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Where Does “Meh” Go When the OW Moves In Next Door?

columbusLast night chump Monica posted that she’d lost her hard-earned “meh” when she learned that the OW and her clueless reconciling husband (who refuses to believe there was ever an affair) are moving down to the end of Monica’s cul-de-sac.

Small town, what are the odds?

She asked me and she asked on yesterday’s post — what would you do? Sell your home? Try and eat the shit sandwich of possibly running into them…. everywhere? Or are you just so mighty, and so healed up, that you’d be indifferent? Whatever! You have no power over my mental real estate any longer OW! Don’t care!

I leave it to you guys to discuss the hypotheticals with Monica. What this dilemma did, however, was underscore an element of Gaining a Life that needs more emphasis — DISTANCE. Healing from this shit, IMO, can only be done from a distance of the cheater, the Switzerland friends, and the affair partners. Not just emotional distance — but PHYSICAL distance. (Says the woman who is 1500 miles from both her exes…) It’s a lot easier to get emotional distance when you have physical distance.

Now, obviously, no contact is not possible when you’re co-parenting. We have to eat those shit sandwiches for the good of our children, at least until they’re 18. And I think for some of us, those fortunate not to be saddled with total NPD loons, in time sharing the kids becomes tolerable. Never ideal, but you do develop “meh… whatever” about the details of your exes lives. If they do ANYTHING to fuck with your kids, however, meh is out the door! It’s tough stuff.

But affair partners — aren’t they supposed to be peripheral?

Yes. But unless the AP was your sister or brother, you are never obliged to see this asshole ever again. Or unless they married your ex and you have to co-parent with them. (Shudder — my huge sympathies to you all.) Failing that — this person should just leave you the hell ALONE, right?

As Meh as I am, I wouldn’t want the OW living in my small town. It was bad enough living around my husband’s ex-wife — and that’s one degree of separation. This person doesn’t consume my thoughts,  but I sure as hell don’t want to run into her.

I know that the OW in my story is completely indifferent to the hell she put me through. (And I don’t think affair partners are special, but this one went to some lengths to harass me.) I don’t really ever want to confront that indifference in person. It’s not like she’s going to skulk around in shame or sob or offer her cheap apologies. (I don’t want to run into that either.) It’s that I have a lovely new life that has crowded out my old life. She would symbolize the WORST period of my life. I don’t need a living souvenir. (I also don’t need my high school year books, or that really mortifying photo album, or ugly sweater in my closet either.)

My point is — you can be sincerely moved on — healing! even healed up! It doesn’t make you Less Than if you don’t want to be anywhere around your ex or the affair partners.

So, what are your thoughts?

 

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  • I would move. I am planning on getting the hell out of here once my divorce is final. Too many triggers and I don’t know (not that I care) what people ‘think’ I did so wrong to deserve to be cheated on.
    My life right now is pretty low key because of the smear campaign via asshole. I no longer feel comfortable in this town and living that close to an AP would absolutely drive me insane.
    My mental health means more to me than my house.

    • saw my dear therapist this morning (after not having the need to see him for months) and this is exactly what he said. He said my mental health is far more important than holding on the house (I love, by the way.)

      • I agree, move! As soon as my son is launched, I am renting out our home and moving. He may not physically here anymore, but all the memories are here and I have to get out of here. No place is worth your mental health.

      • Monica- I loved my house too. I loved my gardens I created, the lawn I started from scratch, the trees I planted, the paint….
        But – I have to remember that a fresh start (one of these days) may not be so bad and I won’t have the ‘memories’ we made in THAT house.

          • It was very hard to leave….but I will adjust. I have adjusted to where I am now, which is up in the air with future plans. I grieve my gardens that I created the most.

          • I’ve had to leave two houses due to other circumstances like job relocation, and came to realize that it’s just a pile of lumber and stuff… and when I look around, they’re **everywhere**!!

            It may have memories and hard work and love attached to it, but the people in it are what makes it special. It’s easy to get another pile of lumber and make memories in it.

            What’s really tough, IMO, is living in a place that used to hold a happy relationship that turned sour. Those memories confront you everywhere you go in the house, and meh or not, getting past all those happymemory-shaped holes everywhere you turn is one of the biggest challenges I’ve ever faced.

            Finding a fresh new place to make a fresh new cheater-free life full of new happy memories is **much** easier.

        • I tend to agree with this. Shrug her off somewhat but when asked be open. “I dont care for franny down the street because she screwed my husband. However, if you dont mind your husband going over there, well thats your call.” Otherwise keep the mantra in mind, not my monkey, not my circus. Youre better than her. You have ethics.

        • I agree that your mental health is most important. You need to do what is best for you and yours.I am pretty sure I would not feel safe knowing that 2 people who have murdered my marriage and gutted my life live down the street. But I hope you’ll think it through and examine what you will tolerate. They uprooted your life, and they win again when their presence down the street makes you sell your home. They win the narrative too. We, as chumps carry the shame our spouses create. But- it’s not our shame. It was not your choice to kill your marriage. You are not the deplorable cheater, nor are you the creepy parasite in this scenario. You’re the one who stood for, and fought the good fight. Don’t let them own the narrative with your neighbors as their captive audience. Don’t validate them! You have nothing to feel shame for, and slink away from. Sell your home if an awesome opportunity presents itself, but in the meantime, hold your head high. You are one of those rare exceptional people who have the strength to live honorably and authentically. You ARE mighty- That is something to be proud of. If you do leave your home, walk away with full pockets, don’t run. Don’t let evil win.

    • By the way…how befitting she moved at the cul de sac which is French for the bag’s ass lol an analogy for the very end.

  • Whore and asswipe lived first 45 mins from here, then ten mins from here, then 15 mins from here. Ex’s business is still on my property. Very difficult to move it, but not impossible but of course he is a cheap bastard. Whore was supposed to buy my house so a. Business would not have to move. B. They could live happily ever after. What does she do? Buys a house 15 mins from here. My papers are filed divorce should be done in Dec. He has till Dec 31 2015 to buy the place then it goes up for sale business or not. Not fair I was told then the sad sausage and the fat whore will have two mortgages!!!!! The bitch makes enough money to buy ten houses! House sells I’m gone putting three hours distance between us. I say hold your head up, flip your hair, and get the hell away as quick as you can. SAVE YOURSELF!!! cause that’s exactly what I’m doing!!!! Fuck them all!!

  • I immediately thought of about 10 naughty but very empowered things to say and do which would immediately ensure that THEY would start avoiding YOU.

    1. Go round to visit with a welcome cake with an appropriate motto on it in icing, eg ‘Welcome, Lady Who Fucked My Husband’.

    2. Go up to them in the grocery store and say loudly, ‘Hi there (name) – how’s life been treating you since you STOPPED FUCKING MY HUSBAND AND DECIDED TO RECONCILE WITH (NAME)?’ Ensure that this is overheard.

    3. When meeting them in a social situation, immediately take her by the arm and insist on introducing her to everyone in the toom. Be sure to introduce her as the woman who fucked your husband, and who has now fir some reason decided to move in just down the street from you.

    4. Even better, take the ‘Amazing Coincidence’ approach. ‘This is my new neighbour Jan. Would you believe it – she is also the woman who fucked my husband and destroyed my marriage! I know, right?’

    5. Make sure you bring this fact up every time you see them, even across car parks. ‘Hey Jan, Bob – beautiful day, huh? Good thing you wrecked my marriage so that I could learn how to appreciate the little things all over again.’

    None of this is meh, but it’s fun to fantasise. The remaining 5 things exceed the bounds of the law, good taste and possibly the laws of physics as well, but you can let your imagination roam free.

    • Love it, Lola! I do think true gossip, said LOUDLY, may be the best revenge. Who could resist passing on cheater info?

      • Hahah! Yes, the true gossip!

        I have a date to meet with the biggest mouth that my STBX ever worked with once the divorce is final and I’m out of the house. I will let all sorts of embarrassing stuff slip out–like how he paid her mortgage and health insurance, how he was banging her before she quit the company, how he co-signed her car loan (and has paid some installments on it), and how Schmoopie regularly dumps him and then takes him back (she is a woman of negotiable virtue, after all), etc.

        I live in a small town, but I don’t operate in those circles. STBX? He does. 😛

          • Peace is heaven. The cheater in my life LOVES drama though. He’s one of those people who manufacture it and you can see it in his eyes how ALIVE it makes him. There is no peace from his crap. there is calling it out in the open when he lets a drama nugget loose and I calmly squash it with the truth in front of his audience.

            • Awe, Peace, Peace wonderful Peace. Choose Peace…..if you can’t ignore them to the point they question their own existence…then pack it up. MOVE! Don’t let them rob your peace!

              Cheaters, AP’s are experts in drama and chaos. You must take them out of your frame that focuses on them. What balls to buy a house on your street??!!?? Who does that? AH

    • Bringing the cake with the special icing… I can totally see me doing that. I am such a well behaved soft spoken person, but if you sh*t on me too much I may have a sudden burst of unconventional.

    • Those are lovely ideas Lola Granola! I’m just pondering what kind of cake topper and/or special decoration could be used on the welcome-to-the-neighborhood-you-POS-cheating-homewreaking-waste-of-space-and-carbon cake.

    • Ha, those are hilarious! I admit, for a long time I fantasized that if I ever bumped into OW at Target or wherever, I would walk up to her and loudly say, “Hey, OW, how are you? Still fucking other women’s husbands?”

      • I did that. At a swim meet. I had demanded that the OW stop attending swim team events (her son and my daughter were on the same team). She complied for a while, and then one day I walked into a meet, and there she was, sitting in the stands chatting with another parent. I was so enraged. I walked directly up to them and said, “Hello OW. Have you broken up any more families lately?” and then turned to the woman she was chatting with, and said, “You may not know that OW spreads her legs for married men.”

        OW left the swim meet and never came to another event the rest of the year.

    • Lola! Your list is wickedly wonderful. – Halloween is right around the corner – maybe a nice Scarlett A costume -and a continuous all night trick or treat conga line of same Scarlett A costumes. at their house!

      Her husband may be clueless but she sure wasn’t when she moved down the road from her former AP. What was she thinking?

      • I actually believe it was a coincidence or hope it was. She knew we lived in town but not sure if she knew where. If she did, this is another example of how fucked up these people are.

        • As I think about it, if she knew where you lived but house was her husband’s first choice, good deal, etc., what could she say?

        • If you have the OW contact info maybe tell her she’s moving in practically next door to you. It might make her uncomfortable enough to stop the buy if they don’t have a contract yet.

          • oh no, they’re here, I just haven’t realized it until recently. Probably have lived here for a few months.

        • No doubt the OW in your marriage knows much more than you think she does. Be prepared for an accidental -intentional run in. I would bet she probably knows the layout of your home as well.

          • I agree. She has no doubt already Googled everything about you, including your home, how much you paid, when you bought it, everything.

      • // , From a chump about a woman who attended her daughter’s swim meets: ‘I walked directly up to them and said, “Hello OW. Have you broken up any more families lately?” and then turned to the woman she was chatting with, and said, “You may not know that OW spreads her legs for married men.””

  • I did move, eventually, but the AP lived just down the street from me for ten years and when I kicked Mr Fab out, he moved just upstairs. It’s definitely part of the discard process…..they are ‘claiming’ their turf. No consideration for me or my kid’s feelings in that, but what else would I possibly expect from married people with children who think it is okay to screw married people with children on the side.

    Sucks, but better to leave. Kiddo and I did two years ago, never looked back.

    • If I loved my house and my town, I ‘d stay put and sweat them out.

      Might take a while, but if you love what you have, you’ll defend it. I’m not suggesting anything illegal (except see above), but you could stand your ground if you wanted it.

      Otherwise yeah, leave, but go proudly.

      • Whats illegal about what you said? Its all the truth. If the bitch doesn’t like the fire – she can stay out of the kitchen!

      • I did love my house and my town, but between them Mr Fab and the Downgrade really gave me/the Kiddo no choice, given the ‘campaign’ that started after I discovered the truth. I realized suicide was something he would interpret as a compliment, so it was move, or die.

        What backfired was that he thought he’d be able to drive me out, but keep the Kiddo (who hates the Downgrade, and is pretty much NC with her Dad now-she refers to him as her ‘donor’.) Kiddo calmly waited until she was 14-the age of,legal majority where we were. She still goes back to visit for a month each year. Spends about three nights with her dad, the rest with friends.

        It’s a hard one, you have to look at the whole situation. What did NOT help were all the Switzerland friends who kept in touch with us both-unwitting spies in the end, and also no friends of mine. Example- a male friend crashed on my couch for two nights. Switzerland friend says, “Not a good example to set for Kiddo, having single guys over”. Regardless of the fact that that person was GAY, to be told at aged 45 that I can’t offer a pal shelter because of ‘moral damage’ to my daughter, when said daughter’s Dad had already shacked up with the Downgrade within six weeks of nuking a 13 year old kid’s world……

        That’s not the template for a normal life…so out the door I went. Like the moive ‘War Games’ says-the only way to win is not to play.

        • This actually happened to my dad. His fiance dumped him and moved about 100 yds from his house next door and took the furniture too. This must have been very difficult for him to stomach. Bleh!

        • my ex made sure to portray me in the most unflattering light: as in psychotic, mentally unstable, etc. so it just bothers me that there’s someone out there, in my own neighborhood, who may be spreading this around… none of it true, of course. How to deal with that?

          • The 64,000 dollar question. Swtizerlanders aside, I generally found that the people that matter don’t mind and the people that mind don’t matter, or at least not so much any more. It scked, though…Jedi Megahugs!

            x-Meh.

          • // , From a chump about a woman who attended her daughter’s swim meets: ‘I walked directly up to them and said, ‘Hello OW. Have you broken up any more families lately?’ and then turned to the woman she was chatting with, and said, ‘You may not know that OW spreads her legs for married men.’”

  • Certainly moving is optimum. But if you can’t, take some sort of legal action if there has been harassment. Their behavior is going to spin out of control because I am guessing they are both sociopaths.

    In the meantime, if they speak to you, just ignore them. NC. Act like they aren’t there.

    • I agree, StarbucksGal. X wanted to move across the street from our home, complete with Bimbo and shiny new life. He figured he wouldn’t have to pay child support; the kids could just go from house to house. How’s that for a wholesome childhood? Stupid fuck.

      I would have moved in a heartbeat.

      As far as the OW, I’ve never engaged with her once since finding out about them. That includes not responding to the ridiculous “I know the pains of divorce, too” letter she sent me (that X wrote for her when they worked together). She’s as significant to me as a fly on shit.

      The only time I acknowledged her was when she said hello, and I looked at her (and her crossed-eyes), then looked directly to X and asked, “So, which eye do you look at when you’re lying to her?”

  • I agree LadyStrange. I am trying to sell my home, but am having issues because of all the damage and stupid things the X did to the home while he lived here. It’s like living in a house with little time bombs going off. Plus, he still hangs out in the neighborhood, I see him across the street when I walk outside. I don’t kmow what he told the neighbors about our divorce, but next door neighbor acts like he hates me now. I am moving to a small town almost an hour away and can’t wait to get rid of this toxic house and neighborhood!Peace and happiness are more important.

    I read a great proverd the other day “Better to eat dry crust in peace than feast in a house of strife.” Move!

    • i totally agree with this. 21 months later i am still trying to clean up the crap Diablo left around the house, in the garage and in the yard. there is a car that has been sitting in my yard for the last 5 years. i got 4 different stories on who the car belongs to. He was suppose to be fixing it, now i wonder if he bought it. anyhow, i have NO CLUE WTF to do with it. i had it listed on the divorce papers as my property, but i cant seem to sell it. i finally cleared some spaces in garage and can actually get to the other side of the room now. ironically he spent 280 days a year holed up in the garage. towards the end, he would come home from work at 9pm, stay in the garage till 1 or 2. gets up for work at 4 am. we hardly ever saw him but when he was home he was in the damn garage. when asked what he was doing, he explained sarcastically like i was dumb and slow that he was “cleaning” the garage. huh? seriously? so why cant i find anything in it?
      And i still find shit in the house. every time i think i got it all, another paper or something of his pops up. i usually throw all that shit away.

      i also know about all the damage and stupid things the X did to the house. every thing he did was half ass. so not only are the original things still needing to be fixed but there is extra stuff now that are breaking down. *sigh* i really dont want to sell my house. it is all i got from 14.5 of living with a heartless, empty, bottomless, spineless weasel. i have paid it off by half. and i most likely will not get another opportunity to buy a house, so i think it is in my best interest to keep it. that being said. it is old and needs a lot of work. i also have been wanting to move out of town, back where my parents are living because they are getting older. i want to help them more and see them more before their time comes. but the town where my parents live there is zero job opportunities. so it is a catch 22 thing. i am still debating what is the best move for me and the boys.

      i dont have to worry about Diablo and the oompa loompa troll. they moved out of town, probably about a hour or 2 away. it was the best thing the homewrecker could have done. i knew that my marriage wouldnt make it if we stayed in this town. Diablos home town. all his jacked up cousin live here and either asking for help (can i borrow 10 dollars for gas) or pulling his attention away from his family (hey man, lets go party/drink/whatever). since Diablo is super weak, he is also easily persuaded, convinced, encouraged and just plain manipulated by the influence of other people. which is not a bad thing when he was surrounded by good people, but his “cousins” all are married, separated, and living with boy/girl friends. have kids bouncing back and forth and have that YOLO lifestyle. “if it makes you feel good then you should do it” attitude. sometimes i wish we had moved when we were married but i think it would have just taken a little bit longer for the break down of my marriage to happen. (possibly not, Diablo is a good man when he has good people to support him and tell him what to do) we might have been married forever. she was smarter then i was in moving him out of this town and away from me as soon as possible.

      oh well could’ve would’ve should’ve doesnt change what is happening now. i think i will hold on to the house as long as i am able. continue to clean it up and fix it up so that when i do have to sell it, i can get a better price on it.

  • I was lucky in a sense. My ex moved into OW place, an hour away. He always picks up/drops off our daughter and she is never with him. She still does the typical “winning” bs like post pictures of her, my child and the ex on Facebook to prove what a happy family they are (FYI, she’s the only one smiling in those photos). She never gets near me. I’m sorry to say I would lose my meh and my s**t if she did. It would be very hard if they lived down the street. I feel for all chumps dealing with that.

    • Love Philippians! I actually don’t have a Facebook account. I like being somewhat invisible, unfindable. But you are so right. I have been through the obsessive and unhealthy stage. I constantly asked what was wrong with me? Why was I not good enough? What did OW have that I didn’t. A wise friend said: “she was easy, she was there, she said yes.”

      • startofsomethingood: Oh I like what the wise friend said! “she was easy, she was there, she said yes.”

        I don’t have FB either… It is a blessing right now because it is a great point you make about the unhealthy stage – all that self doubt – FB would send me right over the edge.

    • SarBear – I was being the same way! Staying friends with him on fb for pics of the kid. Yeah that ended as soon as OW started liking old pics he had posted, our christmas mornings, our christmas tree, our vacation – one of which was a picture of a bday present I got him before the cheating and in the caption said “Happy Bday to me! I love you honey”, Oh yeah ho-worker skank OW fricking liked it. Why?!?!? Claiming her “turf”?!?!? Who the hell knows but that was the end of the road for me! Dealing with class-less people isn’t our circus anymore. BLOCKED!

    • My ex married the other woman 5 months after the divorce. They moved to a huge home across town. What has worked for me and my children is to feel sorry for her. I had to live in the same town with the for a few years until my daughter graduated high school. I had to interact with them at school functions and they attended my church (but not my congregation). I was(am) always polite to her as she is my children’s step mother. What gives me peace about the situation is the thought that he (my ex) is no longer my problem. I am glad that she “won” my husband, I wish I could have gift wrapped him for her!

    • Oh my goodness posting photos on FB with your kid. No, no no.
      I already told ex that I better not ever see my kid on FB with them playing fake family. I would go ballistic. The OW started affair while my kiddo was still in womb, she gets to see him when he’s with ex, she does not have my permission to post photos of my kid on FB.
      I am forever amazed at the evil cheaters and their cohorts do. The damage they do never stops.

      • My XH and his latest victim announced their status on Facebook from “friends” to “dating” by both changing their profile pics to selfies of the two of them, and their backdrop pic to one of her two and our three kids all sitting together. What pissed me off was the blatant propaganda and that the photo was taken on one of the very few times XH’s plans actually included our 16 yr old son.

        But the delusional rely on people buying their FAKEBOOK life.

    • i am so glad i wasnt the only one who thought that. in a way, i knew Diablo was going to bail on his children. plus this TroLL he hooked up with is pure evil and not the kind of crazy i want around my kids. she is making sure she has him all to herself and he is letting her. {stab to the heart and ego, did we mean so little to him?} his Troll refuses to let him come to the house to see his children and interferes with them when they try to play basketball, football, tag, always throwing herself phyically in between and on-top of Diablo {what kind of loser does that kind of shit AND what kind of loser lets her}

      but i had at first thought that he would want to see the pictures i post of the kids. most of my family is out of town or out of state, so i usually post our family activities. he knows that i do that. besides i figured since he was no longer seeing his kids everyday in person that he would want to at least see them online. BUT i was WRONG {again, go figure}. The first thing he did was give her his password and she took over his facebook, {like she took over his life and my place in his life} then next thing she did was unfriendly me. stupid hood rat, it was ok for her to friend her current husband who she is STILL married to, her 4 kids that she doesnt see very often, all her exboyfriends PLUS her exboyfriends kids and some exwives. {they are all one big happy family, dontcha know} but my HUSBAND could not be friends with me HIS WIFE on facebook. even AFTER our divorce. {personally, i think it is because she has done this before and she knew that if the man actually sat down, face to face and talked to his wife that they would work it out. and she did not want to give up my husband} Just another shiny example how his hood rat TROLL does not give a flying fuck about his children, and whether or not his kids are hurting or even if Diablo is hurting because he is not seeing his kids. of course Diablo thinks she is treating him so good and cant see her evilness. i dont bother to try to explain.

      you cant make sense of that kind of crazy. but i keep telling myself Diablo made his choice and it wasnt me. i get to see my kids everyday.

      • MrsVain

        I was stuck for such a long time when I blamed the OW when he cheated. X never had consequences.

        Did I ever make him look so good. So good in fact that it’s hard to believe he could abandon his children. They hear bullshit, “NLD whoreslut wouldn’t like this/that”. I let my children know it’s HIM. They blame the OW because they can’t take responsibility for their own behavior. It’s on the him, MrsVain. All on him.

        • donna. Diablo has not blamed his troll yet. He only repeats what she wants him to tell me. i know this because i have lived with Diablo for 14.5 years. i KNOW when he stops using HIS words and starts using HER words. i KNOW when he stops texting me and SHE starts texting me acting like him on his phone. i also know when she tells him what to tell me when she is not even there because if i stray from the dialog or ask him a question that she did not anticipate (which really isnt hard since i am on a completely different level then she is) he starts stuttering and looks all confused and i think “oh she didnt give you an answer for that one huh”….i also know when she is interpreting what i am telling him, she will also twist what i am saying and she manipulates the hell out of Diablo.

          so in the case of my exDiablo, it really is HER. she takes 90% of the blame due to the fact that Diablo is weak, spineless, unintelligent and cant do a fucking thing on his own or by himself. he cant even make a decision or a choice without having to ask his wife or now as his troll. however, do not mistake me, i KNOW KNOW that the only reason this is happening is BECAUSE HE IS LETTING HER. it used to be me who did everything for him and he just followed me around and did what i wanted/needed. ironically when i started expecting him to be more of a man and do things for himself. we started having problems. and when i was completely numb from my daughters death, emotionally, mentally and psychically unavailable for a little over a year, he bailed on me. and now he is LETTING her do everything for him. she is protecting him from his bad exwife. PLUS she is BAT SHIT crazy anyhow.

          i dont care anymore. that is what he wanted. that is what he choiced. he is letting her control his life. she is not a good person. he is not going to have a good life. not my problem anymore.

        • oh, and good for you for telling your kids that it is him.

          in my case, it is the boys that tell me what oompa loompa trollface is doing or saying. she interrupts Diablo and doesnt let him talk or answer the boys, she jumps psychially on top of Diablo or throws her body on his when he is playing catch, football, tag, basketball whatever. she tells my boys that it is their moms fault that daddy cant see them, or tries to put me down so her and Diablo look better. my boys tell me this after visits (we no longer have visits at all so we dont have to deal with any of this)

          but he is standing right there. he lets her interrupt him, he lets her throw her body on his in front of the boys, he lets say those things to his boys (probably hoping that they think he is so great) so what kind of “man” allows that shit to go on? weakass.

          he lets her but i still tell him that it is STILL daddy fault because daddy should speak up and not let Trollface do and say these things.

  • Totally agree with everything CL said. I grew up in the Northeast, lived everywhere from Philadelphia to Boston and in between. 5 years ago, the husband at the time said “I have a job opportunity in Colorado! ” Away from all family, friends and everything familiar. But, like us chumps do, I was game. So, I found a great job, packed up 4 year old and 7 month old, found new daycare for them, new schools, new doctors, everything. 2013, affair discovered and Ex moved out of my house (I knew within days of him moving out I never wanted him back in my house). Husband is having affair with a woman in Western MA, 2000 miles away from us and close to where we USED to live 5 years ago.

    Divorce takes place 2014, finalized early 2015. ALL of my family & friends have spent considerable time and effort trying to convince me to move back to the East Coast, closer to them (and also the ex). To which I tell them ALL, “No way, I relish every one of the 2000 miles between us”. I have it in my agreement that EH has to give me 2 weeks notice if he wants to visit the kids. No surprise visits at all. Most holidays, like Easter and Halloween, school surrounds those days, so they can’t fly to MA, so by defacto, except for sharing the big holidays, I have my kids most days and holidays.

    Yes, sometimes it’s tough to not have family close, but I’ve made new friends, as have my kids, I’ve learned to develop a babysitter network, I have great neighbors who are always willing to help. And, I love, love my house with EH gone. My home is my refuge from a busy life. You can’t dread going home, looking over your shoulder at the local stores, dreading going home on a Fri night. I would move.

  • Honestly, unless he’s stating that he’s doing it to be closer to the kids and you think it would look bad to the courts that you would move them away from such a “concerned and involved father” (gag), I would MOVE. Middle of the night, organized and carried by friends in ninja outfits, nothing left in the house but dust bunnies and a big poster size picture of your middle finger.

    There’s too much potential invasion of privacy. Too many many chances for them to “notice problems” in your parenting and report them back to family court. Too many chances for them to claim that he doesn’t need to pay full amount of child support that month because he’s taken the kids for burgers twice or bought them that big swing set for the backyard that you asked him NOT to get because it takes up too much space.

    There are too many opportunities for them to drop by and stamp all over your boundaries. – Can’t you hear your wasband saying, “Oh, were you getting ready to go out with the kids? Well, we’ll just come along.” “Oh, you were hoping to spend your Saturday cozied up with the kids watching cartoons in your pajamas? Well, they just dropped by to see the kids. Why can’t they stay, too?” “Oh, were you going to have a birthday party for the kids? Why can’t OW be involved in the planning? She’s part of their lives, too”

    I’ve seen cheaters who combine intentional cluelessness and masterful boundary stomping to completely derail their exes’ attempts at independent life and parenting. And the fact that he refuses to believe that there was an affair tells me he would be even worse.

    Good luck, Monica. Take care of you.

    • I should’ve been clearer — as far as I know her ex and the OW aren’t together anymore. OW is with her unicorn-chasing husband. (That said, maybe OW did move closer for the ex… who knows?) Anyway, her ex didn’t marry the AP.

      • OW and her husband never broke up, never even separated to my knowledge. When I told OW’s husband about the discovery, he told me I was delusional and the affair was in my imagination because “she wouldn’t stoop that low.” The OW is a former stripper (say no more) who retired after she scored her prize of a husband.

        • …wow…OW’s husband should be as lucky as you…at least you are free of the self supplied blinders and shedding the layers of lies that was NOT your life. The sun will soon be shining through to you 🙂 Mighty Monica!!!

          …I wonder…has the disordered OW noticed you are a neighbor? What a hoot that would be!!!! Scramblin to find reasons to sell the house they just bought! …can’t imagine that hell! LOL! Could be karma!

          • If she didn’t before, she knows now because of my interaction with the husband. Will they sell? Probably not because they both seem like very and I mean very shameless people. Think the abrasive personality type, loud, vulgar, etc.

            • …omg…I was married to the male version of that! You are so lucky to have gotten away from a man that would want that in his life!

    • As my STBX moved across the street from me soon after he filed for divorce, I am living the life PucksMuse describes, fraught with opportunities for Cheater to malign me with ‘proof’ of ‘Mom’s (my) bad parenting’ and prevent me from leading a healthy, independent life–although he claims that I am not independent (one of numerous criticisms). These cheaters want to have their cake and eat it, too.

  • Sadly, it sounds like OW, whether in concert with the “clueless” reconciling husband, or alone, is planning on a life/wife takeover on Monica’s turf. Monica best decide whether the mind games this evil one is about to perpetrate, painting the wife as the crazy one is worth it…especially with the “clueless” reconciling husband. When they (OW & husband) finally end up together, they will grow how the kids didn’t even have to change school districts!

    If your husband really cares about your sensitivities, he would be out on the front lawn stacking a FOR SALE sign in plain view of the OW while her moving truck pulls up.

  • Well after my story UBT: “It happened and it’s not my fault.” last week about my ex who moved into the house directly behind me I would say MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!!! You don’t need that constant reminder, trigger etc. Part of moving on with your life is not constantly thinking about the bad parts of your past. Having the OW there is going to be a constant reminder. At the moment I live in one of the houses where the affair happened, same street as the house that the OM lived on. I have to drive to work past my ex’s house inconveniently located behind mine (I’m in a cul-de-sac), drive past the club where they regularly met up for dinner and work on the same base where my ex is and the affair also took place (along with several others I now suspect). It doesn’t cause me extreme anguish like it used to but it’s still a constant reminder and I will be much happier when I move (ask yourself if you want this hassle).

    For those who read my story – I’m posting interstate as of Tuesday! So relieved! Still waiting on the consent orders….

    Monica – you might be able to tough it out. But why bother when you can have the peace of mind of moving away from it?

    Good luck

  • Oh THANK YOU LOLA!!! Priceless!! I would love to read the other 5!!!!! Amazing! I can’t stop laughing! Thank you!

    For me, selling my home of 30 years and moving 37 minutes away made more sense to me than suffering the anxiety of running into satan – who lives a stones throw from there and seemed to delight in driving – both his truck and lawn mower (!!!!) – around the house! Hovering for sure.

    I am lonely a lot but peaceful and feel truly Blessed to be here in my new home away from all the drama and insanity satan created in my life. I am healing now and enjoying learning to take care of myself by myself. Yesterday I stained and sealed my awesome front deck 🙂 and am planning to power wash my back deck in preparation to stain and seal it. Who knew I was so handy 🙂 (read MIGHTY!!!)

    I don’t think I would be as happy and healthy as I am today if I had stayed there…the stress of all the triggers takes a toll on your health. I would sell and move if I were you. Change can be good, great actually 🙂 Find yourself a happy haven and move away from the insanity. You deserve it! Forget about all the crap your x put you through…let him drag that bag of rocks around, it’s his not yours! Find your wings and fly baby 🙂 Life is sweet untethered from the disordered!!!!!! Go for it!

  • Here’s my advice, Monica:

    – Moving is the best option, but if that’s not a possibility, then build high fences around your property and keep the curtains drawn in the evenings.

    – Enforce your boundaries. Your ex (and most certainly not OW) are not allowed to drop in on you and they are not allowed to attempt visitation with the children outside of the scheduled pick-up and drop-off.

    – If your ex and OW come to your house unannounced or otherwise violate the boundaries that you’ve established, don’t hesitate to report them for harassment.

    • Ex and OW are no longer together. She was married when the affair took place and is still is today. Same husband. Earlier I’ve mentioned how OW’s husband thinks I’ve cooked this affair in my head (after MY EX wrote him an email admitting to everything.) So who’s delusional now?

      • Monica – so OW AND her ‘still’ husband is moving onto the same street as you? Not only the POS OW, but the husband who didn’t beleive you and calls you delusional will be living there? Just making sure I’ve got this living arrangement straight…

      • Wow, that’s a guy who needs to discover Chump Lady! Send him our way.

        In any case, the rest of my advice still applies. Assert your boundaries.

  • I’ve gone for distance, 5000 miles to be exact!

    It’s been 9 months since d day and I’m definitely getting closer to meh but for me personally, I know the distance is essential for me to move on.

    Both XH and AP worked at the same company as me, having to keep it together everyday at work and wonder if you’re going to bump into then around every corner made me feel constantly anxious. I’ve taken a 12 month career break, rented my flat out and I’m heading to South America tomorrow with my backpack! Not an option for everyone I realise!!

  • Speaking of souvenir’s…..
    My ex MIL (chump herself and stayed with cheater) makes quilts…. So, she made one for me after she found out what her son did and titled it “fractured, because all good things that get broken can still be put back together.”
    Why the fuck would I ever want a fucking quilt that symbolizes what her son did to me and the boys? Instead of burning it, I kindly left it in a pile for ex to take along with other stuff she had made. I don’t need that bad energy in my house nor any reminders. He did take it, as it was picked up one day two years ago when he was picking up the kids. I have no idea what became of it. It is funny thinking about it now though… 🙂

    • Oh, what the hell?

      What sucks even more is that it takes hours and hours and HOURS to make a quilt. So she not only had the thought, “I bet my DIL will appreciate this gesture that shows I want her to forgive and reconcile with the cheating moron I raised,” but she MAINTAINED that thought throughout the hours it took to sew it!

      • To be fair, a week before dday, we, as a family, went out of state to visit the in-laws and she had showed me the fabric because she wanted to make one for me(prior to this). The day after we got home from our visit was when I found out what was going on…trickle truth…

        She is a very accomplished quilter, I will give her that. However, she said it became her quest to finish it asap and send it to me along with a really long letter talking about why she “named” it what she did, “fractured”.
        She is also a chump (claims women just love her husband) and had the audacity to send me another letter about how sorry her son was and that now I get to feel how my mom did when my dad cheated on her all those years ago and how before they both died (both had remarried others) they were amicable and that me and douchebag could work it out. Plus, she stupidly told me that right before dday 4 years ago, she caught her husband, ex FIL, talking with some gal on FB and she threw her phone at him. It is absolutely ridiculous and I am happy I got out. NO REGRETS!!

        I am chuckling thinking about it today, as ex has a young live in girlfriend. I wonder if she likes the quilt? blahahah
        Or did he throw it away or does he have it hidden? You can’t hide that stuff forever. Muahahaha!!

        You can’t make this shit up. 🙂

        • Call your ex MIL and ask her to quilt a big brown blanket called “sewer”, and give it to your ex. Tell him you and your mil want him to feel cozy and warm swimming in his big unethical river of s*it….

      • It’s enabling, but taken to new lows. Just reaffirms that cheating is multigenerational, if you choose for it to be.

        • Yes, his parents are enablers. They consistantly stated how sorry he was but his own actions proved otherwise. It is amazing to me to see the circus now since I am away from it. I have been divorced 2 years now and have zero regrets.
          I have chosen to walk away from his family and am no contact with them. If they are the type of people that can just brush every thing under the rug and not “deal” with it, then they are not the people for me.
          ex FIL told me early on how the bible speaks of forgiveness and I just thought, are you kidding me???? DId you miss the part where it speaks of the Ten commandments???? But the cheaters try and use whatever they can to get to you. It made me feel like less of a person for a while that I just couldn’t or didn’t want to rug sweep. I am so glad I am out. Life is so much better on the other side.

  • I’ve been where I am a long time and I like it here, so no whore is running me out of my home. Besides, once she thinks you are on the run, what’s to keep her from following you in the future? Like a demon that attaches itself to you, you have to exorcize it. Has this tramp been exposed for the whore she is yet! Why would her husband move there? Just weird.

  • Monica, hugs to you, and everyone else who has to deal in close proximity to the AP.

    I wouldn’t be able to do it. Heck, I couldn’t do it. I was having panic attacks, so I got the H out of there. Who knows, maybe I also would have been fine if I stayed (time heals). But not sure about that.

  • I have had success with this twice. I read a feng shui book and there was a chapter on “sucky neighbors”. What you do is place mirrors in your home or on your property so the mirror reflects their sucky vibes back to them. In my old neighborhood, I had annoying neighbors and I set up the mirrors. I had them inside of cabinets so other people couldn’t see. It took awhile, but he left and she eventually passed away.
    I also did it in my new neighborhood. I lived near a major anti social behavior neighbor. Once the mirrors were up, his drug dealing son was forced to move to florida and all the partying stopped.

    I feel that this is not behaving badly towards someone, I feel it just sends their crappy energy back towards them and away from me. I feel like it was a small thing I could do to protect myself.

    Good luck with that situation..It certainly is a mindfuck to say the least. They just want you to be out of line one time so they can say to themselves.. “see, she was a bitch”.. If you get angry, just put up more mirrors.

  • I would definitely move if at all possible. One of my big regrets has been not moving closer to my family and away from STBX. I stayed in my current town so my kids wouldn’t have to change schools and they could stay close to their father. Now I know I should have just moved, my STBX always wants to come to my house to see the kids instead of keeping them at his house. I constantly have to tell him no and he constantly guilts me about it because he pays so much in spousal support and child support, and he just wants to see the kids (even though last year he couldn’t care less what the kids were doing). He has talked about moving his whore, I mean true love, to my town and if he does I will move for sure!

    • tossedaway – Put yourself first, and stop the kibble supply!

      I have a very detailed 50/50 custody plan, with windows when each parent spends time with our kid, what is the procedure to request a change of schedule, and pick up/drop off locations specified to be curbside.

      I do not communicate with my STBX when we see each other at drop off/pick up, I focus on my kid. If he tried to talk to me, I ask him to send me an email via our agreed upon communication tool. I do not talk to him, all our communications are via email or text.

      Anything else, I ignore, and it has really helped me lower my trigger points.

      (((tossedaway)))

  • This post, like always, is scary timely. CL: are you a mindreader? I was considering going to a conference tomorrow where the keynote speaker is someone Cheater-ex and I invited many years ago and hosted in our home. I haven´t seen him in ages and I am a big fan. So, thinking that I am at Meh I was going to go to the conference (looking fabulous, of course) say hello and then get out of there as quickly as possible. The problem is that Cheater-ex and OW are surely going to be there because it is part of a bigger series of conferences that occurred all week long and to none of which I went to because I could possibly meet them. But since this is the final event my thinking, until I read this post, was that I have as much a right to be there and I am sufficiently at Meh enough that I should be able to deal with it. But I realized that I am feeling nervous and angry already in just thinking that I might be sharing a space where they are. I don´t want to confront the feeling of how he replaced me with the idiot, again. So Meh gone in an instant just by thinking of the encounter…you are right…no contact is the only way…

    • I dunno…. For me it was good to reclaim some things. Not long after dday, I went to an event where I knew ex and OW would be there because it was important to me to not lose that community tied to that event. Obviously it’s different for everyone, but I definitely have taken a post dday approach that marks my territory. I decided to stay in ex’s town and have done this is a few other ways too. Yes, it was hard to see ex and OW at that event (I thought I would maybe vomit but didn’t and had a good friend by my side at all times), but it was a step towards rebuilding myself and reclaiming parts of me for me and me alone. But I totally respect the opposite approach too! I just wanted to add the perspective of someone who decided to stay and reclaim. I will say I did not talk to ex and OW at that event. Stayed as far away as possible. But I succeed in reconnecting with that community (and people were kind…everyone knew about it) and I avoided losing all those relationships.

  • F–k her (them) for doing this to you.

    If you’re not ready yet to decide, here’s something that might ease you into it, and possibly be fun (or maybe it’s just me that loves this sort of thing … if so, my apologies).

    I’m stuck in a town I don’t care much about (I moved here for him), in a house I love. I’m staying put until ex and his OW plays out and I see if she’s sneakily trying to grab our house, too. She ain’t gettin’ it!!!

    Rather than panic and make a hasty decision (I acted impulsively when I first met my ex … look where that got me!), what I do is look at other towns and houses online (I still panic about everything else!). I Google the different towns and see what they have to offer, I physically take myself to lunch there (if it’s close enough and I can afford it … or I pack a picnic), I pretend I live there and wander the streets, and I go to open houses (even to places I can’t afford). At the very least, this gives my mind something else to do besides thinking of Peter Pan and Poopsie, and mostly it prepares me for my future should I choose to move (note “I choose to move”, not “I’m being driven out”). I am really trying to make this next move MY choice.

    It also surprises me that some towns offer things I had BEFORE I met the ex … things I had forgotten about that I liked.

    If you can’t afford the time to do this, or don’t have the money, you can Street Google … pick a town, and walk the streets online. Hell, you can even take yourself to Paris for the cost of Internet.

    This way, you’ll have done your research. The first trips were painful, because I was travelling alone, not with him … lately, they’ve been more fun when I realize he’s the one in a rut, not me.

    Hope you do well, whatever you choose.

      • Thanks for saying! At the risk of running off at the mouth, another thing is to check out farmers markets in other towns. Or do your grocery shopping there … anything that gets you doing something different, with friendly people, and that doesn’t break the bank. You might find a town you like better, or you might be glad to come home and the hell with the OW down the street!!! (For a more secure feeling, I put a few extra locks on, and I have vigilant neighbours, for when I’m not home. It makes it a nicer trip. I also don’t drive when I’m upset, so I didn’t go anywhere for the first year!!!)

        It started when I avoided my town so I wouldn’t run into them or our mutual friends. I headed out of town to a little village not very far away, in fact the same distance as it would take to get across my town. There, I found a farmers market, a grocery store, a liquor store, a great, cheap little restaurant, and people who don’t know me!!!

  • My EX intentionally bought a house in my neighbourhood – at least it was a few blocks away about 6 months after DD2. Later I learned that he regularly drove past my house on route to his errands for years, which I still think is very weird. Why do they all work from the same playbook?

    Honestly, I think it is time for “Plan B”: start the ground work to move. So talk to your bank/mortgage company, talk to a real estate agent about the best time to sell and how to get top dollar (you may need to paint/fix up, etc,), talk to your family, etc. Do not rush, but do set some sort of timeline to help guide you.

    I know it sounds overwhelming, but having a Plan puts you back in control and will help with your anxiety/OCD/stress.

    I stayed in my home for about 3 years after DD2. I did this so I would have a bit of stability. Even though I did my best to make it my own – eventually I found that the memories still lingered and it no longer felt like my sanctuary. Today, my EX and I still live in the same neighbourhood but blocks away. I am cool with that because I made the choice. I chose the part of the city I love AND the style of home I really love.

    Go out and find your new sanctuary.

    • Moving forward, I think it’s good advice for her to start the groundwork and at least explore the possibility of moving. Then she’ll feel she has some control over the situation, and if she decides to stay she will have at least explored her options.

    • i used to think that i wanted Diablo to pass by the house. in this whole 20 months he has not once driven by. it used to kill me. i couldnt understand how he could not pass by the house not once. now he lives in another town and i am blessed that i dont have to bump into him (and her). i think it would just as crazy, having your ex pass by your house all the time.

  • If I did not have a kid, I would move pronto. But I bred with my disordered STBX.

    A few weeks into our divorce, my STBX imported his AP from out of town… To live with him… In the building next door from mine… Eating the massive shit sandwich of my kid spending 50% of the time with my STBX AND the AP has been one of the most painful parts of ending my marriage.

    At first, I had hundreds of revenge plans… Thanks largely to CL and CN, I did not actualize any of them, and have been focusing on being the sane parent instead. I stay right where I was, because it is easier for my kid to transition between both parents while keeping her transportation to school and her social activities unchanged.

    When people ask me who the AP is, I tell them she is my STBX’s mistress.

    When my STBX brings the AP to drop off and pick ups, because of course he does so regularly (give me kibbles!), I ignore her and him equally and focus on parting from or welcoming my kid back.

    When my kid reports back about activities they are doing during my STBX’s parenting time, I keep going back to CL’s post on “cool, bummer, wow” – http://www.chumplady.com/2014/11/dear-chump-lady-daughter-wants-show-pictures-ow/

    When my kid is with them, I am very diligent and focused on keeping myself busy by engaging in activities that I can’t do when my kid is with me.

    I am a year in my new reality, and as I mentioned in previous comments, there are days when it feels like a sisyphean task just to breathe and keep moving. But I do, because my kid is in elementary school and if her mom can’t show her what keeping her head up and taking the high road looks like, who will?

    But more than anything, I know I would not have been able to get where I am without the many heart wrenching yet inspiring chump stories so generously shared by CN, and the incredible advice and support I got from CL and CN.

    Chump Monica, find your own cruising speed, destination and what works for you given your family obligations, and how much you like your current community. I am sending you good thoughts as you forge on to Meh!

  • Yesterday I was facing Ex in the notary’s office. The notary had left the room for a while. Ex did not know what to say, and was looking at me. I joked that this was probably the moment when we were supposed to throw things and insult each other. I said half-jokingly “He cheated with the whole VKontakte site, I will sue for emotional damages if you leave me in this room alone with him”. My ex’s expression changed, I saw indignation, embarrassment, and he chewed his thumb and finger.
    To him, humping a Russian while on vacation wasn’t that bad/important, and the Russian OW who came along was a platonic relationship. I could almost agree with him right now because I tend to remember the good moments too much.
    With the money he will buy a house 40mn from mine, in MY favorite area, with a small garden so he can keep our dogs some days. He seems so normal, he looks sorry… Time to read my diaries, because I know I will be surprised again. For example, next weekend, I heard he will be “showing Paris to someone”, that’s Russian#3 for sure. It shocked me. He only told me that he would go see his mother. What will happen, if he moves in with one of these whores who are ready to do anything for a permanent residence in Europe ?

  • At some level, the APs are a prop, not the player. I’d go all Miss Manners on her, refuse to “see” her (“cut her” in The Victorian Sense.) & if anyone asks, tell them the truth in an understated, ladylike way.

    It’s the XH that sets me off…the women are interchangeable. They even look & sound alike. He, on the other hand…waiting for meh, but it’s better!

    I love my house, it’s mine now (always was, really) & no one is running me off my promised land.

  • I would definitely move, and I can’t believe this woman has the audacity to move down the street from Monica. That’s just cruel.

    Luckily my ex moved away after we separated in our small town. Until he moved I was constantly on edge wondering if I might run into him at the grocery store. If I’d had to worry about running into the AP too I might have flipped my lid!

    Personally I hope to never set eyes on the OW’s face again. I know my kids avoid her like the plague. You can’t be Meh about a person who was involved in destroying your family.

    There are people I’ve heard of who purposely look at the pictures of their ex and OW on Facebook until reality sets in and it doesn’t hurt any more. I suppose there are people who can do that, if they aren’t suffering from PTSD.

    After my ex left, it flipped a switch inside me. I started fiercely protecting myself from any more unnecessary pain. In order to heal, I had to do whatever I could to minimize triggers. No way could I live down the street from the AP and not get triggered over and over.

    For those of you like Chumptitude who have learned to deal with this, I have the greatest respect. If there’s one thing I’m grateful for it’s the fact that my ex didn’t take off until the kids were out of college. It hurts that my ex can afford to fly them around for vacations when I can’t, but I’m just grateful I didn’t have to deal with sharing them with an AP when they were little.

  • Lots of advice here.

    So, the OW and her unicorn-hunting Chump of a husband moved next door. Ugh. Well, it has got to be tough living next to a woman who helped ruin your marriage, and it’s worse seeing that she’s probably figured out how to gaslight her poor husband, who deserves a lot better than his POS cheating wife. Talk about triggers!

    The way I see it, there are a couple of options. Moving is one, but if you like your house, your neighborhood, your friends, etc.–well, that could seem like a shit sandwich, too. After all, why should you give up what you love just because Ms. Homewrecker moved next door?

    But at the same time, your mental health suffers because she is next door.

    Enter the second option: a really good, high, privacy fence. A 6 to 8 foot privacy fence around the entire yard will not only enhance your property value, but also give you, well, privacy. 🙂 Okay, you might see them when you pull into the driveway, but you could run the fence around the back and have it connect to the side of your house. You’d be able to sit in your own back yard, grill on your own damn grill, and not see them. Sure, you might be able to hear them if they go in the back yard, but maybe they’re not back yard people.

    So if you feel that moving is its own shit sandwich, consider the fence. Remember that “good fences make good neighbors.”

    Whatever you decide has to be right for you.

    Hugs!

    • Yeah to the fence. Make sure you paint on it, ‘Your wife cheats’, in large letters in fluorescent paint, before erecting it, and make sure that side of the fence faces their yard.

  • I would move. I sometimes run into the AP at work or while running groceries around town. It really does cause my healing to stop.

    Also, after the AP dumped her, one of the people I found out my ex-wife started dating after we officially separated was the next door neighbor. She would always flirt with him when we were married so I suspect she was also hooking up with him prior to our separation. I would see him out doing yard work or other places around town and it absolutely drove me nuts and made it impossible to heal. I confronted him and got into two stupid arguments with him; I’m sure he thought I was unstable and ready to snap on him. Thankfully he moved on his own about 4 or 5 months ago and that was a huge relief.

    I have decided to keep the house until my youngest graduates high school in 2017. Sometime I feel like this house is a prison…I agree that both emotional and physical distance are important to heal.

  • I’m kind of perverse about things like this. If given the chance, I would probably tell people how sweet it was that she wanted to be close to me. Because she’d always been so fascinated by me, I always wondered if what really my husband she wanted. But I like guys, so she’s out of luck, etc.

    I’d also be making my moving plans, but in my own good time.

  • Hello Chumps,

    This is a subject near and dear to my heart. Kicked the ex out 3 years ago and have been in close proximity to her which has been useful for co-parenting. Ate that sandwich (I prefer my fecal hoagie on baguette) for a those years, now children are over 18.

    I live in a very small rural town and run into her AND her affair partner on again/off again boyfriend (who is still married, an epic tale for sure). On top of that, both of them are heavily involved in the recreational activity I love so much. I refuse to let this part of my life go, so I see both of them from time to time in very close proximity. Their stance is that nothing really happened and we should all be groovy pals. Yikes.

    I have also maintained a relationship with her family. She herself does indeed suck, but has redeeming qualities that make her a tolerable co parent. Yes, and she also does not murder children, good for her!

    So, I see her around. It has made my hard-earned “meh” disappear now and then, but it comes back. In some ways, it has been like being exposed to small amounts of snake venom, in that eventually you develop a weird immunity. I’d have been better off with her moving to another place…. like Syria.

    I do absolutely agree, and this was hard learned, that healing comes from distance.

  • Be vaguely nice. Not kind; NICE.

    My Cheater fucked around with co-workers or their girlfriends for 10 years. With one who lives in my village and another who fakes her niceness EVERYWHERE. But not here; not anymore. The one who lives here (Chinese) FLEES through aisles away from me… I smile and say, “Hello, Huli Jing.” She wants to avoid my greeting her, no matter how discreet I am about it. The other one just doesn’t come here anymore. I enjoy seeing her shame when I run into her. She tries to over-confident me (yes, I’m using this like a verb lol) but I grow the cajones of a bear when I see OWs. I ooze condescension, with a smile. Sad little whores.

    Why she’s mortified with my re-naming of her: http://mythology.wikia.com/wiki/Huli_jing

    “In modern Mandarin and Cantonese profanity, the term “huli jing” describes a woman who seduces married/romantically-involved men.”

  • Monica, please consider moving. A piece of real estate is not valuable enough to trade for your peace of mind.

    I had to move three hours away to my family of origin for my safety. Not just to get away from him, but from his flying monkey friends. It was like rubbing salt into my already broken heart, as I had lived in that general area for most of my life. I left my dearest friends of 20 – 30 years. (They stood by me during the darkest times, and we still keep in touch, but it’s not the same as seeing them on a regular basis.) I also left places and events I loved to go to. But it was all worth it to regain my sanity and self-esteem.

  • Physical distance is really important, IMHO. It creates a psychic buffer of sorts, a safety zone, so you don’t have to worry about running into your cheating ex or the AP while picking up groceries.

    Although I have almost zero contact with my ex these days, and don’t think about him much unless I am posting here, I cannot tell you all how much better I felt when he moved 2,000 miles away to live with his dad. Just knowing he is in an entirely different state across the country makes me feel better. Unfortunately, he bounces back and forth, is currently back here again working some pathetic minimum-wage-under-the-table job and probably visiting his favorite gay bath houses. Until he leaves again in a couple months, it’s like there is a subtle disturbance in the atmosphere, plus, he sees too much of our son when he is around, and that creates a lot of dissonance and confusion for son, who considers his dad insane.

    Oddly, over the weekend Nice Guy and I attended a church fundraiser, and low and behold, there was ex’s fuckbuddy OW and her husband. I knew them both fairly well back in the day, so recognized them immediately. The last time I saw the husband, it was five years ago and we happened to be in the same supermarket checkout line. I told him then and there that his wife was balling my then-husband. Talk about awkward. I pretended not to see them, and they pretended not to see me. But it sure stirred up a lot of old feelings, nearly caused me to have a panic attack. I cannot imagine having to live on the same street as these reeking turds, my sincere condolences to anyone who has to deal with that.

  • I agree….distance helps the healing. Unfortunately, my ex moved in with his affair partner and I heard they are getting married–they deserve each other. Anyway, her place is only 10 minutes from where I live and I live in a large Chicago suburb. I ran into them numerous times shortly after the breakup and can say it wasn’t pleasant which was about a year ago. Then last week, I’m picking up my dry cleaning and there he is coming out of the hardware store. Rather than confront–which would have been worthless, I got in my car and drove off. He ended up right behind me and I know he realized it was me because he pulled around and went in a different direction. I just laughed–but can also say my heart was pounding and was hard to breathe. I got home safely, called my girlfriend and she helped me to calm down. It truly is like rubbing salt into an old wound as I found myself reliving the heartache for a few days. If I could move I would–and I will when I’m ready and not for any other reason. At least I know the next time I see him, I CAN walk in the other direction and let him see what he is missing!!
    If you can move–do…..for the sake of your sanity and healing–it will be worth it!

  • I moved about 40 miles away. I left the house, the dogs and any photographic evidence of our lives together. I left all mementos behind. I took my shoes, my clothing a few pots and pans, a useless shovel that he offered up and two even more useless pieces of luggage that I eventually replaced with my own.

    I block him from every electronic medium except emails for extreme emergencies (our children are adults) so I haven’t spoken with him in well over a year or texted in that long. We’ve only exchanged a handful of emails related to divorce loose ends and one concerning our eldest son.

    I can’t imagine how I would’ve healed if I had to remain in his orbit.

    I’m not sure how feasible it is to sell your house in the market you’re in, but if it’s possible without losing a lot of money I would consider it. It’s a horrible time in your life so like CL says, you wouldn’t want a souvenir from that time period?

    Plus which, the OW in your scenario has to be five different flavors of fucked up if she’s moving down the street from you with her reconciling unicorn! That’s messed up and she has to be unstable. You don’t want that drama if you can avoid it!

    Run Monica, Run!

  • It’s very hard to leave a home one loves. I am in such the opposite of almost every post. I’m not reminded of the worst part of my life by an ow, but by my partner who only wants to much to return to me.

    My home that I love so much, is now filled with sad memories of what was lost, my town, I hide away from as its all so different from the happy memories of the life that was lost.

    If he is there, or if he is gone or I move, or I stay, I will always be reminded, so does it really matter?

    • Susan, if the divorce has gone through and you do not have children, seriously consider blocking your ex-partner. If there are children involved, keep communication limited to texts/emails on the children. Anything else, delete.

      If you are not in therapy, it would be a good idea to start. All of us have memories of things that seemed so good at the time, and seeing those places, the little souvenir from a favorite vacation–those can trigger grief.

      The real question is not whether you should stay or move, but where you are happy. If your home is a good place for you, then stay. If it’s not, then see about moving.

      If you think your home is a happy place, but it’s filled with sad memories, maybe try to put those memories to rest–find peace. My own church has a house blessing ceremony. If you have a religious community, maybe you have something similar. If not, maybe think of your own ritual for putting the old memories to rest so that you can fill the house with new ones.

      • Thank you kb, I never realized in all my life how infidelity changes everything in life. Never being hit in 33 yr of marriage until
        4 yrs ago, I use to think,”oh wow, I’m so sorry,” and that’s about it, when ild learn of couples going through it.

        But….sadly, so sadly, until one goes through it , does one doesn’t realize how much it can affect all parts of ourselves in mysterious ways, unexpected ways.

        We start a journey we never thought weld ever be on…

        • Susan, for a while there, I called the ex a thief as well as a cheat and a liar. He stole my memories. I couldn’t look at photos of our life together as a family – photos of me being pregnant, the kids through all the milestones, memories of 31 years together were so sad. It’s part of the grieving process.
          Even though I re-claimed places – for example I took the kids to the Island and campground where we spent several years of annual family vacations. (I digress here, but the last one we shared together, his OW and her son joined us for a few days – I knew her and they manipulated the situation so that she stayed in the campground with us. I clued in within 5 minutes of her arrival – they denied and lied, it was 18 months of trickle truth, then Dday#2 happened and I left him.) I was sad for a long period.
          But it gets better Susan. Please take heart from that.
          I agree with Kb, try and find ways to find some peace. Try and find a way that those sad memories of your home are crowded out with new memories – so that the losses you feel so acutely now can make way for gaining new experiences.
          <<<<>>>

          • What gets me is that sometimes I get a gigantic wave of disgust for the ex and the whore just out of the blue. I was just texting my friend about our daughters doing something tomorrow. We made a joke and said good night. I was suddenly hit by a tsunami of disgust that my ex husband snuck around texting/calling/emailing/screwing a whore while we were married. I honest to god don’t understand how anyone can reconcile with one of these loser fuckers. Just disgusting.

  • Being the Super Chump that I am, I stayed married to Cheaterpants for what seemed to be good reasons at the time. Although Cheaterpants had promised no contact with the OW, my gut told me otherwise, and 14 months after the No Contact ‘Promise’, Stallkarella moved into a house 6 houses away from us. This in a city with a population close to 3 million. After I spotted her, I asked Cheaterpants if he knew, and (Mr. No Contact) replied “Yes, she called to tell me she was moving into our neighborhood.” and his supposed response was: “I don’t care.” So I decided to meet aggression with Passive Aggression. Probably not the smartest move, I was always concerned that she was so assertive and aggressive that Stallkarella might resort to a gun…

    I made it a point to drive by her house and every time I saw her, I’d honk and smile and wave….I think it burned her large giggly butt, because she would wave back out of reflex, and then have this look on her face that appeared to be confusion. Stallkarella moved to another neighborhood after about a year, and Cheaterpants and I moved out of state about 3 months after that.

    If you can afford to move, do it. Take care of yourself. Being confronted with this crap on a daily basis is not good for your healing.

  • I moved from the small town we had lived in as a family. I can’t tell you enough how good that move has been for me.
    I stuck it out for 4 years post separation – I had a job at the local hospital, had purchased a nice Townhouse with a lovely, private garden and I had friends there. I stuck it out thinking why should I uproot myself when he should be the one to hang his head in shame.
    Bumping into OW and her husband who would glare at me (because I was the crazy one apparently) bumping into xh and the succession of new GF’s, going to my beloved exercise class and his GF also a regular there, grocery shopping, going to movies, etc were all enormously stressful events- it just wasn’t worth it. I couldn’t let go and move on. Everything was a trigger.
    So I rented out my Townhouse, found a part-time job 3 1/2 hours away in a lovely city (which turned into full-time after 4 months) rented an apartment and started all over again. I took a huge financial hit and it was hard. It has also been very lonely. However, this summer has been a turning point for me in establishing a more balanced social life. It has taken time.

    I have no regrets in leaving that town except for the friends that I left there. Being away from the constant triggers, memories and stress of worrying whether I was going to bump into him saved my sanity and allowed me the space to heal and move on to meh. No doubt about it.
    Distance, no contact, finding CL and CN and of course, time, were my saviours.
    I say move away. It just isn’t worth it. The freedom I found was enormous and quite frankly, priceless.

    Good luck Monica in whatever you decide!

      • Yep, she denied it and told her husband I was crazy when I confronted her. Then it was all over town, someone must have seen them, and to this day, I still don’t know how the word spread. She then told her husband it was the ex who pursued her relentlessly, but that nothing happened..Her husband would glare at me when he saw me. I recently heard that she has had two affairs since then. Her husband left her for a while, but that they’re together again now. Poor guy, he needs to find Chump Lady and Chump Nation.

        • so what do you do when you see them? The fucking happy couple. The advice I’ve gotten is anthing from spit on the ground, smile, laugh, look the other way, say something derogatory and ignore.

  • Well, considering PigFucker was (or I assume still is) a serial cheater who had 2 affairs (that I know of) with women and multiple Casual Encounters ads posted seeking random sexual encounters with other married men (apparently its not homosexual if he is also married and is wearing his wife’s lacy panties) over 10 years, I am aware that the probability certainly exist that I will cross their paths. I suppose that is one reason to be thankful that I only know about a fraction of the pigfuckery that occurred.

    So, its logical that the probability that I would have a random encounter with one of the pigs that I am actually aware of would be much smaller, since I only know of a fraction of them, right?

    True story!!! Just this past June (and only a little less than 3 months past the directly related Dday), I end up having to go to the local emergency room due to complications from a near fatal pulmonary embolism I suffered the year before. After the reception attendant escorted me to a room, I was given a hospital gown and told to remove everything I was wearing (bra and panties included) because a nurse would be coming in soon to place EKG leads in various places all over my naked body.

    About 5 minutes later, as I lay nearly nude and vulnerable on the emergency room bed, guess who walks in to attach the EKG leads???? PigFucker’s most recent SkankPig, Fiona the Fucking Orge!!!!!!!!!!!

    Can you even imagine??? I seriously can’t even obtain emergency medical care at our ONLY local hospital (for over 20 miles) because of that fucknugget and his community pig poking rod!!!!!

      • Good question, Tempest! I should have included that part as it was additional embarrassment and discomfort, yet I admit, also a bit vengeful.

        Since we were both aware of who the other was, we both just stared at each other in silent shock for a few seconds. She opened her cocksucker to being to try to say something and before she got the first word out, I just said “Are you fucking kidding me??? Did you request to be assigned to me so you could see if my titties are better than yours???” (She seems to be quite insecure and I noticed she had asked PigFucker a number of comparison questions between me and her in various text messages here and there.)

        She just shook her her and hightailed it out of the room. I pressed the call button and asked the voice who responded to please send the on-duty ER nursing supervisor to my room immediately. The supervisor arrived a moment later and I told her exactly why I was refusing treatment from their facility….. Every nasty detail of their scumbagery (INCLUDING their adventures in pegging)!!!!

        Note: For anyone unfamiliar with the term “pegging”, think strap-on and role reversal!

        • Love it Codependent! Nothing better than letting the co-workers know what scum they have to work with….

        • OMG! Good on you for telling a supervisor! I would have crapped if I went to a clinic and Florence was working. The only time I met her, she was filling in for someone on vacation for Little Elf’s appointment. She was very nervous as she was skanking it up with Asshat but I didn’t know it yet. Maybe that set her off. Me not knowing she was so awesome that she could steal him away from me, lol. I guess I have little to worry about bc her former employer will never hire her again 😀

        • No doubt that experience would set you over the edge! I can’t even begin to imagine…. Yet what happened to you is another prime example of how messed up things can be when you live in the same small town as your cheating ex and his bevy of bimbos. It makes me wonder how often I might have crossed paths with OWs when I was completely unaware that the affairs were going on!?!? Nope, I got the hell out of dodge as soon as I was able…

    • The amount of nopes in that situation could fill a truck. HELL FUCKING NO.
      I would have asked for someone else, saying “I don’t let people who fucked married men touch me, especially MY HUSBAND. I might catch your diseases”

  • After my divorce, I got the house which I loved in the neighborhood I grew up in. I had no intention of moving anywhere and lucky for me, X took off back to his hometown of hicks, rebel flags, and meth labs around every corner. That was about 40 minutes away. I was very happy with his new location obviously, because he lived far enough away I would never have to see him again. No kids with this asshole so, bonus!

    Then I met a new man and shortly after, we decided that at our age, we can do whatever the hell we want. So I moved to be with him over 1,000 miles away to a sunny place with palm trees. I rent out my house in my hometown now.

    The fun part is X is pissed off because he “gave” me the house, and I don’t even live in it. See, his whore had “forbid” that he give up all claim to the house during the divorce. She wanted me to have to sell and split the proceeds. That didn’t happen.

    Now when I think back on that, how amazing to have a woman I don’t even know try to dictate how the course of my divorce will go and how the assets shall be split up. Heh . . . funny. Anyway, now they live in a shitty apartment in a shit part of town. Waa waa waaaaaaah (Sad trombone)

    Monica, do what you want to do. Don’t feel like they are forcing you out, but if you find it’s more hassle than it’s worth, then move. You can make a home wherever you go if that’s what you decide. In my opinion if you really love the place and the neighborhood, fuck them. You don’t have to move for anybody.

    • “hicks, rebel flags, and meth labs around every corner” sounds like we may live in the same ares Rumblekitty! LOL

      WTF is it with APs who try to get involved in the divorce? Narkles the Clown thought I had to write a chck to him for half the value of the house during the process. Imagine his surprise when 1 – he was wrong about who the math works and 2 – he was off on how the home would appraise by $150,000!

  • If moving is an option, I would do it. Why subject yourself to the constant possibility of run-ins with this person who clearly is beyond disordered if she thinks moving onto your street is a great, fun idea? Who needs that kind of neighbor?

    If moving is not an option, I would focus on having the best possible life you can and ignore her whenever you have a run-in. I have seen the OW 4 times in the last month – I have gotten good at looking through her – people who enjoy blowing up other people’s families are not worth my time, attention or even a glance. I pity her as I cannot imagine having to look in the mirror everyday and be her. Lastly, I remind myself that she was actually a blessing to me – gave me a way out of a marriage with a man who clearly loves himself and only himself. Thank god I only wasted 20 years – it could have been 40 or 60!

    Like your case, OW and my X are no longer together so that is good news – but, like you, I don’t relish seeing her (ever). Move if you can – how empowering would that feel!

  • Yes, I would HAVE to move. It’s just a house and your peace of mind is way more important. There is no way I could keep my MEH running into the OW. I do love Lola Granola’s suggestions but I’m Italian and we kind of like revenge ya know. At first I ran into my H and the OW in our little town. They moved about an hour away so that didn’t happen as much although I still saw him at work. Finally they moved 3000 miles across the country. Ahhhhh.

    I don’t think they got the life they wanted though. They never got married. For some reason she decided she didn’t want to marry him. Wonder why? Her ex husband who she was married to for 25 years posts non stop here locally on Craigslist all his gross disgusting fantasies. (Don’t tell me she didn’t know he was a closet dog fucker) She went from him to my XH. Boy Howdy did she get EXACTLY what she deserved. One sick fuck after another. Talk about a broken picker. But really, who sleazes off to motel rooms with married men? Skanks like her get exactly what they deserve.

    Me? After almost dying from it all and recovering and getting to Meh…I’m with my fiancee and looking forward to a new and exciting real life. With a REAL man who wouldn’t dream of cheating on me. A former chump who I can’t believe anyone would cheat on he is so gorgeous. Lucky me and lucky him. Fuck all these cheaters and the whores they ride.

  • Like others have said, I can’t believe how timely this is. Just been talking with friends and family (and my therapist) about this. I’m toward the end of year 2 of separation. Divorce final in March. Ex lives around the corner. Convenient for our kids, but every time I drive out of my cul-de-sac, I see APs truck parked in her driveway. He’s now living there since July. Makes meh hard to achieve.

    I need to decide by next summer, before the end of year 3, whether to refi or move. I’m in the marital home of 20+ years. I thought I decided to stay for my kids sake. Now I’m not so sure. I could move just over the school district line and stay nearby. That would give my kids a choice of high schools. Most folks think the other HS, the one they could attend if I move, is better. I think moving would also be better for my mental health.

    • TwinsDad, I was in my house for nearly 30 years. Brought my kids back to it after they were born, the only house my kids knew. When X dropped the bomb I kicked him out, lived in the house until the divorce was settled and I was able to sell it. Best thing I ever did, selling that place and moving..

      There were lots of good memories, but too many bad ones to stay. My kids didn’t want to live there any more. The neighbourhood was changing and didn’t suit me once I was single again, and the house, which was fine for 5+ people, was way too big and lonely for just one. And yes, X works and lives nearby, and I was always being reminded of him and would see him too often as I went about my day. Really didn’t help my journey to Meh to see him glaring at me at the end of the grocery store aisle after a long day at work.

      I found a wonderful condo, big and bright, in a neighourhood I love, walkable to almost everything including the arts centre where I sing in a choir, much closer to work and my sister’s place. I have lots of room for my kids when they visit, which is often, and lots of room for new memories with them. I’m renting now and I’m enjoying the idea of being able to just pack up and travel if I want without worrying about a house. X is fast becoming a distant memory and I am far enough away from where he is to never see him again. No more triggers, no more fear.

      Don’t stay for sentimental reasons. High school is only a few years and kids adapt (and they may want to go to the new school anyway). They’ll be moving on to their own life soon too. Once I got past the history, the memories, the work I’d put into the place (sunk costs), and focused on making a new life, things started to get so much better.

      Just my two bits. Think on it, talk to your kids – you’ll make the right decision.

      • Thanks NewMeme. Sounds like you’ve really found meh and have a great new place. I’m happy for you! My kids are too young for me to do something quite like that. They are in 7th grade. I am thinking a townhouse would be better for me. I hate yardwork and could spend that time with my kids. I’ve got a lot to think about.

  • “I will NEVER enter that house again, most especially with a black light”! …..

    LOL….but EWWWWW….but LOL!

  • I have said this before on this site but…….when I finally sold the marital home and moved into my OWN place I finally slept like a baby!!! I LOVE IT!!! I love my new beginning and I love the home that I am raising my teenage daughters in. Getting out and moving on with my life has been the healing! I am me again. I sometimes run into my ex-husband and the slut OW but I simply ignore them. I have a fulfilling life full of friends, family and I am dating HER ex-husband! He is fabulous and I couldn’t be happier. I SAY MOVE !!!!! and MOVE ON!

    • Kimmy……you are dating the OW’s EX husband?? Say honest to god. hahahaha. Now that’s some funny shit, I don’t care who you are! Good on you girl. LOVE IT!!~

      • I agree!!!! That is pure awesomeness, AND the biggest “Fuck You” bomb you could possibly hit those fucknuggets with!!!!

  • Very timely post once again Tracy 🙂 Just yesterday the XH was pestering me about my refusal to pick up our son at the OW’s house – the brand new house they just moved into (that costs twice as much as my house) that she owns and he lives in (as her house boy I’m sure). I had it written into the decree (which he agreed to) that I would meet him half way to pick up our son because, what many on here have put so well, – it is a trigger. Why should I have to be subjected to driving to HER house, knocking on HER door to pick up my son?! I have to face this man on a weekly basis because of our son (our 17 year old daughter wants nothing to do with him since she found out the truth – this is called a CONSEQUENCE), but by no means should I have to face her. They are delusional, self serving hypocrites – did I mention the mosaic of the Virgin Mary hanging outside the front door? Distance and as minimal contact as possible are the keys to moving on. Sucks you probably will have to move, but it will be better than having to face that on a daily basis.

  • Ohhhh, I got some thoughts on this one alright:

    My ex (once I found out about the affair and drop-kicked his ass) would not leave me the fuq alone! He would email me, text me, email-text me (didn’t know about that one did ya? yeah, me neither, until he did it.)…caught him driving by my house several times, threatened to show up to a work event of mine (I simply opted out – I knew it was a power play and there wasn’t anything I could do to prevent it, not without making a huge, messy scene and involving my work colleagues in my personal hell that was my life at that time).

    Finally what tipped the scales was that he showed up to a pub which is located 1 block from my house and at which I was hosting my work holiday party. Now luckily, he didn’t make a scene, luckily I didn’t even see him and he slithered away upstairs anonymously. So “how did I know he was there??:” you might ask…well, “good question!” I would respond. HE TEXTED ME…AFTERWARD…to let me KNOW that he was there! If there was ever a more transparent attempt at mindfuqery I would be surprised. You see, if it had been about going to the bar (never mind that there are hundreds of bars for him to patronize in the town he lives in), he would have just gone and left it at that. If he had an ounce of respect for me he would have left when he saw me (or not gone to begin with). If he had seen me and gotten away with hiding upstairs…then he would have left it at that. But no…he had to *let me know* that he was there when I was there. ewww, creepy. It’s almost like “I’m watching yoooooouuu”.

    Anyway, I didn’t respond to the text but predictably an email came a week later. THAT one I responded to, with a simple: “contact me again and I will go to the police”. The resulted in a flurry of crazy, angry emails filled with projection, denial and cognitive dissonance to which I did not respond. Then 6 months of radio silence and an ‘apology’ email telling me he would never contact me again.

    Moral? It worked. It took two years of ignoring his behavior (and documenting it!) but he eventually stopped. No one should be allowed to behave this way.

    • Okay, okay, that was a bit of a tangent, so I’ll just say that I absolutely think distance (physical, mental, emotional etc.) is necessary to moving on. I think that’s exactly what he was trying to prevent by his borderline stalking/harassing behavior. He wanted to maintain control. Another thought that occurs to me is: why would your ex and his AP even want to live down the street from you?? THAT tells me something is fucked.

  • My Ex married his OW and they moved 1 neighborhood away from me. At first, i was the one all worried. Then i saw her a few times ( kid events) and the woman hides from me. I am the bigger threat ( and she won the booby prize) go figure. I rarely see any of my neighbors anyhow. I wouldnt move unless you wanted to and who knows? You may find out like i did that she is more threatened than you are. No one could have been more surprised than me. I thought he had “traded up” and she was all confidence and glamour – NOPE.

  • Why is it that I feel like the cheater not the chump all the time and I wonder what I have done wrong. Mostly every good peace of advice on this site makes me feel I am the maker of my own misery for some reason because so much of it resonates with me that I feel I must have done something to deserve my hell. People on this site have been wonderful and very supportive and yet I feel responsible for my failed marriage, divorce and lost contact with my kids.You see whilst my ex husband is the cheater and me the chump who was quietly abused mentally for 37 years without noticing because I was too busy loving him and our children when they came along. Once he decided I was a spent force and planned to get rid of me, he stayed in our apartment and I moved into another apartment about 15 minutes away and I never went near the area again and I still don’t. He thought he was going to cut a sway through the unsuspecting females in Melbourne but could not get sex no matter how hard he tried. So, after much planning, you see he is a real planner, and about 6 trips to Cambodia in 2 years he decided to leave our 2 adult kids and move permanently to Phnom Penh with his 23 year old prostitute and her 2 kids. He knows that he is safer over there than here. So I really do feel the guilty one and he could not give a damn. He is deliriously happy and lets the world know, so my advice is that it is wise for one or the other to move. I personally love Melbourne and as they say, water finds its own level and my ex has found his level in the gutters of Phnom Penh with a gutter crawler. He is where he belongs and good riddance. He is definitely never returning to Melbourne except for brief family visits with my kids. Just in case any of you wish to try and convince your cheaters to move oversea to Cambodia, the ex describes it as an absolute paradise.

    • You feel guilty because you actually have feelings. He doesn’t, because he doesn’t have a soul.
      We know otherwise re. Cambodia – hell, one of my patients at work told me she went to Cambodia in her travels and that 90% of the country is far worse than the poverty line.
      He obviously has fuck-all idea what ‘paradise’ is – it just goes to show his standards though.
      In your case you have been dealt a shit hand because your prick of an ex-husband has no fucking clue, and your children have taken after him in morality. Its NOTHING you have done – your only crime was loving people who were clearly undeserving of it. Its not your fault. Please don’t think it ever is.

    • LOL Maree, maybe we can get all these cheaters to move there and leave us the heck alone! Now where can I pick up some travel brochures….

  • Oh, Monica, Ugh!!!!! I’m sorry this is on your plate. It’s hard enough for me that Narkles the Clown is only blocks away from me in the same neighborhood. Makes it easier for the kids but sucky for me. Thankfully the Flying Whore hasn’t moved here yet. I’m working towards Meh as fast as I can and CL is right. The one thing I can say for sure on this issue is distance is key. I did not begin to feel better until Narkles left my house and that was just a few weeks ago. I don’t even care that he drives by my house. (I have friends who leave their cars in my driveway overnight on weekends just to freak him out and keep him guessing) What I do care about is having a refuge from all of the crap. If OW’s presence impedes on your refuge then I get that you might want to move and if it truly keeps you from Meh then I would consider it. If you’re not one for snarky snark snark then Lola’s tips (filing them away for when Flying Whore does come to town) may not be for you and you may need to put yourself first and take any road out that you can find. Good luck I know this will not be an easy decision.

  • *Someone* could put flyers up in the neighborhood announcing that a whore has moved in, at such & such address, & to beware since she likes married men.
    Of course, I would never do anything like that

  • I must be the masochist here because I wouldn’t move. My home (used to be our home) was/is mortgage free. Its in a fabulous neighbourhood where both kids can walk to school from K-12 and all services can be accessed on foot. You would have to bomb me out of my condo.

    I completely understand the desire to move and get away. The mental and physical space needed to heal and move on.

    That being said my X was never all in. Never on the title (he had declared bankruptcy so couldn’t be on mortgage from the start), didn’t bring one stick of nothing housewise – so it was all my furniture/dishes etc from my Hope chest (I just aged myself there BIG time).

    When I can afford to replace the few things we bought together, I get a wee bit of a thrill that “another one bites the dust”. I insisted on meeting the AP/OW/now wife because she would be around my kids and given that he does SFA in child rearing, I knew it would be left up to her to raise my children. Even when we met, she said “why are you telling me this, all this is foty’s (father of the year) job. I leaned in and said, “Bless your heart (she’s southern), you have no idea what you have gotten yourself into.” Moot point as she still lives in a different country, despite them being married for four years (now that is some kind of f*d up).

    They are living the DREAM!

  • I wouldn’t move either. OWhore was in my home as a guest on numerous occasions, so if she moved onto my street it would be with malicious intent. Because I am friendly with all of my neighbors, I would let them know exactly who she is, exactly what she had done, and how much trauma it all caused me. Then I would sit back and wait while: a) my next-door-neighbor verbally sliced her to pieces, b) my other neighbors politely froze her out, and c) one of my friends or family took it upon themselves to routinely egg or TP her house. (Please note that I would NOT encourage ANY of this, but I’m pretty sure it’s what would happen even so!) Meanwhile I would pretend she didn’t exist.

    Now if stbx moved onto my street, THAT would be another story….

  • Just got my dream home really cheap by the beach. The owner did a quick fire sale as she was sleeping with a married man and had to get out of town quick when the wife found out. lol I think a bit of Karma happening here. As my boy is intellectually disabled I have to do the access bit forever 🙁
    At least Narc and the idiot won’t be 3 blocks away now. How can you heal when you keep falling over them. It’s a new part of the journey and it is going to be nice. Life is a beach lol

  • Monica

    I decided not to make any major changes or decisions until I felt strong. X wanted me to lose my home and others told me to find a smaller place.

    I had so much loss I didn’t want to lose my home too. I am so happy I stayed. I love where I live.

    • I’m with you, Donna. The whore means so little in my mind I don’t give a rat’s ass what she does. If it weren’t her slimy slut ass, it would have just been another one. They’re interchangeable. This city is crawling with Whores.

  • Hello All, I’m the OP… and feel like I should clarify something, since some facts have been omitted. OW is now with her unicorn Husband, don’t believe they ever broke up after I’ve delivered the news to OW’s husband 2 years ago. He refused to believe me and I was branded rumor spread-er and was told to go to hell with my findings. 2 years later I find out they both moved into my development by sheer coincidence, saw OW’s husband at a playground when I was there with my child. So I sat on the bench next to him and said “excuse me, are you so and so? I am so and so, remember me?” to which he pretends he does not remember me. So I proceed to tell him that “your wife was fucking my ex for 6.5 months back in 2013..” then he freaks out and tell me I’m a psycho for still spreading this rumor. Starts to raise his voice and says “unless you’ve got some hard evidence like a sex tape (lololol), then you’re lying. I respond with “you’re delusional”, then grab my child and leave.”

    I’ve since looked up public records and yes, they live here now. No idea if it was intentional or not (still think probably not) but again, I am pissed I had to find out.

    Questions for fellow chumps: please decode OW’s husbands response to me. And please tell me it wasn’t the most psychotic thing to do to confront him like that again, after 2 years. I realize I should have never said anything to him, but once I recognized him, I just felt the sudden need. By the way, it doesn’t help matters that ex already painted me years prior as a nutcase. My therapist doesn’t think I am, lol.

    • Didn’t you say she is/was a stripper? If so, I’m sure she has been banging lots of guys besides your husband. Not trying to stereotype, but I’ve had friends who dated strippers, and heard about the lifestyle from them. It’s lots worse than what you think usually. They really just about have sex for $$$. Anyway, if the husband knows this, he probably is in huge denial. He knows it’s true but doesn’t want to admit it.

      • yep, definitely a former stripper. At least I hope the latter is true since the “woman” is now 50 and actually looks much older. Prostitution is all that she has left.

        • The common denominator of men that marry strippers-weak and stupid. So the idiot husband would even be in denial if you produced a video of your ex and his wife. I doubt she’ll shy away from you as a couple of other posters suggested as again most strippers (even retired) are borderline and love to be the center of attention

    • It wasn’t psychotic to want to say that. It was perfectly understandable. Why should he be allowed to pretend, when you aren’t allowed to pretend? You lost your husband and your marriage and your life. TRUTH is the path to mental health, not lies. People who choose to live in a world of lies are the crazy ones.

      If I were a bigger person, I’d suggest you pity him, but I can completely understand you saying what you said. You are angry, and you are right to be angry. And the fact that they’ve moved into your neighbourhood is awful.

      And Monica, I think he believes you. That’s why he got so defensive. He KNOWS. But he won’t face it, because that would mean Fairyland would come crashing down. So he spackles, and spackles, and spackles.

      One day, the karma bus will come for her, and he will find out, and then he can recover.

    • Monica- When my son was released from the mental hospital, we had plans to do some shopping, get his haircut, etc… He was sitting on the couch waiting for me to be ready and says “Mom, you know dad has a separate phone.” I said “yes – he and your brother exchanged phones.” He said, “No mom – he has another phone line. A Nokia phone.” At this point – things aren’t really registering…. Then my son says “Dad says you’ve been with Butch.” (Butch is the guy I had a ‘fantasy’ affair with 15 years ago). NOW it registered what my son was trying to tell me. He busted his dad with a fuck phone. Suddenly I am in a fog and just trying to comprehend everything my son, who again, just got out of the mental hospital for reasons unknown. Well – my son flipping out 19 days prior, suddenly made sense. BUT – I remembered saying to my son “I have never cheated on your dad and I don’t think he has ever cheated on me either.” OK so this IS BRAND NEW. I can’t catch my breath and I am in denial. After finding this little ‘tid-bit’ out, things started making sense.
      So – what I think I am trying to say is he was in denial. He can’t accept that the woman he loves could possibly cheat on him. I got a little defensive too – because I was just kicked in the gut and suddenly your brain is in overdrive.
      I tried to forgive my asshole. I really did. HOWEVER – I had a hard time forgiving someone who had no remorse and when I confronted him – he started talking divorce – no “Im sorry.”
      Maybe SHE was remorseful or good at acting like it. Maybe he could forgive her if he is still with her. Maybe he is just stupid.

      • all I can say is that is was a psychological trigger for me to see him hence my reaction. I know someone else would have acted more gracefully. I am sorry about your son and hope he is doing much better these days.

    • A lot of chumps will deny things until evidence is shown. Its actually quite a reasonable response – given the amount of disordered people who will just stir shit and cause trouble when people are actually innocent of wrongdoing.
      If you have any evidence, show him. If not, then just leave things be. Believe me – he will remember what you said when the shit hits the fan. And with a whore like that – its bound to happen sooner or later.

      • yes he obviously is in denial but I’m confused with the feedback I’ve received from friends on this. Most thing I should have never said anything to him, because I already told him 2 years ago and he obviously decided to stay with her.

        • Yes, he bought his wife’s lies… I’m not sure how I would have reacted if I was in your situation. You certainly were shocked to find out they moved to your street and then to bump into Mr. Denial at the park… It would be difficult for me just to ignore everything. I imagine your friends are responding to your choice of words. You were very direct and matter of fact with him! 🙂 He became defensive because he doesn’t believe you. I’d refrain from saying anything more to either of them from here on out. Nothing good will come of it and it will interfere with your progress of re-establishing your state of meh. (I do admire your no-nonsense approach and it made me smile!! I think it would be difficult not to question my spouse’s authenticity if I was directly approached by an APs spouse and also have the AP confirm it, too… That is a case of some SERIOUS denial!!)

        • Don’t ever think you know what’s going in someone else’s relationship. When he said he didn’t remember you, you should have let it go. Once you let him know, your part was done.

  • I am in a somewhat similar situation. Narcboy and Latest Conquest are in the same small town. Luckily a good 5 miles away. She does show up at the coffeehouse I hang out at on occasion, he at times frequents the same restaurant. I ignore them, turn away. I have learned what times/days I need to avoid the grocery store, know what her car/license looks like to avoid coming to the same place and unless she shows up at our place of work or at larger meetings, I can avoid both of them most of the time. It sucks to always feel you need to check out the area before going anywhere but that’s how it has to be til I can retire, sell out, leave. I wish I could get enough now for my house to leave and start a new life back home, be able to meet healthy, educated older men again, but it simply isn’t gonna happen for awhile. P
    I want out partly because of Narcboy, partly because staying here pretty much ensures I will be alone, partly because the job has ceased to be enjoyable. However, I have built a small farm here from scratch; hard work for one smallish female but it allows me to live my values. No one is worth being stuck in an urban “plastic bag”, apartment, TV life and no one is worth risking my future so close to retirement.

  • Oh, Monica, what a huge fly in the ointment!!! No doubt it is a total Suck Fest to find out Mr. and Mrs. OW have moved to your cul de saq!!! I cannot imagine the shock and horror of bumping into the disbelieving hubby at the neighborhood playground… Please tell my that your child and theirs are not close in age. I’d be terrified if my child befriended theirs because of proximity or attending the same school!

    It would be beyond low if that couple knew that you live on that street prior to buying that house. However, don’t you think your ex might have mentioned where you lived during the affair? Or that OW was nosey and looked it up on her own? I can’t believe that in a small town she would just forget that detail after 2 years…

    I would be leery and very cautious at this point. It’s just TOO weird and, yes, would totally screw up the Land of Meh for me. I got the house when I divorced my ex. My youngest was a teenager. I stayed 3 years in that stinking small town then sold it and moved 800+ miles away once my son was away at college.

    Unless you can develop a very thick skin and ignore the crazy couple down the street, I agree with the chumps and say move somewhere else. Don’t sacrifice your sanity or lose your sense of peace in your home if you don’t have to… Being in close proximity to the OW resonates something along the lines of the Hatfields and McCoys drama. No, thank you!!!

  • Here’s a trick … works in a cold climate if you’re wearing mitts. When you see Fukcouple coming at you, hold up your hand, palm forward, acknowledge them with a twist of the wrist (the royal wave), and keep walking.

    Also known as “how to give them the finger” … 🙂

  • In my first chumped marriage six years ago, I had the luxury of being able to take my time,make my plans, and get my foreign passport which, thanks to my parents’ origin, I was entitled to get. I discovered what STBX had been up to for years as far as affairs go, and I made a rational decision to simply walk away. I did not want to create drama, which would have stressed me out, so I took advantage of the fact that STBX at the time had become a cold uncommunicative fish anyway. I had the time to have long talks with my adult sons, a couple of close friends, and to rent a place to live in my destination country. I started applying for jobs in the new place just to see what my possible cash flow would be. However, I did not broadcast my plan; I thought it counterproductive to try to shame the cheater…who would care anyway? When I was leaving for the last time, EX drove me to the airport and showed little emotion when we said goodbye. So much for 29 years of marriage. I took two large suitcases, and mailed myself a few precious boxes, but everything else I left behind. Wasn’t easy but just did it.

    At first, departing seemed like an impossible dream, but as I realised things would work, I actually started to feel a mixture of anticipation and dread (of the struggles I knew I would likely have). One of the best things I did was detach from the neighborhood and the house. In my mind, I focussed on the negatives and all that HE would have to go through managing that huge house and estate by himself. I had done it all for years while he spent a lot of time away working and farking other women.

    The one thing I did not do was bad mouth him to anyone. It was almost like it would be shaming our family, so I walked away with a fair settlement, an unemotional divorce, and can still now communicate with him if necessary about our adult kids.

    So why was I not entirely surprised when news of our divorce got around the old neighborhood, I got a poison pen email from a supposedly “upstanding citizen” neighbor, telling me what awful person I was to “abandon” my poor husband. They were soooo glad he had found a sympathetic woman to move in and take care of him!! That AP was an old high school friend of his from 1972…ugh…whom he had been bopping on and off ever since. She had stayed single all her life. Professional mistress methinks.

    My reaction? I immediately forwarded the email to my Ex, with a copy to the neighbor, telling Ex to cough up the real story (and I listed the affairs, names, dates etc for credibility) OR …..I would re-open the support case which I would be legally entitled to do. To my surprise, Ex complied, and wrote back with copy to neighbor, that what I had written was correct, and that Marci had been a good wife and mother, and was being unfairly vilified. Never heard a peep out of that neighbor again. Never any apology from Ex either, of course…..he must have been astonished that I had copped to all his affairs and kept records without ever confronting him.

    From this, though, I learned that it does not matter at all what the neighbors think…because they wil invent their own reality and your life is just another item of gossip to them. I am only still in touch with one former neighbor and she is very much like me, philosophical, and perhaps even in awe of what I chose to do.

    When I had a similar but more vicious email,via facebook from my ex-BIL, I went ballistic again. I told Ex he needed to fess up to his family, so he wrote to BIL to tell him to shut up, and that his reasoning was “tragically flawed”. Never heard from them again either. Deleted all the outlaws from facebook, even the nice ones, since they were potential spies. That was sad, but necessary. It’s part of the best form of No Contact.

    So, there are many ways to leave….your STBX. I recommend the no-hysterics choice if possible. Not saying I didn’t cry a lot in private.

    I now live a completely new life. New country, new job, new partner. I see my sons once a year if we make the effort to travel. It is not an ideal outcome, but at least the rest of my life will be spent free, independent, and FAR from the old triggers. It has worked well.

  • Back in the day, I agreed to give up the house I spent a year searching for and 13 years fixing. I loved that place. Why leave? The only way to get free of too much drama was to get away. I didn’t move far enough away at first. Then the stbx brought his whore along to break in on me. Nice touch. When I moved again, it was too far for them to pretend they fell across my property. And my life was mine again. I would suggest a move, to where you want, so you can forget those dirtbags.

  • FWIW, I am not moving, and my STBXW’s last AP owns an independent store in my neighborhood (he lives off his rich mom’s money), and his family name is plastered all over the place because they developed the area.

    Three reasons I am staying:

    1) It’s what my daughter wants – this is her first home, her best friends live in the neighborhood, and she loves her school system.

    2) I love most of my neighbors, they’re amazing and are totally supporting how I am handling the cheating/divorce/etc.

    3) FUCK my cheating STBXW and her doucheblossom AP. Seriously, FUCK them. I haven’t done anything wrong, THEY have. They’re the ones who jettisoned their character and integrity. I walk the neighborhood streets with my head held high. I don’t give a sh*t what the cheaters say about me, what lies they tell others, etc. I’m staying! 🙂

      • MB – not really. I’ve no idea if they’re together or not, and I don’t care. Most of the triggers are no longer triggers for me (that took a lot of work). I sometimes have to see her, and her attorney (who is part time, works for her, and bottom feeds for legal business from drunk drivers, etc.), and the last ap, and they all just seem so pathetic to me that I’m just glad I’m not them.

        • Please share your advice how to work on the triggers. As Tracy mentioned in her post, it feels like my meh card was pulled away from me. How do you deal with the grocery stories, post office, kids games run ins? Saying to myself to just keep my head up high doesn’t help much, unfortunately.

  • Get a lover, and don’t be shy around clueless reconciling husband that you are screwing him. He will either move away or dump OW and start begging on all 4

      • “Reconciling” – he wants cake. Did I get it right?
        An image of the mother of his kids having sex with someone else is totally devastating to a man. Sex. We do not care about emotional connection. If you two are legally separated, you can, w/o cheating. If he is in cake eating phase, he thinks he “owns” both the OW and you. Most male cheaters want the wife more than the OW,
        so, given another man trying to “steal” the wife, the instinct is to “chase” the wife. Or anything else to get the images out. Most male cheaters want both the wife and the OW, and the wife usually has the upper hand.

        Bottom line – he is happy with such a living arrangement as long as you have not moved on.

  • UPDATE friends…. well, that didn’t take long to get a wind of some gossip from my own community… I couldn’t help myself and Iasked one of my neighbors if they have heard of the whore, former OW since they are even closer to her house, about 6 doors down from her. And this is what she says: “oh yees, that woman. ALthough I do not know her well, when she first moved in, she has mentioned to another neighbor that she was starting “fresh” with her marriage. WTF? Anyway, she has also admitted (!!!!) to said neighbor that she was a cheater in her previous relationships (duh, that’s not news to me) and gues what…. ready for this? She has no regrets (what a sociopathic thing to say) because… ready for this? The marriages she broke up were already doomoed and destined to fail. So now I know how home wrecking whores feel at least. Anyone surprised?

    • Awful. What a presumptuous, horrid excuse for a human being. Unrepentant and superior and convinced she has the right to such egregious intrusion into the lives of others. What’s even worse is the deluded belief that she’s sanctioned to do so because those women on the receiving end were ‘doomed anyway’. Really, sweety? Who told you that, your psychic partner?
      To borrow from Dane Cook, I’d like to uppercut her onto an easily collapsible table, preferably one with a large cake on it, or maybe a bowl of punch. So sorry, Monica! I feel your pain on many levels. My ex’s homewrecker taunted me, made fun of me, and passive-aggressively effed with me via Facebook. It’s not enough to entice my children’s father to move 2,000+ miles away from us, you should probably point and laugh at my pain, too. Enraging beyond words. Keep your chin up!!

  • Where does meh go when he moves 2,000+ miles away leaving me a single mom raising our 2 babies in diapers, and about a year and a half later, HomeWrecker gives birth to their new son? How exactly do I explain to my son that his dad is going to raise that child, but not him? My son is 4 now, and I see the pain and confusion in his face. Meh goes right the eff out the window when I see the tears in my son’s eyes. Can meh ever be achieved when there is NO WAY around contact because of children?

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