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Merry Meh-Mas

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ElfHey Merry Meh-mas everybody! I don’t know if you all celebrate X-mas, but I hope that today, whatever your tradition, you’re celebrating Meh!

As you’ve noticed with the post re-runs, I’ve been taking a week off. I’ll get back to it on Monday and try and decide on a Christmas Freak winner (you make it SO DIFFICULT!)

Meanwhile, I have some homework for you all.

Finish this sentence:

In 2016 I will…

… dump the cheater?

… take up skeet shooting?

… know my worth?

… buy myself new underwear?

… learn Finnish?

… be MIGHTY!

What’s the new year have in store for you?

Happy holidays!

xoxoxo

— Tracy

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • In 2016, I am buying a house and moving full-time to a beach village, rescuing 2 dogs and training them to be therapy dogs, starting my own business and finally living my life for me and those who value me for who I am.
    I am mighty.
    I have integrity.
    I have values and I live by them.
    I am an amazing mother, sister and friend.
    I know my worth.
    If I am in your life, you are lucky to have me as your friend. I will always have your back.
    If you are in my life, you are a good person.
    If you hurt me, betrayed me and disrespected me along the way, your loss.

    • I would like to adopt these goals! Especially the one about the beach village.
      Forever land locked, I will rename myself Happily EVER After

    • Love everything you said, Rebecca! Sounds like a dream life to me, especially the therapy dogs. I’ve been wanting to get into training some type of search and rescue dogs. Good luck to you!

    • I want all the same for my 2016, except I want a acreage in the mountains, four wheelers, and German Shepards or Bernese Mountain Dogs. I love your spirit Rebecca.

    • You’re amazing. Go Becca, go Becca! I’m almost ashamed to say the first thought in my head was to combine CL’s No. 1 and 2. for a satisfying ‘take up cheat shooting.’

  • In 2016 I will first teach Finish by dumping the cheater. Soon after, knowing my mighty worth, I’ll take up skeet shooting in Finnish underwear!

    • ROTFLMRO!!!! Superb, Chumpalumper! Love the ‘visuals’!!

      I am not so creative, so I believe this should be one of my goals for 2016:

      “In 2016, I will become more creative!” (by taking lessons from my friends in Chump Nation!)

      Forge on, all you precious ones….ForgeOn!

    • Meanwhile, screaming: “MITÄ KUULUU, KUSIPÄÄ!” while the skeet shooting targets are our cheaters. 😀

      (One of my little not-so-secret things is that I know the basics of Finnish and Scandinavian languages in general, more so the latter *blush*)

  • In 2016, I will be adopting a ‘senior citizen’ cat. They need love just as much as kittens, so an old cat for an old bird it is!! Happy New Year to one and all and here is to a Meh 2016.

    • So glad to hear you’ll have a sweet (& loyal) new furry friend with you in 2016, Maree! Been thinking of doing the same this year as well.

      It’ll be one year since finalizing the divorce on Dec. 30. I know I accomplished and learned quite a bit in 2015: ran my first half marathon and multiple 5k runs for charity (mind & body), have had both me and teen daughter continue with counseling and I also met with my priest almost weekly (spiritual & emotional), and so I feel I’ve done a good job taking care of the “caregiver.” I continued to volunteer as a soccer coach and at my daughter’s high school most weeks, but I’ve felt a growing feeling that something is missing.

      I thought it was the “holidays” junk after 23 years wasted on the serial cheater, but I know I’d take the solitude I have now EVERY night over his cheating ass any day. I had already pursued continued education and professional accreditation prior to DDay (you know…it’s how he had so much time on his hands and dick), and I have a great career and take care of me and my daughter (his deadbeat ass hasn’t paid a dime in 6 months; have a lawyer on it) so the unsettled feeling isn’t about that aspect of my life. Our grown son and teen daughter both choose NC with the douche, so I can’t complain there, either.

      So I’ve decided in 2016 it’s about going further in my mental and physical discipline through distance running, and also about being of service to others to get outside my head. In spring, I’ll go for my first full marathon at 41. I’ve also just coordinated a two-week donation drive at my daughter’s high school for homeless Veterans and a local food bank. I will coach my grandson’s pee-wee soccer team, and get as much love that a dozen 4 year-olds can throw (or kick!) at me.

      Finally, I will stop worrying and feeling bad about whether or not here is a Mr. Darcy out there for me, and about each day feeling like more time from my life being wasted by not being truly loved. I will resolve to give this issue up to God. It’s been hard wanting love (was alone for most of the 17-year sham “marriage”), but not hard or lonely enough for me to want to invest any of my time or energy in a potential lying douchebag. I guess that’s how I know I’m not ready to even look yet, so I’ll just continue commit to service, and leave the rest alone.

      Merry Christmas & Happy 2016 to all Chumps! And massive appreciation, respect, and thanks to you, Tracy, for everything. <3

    • Indeed, the senior pets need love too!

      I’ll happily forego the puppy phase. Someone has to pick up the pieces when the puppies lose their “cuteness” and irresponsible people get rid of them….

      Admittedly, I have a hard time adopting a truly senior pet – I want enough years with them to make the pain of losing them worth it… I’m selfish that way…

      • Snakebite, I do understand you wanting to have enough years with them to make the pain of losing them worth it. My daughter has an 18 year old black and white cat she got when the cat was 6 weeks old. She is not the prettiest little girl cat but she is what I like to refer to as my furry 4 legged granddaughter!! I have not been able to see her or pick her up for 4 years now as my daughter has cut me from her own life. I used to pay for all of the cat’s vet bills, when we had her stay with us for 2 years whilst our daughter travelled, we put in a cat park because we lived in an apartment which had a fantastic terrace. All the little things we did and never once did our daughter offer anything at all. I see little bits about the cat on my son-in-law’s twitter account and he posts current pictures which I take copies of. I sound like a lonely old hag, don’t I? But I am bracing for the time when this little cat leaves us and it will be a truly sad day when that happens. You see, I was very much a dog person until this little cat came into our lives at 6 weeks old and I have loved her dearly ever since. So now I tend to lean towards cats a bit more.

  • Merry Christmas fellow chumps! I hope each of you have some peace and happiness today.
    For 2016
    Finalize divorce – why does it have to take so long?
    Keep pursuing meh by focusing on me for once
    Buy that motorcycle and start having some fun
    Keep pursuing new and meaningful friendships

        • These are great goals lostntx. I took the Motorcyle Safety Class in 2014 and got the motorcyle endorsement on my license, but never got the bike. Fast-forward to 2015 and I have moved out and on after 20+ years. I filed the paperwork, just waiting to finalize.
          #FREEDOM

      • I do plan on the motorcycle. I hear bmw is great for touring. I plan to start more modestly. Looking at a yamaha bolt.

    • I would love to get a Can-Am Spyder if I can afford it when all is said and done. I’m not sure I want to entrust these old bones to a two-wheeled cycle, but I’d love a fun way to get around. I gave up small sportscars for big dogs, but I still feel the need for speed 😀

      Remains to be seen how badly the snake is able to fuck me over financially…. Hopefully I can fulfill that little dream of mine…

        • One of the parting messages was he couldn’t get anywhere with me. Financially, he preferred to spend his money in pot, alcohol, drums, and his junk car. That’s where they end up when stunted. Now after getting stuck with all his credit card debt, no proof of income, and having to pay his own income tax he has to buy a vehicle using a credit card. Looking at the painted paneled walls of a whores dumpy apartment, waking up to a bar whore, and having no way out is all on him. Financially, I’ve roughed it supporting my son and granddaughter. At the end of the tunnel there is light for me as I have a good income, small debt, and my situation is temporary as my son completes his masters program in the spring and will be self supporting. The difference between chumps and cheaters is that we have the ability to work on ourselves and gain a life. Their limbo becomes a personal hell.

  • In 2016 – new underwear is a priority (they all fell apart at once!); continue to focus on my health and well-being; and continue to be grateful for all of the blessings I can count in this new life.

    Merry Christmas to the CN and to CL — may it be a new season of peace and healing and pine cone elves! Yea!

    • Redo my bedroom & buy all new lingerie!

      Starting new job…it really does get better: every time I had to reach out my foot to step, ground was there, and I had what I needed. Part of being mighty is having faith!

  • In 2016 I WILL CONTINUE TO BE MIGHTY! I will continue to blog, I will speak my truth, I will live authentically and I WILL heal.

    In 2016 I WILL CONTINUE to reclaim my life. I will do more shows. I will continue to lose the weight that this shitty excuse for a marriage caused me to gain. I will spend time with friends and family. I will travel, volunteer, laugh, dance, sing and love.

    In 2016 I WILL CONTINUE to be the best mother I can be to both of my wonderful sons, the best daughter I can to my amazing parents, the best sister I can to my sisters and brother, and the best friend I can to the people who have been there to support me through this journey. That includes all of you wonderful people here at CN. You’ve been my sanity and my lifeline, probably more than you realize.

    In 2016 I WILL file for divorce and remove every trace of Fat Bastard from my life.

  • Merry Christmas everyone!! 2016 will hopefully bring peace at my new life situation (am 6 months dday). I keep waiting for the rage to hit me but it hasn’t yet so maybe this 2016 will bring some clarity and acceptance to how I am truly feeling inside.

    On a practical note in 2016

    – I will be moving house in january and living alone (as a single mum with a three year old) for the first ever time.
    – teach my son to play football and ride a bike
    – take my son on holiday
    – get a contract at my job as opposed to just supply teaching.
    – and most importantly FIGURE out what I want!!!

      • And neither did I. The fact that I never achieved real anger has bothered me…I search for why I haven’t felt that emotion. I only seemed to have profound sadness and grief. I am glad to see some of you saying this.
        I am so much better and can see that 2016 is going to be a good year. In March it will be two years since “Get Out” (and he did).
        I agree….we get to Meh on our own timeline and in our own way. This Christmas was so much better than last year…I even had moments of Joy with my children and grandchildren. I thought of all of us in the nation yesterday and today and said a prayer that all would be comforted and lifted up by someone who loves you. Blessings to my nation.

        • I keep waiting for the anger to hit and get concerned that either it means that I am not dealing with my emotions. I feel irritated that I have to up root my whole life but not anger.

          I don’t even feel sad or grief most of the time it’s just acceptance at it ending and am organising what I need to do next.

          maybe I knew it was over along time ago. A few years ago I was crying all the time and maybe grieving for my bad relationship but so far have not felt that. Occasional crying times but not a lot. …. has anyone else had this..

          I am more sad for my son than me

          • Yes to all of you…I too have never felt anger toward satan’s behavior…just really sad and lost…had truck loads of anxiety and grief but no anger.

            I am completely free now and still no rage…no anger…

            I think I win!!!!! 😀 I think we all do!!!! We are FREE!

        • I’ve been waiting to feel anger and wondered if I’ve lost the strength and unable to get over feel defeated. For a long time all I felt was acceptance just recently I’ve started to feel a great deal of sadness, disappointment and regret. I haven’t felt anger despite all the hurtful things that X has denounce his departure.
          Perhaps in my subconscious I knew it was over long before X left. Recently I’ve had more
          crying bouts. The smallest memory or thought will trigger tears, with some anxiety.
          Lots of regret regarding my son when I see the negative affect X’s disordered thinking has had on him. Sadness that I’ve lost my family and memories, I looked forward to growing old with the man I married, who I thought would be here to share our memories of our years together.
          I feel robbed, shattered and broken.
          Disappointed and hurt that X could throw everything away without any regret.
          Hurt that X could be so cruel..

          • I googled divorce the other day and I started reading about divorce and loneliness and I finally realized with my husband leaving me, that I actually wouldn’t be any lonelier. Although that’s a little sad, it’s kind of a relief. I’ve already done a lot of the hard work about making friends, doing things on my own (I did everything on my own). I was really mad along the way though. Trying to fix it, begging my husband to do stuff with us, all to no avail. He would never work on stuff he just checked out. Who knows? Maybe a part of me has already accepted all this stuff about my husband but I just didn’t realize it. I sparkled the last part to spare my ego. He’s working so hard for our family!! Hmm not really.

            • Kay

              I too did everything by myself. The Limited was too busy. How do you explain to your whire your going away with you bitchy wife. They have to live the lie. All those years if waiting are OVER. It’s a huge red flag when 1 they can’t make plans 2 they complain about what you do do together
              X wanted to jump off the cruise ship. Fuck if only I knew I would have gave the fucking drunk a hand. That was 12 years ago and he was still complaining. Drop dead asshole. Lol.

              • Today as I was cleaning house I thought of how frustrating it was for me when I’d ask X to do something I needed help with or couldn’t do myself.
                His answer would always be “okay, but not right now.” I’d ask again and his answer would be “I told you I would do it, not right now,” if I’d remind him that he had told me the same thing last year, his answer.., “you just want to watch me jump through hoops.” Another response would be “here you go again,I told you I would do it, just not right now”! I found a shelf I wanted X to hang in our sons room when our son was three, out son wanted a shelf to display his Star Wars toys on at the time. The shelve is still in the closet with the hardware. Our son is now 23 years old.
                After our son was born X lost interest in doing things. Family activities were usually met with resistance. If we were able to convince X to go someplace
                he would be miserable, a wet blanket. Sad when our son was young I remember him trying to get his dad to smile. I would baby him trying to get him to relax and enjoy himself and his family.
                Complained about everything from driving, people in public, what they should and shouldn’t be doing, other peoples driving. X was an angry driver, constantly complaining and seeking revenge on all the other drivers on the road. Blocking other drivers, purposely not letting them change lanes, passing other drivers who he thought were paying him on the road purposely.. Constant bitching about everyone on the road.
                I can only imagine what his negative thoughts were regarding me before he left.., the list can only be endless as he was home quite often with his job, Which made me his focus of critscm.

          • Brit, I think they have regret…just not like we do…regret that they lost their ‘normal’ lives and EXCELLENT spouse appliance.

            My oldest son told me on Christmas day, ‘Dad is about the most miserable man on earth. He doesn’t want you to know but you can see it on his face and in his behavior. He is always moaning about missing you and wants information about you. I just tell him this is what you wanted Dad…Karma’s a bitch and she lives with you now. Deal with it. Mom is gone.’

            …wow…just wow…

            But, I realize all satan is missing is his normal life with his excellent spouse appliance…other than that he is having the time of his life and oh well…not my circus not my monkeys…

              • I too wonder about the lack of rage. I was crazed with anger for a really, really long time at every new injustice (from cheating to withholding, the uncovered lies, etc.) while we were together. He could barely muster any fake show of remorse and it left me on fire with rage. I couldn’t suppress it. I couldn’t just let the unresolved issues, the unspoken apologies, go. I was so wrapped up in having the wrong sufficiently recognized – and it never, ever was.

                Now I just feel grief too, no anger, and it also concerns me. I miss him a lot and when I try to remind myself of his awful behaviour all these years to smash the sorrow into something logical, it often feels fake. I just can’t seem to reason with the grief most days.

                Lately I’ve been blaming myself for the final discard by ruminating on the anger I expressed. Even though my rage was unquestionably justified, I beat myself up for not just playing nice and acquiescing more often. As in, I would be generally agreeable and willing to make my needs so tiny as long as he would stop. Then I could put down my rage. But it never happened and never resolved. And now I’m spinning my wheels thinking about someone who’s gone forever.

              • ‘Circular thinking’ sucks Sad in Seattle…I know where you are, I was there for a long, long time…if only I had ____ whatever, yep, I did the same thing. I now realize, as you will soon, thinking we could ever control the outcome is sheer folly on our part! All that staying with our soul sucking cheaters would have accomplished is further killing ourselves for their happiness. …if lying, cheating and abusing another can actually be called ‘happiness’.

                Ugh…I’d pity their emptiness if I had time for the stupidity…I don’t! We WIN our freedom from their insanity with our re-built hearts! WE ARE MIGHTY and not afraid to BE FREE!

                Slap that coward in the face and tell him to GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN! You are worth more than whatever crumbs that asshole was leaving for you.

                It is hard, Sad, I know, but you will find your way out of your narc designed maze to find the sun warm on your smiling – albeit tear stained – face! And you won’t look back into the soul sucking, black abyss that is your narc’s ‘people prison’. You WILL BE FREE! 😀

                Hugs to you Sad!!!! Like someone else posted here – the pain you are feeling is your spirit healing!!!!!

              • I have been blaming and blaming myself. Thinking that if I had just done the perfect thing then everything would have gone differently. My friend said something that has really eased my heart. She said that a relationship is a gift from God and not something you have to earn. And boy have been trying to earn it. I’ve felt so bad about myself because no matter what my husband has been so irritated with me. Now I see that If my husband sincerely repents and changes his ways, that is a gift. If we divorce I have a second chance at life and that is a gift too. I will not be bound to his frankly evil ways (at this time anyway). He has controlled enough of my life and he is only one person. Unfortunately I’m a chump through and through and I need to change a lot of things ie friends etc.

              • Kay, SadinSeattle, etc.: Here is your 2 x 4. I know all your stories from the past year + of reading. Put this on your bathroom mirror: YOUR MARRIAGE WAS DOOMED FROM THE START AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU COULD HAVE DONE ABOUT IT.

                There is NO room for two people’s needs in a relationship with a Cluster B. Their motive is control, and their own pleasure. As soon as you danced well enough in one arena (say, Riverdancing) to “satisfy” them, the ground would shift and they would demand you learn the Flamenco. As soon as you were proficient in the Flamenco, they would demand HipHop proficiency.

                How small could you make your own needs? Watch some horrific docudrama on slavery in ancient Roman times or pre-Civil War era, where one person was reduced to a near non-entity in total subjugation to their owner’s warped desires. Does that look appealing, even at a mild level? Is that how you would have wanted your children to see you? Others to remember you? That was your option. I am glad you chose freedom and dignity, even if it hurts.

                By all means, grieve what you lost (or thought you lost; cheaters are masters of illusion). If you can’t get angry, fine. But don’t kid yourselves that you could have done anything to change the outcome. It was a rigged game from the start, we just didn’t know it.

              • Tempest is absolutely right. There is no remorse only entitlement. Now that asswipe knows I’m moving very far away, refuse to ever see him again and refuse to be “friends” he has ramped up the mean to epic proportions. He has his new ho, her house, her money, her family, her life I asked him what the fuck do you need me for? Sputter, sputter, boil, rage. I got no apology, just, it just happened, if I could go back in time, if someone told me a year ago, I could have never imagined. Yada yada yada. Why the hell do they go off with the new and still want the old. Its over, done, finished, door has closed. I’ve let go why won’t he the motherfucker, he gets no sympathy or kibbles from me, just the cold shoulder. Stupid bastards and bitches!

              • satan is the same kar marie…showed up across my new driveway as soon as he found out where I am…

                I texted him LEAVE ME ALONE YOU SICK FUCK

                …seems to have worked for like a minute…asshole that he is.

                They don’t think of us as actual people…just things…and they don’t like to lose their ‘things’ and they don’t like to share their ‘things’

                Cowardly little boys and girls…that is all they are.

              • Sorry for all the spelling/grammar errors in my last post above. Not sure how I made so many errors, Hope it’s legible..,

            • How small could you make your needs? This would make a great one for a cartoon and to open up for chump responses.
              When I told him I had needs he responded with a raging YOU have needs as if he was oblivious. He was only concerned with his needs which always shifted to the Tango.

              • Thank you, friends.

                I think the problem is I’m only six weeks out of it. I was reading some old texts this morning (gathering evidence for my lawyer) and till Nov. 16, he was telling me he wanted to fix the marriage, that he loved me. Then Poof! He’s been MIA since and now our lawyers are doing the talking. Not a peep from him. I still can’t believe it.

                When I said I loved him, when I agreed – at the 11th hour, after the house was sold – to give it another shot, though I was tremendously skeptical, I truly meant it. When I went to that last counselling appointment, if he had demonstrated in any way that he was truly sorry, if he would have held my hand, hugged me, anything, I would have stopped this train in its tracks. But it didn’t happen.

                He was so slick – always. He always said and did just enough – not ever a pinch more – to keep me dancing. By the end, it took practically nothing, just the odd text and dinner together, and I was hopeful. And now there’s just a black hole where hope lived.

                I really don’t know how I’ll undo all this damage to see him for what he really is. I know I’m pining for a figment of my imagination but that thought is so hard to process when he’s out re-starting his life with a new Shmoopie, leaving me in the dust like I’ve been the problem all along. It feels like every horrible thing he’s ever said about me has come true, that upon closer consideration, I was not worthy. It’s humiliating and heartbreaking.

                He’s the definition of a sparkly narc and has everyone else so fooled. The world believes he’s amazing – he’s never close enough to anyone for them to find out otherwise. Only his next longterm partner will know the truth (it took me a decade to find it out, though, and I was an amazing detective).

                I really hate this Christmas. The pain has been unrelenting. I just can’t stop thinking about all the ways I went wrong. I really hope 2016 is better.

              • Sad…you will get there I promise…I did 🙂 …and I was with my sparkly narc for 36 years…he cheated, lied and gaslighted me the whole time…if he hadn’t started physically abusing me – read breaking my bones – I would probably still be right there with him. In the end I just couldn’t take anymore so I divorced him.

                Nothing he did is on you it’s all on him.

                We got your back, come rest here and heal Sad {{{HUGS}}}

        • When now deadhusband was actively victimizing me with his covertnarc ways, I only had spurts of anger, mostly I was sad, very sad.

          I was sad for SO long…I grieved and grieved and grieved…and hoped and hoped and hoped. One day about 6+ years after Dday and years into wreckonciliation, I lived yet another day with a person who did not value me and I was in the shower asking God “why do you let e grieve so?”. I wanted to stop grieving.

          It wasnt too long after that nowdeadhusband dropped over suddenly. As a wife still high on hopium, I grieved what I actually lost (even though he was an ass, he was still the partner I shared my daily life with) and I grieved a lot for the hope I had for him to become “The Guy I Knew He Could Be”.

          I was sure that God had a great plan for me, so 6 months after his death, I was ready to see what was around the next corner. I had a balance of grief and optimism.

          Until I found the cheating shit in his personal effects. Fucker.

          and now Im mad, Ive been crazy mad a few times over the past months since I learned the worst of it but now Im simmering low-level mad.

          But “mad” still feels better than “hurt” and Im owning that shit

          Im hoping to get to a place where I can put the whole fucking mess in its place and put it up in my mental china cabinet and close the door on it. I think its easier to do that when you are mad rather than hurt.

          I work with bereaved parents and part of what I do is honoring their pain…I dont ignore it, forget it, tell them its not so bad or hit them with an “at least you____” statement. I dont think people heal from painunless or until they look straight at it and honor it.

          My goal is to know when “honoring” ends and when “wallowing” begins.

          • Unicornnomore

            I literally had to stop myself from giving him my power. One of the maddening thoughts was how he could meet someone and within weeks move in with a whore and abandon every aspect of his life including his children and granddaughter. I will never know the entire truth. Still now I have to force myself to recognize when I am giving him credit for things he no longer has control over.
            Then there’s relief and my balance is restored. I know that every single deceitful act of the sociopath was under his control.
            What did it for me was when my daughter unravelled the debth of his evil and the pain both my daughters suffered when I was unaware of the gravity of his ability to manipulate me into following his lead and believing he was capable of love.
            I had to forgive myself for unknowingly giving him the power and control to hurt my children and blame it in me. The evidence was always there all along.
            We are healing together and my daughters see him as having serious mental illness left untreated.
            We are moving forward past the grief and destruction he caused. I no longer attempt to unravell what he did in the past. He can no longer hurt us. Whatever chaos he creates will no longer penetrate my thoughts or life. I recognize it as something a stranger might do when I’m traveling. I can observe from a distance and walk past it and continue to see the sights.

            • Asswipe did the same met whore juice six weeks later moved in with her abandoning everything but his work. Who just throws a lifetime and family away like that like its nothing. And his dog freaked out would wait at the gate for him o come back he would lay out there for hours awaiting for him to come back. I had to physically go and get the dog and bring him in.ex said big deal so what the dog doesn’t care. He never saw him waiting. Broke my heart the dog doesn’t understand. Now the dog will barely look at him, the dog went everywhere with him was in his business with him every day, listened only to him. Now the dog avoids him and listens only to me and is up my butt afraid I’m gonna leave him. And asswioe yells and screams at him when the dig won’t listen. His business is still here is why he’s here a lot and I keep my dogs away from him. House is being sold and me and my babies will be long gone.

            • Donna–you’re an inspiration! You’re right–complete waste of time and mental energy trying to figure out these cheaters’ psyches and motives and thought processes. Every once in a while I get a glimpse into what it might be like to think like them, but, poof, then it evaporates as I cannot get my mind wrapped around their faulty cost-benefit analysis.

              I’m sorry for your daughters and their suffering. My oldest saw her father for a few hours yesterday and came back quiet. I think she is sad about having a broken family when most of her friends have these tight-knit family units. My X has condemned her to a life of splitting Christmases between us. Does he care? No, he doesn’t even consider that she might not want to spend time with his new replacement family less than a year after the divorce. Fucker.

              [on a more positive note–I finally posted a forum in private:general about a summer chump vacation, for anyone interested.]

              • Thank you Tempest. This morning I told my granddaughter that being together was my greatest gift.

                Going through this together has made all the difference. My therapist talks about the highs and lows and this is the only other place to share. Thanks for always being there.

                I’m looking forward to the Chump Vacation!!

              • Fab, Jeep!! Get thee to the forums and add your name. I’m excited for the trip already (and feeling lucky–who’s up for a day of white-water rafting?).

          • Sad, it took me a very long time to realize the horrible things X said to me weren’t true.
            I had put him on a pedestal.
            X is one of the sparkly people, bright, works out, health conscious, nice physique, funny, intelligent, has an exciting job. Tells great stories, personable, people who don’t know him love X. I don’t know how many times I heard, you are so lucky to be married to him. Not many people know who he really is.
            Keep reading the posts and info here, your X is disordered and selfish.
            You did nothing wrong.. You’ll see. you’re much better off without him.

            • Sad

              Cheaters love it when we are left bathing in their shit. We wonder what we did wrong as they blame their actions on us rather than facing themselves. Don’t accept the blame! You never deserved to be disrespected or discarded. Get pissed!! Not at yourself rather the asshole who was selfish and cruel. lol that false hope is designed to keep you off balance. See a lawyer, gather all financial doccuments, and see an attorney. He is biding time. Protect yourself and any assets you have together. Believe he sucks and is NOT going to have your interests in mind. I know it’s hard to do in your situation given the feeling of paralysis in the months after DDay. I waited three months to file and his whore wanted him to get my pension. I kept it because I had enough evidence to bury him. Don’t wait to file.

      • Kay,
        Not saying this is the case…. I think as women we sometimes get programmed not to get righteously pissed… We are told to cross our legs, use yr napkin and be a lady. We never are allowed to use the primal emotion of anger. Thats bad manners. Our mother role modeled the same. Sucking it up. Dont make other people uncomfortable with yr anger.
        When I was raped ( long time ago) I suffered a lot of secondary wounding from the misguided and unsolicited advice of family and friends. I didnt get angry. I was afraid. And sad. And changed forever. I sucked it up. I isolated myself.
        A very loving friend took me rock climbing… Somewhat against my will. At the top of my climb I had to let go and repel down… When I finally did ‘ let go’ The world flooded in and I didnt care if I died or not in that moment.
        Shortly after that I took up boxing. I thought it would be a great way to build confidence and let out some repressed anger. I had great technique. I was fast. Hard hitting. I even had a coach who wanted to work with me. One catch… I sucked at the ‘ fight’ I could take a hit. I could block a hit… I couldnt finish the opponent. I didnt have it in me. My opponent had the kill drive… I did not. I was given a thousand scenarios from my coach… It still could not stir up the warrior in me. My boxing career was short. What did I learn? That if I wanted to… I could finish the fight. I could make the hit if i had to. This wasnt my life… It was a ring… And it was a game. At the end of the match we would shake or hug. The fight was left in the ring.
        When my ex blew up our lives I didnt have a ring to leave the fight in. For the first time in my life I had to fight. Such a different game when the opponent is someone u thought loved you. Only when I got righteously pissed and developed tunnel vision could I look at him with clarity. Monster.
        Anger, it is an uncomfortable emotion and so socially unacceptable. Make me feel bad for feeling angry??? Ya , now I have a whole lot of unsolicited advice about my anger! Why? Because I am a challenge to their balance. Thats all.
        I am not an ‘ angry ‘ person. I am a person with anger directed at an event that happened to me. And maybe just maybe I will be angry about that for awhile. Thats ok. I will not allow people to silence me anymore for their comfort. I dont sit a cocktail parties and lament and spit venom about my cheating ex and my broken family. No. I see the good in people. I love life. I have goals. I am blessed with a wonderful kid and great friends. I found the warrior in me. She can be angry bitch when she needs to. She takes care of business. She shows my daughter that I have worth, our family had worth and nobody has a right to shit on it. She is strong. She is kind. She is a bad motherfucker in a mini van playing eighties music.
        2016… I embrace the warrior in me.

        • I didn’t get angry once in 28 years of our 30 year marriage. Until the last years after I found out about the cheating and fucking me over bullshit. I shocked and scared asswipe big time he never knew I was capable of rage and anger way worse than his. I learned to control my temper long before I met him.when he witnessed it shocked the hell out of him. Asswipe no longer has any good thinking skills other than his dick or wallet. And now like the whore bought him deed and title, he’s trying to do it with our children. Pre whore juice cheap and stingy with them. Post whore juice buy them whatever they want!!! Me thinks an asshole is a foot. Soon I will be away from here and never have to see that lying ugly face again. And for 2016….perfect! My marriage experience has convinced me, never again!

    • Confused, Kay, BlownAway, & Brit: Your Amazon anger packages must have been mis-delivered to me ‘cuz I got more of it than I should; I’ll forward them (you’ll know them because they’ll arrive in “How Dare You Treat Me Like That!” wrapping paper).

    • I’ve looked up “Stages of Grief” and found this:

      “The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief. Not everyone goes through all of them or in a prescribed order. Our hope is that with these stages comes the knowledge of grief ‘s terrain, making us better equipped to cope with life and loss. At times, people in grief will often report more stages. Just remember your grief is an unique as you are.”

      http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/

      Once again, it is important to interpret the stages loosely, and expect much individual variation. There is no neat progression from one stage to the next. In reality, there is much looping back, or stages can hit at the same time, or occur out of order. So why bother with stage models at all? Because they are a good general guide of what to expect. …Outsiders do not understand this, and feel that it should be time for you to “get over it” and rejoin the land of the living. Just knowing that your desire to be alone with your sad reflections at this time is normal will help you deal with outside pressures. You are acting normally. They just don’t “get it”.

      Here is the grief model we call the 7 Stages of Grief:

      SHOCK & DENIAL-

      PAIN & GUILT- As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn’t do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

      ANGER & BARGAINING-

      “DEPRESSION”, REFLECTION, LONELINESS-

      More 7 stages of grief…

      THE UPWARD TURN-
      As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your “depression” begins to lift slightly.

      RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
      As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

      ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
      During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

      You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.

      You have made it through the 7 stages of grief.

      http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

      I skipped over “bargaining” with him pretty much and never will either, and “denial” was brief- the first couple months after D-Day, even after he moved out, I pretty much lived in this thought processing that he would be back, his OWhore would dump him, etc. … , but quickly got out of that mind-set…I’ve been more along the lines of the other three for sure- depression, check. Anger, check. Acceptance even, check.

      I’ve said this to many friends, I’m not as hurt as I am pissed, but some have asked, “WHY are you pissed?” and I have to pause and think through why I’m pissed— like ChumpLady says when we Chumps are called “bitter” we should own it, so hell yeah I’m bitter/angry/jaded at him, and what he does & says make me angry, but am I vengeful, vindictive, twisted angry? No, not at all, just angry enough to tell him firmly, “No” and not give him one ounce of anything extra out of me .

      I hope this helps you all, I know it really did me to rationally, logically, tell myself, “This (whichever part I am/was going through at the moment) is part of the process…own it…recognize it…you will be OK, you will be OK…”

  • As 2015 comes to a close, I will be joining my fellow chumps in giving 2015 the bird- thank you, @gepster for the inspiration- and welcoming 2016 with open arms as I continue to walk in MEH!!!

    2016 I shall continue to lose weight, keep being a great mom to my 3 kids + 1 daughter-in-law, keep being a fantastic friend to the people that have literally been my lifesaver, a good sister, niece, and grand-daughter, and continue to live mightily!!!

    I cannot express enough to you all- ChumpNation, ChumpLady/Tracy how much this site, this “family” of chumps I have come to know and love this year–

    Peace, mightiness, love, and Jedi hugs to all,

    MollyX

    • AmilFree–and everyone else out there in CN–DO NOT let a dr put you on Xanax long term. I was put on a very low dose of 1mg/day max for sleeplessness/anxiety/PTSD. I was extremely cautious and judicious taking it. I became an ‘accidental addict’ (google it, there are many thousands of us)—I never craved or abused it, just took it exactly as prescribed –no more than 1 mg in 24 hrs.

      I missed one dose and my brain and body went into a tailspin within 8 hrs. I cannot begin to express the discomfort.

      Xanax withdrawl is horrendous, it took me months to incrementally wean off it and one year later, I still have lingering symptoms that hit out of blue. It is described by addiction specialists as being worse than coming off heroin addiction. I believe it.

      On a brighter note—-Wishes for a better year for everyone in 2016!!!

      • I think everyone is different. I took very low of Xanax after DDay and came out OK. Not sleeping can literally make you insane. It’s dangerous and can prevent you from making good choices. I’d consult a doctor to help make the right decision for yourself.

      • To clarify, I was prescribed Xanax by a psychiatrist. I realize I may have given the impression it was given by a GP or other doctor not qualified to do so.

        Merry Christmas, everyone!

        • I second what Hesatthecurb said. I was on Xanax for 2 months to sleep, also taking very low dose, no cravings, felt great because I could sleep and the drug does trigger gaba receptors. Then found my short term memory was getting very messed up so I stopped taking it. Really bad withdrawals here too. I will never take that crap again.

      • So sorry you went through that. Benzo withdrawal is terrible, I’ve seen it quite a few times. Glad you’re weaned off the xanax

        • That’s what the Ho neighbor was giving my H. He’s an ALCOHOLIC. I wish I could have had her arrested, for being a pusher, Ugh.

    • Precious AmilsFree,

      PTSD is pretty standard after dealing with a cheater. (unfortunately!) Some of us also dealt with it due to other traumas in our life, so it can really be a bugger to deal with!

      I prefer natural / alternative therapies. One of the number one things that helped me overcome PTSD was acupuncture. Be picky in choosing a practitioner. I also did other things, including diet changes, supplements & biofeedback, but not until I was treated by the Master Acupuncturist did I finally actually fully recover. I do not have any more symptoms of the PTSD, something I dealt with nearly all of my life. It is TOTALLY gone!

      I have always had a VERY tight budget, so I choose things that were both effective and inexpensive. I am not the only one that has found that those are often the best solutions! Going into debt to find solutions would have only added to my issues!

      Take care and ForgeOn!

    • The only thing that helped me with PTSD was EMDR therapy – do try it. I need to go back again but it made a huge difference! Merry Christmas!

      • I started with acupuncture for my physical symptoms of PTSD. Worked great!!!! I added cupping into the mix and my body feels amazing. Hoping to start EMDR therapy in January to deal with my mental and emotional issues.

  • in 2016, continue to count all the blessings bestowed upon me. Consider the contrast between being married to a fake and being loved by real honest friends and family, be amazed all over again. Hope to be the blessing in their lives that they have been in mine.

    Writing…Started something. Aim to see where it goes.

    Discover me at the ripe age of 61. It seems to get better and better.

    Greet each day with a heart of full of joy.

  • I am looking forward to 2016!!! 2.5 years after d-day, 1.5 years after divorce, 1 year after buying the cutest little house ever, I’m finally feeling some serious PEACE!! The next year will be mostly about getting my financial life in order. That means organizing a budget, savings plan, and business plan. There will also be fun projects like painting some rooms in the cutest little house ever, expanding the vegetable garden, and planting some fruit trees. I’m also very excited about incorporating meditation into my daily routine and also getting back into music and art (playing guitar, singing, watercolor painting). I just told some of my friends last night that I feel like myself again and I feel good, happy and excited about the future!! I will be spending today with my family and enjoying the Christmas miracle of MEH!!!

    • Good for you, Flowerlady. I was able to keep the house in our divorce settlement and am anxious to do some projects, as well. Good luck to you!

  • 2016 …finalize my divorce….take time to just be
    No big decisions…no deadlines…no countdowns. That will be refreshing. All the last 3 years have been countdowns to hearings.

    My boss…who is also my divorce attorney has offered me a full time legal assistant position if I want it. I am a hairdresser by trade. I still love doing hair but it is physically demanding….I’m not getting any younger. My divorce has been great apprentice training in the legal field. I strangely like it. It’s a change, and job security.

    The last 3 months have been the hardest. I had my walk thru of my house….which the Whore and her sons live in even tho we aren’t divorced. It was a double edged sword. I got word he got financing….which again cut at me…I’m wanted the house sold…I’m wanted him to feel the pain of losing something…and people don’t bring that out in him.

    I’m not at Meh….hard to be when it’s Christmas Eve and I get a phone call from the Police because he is up to something….

    Thank you Chumps for being there…to shed light and love on the situations that we find ourselves in. Without this place….I’d be in jail this Christmas….if my stbx has his way I will anyways. I did it before…. I can handle what he throws at me.

    Merry Christmas!!!!

    • Outstanding to gift yourself a divorce! This could be the gift that keeps on giving. I gifted myself permission to resign from a volunteer position that was starting to drain the life out of me. Am looking forward to a more peaceful 2016. Best wishes on the road to meh!

  • I will continue to move forward, remember that he is an empty shell of a person and know deep in my heart that I made the best decision for my son and myself. Divorcing him was the best Christmas gift I could have given myself in 2015.

    Happy New Year to CL and CN. Reading your posts, hearing my life reiterated within your shared pain, has helped me heal and realize that his cheating was on him…NOT ME!!! It has taken me more than a year to understand this. Thank you so much and here is to an amazing 2016 for all of us!!! =)

  • I will start writing a novel featuring the mindfuckery in my marriage to Hannibal Lecher, because ‘fiction’ avoids the legal pitfalls of a memoir ; )

  • To 2015: Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.

    My last New Year’s resolution was to welcome 2015 as my worst year ever by sucking it up and finally leaving the shitbag. That, and losing 10 pounds.

    I’ve achieved goal #1 and was about halfway to goal #2 before Christmas dinner. Lol.

    For 2016, I wish for clarity, confidence and a few more steps on the road to meh. And I wish for some fun.

    2015 was a whirlwind of selling my home, moving into a rental, lawyers, and some parting mindfucks from the STBX including more wreckoncilliation lies before he dropped out of site with his new target in November.

    My special wish for 2016 is for the karma bus to hit him by way of the divorce settlement – nothing more precious to the dickwad than money and parting with any will take a few years off his miserable life. That, and a quick realization for the new Shmoopie of what she’s gotten herself into with Mr. Sparkly Pants.

    Though it truly was an awful 2015, I think I’ll look back someday very soon and feel pride that I made space in my life for love, life and second chances this year.

    Though my heart is broken now and the dawn of every new day hurts like a motherfucker, I know I would have continued to rot and slowly die had I not made the decision to finally leave. My dreams of my own family would have never come true. I would have eventually been discarded by the asshole – traded in – forced to restart my life with even more years of sadness to undo and still nothing to show for any if it. Life with him was a black hole. This pain is my spirit coming back to life.

    • Yes, my special wish for asswipe is for the karma bus to hit him again. Hit him once pretty bad so far. Daily he has more aches and pains and complaints. I wish every day his body breaks down til he can’t stand or sit without excruciating pain and his dick falls off. I’m not too bitter right.

    • This pain is my spirit coming back to life!
      A big YES to this Sad! Staying in a relationship with a cheating asshole causes pain. Leaving and facing the pain puts an end to the soul sucking and we get our spirit back. It was the only way out for me. Reconcilliation in my opinion is pain avoidance.

  • 1. I filed for divorce in 2015 and want it finalized in 2016.
    2. I will only do things that I enjoy.
    3. I will try three new activities this year.
    4. I will try new foods.
    5. I will not date until I have my list of qualities I am looking for (so far he must have integrity, honesty, kindness, conversation, and humor) and my list of boundaries (fidelity, accepting that I mean what I say, not being put out when I speak my mind, honest argument without hostility or hate).
    6. I will be true to the one person who matters most and the only person I must live with for the rest of my life…me.

  • In 2016, I put away the spackle, FOR GOOD. No more for him, his family, my family, Switzerland friends, no one. Compassion, yes. Spackle, no. It’s a lifelong habit that it’s time to break. Serious therapy for me this year, not to do with the divorce, or the kids, but with making me happy.

  • 2015 I achieved financial security for my kids’ futures. A long battle with the deranged alien fuckwit. After five years of various struggles now I can look forward to building new friendships (judge some of the old ones by the company they keep!) and hopefully finding time now to do something for myself. For my daughter to be well or at least better after 30 years of dealing with disease and happiness for my son – those two things will make me happy. For all of you I wish you peace and joy and for those who have been left with sick kids, whatever age, a special thought. Merry Christmas.

  • In 2016, learn to accept that I have no idea how my life is going to turn out, and be okay with that. Oh, and run an entire 5K without having to walk any of it. As for the rest — meh, finances, etc., let it all fall where it’s gonna fall. I think the first two are enough to be going on with in 2016. Merry Christmas, Chump Nation. Thanks for being here.

  • In 2016 I will…Keep pushing through the fear and become more of myself. This means letting go of old information that just is no longer true anymore and letting go of my expectations of what my life should be.

  • Merry Christmas! In 2016 I will live an authentic life. A new peace has settled in my heart. The sadness has faded and adventure is on my bucket list. I want to have sex this year!! New beginnings as the past no longer consumes me.
    Today I celebrate all the gifts I have in my life and there are many. The first is myself. I did it! I’m proud to say I fought to free myself physically, emotionally, and financially from my abuser. Subtle abuse is cumulative and I never recognized it as such. I’m free and happy.
    I will walk every day of 2016 with my head held high knowing I carry the spirit of mightiness I have received from every single chump who carried me through this journey. I am forever greatful. Wherever you are on your journey it gets better. Love every one of you!

  • Hope everyone is having a Happy Holiday!!
    Personally, I am working, but at least it’s OT.
    I love this season of new beginnings, 2016 here I come! I would like to be an authentic,truer version of myself. I did make lots of progress in this year, I went and did fun activities, and said no when I needed to, so I will build on that. I would like to get fitter, and tougher, so I am going to add several types of cardio to my exercises, like day hikes, and maybe a spinning class. I really want to go find a belly-dance class, but the last time I did that, I was 18, so I’m not sure… Heck, I might go do it anyway!
    I am glad my new single life is drama-free, I did that! There is definitely space for something in my life, I will keep trying things until I figure it out.
    CN, you are beautiful! Every man and woman on here, go rock in the New Year!

  • Let’s see … in 2016 I will run a Spartan Race, I will be the best dad ever because that’s what my girls deserve, and I will save money for hunting trips to Texas and Alaska in 2017 and 2018

  • Merry christmas CN and CL! Thank you for your blog and comments. This site has been a life saver for me this year to helping to keep me sane and strong for my children.
    In 2016, I will continue to be present for my children and keep them safe and strong.
    In 2016, I will be 35 pounds thinner.
    In 2016, I will not overschedule myself so I can be present and engaged with my family, friends and children.
    In 2016, I will reach Meh.

  • anyone else sitting at their house right now and perusing this site because the kiddos have gone to the other parent’s house? It’s been a lonely day for me. And while scrolling through my fb feed, can’t help noticing those happy intact families and tears stroll down my face. My children will never have this again.

    • Yeah I still have a little over an hour before I pick up my kiddos and I have been doing the same thing. Sucks ass, I may just turn FB off for the rest of the day

      • I’m home alone like I was on Thanksgiving day. Facebook is to be avoided. Instead, funny videos and movies highly recommended today. I suggest watching your favorite comedic films via Netflix or Amazon streaming for healthy distraction. There’s also plenty of great free youtube videos (load adblocker on your browser) to amuse and make you feel good right now, this very moment. What’s your preference – funny cat/dog/owl clips, funniest commercials, scenes from the silliest movies you’ve ever watched? I like Airplane! You’ll find it all online.

        I have bookmarked links in a folder labeled “FUNNY” on my FF browser, for when I feel depressed/suicidal/alone. I also have a folder marked “GOOD” for when I need to re-read stories of (mostly quiet, heroic,humble) decent people.

        Nurture yourself on this day .. and every day. Big hugs for you.

        • Right after my divorce I was unhappy that my kids would never have a happy, intact family again. Then my son reminded me that we didn’t have a happy, intact family ever. I was sad for what we’d never had. Now, I’m happy that we don’t have to spend a miserable day with the angry ex and his dysfunctional family. It gets better.

    • MB

      When the Limited invited my son days before thanksgiving and he jumped at the invitation I was pissed. We had planned to have it together. Then as usual I had to deal with the aftermath. Next thanksgiving I will fly solo and spend it with my friend in Vermont. It taught me to out myself first. This I will do. Hugs and it will get better

    • I had my kids this morning (it was great) and they are spending the afternoon with the dysfunctional part of the family. My house has been tidied, I finished reading a book, I’m working on a project for the kids, and – though somewhat lonely – it turns out I’m OK with being alone rather than being with a cheating, lying, porn-addicted, prostitute-using, narcissistic, misogynistic, attachment-disordered online dating junkie who can fuck with my mind like no other. Look on the bright side!!

    • Me too! Home alone all day. But I did have my girls here for Thanksgiving (they are 20 & 23). They are with the ex ho in Texas for Christmas. They asked to Skype earlier and that made my day (we never Skype). Last night I was really sad, but I’m OK today. Being alone knowing they love me is, okay.

  • 2016: To just simply not tolerate shit from people, irrespective of whether its family, friends, work colleagues or otherwise. Funny how that is so threatening to other people?
    2015 was fairly decent for myself, so much of the same for 2016!

  • 1. Finalize the divorce. We’ve done the mediation so we just all need to go down to the courthouse and sign it.

    2. Pay off the divorce and the bills I accrued from moving into a new place and buying new furniture.

    3. Cut out the extraneous BS in life. Focus on my son, my health, and my career. Everything else can wait.

    4. Prepare for our upcoming move this summer back home.

    5. Organization relaxes me, so after the move I want to get all my important documents scanned to file and cleaning out closets of crap.

    6. Embracing simplicity. Also, learning when it’s cheaper to pay someone else to do something for me vs. what I can easily do myself (a.k.a. No undertaking massive projects around the house that I can only spend 5 min a day on so they drag on forever).

    I need to print this list out or something 🙂

  • I will be free. I will finalize my divorce. I will enroll in school so I can finally get my degree. I will actually get a social life and I will be happy.

  • I will……(maybe) get a dog. Had one all my life but have not for the last 4 years. XPOS was not a dog lover and once my last one passed 4 years ago (was still with loser) I decided that I may never have one again bc of asshole.
    Yes, I should have know then that he was not for me.

    • Yes, get that dog! I already had two, but had an opportunity for a third, sweet dog needed a new home, so I took him in. Snake hated my dogs….

  • 2016,
    Move house with my three kids.
    Celebrate my daughter ending chemo, after two years great result thus far
    Return to college and begin Bachelors
    Look for work.
    Travel to New York from Australia in March. While Ex gets Married.
    Live life to the full.

    All the excellent best in 2016 everyone.

  • In 2016 I would like to get to Meh. I can see it coming off in the distance. Oh, and pint the inside of my house!

  • 2015 was focused on cutting the financial ties with cheater. That’s complete now – but we still have our daughter so unfortunately, I will have to deal with him occasionally.

    2016 will be focused on:
    healing me
    my daughter
    my new home
    my job (all is fine there but I have been distracted with all that has gone on for the past several years so I need to refocus)
    my friends
    my new life – which is already better now that it’s cheater free.

    Happy Holidays and Happy New Year to CN! You guys have been a life saver for me and I appreciate each and every one of you more than you know!

  • It was easier to make and achieve goals in 2015 because my to-do list was all about survival for my three kids and me:1. Left homeless by my insane abandoning cheater, I had to decide where in the nation to start a new life–did that; 2. Filed for divorce; 3. Got a great full time job (after being a SAHM and WAHM for many years); 4. Am finally, if not completely or perfectly, approaching meh. Still a bit sad (I think that will always be there, like with a death), but the anger that served its purpose for a good long time has finally lost its utility and now I’m able to regard his crazy in the context of some deeply rooted effed-up generational trauma, abuse, abandonment, and addiction. We never had a prayer. Oh, and 5. my little family joined a Unitarian church which has been a great fit for us.

    For 2016, it’s a little trickier to set goals because most of my goal-setting has always been “our” goal-setting. But I’ll try: 1. Establish and nurture my own social life. I’m actually a pretty fun and interesting person; 2. Figure out how to include exercise in my life again; 3. Get my sweet, bright kids to find their light again and let it shine; 4. Maybe meet a mature, brilliant, gorgeous (but not fussy), giving, ethical, warm, slightly older man who loves my kids and stinky little dog. No big whoop.

    Sending blessings to CN for a lot of light and levity and love in 2016!

  • First of all, hugs to all CN and wishes for a truly awesome holiday and coming new year.

    2015 was a tough year for me in that it was the year I evicted all the narc leaning users from my life. No more kibbles for them.

    For me on the agenda in 2016 …continuing to work on my FOO issues and grow. Plus, I am going to continue to volunteer as a senior companion to my 5 amazing ladies. Depending on how my house sitting outlook is, I will either start my tiny house build or if I find a reliable house sitter/pet sitter, this is the year for my great big coast to coast recumbent trike tour. Either way, I plan to rock age 63. Stay tuned….?

  • First of all Merry Christmas everyone xoxo.

    In 2016 I plan to get my website up and home business running, considering going back to school and above all else I want to spend more time doing fun and enjoyable things with my son… my life is no longer focused on a disordered asshole and that’s a fabulous way to start the new year.

  • In 2016 I will find a way to get to “Meh”! Even if it kills me!

    As a side note: when I went to pick up my kids from their aunt’s house where they were visiting with their father for Christmas guess who came up to my vehicle wearing a ‘Meh’ T-shirt. I told my kids he shouldn’t be wearing that shirt. I should be!!! My kids of course had no clue what I was talking about. But CN understands?

    Wishing everyone a Happy Holiday & a fabulous 2016!!!

  • I reach Meh late 2015 all thanks to Chump Nation.
    In 2016 I will continue divorce proceedings.
    In 2016 I will continue to do the things that I enjoy doing without any guilt whatsoever.
    In 2016 I will get my body back in shape.
    In 2016 I will force myself to experience new and otherwise fearful things.

  • I am starting in a good place with my new marriage to Colonel Goodguy. Our finances are straight, our house is settled and he’s preparing for retirement.

    We are gearing up for the next round of debulking the amount of stuff we are storing/keeping in our house. Him being in a happy place is helping him let go of some of the things (crap) he used to find solace in.

    My big task this year (tremble, cue tears) will be kid launching.

    My baby moves out on Jan 2…to an apt near the city. She is 19 and I have all the fears and concerns you would guess I have. She is street smart in many ways and exhibits a badass exterior but has never had a boyfriend/romance or had sex so there are many bridges to cross that can be fraught with peril.

    Lastly, I need to fully launch my 26 year old son. I am about ready to stop his living subsidy and insist that he support himself. He had a HUGE life altering depressive episode when he was 21 and recovery has taken years. I provided medical care,mental health coverage for him and supported his educational pursuits (doomed) and now its time for him to do this all on his own. Knowing that he will be flirting with homelessness terrifies me but he may need to get that close to rock bottom before he mobilizes his resources. Cutting him off while we have plenty feels so wrong, but the “help” I’m giving is handicapping him. (angst, clutching chest)

    • I have a friend in a similar situation with her son. He’s pushing 40 now and still not launched. So it’s likely you are doing the right thing so that he can get established before he ages out of “starter” jobs. But gosh, what you are doing is hard.

  • 2015 can kiss my ass! In 2016 I will pay off debt, excel at my job, complete my home improvement projects, and maybe see about becoming a runner

  • November 2015 divorce finalized and, hopefully, no more surprises from my borderline EW. I really miss the intimacy that I thought I had, so for 2016 I will work on trusting my picker because writing down what I want is relatively easy compared to actually dating. I will visit my son in Spain and head down to Morocco to surf. Surfing reminds me of patience, cycles, and the gift of abundance.

  • In 2016 – I will continue to be MIGHTY.
    I will not reply or contact the EX, for any reason through text or phone calls.
    I will really try to get into better shape and get myself in the dating world – not in that order either.
    I will finally get out of Debt and start saving to finally buy a little townhouse, in 2017, when my daughter goes off to College and I can move out of the current School District.
    I will make plans and save to travel – at least once a year from now on!!

    Merry Christmas CL and CN.

  • In 2016, I will be noticeably Mighty.

    1. I will move out of my sister’s house and buy one of my own.
    2. I’ll not date for a while and remember the values/character traits I need in a man.
    3. I’ll focus on being a good mom.
    4. i’ll continue to grow in my relationship with God and let Him guide me.
    5. I will know my worth and never deny it.

    One thing I do want to do is to attend that Redhead Days event in Europe. Just once! http://www.redheaddays.nl/

  • My goals in 2016-
    Reach complete Meh
    Run a Tough murder
    Wear a bathsuit with confidence!
    Graduate from college
    Go to Cali for a vacation
    And new undies;)

  • In 2016 I will graduate from college and start my new life with new opportunities! No cheater holding me back anymore and complaining that I always put school before him, and that I work too hard blah blah blah. It’s gonna be all ME ME ME working towards my amazing authentic future filled with only the best people who encourage me and never for a second want to bring me down.

    This quote defines 2016 for me:

    “Don’t get mad. Don’t get even. Do better. Much better. Rise above. Become so engulfed in your own success that you forget it ever happened.”

    Luckily, I feel I am already on this path. Cheers everyone!

  • I’m gonna pull the plug on my weasely Ho of a husband. I’m going to kick him out, file, and tell people who ask why I choose to not be married to someone who fucks hookers.

    I’m going to keep eating right, keep going to the gym, spend time with people I Love. I’m going to get rid of the piles of useless shit I don’t need. I’m going to find an MBA school.

    I’m going to go through a lot and it’s going to suck. Maybe next Christmas I won’t hate things. Right now I do. I do a lot.

  • In 2016 I will:
    do my best to be available for my children
    lose at least 25 pounds (and exercise regularly)
    travel to Iceland
    make time every week (if not every day) to read and work on crafts I enjoy
    be brave about extending myself to build friendships
    return to the Unitarian church I once attended (but left due to the conflict it engendered with the EX)
    visit CL several times a week to sustain my mental health (and buy the new CL book as soon as I can)

  • IN 2016…

    I will be living an entirely different life than what I envisioned a year ago. A year ago, I thought the snake and I were going to ride off together into contented and comfortable retirement, and have a chance to reconnect. Instead, I finally recognized his ongoing abuse for what it was and got the fuck out.

    I will fight for my rights and my fair share of marital assets in my divorce, no matter how obstructive and obnoxious the snake tries to be.

    I will move into a house with a huge dog-friendly back yard, and it will be all theirs for their silly antics.

    I will decorate to my liking with no one else judging me or things I proudly put on display. If I want a Millennium Falcon for my dining room chandelier, I’ll fucking get one. (No, I haven’t seen that for sale anywhere, but think it would be cool). If dog pictures and artwork outnumber human family, whatever… they’re lovely and loyal, some of my family, not so much.

    I will keep my eyes open for the right rescue dog to complete my pack, and I will know when the right dog comes along. Apparently my dog-picker is fucking awesome, but my man-picker, not so much.

    I will not tolerated being degraded or disrespected.

    I will let toxic relationships die, or kill them off myself if I have to.

    I will appreciate the people in my life who have my back, and make sure they know it.

    I will stand up for myself. I will heal. I will be happier.

  • I will find so much excitement and humor within myself I don’t need a sparkl
    y piece of shit by my side!

  • I will be free, happy, and finally be able to live my life. It has been a long road, and thanks to CL, I have found my path. 🙂

  • I will be…just be! 😀

    This has been my first Christmas post separation and it has been one of the best Christmas seasons I’ve had in a long time! I endorse. Who knew? My heart is light. He crosses my mind but not with any real emotion. I can’t explain….The freedom is great. It has everything to commend itself. The children and I have been busy giving and receiving and having a good ole time.

    STBX came by to see kids in the morning. Neighbour saw him crying as he left. He wanted us to spend the day together. Invited us over today. I declined but children went. He wants to know my plans for old years and I have not replied but they don’t include him. He is talking the dreaded “R’ word. I am not being callous but I am not interested.

    Actions have consequences. The fact is that his treatment of me turned me off of him and I am simply not interested in anything he may offer. I am willing to live with the consequences of my choice. Happy Holidays to all. Be awesome. Don’t let one person determine your worth.

    • Meh is elusive, you have to trust/believe in yourself absolutely and your confidence is always in question……confidence is huge…..believe in yourself chumps make 2016 great because you are worth it!!!!!!

    • Same thing for me Mandie 101. Second Christmas without the ex and although the first was a bit weepy, there was no stress. This year was the best, stress less, easy going, happy Christmas. I never realised how much stress he put in me at this time of year. Loving it.

    • Mandie,

      Your STBX sounds just like mine. In many ways, I am glad that mine is no longer living with me. It sounds as though you have adapted to your lifestyle much more quickly than I have. This is my second Christmas without STBX but we are still embroiled in legal battle, I am running short on money (judge seems to support my STBX, no matter what he says or does, and my legal teams keep charging very high rates but producing very few, if any, positive results for their fees (I have given them enough to buy a house in some areas), and I have not found a full-time job to support my young children. I have nightmares about my career as I am late middle-aged with young children to support, have not worked full-time in several years, do not have the greatest work history (although I have tried to do right by my clients, colleagues, and the world in general) and have not yet found full-time work.

      Although I am scared stiff about my career/life prospects and those of my children and still depressed about dropping out of my doctoral program, living with a somewhat painful chronic injury for the last few years, realizing that many of my life goals will most likely not be met, and some of my relatives being diagnosed with advanced cancer and other debilitating chronic diseases and conditions, I, over the last year, have stood firm in refusing to reconcile with my abuser/serial cheater.

      I tell myself that I had, for the most part, a good life for many decades and now it is time for me to experience life as one of many people who struggle, so that I won’t resort to incessantly complaining or feeling constantly depressed. Psychotropic medications (of many sorts) have not helped me and psychotherapy (which I can no longer afford) and exercise have helped a tiny bit, but I don’t think that there is any magic bullet in my case. I need to accept and embrace the fact that it is my duty to make the best life possible for my children and this duty may be quite challenging to fulfill.

      Sometimes, I am afraid that I will lose my successful boyfriend and friends, many of whom are very successful, because I cannot continue to pay rent in my current city (where my kids attend school and socialize), I can only rarely pay for anything (e.g., a meal at a restaurant, kids’ lessons) that bring my friends together, and it is difficult for me to look like a person who is doing all right (my old car is damaged, my old clothes are filled with holes, and I can’t pay to fix all the things that should be repaired). I try to invite my boyfriend and friends to join me for free activities, but I wonder if they get tired of those things. I wonder if friends, prospective employers, etc. will think that I have little to offer them. I love my parents but am depressed about the prospect of moving in with them because they live in a polluted area with bad schools and view child-rearing, lifestyle, boundaries, etc. very differently than I do.) As I can’t even afford a one-bedroom apartment, even in a scary neighborhood in this part of the U.S., and I must stay in this region to retain primary physical custody of my children, unless I get a high paying full-time job very soon, my kids and I will need to move in with my parents. I will try to be the best daughter and mother possible, but I anticipate much stress from this arrangement, which I surmise will last several years. My boyfriend, although wonderful, has told me that he does not want to remarry or cohabit with anyone as he was badly hurt in his first marriage. Although he is kind to my children, I don’t think that he is up to becoming a stepfather to young children. Although my children are what many people say are attractive and well-behaved children overall, I don’t expect him or anyone else to rescue me or my children. Sometimes, I feel as though my only role in life is payor of vacations for my attorneys and tuition for my attorneys’ offspring. I had hoped that at this point in my life (a half century), I would be a contributor to the world (other than my attorneys), or at least my immediate family, not a recipient of help. As my STBX is mentally ill, personality-disordered, and prone to engaging in criminal behavior, I anticipate him harassing me for many years to come, no matter what our legal status or how I treat him. I hope to feel noticeably better in the future, but I cannot imagine feeling much better someday. I would love to say that I love being divorced/separated from an abusive spouse, but I often feel as though the bad situation I knew was merely swapped (by my STBX, who was the spouse that filed for divorce) for the bad situation I didn’t know.

      • RockStarWife, I hope that things improve for you and that 2016 brings you closer to peace (including financial peace) and the future you dream of…. Sending you wishes for a 2016 that exceeds what you could hope for…

      • Rock Star Wife, it will eventually have to come to an end. Legal battles be finalized and you will find a life for yourself. It may not be what you envisioned but I have found that saying affirmations and gratitude goes a long way in giving me peace of mind. I have not begun to go though my legal battles as yet and anticipate a very difficult time ahead but I trust that it will work out in the end. I have affirmations on my bathroom mirror that I say all of the time. Try this one…..”I shine the transforming light of gratitude in all the circumstances in my life”. Worrying just makes things worse, especially worrying about money. Learn to trust that what you need will be provided for when you need it. It takes a huge leap of faith but the alternative is really crappy. Hoping you have a peaceful 2016.

  • Merry Christmas everybody! I happened upon another site that actually tells it like it is today. The particular linked article explains how the affair fog confusion is a bunch of crap the cheater uses to manipulate you. To sum it up it basically says, “If I can find an excuse to have extra happiness at other people’s expense, why not keep doing that for as long as I possibly can?”
    http://www.infidelityhelpgroup.com/2015/05/12/cheater-confusion/

  • I’m entering 2016 a 17-year survivor of the cheating lying Fucktard, and a 7-year cancer survivor. At this point in the journey, life is very good. Peaceful and happy. I’ve changed careers, changed homes (3 times), and five years ago married a good and kind former chump. We have an adopted rescue dog who is totally awesome.

    For 2016, I hope for finalized divorces for all of you still in that foul process, including my sweet SIL whose not soon enough to be ex is still making her life intolerable on a daily basis and enjoying ever moment of that. I want every chump in CN to know that you are mighty to the tips of your toenails, and that things will get better. And I thank CL for creating a safe space with a lot of ears and shoulders so no chump has to go it alone.

    Happy New Year to All!

  • hey all, I am so in need of sharing what happened to my Christmas… and I need advice too. I haven’t slept in 2 days, going out of my mind trying to figure out where I stand with my messy situation.
    Here it is: been years since DD. Never married. 1 child. Kicked the bum out immediately and had no regrets ever since. The pain continues, although it’s gotten better with time. No official custody, we’ve always had a mutually agreed upon arrangement due to either one of us having the financial means to hire an attorney. Not much has changed. We’ve gone through periods of barely communicating, to him bombarding me with threatning texts ( I will sue you for full custody is his favorite line) but most of the time we get along on surface and I keep practicing disengament, although it’s been very hard because he always provokes me. Speaking of provoking, he picks up our child the other day and our argument (always something trivial, he loves to argue) turns physical. I threw my car keys at him and gave him a small cut on his nose. We managed to minimaze as much as we could so our child wouldn’t know exactly what happened, but the worst of it is happening right now. I’ve been getting a barrage of texts from him, saying he will file a police report and sue me for full custody. He hasn’t done that yet. I’ve been sitting on pins and needles waiting for him to take action. I’ve consulted with only one person who thinks that I should get good legal advice how to act strategically. Well guess what, I can’t afford it. Nor I know what he will do next. What I do know is that the texts have been ongoing, and most are threats. This morning he said that he recorded our toddler saying that dad’s nose was bleeding because mommy hit him. WTF? By the way, I have no doubt in my mind that he is capable of anything, even making up claims. I have to state, that I am not a violent person and this was a purely random act on my part but needless to say, ex is now using the incident to his advantage, saying I will obey him from now on OR he will go to the police. Any advice?

    • First of all Liz you CANNOT allow him to push your buttons to the point where you lose control like that. You just can’t.

      Do whatever you have to do in order to get some kind of legally binding custody agreement. You need that for your protection and your child. Get in touch with the legal aid society in your area and ask for help.

      Stop engaging with him. Respond ONLY to texts that pertain directly to your child, do NOT get into text arguements with him. Those can be screenshot and used against you. Make your responses short, simple and in as few words as possible. Remember he knows where your buttons are and he’s been tapdancing on them. Take away the buttons. Take back your power.

    • How about keeping a journal to document the things he says and does to provoke you? Maybe bring a witness whenever you have to see him. Otherwise he can say whatever he wants.

    • Please be careful in responding via text or voicemail. He may be baiting you into admitting that you hit him with the car keys, so he has proof.

    • You need to be very careful! My ex attacked me and lied to police, they arrested ME for domestic violence. These manipulative bastards are fully capable of the worst shit in the world. Be CAREFUL! Jedi Hugs!

      • OMG, how was this possible?? Can you explain a little more? I’ve always been sooo scared that my ex, former cop, was going to pull similar shit. Anyone got good tips on recording techniques and such? My ex is “smart” enough to not put any threats in writing, He is verry careful about that. But he baits ME all the time,.

    • Liz

      Do not respond to him. A toddler being recorded? First, it’s your word against his. Secondly, see a lawyer and if you can’t afford one seek out free legal services for women in situations of domestic violence. He is battering you and using your child to control you. It’s time to put an end to this CONTROL. He is scary. You are AFRAID of him. File fit full custody and get a restraining order through legal avenues. Doccument everything and have no contact. Move away from him if warrented. Is his name in the birth certificate? If not pack uo your child, change your phone number and move far far away. He sounds dangerous to me. Get away if you can.

  • I have some recording of my fucktard, “joking” about me. = gaslighting and a few of : “I am not yelling @ you but I am mad” i activate the voice recording ( put the phone in your pocket) then I forward it to my private email as a voice recording. cowards

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