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UBT: “It happened and it’s not my fault.”

notsorryOh the sad sausage cheaters! Are there any other kind? They betray you for kibbles, steal your life, shatter your heart — yet they want you to know how hard this is on them.

Today’s UBT of sad sausage-ness comes from Aussie chump, Wat7000.

I thought you might find this amusing. It’s from my ex who can’t understand why I was angry at her when I caught her feeding my dogs over the back fence. (She moved into the house behind after I kicked her out.) D was her friend (and I suspect another affair partner) who helped her cover it up. To be honest it makes me laugh with the blame-shifting, minimization, and play for sympathy about how hard done by she is. Names have been changed to protect identities:

Chump,

I’m passing these dog drawings back to you as you have the dogs. That’s why I bought them.

I understand that you’re hurt angry upset and I truly am sorry. I’ve tried to do everything I could to make things easier (I didn’t know you would be there when I gave the dogs some spare bones over the back fence).

Again, I’m sorry and I wish none of everything that happened since 09 every happened but it did and I can’t change that. I have my hurts, upsets, and stresses too, made worse by the fact that the people who hurt me deliberately (people like K, T, P, S, the SGT and staff in the Middle East, the Psychs I was bullied by, and the guy in Wagga from Veteran Affairs, K2 etc. and that other individual) aren’t sorry.

They have no remorse. They did not care about destroying me or you. Be angry at them. They deserve your anger as well. You are right in what you said about me not being the same when I came back in 09. I’m not, and maybe I never will be because of what I’ve had to endure. I just wish that you could have some empathy and understanding as I do for you. I didn’t ask to be targeted, or lied about, or abused, or used, or hurt.

It happened and it’s not my fault and if it seems to you that I’m happy, I’m not. But I can’t do anything about it and I have to pretend I’m good when I’m not because whilst the bullying from my old boss etc. has stopped, I’m still being verbally spat on by the new boss who changed the way she deals with me ever since I put the complaint in. I also have to pretend that I’m good to the world about everything else too. I’m not, but I can’t spend every day with the Psych who I’m seeing because of all of this.

In fact, apart from catching up with D occasionally, or taking the dogs to the park with MJ, I keep myself to myself at home, with the dogs, because that’s the safe thing to do. Just so you know, I’m not telling you this because I have to, but because I thought it might be one of the reasons you were so so angry the other day. It was D visiting me (after he dropped his wife off to the airport) not the affair partner whose car was in my drive way. I told that affair partner not to contact me ever ever again after he emailed me three times last month acting like nothing happened. I thought you might have thought it was him because of the Canberra licence plate.

I’m really glad you got your posting. I know it’s what you wanted. Your lawyer has advised they will send Consent Orders to me to sign which I’ll do.

Cheater

Now for the UBT.

Chump,

I’m passing these dog drawings back to you as you have the dogs. That’s why I bought them.

Nothing says I’m sorry I fucked other men like dog art. Did I blow the neighbor? Here’s an etching of a schnauzer. Let’s let bygones be bygones!

I understand that you’re hurt angry upset and I truly am sorry. I’ve tried to do everything I could to make things easier. (I didn’t know you would be there when I gave the dogs some spare bones over the back fence).

I’m so sorry, I moved into your backyard. That’s how sorry I am. Nothing assuages your hurt like proximity to me.

Again, I’m sorry and I wish none of everything that happened since 09 every happened but it did and I can’t change that. I have my hurts, upsets, and stresses too, made worse by the fact that the people who hurt me deliberately (people like K, T, P, S, the SGT and staff in the Middle East, the Psychs I was bullied by, and the guy in Wagga from Veteran Affairs, K2 etc. and that other individual) aren’t sorry.

So many people have hurt me. Brenda, the hairdresser who acts like split ends are a moral failure; Ronald the inept intern (why can’t you staple correctly, Ronald? WHY?); Mr. Kowalski my 8th grade algebra teacher; the guy at the Department of Motor Vehicles (Take a number? Seriously?) my mother; my father; all my second cousins; that bitch who took my parking space… All have tried to destroy my soul.

They have no remorse.

Neither do I, but let’s deflect.

They did not care about destroying me or you. Be angry at them. They deserve your anger as well.

(Wat700 shakes his fist at the guy in Wagga from Veterans Affairs — “CURSE YOU WAGGA GUY! You have destroyed me by making my wife fuck strange men!”)

You are right in what you said about me not being the same when I came back in 09. I’m not, and maybe I never will be because of what I’ve had to endure. I just wish that you could have some empathy and understanding as I do for you. I didn’t ask to be targeted, or lied about, or abused, or used, or hurt.

Woe!

I have so much empathy and understanding for you, Wat700, that I targeted, lied, abused, used, and hurt you. That’s how deep my understanding is. You’re welcome.

It happened and it’s not my fault and if it seems to you that I’m happy, I’m not.

Consequences suck.

But I can’t do anything about it

Except live in your backyard, buy you bad art, and send you self-pitying screeds.

and I have to pretend I’m good when I’m not because whilst the bullying from my old boss etc. has stopped, I’m still being verbally spat on by the new boss who changed the way she deals with me ever since I put the complaint in.

It’s so hard to pretend I’m good. Actually, I’m a pathetic waste of a human being, and it takes a lot of energy to feign decency. Pity me.

I also have to pretend that I’m good to the world about everything else too. I’m not, but I can’t spend every day with the Psych who I’m seeing because of all of this.

Darling, however much time you’re spending with the Psych, it’s not enough.

In fact, apart from catching up with D occasionally, or taking the dogs to the park with MJ, I keep myself to myself at home, with the dogs, because that’s the safe thing to do.

So many Bad People are out there ready to ambush me with Hurt. I must hide inside with dogs and thwart them. For the greater good.

Just so you know, I’m not telling you this because I have to, but because I thought it might be one of the reasons you were so so angry the other day. It was D visiting me (after he dropped his wife off to the airport)

Yes, get rid of the wife first before hanging out. Nothing shady about that! No sir.

not the affair partner whose car was in my drive way. I told that affair partner not to contact me ever ever again after he emailed me three times last month acting like nothing happened. I thought you might have thought it was him because of the Canberra licence plate.

You should care very much who I’m sleeping with. It gives me shivers of delight to know you care and may be hiding in my driveway taking down license plate numbers. Let me help you with that. It was a Canberra license plate. (Kibbles!)

I’m really glad you got your posting. I know it’s what you wanted. Your lawyer has advised they will send Consent Orders to me to sign which I’ll do.

Cheater

I’m the bigger person who cares about what you want. Like a posting! Fucking other men? I don’t care about that.

Wat700 — I hope your posting is far, far away from her. Godspeed on the consent orders.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • WT7000- my comment on the fact that you find the letter amusing:
    Goodonya!
    Way to see your ex for who she is.
    Not all women are like her. Good luck on your new posting.

  • Is it more than a little sad that this is one of the nicer bullshit justification e-mails a chump would receive from a cheater? “What I did was ok because other people were mean to me, and. I’m actually a little crazy. I’m sorry, except that I won’t do anything to fix it. To make you feel better, the guy that was over at my place the other night wasn’t the guy I know you know I was banging, but the one I hope you don’t know I was banging. Plus, I’m so obsessed with you I moved in right behind you so you won’t be able to eat a midnight snack in your pajamas without feeling paranoid.” (Seriously, who moves in right behind your ex’s house? Lord, that’s creepy).
    She could’ve blamed him, like so many of us have to hear, or fate, like my ex. (“if I had been meant to be with you, I wouldn’t have wanted to be with all those other guys.” Yeah, and if fate had meant for us to actually be together, I guess you would’ve worn your wedding ring around the office, too. Damn that preordained destiny!)
    I guess, maybe, the glass of 100% pure distilled shit is only half full 🙂 .

    I’m kidding. A shit sandwich still tastes awful, even if it’s covered in the seasoning of an insincere apology.

    • Traveling the World, my STBX moved a whole 8 blocks away, guess he couldn’t afford any of the houses closer to me.

      • My ex has moved from Melbourne, Australia to Phnom Penh in Cambodia and you should see the dump he is living in with his 23 year old soul mate and her 2 little boys. We lived in 3 lovely and spotlessly clean homes during our 37 years together. This young girl and that is what she really is has pink fluffy toys on their bed, her bedside table and everywhere. He would be tolerating the downgrade in every respect for sex with a young body.

      • Diablo moved 7 times in 2 weeks before he found a place for him and the oompa loompa hood rat that was 8 blocks from my house. At first he was hiding it, but then i was sappose to do the pick me dance so he got more obvious. he even took the boys to his house (i didnt think of it at the time but he probably did that so the little boysw would show me where he lived). he got even more obvious.

        however, after 3 – 4 months of mrs vain NOT doing the pick me dance. and all the games that he loves to play…..”you past by my house, you are stalking me” umm no. i did not pass by your house. “i saw you in the alley, are you checking on me?” “you are keeping tabs on me” “you are following me” all answered with umm, no. i did not ______. i also happen to work a block away from his apartment so he tried to use that too. i mostly ignored it. finally his oompa loompa convinced him to move to a whole other city. and we havent seen him for over a year. The greatest blessing ever!!!

        but i remember thinking ‘who the fuck lived a few blocks away from his wife and kids while he is fucking his girlfriend?’ and ‘what kind of man would do that’ …..a few months when i was floating on the river denial, i would get up at 5 am just to watch him drive to work down the street. the main road is a block away and viewable from my living room. not one single damn time did he drive in front of my house. either going to work or coming home.

      • Right after dday, my ex’s OW was apparently inquiring about renting an apartment (for my ex to move into) that was a block away from mine (where we had lived together). Thankfully it did not work out AND I did not hear about any of it until weeks or maybe months later.

    • Hi Chumps, as always great UBT CL. Love the comments so far. I’ve been at a conference so a little invisible these days, reading posts when I can. I want to say that the help and support I have gotten here is abundant with wisdom, raw truth, and validation. I am eternally grateful. I followed all the support and advice about fighting for child support and so happy I am still trying to modify my child support petition; not one regret whatsoever (thanks so much everyone who helped). Initially, at the time of divorce, X-douchebag promised to pay 50/50, did not submit docs so it looked like our incomes were equal, was ordered to pay $12.00/month. When I came out of the fog of betrayal, I realized what a scam, hence my latest petition to modify. X has delayed by one year, defied judge’s doers, won’t submit complete discovery, “You have everything you need,” when I don’t have what I need like savings acct statements, money market statements. Anyway, with you all behind me, I do feel that I am able, as CL said, to focus on healing and getting to meh, while compartmentalizing my angst in this battle for c.s. X agreed to split 50/50 but never abided and is 7k in arrears. It is becoming funny some of his text comments: “You are harassing me and threatening me,” when I state to him what docs I need. I find myself running his comments through the UBT myself, e.g., “You meanie, you are bothering me about child support, you want me to pay child support, that is so threatening.” Ha Ha. I’m actually in a place where I see the humor.

      In the checking account statement he did submit, I added up all of this recreational, vacation, and rec equip expenses, which totaled over 10k. Wow. It’s astounding. AP lives with him and he pays for everything, comes to court with him to fight my petition.

      So thank you CL and CN, just a quick check in.

  • Omg. This is exactly like my life, every day. The reasons why I and everything else in the universe are to blame for stbxh cheating with dozens of women like its his job. Three more months till he’s gone and boy does it feel like eternity.

    • Calla2015, I know how you feel. Mine just left this past weekend after months of refusing to leave the house. Everyday is a mental fight just to make it to the end of the day. You have my sincerest sympathies!

    • Calla, I hope you have an almighty New Years cleansing party when he’s gone! Fingers crossed he doesn’t move in next door. Holy cow, that would suck!

      • He wouldn’t be able to afford it, thank goodness. I still laughing about how he wanted to share a duplex or live in my basement.

        • When Asshat chose to rent a luxury house, before D-Day, I tried to convince him to stay. After I discovered the rental manager’s phone number in MY car and then saw he’d taken our chequebook from my desk drawer but not actually telling me he was leaving. He screamed, “What do you want? For me to sleep in the Airstream?” Okay, logically, that was a great idea. It was on the driveway, now in the yard, and it is very comfortable and we would have been five figures richer had he done that. It just wasn’t the modern, high brow ski chalet he thought would heal his various sicknesses a.k.a. The Florence Fuckshack. I am imaging sharing a duplex and tapping out, “You are a mofo.” in Morse code on the walls all day 🙂

          • ChumpyElf, your humor slays me.

            Thank God for a sense of humor to keep us from going mad from the bizarre and harmful shit. The thought of your morse code messages made me spill coffee on the cat.
            Fortunately it was tepid. He still didn’t appreciate it.

            Wishing you and your son justice and a bright future.

  • Evil minions must be loose wrecking IT havoc!

    This lady is really in an alternate universe. The whole line of the neighbor dropping of his wife FIRST before meeting up with her shows how little she understands the problems or cares about Wat700. Commonsense says that if you are caught cheating and there’s concern about the neighbor, you don’t rub it in that you saw the neighbor sans his wife. But that assumes you care about your spouse’s feelings…likely a false assumption here.

    Yeah, real sorry, woman. Real sorry.

  • I feel inspired to try my hand at UBT-ing today so here it goes:

    My life is not perfect and that should be reason enough for you to let bygones be bygones. Never mind the married men who keep pulling up in my driveway and leaving their car there. I’m sorry that pisses you off. It did piss you off right? You should pity me because sleeping with them is really detrimental to my self-esteem. Oh, and I have easy access to you and your dog. Hey don’t worry about it though.

    There. How did I do CL? Not as funny I know.

  • I hope you get to keep the dogs at your new posting. I feed my dogs raw, but bones? I am very picky! (must be raw, must not present choking hazard, must not splinter or otherwise cause very expensive and often lethal blockage or perforation issues, and above all must involve supervised consumption). Your XW sounds like a wacko.

    I think it’s great you find the message amusing. I mean, how many ways could she say, “You should feel sorry for me. It’s not my fault I have to keep fucking other men!”

    Your new life must be so much more drama-free.

    • kb – YES! This is exactly what I was thinking!

      “I’ve tried to do everything I could to make things easier. (I didn’t know you would be there when I gave the dogs some spare bones over the back fence).”

      What a dumbass whore!! Make things EASIER?! What – by helping a poor trusting animal pierce the roof of their mouth or choke to death with your spare bones?? The first thing a vet asks when an animal is sick is, did you feed them bones?? Nevermind the potential vet bills because you’re a stupid whore!

      Wanna help? Just stick to fucking married men – you’re only good at, and for that.

      Leave the dogs and former loyal spouses the fuck alone – they’re all better off without your lameass attempt at “making things easier.”

      Douchebag whore.

  • Sounds a bit like the shite I got from my ex…
    If what happened to you (his cheating) happened to me,I’d be bitter and angry too.
    WTF.
    I’ve said it before….how did I not ice pick his bald head right there and then.Beats the shit outta me now in hindsight.

  • Good grief Wat7000, that is one big, self pitying incomprehensible mess. Good for you for dumping and walking away from such a selfish backlighting beotch.

    Tracy, love, love, love your deconstruction. You are a master at revealing evil twits in all their satanic glory.

    Bwhahaha…….Now I’m cleaning my morning coffee off my computer screen. ….”Darling, however much time you are spending with the psych, it’s not enough.”……priceless!

  • I would love to see a key logger transcript of this letter laid next to the finished product. Talk about a window into a disturbed mind.

  • Poor sad saugage!!! I am glad the public is shunning her. That is what she deserves. Although, it doesn’t seem to be sinking in…married man visiting after he drops off his wife….priceless. Can’t we round up these creeps and send them half way to an island?

  • Yeah she is a special kind of crazy. This is the lady who, when I was bed ridden with the flu, came home early (but not to look after me) took $200 from my wallet, my rum from the fridge, mumbled something about a friend in crisis and disappeared to go to a hotel room with the affair partner to comfort him when he found out his wife was cheating on him (oh the irony). Plenty of other great stories like that.

    I really hate having her live next door to me. I am still in the service residence which I requested to stay in until my posting came around to avoid two removals this year and also it was an added stress I couldn’t really handle with everything else that had happened. Didn’t realise she would move in next to me, go through my mail, keep showing up on my doorstep to talk to me, sticking her head over the fence to say hi, message me if the lights weren’t on to find out where I am etc. Hopefully posting early in the next few weeks – fingers crossed!

    • If your posting is coming soon, you probably don’t want to bother with this, but is it possible for you to have your mail sent to a post office box? You have enough stress without having to think about her going through your mail.

      I can’t believe she actually moved in next door to you. No Contact was so critical to my healing, and it’s shitty that she’s getting in the way of that for you.

      I’m so sorry. It will get better.

        • Right after DDay, my STBXH came to pick up our son and asked if anyone was living in the abandoned house across the street. I just looked at him. And if looks could kill, he’d be dead. OH hell no asshole!!! He didn’t move in. I really didn’t have to worry. He never really follows through….

          • I really didn’t have to worry. He never really follows through….

            Right??!!!
            As soon as the disordered fuckwit promises he’ll do something, I just mentally cross it off the list of shit he might do…

    • My heart goes out to you. The whole showing up on the doorstep thing is traumatic. May your new posting come swiftly to a place far away from her.

    • Maybe next time she pops over … Hand her the pooper scooper and a trash bag. Say’ the dogs are at the back. They cant wait to see you.’ … Then shut the door.

  • WAT700,
    I hope the fact you have a new posting means that perhaps you will be able to move house so she is longer your backyard neighbour. She sounds like a totally self absorbed nutter.

    Speaking of deluded people, I just got an email from an x-boyfriend who reported that his fuck buddy (the serial fb who reappears and continually destroys any relationships he starts into, including the one with me) has been very ill and that he is “worried” about her. He expected me to sympathise as if she were a dear old friend of us both! He asked for my prayers. I filled a wine glass and toasted schadenfreude, and blocked his further emails. It’s as if he completely forgot WHY we broke up.

  • “Dear Wat7000,
    Please pay attention to what my vagina is doing. I want you to obsess about me, my bad choices, my vagina, and all the wrongs that have been inflicted upon me. Check me out! I’m right in your backyard and I know that if I feed the dogs and you see me, you’re want me still, because I’m fucking awesome. Wat7000 . . . over here . . . . I’m still talking.

    Yeah, so dudes still love nailing me. This one is from Canberra . . . Hey! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!”

    That’s pretty much how I read it. She sounds pathetic. Up the shrink visits and the meds, she’s a loon.

  • Yes sadly they expect, because we’ve always been their soothers that we will keep doing it. My ex still thinks I should feel bad for her because the affair partner used her. Where as what she did was ok cause she loved him… Vommit!
    Same when he dumped her (just before I discovered it all) she didn’t spend time on line looking for how to fix what she’d done to me and our relationship. She went on various prayer and men’s support websites to pray for the love of her and the affair partner and asking men’s support how to support him through his wife cheating on him (I mean WTF?)!
    Even after we tried reconciliation and I busted her trying to get revenge on the AP, get back with the AP etc she lay on the couch next to me on my laptop looking up quotes about being hurt by men (ie by him) like “Your words mean nothing cause your actions have shown who you truly are” etc. But couldn’t see that it would apply to her too…

      • Ooh, yes. One of the gems I received from my cheating wife during false reconciliation was, “You should be assured that I will never cheat again because it HURTS SO BAD to have to walk away from such a good person.”

        • See what a great sacrifice she made to go through the pain of leaving her AP to reconcile with you? Don’t you feel bad putting her through that? LOL

          • Oooh, yes! I got, ‘I tried so hard to come back to you’.

            Funny, he said that several times, but I never LISTENED. I never listened carefully to what that really says about complete emotional disconnect whilst keeping me on because I was of use (property manager, childminder, housekeeper) and the objectifying of me in that keeping me on.

              • “I defended us, Muse! I defended US to HER, but she was all over me like a train wreck!” … um. No. the train wreck is him.

            • Patsy

              After he cheated and we reconciled he would eerie me poems professing his love. He would write loving meaningful poems about us being together forever. After DDay ( the finally) I found the original verses he wrote and they talked about his dark side and his sickness. They were right there in a drawer. X knew about who he was all the years he kept me locked into a relationship while he played the family man and lived a double life. X knew yet blamed everything on ME.

        • And those kind of statements make it “hurt so good” to walk away from nutters with the self-awareness of playdough.

          • Yep, she said it. While crying. To me. As if I were supposed to comfort her.

            As if.

            And of course it goes without saying that even while she cried about giving him up, she was continuing the affair. I know. Shocking that she would lie about such a thing.

            So glad to have that mind-fuckery in the rearview!

            • Saddam did this too Nomar, it hurts so bad to hurt the saintly AP, crying, having me comfort him while he was still having the affair after all. Asshole, that is psychotic really

              • Somewhere I read that a Chump told her cheating husband, “I’m the last person you should be looking to for comfort in this situation” when he was moping over the AP.

                I distinctly remember feeling like my husband was hurting me, then asking me to comfort him because I was making him hurt me when he didn’t want to. The dissonance almost made my head explode!

          • Hey now, don’t be so hard on them! Cognitive dissonance is so STRESSFUL. It’s not their fault!! They had no choice but to deal with their problems with lies an deceit! They weren’t raised right, they’re not happy and if we REALLY loved them, we’d understand!! Shame on us for expecting a shred of emotional maturity. So entitled, we are!

          • Kelly

            They know. I believe with my X he knew about the monster within but could not face who he was. I could label him yet personality disorder coveres it. X was a family man doing all the right things yet there was always a dark side full of lies. X was always looking. I was strong and independent. I believed in him, supported him but it was never enough. It wasn’t ME. He led a double life. Family good guy and serial cheating covert narcissist.

            • I recently dated a guy who said that he needs a strong woman ( ie me ).

              Big red flag in my book – I got the feeling it was his way of saying he is week and does terrible things. But I would be strong and spackle over his shit.

              I remember xh saying the same thing. Nope. Not. A.Chance.

            • wow, Donna, your situation sounds EXACTLY IDENTICAL to mine. Married 25 years to supposedly adoring good guy husband and father. Until D-Day I did not realize he had a very dark side and it was always there. I now know he is and was the most secretive person I could imagine. All other things you said….identical….And my ex led a double life worthy of a lifetime original movie, I am sure just like yous.

      • Yeah, I got the Cheater whining about how hard it was going to be to give up his twu-luv skank-whore. He got no sympathy…

  • These cheaters! Never their fault! I’m having some odd health issues. I believe it is stress related. My cheater told me I needed to get rid of my stressor. Then she asked what was stressing me? I said you! She has not spoken since! ????

  • I wish Tracy would create a UBT app. If I’d had it while going through my divorce it would have helped with the confusing, double-speak from my ex.

    Wat7000, your ex wants to make sure you know there are different men coming and going from her driveway, doesn’t she? Seems like she’s desperate for kibbles.

    • Is it kibbles to flaunt fucking other guys while living behind your house? X expected to live with me while he was going to be “away” on the following Saturday night. He told me this on a Friday night and expected me to be ok with this. He woke up to his closets emptied on the porch Saturday morning with his house key removed from his keychain. This is more like MENTAL ILLNESS. These are seriously disturbed people.

      • they are truly delusional and not in touch with reality, donna. On DDay when I told him he had to leave our home, Ex said, “is it okay if I come back tomorrow night to take a shower, because I have a date with OW!?” I had seriously only known he was a cheater for about two hours and he was now deciding it was okay to be openly “dating” her. wtf. mental illness indeed.

      • Yes!! Mental illness. Mine was MIA every weekend ‘taking pictures’ all night. When I told him he was cheating he got so mad. Lol. I told him he was leaving me 2 months before he left. The writing on the wall. Then a month before he left he kept announcing: “I’m moving out!!” But he didn’t go! I finally blew up and he grabbed his things saying: “I’m leaving!”
        I said, “You’ve been saying for weeks you’re leaving – why are you still here!?” He said: “I have no where to go!”
        What? All that posturing and threatening – what a cowardly dipwad. Then he cried about how he was homeless after I threw him out. Lol. According to the checking account he was at the top dollar hotels! Then he rented a house with his ‘love’ who is 20 years younger than him and she bought our daughter her bed for her new room there. My daughter said she’s nice. I said, “Of course she’s nice.” Serial killers are ‘nice’, too. Ted Bundy comes to mind.
        Mental illness yes.

  • My ex constantly whined about how very difficult the affair and it’s aftermath have been for him, to the point of telling me that even his AP can see how broken up he is. (The horror!) Evidently she was so upset about how distraught he was that she wanted to contact me to tell me how much he was hurting. Of course, how much her ex-husband and I were hurting didn’t factor into anything, but evidently I needed to be *very sensitive* to his cheating-related anguish because it was clearly putting a damper on their fun.

    These people are jacked up wing nuts.

    • Free Vixen,

      Omg!!! I got almost the same ! The guilt was incredible! Even told me I could call the ow and sheld tell me how difficult all of this was on him and he never wanted to be in this place, nor hurt me, ruin our marriage, never stopped loving me, and really believed I love him enough to forgive his mistake and all go on! Ugh!!!

      • [SIC] “he never wanted to be in this place, nor hurt me, ruin our marriage, never stopped loving me, and really believed I love him enough to forgive his mistake and all go on!”

        [UBT] He never wanted you to find out that he had a sidepiece, because that would endanger his existing source of emotional supply. Technically he never stopped loving you because he never loved you enough in the first place not to betray your trust for some cheap strange nookie. And somewhere in his pea-sized brain, he still believed that you would just ‘get over it’ so that he could continue on with the status quo, meaning MORE KIBBLES.

        Mindfuckery expert right there!

      • My cheater wanted to arrange a meeting between him, OW and myself so they could convince me that they were just friends still and that I had it all wrong. All the evidence I had, hotel bills, phone logs, flights for the two of them were all innocent apparently. Just gag, I said no f’en way, I’d kill them both. Lol

        • Kate, that is so sick. As if they have no shame already, they just wanted to taunt you. I faced a pair like that. All they wanted was to destroy anything good I still had going. As it turned out, to their own detriment.

          In my case, the OW threatened to “tell my boss” that I had been rude to her after she sent me an email detailing events during the affair which included her sleeping in my bed, stealing my stuff, using my personal items etc. I told her to keep Cheater, that I would not be wanting him back, and, I showed her emails to the community policing officer who got so incensed by it that he personally saw to it that HR in HER company were told she was sending threatening emails from company addresses. OW did get fired over it, actually so did Cheater.

          For OW, I couldn’t help thinking I was facing a hurt, rejected, chubber who had been the subject of teasing all her life (so she blogs) and that “winning” the man was her prime motivation. She stooped to new lows to get him – including letting him pimp her naked photos over the web, sell her used underwear (I kid you not) on a perv website (how did I know…I traced the ads through a google search of her postcode and the listings popped up)…and then attempt to sell stolen goods (taken from me) on evay. I blew the whistle on her since again I traced it all via her stupidity of putting her real postcode on the sale pages. I recovered my great grandfather’s coin collection, some designer clothes, and various jewellery from turning her in on that.

          She has another new ebay account, and I am constantly amazed at how an indebted skank can source goods to sell…designer shoes, makeup kits, health products, appliances…I do wonder if Cheater and her are oulling another scam on an unsuspecting victim. I am monitoring his emails since he never changed his password but all I’ve seen so far is him talking up callgirls again.

          It’s all par of mt theory about Cheaters being attention whores at heart…anything to get it!

    • Free Vixen, Asshat dragged all his coworkers into his pity party. While I was in the dark and being harangued constantly, he always had to make sure I knew how little he slept and how ill he looked. “Everyone kept coming up to me and telling me I looked sick! They asked me how I was feeling.” Uh, if he were physically ill, I’d have been making him tea and comfort foods. It ain’t my fault he is mentally unbalanced. Poor Dr Asshat and his Admirers. Most of those women are very strong and independent. The day they discover what happened, he’s gonna find them a whole lot less sympathetic. Then he’ll have to seek out his gold stars elsewhere. Creep.

      • Christ, same ol, same ol’… My slut ex sent this gem:

        “Just got back from the doctor, very long morning. I am not sure if you are getting e-mail. I would like to sit with you and calmly discuss bring some things to resolution. I need to make some medical decisions and before I can do that need to have some things figured out. Please let me know if/when you are interested in talk or if it needs to be done with your attorney.”

        Yeah, I bet you were not sure about me getting emails… Nice reach out to someone who gave less than two fucks having gone dark well into the divorce process. Not interested, and two more fucks not given about your health issues, NONE! Door slammed, no ego kibbles for you bitch, boo fucking hoo! Have your fellow married low life scum cheater have a go at your poor widdle problem. I did reply briefly, stating that if you are pregnant or caught an STD, well… Total apeshit was the response, she showed the email to my daughter (pawn) to make me look like the bad guy, tons more predictable “you are just saying this to hurt me”… Fuck all of these disordered, dishonorable, COWARDLY, cheaters, every last fucking one of them. FUCK THEM to hell.

        • 5JumpChump, I got a sad sack email about helping ex with health issue right before divorce was final and I told him “you aren’t my responsibility anymore, you have to figure this out on your own”. His response was how petty I was being. As soon as he was out one of the most fun things was when calls came in for him. I’d ask if they were bill collectors, if so I gave them his cell number, otherwise I just told them he doesn’t live here anymore and bye bye

        • Oh woe is me! Health issues! I would like to discuss! Fuck her. And classy of her to show the email to your daughter. Smooth!

          All these cheaters are the same pathetic pieces of crap. Every single one of them.

        • 5jumpchump–you could text back, “Can’t meet, but sure, you can put me down as your Medical Power of Attorney should a decision ever need to made to take you off life support.”

        • That’s exactly what my soon X did to me, sent me mushy texts, full of love bombs and begging me to forgive his 4 year affair and picking up prostitutes, I basically told him to go f*ck himself every time. He showed them to our son and now our son hates me. They are sooooo sick and I’ll never forgive him!

    • Yup. While we were still married, and I told her for the Nth time that her behavior was hurtful, she replied, “I’m hurting more than you know.”

      Questions:

      As your spouse, why are you experiencing *anything* that I don’t know about? Isn’t that the POINT of being married–to share?!?!

      How, exactly, are you hurting? What is painful about cheating on me? Please explain how the pain is AT ALL comparable to what I’m experiencing?

      These questions simply led to evasive and muddled answers, attempted distractions, or outright lies.

      She wanted to pretend she’s empathetic…and she still does. But empathetic words are BS when they come from the people inflicting the pain.

      • Oh . . . I’m sorry I’m doing this to you . . . . (stab, stab, stab). Look, look how hurt I am while I”m goring you with a fork?!

        Yep. I can relate.

        • “you don’t understand just how HARD it’s been for me to stab you in the back! Over, and over, and over…

          But just so that you DO believe me that me life as a spineless, soulless coward IS soooo terrwible, let me keep playing on your emotions? That would make me feel so much better. Sorry, not sorry.”

      • Similarly, my 3-year-old often exhibits his pain and anguish about not being the center of the universe when he doesn’t get his way. I swear that cheaters have the emotional intelligence of a toddler. Though I hesitate to even suggest that, because my son is beginning to show levels of love and empathy that exceed his father’s.

        • He told me he has no memory of what went on between him and OW, because he was drunk and stoned on weed, that’s why it hurts so bad losing me, that I should forgive him because he wasn’t in his right mind. But one thing he does have a great memory of, all my faults, everything I did wrong, just how does he remember all that and nothing that went on in 4 years with his howorker? Ah my head is going to explode, mindfuckery to extreme. I’m no contact now, thank God!

          • Selective amnesia for 4 years, the poor dear. I heard electroshock therapy can work wonders for that. Attach the electrodes and -BOOM- their memories come flying back!

    • Susan

      When the other woman becomes the disordered’s mouthpiece watch out. Talk about ending up with a psychopath. She reminds me if one of those talking fish heads that come out at Christmas. Push a button and out comes the programmed mindfuck of the X’s lies. I passed the torch letting her know I was done with the serial cheating. I warned her about his depression which lasted fir months and the springtime dating frenzy. Consequences fir him were that he now has to live the lie with her, a sleazy slut who picks up married men and BELIEVES the lies and uses it as a foundation for a relationship. There is no doubt in my mind they compliment each other. The man full of lies and the needy one who believes his woe is me tale of a 36 year marriage with three adult children he “unwillingly participated” in as an unhappy narcissust sociopath. She will comply with his pitiful existence until waking up in a piss filled bed and a pencil dick grow old. She will put up with his uncontainable future plans to keep someone in her bed. And it will burden her when she realizes how selfish thus “good guy” is to live with.

  • Hang in there wat700! She’s a special kind of nut job. And she is desperate for you to actually care. No contact does a number on these type of people. My stbxw is going nuts too that I no longer show concern for her. Just texted me this morning about a problem of hers. My response…… crickets. Good luck on your new post. Hope it is far away from her!

  • Well, her letter covered the waterfront! A little narc, a little borderline, a little histrionic, a smidge of sociopathy and a lot stupid.
    I had to write up a family once and after five pages I asked my supervisor if I could just write, “They are fucking nuts.” She said no.

      • Patsy, I.said a smidge because most of these PDs bleed into each other. She probably sees her behavior as perfectly normal. That is where the smidge comes in.

      • She writes like shit, too. Half her crap was incomprehensible. I would divorce her on the basis that she is an idiot, alone. This woman is a moron( no offense to morons).

  • Whyyyy do these whores have to blame everyone except themselves???? In all cheating the only guilty parties are the ones secretly fucking around while in a committed relationship. Simple enough.

  • I got emails and voice messages like this post Dday (of 4 year adulterous affair..I was told by MOW’s OTHER boyfriend). though my communications from him included more flattery/what I a great person I am, spliced with it was all his fault. NOTE: this was during property settlement time, as is the case with today’s poster.

    Fast forward 2 years post divorce plus my NC/no kibbles. cheater’s tune has reverted back to rage and blameshifting. alas, i am once again “all bad”. difference is THIS time I know it is not real – or true.

  • This stuff is so twisted.

    My ex left and didn’t look back. I find that I’m jealous of people who have exes who still hound them for attention. I know that it’s all kibbles and I guess I want to have the power to say “no kibbles for you!” And even though on some level I know better, I still interpret the cries for attention to be validation of the chump’s worth in the eyes of the cheater. Like I said, twisted.

    • I understand, basically the same for me. Ex was simply done; had checked our years before without telling me. He actually gave me dating advice 2 months post decision to divorce day, only 1 month post filing.
      Really, dude? You want me to be safe after having unprotected sex with at least one AP?
      Boggles the mind.

      • He waited two months? Mine was giving me advice exactly one week after she left me. I said that I’d heard that you know you’re over someone when you’re okay with them being with someone else; her response was “well, I’d think it’s a little soon, but I’m okay with it.”

        I’m really not trying to have a pain olympics. I think I’m trying to hammer it into my head that 1.) none of this is my fault and 2.) I’m better off without her. Progress has been slow.

        • WhichWay

          Progress comes in spurts when I reach low points.
          Two things that have helped me of late are that he has to convince himself his life is better and that I no longer have to fix him.

          While I was focusing on his karma (can’t work, losing his business, going into massive debt, overall poor decisions, no support system, stuck with a low class whore no one likes) I was also thinking about how disappointed I was with his downward spiral. To disengage I need to not care.

          Their life is not better. They are working overtime to convince themselves they made the right decision. They justify the greatness they are experiencing by spending money, buying cars, and taking trips. It is all for show.

          One of the things X said to me was that he couldn’t imagine what he would do if I had done this to him. I’d love to put that through the UBT. Well I guess he knows what I did. I filed.
          I truly believe he thinks I’ll sit around waiting for him and will never be able to move on. It’s slow but we will get there.

      • Mine was giving me dating tips less about 36 hours after dday. I think it might have been the day after, but my memory is a little fuzzy.

      • I stopped my cheating Ex mid sentence when he tried to say, “If you EVER get in another relationship….” – I said “you can stop right there because I won’t be taking any relationship advice from YOU!”

    • WhichWayDidSheGo – it IS all so twisted..i understand your envy of those who were not completely discarded the first time around. but eventually a disordered cheater will completely discard. XH left after I took him back.

      and then there are the cheaters who discarded AND stuck around, i.e., cake eaters. had that with XH too.

      am grateful to know now, however it came about.

    • I kinda had that reaction too. Was I so repulsive that he was so relieved to be out that he never for one minute had a second thought about me?? It does a number on you when they can just simply walk away like that. Almsot like I wasn’t even there at all.

      The only times he even pretended to be remorseful was when he told me, “I’m sorry you got hurt”. THAT is not an apology. And not too long after DDay, he told my brother-in-law while on the phone, “I think I messed up”. Oh you THINK?????

      • Oh, the feelings of being repulsive. Mine claimed to be going on to Medicaid and food stamps. I felt like total trash and still do sometimes; not even health insurance and copious amounts of financial security made me palatable. When I told her how it looked to me, she said something about it not really being that way, but to me it looked like she couldn’t fun fast enough or too far away. I’ve always had low self-esteem, so it felt like she confirmed what I already felt about myself (I’m working on it!)

        Yup. Like I wasn’t even there at all.

        • WhichWay, now you can focus on yourself and building your self esteem back up. It takes awhile but it can be done. It’s much easier to feel good about yourself when you’re not being treated like poop! Hang in there.

        • Jedi hugs WhichWay, she knows about your self esteem issues so she use them to hurt you, and it seems to me that most only do a complete discard when they are certain they cannot fool their spouse. If the latter then that says good things about you.

        • WhichWay

          I’m sure you had much more to offer than financial stability. The pattern I see with many cheaters is they are quite capable of plotting, planning, lying,demeaning us, and justifying their behavior. They don’t put a lot of thought into getting caught or what this “fantacy” life will bring them. At the end of the day we know we are faithful and kind. At the end of her day she’s on Medicaid and foodstamps. Good. That’s what she deserves.

          Time for you!

    • I’m the same way WWDSG-my ex completely abandoned me and the kids, never looked back, never regretted, never asked for a second chance. Even now almost 4 years later, never even checks on us or contacts any of us in any way. He does not even ask how,his children are doing. I know it’s a blessing, but it really really feels like it sucks.

      • Kelly, that is really fucked up. Mine did this too but the kids are from my first marriage. Still, it hurt like hell and sometimes still does that he left the very night of DDay, went to OW’s house who he claimed he’d only met 2 weeks before (lies), and never spoke another word to my kids that he helped raise for 16 years. Still hasn’t, two years later and his siblings and father similarly cut me off after sixteen years of being family. It’s mind boggling and surreal. Can only imagine the lies he told his family about me. It’s insane that your Ex would do this to his OWN KIDS!!

        • Muse, yes it is mind boggling, bewildering. I have described it like stumbling down a dark unfamiliar hallway, sometimes crawling and disoriented, other times calmer, but always blind and confused somehow.

          I’m remarried now (happily so) but the trauma continues as ex ignores his own children. He moved 5 hours away and recently married one of his affair partners. I periodically have to shake my head and force myself to realize that what happened with ex was real, because there are still times when it hits me unawares and I still don’t quite believe it.

      • He has to work very hard at convincing himself he made the right decision. Any contact with you or the children may reveal the truth: he made a dreadful life-destroying mistake and will never be able to repair the damage.

      • Kelly, that is my story also although i am only 21 months out. it seems like Diablo just decided that we were not worth it, and the children did not matter. he told me once during a phone call that children are resilient and better off without parent who fight, i am 90% certain those are his hood rats words that he is repeating. (we did not fight alot for one) but that is what he wants to believe.

        so he quit his job and moved to another city. although he comes to my town at least once or twice a month, we do not see or hear from him. It drives me crazy knowing that i do not mean a single fuck to him after standing by his side and taking care of him for 14.5 years. it hurts my heart that my little boys are going thru the discard also. it worries me that my boys will be damaged with his abandonment. i still struggle with this every day. should i call and arrange a visitation? or should i just let it be? it is his choice not mine. do i let him act like his children do not exist or do i force him to acknowledge his own flesh and blood.

        however painful it is to me, i know it is just as painful to my boys. For now, i keep telling myself “Do. Not. Poke. The. Sleeping. Bear”. his oompa loompa hood rat is super crazy!!! it is just not worth the damage she inflicts for the 3 hours he visits the children. plus the boys are also better off not having to hear all his lies and promises that he is just going to break, not to get their hopes up only to be let down again, and not have to try to decide what is the truth behind all the bashing he (and his girlfriend) say about mommy just to make themselves look good.

        it will truely suck that i know with all my heart when the boys turn 18, Diablo will reach out to them. tell them lies about how sorry he is for missing their young years and want to have a relationship with them. i can only pray that my boys see thru him at that time.

        i hate how these people just do what they want without a care in the world of who they are hurting, then years later come back with tears in their eyes and expecting everything to “work out” about we all “get over it”. most sadly, that is exactly what happens too.

    • WhichWayDidSheGo — although it is tempting to mistake breadcrumb kibble requests as validation (I find myself thinking that way occasionally), of course that is not the reality of the situation. In essence, it is a validation request from the ex, trying to twist the knife enough that you’ll spit out some (any) response to them, thus giving them the emotional energy that they know you are good for. It’s ALWAYS a trap.

  • My asswipe blames me for his failed relationship to other whore. Me, her, me now her again. Reconciliation is total bullshit. You can tell when someone is really sorry and lovesyou and not mooning and mourning spilt whore juice. I heard if I have to say I’m sorry one more time I’ve have it. He caused all this not me and got a bug up his ass when I refused to move into a rental. I was the most wonderful person till I wasn’t. He actually tried to convince me to move into a rental three houses from here! Every plan I came up with he and the whore screwed up. He was supposed buy the marital home where his business is by the end of this year. Well it completely slipped his mind and the ho worked the system she makes really good money to buy a house for way lower cash shown. Bitch. She could have bought this place. He’s going out of his mind now ready to have a stroke. Good that’s what he gets for being a low down dirty lying cheater and that’s what she gets for sleeping with a married man. He’s had two years to fix this mess and he’s procrastinating ass has worked my last nerve and I just don’t care anymore but he is sorry, not sorry. End of the year my freedom and adios motherfucker to that piece of shit. His angee, temperament is 100 times worse than it ever was and he’s treats lots of people rudely and badly including the ho.. Good her piece of shit now enjoy. I though I was the biggest fool. No that honor is hers alone.

  • When was the last time you had to pretend to be good? Not just good to the spouse, the whole world mind you. The mask is such a heavy burden to bear. Its hard to take off when your living in the same neighborhood, back to back with the X.

    After DDay I let everyone know what the X did. So what if I told the dental hygenist who cleans your teeth to double glove. Hey, X was the one who screws without protection and exposes others to STD’s. I told our mechanic who has been fixing my cars for 30 years (X- no longer gets a discount), What of it if your customers find out through the grape vine you no longer provide the same services and that I am recommending a GREAT honest person to all my contacts. Penile implant, is a touchy subject? No need to tip toe around that one. No, the whole world could care less. They hang themselvs and wonder? No, its image control. No one wants a cheaters bones.

    • Donna, priceless! My XW was quite angry at my friends, our neighbours, et al, were passing judgement on her without knowing HER SIDE of the story. Poor sad sausage. Pretty easy to avoid such situations by not behaving like such a sleaze-ball. But there I go again, not understanding how hard it was for HER. I’m so heartless!

  • Wow, that is textbook disorder right there. The level of self pity, denial, gaslighting and general mind fuckery is strong with that one. My only concern is that this very disordered lady might tip over the edge and become a bunny boiler. Wat7000, please be careful with this crazy lady, and I hope you are able to move away from her very soon.

    • Exactly what I was thinking… When I got divorced the first time, I didn’t even think to ask for it, but the judge was way smarter than me and threw in a restraining order. I hope wat700 can get one too – and maybe even convince the powers that be to order him to another duty station ahead of schedule. Going through his mail? Stalking him to see whether or not he’s on the property and what he’s doing and with whom? (These can be felonies here in the USA.) As usual, I’m gonna open up a can of worms here, but I’m feeling that there’s a bit of bias here. If he were *female* experiencing this treatment at the hands of a *male*, wouldn’t y’all be a lot more concerned? Is it that people feel women who stalk aren’t as much of a threat? My internal warning bells are just going off like crazy with the stuff she’s doing. Especially with the dogs. I love my fuzzy babies and I’m way protective of them. All of that, in combination with the letter of explanation… I just get a terrible feeling in my gut.

      • GREAT point and it totally creeps me out to think of it being a male doing everything she is doing. Yes, definitely stalker behavior. I’d say get the R.O. Crazy women can make an innocent man look not so innocent…..easy to fain abuse and whatnot.

        • Sunny – I think you get the Gold Star for the day. I went back to my ‘ol Chumpy ways and forgot what type of person we’re dealing with. They lie, cheat, manipulate, gaslight, and play the victim, but it didn’t occur to me that she’s potentially breaking laws, harrassing, causing mental anguish, and stalking wat700. You’re so right!

          I’ll add that I think wat700 – you should mount a video cam on the front AND back porch, get your evidence, and legally nail this whore to the wall.

        • Right, like the way my crazy male ex got innocent me thrown in jail for abuse he perpetrated, men do that shit too, they do it often. If she is going through his mail that’s a crime, hard for him to say it’s harassment for living near him or feeding the dogs. I know this shit because my MALE ex was really good at tormenting me in a way the cops would dismiss

      • We’re concerned irrespective of gender – its all shit character, regardless of whether one has a vagina, a penis, both or neither. Cut the sexist bullshit agenda out.

  • Why do cheaters think its a great idea to move next to chumps? X actually looked at 3(!) houses across the street and down the road from us. He thought it would be great for the kids to be able to back and forth to houses. He had no problem moving his bimbo and her family in so the kids, myself and all our neighbors could see what a fabulous cheater he was every day.

    WTF?!!!!!

    I would have moved in a heartbeat.

    • ChutesandLadders, My cheating STBX filed for a divorce and then moved across the street from me, supposedly to make things easy for the kids. I think that he did it because he likes the control (ability to surveil). In a way, I feel as though I have been under house arrest since he moved out a year ago.

      • My asshat ex thought that I was going to buy him out of the duplex we owned together in our divorce and live in the unit next door (which I had just spent $15,000 renovating in expectation of having to rent it out after my brother, our co-owner, suddenly passed away) so that he could “make dinner every night for the boys, and still spend time with them” — something he hadn’t bothered to do for years while being too busy with DWI’s, wrecked cars, hot yoga, playing his saxophone and cheating. “Yeah, you and who else is going to live next door?” Somehow, I knew he wouldn’t waste time jumping into another relationship (but I didn’t know he was cheating at the time). He said he didn’t know what I was talking about, and that he would never do that sort of thing. Even the mediator we were first working with thought that that would be unhealthy and confusing for the our sons, and my lawyer said asshat had “rocks in his head.” He now lives less than a mile away, with shack-up queen number two, in his sixth place of residence since he moved out 3.5 years ago. His permanent address is a post office box.

    • Ya’ll are making the 8 blocks away I have to live with feel almost luxurious. Wish I could afford a camera to point out from the front door to count the number of times he drives by.

    • Cheaters think it’s a great idea to stay close to the family and move across the street because they have no concept of the pain they’re putting you through. They don’t feel it, they aren’t that connected. People are interchangeable to them! Why can’t you just move on already? They’re able to forgive and forget, so why can’t you?

  • Ah Wat7000… thanks so much for letting CL’s UBT loose on this mindfucking drivel you had the misfortune to receive. Like everyone else, I’m stunned by her audacity to a) move in next door (dear God)! b) think she has any right to complain about the ‘abuse’ she’s ‘suffering’ c) think your ‘babies’ (the dogs) are the way to ‘hamstring’ you with this shite d) think you should give a fuck about her and her poor fucked up brain.

    I’m so glad you are getting away from this soon, so glad you are seeing her twisted logic for what it is. She can’t believe she’s lost her power over you, which is why she’s pulled it all out the bag – the dogs, trying to provoke jealousy, the ‘pity me please, only YOU understand’ – the ‘look I’ll be nice and sign the consent order – you remember when I was nice, don’t you’?

    Well, lots of words there from her about her suffering, not a one about yours. She’s got the emotional intelligence of a brick shithouse without any of it’s charms!

    On a side note – just got a copy of the Absolute – been Absolute since 21st September – hurrah for me!

      • Thanks Tempest! xxxx Yeah – looks like the waiting’s done already – I’m a bit 3 glasses stunned at the mo – lol! – seems like I’ve been watching that mailbox for most of my life – now what do I do? Ha! 😀 x

        • ….. one bottle of wine and half a big box of maltesers down … a kickass youtube soundtrack kicking off with Alicia’s Attic ‘I am I Feel’, Kate Bush ‘Get Out of My House’ and my desert island disc … Peter Gabriels ‘Solsbury Hill’ … always was my marching anthem in life’ 😀 xxx

      • Thanks Chumpitude! Having a great time here on youtube going through some awesome ‘mashups’ – motorhead v gorillaz Lololol – Nirvana v blur, seven nation army v eurythmics – my lord – really channeling my pre-cheater Jayne – hello girl – where you been? 😀

        • oh God – hands up everyone for ‘Echo Beach’ Martha and the Muffins – as ace as it comes – might even be a desert island disc – oh joy!

          • YAY you GO Jayne, celebrate!!! Seven nation army vs eurythmics? Thank you, I now know what I’m watching next on Youtube :)!

  • CL……your response is beyond hilarious! I needed this……thanks! It’s soooo obvious now to see through, thanks to you!

  • Wat7000, this is extremely helpful. I am so sorry that you were treated this way. I do not wish this on anyone, but we are all in it with you. And thank you, CL, for full clarity!

    I am two months post discovery and still in shock, but the process of understanding the pathology of it all is exhilarating. Like coming out of the fog of kibbles, entitlement, arrogance, hard-heartedness, triangulation, ever-lingering after effects of love bombing, mindfuckery, devaluation, etc.

    But the ultimate was a letter of “apology, respect and gratitude”, hoping we’d remain “best friends”, wishing that I would “soar with the eagles and be all you can be”. This was the letter that explained in bulleted detail how it was all my fault. Also, “If you choose it to be so, this will be the factor that will define our time together; that I broke that trust, that I was too weak to tell you that we needed to talk. But I really wondered what you expected of me?”

    Poor him. He was so confused. Otherwise he would have been a real prince about ending our 21 year relationship. I am the author of his terrible confusion.

    He can’t resist telling me the details, only in the name of ‘transparency’, ‘to clear the air’, ‘so you don’t hear it from someone else’. Arghhhhhh!

    This is my first post on anything anywhere, but it is such a relief to find a place to be authentically present with the baffling bullshit that this situation brings. Thank you all. I have spent hours benefiting from your humour (the BEST) and wisdom and common sense!

    • Hello Virago. So sorry life has brought you here, but welcome. CL and CN are the most wonderful people, and it is such a relief to find others who ‘get it’.

      As for the shithead you are having to deal with: ‘ wishing that I would “soar with the eagles and be all you can be”. – yeah, cos nothing makes you feel like soaring with the eagles than having your heart ripped out from your chest and having you question the last 21 years of your life. Grrrr! I personally think that cheaters and cheater apologists who ‘wish you well’ after D Day, should be publically flogged, flayed and many other words beginning with F, twice a week and THEN told to ‘soar with the eagles’.

      ‘“If you choose it to be so, this will be the factor that will define our time together; that I broke that trust, that I was too weak to tell you that we needed to talk. But I really wondered what you expected of me?” – well, bigshot – how about I expected you to keep your promise to forsake all others? Do you remember those vows, they weren’t at all ambiguous on that count – think it was pretty clear about what was expected of you!

      Ah Virago – so sorry, and so sorry you had to endure the cheaters’ mindfuck that is their self-justification and ‘magnanimous’ ‘well-wishing’.

      You’re worth so much more than he’s put on your boots. If I could give my best advice it would be KNOW he’s not your friend, KNOW nothing he spouts from now on is for your benefit . Act like you are the classiest, best thing he ever missed out on (cos you are – and it’ll drive him mad with self-doubt if you don’t crumble to the ground, but rather, laugh at him dismissively while totally knowing your worth).

      Strength, love and peace to you

      Jayne x

          • No worries 🙂 – and, poor you – 2 months in is no time at all – God, I was still throwing up and buying any old shit he was giving me (hadn’t found CL then and just couldn’t get my head around THIS WAS WHO HE WAS). My heart goes out to you. There is no excuse for his cheating – it is DOMESTIC ABUSE – never forget that! He’ll try to make you feel like you are crazy for thinking that – but nevertheless – that is what it is – and friends don’t do that to each other. End of.

            Keep believing in you and your gut – you know the truth – your gut knows the truth – he lies.

            x

            • Took me about 6 months to stop doing the ‘pick-me dance’. Horribly degrading. I found an xmas card from after d-day last night , where XW said “she will take care of herself for me, if I take care of myself for her”. What a crock!! She really wanted us to be friends again, or actually GET BACK TOGETHER ONE DAY. Stay mighty Virago, you’re in good company here. 🙂

              • What fucking nuts these assholes are. It is mind boggling. “Soar with the eagles?” “I’ll take care of myself for you?”
                No, please, there simply cannot be humans like this. It is not fucking possible.

          • Oooh, Virago, are you able to share the bullet points as to how it was all your fault? For me that was the worst mindfuckery of all. He KNEW what he was doing, who he preferred, who he was obsessed by – but he would look into my bewildered face and tell me what a terrible person I was and how it was all my fault.
            I actually do not know you can do that and remain human.

      • Virago, you had a parter versed in poetic Cheaterspeak. His words almost sound plausible until you really read them. LOL. My ex, after our 36 year relationship, emailed after he left “Now you can be the writer and painter you’ve always wanted to be.” In other words, “you’re lucky I’m abandoning you! You should feel grateful to me. I cheated on your and left you because I care about your career about 20 years too late!”

          • Lyn – you had it spot on with the ‘you should feel grateful to me’. Evil bastards! – insult our intelligence with the lies and the deceit, insult our humanity with the gaslighting and the blameshifting – no wonder they try the ‘All’s well that end’s well’ shite cos they’ve ‘thoughtfully’ fucked off out the way to ‘let you’ fulfill your potential. I mean, for God’s sake’s! I had a boyfriend years ago, just like this, who tried to take credit (with our mutual friends) for a haircut I had after we broke up. Like WTF? Scuse me but er, no … last I looked I was over eighteen and perfectly capable of making personal choices without your suggestion or permission – go fuck yourself!

            • I also got the: “Now you will be a super successful artist because I did this to you.”

              Uhh, in what universe do they come up with these justifications? Talk about creative license. History will show that these scumbags deserve no credit, except for being fucking assholes.

            • Could this be a red flag?! Taking credit for successes that past partners have had since they left? Because, omg, I’m seeing a pattern in the men I’ve dated.

    • Welcome Virago to the fabulous place none of us deserve to be but are so happy to find.
      It will keep your head on straight and keep you focused on where you need to go.
      Remain best friends? HA!
      No contact is your best friend.

    • Virago, I highly recommend you submit this wonderful letter to Tracy and the UBT. Please oh Please!

      And yes, two months out and it’s still going to be rough. But now past divorce and life is infinitely better. You’ll get there too.

    • Virago, congrats on leaving your cheater, that is a sign of great strength, especially given that your DDay was only two months ago!

      I didn’t even know which way was up for several months when I found out about my STBX affair. I wish you the very best on your healing journey and hope you will share your questions and story either through comments or via the forums.

      Forge on, mighty you.

      • Welcome. Virago. Promise me that once you “fly like an Eagle” your first mission will be to shit on this assholes head! Ha! Ha! I just love how these cheaters wax poetic! My Ex started talking like he fell out of a bad Harlequin romance novel! It’s actually pretty laughable! Chump Nation welcomes you! Life is better on the other side of this mess, I promise!

      • TheMuse, that would contaminate the Eagle poop! Thanks a million, to you and AllOutofKibble, Datdamwuf, Rumblekitty, Chumptitude and Roberta. I laughed OUT LOUD, head back and almost peed!! God Almighty. That felt good. Thanks.

  • My STBX could have written that email, apart from the fact that his wildly fun and successful professional life with lots of sparkly people and projects forced him to blame his misery on me. Yes, he was able to escape into his professional world each day (me, not so much) but when he came home each night he wasn’t able to eat or sleep because I was making him so unhappy by being the only person in his life he’s ever met who doesn’t like him.

    Hang in there, Wat700, and thanks for sharing–even though we know they all operate from the same script, I always find new nuggets of wisdom and humor when other chumps submit their UBT entries and CL translates them for us. I have a couple of doozies I’m looking forward to submitting once the ink on my settlement is dry.

    • Wat700,
      I don’t have anything to say that others haven’t. It’s actually insane that she moved in behind you, stalks your house, goes through your mail, and feeds things to your dogs. Shit can get dangerous real quick, and if she has any legit crazy tendencies, I’d be pretty scared. She scares me.

      Other Kat,
      Wow your STBX sounds like mine. At some point in our life, he got a job. He loved his stupid office job so much. His coworkers thought he was so fun, hilarious, handsome, well dressed, and he was never a crowds and parties guy before, but with these coworkers, hell ya happy hour every fucking day because, it seems, they all just loved blowing his ego a ton. And yes, they were also all sparkly (greasy?) professional douche bags. And all his subordinates, girls and boys alike, OW included, were young, beautiful, recent college grads with rich parents; it was a strange place/crowd, in my opinion. And then, night after night he was forced to come home to his wife, who wears normal clothes that people wear at home at night, whose father never bought her a boat or a European vacation, and who gave him shit about his ridiculous new shopping habits and how he came home drunk after partying with the kids he called his coworkers every night. I’m no frumpy old grump like he made me out to be. I just acted my age, and never forgot who I was. Why didn’t I shower him with admiration like these drunk children who love him so much? Why is it I’m capable of treating him like a mere human at home, when out there in the world, he is clearly a glorious godlike being to be worshiped and treasured by all mankind?
      Ooh. you got me going on a little rant there.

  • She has WOUNDS, Wat7000, deep, festering emotional wounds that could only be healed by other people’s genitalia!!

    Wait, no, she’s just selfish and crazy.

  • I didn’t get much from cheater Ex in terms of communication, since he already knew I had strung his balls out on the clothesline. He wasn’t so much a “poor me” as just a little attention whore who needed to have helpless skanks adore him. The things he wrote to the women he hired to suck his d*** just made me laugh. I counted over 300 messages he had sent to call girls (on a website) when I finally got his email password (just before d-day). I am so lucky I didn’t catch an STI. He was however, very evil and just wanted my money, so he had some pretty nasty plans for me.

    The office whore became his OW once he was living in my house. After I was told of their little romance, I tossed him out on his pudgy little entitled butt. She wrote me some vicious emails when he arrived at her place broke and empty handed.

    She wrote “many would call me a homewrecker, but I couldn’t help falling in love”….”It broke my heart to see him still living with you after we’d been involved for a year or more” (ugh, cake eater he was) “I was so broke he was helping me sell my stuff on ebay” (yes, and the stuff she stole from my house). I wrote back “please whatever you do, don’t send him back. He was embarrassing”.

  • Marci – I didn’t know you needed a PhD to sell stuff on ebay – seems simple to me. OMG – that must mean I’m a genius – Yay for me!

  • Wat700,
    Your X actually wrote that note and you typed it verbatim? Holy hell! WTF?! She writes like she failed primary school grammar.

    My cheater likes to tell everyone, including me, how having his fantasy busted is “Death By a Thousand Cuts!!!!!!” . I recently, and finally, told him to STFU. This bullshit is insulting to ME. His legal wife. The one he gave his STD to. The one he stole over $600K from. The one he has been stabbing in the back since approx 1998.

    Have a great move. Your heading in the right direction!

  • I feel your pain Wat7000 it sounds like our wives could have been best friends. I really don’t have any advice to you but I will send my support. And take heart at least she doesn’t blame you for not be open minded enough to accept her cheating and stay married. That was another gem I received, that I cost her the “love of he life” meaning me by not being ok with her screwing around.

  • Yes I typed in what she said verbatim just changing / removing the names. Grammar has never been her strong suit (ironic given she work in administration) and she largely relied on me to do a lot of her written work for her. I was a real chump doing her work for her on top of my own all the time she had the affair. She didn’t blame me for the affair as such but I should have been “more understanding” of her woes (like the ones in her letter) like the AP (he was just a good liar), shouldn’t have pushed her to get help. Yes me repeatedly asking her to get help with a psych drove her to another man who “understood her” – why couldn’t I have just taken the nightly rages about crazy stuff alternating with total withdrawal without saying anything and be more “understanding”. And the ultimate justification she had was that she determined (in her mind) that when I deployed we broke up. Didn’t have that conversation, she kept living in house, sucking up my chump resources, getting me to help her at work and home, taking b’day, xmas and valentine’s day gifts – all the time we apparently weren’t together. Also I didn’t realise when I got back from deployment we were apparently “giving things another go” – another conversation we didn’t have – only in her head!

    • She’s really sick, wat700, as the others have said–sounds borderline, NPD, histrionic, etc etc.

      My take on the letter is that she is angling to make it appear like the two of you are in the “same boat,” both of you put upon by these bad outside forces that hurt her almost as much as you….so you should see your common interests and fight them together. Blech…..hope you and your puppies get away from her soon. She combines delusional thought processes with abject cruelty in a way that is equally scary and sickening.

  • wt…..

    I just don’t think I will ever stop being amazed at how they ALL work from the same goddamn book. We here in CN are all snarky and lala about the Cheater Handbook but that shit is REAL. It’s a fucking template in their brain and they actually ALL do and say ALL the same shit ALL the time. It is just freaky. I am freaking out a little bit

    • I know right? They are all the same. Same bullshit over and over. My cheating ex wife of 24 years always starts her stupid emails with how she hopes I’m doing well. Fuck her. I hope a satellite hits her on re-entry.

  • Is it any fucking WONDER that everyone hates her guts in the real world? Shes a fucking delusional nutjob.
    No sympathy.

    (PS: Another Aussie chump! We Aussies must unite to smite the fucktards!)

      • Hi Lania and wat700, yet another Aussie chump here. I have never written anything before as I am not overly eloquent with language. I am eight months past Dday and still stuggling with it all. The thing I am finding the hardest right now is how horribly vindictive my stbx is through the divorce process. He is the epitome of NPD. All I want is to be able to give my three children a stable life but he is pulling out all the stops to take every financial resource away from me. He earns a six figure salary and I had been a stay at home mum. Through it all he still claims to be a loving caring father. WTF?….
        When he walked out the door on me his last comments were that I am no fun and I am just a mum. Our three children were 7, 4 and 2. He left for a 27 year old coworker, he is 45. We were married almost 20 years. It is only now that I am starting to realise that I have been emotionally and psychologically abused for all those years.
        I really wonder if it gets better as I am so tired of all the shit. I am a transplanted Aussie (originally Canadian) so I have no family here. He is military so again very few friends, moving every three years will do that. I rely on Chump lady and all of you wonderful people to get me through each day. Thank you so much for your stories. When I feel like I can’t keep going you all get me through another day. Thank you from the bottom of my damaged and broken heart.

  • September 2015 Chump Lady:

    There are so many good people in the Chump Lady archives. To anyone reading this email, Chump Nation needs you.

    Could you spare a few minutes to help drum up support for Tracy’s new book? Go to this post and see if you have anything to add.

    http://www.chumplady.com/forums/topic/advocacy-for-chump-rights/

    If nothing else, could you come over to the forum, start a thread, and give us new Chumps an update on your Gain a Life goings-on?

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