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Potty-Mouthed Infidelity Speak

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Doodle_ToiletI got taken to task recently for unsavory potty talk when writing about infidelity. A friend had posted the recent Cosmo excerpt of the new book on her Facebook page and someone remarked on the “foul” language.

“Fucked” and “Fuck off” were the cuss words used. (Although hey, I want points for using “flip” once!)

I get this criticism fairly often. On the positive end: “Decent advice, if you can look past the cursing,” to the pearl-clutching: “I can’t read it for all the F-bombs.”

And here’s the funny thing — I’m not a terribly coarse person in real life. And I don’t swear any more than the average American (except when stuck in Austin traffic… okay, then sailors blush…) But when I write about infidelity? YES, then I swear like a motherfucker.

I noticed this first when I was a new chump writing on infidelity boards for advice. I couldn’t express myself without a lot of invective. I wasn’t alone. I might not have been enforcing boundaries back then, but god damn, I could channel my anger when writing about being defrauded and degraded 6 months into my new marriage. (As it turned out, since I first got involved with him, he was cheating on me.)

By the time I began Chump Lady, my potty mouth was deliberate. FUCK THE EUPHEMISMS. These people are not “wayward” — they aren’t befuddled kittens — they are CHEATERS. I’m not some pathetic, poor “betrayed spouse” — I was CHUMPED. Alas, my husband didn’t fall in love with his mistress compelled by Forces Greater Than Us All — it was a deliberate CON.

Every F-bomb is intended to bitchslap chumps into reality. To get us to channel our righteous ANGER and hurt.

If you bang your thumb with a hammer, you say “&^%$#!!!”

You might even post on your Facebook page: “I banged my thumb with a hammer. &^%$#!!!”

And no one would batt an eye.

Walk in on your spouse having sex with another person — and you say “fuck”?

How UNCIVIL of you to use such language!

Now isn’t that a mindfuck? The most humiliating, painful experience of your life — inflicted on you with lies and disrespect, which has endangered your health and your family and your finances — and you can’t say “fuck.”

So today, Chump Nation, I’m asking you to use your potty mouths and change the narrative around infidelity. Luziana asked what’s your name for your cheater — I liked her “Jake from State Farm.” (Hey, if you’re going to use a euphemism, at least be clever about it.) Tell me yours!

Be clever, or be foul-mouthed. Just don’t be a chump.

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
    • Cock-suckin’ motherfuckin’ son-of-a-bitch asshole piece of shit garbage licking, pond sucking, sycophantic, violating, home-wrecking slime bucket bastard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      • “Cock sucking mother fucking lying son of a bitch piece of shit” sums the Jackass up for me.

        “Fuckstick” comes in handy too.

        • I call mine the ‘Man-Whore’ and her the ‘Cunt’ or ‘Red headed Whore”. BUT I love FuckStick.

            • Fucktard and Douchebag are mine….I did try ducks tick but felt the use of “tard” better conveyed the appropriate level of stupidity and irresponsibility I was dealing with. 3 years post divorce and he still hasn’t change his address for his health insurance. I get every explanation of benefits for him….I wonder if it’s still my fault he has headaches that he’s being treated for?! Lol

              • Love all the comments. I never really cursed before. That was, before Dumbass showed his true colors and I realized what a chump I have been in our 25 year marriage. He has lived up to every fucking curse word uttered about him and will always be a Fucking dumb ass. DA is his new nickname.

    • yes all of the above and fucker who fucked his secretary. I mine listed as motherfucker Jones in my phone

  • His name is simple…douchebag, or db for short. In my phone, he is liar-cheater to remind me of what i am dealing with. In all reality, he is not even worth a name or my mental time or energy…

        • Love it! Dbag calling!

          Upon DDay I changed his ringtone to “ring ring. Asshole calling. There’s an asshole calling your phone.”

          When I left, I changed it to a zombie scream since he and the relationship are dead to me.

          Fuck the motherfucker

          • that’s funny… i changed my ex’s contact photo to a pic i googled “world’s ugliest dog” and his contact name to Ugly Dog. Fortunately we don’t have kids, or any legal ties anymore, so I have deleted him entirely.

        • I refer to my ex as “Grandmotherfucker” when I am really angry. Yes, she has 4 grandchildren. But on my phone he is simply, “Donor” and “The Asshole Song” by Jimmy Buffett plays.

          I am not perfect, anger is the sin I work on Every. Single. Day.

            • I just you tube’s the asshole song, it was closely followed by the Dickhead song by Miles Betterman- yet another catching fitting little tune… 🙂

              • All of this convo about ass. Shit sandwich has taken on a new meaning as mine was tuned out by his OW ass licking, ass eating proclivities.Butt breath, butt face can eat shit and die.

            • I think swearing and anger are very therapeutic. Swear, scream, cry, vent just got to get the under and frustration out and here is a perfect safe place Tracy gave us. Fuck them who thinks otherwise.

              • The only problem is, once I have started to cuss I can’t stop and I am on the roll. Had some slippers in not so appropriate places. But no doubt It feels so good and appropriate when I am on the roll. Honestly, I would be lost without the cussing and I wouldn’t know how else to express more fittingly how I feel about Mr. Focker. When trying to express or explain his true fucked-up-ness and shortcomings, I feel that even the worst cuss words aren’t accurate enough, but at least they are coming damn close to it.

    • I changed the pic of her in my contacts to one of those stupid chive on memes. It says “keep calm I’m a lying cheating whore”

    • HAHA! I have a DB too! I accidentally sent him a text meant for my boyfriend that said DB in it. He said who is DB? Uhhhhhh that would be you! He’s like oh, douchebag. Yep!!

    • I had a skeleton/x-ray picture of a hand flipping the bird for The Evil One’s (TEO for short) callerID picture, but I’ve recently changed it to Deadpool’s cartoon pic saying, “You sound crazy”, LOL

      Ringtones have changed- it was that country song, “Cheater Cheater”, but I recently changed it to “My Give a Damn’s Busted”.

      Names for The Evil One has shifted towards the Albatross recently, since he was a dead weight tied around my neck; other names include (but not limited to) NSFW titles like Fuck-tard, Mother-fuckin’-Asshole, Dickhead, SonofaBitch, but mostly just TEO

  • As the son of a clergyman I say fuck off to anyone who complains about this and shove it up their ass.

    When you have been cheated on maybe then you can tell us on chump nation not to use foul language.
    Instead of spending time defending and excusing cheaters perhaps they can criticize the people who cause us to swear.

    • I fucking love to fucking cuss, but I do have one slight issue with your comment. Not to nitpick, but just as no one causes these assholes to cheat, no one causes us to swear. I realize you probably didn’t mean it that way, but I think if we’re going to stop blaming ourselves, it’s important to be consistent in realizing that no one makes anyone else do anything.

      Apologies. Pedant out.

      • I hear you, but I like to think that my profanity on these boards is a cathartic expression of anger. In everyday life, I don’t swear a lot. I’m in a managerial position, and my work environment is remarkable for its professional tone. When I talk with my friends, I don’t swear, save for the very rare “hell” and “damn” with the occasional “shit.” Never the F-bomb.

        I am still sometimes amazed at the depth of my anger toward the XH, even though I can feel myself moving more toward Meh and I know that once I’m out of the marital home (when is that settlement money coming through so I can close on the new place?), he will fade into the background of the past 25 years of my life (married for 18 of those). I’ll see his face in the family photographs, but I know that when I met him, he had some honor. I am not sure when he ceased being that man, but at one point he had integrity.

        Every time I see him in the house, I think he’s a cheating asshole. At least here, I’ll use those terms. 😉

  • The language doesn’t bother me and when I’m home and angry, I let the f-bombs fly. However on a day to day basis I use Dodo, only because I work at a school and I don’t want to accidentally call him a fucking moron! I also like douchebag and fucktard. Another favorite is fuckface.

    • Well, that’s a good point — context matters.

      I’m writing for adults who have been cheated on. I think it’s okay to say “fuck.”

      I do not, however, recommend swearing around kindergartners or your kids.

      But in your journal? Among friends? On-line? Let it fly.

      • Fuck that fucking critic!! I myself am normally a very “nice” and soft-spoken person, but when am I dealing with this infidelity (or talking to my therapist) it’s like goddamn sewage flying out of my mouth! This shit is REAL! It fucking HURTS, and if I don’t release SOMETHING I think I would become psychotic!! To the pearl-clutcher: My son of a motherfuckin bitch husband lied to me and my children everyday so that he could churn another bitch’s butter in a fucking pink-tiled bathroom where they work. My STBX and his “GLORY HOLE” threw me and my kids under the bus and we did not deserve it!!! Our lives are a mess because of his selfishness!! I’m mad as hell shit motherfuckin jesus christ all motherfucking mighty I want to kill someone!! Go fuck yourself, lady!!

        I just couldn’t NOT comment on today’s post!

      • In defense of cursing around your kids, I believe it is possible to teach them how to curse responsibly via setting a few ground rules. Or, at least that’s my excuse. I called them “mommy words” and taught them that they couldn’t use them until they were grown up. This rule worked well–it gave them something to aspire to :)–until they were well into their teens, then the rule became no cursing at school or around their friends’ parents.

        STBX used to constantly try to shame me out of cursing around our three very rambunctious boys, something that was easy enough for him to take the high road on since was never alone with them for days, sometimes weeks, on end. So it really frosted his ass when they actually followed my rule and didn’t fulfill his prediction that they would become “snotty little potty-mouths.”

        • Oh yeah, best 100% culturally-approved redirect ever…you say you were “fucking cheated on”? How horrifying! Don’t use language like that in PUBLIC!! How ANGRY you sound!

          Sometimes I wonder if people invented the concept of swear words just so they’d have something to redirect to when ANGRY people called them on their bullshit. Totally rich that your cheating STBX thought swearing was worth frowning upon but…you know, cheating was ok.

          Love your “mommy words” rule, by the way.

      • The problem with waiting until 30 to have kids is that swearing is pretty already entrenched. I’m sure my kids heard some doozies even as toddlers (but at least “fuck” wasn’t their first word!).

        • Temptest, you must be right (as usual)! I didn’t have my kids ’til I was 40. At age 2, my son dropped a heavy toy on his foot, and said, perfectly appropriately, ‘fuck!’. He not only knew the word, he know when and how to use it! Needless to say, we had to have a little talk about those ‘special words’ …..

          Now my kids are teens, and won’t let me swear much, ’cause I’m a grown up! But they have never sworn when and where they shouldn’t!

          • Re: kids swearing

            Jr. had a slight lisp as most toddlers do. Imagine Grandma’s expression when we were driving through heavy traffic and he was pointing out all the “fucks, fucks, fucks”. Yeah, bad mommy (me) couldn’t quit laughing.

            • That was my son too! Couldn’t say the “tr” sound til he was 4, lol. “Look Mama, big fucks!” every time we went out in the car.. Hahaha, good times!

            • My son too! It was hard to hold back my snicker whenever he tried to say “clock”

              • For the longest time my son used the middle finger and surprisingly always quite appropriate. He hardly could talk in full sentences back then. Somehow he must have picked it up (promised, it wasn’t me he learned it from) and he always had a smirk on his face each time he lifted that finger very swloly. It’s said that sign language is very easy to learn for the young child – yup I can attest. I tried my best to extinguish signing the stinky finger but it was quite the challenge.

          • I stopped swearing at other drivers when my now 32 year old daughter was in preschool… we were driving her to preschool one day, when from the back seat she piped up, “Mommy, I know what an asshole is!”… “um, you do?” I ventured. “Yes, Mommy, it’s someone who drives in front of you!”… now all these years later I like to think I taught all 3 kids good judgment about when and where it’s appropriate to swear.

            • Ha, almost the exact same experience with one of my sons, at three years old. “Say bad words, Mama.” Why? “Because they’re in front of you.”

              So I stopped swearing. I had stopped almost altogether for years, because of trying to live my life to please God. But other than a few, rare lapses, I was swear-free…until D-Day. I’m trying to find my way out of it again, because every time I indulge in calling him an f-ing f-tard, it just gets easier and easier to relapse into it when I’m angry. Since I work in a school, that is a bad idea. Some people can control themselves and use it only in the right context, if they have no religious reason not to swear. But to me it feels like I’m allowing myself to be controlled by a darker force. I know I have a right to my righteous anger over his antics, but I also know that I am supposed to keep from sinning when I am angry. I sort of take swearing as a sign of how far I am from meh. If I was there, nothing he did would anger me enough to lose control and slip back into acting in a way that makes me feel ashamed of myself. I don’t think people are judging chumps for their swearing. I think they just don’t want to be exposed to it. There’s a lot to be learned here, and loving, supportive people, but some people can’t access it because of the swearing. And that’s okay. That’s their boundary. We don’t need to feel judged for swearing and get angry at them, too.

              • Trusting God, the solution for people who are offended by swearing is just to not visit sites that they are offended by. I watch what I say almost all the time. Not here, though. I think trying to control people’s speech on a site for adults about adultery is another way chumps are invalidated.

                Swearing isn’t a good habit, but it’s one I have. Adultery is an established sin. Swearing is not.

              • I understand that people have different beliefs. Mine are that not walking in love is the only sin, which is what I feel I am doing when I am cursing him out and angry…which tends to lead to unkind treatment of others when I have gotten all worked up. I’m definitely not judging others for swearing, merely observing that some chumps will avoid this site because of swearing and not take advantage of the few other truly helpful sites like Divorce Minister because they’re not Christians. Most other sites are just RIC or full of cheater apologists or other psychologically damaging ideas. Of course adultery is considered a sin. I just don’t want what my husband did to erase all the positive changes I’ve made and contaminate my faith anymore. It’s gone on long enough.

              • I totally get what you are say, TG. The immediate building steam of anger that is set off in the early days of discovery needs an avenue to escape. Feelings descending from our brains to our mouth is a well laid path for vocalizing that pain. I believe this is a way that allows for (wo)man to discharge the incredible emotion of betrayal in a non violent physical form.

                Trust me on this.

                For most of us here on this site, potty works. It allows the pain to escape and the sometimes humor from those potty mouths gives us a well needed belly laugh or smile.

                It soothes.

                I feel for anyone who cannot get past the potty. Why? Because everyone here will surround you with love when you come bleeding and emotionally battered as understanding brothers and sisters in arms.

                The swearing will go away. I think most of us know this. For those who have managed to get through life without using cuss words, it is a temporary phenomenon. Well, at least as long as “those who shall not be named” is not in the room.

                As for me, hell, it’s second nature. But, that’s between me and my God.

                BTW, I always appreciate a different view. It makes me stop and think. Thanks.

      • I was shuttling a car full of boys one day and some guy cut me off. I heard the passenger window roll down, and glanced over to see my 14 yr. old son hanging his arm out the window, angrily jabbing his middle finger at the guy. The backseat boys were quick, I yelled ‘stop!’ but it was too late. Every hand had a signal. Wow, my role modeling is stellar. I should teach a class.

        • I’ve started doing this whenever utility vans honk at me while I’m walking down the street (street harassment). We live in an area where everyone’s very nicey-nice, so I think even the utility drivers are shocked when a scrawny youthful-looking female walking by herself hauls off and flips them a giant, arm-wrenching bird. I’ve noticed that it hardly ever happens now…hope that means I’m doing my bit for effective pedestrian-to-driver communication.

    • I use his name and when I reference the OW, I use her name.
      It empowers me to use their real names in private and in public. I don’t want any doubt in anyone’s mind who I am talking about.
      I don’t ever want to have my words used against me as being disparaging (in my decree).
      What I cannot use is Dad or ‘your father’. He lost the right to those titles when I speak with my kids.
      Interestingly, I curse like a sailor on a regular basis without a second thought.
      When discussing my ex and the woman who knowingly, meticulously and purposefully killed the hearts of a wonderful woman and two amazing sons, not using their real names seems like letting them off easy.

      • Interesting perspective. I myself choke on the name, including the last name. So with my lawyers blessing, but not officially I go by an abbreviation. Kinda like Lois CK or MC Hammer.

      • I’m not above calling him and OW all the names in the book privately, or venting to a friend. Extreme shit has happened to us chumps. And it takes extreme language to name it, and to allow ourselves to feel and handle the anger we’ve been given. How dare people judge us for this. I would only accept that criticism if the critic has also gone and knocked on the cheater’s door and berated them for hours about their life-wrecking actions first.

        But in everyday speech I do the same as you, Rebecca. Fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself, and as you pointed out, they don’t deserve the sweet sweet anonymity of code names.

      • When speaking to our children, I refer to him as their “ex-father,” because he is exactly that.

        My daughter shortly after D-Day said the following: “My father is dead. There is a man out there who looks like him, but that is not my father.” He sends a card twice a year to each and makes no further efforts to see them.

        • My 20 yr old daughter said her father is “just some dude” to her. She has put up some huge boundaries with him the he not wike (baby talk). Has seen him about 4 times in the past two years. Her choice. My sisters and girlfriends have the best curse words for him and the tramp. Fucker bastard, Voldemort, Mr “happy”, Cock suckered mother fucker, scum suckers, slime bags, dirty bitches, hilly billies, abusive fuckwits, . Could fill a library! The pearl clutching pig who complained is probably a cheater too!

      • I could never choke out the MOW’s name because she has the same first name as I do. It was a unique shit sandwich, for sure. I have plenty of colorful nicknames for her, though.

        STBX is simply “fucktard” or “fucker” in my own mind, and those things and more online. But in real life I don’t use those words for him because I don’t want my children overhearing it. They even specifically asked me, after the separation, to call him “dad” or “daddy” as I always had before. Although I also used to say “your father” in a completely neutral way, after he left that began to feel hostile to them. Their request wasn’t about him being a wonderful dad (he’s not, and they know it, although he gives them just enough attention to string them along as narcissistic supply); it was about not wanting to be confronted with all the crap every time he had to be referred to for any reason.

        I agreed without any hesitation and to this day still call him “dad” when referring to him with them. It’s a shit sandwich for me, but it makes my children feel better, so like many others that the fucker served up, I swallow it for them. What a complete and unredeemable asshole he is.

        • Zomg HappyNow, my (ugh, shudder) stbx husband took up with a girl with my same first name too! The fucking nerve!!

          I wouldn’t let him call me by name after that, still won’t. He said once, (after i shut down baby, honey, sweetie, etc as well) exasperated, well what should I call you? I said Nothing! Then he started crying.

          One of my better moments…

      • Rebecca, whenever I use the Ex’s or the OW’s name, I purposely use their first and last names. It’s part of distancing myself from their shitshow.

    • I like ‘dummy’ when I’m trying to not curse, because it makes me think of 30 rock when Liz lemons perpetual jack ass boyfriend uses it as a pet name for Liz. becauss it infuriates me, that someone like Liz would’ve been called dummy, I call Ho hub dummy. I dunno. There’s some reason In there I’m sure

      • I often just go old-school 2nd grade and call him dum dum. I don’t know, there’s something appealing about how diminishing and dismissive it is.

  • She’s my ex “lying, cheating, gold digging leach of a whore”. I have never thought of any woman as a whore, and I don’t ever use that word, but for her it fits per the dictionary definition.

  • I am so pissed off at my cheater that I just call him Asshat. It’s too time consuming to type something longer! OW’s name is slightly more imaginative…. Despite the generic nickname, my posts are still strongly laced with profanity, LOL.

    • Too funny! My dad called my ex ass hat or ass clown. I just think it is hysterical my dad won’t even mention him by his first name. Oh he calls him narcles the ass clown at times too.

      • I call him fuckface and my sibling call him “drunk uncle” from the skit ON Saturday Night Live a few years ago. So spot on!

      • Yes, my Ex referred (post Dday) to my brother (who had his number a long time ago) as “your crazy fuckface brother.” Ex also referred to my best friend (who also had his number a long time ago) as “a flapping cunt,” as in, “You tell that {hername} to stop flapping her cunt all over town saying bad things about me!” because she was telling people I kicked him out for cheating. HAHAHAHA

  • Hi Chump Lady I didn’t intend for my real name to be put on screen please can you edit with my screen name UKChump

  • My names for him have been pretty tame. I try making them humorous to me rather than help channel my anger. One favorite is Paxil Rose. I also enjoyed referring to him as The Credit Risk for a while. I thought it sounded superhero-like.

    • Idiotic Twat.

      First thing I did was change his contact name in my iPhone to was “Idiotic Twat.” That seemed to take me to the right mental place I needed to be before I communicated with him.

      He’s not the person I thought I married, who was… actually human. So he didn’t deserve to be called by his name in my mind.

      He wasn’t bigger than me (mighty wise. He is actually much bigger). Or tougher. Or stronger. Or smarter.

      He’s an idiot. Who is annoying. That I CAN TAKE DOWN!

      Hence, Idiotic Twat.

      • It did make things difficult when I would capture incriminating responses from him via text. I would screen shot it to my lawyer (who happens to be my stepmom), and she was like, “Now how am I supposed to use that screenshot in court? You realize this goes on a 30′ screen, right?”

        Oops.

      • Our 14 yr old daughter has started calling her dad That Twat, and sometimes Idiotic Twat. But only when he’s being a pain in the ass (about half the time). And no she didn’t get that from me! To my kids, I just call him ‘your father’. Always used to call him ‘papa’, but the kids made me stop, once they realized he was lying to them and didn’t care about them 🙁 .

        I just call him my ex – quite satisfying, or sometimes cheater narc. She’s Schmoopie, ’cause it was twu lurv, until it wasn’t.

        • I’m not much of a potty mouth myself, but I have my moments of potty mouth.

          My daughters refer to the OM as “garbage man” I prefer “asshat” or “Mr. Sparkles”. I haven’t yet come up with a name for my ex-wife, but I like your reference KarenE and just call her “ex”. No drama, no anger just ex a “nobody”.

          Great Post CL/CN !!!!

          • I grew up in the church (NOT with phony Jesus Cheater types) so the potty mouth stuff doesn’t come easy for me either. But after what I’ve been through it now comes a bit easier. My friends and I call the stbx the NA ClusterB for narcissistic asshole and ClusterB because we can’t decide if he is a narcissist or sociopath- it really is a toss up. I know, pretty mild, but it works for me.

              • That’s pretty funny, Nicole. When I separated from my ex, his mom, his brother, his cousin, and his aunt had all separated from their spouses within a 6 month period. I called them The Divorce Force.

                Now I just call them The Dark Side. And, mentally, when I see them, I hear the Darth Vader theme song.

              • I love Divorce Force and the Dark Side. They are very fitting for these nuts. My husband is from a family with a lot of divorce in it too. His mom has been married 3 times and was the OW with her last husband (I just found that out). I can’t believe I ignored that red flag- especially since I’m from a family that doesn’t have much divorce it. Head slap!

              • I’m leaning toward sociopath because he really seems to have no conscience at all at this point. Creep.

              • Even seasoned therapists have trouble telling the difference between them until they start strangling puppies. One distinction I read was that narcs feel pain for themselves (but not for others), whereas sociopaths don’t feel pain for anyone. Take that with a grain of salt.

              • Interesting Tempest. I haven’t heard or read that one. I guess it doesn’t really matter because they are all severely character disordered but it is interesting for sure. In the book “Sociopath Next Door” it talks about how the Inuit tribe calls these types of people “kunlegeta” which is similar to psychopath. If someone is labeled “kunlegeta” in the tribe they are forced to go hunting by themselves and then, with no witnesses, a tracker is sent after him to push him off the ice and into the water. Problem solved. I giggled when I read that.

              • I don’t know how correct this is, but I read that the difference between a psychopath and a sociopath is that a sociopath lives on the fringes of society – it is immediately obvious that there is something wrong with them, they were damaged in childhood (usually) and are liable to smash things up and have little self-control. A psychopath, on the other hand, is an expert at blending into society, will manipulate and mirror, is usually conniving and strategic and was born that way.

                I’ve no idea whether that’s accurate, it’s really annoying there’s no clear distinction!

        • Haha, KarenE–I usually refer to OW, now the fiancee of my X, as “Schmoopie.” I always change my voice when I say it, though. If you have ever seen Tony Curtis in the WWII comedy Operation Petticoat, imagine saying “Schmoopie” in the same tone of voice that Curtis called for Ramone. I love “Schmoopie” as a nickname, since you can say it so many ways to convey everything from ridicule to derision.

          For the XH? First, I love referring to him as XH, even more than STBX. In real life, I just don’t talk about him much. I started referring to him as “Mr Chuckles” or “Mr. Happy” because he’s clearly miserable most of the time. Also, there was a Chuckles the Clown in his native city, and I think that XH’s lying is so laughably obvious that he’s definitely a clown.

          • There is also an episode of Seinfeld where Jerry gets a girlfriend and they can’t decide on pet names but eventually decide on schmoopie and everyone finds it revolting. Great episode- of course.

          • That’s funny.. my brother would mock out Ex, saying “schmoopie” in a Groucho Marx voice. It always made me laugh.

          • My therapist told me there is a now a diagnosis for the sociopathic/narcissist which is what I was married to.

  • I call my ex “that guy I accidentally married.” It isn’t foul, but it always draws a snicker.

    I call my fellow victims of his lies “poor bastards.”

    My foul language is usually around the actions, like, apparently it’s so incredibly important for your dick to go into new and different fuckholes all the time that you’d give up everything to keep fucking strange, etc.

    • They WILL give up EVERYTHING to keep fucking strange no matter what else they have and how long they have had it and that is what is so sad. I called XH a Whoremonger and called his OW a Whore but he did not react as he has adamantly and steadfastly denied the undeniable physical evidence, calling me crazy for even broaching the subject. OW is a blonde-haired, sea green-blue-eyed, red-faced, Snoopy-nosed, Popeye-chinned, tattooed-foot, carpenter’s dream whore-ass bitch slut with no morals who knew we were together when she knocked boots with him.

      • Chumptacular…it is so frustrating and maddening when they deny what you see with your own eyes! And then call you crazy…adding insult to injury! Mine called me ” insecure” and told me to “see a shrink” when i called him out. It is beyond me how they can claim to LOVE you and then treat you so badly.

  • Dumbass – I stole that one from my sister. Her first husband cheated on her and that’s what she called him for years. I got permission from her to use it because it clearly fit my situation too. When I post on CL, I typically just call him cheater – no capital C because he doesn’t deserve it.

    • mIne is either, sarcastically, FOTY (father of the year) or FUT (fucking useless twit), she’s the pink cow (as she wandered onto his field during a game of Farmville on Facebook – that’s TRUE love.

      The Karma bus be rollin’ tho. Married for four years, never lived in the same country together, FUT is getting divorced because they can’t be together. He is committed to his biological children until the youngest is 16. Let’s be clear, he has seen the kids for a total of four days since May 2015.

      The part that irks me is how he has downloaded the demise of his “marriage” to his desire to be in his kids lives until DS turns 16.

      Selfish prick

      Now my kids, most notably my DD, gets to eat the shit sandwich that she and her sibling may be the reason for the demise of another relationship.

      Oh and BTW, DD had surgery yesterday and FUT never called, texted, emailed to check on how she was doing. He did however text about how he will have to pay any amount not covered by insurance.

      Classic FUT.

        • Farmville…..that is hilarious. I used to play that….. my stbx and I own a cattle farm….so the pink cow wandering into his field… too funny.
          since we own beef…that we sold to the public…..I call.him Burger Meister Meister Burger. He’s from the Christmas special The year without a Santa Claus.
          He’s been called the Governor. ..he thinks he owns everything.
          Her name is Migdalia….my girls couldn’t even pronounce it. He wrote on an envelope in phonics how to say it…..he rolls his tongue and makes this weird face. I can do it perfectly….cracks my kids up.
          I call her Miggie, MigMailya….she a mail carrier. And then I let the typical whore references fly. In court I have called her a whore. I told the judge it’s a biblical term.

          I never used to swear….my kids never heard either of us swear. His girlfriend texted me I was a Cunt. I never once ever used that word…..but now……
          Cunt cake
          CuntMuffin….waffle twat. She’s a mail carrier….so Mail slut, mail hole, hood rat, slut, slore, slunt, limp dick sucker, Swallow Back Girl…….
          I have tore up Gwen Stefani song….Hollar Back Girl…..

          ? How many times you been on your back taking dick up your crack…. I AINT no Swallow Back Girl……I Ain’t no Swallow Back Girl…….

      • PhysicsGal–what a POS father,more interested in avoiding copay than whether his own child is okay after surgery. Father of the year, indeed.

  • I call him Narchole (as in narcissistic asshole) or Exhole on a regular day to day basis and exchange with everyday people and sometimes a whole lot of foul mouth things depending on the shit he has pulled at that given time. I am not a swearer but given the circumstances I have developed quite the potty mouth when I think of the asshole. Even then there is not a foul mouth word on this planet that can adequately capture who he really is. It’s just impossible.

  • Well fuck me and the fucking horse I rode in on. How in the body hell do they expect us to express the mind fucked, soul shit upon, ass-clownery these bastard thrust (pun intended) on us. The assholes aren’t uncomfortable with the language, they are uncomfortable with us and the fucking situation we have been put in. They don’t want to hear about it, it scares the shit out if them and out of sight out of mind is their mentality. We have all seen this first hand when we have said something to certain people who will visibly cringe and pull away when we talk about what happened, they don’t even want to listen when the language isn’t coarse. My use of BBBHORE conveys just what I intend it to, combining the fact that she is a whore with where the where the fucking around started at. Maybe too much information but here in the relative anonymity of CN I think it paints the appropriate picture.

  • I call mine the Fucking Asshole. And his OW the fucking c**t. Hate that word and have never used it…..until now.

      • I do not like to insult people in the way I have insulted the OW (not to her face, we haven’t been introduced). I don’t like calling women whores. I don’t like insulting sex-workers (she was not a sex-worker) because there is so much shit and exploitation in the business. It’s an odd thing for me to have this stuff in my brain, rolling around from time to time like I have silent Tourette’s – and my sympathy to those who actually do have Tourette’s.

        HOWEVER: had I not expressed what I think about these idiots in the APPROPRIATE language I think I may have spent time at her Majesty’s pleasure. Foul language has saved the British tax payer the cost of my jail time. See? I am the better person 🙂

        • It’s true, the epithets and expletives just roll around in your head. When I exhausted the usual corpus of swear words and nasty names, I started to make up some that I would be embarrassed to post here.

          Someone used to use “lily-livered fucktard;” my X liked young students so “twat-guzzling sexual predator” seems appropriate.

          • I’m trying to work more references to OW’s character as a woman of negotiable virtue, and what that means for XH (“pimp” seems wrong), who basically bought what she’d give away for free.

            I’m angry, but I’m allowing myself to see the absurdity of the whole thing, and finding funny nicknames or descriptions is part of this. Plus, they’d both of them hate it if any of these terms stuck and word got around in our smallish community, even though I’m more in the “gown” circles than the “town” circles.

            However, when I was at a committee meeting and someone asked me how things were going with the divorce, another colleague, whom I don’t see often, offered sympathy. I thanked her, and told her that it was okay, as it turned out I’d married a lying, cheating asshole. 😀

          • My X”s whore is now with child. He is 52 she is 23. New year. New problems. Lol I guess they think loads more responsibility will make you more responsible. Good luck Peter Pan!

        • When I call him Ho hub, and his ho’s whores and ho’s, because they actually are literal sex workers, then I’m in the clear, right? And let’s be honest…. Yes, sex workers get a bad wrap and all that, I don’t like using the term derogatorily. But… Many of the schmoopie affair partners are basically pay for play- they are jumping on their best chance at a step up sugar daddy/momma scenario… Which essentially makes them sex workers. They are often delusional and misinformed about their partners monetary situation but hey- players gonna play.

  • He started out as “asshat” but then I found CL and the idea of narcissist sparkles and he then became “Narkles the Clown with his Flying Whore” because hey, not my circus not my monkeys. Besides I think we have a lot of asshats here already and I did not want the confusion.

    Also I had not until now realized the level of cursing here was any kind of issue. Like all good journalist I have been known to start conversations with “Fuck face, how are you?” or “Good morning whore-bag!” and those are people I know and love.

  • Names for the cheater and his gold-digger?

    Informal: Asshole and Cunt-face.

    Formal: Lord and Lady Douchebag.

  • I refer to mine as “Ike” because he was an abusive asshole. Also like to call him Droid or Fembot because he is not Human. Ive also used “Black Widow”…he mates, cheats and kills. And my all-time favorite…”The Black Ted Bundy”. He’s one strangulation and/or affair away from being a serial killer..of hearts that is

    • Okay – I LOVE “Ike!” So direct and to the point. After having seen “What’s Love Got to Do With It,” when arguing with the Ex over some passive-aggressive foul ass shit he was doing, I would frequently ask “how about we go for a limousine ride and work this out.” I frequently thought that even though he was King in emotional abuse, in a fair physical fight, I might be able to fuck him up.

      • Lmao. Every once in a while when I see him I say “Hey Ike” and he usually replies :My name is not Ike”but he alway ha’s this confused look like he doesn’t have a clue why I just called hime that. We have kids so I can’t do 100% NC yet. But he is a crazy soulless motherfucker

  • Shitbox. Or at least that’s what I call him on here. Reason being that every time I see ‘STBX’ written on here, Shitbox is what my mind translates it as. Pretty tame, but I like it.

    • Someone close to me has referred to him as ‘The Big C’. Something apt in likening him to cancer. His actions and their repercussions are like a spreading disease. That is very tame though.

      I’m far too polite to have a proper potty mouth and use profanities. But if pushed, I’d go for ‘Peacock Cunt’. More to do with his excessive preening, than the size of his penis. But you could read it either way.

      • Oh, OffTheCrazyTrain; ‘ I’d go for Peacock Cunt’. Love it, even most of us would rather apply the C word to men. Excessive preening was what knocked me off my chair. Well said!

  • I use husband stealing whore a lot for her and sociopathic asshole for him. If that’s even a word. But my favorite description right now, courtesy of CL, is “empty elevator shaft where his soul should be.” I still get a lot of smiles for that one.

    • Nancy, OMG that had me dying’ HaHaHa!!! So good! THIS perfectly describes the stress of our lives and lengthy divorce and EVERYTHING!! PERFECT cartoon meme for Chump lady to draw!! THIS needs to be on coffee cups and given to EVERY chump to drink their morning coffee as they are getting’ through their difficult days! Imagine: A picture of a toilet and the stubborn turd with the caption, I have a turd that won’t flush SO … I read Chump Lady.com! 🙂

  • I’m a fan of CL’s “fucktard” for “he who shall not be named.” I call the AP/OW “easy prey”. But I can’t take credit for that. That is what he called his ho-worker (who was very pregnant with her husband’s baby at the time) this when I discovered affair and he momentarily tried to get me to pick-me dance. Yes. I married a “man” who would refer to another woman as “prey.” As if the lies and mind fcks and gas lighting wasn’t enough (I was also pregnant during this but sadly miscarried at 4 months) but this comment alone was enough to make divorce the only option. ‘Cause fuck that!

    • Easypray – Mine never said that, but that is exactly what he did. He went after prey (me, OW, etc.). It was a twisted, sick, game to him. It was such a mindfuck, because even though I still “loved him” near the end (maybe I should say my emotional system was still attached to him), I kept having these intrusive thoughts about what a predator and a misogynist he must really be in order to behave as he had. I was never able to let those thoughts pass, and eventually, I couldn’t stay. I remember looking over at him one day and thinking *Who the fuck is the man I actually married?!?. He thinks women are only objects to be used for his pleasure. He disgusts me.*

  • The ex (thank you to the Chump who gave me the insight to never use “my” when referring to him) is simply “Asshat,” although there is also a clever anagram that suits him, “cat’s enema.” LOL. The other woman is “SkankWhore.”

    Incidentally, early on, I once accidentally referred to OW as “SkankWhore” in Asshat’s presence, to which he responded “I will NOT have you talk like that about someone I respect!” I guess my coarse language upset his delicate sensibilities… Dickhead.

    • Kaycan, I’m laughing out loud, “I will NOT have you talk like that about someone I respect!”
      You should have told him You don’t respect either one of them, and he doesn’t dictate what you say then tell him to take his condescending tone and shove it up his dignified ass, or her fat ass.
      Pompous ass.

      • Haha that’s the kind of pompous ass tone the dickhead I married has now! Who the fuck do they think they are? Being a low life lying scumbag- fine… But a few justified expletives and they make out they’re like one of the waltons!

        • Ha ha! Whenever Asshat emails about a kid issue, he refers to them as “the children.” WTF? I know who they are… why not use their names or just say “the kids”? Gimme a break… I know you’re a community college drop-out, so your highfalutin’ wordsmithing doesn’t impress me!

          • Because they’re all growed up, dontcha know!!!! The two of them post “meaningful” crap on FB and giggle about how their childhood is behind them. Big words for Big Wuv!!!! Mine’s doing the same with the vocabulary. And poor wife he left behind … He feels sorry for me because of course I can’t live without him … but “a decision had to be made”. Give me a fucking break.

          • My ex does that too, refers to them as “the children,” very formal. And when he references me me to them, it’s “your mother.”

            He will also say things like: “I’ve not had the opportunity to check into that” (versus, “I haven’t done that yet”). I do have to quickly stop myself from replying: “And I’ve not had the opportunity to give a single fuck.” I know my violation of NC would be wasted on him.

            I think he believes this makes him appear high-class. Sorta hilarious if you knew where he came from and our respective positions in life post-divorce. But it’s all about the show for him, in his mind he is reading the lines.

            Ah well, tomatoe tomahto

              • Mine loves to use the same kind of high and mighty language. It’s always, “One would presume,” or “One would think,” or “Shall I assume you mean . . . ?” It drives him nuts when I mimic him and use the same language in return because it’s so freaking pretentious and dismissive. Oops, I meant to say, because it’s so fucking pretentious and dismissive!

              • yes, pretentious. Mine’s byline on his Ashley Madison account was “in pursuit of passion and excitement”–“in pursuit of…” who the fuck talks like that on a pickup site?

              • Tempest gross. Just gross. I repeat who falls for this shit?? assclown preferred customers, colleagues and office staff. and his emails texts were just as stupid and these stupid twit bitches fall for it.

        • So True Jo, suddenly they’re one of the Walton’s (funny). The X I was married also has a pompous pretentious ass attitude and comes off as if he’s one of the Walton’s. I’m going to use that from now on to describe him, John Boy.. I have described him as coming off as a boy scout but I like John Boy, or one of the Walton’s better.
          Speaking of terms used, X referred to me as our sons primary care caregiver as opposed to referring to me as our son’s mother?
          X is a condesending asshole. He has an attitude of superiority. I honestly believe he has the same personality as Ted Bundy.

      • That “episode” was a year ago, shortly after I kicked him out but before he’d officially found a place to go, so it was an extremely volatile time (to say the least.) I remember that comment unhinged me, and I think I went into a blind rage of cursing! I’m usually a very calm, even-tempered person, so this response surprised me. Later, I realized it came down to this: His SkankWhore was worthy of his “respect,” but his wife and children were not. While I regret that I completely lost my shit in front of him that night, I look back on it as a huge light bulb moment for me. That was not who I was… it was who he’d made me out to be.

        • It’s a mindfuck how they won’t stand for their whore to be “disrespected.” My then-sixteen-year-old daughter called the MOW a whore, and do you know what he did to her? He KICKED her. In her back, after she turned to walk away. He kicked his own CHILD to champion his slut. Mindfuck.

          • Do. Not. Assault. My. Daughter.

            It will fucking not end well for you.

            God only knows how I made it into my daughter’s young adulthood to leave her asshole father’s ass, but I would not have if he had ever physically abused her in any way in my presence.

          • My aren’t they they quite the gentleman when they’re feeling superior. X in public comes across as cultured, sophisticated, courteous, impressive. Chivalrous even, witty, what a pleasure to be in his company. Get him behind closed doors and he sounds like a hill billy, or a country bumpkin, condescending asshole, ridiculing the everyone, how he can go from one extreme to another has always baffled me. Especially now as he uses his charm in the courtroom to screw me.
            Sleazy, vile, repulsive, vulgar, revolting, hideous excuse for a human being.
            This just came to mind as I was listing adjectives to describe Cheater. He’s also a sneaky, heinous coward, he would never confront someone especially a man or anyone with any kind of authority, if he had a problem or complaint with anything in our neighbor hood or any service we received or someone offended him, he would write unsigned notes and mail these notes or letters to them, some would be long and insulting, ridiculing, condescending and insulting every aspect of them from their intelligence or lack of to the vehicle they drove.. slimy,weasel.. yuck!

    • Seriously kaycan-I just can’t with these flaming turds. I almost choked when I read that. I am sorry, but that is HYSTERICAL. Does he respect Pol Pot, Idi Amin, and Bin Laden too? Good God, he is twisted idiot!

    • I never use “my ex” either. It’s the ex. I don’t want any part of him.
      Fuckface or Mr. Cheaterpants work for me?

  • My ex is either Romeo or The Predator and his little tart is either The Moll or El Cheap. Not very clever I know but it gets my point across. However, I have a girlfriend who used to work with my ex and me both and when she is talking about him and what he has done, she turns the air blue. She says enough for the both of us. 🙂

  • I emailed the wanker once, telling him to “fuck off you obnoxious cunt”. This was in response to him stating that hospitalising me was ‘regrettable but deserved’. He replied asking me to watch my language. I could say the same about his fists! Knob head.
    He’s becoming a distant memory now thankfully….

    • Sadly not. I got some legal advice that scared the shit out of me. Guy said I might not win as I didn’t report it at the time and I honestly just couldn’t deal with going through all that. Looking back I kind of wish I had but my head was so messed up then and I wasn’t making good decisions. I just had to focus on get better- I’m nearly at meh now I think.

  • I love being a potty mouth. I do not apologize for it. Never will. When it comes to the ex (the fucking asshole who was a functioning alcoholic for our entire marriage, basically sat in a basement and drank each night and then because his family is uber wealthy (millions) and he could afford to do so (although his family’s wealth in no way fucking explains why, during our marriage, he salted away hundreds of thousands of dollars on a line of credit that was only in his name and of course, during disclosure discussions between lawyers, all we got was a fucking spreadsheet (really?) to explain the $200K debt)… divorced me for a 15 year younger, married with 2 kids woman that he was dating LONG before he even asked for a divorce well, as you all know, she’s not a woman in the true sense of the word as our families were well acquainted for many years. She is just now getting a divorce from her chump. But I digress…

    She’s a fucking skank. No better way to put it. ‘She’s a skank’ just doesn’t cut it.
    He’s a fucking liar. To me. To the kids.
    He’s a fucking thief.
    He’s a fucking cheater.

    …and ya know… it does feel good to express it just like that.

    Chump Lady… google:

    people who swear more

    You will come across quite a few links like this one:

    http://www.usnews.com/news/articles/2015-12-17/study-people-who-swear-more-are-smarter-have-larger-vocabulary

    People who swear or swear MORE… well:

    They are smarter
    ….and
    They are more honest.

    There it is.

    Chump Lady. I fucking love you.

  • I call him x (doesn’t deserve any emphasis or importance) or when I’m in a foul mood he’s “my chidren’s sperm donor”

  • I too developed the obviously contagious “potty mouth” upon being chumped. Cursing was not something I did often before but I tend to throw F-bombs like birdseed these days. I haven’t, however developed any special names other than liar and cheat as for me they are sufficiently vile. I have learned how to inject ” for fucks sake” into as many conversations as possible.

  • Ho Hub. Because I hate the term hubby and I’m stuck married to him for a bit, and he is a Ho, and he is the doldrums of boring (Ho hum) about most things because he is busy with ho’s

  • A mutual “friend” of all three of us – Fucktard, me, and the whore – used language that enraged me for its complete minimization of their actions: their “choices that went against their own social norms,” and “bad choices that went against their own personal commitments of what they want to live up to.” They “made mistakes which did harm.”

    Going topless in public (for a woman in the US) is a ‘bad choice’ that goes against social norms. : Failing to go to the gym after deciding to get in shape is a ‘bad choice’ that goes against a personal commitment you want to live up to. Failing to signal a turn and causing a fender-bender is a ‘mistake that did harm.’ What they did killed my soul, and seriously maimed my daughter’s soul.

    It was only when I went nuclear with my language that she even STARTED to get off her new-age, squishy, ‘don’t be judge-y’, ‘these are good people who made mistakes’ high horse (nah, new-agey, probably a llama) and start to get an inkling of the utter awfulness, and my rage and my despair.

    CL is right: ‘softening’ the language used about cheating makes it seem so much less awful than it really it. F-bomb away.

    • I would love to see CL do the complementary column to this one: all the enraging ways the cheaters and their partners and their families and Switzerland friends use minimizing language.

      • Oh man, you’re so right. We could do with a new post on fucking Switerlanders, Neutrals and Fucked Up Enablers. Fuck the lot of them. They fuck with your head with their minimising ways.

        The fucks were for the sake of today’s post. But fucking hell, CL is right. Swearing felt good! Fuck fuck fuckety fuck!!

        • Yes yes yes!! we need a whole blog post on the things these Switzer-fakes have to say, for example, said to me recently, “Now, Muse, it wasn’t ALL bad with asshole! you need to stop being so toxic!”

          • Un fucking believable….dump their sorry ass, Muse. I hope you have moved on from this Switzer-fake.

            Aaarrgggg…people like this make me so angry…arrrgggg…..

      • I heard from x : “I let you down”.

        Mind you, somewhere near d-day he also said ” there was seldom a time I wasn’t screwing other women during our 27yrs of marriage”.

    • How do they get all those llamas in Switzerland? That’s the real question. And what do they do with all the incense while riding them? Can you achieve a good lotus pose on the back of a llama?

    • ChChChump I couldn’t agree more: the minimizing language of cheater’s family and Switzerland friends needs a special post. Thankfully I have gone NC with all of those but just the other day somebody told me about a conversation she had with my ex-MIL who was expressing her concern over the fact that her baby is humping a 26 year old chick that she fears will leave him and brake his heart. What.The.Fuck? He broke the hearts of his wife and two young boys, blew up our lives to go hump the OW and her fear is that he will get his heart broken when the whore will leave him? I mean, these people are stupid morons, psychopaths, what? I don’t get it.

  • Another dumbass term – affair fog. Yeah right. More like high on pussy juice, ego kibbles and entitlement.

    • agreed. Interestingly, I’m the one who felt like I was coming out of a fog after I kicked cheater to the curb (ooops, I’m supposed to swear in this post so substitute dumb ass for cheater). As his lies unfolded and he wasn’t brainwashing me with his gaslighting and manipulation anymore, my head became clearer and I saw him for what he really was instead of what I spackled him to be. Affair fog my fucking ass – the chump fog has lifted!

  • Tracy, I don’t think you would be getting nearly as much flack for cursing if were a man writing a blog about infidelity. The Internet and blogosphere would be cheering on your “blunt, no-nonsense attitude.”

    But because you’re a girl, you’re supposed to be nice. And it’s this desire to to be nice and fear of causing offense or disruption, that causes a lot of chumps to remain stagnant and make stupid decisions.

    For all your fiery rhetoric and stupendous profanity, you’ve never responded abusively to commentators on your blog, even the cheaters and OW who have written you letters or posted comments.

  • On my iPhone he is Lying Cheating Douchebag Fucktard – “LCDBFT” for short bcs there is not enough space for all the names I’d like to call him ?
    I love this site BECAUSE of the cussing.
    Anger is far better than analysis paralysis boo hooing.

    • My sister came up with: “f***youeffingf***erf***tardf***facef***er” but way too long. I use Sad sausage or Idiot in general conversation. And the girl-child is M@@@@@@Trash, or Trashican as my friend coined it. During fake reconciliation I confronted sad sausage when he wanted me to just stand by while he continued to cheat “just a little” b y texting “just a little”, talking “just a little”, or going to lunch “only in groups” with the girl-child he was FUCKING. He looked at me with such shock and awe that I said “yes, it’s vulgar. What you did was vulgar.” End of 35 year relationship right there and then. Hope that is still ringing in his ears, his filthy ears.

      See I can barely even type it even with anonymous name.

  • The STBX is unworthy of an actual name, so I refer to him as The Unmentionable. As for his one true love, I call her Charlotte the Harlot. (And no, Charlotte isn’t her real name.)

  • I love potty mouth love love fucking love it. The mow: Masturbation face. Walking wet hole. Fucking whore. Really really shitty mother. Brother fucker. Weasel faced illiterate mynah bird.

  • As a woman of a certain age (okay, 51), I was raised to be a polite lady by typically conservative Southern parents. When married, my former husband thought it absolutely vulgar for a swear word to come out of my mouth. One the very rare occasions I used profanity to communicate my anger or distress, he would look at me with horrified revulsion and say, “Control yourself and don’t talk like a sailor.”

    I have since kicked that motherfucker to the curb and am enjoying my motherfucking new life. Buh-bye, asshole!

      • CE,
        I agree with the poster above – the prohibition on swearing applies only to women. It is society’s attempt to contain and control a woman’s anger. If you can’t say it, you can’t feel it. If you can’t feel it, it doesn’t exist. So, a woman’s profanity directly challenges the status quo.

        Who is admired for “taking the high road?” Women. The public image of the restrained, dignified, SILENT wronged spouse? Sandra Bullock. Maria Shriver. Elin Nordegren. Jennifer Anniston. Women who did not “stoop to his level” but “kept their heads held high” and “focused on the children.” Stay classy, Chumps!

        Well, I say, NO MO, MOFO! A day may come when we roll over and bite our tongues but it is not this day! This day we fight! And say Fuck! Many, many times.

        • “Well, I say, NO MO, MOFO! A day may come when we roll over and bite our tongues but it is not this day! This day we fight!”

          Where is the LIKE 1000 Times button for this? LOLOLOL!!!!

        • Amen, Eve!! It’s not only liberating to swear and show anger, it’s downright feminist of us.

          (interestingly, one of the books I’m reading on the harm of therapists pushing “forgiveness” is that it is the disenfranchised and disempowered who are most likely to be told to forgive their oppressors, and the author specifically mentions women. Fuck forgiveness, while we’re at it.)

          • I agree, they tell us to forgive because they think there is no other choice, so we need to pretend that we are now okay with what happened. I’ll never be okay with it, I’ll never understand it, I’ll never be able to depersonalize it. Sometimes things just suck. Forgiving those who are neither repentant nor reformed is just silly. I have no interest in playing the fool any longer and I will never allow myself to be so powerless.

        • I bet all those ladies did some swearing in private. And Elin smashed up his car windows with one of his own golf clubs. Go girl.

          • Elin was fucking epic. I love that.

            Now maybe for the average chump, it wouldn’t be wise, but when you have a supermodel and a golf pro, I think they can afford it – SHE can afford it can still raise the kids comfortably, while telling the whole fucking world this shit is not okay.

            Epic.

  • Before I post my description of the slime, I thought I’d share an amusing story, once when we were having an “discussion” on our relationship. I brought up that he was distant and asked if there was something bothering him. He said no it was me, I’m never happy.., (something along those lines). I then said I was getting tired of being treated like shit..
    OMG! X went into a rant.., listen to your mouth!!! you’re white trash!!! that’s what you are, white trash, I’m married to Trailer Trash.., I replied you use worse language and your sisters cuss like sailors and driver with their middle finger out the window with them screaming the F word at almost everyone on the road, you don’t call them trash. That’s just how they are, but you’re trash.. I wish I had used harsher language than shit at the time, and made sure I repeated myself every time he looked over at me.
    Now to work on my description of the individual I married, trusted, loved and devoted/wasted 20+ years with .

    • Ask Fuckwad what he remembers from the two years I was doing the pick me dance…he will tell you he can’t forget how I said I hated him ONCE. ONCE, while I was huddled against a wall, having a panic attack, begging him to please please please have some empathy for me. All while he stood there over me expressing scorn. Damn right I hated him in that moment. But apparently I wasn’t allowed to actually SAY something like that.

  • I mostly lurk here but I’ll join in the fun. I refer to the xwife as ttlc, two-timing lying cunt and since her om is supposed to be a farmer (he lives on his daddy’s land in a trailer his sister gave him) I refer to him as her farm fresh fuck buddy. And if course they live on fuckbuddy farm. He also plays in a garage band I call fucktard and the fuck nuggets. Useless every damn one of them.

    • I would call mine a three-timer, due to his involvement with his (8 years) long term stripper friend-with-benefits who charged a fee for services, but he was frequenting other stripper-prostitutes as well, so five-six-seven-timer-plus?
      The OW, the affair partner who provided free services, who was at-bat on d-day, is now officially his current “girlfriend.” He lives in her house and “works” from home while she works. And she isn’t special, because in those seven months he was cheating on me with her, he was cheating on her with the long term good friend stripper prostitute and the smorgasbord of others.

      In my calendars and documentations I ID him as NPS for narcissistic psychopathic sociopath. I don’t have any “names” for him, but I know he’s one of the modern day biblical demons. I don’t say it outloud, but to myself, I call him a cunt-stuffer.

  • Oh and bcs the LCDBFT ASSHAT is a serial cheater – he fucks em all but keeps the “respectable” one as his main squeeze (for his outward appearance) the OW are all referred to as cum dumpsters. How’s that for cussing? 😀

  • He is now the Cheater Ex and she is the OW. I should get creative. She could be The Grandmother. Cheater Ex didn’t pick a younger model with big boobs. No. He picked a woman the same age as me, 3 times divorced and a grandmother….who makes lots and lots of rock candy. What the fuck. (I have nothing against grandmothers and certainly hope to be one one day)

    I tend to cuss more when I talk about it compared to when I write about it. It pisses me OFF! I get Tourettes! And the whole thing has become Everything That Happened…that includes discovery, the lying, the kicking his ass out, hiring the PI, him moving in with OW, ending our homeschooling, selling the house DDay. EVERYTHING. Like he’s Voldermort in Harry Potter….He Who Must Not Be Named And All That Mean Shit He Did.

  • Fuckedy fuck that fucking shit. Cosmo is the Bible for adultery and h g Brown was the Whore Queen Mother regarding fucking married men.
    I can’t imagine readers of that mag being offended by profanity, but who the fuck cares?

  • I called my cheater many names (silently, in my head) like asshat, snake, manwhore, etc. Once I moved out, I really wanted to put one of those names as his contact in my phone, but I didn’t want my kids to see that, so I didn’t. Here’s how I think about him in my head (Liar, Henry Rollins-style). It helps me to never go back to believing him.

    https://youtu.be/awY1MRlMKMc?t=1m28s

      • Henry Rollins is my Spirit Animal. I saw that band a dozen times or more, and he used to send me handwritten postcards in my teens and twenties. There is even an original Photo Print of him right above the Bless Our Home Keyrack at the front door.

        He’s been my imaginary husband since 1985, basically. His hair is white like Anderson Cooper now, though.

            • YES. I consume all things Rollins. 🙂 Including his semicrappy indie B-Movie currently stinking up Pay-Per-View, He Never Died

              He’s not quite as bulked up these days, looks more like Uncle Fred from down the pub. But still a looker, a silver fox all the way.

              He also hosts Ten Things You Didn’t Know About on the History Channel.

              The acting needs work, Hank. Don’t quit your other 37 jobs. 😛

              • Oh, I’ve never seen this – “Ten Things You Didn’t Know About” on the History Channel. I’ll have to see if it’s online anywhere since I don’t have cable. Thx!!

              • Ugh Luziana, I hate to burst your bubble but my old boyfriend used to tour with Henry back in the 80’s and he was quite the douche to his girlfriend. He was verbally and physically abusive. No bueno,indeed.

        • Rollins. Never seen a human beast sweat as much as this dude while he’s performing. Transcenfuckingdental. (This is my first post. Nice to see so many musical kin.)

    • I confess I never listened to Henry Rollins’ music in years past but saw this video recently and it viscerally “gets” what life with the Raging Narc was like.

    • Holy Shit! Right down to the smile and the knowing eyes.
      This describes my existence with my ex. It certainly was not a life.

    • Not surprisingly, the X loved this song, but I didn’t know at the time, it was because he admired the concept! He was a VERY good liar.

    • This is my X, I was married to this.., I have a picture of X looking at me while I took his picture, X has the same enraged look as this guy.
      Thanks for sharing I’m going to use this video as reference if for any reason I become nostalgic.
      I have the photo of X and his enraged face on my desk for the same purpose.

    • Ooh, I like it! Asshat’s OW is Florence (alt Flwhorence) Sluntingale. I can’t remember who but another chump gave them a mashp name of Flohat, lol.

  • Actually I have you to thank CL, for properly identifying his genus and species: he is a prime example of Disordered fuckwit.

    I also use the common name Stupid Motherfucker.

    What he did can ONLY be described as a shitstorm of mindfuckery and assholery.

    I don’t generally trust people that don’t cuss…

      • My ex (a professional saxophonist) listed himself on dating sites, playing up the fact that he was a creative artist, blah blah blah…and put this quote, “For all your saxual needs” under his photo. Gah!!! I started referring to him as Dick with a Horn, or Horny Dick at that point. But these days he goes by the name Loser Fucktard.

        • Piano mommy, “saxual” needs, that’s hysterical. Yes, KM, who do these losers think they are. The X I was married to had some stupid comments in reference to himself on his dating site profile. I’ll have to think to remember what they were. What I can remember is he had about a dozen photos of himself with his muscle shirts on and purposely posing with his arms flexed to show off his muscles. I wish I could remember some of his comments. They were some of the stupidest things I’d ever heard and I can’t believe anyone would have thought anything other than what an asshole but apparently they do.

  • I’d consider myself a relatively conservative religious type (although if you talk to some, I’m a flaming liberal because I believe in the ordination of women). I go to church every weekend, I send my daughter to Bible camp, I run a religious blog, and I got my bachelor’s degree from a very conservative religious school where you could get kicked out for having sex before marriage and things like that. I used to joke that if a swear word was in the Bible, you could say it, so “hell,” “damn” and “ass” were the only words on my OK list. From the time I was 12 to the time I was 32, I did not use any s-words or f-words. Not once. 8 hours of unmedicated, Pitocin-fueled labor with my son and a posterior delivery of his 9lb-5oz baby butt… no f-words or s-words.

    I found out that my husband was cheating on me and I cussed him out like a sailor. My XH also considers himself religious (Mormon, obviously not a very good one) and in 11 years of marriage I never heard him say any swear words (or even “poop” for that matter). He started telling me, “Watch your language!” and I said, “Oh, that’s great, you’re more upset that I’m saying ‘fuck’ than you are that you fucked that woman!” Swearing after penting up my rage and frustration for so long was really cathartic.

    I don’t have any particularly clever names for XH. I do recall telling him, “Fuck you and the whore you rode in on,” which I did think of on my own, though I know I’m not the first person to think of it.

    • Did you use the term here? I commented above about reading it here a while ago. Except I think it was ‘whores’, plural. Loved it then, love it now.

      • I’m sure I’ve posted it here somewhere, though you bet I actually said it to him! Would have been just one whore for mine. “Whores” sounds even more like the original saying, lol.

      • “Fuck you and the whorse (whores) you rode in on!” was something I used to say a long-arse time ago (and probably said on here once or twice) when referring to the Fuckwit and his Red Headed Hag – aka the girl who was so fat that Fuckwit probably had to ask for directions to reach her vagina.

  • My friends call him Voldemort because I’ve told them I never want to hear his name mentioned.

    I have called him Wasband or when I’m in the mood, “emotionally abusive, lying, cheating, smegma piece of fuck-stain”.

    Thankfully I’m long passed Tuesday…

  • And you know who is really insulted by profanity? The RIC, and cheaters. Don’t say your ex was “fucking a whore in the Walmart parking lot “. They were ” making love ” or “being intimate” or some crap. No, it’s fucking. Pure and simple. Ex was also offended by whore being called a whore. Even though her nasty ass called me the c#$t word. Slut.

    • Why are these guys so protective of the ow’s honor? I dont get it. She is the one acting like a slut. Yet he reveres her as if she were the Virgin Mother. Why? And yet he has no problem smearing me…the wife. Why????

      • Yo, it took me a while to figure that out myself. I finally realized that, as usual, they are defending themselves. Not ow. They know they are whores. However, if they admit ow is a whore, doing something wrong, etc. they are essentially saying that’s what they are as well. Ow good equals cheater good (in their fucked up mind s).

      • Because people are ornaments to cheaters. If you insult their ornament, they get testy (impression management and all).

    • just another blame shit. They commit adultery and us cussing and name calling is somehow bad? Our society is totally brainwashed at this point. Everything about the affair is our fault so we should be nice. I say fuck that shit. I’m not taking the crap off anyone. I will tell them straight up that cheating is on the cheater and the are all fucking whore cunt scumbags! That’s what’s so awesome about CL, we learn that it’s ok to stick up for ourselves.

  • I never apologize for using the “words” when referring to X. He has earned them, I dont remember his real name. 31 fucking years he fucked around, CON-fucking asshole. BTW this is a grammatically correct sentence according to Uncylepidia.

    Fuck fucking fucked fucker fucking fuckups fuck fucking fucked fucking fuckup fucking fucker’s fuck

    I also like motherfucker, asshole, fucktard…

    • I learned this in a linguistics class in college: “Fuck” is known as an “internal intensifier.” It’s the only one in the English language. You insert it in the middle of another word to intensify your point. Linguistically, all native speakers of English (I have no idea if this would hold true for speakers of other languages, sorry) know exactly where to place the “fuck” (i.e., which syllable it should become). I still to this day remember my professor using the example of Lake Winnipesaukee to show that we could place the “fucking” in the right place (Lake Winnipe-fucking-saukee)!

  • The cheater narrative is to romanticize cheating. They don’t fuckaround, they make lurrve.

    It’s not a washroom selfie with the toilet in the background, it’s connecting with their soulmate, so what if they take a shit while sexting with their soulmate, it’s admirable to multi task. They can shit, wipe, flush and be all sexy in the moment.

    Cheaters are having an “affair”, an affair is classy, even if the “affair takes place in a parking lot, a pay per hour motel, in the back seat of the family van, or exchanging groin pics while on holiday with your family.
    Yup….classy “affair”, they don’t fuck around, cheaters are appalled by foul language when caught.

    Poor cheater ears are sensitive orifices, ears are off limit, even though every other orifice in their body is fair game in the name of fucking.

    • Well said. What is it about taking a dump that makes them feel all sexy and stuff? Vomit. So true…and remember..when she spreads her legs for the married om its “exuberant defiance” …not being a slut. Pretentious hog slop. Thats all it is.

    • Yup. I remember couples counseling and calmly explaining how Woody was fucking a massage parlor whore, and that I suspected he was fucking other women as well, but he had no intention of coming clean. He looked at me shocked, as if to say “where did this foul language and spitefulness come from?” This from a man who had no problem FaceTime masturbating with his whore?!

      • Face time masturbating? OMG. Really? Face time masturbating. Wow. I am sure the SA I was with did this when I called the office and he was out of breath. Said it was his asthma or that he just ran in to answer his phone. I always felt he was lying but couldn’t figure it out. He worked alone in his office. Fuck me.

        Face time masturbating….blow me down….

        I have received quite the education from CL.

      • Omg, I remember a similar counseling session with X. X was 20 minutes late for the appt. claiming he got lost on the way there following my car. The counselor sat with us and said something about us being there for marriage counseling. X got up as if he was in shock and said what?? marriage counseling??!!
        she never told me that, she said we were coming here to discuss our son!!
        X had this stupid fake shocked look on his face.., then said she’s lying.., I’m done.. and he left.
        So full of shit, I hate him.

  • I had him as EX in my phone from the day he moved out, but I usually refer to him as DICKhead, when his whore was in the picture – i referred to her as SKANK, HoWorker

    And speaking of names, I think it’s about time I change my name here (not that I post that much – but ready every day) but I’m no longer a victim, which was what BetrayedFriend implied.

  • I’m with you, CL and CN. I’m not a big swearer, but infidelity brought it out in me. My husband fucked me over. If he’s allowed to do it, I’m allowed to say it

  • I simply call mine “The EXpletive.” It encourages whomever I’m talking with to label the lying cocksucking whore for themselves and I usually get some interesting responses.

  • I use cheating, lying, porn-addicted, prostitute-using, narcissistic, misogynistic, attachment-disordered on-line dating junkie, but “shitbag” works for short. My language automatically turns foul when I am speaking about him. Yet he still wants us to work together “for the best interests of the children.” Hello, mindfuckery (love that word!!!)

  • I call mine “shit head.” But I think my favourite one that I saw here is “Narkles the Clown.” That one made me laugh out loud.

    Swearing around infidelity is the least of your problems when you’ve experienced this shit. Have at the cuss words!

  • The kids and I call him Skip because he SKIPPED OUT on us. We call his affair partner, now fiance’, Miss W. My son started this and whispered, “you know what the W stands for right Mom?”. My children have been put on the back burner by my X and 22 years younger Miss W so many times…. I feel it is fine if this is as potty mouthed as my children get because THEY HAVE ANGER AND PAIN TO RELEASE TOO.

    We also sometimes refer to her as a Dingleberry (you know the little piece of shit that gets stuck to your dog’s ass fur and won’t fall off). Ha

    As I wave in and out of MEH, the need for “Fucking Liar and Fucking Cheater and Fucking Asshole” has mostly disappeared. It pops up when he occasionally does something that hurts the kids feelings AGAIN.

    I choose to keep looking forward for me, and when I am forced to look sideways because he acts up… I try to just consider him a Sorry Victim of his own stupid choices!

    Happy to understand he is Miss W’s wittle victim boy now 🙂

    • Oh, PA Princess, I laughed so hard . . . Dingleberry. Never knew there was a name for that ‘little piece of shit’. MoFaux and I called it a ‘What Not’ or a ‘ClingOn’.
      So, many thanks, DB ~~ you helped me find 2 names for her. MoFaux and What-Not/ClingOn. But she dumped him two months after DDay, so no matter.

      I referenced later in the thread that I had no name for her because I am going through this backwards today. Ever have one of those days?
      Shit-Bugger-Damn. BTW, Pearl-Clutcher, that is just one swear word. I’ve got a LOT more and I could not make it without them.

  • Fat Bastard – there’s a very specific reason – he’s morbidly obese, 6’4″ and pushing 400lb. He’s also got red hair and since he’s gained all the weight he looks almost exactly like Fat Bastard from the Austin Powers movies, giant overhanging belly and man boobs included.

    He’s a fucking shit filled sack of lies and perversion with a tiny little inverted dick that doesn’t work for anything but porn any more – He’s a noballed cockless shit eating ass licking perverted impotent freak titted son of a bitch who would rather text pictures of himself jerking off to random online twitter tramps and instagram whores than actually have real adult sex with his wife.

    Fat Bastard sums him up perfectly.

  • My bosses started calling him Douchebag before I even filed for divorce. I called him Dickhead. Now everyone in my circle refers to him as douchebag dickhead. I tend to call him the fucking douchebag dickhead. When you get chumped by a douchebag dickhead everything needs more emphasis, so I tend to add “fucking” as my adjective before most other words used to describe him:
    Fucking douchebag dickhead
    Fucking asshole
    Fucking loser
    Fucking sorry ass excuse for a dad
    Etc.
    Cursing is fun and releases stress. We all need that !

  • I refer to my asshat/fuckard/selfish asshole/cheat fuck/limp Viagra dick, etc. when in polite company as the “previous occupant.”

  • My ex’s name is Todd and my friends started calling him “Turd.” I even had him in my phone as such for a long time. But lately I’ve been calling him “ex-Douchcanoe” or “ex-Douchenozzle.” I don’t think of OW too often, but my friend said she looked like “A Thumb wearing a wig” so that is what we call her sometimes.

    • I would love to send this to Douche, The Douche, Super Douche, stinky hairy Douche, lazy ass Douche, ass hole Douche … he is such a Dickhead … but of course, he wouldn’t get it because he’s such a lame ass Douche who has no self awareness. The no longer OW was simply The Hostess (literally and figuratively) or Snaggle Tooth.

  • Because the MOW is an overly-masculine redhead I get the most fun choosing names for her/him: Auburn Asshole, Ginger Gigolo, Side Show Bob or, when I’m feeling particularly respectful, Señor Side Fuck or Mr. Almost Better Than Nothing. If you think about it they’re kinda of 2 for 1 kind of slams because it also infers that the ex has homosexual tendencies, which is the ultimate put down given his self-perceived machismo.

  • I never used to swear. It always seemed rather uncreative and pathetic in normal conversation, that someone could not express themselves without cussing.

    But once the cheating began, words failed me. The English language literally had no other words strong enough to express what I was feeling. So now I use them freely when discussing the situation.

    When my husband was cheating, I always made sure to refer to her when speaking to him as “your mistress.” He hated that. I told him that was simply the vocabulary word for who she was. But now that doesn’t work because she is his wife.

    Not to him, but to others, I have a special name for her. Her name is Stephanie so I call her Slutphanie.

    Him, I just call whatever comes to mind at the moment.

  • I haven’t got a name for my cheater, but I have put the death march as a ring tone on my phone. This makes me laugh whenever he tries to call, and he is calling a lot recently as he needs money. Still if you go to the USA for new year then a skiing trip followed in Febuary by helicopter skiing in Russia plus a tax bill which will be due now, I can see why he might be anxious about the joint funds I moved into my account.

    When I did speak to him briefly before Christmas, I asked why he had not responded to my texts regarding my daughters birthday and Christmas arrangements. Too busy to respond apparently, well I am way to busy now to return his calls. But as I have been told by friends and in laws, shit happens so get over it. Perhaps they will give him the same platitudes.

    • Polly–what a horrible set of friends and in-laws! Spoiled milk happens. Traffic detours happen. Banging a foreign national 3 decades younger than you doesn’t just happen.

      Love the death march ring tone, though.

  • Turns out, my ex husband was heavily into prostitutes. After D-Day, when I would call him Whore-Fucker (to his face), he didn’t like it. I said “What’s the problem? You ARE a Whore-Fucker, aren’t you? You can call me Dog-Rescuer or Coffee-Drinker and I won’t take offense. What’s the problem?

    After I kicked his sorry ass out and only had to communicate with him via email, I changed it to calling him “John”. (Obviously, not his real name) He never commented on me calling him that and I figured it would look better in the courtroom if any of my emails to him showed up there.

    Now the D is final and I have no communication with him, it’s just Whore-Fucker when I have to speak of him. Direct and to the point.

    • After D-Day, when I would call him Whore-Fucker (to his face), he didn’t like it. I said “What’s the problem? You ARE a Whore-Fucker, aren’t you? You can call me Dog-Rescuer or Coffee-Drinker and I won’t take offense. What’s the problem?

      Hilarious. I laughed out loud.

      I wish I could change his display name on my phone to something like that (though he wasn’t into actual prostitutes, just slutty women), but my kids use my phone and I don’t want them to see something like “Whore-Fucker” when Dad calls.

  • On a serious note, I do believe all the flowery language does minimize the serious nature of adultery. Tell it like it is, people. It’s adultery, married people fucking someone outside their marriage. It’s sinful and wrong. Not cute, romantic, special. Just wrong.

    • Elucidating the serious nature and devastating impact of infidelity is both an art and a science, and CL and CN do it better than any other resource I’ve discovered. That being said, I think this art depends on context and sometimes flowery language helps and sometimes hinders.

      I think the same thing goes for describing this wrongness and destruction and trauma without coming across as bitter vindictive losers that didn’t have the mojo to keep their spouse. Art and science.

        • I suspect Buddy was referring to how outsiders think of us if we sound “bitter” when we describe being chumped.

          • conniered – Tempest is correct. I do not believe chumps are cheated on because of something they’ve done. My believe is that most chumps are contributing, engaged, giving, reciprocal, caring, empathetic spouses.

            What I love about CL and the folks who comment here is how well they articulate the truth about infidelity, the trauma of infidelity, and how they debunk the false narrative the cheaters cheat because their needs were not being met (i.e. as CL says “I wasn’t a smorgasbord of pussy” and “He had an emotional need for me to be 573 different orifices” – CLASSIC!!!)

            You can’t find this elsewhere on the internet.

    • I don’t think it’s minimizing. I think it’s therapeutic. And so it laughing about it, just as soon as you’re able.

      • The more I read about cheaters the more I realize just how sugar coated cheating is.
        In the majority of articles or books I’ve read if it isn’t said it’s implied that the Chump was somehow
        to blame. I think we have all read similar articles that suggest your X strayed because of what you wore to bed, you didn’t laugh hard enough at his jokes, what ever, it’s implied the Chump did or didn’t do something which caused the X to stray.
        Cheaters are excused and many times smiled upon and welcomed in social circles.
        If your a Chump we feel humiliated, a feeling of inadequacy, “friends” gravitate towards the cheater more so because they’re happy and fun. Chump isn’t as fun, Chump is worried, stressed and struggling to understand what happened feeling as if they’ve just been hit by a train.
        As we try and salvage our shattered lives while being looked down on as if we brought it on ourselves.
        Cheater walks out with the image of being a great guy, funny, fun to be around.. Chump had to have brought this on herself. She had a prize and blew it..
        I’ve learned being polite and poised, taking the high road by not saying anything or talking about what actually happened only excused the Cheater and made me appear as if I was guilty and to blame for Cheaters indiscretion.. as he said, he just couldn’t take me anymore.
        As if I had a mental illness and he couldn’t reason with an irrational person (Chump).
        If that were true, is that what you do when someone you love has a mental illness is leave them?
        The Switzerland friends and their understanding of what Cheater has done, comments which imply it was my fault.. no wonder Cheater cheated, you told Cheater to fuck off when you found out he was cheating, Chump, using language like that, no wonder he cheated.. ugh..
        Switzerland friends can piss off. Fuck them too.

  • When you are unable to untangle the skein of fuckedupedness, you can still accurately call your cheater a fucking bitch whore. Entitled selfish narcissistic fucking bitch whore.

  • Midlife Crisis Cheater XH: Peter Pan, Forrest Gump
    Cliche Younger Whore: Whoremelia, The Wicked Witch of the West (looks just like her, only whore isn’t green), or Rancid Snatch (he banged at lunch and drove my car that night – it reeked of sex afterward).

  • In polite company, I refer to him as Mr.
    Per-versa. To those close to me, and know the whole story, he’s Fucking Wife-Pimper. Tempest and I share a similar experience with our ex’s.

    • I like “Fucking Wife-Pimper,” Boudica. And the word origin also fits my X to a T (perhaps yours, too?): ‘pimp 1607, perhaps from M.Fr. pimper “to dress elegantly” (16c.), prp. of pimpant “alluring in dress, seductive.”‘

      Mine looooovvvvved the Armani jackets and Diesel jeans, and even had some pale green leather loafers for a spell. Pimp, pimp, pimp.

      • Tempest, he was on the other end of the spectrum. In regards to appearance, my wife-pimper ex was a fly-under-the-radar guy: t-shirts, jeans and Keene shoes, A baseball cap
        to cover his increasing loss of hair. Quiet, unassuming, self-deprecating humor. The secret life surfaced about four months after the wedding. From the well-dressed, fashion-conscious, to Mr.Milqtoast,
        predators run the spectrum.

      • Pale green loafers? I’d be out of there like the motherfucking Roadrunner…

        Some “fashion” choices just appall me….

        • They were Italian shoes, so more tasteful than they sound. But the man did like to look good for the ladies….

          • Ikkkkk….my ex went through that phase! The shoes, clothes, even down to the SOCKS he wore (he would post pix of his daily pick of socks on fakebook)…the whole thing! He couldn’t pay for my daughters gymnastic fees yet he dressed to impress. Asshole.

            And while on the subject…my little sister penned him pencil dick or ‘PD’ for short. ❤️❤️ I love my sister❤️❤️ That alone has gotten me through some tough times.

  • Thank God Cosmo is finally putting out articles on how NOT to get fucked instead of how to fuck.

    Congrats on the promo, Tracy. I hope other newswires pick it up!

    • I completely agree CalamityJane!

      When I was younger Cosmo magazine seemed to me for older women and now that I’m older, I figure it’s for a younger crowd? Either way, I am thrilled CL is spreading wisdom!!!!!

      As far as profanity? I’ve never been one to swear. Oh my!! After d-day, every swear word in the book flowed outta my mouth! The language I used was filled with anger galore. My friends that heard me with new vocabulary pretty much summed it up with, “it’s good you are showing anger”.

      Also, my take when I first read CL was mmmmm lots of f-bombs etc. probably two minutes into reading the blog, I didn’t even notice!!!!
      I became absorbed by fellow chump situations and similarities to my f-cked up world!

  • Ok, so coming from the south we all cuss but we know where, when, and with whom we can do so, you know there are social rules about cussing only in appropriate situations of course. But I must say of all the name calling I’ve done they all seem to have the root word Fuck, or are related to Fucking itself. Everyone knows what Fuck means and it is very visual conveyance which expressly emphasizes the degree of the so called Fuck.

    For example: Fucktwit, Fuckwad, Fuckedup, FuckYou, etc. all fully understood by everyone, no misunderstandings, clear and direct.

    Just for laughs, my whole life my mother’s generation always cussed without literally saying so… you know just switch a few sounds or words like son of a biscuit maker instead son of a bitch. One of my favorites was instead of blurting out fucking it’s more polite to say freaking. What a con game, everyone knows what you’re thinking anyway, might as well let it out Son of a Bitch, Mother Fucker, Whore Cunt, Dick say what you mean! lol

    I still remember the first time I heard my Mom really literally cuss, I was in the midst of torment about my now ex and letting the profanity fly to my mother(inappropriate by southern social rules) , and she said “Listen to me all I care about is you, I don’t give a FUCK about him!” Hahaha Yes Indeed!!!!! Seriously, this was a bonding moment, here was my mother and I cussing the god damn mother fucking lying cheating piece of shit dick head. MY FRIENDS THERE ARE TIMES WHEN WE NEED TO SAY FUCK THE RULES!!!

    Fucker pretty much what I call my ex, he Fucked ow, he Fucked me over, he Fucked up his life, he is Fucked up, ……

    Ahhh, it still feels so good to call it like it is, just the FUCKING Facts. However, I think I need to add some variety and spice things up a bit in my vocabulary. Some of these posts are hilariously clever!

    • There’s an old Burt Reynolds movie, I think it’s “The End”. It was edited for television. I’m sorry, but “Gosh Darn Son of a Buck” just doesn’t do it.

  • Big Shot.
    I was listening to Billy Joel in the car one day and the lyrics are my ex to a T. Wants to be the center of attention, know-it-all, fine Park Avenue clothes-wearing, sloppy drunk bon vivant who’s dead on the inside.

  • Wow your column hits spot on. I was just thinking about this the other day. Case in point…. I was visiting some friends one evening and got a call the next morning from one of them who said that the people we visited the prior evening did not like my language. I seriously could not think of what I said. Apparently it must not have been that bad if I was having difficulty recalling how I had offended someone. Something about my ex husband having a fucking affair I guess. Can you believe it? Its the the worse kind of pain someone can go through (and I think I mentioned that too) and these proper assholes focus on my language???? WTF???? The thing is is that the divorce talk was such a small part of the evening. There were a lot of people there and we covered a lot of ground about a lot of stuff yet still thats what they focused on. I do not understand why some people need to deflect the intensity of the experience with the focus on the language? God I hate these kinds of people. I think from now on I will do the “you know what… when you walk a mile in my shoes and go through what I did and see the effect on your kids then you can judge me but for now go fuck your condescending judgmental self.”

    When I talk about the divorce I don’t sugar coat it… “My ex was a selfish narcissistic lying sack of shit who cheated on me with a fucking whore and then tried to blame the failure of the marriage on me.” Thats usually my narrative. People look taken aback but seriously thats what happened and I love saying it and it feels powerful. I once had someone ask me to tone down the language. I said “really….. you really want me to tone down the language when my husband brought a $50,000 BMS convertible out of our joint account on my birthday and then took his whore to The Breakers for the weekend? You really want me to tone down my language when my ex husband has down so much damage to my kids they need to be seeing shrinks.”

    FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!

  • The Fucktard/AssDad and his OW is the Cum Dumpster/Thunder Cunt. There, I said it. And I’m proud of all of the names. They make me laugh. Shit, my phone autocorrects to ‘Fucktard’ every time I type the letter F. Hahahaha!

  • The people offended by this “profanity” are people who don’t know this level of anger. Congratulations. Now fuck off.

  • I am a user of colorful language. However, and surprisingly, my nickname for my ex is pretty tame but very accurate: Bundy. Equal parts Ted and Al.

  • As of now my phone alerts me of a lying, cheating, manipulator. In conversation, he is asshat, asshole, fuckwad, fucker, exhole,……

  • One of the best things about CL is all the descriptive cursing! No need to hold back…
    Husband is SkidMark and MOW is Skank-whore, Skankerella, Bar Slut, or the Gaping Hole of Texas.

  • Oh, where do I start?
    Payday whore? Miss Cumbucket? Miss ATM (both meanings will work)? Bargain Basement Surplus? Douchbag Depot? Maggot-infested Meat Curtain? “Best Before?” Gonorrhea Girl?

    If Im talking about my ex in public, I’ll throw in the odd primordial slime, deposit feeding holothurian, Beelzebub, Unclean Spirit, Linda Blair (which is unfair to Linda Blair as she’s a decent actor), Medusa, Cujo…or Ann Coulter (if I’m really mad). You know, ‘cuz it’s classier.

  • My wife’s affair partner/ soul mate (eww) / OM…etc name is Peter. Could have been Dick or Johnson too. Dropping four letter words here has power. As much as my ex wife wants to white wash the history and put flowery passive language about her long term affair, the base gross shit will not be forgotten. I was having sex with my wife on the same day she had sex with this guy. i cannot tell you how even 4 years later I shudder at the thought.

    Fuck!

    • Chumpion – I found mobile phone records on D Day – with dates and times he texted / called her. It became very apparent to me that while he was washing his dick in the bathroom after we’d made love, he was also texting her. (Not that I kept a log of dates and times when we had sex you understand – but because there were hundreds and hundreds of texts and we had sex a lot – but especially in the evening, around about the times he was texting her – more tellingly – when I told him I was disgusted by that evidence, he never even tried to gaslight it – and believe me, he tried to gaslight tons of shit)! I physically threw up when I realised this must have been the truth. Took me a very long time to stop hurting myself with that information.

      • Oh, Jayne, he is vile. They pollute every positive or intimate moment in a marriage with their fuckwadery. Nothing is sacred to them, except for their own pleasure.

        • Thanks Tempest. I’m glad to say my mind has stopped dwelling on that particular abuse, but for such a long time I just couldn’t stop thinking about it – that’s what I mean about hurting myself with that information. I guess our brains are desperately trying to get us to see, and then reinforce, that they truly suck. We tried wreckonciliation, but I could never truly enjoy sex with him again – (he tried to pressure me into the more shall we say adventurous avenues we used to frequent, but I just couldn’t – I knew those avenues meant fuck all to him when he had them before).

          When you try to tell people about the pain of being cheated on – how do you get to tell folk all the horrors. It’s not possible, is it? So I reckon a few fuckity fuck fucks are mild compared to the actual truth.

            • Arlo – CL should quote this on the back cover of her book – succinct, to the point and TRUE!

              Can I also congratulate you on your Edvard Munch’s ‘The Scream’ to describe that D Day-fresh purgatory. I can’t think of another visual image so heartbreakingly, poignantly apt.

  • I call him pos (short for piece of shit). Of course he is not talking to me since I caught him the last time, so I use it when I am speaking about him to other people. I call her schmoopie (thank you), even when I am talking to my lawyer. I have no problem cursing- but somehow making fun of the situation by (over) cursing takes away the seriousness of the hurt (for me). So even though I normally swear like a truck driver, I find myself cursing a little less. I am having a sad day so maybe my answer would be different tomorrow.

    • Sorry you are having a sad day Lostandfound.

      ‘but somehow making fun of the situation by (over) cursing takes away the seriousness of the hurt (for me)’. I understand what you say here – perhaps there is a chance that expressing your anger so vividly might mask the terrible pain you have suffered / are suffering. I get it.

      I promise you, you can come here and curse like a fishwife daughter of a docker and we’ll all recognise you also hurt terribly.

      Come in and let those cuss words out. Start at A finish at Z, then go back to your favourite letter.

      Hope you feel a little lighter tomorrow x

    • I block the ex on my phone so I can’t have a funny name for him. When I refer to him to others he is “the ex”. Not “my” ex; just a nameless, faceless non-factor in my life. If I ever have to share the same space with again (only for one of our children’s weddings or the christening of their children), he will be referred to as so and so’s father. Not my ex husband.

      That is the only tie I have left with him and that is the only one that will ever be acknowledged my me.

      On CL he has been douchebag and the OW has been skanktress (now wifetress)

  • Immediately post-D Day: Fucking asshole alien pod
    One year out – Asshole Unrepentant Douchebag
    Three years out – Shit-for-Brains and/or Microscopic Dickhead
    Five years out – Pathetic waste of human skin and or Dissolute Wastrel (went Shakespearian!)

    For the OW? Consistently – Syphilitic cankerous whorebag. Why mess with the perfection?

  • During his tenure with me, the XBF maintained a relationship with his ‘former girlfriend’ ……In a failed attempt to throw me off the track, HE referred to her as the ‘town whore’…..

    I called her the ‘penis fly trap’.

    At last count, she’s been married EIGHT TIMES.

  • I just call him x. He deserves only a teeny tiny microscopic moniker to match the role he will have in my life going forward. As close to invisible as possible.

    I did have a good nickname for one of his fuckbuddies who was also my (now ex) “friend”: BJ McSuckerson

    I am also 100% for cursing around cheating although I don’t do it too much IRL. Topic deserves it and it is cathartic.

  • “Trou de cul” and “Colon” (great synonym for the first). I find I go back to my mother tongue for my go-to salty words…

  • I have called my cheater “Fucko” from day one. All my friends, and even my parents know who I am referring to when I say “Fucko”. Its far more satisfying than using his proper name. In my phone, his ringtone is a barking dog and the profile picture that pops up is Kanye West–it was the best photo of a giant douchebag I could find.

  • Creepycus complainicus of the genus “saddest panda”
    Credit to the website captainawkward for that one. Sums up the victim mentality of my STBX jizz monkey perfectly.

  • I think I’m pretty mundane. My ex is “the fucking asshole.”

    His AP’s (who are best friends and co-workers, and who had group sex and individual affairs with him for over 15 years, including the one he married last summer with the other standing as “maid of honor”), are “the Worms”. This was a name chosen by my daughter because she could not bear to speak or hear their given names. When I’m in a mood? Then they are “those fucking worms.”

    As I noted above somewhere, to my children I refer to him as his given name, or “your ex-father,” since he does not see them at all.

    Honestly I’ve searched for years to come up with one or two word descriptions for my ex and his AP’s that fully capture and transmit the impact and horror of what he/they did. I used to go through the alphabet, a different letter for every day, and try to come up with names (i.e. on “A” day I would think of asshole, asshat, anus, appalling; on “D” day I would say douchebag, deviant, dipshit, dildo, devil; on “W” day of course it was whore, wretch, wanker, waste, wee willy; etc etc). I explored almost the whole alphabet, but nothing ever quite hit that nail on the head.

    Maybe when I read the above comments I will find the perfect descriptors (with lots of profanity thrown in, I hope!).