The Third Annual Infidelity Valentine’s Day Contest!
It’s February and you know what that means, chumps? It’s time again for our annual Chump Lady Infidelity Valentine’s Day Contest!
During this season of love, roses, and cut-rate chocolates, it’s important to remember the less fortunate — those poor sods that wound up with our exes — and immortalize them in verse.
So send me a poem! I’m looking for either a haiku or a limerick that encapsulates your cheater experience. The winners get a signed book and a cartoon drawn of their poem. I will announce the winner on Valentine’s Day. So hey, the day isn’t a total waste, right?
To recap from 8th grade English, a haiku is a poem with 5-7-5 syllables.
I love you but I’m…
Christ, you are such a cliche
…not in love with you.
A limerick is a 5 line poem with a rhyme scheme of AABBA.
There once was a mistress named Kay
Who was a better liar than a lay
She had HPV
And now it’s with me
My husband’s clap conveys
To inspire you, here are last year’s winners with cartoons:
He thought he perfected his tricks
But cell tracking exposed him real quick
His 2 am fuck
Means he’s all out of luck
I’m done GPS-ing his dick
Not to be outdone, beendonengone gave the contest some Southern grit with a twist of karma.
Ya done went an found ya another,
Cos yer home life started to smother.
Now its yer turn to crawl,
Call Jerry Springer, y’all!
Cos I hear she’s been fuckin’ yer brother!
I will leave this post up until Tuesday but you can enter submissions until February 12. (I need some time to draw, folks.) After Tuesday, I will put a Valentine’s Day link up on the navbar, so you can keep checking in.
Chumps, I know you’ve got some bad Valentines in you. Bring IT!
Also! I am considering compiling these into a self-published book with color cartoons (all proceeds would go to the blog operating costs). So don’t submit if you don’t want to perhaps see this published some day! What better way to immortalize your cheater? (Other than with a divorce summons…)
In rehab you met Diana, your 1st whore,
Funny you went there for “Help” and got kicked out the DOOR!
Facebook was your stalking ground for girlfriend #2.
You connected with Jessica – thinking I had no clue.
Third times a charm…
Massage by Heather got you kicked out for FOREVER!!!
Protective order and all, Crazy Angela still wants you.
Some roses are red but your cheating balls are not BLUE!!!
— note: names of whores, sluts, and the guilty have not been changed. They all slept will my EX and he’s their problem now!!!! – Happy V-Day to all the FREE and MUCH better off! XOXOXO
Cheater, cheater…weasel creeper…
Had a wife and couldn’t keep her…
Put her through a living hell…
But now she’s living very well!
Good… My settlement is signed sealed and deliverd.
I also finally signed agreement with my wasband to after 6 hours of mediation, I got all that I wanted, divorce to become final on feb 20 or sooner …. So glad I made this choice and thanks to this site and all advise from family and friends I’m finally on the road to meh !!! Leave a cheater gain a life !!
There once was a husband called Trevor,
Who thought himself terribly clever.
I discovered his todger
Impaled in the lodger.
Clever Trevor is now gone, forever!
I could have written this! That is my ex’s name! Haha!
This is brilliant.
D.I.V.O.R.C.E.
The Valentine’s gift my ex gave to me
I never, ever got a gift before.
That is until the dickhead screwed his whore
Him paying me out has made the F*Wit poor.
Now that’s funny!
There once was a man named Steve
A germaphobe to the nth degree
He stuck his dick in a hooker
Every time he could book her
Could someone explain that please?
Oooooo, I love that one, bev!
Bea….what is it with the germaphobes? Mine was too, with his purple latex wearing gloves and all, yet his fuck of choice has been young strippers…..
Did they miss that part of biology… where you wash your hands whenever you come near that part of the body… or are they so up to date… they just want to sample the human micro biome. What is it with these guys.
Hooker and booker, nice rhyme scheme. 🙂
Lol! Simple and brilliant Bev!
Love that Bev!!
Bev gets my vote!
There once was an adulteress named Stephanie
To justify her cheating she had an epiphany
If I pick a fight with my spouse
And he spends the night out of our house
The same night when I fuck someone else
After getting high and inebriated
I’ll just say we were “separated”.
Wow. I thought only my resident cheater did that! When he later admitted, ‘Well, when you said you couldn’t live with me if I kept going on date sites, I decided we were separated and I didn’t have to answer to you any more’, I was dumbfounded. Funny how he didn’t have the stones to say that at the time so I could make an informed decision, or decide he should move out of the house to commemorate his new status.
Gaslit charisma,
Mystery? Nope. Light shows,
Plain narcissism.
This is nice.
After fifteen years
Twins by IVF. They’re here!
Hey, where did you go?
Familiar indeed! Only difference is my 24 years.
Ugh…so familiar a story… and nicely done!
Thought fame was calling
Left me to dance as yeti
Now you are homeless
Ok I am digging this… I might just submit several… 🙂
Oh Em was a woman so sweet
From enlarged liver to feet
A Rainbow girl, all smiles and pearls
My X thought she was so neat
An old fashion girl, it’s true
With the office men she did screw
My X was the knight, with dick oh so bright
On her broom to the future they flew
The first wife, you know, well that’s me
Was supposed to cry in her tea
Well her life turned out fine, Her friends are divine
With her children happy to see.
Em, what will the future hol’?
With disordered abusive asshole
Order that wine and drink, you are fine
Because that dick shrinks when it’s old… or cold, or crabby or tired or feeling mean or whatever…
Love it Ringinmyownbell! I am not very poetic so I love to read all of these!
“Because that dick shrinks when it’s old… or cold, or crabby or tired or feeling mean or whatever…!”
ringinonmyownbell, there is a God after all. Poetic Justice I say. 🙂
So I married a liar
Who likes to breathe fire
He fucked in a tent
Now she pays his rent
Since he can never stay hired
few more…..
He’s into BDSM
Schmoopsie has to obey him
Made her buy him a truck
Her finances he’ll fuck
Getting away, chances are slim
He says he’s a polygamist
Be grateful you made the list
Oh, how he sparkles!
You’re nothing to him but narckles
1 wife, 20 girlfriends, that’s the gist
Said our marriage was open
Told all who would listen
You believed the schmuck
Him you did fuck
He’s gone and you’re living in a basement
Love, love, love these, freeatlast!
I thought we were love struck
The whole marriage through
But it was just an illusion and the illusion was you.
Nicely done.
Elegantly done
Wow! I had forgotten this. I do believe I got busy helping to care for my sister, who was very ill, (now terminal & in her last months…weeks?) I was mainly lurking then. I went & looked at other entries & am truly humbled to have had mine selected, as there were so many worthy submissions. There is a heap of imagination, expression & skill to be had in this mighty group. Extraordinary!!! 🙂
Belated congratulations! It was an awesome poem! And I got to draw Jerry Springer. 🙂
Chump Lady, it takes real talent to get a likeness right. Totally knew it was JS
It’s not too late to claim your prize — email me! info at chump lady.com
I’m happy you had the opportunity & you did a GREAT job! I thank you & will email with my particulars. 🙂 Thank you also for the opportunity to get it off my (our) chests. Ding so is so cathartic and empowering! <3
And my limerick…
Craigslist scammers, gold-diggers, and whores
Who are looking for pervy old bores
Call my Ex.-he wants to meet ya’
He’ll get you an fiance visa
In exchange for some blow-jobs and chores
I wish we could edit these. Oops…”a fiance”, not “an fiance.”
I worked so hard to be a great spouse
But my partner was really a louse
When I meet others in tears
I say “Chump, have no fears,”
I’ve been there, done that, got the house.
Applause!!!
I got the house too! Rock ON!!
If it weren’t for
Her poor choice and low standards
I wouldn’t be free.
Nice!!
😉
Two enthusiastic thumbs up!!
Love this one StuntChump! Embodies the message of this blog!
🙂
I was married to a man child named Shawn
who never lifted a finger, and never mowed the lawn
But he was nice, or so I thought
Because we rarely ever fought.
But then he started to act strange
He dressed nicer and put gel in his hair
And it was not long when I found out he was having an emotional affair
Emotional or physical, I’ll never really know
But it was enough for me to go
and say “Oh hell to the fuck NO.”
Oooooh, I hear you LC!
I loved once, a man named Peter
I was Pumpkin, he was “Pumpkin Eater”
Before me, bed notches were at fifty
In the sack, thought he was quite nifty
and entitled. And now, known as “cheater”
(Never actually told him that before him, I’d had better… should I?)
Her body he wanted to fuck
Poor sausage, his wife was schmuck
But the joke is on you, his issues were FOO
Now you know, what we know… He SUCKS
Thanks for the grin!!!!! Love this one!
Must get this out of my system….
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You really suck,
OW, too!
She said, “You’re not the boss of me!”
And was as arrogant as arrogant can be
Found the other man by looking at the cell
Remember her eventually saying other bar trash as well
And now I divorced from her happy and free!
She thought she could help others rebuild trust.
As a “Christian” marriage counselor that is a must.
At least one affair partner on the side
Trust shattered as she lied.
And continues to angrily deny her marriage she did bust.
One day my husband announced I was old
Suddenly he treated me cruelly and cold
I felt quite bereft
And as soon as he left
I paid my son’s tuition from his car that I sold
One day my husband the strumpet did rob
When he was gone I started to sob
Now he is annoyed
He remains unemployed
Forever after he has not found a job
My husband I could no longer please
For there was nothing one could do to appease
He constantly lied
But he could no longer hide
When he came home with an infectious disease
There once was a man from NJ
Who always HAD to have the last say
He thought he had me down
So he could EA his way to town
But Mommy had HER last say, today!
Sad letters you thought would repair
The damage you did without care
I read them each once
They prove you’re a dunce
Now I’m living a life that is clear
It seems you can cheat
On an open marriage, too.
Husband’s new love did.
I am sorry I have to be blunt
XW fucked a nasty old runt
I think it was oozing
and there was some bruising
certainly did a number on her front
Their love is so great it was fated
They had cheating in common he stated.
Should I feel bereft
Now that he’s left?
Because all I am feeling’s elated.
Should I stop? Clearly I can do this all day.
No stuntchump, share away! I’m loving it!
Submit as many as you like! 🙂
Drat… I will get no work done at all…:) Next I think we should come up with lyrics for popular songs. LIke I’ve been working on the railroad…
No, Stuntchump, don’t stop, you are really good at this–as is everyone else! Will you ghost write (stuntwrite??) write one for me>>>>LOL.
Oh! I just wrote two lines in my head using the names of two of his strumpets…..
Me too… I.HAVE.TO.DO.CHORES.and TAXES
My X is not over me, although I am happy and free
My kids will soon see, his bashful, sweet other
Looks just like their mother
Bring popcorn! this creep show is free.
Literally laughed out loud from that, ringmyownbell…so perfect!
Bahahaha!! excellent!
“Bring popcorn! this creep show is free.” You guys are awesome!
His affairs weren’t the issue, you see
the problem was actually me
I didn’t know I should be happy about him dating another
I didn’t know I was supposed to be his mother
And now that I do, I am free
I wrote a similar poem a few weeks back. I’ll take another stab at it.
One two, why OW not happy no more?
Don’t like the final score. Should’ve thought about that on the hotel floor.
Three, four, is you a hermaphrodite or whore?
A mouth like a sailor, behavior to match, oh me oh my, what a wonderful catch!
Five, six, divorce is done, you got your fat boy, ain’t this fun!
Why threaten his X? The deed is done, my lawyer’s the champ and his was a bum!
Seven, eight, oh wait, don’t hate,
He’s broke as hell, not like, oh well!
Nine, ten, XWife in the den. Counting up all the hundreds, fifties and tens!
Love this.
There once was a twat called Paul
Who thought he could have it all
She said ‘ we don’t need contraception’
He caught an infection
Their baby is due in the fall
Love it, 4 of 5 lines match my ex!
Schmoopie had a hysterectomy a little over a year ago. STBX informed me of this fact before I announced that I knew he was having an affair and we were getting divorced. I’d been afraid that she’d get pregnant–she only just turned 40 the summer before–so imagine my relief when I heard the news!
One of the best things my ex ever did was have a vasectomy after we were done having children. At least my children have me; a child that those two cheaters created and raised together wouldn’t stand a chance. Whatever damage they’re inflicting on her two children is bad enough.
Mine did too but it wouldn’t have mattered cuz the OW apparently couldn’t have children. Sometimes natural selection really does work!
Before I had my three, he wanted to go to the knackers (the local animal castrator) and I wanted him to go too. It wasn’t only that I didn’t want more children, I wanted to be sure that whatever resources that man might produce in his life would go to MY children… not some poor little OW child.
I’m smart, loving, kind
I wasted decades with you
to find you are not
sad but true.
You and she both your marriages did rend
With no efforts at making amends
You left me & the dogs
Like a couple old logs,
Can’t believe you thought we’d still be friends.
Congrats to you and your love, Schmoopie,
But pursuing “true love” ‘s made you loopy.
So much younger than you,
When you’re old, sad, and blue,
You think she’ll stay home & clean up your poopy?
Mua hahaha, NWB!!!!
Someday he’ll sing, “Oh Schmoooooop-ie, don’t take your love to town”
My lover bear had lots of money
Found out he was playing with Bunny
What! More than two of us?
I said no more uterus
So now he is paying for honey ; )
Bitter bunny?
Love it!!
NWB—bwaaaaaahaaaa! Good one!
You swapped pics that were wrong
Your tits, his schlong
Our marriage you defiled
Then acted like a child
So I say to you, “So long”!
ha ha ha
I’m breaking the rules…because I’m not a good poet……CL I bought your book and extra copies….so here it goes
She done hug a tree…cause that was in style
Now….she hug a gun, cause she living in Dallas….in a cowboy palace
Our son is in rehab…she wear a t-shirt for the boyzz
It look good on her fakebook…she all about the shizzel
She eat the kosher bacon…and use a straightener for her frizzle
Her new Hub….Humpty Dumpty Amo dude and a Potato Dinner
Cause dey is Americannnn…and dey live in da best land
Holler…holler…..and a square dance
If your son is lost….he just gotta learn how to dance
Your ten Commandments
session must have been different,
Sunday School Leader.
Ooh, we could have a whole subcategory of Jesus Cheater Valentines. 🙂
My ex was a serial chatter
Whose online stunts made me madder.
When confronted, the cad
Said, “What I did was bad,
But how you REACTED was badder!”
good one
Oh yeah, the problem is never what they did, it’s how you reacted!
Once there was a guy named John,
Who thought he was a real Don Jaun.
His hands and dick wandered,
His wife’s love he squandered.
Lost his job cause he was calling women,
In lies he was swimming.
He got on his knees,
Begged his wife “pretty please!”
Then clever Don Juan told her a fiction,
It wasn’t his fault (it was an addiction!).
So Don Juan went on the DL,
But his wife knew him too well.
His kids disowned him,
The girlfriend won’t bone him.
His fearless wife got a divorce,
She’s betting on her own course.
Now all he does is cry and moan,
To get laid he’d have to take out a loan.
LOVE this!
Playing fast & loose with the verse rules…sorry, FOO issues ( 😉 )
For 25 years we were married, I thought
Until 20 years in—you decided: Not.
Neglecting to tell me
You went hunting for fresh prey.
I divorced you on my terms:
Now you’re just another pathetic greying middle-aged man
Whose offspring want nothing to do with you.
Okay, here are a few. Thank you for this experience. You truly help pull me out of myself, every time I fall into the sad, self pity routine. CL you offer truth….. they simply do just SUCK!
City Slut Business Woman what did you do
With my husband 22 years older than you?
He left me so cold. Boo hoo he was feeling so old
Now the bastard can mind-fuck with you.
Passive Agressive
Mind Fuckery Asshole Man
Cheers He is all yours
You are like I was
30 years ago, justice
He will drain your soul
Don’t you know the code
Married men aren’t on the field
Spread and ready girl
Oh No you didn’t
Silly slutty whore work wench
Suit can’t hide the stench
His blue eyes and cruel lies are now yours to cherish
You win his floaters in your toilet
His grey hair and limp dick will make your romance perish
You didn’t think before you shared your sink
with an adult sized problem child
He is all yours, you special girl,
lucky lover of a man who can’t function, envision, provide well or think
Stealing is a sin
Sparkly long legged ho
Rot in your winnings
Little Jack Horny, sitting on the corny, pondering what he’s become.
XW all gone. What’s that? Where’s my fun? Uh oh, crazy HO has come undone!
What is she saying? In the background a brayin,
Should be happy as a clam, just sayin.
“You got your money”! she shouted.
Damn straight honey, Magical Momma retorted.
Karma bus has arrived, it’s running on empty.
No money for gas, Dear lord, such a pity.
As my lawyers victoriously walked out the door, poor Jack started feeling like a big fat boar.
Please tell me exactly what you did this for? That’s right, I forgot.
Peace, joy and love to you and your whore!
My husband he did constantly tell
All the young women that his wife from hell
“Poor baby” they said
then they lept into bed
and planned what to do with her things they could sell
Here’s my limerick…maybe there’s another one in me, maybe not–because there’s so much I want to say! lol
His weenis, ED and PE
meant decades of “chaste” for me
His geezer gut, horrendous
His ego, stupendous
LTA with a hooker, you see
How typical of a cheater to blame everything on their loyal spouse!
Our baby wasn’t yet one
You wanted to have some fun
Found an Internet whore
Who was seeing four more
My, how I should have run
Viking for Mashley
*****
All his buddies called him, “Thor”
When he kicked down a door
And showed Mashley his hammer,
This still makes me stammer,
“I won’t touch that any more. ”
*****
He wanted a stay at home wife,
And took a decade of my life,
Turns out I was just a prop,
With Mashley at home in his shop;
His hammer is no sword, it is a 3″ knife.
*****
Now this “Thor” and Mashley are wed,
They took the house and bed,
Home Wrecker your timer is set…
And soon Mashley, you won’t forget,
Mask off; you got Loki instead!
AWESOME Mountain Lily!!!!
I love love love the last line in this!!!! rotflmbao “Mask off; you got Loki instead!” HILARITY ensures!!!!! Thank you!
I gave you my love
You took it and left me with
Children and herpes
Asswipe of 38 years
thought he brought me to tears
Little did he know
The favor he bestowed
when fucking around
and acting so proud
That his lies oh so great
Just lost him his mate
I once was married to a prick
All he thought of was his dick
He slept with a slut
Who smelled like butt
And watching karma hit them gives me a kick!
There was an accountant named Rick
Who found a new hole for his dick:
He called my wife “honey”
And used up her money,
Then beat a retreat — pretty slick!
Drinking and staying out nights
Led to car wrecks and gambling and fights
Your whores left me cold
– your dick isn’t gold
So fuck off – I’ve seen the lights!
There once was a man-boy from New York
Who came a road with a fork
He forgot his role
When he came to a hole
Then mistook his dick for a cork.
I had to go out selling girl scout cookies with my daughter, but I’m back.
Thin mints improve concentration, I hear.
They make everything better.
If a man texts more
Than four thousand times a month
Cheater he may be
I hear that one!