divorce. I sure needed to hear that then. (Sorry, but the chapter and verse allude me.)
The ironic part? Now, a few years later, she is going through a divorce due to her husband’s man slut behavior – picking up women in bars for one night stands with the “my wife doesn’t understand me” line. Blech! So unoriginal.
Matthew 19:3-9 (NIV): Some Pharisees came to [Jesus] to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?” “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” “Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?” Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
The Bible takes adultery very seriously and always puts the blame for the sin of adultery on the adulterer, never on the betrayed spouse (not sure they had a concept of “chump” back then). One of many reasons that Jesus cheaters are a particularly disgusting brand of cheater.
So I had attempted to discuss with my exH how seriously God takes the sin of adultery (he claimed to care what God thought at the time…) and how even God allows for divorce in the case of cheaters. At that time, he was just feeding the bullshit that we had “drifted apart” and he “wasn’t happy and needed some time and space to think…” So exH INSISTED…SWORE ON HIS LIFE AND OUR CHILDREN’S LIVES…that he never cheated. He even said, “What? You want me to go f*** someone else just so we can get divorced?”
About two months later, after leaving the country (you know, for thinking…), he calls and tells me he has news “that he knows I’ll like”. That happy news was that he was cheating on me during our whole 10 + year marriage and was planning to marry the OW..in 2 weeks (yeah, we were still married). That was the good news. And the reason I needed to be happy and grateful to hear that? Now, based on scripture, I could get a “God honoring divorce” and be allowed to remarry someday. So you see, we was just doing me a favor and being all loving in a godly sort of way. What a champ
So I had attempted to discuss with my exH how seriously God takes the sin of adultery (he claimed to care what God thought at the time…) and how even God allows for divorce in the case of cheaters. At that time, he was just feeding the bullshit that we had “drifted apart” and he “wasn’t happy and needed some time and space to think…” So exH INSISTED…SWORE ON HIS LIFE AND OUR CHILDREN’S LIVES…that he never cheated. He even said, “What? You want me to go f*** someone else just so we can get divorced?”
About two months later, after leaving the country (you know, for thinking…), he calls and tells me he has news “that he knows I’ll like”. That happy news was that he was cheating on me during our whole 10 + year marriage and was planning to marry the OW..in 2 weeks (yeah, we were still married). That was the good news. And the reason I needed to be happy and grateful to hear that? Now, based on scripture, I could get a “God honoring divorce” and be allowed to remarry someday. So you see, we was just doing me a favor and being all loving in a godly sort of way. What a champ.
About 3 months after DDAY, my cheater was running around to Target to buy school supplies. I stupidly asked him what he was doing. He said, “I went to church last Sunday while you were out of town and they need school supplies for needy children.” This from a man that had never bought a pencil for his own children not to mention never done anything for the church….. He “found God”. This is playbook cheater 101. I never knew God was lost. I guess I should pay more attention to those milk cartons with pictures of missing people…..
Once they get caught, they go overboard with the do-gooder stuff. My ex, always tight with a buck because he was skimming the business for his love nest, all of a sudden started tithing to beat the band. Well, makes a good tax write off! He also volunteered a lot of his time to help fix up peoples places while he passive/aggressively would never lift a finger around our place. The one that bothered me the most was his declaring that half of the steer I butchered was his, and he gave it all to the youth pastor at church who was hardly a charity case. My kids needed it more.
He robbed his own family blind and took food out of his kids mouths. His kind of Christian will make a atheist out of an honest person.
It amazes me to no end how they are so NOT sorry for their actions and then to add insult to injury, have the nerve to put God in the mix. I am the fortunate gal who during Dday and the resulting storm of an aftermath have to deal with a crazy combination of Phillip forgiveness, Deacon Dan, Martyre Martha and Amazing Grace…anything so he could feel better about the shit he put me and the kids through.
Imagine finding a sex tape with him screwing the woman he later brought into our home to babysit our children, with our wedding photos on the wall and one of our children in the background. We had a mystery some years back where there were some holes drilled in the bathroom door at our church, I later realized after seeing some other tapes that he had filmed that HE was the one who drilled the holes. In the church bathroom!? What kind of sicko did I marry? And he wants to put GOD in this? It takes a pretty twisted mind to think that God would be ok with any of this…Ugh! Ok, gonna throw up now….
My ex cheater said he needed someone to talk to…”alone”, and met his Jesus freak whom hasn’t even been married for a year, in a big empty stadium, twice. They lied about what each were doing on those days. He told his work he was sick and she told her husband she had job interviews, only for her husband to get home early on the secret second date, found his new wife missing and phoned to find out she was with my ex.
But I should just know “nothing happened, they were only talking.” And the kicker…she is such a devoted, good and kind Christian that God gave her the ability, since birth, to speak in Angle Tongue and God has since forgiven all the wrong she’s done, including fucking all the other woman’s men, we knew mutually.
My Cheater was not a Christian but he did, over the years, claim to have spoken to God or seen God when he was trekking in Nepal in his 20s, but I suspect drugs may have been involved. On D-Day he also claimed that The Universe had brought him and OW together (because it turned out she was once married to a friend of ours 20 years ago). Years ago he also claimed he had special powers and when he was a child he willed his mother to drive the car off the road by controlling her thoughts. So “special.”
On D-Day he was definitely a Willie We’re-All-Sinners. I cried and said, “I can’t believe that you would do this to me!” and he burst into tears (something he did over the years whenever his raging temper and verbal abuse made ME cry, he could always turn on instant tears to make sure HE was the victim) and said: “And I can’t believe YOU would do to ME by ignoring me all those years!” Wha??? Only a flaming narcissist could think that paying for all his food, 90% of his housing cost, doing every freaky sex act he demanded, tolerating his raging temper tantrums and STILL being a loyal, loving and faithful partner to him for 16 years equals “taking him for granted” and therefore forcing him to cheat.
Margaret–Yes!! Mine didn’t invoke deities, but did have the nerve 2 days after D-day to say “You should stop obsessing about my affair, and start obsessing about why I was unhappy with you at the time.”
Now I obsess about whether I need to get more information to my paralegal today or not.
whoa, the line about willing his mother to drive the car off the road by controlling her thoughts just sank in. Were you married to Chucky, the evil ventroliquist doll?
Tempest, close to it! He is so disordered. He believed he had special powers over other people. I personally believe that he’s a sociopath even psychopath. He said on or near D-Day, “you are looking for deep dark secrets where there just aren’t any.” Then six months later I stumbled on emails he had written 4 years earlier to previous OW setting up dates. And a month after that, bombshell that prior GF and he were still fucking for the first 7 years that he was living with me in a supposedly monogamous relationship. Then all the evidence of phone sex with men and women, pedophilic fantasies and bondage photos on his computer, more and more freaky weird stuff, but hey, why are you obsessing over these deep dark secrets? Yes, after 2 months, “I’m very worried about you because you don’t seem to be getting over this very quickly!” WTF??
The Dark Side X always referred to in his Reconcilliation poems was darker than I ever imagined. Yet there is hope! The skanky bar whore addict with an a arrest record for multiple assaults and drug charges told me she was a Christian. Applying her cheater Jesus logic to entitlement is laughable.
I’m at the point of realizing my anger and resentment toward these two fuckwits is a poor use of my energy. It’s still costing me my true freedom in reaching Meh.
Their simply an idiot and his whore. I don’t want him back and he’s out of my life forever. My anger served it’s purpose. I don’t need it anymore. I’m done.
OW was “into our Lord” and was against all kinds of things, like same sex marriage because it was “unGodly”. But she had absolutely no problem seducng my sick, old, husband because well, she “wasn’t perfect, just forgiven.” Seriously. When an old family friend died unexpectedly, she called X to “pray with him.” Can’t make this shit up! As it all came tumbling down, I called to let her know the jig was up (and the money train had left the station), but she couldn’t talk because she was in church. She sure booked it out of there when I started screaming “slut” into the phone-guess she didn’t want to disturb her fellow worshippers. Last I heard, she has left yet another church because it wasn’t following Scripture as she thought it should. No mention from her about how she gets around those pesky Ten Commandments. But then, what can be expected from a Sara Sociopath/ Moaning Mona/Drama Doris/ Intellectually Superior Irene/ Sparkles McGee/ Jesus Cheater combo? She was a every kind of messed up mix imaginable and I am so glad she (and cheater X) are no longer my concern. But I haven’t been inside a church in 4 years- too many awful memories for that.
CL, I love your blog, but this new CAPTCHA filter just doesn’t work. It is routinely rejecting comments and permits other posters to post under my monicker. Very frustrating.
It’s not me, it’s the spam filter. There’s no way around this headache, without filter site would crash. All I can do is add each person who complains to the White List (entry without the spam bouncer). Just added you. If anyone else has this problem, email me. Thanks.
Oh, and to stay on the White LIst, it’s only good for the email you posted with. You need to add each email you use here.
I’ve lost several comments after being caught up in CAPTCHA hell. Now I copy the message I’ve just written before attempting to submit it. I use Safari and I think this WP theme is wonky with it. Probably works better in IE.
As for having the same moniker, alas I can’t control that either, because WP comments don’t have a duplicate error. Other folks here (Stephanie comes to mind) changed their names. Maybe you could be TheRealViolet?
Several observations in relation to this particularly offensive character —
First — it may vary from religion to religion, but in order to receive forgiveness (which does not include forgetting all about it) the person must SEEK forgiveness by admitting to and completely accepting responsibility for the sin. Even Jesus doesn’t have a one forgiveness covers all past and future sins forgiveness policy. As one counselor pointed out to my wayward, still sinning spouse — in order to be trusted you have to be trustworthy. You have to answer all questions and be completely transparent about the wrong you have done, accept responsibility, and then STOP DOING IT. If the affair is over, you don’t still sneak out of the house and run to the 7-11 to call her and “see how she’s doing”. That is not your concern. With hindsight, I think the remorse was not over the affair and the wrongdoing, but about being caught and potentially losing 1/2 of his net worth!
Second — in today’s world, with the wonders of internet and unlimited calling and texting, cheaters can cheat on a grand scale. They can represent themselves to be upstanding men and women of God, pillars of the community etc, in their online profiles. Long Distance relationships are exceptionally vulnerable to this type of lying. Ask yourself why such a wonderful person would have to seek true love 3 states away, and can only call you during the day while he is at work — or strangely always has to work where he cannot contact you on nights and weekends. Maybe he is with his spouse and family? Hmmm!!! Maybe he is a liar???
Third — With regard to the Exhibitionist discussion yesterday — is there really any reason that your significant other NEEDS photos or videos of you in your full and naked glory? What reason would you have to NEED a dic pic, or an ejaculation video? Seriously — isn’t being intimate appropriate when you are TOGETHER, and why should any of that be put on film? This is a digital world, and once there, those images don’t go away, even if “deleted”. This rather disgusting quirk can ruin your life if images are viewed by an unintended audience. They can also be used as the price of admission to adult porn sites. A woman I worked with — certainly not cover girl model/actress material — allowed pictures and videos to be taken, and later found her pics on an adult porn site, AND someone sent copies to her children. What a wonderful mother’s day present that was! The popularity of this “pastime” eludes me, and when the children see the adults doing this — guess what? Since they are underage, they can also get criminally flagged for a “sex crime” and have to register as an offender. Really !!! Does that seem sexy to you????
Portia, modern times do make it very easy to cheat indeed. My sister was in love with a man who lived a good distance from her. Every night when he’d reach his home, because it was in the country, he lost his cell phone reception. So every night when they were chatting, the closer he got to this imaginary area, he feigned they were losing their connection and he loved her, etc. This is a man who even came with her on vacation to another state and met our parents AND they found a place in the woods where they planned their eventual wedding. The ending to this story was shocking to all decent people. He was married and still living with his wife. There were no cell phone issues. When he was found out he declared he still loved my sister, but couldn’t hurt his wife and children. You can’t make this stuff up.
Well said, Portia…..VERY well said! (on the Exhibitionist topic) This I, too, do not comprehend. And the instance you cited? Wow!! Only one example to illustrate why I will never have such a picture taken!
And your points about forgiveness, etc—Here’s a passage you (& other Christians here) will enjoy:
“Since the wrongdoing, has there been any sign of sincere repentance? Has the sinner changed, perhaps even attempted to make real amends? In God’s eyes such repentance is a key to forgiveness even in the case of truly horrendous sins. For example, God forgave Manasseh, one of the most wicked kings in Israel’s history. On what basis? God did so because Manasseh finally humbled himself and repented of his vile ways.—2 Chronicles 33:12, 13.
In the Bible genuine repentance involves a sincere change in attitude, a heartfelt regret over any wrongs committed. Where appropriate and possible, repentance is accompanied by an effort to make restitution to the victim of the sin. (Luke 19:7-10; 2 Corinthians 7:11) Where there is no such repentance, God does not forgive. Moreover, God does not expect Christians to forgive those who were once enlightened spiritually but who now willfully, unrepentantly practice wrongdoing. (Hebrews 10:26-31) In extreme cases, forgiveness may well be inappropriate.—Psalm 139:21, 22; Ezekiel 18:30-32.”
Reading these scriptures will prove just how wrong the ‘Jesus Cheaters’ are! And, I hope any who have been wronged by such ones will truly come to grips that it is all from Satan! God would never hurt anyone in this way by approving of those who claim to be his representatives while they are engaging in or condoning such filth.
Forge on, Portia….ForgeOn, all……
Brilliant post, Chump Lady. Yesterday’s and today’s posts and subsequent comments could and should be a whole separate book!
X and bimbo attend Mass every Sunday. Why the holy wafers haven’t burned holes in their tongues and ugly mugs must be another one of those mysteries of the church.
You don’t have to go to church to live the way Jesus commands. On the other hand, per the cheater’s handbook, you don’t have to live the way Jesus commands if you just punch in at church every Sunday.
They can all go to hell.
I say church is for sinners the way hospitals are for the deathly ill. Why would I want to go there? (might catch something!)
My ex was a big blameshifter, but he blamed God. He was a kind of lazy Catholic, believed in God but didn’t go to church or actually do anything. When I discovered his affair, I asked him how his integrity and religion felt about breaking a commandment, and he just shrugged and said that stuff wasn’t as important to him anymore. Then he went on to say that God had put the OW in his path and must have meant for him to be in love with two women. Why couldn’t I accept that?
My cheater blamed it on God. He told my 13 yo son that God wants him to live this way.
My ex wasn’t a Jesus Cheater but he did like to throw phrases around about how “I was too judgemental.” It also made him very uncomfortable “whenever something about infidelity came on TV because he felt like I was judging him”.
I apparently have been bestowed with mind control powers! I can control what comes on TV and I can make him cheat!!! I wonder if I could fly like superman too!?
Poor little sausage!
Hey CS! — in post DDay conversation, it turns out that I caused my former MIL’s death… really! I had no idea I was so powerful. Cough.
(In reality I was the only one int he extended family advocating for a gerontologist, a geriatric social worker and all the other caregivers she needed.
Her husband was a predatory sinister minister, and they worked (taught) overseas, so it was really rough. (Turns out cheating is a common sport in the Foreign Services, too…2 year postings, exotic locales…)
Cheaterssuck: doesn’t it seem like cheaters often can’t stand to accept the brutal fact that they gutted their spouses? I feel like my wife can’t acknowledge her guilt because it would be too painful. She is incapable of going to that place psychologically. So they want to be “clean” again, but that can never happen — it fosters in them a sense of paranoia, like everything you (the one who is cheated on) do is somehow about trying to get them to accept blame or feel guilt. They desperately want to minimize that, so they play the blame shifting card. They repeat the blame shifting so often, both in their minds and in what they say that eventually they may come to believe it, thus freeing themselves from the pain of self recrimination. It’s so frustrating, but I think it might help to explain why so many cheaters seem to refuse acceptance of what they have done to the Chumps in their lives — or the children they share with said Chumps. Crazy crazy stuff that still has me reeling. Each day I wake up and can’t believe I’m in the situation I’m in — or that my wife would risk the welfare of me, our children, her own reputation with her friends and family, the life we have built together for 16 years, for a man who seems very clearly to be an unattractive loser without two pennies to rub together.
“gutted their spouses”–that is a perfect description, Charles.
However, I’m not sure that the reason they refuse to apologize or acknowledge their guilt is because it would be too painful. I think it’s about power–an apology gives up your power and gives it to the person you’ve wronged. The only time they can do that is when the cost to them for NOT apologizing is too great (and since the apology is strategic rather than heartfelt, they can walk it back later & blameshift to win back their power). My cheater’s apologies were always 11th hour (throughout the marriage, when I threatened to leave, he would buck up), and walked back later to one degree or another.
That’s probably true Tempest. I guess I’m still trying to leave a window open for my wife to redeem herself, even if only in my own mind. But she is also very concerned about power dynamics. When I found out about her affair and confronted her the first thing she said was “Oh my God, you will always be able to hold this over me!!” Isn’t that a strange response?
That is an odd response–one which is consistent with maintaining the Power differential, and the “spreadsheet” notion that people brought up yesterday (in the Don’t Date this Person forum), where they are so concerned about give/take being equal.
Charles–I think you & I both need to give up on the redemption of our cheaters. I struggled with this (and, truth be told, am still struggling a little), but have finally seen that every test of redemption I have thrown at him the past 2.5 months, he has failed.
I think I will have to do that too. Right now my wife wants to act like nothing has happened, but she is still holding back, like she wants to keep the possibility of me on the table, but can’t fully commit to it. I very much want a divorce, but am terrified and guilt ridden about what will happen to my three little kids who really love their mom. It sucks more than anything to have to be in this sort of catch 22. I know that I am probably a chump of epic proportions, but it feels selfish not to be willing to sacrifice my happiness for that of my children. I think about it every second of every day, and it’s driving me insane. But you’re right Tempest. My wife keeps failing. I could write my own book of “stupid shit cheaters say,” or “bizarre rationalizations for barbaric behavior, said by cheaters.” Anyway, I know we have all been there, so I’ll leave it at that.
Charles, I stayed with a narc because I had 3 small children and was a SAHM. I stayed because I had 3 young adults (17-21) and knew it would impact their start as adults. I stayed because they came first. I finally decided enough was enough after 40 years. I found chump lady and started getting my ducks in a row. That’s when I discovered he was a serial cheater. The idiot wrote it down. He stopped cheating when Aids wasn’t just a gay thing. But he never stopped needing all the cookies and cake for himself. My now adult kids don’t know what a good marriage looks like. Just as I was ready to file, he had an episode and recieved a prognosis of 2-5 years to live. I feel I can’t dump him now ( no other family for him) because I am not a narc but I am a chump. Thanks to CL I now know I should have bolted years ago, I was not the crazy one. Just saying I feel your pain of catch 22.
Charles, let me tell you my story. 8 years ago, my husband asked for a divorce. I didn’t know at the time it was because of an affair, but after the initial shock, I was relieved at the chance to get out of a tempestuous marriage that was not making me happy. However, my husband then changed his mind and wanted to work things out with me.
I did not want to work things out. A friend, a clinical psychologist who had herself gone through a divorce, told me that I should stay in the marriage as my 5- and 10-year old daughters would be emotionally scarred by a divorce (hers had been). I ate humble pie and agree to work things out with my husband, for the sake of the children.
Fast forward 5 years–I am at the start of a clinical depression that will last for over 3 years, my oldest daughter is now emotionally very guarded and can’t wait to leave the house, and the youngest is showing signs of Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Why? Because having a narcissistic father who sucks a lot of the joy out of life, lashes out verbally at the rest of us, and is sporadically mean to his family, has taken its toll.
I wish I had left. My daughters would have been healthier, and I would have avoided the learned helplessness that I’m still struggling with.
Now, 8 years later, I stumble on evidence of his earlier affair and use it as the catalyst to exit the marriage. The oldest daughter is out of the house at college, and even after only 7 weeks with her father not in the house, the youngest is behaving much better.
Sometimes the best thing for your children is to leave. Even if you have to share custody with your wife, at least half the time the children will be in a household with a positive atmosphere, and learn healthy conflict resolution.
Charles, when confronted for the first time, my Ex said, “oh I bet you’re happy that I cheated because now you can tell everyone!” While not the exact same as what your wife said but essentially means the same thing. They are furious that they got caught. That’s all they care about.
Losers cut from the same cloth.
Charles, how long ago was your D-day? Mine was just over four months ago and I’m still reeling, too. But last weekend I started to turn a corner, so I hope you do soon as well. I have given up thinking that my ex feels remorse or has any conscience whatsoever. I’m convinced that he is acting the way CL says that cheaters do: feeling a sense of entitlement. Don’t feel selfish for wanting to divorce your wife: you need to model to your children what real love looks like, and show them that there are consequences for acting the way she did. If you stay with your wife, you will be miserable and the kids will see that; they will never feel peace and love. And they won’t see what a good marriage looks like and may be destined to repeat that in their future relationships. Take what CL says about kids in her book to heart. It’s better to offer them a loving single-parent home than a dysfunctional two-parent one. It’s the oxygen mask principle: you have to make sure that you can breathe normally before helping others.
I discovered my wife’s affair on May 31. She kept telling me she was ending it, but as far as I know she and her affair partner continued to see each other up until about a month ago. I kept believing that it was actually over, only to discover some new evidence that it wasn’t over at all. It felt it like a sledgehammer to the head each time. I think I have PTSD now, for real. So I guess “D-day” just kept on coming for me. For a long time I obsessively read websites about how to reconcile. Have you ever seen the “marriage 180” stuff? It says you should live your life for yourself, but in essence the message is that “living for yourself” will make you more attractive again to your wayward spouse, and this will make reconciliation possible. Chump Lady is right in that most of the websites you find are geared towards keeping the marriage together, and until a few weeks ago this was my goal. This site has been really liberating for me. It has helped me to get away from the idea that somehow I’m the crazy one (for snooping, suspicion, being weirdly obsessed with monogamy when I should be more open minded, for wanting a genuine apology and sincere remorse rather than sarcasm and derision). I now see things much more clearly. Sometimes you have to realize that some people suck. I just can’t believe I didn’t see this for 16 years! I thought of my wife as my best friend, but now when I look at her it’s like seeing something hollow and utterly false. I know I will never be able to trust her again, or even really like her that much. And certainly I don’t want to have sex with her. So that means I have to move on. I know this. It’s either that or accept that life really has nothing to offer anymore in the way of romance for me, and I’m not cool with that.
Also I meant to say thanks for the encouragement Karma Express. I’m glad you’re turning a corner. It takes time to adjust to all of this stuff. The grief comes in stages, and I’m at a stage now where I can start to unravel the skein.
Hey! I am also kicking myself for not seeing my spouse for what he is: a sociopathic serial cheater with “NPD” tendencies. Had to put the NPD in quotations because that’s one of the counselor’s terms. I think he uses it so I do not become panicked.
So, my marriage-the sham of it all- will be officially 20 yrs next week. We have 4 kids. I raised the first two alone, as asshat was gone due to work and other activities as I found out in Oct 2013. The second two have seen him around more but the dude has been fully emotionally disengaged from all four, except when he needed them as props. I am a master spackler for my kids. I was in this marriage by myself. I gave my spouse everything I had with love and respect. The knowledge that I have been used for a good portion of my adult life by the one who supposedly had my back is like being gutted. I like that term, because I wasn’t schooled by my upbringing to beware of the wolf in sheep’s clothing looking to rip your heart out.
I have been alone, both physically and emotionally, nearly the entire marriage. I’ll give him the first 24 mths because it was still the sparkly honeymoon period. I have modeled to my kids not at all what I want from a committed relationship. I certainly expect to pay for therapy for them as well. In the meantime, I’m getting the hell out. I’m ok if my younger two get angry at me. I’m the sane one and this environment is toxic. My spouse, despite a yr of individual therapy, is still the same manipulative, Gaslighting fucker intent on ripping me apart in order to save his face infront of our kids.
I’m not crazy and neither are you. Our spouses have a gaping hole in their souls where a conscious should be. By saving ourselves, we are saving our kids.
Charles, I too worried about my children. I stayed. It’s the hard way X never stopped cheating. He took his young children with Bol to OW houses. The truth about cheaters is they are selfish to the core. They are willing to walk away and leave you and your children behind in a moments notice. My children are adults and wished we got a divorce. You can best take care of your children in a healthy home. Staying with her will not provide this.
My X gutted me intentionly. He wanted to maximize my pain when he found # 17. Facing the pain is the only way out. It’s better sooner than later. You deserve better as all chumps do.
Repentant Rachel. Marriage became my “idol.” So, I am “repenting” by committing adultery and divorcing my husband. You know, God told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. I am sacrificing my Isaac by cheating.Staying in this marriage would be like staying in idolatry. Aren’t I SOO noble?!
Wow, DM – that’s a twisting of scripture at a truly sickening level. When I hear stuff like that, I’m just so grateful that I an trust God to handle these folks. Prayers for you, and thank you for your insights – they are a blessing to many.
That is other level insanity.
There is just no way any cheater actually believes in God. They may believe in the Santa Claus God, who excuses silly “mistakes” like lying, cheating and coveting thy neighbors wife. Santa Claus God brings you all you pray for if you are good little boy or girl – and if you do nasty, yucky things? Santa Claus God will forgive you if you say you’re sorry!! He doesn’t expect you to follow his teachings and not do those nasty yucky things in the first place!! That is just too much to expect from good Christians like you!! Those Ten Commandments are going to be renamed The Ten Suggestions! No need to devote yourself to following them when you have Santa Claus God! He doesn’t even keep score! Well, with the exception of homosexuals and all those other groups that piss Santa Claus Christians off. They go to hell, but not us!!
Whew. Anyone who actually took the bible seriously and were devoted to their God and religion would never behave as a cheater does.
Actually, Jesus would b*tch-slap these people (think of his treatment of the money changers in the temple).
That’s what I think too. Hope I get to watch.
Of course, if it was US who cheated on THEM, they would ALL change their tune about “forgiveness” in a hurry.
Anyone wanna make a bet on that?
When mine was still in his gaslighting, “We’re just friends” phase, that’s what I told him, he would be upset if I had a “friend” like that. He claimed no, not at all, he trusted ME. I told him that’s because he knows I wouldn’t do a thing like that, and if I had a “just friend” that bothered him, I’d dump “just friend” in a minute, because I cared more about him than a “just friend.” Oddly enough, he did not deny that, and just tried to change the subject.
Mine was from category of we all are sinners. He told me that because I spied on him and ow I am even worse sinner that he was. At least he said he had a courage to openly admit having sex with her. This is after 2 years of lies behind my back.
He said that God view all sins equal and I am worse sinner because I was angry and hateful after he cheated on me when I was pregnant and after he demanded abortion so that nothing will hold him close to me. Never mind we had one child already.
He donated money online to someone who was ill with a cancer and then told me that he was a good person because he wants to help people and I only care about myself.
He also said that he would come back to me and work on a marriage but I am so hateful and will never forgive him his cheating. So it’s my fault that our family is destroyed.
And during our false reconciliation he kept contacting ow because she gave him advice on how to ask me for forgiveness and how to save our marriage. Or he wanted to make sure that she was alive because he hurt her with his actions and she ended up in hospital with heart problems and Her daughter would write him about that.
That’s the only reason.
Never mind he was planning trip to see her at the same time while he was telling me how sorry he was. He flew to see her leaving me pregnant and with a toddler 3 days after I found out that they were still in contact and kicked him out of the house. Then came back from his trip and told me it was all my fault because I pushed him and he wants his family back.
They are still together and I am still hatefull sinner. I am in piece with this.
Don’t forget Sanford the Sinister Minister…he’ll be happy to, well, “counsel” (exploit) the vulnerable members of the congregation, his graduate students at the Seminary, and of course, let us not neglect members of the choir! Anyone in a position of subordinate power is fair game. And since he’s the Apex Predator, no one can bring him down, and he feels no guilt. His flock is his to…devour.
I could probably write a book on this topic. I married a very in-your-face Atheist. He now falls under the phillip forgiveness and willy we’re-all-sinners categories. A few months after DDay, he started his first 12 step group. He explained that he was powerless over what he had done. Yes, he should have told me about his problems, but the problem itself was out of his control. He would only get better if he completely surrendered to god. He would tell me that there was something wrong with me. I must have been sick too, for being attracted to a man like him.
His new path led him to evangelical christian faith. It’s obvious that he’s annoyed and disappointed that I haven’t followed him, that I have stopped following him and believing in him. I’m left wondering if he really ever knew me at all. I don’t understand how he would think I’d be all gung ho about him further losing his mind. He flips coins and says it’s god’s way of telling him what to do. He no longer makes any decisions for himself (or so he deludes himself to believe, or simply lies to everyone about). He sometimes tries to fast (and fails) and says god instructed him to do it.
I sit back and watch with curiosity and yes, shock/confusion. It feels like I lost him twice, first from infidelity, and then from cult-think. But if I look more closely I see that he was never truly there. It’s sad, really. The deep grief I felt early on has been replaced with an emptiness and a growing sense of relief that I am one day going to have my own life back.
The OW was a new-agey Jesus cheater who wrote endless emails to her Schmoopie (Some days three or four a day and averaging 10 pages each – a real treasure trove when I found them). She was not just a new-agey enlightened, Jesus cheater, but a self-proclaimed talented writer “If you like my prose, just wait until you read my poetry!”
In one of her emails she claimed that before the affair, the first time she danced with H, God dumped “a bucket of calmness” like a “glowing light” on her telling her it was OK and appropriate to invite him into a relationship, and that when she came to our house the first time and H started taking her clothes off ”I found myself holding that glowing gem of appropriateness. I cupped my hands and held it there for a moment and looked at it. And the calm it held spread from my center to my emotions, and then to my intellect. It was OK. What was happening was ok. It was appropriate.”
In later email she described the divine “glowing light” spreading from her body “like a bomb” while she was fucking him. Must have been SOME orgasm.
Hmmm, when I found out my cheater took his ho into MY house, they got something appropriate dumped on them, all right. A “glowing gem” of a cease and desist order, shortly followed by a “bucket” of litigation, to be specific. Gah! Still can’t believe they had the utter lack of class and moral decency to do such an act.
Hmmm, I didn’t have a Jesus cheater but; he first cheated in Jamaica on a solo vacation. A year after I forgave him, we went there together. Some Jamaican guys called him “White Jesus”, he thought that was awesome and walked around telling everyone he was the son of God for the rest of the vacation. Then he constantly retold the story for a few years…He was blond, blue eyed with long hair, so I suppose that’s why they said it.
Long blonde hair? I probably would have thought Legolas before Jesus haha
God what a narc. Mine had a large watercolor painting of himself as a child, barechester and with long curly blonde locks. For years it was on the wall in his office in our house; till DDay when among other things I noticed that it was missing… surprise! he had gifted it to Schmoopie weeks before. He also had a folder on his computer with photos of himself in his 20s with captions like “Beautiful Dreamer” and “Still Waters Run deep.” Narc narc narc!
BARE CHESTED not chester oops no spell check
Dat – you crack me up! My ex had long hair for a while and blue eyes, but he got called “Fabio”….lol. Must have been quite intimidating, being married to Jesus and all….(eye roll).
Reminds me of The Arrogant Worms song “Jesus’ brother Bob” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kc5q142NFkA
Just wow! Yes, Charles, you hit the nail on my cheaters big dumb head! Fits him to a tee. When I called his new love a whore he said, “Well, Jesus walked with whores too!” And said whore texted my 16 year old daughter and said, “How can you ignore your father like this, after all he’s done. And you call yourself a Christian!” Said the ho who was married when she hooked up with my cheater and moved him into her house with her three young kids where he has been for three years and we are still not divorced! So nuts, all of them…
That takes some massive kahunas for the OW to contact your daughter & preach at her!!!! Holy sh*t!
Thankfully, my OW has been out of the picture for years, but it would have given me great pleasure to have my 13-year old unleash on an OW. The 13 yo is a mighty force to be reckoned with (and she was looking up “how to destroy someone’s life” after finding out about the OW. Not that she would really do anything…I think!).
I think this is the single biggest reason XH has not introduced his new wife to D17 or D15. She’s not OW, but she will get an earful if they ever meet…
My daughter was 16 when this mess started. she is now 19 and has chosen not to see or respond to her Dad since Jan of 2014. She really tried to have a relationship with him. Sadly, his horrible behavior toward her, (emotional/financial abuse) me and her brothers have caused her to decide to go totally no contact with him. Blocking his texts, calls, emails. He was a good Dad but not anymore…like Jesus walking with whores! So ridiculous!
Yeah my XH was/is an in-your-face atheist but Skank Woman bought him a little cross to wear around his neck which he does all the time now. We had to still work together and whenever I saw it on him I’d just do a slow burn. The MOST unlike Christ person I ever met in my life suddenly wearing a crucifix around his neck!! Somehow she made him ‘believe’ enough to start wearing Jesus around his neck. Two phonier pieces of shit never walked the face of the earth.
Can we lump the “do gooders” in with the Jesus Cheaters? My ex claims to be Christian, but doesn’t use too much God talk in all the “good” things he does. In aid of revealing how sick these people can be, I’ll tell this story that I may have posted before. About a month after D-Day, when I discovered my very feminist husband actually liked prostitutes, he put on a big show for me and his parents. He went to a benefit to help women in India who had been raised in brothels. I’m sure he thought I’d cut him slack for trying to make up for his sins. He sent us all literature, websites, etc., and asked us to donate money. His parents did. He said he did on our behalf. Sat with us all at dinner and told us all about the night, how moving it was, etc. Told me he hoped I wasn’t upset at how much he’d “given” but it was a really important night.
One month later, I find pictures on Facebook from another persons page. My reformed and repentant 44-year-old husband had taken his new 24 year old girlfriend to the event. I’m guessing he paid for everything to wine and dine her, and that’s where our money went. Now every time I think about the past, and all the times he “helped” a young mother, or co-worker in trouble, I want to vomit. I’m pretty sure he gets off on it all and wouldn’t have done it without getting something out of it.
I find the disparate thoughts of these people very interesting, but disturbing, if that’s what it is. I’m now inclined to be believe it’s a very advanced form of manipulation. I don’t think they believe one bit of what they’re saying, they just know other people might buy it. It’s probably pretty effective most of the time.
Mine fancied himself an artist and I believed him…until his “art” turned out to be painting miniature war games figures and selling them on ebay. He was awesome OCD. Every figure had its designated place in his “studio” and heaven help me if I even went in the room, because I’d get accused of moving the figures. I did wonder when he started painting things pink…that was for OW who for some peculiar reason thought liking his hobby made her his soulmate. He really was a dork now I think of it.
Imagine my glee when, after locking him out of the house (on D-day) I was able to load all his art crap in black garbage bags and deliver it to the reception desk at his office building. Oh and I passed some public garbage bins on the way there and made sure I deposited two bags of the best stuff where it belongd.
My cheater wanted very little to do with church once he started his career. He always claimed he was forced to go too much as a kid. If I did manage to talk him into going, he would cut up and talk loud and generally embarrass me. Eventually I stopped asking him to go and would patiently explain to anyone that asked how his mean parents made him go all the time as a kid and he just couldn’t stand to sit through services any more. The morning after he abandoned me, though, he send an email listing Proverbs 3:5, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding.” I took this to mean that the Lord was leading him to abandon me so I should accept it as God’s will. Made me want to punch him in the face. He ruined a perfectly good scripture for me.
Lyn, that’s one of my favorite and most comforting scriptures and I’m so sorry it feels ruined for you. I urge you to trust that the Lord is leading you to a better future even if you don’t understand how it will happen. I’ve given up trying to understand my cheater – and I’ve discovered that trusting in God is a lot more healing and satisfying than understanding disordered human beings.
Uneffingbelievable, love it! The Ten Suggestions!
I met my “Jesus Cheater” through church. I work for a church and we were building a new worship space. He was one of the plumbers working on it. He started talking to my boss and gave him a sob story about how his last wife had cheated on him and turned the whole parish against him and how he was looking for a church (should have been my first clue), but just hadn’t found one yet. So he was invited to join ours.
I sang in the choir at that time and guess who joined? JESUS CHEATER who was also a Look at me, look at me sort of guy. He ended up singing solos and duets (with me) and we ended up married. He didn’t tell me that the day before we started dating he threw out the woman that he was living with; he didn’t tell me that he had cheated on his first wife and second wife; he didn’t tell me that he loved looking at porn on the internet. Let’s just say, he didn’t tell me a lot.
When he left me for the old girlfriend that found him on FaceBook I told him that he had broken God’s Commandment on “do not commit adultery.” He said, “No, I didn’t. She’s not married. She has to be married for it to be adultery.” I wanted to hit him over the head. I said, “But you are married.” He swore it didn’t matter.
I guess graduating from Catholic School and attending 3 masses every weekend for the 10 years we were married didn’t give him much enlightenment. But, I firmly believe that if cheaters, especially Jesus Cheaters, did take in everything that they should have, they couldn’t live with themselves. They have to pretend like they actually believe the shit they spew otherwise, how would you be able to look in the mirror every day without cutting your throat?
But, I also have to say that it turns out that old girlfriend was still married to her husband. Seems that they never bothered to get a divorce after they separated. Her “husband” recently died so they are free to marry now but haven’t. I want to hunt him down and say, “You were committing adultery all of that time. Even by your own definition of it! HAHAHAHA!”
I had what could be called the “opposite” experience.
During her affair, my ex mocked me to her girlfriends that I was too traditional, as a result of my Catholic upbringing and extended family (although I’ve been an atheist during my adult life), and therefore I couldn’t handle her reasonable desire for an open marriage.
I think what she meant by “couldn’t handle” was that I calmly and patiently listened to her repeated pleas for it, and every time simply said, “No. If you want that then you have to get a divorce.”
A better husband would have agreed to this request. A “worse,” non-chumpy husband would have shut her up and kicked her out the door at the first mention of it. Looking back, I wish that I were a “worse” husband. Oh well, live and learn.
That’s bullshit. If you were “too traditional” for her then she shouldn’t have married you. If she wanted an open marriage she shouldn’t have married you. Ass.
My cheater was raised by Christian parents, very godly, just super folks. I knew them for years and it was no act. Just wonderful, kindly people who treated everyone with love and humility, and definitely taught him right from wrong. He certainly can’t claim FOO issues on that account.
And the whore he left me for? And is currently living with, even while still married? Her dad was a well-respected, very conservative preacher. Pretty sure she heard the 10 Commandments at least once or twice in her life, too.
Together they managed to knock out about 4 of the 10 in one blow….Thou shalt not lie…steal…covet thy neighbor’s wife/husband…commit adultery…
I guess as the Bible says, their conscience has been seared to the point that they cannot hear it anymore. The parents are all dead and gone, so I guess they feel like there’s no one to answer to.
That’s why I believe in the “nature” over “nurture” theory about a person’s character. Forget about the upbringing. Bad character will out itself, sooner or later, every time. And I firmly believe that in the end, God will hold both of them even more accountable because they were taught the Word from childhood, they knew better, they cannot claim ignorance.
Way back in 1978 when my ex and I were boyfriend/girlfriend he made a half-hearted attempt to propose to me but changed his mind half way through.
He and I were both brought up in RC families you see…and he suddenly remembered that the RC church are not fans of divorce.He really did that…withdrew the proposal he had started to make because if it went wrong then getting divorced might not be so easy.
Readers, I married him…we are getting the divorce.
My Jesus Cheater left me for a Seventh Day Adventist he worked with. He would stay late at work every Friday night, be gone all day Saturday for this or that “work function” that required a suit, then refuse to go to mass with us on Sunday because he was “too tired.” Yet he attended every Knights of Columbus function he could because one of his friends and work colleagues ran the group (gotta keep up that image!). Turns out he was attending Sabbath services with OW on Friday night and going to church with her on Saturday so he could spend Sunday morning in bed texting her while the rest of us were at mass.
After the divorce and our short-lived attempt at joint custody of all 3 kids, XH tried to force them to go to Seventh Day Adventist services with him.
D17 refused, saying, “I’m Catholic. I’m not the religion of whoever you happen to be sleeping with at the time. Besides, you’re not in a ‘state of grace’ in any religion. You’re an adulterer.”
That was the last weekend the girls ever stayed with him…
My ex is now a Jesus Cheater, the OW is, you guessed it, a born again christian. People like that give christians a bad name. The ex didn’t have an answer when I asked him what part of the ten commandments is difficult to understand and did he really think that attending church was going to make up for the way he has cheated and lied to me (his second wife), his past partners and his first wife.
I’m not sure if there was a category a mentioned in yesterdays post for ‘The Chameleon’, the cheater who changes his whole persona depending on the woman he is living with at the moment.
I second “The Chameleon,” AlexInAus – mine has undergone extreme an personality change with each woman he’s been with. Gross!
I wish they could explain how they took a vow in front of our families and GOD and said that they would honor and cherish us til death do us part. I was married by a clergy and I am sure most of you were too.
My exwife goes to church every sunday and bible study every thursday and she takes it SERIOUSLY. After DDay she mentioned she was driving to church in a text conversation. i said “Do you know what the bible says about adultery?”” She just ignored the question.
I believe they are not really religious. They go to church because they think it makes them appear honest or they can tell themselves that they are okay people because they go to church. Really it is fake and any real christian can see right through them. when I would go with her to church it was so weird how she behaved. When we bowed our heads while the pastor said his prayers she would sit there and rock back and forth like she possessed. It was all just an act. Like I said many times before she is a complete fraud.
Basically I believe that being religious is a way of life. its a chosen path that we try to follow the best we can. The religious cheaters just pick and chose the parts that they like and ignore the parts that condemn their behavior. Or is they can they will manipulate the bible to justify their behavior. Apparently “Thou shalt not commit adultery” doesn’t apply to them. But hey they are special right?
When I was trying to get her to move home before DDay she would tell me she is waiting for a sign from GOD to tell her if she should come home to me or stay in florida. *sigh* give me a break. I don’t think GOD want any part of that bullshit.
Perfect timing CL! My cheater has been texting me back and forth asking if we had a marriage license. Um… yes we do, moron. He now believes that due to a possible clerical error(not his wandering penis) that our marriage may not be valid. It was, there were 2 priests, tons of witnesses,and a certificate.
So now when he speaks about us, he states “when we were living together”, not “when we were married”. LOL So I have been downgraded from wife of 11 years to a room mate basically. God! I hate these freaks!
Freeatlast, that’s incredibly awful but it doesn’t surprise me. These people have to rewrite reality into narratives they can live with. Everything these freaks do makes perfect sense once you realize that their conscience has been split in two by their own appalling behavior and they are desperate to create a reality that doesn’t condemn them. Unless they are completely psychotic, they know perfectly well what they have done and how it will be viewed by friends, coworkers, their own parents, society in general. That’s unbearable so a new storyline has to be created, one that they actually come to believe. They have to hang on to delusions and self-deceptions in order to live with themselves. Reminds me of what T.S. Elliot said: “Humankind cannot bear very much reality.”
My XH wasn’t a Jesus cheater, but after DDay 2, he suddenly “found” Jesus (that milk carton thing) and started attending church after never passing through the door of God’s house for about half our marriage. The best part of all…he said and I quote, “I am looking for someone who will forgive me since I am sure you never will.” Ya think, dumbass?? I hope Jesus will forgive him because I don’t plan on ever forgiving his adulterous ass!
Mine did the same – found the Catholic church – “taking the journey” with the OW is how she put it. He also supposedly did confession with one of the pastors. I strongly doubt he told the pastor that he was cheating on his wife or asked forgiveness for being a serial cheater. Just two people deluding themselves and parading themselves around as good people with a group who have no idea who they really are. Its almost comical. As if they don’t think that God/Jesus sees right through them and knows the kind of people they really are….
Since were talking about Jesus Cheaters IMHO one of the best places in the bible to see what true repentance looks like is the thieves on the crosses beside Jesus. One thief turns and rails against Jesus saying, “If you are Christ save yourself and us” but the other criminal rebukes the first saying, “Do you not fear God, since you are under the same sentence of condemnation? And we indeed justly, for we are receiving the due rewards of our deeds; but this man has done nothing wrong.” Right there is true remorse and repentance right along side of genuine fake naugahyde remorse. The first thief is really only out to save his own skin and somehow get out of the problem he created. The second is genuine. No wiggling out of the consequences. Willing to accept full responsibility for what he did, “And we indeed justly, for we are only receiving the due rewards of our deeds”. If you have a cheater with that attitude there may be hope. If the injured spouse wants a divorce the WS lets them set the conditions, “I’m only receiving the due rewards of my deeds”. If the injured spouse wants all the details they give them no matter how embarrassing, “I’m only receiving the due reward of my deeds”. If reconciliation is attempted and the injured spouse has hurt spells on and off for years or decades later there is no condescending attitude but only understanding, “I’m only receiving the due reward of my deeds”. You get the picture. Anything else is not true repentance, period. Jesus had no comment for the first thief, nothing to work with there, but to the second who showed true remorse and repentance he offers hope and forgiveness. Most of the things I’ve seen posted are NOT this type of remorse but the “how can I get out of the consequences of my actions” remorse.
Mine wasn’t a Jesus cheater. How could he be?! He IS God. My fault for not knowing that, LOL.