Please help, I feel so lost, I don’t know what to do. Earlier today I found my husband’s email open, it was an account I didn’t recognize so at first I thought it was one of our kids. Turns out it is an account I had never heard of and he had used it to correspond with his affair partner.
He told me he stopped all communication with the OW in the spring, but I just found emails as recent as October. In the last one he sent, it’s clear they are not together and he’s not trying to get back together with her, he’s APOLOGIZING TO HER! For hurting HER feelings! For not going through with leaving me like he “promised” he would.
I’m a mess. I had to tell my family I was sick and sent the kids to my parent’s house. My husband is out of town until tomorrow so all day I’ve been reading and reading and reading. He wrote that our counseling sessions were a front, to put on the “appearance” of working on fixing our relationship (while continuing to see the OW), his explanation to her is so that it would look like he was “doing everything he could” to work on the marriage, he claimed to be doing it so that I would leave HIM and so that our kids would THINK he was doing everything he could to keep us together.
I also found the emails he said he sent to end the affair. He told me he wrote that it was over, he didn’t want to see her ever again and that the affair was a mistake. What did he actually write?!?! That he loves her, but it would be too EXPENSIVE for him to leave me. That I’m a good mother and a good person, that he does love me, but he’s not “in love with me” He said he loves our children too much to be financially diminished so he decided to be 80% happy (with me) rather than lose 50% of everything. The bitch wrote back, she said “Maybe we’ll find each other again in 5 years.” (That would be when our youngest of three children is 19.) His answer: “You won’t be single in 5 years.”
That was his response.
I don’t know what to do Chump Lady. Before I found these emails things really were starting to feel better than ever. I thought that we had found the reconciliation “unicorn” you talk about. I did. He HAS changed for the better, especially in the last few months. We are going to counseling. He started being generous and kind to me again, he’s started doing the little things, the little things that were missing from our marriage for so many years. I feel like he’s himself again, if that makes sense, I’m starting to see the man I married again. I love him, I do. He’s the only man I’ve ever been with (we went to high school together, started dating when I was 17.)
But now I don’t know what is real anymore. Is it possible for someone to say these sorts of things and then change, for the good, of their own accord? Could he say these horrible things and then actually come to his sense in the end? Could it be lies he was telling the OW? I’m afraid to confront him, I don’t feel strong enough — tomorrow is Christmas, it feels like we’ve come so far, the kids are so happy. (Last Christmas is when the affair started, the holidays were tense. They knew something was wrong. Then in the New Year he left, he told the kids he was leaving me in January. He came back a week later.) I don’t want to do that to them again.
These messages are from the past…. Do I dredge up the past?!?! The affair is over. Things are so good right now. So good up until earlier today. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m going insane.
Devastated at Christmas AGAIN
Twice you’ve written, “I don’t know what to do.” Bullshit. You know exactly what to do. You need to stop believing in unicorns.
You don’t want to do that.
If you think Chump Lady will peddle hopium and tell you that people who are right this minute snowing you will change (poof!) for the good (fairy dust!) of their own accord (unicorn rainbow farts!), you’ve come to the wrong place. I’m the dream crusher — and that’s why you wrote to me. And that’s why you snooped in his email. Because you need your strung out, hopium-huffing ass kicked back into reality.
Look, I’m terribly sorry you found out at the holidays and had to sit through an awful, heart-breaking Christmas. I’m sorry I was off last week and not fielding letters (although I did write back to tell you to lawyer up and not confront). But Daca, better you found out this Christmas instead of wasting more of your life with this cheating asshole.
So let’s recap, okay?
He was cheating and left you last New Year for the OW. But then he returned. Oh hurray! You won the pick me dance! Were there any consequences for him? Did you make your reconciliation contingent on anything like a post-nup? Did you see a lawyer at all? (Apparently he did, because he knows how much this will cost him, so he went back to Door Number CAKE.)
Yeah, I didn’t think so. So he “breaks up” with the OW in total secrecy. You have no idea if there was a breakup, you just take it on faith that it’s over and he’s no contact. How’d that work out for you, Daca?
It didn’t. So now you ask me in your last paragraph Do I dredge up the past?!?! The affair is over.
You don’t know that! And it’s not the PAST. October is what? 9 to 10 weeks ago? You don’t know if he has other email accounts you don’t know of, or other Other Women. All you know is that he goes to counseling and does little, nice things that were missing before. Gosh, and he’s sustained this for entire MONTHS.
That’s a nice intermittent reward of kibbles to keep you on the hook for cake. It’s absolutely ZERO indication that he has changed.
How do I know he hasn’t changed and is still the same old bastard you cannot trust?
He was still communicating with the OW when he told you he wasn’t. Ergo, he still LIES to you. Moreover, he values HER feelings over YOUR feelings. Where’s the “remorse” there? Oh, I think it’s out grazing in a field of unicorns somewhere…
Let’s put your discoveries through the Universal Bullshit Translator.
He wrote that our counseling sessions were a front, to put on the “appearance” of working on fixing our relationship (while continuing to see the OW),
So how can you ever truly know if he’s working on your relationship, of if it’s a “front”?
You don’t. You can either live with that mindfuck or you can leave him. I suggest for your sanity and self-respect that you leave him.
his explanation to her is so that it would look like he was “doing everything he could” to work on the marriage, he claimed to be doing it so that I would leave HIM and so that our kids would THINK he was doing everything he could to keep us together.
Great, so not only is he an asshole to cheat on you, he is the disordered sort of freak who wants to manipulate you into Bad Guy status. He makes your relationship completely untenable with his affair(s), but you’re the jerk for leaving him? He wins impression management with the kids?
Swell guy. What a gem.
I also found the emails he said he sent to end the affair. He told me he wrote that it was over, he didn’t want to see her ever again and that the affair was a mistake. What did he actually write?!?! That he loves her, but it would be too EXPENSIVE for him to leave me.
How’s it feel to be Plan B? Otherwise known as the Obstacle to His Happiness.
That I’m a good mother and a good person, that he does love me, but he’s not “in love with me.”
Do you want a relationship with a man who is not in love with you? But uses you to avoid financial fall out and consequences?
He said he loves our children too much to be financially diminished
If he loved his children, he wouldn’t abuse their mother and fuck around to destroy their intact home life. If he loved his children and wanted a divorce, he could have left you honestly and fairly, and not painted you as the bad guy. He likes CAKE, not children.
so he decided to be 80% happy (with me) rather than lose 50% of everything.
His values are money over people (you, the OW, the kids). How advantageous for him.
The bitch wrote back, she said “Maybe we’ll find each other again in 5 years.” (That would be when our youngest of three children is 19.) His answer: “You won’t be single in 5 years.”
UBT: You’re not the only OW. But you can always circle back for more kibbles!
Daca, please. This guy is a cheater. The “reconciliation” is a joke. He didn’t have a change of heart — he’s still the same lying, deceiving creep he was before. See a lawyer and start protecting yourself today.
And remember YOU are not “doing this” to the kids. HE did it. Start modeling mightiness, and kick the hopium. You don’t have a unicorn. You have a cheater.