Last night chump Monica posted that she’d lost her hard-earned “meh” when she learned that the OW and her clueless reconciling husband (who refuses to believe there was ever an affair) are moving down to the end of Monica’s cul-de-sac.
Small town, what are the odds?
She asked me and she asked on yesterday’s post — what would you do? Sell your home? Try and eat the shit sandwich of possibly running into them…. everywhere? Or are you just so mighty, and so healed up, that you’d be indifferent? Whatever! You have no power over my mental real estate any longer OW! Don’t care!
I leave it to you guys to discuss the hypotheticals with Monica. What this dilemma did, however, was underscore an element of Gaining a Life that needs more emphasis — DISTANCE. Healing from this shit, IMO, can only be done from a distance of the cheater, the Switzerland friends, and the affair partners. Not just emotional distance — but PHYSICAL distance. (Says the woman who is 1500 miles from both her exes…) It’s a lot easier to get emotional distance when you have physical distance.
Now, obviously, no contact is not possible when you’re co-parenting. We have to eat those shit sandwiches for the good of our children, at least until they’re 18. And I think for some of us, those fortunate not to be saddled with total NPD loons, in time sharing the kids becomes tolerable. Never ideal, but you do develop “meh… whatever” about the details of your exes lives. If they do ANYTHING to fuck with your kids, however, meh is out the door! It’s tough stuff.
But affair partners — aren’t they supposed to be peripheral?
Yes. But unless the AP was your sister or brother, you are never obliged to see this asshole ever again. Or unless they married your ex and you have to co-parent with them. (Shudder — my huge sympathies to you all.) Failing that — this person should just leave you the hell ALONE, right?
As Meh as I am, I wouldn’t want the OW living in my small town. It was bad enough living around my husband’s ex-wife — and that’s one degree of separation. This person doesn’t consume my thoughts, but I sure as hell don’t want to run into her.
I know that the OW in my story is completely indifferent to the hell she put me through. (And I don’t think affair partners are special, but this one went to some lengths to harass me.) I don’t really ever want to confront that indifference in person. It’s not like she’s going to skulk around in shame or sob or offer her cheap apologies. (I don’t want to run into that either.) It’s that I have a lovely new life that has crowded out my old life. She would symbolize the WORST period of my life. I don’t need a living souvenir. (I also don’t need my high school year books, or that really mortifying photo album, or ugly sweater in my closet either.)
My point is — you can be sincerely moved on — healing! even healed up! It doesn’t make you Less Than if you don’t want to be anywhere around your ex or the affair partners.
So, what are your thoughts?